November 2012 | Your community humour magazine | issue 146
Calvin Basran: Frankie G’s Boilerhouse Pub Story on P8
Photo by Gabor Gasztonyi
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The Royal Westminster Regiment Armoury & Queens Avenue United Church
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November 2012
Peter Julian, MP Burnaby – New Westminster
Lest We Forget.
Remember those who served. All gave some, some gave all.
Serving Our Community
Need help with federal issues such as E.I., Income Tax, Canada Pension and Canada Student Loan? Please contact Peter Julian’s Community office for assistance. Peter Julian’s Community Office: 7615 Sixth St, Burnaby, BC V3N 3M6
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Photography: Gabor Gasztonyi, Trevor Batstone, Darren Lulka
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Fin Donnelly, MP New Westminster – Coquitlam & Port Moody
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Our freedom came with a price. Remember those who made the payment.
Need help with federal issues such as E.I., Income Tax, Canada Pension and Canada Student Loan? Please contact Fin Donnelly’s Community office for assistance. Fin Donnelly’s Community Office: 1116 Austin Ave, Coquitlam, BC V3K 3P5
Phone: 604-664-9229 l Email: fin.donnelly@parl.gc.ca l www.FinDonnelly.ca
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
November 2012
3
THE TOILET SEAT
Julie tried to lighten the embarrassment of
My wife, Julie, had been after me for several weeks to paint the seat on our toilet. Finally,
it all by saying, “Well, Doctor, I’ll bet you’ve never seen anything like this before.”
I got around to doing it while Julie was out.
The Doctor replied, “Actually, I’ve seen lots
After finishing, I left to take care of another
of them. I just never saw one mounted and
matter before she returned.
framed.”
She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she
THE DONATION
sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up,
Submitted by Jim Nicholas
she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy
Father O’Malley answers the phone.
paint had glued her to the toilet seat.
“Hello, is this Father O’Malley?”
About that time, I got home and realized her
“It is!”
predicament.
“This is the Canada Revenue Agency. Can
We both pushed and pulled without any
you help us?”
success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I
“I can!”
undid the toilet seat bolts.
“Do you know a Ted Houlihan?”
Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and I
“I do!” “Is he a member of your congregation?”
drove her to the hospital emergency room.
“He is!”
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (try to get a
“Did he donate $10,000 to the church?”
mental picture of this).
“He will.”
F I L I P X R R E G I M E N T
S Y Z E J T H G U A N N O C L
I E C R J Y T U F J A F M O B
M L I H N L S U G L M X A G T
N F Y R S R S N A R R I R S H
D M L W U I X W S E C R O F F
O E P A L O O T T T A V O Z O
P R V I N N M S I S N R N W G
O O E R O D I R E N A D E S H
C R L K E E E M A I D N K J E
S I H A M S I R L M I A U B Z
D G O F N G E A S T A L D Q C
V N F W H D Y R P S N L W S J
F O N T Q O A X I E R O W T F
H K Y B R L N M F W N H L B J
WORD SEARCH ARMOURIES
HOLLAND
CANADIAN
KONOWAL
CONNAUGHT
MAROON
DUKE
MIGHTY
FILIP
POLAND
FLANDERS
REGIMENT
FORCES
RESERVE
FUSILIERS
ROYAL
HOFFMEISTER
WESTMINSTER
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November 2012
NOW OFFERING PERSONAL ASTROLOGICAL READINGS! EMAIL LIZA FOR DETAILS: Liza_kol@hotmail.com
INNOCENCE IS PRICELESS One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small Canadian flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up; stood beside the little boy; and said quietly, “Good morning, Alex.” “Good morning. Pastor,” he replied, still focused on the plaque. “Pastor, what is this?” The pastor replied, “Well, son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who
November 2012 ARIES: All relationships go well for you this month. You are able to achieve harmony and understanding. Legal matters should work in your favour. TAURUS: All matters relating to your work and daily life will go smoothly for you this month. Your health will receive a positive boost, just avoid over indulgence. GEMINI: Love could blossom for you this month. Creative activities are favoured. This month is for fun so enjoy yourself. CANCER: A good month to catch up on those home renovations you have been putting off. Much can be accomplished around the home. LEO: You see beauty in everyday encounters with others. Much communication takes place this month. Just keep conversations light and friendly.
died in the service.” Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex’s voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, “Which service, the 11:00 a.m. or the 7:00 p.m.?”
