December 2012 | Your community humour magazine | issue 147
Salvation Army Pastor Sharon Tidd: Giving is key to making the holidays special Story on P8 Photo by Gabor Gasztonyi
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LACROSSE “The Rest of the Story” BY ED GOSS
PAGE 13
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December 2012
Fin Donnelly, MP Seasons Greetings New Westminster – Coquitlam & Port Moody
Serving Our Community
Wishing you a Happy Holiday Season!
Need help with federal issues such as E.I., Income Tax, Canada Pension and Canada Student Loan? Please contact Fin Donnelly’s Community office for assistance. Fin Donnelly’s Community Office: 1116 Austin Ave, Coquitlam, BC V3K 3P5
Phone: 604-664-9229 l Email: fin.donnelly@parl.gc.ca l www.FinDonnelly.ca
Funny Bones by Jones Magazine Locally Owned & Published Fourth floor, 604 Columbia St New Westminster, BC V3M 1A5
Chris Sargent Owner & Publisher, Sales Email: publisher@piffle.ca
604-525-9027 Catch them while they’re laughing!
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Photography: Gabor Gasztonyi, Trevor Batstone, Darren Lulka
Glenn Jones would like to hear from his fans. E-mail him at funnybones.by.jones@gmail.com.
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Peter Julian, MP Wishing you a very Burnaby – New Westminster Serving Our Community
Wishing you a very Merry Christmas!
Need help with federal issues such as E.I., Income Tax, Canada Pension and Canada Student Loan? Please contact Peter Julian’s Community office for assistance. Peter Julian’s Community Office: 7615 Sixth St, Burnaby, BC V3N 3M6
Phone: 604-775-5707 l Email: peter.julian.c1@parl.gc.ca l www.PeterJulian.ca
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December 2012
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CHRISTMAS AT THE POST OFFICE A blonde goes to the post office to buy
pessimist’s room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist’s room he loaded with
stamps for her Christmas cards. She says
horse manure.
to the clerk, “May I have 50 Christmas
That night the father passed by the
stamps?”
pessimist’s room and found him sitting amid
The clerk says, “What denomination?”
his new gifts crying bitterly.
The woman says, “God help us. Has it come
“Why are you crying,” the father asked.
to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.”
“Because my friends will be jealous, I’ll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I’ll constantly need
OPTIMIST VS PESSIMIST
batteries, and my toys will eventually get
A family had twin boys whose only
broken,” answered the pessimist twin.
resemblance to each other was their looks.
Passing the optimist twin’s room, the father
If one felt it was too hot, the other thought
found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure.
it was too cold. If one said the TV was too
“What are you so happy about,” he asked.
loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was
To which his optimist twin replied, “There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere!”
an eternal optimist, the other a doom and
Elves Know!
gloom pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on the
Q: What do elves learn in school?
twins’ birthday their father loaded the
E R W E E P O O X A M Y A S A
E X Y H D K S I I J U A U I V
S R O E N E U S V G G D G R E
P A M L P A S L E A L V U H K
L H M H K E Z S L O S E S C R
L H C T M H I A I A T N T U V
Y V Y E S W T C R A N T U I K
A Z N B E I A E X E X G S U A
O N T E A I R B H D T J E Q W
K N R N R R E H R U A H R L I
I H S Y S I T Q C J Y R A M S
T N S S U I N I R I U Q C E F
B I R T H F R S H E P H E R D
H W X Y R R A S E A C B N D A
ADVENT ANGELS AUGUSTUS BETHLEHEM
A G NT
T U E M S R V N J D H A S T X
A: The Elf-abet!
CHRIS
WORD
SEARCH
BIRTH CAESAR CHRIST
MESSIAH
CHRISTMAS
NAZARETH
GALATIANS
QUIRINIUS
JOSEPH
SAVIOR
JUDEA
SHEPHERD
LUKE
SYRIA
MARY
THREEWISEGUYS
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December 2012
NOW OFFERING PERSONAL ASTROLOGICAL READINGS! EMAIL LIZA FOR DETAILS: Liza_kol@hotmail.com
EARLY CHRISTMAS SHOPPING It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, “What are you charged with?” “Doing my Christmas shopping early”, replied the defendant. “That’s no offense”, said the judge. “How early were you doing this shopping?” “Before the store opened.”
