Piffle Magazine 2012-06 by Sargent's Piffle

Photo by Gabor Gasztonyi

June 2012 | Your community humour magazine | issue 141

P16

Key West Ford general manager Adam Isfeld with his son IT technician Joel Isfeld, in a superhot 427 Ford Cobra.

YOUR DIABETES RESOURCE CENTRE

WE ARE OPEN Mon to Thur 9am – 7pm Fri 9am – 6pm Sat 9am – 4pm Sun 9am – 3pm

981 Carnarvon St New Westminster

604-523-6767

For a free market analysis contact

FAREEN ASHAK

REAL ESTATE REPRESENTATIVE cell: 604-512-4423 email: fareen@telus.net

One Percent Realty Full MLS service with a fraction of the cost!

June 2012

Fin Donnelly, MP

New Westminster – Coquitlam & Port Moody Serving Our Community

Need help with federal issues such as E.I., Income Tax, Canada Pension and Canada Student Loan? Please contact Fin Donnelly’s Community office for assistance. Fin Donnelly’s Community Office: 1116 Austin Avenue, Coquitlam, BC, V3K 3P5

Phone: 604-664-9229 l Email: fin.donnelly@parl.gc.ca l www.FinDonnelly.ca

L D S F E B A C R E P U S O D

T R K U I D H I J H K N C A K

H O E C C E G S H O O M A D F

H F P W A O S E X I I F R E O

P T A M C B F T S T S J N L F

H S C U O N H U A R C I V C L

B E S S U I F C O A H K G D R

C W E T P V B T T S T S A Y W

D Y B A E A I R D A V J S Z M

X E X N W T U N S Q H V W C C

O K W G A X A P D A C M A T M

U G T N Q W O O N A D E S N E

P K I K O R Q C W T T E I E K

Y U G H T R A R P M L D E V C

M B S R A N G E R L T D L P K

WORD SEARCH COUPE EDGE ESCAPE FIESTA FOCUS FUSION HATCHBACK KEYWESTFORD MUSTANG RANGER SEDAN SHOWANDSHINE SPORT SUPERCAB TITANIUM

Peter Julian, MP Burnaby – New Westminster Serving Our Community

Need help with federal issues such as E.I., Income Tax, Canada Pension and Canada Student Loan? Please contact Peter Julian’s Community office for assistance. Peter Julian’s Community Office: 7615 Sixth Street, Burnaby, BC V3N 3M6

Phone: 604-775-5707 l Email: peter.julian.c1@parl.gc.ca l www.PeterJulian.ca

Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland

June 2012

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Call 604-524-0500 • 7882 6th St, Burnaby Funny Bones by Jones Magazine Locally Owned & Published Fourth ﬂoor, 604 Columbia St New Westminster, BC V3M 1A5

Chris Sargent Owner & Publisher, Sales Email: publisher@piﬄe.ca

604-525-9027 Catch them while they’re laughing!

Cliff Blank

Graphic Design, Marketing Email: production@piﬄe.ca

604-600-4405

Photography: Gabor Gasztonyi, Trevor Batstone, Darren Lulka

Glenn Jones would like to hear from his fans. E-mail him at funnybones.by.jones@gmail.com.

piffle.ca

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June 2012

Century House News IMBY Fair: June 2

Connecting seniors to services at River Market When Marg and Barry McKee retired to New Westminster from Ottawa several years ago, the “IMBY Fair” was where they learned about dozens of services and community opportunities available for seniors. A few years later, Marg says, “In just an hour or two, I made connections with so many different people who work with seniors! Barry and I are now happily active with Century House and Fraser River Discovery Centre. I also enjoy my role as pastpresident of SPAN: Seniors Planning & Action Network New Westminster 50+. Barry did a fabulous update of the online New Westminster Directory of Seniors Services, which is on the www.seniorsservicessociety.ca website.”

New Westminster has a thriving seniors population. In the uptown and downtown neighbourhoods alone, nearly 19% of residents are 65 and older. In My Back Yard: IMBY Fair – Connecting Seniors to Services is a one-stop chance to meet with not-for-profit service providers offering health, housing, transportation and other services for older adults. Since 2008, more than 900 seniors have attended this annual information fair, which has been held at different locations to reach people from across the community. This year, River Market at the Quay is generously hosting the event on Saturday June 2, from 9:30 a.m. to 1:00 p.m. Exhibitors will be on both floors of the Market. At 10:30 in the upstairs conference room, Seniors Services Society will present an information session, Housing 101 – Options for low-income seniors. Ring Master students at Vancouver Circus School will showcase their talents with a performance at 11:15 a.m. Parking will be free from 8:00 a.m. to 2:00 p.m. only on the surface lot west of the market. Check signs to be sure you’re in the right lot! IMBY Fair is coordinated by SPAN and funded in part by United Way of the Lower Mainland. For more information, contact Mariam at 604-515-1718.

newwestminsterfrasers.blogspot.com Now available for sale at Renaissance Books and the New Westminster Museum Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland

June 2012

FISH FRY DAY A monastery decided to start a fish and chips store. When the store opened, a client comes in, and asks one of the clerics: are you the fish fryer? Oh, no, the cleric answers, I’m the chip monk!