GONE TO ROME A couple, desperate to conceive a child, went to their priest and asked him to pray for them. “I’m going on a sabbatical to Rome,” he replied, “and while I’m there, I’ll light a candle for you.” When the priest returned three years later,
VIRGO: Your in the mood to go shopping this month. You may want to keep those credit cards at home and put some money away for the future.
he went to the couple’s house and found
LIBRA: Being the peacemaker generally comes easy for you. However this month you may find yourself doing just that more often than usual.
sets of twins. Elated, the priest asked her
SCORPIO: Life has been very busy for you the past few months and now you seek rest and quiet. A good time to evaluate everything you have accomplished. SAGITTARIUS: Friends and social activities keep you busy this month. Your dreams and wishes can come true if you just put the energy into it. CAPRICORN: Favorable circumstances take place in your work and profession. Authority figures see you in a good light and look forward to your ideas and input. AQUARIUS: You may seek peace and security within your home life. If planning on purchasing a new home all will go well. Family will be of great assistance. PISCES: Thinking about travelling? This is a good month to take that holiday you have been dreaming about. Higher education is also favoured.
the wife pregnant, busily attending to two where her husband was so that he could congratulate him. “He’s gone to Rome, to blow that candle out” came the harried reply.
GONE FISHING A man calls home to his wife and says, “Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We’ll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I’ve been wanting so would you please pack me
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
November 2012
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up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas.” The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? He says, “Yes! Lot’s of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn’t you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?”
Remember those whose who have served
“I did, they’re in your tackle box.”
POLITENESS Son: Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady. Mom: Well, you have done the right thing. Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy’s lap.
778-773-0546 Follow me on Twitter!
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bmcintosh@newwestcity.ca www.bettymcintosh.ca
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November 2012
Serving New Westminster since 2003. We thank all of you for your continued support of the last nine years!
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November 2012
SHILOH/6TH AVE UNITED CHURCH FALL FAIR 2012 November 3, 10:00 am - 2:00 pm 1111 Sixth Ave
Antiques & collectables; jams, jellies & preser ves; CDs, hot dogs & pop; at tic treasures; home baking; books & records; crafts; kids’ items; plants and more…
FREE CITIZENSHIP CLASSES November 7, 10:00 am - 1:00 pm New Westminster Public Library
Prepare for the Canadian citizenship test for free. To register: phone MOSAIC at 604-5223722, ext. 155. Sponsored by the Library and MOSAIC’s Settlement Program.
GET ANIMATED! NFB’S ANNUAL ANIMATION CELEBRATION (13+) November 8, 6:30 pm New Westminster Public Library
In a hands-on-workshop you will learn how to animate using different techniques including pixilation. You’re welcome to bring costumes, story ideas and a flash drive to save your work. Then enjoy the animated film Rose & Violet. Presented as part of Get Animated! NFB’s annual animation celebration, in partnership with Reel2Real. Recommended for teens and adults. Registration begins October 15.
THE NEW NEW WEST ECONOMIC FORUM November 8 La Perla Ballroom at the River Market
With its central location, proximity to quality health care, education, rapid transit, major highways, ports and YVR, New West is now solidly on the radar of savvy entrepreneurs,
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developers and investors alike. Once the economic powerhouse of the Lower Mainland, New Westminster is undergoing revitalization and resurgence. New infrastructure and amenities are laying the groundwork for growth and new businesses are being established to serve the needs of the city’s expanding population. The New Westminster Economic Forum will showcase why New West is a key destination for those seeking future investment, expansion and location prospects. Join speakers such as Bob Rennie and find out what is driving all the change and why New Westminster is a City on the Rise.
REMEMBRANCE DAY CEREMONIES
November 11, 10:00 am The Royal Westminster Regiment Armoury and Queens Avenue United Church The 2012 Remembrance Day Ceremonies will be held at 10:00 am on Sundy, November 11th at The Royal Westminster Regiment Armoury (live) and at Queens Avenue United Church (live broadcast). The memorial address will be delivered by Mr. Jack McGee. Participants are requested to assemble at either location at 9:30 am. The doors to the Armoury will be closed at 9:45 am. Both sites are wheelchair, stroller and sight assistant dog friendly. Following the ceremonies, there will be a parade from the Armoury to the Cenotaph at the front of City Hall, where the two minutes of silence will be observed at 11:00 am. This will be followed by the wreath laying ceremony and the march past on Royal Avenue.
