May 2012 | Your community humour magazine | issue 140
NEW at the Cone Zone…
Hawaiian Shave Ice Retro & Novelty Candy Shop
• Hand Crafted Italian Gelato • Retro & Novelty Candy Shop • Flavour Burst Soft Serve • Gelato Cakes • Authentic Hawaiian Shave Ice • Flavour Burst Milkshakes • Ice Cream Cookie Sandwiches • Affogato (Espresso & Gelato Dessert)
595 6th Street, New Westminster www.theconezone.ca | 778 397-1111
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May 2012
Peter Julian, MP Burnaby – New Westminster Serving Our Community
Need help with federal issues such as E.I., Income Tax, Canada Pension and Canada Student Loan? Please contact Peter Julian’s Community office for assistance. Peter Julian’s Community Office: 7615 Sixth Street, Burnaby, BC V3N 3M6
Phone: 604-775-5707 l Email: peter.julian.c1@parl.gc.ca l www.PeterJulian.ca
T A M M Y G O O D W I N Q I M
R I M E Z A K E N A I R A M I
O B E L D R A W N A L A H I C
R R I I S O D Z Y R Q E O X H
N E L L V S J O O X C O L F A
U N M X L I O N N T Z U M D I
M D M L J R U G O P O D O Q L
A A A D A N A R I R Z N P Z B
I A C L G P B D P T J W K B O
R D Q E E R N E B O T T Q B N
O A R U E S N I H O Y A O D C
L M W M A I T N V L U F P R E
G M N D D A S E H A J R S C A
J E Q A T O P T E C G B N D R
R G N Z N S K R A L C F F E J
WORD SEARCH ALANWARDLE BILLRADBOURNE BRENDAADAM DALESTEEL DONJOHNSON GAVINPALMER GLORIAMUNRO HECTORBREMNER JEFFCLARK MARIANEKAZEMIR MICHAILBONCEA NADINEPROULX PATTIGOSS RONUNGER TAMMYGOODWIN
Fin Donnelly, MP
New Westminster – Coquitlam & Port Moody Serving Our Community
Need help with federal issues such as E.I., Income Tax, Canada Pension and Canada Student Loan? Please contact Fin Donnelly’s Community office for assistance. Fin Donnelly’s Community Office: 1116 Austin Avenue, Coquitlam, BC, V3K 3P5
Phone: 604-664-9229 l Email: fin.donnelly@parl.gc.ca l www.FinDonnelly.ca
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
May 2012
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Call 604-524-0500 • 7882 6th St, Burnaby Funny Bones by Jones Magazine Locally Owned & Published Fourth floor, 604 Columbia St New Westminster, BC V3M 1A5
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Photography: Gabor Gasztonyi, Trevor Batstone, Darren Lulka
Glenn Jones would like to hear from his fans. E-mail him at funnybones.by.jones@gmail.com.
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May 2012
Century House News Super Plant Sales
Sunday, May 6, 10 am – 4 pm In the Armoury, Queens Ave & 6th St New Westminster Are you an avid gardener? Is your garden in need of some new shrubs and plants? Here is your chance to add something new to your landscaping plan. The New Westminster Horticultural Society is offering its gigantic plant sale again this year. Lots of parking next door in the City Hall parking lot. Don’t miss out on this once-a-year opportunity. Come out and see what your fellow garden enthusiasts have in store for you!
SPAN
SPAN stands for Seniors Planning and Action Network. It was founded in 2005 as New Westminster Seniors Services Task Force. The name was changed to SPAN in February 2011 to better reflect the scope and mandate of serving seniors. SPAN is a group of New Westminster seniors and service providers who want to improve the lives of New Westminster adults 50+ years of age.This senior-led group pursues projects that are identified through research and members’
awareness of seniors’ needs and priorities. SPAN welcomes seniors and service providers interested in volunteering to develop and implement community projects. Meetings are held five times a year with project groups meeting as needed. Senior Services Society is the host agency for SPAN. Funding is provided in part by the United Way of the Lower Mainland. Projects have received funding from the Union of BC Municipalities and New Horizons for Seniors. Projects in 2009 include: Wheelability Assessment Project, IMBY Fair — Connecting Seniors to Services, and New Westminster Directory of Services for Seniors. (IMBY stands for In My Back Yard.) Projects in 2010 include: Seniors Engagement Toolkit, and Agency Network Event, as well as another IMBY Fair and an update of the Directory of Services for Seniors. Century House is well represented on SPAN as both the current and in-coming Chairpersons are members of CHA. For more information, please call the coordinator Miriam at 604-515-1718. The online Directory of Services for Seniors: http://communitydirectory. seniorshousing.bc.ca
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
May 2012
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IT STARTS WITH MEN 1. Woman has Man in it; 2. Mrs. has Mr. in it; 3. Female has Male in it; 4. She has He in it;
When your sweet tooth has a say in the matter, and it often does, the Cone Zone is that place.
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5. Madam has Adam in it; 6. Okay, Okay, it all makes sense now… 7. I never looked at it this way before: 8. Ever notice how all of women’s problems start with MEN?
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595 6th Street, New Westminster www.theconezone.ca 778 397-1111 hello@theconezone.ca
Send this to all the women you know to brighten their day. Send this to all the men just to annoy them…
Late Night Lecture I was stopped by the police at midnight and
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asked where I was going.
