August 2011 | Your community humour magazine | issue 131
Judith Copland — one of the featured artists at this year’s New Westminster Cultural Crawl, August 13th & 14th. See special feature on page 14.
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August 2011
Mayor Wayne Wright
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August 2011
Serving New Westminster Since 2003. We thank all of you for your continued support for the last eight years.
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DANCE UNDER THE EVENING SKY IN DOWNTOWN NEW WESTMINSTER!
Learn from some of the best dance instructors starting at 7:00 pm and bop til you drop until 9:00 p.m. in HYACK SQUARE (foot of Eighth Street at Columbia, New Westminster SkyTrain Station). This fun-filled family event is FREE! August 5 Zumba August 12 Latin August 19 Egyptian Belly Dancing August 26 Dance party Since this is an outdoor event and subject to weather conditions, make sure to visit www.dancewithmenewwest.com on the day of to find out if the event is happening, and remember to bring your own lawn chair.
12TH ANNUAL DOGGY FUN DAY
August 28 12:00 p.m. – 3:00 p.m. Queen’s Park, south field Fun and games for dogs and their people! The Royal City Rockets Dog Agility Team: performances at 12:30 pm and at 2:30 p.m. Doggy displays and prize draws Doggy games: egg & spoon race, 3-legged race, howl-a-long, special doggy tricks, doggy look-a-
like contest and the famous (4 paws up!) bobbing for wieners contest. Lots and lots of great doggy prizes! For further information, contact doggyfunday.nw@gmail.com
BOARDWALK FESTIVAL AND SALE 2011
August 20 10:00 a.m. – 3:00 p.m. The Esplanade at Quayside In its 6th year, this annual event attracts over 7000 treasure hunters, music lovers, food aficiondos, fun-loving children and scores of families. Hosted along the mighty Fraser River, the Quayside Community Board has produced an event that features over 150 tables of collectibles and antiques, books, art, sporting goods, household items, clothing, bric-a-brac and so much more. In addition, there are bands playing, vendors serving up food such as BBQ salmon, kids’ zones for over-the-top fun, a farmers market and raffles and prizes, just to name a handful. Suuported by over 20 local business, this event has become a total family/ friends experience that is not to be missed. Web: quaysideboard.com Email: festival@quaysideboard.com
WE ARE OPEN MONDAY TO THURSDAY 9AM – 7PM | FRIDAY 9AM – 6PM SATURDAY 9AM – 4PM | SUNDAY 9AM – 3PM
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August 2011 Chris Sargent, Owner & Publisher Email: publisher@piffle.ca
604-525-9027
Magazine Locally Owned & Published
Gabor Gasztonyi, Sales Rep Email: gabor@piffle.ca
Fourth floor, 604 Columbia St New Westminster, BC V3M 1A5
604-290-7450
Publisher & Editor: Chris Sargent Photography: Gabor Gasztonyi, Trevor Batstone & Darren Lulka Graphic Design: Cliff Blank production@piffle.ca
THREE TOUGH MICE Three mice are sitting around drinking and boasting about their strengths. The first mouse says “Mouse traps, Ha! I do pushups
Email: info@piffle.ca Web: piffle.ca GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L. TEACHER: No, that’s wrong. GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
with the bar”. The second mouse pulls a pill from his pocket, swallows it, and says with a grin “D-Con Rat Poison”. The third mouse
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
finishes his drink, slams his glass on the table
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
and starts to leave. The first mouse says,
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
“Where do you think you’re going?”
DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.
“Time to go home and chase the cat.” TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing
SMART KIDS
we have today that we didn’t have ten years
Submitted by Judy Bishop
ago.
TEACHER: Why are you late?
WINNIE: Me!
STUDENT: Class started before I got here. TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
dirty? GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground
MARIA: Here it is.
than you are.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with “I.”
CLASS: Maria.
MILLIE: I is. TEACHER: No, Millie… Always say, “I am.”
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
MILLIE: All right… “I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell crocodile?
also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
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August 2011
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Happy Pride New Westminster!
778-773-0546 LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in
bmcintosh@newwestcity.ca
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@BettyM13
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his hand.
Now available for sale at Renaissance Books and the New Westminster Museum
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook. TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his? CLYDE: No, sir. It’s the same dog.
SOCK IT TO ME This police officer sees a senior lady driving and knitting at the same time so after driving next to her for awhile he yells to her, “PULLOVER”. She replies, “No a pair of socks”.
A SNAIL TALE A man moved to a mountain top to get rid of the hustle and be alone. One day he heard a knock at the door and no one was there but then he looked down and there sat a snail and it said “it is quite cold out here can I come in?” the man shouted “NO why don’t you all understand I want to be alone!” and he kicked the snail down the mountain. One year later there was a knock at the door and no one was there and then he looked down and there again sat a snail and it said, “What did you do that for?”
Leah Yallop Massage Therapy Registered Massage Therapist MSP, ICBC accepted
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August 2011
A GOOD PICK-UP LINE Man: He must be so happy! Woman: Who?
their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one
Man: Your father.
looked at the other and said, “Now don’t get
Woman: Why?
mad at me. I know we’ve been friends for a
Man: Because he gets to see an angel
long time… but I just can’t think of your name!
everyday.
I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.”
SHE PUT THE HEARING AID WHERE THE SUN DON’T SHINE
minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Submitted by Jim Nicholas
Finally she said, “How soon do you need to
Two elderly women were eating breakfast
Her friend glared at her. For at least three
know?”
in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed she said, “Mabel, do you know you’ve got a
THE PSYCHIATRIST AND THE PROCTOLOGIST
suppository in your left ear?”
Submitted by Jim Nicholas
something funny about Mabel’s ear and
Mabel answered, “I have a suppository in my ear?”
Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, in spite of
She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she
two different specialties, they would open a
said, “Ethel, I’m glad you saw this thing. Now I
practice together to share office space and
think I know where to find my hearing aid.”
personnel. Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr.
AND WHERE DO THEY PUT THE CANDY? Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
Jones was the proctologist. They put up a sign reading: “Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors.” The town council was livid and insisted they change it. So, the docs changed it to read:
THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE Two elderly ladies had been friends for many
“Schizoids and Hemorrhoids.” This was also not acceptable, so they again
decades. Over the years they had shared all
changed the sign. “Catatonics and High
kinds of activities and adventures. Lately,
Colonics”
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
August 2011
9
No go. Next, they tried “Manic Depressives and
Councillor BILL HARPER
Anal Retentives” thumbs down. Then came “Minds and Behinds”… still no good. Another attempt resulted in “Lost Souls and Butt Holes”… unacceptable! So they tried “Analysis and Anal Cysts”… not a chance. “Nuts and Butts” no way. “Freaks and Cheeks.” Still no good. “Loons and Moons” forget it. The docs finally came up with “Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones Odds and Ends.” Everyone loved it.
Baby polar bear A father polar bear and a baby polar bear were walking across the ice when the baby polar bear said to his dad “Dad, am I part panda bear?”
