September 2012 | Your community humour magazine | issue 144
Calling all Hyack Alumni: Homecoming Game Friday September 14th under the Lights at Mercer Stadium. Email Deb Wardle for more info: debwardle@telus.net
Jordan Chin: Linebacker and one of four Senior Varsity Captains
Photo by Gabor Gasztonyi
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September 2012
Peter Julian, MP Burnaby – New Westminster Serving Our Community
Need help with federal issues such as E.I., Income Tax, Canada Pension and Canada Student Loan? Please contact Peter Julian’s Community office for assistance. Peter Julian’s Community Office: 7615 Sixth Street, Burnaby, BC V3N 3M6
Phone: 604-775-5707 l Email: peter.julian.c1@parl.gc.ca l www.PeterJulian.ca
T M A L D W J N I H C S H A N
A G V D U B H G B T W Z L O K
B R V B O V N K Y M K D S O U
B X D E C M K F V V W R A M L
P P I E Q L A D F G E X Z B P
A F V M V Y C T Q D R N G W L
S H C F Z A B U N E G L H N A
B M T W W T A E B V H B J G Y
A D M K N Z H S O A X K P B B
L L E D N A W G J R J Y G I E
R L S L F C M L I G U I W O T
L Y G N J I N J L L D C L A I
D F W N O S E K O E A Z D F U
Y R O X X U P O V B D E X E I
H T H V C S F R E E C E J E N
WORD SEARCH SURNAMES OF NWSS GRADS TO PLAY COLLEGE FOOTBALL
ADOMAT BELGRAVE BOJILOV CAWKELL CHIN DIGBY HENDERSON NEVY REECE SAAVEDRA SUSIC WANDELL
Fin Donnelly, MP
New Westminster – Coquitlam & Port Moody Serving Our Community
Need help with federal issues such as E.I., Income Tax, Canada Pension and Canada Student Loan? Please contact Fin Donnelly’s Community office for assistance. Fin Donnelly’s Community Office: 1116 Austin Avenue, Coquitlam, BC, V3K 3P5
Phone: 604-664-9229 l Email: fin.donnelly@parl.gc.ca l www.FinDonnelly.ca
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
September 2012 OUT FOR DINNER WITH MY GAL A man and his girlfriend were out to dinner
3 forward. “Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?”
one night. The waiter tells them the night’s
“Honest,” replied the job prospect. “Let me
special is chicken almondine and fresh fish.
tell you something about honest. Why, I’m so
“The chicken sounds good; I’ll have that,” the woman says. The waiter nods. “And the vegetable,” he asks.
honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.” “Impressive. And what sort of case was that?”
“Oh, he’ll have the fish,” she replies.
The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, “He sued me for the money.”
HONEST An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so
Q: Why are there no asprins in the jungle? A: Because the Parots-ate-em-all.
business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel.
Q: Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?
She began to interview young lawyers.
A: He was charged with battery.
“As I’m sure you can understand,” she started off with one of the first applicants, “in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question.” She leaned
Q: What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? A: Juan on Juan.
Funny Bones by Jones Magazine Locally Owned & Published Fourth floor, 604 Columbia St New Westminster, BC V3M 1A5
Chris Sargent Owner & Publisher, Sales Email: publisher@piffle.ca
604-525-9027 Catch them while they’re laughing!
Cliff Blank
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Photography: Gabor Gasztonyi, Trevor Batstone, Darren Lulka
Glenn Jones would like to hear from his fans. E-mail him at funnybones.by.jones@gmail.com.
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September 2012 MY WIFE’S LOSING HER HEARING While getting a checkup, a man tells his doctor that he thinks his wife is losing her hearing. The doctor says, “You should do a
“Can you spot the difference in these identical digital hearing aids?” Did you spot it? Here’s a hint: It isn’t the size or the material it’s made of. It isn’t the shape, color... or anything you could even see with the naked eye The difference between these identical hearing aids is the price. The one on the left sells for $1458 while the one on the right can cost as much as $3495. Why such a big price difference? It’s the number of available features inside. The more features, the higher the price. You can avoid overpaying for hearing aids by knowing which features you need and the ones you can do without.
