DECEMBER 2011
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YOUR COMMUNITY HUMOUR MAGAZINE
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ISSUE 135
Edna Sargent at 94 — Lifetime in the Royal City. See City Scene inside.
Photo by Gabor Gasztonyi
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December 2011
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From my family to your family, best wishes for a Happy Holiday season!
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December 2011 Q: What’s a good holiday tip? A: Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter. THE TWINS A family had twin boys whose only
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resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on the twins’ birthday their father loaded the pessimist’s room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist’s room he loaded with horse manure. That night the father passed by the pessimist’s room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly. “Why are you crying” the father asked. “Because my friends will be jealous, I’ll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I’ll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken” answered the pessimist twin. Passing the optimist twin’s room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. “What are you so happy about” he asked. To which his optimist twin replied, “There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere!”
THE WIFE’S GIFT After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. “How about some perfume” he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50. “That’s a bit much,” said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.
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December 2011
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COUNCILLOR
Thank You for the Support New Westminster!
Merry Christmas & Happy New Year!
778-773-0546 “That’s still quite a bit,” Tom groused.
Follow me on Twitter!
@BettyM13
bmcintosh@newwestcity.ca www.bettymcintosh.ca
newwestminsterfrasers.blogspot.com
Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.
Now available for sale at Renaissance Books and the New Westminster Museum
Tom grew agitated, “What I mean,” he said, “is I’d like to see something real cheap.” So the clerk handed him a mirror.
EARLY CHRISTMAS SHOPPING It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, “What are you charged with?” “Doing my Christmas shopping early”, replied the defendant. “That’s no offense”, said the judge. “How
Thank you to the citizens of New Westminster for showing great support for me. Thank you to all my volunteers and supporters.
early were you doing this shopping?” “Before the store opened.”
JOIN THE LORD’S ARMY Chris was in front of me coming out of church one day, and Dave, the Salvation Army Officer was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. Dave grabbed Chris by the hand and pulled him aside. Dave said to him, “You need to join the Army of the Lord!”
Have a Safe, Healthy &
Happy Holiday Season!
Chris replied, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord.” Dave questioned, “How come I don’t see you except at Christmas and Easter?” He whispered back, “I’m in the secret service.”
Councillor BILL HARPER
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December 2011 WHAT IS A STABLE? Every Christmas morning, when my kids were little, I read them the nativity story out of the big family bible. When my son was old enough to talk, he asked me what a stable was. I thought for a moment how to explain it to him in terms he could understand, then told him, “It’s something like your sister’s room, but without a stereo.”
SANTA AND A DETECTIVE What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective? Santa Clues!
SANTA AND A SAUCEPAN Father Christmas win a saucepan in a competition. Now thats what you call pot luck!
HE’S A GOOD GUY What do the reindeer sing to Father Christmas on his birthday? Freeze a jolly good fellow!
CLAP FOR THE FAT MAN What do you call a man who claps at Christmas? Santapplause!
Chris Sargent, Owner & Publisher Email: publisher@piffle.ca
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CHRISTMAS CAT ON THE BEACH Why is a cat on a beach like Christmas? Because they both have “Sandy claws”!
SANTA’S BREAK TIME What’s Father Christmas called when he takes a rest while delivering presents? Santa pause!
“WINTER WONDERLAND” FOR WEB ADDICTS Doorbell rings, I’m not list’nin’, From my mouth, drool is glist’nin’, I’m happy… although
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My boss let me go… Happily addicted to the Web. All night long, I sit clicking, Unaware time is ticking, There’s beard on my cheek, Same clothes for a week, Happily addicted to the Web! Friends come by; they shake me, Saying, “Yo, man! Don’t you know tonight’s the senior prom?” With a listless shrug, I mutter “No, man; I just discovered laugh-a-lot-dot-com!”
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MUSICAL CHRISTMAS ADVISE Make out your Chopin Liszt early before Debussy season, when you have time to check out Verdi good bargains are, can still get gifts Faure good price, not have to Handel large crowds and have time to give Bach things you decide you don’t want. Q: What do elves learn in school? A: The Elf-abet!
aff & t S s a m t is r h C s! e is u r C y il m Fa
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December 2011
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December 2011
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Seasons Greeting to all from the Staff & Management. Thanks for Supporting Imperial Pharmacy over the years.
Have a Happy & Healthy Holiday!
CIBC CHRISTMAS PARADE OF LIGHTS
Saturday, December 3rd, 4:00 p.m. in Downtown New Westminster. The 25th Annual Christmas Parade begins at Columbia and 4th Street and proceeds west on Columbia to 8th Street. The annual Christmas tree lighting ceremony will occur at Hyack Square following the parade at 5:00 p.m. A will be lit during the ceremony. Photo opportunities with Santa and Mrs. Claus will be available at Hyack Square following the parade. Children are encouraged to bring their letters to Santa and hand them to the Canada Post elves along the parade route. Santa’s address is North Pole, H0H 0H0. Don’t forget to include your return address as Santa always likes to write back. Musical entertainment will be provided by the Christmas Revelers. Donations of food or cash in support of needy families at Christmas will be accepted at Hyack Square in support of the Greater Vancouver Food Bank.
A VERY VICTORIAN CHRISTMAS
302 Royal Ave, New Westminster Saturday, December 3rd–31st, 2011 This Christmas Season visit 1865 Irving House, and discover the holly and ivy traditions of a Victorian Christmas. Christmas cheers and live yuletide performers that range from Barbershop Quartets to Youth Choirs to Woodwind and Brass. Entry is by donation.