MY BROTHER THE CHICKEN Doctor: What’s wrong with your bother? Boy: He thinks he is a chicken.

When your sweet tooth has a say in the matter, and it often does, the Cone Zone is that place.

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Doctor: really? How long has this been going on? Boy: Five years. Doctor: Five years! Boy: We would have brought him in earlier, but we needed the eggs.

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A couple, desperate to conceive a child, went to their priest and asked him to pray for them. “I’m going on a sabbatical to Rome,” he replied, “and while I’m there, I’ll light a candle for you.” When the priest returned three years later, he went to the couple’s house and found the wife pregnant, busily attending to two sets of twins. Elated, the priest asked her

Both include vegetables and potatoes. Mon-Sat all day, no substitutions, one per customer, expires June 30/12

where her husband was so that he could congratulate him. “He’s gone to Rome, to blow that candle out” came the harried reply.

Knock Knock Jokes Knock knock Who’s there? Frank. Frank who?

Happy Father's Day to All!

Frank you for being my friend! Knock knock Who’s there? Howard. Howard who? Howard you like a big kiss?

778-773-0546 Follow me on Twitter!

@BettyM13

bmcintosh@newwestcity.ca www.bettymcintosh.ca

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June 2012

Tired of 9-to-5?

Sherlock Holmes Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a

You CAN stop building someone else’s dream!

camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep.

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Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.” Watson replies, “I see millions of stars.” “What does that tell you?” Watson ponders for a minute. “Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?” Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. “Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent.”

I WAS WONDERING…

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Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland

June 2012

5. If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible? 6. Why isn’t 11 pronounced onety one? 7. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

See you at the opening of Westminster Pier Park on Saturday June 16 11:00 am - 3:00 pm

8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? 9. Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn’t they be wearing night gowns? 10. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? 11. When someone asks you, “A penny for your thoughts,” and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? 12. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Mayor Wayne Wright

Makes Cents Q: What do you call a baby budgie? A: A budget.

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June 2012

Serving New Westminster since 2003. We thank all of you for your continued support of the last nine years!

YOUR DIABETES RESOURCE CENTRE

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Visit us ONLINE at ImperialPharmacy.ca

June 2012

SAPPERTON DAY STREET FESTIVAL June 10, 11:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m.

A non-profit community event that brings over 10,000 visitors into Sapperton, admission is FREE! Proceeds go to the Royal Columbian Hospital Foundation. Enjoy Live Music, Craft Fair, Market Place and much more!

Chest Thrift Store at 435 6th Street between 4th and 5th Avenues and Sapperton Old Age Pensioners Assoc. Hall- Caretaker’s Office 315 Keary Street. Access is from the alley. We hope to be collecting children’s glasses through the schools in the near future. Thank you and if you have any questions please contact Joan McLean at 604-862-0242 or by email joan1mclean@shaw.ca

HELPLINE FOR SENIORS

If you are interested in helping out, please register as a volunteer by calling 604-5191066 or emailing Sandy Kalra at skalra@newwestcity.ca.

BC211 and the United Way are reaching out to seniors across the Lower Mainland to encourage them to try their safe, free, confidential, and multilingual helpline. Operators are available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week to provide free information about services and resources specifically for seniors. If you are a senior looking for recreational, home support, meals-on-wheels, or simply looking into retirement services, BC211 can help. Simply dialling 2-1-1 will bring information and assistance courtesy of the 211 helpline. With more than 500 resources in their database specific to seniors, the 211 line provides a valuable service.

ANNUAL ROYAL CITY SHOW & SHINE Sunday July 8, 10:00 a.m. to 6:00 p.m. Downtown New Westminster Admission is free to the public, to register your vehicle is $25.00. The popular event that really shines is once again rolling into Downtown New Westminster.