MCY ENTERTAINMENT PRESENTS KAMIKAZEE & MOCHA GIRLS November 18, 6:30 pm Massey Theatre
Tickets: $50.00 orchestra section; $35.00 balcony section (inclusive of service charges) available at various Filipino community outlets or by calling 604-812-2728; 778-898-6665; 604-347-8456 735 Eighth Ave 604-521-5050 www.masseytheatre.com
HISTORICAL SOCIETY: OUR HISTORY THROUGH MAPS November 21, 7:30 pm New Westminster Public Library
Guest Derek Hayes, the author of many excellent historical map books, will talk about his upcoming revision of one of BC’s map books.
“AS A COMMUNITY SERVICE, WE ARE PROUD TO NOT SELL TOBACCO PRODUCTS.” — RIDA BAZZI NO TOBACCO
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November 2012
personally selected all the timbers and wood finishing materials, from the MacMillan Bloedel site in Queensborough. Fourteen years? That’s nothing in the Basran family. The Basrans have lived, worked and prospered in the New Westminster community of Queensborough for over seventy years. Calvin’s grandparents, Ray and Boilerhouse pub in Queensborough Rosie Basran, came to the area in the is just coming up to its 14t h 1920’s with their family and started anniversary and manager Calvin a fire wood delivery business that
Frankie G’s
A Family Tradition in Queensborough by Gabor Gasztonyi Basran is starting to think about doing some extensive renovations, but at the same time still keeping the boiler house theme. This will be an exciting project considering that back in 1999 the new building was awarded commercial building of the year at the Royal City Builders Awards — no small accomplishment. On top of that it was also awarded Building of the Year. His dad
APEX’cS e i al s
extended from Queensborough and out into the Fraser Valley. From that simple beginning the family business gradually expanded into the lumber transport business and finally into the wood recycling and reclamation business, through the family owned firm Basran Industries. It is managed today by his father, Ron Basran and his uncle Paul. Calvin, who manages Frankie G’s is grateful to have an
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November 2012
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experienced set of eyes and hands helping him plan the future of this very well-known, Queensborough landmark. That strong family connection and support really helps to explain the success of this thriving establishment. Born in the Royal City along with his dad Ron, Calvin went to Queen Elizabeth Elementary School before it burned then and then on to New West Secondary School. An avid lacrosse and hockey player, he was a teammate of Matt Green who went on to play lacrosse in the U.S. One of the areas which is very important to Calvin as well as the entire Basran family is supporting local charity initiatives which help the community. Calvin recently partnered with The Terminal Pub on a recent fundraiser which generated a healthy contribution to the Royal City Hospital Foundation. But on another note, as this writer is always interested in food, I just had to ask Calvin what his favorite meal was at the Boilerhouse and he said unequivocally, the sea-food linguine, along with a nice glass of Stanley Park amber beer.
“Oh, really,” I said. “Any of our pasta dishes are fantastic,” Calvin replied. “Well, I don’t really have time now, Calvin to try one but, hope to drop in the Friday. Will you book me a spot right here by the Boiler wall. “Certainly”, he said with a smile. Calvin went on to say that their head chef Sat Deol has worked as a chef around the world and earned a chefs diploma in Italy and is a specialist in Mediterranean cooking. Sat has a real passion for food, Calvin remarked and selects only the best fresh local ingredients for his creations. Well, it certainly pays to make a trip across the Queensborough bridge and check all this out, as I am doing this Friday. I glanced at the menu and noticed another favorite, lamb osso buco, lamb shanks braised in Italian wine. Haven’t seen that on a menu in New Westminster for years. Frankie G’s Boilerhouse is so much more than a pub, it’s a family tradition and worthy of being on anyone’s fine dining list. Drop in soon. And let Calvin know end I sent you.
