Photo by Gabor Gasztonyi
August 2012 | Your community humour magazine | issue 143
P20
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August 2012
Fin Donnelly, MP
New Westminster – Coquitlam & Port Moody Serving Our Community
Need help with federal issues such as E.I., Income Tax, Canada Pension and Canada Student Loan? Please contact Fin Donnelly’s Community office for assistance. Fin Donnelly’s Community Office: 1116 Austin Avenue, Coquitlam, BC, V3K 3P5
Phone: 604-664-9229 l Email: fin.donnelly@parl.gc.ca l www.FinDonnelly.ca
A N Y W X I H C A W J B M S T
L T B F H J T P B L O L L D X
Q E T C Y I I M A O K A N Y U
R R W N M V S D K Y G D E X E
Y E P O O C I T V B A V N L X
M K O R V O I Z E F B A D I K
H O O Z Y M D X X R G S G O R
Q U B R W C E R R X N S Y Q M
S K T B B M T S M Z I E U U J
E O C A I E N W I A D I F A K
B F J K Z N O B D D R F V E X
A B L A U T S Q R I A H R I T
E N O G E B E O W N F K A W L
B O R B O R Y G M O U S P Q Q
A I Z V H C Y B N F I V N C D
WORD SEARCH
ABLAUT APIVOROUS BLADVASS BORBORYGMOUS BOTRYOIDAL DISEMVOWEL FARDINGBAG MOBBINS WHISTERNEFET WOEBEGONE
Peter Julian, MP Burnaby – New Westminster Serving Our Community
Need help with federal issues such as E.I., Income Tax, Canada Pension and Canada Student Loan? Please contact Peter Julian’s Community office for assistance. Peter Julian’s Community Office: 7615 Sixth Street, Burnaby, BC V3N 3M6
Phone: 604-775-5707 l Email: peter.julian.c1@parl.gc.ca l www.PeterJulian.ca
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Call 604-524-0500 • 7882 6th St, Burnaby Funny Bones by Jones Magazine Locally Owned & Published Fourth floor, 604 Columbia St New Westminster, BC V3M 1A5
Chris Sargent Owner & Publisher, Sales Email: publisher@piffle.ca
604-525-9027 Catch them while they’re laughing!
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Photography: Gabor Gasztonyi, Trevor Batstone, Darren Lulka
Glenn Jones would like to hear from his fans. E-mail him at funnybones.by.jones@gmail.com.
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August 2012
Century House News Heart Art
In partnership with the City of New Westminster, Century House is launching Heart Art — an intergenerational art programme that will bring youth and seniors from New Westminster together for workshops and art projects based on the theme:
Making the World a Better Place Through Art. The project will offer art projects in the categories of spoken word, digital photography, mosaic tiles, theatre, and music. Artists in the five different media will be hired to develop art workshops that will be offered to youth and seniors in the community. A youth and senior assistant will be also hired in each medium to support the artists. The project is funded by a New Horizons for Seniors grant that the Century House Association applied for and received. Artists and youth/senior assistant applications can be found on the City’s website at www.newwestpcr.ca
Family & Senior Festival
Mark your calendars now for this exciting Fall event that will celebrate families and seniors and offer an opportunity for you to meet with individuals from organizations who service your community. The event will feature a variety of entertainment, dancing, refreshments and numerous other family friendly activities. When: Saturday, October 13, 2012 Time: 11:00 a.m. to 3:00 p.m. Where: Royal City Centre
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August 2012
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Senior Exercises The Doc told me to start an exercise program. Not wanting to harm this old body, I've devised the following: 1.
Beat around the bush
2. Jump to conclusions 3. Climb the walls
When your sweet tooth has a say in the matter, and it often does, the Cone Zone is that place.
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4. Wade through the morning paper 5. Drag my heels
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11. Run around in circles
• Flavour Burst Soft Serve
12. Advise Prime Minister Stephen Harper
• Gelato Cakes
13. on how to run the country… 14. Toot my own horn…
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15. Pull out all the stops… 16. Add fuel to the fire… 17. Open a can of worms… 18. Put my foot in my mouth… 19. Start the ball rolling… 20. Go over the edge… 21. Pick up the pieces… 22. Hug someone and encourage them…
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What a workout!
Small For Your Age Q: What do you call a ninety year old ant? A: An antique.
newwestminsterfrasers.blogspot.com Now available for sale at Renaissance Books and the New Westminster Museum
Wishing everyone a good summer!
778-773-0546 Follow me on Twitter!
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bmcintosh@newwestcity.ca www.bettymcintosh.ca
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August 2012
MUSIC
"Good boy! Now what would you say to
The key to the success of all musicians of note is their ability to stay composed while
Grandma?" He lit up and said, "Can I have a cookie?"
performing at a level that can't be beat.