LIONS RECYCLE FOR SIGHT

Lions Eyeglass Recycling Center receives eyeglasses that are collected by Lions from coast to coast in Canada and are processed in partnership with the Calgary Correctional Center. Lions have been doing this for over 80 years. One goal is to meet the demand for quality eyeglasses in developing nations and it brings sight to those in the greatest need. We receive both plastic and metal frames but not eyeglass cases. The eyeglasses are carefully sanitized, hand dried, inspected and repaired where necessary. They are then read for prescription and placed into a ziploc bag and sent to organizations within Canada for overseas missions. We the New Westminster Lions Club would be happy for people to donate any glasses they want to get rid of to us. It would be greatly appreciated and we have 4 drop off areas. They are Lady of Mercy School on 10th Avenue, Youth Center at Moody Park, The Treasure

Volunteers are needed on this day to assist in a variety of areas. There are two areas to volunteer: Wayfinder or General Event Volunteer. Please be specific when you register. Wayfinders will be positioned in the streets and parkade surrounding the park to help direct attendees to the event. General event volunteers will help with parking, food services, children and youth events.

VOLUNTEERS NEEDED FOR WESTMINSTER PIER PARK OPENING CELEBRATIONS

Come and join in the fun! 100s of cool cars, tons of live entertainment, great food and fun for the whole family. All along Columbia Street in Downtown New Westminster! Presented by Key West Ford, the Downtown New West BIA and the City of New Westminster.

On Saturday, June 16, the City of New Westminster will be celebrating the official opening of Westminster Pier Park from 11:00 a.m. to 3:00 p.m. Residents, dignitaries and media will be invited to join us for the grand opening ceremonies accompanied with an afternoon of main stage entertainment, recreational activities in the Kids’ & Sports Zones, amazing food from River Market vendors and lots more.

MONDAY TO THURSDAY 9AM – 7PM | FRIDAY 9AM – 6PM SATURDAY 9AM – 4PM | SUNDAY 9AM – 3PM

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©Cliff Blank

June 2012 USEFUL MILITARY WARNINGS 1. “Aim towards the Enemy.” (Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher) 2. “When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.” (U.S. Army) 3. “Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground.” (U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop) 4. “If the enemy is in range, so are you.” (Infantry Journal) 5. “A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what’s left of your

What area of the city was named after the royal engineers?

unit.” (Army’s magazine of preventive maintenance) 6. “It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.” (U.S. Air Force Manual) 7. “Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.” (Infantry Journal)

Piffle’s NUMBER BLOCKS

8. “Tracers work both ways.” (U.S. Army Ordnance) 9. “Five-second fuses only last three seconds.” (Infantry Journal) 10. “Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid.” (Col. David Hackworth) 11. “If your attack is going too well, you’re probably walking into an ambush.” (Infantry Journal) 12. “Any ship can be a minesweeper… once.” (Anonymous)

THE MINISTER’S VISIT Little Johnny’s mother was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked fouryear old Johnny to answer the phone. Try to fill in the missing numbers. The missing numbers are integers between 0 and 9. The numbers in each row add up to totals to the right. The numbers in each column add up to the totals along the bottom. The diagonal lines also add up the totals to the right. Solution on page 18.

Little Johnny ran out into the living room and answered the phone. “Mommy, it’s the minister,” he said to his mother.

Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland

June 2012

From the kitchen Johnny’s mom said, “Tell him I’ll call him back.” Little Johnny spoke into the phone saying, “Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.”

SONGS OF THE Sixties, with slight revisions Some of the artists of the 60s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers who can remember doing the “Limbo” as if it were yesterday. They include: • Bobby Darin… Splish, Splash, I Was Havin’ A Flash • Herman’s Hermits… Mrs. Brown, You’ve Got A Lovely Walker • Ringo Starr… I Get By With A Little Help From Depends • The Bee Gees… How Can You Mend A Broken Hip? • Roberta Flack… The First time ever I forgot Your Face • Johnny Nash… I Can’t See Clearly Now. • Paul Simon… Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver • The Commodores… Once, Twice, Three Times To the Bathroom • Procol Harem… A Whiter Shade Of Hair • Leo Sayer… You Make Me Feel Like Napping • The Temptations… Papa’s Got A Kidney Stone • ABBA… Denture Queen “You haven’t seen my teeth have you Wilma?” • Tony Orlando… Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall • Helen Reddy… I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore • Leslie Gore… It’s My Procedure, And I’ll Cry If I Want To And Last but NOT least… • Willie Nelson… On the Commode Again