Free Report with all the details
You can get a Free Report with all the details by calling this toll-free #: 1-800-749-6865 (ext 2012) for a 24-Hour Free Recorded Message.
simple test. Stand about 15 feet behind your wife and say ‘honey?’ Move 3 feet closer and do it again. Keep moving 3 feet closer until she finally responds.” Remember how close you were when she gives you an answer. That will help me know how bad her hearing loss is. About a month later the same guy is at the doctor again and the doctor asks, “Well, did you do that experiment with your wife’s hearing?” The man says “yes”. “How close did you get before she answered?” “Well, by the time I got about 3 feet away she just turned around and said “For the FIFTH TIME… WHAT???”
MORRIS NEED A HEARING AID Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to
After New Westminster Secondary School being without a football program for 25 years, what year did the Hyacks suit up for a new era of football?
Morris and said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?” Morris replied, “Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.’” The doctor said, “I didn’t say that. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur. Be careful.’”
THE VISITOR By Glenn Jones
#26-8720 Forest Grove Drive, Burnaby BC V5A 4C9 | 604-433-3986 | E-mail: glenn-jones@shaw.ca
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September 2012
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2012
MASS HYSTERIA
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An elderly couple is attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over
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do?”
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He replies, “Put a new battery in your hearing aid.”
SWEET PICK UP LINE Guy: Is you dad still in jail? Girl: For what?
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Guy: For stealing all the stars in the sky and putting them in your eyes!
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Labour Day Greetings! My office is here to assist you with provincial services and information.
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September 2012
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September 2012
RIVERFEST 2012 Friday, September 28 & Saturday, September 29, The boardwalk at Westminster Quay Celebrate Rivers Day along BC’s longest and most magnificent river — the Fraser River. Inspired by the river, RiverFest is an art and environmental festival that attracts over 5,000+ visitors to the Fraser River Discovery Centre and the Westminster Quay boardwalk. The festival includes live music, dramatic performances and participatory art activities. Main Stage performances will be headlined by Headwater and The Washboard Union. Artists exhibit and demonstrate their work along the New Westminster Quay, celebrating the beauty of the environment. Formerly known as Artists on the River and FraserFest, RiverFest — Inspired by the Fraser is a co-production of the Fraser River Discovery Centre and the Hyack Festival Association in partnership with the City of New Westminster and The Arts Council of New Westminster.
WESTMINSTER SAVINGS FREE SWIM & GYM September 5, 2:30 p.m. – 4:00 p.m. Westminster Savings and Canada Games Pool have partnered to provide a free swim and gym on the first Wednesday of each month in 2012. Free admission will be offered from 2:30 p.m. to 4:00 p.m. Take advantage of this free opportunity to swim, enjoy three fitness rooms or relax in the sauna and swirl pool!
FRASER RIVER DISCOVERY CENTRE NEEDS VOLUNTEERS Are you passionate about the Fraser River? Do you enjoy meeting new people? Do you like working with children? Do you have a few hours to spare? Then the Fraser River Discovery Centre would love to hear from you! Educating students about the history, environment, culture and industry of the Fraser River is at the heart of the Fraser River Discovery Centre and offers six different school programs on Wednesdays, Thursdays and Fridays throughout the year. Through a variety of hands-on activities, such as mock archaeological excavations, science experiments and games children learn about the River’s environment, social and economic importance to the province and its people. The Fraser River Discovery Centre is looking for volunteers called “Docents” to help lead our popular school programs during the upcoming school year. Anyone can be a docent and no special background or experience is required. Full training is provided so the only qualifications needed are an interest in working with children, a desire to learn about the Fraser River, and a weekday morning or afternoon to give to the Centre.
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People who are interested are invited to attend an information meeting on Wednesday, September 5 from 1:00 p.m. to 2:30 p.m. with training sessions being held throughout September. Pre-registration is encouraged, so please call the Discovery Centre at 604-521-8401 or info@fraserriverdiscovery.org by September 4.
FUNDRAISING GARAGE SALE FOR NEW WESTMINSTER FAMILY PLACE Saturday 29, 9:00 a.m. – 2:00 p.m., 93 Sixth St (corner of Cunningham & 6th St).
