January 2012 | Your community humour magazine | issue 136
Active Living for life! Did you make a New Year’s Resolution to be more active? Parks, Culture and Recreation provides a wide-range of drop-in services, registered programs, lessons and special events that service infants to seniors, of all abilities and skills. Check out our Active Living Guide or Online Registration website for a complete listing of opportunities. Parks, Culture and Recreation Administration Office 600 Eighth Street, New Westminster Weekdays 8:30 a.m. – 4:30 p.m.
Tel: 604-527-4567
www.newwestpcr.ca/recreation
YOUR DIABETES RESOURCE CENTRE
WE ARE OPEN Mon to Thur 9am – 7pm Fri 9am – 6pm Sat 9am – 4pm Sun 9am – 3pm
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604-523-6767
“Good clean cars, reasonably priced!”
301-12th St, New Westminster 604-377-5889 • ken@myfirstcar.ca • myfirstcar.ca
2
January 2012
Peter Julian, MP Burnaby – New Westminster Serving Our Community
Wishing You Good Health & Happiness in 2012!
Need help with federal issues such as E.I., Income Tax, Canada Pension and Canada Student Loan? Please contact Peter Julian’s Community office for assistance. Peter Julian’s Community Office: 7615 Sixth Street, Burnaby, BC V3N 3M6
Phone: 604-775-5707 l Email: peter.julian.c1@parl.gc.ca l www.PeterJulian.ca
D D J U C I W A D W Y Z E R A
M I A U F J P C H R Q I R X O
J M P L L R H O A M W K W L J
H P R T I Y T U R P R Q J R U
N G T L A O N X E J G K S A N
S O O Y O A J Y B M G U F Z E
S K V T J I H V O C L Z E I Z
Z C E E S O S S T R T C B X S
T D D M M U P A C L V R R Y V
K E T G N B G D O S R H U O S
O L I P Z T E U O L A V A O D
R M K W U A J R A F V R R L P
C H D E C E M B E R M A Y P D
H C R A M T W W L S M R Q S E
I R B R X H R E B M E T P E S
WORD SEARCH APRIL AUGUST DECEMBER FEBRUARY JANUARY JULY JUNE MARCH MAY NOVEMBER OCTOBER SEPTEMBER WHOTOOTED
Fin Donnelly, MP
New Westminster – Coquitlam & Port Moody Serving Our Community
Need help with federal issues such as E.I., Income Tax, Canada Pension and Canada Student Loan? Please contact Fin Donnelly’s Community office for assistance. Fin Donnelly’s Community Office: 1116 Austin Avenue, Coquitlam, BC, V3K 3P5
Phone: 604-664-9229 l Email: fin.donnelly@parl.gc.ca l www.FinDonnelly.ca
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
January 2012
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4
January 2012
With January being Robbie Burns Month, Piffle is featuring Scottish jokes. Enjoy! SPEAKING ENGLISH A Scotsman walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand. The Scotsman man shouts “Awa ye feel hoor that’s full a coos Sharn’ (Don’t drink the water, it’s full of cow s ** t.) The man shouts back “I’m English, Speak English, I don’t understand you.” The Scotsman man shouts back “Use both hands, you’ll get more in.”
“Well, uh, I was thinkin’… perhaps it’s aboot time for a wee kiss.” The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. “Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.” “Well, uh, I was thinkin’ perhaps it’s noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle.” The girl blushed, then leaned over and
THE YOUNG ACTOR
cuddled him for a few seconds.
A Scots boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play. “Wonderful,” says the mother, “What part is it?” The boy says “I play the part of the Scottish husband!” The mother scowls and says: “Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part.”
Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while, she again said, “Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.” “Well, uh, I was thinkin’ perhaps it’s aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg.” The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. The the two
PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting
turned once again to gaze out over the lock before the girl spoke again.
on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out
“Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.”
over the loch. For several minutes they sat
The young man glanced down with a furled
silently.
brow. “Well,noo,” he said, “my thoughts are a
Then finally the girl looked at the boy and
wee bit more serious this time.”
said, “A penny for your thoughts, Angus.”
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
January 2012
5
COUNCILLOR
Happy 2012 to all! 778-773-0546 “Really” said the lass in a whisper, filled with
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bmcintosh@newwestcity.ca www.bettymcintosh.ca
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anticipation.
Now available for sale at Renaissance Books and the New Westminster Museum
“Aye,” said the lad, nodding. The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request. Then he said, “Dae ye nae think it’s aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?”
HOW MANY How many Scotsmen does it take to change a light bulb?
“Bring them along,” the Scotsman replied.
Och! It’s no that dark!
Turning to the other poor man he stated, “You come with us, also.”
THE EXORCIST
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said,
Callum decided to call his father-in-law the “Exorcist” because every time he came to visit he made the spirits disappear
“But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!” “Bring them all, as well,” the Scotsman answered.