JACK DANIELS FISHING STORY GRANDMA
I went fishing this morning but after a
A three-year-old had been told several
short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a
times to get ready for bed. The last time
cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs
his mom told him, she was every insistent.
are good bass bait.
His response was, "Yes, Sir!" Since he was
Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the
talking to his mother (and she is a woman), it
frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind
was not expected of him to call her "Sir".
the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait
"You would say, 'yes sir,' to a man, I am a
bucket.
lady, and you would say 'Yes Ma'am,' to a lady,"
Now the dilemma was how to release the
Mom said. To quiz him on is lesson; she then
snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my
asked him, "What would you say to Daddy?"
bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little
"Yes Sir!" was the reply
whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he
"Then what would you say to Mama?"
went limp. I released him into the lake without
"Yes, Ma'am!" he proudly answered.
incident and carried on fishing using the frog.
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"He was smoking in the mixing room?" the investigator said in stunned horror, "How long had he been with the company?" "About 20 years, sir" "20 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room, I'd have thought it would have been the last thing he'd have done."
• The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get. • You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. • So this isn't Home Sweet Home… adjust! • Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself! • I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
"It was, sir."
• Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be
AXIOMS
amused.
• Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of jalapenos: you never know what's going to burn your behind. • I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
• I'd love to live life in the fast lane, but I'm married to a speed bump. • What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it! • How can you tell which bottle contains her
• Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
PMS medicine? It's the one with bite marks on the cap!
• Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the first time, chances are you won't need them again. • I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem. • Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where in the hell is the ceiling? • My reality check bounced. • On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key. • I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier! • You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. • Everyone is someone else's weirdo. • Never argue with an idiot. They drag you
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down to their level then beat you with experience. • Be careful… a pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt. • Don't be irreplaceable… if you can't be replaced, you won't be promoted.
Mayor Wayne Wright
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August 2012
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August 2012
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THE TEMPEST
CONCERTS AT THE QUAY
August 4, 5, 2:00 p.m. Queen’s Park Bandshell Admission is FREE!
The Hyack Festival Association is pleased to announce the launch of Concerts on the Quay, a new summer concert series at Westminster Quay, in partnership with River Market. Two dates have been confirmed:
Shadows & Dreams Theatre Company is back with another of Shakespeare’s timeless classics, The Tempest, this time with a fantastical, tropical setting. Twenty years ago, the deposed Duchess of Milan and her infant daughter were marooned on an island of terrifying supernatural forces. Now, she is the master of the island’s power, and when and when the usurper’s ship passes through her domain, she seizes her chance for revenge.
• Sunday, August 12 featuring Dustin Bentall & Kendel Carson
Seating is first come first served. There are benches or you can bring your own chair or picnic blanket and sit closer to the stage. The closer you sit, the better you’ll hear! Performances are rain or shine! If there’s an audience there’s a show. For more information call 604-515-0704 www.nwpr.bc.ca/parks
THEME DAYS IN THE PARK Theme days are FREE and take place at 1:00 p.m. Parks, Culture and Recreation’s Play Leaders are again hosting special theme days this summer! • Princesses and Knights — August 7, Hume Park • Creative Construction — August 14, Ryall Park • Moody Park’s Got Talent — August 21, Moody Park • Halloween — August 28, Grimston Wading Pool
• Sunday, August 26 featuring Steve Dawson Concerts on the Quay will be free to the public and will take place between 2:00 p.m. and 5:00 p.m. each Sunday. The Main Stage will be located on the boardwalk between River Market and the Fraser River Discovery Centre.
ENGLISH TEA PARTY Sunday, August 12, 2012 Noon – 3:00 p.m. Port Royal Community Garden Join us in the garden for an English Tea Party and Art Exhibit by Artists in the Boro in support of the New Westminster Cultural Crawl. Travelling south across the Queensbourough Bridge, just pass the sign indication Ewen and Boyd Streets, turn left at the lights. Drive up to the stop sign and turn left. Go down to the end of Ewen Avenue and turn left on Furness Street and then turn right on Star Cresent. Port Royal Community Garden is on the top of the hill on the right hand side. Featuring: Gardens in Bloom, Artists in the Boro Art Exhibit, Live music by The Land of Deborah, and refreshments provided by the Port Royal Community Garden Society.
All events are weather dependant. Please call 604-527-4634 if the weather is questionable.