Kids clothes and toys, household items, small appliances and other goodies. Free family fun with a bouncy castle, face painting and hot dogs. All proceeds go to New Westminster Family Place, a non-profit society who provide a resource program for families with children from newborn to age five. To donate items or for more information call 604-520-3666.
RENAISSANCE BOOKS BOOK SIGNING EVENT “Because of the Moon” Book Signing September 9, 1:30 p.m. – 3:00 p.m. Renaissance Books, 43 6th Street Join local author Colleen Cutayne for a book signing and reading from her book Because of the Moon at Renaissance Books, 43 6th Street, New Westminster. Because of the Moon is a funny novel about a boy who moves from the city to his mother’s impoverished First Nations Village as punishment. Hard copy available at www.amazon.ca, Blackberry Books, Renaissance Books and Nuthatch Books. E-Book available at www.amazon.com
MAKE IT – SELL IT
September 29 11:00 a.m. – 5:30 p.m., Sapperton Pensioners Hall A Baptism by Fire for new entrepreneurs and business owners for those who have never done it. We invite you to come and see how the African Community, Minority Women, and New Immigrants have taken to the workshops designed to help them to adjust to the Canadian Business and Commerce Scene. Come and see the effect a Designated Venue can have on a newcomer’s ability to ‘fit-in’ to Canadian methods. Food, door prizes and more.
BIG MOVIE SUMMER SERIES: TOY STORY
Friday, September 7, 8:30 p.m. – 11:00 p.m., Queens Park Stadium Admission: Free Bring a Blanket or Lawn Chair
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September 2012
ALL THE BEST FOR THE 2012 / 2013 SEASON
GO S K C A HY GO!
THIS WORKS TOO Submitted by Jim Nicholas
A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. “What do you think you’re doing,” asks the wife. “They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans” he replies. “Put them back, we can’t afford them” demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. “What do you think you’re doing,” asks the
Mayor Wayne Wright
husband. “It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” replies the wife. Her husband retorts: “So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it’s half the price.” He never knew what hit him.
COLLEGE RULES On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: “The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught
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COLD WATER John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John’s grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, “Are these plates clean?” His grandfather replied, “They’re as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal,
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Sonny!” For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, “Are you sure these plates are clean?”
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Without looking up the old man said, “I told as cold water can get them. Now don’t you fret, I don’t want to hear another word about it!” Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather’s dog started to growl, and wouldn’t let him pass. John yelled and said, “Grandfather, your dog won’t let me get to my car”. Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted… “COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!”
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September 2012 THE SPAINISH BUNGEE
Confessions of a Former Teen Angster!! By Reese McBeth, Humourist
©2012
An excerpt from Reese McBeth’s personal journal: Monday, May 25th, 1992 (Age 15) I’m so picky when it comes to girls. You’d think I would be like a kid in a candy store, wanting to test out all the different flavours, but I’m not. I’m more like a highly allergic shopper, who is incredibly careful about what items he puts into his shopping basket. Don’t get me wrong, I mean I would love to have a beautiful girlfriend, with incredibly thick hair, who loves to wear sweaters and white jeans. I don’t think I’m ready though. I want to be ready. But every time I’m around girls that I’m attracted to, I break out in hives and get shaky hands. And then I remember that I’m wearing underwear that is three times too big. Why do I wear underwear that’s three times too big? Because my mother buys my underwear in the bargain department and by the time she gets there the only size that is left is “giant beer gut for men”. Do you know what it’s like to be in gym class and have your underwear constantly falling through your shorts? It’s not fun at all. I think I’m the only kid in the world who ties his underwear to his pants so they won’t fall down. That doesn’t assure me that they won’t — but it makes me feel a little more secure. Not that I’m secure… I’m totally insecure. I could completely unravel at any given time. I’m a “sensitive’… that’s what my grandmother says — and she was in the war! I don’t think I’m normal. I’m obsessed with showering and cleanliness. I worry that the girl who will harken me to her quarters for intimate relations will have bad body odour and completely turn me off. I’m not kidding when I say I will literally run from those quarters screaming. I can’t help it, I have the nose of a bloodhound, and I smell EVERYTHING! I will definitely never eat before having intimate relations. I’ve heard stories of passionate encounters with full stomachs turning into a gassy nightmare! I would literally start to cry if that happened to me. I would run home and cower in a corner, contributing the behaviour of an infant child with a poopy diaper. I need to come across more normal, but what is more normal? Now that I’m a working actor I’m supposed to be able to get away with crazy antics. That’s doubtful considering what happened on-set two days ago… I had my first big crying scene in a Movie of the Week, entitled “Stranger in the Mirror” starring the beautiful Lori Loughlin from the hit TV series, “Full House”. Lori Laughlin hated me! She called me a pest and ignored me for the rest of the shoot. I tried my hardest to redeem myself inside of her beautiful brown eyes, but she wasn’t having any of it! NOTE TO SELF: Don’t accidently trip into a famous actress, knocking food into her face when caught up in her beauty. POST NOTE TO SELF: You will never be going for dinner and a movie with Lori Loughlin, no matter how many times you apologize. …to be continued in the next Piffle!!