EATING GRASS
They all entered the car, which was no easy
One afternoon a Scotsman was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he
task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once under way, one of the poor fellows
ordered his driver to stop and he got out to
turned to the Scotsman and said, “Sir, you
investigate.
are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us
He asked one man, “Why are you eating grass?” “We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied. “We have to eat grass.” “Well, then, you can come with me to my
with you.” The Scotsman replied, “Glad to do it. You’ll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high.”
house and I’ll feed you,” the Scotsman said. “But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.”
PARIS If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
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6
January 2012 CLEVER SCOTS When Jock moved to London he constantly annoyed his English acquaintances by boasting about how great Scotland was. Finally, in exasperation, one said, “Well, if Scotland’s so marvelous, how come you didn’t stay there?” “Well,” explained Jock “they’re all so clever up there I had to come down here to have any chance of making it at all
ASKING GOD FOR HELP Jock finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone into foreclosure and he’s in serious financial problems. He’s so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. “God, please help me. Ah’ve lost ma wee store and if Ah dinna get some money, Ah’m going to lose my hoose too. Please let me win the lottery!” Lottery night! Someone else wins… Jock prays again. “God, please let me win the lottery! Ah’ve lost my wee store, ma hoose and Ah’m going to lose ma car as weel!” Lottery night again! Still no luck… Jock prays again. “Ah’ve lost ma business, ma hoose and ma car. Ma bairns are starving. Ah dinna often ask Ye for help and Ah have always been a good servant to Ye. PLEASE just let me win the lottery this one time so Ah can get back on ma feet!”
Chris Sargent, Owner & Publisher Email: publisher@piffle.ca
Magazine Locally Owned & Published Fourth floor, 604 Columbia St New Westminster, BC V3M 1A5 Publisher & Editor: Chris Sargent Photography: Gabor Gasztonyi, Trevor Batstone & Darren Lulka Graphic Design: Cliff Blank production@piffle.ca
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Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
January 2012
7
Suddenly there is a blinding flash as the
The old woman replies “£5” to which the man
heavens open and the voice of God Himself
says “You wont get many words for that but
thunders:
write something and we’ll see if it’s OK.” so
“Jock at least meet Me half way and buy a ticket!”
the old woman writes something and hands it over the counter and the man reads “Peter Reid, fae Parkheid, deid”
THE TEMPERANCE LECTURE
He feels guilty at the abruptness of the
Jock once attended a Temperance lecture
statement and encourages the old woman
given by Scotland’s top medical man, a noted
to write a few more things. The old woman
anti-drink campaigner. The speaker began
ponders and then adds a few more words and
by placing a live, wriggling worm in a glass of
hand the paper over the counter again. The
whisky. After a moment or two it died and
man then reads “Peter Reid, fae Parkheid
sank to the bottom.
deid. Ford Escort for sale”
The speaker said quietly to the audience, “Now my friends, what does this tell us?” Jock piped up, “If you drink whisky you’ll not be bothered by worms!”
YOU ARE THE WORST Irate golfer, on his way to a round of 150: “You must be the worst caddie in the world!” Scottish caddie (dryly): “That would be too
A WEE PHYSICAL
much of a coincidence, sir.”
A woman is looking to re-enter the work force, now that her kids are all grown up. But before applying anywhere she goes tae
THE BOASTFUL AMERICAN Jock was digging peat at his croft when a
the doctors’ fae a wee physical before takin’
passing American tourist asks, “How much
oan a new joab. When she returns her hubby
land do you have here?”
notices she’s just bustin’ wi’ pride and all
“About two acres” Jock replies.
chuffed.
“You know back home it takes me a day
So he says; “What’s all this about?”
to drive around my ranch !” the American
She says, “I’ve just been tae the doctors’
boasts.
and he said I’ve got the body of a twenty year old, and the heart of a 16 year old”.
“Aye”, says Jock “I once had a car like that.”
To which her hubby fires back, ”What about your 50 year old ass?” “Your name never came up” she replied.
BREAKFAST • LUNCH • DINNER • DAILY SPECIALS 99
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THE OBITUARY A very popular Scotsman dies in Glasgow
Mon to Tues 4pm–8pm
and his old widow wishes to tell all his friends at once so she goes to the newspaper and says “I’d like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband” The man at the desk says “OK, how much money dae ye have?”
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8
January 2012
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January 2012
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NEW WESTMINSTER POLICE SERVICE PIPE BAND ROBBIE BURNS DINNER January 21. Cockatails 6:00 p.m., Dinner 7:00 p.m. The Engineers’ Hall, 4333 Ledger Ave, Burnaby • Great Highland and Celtic Entertainment. • Door Prizes, Raffle, Silent Auction, 50/50 • Dinner and Dance
Reserve your tickets now… they’re only $50!