YOU NEED TO JOIN THE ARMY OF THE LORD Chris was in front of me coming out of The Salvation Army one day, and the Corp Officer
December 2012 ARIES: The travel bug could hit during this time or your mind will be on distant places. Communications with relatives and neighbors goes extremely well. TAURUS: Intensity within all relationships will increase for you during this time. Money will be attracted to you so a good time to ask for that loan if need be. GEMINI: You will be able to express yourself with ease towards partners, coworkers and even enemies. A good time to make peace and not war. CANCER: Matters relating to work and your duties go extremely well during this time. Avoid fatty foods and concentrate on a healthy lifestyle. LEO: All matters relating to fun and entertainment are completely in your favour. A good time to discuss those agreements within your work or profession. VIRGO: Your in a quiet mood during the holidays and appreciate congenial people around you. Overindulgence with food and drink may cause digestive problems. LIBRA: You may find you have a considerable amount of love in your everyday life. You will be more sensitive to beauty and your general surroundings. SCORPIO: Financial opportunities arise but you may find yourself spending what you receive. Borrowing money should not be difficult. SAGITTARIUS: Others will be pleased with your mannerism’s and expressions during this time. You’ve run out of fight and just aim to please; just don’t be manipulative. CAPRICORN: You may be called upon to look after a loved one during this time. Your forbearance and grace in handling tensions will bring rewards and respect. AQUARIUS: Group activities and friends will play a huge role around the holidays. Friendship brings love and love brings friendship. Just don’t overdue it. PISCES: Favorable circumstance on the professional front brings rewards mid month. Love may arise with someone older or on the job front.
was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. The Major grabbed Chris by the hand and pulled him aside. The Major said to him, “You need to join the Army of the Lord!” Chris replied, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.” The Major questioned, “How come I don’t see you except at Christmas and Easter?” He whispered back, “I’m in the secret service.”
Festive Q & A TIme! Q: What’s the most popular wine at Christmas? A: “I don’t like sprouts!” Q: If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get? A: Missletoe! Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? A: Frostbite. Q: Why was Santa’s little helper depressed? A: Because he had low elf esteem. Q: Why does Santa have 3 gardens? A: So he can ho-ho-ho. Q: Where do polar bears vote? A: The North Poll.
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December 2012
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Call 604-524-0500 • 7882 6th St, Burnaby Q: What do you get when you cross an archer
newwestminsterfrasers.blogspot.com
with a gift-wrapper? A: Ribbon hood.
Now available for sale at Renaissance Books and the New Westminster Museum
Q: Why do birds fly south for the winter? A: Because it’s to far to walk. Q: What kind of bird can write? A: A PENguin. Q: How does Al Gore’s household keep Christmas politically correct? A: On Christmas morning, they give the presents TO the tree.
Merry Christmas to All!
Q: What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? A: Sandy Claus! Q: How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas? A: Fleece Navidad! Q: What nationality is Santa Claus? A: North Polish.
778-773-0546 Follow me on Twitter!
@BettyM13
bmcintosh@newwestcity.ca www.bettymcintosh.ca
Best wishes for a Merry Christmas and a safe and Happy New Year! My office is here to assist you with provincial services and information.
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December 2012
Serving New Westminster since 2003. We thank all of you for your continued support of the last nine years!
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December 2012
26TH ANNUAL HYACK PARADE OF LIGHTS December 1, 4:00 p.m., Columbia Street
The parade is presented by the Hyack Festival Association and the City of New Westminster and is easily accessible by transit as the parade route travels from Columbia to the New Westminster SkyTrain stations. For more information, please visit www.hyack.bc.ca
JAPANESE URBAN PROJECTS EXHIBIT OPENING December 1, 3:00 p.m. – 4:00 p.m. Museum & Archives, 604-527-4640
Celebrate the opening of the Japanese Urban Projects in the 1960s exhibit. Drop-in Fee: By Donation
UNPLUGGED JAM SESSION
The Ukulele Group and the Century House Singers are coming together at Unplugged to have a great jam session appropriately called “Carols and Cookies”. If you play an instrument and would like to participate in this experience, come to Century House on December 5, from 7:00 p.m. – 9:00 p.m. It should be a rousing good time!
