September 2011 | Your community humour magazine | issue 132
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Above, newly appointed Chief Election Officer, Brenda Sims announced the upcoming Civic Elections to take place this November 19. See notice inside.
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2
September 2011 The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He asked the man what happened, so the man explained about the 6 foot cockroach’s attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing. The doctor thought for a moment and said, “Yes, there’s a nasty bug going around.”
THE MINISTER AND THE TAXI DRIVER A minister dies and, resplendent in his clerical collar and colorful robes, waits in line at the Pearly Gates. Just ahead of him is a guy dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?” The guy replies, “I’m Joe Green, taxi driver,
“Working together to make a strong city.” — Mayor Wayne Wright
of Noo Yawk City.” Saint Peter consults his list, smiles and says to the taxi driver, “Take this silken robe and golden staff, and enter into the Kingdom.”
SIX FOOT COCKROACH A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang.
So the cab driver enters Heaven with his robe and staff, and the minister is next in line. He stands erect. Without being asked, he
When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach was standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off. The next evening, the man was sitting at
proclaims, “I am Joseph Snow, head pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last forty-three years.” Saint Peter consults his list and says, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”
home when the doorbell rang again. When he
The minister says, “Just a minute. That
answered the door, the cockroach was there
man was a taxi-driver, and you issued him
again. This time, it punched him, kicked him
a silken robe and
and karate chopped him before running away.
golden staff. But
The third evening, the man was sitting
I get wood and
at home when the doorbell rang. When he
cotton. How can
answered the door, the cockroach was
this be? ”
there yet again. It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off. The
Saint Peter says, “Up here, we go by
gravely injured man managed to crawl to the
results. While you
telephone and summoned an ambulance. He
preached, people
was rushed to intensive care, where they
slept; while he drove,
saved his life.
people prayed.”
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ELECT CALVIN DONNELLY COUNCILLOR
calvindonnellyelection@shaw.ca
“Help me put balance back on City Council.”
- Calvin
September 2011
3
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September 2011
BUMPER POSSIBLE STICKER Honk your horn if you love peace and quiet.
PERFUME A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume. She
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turns to an old woman in the corner and says arrogantly, “Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!” Another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old woman and says, “Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!” About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, looks both beautiful women in the eye, breaks wind and says, “Broccoli… 49 cents a pound!”
THE RECLUSE A hermit was arrested after driving a hundred miles an hour, the charge was recluse driving.
FROG IMPERSONATOR A little girl says, “Grandpa, can I sit on your lap? “Why sure you can,” her grandfather replied. As she is sitting on grand dad’s lap she says, “Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?” “A sound like a frog? Well, sure Grandpa can make a sound like a frog.” The girl says, “Grandpa, will you please, please MAKE a sound like a frog?” Perplexed, her grand dad says, “Sweet heart, why do you want me to make a sound like a frog?” And the little girl says, “’Cause Grandma said that when you croak, we’re going to Florida!”
The Bell Ringing Priest A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.
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September 2011
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Happy Labour Day & a Safe Back to School! 778-773-0546 However, the boy is very small and the
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doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy’s efforts for some
Now available for sale at Renaissance Books and the New Westminster Museum
time, the priest moves closer to the boy’s position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child’s shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring. Crouching down to the child’s level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, “And now what, my little man?” To which the boy replies, “Now we run!”
THE OLD MUG A woman goes into an antique shop and
A salute to labour that makes our city work!
says to the owner, “when I was in here last week I saw a big mug with a flat head that holds a lot of beer. I’d like to buy it.” “Sorry,” replied the owner, but I can’t sell you that.” “Why not asked the customer?” “Because that’s my husband.”
SIGNS YOUR CO-WORKER IS A HACKER Everyone who ticks him or her off gets a $26,000 phone bill.
“Building a green livable city with safe, senior-friendly streets, a thriving economy to support our families, to preserve our culture and heritage and a sense of community that we can be proud of.”
Councillor BILL HARPER
CLOSE BY Old Lady: Do you always play by ear?
VISION • EXPERIENCE • ACTION
Street Musician: Yes, lady, ‘ere or ‘ereabouts!
778-227-4869 • bharper@newwestcity.ca
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6
September 2011 PUNISHED One day little Jenny came home from school, and said to her mother, “Mummy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn’t do.” The mother exclaimed, “But that’s terrible Jenny dear! I’m going to have a talk with your teacher about this! By the way, what was it that you didn’t do?” Little Jenny replied, “My homework.”
FISHING A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of red roses. “Tsk Tsk,” said the passerby to himself. “What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I’ll see if I can help.” So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, “What
ELECT
are you doing, my
DONNELLY
how would you like
CALVIN COUNCILLOR
calvindonnellyelection@shaw.ca
“Help me put balance back on City Council.”
friend?” “Fishin’, sir.” “Fishin’, eh. Well to come have a drink with me?” The old man stood, put his rod away and followed the kind
- Calvin
Chris Sargent, Owner & Publisher Email: publisher@piffle.ca
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large glass of vodka and a fine cigar. His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, “Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch today?” The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, “You are the sixth today, sir!”
ALL DAY BREAKFAST • FREE PARKING
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A YOUNG DR. PHILL Three aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. “Just to establish some parameters,” said the professor, to the student from Arkansas, “What is the opposite of joy?”
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“Sadness,” said the student. “And the opposite of depression,” he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma. “Elation,” she said. “And you sir,” he said to the young man from
Cedar St
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Texas, “How about the opposite of woe?” The Texan replied, “Sir, I believe that would be giddy up.”
A HEAD FOR NAMES A man was walking down the street and he met a small boy. The man asked what was his name. The boy replied, “Six and seven-eighths.” The man asked him why his parents had given him such a strange name, and he replied, “they just picked it out of a hat.”
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September 2011
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YOUTH CENTRE AT MOODY PARK OPENING September 13, 3:30 p.m. – 9:00 p.m. Moody Park Kick-Off Celebration!
Celebrate the opening of the new Youth Centre at Moody Park! Festivities include food, entertainment, activities, tours and music throughout the celebration.
Formal ribbon-cutting and donor recognition at 4:30 p.m.
