October 2011 | Your community humour magazine | issue 133
Zest of New West 2011 | October 21st – 30th Once again the Hyack Festival Association’s Zest of New West culinary experience is set to explode on New Westminster’s culture scene. With up to 12 restaurants competing for the People’s Choice award, you can expect fantastic dishes and tremendous value. For complete details on the participating restaurants, their Zest menu’s and the passions that drive the chefs who are the creative force behind it all, visit www.zestofnewwest.com
“Working with all to lead our City in a good direction.” — Mayor Wayne Wright
YOUR DIABETES RESOURCE CENTRE
WE ARE OPEN Mon to Thur 9am – 7pm Fri 9am – 6pm Sat 9am – 4pm Sun 9am – 3pm
981 Carnarvon St New Westminster
604-523-6767
778-773-0546 bmcintosh@newwestcity.ca
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2
October 2011
About Mayor Wayne Wright
Mayor Wayne Wright with grandsons Jacob and Ryland, and daughter Jamie. Wayne Wright was born and raised in Windsor, Ontario, and is a graduate of Windsor’s Teacher’s College. In 1969 he joined the International Division of KFC and by 1971 was managing the company’s Toronto Operations.
Business Man
As businessman and former CEO, Wayne recognized the potential of Columbia Street, and became president of the Downtown BIA. He supported a wide range of local charities over the decades, and was named New Westminster Citizen of the Year 2000.
Vision for our Neighbourhoods New Westminster, he was struck by the great potential he saw, and fell in love with our unique city with its rich heritage and compelling history and traditions.
As the years passed, Wayne saw that our neighbourhoods were going downhill and our industrial tax base was being eroded. Recognizing a lack of vision and leadership at city hall, he decided to do something about it.
he has kept his promises, and much more. Our Royal City has begun to shine once again. And once again we are surrounded by a feeling of optimism. Let’s keep that feeling alive. Let’s keep it Wright!
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
October 2011
3
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Glenn Jones would like to hear from his fans. E-mail him at funnybones.by.jones@gmail.com.
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4
October 2011 YOU KNOW YOU OVERDID THANKSGIVING WHEN… Paramedics bring in the Jaws of Life to pry you out of the EZ-Boy. You receive a Sumo Wrestler application in your e-mail. Friday you set off 3 earthquake
PIZZAS, DONAIRS, WRAPS, TACOS
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seismographs on your morning jog. Pricking your finger for blood sugar screening only yielded gravy. That rash on your stomach turns out to be steering wheel burn.
IF HE WERE WATCHING What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children? If your father could see you now, he’d turn over in his gravy!
SHOWERS & FLOWERS Q: If April showers bring May flowers what do May flowers bring? A: Pilgrims
DON’T LOOK! Keep your eye off the turkey dressing. It makes him blush!
THE TURKEY FARMER A turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey. His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone. After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
ELECT CALVIN DONNELLY COUNCILLOR
calvindonnellyelection@shaw.ca
“Help me put balance back on City Council.”
- Calvin
October 2011
5
Wishing Everyone a Happy Thanksgiving 778-773-0546 together. “Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey
Follow me on Twitter!
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bmcintosh@newwestcity.ca
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newwestminsterfrasers.blogspot.com
that has 6 legs!” They all asked the farmer how it tasted.
Now available for sale at Renaissance Books and the New Westminster Museum
“I don’t know” said the farmer. “I never could catch the darn thing!”
THE TURKEY BUTCHER It’s the day before Thanksgiving, and the butcher is just locking up when a man begins pounding on the front door. “Please let me in,” says the man desperately. “I forgot to buy a turkey, and my wife will kill me if I don’t come home with one.” “Okay,” says the butcher. “Let me see what I have left.” He goes into the freezer
A salute to labour that makes our city work!
and discovers that there’s only one scrawny turkey left. He brings it out to show the man. “That’s one is too skinny. What else you got” said the man. The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer and waits a few minutes and brings the same turkey back out to the man. “Oh, no,” says the man, “That one doesn’t look any better. You better give me both of them!”
TURKEY Q&A Q: What sound does a space turkey make? A: Hubble, Hubble, Hubble.
“Building a green livable city with safe, senior-friendly streets, a thriving economy to support our families, to preserve our culture and heritage and a sense of community that we can be proud of.”
Councillor BILL HARPER
Q: Why did the police arrest the turkey?
VISION • EXPERIENCE • ACTION
A: They suspected it of fowl play.
778-227-4869 • bharper@newwestcity.ca
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6
October 2011
THANK YOU Asked to write a composition entitled, “What I’m thankful for on Thanksgiving,” little Timothy wrote, “I am thankful that I’m not a turkey.”
NOT FOR DOORS Q: What key has legs and can’t open doors? A: Turkey.
OLD IS WHEN… “OLD” IS WHEN… Your sweetie says, “Let’s go upstairs and make love,” and you answer, “Honey, I can’t do both!” “OLD” IS WHEN… Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot. “OLD” IS WHEN… A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door. “OLD” IS WHEN… Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. “OLD” IS WHEN… You don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.
ELECT CALVIN DONNELLY COUNCILLOR
calvindonnellyelection@shaw.ca
“Help me put balance back on City Council.”
- Calvin
Chris Sargent, Owner & Publisher Email: publisher@piffle.ca
Magazine Locally Owned & Published Fourth floor, 604 Columbia St New Westminster, BC V3M 1A5 Publisher & Editor: Chris Sargent Photography: Gabor Gasztonyi, Trevor Batstone & Darren Lulka Graphic Design: Cliff Blank production@piffle.ca
604-525-9027
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604-290-7450
Email: info@piffle.ca Web: piffle.ca
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
“Help me put balance back on City Council.”