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“I’m on the way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol and drug abuse on the human body,” I replied. The policeman replied, “Really? And who’s going to give a lecture at this time of night?” “My wife”, I responded.
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May 2012 HE’S WATCHING Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: “Jesus is watching you!” Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. “Jesus is watching you,” the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: “Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?” “Yes”, said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot, “What’s your name?” “Clarence,” said the bird. “That’s a dumb name for a parrot,” sneered the burglar. “What idiot named you Clarence?” The parrot said, “The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus.”
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Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
May 2012
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THE VASE
Enjoy Royal City Traditions at our Hyack Festival
Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, “Is that you I hear spittin’ in the vase on the mantle piece?” “No,” said himself, “but I’m gettin’ closer all the time.”
TIME AND A HALF Paddy goes for a job. Paddy goes for a job at a chemical factory, the factory manager asks “Have you worked with chemicals before?” “Yes!” Paddy replies. The manager asks “Can you tell me what nitrate is?” Paddy replies “I”m hoping its going to be time and a half.
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May 2012
Serving New Westminster since 2003. We thank all of you for your continued support of the last nine years!
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May 2012
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10TH ANNUAL MULTICULTURAL FESTIVAL
Since its inception ten years ago, the Royal City Multicultural Festival has grown into a signature event for the City of New Westminster and an integral part of Hyack Festival Week. The 2012 Multicultural Festival will take place on Saturday May 19 at the New Westminster Quay boardwalk (bet ween Fraser River Discovery Centre and the River Market). The festival is a celebration of the rich cultural diversity that exists in our community today.
FREE PHOTO BOOTH FOR MOTHER’S DAY Friday & Saturday, May 11, 12
What fun for the family to gather and visit Royal City Centre’s special Mother’s Day free photo booth for two days only on Friday and Saturday, May 11 and May 12 from 11am to 4pm each day. We have lots of props and ideas for your Mother’s Day Gift Photo at the Giggle Photo Booth which is compliments of your Royal City Centre retailers.
KEY WEST FORD ROYAL CITY SHOW & SHINE Sunday July 8, 10am – 6pm
Admission is free to the public, to register your vehicle is $25.00, Downtown New Westminster The popular event that really shines is once again rolling into Downtown New Westminster. Come and join in the fun! 100’s of cool cars, tons of live entertainment, great food and fun for the whole family. All along Columbia Street in Downtown New Westminster! Presented by Key West Ford, the Downtown New West BIA and the City of New Westminster.
LOWE’S HYACK FESTIVAL WEEK
Friday, May 18, 7:00pm – Sunday, May 27, 12:00am The Hyack Festival Association has been coordinating the City of New Westminster’s signature annual arts and culture festival since 1971. The 2012 Lowe’s Hyack Festival Week events encourage affordable, multicultural and
inter-generational activities so children, youth, adults and seniors can participate together. The 2012 Lowe’s Hyack Festival Week events includes official opening ceremonies, the Antique Fair, the Ancient and Honourable Hyack Anvil Battery Salute, May Day celebrations, the DiverseCity Multicultural Festival presented by the Downtown New Westminster Business Improvement Association, the renowned Hyack International Parade presented by Key West Ford, and Uptown Live! presented by Westminster Centre and Royal City Centre.
A SAPPERTON TOUR
Sunday, May 6, 1:30pm The Brewery District and More This tour will begin at Sapperton Park, located at the corner of East Columbia Street at Sherbrooke Street, at 1:30 pm The tour will end in the same area. The tour will last 1½ to 2 hours, goes rain or shine, and there is no need to preregister. With so many things happening in the Sapperton neighborhood of New Westminster this year, two walking tours to feature some of this development and the history of the area have been scheduled. The first of the pair will walk from Sapperton Park south along East Columbia Street to the corner of Brunette Avenue and return. The major points will note the Brewery District with the new Thrifty’s Foods store and many buildings to come on the site, some of the brewing history of the city, and part of the 150 year anniversary of Royal Columbian Hospital (RCH). Included will be some churches, an orphanage, a few houses of interest, some early businesses, two schools, mill workers bunkhouses, streetcar lines, and a brief bit on Sapperton Park itself. A more complete look at the park and RCH will be included in a tour in July.
Westminster was outlined by a guest speaker. In this follow up segment, photos of the school inside and out, formerly on 1st Street in the area of today’s College Court, will be connected to materials from a school calendar that outlines what attending the college would have been like. All programs are held on the third Wednesday of each month from 7:30 pm to 8:45 pm in the auditorium of the New Westminster Public Library, 716 - 6th Avenue, New Westminster. The programs are free, everyone is welcome, and there is no need to register in advance. For more information about this group or a program call 604-526-6113
QUEENSBOROUGH PLAN WORKSHOP
Saturday May 5, 10:00 am – 2:30 pm Queensborough Community Centre 920 Ewen Avenue T he Cit y is holding a Queensborough Community Plan Workshop where participants will be invited to review and comment on the draft vision, themes, goals and objectives, and land use plan. Residents, business owners and other people who have an interest in the community are all welcome to attend. Lunch will be provided. For more information please call 604-527-4532 or visit www.newwestcity.ca/queensborough
Call 604-526-6113 for information
NEW WESTMINSTER HISTORICAL SOCIETY May 16 — Three Topics of Local History: Attending Columbian College and More
This presentation, based on requests from the community, will feature three individual topics. Last fall the story of Columbian College in New
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May 2012 SHARING A BITE A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at Burger King. He noticed that they ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries. One for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup, and set it in front of his wife. The old man began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn’t have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, “Oh, no. We’ve been
Who is the new President and First of the Hyack Festival Association?
married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50.” The young man than asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, “Not yet. It’s his turn using the teeth.”