TERRY FOX RUN
September 19, 10:00 a.m. Queen’s Park Stadium The City of New Westminster is pleased to announce that September 19 has officially been declared Terry Fox Day in the Royal City! This year’s 30th Annual Terry Fox Fun will be held at 10:00 a.m. on Sunday, September 19 outside Queen’s Park Stadium. Registrants should arrive by 9:15 a.m. The run is open to everyone of all ages and abilities with route options of 1 km up to 10 km. Seniors and people with disabilities are specifically encouraged to participate this year. Individuals can walk, run, ride a scooter, roller-blade, push a stroller or be pushed in a wheelchair. Dogs on leashes are welcome. This annual event is a fund-raiser for the Terry Fox Foundation. Terry embarked on his Marathon of Hope with a single goal: to raise funds for cancer research. There is no entry fee and no minimum pledge required. People are asked to contribute what they can. As Terry said, “If you contribute a dollar, you are part of
the Marathon of Hope”. We hope to see you there! For more information, please visit www.terryfox.org.
ARTIST ON THE RIVER
September 25, 11:00 a.m. – 4:00 p.m. Fraser River Discovery Centre
The City of New Westminster has partnered with the Fraser River Discovery Centre and the Arts Council of New Westminster to celebrate BC and World Rivers Day with the 7th annual Artists on the River. At 11:00 a.m., The Honourable James Moore, Minister of Canadian Heritage and Official Languages will be joined by City of New Westminster Mayor Wright, City Councilors, local MPs and MLA for the celebration ceremony. Come on down to the Quay with friends and family on Saturday, September 25th to join in this fun and free event! A full schedule of events can be found at www.fraserriverdiscovery.org.
CELEBRATING SENIORS FESTIVAL
September 26, 11:30 a.m. – 1:30 p.m. at Century House 620 Eighth Street
A Celebration of Seniors and Youth now under ONE roof! BBQ, free entertainment, refreshments, local theatre, tour of the new Youth Centre @ Moody Park and more... For more information, please call 604-519-1023.
ART’S COUNCIL “LAST MONDAY AT THE MOVIES”
September 27, 7:30 p.m. at Massey Theatre
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2011 General Local Election Notice of Nomination PUBLIC NOTICE is given to the electors of the City of New Westminster that a general local election will be held on Saturday, November 19, 2011. Nominations for qualified candidates for the offices of: Mayor................ one person (1) Councillor.......... six persons (6) School Trustee.... seven persons (7) will be received by the Chief Election Officer or designated person, during the following period: 9:00 am, Tuesday October 4, 2011 to 4:00 pm, Friday October 14, 2011 excluding Statutory Holidays and weekends at the following location:
NOMINATIONS WILL NOT BE ACCEPTED AFTER 4:00 PM ON FRIDAY, OCTOBER 14, 2011. Qualifications for Office A person is qualified to be nominated, elected, and to hold office as a member of local government if they meet the following criteria: • Canadian citizen; • 18 years of age or older; • resident of British Columbia for at least 6 months immediately before the day nomination papers are filed; • not disqualified by the Local Government Act or any other enactment from voting in an election in British Columbia or from being nominated for, being elected to, or holding office
Advance Elector Registration Period
Election Office City Hall 511 Royal Avenue New Westminster, BC Nomination packages will be available from August 26, 2011 at the Election Office and/or City Clerk’s Office during regular office hours being 8:30 am to 4:30 pm, Monday to Friday, excluding statutory holidays and weekends. Completed nomination documents can be filed, by appointment, with the Chief Election Officer or designated person by calling the Election Office at 604-527-4572 during regular office hours.
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Advance elector registrations will be accepted at the Election Office, Main Floor, at City Hall until 4:30 pm on Tuesday, September 27, 2011. With the exception of registrations on advance voting days (Wednesday, November 9, 2011 & Tuesday, November 15, 2011) and general voting day (Saturday, November 19, 2011), elector registrations will not be accepted between September 27, 2011 and November 21, 2011.
Elector Qualifications RESIDENT ELECTORS: • age 18 or older; • a Canadian citizen;
G e n e r a l
L o c a l
E l e c t i o n
• a resident of British Columbia for at least 6 months immediately before the day of registration; • a resident of the City of New Westminster for at least 30 days immediately before the day of registration; and • not disqualified by any enactment from voting in an election or otherwise disqualified by law. NON-RESIDENT PROPERTY ELECTORS: • age 18 or older; • a Canadian citizen; • a resident of British Columbia for at least 6 months immediately before the day of registration; • a registered owner of real property in the City of New Westminster for at least 30 days immediately before the day of registration; and not holding the property in trust for a corporation or another trust; • not entitled to register as a resident elector; • not disqualified by any enactment from voting in an election or otherwise disqualified by law; and • if there is more than one registered owner of the property, only one of those individuals may, with the written consent of the majority of the owners, register as a non-resident property elector. Please note that no corporation is entitled to be registered as an elector or have a representative registered as an elector and no corporation is entitled to vote.
public inspection, at the Election Office at City Hall, during regular office hours, being 8:30 am to 4:30 pm, Monday to Friday (excluding statutory holidays). In order to protect personal privacy or security, an elector has a right to request to have their personal information omitted from or obscured on the List of Registered Electors which is to be available for public inspection.
Objection to Registration of an Elector An objection to the registration of a person whose name appears on the list of registered electors may be made in accordance with the Local Government Act until 4:00 pm on Friday, October 14, 2011. An objection must be in writing, to the Chief Election Officer, and may only be made by a person entitled to be registered as an elector of the City of New Westminster and can only be made on the basis that the person whose name appears has died or is not qualified to be registered as an elector of the City of New Westminster. Further information on the foregoing may be obtained by contacting the Election Office at City Hall:
List of Registered Electors
Brenda Sims Chief Election Officer 604-527-4572
Beginning October 4, 2011 until the close of general voting for the election on Saturday, November 19, 2011, a copy of the list of registered electors will, upon signature, be available for
Jennifer Janzen Deputy Chief Election Officer 604-527-4608
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G e n e r a l
L o c a l
E l e c t i o n
12
September 2011 Feel comfortable and confident about your financial future with professional advice. Studies* show that clients of financial advisors tend to start saving earlier and have higher net worth. With The Plan by Investors Group™, I can help you save tax and better weather unpredictable markets. Contact me for your copy of “The Value of The Plan” and get started today. Bruce McAndless-Davis B.A. M.Div.