ROYAL CITY FARMERS’ MARKET
13TH ANNUAL DOGGY FUN DAY
Thursdays 3:00 p.m. – 7:00 pm Tipperary Park
August 26, Noon – 3:00 p.m. Queen’s Park, South Field Fun and games for dogs and their people! Doggy displays, prize draws, doggy games: egg & spoon race, 3-legged race, howl-a-long, special doggy tricks, doggy look-a-like contest and the famous (4 paws up!) bobbing for wieners contest Vendor and animal rescue booths. Lots and lots of great doggy prizes! For further information, contact doggyfunday.nw@gmail.com
Royal City Farmers Market runs ever y Thursday from 3:00 p.m. to 7:00 p.m. at Tipperary Park in New Westminster until October 4. The market features farm-fresh produce, plants, quality crafts from local artists and artisans, gourmet prepared foods, communit y information, live entertainment, and more.
MONDAY TO THURSDAY 9AM – 7PM | FRIDAY 9AM – 6PM SATURDAY 9AM – 4PM | SUNDAY 9AM – 3PM
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August 2012 LIPSTICK According to a news report, a certain private school in Alberta recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-yearold girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were
What street in Sapperton has the same name as our next province?
causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled
Piffle’s NUMBER BLOCKS
squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers, and then there are educators.
HEAR NOW Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again." To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't Try to fill in the missing numbers. The missing numbers are integers between 0 and 9. The numbers in each row add up to totals to the right. The numbers in each column add up to the totals along the bottom. The diagonal lines also add up the totals to the right. Solution on page 18.
told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will five times!"
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
August 2012
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OLD BUTCH John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. BUT, to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair. Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result: the judges not only awarded Butch the "No BellPiece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
TRY IT A couple walking in the park noticed a young man and woman sitting on a bench, passionately kissing. "Why don't you do that?" said the wife. "Honey," replied her husband, "I don't even know that woman!"
Confessions of a Former Teen Angster!! By Reese McBeth, Humourist ©2012
When I was fifteen I was full of anxiety and extremely shy. I was neurotic with an abundance of nervous energy. I was convinced I was dying of bad acne. My body was hairless and my face looked like a Jackson Pollock painting — if Jackson Pollock painted with pimples. I was extremely curious about everything. I loved soft pillows, the color orange and the hit television show “Blossom!” I hated watching people open mouth kiss but I loved the smell of girls who had just come back from the beach smelling like suntan lotion. I hated the words “baby boy” and “little guy” but loved sitting at my grandmother’s kitchen table listening to her extremely explicit stories about her days as a female rodeo clown. I was a kid, with no direction in life. I’m not kidding. Sometimes I would get so caught up in my head thinking about girls that I would forget my way home. I loved walking — I walked everywhere. I was incredibly cerebral, I lived in my head. I actually convinced myself one day that I was dying from not having any underarm hair. I wanted to be Matt Dillon from the Outsiders, wearing cool tank tops and smoking cigarettes, standing on the street corner in a cool pose. Reality… there was no way I could ever be as cool as Matt Dillon. For one, I couldn’t wear a tank top — I had no underarm hair. Underarm hair was a sign of a guy who didn’t have a babysitter anymore. Number two, I couldn’t smoke. Even being around a smoker made my asthma feel like it was getting kicked in the man parts. And three, there was no way I was going to stand on any street corner looking cool — I was the epitome of uncool. I wanted to meet a girl so badly, but I had no confidence. I was extremely shy; I tried my hardest to come across as an intellectual. My favourite thing to tell girls when I finally got the nerve to talk to one was to tell them that I was a lone wolf put on the earth to live a solitary life and fight for the human race, just like Chuck Norris in Lone Wolf McQuade. It was my attempt to sound cool and mysterious. Unfortunately it never worked and I spent a lot of time in my washroom crying. It really sucked! I am going to be completely honest; I was a bubblewrapped child. For years I was sequestered on my back porch due to my plethora of allergies and petite frame. I watched my friends play in the park, free and untethered, running and swearing, getting attention from girls. The only attention I got was from my grandmother’s bridge club. They thought it was cute that I could recite Patrick Swayze’s romantic monologue from Ghost. …to be continued in the next Piffle!!
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12
August 2012 BOB’S ANNUAL REVIEW 1. Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found 2. hard at work in his A LARGE COLLECTION OF FINE USED BOOKS, INCLUDING OUT-OF-PRINT & HARD-TO-FIND BOOKS AND NEW BOOKS BY LOCAL AUTHORS. OPEN 7 DAYS A WEEK 9:30AM – 6:30PM
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cubicle. Bob works independently, without 3. wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never 4. thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always 5. finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended 6. measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee 7. breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no 8. vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound 9. knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be 10. classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be 11. dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be 12. promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be 13. executed as soon as possible. Addendum: That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd lines.
RIDER After a round of golf, four ladies sat around the club house, chatting. Seeing the ladies, the Pro approached them and asked: "How did your game go?" The first lady, a brunette, said she had a good round… making the comment that she actually had 25 riders. The Pro was a bit perplexed not knowing what a "Rider" was. The second was a blonde lady who quickly chimed in and said that she had a very good
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round as well with 16 riders. The third lady then said that her round was average and that she only had 10 riders. The fourth lady admitted that she played the worst round of the day and that she only had 2 riders all day long.