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“No”, replied his dad. “Well then, am I part brown bear?” Again his dad said no. A short time later the baby bear asked again, “Dad, maybe I’m
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part koala bear?” The father getting annoyed said, “look son, I’m a polar bear, your mums a polar bear. Why on earth do you keep asking for?!” “Because,” the baby bear said, ”I’m freezing!!”
Elephant at the psychiatrist’s How much did the psychiatrist charge to see an elephant? £550… that’s £50 for the visit and £500 for a new sofa.
l andscapes
Elephant crossed with Rhino What do you call an Elephant crossed with a Rhino? Hellifino.
PETER CSIZMAR 730 – 12th Street, New Westminster, BC Opening reception Saturday 3PM August 27th, 2011 www.gaborgasztonyigallery.com
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August 2011 A penguin walks into a bar A penguin walks into a bar and says to the barman “Have you seen my brother?” The barman replies “No, what does he look like?”
WORKING SMOKE ALARMS: IT’S THE LAW. An amendment to the BC Fire Code enhances the current smoke alarm requirements in the Province. As of May 1, 2010, homes and sleeping rooms that were built prior to British Columbia’s Building Code smoke alarm requirements must now have working smoke alarms provided for occupants. This applies to all single-family, semi-detached and townhomes, whether owner-occupied or rented. For homeowners to comply, it’s as simple as purchasing the required smoke alarms and installing them outside all sleeping areas. Landlords must also make sure their rental properties comply. Tenants should contact landlords immediately if they do not have the required smoke alarm, or, the smoke alarm provided is not working. Once installed, tenants should never remove the batteries or tamper with the alarm in any way. IN THE EVENT OF A FIRE — ARE YOU AND YOUR FAMILY PREPARED? When your smoke alarms go off, will everyone in your household know how to escape? Don’t leave this to chance. Have every person in your family recognize the sound of smoke alarms, then sit down with them and plan your escape. Be sure to map out two escape routes from each room in your home. Plan an outdoor meeting place. Then practice your fire escape plan often! Visit www.sparky.org with your children for fun and educational tools to learn more about fire safety. Your New Westminster Fire and Rescue Services cares about you and your safety! If you require further information, please visit our website at: www.newwestcity.ca or call the Fire Prevention Division at 604-519-1004.
Bald eagle How do you identify a bald eagle? All his feathers are combed over to one side.
Las Vegas Slogan We’ve Got What It Takes To Take What You’ve Got.
Bear without Ears What do you call bears with no ears? B.
POOPED OUT People who live in glass houses should build an outhouse.
Frog on the psychic hotline A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, “You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.” The frog says, “This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?” “No,” says the psychic. “Next term in her biology lesson.”
Elephant fly How do you make an elephant fly? Well, you start with a zipper about a yard long…
Frog parked illegally What happened to the frog when he parked illegally He got toad away.
Frog’s favourite drink What’s a frog’s favourite drink? Croaka-cola.
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August 2011
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Elephant under your bed How do you know if there is an elephant under your bed?
You use Google to search for your car keys. You actually hand in work from EssayGenerator.com.
Your nose is touching the ceiling.
You keep getting fired as you beat up you boss thinking that you’ll get to the next level.
To catch this animal
You keep a trash can and a selection of
How do you catch a unique animal? Unique up on it.
neatly arranged folders on your desktop. You excuse yourself to go to the toilet by announcing that you have to “download”.
Elephant wearing a pink earmuffs What do you call an elephant wearing pink earmuffs and a dress?
You try to shut windows by tapping them on the top right corner. You refer to meals as “power ups”. You call Christmas a “bonus round”.
Anything you want, it can’t hear you.
Two parrots on a perch You know computers have taken over your life when…
There were two Parrots on a Perch, and one says to the other, “Can you smell fish?”
You hum the Windows opening theme when
You’re getting old when…
ever you wake up. You think the numbers on tombstones are high scores.
…you get into heated arguments about pension plans.
Westminster Pier Park In spring 2009, the City of New Westminster acquired a section of waterfront property as the site for a future . Downtown park. Planning for Westminster Pier Park got underway in fall 2009 after the City received $16.6 million in funding from the Provincial and Federal governments under the Building Canada Fund. Item
Status
Park Master Plan
COMPLETE
Remediation Investigation
COMPLETE
Park Detailed Design
COMPLETE
Site Preparation & Fencing
COMPLETE
Contaminated Soil Removal
COMPLETE
Wharf Demolition
COMPLETE
Piling & Decking
COMPLETE
Park Construction Contract
AWARDED
Foundation Construction & Servicing
in progress
Groundwater Treatment
COMPLETE
Earthworks
in progress
Building Construction & Concrete Work
Summer 2011 start
Soft Landscaping (planting)
Fall 2011
Project Cost:
$25.1 million*
Completion:
Fall 2011
* $16.6 million - Building Canada Fund $8.3 million - City of New Westminster $100 thousand - Brownfield Remediation Fund $100 thousand - Green Municipal Fund
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August 2011
Piffle’s MATH MADNESS
Seuss explains computers Many of you have wondered why a computer crashes. It is usually very technical but maybe this will help. Dr. Seuss Explains Why Computers Sometimes Crash. If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort, and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report. If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn’t hash, then your situation’s hopeless and your system’s gonna crash! If the label on the cable on the table at
Try to fill in the missing numbers. Use the numbers 1 through 9 to complete the equations. Each number is only used once. Each row is a math equation. Each column is a math equation. Remember that multiplication and division are performed before addition and subtraction. Solution on page 18.
your house says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, that’s repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse; then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, ‘cuz sure as I’m a poet, the sucker’s gonna hang! When the copy on your floppy’s getting sloppy in the disk, and the macro code instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you’ll have to flash the memory and you’ll want
THE VISITOR By Glenn Jones
#26-8720 Forest Grove Drive, Burnaby BC V5A 4C9 | 604-433-3986 | E-mail: glenn-jones@shaw.ca
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to RAM your ROM then quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!
The Englishman replies “Oh bother... Yes, how the hell did you know that?” The owner says, “This is a dry cleaners…”
Get down from an elephant How do you get down from an elephant? You don’t, you get down from a duck.
Elephants come from… Where do elephants come from? A great big stork brings them.
Elephant with broken toe What does an elephant do if it breaks a toe? Gives up ballet dancing.
Asking for a raise “Boss, I’ve got to have a raise,” the salesman said to his sales manager. “There
Elephants are wrinkly because…
are three other companies after me.” “Is that a fact?” the manager asked. “What
Why are elephants so wrinkly?
other companies are after you?”
Have you ever tried to iron one?
“The electric company, the phone company, and the gas company.”
Suits, shirts and trousers Two English men are walking along O’Connell Street when they see a sign in a shop window.
Butcher’s Bet A man walks into a Butcher’s shop and says
Suits £15.00, shirts £2.00, trousers £2.50.
to the Butcher, “I bet you can’t reach the
One said to the other one “Look at that -
meat on the top shelf.”
we could buy a lot of that gear and, when we get back to England we could make a fortune,
The Butcher replies, “I’m not taking that bet, the steaks are too high!”