Piffle’s NUMBER BLOCKS
THE PIFFLE GUIDE TO GETTING OLDER 1. You and your teeth don’t sleep together. 2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren’t wearing any. 3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you’re not eating cereal. 4. Your back goes out but you stay home. 5. When you wake up looking like your driver’s license picture. 6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch. 7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio. 8. When happy hour is a nap. 9. When you’re on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does.
Try to fill in the missing numbers. The missing numbers are integers between 0 and 9. The numbers in each row add up to totals to the right. The numbers in each column add up to the totals along the bottom. The diagonal lines also add up the totals to the right. Solution on page 18.
10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
May 2012
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11. When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age. 12. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is
Confessions of a Former Teen Angster!! By Reese McBeth, Humourist ©2012
still there. 13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up. 14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired. 15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer. 16. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr. 17. You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going. 18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend. 19. Getting “lucky” means you found your car in the parking lot. 20. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals. 21. It takes twice as long… to look half as good. 22. Everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt… doesn’t work. 23. You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time. 24. You sink your teeth into a steak… and they stay there.
LAWN CARE Two blondes were sipping their Starbucks when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod. “I’m going to do that when I win the lottery,” announced Blonde #1. “Do what” asked Blonde #2. “Send my lawn out to be mowed.”
ESCAPED CON The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
IT’S UP THERE A plateau is a high form of flattery.
I was convinced that with no underarm hair I would never find love. I tried — but girls just don’t find 110 pound pimple faced dorks attractive. I made many attempts to come across like a cool intellectual, but I always failed, letting my shyness get the better of me. I noticed at a teen nightclub that I frequented, that girls really liked guys who could shake it on the dance floor. From what I could tell, a lot of hip action and pelvic thrusts were the key. So every night in my room I would dance. I was like the girl from Flashdance, except I was a guy. Unfortunately the thought of dancing in public frightened me. I would have to dig deep into my bag of courage to bring my moves to the club floor. Earlier that day I had watched a couple of music videos with men wearing eyeliner to look cool — I thought “What a great idea!”, so I snuck into my mother’s makeup bag and lined my lids. I justified it by calling it my “war paint.” I knew if I didn’t show my mettle, I would forever be that kid, hiding in the corner, that kid whose future career would probably be handing out garbage bags at the local drive in. As I walked around the club I was BEYOND nervous. I threw up three times. I’m man enough to admit — I had a little cry. My hands were sweating profusely. My eyeliner was starting to run. Actually it was really starting to STING. I was just about to go the washroom and rub the eyeliner off when a song came on, it was THE song, it was MY SONG! It was the song I had danced to every night in my bedroom. I got on my knee and prayed to Jennifer Beales for courage. I had moves for this song, AWESOME moves! With burning eyes I took to the floor with the confidence of a drunken wedding singer. I started slow, finding my range — like a boxer. I had to wait for the right moment in the song to explode. I slowly bounced around the floor, rope-a-doping the crowd. And then it hit… …to be continued in the next Piffle!!
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May 2012
PUNS FOR THE EDUCATED MINDS Submitted by Trevor Batstone
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. 2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’ 15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
optical Aleutian
18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
In feudalism it’s your count that votes. 19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption. 5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery. 6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. 7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
got a taste of religion. 20. I you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine. 21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’ 22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says ‘Dam!’ 23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it. 10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too. 24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, “I’ve
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
lost my electron.” The other says “Are
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in
you sure?” The first replies, “Yes, I’m
the hallway. One hat said to the other: “You stay here; I’ll go on a head.” 13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
positive.” 25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
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Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
May 2012
13
26. There was the person who sent ten puns
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was
to friends, with the hope that at least
still curious. “ I have never heard of that
one of the puns would make them laugh.
condition before” he said. “Are you taking
No pun in ten did.
anything for it?” The woman nodded, “Pepper.”
Sneezing On the Airplane Submitted by Jim Nicholas
A man and a woman were sitting beside
Writer Blues Q: Why was the story writer kept in prison?
each other in the first class section of an
A: Because he hadn’t finished his
airplane.
sentence.
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered
SMILE
for ten to fifteen seconds.
Submitted by Trevor Batstone
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. After autopsy, the coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. The Coroner tells the Inspector: “First body:
cold, the man was still curious about the
An Italian, 60, died of heart failure while with
shuddering. A few more minutes passed when
his mistress. Hence the enormous smile.”
the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever more than before. Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, “I couldn’t help
Second body: “Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky, died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.” The Inspector asked, “What of the third body?” “Ah,” says the coroner, “This is the most
but notice that you’ve sneezed three times,
unusual one. Danny Earl, the Newfie, 30,
wiped your nose and then shuddered violently.
struck by lightning.” “Why is he smiling then,” inquires the
Are you OK?” “I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.”
Inspector. Says the coroner… “Thought he was having his picture taken.”
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May 2012 NEW CEO A large company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to demonstrate his decision making ability and wanted to immediately take action to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, “How much money do you make a week?” A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, “I make $300 a week. Why?” The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, “Here’s four weeks’ pay, now GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE and don’t come back.” Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, “Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?” From across the room came a voice, “Yeah, he’s the delivery guy from Domino’s Pizza.”