WESTFALL MOUNTAIN
A local folk-rock band, is having a CD RELEASE/ CHRISTMAS CONCERT at Renaissance Books at 43 6th Street in New Westminster. Sunday, December 16 from 1:00 p.m. – 3:00 p.m.
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THE GOLDEN AGE THEATRE PRESENTS: HAPPILY EVER AFTER December 7, 7:30 p.m., Century House 620 8th Street
A play directed by Margo Prentice, written by Greg Finnegan “Behind the scenes comedy with a fairytale ending” Friday December 7, 7:30 p.m. Saturday December 8, 1:30 p.m. Century House, 620 8th Street Phone 604-519-1066 • Tickets: $10, Members: $8 (available at front desk) • Refreshments included • Great Half time entertainment
VAGABOND PLAYERS PRESENT DEAR SANTA December 6 – 23, Bernie Legge Theatre Queen’s Park
Norm Foster delight ful family friendly Christmas comedy. Join the fun at the North Pole as Santa and his elves prepare for the Annual Christmas Eve run. December 6 – 23, 2012, Thursday to Saturday - 8:00 p.m. & Sunday matinees 2:00 p.m.
All proceeds support the Royal Columbian Hospital Foundation.
CHRISTMAS STORYTIME December 12 & 13, 10:15 a.m. New Westminster Public Library
Seasonal stories and rhymes for preschoolers from 2 to 5 years.
MAKE IT / SELL IT CHRISTMAS BAZAAR December 15, 11:00 a.m. - 5:00 p.m. Sapperton Pensioners Hall, 318 Keary Street
Present by the Bitmakaly Women’s Association For more information, contact bweo2011@gmail.com or visit www.facebook.com/BWEO2011
HISTORICAL SOCIETY COLD, SNOWY AND THE FRASER WAS FROZEN: SOME WINTER TALES December 19, 7:30 p.m. New Westminster Public Library
From the early decades come tales of extreme cold, heavy snowfalls, slippery conditions and the freezing of the Fraser River.
Special Matinee on December 22 at 2:00 p.m. with an evening performance at 8:00 p.m. Tickets: $15, Seniors/Students: $13
Mike Mountain and Bob Westfall have being playing around the lower mainland for the last 3 years. They both play acoustic guitar, sing and Bob plays harmonica as well. Mostly original music with a few classics thrown in the mix, such as some Bob Dylan, Johnny Cash and Blue Rodeo tunes.
Reservations: 604-521-0412 or book online: reservations@vagabondplayers.ca
FREE CITIZENSHIP CLASSES
• Tree Sales (by cash only)
ANNUAL TREE SALE & SANTA SHOPS SAPPERTON December 9, 11:00 a.m. – 3:00 p.m. Brewery District (200 Blk E. Columbia)
December 6, 10:00 a.m. – 1:00 p.m., New Westminster Public Library
• Santa Mailbox (at TD Bank)
Prepare for the Canadian citizenship test for free. To register: phone MOSAIC at 604522-3722, ext. 155. Sponsored by the New Westminster Public Library and MOSAIC Settlement Program.
• Carols
• Face Painting & Hot Dogs • Popcorn & Hot Chocolate • Free Gift for first 100 tree sales …and Santa Claus!