Consultant bruce.mcandless-davis@investorsgroup.com (604) 431-0117
* Value of Financial Planning. Study by the Financial Planning Standards Council, 2010 ™ Trademarks owned by IGM Financial Inc. and licensed to its subsidiary corporations. © Investors Group Inc. 2011
THE REGULAR THEN A man wants into a bar and asks for a pint of lager and a bag of helicopter chips. “Sorry,” said the barman, “we don’t have any helicopter chips, we only have plane.”
The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, “Yes?” “There’s something wrong with my ‘ear’,” he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly. “And what is wrong with your ear, sir?”
SOMETHING WRONG
“I can’t piss out of it,” the man replied.
A man walked into a crowded doctor’s office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, “Yes sir, may we help you?” “There’s something wrong with my wiener,” he replied. The receptionist became aggravated and said, “You shouldn’t come into a crowded office and say things like that.” “Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,” he said.
One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his new college class. He stood up in front of the class and said, “Would everyone who thinks he or she is stupid please stand up?” After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up.
“We do not use language like that here,” she said. “Please go outside and come back in and say that there’s something wrong with your ‘ear’ or whatever.”
WHO’S STUPID?
“Well, hello there sir. So you actually think you’re stupid,” the professor asked. The kid replied, “No sir, I just didn’t want to see you standing there all by yourself.”
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Westminster Pier Park In spring 2009, the City of New Westminster acquired a section of waterfront property as the site for a future . Downtown park. Planning for Westminster Pier Park got underway in fall 2009 after the City received $16.6 million in funding from the Provincial and Federal governments under the Building Canada Fund. Item
Status
Park Master Plan
COMPLETE
Remediation Investigation
COMPLETE
Park Detailed Design
COMPLETE
Site Preparation & Fencing
COMPLETE
Contaminated Soil Removal
COMPLETE
Wharf Demolition
COMPLETE
Piling & Decking
COMPLETE
Park Construction Contract
AWARDED
Foundation Construction & Servicing
in progress
Groundwater Treatment
COMPLETE
Earthworks
in progress
Building Construction & Concrete Work
Summer 2011 start
Soft Landscaping (planting)
Fall 2011
Project Cost:
$25.1 million*
Completion:
Fall 2011
* $16.6 million - Building Canada Fund $8.3 million - City of New Westminster $100 thousand - Brownfield Remediation Fund $100 thousand - Green Municipal Fund
www.newwestcity.ca
BACK TO SCHOOL SPECIALS! BUNK BED SALE ONLY $499
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14
September 2011
ELECT CALVIN
TEACHER’S GIFT It was the nursery
teacher touched the liquid with her finger and tasted it. “Mmmmm is it wine,” she asked.
teachers birthday
“No,” said the little girl.
DONNELLY
and the students
So she tasted it again. “Is it Champagne?”
COUNCILLOR
decided that they
“No,” replied the little girl, “It is a puppy.”
calvindonnellyelection@shaw.ca
would each buy their
“Help me put balance back on City Council.”
teacher a gift.
- Calvin
The first student,
THE GENIUS FARMER A man is driving down a country road when
whose parents own a
he spots a farmer standing in the middle of
florist shop, gave her
a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over
a present. She held it
to the side of the road and notices that the
and said “I guess that it is flowers”. “How did you guess,” asked the little boy. She laughed and thanked him. The second student, whose parents own a sweet shop, gave her a present. She held it and said, “I guess that is some sweets.” “How did you guess,” asked the little boy. She again laughed and thanked him also. The third student, whose parents own a wine outlet, gave her a box which was leaking. The
farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, “Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?” The farmer replies, “I’m trying to win a Nobel Prize.” “How,” asks the man, puzzled. “Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field.”
Piffle’s MATH MADNESS
Try to fill in the missing numbers. Use the numbers 1 through 9 to complete the equations. Each number is only used once. Each row is a math equation. Each column is a math equation. Remember that multiplication and division are performed before addition and subtraction. Solution on page 22.
John McRae (Rae) Eddie served as a Member of the Legislative Assembly of British Columbia representing the riding of New Westminster. He was a member of the Cooperative Commonwealth Federation, which became the New Democratic Party. What years did he serve?
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
September 2011
15
Po e t ’s ONLY IN NEW WESTMINSTER One reason the Royal City is the unofficial poetry capital of British Columbia is because traditional poems written by the current or a past Poet Laureate are read publicly on many civic occasions. The practice dates from 1999,
well before any other British Columbia community had an official poet laureate.
our new Canadians. A judge who swears-in new Canadians across the province has been given permission to read the poem at each citizenship ceremony he performs.
The following poem has been read at many Citizenship Day ceremonies held at City Hall, and a keepsake copy given to
WELCOME NEW CANADIANS
by Don Benson
Today, you’re being adopted by this northern Motherland; Today’s a day to look toward tomorrow; But tomorrow, when you dream about that distant other land, Remember it with ethnic pride, not sorrow.
Do you long for Tanzania, and the marketplace at Dar, Snow-capped Kilimanjaro, monsoon rain? Do your daydreams take you down the narrow streets of Zanzibar, Or to daybreak on the Serengeti Plain?
Do you miss a silent temple where the spirit candles glow? Does the perfume of the flame tree linger on? Do you long for great, flat rice lands and the water buffalo, And the misty river delta in the dawn?
Viking myths and ludafisk, skiing and smorgasbords; October snows tell winter has begun; Ruddy faces, reindeer herds, deep and brooding fjords; The bright and endless days of midnight sun.
Sheep-milk cheese and rocky meadows; the sweet-grass table lands; Plum brandy, and a shady linden tree; Black caviar, stuffed cabbage, a roving gypsy band; The willows where the Danube meets the sea.
Does your heart belong to Wales? Do you dream of Camelot? The breeze off Bristol Bay and lyric pubs? Do you miss your childhood village with its row of chimney pots, Where black-faced miners scrubbed in tiny tubs?