NEW YEAR’S CIRCUS
HOURS OF OPERATION MONDAY TO THURSDAY 9AM – 7PM FRIDAY 9AM – 6PM SATURDAY 9AM – 4PM SUNDAY 9AM – 3PM
The Vancouver Circus School, in partnership with Inner Ring Circus, is pleased to present the theatrical premiere of Kuru Kuru Pa! on December 31st in New Westminster. Hosted at the newly-renovated Columbia Theatre, this New Year’s Eve gala presentation will entertain the young and young at heart! Kuru Kuru Pa!, a new show conceptualized and directed by circus professional Brandon Miyazaki. The Ring Master and his multitalented troupe of performers will entice their audience into this mad world of aerials, acrobatics, and brainteasing visuals. All are invited to explore this eccentric circus and to join in its pursuit of a new beginning, a new year! For more information, give us a call at 604-544-5024.
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December 2011
CHRISTMAS SHARKS Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
19. WTFA… Wet the Furniture Again 20. WTP… Where’s the Prunes 21. WWNO… Walker Wheels Need Oil
Santa Jaws!
22. GGLKI… Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!
THE JOLLY GARDENER Why does Father Christmas like to work in the garden?
NOT FEELING WELL A man shows up for his doctor’s appointment with a piece of celery in each
Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe!
ear and a carrot in each of his nostrils. He says to the doctor, “Doc, I’m not feeling
WATER
well.” Whereupon the doctor replied,” Perhaps
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical
you’re not eating right.”
formula for water? DONALD: H I J K L M N O. TEACHER: What are you talking about? DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.
GIVE HIM A SIGN A guy tells his psychiatrist, “I always have this weird dream at night. I am locked in a room with a door on which there is a sign. I
SENIOR CODES
try to push it with all my strength, but no
Submitted by Judy Bishop
matter how hard I try, it won’t budge.”
Since all the “kids” have their little codes… like BFF, WTF, LOL, etc. here are some codes for seniors: 1.
The psychiatrist muses, “Interesting. But tell me what does the sign on the door say?” The guy replies, “It says ‘Pull’”!!
ATD… At the Doctor’s
2. BFF… Best Friends Funeral 3. BTW… Bring the Wheelchair 4. BYOT… Bring Your Own Teeth 5. CBM… Covered by Medicare 6. CUATSC… See You at the Senior Center 7. FWIW… Forgot Where I Was 8. FYI… Found Your Insulin 9. GGPBL… Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GENEROSITY A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor. “I feel really good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a twenty dollar bill to a bum.” “You gave a bum twenty whole dollars? That’s a lot of money to just give away. What did your husband say about it?”
10. GHA… Got Heartburn Again 11. HGBM… Had Good Bowel Movement
“Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to do. He said, ‘Thanks.’”
12. IMHO… Is My Hearing-Aid On? 13. LMDO… Laughing My Dentures Out 14. LOL… Living on Lipitor
Scientific Fact Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh
15. LWO… Lawrence Welk’s On
uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr
16. OMSG… Oh My! Sorry, Gas
the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt
17. ROFL + CGU… Rolling on the Floor
tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer is at the
Laughing… Can’t get Up 18. WAITT… Who Am I Talking To?
rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is
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December 2011
11
bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.
I was a fool, nobody can take your place. I love you.
Preosllnay I tinhk its cmolpete nenosnese…
All my love, Belinda xxOO
THE MUSICAL DIRECTOR A musical director was having a lot of
P.S. Congratulations on winning this week’s lottery.
trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn’t improve. Finally, before the whole orchestra, he
SIMPLY IRRESISTIBLE A man was walking on the beach one day and he found a bottle half buried in the sand.
said, “When a musician just can’t handle his
He decided to open it. Inside was a genie. The
instrument and doesn’t improve when given
genie said,” I will grant you three wishes and
help, they take away the instrument, and give
three wishes only.” The man thought about
him two sticks, and make him a drummer.”
his first wish and decided, “I think I want 1
A stage whisper was heard from the
million dollars transferred to a Swiss bank
percussion section: “And if he can’t handle
account. POOF! Next he wished for a Ferrari
even that, they take away one of his sticks
red in color. POOF! There was the car sitting
and make him a conductor.”
in front of him. He asked for his final wish, “ I wish I was irresistible to women.” POOF! He
THE CELEBRATION
turned into a box of chocolates.
Two drunks were in a bar partying like fools. They were drinking boiler makers, buying
Q: Why was Santa’s little helper depressed?
rounds like there was no tomorrow. They were
A: Because he had low elf esteem.
dancing, calling each other “professor,” and generally causing quite a stir. When asked
Q: Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
why such a celebration, they boasted that
A: So he can ho-ho-ho.
they just finished a jigsaw puzzle & it only took them 2 months! “TWO MONTHS” cried
Q: Where do polar bears vote?
the bartender. “That’s ridiculous. It shouldn’t
A: The North Poll.
take that long!!” “Oh yeah” says one drunk. “The box said 2-4 YEARS!” Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? A: Frostbite.
DEAR JOHN I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement. Won’t you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart.
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December 2011 Feel comfortable and confident about your financial future with professional advice. Studies* show that clients of financial advisors tend to start saving earlier and have higher net worth. With The Plan by Investors Group™, I can help you save tax and better weather unpredictable markets. Contact me for your copy of “The Value of The Plan” and get started today. Bruce McAndless-Davis B.A. M.Div.
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E-MAIL VIRUS I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It Appears to affect those who were born prior to 1955. Symptoms: 1.
Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. Done that!
2.
Causes you to send a blank e-mail! That too!
3.
Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person… yep!
4.
Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. Aha!
5.
Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. Oh Bugger!!
6. Causes you to hit “SEND” before you’ve finished. Oh, no not again! 7.
Music lessons for all ages, all instruments, theory and RCM exam prep.