I leaped into the middle of the dance floor like a monkey escaping the zoo. The only thing I was really escaping was terminal shyness. I was entering the “cool” zone. Unfamiliar territory but I wasn’t backing down. I was wearing pants that were made for dancing, this was my moment! I started throwing down my best moves. I’d never felt so confident in my life. My body was moving faster than an out of control paint mixer! My hips were moving so seductively I think I lost my virginity. I thought “If Mayim Bialik (the star of the hit TV series “Blossom”) could see me now she would definitely be impressed, but also a little fearful that my seductive dance moves could impregnate her.” When I looked down it looked like I had 30 pairs of feet — I was a machine! My arms were swatting the air with a vengeance. Some girl commented, “he looks like he’s being attacked by giant bees, but in rhythm, and very sexy!” I was a tornado of awesome awkward dance moves! I was a dancing Tasmanian devil with cool eyeliner and perfect hair. I could feel that this was my night — my night to leave the dance club with an awesome female on my arm — an awesome female who was also mystified by Chuck Norris’s chest hair and amazing acting ability. Then it happened… The eyeliner attacked me hard! It felt like my eyes were on fire. I was completely blind bouncing around, unintentionally grabbing people inappropriately, and pleading for help! I went from confident and cool to wanting to cry, but I knew if I did it would intensify the pain in my eyes. I heard a guy say “I think he needs medication.” I heard a female voice say “He doesn’t have eyes!” Somebody obviously not in their right mind yelled “He bleeds the black blood! He’s an alien, run for your lives!” It was complete chaos. Out of the chaos came a soothing female voice, who wasn’t intimidated by me or my freak out. The soothing voice guided me into the washroom and helped me wash the pain away. I tried to talk but I became completely tongue tied. Within 15 minutes I had re-entered the “uncool” zone. …to be continued in the next Pifﬂe!!

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June 2012

WHAT NEXT?

Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and

Submitted by Jim Nicholas

everyone within 50 yards was glaring at me.

When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 800

I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a Little loud.

employees, all without a cell phone that

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my

plays music, takes Videos, pictures and

dash board, but that ‘bitch-in-the-box’ inside

communicates with Facebook and Twitter.

that gadget was the most annoying, rudest

I signed up Under duress for Twitter and

person I had run into in a long time. Every 10

Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13

minutes, she would sarcastically say, “Re-

Grand kids and 2 great grand kids could

calc-u-lating.” You would think that she could

communicate with me in the modern way. I

be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate

figured I could handle something as simple as

me. She would let go with a deep sigh and

Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

then tell me to make a U-turn at the next

That was before one of my grand kids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific

light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship. When I get really lost now, I call my wife and

Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends

tell her the name of the cross streets and

every message to my cell phone and every

while she is starting to develop the same tone

other program within the texting world.

as ‘the bitch-in-the-box’ the GPS lady, at

My phone was beeping every three minutes

least she loves me.

with the details of everything except the bowel

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to

movements of the entire next generation. I am

learn how to use the cordless phones in our

not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone

house. We have had them for 4 years, but I

in the garage in my golf bag.

still haven’t figured out how I can lose three

The kids bought me a GPS for my last

phones all at once and have to run around

birthday because they say I get lost every

Digging under chair cushions and checking

now and then going over to the grocery

bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets

store or library. I keep that In a box under

when the phone rings.

my tool bench with the bluetooth (it’s red)

The world is just getting too complex for

phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I

me. They even mess me up every Time I go

wore it once and was standing in line at

to the grocery store. You would think they

Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland

June 2012

could settle on something themselves but this sudden “Paper or Plastic?” every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to

Tuesday Nights OPEN JAM 8pm–11pm with

take them in with me. Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, “Paper or Plastic?” I just say, “Doesn’t matter to me. I am bi-sacksual.” Then it’s their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, “No, but I do toot a lot.”

PIN THIS ON YOUR BULLETIN BOARD AND ENJOY THE LAUGHTER! The town of Llanfair-pwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllanty-siliogogogoch Three tourists were driving through Wales. As they were approaching Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogery-chwyrndrobwllllanty-

MOONRAKERS PUB 525-7th St, New Westminster 604-522-9010

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siliogogogoch, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town’s name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter one asked the blonde employee, “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?

For a free market analysis contact

FAREEN ASHAK

REAL ESTATE REPRESENTATIVE cell: 604-512-4423 email: fareen@telus.net

Would you please pronounce where we are…

One Percent Realty

very slowly?” The girl leaned over the counter and said, “Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiiiing.”

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June 2012

IMAGINATION

WHY IS THAT?

Some people hear voices. Some see

Why does someone believe you when you say

invisible people. Others have no imagination

there are four billion stars, but check when

whatsoever.

you say the paint is wet?

BATH THEOREM

WOMEN’S EQUALITY

When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

THIS MAKES SENSE Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”.

LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you’ll have to pee.