The two inventors of the bungee rope went to Spain to test their invention. They built a 50foot tower and, once completed, one of the guys stood on the edge of the platform and dove into the air with the rope tied to his feet. The other guy, standing up on the platform, waited until his friend returned up so that he could grab him. The first time his friend sprung up, he tried to grab him but missed and noticed that his head was swollen. The next time, he missed again and again there was a bruise on his head and face. This time, with much concern, he dove forward to get his partner, pulled him in and asked, “What happened? Is the cord too long?” His partner replied with his face all bloody, “What is piñata?”
EVERYWHERE THERE’S SIGNS In the front yard of a funeral home, “Drive carefully, we’ll wait.” In a nonsmoking area, “If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.” On a maternity room door, “Push, Push, Push.” On a front door, “Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.” At an optometrist’s office, “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.” On a taxidermist’s window, “We really know our stuff.” On a butcher’s window, “Let me meat your needs.” On a fence, “Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.” At a car dealership, “The best way to get back on your feet… miss a car payment.” Outside a muffler shop, “No appointment necessary. We’ll hear you coming.” On a desk in a reception room, “We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.”
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
September 2012
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In a veterinarian’s waiting room, “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!” In a Beauty Shop, “Dye now!” On the side of a garbage truck, “We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.” (Burglars please copy.) In a restaurant window, “Don’t stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.” Inside a bowling alley, “Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.” In a cafeteria, “Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.”
THE NAVY CAPTAIN Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: “Change your course 10 degree east.” The light signals back: “Change yours, 10 degrees west.” Angry, the captain sends: “I’m a navy captain! Change your course, sir!” “I’m a seaman, second class,” comes the reply. “Change your course, sir.”
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Now the captain is furious. “I’m a battleship! I’m not changing course!” There is one last reply. “I’m a lighthouse. Your call.”
IT’S HOSPITAL REGULATIONS Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one
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elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. “I don’t know,” he said. “She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital
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September 2012 THE OLD PROSPECTOR An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, “Hey old man, can you dance?” The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, “No son, I don’t dance… never really wanted to” A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, “Well, you old fool, you’re gonna dance now,” and started shooting at the old man’s feet. The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Both include vegetables and potatoes. Mon-Sat all day, no substitutions, one per customer, expires Sept 30/12
Everybody standing around was laughing. When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled 12 gauge shotgun and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 12 gauge barrels.
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
September 2012 The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in
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the old man’s hands, as he quietly said; “Son, have you ever kissed a mule’s ass?” The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, “No sir… but… I’ve always wanted to.”
Know your limit, play within it.
MID-LIFE Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked. The good news about mid-life is that the glass is still half-full… of course, the bad news is that it won’t be long before your teeth are floating in it.
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Mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans… we are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag. Mid-life has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can see your rear end without turning around. Mid-life brings the wisdom that life throws you curves… and that you’re now sitting on
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Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, “Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too! Mid-life is when you start to repeat yourself… and your chins follow suit. You become more reflective in mid-life. You start pondering the ‘big’ questions… what is life, why am I here… how much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it’s no longer a healthy choice?