Causes you to hit “DELETE” instead of “SEND..” And I just hate that!
8.
Causes you to hit “SEND” when you should “DELETE.” Oh No!
IT IS CALLED THE “C-NILE VIRUS.”
Call
604-525-5757
2 locations to serve you!
209 East Columbia St, New Westminster 7884 Oak St, Vancouver pilwonsuk@yahoo.ca
I’VE LEARNED Submitted by Connie Jeffrey
Written by Andy Rooney, a man who has the gift of saying so much with so few words.
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
December 2011
13
9. I’ve learned… That the best classroom
17. I’ve learned… That sometimes all a person
in the world is at the feet of an elderly
needs is a hand to hold and a heart to
person.
understand.
10. I’ve learned… That when you’re in love, it shows.
18. I’ve learned… That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights
11. I’ve learned… That just one person saying to me, ‘You’ve made my day!’ makes my
when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.
day.
19. I’ve learned… That life is like a roll of
12. I’ve learned… That having a child fall
toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end,
asleep in your arms is one of the most
the faster it goes.
peaceful feelings in the world.
20. I’ve learned… That we should be glad God
13. I’ve learned… That being kind is more
doesn’t give us everything we ask for.
important than being right.
21. I’ve learned… That money doesn’t buy
14. I’ve learned… That you should never say
class.
no to a gift from a child.
22. I’ve learned… That it’s those small daily
15. I’ve learned… That I can always pray for
happenings that make life so spectacular.
someone when I don’t have the strength
23. I’ve learned… That under everyone’s
to help him in some other way.
hard shell is someone who wants to be
16. I’ve learned… That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.
appreciated and loved. 24. I’ve learned… That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.
WATKINS will be in the ROYAL CITY CENTRE NOV 28 – DEC 4, 2011 (regular mall hours) CHRISTM AS SHOPPING?
NEED NATURAL INGREDIENTS? ACHES AND PAINS? Your Watkins Sales Associate at NORMA AMES Independent Associate # 370439 604-522-1737 mywatkins@one redclover.com
DRY HANDS? Let Watkins help.
www.oneredclover.com
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December 2011 THE BUTCHER DANCE A guy has spent five years traveling all around the world making a documentary on Native dances. At the end of this time,
Who was Jesus’ grandfather on Joseph’s side of the family?
he has every single native dance of every indigenous culture in the world on film. He winds up in Australia, in Alice Springs, so he pops into a pub for a well earned beer. He gets talking to one of the local Aborigines and tells him about his project. The Aborigine asks the guy what he thought of the “Butcher Dance.” The guy’s a bit confused and says, “Butcher Dance? What’s that?” “What? You no see Butcher Dance?” “No, I’ve never heard of it.” “Oh mate. You crazy. How you say you film every native dance if you no see Butcher Dance?” “Umm. I got a corroborree on film just the other week. Is that what you mean?” “No no, not corroborree. Butcher Dance
Piffle’s MATH MADNESS
much more important than corroborree.” “Oh, well how can I see this Butcher Dance then?” “Mate, Butcher Dance right out bush. Many days travel to go see Butcher Dance.” “Look, I’ve been everywhere from the forests of the Amazon, to deepest darkest Africa, to the frozen wastes of the Arctic filming these dances. Nothing will prevent me from recording this one last dance.” “OK, mate. You drive north along highway towards Darwin. After you drive 197 miles, you see dirt track veer off to left. Follow dirt track for 126 miles ‘til you see big huge dead gum tree… biggest tree you ever see. Here you gotta leave the car, because much too rough for driving.
Try to fill in the missing numbers. Use the numbers 1 through 9 to complete the equations. Each number is only used once. Each row is a math equation. Each column is a math equation. Remember that multiplication and division are performed before addition and subtraction. Solution on page 22.
You strike out due west into setting sun. You walk 3 days ‘til you hit creek. You follow this creek to Northwest. After 2 days you
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
December 2011
15
find where creek flows out of rocky mountains.
themselves and head out on the last leg of
Much too difficult to cross mountains here
their journey.
though. You now head south for half day ‘til you see pass through mountains. Pass very difficult and very dangerous. Take 2, maybe 3 days to get through rocky pass.
Two days later they virtually stagger into the village where the natives feed them and give them fresh water. They begin to feel like new men.
When through, head northwest for 4 days ‘til
Once he’s recovered enough, the guy goes
reach big huge rock… 20 ft high and shaped
before the village chief and tells him that he
like man’s head. From rock, walk due west
has come to film their Butcher Dance.
for 2 days and you find village. Here you see Butcher Dance.”
“Oh mate. Very bad you come today. Butcher Dance last night. You too late. You
So the guy grabs his camera crew and
miss dance.”
equipment and heads out. After a couple of
“Well, when do you hold the next dance?”
hours he finds the dirt track. The track is
“Not ‘til next year.”
in a shocking state and he’s forced to crawl
“Well, I’ve come all this way. Couldn’t you
along at a snails pace and so he doesn’t reach the tree until dusk and he’s forced to set up camp for the night.
just hold an extra dance for me, tonight?” “No, no, no! Butcher Dance very holy. Only hold once a year. If hold more, gods get very
He sets out bright and early the following morning. His spirits are high and he’s excited
angry and destroy village! You want see Butcher Dance you come back next year.”
about the prospect of capturing on film this
continued on next page
mysterious dance which he had never heard mention of before. True to the directions he has been given, he reaches the creek after three days and follows it for another two until they reach the rocky mountains. The merciless sun is starting to take its toll by this time and his spirits are starting to flag, but wearily he trudges on until he finds the pass through the hills… nothing will prevent him from completing his life’s dream. The mountains prove to be every bit as treacherous as their guide said and at times they almost despair of getting their bulky equipment through. But after three and a half days of back breaking effort they finally force their way clear and continue their long trek. When they reach the huge rock, four days later, their water is running low and their feet are covered with blisters. Yet they steel
Another fine “time distraction” brought to you by your local Piffle Magazine.