- Calvin
ON NOVEMBER 19
ELECT CALVIN
DONNELLY COUNCILLOR
Photo by Gabor Gasztonyi
CITY OF NEW WESTMINSTER Elect an experienced and committed person who has measured up to your expectations. Calvin Donnelly has 18 years experience as an Alderman & Councillor with the City of New Westminster. Calvin Donnelly has served on Council with the last 5 Mayors, Wayne Wright, Helen Sparkes, Betty Toporowski, Tom Baker, and Muni Evers.
Return Calvin Donnelly’s experience and community involvement with families, seniors, and youth to City Hall.
On November 19, mark one of your six votes for Calvin Donnelly.
Contact Cal at 604-250-3564 or email calvindonnellyelection@shaw.ca
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October 2011
YOUR DIABETES RESOURCE CENTRE
✔ FREE In-Store Blood Pressure Monitoring ✔ FREE Blister Packing
Most Extended Health Plans accepted. Easy transfer of prescriptions.
Monday to Thursday 9am – 7pm • Friday 9am – 6pm Saturday 9am – 4pm • Sunday 9am – 3pm
604.523.6767
More care because we CARE MORE! Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
October 2011
9
ROYAL CITY BUILDERS’ AWARDS
FREE NETWORKING EVENT yAPPy HALLOWEEN EVENT Free Pet Portraits by Off Leash Photography
©thefi xer
Prizes for the Best Costume, treats for pets and humans!
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 30, 2011 3:30 p.m. – 5:30 p.m. Bosley’s Pet Food Plus Columbia Square 114–1015 Columbia Street New Westminster
IMPERIAL PHARMACY IS OPEN
MONDAY TO THURSDAY 9AM – 7PM, FRIDAY 9AM – 6PM, SATURDAY 9AM – 4PM AND SUNDAY 9AM – 3PM
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10
October 2011
2011 General Local Election Notice of Nomination PUBLIC NOTICE is given to the electors of the City of New Westminster that a general local election will be held on Saturday, November 19, 2011. Nominations for qualified candidates for the offices of: • Mayor of the City of New Westminster — one person (1) • Councillor for the City of New Westminster — six persons (6) • School Trustee for School District #40 — seven persons (7)
will be received by the Chief Election Officer or designated person, during the following period: 9:00 a.m.
excluding Statutory Holidays and weekends at the following location: Election Office City Hall 511 Royal Avenue New Westminster, BC
Election Office at 604-527-4572 during regular office hours.
NOMINATIONS WILL NOT BE ACCEPTED AFTER 4:00 P.M. ON FRIDAY, OCTOBER 14, 2011. Qualifications for Office A person is qualified to be nominated, elected, and to hold office as a member of local government if they meet the following criteria: • Canadian citizen; • 18 years of age or older; • resident of British Columbia for at least 6 months immediately before the day nomination papers are filed; • not disqualified by the Local Government Act, the School Act or any other enactment from voting in an election in British Columbia or from being nominated for, being elected to, or holding office or otherwise be disqualified by law.
Elector Qualifications and Registration RESIDENT ELECTORS:
Nomination packages will be available from August 26, 2011 at the Election Office and/or City Clerk’s Office during regular office hours being 8:30 a.m. to 4:30 p.m., Monday to Friday, excluding statutory holidays and weekends. Completed nomination documents can be filed, by appointment, with the Chief Election Officer or designated person by calling the
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• age 18 or older; • a Canadian citizen; • a resident of British Columbia for at least 6 months immediately before the day of registration; • a resident of the City of New Westminster for at least 30 days immediately before the day of registration; and • not disqualified by any enactment from voting in an election or otherwise disqualified by law.
G e n e r a l
L o c a l
E l e c t i o n
October 2011
11
Non-Resident Property Electors: • age 18 or older; • a Canadian citizen; • a resident of British Columbia for at least 6 months immediately before the day of registration; • a registered owner of real property in the City of New Westminster for at least 30 days immediately before the day of registration; and not holding the property in trust for a corporation or another trust; • not entitled to register as a resident elector; • not disqualified by any enactment from voting in an election or otherwise disqualified by law; and • if there is more than one registered owner of the property, only one of those individuals may, with the written consent of the majority of the owners, register as a non-resident property elector.
Please note that no corporation is entitled to be registered as an elector or have a representative registered as an elector and no corporation is entitled to vote. Application to register as an elector may now only be made during Advance Voting opportunities (Wednesday, November 9, 2011 and Tuesday, November 15, 2011), and at Special Voting opportunities, where applicable.
List of Registered Electors Beginning October 4, 2011 until the close of general voting for the election on Saturday, November 19, 2011, a copy of the list of registered electors will, upon signature, be available for public inspection, at the Election Office at City Hall, during regular office hours, being 8:30 a.m. to 4:30 p.m., Monday to Friday
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(excluding statutory holidays). In order to protect personal privacy or security, an elector has a right to request to have their personal information omitted from or obscured on the List of Registered Electors which is to be available for public inspection.
Objection to Registration of an Elector An objection to the registration of a person whose name appears on the list of registered electors may be made in accordance with the Local Government Act until 4:00 p.m. on Friday, October 14, 2011. An objection must be in writing, to the Chief Election Officer, and may only be made by a person entitled to be registered as an elector of the City of New Westminster and can only be made on the basis that the person whose name appears has died or is not qualified to be registered as an elector of the City of New Westminster. FURTHER INFORMATION on the foregoing may be obtained by contacting the Election Office at City Hall:
Brenda Sims Chief Election Officer 604-527-4572 Jennifer Janzen Deputy Chief Election Officer 604-527-4608
G e n e r a l
L o c a l
E l e c t i o n
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October 2011 Feel comfortable and confident about your financial future with professional advice. Studies* show that clients of financial advisors tend to start saving earlier and have higher net worth. With The Plan by Investors Group™, I can help you save tax and better weather unpredictable markets. Contact me for your copy of “The Value of The Plan” and get started today. Bruce McAndless-Davis B.A. M.Div.