Do you miss the Sunday bullfights and the ancient mission bells, Skinny dogs and fat brown chickens running free? Burrows, jungled mountains, aromatic cooking smells, Mariachi bands playing loudly — just off key? Shrouded women, turbaned men; shrieking, puffing trains; Flute songs, and the tigers of Bengal; Praying in a river, and the welcome monsoon rains; Cricket, sacred cows, the Taj Mahal.
A bagpipe’s skirl, the tartan shops along the Royal Mile; The highlands where the purple heather grows; Locks and glens, the ancient abbey at Iona Isle; The haunting veil of sadness at Glencoe. Now Canada’s your homeland; in time you’ll love her best – This mother who’s so strong, and free, and vast; Too big to be embraced, she’s not too big to be caressed; Bring to her all the best gifts from your past. Welcome, New Canadians! Be proud this day! Stand taller than the tallest maple tree!
Traditions
SIMON FRASER – The Perilous Journey is enriched by Don Benson’s trademark verses, providing insights into the fears and triumphs of these courageous pathfinders using words only a gifted poet can weave.
Using his trademark blend of prose, narrative verse and photographs, the author transports us back to a time when New Westminster was a special blend of Victorian England and the American Wild West, where its earliest endearing traditions were forged.
The Perilous Journey
Also in 2007, he was awarded the prestigious British Columbia Community Achievement Award by the Lieutenant Governor of British Columbia for his contributions to Athletics, the Performing Arts and the Written Arts.
$19.95 Westminster Publishing Limited Box 224 720 Sixth Street New Westminster, BC V3M 3C5 Canada
Don Benson
ISBN 978-1-895493-02-3
61995
Westminster Publishing Ltd Box 224 720 Sixth Street New Westminster, BC V3M 3C5 Canada
9 781895 493023
Submit your joke at piffle.ca
Traditions
About The Author Don Benson was first named Poet Laureate for the City of New Westminster early in 1999, and was appointed for six additional one-year terms before being named Poet Laureate Emeritus, a life-time appointment, early in 2007.
This fascinating book will surprise, entertain, and inspire you. Be prepared to see our history in a new light!
Westminster Publishing
150 Years of New Westminster
Along the way, we learn how New Westminster, perhaps more than any city in Canada, became a city steeped in the unique, charming, and proud traditions it wears today as its mantle.
Don Benson has written extensively about Simon Fraser’s 1808 exploration of the river, the gold rush of 1858, the paddleboats that churned their way up the river in that era and the Great Flood of 1948. Over the years two of his works have won the annual Neville Shank’s Memorial Award for the best local history article in B.C. community newspapers. Don Benson was first named poet laureate for the City of New Westminster in 1999. He was appointed by city council for six more one-year terms before being appointed poet laureate emeritus, a life-time appointment, early in 2006.
Fold Line
www.newwestminsterpublishing.ca
SIMON FRASER
Don Benson
604-521-5584
Award-winning historian Don Benson takes us back through 150 stirring years in New Westminster, a Royal City born of British Columbia’s frantic Fraser River Gold Rush of 1859.
Benson also gives deserving praise to the First Nations people who guided, transported, entertained, fed and provided translations for Fraser’s exploration party, and on more than one occasion spared the lives of Simon Fraser and the members of his expedition.
Fold Line
Submit Poems: donbenson@telus.net Books by Don Benson Poet Laureate Emeritus
There is no such thing as a tradition that exists of its own accord. Instead, and always, each tradition must be embraced and cultivated.
Benson gives due credit to the brave and boisterous young French Canadian and Metis voyageurs who transported Fraser, his officers and the tons of supplies necessary for such a major undertaking.
150 Years of New Westminster Traditions
150 Years of New Westminster
Simon Fraser - The Perilous Journey Through the pages of SIMON FRASER – The Perilous Journey, award-winning author Don Benson takes us down the roaring rapids and along the dizzying canyon cliffs with Simon Fraser on his daring exploration of the Fraser River in 1808, an expedition called the most dangerous in the history of North American explorations.
Don Benson
16
September 2011
WORMS A chemistry teacher wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms. “Now, class. Observe the worms closely,” said the teacher putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a door nail. “Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment,” the teacher asked. Johnny, who naturally sits at the back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, “Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms.”
SWEET HOME ALABAMA It was the first day of Grade Three in a new town for Johnny. As a test, his teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50. Some did very well, counting as high as 30 or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn’t get past 20. Johnny, however, did extremely well; he counted past 50, right up to 100 without any mistakes. He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had done. His Dad
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September 2011
17
nodded and told him, “That’s because you are from Alabama, son.” The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. It’s Grade Three, so most could make it half way through without much trouble. Some made it to S or T, but Johnny rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end. That evening, Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school. His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, “That’s because you are from Alabama, son.” The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly hairy. This confused him. That night he told his Dad. “Dad, they all have bare skin, but I’m hairy all over. “Is that because I’m from Alabama,” he asked. “No, son,” explained his Dad, “That’s because you’re 18.”
CUNNING LINGUIST A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.” “However,” he pointed out, “there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.” A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah. Right.”
A VIKING NAMED LEIF One day a Viking named Leif returned after a long sea voyage and found that during his absence his name had been removed from the town register. He sent his wife to the town hall make a complaint to the mayor. “I’m sorry,” said the mayor, “I must have taken Leif off my census.”
PREPARE FOR THE FALL SEASON Autumn is the time of year when the weather starts to cool and children and parents are busy preparing for back to school. New Westminster Fire and Rescue Services recommends home and building owners take the time to reduce injury and fire risk and properly prepare your property for the upcoming fall season. WET LEAVES Remove wet leaves from your sidewalks, the walkways leading to your home, your porch steps and the porch itself. Wet leaves can become slippery and pose a hazard. Always help older family members up and down outside steps and walking along wet sidewalks to help prevent injuries. CHIMNEY Have your chimney inspected and cleaned by a professional prior to using your fireplace for the fall. Any cracks in and around the base of your chimney could release carbon monoxide into your home ©rchrdcnnnghm as you are burning a fire in the fireplace. A build-up of soot in the chimney itself could catch fire as the embers travel up the chimney. Also have the chimney inspector look for any bird’s nests in the chimney opening that could catch fire or stop carbon monoxide from escaping out. As part of your chimney maintenance, make sure all of the smoke and carbon monoxide detectors in the house have fresh batteries and operate properly. YARD CLEAN UP Any kind of vegetation is combustible. Mature trees, shrubs, grass, even your woodpile, are all potential fuels and can easily ignite. Managing the space around your house and buildings is of prime importance. Maintain a 15-ft fire safe zone around your home or building — remove perennial grasses and thin out overgrown bushes; remove dead branches or branches touching the ground. For more information, visit http://bcwildfire.ca/ Prevention/firesmart.htm Your New Westminster Fire and Rescue Services cares about you and your safety! If you require further information, please visit our website at: www.newwestcity.ca or call the Fire Prevention Division at 604-519-1004.