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16
December 2011 several days, during which they are forced to cling forlornly to the mountainside until it subsides. It would be suicide to attempt to scale the treacherous paths in the face of such savage elements. Then, before they have traveled a mile out from the mountains, one of the crew sprains his ankle badly which slows down the rest of their journey enormously, to the rock and then the village. Eventually, having lost all sense of how long
The guy is devastated, but he has no other option but to head back to civilization and
they have been traveling, they stagger into the village at about 12:00 noon.
back home.
“The Butcher Dance!” gasps the guy.
The following year, he heads back to
“Please don’t tell me I’m too late!”
Australia and, determined not to miss out
The chief recognizes him and says “No,
again, sets out a week earlier than last
white fella. Butcher Dance performed tonight.
time. He is quite willing to spend a week in
You come just in time.”
the village before the dance is performed
Relieved beyond measure, the crew spends
in order to ensure he is present to witness
the rest of the afternoon setting up their
it. However, right from the start things go
equipment… preparing to capture the night’s
wrong.
ritual on film as dusk falls, the natives start
Heavy rains that year have turned the dirt
to cover there bodies in white paint and
track to mud and the car gets bogged every
adorn themselves in all manner of bird’s
few miles, finally forcing them to abandon their
feathers and animal skins.
vehicles and slog through the mud on foot
Once darkness has settled fully over the
almost half the distance to the tree.
land, the natives form a circle around a huge
They reach the creek and the mountains
roaring fire.
without any further hitch, but halfway
A deathly hush descends over performers
through the ascent of the mountain they
and spectators alike as a wizened old figure
are struck by a fierce storm which rages for
with elaborate swirling designs covering his
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December 2011
17
entire body enters the circle and begins to chant. Some sort of witch doctor or medicine man, figures the guy and he whispers to the chief, “What’s he doing?” “Hush,” whispers the chief. “You first white man ever to see most sacred of our rituals. Must remain silent. Holy man, he asks that the spirits of the dream world watch as we demonstrate our devotion to them through our dance and, if they like our dancing, will they be so gracious as to watch over us and protect us for another year.” The chanting of the Holy man reaches a stunning crescendo before he moves himself from the circle. From somewhere the rhythmic pounding of drums booms out across the land and the natives begin to sway to the stirring rhythm. The guy is becoming caught up in the fervor of the moment himself. This is it. He now realizes beyond all doubt that his wait has not been in vain. He is about to witness the ultimate performance of rhythm and movement ever conceived by mankind. The chief strides to his position in the circle and, in a big booming voice, starts to sing, “You butch yer right arm in. You butch yer right arm out. You butch yer right arm in and you shake it all about…” Q: What nationality is Santa Claus? A: North Polish. Q: Why does Santa’s sled get such good mileage? A: Because it has long-distance runners on each side. Q: What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus? A: Crisp Cringle.
CHRISTMAS FIRE SAFETY TIPS To ensure a Merry Christmas and fire safe Holiday Season for everyone, New Westminster Fire and Rescue Services suggests the following fire safety guidelines be observed: THE KITCHEN Grease and fat fires are a leading cause of home fires in Canada, so be extra careful when doing this kind of cooking. Here’s what to do if grease in a pot or pan catches fire: • Smother the flames by covering the pan with a lid. • Turn off the heat immediately. • Use baking soda (flour can be explosive) on shallow grease fires. • Never turn on the overhead fan, as this could spread the fire. • Never throw water on a grease fire. THE CHRISTMAS TREE Get a freshly cut tree. It will stay green longer and be less of a fire hazard. Try to pick a tree with a strong green colour and noticeable fragrance. Keep the tree container filled with water. Use a tree stand that has widespread legs for better balance. Never use lit candles on the tree. Remove the tree within 10 to 14 days. After that amount of time in a heated building, even the freshest tree can start to dry out. LIGHTS Use Canadian Standards Association (CSA) certified light strings/sets. Use the proper lights for the environment. Indoor light strings/sets should not be used outdoors because they lack weatherproof connections. Some outdoor light strings/sets burn too hot indoors. Inspect light strings/set before use. Turn off all lights before you go to bed. CANDLES • Place candles away from absolutely anything that could catch fire. • Never leave burning candles unattended. • Burn them only when a responsible adult is overseeing the flame. • Put candles in sturdy holders on a stable surface, well away from drafts, curtains, children and pets. • Snuff them out before leaving the room or going to sleep. ELECTRICAL OUTLETS There is often a tendency to overload wall outlets during the holiday season. This is an unsafe practice and should be avoided. Inspect all cords before using. Make sure they are CSA certified. Look for loose connections or frayed or exposed wire. Discard any defective cords. Read the labels and manufacturer’s instructions to ensure proper use. To avoid possible overheating, do not coil or bunch an extension cord which is in use and do not run it under carpets or rugs. Your New Westminster Fire & Rescue Services cares about you & your safety! If you require further information, please visit our website at: www.newwestcity.ca or call the Fire Prevention Division at 604-519-1004
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18
December 2011
Q: What do you do if Santa gets stuck in your chimney?
A GOOD TOSS A little boy knocks at the door and tells the owner that something of his had found its way
A: Pour Santa flush on him.
into her garage, and he wanted it back. The Q: What do you call people who are afraid of
homeowner opened the garage and noticed
Santa Claus?
two additions; a baseball and broken window
A: Claustrophobic.
sporting a baseball-sized hole. “How do you suppose this ball got in here?”