Consultant bruce.mcandless-davis@investorsgroup.com (604) 431-0117
* Value of Financial Planning. Study by the Financial Planning Standards Council, 2010 ™ Trademarks owned by IGM Financial Inc. and licensed to its subsidiary corporations. © Investors Group Inc. 2011
FITNESS FOR SENIORS 1. It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you, at age 85, to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5,000 per month. My grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She is now 97 and we don’t know where the hell she is. 2. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. 3. I joined a health club last year, spent about $400. Haven’t lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up. 4. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I am doing. 5. I don’t exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.
Music lessons for all ages, all instruments, theory and RCM exam prep.
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604-525-5757
2 locations to serve you!
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Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
October 2011
13
6. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. 7. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. 8. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier. 9. If you are going to try cross country skiing, start with a small country. 10. And last, but not least, I don’t jog… it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
REMEMBERING THE ROMANCE An elderly couple came back from a wedding one afternoon and were in a pretty romantic mood. While sitting on their loveseat, the elderly woman looked at her companion and said, “I remember when you used to kiss me every chance you had.” The old man feeling a bit obliged leaned over and gave her a peck on the cheek. Then she said, “I also remember when you used to hold my hand at every opportunity.”
On November 19th
RE-ELECT JONATHAN X. COTE To New Westminster City Council Making a Difference
www.votecote.ca
The old man again feeling obligated reached over and gently placed his hand on hers. The elderly woman then stated, “I also remember when you used to nibble on my neck and send chills down my spine.” This time the old man had a blank stare on his face and started to get up off the couch. As he began to walk out of the livingroom his wife asked, “Was it something I said? Where are you going?” The old man looked at her and replied, “I’m going in the other room to get my teeth!”
EYE ON THE PRIZE Q: What international award might you win if you reduce your weight by 40 lbs? A: The Nobelly Prize.
HOLIDAY WEATHER I went on vacation last week. What a week it was. Only rained twice… once for three days, once for four.
Submit your joke at piffle.ca
14
October 2011
ELECT CALVIN
SOUNDS GOOD
stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing
For the first time
the attendant $3.50, he couldn’t help but
in many years, an
comment, “The last time I came to the
DONNELLY
old man traveled
movies, popcorn was only 15 cents.”
COUNCILLOR
from his rural town
calvindonnellyelection@shaw.ca
to the city to
“Help me put balance back on City Council.”
attend a movie.
- Calvin
“Well, sir,” the attendant replied with a grin, “You’re really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now.”
After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession
GRANDMA’S BIRTHDAY The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn’t speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right. A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon
Piffle’s MATH MADNESS
she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up. A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, “H1 Grandma, you’re looking good! How are they treating you?” Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, “They won’t let me fart.”
Try to fill in the missing numbers. Use the numbers 1 through 9 to complete the equations. Each number is only used once. Each row is a math equation. Each column is a math equation. Remember that multiplication and division are performed before addition and subtraction. Solution on page 22.
Thanksgiving Day is a chance for people to give thanks for a good harvest and other fortunes in the past year. In Canada has been a holiday on the second Monday of October since what year?
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
October 2011
15
Po e t ’s THE FARTHEST ECHO
by Don Benson
What has become of the rhythm on the River?
How soon the sound of the paddle’s passing has grown as faint as the far and final echo of a haunting whistle call in the night.
What has become of the white wishbone wake?
OUR RIVER TOWN
by Don Benson
A journey up the river in the paddle-wheeler days Was a journey you weren’t likely to forget; The era was unique, a time apart in many ways; The impressions that it made are with me yet. We’d start at New Westminster, a bustling frontier place Made up of shacks and stumps and boardwalk planks, And canneries and sawmills running at a hurried pace Strung out between the woods and riverbank. Lined up far down Front Street there’d be horse-drawn carts and drays Bringing cargo to the steamboat through the night; Shouted orders, screeching wheels and horses’ stomps and neighs Mixed and blended with the river’s smells and sights. The passengers that Fraser River paddle-wheelers carried Included horses, oxen, cows and mules; The cargo manifest was mixed and marvelously varied; It ranged from bric-a-brac to blacksmith tools. There were blankets, rugs and corsets, crockery and lace, Wines and gins and French and Spanish brandies; There was flour by the barrel, pheasants by the brace, And fancy duds for damsels, dudes and dandies. Near dawn, the folks start boarding; the first ones take their time, But soon late-risers scurry up the ramp; The rail is lined with settlers, miners, show-girls past their prime, All bound for landings or the mining camps. The captain climbs the wheelhouse stairs; the paddle’s slowly turning; He plants his feet apart and taps the clock; The whistle blows; its echo spreads a melancholy yearning; The lines are freed and cast off from the dock. The paddle tests its power; the vessel eases back; The morning sun ignites the paddle’s spray; The Fraser River’s waiting; the tide is flat and slack; The paddle churns; our journey’s underway!
Traditions
SIMON FRASER – The Perilous Journey is enriched by Don Benson’s trademark verses, providing insights into the fears and triumphs of these courageous pathfinders using words only a gifted poet can weave.
Using his trademark blend of prose, narrative verse and photographs, the author transports us back to a time when New Westminster was a special blend of Victorian England and the American Wild West, where its earliest endearing traditions were forged.
The Perilous Journey
Also in 2007, he was awarded the prestigious British Columbia Community Achievement Award by the Lieutenant Governor of British Columbia for his contributions to Athletics, the Performing Arts and the Written Arts.
$19.95 Westminster Publishing Limited Box 224 720 Sixth Street New Westminster, BC V3M 3C5 Canada
Don Benson
ISBN 978-1-895493-02-3
61995
Westminster Publishing Ltd Box 224 720 Sixth Street New Westminster, BC V3M 3C5 Canada
9 781895 493023
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Traditions
About The Author Don Benson was first named Poet Laureate for the City of New Westminster early in 1999, and was appointed for six additional one-year terms before being named Poet Laureate Emeritus, a life-time appointment, early in 2007.
This fascinating book will surprise, entertain, and inspire you. Be prepared to see our history in a new light!