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
August 2012
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The Pro was completely confused not knowing what the term "rider" meant. But, because he didn't want to look dumb, he made a quick polite remark, wished the ladies well and then left.
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He then approached the bartender and asked "Hey, can you tell me what these ladies are talking about when they refer to "Riders"?" The bartender simply smiled and said, "A 'Rider' is when you hit a shot long enough to ride on the golf cart to your ball."
PRIVATE PETERS The drill sergeant making his morning announcements to a group of newcomers in a training camp, stated: "Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. First, the good news Private Peters will be setting the pace on our morning run.” With this the platoon was overjoyed, as Private Peters was overweight and terribly
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slow. But then the drill sergeant finished his statement: "Now for the bad news. Private Peters will be driving a truck."
THAT’S NOT THE LESSON A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons,
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Kevin, 5, Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my
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brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'" said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
Q & A Break Q: What has a bottom at the top? A: Your legs. Q: Why was it impossible to put Humpty Dumpty together again? A: Because he wasn't all that he was cracked up to be.
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August 2012
DRIVING WITHOUT GLASSES This guy was pulled over for running a stop sign. When the cop checked the man's
"Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. Andrea went to the store and bought
driver's license, he said, "You're wearing
some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the
glasses on your ID and you're not now. I'm
pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use
going to have to give you a ticket."
this under your arms, don't use deodorant for
The guy said, "Officer, I have contacts." The cop said, "Look, buddy, I don't care who you know… I'm giving you a ticket."
a few days." Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms." The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple
A DOG’S EAR
of days."
My wife found out that our dog (a
Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs
Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took
either. If you must know, I'm using it on my
it to the veterinarian. The vet found that
Schnauzer."
the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then
The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."
hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some
ANNIVERSARY GIFT Eddie was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE." The next morning Eddie got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Funeral services for Eddie have been scheduled for Friday.
MY BIG MISTAKE I was in a pub on Saturday night. Had a few drinks… I noticed two large women by the bar. They both had strong accents so I asked Another fine “time distraction” brought to you by your local Piffle Magazine.
"Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?"
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
August 2012
15
One of them screamed "It's WALES you friggin' IDIOT!" So, I immediately apologized and said "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?" That's all I remember…
DANCE TO THE MUSIC Took the wife to the local disco last weekend. There was a guy on the dance floor giving it large: break dancing, moon walking, back flips… you know… "the works". My wife looked at me and said, "That guy proposed to me 40 years ago and I turned him down." I said, "Well looks like he's still celebrating!" I should be out of the hospital by the weekend!
AT THE AUCTION Selling at an auction was halted when the auctioneer announced, “Someone in the room has lost his wallet containing $2,000. He is offering a reward of $500.00 for its immediate return.” After a moment of silence, there was a call
POET’S CORNER
with Poet Laureate New We
CANDICE JAMES
stminster
New Westminster Cultural Crawl by Mickey Bickerstaff ©2012 Come mingle at the Cultural Crawl; it’s not a single place at all, but many things, many places in New West, and many faces. The citizens of old New West really love a cultural fest — so many people play a part in the city’s artistic heart. Artists paint, photograph, and write, sing songs, play music and recite in parks, in pubs and open air in our annual summer fair.
from the back of the room, “$550.00”
THE VACUUM SALESMAN Lady, this vacuum cleaner will cut your work in half.
So meet me at the Cultural Crawl and we’ll go on a cultural trawl, of many artistic things and places, and New Westminster’s many faces.
Good. I’ll take two of them.
HOUSEWORK CHALLENGED One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
Mickey Bickerstaff was born and raised in Montreal, and moved to BC in 1971. She is not only a familiar face on the local poetry scene but is also Secretary of the Federation of BC Writers. Mickey has written poetry on and off all her life but after recently retiring has delved back into the writing scene full force. Her work has appeared in Tom Wayman’s Piecework, and in Silver Bow Publishing’s recent anthologies, Sudden Thunder, Mind Paintings and Royal City Poets.
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "University of British Columbia."
New West Poets: please submit your “New West” poems for this column to candicejames@shaw.ca or call 778-322-1131 for info.
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16
August 2012
Sargent’s City Scene Candice James ReAppointed as Poet Laureate New Westminster City Council has appointed local poet Candice James to a second term (20132016) as the City’s Poet Laureate. James has served as Poet Laureate since 2010. “It is truly an honour to be t he Poet Laureate for New Westminster,” said James. “It is the highlight of my life and I am thankful to the Arts Commission a nd Cit y C ou nc i l for t he confidence they have shown in me by my re-appointment. I will continue in my quest to make our Royal City, and our Royal City poets, shine.” The City of New Westminster has had a Poet Laureate since the appointment of Edna Anderson in 1998. Don Benson followed Anderson and served as Poet Laureate from 1999 to 2006.