WHITE HAIRS
she asked the child. Taking one look at the ball,
One day a little girl was sitting and
one look at the window, and one look at the
watching her mother do the dishes at the
homeowner, the little boy exclaimed, “Wow lady!
kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her
I must have thrown it right through that hole!”
mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?” Her mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or
Q: How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer “Olive”? A: Yeah, you know, “Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names.”
unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.” The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, “Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?”
THE COUGH Nurse: Good morning Mr. Smith, you seem to be coughing much more easily this morning. Mr. Smith: That’s because I’ve been
Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the
practicing all night.
office? A: You do all the work and the fat guy
Q: Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-
with the suit gets all the credit.
Nosed Reindeer? A: Because every buck is dear to him.
Q: What was so good about he neurotic doll
Best Caddy Comment #4
the girl was given for Christmas?
Golfer: “How do you like my game?”
A: It was wound up already.
THE VISITOR By Glenn Jones
#26-8720 Forest Grove Drive, Burnaby BC V5A 4C9 | 604-433-3986 | E-mail: glenn-jones@shaw.ca
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
December 2011
19
Caddy: “Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf.”
MOOSE HUNTERS Two Newfie Hunters got a pilot to fly them to Ontario to hunt moose. They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose. The two lads objected strongly. ‘Last year we got six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours.’ Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even on full power, the little plane couldn’t handle the load and went down. Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, David and Roy survived the crash. After climbing out of the wreckage, David asked Roy “Any idea where we are?” Roy replied, “I think we’re pretty close to where we crashed last year.”
studio portraits • event photography • photo restoration • commercial • custom picture framing Submit your joke at piffle.ca
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December 2011 MORE OF WHAT I’VE LEARNED! Submitted by Connie Jeffrey
Written by Andy Rooney, a man who has the gift of saying so much with so few words. 1.
I’ve learned… That love, not time, heals all wounds.
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2.
I’ve learned… That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.
3.
I’ve learned… That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.
4.
I’ve learned… That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.
5.
I’ve learned… That life is tough, but I’m tougher.
6. I’ve learned… That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss. 7.
I’ve learned… That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.
Turkey and Ham, Rolls, Raffles, Games and Prizes Galore! UPCOMING EVENTS MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL every Monday until the end of the season we will be open 3:30pm until closing, football pools (details will be posted), meat draws, 60/40 draw, Membership draw, a free drink on Mondays for FOOTBALL CLUB MEMBERS (FBC) ($50.00 FBC membership fee) THURSDAY NIGHT POKER TOURNAMENTS 6:30pm, no cost! Come join the fun! Open BOXING DAY 1pm. Meat Draws, 60/40 & Membership Draws — Karaoke by Cal Connelly Know your limit, play within it.
Open NEW YEAR’S DAY 1pm. Meat Draws, 60/60 & Membership Draws — Karaoke by Cal Connelly
60/40, MEMBERSHIP & MEAT DRAWS every Thursday, Friday, Saturday & Sunday
604-524-6524 | Entrance at 680 Clarkson St
The Elks Club of New Westminster is celebrating CHRISTMAS CHEER, their largest Charity Event of the year benefiting local families and others in need at Christmas time. Those of you joining in the fun of a casino like atmosphere will be helping give a little ‘Christmas Cheer’ to those in the area who cannot give their families all that they would hope to. All proceeds of this event will go to local recipients so come out and join the fun.
PLACE: Elks Club, New Westminster
(enter club at 680 Clarkson Street)
TIME: 6pm – 11pm PHONE: 604-524-6524 ED’S KITCHEN HOURS
(SOUP & SANDWICH OR BURGERS ONLY)
SUNDAYS...............................CLOSED CLOSED THURSDAY............. OPEN @ 3:30PM MONDAYS ............... OPEN @ 3:30PM FRIDAYS................. OPEN @ 3:30PM TUESDAYS ............................CLOSED CLOSED WEDNESDAY.......1PM 1PM TILL 5:30PM SATURDAYS........... OPEN @ 3:30PM
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
December 2011 I’ve learned… That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she passed away. 9.
I’ve learned… That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.
10. I’ve learned… That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks. 11.
I’ve learned… That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you’re hooked for life.
12. I’ve learned… That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness, and growth occurs while you’re climbing it. 13. I’ve learned… That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done. Q: What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus? A: We’ll have a boo Christmas without you.
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Q: What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve? A: Okay everyone, sack time!! Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast? A: Snowflakes. Q: If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called? A: A subordinate claus.
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Major St
Ward St
Join us for Breakfast, Lunch, or Dinner and enjoy $2.50 of your bill with a minimum purchase of $20 before tax. One coupon per table, per visit.
E COLUMBIA ST
8.
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December 2011 HANDKERCHIEF Cold Storage.
LIZA’S
ROYAL FLUSH As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport, President Obama strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen. They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage
HOROSCOPES December 2011
For an In-depth Personal Reading, go to www.lizakolbuck.com
Happy Holidays!
ARIES: Authority figures see you in a good light during this time. If your thinking about that raise, now is the time to ask for it. Favorable aspects in that area. TAURUS: If travel is in your plans, all should go well. Higher education benefits you during this time. However travel always brings fantastic learning experiences. GEMINI: Any love relationship started during this time will have intensifying effects. Think deep and hard before setting the stage for love.
CANCER: Business and marital relationships go smoothly during this time. Expressing your affections comes easily in December.
LEO: Authority figures and coworkers see you in a good light. This is a good time to start that health regime you have been thinking about.