Westminster Publishing
150 Years of New Westminster
Along the way, we learn how New Westminster, perhaps more than any city in Canada, became a city steeped in the unique, charming, and proud traditions it wears today as its mantle.
Don Benson has written extensively about Simon Fraser’s 1808 exploration of the river, the gold rush of 1858, the paddleboats that churned their way up the river in that era and the Great Flood of 1948. Over the years two of his works have won the annual Neville Shank’s Memorial Award for the best local history article in B.C. community newspapers. Don Benson was first named poet laureate for the City of New Westminster in 1999. He was appointed by city council for six more one-year terms before being appointed poet laureate emeritus, a life-time appointment, early in 2006.
Fold Line
www.newwestminsterpublishing.ca
SIMON FRASER
Don Benson
604-521-5584
Award-winning historian Don Benson takes us back through 150 stirring years in New Westminster, a Royal City born of British Columbia’s frantic Fraser River Gold Rush of 1859.
Benson also gives deserving praise to the First Nations people who guided, transported, entertained, fed and provided translations for Fraser’s exploration party, and on more than one occasion spared the lives of Simon Fraser and the members of his expedition.
Fold Line
Books by City of New Westminster Poet Laureate Emeritus Don Benson available at Irving House Museum.
There is no such thing as a tradition that exists of its own accord. Instead, and always, each tradition must be embraced and cultivated.
Benson gives due credit to the brave and boisterous young French Canadian and Metis voyageurs who transported Fraser, his officers and the tons of supplies necessary for such a major undertaking.
150 Years of New Westminster Traditions
150 Years of New Westminster
Simon Fraser - The Perilous Journey Through the pages of SIMON FRASER – The Perilous Journey, award-winning author Don Benson takes us down the roaring rapids and along the dizzying canyon cliffs with Simon Fraser on his daring exploration of the Fraser River in 1808, an expedition called the most dangerous in the history of North American explorations.
Don Benson
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October 2011
Re-Elect
Lorrie Williams
GOLF WITH TED “Charlie, why don’t you play golf with Ted any more?” Charlie’s wife asked. “Would you play golf with a chap who moved the ball with his foot when he thought you weren’t watching?” Charlie replied. “Well, no,” admitted his wife. “And neither will Ted,” replied the dejected husband.
EARLY SYMPTOMS A man went to the doctor with a strange complaint.
Councillor, New Westminster • Hard Working • Experienced • Ethical
On November 19th, Vote ‘X’ Lorrie Williams
“Save the last vote for me.”
604 521 3416
lorriew@shaw.ca
“Well it’s like this Doc, whenever I play golf, I fall in love with the beautiful, lush fairways and greens we are playing on, and I just burst into song.” “What’s wrong with that” asked the doc. Well all I ever sing when we’re on the course is ‘The Green Green Grass of Home’ and it’s annoying my colleagues.
THE VISITOR By Glenn Jones
#26-8720 Forest Grove Drive, Burnaby BC V5A 4C9 | 604-433-3986 | E-mail: glenn-jones@shaw.ca
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
October 2011
17
But there’s more… when we get back to the clubhouse, in the bar is the lucky black cat that lives at the club, then at the top of my voice I start singing.” “What’s new, pussy cat” and all I get is a barrage of complaint from the other members in the bar. “Can’t you sing some different tunes” asked the doctor. “Well no, I just can’t seem to sing anything else, but then it gets worse because when I get home, it continues and when I’m asleep and dreaming, I always sing ‘Delilah’, and my wife is increasingly getting really angry and suspicious. But I just can’t seem to stop singing these same tunes” “Ah, yes I see, I am beginning to suspect that you have the early symptoms of Tom Jones syndrome.” “Well I’ve never heard of that, is it common” asked the man. “It’s not unusual” replied the doctor.
CAN YOU SING? A man arrived at his holiday guest-house and met the landlady. “Can you sing” she snapped. “No,” he replied. “Well, you’d better learn quickly. There’s no lock on the bathroom door.”
KIDS! BE A HOME FIRE ESCAPE PLANNER
Make a map of your home. Mark a door and a window that can be used to get out of every room. Choose a meeting place outside in front of your home. This is where everyone can meet once they have escaped. Draw a picture of your outside meeting place on your escape plan. Have a grown-up sound the smoke alarm and practice your escape plan with everyone that lives in your home. Keep your escape plan on the refrigerator and remind grown-ups to have your family practice the plan twice a year or whenever anyone in your home celebrates a birthday. Visit www.sparky.org for cool games and activities about fire safety!
HALLOWEEN AND FIREWORKS SAFETY
We remind everyone of the regulations surrounding the use of fireworks in accordance with Fire Protection Bylaw 6940, 2004. No person shall, at ©jaja_1985 any time, offer for sale or sell Low Hazard Fireworks anywhere within the City. Low Hazard Fireworks may be possessed and set off within the City only in accordance with the following restrictions and requirements. Low Hazard Fireworks may only be possessed between 12:01 a.m. on October 28 and ending at 12:01 a.m. on November 1. These Fireworks may only be set off within this time period commencing at 4:00 p.m. on October 31 and ending at 12:01 a.m. on November 1. No person under the age of 18 years may possess or set off Low Hazard Fireworks. Low Hazard Fireworks may be set off only on private property with the consent of the owner, or on public property with written permission of the Fire Chief. No person shall use, set off or discharge roman candles. No person shall point or direct a firework at any person, animal, building or motor vehicle where the firework is in the process of exploding or detonating, and where it is capable of projecting or discharging a charge or pyrotechnical effect for a distance of more than three feet. No person may possess or set off High Hazard Fireworks without first obtaining a valid permit from the Fire Department. Your New Westminster Fire & Rescue Services cares about you & your safety! If you require further information, please visit our website at: www.newwestcity.ca or call the Fire Prevention Division at 604-519-1004
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18
October 2011
IT’S A CUSTOM
EYES THE BYE
In Africa some of the native tribes have a
A good friend of mine, living in northern
custom of beating the ground with clubs and
Newfoundland decided to go ice fishing. He
uttering spine chilling cries. Anthropologists
gathered up all of his tackle and moved out on
call this a form of primitive self-expression. In
the ice. He started to auger a hole in the ice
America we call it golf.
when he heard a voice boom out from above: “There are no fish here!”