Frankie G’s Boilerhouse Pub 315 Ewen Avenue, Queensborough Check them out on Facebook. Menu specials are listed daily. www.frankiegspub.com
THE VISITOR By Glenn Jones
#26-8720 Forest Grove Drive, Burnaby BC V5A 4C9 | 604-433-3986 | E-mail: glenn-jones@shaw.ca
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November 2012
ECCW Pro Wrestling News
Ravenous Randy was a big winner in ECCW’s long-awaited return to New Westminster at Extreme Revival on October 10th! In a bloody Extreme Three Way Match, Randy defeated Scotty Mac and Sid Sylum! Bishop kept the NWA Canadian title over a very tough Artemis Spencer! In tag team action, Ring Ka King’s Bollywood Boyz defeat “Dastardly” Danni Deeds & Moondog Manson by disqualification. In a battle of two of ECCW’s best, Tony Baroni defeated El Phantasmo. The monster known as Cremator Moondog Manson scored a big win over ECCW tag team title co-holder Jamie Diaz. In an intergender encounter, Riot member Nicole Matthews defeated Mike Santiago. ECCW has a history of helping those in need. This year will be the third year that ECCW has helped the SHARE Family & Community Services. It all began with a 3 day extravaganza in 2009. 248. Think about how many wrestling fans can say how long it took for them to see 248 matches. Think about how long it
would normally take for any wrestler to say that they were involved in 248 matches. From April 2nd to 5th 2009, it can be safe to say that ECCW accomplished both feats. This unheard of event was created and executed in the name of helping our local food banks. Wrestling With Hunger worked with SHARE Family & Community Services to achieve their goal by hosting a wrestling event unlike no other. 20 Wrestlers – 3 Days – 1 Record It is with great pride that ECCW pulled off a 72 hour wrestling event and helped raise over 3,000 pounds of food and $3000 cash. The efforts put forth by the wrestlers, and many volunteers, can never be understated. For one weekend, the Hyde Creek Rec Center helped countless people. With enough food donated to outweigh a black rhinoceros, you can see why WWH was a weekend that people will never forget. This year ECCW will be hosting Wrestling With Hunger on November 10 at the Elks Lodge #49 2272 Leigh Square in Port Coquitlam. Fans bringing a non-perishable food item or cash donation will have a chance to win some fabulous prizes. Tickets are now for sale at www.ECCW.com and shop.eccw.com
Don’t miss ECCW in PoCo!
Upcoming ECCW Events NOV 3 Russian Community Centre, Vancouver
NOV 10 Elks Hall #49, Port Coquitlam
GOD AND ADAM
DEC 7 Sullivan Hall, Surrey
DEC 8 Russian Community Centre, Vancouver
Adam said,”What is a hill?”
God said, “Adam, I want
So, God explained to Adam
you to do something for me.”
what a hill was. He told
DEC 15 Sapperton Pensioners Hall, New Westminster
God first said (under His breath), “Geez…” And then, just like
Adam said, “Gladly, Lord,
Adam, “On the other side of
everything else, God explained
what do you want me to do?”
the hill you will find a cave.”
that to Adam, as well.
God said, “Go down into that valley.” Adam said,
After God explained, he
“What’s a valley?” God explained it to him. Then God said, “Cross the river.”
God explained that to him, and then said, “Go over to
the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the
a woman.”
cave, and finds the woman.
Adam said, “What’s a So God explained that to
river?”
So, Adam goes down into
said, “In the cave you will find
woman?”
Adam said, “What’s a
the hill…”
Adam said, “What’s a cave?”
Then, in about five minutes, he was back. God, his patience wearing
him, too. Then, God said, “I
thin, said angrily, “What is it
want you to reproduce.”
now?”
Adam said, “How do I do that?”
And Adam said… “What’s a headache?”
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
November 2012
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ED & NANCY Submitted by Jim Nicholas
Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home. Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last. On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, “I guess you can tell I’m very much in love with you. I’d like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it’s only fair to warn you, I’m a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that’s going to be a problem for us, you’d better say so now!” Nancy took a deep breath and responded,
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“Ed, that certainly won’t be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we’re being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I’ve been a hooker.” Ed said, “I bet it’s because you’re not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.”
THE EYES IF THE BEHOLDER A man has sued her local hospital saying that after treating his wife recently, she has lost all interest in sex. A hospital spokesman replied. “The woman was admitted in Ophthalmology, all we did was
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November 2012 WHAT’S UP DOC? A gastroenterologist claims these are actual comments made by his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies: “Take it easy, Doc, you’re boldly going where no man has gone before.” “Find Amelia Earhart yet?” “Can you hear me NOW?” “Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!” “Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?”
“REMEMBERING THOSE WHO SACRIFICED FOR US.”
“You know, in some states, we’re now legally married.” “Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?” “You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey…”
M a yor Wa y n e W r igh t
“Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!” “If your hand doesn’t fit, you musta quit!” “Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.”