THE CABBIE AND THE CAT A couple is dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They phone for a cab, turn on a night light, cover their pet parakeet and put the cat out in the back yard. The taxi arrives, and they open the front door to leave. Suddenly the cat they put out scoots back into the house. They don’t want the cat shut in there because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes back in. The cat runs upstairs, with the man in hot pursuit. The wife doesn’t want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the Another fine “time distraction” brought to you by your local Piffle Magazine.
taxi driver that her husband will be out soon.
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
May 2012
15
“He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.” A few minutes later the husband gets into the cab. “Sorry I took so long,” he says, as they drive away. “Stupid hag was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard! The cab driver hit a parked car.
SHEEP HERD There was a blonde who was sick of all the blonde jokes. One day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the sheep herder over. “Tell you what. I have a proposition for you,” said the woman. “If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?” “Sure,” said the sheep herder. So, she sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied “382”. “Wow” said the herder. “That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home.” So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car. Then, the herder said, “Okay, now I have a proposition for you”. “What is it” queried the woman. “If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?”
THE KEY He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
POET’S CORNER
with Poet Laureate New We
CANDICE JAMES
stminster
Hyack Fest
May 18–26, 2012 by Janet Kvammen ©2012 Let us celebrate, the Hyack Fest is here! Back to back spring weekends bloom with excitement So much to do, so much to see, Friday concert, fireworks colour the River Market sky, The weekend brings Multicultural Day and Antique fair, The commemorative Hyack pin is a collector’s dream. May Day is a tradition held dear since 1870, With the crowning of the May Queen dressed all in white. Uptown Live! promises performers, dance and song, A radiant glow paints the city with shine. Miss New Westminster represents our Royal City with flair, For civic spirit, New West is simply the best. The Ancient and Honourable Anvil Battery Salute Dedicated to the memory of Queen Victoria on her birthday. The 21 booms blast through the Queen’s Park crowd, With fingers in ears, vibrations are felt from head to toe, Hyack means “Hurry Up”, we laugh at the car alarms set off, With much pomp and circumstance, anvils hurl into the air, A historical event such as this is not to be missed. The annual Hyack Parade brings such fun, It’s a favourite Royal City treat Enjoyed by one and all beneath the warm May sun, Folks of all ages gather along Sixth Street, Children delight at the sight With much clapping and waving of hands, The police motorcycle drill team starts it off right, Vets, cadets, ambassadors, floats and marching bands, Cheer spreads at the pirate’s cannon roar! The carnival atmosphere creates a perfect day, The community unites together, spirits soar. Anticipation grows with more amusement coming your way. The Hyack Festival is a Royal City classic, A true jewel in the crown of New Westminster.
New West Poets: please submit your “New West” poems for this column to candicejames@shaw.ca or call 778-322-1131 for info.
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May 2012
Sargent’s City Scene Hyack Festival Hospitality Weekend — Get Fired Up for Hyack! Many of our friends from the Northwest Festival Hosting circuit have visited our Royal City to attend past festivals, and continue to come back year after year. For those that have never had the opportunity to experience one of our previous 40 festivals, we welcome you to our 41st with our renowned “Hyack Hospitality”. New Westminster is called the Royal City and the locals live up to the name by treating visitors like royalty.
Upcoming Events • 41st Annual Lowe’s Hyack Festival Week May 18, 7:00pm – May 27, 12:00am • DiverseCity Multicultural Festival May 19, 12:00pm – 6:00pm • The Ancient and Honourable Hyack Anvil Battery Salute May 21, 11:30am
DiverseCity Multicultural Festival New Westminster’s Multicultural Festival will be held on Saturday, May 19th and is produced by the Downtown New Westminster
Business Improvement Association in partnership with the Hyack Festival Association. The Westminster Quay boardwalk comes alive with the music and food of the region’s many diverse cultural communities. Visit http://www.downVtownnewwest.ca/ for more information. Saturday, May 19, 12:00pm – 6:00pm
The 2012 Hyack International Parade presented by Key West Ford The 41st annual Hyack Festival culminates with the famous Hyack International Parade presented by Key West Ford featuring British Columbia’s largest family-oriented parade with over 130 entries from throughout BC and the Pacific Northwest. An estimated annual crowd of 40,000 line the streets of uptown New Westminster to enjoy the pageantry of the many floats, marching bands and colourful performers on display. Saturday, May 26, 2012 - 11:00am
Piffle March Math Quiz In the March edition of Piffle, readers were challenged to answer a math quiz.
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The following were some of the first to answer. Ivy-Jean Staats, Raymond Bedry, Alison Nishihara, Graeme Francis, Dr. Dommisse, Cindy Li, Jean Claude. I was impressed that a 10 year old would take on the challenge and have re-printed Cindy’s letter below: Dear Editor, My name is Cindy,10 years old and I have found the answer to “are there any retired math teachers out there with time to find the answer?” (March Piffle, by the way, I love Piffle.) The answer to the question is that since $30.00 - $3.00 = $27.00. The $27 is how much the 3 men spent in all. You should not add the $2 tip to $27, you should subtract it. $27-$2 = $25.00… how much the drinks cost.