HOURS: MON TO FRI 9AM – 6PM | SUN 9AM – 3PM
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December 2012
New Westminster Sa Story by Gabor Gasztonyi
O
ne thing about the Salvation Army and it’s something that has stuck in my mind for a long time is that not only do they provide Christian ministries, bible study and places of worship, but they provide incredible service to communities and to people in all walks of life. Cadet Sharon Tidd the new pastor at the Salvation Army Church on 6th Street in New Westminster, organized the hot chocolate program during the recent winter Olympics in 2010. All those volunteers in blue, welcomed visitors and spectators on buses and on the SkyTrain with great cups of hot chocolate during the whole course of the Olympics. Even during that Gold medal game when folks were huddled in front of their television sets, or standing in front of that big screen on Hamilton Street, these volunteers stuck to their job and made sure hot chocolate was available. This writer was lucky enough to be in the Rogers Arena on that glorious day but it’s comforting to know that Salvation Army volunteers were busy outside helping visitors and welcoming them to our city, as we were all enjoying the game. Captain Dave MacPherson and his wife Lisa, the current pastors, who I might add have done an incredible job here in New Westminster, will be moving to Burnaby where they will taking care of Youth Ministries in BC. Although an avid Toronto Maple Leafs fan, Dave, since moving here to BC has developed a sympathy for our Canucks and if they were indeed playing right now he would be glued, I am sure, to the television set. Sharon has been with the Salvation Army for twenty four years and her parents Stan and Dorothy Radcliffe from Victoria, were officers in the Salvation Army and so were her grandparents. One could
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alvation Army: An inspiration to us all say she was born into the doing with the Salvation Salvationist movement Army, being an avid song For that is really the and her experience and writer, she still manages to trademark of the family background have pump out a few lyrics and helped her in her faith if we cross our fingers the movement — inspiring and in her calling. She Sunday choir might just faith but also doing practical i s lo ok i ng for w a rd sing a few of her tunes. to work i n g i n ou r By far the main fund things in the community com mu n it y a nd to raising source for the which demonstrate God’s love working in a spiritual Salvation Army is the and also a hands on level annual Christmas Kettle for all of us. in our community. For campaign in November that is really the trademark and December each year. of the movement — inspiring In fact our reg ion New faith but also doing practical things Westminster and Tri-Cities is the in the community which demonstrate number one fund raising area of British God’s love for all of us. The social services and Columbia and the fifth highest in Canada. So facilities including Buchanan Lodge, Sunday Meal Sharon and I urge you to donate generously to this programs, Thrift shop, recycling facilities, Stevenson year’s Kettle Campaign. I will be ringing the kettle House Shelter, Kids Club Day-Care, Bridge House- myself this year with fellow Rotarians at the Safeway Transitional housing, bed purchase program, and a at 800 Carnarvon Street and I might even be able very innovative painting program which employs to muster up a bit of hot chocolate for you, at least young people as well as others in rehabilitation are with Sharon’s help. all programs which benefit our community. It’s Sharon and all the people at New Westminster’s hard to imagine losing any of these very important Salvation Army wish you and your families the end programs. And in spite of all the work Sharon is very best during this Christmas Season.
THE VISITOR By Glenn Jones
#26-8720 Forest Grove Drive, Burnaby BC V5A 4C9 | 604-433-3986 | E-mail: glenn-jones@shaw.ca
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I n this c or n er … E CC W P ro wrest l i n g News
I
n a matter of weeks, ECCW returns to New Westminster for the first time since an amazing night at Halloween Hell.
On December 15th, Elite Canadian Championship Wrestling presents The Art of Wrestling. 2012 has been a great year for ECCW, and what better way to look forward to 2013 than a showcase of title matches and settling rivalries. Back in August, the Stallions defeated the then tag team champion Administration in a non-title match. In October, the Administration won with the tag titles on the line. In this rubber match, Artemis Spencer and Tony Baroni square off against Jamie Diaz and Scotty Mac one more time as both teams look to secure bragging rights and get back into the hunt for the tag team championships. At 2011’s Halloween Hell, KC Spinelli grew at last into a champion when she defeated Nicole Matthews for the ECCW Women’s championship. Since that time, Spinelli has taken her talents to such destinations as Montreal and Chicago in her quest to become the best wrestler that she can be. Now, over a year since the title changed hands, two of the best wrestlers the ECCW Women’s division has ever seen will once again lock horns with the championship up for grabs. Though he fell just short of winning the inaugural Shooting Star 6, El Phantasmo impressed the ECCW brass in such a way that he was offered a match against the new ECCW champion Sid Sylum. Sylum successfully regained his title in a war with his hated rival J_Sin Sullivan at Halloween Hell, and is eager to defend the title in a match with a wrestler the calibre of El Phantasmo. Has Sylum recovered enough from his own personal war, or will ELP finally rise to the occasion when championship gold is on the line? Whether he has been loved or hated, The Cremator has long served as the monster of ECCW for many years. Many challengers have come and gone, but has the masked madman finally met his match in Lak Saddartha? For the last two events in New Westminster, Lak has beaten and laid out the Cremator like no one has ever done before, as Rigor Von Slasher may have finally found the final piece to his symphony of destruction. The Cremator has promised to bury Lak Saddartha in New Westminster, but has he already dug his own grave?