When we go into the shop don’t say anything, let me do all the talking, cause if they hear
Lost tail
our accent they might not serve us, so I’ll
Where should an animal go if it loses it tail?
speak in my best Irish accent.”
To a retail store.
They go in and he orders, 50 suits at £15.00, 100 shirts at £2.00 and 50
Elephants drink
trousers at £2.50 The owner of the shop
Why do elephants drink so much?
says “You’re English aren’t you?”
To try to forget.
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14
August 2011
Let the Craw
New Westminster Cultural Crawl, Saturday August 13 and Sunday August 14 fr
You don’t have to drag yourself all the way to Vancouver to indulge your artistic senses—forget about the East Side Art Crawl—there’s an even better one here in New Westminster.
The eighth annual New Westminster Cultural Crawl promises to be the best ever with a record twenty three art venues participating this year. You can make a real interesting couple of days of it, especially if you pick up a Crawl Brochure at participating locations or get an on line copy at NewWestculturalCrawl.com. Better yet drop into my studio at 730 12th Street and
we’ll give you a copy or head over to the Van Dop Gallery and speak with Trudy or Samantha and they’ll be pleased to fill you in. Trudy Van Dop will be featuring works by Jim Walsh, Nicholas Bott and Leslie Poole in her Gallery at 421 Richmond Street, during the Crawl. Further down the street from Trudy’s you can make your way to the Monique Lum Studio at 918 Surrey Street where five local artist’s will be displaying their work. My friends Rick Carswell and Alison Kirkley will be displaying art furniture at their studio and shop at 309 8th Street — a great place to order that modern art-deco piece you’ve always wanted. Andrea Fergusson and the Artist’s Corner Group will
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
August 2011
wl Begin!
15
by Gabor Gasztonyi
rom 11:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m.
be displaying their work at the Heritage Grill, 447 Columbia Street. The Arts Council Gallery in Queens Park, will be featuring the work of Angie Au Hemphill in a solo exhibition, “From Streetside to Countryside.” The Plaskett Gallery at Massey Theater will be featuring the work of New West Artist’s member Susie Gilmour in a mixed media tour de force. A new event this year are the poetry readings, spearheaded by local poet laureate, Candice James on Saturday and Sunday, the 13th and 14th from noon until 2:00 p.m. at Hyack Square, 8th and Columbia. On Saturday August 13th , you can also attend the Royal City Pride Festival from 1:00 p.m. to 5:00 p.m. in Tipperary Park. At the River Market artworks from each of the 23 participating venues will be on display during the weekend—giving you a glimpse of the artistic depth of this year’s Crawl. That’s a lot of action for a small town like New Westminster! Vancouver is great, but I think we’re even better — we’re the last real small town in the lower mainland with a thriving and growing arts community. Come and have a look. The doors are open. This year the Gabor Gasztonyi Gallery at 730 12th Street will be featuring the oil paintings of Judith Copland. A former resident of the Cariboo, her work has captured the subtle nuances and delicate light of the interior as well as the the trees and
landscapes of the Chilcotin. As a colorist and interpretor of light her work is characterized by a constant sense of movement in her brush strokes and composition. Her paintings exude a continual sense of motion, through circular and daring brush strokes allowing her to bring our native landscape to life. As Edouard Manet has noted. “Always keep your colors fresh.” Judy has always followed that idea and the subtlety of her palette has always been remarkable and full of life. Wind Through Trees Please drop in to see us. You can even have a look at my new book of photographs, “A Room in the City” published by Anvil Press. I would be pleased to sign a copy for you. Hey that’s a plug isn’t it? Sure why not — artists are valuable, their job is to tell us important things about the world we live in — perhaps about things we might have missed in our busy lives.
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16
August 2011
Medication A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office.
UPCOMING EVENTS
Poker Tournaments every Sunday, 2 p.m. No cost… come join the fun!
BC DAY! AUG 1: We’re open at 1pm, Poker Tourney at 2pm, meat and 60/40 draws starting at 4pm AUG 13: “2 x 2” will be playing from 3pm ’til closing AUG 20: Golf Tourney at Sunshine Wood, $45 includes golf/dinner/prizes, “2 x 2” will be playing from 3pm ’til closing
EFFECTIVE AUG 1: Pub Fare by Chef Ed, Thurs to Sun, 4pm – 7pm
Know your limit, play within it.
60/40 & MEAT DRAWS every Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday
“Is it true,” she wanted to know, “that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?” “Yes, I’m afraid so,” the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, “I’m wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked ‘NO REFILLS’.”
Life after Death? “Do you believe in life after death?” a boss asked one of his employees. “Yes, sir,” the employee replied. “Well, then, that makes everything just fine,” the boss went on. “After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother’s
604-524-6524 | Entrance at 680 Clarkson St
funeral, she stopped in to see you.”
Elephants painted toenails
INFRARED SAUNA MASSAGE THERAPY All sessions covered by Extended Benefit Plans
To book an appointment call
604.525.2008
Why do elephants paint their toenails red? So they can hide in cherry trees. Have you seen an elephant in a cherry tree? See it works!
LIVER & CHEESE Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
August 2011
17
one to reach her first, but end up arriving
Lion playing poker
in front of her at the same time. The males
Why did the Lion lose at Poker?
are speechless before her beauty, slobbering
Because he was playing with a Cheetah.
on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.” The sturdy,
Two aspirin for you This guy walks into the bedroom holding a glass of water and two aspirins and says “Here honey!” The wife looks at him and says “What’s that for?”
muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and
“For your headache,” says the husband.
says “I love liver and cheese.” “Oh, how
“But I don’t have a headache!”
childish,” said the Poodle. “That shows no
“GOTCHA!”
imagination or intelligence whatsoever.” She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and
Two peanuts Two peanuts were walking through the park
said “How well can you do?” “Ummmm… I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts
late one night… one was assaulted.
the Golden Retriever. “My, my,” said the Poodle. “I guess it’s
Baby after 35
hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s
Should I have a baby after 35?
sentence.”
No, 35 children is enough.
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?” The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says… “Liver alone. Cheese mine.”
Fly without wings What do you call a Fly without wings? A walk.
Fly without wings or legs What do you call a Fly with no wings or legs? A roll.
Four hundred pound parrot What does a 400 pound parrot say? Polly wants a cracker, NOW!!
Another fine “time distraction” brought to you by your local Piffle Magazine.
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18
August 2011
Cold Water
Mice balls
John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of
Why do Mice have small balls? Because not many of them can dance.
Georgia. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John’s grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However,
Seagulls live by the sea Why do seagulls live by the sea? Because if they lived by the bay, they would be bagels.
John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, “Are these plates clean?”
MOZART’S GRAVE When Mozart passed away, he was buried in
His grandfather replied, “They’re as clean as cold water can get them.
a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and
Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!”
heard some strange noises coming from the area where Mozart was buried.