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18
September 2011 THE CLOCK Just after I got married I was invited out for a night with the boys. I told my wife that I would be home by midnight… promise! The evening went well, the jokes were being told and the grog was going down easy and
LABOUR DAY FESTIVAL SEPTEMBER 5, 2011 11:00 - 3:00 pm Robson Square Downtown Vancouver
at around 3 a.m. full as a boot I went home. Just as I got in the door the cuckoo clock started and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly I realized that she’d probably wake up so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having the quick witnessed even when drunk, to escape a possible conflict. Next morning my wife asked me what time I got in and I told her 12 o’clock. Whew! Got
For more information: Georgi Bates - VDLC gbates@cope378.ca or 604-928-7584
Come join us for fun, games, and great entertainment for the entire family. 2UJDQL]HG E\ WKH 9DQFRXYHU 'LVWULFW /DERXU &RXQFLO·V <RXQJ :RUNHU Committee along with the B.C. Federation of Labour. 0140-11not-mp-labour day poster.indd
away with that one! She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked why she said: “ Well, at 3 a.m. this morning it cuckooed 3 times, paused, swore, cuckooed another 4 times, farted, cuckooed another 3 times, paused, cleared its throat and cuckooed twice, then giggled for over three minutes. I think it’s broken, don’t you?”
LORD HAVE MERCY What government agency is responsible for finding lost Priest? The Bureau of Missing Parsons.
FRENCH WALLETS I knew this eccentric Frenchman who raises carp in the south of France. When the carp are full grown, he catches them, skins them, and makes men’s wallets out of the skins. He is, in fact, a man known for his carp to carp walleting.
HAM SANDWICH AGAIN? Three construction workers were working on Another fine “time distraction” brought to you by your local Piffle Magazine.
a sky scraper, discussing their lunch.
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
September 2011
19
The first construction worker said, “Ham, ham, ham! All I ever get is a ham sandwich! I’m so sick of ham sandwiches. If I get
the building and killed himself. And the third
ELECT CALVIN
another ham sandwich tomorrow, I’m gonna
construction worker
jump off this building and kill myself.”
got a peanut butter
DONNELLY
sandwich, so he
calvindonnellyelection@shaw.ca
jumped off the
“Help me put balance back on City Council.”
The second construction worker said, “Turkey, turkey, turkey! All I ever get is a turkey sandwich! I’m so sick of them! If I get
building and killed
ONE MORE turkey sandwich, I’m gonna kill
himself, too.
myself, too!”
COUNCILLOR
At the funeral,
The last construction worker said, “Peanut
- Calvin
the wives were
butter, peanut butter, peanut butter! All
in mourning. The wife of the first
I ever get for lunch is a peanut butter
construction worker said, “If only he had
sandwich. I’m getting so sick of them! If I get
told me! I wouldn’t have made another ham
another peanut butter sandwich, I’m going to
sandwich.”
join you guys and jump off this sky scraper.” The next day, the first construction worker got a ham sandwich. So he jumped off the building and killed himself.
The wife of the second construction worker said, “If only he had told me! I wouldn’t have made another turkey sandwich.” The wife of the third construction worker
The second construction worker got another turkey sandwich, so he jumped off
said, “I don’t know why he jumped. He always made his own sandwiches!”
studio portraits • event photography • photo restoration • commercial • custom picture framing Submit your joke at piffle.ca
20
September 2011 THE VILLAGE PUB A couple of hikers were tramping through the countryside and had lost their way, so
UPCOMING EVENTS
Poker Tournaments every Sunday, 2 p.m. No cost… come join the fun!
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by the time they arrived at the “George and Dragon”, the village pub where they’d arranged
SEPTEMBER 5, LABOUR DAY: We’re open at 1pm, fun poker tourney, mega meat draws, 60/40 draw… come join the fun!
to stay the night, the doors were locked and
FOOTBALL FANS! Monday Night Football Starting Monday, September 12 until the end of the season we will be open 3:30pm until closing, football pools (details will be posted), meat draws, 60/40 draw, Membership draw, a free drink on Mondays for Football Club Members (FBC) ($50.00 FBC membership fee)
timidly on the front door.
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play within it.
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the owners had gone to bed. They knocked A head appeared at an upstairs window and shouted, “Go away. Don’t you know what time it is? We’re closed,” and the window slammed shut. Undeterred, the hikers knocked again. “What is it now,” demanded the head. “Could we speak to George this time please,” asked on the hikers.
THE ENGLISH GENTLEMAN Wee Hughie adored and loved his girlfriend,
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Lorraine, to whom he was engaged to be married. Wedding plans were well underway and he was looking forward to spending the rest of his life with Lorraine. However, a beautiful young lady, called Clearly, came to work in his glen and they found that they got on together very well and as time went by, Wee Hughie realized that he was in love with Clearly and that the Love was
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Being a gentleman he decided that as he had promised to marry Lorraine he would do so and steadily removed himself from his other relationship. One day, he and Lorraine were walking along the banks of the River Tay. As they walked, Lorraine slipped and fell into the river and was swept away and drowned. He stood on the bank for a few minutes feeling very sad before walking away singing happily. And this is what he sang. “I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone.”
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
“Help me put balance back on City Council.”