Tickets are now for sale at www.ECCW.com and shop.eccw.com Don’t miss ECCW in New West! P iff l eServing m a g Smiles a z i nto e the | Lower D e c Mainland e m ber
2 0 1 2
December 2012
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10 THINGS I LEARNED FROM THE MOVIES 1. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty. 2. You’re very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home. 3. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do. 4. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. 5. If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange noises in their most diaphanous underwear, which is just what they happened to be carrying with them at the time the car broke down. 6. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long. 7. If someone says, “I’ll be right back”, they won’t. 8. Computer monitors never display a cursor
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on screen but always say: Enter Password Now. 9. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations. And none of your friends have to knock when they come for a visit. 10. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
Put a Fire Under it! Q: Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace? A: He wanted to sleep like a log.
Planning your Tropical Vacation? We’ve got Snorkeling Gear! Purchase a mask & snorkel and receive a bottle of mask defog for free!
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December 2012 Yuletide Q & A Q: Why does Santa’s sled get such good mileage? A: Because it has long-distance runners on each side. Q: What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby? A: Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer! Q: What was wrong with the boy’s brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas? A: Forty feet of track… all straight! Q: What do you get if you deep fry Santa
Merry Christmas TO OUR
ROYAL CITY FAMILIES M ayor Wayne Wr ight
Claus? A: Crisp Cringle. Q: What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus? A: We’ll have a boo Christmas without you. Q: What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve? A: Okay everyone, sack time!!
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Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast? A: Snowflakes. Q: If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called? A: A subordinate claus. Q: What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh, Ho, Ho, Swoosh? A: Santa caught in a revolving door! Q: Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? A: Because it “soots” him! Q: What do you do if Santa gets stuck in your chimney? A: Pour Santa flush on him.
WHAT IS A STABLE? Every Christmas morning, when my kids were little, I read them the nativity story out of the big family bible. When my son was old enough to talk, he asked me what a stable was.
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
December 2012 I thought for a moment how to explain it to him in terms he could understand, then told him, “It’s something like your sister’s room, but without a stereo.”
A CHAT WITH THE PASTOR One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing and staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him. Gazing up at the plaque, too, he said quietly, “Good morning son.” “Good morning pastor” replied the young man, not taking his eyes off the plaque. “Sir, what is this?” Johnny asked. “Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service,” replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque. Little Johnny’s voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, “Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?”
IT’S NOT GOOD FOR THE HEALTH A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Vancouver. “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I’m referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea.” The man in the front row lowered his head and said, “Wedding cake.”
13
LACROSSE “The Rest of the Story” BY ED GOSS Where are they now? Retirement for most is later in life, and only happens once. For high-level athletes, it can come two or even three times if you continue on coaching. Fellow teammate Steve d’Easum was 37 when he retired as a player, and 41 after coaching for the New Westminster Salmonbellies for four years. So sports was his life for 35 of his first 41 years of his life. Some find it very difficult and some just move on to their next phase of life with vigor. Steve and wife Barb didn’t hang around long after a major life decision in a big year of 1993. Not only did Steve, affectionately called “Stump” to most, get inducted into the Lacrosse hall of fame in 1993, they also moved to Merritt. Steve took a transfer with B.C. Ambulance and Barb set aside her Nurse’s cap and away they went for a 20 year venture in Merritt. First they bought 80 Acres of land, built a new Rancher house, bought horses and “Cowboyed” for a neighboring rancher and had a blast doing it. They subdivided land and built “d’Easum Road” in 2005. Steve retired from B.C. Ambulance in 2006 and stayed in Merritt until the summer of 2012. Now living happily in Kamloops, they enjoy looking after the yard and walking the dog along the River. Steve just turned 65 in November and their 42nd wedding anniversary is in February. Good luck you two and many more happy trails from your friends in New Westminster!