Explore RiverFest September 28 & 29
Q: What do you get if you cross a vegetable with a 26 mile run? A: A marrowthon. Q: What do you call a fat alien? A: An extra cholesterol.
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September 2012 REAL ANSWERS GIVEN BY CHILDREN Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar. Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
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no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight. Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets still on the
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September 2012
15
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen). A: The body is consisted into three parts… the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.
POET’S CORNER
with Poet Laureate New We
CANDICE JAMES
stminster
The Song of the River by Janet Kvammen ©2011
Q: What is the fibula? A: A small lie. Q: What does “varicose” mean? A: Nearby. Q: What does the word “benign” mean? A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
BUT OFFICER A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. “But officer,” the man began, “I can explain,”. “Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m
Through the great land which we call home, Flows pristine river of silver current and foam, Emerald rainforest, Loden-jade, Under majestic mountains of multiple shade. A glistening carpet of mica shimmers in the brilliant light Glacial pure, cold as ice, a sensory delight. The rush of the hypnotic water lull’s me into a dream Where the dark river welcomes stream. Water cascades ever-flowing, Time passes by all knowing. Hope floats on borrowed dreams, Muddy river bellows whispered screams. Mother Earth’s heart wrenching sigh, The Song of the River is her cry. Gushing from the womb of Gaia, torn With a rush and a roar, the mighty Fraser was born.
going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back…” “But officer, I just wanted to say…” “And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!” A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.” “Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.” Q: Why was the archaeologist upset? A: His job was in ruins. Q: Why was the insect thrown out of the forest? A: Because it was a litterbug.
Janet Kvammen has been featured at “Poetic Justice” and “Poetry in the Park” and participated in New West Lit Fest, “Inspired by Words”, Cultural Crawl 2012 and is the recipient of a Writer’s International Network 2012 Distinguished Poet and Artist Award. Her poetry has been published in “Sudden Thunder Anthology”, “Mind Paintings Anthology 2011” and “Royal City Poets Anthology 2011” (Silver Bow). She is the Graphic Designer for Silver Bow Publishing, and also does freelance design work. Her Poetographs have appeared in the “Arts and Entertainment Hollywood” magazine and art exhibits. She was a finalist in Slam Central’s “Dead Poet’s Slam” and part of the New West Artists exhibit entitled “Visual Verse: Poetry For The Eyes”. To see more of her work, please visit her Facebook page, PlanetJanet Creations.
New West Poets: please submit your “New West” poems for this column to candicejames@shaw.ca or call 778-322-1131 for info.
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September 2012
BABY BOOMER MEMORY TEST! Have a paper and pencil handy to record your
3. Pogo, the comic strip character said, ‘We have met the enemy and…
answers. Your mind isn’t as sharp as it once
A. It’s you.”
was! Who says? It’s just gotten older, that’s
B. He is us.”
all. This is NOT a pushover test. It’s a Baby
C. It’s the Grinch.”
F. We quit.”
Boomer era test! There are 20 questions
D. He wasn’t home.”
G. He surrendered.”
E. H e’s really me and you.”
(answers on page 20). Average score is 12. This one will be difficult for the younger set.
4. Good night, David…
(DUDE!) Have fun, and no peeking!
A. Good night, Chet B. Sleep well
E. S ee you later, alligator
1. What builds strong bodies 12 ways?
C. Good night, Irene
F. Until tomorrow
A. Flintstones
D. Good night,
G. G ood night,
vitamins
D. Wonder Bread E. Orange Juice
B. The Buttmaster
F. Milk
C. Spaghetti
G. Cod Liver Oil
Gracie
5. You’ll wonder where the yellow went… A. When you use
2. Before he was Muhammed Ali, he was… A. Sugar Ray Robinson
D. Rudolph Valentino E. Fabian
B. Roy Orbison
F. Mickey Mantle
C. Gene Autry
G. Cassius Clay
Steve
Tide B. When you lose your crayons C. When you clean your tub D. If you paint the
E. I f you buy a soft water tank F. When you use Lady Clairol G. W hen you brush your teeth with Pepsodent
room blue 6. Before he was the Skipper’s Little Buddy, Bob Denver was Dobie’s friend… A. Stuart Whitman B Randolph Scott
D. Maynard G. Krebs
C. Steve Reeves 7. Liar, liar… A. You’re a liar
D. Join the choir
B. Your nose is
E. Jump up higher
growing C. Pants on fire
F. On the wire G. I’m telling Mom
8. Meanwhile, back in Metropolis, Superman fights never ending battle for truth, justice and…
Another fine “time distraction” brought to you by your local Piffle Magazine.