HEALTH, FUN & NEW FRIENDS
You can have all of the above when you square dance. Come for a free dance on any of Mondays January 9, 16 or 23 at 7.30 p.m. to Charles Rummel Hall, 3680 Lozells Ave, Burnaby. The caller tells you what to do, and you dance to a great variety of music too. Phone: Janet and Roy 604-9392789
BCACL INFORMATION SESSION
Wednesday January 25 from 8:00 a.m. to 9:00 a.m. New Westminster
The BC Association for Community Living is always open to those interested in learning more about our organization and its work with individuals with developmental disabilities and their families. BCACL hosts free, one-hour information sessions that detail how the federation was created, explain the work and advocacy done by BCACL across the province, and introduce you to some of the inspiring and dynamic people who have been a part of making BCACL what it is today.Their information sessions are held at the BCACL office at 227 6th Street in New Westminster. If you would like to attend an information session, please RSVP to Salima Mawji at 604-777-9100 ext. 507 or email smawji@bcacl.org. Because we will provide breakfast or lunch, we ask you to RSVP at least three days prior to the information session you would like to attend.
NEW WESTMINSTER SCOUTS BOTTLE DRIVE
ROYAL CITY KIDS FAIR FAMILY EVENT
January 8 from 10:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m.
Saturday January 21 from 9:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m.
This FREE event brings together parents and kids with engaging and entertaining exhibitors and vendors. Over 75 tables will provide parents information, resources, products and services. Kids of all ages will be entertained by home-grown talent Bobs & Lolo, of Treehouse TV fame! Sapperton Hall, 318 Keary St, New Westminster Phone: 604-354-5771 Website: http://www.royalcitykids.com
Canada Games Pool parking lot. Start the New Year by clearing out holiday bottles and cans. Your donation of recyclables will help Scouts bring adventure, outdoor experience and friendship to New West youth. For pickup January 7, email scoutsbottlepickup@ live.ca, or drop your returnables with us January 7 or 8 at the New West Firefighter’s Christmas Tree Recycling and Fire Safety Festival at the Canada Games Pool parking lot.
WE ARE OPEN MONDAY TO THURSDAY 9AM – 7PM | FRIDAY 9AM – 6PM SATURDAY 9AM – 4PM | SUNDAY 9AM – 3PM
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10
January 2012
AT THE AUCTION
The Scotsman thought for a moment and
At an auction in Glasgow a wealthy American announced that he had lost his
then clinched the argument. “No, it’s a Scottish cow… it’s got bagpipes underneath!”
wallet containing £10,000 and would give a reward of £100 to the person who found it. From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, “I’ll give £150!”
NOT FRIENDLY A Scotsman visited London for his annual holiday and stayed at a large hotel. However, he didnae feel that the natives were friendly.
SHE’S A PRETTY LASS A Scotsman took a girl for a ride in a taxi.
“At 4 o’clock every morning,” he told a friend, “they hammered on my bedroom door, one the
She was so beautiful he could hardly keep his
walls, even on the floor and ceiling. Heck,
eye on the meter
sometimes they hammered so loud I could hardly hear myself playing the bagpipes.”
THE SCOTTISH COW An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were standing looking at a prize cow in a field. The Englishman says “Look at that fine English cow.”
IT’S WHAT HE THINKS OF ME A young woman visits her parents and brings her fiancé to meet them. After an elaborate dinner, the mother tells her husband to find
The Irishman disagreed, saying “No, it’s an Irish cow.”
out about the young man. The father invites the fiancée to his library for a drink. “So what are your plans?” The father asks the young man.
Piffle’s NUMBER BLOCKS
“I am a Torah scholar” he says. “A Torah scholar… hmmm,” the father says. “Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she is accustomed to?” “I will study,” the young man said, and God will provide for us.” “And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves” asks the father. “I will concentrate on my studies,” the young man replies, “God will provide for us.” “And children” asks the father. “How will you support children?” “Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replies the fiancé. The conversation continues like this, and
Try to fill in the missing numbers. The missing numbers are integers between 0 and 9. The numbers in each row add up to totals to the right. The numbers in each column add up to the totals along the bottom. The diagonal lines also add up the totals to the right. Solution on page 18.
each time the father questions, the young idealist insist that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, “How did it go, Honey?”
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
January 2012
11
The father answers, “He has no job and no
Married women come home, see what’s in bed
plans, but the good news is he thinks I’m God.”
and go to the fridge.
TOO BIG
AT THE FABRIC COUNTER
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, “I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does
THE TENANTS
it cost?”
A man mentioned to his landlord about the tenants in the apartment over his. “Many a night they stamp on the floor and shout till midnight.” When the landlord asked if it bothered him, he replied, “Not really, for I
“Only one kiss per yard, “ replied the smirking male clerk. “That’s fine,” replied the girl. “I’ll take ten yards.” With expectation and anticipation written
usually stay up and practice my trumpet until
all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured
about that time most every night anyway.”
out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.
HORSE MANNERS
The girl snapped up the package, pointed
One friend to another, “My new horse is very well-mannered.”
to a little old man standing beside her, smiled and said. “Grandpa pay the man.”
“That’s nice.” “Yes, isn’t it? Every time we come to a jump he stops and lets me go first!”