During her current term as Poet Laureate, James has brought greater visibility to the poetic literary scene in New Westminster. She created Poetic Justice, a weekly poetry reading series, Slam Central, a monthly spoken word performance poetry event, and Poetry in the Park, a weekly summer event that runs each year in July and August. In an aim to put the spotlight on local talent, James gathered works from local poets and facilitated the publishing of a poetry book, “Royal City Poets Anthology” (Silver Bow Publishing, 2011) which is available to borrow from the New Westminster Public Library and available for purchase online. She is currently working on “Royal City Poets Anthology 2” which is to be launched in October 2012. James also uses her monthly column in the Piffle, a local publication, to feature
Candice James, Poet Laureate New Westminster
New Westminster poets as they pen their ruminations on their community, its people and events.
Concert at the Quay The Hyack Festival Association is pleased to announce the lau nch of Concer ts on the Quay, a new summer concert series at Westminster Quay, in partnership with River Market. Two dates have been confirmed — Sunday, August 12 featuring
St. Helenʻs Parish Hall, 3871 Pandora Street, North Burnaby • 604.298.4144 or 604.298.4454
✔
REGULAR GAMES $150
NEW!
✔ O/E, 649 & RENO GAMES $500 JACKPOT! EVERY FRIDAY 6:00PM + $500 CONSOLATION!
Prizes subject to attendance. The current license number is 16966.
✔ 20th & BONANZA GAMES $1000
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
August 2012
17
Dustin Bentall and Kendel Carson, and Sunday, August 26 featuring Steve Dawson. Concerts on the Quay will be free to the public and will take place between 2:00 p.m. and 5:00 p.m. each Sunday. The Main Stage will be located on the boardwalk between River Market and the Fraser River Discovery Centre.
The New Westminster Board of Trade 1883 On January 17, 1883, The New Westminster Board of Trade was officially recorded and received its Certificate of Association. In 1960 Mr. W.S. (Bill) Hill changed the name of the New Westminster Board of Trade to The New Westminster Chamber of Commerce. Your Board of Trade/Chamber will begin its 130th year in service this coming January 2013. To celebrate this momentous year we are now developing our work plan for 2013. Throughout 2013, the New Westminster Chamber of Commerce will be celebrating our 130th anniversary of being the voice for business in New Westminster and continuing to strive to provide “best in class” service.
Watch out for Fraud The New Westminster Police Department investigated a fraud regarding a Reader’s Digest lottery scam. On July 6, 2012, the victim attended the police station and advised that in March or April, 2012, he received a letter in the mail from Reader’s Digest informing him that he had won a $50,000 lottery. The victim filled out the contact info and mailed it back to an address located at 1125 Stanley Street, Montreal, Quebec. In June 2012, the elderly victim began receiving telephone calls from an individual named “Vijay” from a phone number in the United Arab Emirates He informed the victim that in order for him to receive the prize money, he continued on next page
WORKING SMOKE ALARMS: IT’S THE LAW. An amendment to the BC Fire Code enhances the current smoke alarm requirements in the Province. As of May 1, 2010, homes and sleeping rooms that were built prior to British Columbia’s Building Code smoke alarm requirements must now have working smoke alarms provided for occupants. This applies to all single-family, semi-detached and townhomes, whether owneroccupied or rented. For homeowners to comply, it’s as simple as purchasing the required smoke alarms and installing them outside all sleeping areas. Landlords must also make sure their rental properties comply. Tenants should contact landlords immediately if they do not have the required smoke alarm, or, the smoke alarm provided is not working. Once installed, tenants should never remove the batteries or tamper with the alarm in any way. IN THE EVENT OF A FIRE — ARE YOU AND YOUR FAMILY PREPARED? When your smoke alarms go off, will everyone in your household know how to escape? Don’t leave this to chance. Have every person in your family recognize the sound of smoke alarms, then sit down with them and plan your escape. Be sure to map out two escape routes from each room in your home. Plan an outdoor meeting place. Then practice your fire escape plan often! Visit www.sparky.org with your children for fun and educational tools to learn more about fire safety. Your New Westminster Fire and Rescue Services cares about you and your safety! If you require further information, please visit our website at: www.newwestcity.ca or call the Fire Prevention Division at 604-519-1004.