A. Wheaties
E. Red tights
B. Lois Lane
F. The American way
C. TV rating
G. News headlines
D. World peace
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September 2012
17
9. Hey kids! What time is it? A. It’s time for Yogi Bear
D. It’s time for Romper Room
B. It’s time to do your homework C. It’s Howdy Doody Time
E. It’s bedtime F. The Mighty Mouse Hour G. Scooby Doo Time
10. Lions and tigers and bears… A. Yikes
E. Oh my
B. Oh, no
F. Help! Help!
C. Gee whiz
G. Let’s run
D. I’m scared 11. Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone… A. Over 40
D. Over 30
B. Wearing a
E. You don’t know
uniform
F. Who says, ‘Trust
C. C arrying a
me’
briefcase
G. Who eats tofu
12. NFL quarterback who appeared in a television commercial wearing women’s stockings… A. Troy Aikman
E. Joe Montana
B. Kenny Stabler
F. Steve Young
C. Joe Namath
G. John Elway1
D. Roger Staubach 13. Brylcream, smear it on… B. You’ll smell great
E. It’s a dream
C. Tame that cowlick F. We’re your team D. Grease ball heaven
G. A little dab’ll do ya
14. I found my thrill… A. In Blueberry muffins
E. W ith thyme and dill
B. With my man, Bill
F. Too late to enjoy
C. Down at the mill
G. On Blueberry Hill
D. Over the window sill
PREPARE FOR THE FALL SEASON Autumn is the time of year when the weather starts to cool and children and parents are busy preparing for back to school. New Westminster Fire and Rescue Services recommends home and building owners take the time to reduce injury and fire risk and properly prepare your property for the upcoming fall season. WET LEAVES Remove wet leaves from your sidewalks, the walkways leading to your home, your porch steps and the porch itself. Wet leaves can become slippery and pose a hazard. Always help older family members up and down outside steps and walking along wet sidewalks to help prevent injuries. CHIMNEY Have your chimney inspected and cleaned by a professional prior to using your fireplace for the fall. Any cracks in and around the base of your chimney could release carbon monoxide into your home as you are burning a fire in the fireplace. A build-up of soot in the chimney itself could catch fire as the embers travel up the chimney. Also have the chimney inspector look for any bird’s nests in the chimney opening that could catch fire or stop carbon monoxide from escaping out. As part of your chimney maintenance, make sure all of the smoke and carbon monoxide detectors in the house have fresh batteries and operate properly. YARD CLEAN UP Any kind of vegetation is combustible. Mature trees, shrubs, grass, even your woodpile, are all potential fuels and can easily ignite. Managing the space around your house and buildings is of prime importance. Maintain a 15-ft fire safe zone around your home or building — remove perennial grasses and thin out overgrown bushes; remove dead branches or branches touching the ground. For more information, visit http://bcwildfire.ca/ Prevention/firesmart.htm Your New Westminster Fire and Rescue Services cares about you and your safety! If you require further information, please visit our website at: www.newwestcity.ca or call the Fire Prevention Division at 604-519-1004.
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September 2012 SELL YOUR HOME FAST AND FOR MORE!
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A. John, Steve, George, Ringo B. John, Paul, George, Roscoe
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George, Ringo
D. Jay, Paul, George, Ringo 17. I wonder, wonder, who… A. Who ate the leftovers? B. Who did the
D. Who wrote the book of love? E. Who I am?
laundry?
F. Passed the test?
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G. K nocked on the door?