- Calvin
ON NOVEMBER 19
ELECT CALVIN
DONNELLY COUNCILLOR
CITY OF NEW WESTMINSTER Elect an experienced and committed person who has measured up to your expectations. Calvin Donnelly has 18 years experience as an Alderman & Councillor with the City of New Westminster. Calvin Donnelly has served on Council with the last 5 Mayors, Wayne Wright, Helen Sparkes, Betty Toporowski, Tom Baker, and Muni Evers.
Return Calvin Donnelly’s experience and community involvement with families, seniors, and youth to City Hall.
On November 19, mark one of your six votes for Calvin Donnelly.
Contact Cal at 604-250-3564 or email calvindonnellyelection@shaw.ca
22
September 2011 DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM? It was the final exam for an English course. Like most freshman courses, it was designed to weed
LIZA’S
out new students, having over 700 students in the class. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. Thirty minutes into the exam, a student rushed in and asked for an exam booklet. “You’re not going to have time to finish
HOROSCOPES SEPTEMBER 2011
For an In-depth Personal Reading, go to www.lizakolbuck.com ARIES: Jupiter offers you blessings this month in your house of money. Just be sure what you buy is really what you want. Wasting money is not a good idea. TAURUS: Self discovery plays a major role for you during this time. As does self indulgence. You express yourself in grandiose way and others are attracted to you. GEMINI: Spiritual and religious values may seem to take center stage. You may see the world through compassionate eyes and want to do something about it. CANCER: Friends and groups play an important role in your life during this time. Whatever you put out at this time will come back in great quantities.
this,” the professor stated as he handed the student a booklet. “Yes, I will,” replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the students filed up and handed their exams in. All except the late student, who continued writing. Half an hour later, he finally came up to the professor’s desk and attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets. “No you don’t, I am not going to accept that, It’s late!” The student looked incredulous and angry. “Do you know who I am?” “No, as a matter of fact, I don’t,” replied the professor sarcastically. “DO YOU KNOW
LEO: Authority figures see you in a positive light during this time. You can expect promotions and recognition for your hard work.
WHO I AM,” the student asked again.
VIRGO: Travel and higher learning take center stage. People of ethnic races and different cultures play a major role during this time. Think and achieve.
with an air of superiority.
LIBRA: Your likely to benefit from other people’s resources during this time. Loans will become available. You may seek insight from mystical literature. SCORPIO: Partnerships both professionally and personally benefit you during this time. Now is not a good time to go at it alone. Ask and you shall receive. SAGITTARIUS: Now is a good time to quit those nasty habits. Improvements in your daily life take place. Avoid any kind of over indulgence.
“No, and I don’t care,” replied the professor “Good,” replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.
Piffle’s MATH MADNESS
CAPRICORN: Self expression takes center stage. Creativity and artistic abilities are also highlighted during this time. Take some time to have fun. AQUARIUS: You may seek peace and security within your home-life. If planning on purchasing a new home all will go well. Family will be of great assistance. PISCES: You want to share your ideas and so you shall. Say what is on your mind, others are ready and willing to listen. Siblings play an important role.
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
SOLUTION FROM PAGE 14
September 2011
23
Lacrosse: A Symbol of a Nation Part Two by The Hainsworths
Dancers from the Mohawk Nation at Kahnawake (Caughnawaga) who performed during a lacrosse tournament in the presence of H.R.H. Prince Arthur, son of Queen Victoria, Montreal, October 9, 1869.
T
he Canadian Lacrosse Hall of Fame, located in New Westminster, houses a repository of great artifacts that take Lacrosse through its years since before the game was tamed and played by Canadian settlers. Come and visit this fascinating collection of information about Canada’s game of lacrosse. In our last month’s column we wrote that, Dr. William George Beers, one of the earliest Canadian whitesettler players and builders of the game of lacrosse, had experienced in the 1860’s and wrote that much of the First Nations’ past was “lost in the obscurity which surrounds the early history of this people”. Since 1636 when Jesuit Missionary Jean de Brebeuf first documented the sport, in opposition because he felt it encouraged betting and violence, this country has nevertheless been captivated with the beauty and strategy of the game of lacrosse. In Part I last month we described the motivation, equipment, and preparing the playing field. This month we are introducing the game, beginning at the many variations amongst the tribes with respect to the conduct and preparation of players the night before. Rituals were conducted in the privacy of each tribe’s warriors, and were somewhat associated with that of preparing for war, as they also used the game as a form of warfare practice. They participated in many rituals all night in preparation for the physical and mental pain they would endure the next day, such as sacred expressions of yelling, dancing naked while in a trance and plunging themselves in and out of the cold
night waters, ceremonial cuts being applied to the body, tying leather to be soaked and dried then shrunk around limbs, and other physically and mentally torturous acts. Spending all night around the fire to welcome the early morning light, tribesmen would begin meditations alone in the forest, possibly painting and festooning the body in tribal colours and decorations as well. Upon sunrise the villagers of the two opposing teams would gather at the game site, making bets with each other, chatting, and leaders would mark out the boundaries and goal posts of the field according to the number of players etc. Usually around 9:00 am, the warriors would emerge from the forest to the playing field as the greatest specimens of physical beauty, tall and proud like no other human form ever seen. Wearing only a breech cloth and maybe moccasins, some tribesmen would also have tied around their waists a white horse tail, which draped behind them. While the players entered the field tribeswomen might even be observed amongst them giving a warrior of her choice a gift of her affection in the form of a decoration for him to wear in the game, as a knight would carry his ladylove’s glove into combat. The captain of a team was usually the chief, of which he might be the best and fastest player as well. The umpires were generally the medicine men, and the old chiefs from each tribe kept score. When the game was to commence, a stake might be set to mark centre field, and the warriors would advance proudly with sticks in hand, each tribe taking part in a dance around their own goals. After which, the players would congregate around the stake, defending their side with warrior cries back and forth. Initiated by a captain or game director, the players would either sit with their sticks laid in front of them waiting for the ball to be thrown into the air, or the ball in other games might be laid on the ground and with a signal the players would rush towards it trying to be the first to capture it. Either way, the player that took the ball would advance toward the opposite goal and would inevitably have a swarm of players coming for him. There were not many rules set except that the ball was generally kept from hitting the ground and if it did it was to be shot to make a goal or passed onto the other team. However, for players and spectators alike it was very hard to determine what was happening as the players would be like mobs of angry hounds descending on each other to get the player with the ball, or to defend him as he and his team mates tried to prevent the ball from being lost to the continued on next page opposing tribe. Clattering sticks
Submit your joke at piffle.ca
24
September 2011
would fly in amongst arms and legs, blood would be drawn, and bones would be broken as they all tripped over stumps, trees, and holes created by fallen vegetation. Sometimes they would become a travelling swarm of flesh and sticks as they jockeyed for possession of the ball, and the first few Olympians out would usually appear without clothes as they got ripped off in the scuffle. Players would create with beauty and excitement, magnificent leaps, warrior cries, shows of great strength using every muscle in their bodies, and demonstrate their quick strategic moves while passing the ball to each other or to make a goal while throwing it in amongst the boughs of trees. In historic accounts, this game was described as the most exciting, glorious, and
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amusing game ever to be played or observed. Games could go on for a couple of days if not a single goal was made in a timely fashion, stopping at sundown to begin the next day at sunup. When the game ended, there was usually a big feast laid out for the hungry players and villagers, and all kinds of celebrating might take place until all hours. This month is a good time to take in a contemporary game, as the Mann Cup Tournament is taking place in New West. Hope to see you there! Written by Katherine Freund-Hainsworth & Gavin Hainsworth, Co-Authors “A New Westminster Album: Glimpses of the City as it Was” (2005). E-mail: anewwestminsteralbum@shaw.ca.