Ed Goss Associate Broker
604-644-0141 edgoss@shaw.ca • www.edgoss.com
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December 2012
INNER PEACE • If you can start the day without caffeine… • If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains… • If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles… • If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it… • If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time… • If you can take criticism and blame without resentment… • If you can conquer tension without medical help… • If you can relax without alcohol… • If you can sleep without the aid of drugs… Then you are probably the Family Dog! Q: Why did Santa spell Christmas N-O-E? A: Because the angel had said, “No L!”
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December 2012
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ADULT TRUTHS Submitted by Larry & Laura Sargent
1. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die. 2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong. 3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger. 4. There is great need for a sarcasm font. 5. How the h*ll are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? 6. Was learning cursive really necessary? 7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood. 8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died. 9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired. 10. Bad decisions make good stories. 11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day. 12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection… again.
This year’s CIBC Christmas Parade of Lights will begin at 4:00pm on Saturday, December 1s at 4th and Columbia and will travel along Columbia Street to Hyack Square. Who will be the Honourary Parade Marshal?
POET’S CORNER
with Poet Laureate New We
CANDICE JAMES
stminster
Winter’s Boot
Candice James, Poet Laureate Half rain, half snow Sleeting across my eyes. December in the city, Crisp wind, Silver sky, Shiny black streets; Daylight falls into Evening’s embrace. The sleet thickens, Unlaces winter’s boot, Becomes snow, Turns the black to bright, A surreal candle glow. A million shades of white Bleeding down in ivory beads; Seasonal shoppers Meeting and greeting; Whispers of Christmas Polishing the mood. The snow falls lighter now, Drifting, thinning out, Turning to half rain half snow, Spider webbing across my eyes, Lacing my heart up Inside winter’s boot. Candice James is the Poet Laureate of The City Of New Westminster, Past President of the Federation of BC Writers and the Author of 4 poetry books. Candice also organizes and hosts National Poetry month for the League of Canadian Poets annually.
New West Poets: please submit your “New West” poems for this column to candicejames@shaw.ca or call 778-322-1131 for info.
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December 2012 More Holiday Q & A Q: Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the RedNosed Reindeer? A: Because every buck is dear to him. Q: How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer “Olive?” A: Yeah, you know, “Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him
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names” Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit. Q: What was so good about the neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas? A: It was wound up already. Q: What’s a good holiday tip? A: Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter. Q: Did you hear that one of Santa’s reindeer now works for Proctor and Gambel? A: Its true… Comet cleans sinks! Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? A: Claustrophobic.
MOM’S COLD CREAM Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. “Why do you do that, mommy,” he asked. “To make myself beautiful,” said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. “What’s the matter,” asked Little Johnny. “Giving up?”
IRISH TALKING CLOCK After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong Another fine “time distraction” brought to you by your local Piffle Magazine.
and a mallet.
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
December 2012
17
“What’s that big brass gong,” one of the guests asked. “It’s not a gong. It’s a talking clock,” the drunk replied. “A talking clock? Seriously,” asked his astonished friend. “YUP, it is,” replied the drunk. “How’s it work,” the friend asked, squinting at it. “Watch,” the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, “You Idjit! It’s THREE-FIFTEEN in the MORNING!”
ANOTHER DAY AT TRANSIT Mother asks little Johnny, as they wait for the bus, to tell the driver he is 4 years old when asked because he will ride for free. As they get into the bus the driver asks Johnny how old he was. “I am 4 years old.” “And when will you be six years old,” asks the driver. “When I get off the bus,” answers Johnny.
IS THAT ART? Visiting the modern art museum, a lady turned to an attendant standing nearby. “This,” she said, “I suppose, is one of those hideous representations you call modern art?” “No, madam,” replied the attendant. “That one’s called a mirror.”