For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, “Are you sure these plates are clean?” Without looking up the old man said, “I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don’t you fret, I don’t want to hear another word about it!” Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, “Ah, yes, that’s Mozart’s Ninth Symphony, being played backwards.” He listened a while longer, and said, “There’s
grandfather’s dog started to growl, and wouldn’t
the Eighth Symphony, and it’s backwards, too.
let him pass. John yelled and said, “Grandfather,
Most puzzling.”
your dog won’t let me get to my car”. Without diverting his attention from the
So the magistrate kept listening; “There’s the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…”
football game he was watching on TV, the old
Suddenly the realization of what was
man shouted “COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!
happening dawned on the magistrate; he
Piffle’s MATH MADNESS The British Columbia Day Act was established to create a statutory holiday on the first Monday in August to recognize the pioneers in the province. What year was the Act introduced to the B.C. Legislative Assembly.
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
SOLUTION FROM PAGE 12
August 2011
19
stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery.
Dr Phil proclaimed, “The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have
“My fellow citizens, there’s nothing to worry about. It’s just Mozart decomposing.”
started and have never finished.” So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn’t finished,
State lottery
and before leaving the house this morning, I
Did you hear about the new 3 Million Dollar Redneck State Lottery?
finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey’s Irish Cream, a
The winner gets 3 dollars a year for a million years.
bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos,the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates and the rest of my
Two fish in a tank
half-gallon of Blue Bell Original Vanilla Bean
There’s two fish in a tank, one says to the other, “Do you know how to drive this?”
ice-cream. You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now. Please pass this on to those whom
Calmness In Our Lives
you think might be in need of inner peace.
I am passing this on to you because it definitely works and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace.
Common pregnancy craving What is the most common pregnancy craving? For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
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20
August 2011 Two sheep in a field Two sheep in a field, one says, “Baaaaaaaa!” The other says, “Damn! I was just going to say that!”
A golf club walks into a bar A Golf Club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of Beer. The barman refuses to serve him. “Why can’t I have a Beer?” asks the golf club. “You’ll be driving later,” replies the bartender.
TECH SUPPORT Tech Support: “I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.” Customer: “Ok.” Tech Support: “Did you get a pop-up menu?”Customer: “No.” Tech Support: “Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?”
Music lessons for all ages, all instruments, theory and RCM exam prep.
Customer: “No.” Tech Support: “Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?” Customer: “Sure, you told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote ‘click’.”
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A man walks into a bar swinging a set… A man walks into a bar swinging a set of jumper cabless above his head. The barman looks over and says “You’re not going to start anything in here, mate!”
Democracy and Feudalism Whats the difference between Democracy and Feudalism? With Feudalism, it’s your count that votes!
You don’t know Jack Schitt For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
August 2011
21
at a loss when someone says, “You don’t
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt,
know Jack Schitt!” Well, thanks to my
and they produced a son with a rather nervous
genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an
disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the
intellectual way.
other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt,
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.
were inseparable throughout childhood and
Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O.
subsequently married the Happens brothers in
Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc.
a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in
They had one son, Jack.
the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla
nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to
Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt
tour the world. He recently returned from Italy
and Dip Schitt.
with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Against her parents’ objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school
Now when someone says, “You don’t know Jack Schitt,” you can correct them.
dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack
Sincerely,
and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later
Crock O. Schitt
married Ted Sherlock,and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe
Rude Awakening Why do people call at 9:00 p.m. and ask, ”Did I wake you?”
Schitt Sherlock.
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August 2011 TIRED OF THE RAIN? A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment. As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates into Heaven. Others though, were led over to Satan who
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Watching Satan do this several times, the fellow’s curiosity got the best of him. So he strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing. “Excuse me, Mr. Prince of Darkness,” he said. “I’m waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn’t help wondering why you are tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the Fires of Hell with the others? ” “Ah, those,” Satan said with a groan. “They’re all from Vancouver. They’re still too wet to burn.”
Locker Room A group of guys are in a locker room, when a cell phone rings. One of them picks it up. Man: “Hello?” Woman: “Honey it’s me. Are you at the club?” Man: “Yes.” Woman: “Well, I have news. The house we wanted is back on the market. They are asking $950,000.” Man: “Well then, go ahead and make an offer, but make it $1.2 million so we’ll be sure to get it.” Woman: “Okay, I’ll see you later. I love you!” Man: “Bye, I love you too.” The man hangs up. Then he asks, “Anyone know who’s phone this is?”
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
August 2011
23
Po e t ’s SENIORS DAY New Westminster’s senior citizens weathered the Great Depression and World War II, and went on to build our prosperous Royal City community of today. Seniors are the guardians of our history, our traditions and our culture, who pass on knowledge
and skills gained through a lifetime of experience. And it is our seniors who assure the continuity of our values and provide an anchor for the family in turbulent times.
to recognize the many outstanding contributions our senior citizen volunteers make to our community. The following verses were written years ago at the request of the very first Century House Seniors Day Committee.
Each year at Century House, Seniors Day is celebrated
GOLDEN MEMORIES OF NEW WESTMINSTER
by Don Benson
Visit with a citizen whose hair is silver now, And ask about our city’s yesterday; The stories they unfold will shine like burnished gold; Please treasure them, before they fade away.
Crescent Shows at Moody; duck ponds in Queen Park; Asking HER to dance at May Day Ball; Shirley Temple, Chaplin, singer Buddy Clark; Teen Town dances at the Tatra Hall.
Winston Churchill visiting our Queens Park PNE; To get to Chilliwack you take a tram; Fraser River canning is a booming industry; The Salmonbellies win at Amsterdam.
Soap Box Derby racing at the foot of Tenth Street hill; Rocketing down Sherbrooke on a sleigh; Royal City characters like ‘Ice Cream Eddie’ Mills; Hanging out with pals at Spots Café.
Jumping freights and riding rods, dodging railroad dicks; Working in relief camps, killing time; Stew in hobo jungles; eat it on a stick; Mister, can you spare just one thin dime?
Shooting pool at John Bones; Zeiglers double cones; The Edison has vaudeville and King Kong; A show at Fox Theatre; a Roxy mudbath later; A nickel jukebox croons your favourite song.
Piggley Wiggley, Collisters, Spencers smells of spices; Boots are bought at Percy Copp’s or Johnsons; The Farmers Market offers homemade goods at barnyard prices; Sporting goods are bought at Oscar Swanson’s.
You may have gone to high school at Trapp Tech or Connaught, And snake paraded on St. Patrick’s Day; And sang and cheered your team on when the Sangster Cup was fought In the big gym at the old Y.M.C.A.
Stooped longshoremen trudging slowly homeward from the docks; Rope slings, gaff-hooks, cargo-nets and pikes; Hiring-halls and spare-boards, hand-carts, wooden blocks; Scabs, and goons, and bitter, bloody strikes. War Bond Drives, and blackouts; the Eighth Street army camp; Air raid sirens wailing in the night; Canteens and commandos, zombies, ration stamps; Air raid wardens shouting, “Douse that light!”
Shakes at Echo Dairy, The Platters and Chuck Berry, Hot rods and the dawn of rock and roll; Girls baby-sat for free if they could watch TV; Saddle shoes and jiving at the Bowl. So, visit with a citizen whose hair is silver now, And ask about our city’s yesterday; The stories that unfold will shine like burnished gold; Let’s treasure them, before they fade away.