IMPORTANT THINGS While attending a Marriage seminar dealing with communication, Jack and his wife, Barb,
TRADE SECRETS
listened to the instructor. “It is essential
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.” He addressed the man, “can you describe
HOW DID HE DO THAT?
your wife’s favorite flower?”
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into
Jack leaned over, touched his wife’s arm gently and whispered, “It’s Pillsbury isn’t it?”
his house the night before. “You’ll get your chance in court,” said the Desk Sergeant. “No, no, no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
SINGLE/MARRIED He said to me… Why are married women heavier than single women? I said to him… Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed.
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12
January 2012 Feel comfortable and confident about your financial future with professional advice. Studies* show that clients of financial advisors tend to start saving earlier and have higher net worth. With The Plan by Investors Group™, I can help you save tax and better weather unpredictable markets. Contact me for your copy of “The Value of The Plan” and get started today. Bruce McAndless-Davis B.A. M.Div.
Consultant bruce.mcandless-davis@investorsgroup.com (604) 431-0117
* Value of Financial Planning. Study by the Financial Planning Standards Council, 2010 ™ Trademarks owned by IGM Financial Inc. and licensed to its subsidiary corporations. © Investors Group Inc. 2011
ACUPUNCTURE A jab well done.
RULES OF THE SOUTHERN USA Save all manner of bacon grease. If it can’t be fried in bacon grease, it ain’t worth cooking, let alone eating. Remember: “Y’all” is singular. “All y’all” is plural. “All y’all’s” is plural possessive. People walk slower here. Don’t be worried that you don’t understand anyone. They don’t understand you either. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner’s vocabulary is the adjective “Big ol’”, as in “big ol’ truck” or “big ol’ boy”. Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, “Hey, y’all,
Music lessons for all ages, all instruments, theory and RCM exam prep.
watch this!” stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest
Call
604-525-5757
2 locations to serve you!
209 East Columbia St, New Westminster 7884 Oak St, Vancouver pilwonsuk@yahoo.ca
assured that it was on when the car was purchased. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the tiniest accumulation of
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
January 2012
13
snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you’re supposed to do.
Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
IT PASSES TIME Things to do at Wal-Mart while the significant other is taking his/her sweet time: 1.
Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
2. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G. I. Joe’s vs. the X-Men. 3. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon. 4. Switch the men’s and women’s signs on the doors of the restroom. 5. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from “Mission Impossible.” 6. Set up a “Valet Parking” sign in front of the store. 7. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like “Pick me! Pick me!!” 8. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don’t get out
’
much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
PIE ARE ROUND The roundest knight at king Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
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14
January 2012 WINE, WINE, WINE Woman’s Quote of the Day: “Men are like fine wine. They all start out like
What year is the Harley Davidson motorcycle on display at the New Westminster Police Museum?
grapes, and it’s our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you’d like to have dinner with.” Men’s Counter-Quote of the Day: “Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache.”
FUNNY BUSINESS You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, “I am very rich. Marry me!” That’s Direct Marketing. You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you and says, “He’s very rich. Marry him.”
Piffle’s MATH MADNESS
That’s Advertising. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, “Hi, I’m very rich. Marry me.” That’s Telemarketing. You’re at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her; pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, “By the way, I’m very rich. Will you marry me?” That’s Public Relations. You’re at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, “You are very rich.” That’s Brand Recognition. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go
Try to fill in the missing numbers. Use the numbers 1 through 9 to complete the equations. Each number is only used once. Each row is a math equation. Each column is a math equation. Remember that multiplication and division are performed before addition and subtraction. Solution on page 22.
up to her and say, “I’m rich. Marry me.” She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. That’s Customer Feedback!!
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
January 2012
15
COMPUTER TERMS: TEXAS TRANSLATION 1.
LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter.
“I’m sure you’re right,” replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. “How much did this really cost?”
2. LOG OFF: Don’t add no more wood.
“All of it,” said Helen. “Thirty thousand.”
3. MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the wood
“No!” Jody exclaimed. “I mean, it was very
stove.
nice, but $30,000?”
4. DOWNLOAD: Gettin’ the farwood off the truck
Helen answered. “The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food
5. MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin’ the farwood
and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone.”
6. FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood
Jody computed quickly. “$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!”
7. RAM: That thing tha splits the farwood
“Two and a half carats.”
8. HARD DRIVE: Gettin’ home in the winter
SOUTHERN CHARM
time 9. PROMPT: What the mail ain’t in the winter time
Man: Excuse me Miss, but were you born in Tennessee?
10. WINDOWS: What to shut when it’s cold outside
Woman: No, why? Man: Because your the only ten-I-see!
11. SCREEN: What to shut when it’s black fly season 12. BYTE: What them dang flies do 13. CHIP: Munchies fer the TV 14. MICRO CHIP: What’s in the bottom of the munchie bag 15. MODEM: Whatcha did to the hay fields 16. DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix’s wife 17. LAP TOP: Where the kitty sleeps 18. KEYBOARD: Where ya hang the dang truck keys 19. SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knives 20. MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn 21. MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn roof
REST IN PEACE, JOE Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend. “Well, I’m sure Joe would be pleased,” she said.