LAW OF TELEPHONE When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

LAW OF PROBABILITY The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

A HUSBAND’S LOGIC I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

LAW OF THE ALIBI If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

VARIATION LAW If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time)

LAW OF CLOSE ENCOUNTERS The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

LAW OF COFFEE As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, someone will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

MURPHY’S LAW OF LOCKERS If there are only two people in a locker room, Another fine “time distraction” brought to you by your local Piffle Magazine.

they will have adjacent lockers.

Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland

June 2012

LAW OF DIRTY RUGS The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

TWO WORDS It was the first day of school after summer vacation. The kids had all arrived in the high school sophomore English class, and were chatting away, making new friends. THEN… In walked a very stern looking English teacher and a hush fell over the room as the kids scurried to their seats. The stern teacher silently panned his gaze across all the kids. After about a minute or so, he spoke… “From the outset, I want you all to know that there are two words that are absolutely unacceptable in this classroom. You cannot use them as you recite, or in any of your papers, tests, or homework. Using these words even once, will get you a failing grade for that quarter. The first one is “gross” and the other one is “cool”. Are there any questions?” After a few moments of silence, this gawky teen at the back of the room raises his hand, and the teacher calls upon him. In a pubescent croaking voice, the kid asks… “So, what are they?”

LIGHT IS FASTER Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

DOLPHINS ARE SMART

POET’S CORNER

with Poet Laureate New We

CANDICE JAMES

stminster

The river has returned to us has been lifted in resurrection out of the stigmata of broken wood, humbled purpose rolled back from underneath the stone of martyred history. We have returned from where we came been re-founded, built new time on tide unsealed the factories, terminals, canneries, rail spurs fished a sturgeon of burnt earth from the Great Fire to have it spilled through the fingers of laughing children: We have gone back — to the mills, the Creamery China Town alive again at the beginning of Sixth to Qayqayt men fishing certain in their aloneness, the forest clasping them to the bank, whole in a silence: We have gone back in all that made us to be re-hatched in Pier Park.

Alan is a New West resident and has just recently released his new poetry book “The Upstairs Country” through Silver Bow Publishing.

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

New West Poets: please submit your “New West” poems for this column to candicejames@shaw.ca or call 778-322-1131 for info.

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June 2012

Sargent’s City Scene Key West Ford: A Family Affair. Story by

Gabor Gasztonyi

Photo by Gabor Gasztonyi

of fresh fruit on the counter next to the coffee machine. There was also another bowl at the information desk. A bit of a change from the candy and soda machines in most dealerships. Adam remarked that customers really enjoyed having healthy snacks available especially for moms and dads who bring their families in on weekends looking for that special vehicle. But that was just typical of Adam’s sales and business philosophy which involves making customers number one and keeping them happy. And a big part of that is also Adam’s belief that to run a good family owned business such as Key West you must keep the employees happy too, so for a day each weekend he provides meals for his employees. You could just

Key West Ford’s Joel Isfeld in the driver’s seat of a snappy new Ford Fiesta.

to have a chat I was just waiting with new Key West

Ford general manager Adam Isfeld in the lounge next to the showroom at their dealership at 301 Stewardson Way and was surprised to see a bowl

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Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland

June 2012

feel that the atmosphere in the whole dealership was a team atmosphere. Dressed in a black Key West shirt and jeans Adam was all over the place from the maintenance shop to the show room floor talking and communicating constantly with his staff and team members. Eventually I did corner him and he said that, “I always have an open door policy here at Key West and I am here to solve problems and meet the needs of customers. If you want me, step into my office.” Well that’s quite a statement from a general manager of a dealership. From my experience they are always inaccessible and hidden behind layers of people. Not at Key West. That’s a refreshing change. Growing up in Manitoba, Adam’s grandparents came to Canada from Iceland and his father is a commercial fisherman in Winnipeg and still fishing for wall-eye in Lake Winnipeg. Adam has great memories of ice-fishing at Christmas with his dad on the lakes around Gimli. He was a prospect for the Brandon Wheat Kings until he injured his back in a game, but his brother Dale went on to play junior hockey in Manitoba. It’s no surprise that Adam is a very keen supporter of the New Westminster Salmon Bellies and his team at Key West is committed to continuing this very important community sponsorship. Being service oriented and customer and community based Adam emphasized how very important the maintenance department at Key West Ford was in providing people with owner satisfaction. Naveen Jit the head of parts and service has been there for ten years, one of the senior mechanics for over twenty-two years and actually over 30% of the 120 employees of Key West have worked there for continued on next page

SUMMER FIRE SAFETY TIPS

A fire hazard is an object or an activity that has the potential to cause a fire. Use common sense to stop fire hazards from becoming a fire incident and enjoy a safe summer season.