Traditions
SIMON FRASER – The Perilous Journey is enriched by Don Benson’s trademark verses, providing insights into the fears and triumphs of these courageous pathfinders using words only a gifted poet can weave.
Using his trademark blend of prose, narrative verse and photographs, the author transports us back to a time when New Westminster was a special blend of Victorian England and the American Wild West, where its earliest endearing traditions were forged.
The Perilous Journey
Also in 2007, he was awarded the prestigious British Columbia Community Achievement Award by the Lieutenant Governor of British Columbia for his contributions to Athletics, the Performing Arts and the Written Arts.
$19.95 Westminster Publishing Limited Box 224 720 Sixth Street New Westminster, BC V3M 3C5 Canada
Don Benson
ISBN 978-1-895493-02-3
61995
Westminster Publishing Ltd Box 224 720 Sixth Street New Westminster, BC V3M 3C5 Canada
9 781895 493023
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Traditions
About The Author Don Benson was first named Poet Laureate for the City of New Westminster early in 1999, and was appointed for six additional one-year terms before being named Poet Laureate Emeritus, a life-time appointment, early in 2007.
This fascinating book will surprise, entertain, and inspire you. Be prepared to see our history in a new light!
Westminster Publishing
150 Years of New Westminster
Along the way, we learn how New Westminster, perhaps more than any city in Canada, became a city steeped in the unique, charming, and proud traditions it wears today as its mantle.
Don Benson has written extensively about Simon Fraser’s 1808 exploration of the river, the gold rush of 1858, the paddleboats that churned their way up the river in that era and the Great Flood of 1948. Over the years two of his works have won the annual Neville Shank’s Memorial Award for the best local history article in B.C. community newspapers. Don Benson was first named poet laureate for the City of New Westminster in 1999. He was appointed by city council for six more one-year terms before being appointed poet laureate emeritus, a life-time appointment, early in 2006.
Fold Line
www.newwestminsterpublishing.ca
SIMON FRASER
Don Benson
604-521-5584
Award-winning historian Don Benson takes us back through 150 stirring years in New Westminster, a Royal City born of British Columbia’s frantic Fraser River Gold Rush of 1859.
Benson also gives deserving praise to the First Nations people who guided, transported, entertained, fed and provided translations for Fraser’s exploration party, and on more than one occasion spared the lives of Simon Fraser and the members of his expedition.
Fold Line
Submit Poems: donbenson@telus.net Books by Don Benson Poet Laureate Emeritus
There is no such thing as a tradition that exists of its own accord. Instead, and always, each tradition must be embraced and cultivated.
Benson gives due credit to the brave and boisterous young French Canadian and Metis voyageurs who transported Fraser, his officers and the tons of supplies necessary for such a major undertaking.
150 Years of New Westminster Traditions
150 Years of New Westminster
Simon Fraser - The Perilous Journey Through the pages of SIMON FRASER – The Perilous Journey, award-winning author Don Benson takes us down the roaring rapids and along the dizzying canyon cliffs with Simon Fraser on his daring exploration of the Fraser River in 1808, an expedition called the most dangerous in the history of North American explorations.
Don Benson
24
August 2011
Lacrosse: A Symbol of a Nation Part One by The Hainsworths
Photo courtesy of the Hainsworths.
T
wo of the largest historical First Nations peoples in Canada are the ones on record as originally naming what is now called Lacrosse, Canada’s official national summer game. It was called “Baggataway” by the Algonquin people; and “Tewaarathon” by the Iroquois people. There’s also recorded observations of the game by French settlers in 1683, and calling the stick a “crosse”. The etymology of the game’s name through the Algonquin language translates into “to hit or beat”, and seems to be a perfect reference for the stick used to play this great game. According to one of the earliest white-settler players William George Beers; also known in history as one of the earliest Canadian builders of the game, his experience was that much of the First Nations’ past was “lost in the obscurity which surrounds the early history of this people”. Therefore, the First Nations’ early developments of the game were vague even to him in 1869, when he wrote his book: Lacrosse, The National Game of Canada. However, Beers, through first-hand observation, had no doubt that this game was a supreme part of their culture. When Beers became infatuated with the First Nations’ game, he observed that even though there may have been differing approaches taken amongst the many tribes, the game was spiritually taken by all as a gift from the Creator. In addition, the act of playing the game symbolized giving thanks and amusement back to the Creator. It also gave them avenues for settling disputes between tribes as well.
These early games had a ball that was approximately the size of a tennis ball, although could be made differently amongst the tribes, ranging from using deer skin, the bark of the pine tree, or a tree knot. The goal posts varied as well, from designated rocks or trees happening to have the right placement, to the more official one-pole goal or two-pole goal varying between eight to twenty-five foot high trees. If it was a two-pole goal, they were commonly placed six feet apart. The number of players by proportion dictated the size of the field between either tribe’s goal posts, and the length could be between five hundred yards up to half a mile, and sometimes more. The Crosse or stick also varied in size and shaped from tribe to tribe. They were approximately two to four feet long, hooped at the end of the stick, and with an oblong or round bend. Comparing descriptions of the hoops from Beers, and an actual First Nations’ circa 1890 Lacrosse stick in New Westminster in the Canadian Lacrosse Hall of Fame (CLHF), finds interesting differences. Beers describes in 1869 a hoop three inches long by two inches wide, while the one at the CLHF has a hoop measuring approximately seven and a half inches long by two and a quarter inches wide. This particular stick has as a part of its hoop two holes on either side in the upper section with one directly at the top, which is the same for Beers descriptions as well. These were connected by two strips of either roots of the spruce tree or later deer skin, and were tied in the centre where they crossed with one knot. Beers writes that he observed the oblong style being used by the Choctaws, Chippeways, Cherokees, and Creeks, of which they held one stick in each hand playing as a pair. There are also descriptions that single used sticks of other tribes were looped round, twelve inches in circumference. This one had a network of stings to catch and cradle the ball. These all provide interesting clues to this fascinating artifact, Canada’s oldest lacrosse stick, and our image this month. Historically, the original North American game has been described with varying colourful and exciting images of Native warriors standing tall and modelling at its highest physical peak condition, the utmost beauty capable by the human body the world over. The greatest warriors from each tribe made up a team, and tribesmen generally wore a similar
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
August 2011
25
uniform of a tight breech cloth and a tail tied around the waist made out of the mane or tail of a white horse or facsimile. While on occasion they would also festoon themselves in feathers and beads over top of their painted skin. Moving up a few centuries to today, the CLHF houses a repository of fascinating information like this about the original game, along with other great artifacts that took Lacrosse through its years since the game was tamed and played by Canadian settlers. In an interview with Chuck Puchmayr, a governor of the CLHF board, who is heading the relocation of the Hall to the future civic building, said that this is the most exciting time since the Hall opened its doors. Puchmayr stated, “We
FEATURED BOOK Royal City New Westminster Frasers Baseball Club by Ken McIntosh and Rod Drown
are currently fundraising for the move, which will achieve in giving the Hall the distinction it deserves.” If you want to get involved by giving to this worthwhile and important project, contact cpuchmayr@shaw.ca. In part 2 of this article next month, we will be writing about the impressions of those who were lucky to see the tribal players in action during this particular stage in time of the game of Lacrosse. Compiled by Gavin Hainsworth & Katherine FreundHainsworth, Co-Authors “A New Westminster Album: Glimpses of the City as it Was” (2005). E-mail: anewwestminsteralbum@shaw.ca.