Are you an Author, Poet, or Singer Song Writer? Come down and sign up for the OPEN MIC and perform on September 11th, 2011 at 1:00 p.m. to 3:00 p.m. at Renaissance Books. OPEN MIC nights are a great way to demo your poems, books, songs as a songwriter. We offer a laid back atmosphere where you can test out craft. It’s also perfect for when you’re starting out.
Jam with others at Renaissance Book Store: Every Tuesday & Thursday around 6:30 p.m. to 9:30 p.m. join us for the singing circle. Bring your Guitars plus any others like harmonica, fiddle tunes played here. What better way to learn to play with others and learns some tunes.
We proudly support local authors and writers. Ask about Book Buy Back. BUY 2 CHAI LATTES FOR THE PRICE OF ONE.
A LARGE COLLECTION OF FINE USED BOOKS, INCLUDING OUT-OF-PRINT & HARD-TO-FIND BOOKS AND NEW BOOKS BY LOCAL AUTHORS.
Check out Renaissance Books website www.renaissancebookstore.com
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
September 2011
25
HORSE THIEVES
“I’m not sure,”
Which American duo became famous for stealing horses?
replied the local, “but the coffin.”
CALVIN
THE FIDDLER
calvindonnellyelection@shaw.ca
I think it’s the one in
Bonnie and Clydesdale.
A BOX OF BISCUITS “Doctor, Doctor! I feel I’m a box of biscuits!”
What do you call a
“What, you mean those square ones?”
horse that plays the
“Yes!”
violin in a musical?
“The ones you put butter on?”
ELECT
Fiddler on the hoof.
“Yes!” “Well, that means you’re crackers!”
YOU’RE DEAD RIGHT ABOUT THAT Did you hear about the undertaker who buried someone in the wrong place? He was sacked for making a grave mistake.
FISH CAKES A man goes into a fish n chip shop with a salmon under his arm. He asks “Do you sell fish cakes here?” “No,” was the reply. “Shame, it’s his birthday.”
THAT WILL BE THE ONE A commercial traveller was passing through a small town when he came upon a huge funeral procession. “Who died,” he asked a nearby local.
Submit your joke at piffle.ca
DONNELLY COUNCILLOR
“Help me put balance back on City Council.”
- Calvin
26
September 2011
W T N P U P S T E O I S W M W
F A U Z W S U T P R Y I O O H
N E C H A S K R O T B T O H A
K Y D L E B I N C C E D D H I
J S C E O N W R S Z O X W D S
S R E K R O W L E E T S O T X
Q H G G R A L N Z O N T R P R
R C G K N I T Q Z I I O K D A
P J E I C I I I C C W N E N C
J R D N N E K R O J D E R Y U
S I U M P G M R L N O Y S N O
W O B B L I E S O Q O Y I A K
C Z Y I G X W R O W G O U C X
R U O B A L U Z J P N V Q I I
I K Y G E R R Y G S P P V V K
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
WORD SEARCH CAW CLASS COPE COUNCIL FEDERATION GERRY GINGER GOODWIN IRONWORKERS LABOUR STEELWORKERS STONEY UNIONS WOBBLIES WOODWORKERS WORKING
September 2011
27
THE OLD SEA CAPTAIN
One day the captain
Once upon a time there was a famous
died at sea. After
ELECT CALVIN
sea captain. This captain was very
laying the captain’s
successful at what he did for years he
body to rest, the
guided merchant ships all over the world.
first mate led the
DONNELLY
Never did stormy seas or pirates get the
entire crew into the
calvindonnellyelection@shaw.ca
best of him. He was admired by his crew
captains quarters. He
and fellow captains.
opened the safe, got
“Help me put balance back on City Council.”
However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock
the envelope, opened
COUNCILLOR
- Calvin
it and… The first mate turned
himself in his captain’s quarters and open
pale and showed the paper to the others. Four
a small safe. In the safe was an envelope
words were on the paper, two on two lines: ‘Port
with a piece of paper inside. He would
Left Starboard Right.’
stare at the paper for a minute, then lock it back up. After, he would go about his daily duties. For years this went on, and
STEAK & KIDNEY PIE A woman woke her husband one night and
his crew became very curious. Was it
said, “There’s a burglar in the kitchen eating
a treasure map? Was it a letter from a
my home-made steak and kidney pie!”
long lost love? Everyone speculated the contents of the strange envelope.
“Oh dear,” said her husband. “Who shall I call, police or ambulance?”