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“You used to be an executive at Enron, didn’t you?” “Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?”
THE TEACHER HAS BIG MANGOS The teacher asked little Peter; “If I have 5 mangoes in one hand and five mangoes in the other, what do I have?” “Big Hands,“ said Peter
WHITE HAIR One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?”
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
November 2012 Her mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.” The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, “Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?”
GOT THE TIME? A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. “Officer, look what they’ve done to my Beemer,” he whined. “You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick,” retorted the officer, “You’re so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn’t even notice that your left arm was ripped off!” “Oh my god”, replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, “Where’s my Rolex!”
THE SENIOR CITIZEN Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn’t ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, ‘ I bet any minute now some senior citizen is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we’re selling.’ No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior citizen walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked “What are you sellin’ here?” One of the men replied sarcastically, “We’re selling jackasses.” Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, “You’re doing well. Only two left.”
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November 2012 SELL YOUR HOME FAST AND FOR MORE!
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THE TROOPER A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about 2 miles south of the Georgia/ South Carolina state line.
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When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Savannah to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn’t want to be late. The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the river would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn’t
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November 2012
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While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunk good old boy, from S.C., got out and watched the performance briefly, he then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The Trooper observed him
POET’S CORNER
with Poet Laureate New We
CANDICE JAMES
stminster
doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there’s no way in hell I can pass that test.”
WEATHERMAN It was two o’clock in the morning and a husband and wife were asleep, when suddenly the phone rang. The husband picked up the phone and said, “Hello? How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man,” and promptly slammed the phone down. His wife rolls over and asks, “Who was that?” The husband replies, “I don’t know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear.”
ADVICE FOR AN OLD GUY I was working out at the gym when I spotted a sweet young thing walking in… I asked the trainer standing next to me, “What machine should I use to impress that lady over there?” The trainer looked me over and said, “I would recommend the ATM in the lobby.”
Where were Warships built in New Westminster during WW1? Large wooden ships for the war effort were built there. Ship launching ways are still visible on the island’s upriver end.
He Came With the Poppies by Franci Louann I remember back in the fi fties at School Section No.2 Logan Township in Ontario in the one-room little red schoolhouse— back in the fi fties in early November the old man from the Legion came with the poppies… in his navy Legion jacket with the goldembroidered emblem— his navy wool tam pulled down to the right over his silver hair close to his blue eyes his pale blue eyes his tear-filled eyes— he came with the poppies…
back in the fi fties at No. 2 Logan we were too young to remember— we hadn’t heard of post-traumatic stress disorder— they didn’t tell us about shell-shock— now I remember his blue eyes his pale blue eyes his tear-filled eyes— he came with the poppies…
Franci Louann is a West Coast woman born in Stratford, Ontario—as ‘Frances Louann Workman’. She has a strong work ethic and has won prizes for her poetry. Her first publication of note was in Dorothy Livesay’s last anthology, Woman’s Eye, 12 B.C. poets (Air, 1974 & 1975). In 2010, Lipstick Press published her Beach Cardiology, available for $8 at Renaissance Books. Also there you may find her work in The Wild Weathers: a gathering of love poems (51 poets, edited by Ursula Vaira, Leaf Press, 2012), and in some local anthologies. Franci is co-founder and facilitator of New Westminster’s Poetic Justice. She enjoys workshopping poetry, mentoring, naming, renaming and proofreading. flouann@telus.net
New West Poets: please submit your “New West” poems for this column to candicejames@shaw.ca or call 778-322-1131 for info.
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November 2012 THE SPEEDING TICKET “What am I supposed to do with this,” grumbled the motorist as the police clerk handed him a receipt for his traffic violation. “Keep it,” the clerk advises. “When you get four of them, you get a bicycle.”
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If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.
FOUR LETTER WORDS A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling. “I’m O.K. but I didn’t like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,” he answered. “What did he say,” asked the nurse. “Oops!”
BROTHEL TRIP Submitted by Jim Nicholas
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. “I’m 90 years old,” he says. “90!” replies the woman. “Don’t you realize you’ve had it?” “Oh, sorry,” says the old man. “How much do I owe you?”
BLOND MEN JOKES Submitted by Judy Bishop
1. Two blond men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station. One asked, “What if one explodes before we get there?” The other says: Another fine “time distraction” brought to you by your local Piffle Magazine.
“We’ll lie and say we only found two.”