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18
August 2012
Piffle’s MATH MADNESS
must send money to him via Western Union. The victim sent $2,525 to the United Arab Emirates and never received his lottery winnings. The New Westminster Police Department warn the public to be aware of this type of fraudulent activity. No legitimate lottery or company would ever ask for money before you are able to claim your prize. If you receive a notice that you have won something and are not sure if it is legitimate, please contact the New Westminster Police Department with any questions you may have. Contact Person: Sgt. Diana McDaniel Phone: 604‐529‐2423
New Westminster Downtown Residents’ Association Meeting
Try to fill in the missing numbers. Use the numbers 1 through 9 to complete the equations. Each number is only used once. Each row is a math equation. Each column is a math equation. Remember that multiplication and division are performed before addition and subtraction. Solution on page 23.
Piffle’s NUMBER BLOCKS Solution from page 10
Wednesday, July 25, 2012 at 7:00 p.m. Holy Trinity Parish Hall, 514 Carnarvon Street Mayor Wayne Wright will speak about the City’s current initiatives in the downtown area and recent developments around replacement of Pattullo bridge. There will be Q & A with Maylen Crespo, Family Services of Greater Vancouver, about the Vancouver Foundation’s Neighbourhood Small Grant Program for New West Residents. Open table discussion groups have a chance to share ideas for planning an upcoming Community Fair. All who live between Royal Avenue and the Fraser River are welcome! Come express your concerns and ideas for creating a safer, more liveable community. City Scene End
THE VISITOR By Glenn Jones
#26-8720 Forest Grove Drive, Burnaby BC V5A 4C9 | 604-433-3986 | E-mail: glenn-jones@shaw.ca
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
August 2012
19
MY SENIOR MOMENT AT THE STORE There was a bit of confusion at the store this morning. When I was ready to pay for my groceries,
After going all the way around the room, the children left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say, “You see, it is vanishing cream!”
the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me." I did just as she had instructed. When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally
RIGHT IN THE CAT’S EAR A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he’d
subsided, I found out that she was referring
found a cat, but it was dead. “How do you
to my credit card. I have been asked to shop
know that the cat was dead?” she asked
elsewhere in the future. They need to make their
her pupil.
instructions to us seniors a little clearer!
“Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,” answered the child innocently.
DID YOU SEE THAT? During a dinner party, the hosts’ two little children entered the dinning room totally nude and walked slowly around the
“You did WHAT!?” the teacher exclaimed in surprise. “You know,” explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘Pssst!’ and it didn’t move.”
table. The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening
A HELPFUL PICK-UP LINE
and kept he conversation going. The guests
If you had 11 roses in your arms and looked
cooperated and also continued as if nothing
in the mirror; You would see the twelve most
extraordinary was happening.
gorgeous things in the world.
studio portraits • event photography • photo restoration • commercial • custom picture framing Get your Piffle delivered early to your inbox! Visit piffle.ca
Assist-2-Sell
Taking the Lead
~ Stor y a nd Photog raphy by Gabor Gasztony i ~ Not only are Sandy and Lyle Longridge taking the lead in a new and innovative real estate marketing business on 12th Street in New Westminster, but they are also one of the main sponsors for the upcoming 12th Street Festival, taking place on August 5th from 11:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Businesses on 12th Street are displaying beautifully designed Festival signs in front of their shops including mine, right on the corner of Kingston and 12th. These flashy signs designed by councillor, cartoonist and graphic artist of note, Chuck Puckmayr, all have one very unique aspect to them — on the bottom of each sign there is a little ad for Assist-2-Sell, because they have come 2 0 | P i f f l e
M a g a z i n e
up and made a strong financial commitment to the businesses and merchants on 12th Street. Hats off to Sandy and Lyle for stepping up to the plate and taking the lead. I just caught Sandy before she ran out the door to spend some time up at Cultus Lake and had only about fifteen minutes to take a photograph of these two budding entrepreneurs and come up with a bit of a story. We spent most of our time joking and adjusting Lyle’s tie. Sandy looked perfect as usual helped come up with a great photo. Assist-2-Sell offers sellers and buyers a unique low commission method of selling and buying homes. Assist-2-Sell was founded in 1987 when Mary Lamers and Lyle Martin left a real estate A u g u s t
2 0 1 2
F e atu r e
“
Assis-2-Sell has taken the good qualities of the discount model and the good qualities of the traditional model and put them together. It’s a unique concept which we believe strongly
”
believe in.