PUTT-PUTT
He thought for a few moments, gathered up
Q: What goes putt, putt, putt, putt?
his stuff, then moved a little farther down the
A: A poor golfer.
ice. He started to auger a new hole in the ice when he heard the voice boom out from above:
AT THE CLIFFS OF DOVER A priest was walking along the cliffs at
“There are no fish here!!” So, he gathered up his stuff again, moved a
Dover when he came upon two locals pulling
little farther down the ice, then started to
another man ashore on the end of a rope.
auger another hole in the ice. Again he heard
“That’s what I like to see”, said the priest, “A man helping his fellow man.” As he was walking away, one local remarked
the voice boom out from above: “I said, there are no fish here!!!” He sheepishly asked: “Is that you god?”
to the other, “Well, he sure doesn’t know the
To which the booming voice replied:
first thing about shark fishing.”
“No, I’m the rink manager.”
A GOOD LOSER Show me a man who is a good loser and I’ll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss.
THE BOXER This trainer came up to this boxer. He said, “Are you ready for another fight?” The boxer said, “Just a bout.”
WHAT A TURKEY A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?” He stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”
THE DRESS IN THE WINDOW Customer: May I try on that dress in the Another fine “time distraction” brought to you by your local Piffle Magazine.
window, please?
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
October 2011
19
Clerk: No, ma’am. You’ll have to use the fitting room like everyone else.
“OLD” IS WHEN… “Getting lucky” means you find your
JUST LIKE MOM’S
car in the parking lot.
Customer: This food tastes terrible. You told me that the meals here were just like the ones your mother used to make. Waiter: They are. She couldn’t cook either.
SIGN IN THE WINDOW Sign in a restaurant window: “Eat now,
THE FLY
pay waiter.”
ELECT CALVIN DONNELLY COUNCILLOR
calvindonnellyelection@shaw.ca
“Help me put balance back on City Council.”
- Calvin
“Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup!” “I’m not surprised, sir, our chef used to be a tailor.”
FLAVORS “What flavors of ice cream do you have” asked the customer.
“OLD” IS WHEN…
“We have Vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate,”
“OLD” IS WHEN… An “all-nighter” means not getting up to pee!
answered the new waitress in a hoarse whisper. Trying to be sympathetic, the customer
“OLD” IS WHEN… When you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police. “OLD” IS WHEN… “Getting a little action” means I don’t need to take any fiber today.
asked, “Do you have laryngitis?” “No…” replied the waitress with some effort, “just… erm… vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate.”
studio portraits • event photography • photo restoration • commercial • custom picture framing Submit your joke at piffle.ca
20
October 2011 TWO ROACHES Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley. “I was in that new restaurant across
UPCOMING EVENTS
Know your limit, play within it.
FOOTBALL FANS! Monday Night Football every Monday. Until the end of the season we will be open 3:30 p.m. until closing, football pools (details will be posted), meat draws, 60/40 draw, Membership draw, a free drink on Mondays for Football Club Members (FBC) ($50.00 FBC membership fee) MONDAY, OCTOBER 10: Join us for Thanksgiving Dinner by Chef Ed. MONDAY, OCTOBER 31: It’s Halloween so stop by for your chance to win an NFL Jersey!
60/40 & MEAT DRAWS every Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday
the street,” said one. “It’s so clean! The kitchen is spotless, the floors are gleaming white. It’s so sanitary the whole place shines.” “Please,” said the other roach, frowning. “Not while I’m eating!”
THE FLY Customer: Waiter, what’s this fly doing in my ice-cream? Waiter: Looks like he’s learning to ski.
SPONGE CAKES Dessert made from borrowed ingredients.
Ask for Directions There was a pilot flying a small single engine
604-524-6524 | Entrance at 680 Clarkson St
charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into the Vancouver airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out. He began circling around looking for a landmark. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with a guy working alone on the fifth floor. He banks
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The man replies, “You’re in an airplane.” The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to perform a perfect blind landing on the airport runway 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does
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the engine as the fuel has run out. The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. “Quite easy,” replies the pilot, “I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore, that must
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
October 2011
21
be Microsoft’s support office and from there the airport is just five kilometers due East.”
SURE WE DO “Waiter, do you serve crabs?” “Sit down, sir. We serve anybody.”
ALL DAY BREAKFAST • FREE PARKING
a r c ' s s O
Waiter, this food isn’t fit for a pig. I’m sorry sir, I’ll bring you some that is.
604-527-8990
Cedar St
105-450 East Columbia Street Sapperton, New Westminser
CHICKEN PIE “Waiter, there’s no chicken in this chicken pie.” “There are no shepherds in the shepherd’s pie, either, sir.”
Open 8am – 9pm 7 DAYS A WEEK Japanese, Chinese & Canadian Food
I’VE OFTEN WONDERED Here’s a question: What do restaurants do with frog arms?
THE SOUP
BREAKFAST ALL DAY!
~ SPECIAL ~
“Waiter, waiter, what’s in this stuff?” “It’s bean soup, sir.” “I asked for its recipe, not its history.”
FROG’S LEGS “Waiter, waiter, do you have frogs’ legs?” “No, sir, I always walk this way.”
FAST SERVICE My brother was in a restaurant. He said, ‘Waiter, why is this pie squashed?’ The waiter said “Well sir, you said ‘I want a pie, and step on it’.”
SALMON “Waiter, waiter, have you smoked salmon?” “No, sir but I have smoked a pipe.”
SUCCESS If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
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Major St
Ward St
Join us for Breakfast, Lunch, or Dinner and enjoy $2.50 of your bill with a minimum purchase of $20 before tax. One coupon per table, per visit.