SMOKING

Smoking poses many fire hazards, but none more so than carelessly tossing a cigarette butt on the ground. Dry grass, dead leaves, and twigs on the ground can provide fuel for very fast-moving wildfires. Leaving cigarette lighters or matchers lying around is almost an invitation to a curious child to play with fire. • Make sure to put smoking materials out completely. • Avoid using flower pots as ashtrays. Peat moss can ignite and cause a fire. • Use large and deep ashtrays, partially filled with water. • Keep lighters and matches out of the reach of children. • Remove debris and dry vegetation from your yard.

BARBECUES

Heat or flames from a barbeque can ignite nearby vegetation, wood, vinyl siding, paper towels and similar items. • Barbecue with safety in mind. • Keep barbecues a safe distance from anything combustible. • Keep young children and pets away from barbecues.

GASOLINE

Vapours from gasoline can catch fire from a small spark. • Never use gasoline on a campfire or charcoal barbecue. • Use approved storage containers. • Avoid smoking around gasoline. • When re-fuelling avoid spilling by using a funnel. • Ensure adequate ventilation when dispensing gasoline.

BURN INJURIES

Burns can happen quickly when you contact with hot objects or flames. If you burn yourself, immediately run the affected area under cool water for at least five minutes. If your burn is serious (charring, blistering) seek medical attention right away.

WILDFIRES

If you live near parks or forests, it is important to design and maintain your home and landscaping with wildfire-safety in mind. You can follow simple steps to make your home fire safe. You will not only reduce the threat to your property, but you help protect your home and family too.

VISIT WWW.BCWILDFIRE.CA FOR MORE INFORMATION

What do you call a parrot when it has dried itself after taking a bath? Polly unsaturated.

Remember… there is no outdoor burning permitted in New Westminster.

Your New Westminster Fire and Rescue Services cares about you and your safety! If you require further information, please visit our website at: www.newwestcity.ca or call the Fire Prevention Division at 604-519-1004

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June 2012

Piffle’s MATH MADNESS

Try to fill in the missing numbers. Use the numbers 1 through 9 to complete the equations. Each number is only used once. Each row is a math equation. Each column is a math equation. Remember that multiplication and division are performed before addition and subtraction. Solution on page 23.

Piffle’s NUMBER BLOCKS Solution from page 10

over ten years. Quite a record. In fact I just had my own Ford Explorer serviced there and I received kid glove treatment, but more than that they did it right. Keep in mind as well that on used vehicles they have the best dealer warranty in the business. Adam’s son Joel looks after the computers and IT department at Key West and he definitely shares his dad’s enthusiasm, having been involved with Ford’s Drive for Rides Promotion, where people are paid twenty dollars by Ford to take a test drive. Joel said they took one of the Mustang muscle cars, a gleaming new Ford Rouche, to one of the high schools, the kids were really excited to take it for a spin and pocket a few bucks as well. “Well, time to take a photo.” I said. “How about in the Rouche?” Joel replied. “Nice but how about in that Ford Cobra, you don’t see many of those around.” And Adam agreed that would make a good shot. I got them both in the front seat looking back and in a sense it was quite a family affair. Stop in and visit Adam’s great team of people at Key West Ford at 301 Stewardson Way, and don’t be afraid to step into his office. His enthusiasm will rub off on you as well.

Westminster Pier Park Opening Celebration A community celebration to mark the official opening of Westminster Pier Park will be held on Saturday, June 16th starting at 11:00 a.m. Dignitaries

THE VISITOR By Glenn Jones

#26-8720 Forest Grove Drive, Burnaby BC V5A 4C9 | 604-433-3986 | E-mail: glenn-jones@shaw.ca

Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland

June 2012

and representatives will be on hand from all three levels of government along with community representatives to cut the ribbon officially opening New Westminster’s newest waterfront amenity. “This new park belongs to the whole community and we want everyone to celebrate the opening with us,” said Mayor Wayne Wright. “There will be fun and activities for all ages and we encourage people to mark their calendars and join in the festivities.” Official opening celebrations will begin at 11:00 a.m. at Lytton Square and activities will take place throughout the park until 3:00 p.m. Fun and activities include: • Kid’s Zone including kite making, roving jugglers, stilt walkers • Sports Zone with a climbing wall, ball hockey, basketball • Main Stage and roving entertainment for all ages from 11:00 a.m. to 3:00 p.m.