company and looked for a better way for people to sell their homes. They came up with a system that gives sellers all of the services they need along with a low flat fee. They soon discovered that the model which they created had strong appeal also for home buyers, who appreciated the large selection of competitively priced homes offered through Assist-2-Sell’s exclusive home listings database in addition to the traditional MLS listings. Since then Assist-2-Sell as grown to more than 400 franchise offices in 44 U.S. states and 6 Canadian provinces. Their slogan is “Results with Savings!” And according to Lyle that’s exactly what they are achieving here in New Westminster. “We really thought Assist-2-Sell was the best model in the business because it gives people a A u g u s t
2 0 1 2
F e atu r e
break on the commission without compromising service.” “We’ve seen so many problems with other discount agencies,” Sandy adds. “Assis-2-Sell has taken the good qualities of the discount model and the good qualities of the traditional model and put them together. It’s a unique concept which we believe strongly believe in.” Sandy and Lyle feel so positive about their business that they bought the building at 626 12th Street and opened a fresh new office. You can call Sandy or Lyle at 604-540-7253 We plan to be here for a long time,” Lyle said. So come out and meet them at the 12th Street Festival, they might be serving up hamburgers in the Kids Zone BBQ or helping Chuck Puckmayr keep his rhythm as he plays his harmonica on center stage. P i f f l e
M a g a z i n e | 2 1
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
(Our competitive rates will make you smile too.) Jokes + Local Stories + Community Events + Horoscopes + Puzzles Full Colour or Black & White • Full Month Exposure • Back Issues Archived Online Distributed in Doctor’s Offices, Pubs, Banks, Restaurants, Pharmacies… and more!
Contact Publisher & Editor Chris Sargent Today! Phone
604-525-9027
publisher@piffle.ca
Web
piffle.ca
August 2012
23
RIP A new business was opening, and one of the owner’s friends sent flowers for the occasion. But when the owner read the card with the
LIZA’S
flowers, it said. “Rest in Peace”. The owner was little upset and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist about the obvious mistake, the florist said, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rater than getting angry, you should imagine this: Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, “Congratulations on you new location.”
WHO IS HE? This married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor. The husband asks "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?" "Yes" she replies. "He's my ex-husband and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago." "That's remarkable" the husband replies. "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long." Q: What do you call a hippy's wife?
HOROSCOPES August 2012
ARIES: This is a good time to spruce up your home and begin those home renovations. Employers will be pleased with the work you do. A good time to ask for that raise. TAURUS: You may find there is a considerable amount of love in your every day life. You are more sensitive to beauty within your everyday surroundings. GEMINI: Money could easily slip through your fingers this month. Consider investments as opposed to spending and all will be well. CANCER: Your looking fabulous this month and others are taking notice. Expressing yourself to others comes with great ease during this time. LEO: Loved ones may call upon you for help during this time. Serve in the true service of selfless devotion and don't expect payback. VIRGO: Group activities take up all your time this month. Any group setting will only benefit you during this time. Your loved one may not understand this. LIBRA: Favorable circumstances take take place within your place of work. A love relationship may take place with someone older. Be careful with your motives. SCORPIO: You will be attracted to new people and new experiences during this time. A good time for any pleasure trip that involves new ideas and philosophies.
A: Mississippi.
Piffle’s MATH MADNESS Solution from page 18
SAGITTARIUS: All relationships will play out with greater intensity during this time. If you require a loan or money from other resources; it will come easy to you now. CAPRICORN: Love will seek you out this month if your not currently in a relationship. If your in conflict with someone now it is a good time to make peace and reconcile. AQUARIUS: All matters pertaining to your work and daily life come with ease during this time. Deal with the real world and not the fantasies in your mind. PISCES: It's all about having a good time during this month. Friends and lovers want your attention. There is no need to pretend what you are not.
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24
August 2012
IT’S THE CODE
an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman,
Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander,
a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German,
a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a
an Indian, several Americans (including a
Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian,
Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a
a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a
Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian,
Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian,
a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a
a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican,
New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a
a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a
Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a
Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a
Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a
Norwegian and 2 Africans… walk into a very
Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan,
fine restaurant.
a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a
"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group. "You can't come in here without a Thai."
Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a
AT SCHOOL A schoolteacher asked her primary six
Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a
class to construct sentences with the words:
Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian,
defeat, detail, defense.
a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan,
There was a pause before a pupil raised his hand and said he could make a sentence with them; "The cow jumped over defense and detail went over defeat."
ROOSTER REPLACEMENT A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers. Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and rang the doorbell. A farmer appeared. The man somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him." "Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "the hens are round the back."
POOP This man comes through a door to the bar and slipped on a pile of poop, he mumbles and brushes himself off. He orders a drink and sits down. A few minutes later a younger
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
August 2012
25
man walks through the door yelling and
After all, it was Sunday morning and
screaming, and he slips on the pile of poop.
everyone else was in church!
He gets up and looks around, and then he
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned
sits down next to the older guy. The older
over to the Lord while looking down from the
man says, "I did that!"
heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to
The younger man punches the old man and
let him get away with this, are you?"
leaves
The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it
FATHER NORTON
shot straight towards the pin, dropping just
Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful
short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!
and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So… he told the
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"
Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day.
The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"
As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to
Q: Why did the whale cross the road?
a golf course about forty miles away.
A: To get to the other tide.
This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.
Q: Why did Mrs Grape leave Mr Grape?