VIRGO: Friends and social gatherings are the name of the game this month. Much entertaining taking place. Love is on the rise. LIBRA: If thinking of doing those home renovations now is a good time. You want to make your home a more cozy place to be. Insight comes through your dreams. SCORPIO: All communications take on a lighter note during this time. Friends and neighbors lend a helping hand. You realize just how much love you have in your life. SAGITTARIUS: Travel is on your mind during this month. Just remember to keep those credit cards in check. You feel like spending and those you love.
hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well. Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident. The Queen turns to President Obama, “Mr. President, please accept my regrets… I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control.” Obama, always trying to be ‘Presidential’ replied: “Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought… Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses.”
Piffle’s MATH MADNESS
CAPRICORN: Your looking good this month dear Capricorn and others are attracted to your good nature. Just be sure not to let others take advantage. Love is in the stars. AQUARIUS: Dreams and insights are the theme for this month. Write down some of those dreams as they may come to fruition in the near future.
PISCES: Many social activities take up your time in December. This is a good time to make that wish as it just may come true in the New Year.
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
Solution from page 14
December 2011
23
Haunted Hall of Fame
by Katherine Freund-Hainsworth Because of an oversight on the part of editor Chris Sargent, part of last month’s story was missing. Here is the complete version. My apologies are extended to the authors.
A
s an historian I am open to the possibility that museums are haunted, especially now that I have a job working in the museum at the Canadian Lacrosse Hall of Fame (CLHoF) in New West. This haunting at the CLHoF, starts with Matthew Smellie from the Hamilton Tiger Cats Football Club on behalf of the Hamilton Sports Hall of Fame (HSHoF), who contacted me on the day of the second game of the Mann Cup Senior “A” National Lacrosse Games in Langley this past September. He wrote saying he was looking for anything on CLHoF charter member Billy Isaacs, who the HSHoF is inducting this year. He said Billy Isaacs played lacrosse for the Toronto Marlboros, Hamilton Tigers, Burlington Beavers, Mimico-Brampton Combines, and St. Catharines, but could not find much of anything else. I replied that I would look in our archival records upon my return to the Hall. Interestingly, on the same day Matthew contacted me, I was also notified by the community centre’s receptionist Jan that a photograph had fallen onto the museum floor. When I enter the Hall six days later I found the picture. I took a close look and found it was a Mann Cup 1942 winning team photo of the Mimico-Brampton Combines! What are the odds! The Mann Cup was just won by Brampton just a day ago, and Billy Isaacs played for the Mimico-Brampton Combines! Then I realized: this was also during the time Billy Isaacs played lacrosse, but he wasn’t in the photo. My imagination started running wild. I began to feel that maybe Billy tossed the photo on the floor because he had something important to say to me. I don’t know why but I had the feeling that it was important that he was not in this photo. I was standing in front of the wall of team photo groupings, gazing up top at where the photo was tossed from, and after coming to the conclusion that the frame’s old failing hardware was probably the reason it fell off the wall, I started to feel disappointed at the possibility that Billy had nothing to do with it. However, I began to wonder if it was a coincidence or not that Brampton won the Mann Cup yesterday. I couldn’t stop thinking though, about the fact that Billy was not in the photo which was tossed on the floor. One thing for sure, if it was him who tossed the picture down, something caused him to make a dramatic move like this to get my attention. My eyes unconsciously cast down the wall from the large gapping empty space above where the photo hung
overtop of other group photos below, and I saw it! There was Billy starring me in the eye from within a 1942 team photo of the Toronto Maple Leafs. The Toronto Maple Leafs!? Puzzled even more, I began to compare this photo with the one that Billy tossed on the floor, and noticed a few of the same names and faces were in both. Just as a side note to the one Billy is in, this photograph’s frame is locked on the wall, and I don’t even think Billy could unlock it to toss this one on the floor. This was getting weirder and weirder, but I was happy again at the prospect that maybe it was Billy trying to say something to me after all.
My eyes unconsciously cast down the wall from the large gapping empty space above where the photo hung overtop of other group photos below, and I saw it! There was Billy starring me in the eye from within a 1942 team photo of the Toronto Maple Leafs. I looked in the archives and of course found in the Charter Member Inductee files and in the Induction members’ book, the original photo of him, and the only written information in there was the short lines that Matthew, already told me he had. I scanned both photos of Billy, with the Toronto Maple Leafs jersey on and his CLHoF induction photo from the file cabinet. I emailed the photos to Matthew. But why did Billy throw the picture on the floor?! I was left feeling haunted. Matthew emailed me back saying I had sent him “Gold!” “Okay” I thought, another happy customer. I also had emailed to Matthew that if I was able to find anything else I would send it along, as I just got some ideas. Then in my opinion, I really found “Gold!” I dug up on the internet about 40 pages from a story with Billy in it by the Hall of Fame’s own Stan Shillington, a Mann Cup programme with Billy in it, to several other websites about Billy. I couldn’t believe it. Now I had a whole pile of information for Matthew, and could leave Billy’s old 1960’s file at the continued on next page Hall stuffed. The only thing left
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24
December 2011
was, did Billy toss the photo down onto the floor, or… did the 1942 Mimico-Brampton Combines? Just as past players did in real life, maybe the Brampton team again combined powers with Billy. Every live lacrosse player I know about as well as the players who are only here now by being locked in history, are all very powerful people, just like the live Brampton winners of this years’ Mann Cup. Maybe the 1942 guys combined their spiritual powers with Billy, and working as a team once again they all tossed the picture down to me. It made me conclude that old lacrosse players are just as powerful up there as they are on earth. In trying to solve the mysteries about Billy, I discovered he was recruited during World War II to play
FEATURED BOOK
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on a number of teams because the lacrosse community was losing players to fighting in the war. Top players that remained floated between teams. Teams that were knocked down in size would “combine” with other depleted teams to make a full one, and they would even sometimes swap uniforms to cover jersey shortages. Billy was born on the Six Nations reserve, and passed away 26 years ago at the age of 72. I have to say, if any of you other-worldly lacrosse players in the museum want to visit me from the spiritual world, I’m here. By Katherine Freund-Hainsworth @October 2011, Archivist at the Canadian Lacrosse Hall of Fame.