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28
September 2011
Sargent’s City Scene Sapper Flap Jack Saturday
Come to Sapper Flap Jack Saturday on Saturday, September 10 between 8:30 a.m. and 12 noon at Sapperton Hall, Lower Floor, 318 Keary St, New West (1/4 block from Royal Columbian Hospital — Emergency side or a 6 min. walk up from Sapperton SkyTrain Station). New West Fire Fighters will be flipping pancakes and cooking ham for a hearty breakfast. Melitta’s making the coffee. $5.00 per person, children 9 and under free. Order your tickets now by calling 604-5220280 or get to Sapperton Hall early so you can start your day right. Enter our Sapperton historical trivia contest with prizes relating Sapperton places or streets and for whom they were named, as well as the approximate time they were prominent. If you think of street names like Buchanan, Columbia, DeBeck, Keary, Miner, Nelson, Rousseau, Sapper, and Shiles or sites like Hume Park, Richard McBride or the Brunette River, find out how and why those names became important. Sapperton Hall, which opened September 1962, invites all people from Sapperton and area to come out and bring your family and DONNELLY friends — walk, jog, COUNCILLOR calvindonnellyelection@shaw.ca run, ride your bike, “Help me take the SkyTrain or put balance bus. Come and see back on City this community hall. Council.” - Calvin We are in the process
ELECT CALVIN
of completing over $60,000 worth of upgrades from grants to the hall. Improvements include new furnaces, high capacity hot water heater, handicap accessible washroom, windows, repainting lower floor walls, electrical in kitchen and more. The hall is becoming a great place for local focus. Historian Archie Miller reminds us that Saturday, September 10 is the same day and date 113 years ago, in 1898, that the ‘Great Fire’ broke out in the evening and it was Mr. Stott who rode his bicycle of Sapperton up to the reservoir to turn on the water for the Hyack fire fighters, assisting them to put out the fire. We also learned that Government House, which prior to British Columbia joining Confederation in 1871 and the home of governing powers of this colony was located in Sapperton. Yes, even Sappers had, and have, capital ideas. Remember, Saturday, September 10 between 8:30 a.m. and noon at Sapperton Hall, 318 Keary St. for Sapper Flap Jack Saturday for a hearty pancake breakfast prepared by New West Fire Fighters. Tickets: $5.00 per person; children 9 and under free. Order your tickets now by calling 604522-0280 or get to Sapperton Hall early so you can start your day right.
Royal City Humane Society Variety Show It’s time again for the Royal City Humane Society’s Variety Show! The 6th Annual RCHS Variety Show for 2011 is on Saturday, September 24 in Sapperton at the Pensioner’s Hall at 318 Keary.
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
September 2011
29
BREAKFAST • LUNCH • DINNER • DAILY SPECIALS
FREE DESSERTS ON YOUR BIRTHDAY!
OPEN 7 DAYS A WEEK! Mon to Sat: 7am–8pm Sun: 8am–3:30pm Holidays: 8am–8pm
Good morning! Breakfast all day!
1952–1969
604-524-8118 636 Sixth Street, New Westminster
SINCE 1954
Doors open at 6:30 p.m., entertainment starts at 7:00 p.m. This year our entertainment will include The Duck Soldiers, the Westcoast Harmony Chorus and the Songbirds Singing Trio and of course our fabulous and famous Silent Auction. Tickets are $20 each and available from Greens & Beans 143 East Columbia, Alpine Animal Hospital 348 6th Street and Van Pet at the McBride Shopping Mall on 8th and McBride. Tickets are also available by calling 604-5246447 and at the door. See out website www.rchs.bc.ca and ‘like’ us on Facebook Royal City Humane Society. We are a 100% volunteer run registered charity, founded by concerned New Westminster residents to deal with the pet overpopulation problem within our community. The RCHS is involved in testing and treating animals for disease, vaccinating, tattooing and spaying/neutering animals, and placing homeless animals in homes through our shelter and within our foster care system. We have feeding stations at various locations in New Westminster for undomesticated (feral) cats that we trap, test for disease, vaccinate, tattoo, spay/neuter then release. Funding is obtained through various fundraising activities, memberships and donations. All funds are spent on the welfare of the City Scene End animals
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30
September 2011 HIS JOB Why was the archaeologist upset? His job was in ruins.
THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY A couple of boys were fishing at their
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special pond off the beaten track when out of the bush’s jumped the Game Warden! Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods, and hot on his heels came the Game Warden. After about a half mile the boy stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thigh’s to catch his breath and the Game Warden finally caught up with him. “Lets see yer fishin license, Boy,” the Warden gasped. With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license. “Well, son,” said the Game Warden, “You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don’t have to run from me if you have a
iF yOU OR SOMEONE yOU KNOW iS LOOKiNG FOR A JOB…
valid license!”
Please visit www.ablemployment.com to apply for an interview. If you have staffing needs that ABL Employment could assist you with, please call Brittany at 604-684-2259.
friend back there, well, he don’t have one.”
Come work with us!
“Yes Sir,” replied the young feller, ”But my
THIS SHOULD WORK Two men went into a pub, ordered two beers, took some sandwiches out of their packs and started to eat them. “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here,” complained the pub-owner. The two men stopped, looked at each other and then swapped their sandwiches.
RIGHT ON What’s the wife of a hippie called? Mississippi.
ELECT CALVIN DONNELLY COUNCILLOR
calvindonnellyelection@shaw.ca
“Help me put balance back on City Council.”
- Calvin
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
Trillium Inve s tmen t Fund II (MI C) Inc .
Are you getting 10.5%* annual returns? 10.5% 2008–2010 Target Net Returns
Higher returns don’t always mean higher risk. Now there is an alternative. If you have been investing in risky and under-performing stocks, mutual funds or GICs, there is now an alternative. Trillium Investment Fund II (MIC) Inc. targets a 10.5%* annual return paid regularly in cash or reinvested for greater compounding returns. Trillium Investment Funds are: ■
Backed by the hard asset of real estate
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Federally Regulated and audited annually
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Eligible for RRSP, RESP, RIFF and TFSA
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Safe and stable investment
Call now to receive a sales kit or to speak with a representative
778-388-9820
Visit
info@thealternative.ca
www.TheAlternative.ca
*Historical performance is not necessarily indicative of future returns. Returns will fluctuate over time and are not guaranteed. Interested parties should review the Offering Memorandum and seek independent legal and investment advice prior to investing. This is not intended as an offering of a security for sale and is for information only to persons in British Columbia, Alberta and the Yukon Territories of Canada.
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