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
November 2012
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2. A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: “Did you find the shampoo?” He answers, “Yes, but I’m not sure what to do… it’s for dry hair, and I’ve just wet mine.” 3. A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope “DO NOT BEND”. He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up. 4. A blond man shouts frantically into the phone “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!” 5. “Is this her first child,” asks the Doctor. “No,” he shouts. “This is her husband!” 6. A blonde man’s dog goes missing and he is frantic. His wife says “Why don’t you put an ad in the paper?” He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing. “What did you put in the paper,” his wife asks. “Here boy,” he replies. 7. An Italian tourist asks a blonde man, “Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?” To which the blonde man replies, “If they fell forward, they’d still be in the boat.”
DRESSING UP A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
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APARTMENT FIRE SAFETY
Whether you are in a high rise condominium or a 2-story apartment building, there are steps you can take to remain safe from a fire. If you hear the building fire alarm, take it seriously. Every second delayed wastes valuable time needed to escape. For this reason, developing and practicing a home escape plan with all residents is so important. If a fire starts in your building you must know how to get out quickly. Don’t wait to find out the severity of the situation. Your home escape plan should include two ways to exit out of your apartment and a designated, outside meeting place away from the building. Remember to not use the elevator during a fire emergency. If you are unable to use the stairs, stay in your apartment and call 9-1-1. Tell the dispatcher where you are and ask for help. If the fire is in your unit, quickly go to the stairwell, pull the fire alarm, and wait on the stair landing for help.
PREPARING FOR THE HEATING SYSTEM
As summer ends, it is a good time to prepare for the heating season and arrange servicing of your natural gas and propane heating equipment. Have work done by a licensed gas contractor registered with the BC Safety Authority. • Inspect your furnace, hot water boiler, fireplace and other gas appliances. Manuals provided with appliances contain operating and maintenance instructions. • Confirm that chimneys, vents and combustion air supply ducts are not blocked or corroded. • Clear obstructions away from gas meters and shut off valves so that they are easy to get to in case of an emergency. • Check that exterior steel pipes are painted to prevent corrosion. • Underground piping to pool heaters, separate garages or other outbuildings should be checked for corrosion and leaks. • Know the symptoms of carbon monoxide poisoning and consider the purchase of a carbon monoxide alarm. Position alarms where recommended by the manufacturer. While an alarm may provide an extra measure of protection, they are not a substitute for regular inspection and maintenance of natural gas and propane appliances. • If you have a baby or toddler, consider purchasing a fireplace safety gate or guard to keep children away from hot fireplace glass and other surfaces. • Natural gas and propane have a sulphur or rotten egg smell. If you think you smell gas, leave the building and then call your gas supplier. Your New Westminster Fire and Rescue Services cares about you and your safety! If you require further information, please visit our website at: www.newwestcity.ca or call the Fire Prevention Division at 604-519-1004.
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November 2012
“Can you spot the difference in these identical digital hearing aids?”
A JOKE FROM JOLLY OLD ENGLAND Didn’t like shopping there anyway. Yesterday I was at my local TESCO’s store buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
Did you spot it? Here’s a hint: It isn’t the size or the material it’s made of. It isn’t the shape, colour… or anything you could even see with the naked eye.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a
The difference between these identical hearing aids is the price. The one on the left sells for $1458 while the one on the right can cost as much as $3495!
dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again.
Why such a big price difference? It’s the number of available features inside. The more features, the higher the price.
stone before I woke up in intensive care with
I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I’d lost 2 tubes coming out of most of my orifices and
You can avoid overpaying for heading aids by knowing which features you need and the ones you can do without.
IVs in both arms.
You can get a FREE REPORT with all the details by calling toll-free 1-800-749-6865 (ext 2013) for a 24-hour free recorded message.
load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.
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(I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to
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sniff an Irish Setter’s arse and a car hit me. I
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LUNCH TIME There were 3 men who were working on a bridge. One of the worker’s name was John,
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Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
November 2012
19
box and saw what their wives had gave them for lunch. When John opened his lunch, he saw that he had peanut butter and jelly, so then he said, “If my wife gives me the same lunch tomorrow, I’m going to jump off this bridge. Then Randall opened his lunch and saw that he had spaghetti and meatballs. So then he also said the same thing as what John said. Then when Joe opened his lunch he saw that he was having a chicken salad. So then he said that he too was going to jump off the bridge if he got the same lunch the next day. So the next day, all 3 men had the same lunch from yesterday and they all jumped off. A week later when the funeral was sche duled, John’s wife said, “If my sweetie-pie told me he wanted a new lunch, he should have told me!” Then Randalls wife said “Why did he do it? Why??” Then Joe’s wife said, “Why did he jump off the bridge? He packed his own lunch!”