Are you an Author, Poet, or Singer Song Writer? Come down and sign up for the OPEN MIC and perform on DECEMBER 11, 2011 starting at 1:30 p.m. at Renaissance Books. OPEN MIC nights are a great way to demo your
poems, books, songs as a songwriter. We offer a laid back atmosphere where you can test out craft. It’s also perfect for when you’re starting out. TAROT CARD READERS Call Renaissance Books for scheduled days.
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Check out Renaissance Books website www.renaissancebookstore.com
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
December 2011
25
CHRISTMAS SERVICE
The Newfoundlander started searching
It was a cold and misty Christmas morning in the very depth of Winter after a heavy fall of snow and only one farmer and the minister
desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised
managed to arrive at the church for the
eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those
morning service. “Well” said the clergyman
symbolize?”
“I guess there’s no point in having a service
The Newfie replied, “These are Carols.”
today.” “Well that’s not how I see it. said the farmer. If only one cow turns up at feeding
Q: What comes at the end of Christmas Day? A: The letter “Y”!
time, I still feed it.” Q: Why is it so cold at Christmas? A: Because it’s in Decembrrrr!
CHRISTMAS JOKE Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. “In honor of this holy season,” Saint Peter said, “You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.” The man from Nova Scotia fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. “It represents a candle,” he said. “You may pass through the pearly gates.” Saint Peter said. The man from Saskatchewan reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.” Saint Peter said “You may pass through the pearly gates.”
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26
December 2011
Peter Julian, MP
Kennedy Stewart, MP
Burnaby – New Westminster
Burnaby – Douglas
Peter Julian and Kennedy Stewart invite you to their CHRISTMAS OPEN HOUSE on FRIDAY, DECEMBER 16 from 4:00–7:00PM NIKKEI CENTRE, 6688 SOUTHOAKS CRESCENT & KINGSWAY. If possible, please bring non-perishable food for the food bank. For more information, call 604-775-5707. We look forward to seeing you there!
Merry Christm as
I L M J D Y O M Z X H E R O D
A D E A U H A B S O J Y R V V
Z F H U N D X H O X E R P H F
Z D E C N Y E Z Q V S A S U T
W S L S U A R A Q J U M L M D
F R H O C Q M J H S S K V H O
C K T R G K N M A B B P R V B
& H a ppy New Y ea r! Z N E E N V J M E W X R F Y F
Y W B R G O T X B Z Y P W W C
Y H A I S S E M M M D V B L T
K P F E I T E H F D Z I B W U
P Z P R E H T O O K C K L K O
T H H L R N R I T B I V Q X W
Z C O Q C F F G K X M G N A M
F R A N K I N C E N S E O E M
WORD SEARCH BETHLEHEM CHRISTMAS EMMANUEL FRANKINCENSE GOLD HEROD JESUS JOSEPH JUDEA MARY MESSIAH MYRRH
Fin Donnelly, MP
New Westminster – Coquitlam & Port Moody Serving Our Community
Need help with federal issues such as E.I., Income Tax, Canada Pension and Canada Student Loan? Please contact Fin Donnelly’s Community office for assistance. Fin Donnelly’s Community Office: 1116 Austin Avenue, Coquitlam, BC, V3K 3P5
Phone: 604-664-9229 l Email: fin.donnelly@parl.gc.ca l www.FinDonnelly.ca
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
December 2011
27
THE SALVATION ARMY
WANTS YOU!
One of the best gifts you can give this Christmas‌ is the gift of your time. The Salvation Army is looking for enthusiastic, responsible individuals to assist with their 2011 Christmas Fundraising activities in New Westminster, Coquitlam, Port Moody and Port Coquitlam. Volunteer as a family-Volunteer with a friend-Volunteer as a staff team-Volunteer as a community group. Give 2 hours, 4 hours, a day, or join up for several shifts throughout the campaign.
The Christmas Kettle Campaign runs November 16th to December 24th, 2011 Call 604-521-2421 for more information. Email: newwest_kettles@shaw.ca
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*Dining Table with 2 Chairs North Vancouver 740, Marine Drive 604.904.3939
Vancouver 3349, West Broadway 604.739.3962
eMail: contact@modernhomefurnishings.ca
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December 2011
Sargent’s City Scene 15-concert tour of BC, Alberta and Manitoba. Winter Harp features harps, flutes, medieval instruments, percussion, poetry and song. Info at www.winterharp.com. Email: Lori Pappajohn: winterharp@telus.net
Happy 94th Birthday Edna Sargent, A Lifelong Royal City Resident
Winter Harp Pure magic and sold out concerts, standing ovations and rave reviews are the hallmarks of Winter Harp which is coming to New Westminster’s Massey Theatre Sunday, December 4. The ensemble will perform with the Vancouver Welsh Men’s Choir in a Christmas concert extraordinaire. The 90-voice choir is a treat to hear, and coupled with harps, even more of a treat. Tickets at 604-878-1190 or 604-521-5050. Winter Harp performs on its own in the beautiful medieval-styled St. Andrew’s Wesley Church in Vancouver Saturday, December 17. You can also hear the ensemble December 14 and 15 at the North Shore Credit Union Theatre at Capilano University. The ensemble is on a
By Major Ellizabeth Raine, Salvation Army Edna Rachel Larsen was born on November 30, 1917 in a home on the corner of 10th Street and 3rd Avenue. Latter, she spent her early years living on 8th Street just down from Royal Avenue. Back then, her mother ran a boarding house next to The Salvation Army Citadel located on 8th Street. Edna’s childhood was spent with her two older brothers, Herbert and Raymond. They all enjoyed activities at The Salvation Army. Salvation Army offices have always played an active role with their congregation it wasn’t uncommon to see the Salvation Army Captain down on the ground playing marbles with her brothers. Edna attended Central School, located in a time in Royal City history on Queens Avenue and Sixth Street.