City to Move Ahead with Construction of Downtown Office Tower In a move to continue revitalization efforts underway in the downtown, the City of New Westminster is proceeding with construction of the office tower component of the new multi-use civic facility (MUCF) on Columbia Street. The move will ensure that the many opportunities the office tower will bring, including employment, downtown revitalization and project efficiencies, are realized for the community. continued on next page
911 — YOUR CONNECTION TO POLICE, FIRE AND AMBULANCE
911 is for police, fire or medical emergencies when immediate action is required: someone’s health, safety or property is in jeopardy or a crime is in progress. 911 call-takers cannot provide information on the weather, power outages or municipal services. Please use 911 responsibly — it is not an information line. Don’t call 911 and ask for the “non-emergency” phone number. Those numbers are located on the front cover of your phone book. You can also dial directory assistance (411) and retrieve a number. Please use 911 responsibly — it is not an information line.
STAY ON THE LINE
When an E-Comm 911 call-taker answers, they will ask you if you need “police” “fire” or “ambulance.” The call-taker will also confirm which municipality you are calling from. Once you indicate which service you need, your call will be immediately transferred. Stay on the line and follow instructions. Your 911 call taker will stay on the line with you to make sure your call is answered by the agency you need.
KNOW YOUR LOCATION
• Know your location at all times and communicate it when you are asked. • Location is particularly important if you are calling from a cell phone (cell phones provide only general location information) or an internet phone (VoIP) (no location information). • You should know what city you are in, building or home addresses, cross streets, and any other information that will help emergency personnel find you. • Learn your compass directions (north, south, east, west).
BE PREPARED TO ANSWER QUESTIONS
The call-takers are experienced “question askers” and their persistence is based on a need to provide accurate and specific information to the attending emergency responders.
LISTEN CAREFULLY, SPEAK CLEARLY AND TRY TO REMAIN CALM
Please understand that while call-takers are asking you questions, they are relaying vital information electronically to the dispatchers and emergency personnel on their way to help you.
IF YOU CALL 911 ACCIDENTALLY
• If you dial 911 accidentally, stay on the line and tell us. If you hang up we don’t know if you are okay and will have to call back or send police to check on you. • Don’t program 911 into your telephone — speed dials can lead to accidental 911 calls. • Keep your cell phone in a safe position when not in use, to prevent accidental calls. • Please do not test 911 to see if it’s working.
FOR MORE INFORMATION VISIT, ECOMM911.CA Your New Westminster Fire and Rescue Services cares about you and your safety! If you require further information, please visit our website at: www.newwestcity.ca or call the Fire Prevention Division at 604-519-1004
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May 2012
Piffle’s MATH MADNESS
Try to fill in the missing numbers. Use the numbers 1 through 9 to complete the equations. Each number is only used once. Each row is a math equation. Each column is a math equation. Remember that multiplication and division are performed before addition and subtraction. Solution on page 22.
Piffle’s NUMBER BLOCKS Solution from page 10
“The MUCF/office tower project is a critical component of revitalization efforts that are starting to show real results in our downtown,” said Mayor Wayne Wright. “By ensuring construction of 100,000-plus square feet of class-A LEED Gold office space goes ahead, we are elevating benefits the project will bring while creating an asset for the City.” The office tower project at the gateway to downtown New Westminster at 8th and Columbia Streets is connected to the development of the MUCF, currently underway. While the MUCF is being funded through a Development Assistance Compensation agreement between the City of New Westminster, Province of British Columbia, Lottery Corporation of British Columbia and Starlight Casinos, the office tower construction costs will be financed by the City. “There is no question that New Westminster is increasingly on the radar screens of businesses and developers as a centrally located hub with five rapid transit stations linking us to the rest of Metro Vancouver,” said Wright. “We want to build on that by creating opportunities to broaden the employment base in the downtown area, increasing its vitality and returning it to its former glory when our downtown was known as the Golden Mile.”
THE VISITOR By Glenn Jones
#26-8720 Forest Grove Drive, Burnaby BC V5A 4C9 | 604-433-3986 | E-mail: glenn-jones@shaw.ca
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Benefits and opportunities that the MUCF/office tower project will bring to New Westminster include: • 156 direct employment positions and 44 indirect employment positions during planning and construction and 525 FTE positions after the office tower is built • Up to 250 FTE positions created in the downtown through the MUCF/office tower restaurant/retail component and spin-off employment • New customers for new and existing retail in the downtown • New clients for the civic facility and conference centre • Realization of transit hub/regional town centre goals established for the area when Expo Line SkyTrain was built nearly three decades ago • Increased role of MUCF/office tower as an activity precinct adding to downtown revitalization momentum underway
• Increased revenue from property taxes (estimated at $50 million over 50 years) • Ability to use office parking for MUCF during nonbusiness hours • Creation of an asset that the City can sell later or hold as a lease revenue stream
“This is a great project that will reap dividends for our community for years to come,” said Wright. “We’ve taken huge strides in livability and revitalization in New Westminster over the past decade and we’re going to ensure we continue on the right track.” The MUCF/office tower project was officially launched in September 2011. While much interest has been shown in the office tower project to date, a partnership agreement hasn’t been concluded as yet that would satisfy all of the goals, benefits and objectives the City wants to see generated for the community. Ensuring the office tower is continued on next page
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May 2012
FREE CARWASH WITH THIS OFFER!
completed in conjunction with the MUCF will allow the City to continue with construction timelines and meet key project milestones while providing greater control over the construction schedule. The anticipated completion date for the MUCF/office tower project is Spring 2014. The total budget includes $41.5 million for MUCF construction, $12.5 million for parking and $33 million for the office tower component.