Another fine “time distraction” brought to you by your local Piffle Magazine.
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16
January 2012 “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada. The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on
HIGH SCHOOL & HIGH DEF
the front line of the British army for the last
With high-definition TV everything looks
300 years.
bigger and wider. Kind of like going to your
Italy has increased the alert level from
25th high school reunion.
“Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain:
EUROPEAN ALERT LEVELS
“Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change
According to John Cleese
Sides.”
The French government announced
The Germans have increased their alert
yesterday that it has raised its terror alert
state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress
level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two
in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They
higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and
also have two higher
“Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a
levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”
recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on
factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s
holiday as usual; the only threat they are
military capability.
worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass
“Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may
bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a
be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even
really good look at the old Spanish navy.
St. Helenʻs Parish Hall, 3871 Pandora Street, North Burnaby • 604.298.4144 or 604.298.4454
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January 2012
17
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is canceled.” So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
PROPER USE OF 9-1-1
9-1-1 is your connection to police, fire and ambulance
(By John Cleese, British writer, actor and tall person.)
TO DIE FOR When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.
9-1-1 is for police, fire or medical emergencies when immediate action is required: someone’s health, safety or property is in jeopardy or a crime is in progress. 9-1-1 call-takers cannot provide information on the weather, power outages or municipal services. Please use 9-1-1 responsibly — it is not an information line. Don’t call 9-1-1 and ask for the “non-emergency” phone number. Those numbers are located on the front cover of your phone book. You can also dial directory assistance (4-1-1) and retrieve a number. Please use 9-1-1 responsibly — it is not an information line.
STAY ON THE LINE
some lettuce in the back garden. When is the
When an E-Comm 9-1-1 call-taker answers, they will ask you if you need “police” “fire” or “ambulance.” The call-taker will also confirm which municipality you are calling from. Once you indicate which service you need, your call will be immediately transferred. • Stay on the line and follow instructions. Your 9-1-1 calltaker will stay on the line with you to make sure your call is answered by the agency you need.
best time to plant them?”
KNOW YOUR LOCATION
THE LETTUCE GARDEN A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: “Dear Husband, I have decided to plant
The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: “Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money.” A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: “Dear Husband, You wouldn’t believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden.” The prisoner wrote another letter back: “Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce.”
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. “I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,” she said. “What’s your secret for a long happy life?” “I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he said. “I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise.” “That’s amazing,” said the woman, “how old “Twenty-six,” he said.
BE PREPARED TO ANSWER QUESTIONS
The call-takers are experienced “question askers” and their persistence is based on a need to provide accurate and specific information to the attending emergency responders. • Listen carefully, speak clearly and try to remain calm. Please understand that while call-takers are asking you questions, they are relaying vital information electronically to the dispatchers and emergency personnel on their way to help you.
IF YOU CALL 9-1-1 ACCIDENTALLY
THE LITTLE OLD MAN
are you?”
• Know your location at all times and communicate it when you are asked. • Location is particularly important if you are calling from a cell phone (cell phones provide only general location information) or an internet phone (VoIP) (no location information). • You should know what city you are in, building or home addresses, cross streets, and any other information that will help emergency personnel find you. • Learn your compass directions (north, south, east, west).
If you dial 9-1-1 accidentally, stay on the line and tell us. If you hang up we don’t know if you are okay and will have to call back or send police to check on you. • Don’t program 9-1-1 into your telephone — speed dials can lead to accidental 9-1-1 calls. • Keep your cell phone in a safe position when not in use, to prevent accidental calls. • Please do not test 9-1-1 to see if it’s working.
FOR MORE INFORMATION VISIT ecomm911.ca Your New Westminster Fire & Rescue Services cares about you & your safety! If you require further information, please visit our website at: www.newwestcity.ca or call the Fire Prevention Division at 604-519-1004
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18
January 2012
Piffle’s NUMBER BLOCKS
She thinks she imagined it and keeps walking until suddenly the voice calls out again. “Don’t take a step further.” She stops and a
Solution from page 10
car skids past. Then suddenly she hears the voice saying “I am your guardian angel, and I will warn you before something bad happens to you. Now do you have any questions to ask me?” Yes! Shouts the woman, “Just where were you on my wedding day!”
AND YOU KIDS THINK YOU ARE TOUGH A school teacher injured his back and had
THAT SPECIAL DIAMOND NECKLACE A married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon, and
to wear a plaster cast around the upper part
suddenly, the wife realized that her husband
of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not
had “disappeared”.
noticeable at all. On the first day of the term,
The somewhat irate spouse called her mate’s
still with the cast under his shirt, he found
cell phone and demanded: Where the hell are you?
himself assigned to the toughest students
Husband: Darling, you remember that jeweler
in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy
shop where you saw the diamond necklace
classroom, he opened the window as wide as
and totally fell in love with it and I didn’t have
possible and then busied himself with desk work.
money at that time and said, “Baby it’ll be
When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took
yours one day”?
the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. He had no trouble with discipline that term.