E COLUMBIA ST
Simon & Jenny Young of Young’s Café are back to serve you in Sapperton.
I’LL BE RIGHT BACK
22
October 2011 PET BIRD When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you’re sitting
LIZA’S
there, staring at carpeting?
WILLIAM PENN’S FAMILY The famous Statesman, William Penn, had two old aunts named Natalie and Ellie who were great at baking pies. But, alas, they got greedy and raised the prices up and up till all
HOROSCOPES October 2011
For an In-depth Personal Reading, go to www.lizakolbuck.com
ARIES: Pent up energy? Any relationship started at this time will be quite intense in regards to what it brings out in you. Are you ready to delve into places you have forgotten? TAURUS: You will shine in all partnerships during this time; business & pleasure. Others are attracted to your positive energy. Your displaying your best personality traits, feels good doesn’t it. GEMINI: You can learn a lot about yourself during this time. You may feel compelled to help others or feel compassion towards them. By November you will on a brand new road, prepare for it now. CANCER: A time of massive growth in your life. What you learn from others will benefit you; just don’t let it go to your head. Your in a major developmental cycle. LEO: A time of great activity in your life. Your able to push on through all those projects that are handed to you. Others may not be able to keep up with you. Keep your anger in check. VIRGO: You are much more in tune with all the beauty that surrounds you during this time. All communications with others can be turned into positivity. You may sign up for a course to beautify your home. LIBRA: Formulate your goals and go after them with gusto. You may find the groups you want to attach yourself to may not quite agree with you. Use your charm to turn this around. SCORPIO: Avoid conflict with others at all cost during this time. You have great ideas on how things should be done. Remember to present those ideas with smiles and not with your ego. SAGITTARIUS: If you already signed up for those course, great. If not, get to it. Your on a mission to learn and gain new experiences. What you learn can be applied into day to day living. CAPRICORN: If you’ve got ideas to share with authority figures, now is the time to do it. Expect a pleasant working environment and ease of conversation with your coworkers. Forget the tension, just go with the flow. AQUARIUS: You put 110% into all relationships during this time. Just remember others may not be as enthusiastic as you are — keep your ego in check, others are watching. PISCES: If travel is on your mind then now is the time to book that perfect get-a-way. Foreign cultures and higher learning appeal to you. Your more open to new experiences more than ever.
the people in Quakertown were talking about the pie rates of Penn’s aunts.
AT HOME Customer: I’d like a pair of stockings for my wife. Storekeeper: Sheer? Customer: No, she’s at home.
GLIMMER, GLIMMER Q: Why was the mother glow worm unhappy? A: Because her children weren’t that bright.
SEVEN Q: Why was six scared of seven? A: Because seven ate nine.
YOU KNOW YOU’ve BEEN ON YOUR COMPUTER TOo LONG WHEN… you start introducing yourself as Jim at aol.com.
Piffle’s MATH MADNESS
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
SOLUTION FROM PAGE 14
October 2011
23
Kindling for a Sesquicentennial Blaze by The Hainsworths
In 1903, it was reported that this city’s fire brigade became known as one of the most efficient on the coast.
T
he Hyacks began initially in the city as a volunteer fire department, with the introduction of a fire department on payroll in 1861. (The word “hyack” roughly translates to mean “quick” in the Chinook lan guage). To this day the volunteer Hyacks continue as a symbolic organization, and a great many of the original firefighting Hyacks were men from the Columbia Detachment of Royal Engineers. According to the New Westminster Fire Department’s 1861 Constitution, By-Laws and Rules of Order, Article I., the brigade was named “The Hyack Engine Company, No. 1”. Fire was a constant risk in New West in the nineteenth and early twentieth centuries, particularly in cities and towns, with brush fires and also because most buildings were constructed of wood and used wood-burning stoves and furnaces. They were towns made of kindling waiting for a flame. New Westminster’s first fire engine arrived in 1863, and was dubbed the “Fire King”. This particular fire engine was hand-drawn by the company’s firemen, and its water pressure was very low as the water was pumped by hand. From 1889 to 1919, horses shouldered an important role in firefighting. Their strength and speed meant a faster response and the arrival of fresher more energetic fire fighters at the scene. Horses were trained to immediately assume their positions when the fire bell rang ready to be harnessed to the engine. Training was so ingrained that the stories of retired horses rushing to the alarms at their former fire stations long after they were put out to pasture are true. The last fire horses were driven to the city market in 1919 to be sold. Since then fire brigades became motorized companies and these firemen were then able to save their strength for fighting the actual fire, instead of expelling energy just to get themselves and the engine to the fire scenes to then pump water by hand.