Are you an Author, Poet, or Singer Song Writer? Come down and sign up for the OPEN MIC and perform on August 14th, 2011 at 1:00 p.m. to 3:00 p.m. at Renaissance Books. OPEN MIC nights are a great way to demo your poems, books, songs as a songwriter. We offer a laid back atmosphere where you can test out craft. It’s also perfect for when you’re starting out.
Jam with others at Renaissance Book Store: Every Tuesday & Thursday around 6:30 p.m. to 9:30 p.m. join us for the singing circle. Bring your Guitars plus any others like harmonica, fiddle tunes played here. What better way to learn to play with others and learns some tunes.
We proudly support local authors and writers. Ask about Book Buy Back. BUY 2 CHAI LATTES FOR THE PRICE OF ONE.
A LARGE COLLECTION OF FINE USED BOOKS, INCLUDING OUT-OF-PRINT & HARD-TO-FIND BOOKS AND NEW BOOKS BY LOCAL AUTHORS.
Check out Renaissance Books website www.renaissancebookstore.com
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26
August 2011
S E R T A E H T G L S E T X K
B Q O L Z S B B A T Q X A E Y
V S V A W Z L I N Z I J C W P
Q I E C L W Z A C U X U N U A
F T C I A K R K I P L M X W Z
G T R R R U S V S T H M I X F
U U C O A E C J U H G G W Y A
L U Y T T L L R M V T Q H Y C
B Z S S Q N E L N N C Y V M Y
D E T I A E P K A B R G D F D
R I U H T R W O F G K N V Z H
C E D I O I T P L C K I Q F P
V I I Z F F K I C F W M M S U
F I O V E N U E S J I A H J Q
F M S J Z T A T O T S J G H U
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
WORD SEARCH ARTIST CRAWL CULTURE GALLERIES HISTORICAL MUSIC RESTAURANTS STUDIOS THEATRES VENUES
August 2011
27
Hole in ladies changing room A hole has appeared in the ladies changing rooms at the sports club.
LIZA’S
Police are looking into it.
Bad solo An explorer was travelling through the wilds of deepest, darkest Africa with a few native porters and guides. Far off in the distance, he hears drums pounding. Well, the explorer is naturally concerned, so he consults his guides. They reassure him, “There is nothing to worry about. When the drums stop, it’s time to worry.” This didn’t make him feel much better, but he kept going. Gradually the drums got louder and he asked his guide again. “When the drums stop, it’s time to worry” was the response he got again. Eventually the drums got so loud, the explorer would have sworn that they were right next to him. Then all of a sudden, they stopped. With a trembling voice, he asked his guide what would happen now. With an equally trembling voice, the guide answered, “oboe solo”.
A great writer There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define “great” he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!” He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
Toilet seats stolen All the toilet seats at the police station were stolen. The thief is still at large, the police are having a time figuring it out, and they have nothing to go on.
HOROSCOPES August 2011
For an In-depth Personal Reading, go to www.lizakolbuck.com All Signs: Mercury is retrograde so it’s not a good time for purchases of electronics, expect mixed up messages and hearing from someone from your past. Do not sign any contacts, they won’t stick. ARIES: You may hear from a past love during this time. There was a reason why it didn’t work out the first time; remember that. TAURUS: Communication of all forms heat up during this month. Watch your urge to argue, sometimes its better to listen than just speak your peace. GEMINI: You want to spend all that hard earned money you have worked so hard for. Keep your credit cards at home and double think all purchases. CANCER: Your physical vitality heats up and you’ve got energy to burn. Partners may try to aggravate you. Put your excess energy into exercise. LEO: You may be wondering if you made the right decision. Watch out for secret enemies, not everyone will be honest with you. VIRGO: Friends and gatherings keep you busy all month. Choose your associations carefully, some may try to take advantage of your good nature. LIBRA: Put your energy into your work and you will accomplish a great deal. Authority figures may try to argue with you; show them your communication skills. SCORPIO: You may have the urge to do some travelling. There could be delays in that area. Going back to school may be a better idea. SAGITTARIUS: Dealing with other people’s issues is getting a bit tedious isn’t it? Let others figure it out for themselves, thats the only way to learn. CAPRICORN: Watch out for fevers during this time. Its that suppressed anger that may get the better of you. Say what you feel but keep the anger at bay. AQUARIUS: Co-workers may get on your nerves during this time. On a positive note, you can accomplish a great deal in your daily life. PISCES: Your love life heats up this month. Think about what you really want from a partner, it can manifest during this time.
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28
August 2011
Sargent’s City Scene 2011 Classic & Exotic Car Show
Sunday August 7, 2011 — 9:00 a.m. to 6:00 p.m. 350 Gifford Street New Westminster, Phone: 604-540-8531 Website: http://www.galaxieclub.ca You’re invited to the 2011 Classic & Exotic Car Show, Sunday, August 7. This is also a special event celebrating the Galaxie Car Club of Canada’s 10 Year Anniversary. The car show is open to all special interest and exotic vehicles. Come join us at a new location at the Starlight Casino in New Westminster for a “Bigger & Better” Car Show Event.
Blueberry Tea St. Mary’s Anglican Church, 121 East Columbia Street, New Westminster, is holding a Blueberry Tea on August 20th from 1:30 p.m. to 3:30 p.m. Cost: $5.00. Come and tour our 1865 heritage church with heritage stained glass windows and enjoy our blueberry bake sale. For more information phone Bev Gahan at 604521-2314 or email rector@stmarysapperton.ca.
Doggie Fun Day
Sunday, August 28 from Noon to 3:00 p.m. to be held in the playing field above the off-leash dog park in Queen’s Park. This is a free community event for everyone and their dogs. The event will feature agility demonstrations by the famous Royal City Rockets, games such as the 7-legged race, doggy lookalike, raffles, and of course the very famous bobbing for wieners contest. In addition, there will be vendor booths
featuring all kinds of dog/pet-related products and animal charity booths to let people know the many good causes they can support. Doggy Fun Day is a fundraiser for VEATA (the Pacific Volunteer Education and Assistance Team for Animals), a New Westminster-based registered charity that assists both individuals and other animal service groups across Metro Vancouver and other regions when possible. Our mandate is to educate the public on the humane treatment of animals, responsible pet ownership, disaster preparedness, and educate others how to: To assist needy pet owners in caring for their pets by providing necessities and veterinary care. To provide temporary care and shelter for animals in event of emergency or disaster To assist other animal charity groups in the pursuit of similar aims. For more information contact, Theresa Laviolette, Doggy Fun Day Booth & Promo Coordinator VEATA Secretary. Phone: 604-788-8294 Email: doggyfunday.nw@gmail.com
Victorian Book Club Where: Irving House, 302 Royal Ave. Join us and explore 19th century novels in their original context. We will read literary works by Emily and Charlotte Brontë, Charles Dickens, Robert Louis Stevenson, Oscar Wilde, H. G. Wells, Joseph
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August 2011
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Conrad, Henry James, Mark Twain, and many others. Open to all ages 15+ Membership is free — just bring your own book Discussion groups will be held every second month (dates to be determined) Space is limited! Call 604-527-4640 to reserve your spot.