“Our award-winning Westminster Pier Park is spectacular and I’m proud of all the efforts put in by so many over the past three years to make it a reality,” said Wright. “The opening celebration on June 16th will mark a day to remember as we recapture a significant part of our waterfront for use by the public now and into the future.” The Westminster Pier Park construction project was launched in 2009, following purchase of a brownfield property located along the Royal City’s waterfront by the City of New Westminster. At a cost of $25.1 million, the project was made possible through generous financial contributions from the federal and provincial governments, which provided two-thirds ($16.6 million) in project funding through the Build Canada Fund. Contacts Ruby Campbell, Chair, WPP Opening Event/Volunteer Coordinator by phone 604519-1023 or email rcampbell@newwestcity.ca continued on next page

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June 2012

2012 Student Police Academy

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July 3 to 14, 9:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. The 2012 Student Police Academy will be the 12th class that the New Westminster Police Service has conducted. Developed to provide grade 11 and 12 students with a realistic perspective in policing, Student Police Academy #12 is a cooperative effort of the New Westminster Police Service and the Justice Institute of BC-Police Academy. The Student Police Academy is approximately 60 hours of instruction. When completed, these hours may be applied to studentsâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; work experience activities for Education Portfolios for grades 11/12. Justice Institute of BC, 715 McBride Blvd Phone Cst. Jackie Suchodolski at 604-862-6142

NWPS 2012 Soccer School

July 23 to 27, 9:00 a.m. to 1:00 p.m. The New Westminster Police Summer Soccer School is a unique recreation program bringing together police officers and youth for a fun filled week. The program is limited to children aged 5 to 10 years. The school runs for five days and involves approximately 300 children. The coaches include police officers and volunteers including community soccer players and graduates of the soccer school. The soccer school was introduced in 1981 and has become a flagship community program for the police service. Queenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Park Stadium located at First St at Third Ave, New Westminster Email soccerschool@nwpolice.org

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June 2012

June 10, 11:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. 400 Block East Columbia St, Sapperton The 2012 Sapperton Day Street Festival is a non-profit community event put together by the Sapperton Business Association with some help from both the McBride Sapperton Business Association and Wesgroup Properties. This will be the events 10th consecutive year after returning from a short hiatus. Sapperton Days has been around since the early 1970s. All proceeds from the Festival day are donated to the Royal Columbian Hospital Foundation. This yearâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s event will raise funds for critically needed equipment, research and innovation at Royal

Columbian Hospital to ensure the best medical standards for the future. Last years Festival donated $10,000 to support their Breast Health Center Campaign goal. Come join us to celebrate the beginning of summer. We will be having bouncy castles, clowns, jugglers, games, live performances, mini-donuts, pancake breakfast, rock climbing wall, vendors and much, much more! Proceeds raised from this event are donated to the Royal Columbian Hospital Foundation. end

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Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland

(Our competitive rates will make you smile too.) Jokes + Local Stories + Community Events + Horoscopes + Puzzles Full Colour or Black & White • Full Month Exposure • Back Issues Archived Online Distributed in Doctor’s Oﬃces, Pubs, Banks, Restaurants, Pharmacies… and more!

Contact Publisher & Editor Chris Sargent Today! Phone

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June 2012

THE EMAIL A man who was just married was flying to the Florida Keys for a business trip. His new bride was to accompany him the next day.

LIZA’S

When he got there he emailed his wife to let her know he made it there safely. When he sent the email he miss-typed the address. In Boston, a grieving widow, whose husband has recently passed away, receives the email. She reads it, screams, and faints. Hearing her grandmother’s cry, the widow’s 18-year-old granddaughter runs into the living room to see the computer on with a message. It reads: Dear love, Just got here. Preparing for your arrival tomorrow. Can’t wait to see you. Love, Me. P.S. Sure is hot down here.

Senior Q & A Q: How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but it might take all day. Q: What’s the biggest gripe of retirees? A: There is not enough time to get everything done. Q: Why don’t retirees mind being called seniors? A: The term comes with a 10% discount.

Piffle’s MATH MADNESS Solution from page 18

HOROSCOPES June 2012

ARIES: Your financial situation is not a sign of your personal wealth. Others adore you due to your personal integrity and energy. Remember that this month. TAURUS: Show the world what you are capable of this month. Your personality and energy will have a huge effect on others. Just avoid arguments. GEMINI: Past behavior patterns may be catching up with you during this time. Avoid self assertion and look within for answers. Your dreams are powerful all month. CANCER: This is a time to formulate your goals and go after them with gusto. This is not a good time to be a loner. Get out there and mix with others. LEO: You have great ambition to achieve so work hard and the results will come quickly. Coworkers may feel threatened by your need to get ahead. Keep the peace. VIRGO: Share your beliefs and ideas with others during this time. Expansion of the mind will be done either through study or foreign travel. Avoid legal disputes. LIBRA: If struggles with partners arise, use your charm to smooth things out. All grievances should be brought out into the open; in a peaceful manner. SCORPIO: Your ego may either create confusion or a powerful transformation. Issues concerning shared resources come into play. Something fades away in order for something new to come about. SAGITTARIUS: Throw all your energies into working hard and getting things done. Being a team player may not be in your best interest. Watch for health issues. CAPRICORN: Your in a playful and sporty mood. During this time you know what you want and will go after it with gusto. Enjoy group activity. AQUARIUS: Shirk off that irritability and throw yourself into home improvement. Authority figures may get on your nerves during this time. Keep a low profile. PISCES: Your everyday life will pick up and energies will be high. Disputes with neighbors/relatives may arise; maybe over possessions. Don’t force your belief system onto others.