It was reported that firefighters facing down the blaze during New Westminster’s “Great Fire of 1898”, fought hard against the fire staying in position with courage as their fire hoses burned up while they dodged fire balls flying around. Despite the devastating amounts of damage to property, no one died as a direct result of the fire. In 1932 a fire started in the business district on Sixth and Carnarvon Streets, and was reported in the British Columbian newspaper on July 16th, that “the conflagration, (was) the worst in the city’s business area for years”. It was reported as one of the hottest burning fires fought in the city, as most of these firemen were left for their brave efforts with blistered skin by having to be very close to fight the flames. Their leather boots were chewed on by the hot pavement and resulted in them receiving blistered feet. Even their eyes were blistered as a result of their humble courageous acts. The excessive heat also caused the fire hoses to sink into the bitulithic pavement that had become soft, and sections of hoses came away from the fire covered in thick tar and stuckon gravel. Again, not one civilian died, but these brave firemen were left in rough shape. In the early years of the city, being a firefighter was a difficult job even by the standards of the time. The majority of fire departments in young cities were volunteer run, and were thrown barriers like having to deal with an array of water systems failures and a lack of precautionary emergency measures. Water supplies were not always a priority nor usually kept up to standards for fighting fires, let alone general water use. There are so many accounts of fires in history that were fanned by the fact that cities had carelessly turned off their water supply indeterminately scheduling for lengthy maintenance jobs. Underwhelming firefighting equipment and protective clothing made fighting fire even harder while already being in harm’s way. continued on next page Most commonly then, fires could
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24
October 2011
overtake a town or city causing great damage and loss of life sometimes in less than an hour. In 1903, it was reported that this city’s fire brigade became known as one of the most efficient on the coast. When looking over the last 150 years of history at fires in this city, our fire department has a very high rate of saving lives and preventing civilian injuries. During the Great Fire, firefighters protected the lives of everyone in town, when many other city’s “Great Fires” of the time, had very high death tolls. As we all know, today our firefighters not only fight fires, they protect our lives as first responders. They face having to tame other modern terrible situations that are
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constantly being thrown in their path, which firefighters never had to deal with in the past. The New Westminster Fire Department is proudly celebrating its sesquicentennial this year, and we celebrate the great strides they have made over years of risking their lives valiantly protecting this city. So when you hear fire engine alarms and see them hyacking by, be proud of them while still remembering to get out of their paths. Written by Katherine Freund-Hainsworth & Gavin Hainsworth, Co-Authors “A New Westminster Album: Glimpses of the City as it Was” (2005). E-mail: anewwestminsteralbum@shaw.ca.
Are you an Author, Poet, or Singer Song Writer? Come down and sign up for the OPEN MIC and perform on Oct. 9th, 2011 at 1:00-3:00 p.m. at Renaissance Books. OPEN MIC nights are a great way to demo your poems, books, songs as a songwriter. We offer a laid back atmosphere where you can test out craft. It’s also perfect for when you’re starting out.
JAM WITH OTHERS at Renaissance Books every Tuesday & Thursday around 6:30-9:30 p.m. TAROT CARD READERS Mondays 3:00-6:00 p.m Oct. 3, 17, 24 & 31, 2011 Saturdays Oct. 1 3:30-6:00 p.m. Oct. 15 Noon-3:00 p.m. Oct. 22 3:30-6:00 p.m.
BUY 2 CHAI LATTES FOR THE PRICE OF ONE.
A LARGE COLLECTION OF FINE USED BOOKS, INCLUDING OUT-OF-PRINT & HARD-TO-FIND BOOKS AND NEW BOOKS BY LOCAL AUTHORS.
Check out Renaissance Books website www.renaissancebookstore.com
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
October 2011
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WHAT JOB ADS REALLY MEAN Competitive Salary: We remain competitive by paying you less than our competition. Join our fast-paced company: We have no
Turkey Q&A Q: How do you keep a turkey in suspense?
ELECT CALVIN
A: I’ll let you know
DONNELLY
next week.
calvindonnellyelection@shaw.ca
enough to expect that you will dress up; a
Q: Which side of the
couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
turkey has the most
“Help me put balance back on City Council.”
time to train you. Casual Work Atmosphere: We don’t pay
Some overtime required: Some every night and some every weekend.
feathers? A: The outside.
Duties Will Vary: Anyone in the office can boss you around. Must Have an Eye for Detail: We have no quality assurance. Career-minded: Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way). Apply in Person: If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told that the position has been filled. Seeking Candidates with a Wide Variety of Experience: You’ll need it to replace the three people who just quit. Problem-solving Skills a Must: You’re walking into perpetual chaos. Good Communication Skills: Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it. Requires Team Leadership Skills: You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
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COUNCILLOR
- Calvin
26
October 2011
Peter Julian, MP Burnaby – New Westminster Serving Our Community
Need help with federal issues such as E.I., Income Tax, Canada Pension and Canada Student Loan? Please contact Peter Julian’s Community office for assistance. Peter Julian’s Community Office: 7615 Sixth Street, Burnaby, BC V3N 3M6
Phone: 604-775-5707 l Email: peter.julian.c1@parl.gc.ca l www.PeterJulian.ca
M V F G V M F Y A D N O M G C
F P O P F I L T Q F W M U O M
S C R M Z F R I A U W T B K L
H D T P F D E M M Y H G T T W
T S U Y V T I W B A C H T H Y
F S N E V L C S N Z W Y Q A R
P Q E D Y G D K P G S W D N E
K U S W H J S P F J K I P K B
M F M P Z G Y S S T L Y G S O
R L H P I Z L V Y O N U F F T
J S O V K K Z U H E W E K N C
H H I R O I J G S F K G V P O
V N X X D R N I Z Z G R Z V Q
G M N Y Y X T S D D N P U N H
T H E H A R V E S T M O B T Z
WORD SEARCH FAMILY FORTUNES HARVEST HOLIDAY LORD MONDAY OCTOBER PUMPKINS THANKS THANKSGIVING THE TURKEYS
Fin Donnelly, MP
New Westminster – Coquitlam & Port Moody Serving Our Community
Need help with federal issues such as E.I., Income Tax, Canada Pension and Canada Student Loan? Please contact Fin Donnelly’s Community office for assistance. Fin Donnelly’s Community Office: 1116 Austin Avenue, Coquitlam, BC, V3K 3P5
Phone: 604-664-9229 l Email: fin.donnelly@parl.gc.ca l www.FinDonnelly.ca
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
October 2011
27
IN FOR IT I think we’re in for a bad spell of wether.
THREE’S COMPANY Q: If two is company and three is a crowd, what are four and five? A: Nine!
YOU CAN BET ON IT One fine afternoon an elderly gentleman tries to get into his local betting office. Much to his surprise, the door is locked. After a few more futile attempts at opening the door a man sticks his head out of a window. It turns out to be the bookmaker himself ”Sorry, but we’re closed today!” The elderly gentleman promptly replies “But there’s a sign on the door saying Open 9 to 4, and it’s only half past eleven?” to which the bookmaker says “But those are not the opening hours they are the odds that we’re open today.”