Wife, with a smile, blushing: Yes, I remember that, my Love. Husband: Well, I’m in the pub next to that
THE GUARDIAN ANGEL
shop.
A woman is walking on the road and a voice shouts out, “Don’t take a step further.” She obeys and suddenly a ton of bricks fall on the place where she would have otherwise been.
A SHORT LOVE STORY A man and a woman, who had never met before, but who were both married to other
THE VISITOR By Glenn Jones
#26-8720 Forest Grove Drive, Burnaby BC V5A 4C9 | 604-433-3986 | E-mail: glenn-jones@shaw.ca
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
January 2012
19
people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 a.m., the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying “Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.” “I have a better idea,” she replied “Just for tonight… let’s pretend that we’re married.” “Wow! That’s a great idea” he exclaimed. “Good,” she replied. “Get your own darn blanket.” After a moment of silence, he farted.
STILL She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
studio portraits • event photography • photo restoration • commercial • custom picture framing Submit your joke at piffle.ca
20
January 2012 TWO GUYS NAMED Shut Up and Trouble were walking down a path. Trouble got lost. So, Shut Up went to the police officer. The police officer asked, Know your limit, play within it.
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“What’s your name?” He answered, “Shut Up.” He asked again “What’s your name?” “Shut Up.” The police officer asked, “Are you looking for trouble?!” “Yeah, I lost him down a path about two miles ago.”
HOLY FAST FOOD Did you hear about the 2 men from the monastery who opened up a fast food? One was the fish friar, and the other was the chip monk.
WHAT A TREAT Two robins were sitting in a tree. “I’m really hungry,” said the first one. “Let’s fly down and find some lunch.” They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was full
Bag Piper… come celebrate at the Elks Club
of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they
JANUARY 21 — REVERSE DRAW
into the tree,” said the first one.
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could eat no more. “I’m so full, I don’t think I can fly back up “Let’s just lay back here and bask in the warm sun,” said the second. “OK,” said the first. So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when a big fat tomcat came up and gobbled them up. As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought… “I JUST LOVE BASKIN ROBINS.”
PUSHING THE ENVELOPE No matter how much you push the envelope,
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it’ll still be stationery.
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January 2012
21
WALK A MILE
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mile in his or her shoes, and then when you criticize them you’ll be a mile away and have their shoes!
NO NEED Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating? Sam: No sir, I don’t have to, my mom is a
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THE BUTCHER The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
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Major St
Ward St
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Never criticize someone unless you walk a
22
January 2012 AT THE WEDDING Submitted by Jim Sandes
At a wedding party recently someone yelled,
LIZA’S
“All the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living.” The bartender was crushed to death.
LOOKING FOR THE WIFE Two guys one old one young are pushing their
HOROSCOPES January 2012
For an In-depth Personal Reading, go to www.lizakolbuck.com
ARIES: Your daily life picks up steam and you are ready to get all the tasks you have been putting off done. Coworkers may cause you grief; think before speaking. TAURUS: Your creativity sparks a new high and you are able to express yourself with ease. Your desire nature is strong and any relationship started at this time will be powerful. GEMINI: Much activity takes place on the home front. Family could cause disagreements. Compromise is the key word for the month of January in the home and work place. CANCER: Neighbors, relative and others you deal with on a daily basis may seem to cause you grief. You are able to put forth your ideas with vigor and gusto. LEO: Your desire to have possessions is strong now. Your financial position is not a sign of your personal worth. Don’t let money get in the way of friendship. VIRGO: Your working very hard to further your own interests. Show the world what you are capable of. You may feel you have to fight for your rights. LIBRA: This is a good time to work alone as much as possible to get things done. Volunteering or social work will do wonders for you. Dreams will be powerful. SCORPIO: Formulate your goals and go after them with gusto. Coordinate your needs with others as opposed to going at it alone. Friends may be argumentative. SAGITTARIUS: You want to achieve and you will get much done on the work front. Coworkers may feel threatened by your efforts to get ahead. Align your interests with others.
carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.” The young guy says, “That’s OK, it’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.” The old guy says, “Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?” ‘The young guy says, “Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom wearing no bra, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?” To which the first old guy says, “Doesn’t matter… let’s look for yours!!”
TIME Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
Piffle’s MATH MADNESS
CAPRICORN: Defending your beliefs is one thing, just don’t force your ideas on others. Look for experiences that will open up your mind to new ideas. Travel may come up. AQUARIUS: Conflicts with your value system or money may arise. The old ways of doing things will come to an end and the birth of the new will take place. PISCES: Now is a good time to put energy back into your relationships. Look for resolution as opposed to opposition in the business and marital scheme of things.