Local MP Julian Named as Energy and Natural Resources Critic Peter Julian, MP for Burnaby-New Westminster has been recently named to the Shadow Cabinet by the NDP’s new Official Opposition leader Tom Mulcair, having been handed the major economic fiscal portfolio of Energy and Natural Resources. ”I’ve been honoured to serve in a variety of economic and fiscal portfolios since I was elected in 2004, first as a Treasury Board critic and later as long time International Trade critic under the previous Parliaments”, said Julian. “When the NDP became the Official Opposition in May 2011 under Jack Layton’s leadership, I was named as Industry critic. Then Interim Leader, Nicole Turmel appointed me to the Finance portfolio. And now to be named to the new combined portfolios of Energy and Natural Resources is a real privilege”, said Julian.
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The Energy and Natural Resources Shadow Ministry covers industries that account for over 30% of Canadian exports and nearly 14% of Canada’s GDP. With Treasury Board, International Trade, Finance and Industry, it is one of the five big economic and fiscal portfolios in the Shadow Cabinet. “This is a critical area for Canada as we find ourselves victimized by the Harper government’s decision to shut down environmental assessments as well as continue to ship our resources off-shore without any value added processing. Rather than maximizing the potential of sustainable development of Canada’s resources, this government chooses to erode Canadian jobs”, concluded Julian.
New Westminster Earth Hour Delivers Results
our community was engaged in Earth Hour and its message and I look forward to us doing even better in the years to come.” Earth Hour is an annual global event organized by the World Wildlife Fund and supported by communities around the globe. The City of New Westminster has supported Earth Hour since 2008, encouraging residents to turn off any unnecessary lights in an effort to reduce power use and demonstrate their support for climate change awareness efforts.
Seinfeld, Soup and Lacrosse The Seinfeld Soup Nazi will be serving up soup at Greens and Beans Deli on May 19 from 10 am – 3pm. All proceeds are going to The New Westminster Junior and Intermediate Lacrosse Teams. The address is 143 E. Columbia. Call 604-777-0998 for more information. continued on next page
City residents reduced their electricity consumption during Earth Hour this year, delivering improved results over 2011 and above this year’s provincial average. New Westminster experienced a reduction in consumption of 2.19% during Earth Hour 2012 while BC Hydro has reported an overall reduction of 1.67% provincewide. In 2011, New Westminster experienced a reduction in consumption of 1.49%. “I’m very proud of our results this year,” said Mayor Wayne Wright. “The statistics show that Burnaby / New West
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May 2012
13TH ANNUAL EDMONDS SPRING CLEAN SWEEP
LIZA’S
HOROSCOPES May 2012
For an In-depth Personal Reading, go to www.lizakolbuck.com
ARIES: Watch for conflicts within partnerships this month; both personally & professionally. Thinking before you talk is important. TAURUS: Your very assertive this month and its a good time to show the world what you can do. Just don’t be to aggressive, it could backfire. GEMINI: Physical relations are important to you this month. You may find the mate of your dreams or scare them away with your strong personality. CANCER: This month its a good time to do those home renovations. You do your best work out of your home. LEO: You discover just how much love there really is in your life this month. You find beauty in your every day surrounding. VIRGO: Don’t judge yourself by what you own. However, it is a good month to put your energy into making money, just be wise about it. LIBRA: Your a star at charming people and this month you pull out all the stops. You put pleasure before work this month.
Saturday, May 5 Main Location: Parking lot behind Gordon’s Presbyterian Church, 7457 Edmonds Street, Burnaby. Second Location: Edmonds SkyTrain Station (register with the Byrne Creek Streamkeepers Society). Registration: 9:45 am Clean Sweep: 10:00 am – 12:00 noon BBQ: 12:00 noon at the Church All equipment provided. We welcome all residents and businesses. Come and have some fun. Help clean up your Community and meet your neighbours. Refreshments will be provided to all participants. Rain or shine!
Car Trunk Sale
Saturday, June 2, 9:00 am – 2:00 pm Move it from your garage to your trunk! Load up your car, truck or minivan with USED ITEMS you no longer need and stake your claim in our parking lot. Call Edmonds Community Centre, 604-297-4400 in advance to reserve your spot, receive guidelines and select location. View map at centre. Free admission for buyers. • $12.57 Parking stall rental • $18.33 Stall & table rental • $5.76 table only
SCORPIO: Being assertive this month will not work in your favour. Step back and listen before speaking your mind. SAGITTARIUS: Think about your goals and actively pursue them this month. Put your energy into your dreams and they will more than likely come true.
Piffle’s MATH MADNESS
CAPRICORN: You may find your superiors tick you off this month. Better to just get the job done amidst all the turmoil and avoid the aggravation. AQUARIUS: You either have travel or education on your mind this month. Why not try them both and expand your horizons. PISCES: Keep issues regarding other people’s money to a minimum. However, if people owe you money, now is the time to try to get it back.
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
Solution from page 18
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
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May 2012
Julian Tables Bill C-402 for Better Protection of Bus Drivers OTTAWA – Peter Julian, MP (BurnabyWestminster), has re-tabled a Private Member’s Bill in the House of Commons to allow for harsher penalties for those who attack transit workers, increasing the maximum possible sentence to twenty years under the Criminal Code. “We are continuing our strong message to the federal government that Canadians do not tolerate attacks on transit workers. Bus drivers and transit workers are vulnerable, and are increasingly the victims of violent assault,” said Julian. “While police, fire, and ambulance personnel all have additional protection under the Criminal Code while performing their duties, transit workers do not. Bus drivers are responsible for public safety during the course of their job, and deserve the protection.”