18. I’m strong to the finish… A. Cause I eats my broccoli B. Cause I eats me
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C. C ause I lift weights D. Cause I’m the hero
September 2012 E. A nd don’t you forget it
19 F. Cause Olive Oyl loves me G. To outlast Bluto
19. When it’s least expected, you’re elected, you’re the star today… A. Smile, you’re on Candid Camera B. Smile, you’re on Star Search C. S mile, you won
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Check out our seasonal specials! ANDREW LOCHHEAD, GM
Eighty players suited up for the Varsity and JV teams in the spring of 2003.
answers on page 20
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September 2012 Q: What do you call a bee which is born in the month of May? A: A maybee. Q: What do you call a camel with three humps? A: Humphrey.
Baby Boomer Test answers 1.
D - Wonder Bread
2. G - Cassius Clay 3. B - He Is us 4. A - Good night, Chet 5. G - When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent 6. D - Maynard G. Krebs 7. C - Pants on fire 8. F - The American Way 9. C - It’s Howdy Doody Time
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Q: What do you call a man who walks through the autumn leaves? A: Russell.
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10. E - Oh my
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11. D - Over 30 12. C - Joe Namath 13. G - A little dab’ll do ya 14. G - On Blueberry Hill 15. B - Mary Martin 16. G - John, Paul, George, Ringo 17. D - Who wrote the book of Love 18. B - Cause I eats me spinach 19. A - Smile, you’re on Candid Camera 20. F - Melt in your mouth not in your hand
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September 2012 ZEN TEACHING 1.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not
LIZA’S
follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just leave me the Hell alone. 2. Sex is like air. It’s not that important unless you aren’t getting any. 3. No one is listening until you fart. 4. Always remember you’re unique. Just like
HOROSCOPES September 2012
ARIES: If you are looking for love/romance, this month you just may find it. It’s a great month for fun and entertainment. Your creative side comes out to play. TAURUS: Quiet time at home will do you a world of good during this time. Relations with parents goes well. Redecorating the home will do you a world of good. GEMINI: Communications of all types really picks up speed. Your eloquent in with your speech. You may find there is a considerable amount of love in your daily life. CANCER: Keep those credit cards at home. Your urge to spend will be great during this time. However, any financial negotiations will go extremely well. LEO: Your looking fabulous during this time and others are noticing. Expressing yourself will come with the greatest of ease. Compromise will work to your benefit. VIRGO: You may be called upon to take care of a loved one during this time. However, do not fall into the negative trap of being a martyr. You have much love to give. LIBRA: Friends and group associations will take up most of your time during this month. Start dreaming of what you want for the future; these dreams will manifest very soon. SCORPIO: Authority figures will see you in a good light during this time. Hand out those resumes if need be. A love relationship with someone older may manifest. SAGITTARIUS: Check your passport and make sure all documents are in order as travel may come up. A good time to start writing that book you have been thinking about. CAPRICORN: Money may come to you through family or business associates. Your sexual nature is turned up a notch so go after the one you want. AQUARIUS: Partnerships of the business and personal nature will thrive during this time. You will understand the needs of your partner and give them what they need. PISCES: A great time for self expression and pouring energy into your creative side. Relations with children and friends go ever so smoothly.
everyone else. 5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 6. If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive or dead, try missing a couple of payments. 7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. 8. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you. 9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. 10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it. 11. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything. 12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree. 13. Don’t worry, it only seems kinky the first time. 14. Good judgment comes from bad experience… and most of that comes from bad judgment. 15. A closed mouth gathers no foot. 16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works. 17. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
September 2012 18. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it. 19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass… then things just keep getting worse. 20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
WHY MEN WEAR EARRINGS A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow and is curious about his sudden change in ‘fashion sense.’ The man walks up to him and says, ‘I didn’t know you were into earrings.’ “Don’t make such a big deal, it’s only an earring,” he replies sheepishly. His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, “So, how long have you been wearing one?” “Ever since my wife found it in my car.” (I always wondered how this trend got started.)
HE WAS JEALOUS Peter was telling a friend that he had just lost his job. “Why did the foreman fire you?” the friend asked in surprise. “Oh,” Peter said, “you know how foreman are. They stand around with their hands in their pockets watching everybody else work.” “We all know that,” replied his friend. “But why did he let you go?” “Jealousy,” answered Pete. “All the other workers thought I was the foreman.”
Two BUNS are in the oven One says to the other “God it’s hot in here.” The other one replies “Oh no… It’s a talking bun.”
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