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
Solution from page 14
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
(Our competitive rates will make you smile too.) Jokes + Local Stories + Community Events + Horoscopes + Puzzles Full Colour or Black & White • Full Month Exposure • Back Issues Archived Online Distributed in Doctor’s Offices, Pubs, Banks, Restaurants, Pharmacies… and more!
Contact Publisher & Editor Chris Sargent Today! Phone
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24
January 2012
BAD HEALTH ADVICE FOR CHUBBY SAPPERTON GUYS
you 100% of your recommended daily
Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
prolong life. Is this true?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about
A: Your heart is only good for so many
fruits and vegetables. As we all know,
beats, and that’s it. Everything wears
scientists divide everything in the world
out eventually. Speeding up your heart
into three categories: animal, mineral, and
will not make you live longer; that’s like
vegetable. We all know that beer and wine
saying you can extend the life of your
are not animal, and they are not on the
car by driving it faster. Want to live
periodic table of elements, so that only
longer? Take a nap.
leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more
a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid
fruits and vegetables?
vegetables.
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have
what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is
body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you
nothing more than an efficient mechanism
have two bodies, your ratio is two to one,
of delivering vegetables to your system.
etc.
Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a
Q: At the gym, a guy asked me to “spot” for
good source of field grass (green leafy
him while he did the bench press. What did he
vegetable). And a pork chop can give
mean?
JANUARY 15 BOOK SIGNING
allowance of vegetable slop.
JANUARY 22 BOOK SIGNING
The Eastman Chronicles
Written by Mike Mountain who has struggled with Leukemia and is a survivor. Partial proceeds of book sales are going towards Leukemia and Multiple Sclerosis research and patient care.
Poems I Didn’t Want to Write, Some Other Dreams By Ibrahim Honjo who is a poet-writer, sculptor, painter and photographer.
Are you an Author, Poet, or Singer Song Writer? Come down and sign up for the OPEN MIC and perform on JANUARY 8, 2011 starting at 1:30 p.m. at Renaissance Books. OPEN MIC nights are a great way to demo your poems, books, songs as a songwriter. We offer a laid back atmosphere where you can test out craft. It’s also perfect for when you’re starting out.
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Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
January 2012
25
A: “Spotting” for someone means you
“Who is it” a passenger asks the captain.
stand over him while he blows air up
“I’ve no idea. Every year when we pass, he
your shorts. It’s an accepted practice
goes nuts.”
at health clubs; though if you find that it becomes the ONLY reason why you’re going in, you probably ought to reevaluate
KITCHEN IN FRANCE What do you get when you toss a hand grenade into a kitchen in France?
your exercise program. Q: What are some of the advantages of
Linoleum blown-apart.
participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain-No Pain. Q: If I stop smoking, will I live longer? A: Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual expression and peace of mind. If you stop, you’ll probably stress yourself to death in record time. Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you? A: You’re not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? Q: What’s the secret to healthy eating? A: Thicker gravy. I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about trying to live a longer and healthier life.
THE BEARDED MAN From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.
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26
January 2012 MOM’S GREY HAIRS One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair
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sticking out in contrast to her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?” Her mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.” The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, “Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?”
FEELING REAL GOOD There was a man driving a pickup truck down a country road, when suddenly he was broad sided by a trailer truck. Some time went by, and the case got to court. The defense attorney said to the plaintiff, “How can you be suing my client now when you told a trooper after the accident that you felt fine?” The man replied, “Well sir, it was like this. We was drivin’ down the road, mindin’ our own business, when a big trailer truck came out of nowhere and creamed us. When I came to, I was in the ditch, and a trooper was pullin’ up with his car. He looked at the hogs, and they was ‘most dead, so he shot ‘em. Then he looked at my dog, and he was hurt real bad, so he shot him. Then he came over to me and he said, ‘How you feeling?’” “I said, I never felt better in my life.”
IN THE CAN I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: “Hi, how are you?” I’m not the type to start a conversation in the men’s restroom, but I don’t know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, “Doin’ just fine.”
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
January 2012
27
And the other guy says: “So what are you up to?” What kind of question is that? At that point, I’m thinking this is too bizarre so I say: “Uhhh, I’m like you, just traveling.” At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. “Can I come over?” OK, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, “No… I’m a little busy right now!!” Then I hear the guy say nervously… “Listen, I’ll have to call you back. There’s an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions.”
POETS A backward poet writes inverse.
— Mayor Wayne Wright
Police Stop at 2 a.m. An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
ALLIGATORS While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but
The man replies, “I am on my way to a
his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the
lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects
overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber
it has on the human body, as well as smoking
standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,
and staying out late.”
“Are there any gators around here?”
The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?” The man replies, “That would be my wife.”
“Naw,” the man hollered back, “they ain’t been around for years!” Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
MAKES SENSE TO A MAN
About halfway there he asked the guy, “How’d you get rid of the gators?”