JOB INTERVIEW Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, “And what starting salary were you looking for?” The Engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits
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package.” The interviewer enquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?” The Engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?” And the interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”
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November 2012 THE ETHICAL JUDGE A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. “If I lose this case, I’ll be ruined.” “It’s in the judge’s hands now,” said the lawyer. “Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?” “Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn’t even smile at the judge.” Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, “Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!” “I’m sure we would have lost the case if you’d sent them.” “But, I did send them.” “What? You did,” said the lawyer, incredulously. “Yes. That’s how we won the case.” “I don’t understand,” said the lawyer.
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November 2012
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“It’s easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but
he could think of until, just a few feet from the
enclosed the plaintiff’s business card.”
edge of the cliff, he shouted, “Our Father Who Art in Heaven! The animal stopped instantly.
THANK GOD Mr. Marlow was strolling through the country when he saw a stable with the most beautiful
Shaking and perspiring, Marlow reached into his pocket and pulled out a handkerchief. “Thanks God,” he said as he mopped his brow…
horse he ever laid eyes on. It was seventeen a fine, flowing mane. Mr. Marlow struck a deal
RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE
to buy it from the owner who did, however,
1. It’s important to have a woman who helps
hands high and white, with rippling muscles and
pass on one key piece of information. “We are a religious family, Mr.Marlow, and we’ve instilled those values in our horse. To get him to gallop you must say ‘Thanks God’ to get him to stop you must say ‘Our Father Who Art
at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job. 2. It’s important to have a woman who can make you laugh. 3. It’s important to have a woman who you
in Heaven,” Settling into the saddle, Marlow
can trust, and doesn’t lie to you.
said “Thanks God,” and the animal took off.
4. It’s important to have a woman who is
They rode for miles; suddenly they were
good in bed, and likes to be with you.
coming up to a cliff. Unfortunately, Marlow
5. It’s very, very, very important that these
couldn’t remember the phrase to make the
four women do not know each other or
animal stop and tried every Biblical passage
you could end up dead like me.
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November 2012 MEMORIES Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other,” Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?” “Outstanding,” Fred replied. “They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great.” “That’s great! And what was the name of the clinic?” Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn’t remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, “What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?” “You mean a rose?” “Yes, that’s it!” He turned to his wife, “Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?”
DON’T MAKE A NURSE ANGRY A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, “I have to take your temperature.” After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
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Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
November 2012
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“No, I’m sorry, the nurse stated, “but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer.” This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over
595 6th St. New Westminster www.theconezone.ca 778 397-1111
and bared his rear end. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, “I have to get something. Now you
of
stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!” She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man’s doctor comes into the room. “What’s going on here,” asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answers, “What’s the matter, Doc? Haven’t you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?” After a pause, the doctor confesses, “Well, no. I guess I haven’t. Not with a carnation anyway.”
✁
595 6th Street, New Westminster www.theconezone.ca 778 397-1111 hello@theconezone.ca
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GUNINNESS Three leaders of the big beer companies meet for a drink. The president of Budweiser orders a Bud. Miller’s president orders a Millers and the president of Coors orders a Coors. When
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it is Guinness turn to order he orders a pop. “Why didn’t you order a Guinness everyone asks?” “Nah,” Guinness replies. “If you guys aren’t having a beer, neither will I.”
One of the best gifts you can give this Christmas… is the gift of your time. The Salvation Army is looking for enthusiastic, responsible individuals to assist with their 2012 Christmas Fundraising activities in New Westminster, Coquitlam, Port Moody and Port Coquitlam. Volunteer as a family-Volunteer with a friend-Volunteer as a staff team-Volunteer as a community group. Give 2 hours, 4 hours, a day, or join up for several shifts throughout the campaign.
The Christmas Kettle Campaign runs November 15th to December 24th, 2012 Call Nadine at 604-521-5043 or email newwest_kettles@shaw.ca for more info.
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The City of New Westminster, in solemn thought, remembers those who have fought for our freedom.
ANDREW LOCHHEAD, GM
Poplar Island was once the site of World War I shipbuilding.
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