New Parks & Trails In Queensborough A celebration to mark the opening of three new parks and expansion to the trail and greenway system in Queensborough was held recently at Ryall Park. The $5 million in park and trail system projects was funded through the $60 million Destination Casino Project Development Agreement (DAC) negotiated between the City of New Westminster and the Province of British Columbia, BC Lottery Corporation and Starlight Casino. “The three new parks and hundreds of meters of new trails and greenways we’re celebrating in Queensborough today are proof that by working together with our partners and community members, great things can happen,” said Mayor Wayne Wright. The new parks and trail system are a welcome addition to the City of New Westminster and Queensborough neighbourhood: South Dyke Road Riverfront Walkway — continues connections already made with the perimeter trail that runs around Queensborough, allowing users to experience the Fraser River through look-out points and interpretive signs. Stanley Street Greenway — transforms an undeveloped road allowance into a green pedestrian route and provides an extension to the Port Royal riverfront walkway, enabling
users to make a complete loop around the entire Port Royal development. Boundary Road Greenway — completes the westerly connection of the Queensborough Perimeter Trail and provides a continuous pedestrian and cycling connection from South Dyke Road to Boundary Road to Westminster Highway and the Queensborough Bridge. Boro All Wheel Park — includes features such as skateboard benches and a full-pipe and is already recognized by boarders and BMXers as “the park” to go to in Metro Vancouver Sukh Sagar Park — literally, “Oceans of Happiness”, transforms a vacant wet area into beautiful park shaped in the image of the eastern tip of Lulu Island and includes programming designed to encourage play interaction between tots and their families. Queensborough Neighbourhood Park — constructed on the former Queen Elizabeth School site, includes a picnic shelter, sports field, outdoor fitness circuit, tennis and basketball courts and a water stream feature. “These new parks and trails are an incredible asset to our city, and particularly to the historic Queensborough neighbourhood,” said Wright. “I know residents from both here and across the lower mainland will enjoy them for many, many years to come.”
Minister of State for Western Economic Diversification Tours Royal City Projects The Honourable Lynne Yelich, Minister of State for Western Economic Diversification, was in New Westminster recently to tour two of several local projects that have received federal funding. The Minister visited the Westminster Pier Park construction site along the City’s waterfront and then travelled to the new Youth Centre at Moody Park to view that facility.
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August 2011
“I am very pleased to see these two successful projects that were supported by our government,” said Minister Yelich. “Investments such as these are putting Canadians to work and promoting greater use of recreational facilities by New Westminster residents of all ages.” Constructed at a cost of $2.75 million and opened in September 2010, the Youth Centre at Moody Park is located adjacent to Century House, New Westminster’s recreation facility geared towards the city’s older adult population. The new 4000 square foot youth centre provides a safe, secure environment for youth to gather and connect with each other while the location allows for inter-generational recreation programming opportunities that foster mutual, trust and understanding between local youth and seniors. Currently under construction and scheduled to open this Fall, Westminster Pier Park is destined to become the latest jewel in the Royal City’s crown. The approximately 10 acre park will take advantage of its waterfront location along the Fraser River, providing recreation and relaxation opportunities for residents and visitors to New Westminster alike. Construction of the new $25.1 million park was made possible thanks to $16.6 million in infrastructure funding through the Canada-British Columbia Building Canada Fund — Communities Component. “We were very pleased to have had Minister Yelich with us in New Westminster to tour these great projects,” said Mayor Wayne Wright. “Working with our partners at both the federal and provincial government level, we’re making investments that will improve our city — and the lives of residents — for years to come.” The Recreational Infrastructure Canada (RInC) program invested $500 million in recreational facilities across Canada over a two-year period. The Canada-British Columbia Building Canada Fund – Communities Component is a
federal-provincial program that addresses the unique infrastructure needs of both rural and urban communities with populations of less than 100,000. Program funding is contingent on the successful completion of a federal Environmental Assessment under the Canadian Environmental Assessment Act. Through this unprecedented Building Canada infrastructure plan, the Federal Government is providing long-term, stable and predictable funding to help meet infrastructure needs across Canada. Building Canada supports a stronger, safer and better country. Since October 2008, over $5.6 billion has been committed by the province to over 900 infrastructure projects in British Columbia, which are estimated to create more than 36,000 jobs over the life of the projects.
Terry Fox Run
September 18. Registration starts at 9:15 a.m. with the run start at 10:00 a.m. outside Queen’s Park stadium. As always, this is a non-competitive event that people can run, walk, rollerblade, ride a scooter, push a stroller or wheelchair. There are routes of 1 km, 2.5 km, 5 km, 7.5 km and 10 km. The Terry Fox Foundation has a single mission — to fund innovative Cancer Research. The Foundation is independent and is not associated with the Canadian Cancer Society or any other cancer fund-raising group. 85 cents of every dollar raised goes to cancer research. To date the TFF has raised over $550 million for cancer research world-wide. The TFF is one of the largest non-governmental funders of cancer research in Canada and funds multi-year studies in lung, ovarian, colorectal, pancreatic, oral, liver cancer research as well as many other studies. For more information, email Kathy Jones at dr.kathy.jones@gmail.com City Scene End
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August 2011 Accordion trouble An accordion player in his middle 40s was driving home around 10:00 p.m. from a Bar Mitzvah. When he left, he placed his instrument in the back window of his car so he could watch it while he drove to make sure it was OK. On his way, he decided to
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stop at a bar and get a drink to make up for the boring night. He stopped, locked his car, and then went inside. After he had about 3 drinks, he suddenly realized where he put the accordion! He should have remembered what happened last time he left it in his back window! So he ran outside and looked at his car. The back window was broken in, and glass was all over the place. And, sure enough, there were two more accordions!!
NEW STORE OPENING Submitted by Jim Nicholas
Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store wasn’t ready, with only a few shelves and display racks set up. One said to the other, “I’ll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we’re selling.” Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, “What are you sellin’ here?” One of the men replied sarcastically, “We’re selling jack-asses.” Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, “You must be doing well. Only two left.”
Amazing golf ball Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that
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have at least one other golf ball” he asked. The other guy replied that no, he only needed the one. “Are you sure,” the friend persisted. “What happens if you lose that ball?” The other guy replied, “This is a very special golf ball. I won’t lose it so I don’t need another one.” “Well,” the friend asked, “what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?” “That’s okay,” he replied, “This special golf ball floats. I’ll be able to retrieve it.” “Well what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?” The other guy replied, “That’s okay too. You see, this special golf ball has a homing beacon. I’ll be able to get it back… no problem.”