Submitted by Jim Sandes
This is a story which is perfectly logical to
“We didn’t do nothing,’” the beachcomber said.
all males: A wife asks her husband, “Could
“Wow,” said the tourist.
you please go shopping for me and buy one
The beachcomber added, “The sharks got ‘em.”
carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6.” A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, “Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?” He replied, “They had eggs.”
A SPOUSE A spouse is someone who’ll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn’t have had if you’d stayed single.
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28
January 2012
TERRIBLE NEWS
7. Leave a box in the corner, and when
Mary Clancy goes up to Father McGuire after his Sunday morning service, and she’s in tears. He says, “So what’s bothering you, Mary my dear?”
someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking. 8. Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits
She says, “Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.” The priest says, “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?” She says, “That he did, Father.”
with the passengers. 9. When the doors close, announce to the others, “It’s okay, don’t panic, they open again!” 10. Grimace painfully while smacking your
The priest says, “What did he ask, Mary?”
forehead and muttering, “Shut up, all of
She says, “He said, ‘Please Mary, put down
you, just shut up!”
that damn gun.’“
11. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, “Got enough air
THINGS TO DO IN AN ELEVATOR 1. When there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn’t you. 2. Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more. 3. Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell
in there?” 12. Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off. 13. Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers. 14. Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
phone and ask if they know what floor
CONTROLS
you’re on. 4. Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator. 5. Move your desk into the elevator and
“Cash, check or charge” the cashier asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As the woman fumbled for her
whenever anyone gets on, ask if they
wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control
have an appointment.
for a television set in her purse.
6. Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.
“Do you always carry your TV remote” the cashier asked.
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
January 2012
29
“No,” she replied. “But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him.”
1958
IT’S ALL IN THE GAME Two golfers met at the club. “I heard about your terrible tragedy last week,” said one. “Yes,” said the other sadly, sipping his drink. “I was playing a two-some with Winthrop, and he dropped dead on the ninth hole.” “I understand you carried him all the way back to the clubhouse too,” the first man said sympathetically. “That must have been very difficult, considering Winthrop weighed over two hundred and fifty pounds.” “The carrying wasn’t that hard. It was putting him down at every stroke, then picking him up again that wore me out.”
THE CROSS EYED DOG A man takes his dog to the vet. “My dog is cross eyed, is there anything you can do for him? “Well,” says the vet, “let’s take a look at him.” So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.” “What? Because he is cross-eyed?” “No, because he’s really heavy.”
BIBLICAL HUMOR Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth? A. Ruthless. Q. What do they call pastors in Germany? A. German Shepherds. Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible? A. Noah He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation. Q. Who’s the greatest female financier in the Bible? A. Pharaoh’s daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little
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30
January 2012 THE INSURANCE policy The barn at Larry and Susan’s farm burned down, and Susan called the insurance company. Susan: “We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money.” Agent: “Wait just a minute, Susan… it
FREE SERVICE FOR JOB-SEEKERS FINDING INDUSTRIAL WORK IN THE GREATER VANCOUVER AREA JUST GOT EASIER Put yourself in front of companies who need staff NOW! Avoid wasting time pursuing those that are not hiring. Many companies are not advertising their own job vacancies — they use staffing companies to advertise, recruit and screen candidates. A staffing service, like ABL Employment Inc can help you streamline your work search, and put you in front of companies that you would otherwise never know are hiring. AND FOR JOB-SEEKERS IT’S FREE! Everyone is eligible, including:
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doesn’t work quite like that. We will determine the value of the old barn and provide you with a new one of comparable worth.” Susan, after a pause: “I’d like to cancel the policy on my husband.”
SALLY A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them. Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn’t know for sure they just continued to watch her. After a couple of weeks the wife asked, “Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?” He hadn’t and said so. Then she said, “Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she’s really doing.” Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
January 2012
31
husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. “Well, is she selling drugs?” she asked excitedly.” No, she’s not.” he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. “Well, what is it, then” his wife fairly shrieked. The man grinned and said. “Her name is Sally and she’s a battery salesperson.”
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“Batteries” cried the wife. “Yes,” he replied. “Sally sells C cells by the Seashore.”
USEFUL MILITARY WARNINGS “Aim towards the Enemy.” (Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher) “When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.” (U.S. Army)
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“Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground.” (U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop) “If the enemy is in range, so are you.” (Infantry Journal) “A slipping gear could let your M203
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grenade launcher fire when you least expect
.ca
it. That would make you quite unpopular in what’s left of your unit.” (Army’s magazine of preventive maintenance) “It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.” (U.S. Air Force Manual)
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“Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.” (Infantry Journal) “Tracers work both ways.” (U.S. Army Ordnance) “Five-second fuses only last three seconds.” (Infantry Journal) “Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid.” (Col. David Hackworth) “If your attack is going too well, you’re
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probably walking into an ambush.” (Infantry Journal)
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32
January 2012
KARAOKE NIGHTS FREE MEAT BINGO Thursday, Friday & Saturday Nights
Thursdays
MEAT DRAWS & 50/50 DRAWS Fridays & Saturdays
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