Setting up on the first tee, he was alone.
A: Because she was tired of raisin kids.
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26
August 2012
IT’S SIMPLE
matter formation, digressing here and there
When Albert Einstein was making the
to let everyone in the audience know that
rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually
he was nobody's fool. Without missing a
found himself eagerly longing to get back to
beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a
his laboratory work. One night as they were
steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that
driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner,
question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur,
Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man
who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."
who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks and manner) that he was tired of speechmaking. "I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!" When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur
THE MIGHTIEST A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey, and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?" The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!" Later, the lion confronts an ox and fiercely
gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech
bellows, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle
and even answered a few questions expertly.
animals?"
Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-
The terrified ox stammers, "Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!" On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?" Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and rambles away. The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant,
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August 2012
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"Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset about it!"
FINANCIAL PLANNER: A guy whose phone has been disconnected. MARKET CORRECTION: The day after you
BUSINESS TERMS
buy stocks.
CEO: Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CASH FLOW: The movement your money
CFO: Corporate Fraud Officer.
makes as it disappears down the toilet.
BULL MARKET: A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
YAHOO: What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share. WINDOWS: What you jump out of when
VALUE INVESTING: The art of buying low and selling lower.
you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
P/E RATIO: The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR: Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse. PROFIT: An archaic word no longer in use.
BROKER: What my broker has made me. STANDARD & POOR: Your life in a nutshell.
Safe Drinking
STOCK ANALYST: Idiot who just
Q: Explain one of the processes by which
downgraded your stock.
water can be made safe to drink.
STOCK SPLIT: When your ex-wife and her
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink
lawyer split your assets equally between
because it removes large pollutants like grit,
themselves.
sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
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28
August 2012 BIRDS FROM THE PET SHOP Two Hutterites walk into a pet shop in Swift Current and head directly to the bird section. Jacob, the Preacher, says to John, the Farm Know your limit, play within it.
Boss, "Dat's dem."
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The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, ve'll take four of dem little budgies in dat cage up der," says John. The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Jacob and John pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into the colony van and drive over to the train trellis bridge. From the top of the bridge, John looks down at the 200 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the bridge. Jacob watches as John falls all the
604-524-6524 | Entrance at 680 Clarkson St
way to the bottom. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Jacob shakes his head and says, "Dis budgie jumping is too dangerous fer me."
BUT WAIT… there's MORE! PART TWO Moments later Isaac, the Hog Boss, arrives up on the bridge. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the bridge
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carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
August 2012
29
"Hey, Jacob, vatch dis," Isaac says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself off the bridge. Jacob watches as halfway down, Isaac takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Isaac continues to plummet until he hits the bottom. Jacob shakes his head and says, "Ya, und I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either."
BUT WAIT…! PART THREE Jacob is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Abe, the Chicken Boss, appears. He's carrying an old potato
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of those old layer hens. Abe then grasps the
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chicken by the legs holds it over his head and
Office
hurls himself off the bridge and disappears
Cel
down and down until he too hits bottom.
Fax
sack out of which he pulls a chicken… one
Jacob shakes his head in sadness. "First der vas John wid his budgie jumping, den Isaac parrotshooting… und now we've lost
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Abe hengliding." That’s all! :)
KNOCK, KNOCO,KNOCK Submitted by Connie Jeffery
There was a knock on the door this past Saturday morning. I opened it to find a well-dressed, cute young man standing there who said "Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness." So I said "Come in and sit down." I offered him a fresh cup of coffee and asked "What do you want to talk about?" He said, "Beats me! Nobody ever let me in before."
Religious Q & A Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section" A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.
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30
August 2012
NEED A PAINTER?
STORIES Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper. After a
Partner with us and be part of the solution! The Holy Rollers are fully-trained painters that have a wide experience with a large range of painting jobs, such as:
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long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room. Bill said to Jim and Scott, let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way. At the 26th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories. "I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"
IT BRINGS LUCK A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland Subscription Form
that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.
name Address
The storeowner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.
city Province Phone email
The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry
Postal
cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat." And the owner says "Sold," and hands over
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the cat. The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish." And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
August 2012
31
WHAT HAPPENED IN TEXAS? A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers. So when he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head and fired a shot into the ceiling. "WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled. No one answered. "ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA' BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The cowboy had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
THE ANNIVERSARY To celebrate their fiftieth wedding anniversary, a couple returned to their honeymoon hotel. After retiring to bed, the wife said, “Darling, do you remember how you stroked my hair?” and so he stroked her hair. She reminded him of the way they had cuddled, and so they did. Then, with a sigh, she whispered, “Won’t you nibble my ear again?” With that, the husband got out of bed and left the room. “Where are you going?” cried the wife. “To get my teeth,” he said.
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