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
December 2011
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David
Photo by Gabor Gasztonyi
Edna learned to play the piano and guitar became an accomplished pianist. She used her musical skills to play the piano at weddings and funerals and played her guitar in a musical ensemble. Edna met her husband, William James Sargent at the Salvation Army. Edna’s mother kept a close watch over her daughter. One night, while out with her then boyfriend, Bill Sargent, she was to be home at a certain hour. When she was late for her curfew, Edna’s mom went looking for her only to find them out the back of the house chatting. Edna and Bill were married on October 21, 1938 in the home that Edna was born in on Tenth Street. They enjoyed a long and happy marriage of nearly 60 years. Preparations were being made for their 60th wedding anniversary when Bill succumbed to Cancer just one month short of their anniversary. Edna and Bill became parents of three children, Leslie, Darlene and Gloria. Edna was a stay at home Mom and enjoyed keeping an immaculate home and her garden. After their marriage, Edna and Bill lived on Sixth Street and Third Avenue before moving to their home on Milton Street. When they sold their home, they moved to an apartment on 8th Street. Edna’s home was always open to the continued on next page neighbourhood children
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December 2011
FREE SERVICE FOR JOB-SEEKERS FINDING INDUSTRIAL WORK IN THE GREATER VANCOUVER AREA JUST GOT EASIER Put yourself in front of companies who need staff NOW! Avoid wasting time pursuing those that are not hiring. Many companies are not advertising their own job vacancies — they use staffing companies to advertise, recruit and screen candidates. A staffing service, like ABL Employment Inc can help you streamline your work search, and put you in front of companies that you would otherwise never know are hiring. AND FOR JOB-SEEKERS IT’S FREE! Everyone is eligible, including:
and family and friends. The coffee pot was always boiling on the stove. Edna took care of her elderly mother in her last days. Two years ago, Edna moved to Queens Park Centre where she enjoys the activities and the visits from her friends and family. Edna Sargent turned 94 on November 30th and has spent all her years living in New Westminster within a radius of three kilometres. Well wishes to Edna as she enjoys her 94th Christmas in the Royal City.
• New Graduates and New Canadians • Moms and Dads re-entering the workforce • Full-time or part-time hours
IF YOU OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW IS LOOKING FOR A JOB… Please visit www.ablemployment.com to apply for an interview. If you have staffing needs that ABL Employment could assist you with, please call Brittany at 604-684-2259.
Come work with us!
Northern Phillippines Trade Mission On November 26, 2011, the Cagayan Valley Trade and Investment Mission visited the City of New Westminster to introduce themselves and exchange views on matters of mutual interest. The mission is composed of city and municipal officials and business people from the Cagayan Valley Region in the Northern Philippines. They are interested in finding overseas markets for their products and services, establishing agreements with foreign counterparts and learning from Canada’s experiences and best practices in the areas of business, trade, investment, agriculture, tourism and local governance. The Cagayan Valley is considered a potentially high-growth area, owing to its vast
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
December 2011
31
agricultural lands and forests, rich marine and fishery resources and mineral resources.
Q: Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace? A: He wanted to sleep like a log.
Elks Club Christmas Cheer The Elks Club of New Westminster is celebrating Christmas Cheer, their largest Charity Event of the year benefiting local families and others in need at Christmas time on December 10, 2011 at 6pm. Those of you joining in the fun of a casino like atmosphere will be helping give a little ‘Christmas Cheer’ to those in the area who cannot give their families all that they would hope to. All proceeds of this event will go to local recipients so come out and join the fun, Turkey and Ham Rolls Raffles, Games and Prizes Galore! PLACE: Elks Club, New Westminster (enter club at 680 Clarkson Street) TIME: 6pm–11pm PHONE: 604-524-6524
Q: Why did Santa spell Christmas N-O-E? A: Because the angel had said, “No L!” Q: What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh, Ho, Ho, Swoosh? A: Santa caught in a revolving door! Q: Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? A: Because it “soots“ him! Q: Did you hear that one of Santa’s reindeer now works for Proctor and Gambel? A: Its true… Comet cleans sinks!
LIVINGIGUIDE
CHRISTMAS 2011
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32
December 2011
FREE e c a l p MEAT BINGO The to be e MEAT DRAWS & for thdays! 50/50 DRAWS holi Thursdays
Fridays & Saturdays
KARAOKE NIGHTS
Thursday, Friday & Saturday Nights
GE T TS TICKER BEFO hE & DEC 15t$5! SAVE
CHRISTMAS MEAT DRAWS HAMS & TURKEYS Dec 9th & 10th, Dec 16th & 17th No Meat Draws Dec 23rd & 24th CHRISTMAS EVE CAROLS WITH CAL Dec 24th 1pm–4pm (Closed at 5pm) GOLDEN NEW YEAR’S EVE PARTY Dec 31st re-Open at 7pm–3am Dance into 2012 with LONE STRANGERS Sandwiches • Snacks • Party Favours & Champagne at Midnight
Tickets $15/ea
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