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October 2011
Sargent’s City Scene 40th Annual Royal City Builders Awards The New Westminster Chamber of Commerce and the City of New Westminster are pleased to announce the 40th Annual Royal City Builders Awards. These awards recognize outstanding achievement in modern development, heritage preservation, accessibility improvements and sustainability. The modern development awards acknowledge architects, designers and builders of high quality residential, commercial, and institutional development in the City. The Heritage awards recognize efforts to preserve New Westminster’s heritage through restoration and renovation of existing homes as well as new construction. Since 2002, the Royal City Builders Awards has also included a Universal Access category. This award recognizes businesses and institutions that have contributed uniquely and significantly to improve access for all New Westminster residents and visitors. The Sustainability Award acknowledges cleaner and healthier communities by recognizing developments that incorporate various sustainable features and initiatives in to their projects. All awards will be presented at the Royal DONNELLY City Builders Awards COUNCILLOR calvindonnellyelection@shaw.ca Gala Dinner, to be “Help me held on Wednesday, put balance October 5, 2011 at back on City 5:45 p.m. at the Inn Council.” - Calvin at the Quay. Tickets
ELECT CALVIN
are available from the New Westminster Chamber of Commerce. This year’s guest speaker is Donald Luxton of Donald Luxton and Associates. For more information on the awards, please contact the New Westminster Chamber of Commerce at 604-521-7781 or the City of New Westminster Development Services Department, Planning at 604-515-3767.
Ceremony Marks Start of Civic Centre Construction City officials, project partners and stakeholders were on hand last month in Hyack Square at a ceremony to mark the start of construction of New Westminster’s new multi-use civic facility. The $35 million project located in the City’s historic downtown is being funded through a Development Compensation Agreement (DAC) between the City, the Province of British Columbia, BC Lottery Corporation and Gateway Casinos. “This new facility will spur economic development in New Westminster’s downtown while providing a range of amenities to local citizens and visitors alike,” said Honourable Ida Chong, Minister of Community, Sport and Cultural Development. “Our government is pleased to play a part in the development of this great project for the Royal City.” Scheduled for completion by December 2013, the new civic facility will be four storeys in height and feature 84,000 square feet of interior space. When complete, the building will house conference and meeting facilities, a flexible 350-seat non-proscenium theatre, multi-purpose rooms and art studios, a civic art gallery and
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
October 2011
29
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gift shop, the City’s museum and archives, the Canadian Lacrosse Hall of Fame and a restaurant. To maximize the use of DAC funds and leverage the project for increased economic, environmental and social community benefits the City has partnered with Uptown Property Group, a private developer that will construct an office tower connected to the new facility that will bring LEED Gold, Class A office space to the downtown, generating 400-500 jobs in the area and realizing project economies of scale on infrastructure, site costs and common facilities in the process. “We’re very proud of this project and the role it will play in the revitalization of our historic downtown business district,” said Mayor Wayne Wright. “It’s projects and partnerships like this that provide the new amenities our citizens deserve while generating the economic development we need for the future.”
ELECT CALVIN DONNELLY COUNCILLOR
calvindonnellyelection@shaw.ca
“Help me put balance back on City Council.”
- Calvin
Wishmaker Walk Needs Volunteers Children’s Wish is seeking a group of dedicated volunteers to assist in the planning and execution of the Wishmaker Walk for Wishes in New
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30
October 2011 Continued from previous page…
FREE SERVICE FOR JOB-SEEKERS FINDING INDUSTRIAL WORK IN THE GREATER VANCOUVER AREA JUST GOT EASIER Put yourself in front of companies who need staff NOW! Avoid wasting time pursuing those that are not hiring. Many companies are not advertising their own job vacancies — they use staffing companies to advertise, recruit and screen candidates. A staffing service, like ABL Employment Inc can help you streamline your work search, and put you in front of companies that you would otherwise never know are hiring. AND FOR JOBSEEKERS IT’S FREE! Everyone is eligible, including:
• New Graduates and New Canadians • Moms and Dads re-entering the workforce • Full-time or part-time hours
IF YOU OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW IS LOOKING FOR A JOB… Please visit www.ablemployment.com to apply for an interview. If you have staffing needs that ABL Employment could assist you with, please call Brittany at 604-684-2259.
Come work with us!
Westminster. Alexandra Eady, Chapter Event Coordinator, will take the lead in organizing the Wishmaker Walk, but would love the input and support of community members who are keen to get involved in their local community (let’s showcase your great city!) while supporting this great cause. Together, we will make this the best Wishmaker Walk yet! If you are interested in learning more about this great opportunity, please contact Alexandra Eady at 604-299-2241 or alex.eady@ childrenswish.ca. City Scene End FLYING If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
WHALE ON THE ROAD Q: Why did the whale cross the road? A: To get to the other tide.
SAD LOOKING DUCKS Q: Why do ducks look so sad? A: Because when they preen their feathers they get down in the mouth.
THE KIDS Q: Why did Mrs. Grape leave Mr. Grape? A: Because she was tired of raisin’ kids.
CLICK Q: What is yellow and goes click-click? A: A ball-point banana.
JUMPERS
ELECT CALVIN DONNELLY COUNCILLOR
Q: What is red and
calvindonnellyelection@shaw.ca
green and jumps out
“Help me put balance back on City Council.”
of airplanes? A: A parrottrooper.
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
- Calvin
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October 2011
RCL #2 Welcomes You to Enjoy… THURSDAYS MEAT DRAWS BINGO 6-8PM KAROKEE WITH KAL 8PM-CLOSE FRI/SAT OCT 14-15 LIVE ENTERTAINMENT FRIDAYS LONE STRANGERS MEAT DRAWS 5PM, 6PM & 6:45PM SATURDAY, OCT 29 SATURDAYS ROCKROOM KARAOKEE MEAT DRAWS HALLOWEEN 4:30PM, 5:30PM & COSTUME PARTY 6:30PM with PRIZES! PRIZES! ROCKROOM 7PM-CLOSE
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