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Exasperated, the friend asks, “Okay. Let’s say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you going to do then?” “No problem.” says the other guy, “You see, this ball is florescent. I’ll be able to see it in the dark.” Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, the friend asks, “Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?” The other guy replies, “I found it.”
Signing troubles Two Rednecks were taking a trip to the big city. One of them was illiterate, and any time he needed to sign his name, he put an “X” on the dotted line. But then one time, he signed his “X”, and then put a circle around it. After they had left, the other guy turned to him and asked, “Why on earth did you put a circle around the X?” The first signatory turned and replied, “I didn’t want to give them my real name.”
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his partner had but one golf ball. “Don’t you
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Fussing about husbands Two elderly women were fussing about their husbands over tea one day. “I do wish my Leroy would stop biting his nails. That makes me terribly nervous!” the first one said. “Oh, my Elmer used to do the same thing,” the other woman commented. “But I broke him of that habit real quick.” “What did you do?” “I hid his teeth!”
Adam & Eve What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden? He said, “Your mother ate us out of house and home.”
Transport in heaven Once there were three men, Dave, John, and Sam, who were involved in a tragic car accident in which all three died. As they stood at the gates of Heaven St. Peter came up to them and said, “You will all be given a method of transportation for your eternal use around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly.” St. Peter looked at Dave and said, “You, Dave, were a bad man. You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat up Dodge.”
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August 2011
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Next St. Peter looked at John and said, “You, were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife two times. For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota
The British Columbia Day Act was first introduced to the B.C. Legislative Assembly in 1974 by the Dave Barrett NDP government.
stationwagon.” St. Peter finally looked at Sam, and said, “You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sex until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife! For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari.” A short time later, Jon and Dave pulled up in their cars next to Sam’s Ferrari and there he is, sitting on the hood, head in hands, crying. “What’s wrong Sam,” they asked. “You got the Ferrari! You are set forever! Why so down?” Sam looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth and cried, “I just saw my wife go by on a skate board!”
American Football lightbulb How many American Football players does it take to change a light bulb? The entire team! And they all get a semester’s credit for it!
You know you’re getting old when… …your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
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August 2011 A woman with… What do you call a woman with a screwdriver in one hand, a knife in the other, a pair of scissors between the toes on her left foot, and a corkscrew between the toes on her right foot? A Swiss Army wife.
Greatest baby-sitter Who is the greatest baby-sitter mentioned in the Bible? David; he rocked Goliath to sleep.
Pastors in Germany What do they call pastors in Germany? German Shepherds.
MEMORIES An elderly couple is beginning to notice that neither of them seem to be able to remember things as well as they used to. So, they go to see their doctor, who explains that there is nothing really wrong with, just typical memory loss associated with old age. He suggests that they each get notebooks and write
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland Subscription Form
The couple goes home and that evening while watching T.V. the man gets up and heads for
name Address city Province Phone email
notes to themselves to help remember things.
the kitchen. His wife asks if he can bring her some ice cream when he returns. He says he will, and she says he should write it down. “I’m
Postal
just going to the kitchen, I’ll remember.” “Well, I want that with nuts, too.” “O.K. he says ice cream with nuts.” She
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asks again if he’s going to write it down. “No, I’m just going to the kitchen.” “And a Cherry on the top?” He agrees and turns toward the kitchen again and she asks again about writing it down. Now the old man is angry, “Look, old lady I’m not senile, I can remember ice cream with nuts and a cherry on top.”
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He goes in the kitchen for 10 minutes and when he returns he sets a plate of bacon and eggs in front of his wife. She looks up and says, “Honey, you forgot my toast.”
Do You Have a Book Waiting to be Published? My Story
PARAPROSDOKIANSP Submitted by Nancy Slinn
A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech
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in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to refrain or reinterpret the first part. Check out the
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following examples: I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my
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grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than sitting in a doghouse makes you a dog. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. War does not determine who is right… only who is left. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse always gets the cheese. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a workstation. Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of a pool and throw
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August 2011
Aged to Perfection: An Activity Guide for the Young at Heart
Edmonds Community Centre for 55+. Tel: 604-297-4400 ext. 2471 Osteo for Life
Adapted Osteo Strength
Want to improve your posture, balance and strength? Join in this fun, simple, gentle fitness class. Easy aerobic routines warm you up before concentrating on core strength and postural exercises. Exercise bands, tubes and hand weights are used in this light to moderate intensity class. Intended for the older adult and those graduates of Osteofit I. August 2, Tuesday/Thursday 9:15 a.m. – 10:15 a.m. $35.25 members/$44.07 non-members
This is an entry-level program for those who may be at risk for fractures and hesitant about joining a mainstream fitness class. Learn simple adaptive exercises for balance, strength and posture that can be practiced at home and in a weight room. Try a complimentary class to see if it’s a fit for you. Monday, August 8 4:30 p.m. – 5:30 p.m., 4 sessions $14.10 members/ $18.80 non-members
Ballroom Dance Series: Quickstep
Treasures of North Vancouver Join a walking tour of the former Burrard Dry Dock site led by guides dressed as WWII shipyard workers. Learn about North Vancouver’s maritime history, ‘Victory’ ships, colourful characters, and local lore. Explore the sights and sounds of Lower Lonsdale, where past and future come together. After the tour enjoy some free time at the Lonsdale Quay, then take the sea bus for the beautiful view of Vancouver and Lonsdale Quay harbour. Comfortable shoes are a must on this trip. Thursday, August 11 9:25 a.m. – 3:05 p.m. $16.36 members over 65yr/$17.62 members under 65yr/$21.82 non-members
Learn the basic steps of quickstep. Partner not required. Thursday, August 4 3:30 p.m. – 5:00 p.m., 4 sessions $18.00 Members/ $23.00 Non-members
Hatha Yoga Yoga is a unique combination of gentle stretching and strengthening exercises, plus dynamic breathing and relaxation techniques that reduce stress. Instructor: Gonda Duffels. Thursday, August 4 7:00 p.m. – 8:30 p.m., 4 sessions $18.72 member/$33.18 non-members
Minibus Trip
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Sunset Dinner Craving a reasonably priced gourmet meal with friendly conversation and soft live music in the background? Enjoy pork tenderloin in a white wine mushroom sauce, delectable seasonal accompaniments and a heavenly dessert. Wine is available for purchase. Register before August 18 to ensure a seat. Thursday, August 25 5:30 p.m. – 7:00 p.m. $14.50 members/$18.05 non-members
Zumba
Weddings Birthday parties Special occasions… We keep the celebration rolling.
Zumba is a new and exciting fusion of Latin music and aerobic fitness that is sure to have you enjoying your workout and dancing away your worries! Thursday, 5:15 p.m. – 6:15 p.m. Drop in available in the month of August $5.31 adults $4.02 seniors 65 yrs +
Volunteers Wanted Edmonds Seniors Society welcomes volunteers with secretarial experience for taking meeting minutes and word processing correspondence. Please call Arul at 604-525-1842.
604-514-9996 infinitylimo.ca
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HAPPY AUGUST LONG WEEKEND!
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