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June 2012

THE PORCH

The wife replied, “You’re right. I guess I’m

A young blond girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a “handy woman” and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood.

starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes.” A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money. “You’re finished already” the startled husband asked.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

“Yes,” the blonde replied, “and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats.” Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for

“Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch” he said.

the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip. “Thank you,” the blonde said, “And, by the

“How much will you charge me?”

way, it’s not a Porch, it’s a Lexus.”

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, “How

THE CLEANING POEM

about $50?” The man agreed and told her that the paint

I asked the Lord to tell me

and brushes and everything she would need

Why my house is such a mess.

were in the garage.

He asked if I’d been ‘computering’,

The man’s wife, hearing the conversation,

And I had to answer ‘yes.’

said to her husband, “Does she realize that our

He told me to get off my fanny,

porch goes ALL the way around the house?”

And tidy up the house.

“That’s a bit cynical, isn’t it” he responded. And so I started cleaning up... The smudges off my mouse. I wiped and shined the topside. That really did the trick... I was just admiring my good work. I didn’t mean to ‘click.’ But click, I did, and oops… I found A real absorbing site That I got SO way into it… I was into it all night. Nothing’s changed except my mouse. It’s very, very shiny. I guess my house will stay a mess… While I sit here on my hiney.

SERENITY Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, “How old was your husband?”

Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland

June 2012

“98,” she replied.

In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF

“Two years older than me.”

SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND

“So you’re 96,” the undertaker commented.

UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

She responded, “Hardly worth going home, is it?”

Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING… BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT

IT’S THE LAST

BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

WONDERFUL BARGAIN? Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

SIGNS

Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS

PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL

Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE

YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES

WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN’T KNOW

OUT

IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST

FLOOR Notice in a field: THE FARMER ALLOWS

In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU

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June 2012 CLARENCE IS A BIG FELLER There were some backwoods hillbillies living across the river from each other, who feuded

Honestly driven.

constantly. John hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence. This went on for years until one day the Corps of Engineers came

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to build a bridge across that river. John was elated; he told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and whip Clarence. He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes. His wife asked what was wrong, didn’t he intend to go over the bridge and whip Clarence? He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn’t realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the sign: “CLEARANCE 8 FT 3 IN”

More Senior Q & A Q: Among retirees what is considered formal attire? A: Tied shoes. Q: Why do retirees count pennies? A: They are the only ones who have the time. Q: What is the best way to describe retirement? A: The never ending Coffee Break! Q: What is the common term for a senior who still works and refuses to retire? A: NUTS! Q: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?

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A: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there. Or move back in there… Q: What do retirees call a long lunch? A: Normal.

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June 2012

Q: What’s the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? A: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents. Q: Why does a retiree often say he doesn’t miss work, but misses the people he worked with? A: He is too polite to tell the whole truth. And, my very favorite…

DIPLOMA & CERTIFICATE PROGRAMS

Q: What do you do all week?

PRACTICAL NURSING HEALTH CARE ASSISTANT

A: Monday through Friday, NOTHING…

(FORMERLY RESIDENT CARE ATTENDANT/HOME SUPPORT)

Saturday and Sunday, I rest.

FITNESS CLASS I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and

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down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

ALL ABOARD A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

104 YEAR OLD Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: “And what do you think is the best thing about being 104” the reporter asked. She simply replied, “No peer pressure.”

BOOM A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

THE MACHINE The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

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June 2012 SENIOR HUMOUR Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting Well, for example, the other day, my wife Betty Know your limit,

and I went into town and visited a shop.

play within it.

When we came out, there was a cop writing

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We went up to him and I said, “Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?” He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him an asshole. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for So Betty called him a batman head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it

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and went home. We try to have a little fun each day now that we’re retired. It’s important at our age.

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15 T H A N N U A L

Eastside Culture

Crawl

The Voice of Residential Construction in the Greater Vancouver Area GVHBA_book_2009-v9.indb 1

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2011

Visual Arts Festival

The World In A Garden and FarmFolk CityFolk present

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