OPEN MIC
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MAY 13, 1:00PM
Children’s Book Author of WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE? and IF I WAS THE MAYOR
Every year there are more reports of assaults against transit workers. In 2010 there were 150 assaults reported by bus drivers in Vancouver. Winnipeg Transit decided to outfit their buses with shatterproof shields around drivers after suffering 70 assaults in three months, compared to 70 assaults the entire year before. In Toronto it is estimated that two TTC employees are assaulted every day. The Canadian Auto Workers Union and the Amalgamated Transit Union of Canada support bill C-402 and have long called for stricter penalties for assaults against transit workers. “Attacks against bus drivers put not only the driver in danger but everyone on or around the bus as well. Transit workers are at a much higher risk of being assaulted than the average Canadian, with an average of five bus drivers being assaulted every day the federal government needs to give transit workers better protection”, said Julian.
JERRY EARL, A PROFESSIONAL ENTERTAINER PRESENTS A DYNAMIC PERFORMANCE VOCAL SYSTEM WORKSHOP HERE AT RENAISSANCE BOOKS STORE THURSDAY, MAY 24 FROM 7:00PM-9:30 PM
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The History of Video Games in BC
The History of Video Games in BC is the newest exhibition which opens at the New Westminster Museum on May 2 and runs through until October 14. This familyfriendly exhibition traces the global history of video games and highlights the frenetic, and sometimes fractured, world of video game hardware and software made in the province. Starting with the game “Evolution” in 1983, British Columbia has become a hotbed for video game development. “Pong,” the first commercially successful arcade game, was also the simplest possible game. Its terse instructions were: “avoid missing ball for high score.” Today’s kids, accustomed to joysticks, stunning graphics and complex multiplayer games, will be amazed at the early games. As part of the exhibit, guest curator Ryan Cousineau also presents two Video Game Play Days on July 7 and August 11 (1:00 - 3:00 pm, limited space, pre-register by calling 604.527.4640). “It’s a chance for kids to see the video games their parents used to play, with some of the greatest (and worst!) console games, on the original equipment,” says Cousineau. Ryan Cousineau is an audiovisual technology specialist at Douglas College. He has been an avid video game player since his family bought their first game system, an Atari 2600. He worked in the game industry, but only peripherally, as a tester of joysticks and game-pads. The New Westminster Museum is located at 302 Royal Avenue, New Westminster, BC, behind historic Irving House. The Museum, Irving House and the Samson V Maritime Museum are open to the public Wednesday through Sunday, 12 noon – 5 pm (summer hours from May to August). Admission is by donation. For more information, call 604-5274640 or go to http://www.newwestpcr.ca/culture/ City Scene End museum_and_archives.php.
Is this thing on? (Not yet, but soon.) Calling all comedians, Piffle Magazine is working on Piffle Gigs, a free directory to help promote comedians and their upcoming gigs. Sign up to the mailing list to be notified when Gigs gets launched.
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May 2012 TH “E” WEDDING Did you hear about the two radio antennas that got married?
Honestly driven. 604-517-1230 oktirenw@shaw.ca 325A 12th Street New Westminster
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The wedding was terrible, but the reception was excellent! An open letter to New Westminster City Council.
THE DOOR TO DOOR SALESMAN An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet. He says, “Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn’t do wonders cleaning this up, I’ll eat every chunk of it.” She turns to him with a smirk and says, “You want ketchup on that?”
Bill Radbourne & First Lady Lynn Radbourne
The salesman says, “Why do you ask?” She says, “We just moved in and we haven’t got the electricity turned on yet.”
MAN’S BEST FRIENDS Friendship between women: A woman doesn’t come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend’s house. The husband calls his wife’s 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it. Friendship between men: A man doesn’t come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The wife calls her husband’s 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was
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Locker Room A group of guys are in a locker room, when a cell phone rings. One of them picks it up. Man: “Hello?”
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Woman: “Honey it’s me. Are you at the club?” Man: “Yes.” Woman: “Well, I have news. The house we wanted is back on the market. They are asking $950,000.” Man: “Well then, go ahead and make an offer, but make it $1.2 million so we’ll be sure to get it.” Woman: “Okay, I’ll see you later. I love you!” Man : “Bye, I love you too.” The man hangs up. Then he asks, “Anyone know who’s phone this is ?”
Hollywood Squares These great questions and answers are from the days when the Hollywood Squares game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.
DIPLOMA & CERTIFICATE PROGRAMS
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QUIET A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?” One bright little girl replied, “Because people are sleeping.”
PUTTING ON POUNDS When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, “Mummy, you are getting fat!” I replied, “Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy.” “I know,” she replied, but what’s growing in your bum?”
CLOCK When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
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May 2012
WASHING YOUR CAT
is above the water line. You have just
1.
First… dress for the occasion. A 4-ply
begun the wildest 45 seconds of your life.
rubber wet suit is suggested, along with a
Remember that cats have no handles and
helmet, face mask and welders gloves.
add the fact that he now has soapy fur.
2. A Bathtub with a glass enclosure is preferred to the one with a shower curtain. A frenzied cat can shred one of these in about 3.5 seconds. 3. Have the Kitty Bubbles and towel in the
His state of shock has worn off and he’s madder than a wet hornet. 7. As best, you can, wearing welder’s gloves, try to field his body as he catapults through the air toward the ceiling. If
enclosed bathtub area before hand. No…
possible, give another squirt of Kitty
blow drying the cat after the bath is not
Bubbles with his body now fully exposed.
suggested.
8. During the 5 seconds you are able to
4. Draw the water, making it a little warmer
hold onto him, rub vigorously. No need to
than needed as you still need to find the
worry about rinsing. As he slides down
cat. Position everything strategically in
the glass enclosure into the tub, he will
the shower, so you can reach it even if
fall back into the water, rinsing himself in
you are face down or prone in the tub.
the process.
5. Find your cat. Use the element of
9. Only attempt the lather and rinse process
surprise. Pick the cat up, nonchalantly, as
about 3 times. The cat will realise the
if you were simply carrying him/her to the
lack of traction on the glass by then and
supper dish. No need to worry about the
will use the next attempt on the first
cat noticing your strange attire… the cat
available part of you.
barely notices you anyway. 6. Once you and the cat are inside the
10. Next, the cat must be dried. No...this is NOT the easiest part. By this stage, you
bathroom… speed is essential. In one
are worn out and the cat has just become
single liquid motion shut the door to the
semi-permanently affixed to your right leg.
bathroom, step into the shower, close
We suggest here that you drain the tub
the sliding doors, and drop the cat
and in full view of your cat, reach for the
into the water. While the cat is still
bottle of Kitty Bubbles.
in a state of shock, locate the Kitty Bubbles and squirt whatever part of him
11. If you have done step 10 correctly, the cat will be off your leg and hanging
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
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29
precariously from your helmet. Although this view of the cat is most disgusting, he will be in a much better position for wrapping the towel around him. 12. Be sure cat is firmly wrapped in towel before opening tub enclosure. Open bathroom door… put towel wrapped cat on floor and step back quickly. Into tub, if possible, and do not open enclosure until all you can see is the shredded towel. 13. In about 2 hours… it will be safe to exit
Know your limit, play within it.
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the bathroom. 14. Your cat will be sitting out there somewhere looking like a small hedgehog while plotting revenge.
MAY
MAY
PUTTING ON POUNDS When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, “Mummy, you are getting fat!” I replied, “Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy.” “I know,” she replied, but what’s growing in your bum?”
MAY
MAY
MAY
KITCHEN OPEN THURSDAY TO SUNDAY FOR DINNER
NAILS PLEASE I’d like some nails,” Mick requested of the ravelling tinker. “How long would you like them”
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asked the man. “Forever, if that’s all right with you,” said Mick.
WHAT’S WRONG WITH MURPHY? “What’s wrong with Murphy,” asked Father
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swallowed a spoon and he hasn’t stirred since,” said Mrs. Murphy.
FLASH He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
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May 2012 THE PET STORE PARROT A man was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, “Hey buddy, you are really ugly.” Well, the guy is furious!
WELCOMES ITS NEWEST TENANT
On the way home he saw the same parrot and it said to him, “He buddy, you are really ugly.” He was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to him “Hey buddy, you are really, really ugly.”
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The guy was so ticked that he went into the store and warned he would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn’t say it again. When the guy walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to him, ”Hey buddy.” He paused and said, ”Yes?” The bird said, “You know.”
GRANDMA I was out walking with my 4-year-old Granddaughter. She picked up something off of the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked
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her not to do that. “Why” my Granddaughter asked. “Because it’s been on the ground; you don’t know where it’s been, it’s dirty, and probably has germs,” I replied. At this point, my Granddaughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, “Grandma, how do you know all this stuff?
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You are so smart.” I was thinking quickly. “All Grandmas know this stuff. It’s on the Grandma Test. You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a Grandma.” We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. “Oh… I get it” she beamed.
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
May 2012
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NEED A PAINTER?
“So if you don’t pass the test you have to be the Grandpa.” “Exactly,” I replied with a big smile on my face.
WHAT A WASTE A tightwad was convinced by a friend to buy a couple of lottery tickets. But after he won the big prize he didn’t seem happy. “What’s wrong” the friend asked. “You just became a millionaire!” “I know,” he groaned, “But I can’t imagine why I bought that second ticket!”
I BEAT MY DOG A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. “I can hardly believe my eyes” he exclaimed. “That’s the smartest dog I’ve ever seen.” “Nah, he’s not so smart,” the friend replied.
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Any sized job… big or small! The Holy Rollers are able to do any small repair and maintenance that is necessary before your paint job. Due to a variety of reasons, many people face challenges when attempting to re-enter the workplace, and the Holy Rollers were started by The Salvation Army New Westminster and Tri-Cities in 2010 to help men and women learn a trade, and get back into the workforce. Our painters are trained under experienced painters that assist and supervise them with every job. Contact Wayne for a quote! Phone: 604-521-2421 Email: wayne_tugwood@shaw.ca
“I’ve beaten him three games out of five.”
RAISIN Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET Something you tell to one person at a time.
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OLD I very quietly confided to my friend that I was having an affair. She turned to me and asked, “Are you having it catered?” And that is the definition of OLD!
DEBT You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
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ADULT A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
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May 2012
KARAOKE NIGHTS FREE MEAT BINGO Thursday, Friday & Saturday Nights
Thursdays
MEAT DRAWS & 50/50 DRAWS Fridays & Saturdays
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