MAKING AN IMPRESSION To impress his date, the young man took her to a very chick Italian restaurant. After sipping some fine wine, he picked up the menu and ordered. “We’ll have the Giuseppe Spomdalucci,” he said. “Sorry, sir,” said the waiter. “That’s the owner.”
CHRISTMAS SEASON FIRE SAFETY CHOOSING A FRESH CHRISTMAS TREE
Test the tree for freshness by tapping the base on the ground. If needles fall, the tree may be too dry. Once you have the tree home, place it outside in a bucket of water until you are ready to decorate. Before bringing it inside, trim the stem diagonally so it can absorb water in the stand.
CANDLE SAFETY
Place wax candles in sturdy non-tip holders and never leave them burning while you are out. Keep burning candles away from Christmas wrap and decorations and always extinguish them before going to sleep.
CHRISTMAS FIRE SAFETY TIPS
• Have a smoke detector on every level of your home • Make sure your furnace and home heating appliances are in good working condition • Clean your wood-burning fireplace and have your chimney inspected • Never overload electrical circuits and make sure all electrical cords are in good condition • Place your Christmas tree well away from fireplaces and candles • Have a portable fire extinguisher in your kitchen. In the event of a grease fire, cover the container with a lid and turn off the heat source • Use only CSA approved Christmas lights and always unplug the light string before replacing a bulb • Outdoor Christmas lights generate too much heat for indoor use • Before you go to sleep, turn off all indoor lights and electrical decorations
NEW WESTMINSTER FIRE FIGHTERS CHARITABLE SOCIETY TOY DRIVE
On behalf of the New Westminster Fire Fighters Charitable Society, Royal City Center & Starlight Casino will be collecting donations of new, unwrapped toys throughout the month of December. Items for older kids (teenagers) are also needed and can be dropped off at the toy collection boxes.
CHRISTMAS TREE CHIPPING EVENT
Recycle your tree and help your community at the same time. New Westminster Fire Fighters are once again hosting a Christmas tree chipping event, by donation. Bring your undecorated tree to the Canada Games Pool parking lot Saturday, January 5th or Sunday January 6th, 11:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Bring your family and enjoy the face painting, popcorn and a barbeque. Hope to see you there! All of us at New Westminster Fire and Rescue Services wish you a safe and happy holiday season! Your New Westminster Fire and Rescue Services cares about you and your safety! If you require further information, please visit our website at: www.newwestcity.ca or call the Fire Prevention Division at 604-519-1004.
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December 2012
“Can you spot the difference in these identical digital hearing aids?”
KARATE CHOP There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and… WHACK!!… knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, “That was a karate chop
Did you spot it? Here’s a hint: It isn’t the size or
from Korea.” The little guy thinks “GEEZ,” but he gets
the material it’s made of. It isn’t the shape, colour… or anything you could even see with the naked eye.
back up on the stool and starts drinking
The difference between these identical hearing aids is the price. The one on the left sells for $1458 while the one on the right can cost as much as $3495!
again when all of a sudden… WHACK!!… the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says,
Why such a big price difference? It’s the number of available features inside. The more features, the higher the price.
little guy has had enough of this. He gets
You can avoid overpaying for heading aids by knowing which features you need and the ones you can do without.
You can get a FREE REPORT with all the details by calling toll-free 1-800-749-6865 (ext 2013) for a 24-hour free recorded message.
“That was a judo chop from Japan.” So the up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and… WHAM!!… knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, “When he gets up, tell him that’s a
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Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
December 2012
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• A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand! • Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused. • Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives. • My next house will have no kitchen… just vending machines. • I’d live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a speed bump. • Mother does not live here any more, clean up your own mess.
THE NOTE Submitted by Jim Nicholas
The wife left a note on the fridge: “It’s not working, I can’t take it anymore! Gone to stay at my Mother’s.” I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold. I have no idea what in the hell she was talking about… the fridge works fine.
THE BIG QUESTION “Dad, where did I come from,” asks this 10-years-old. The father was shocked that a 10 year old would be asking a question like that. He was hoping to wait a few more years before he would have to explain the facts of life, but he figured it was better a few years early than a few days too late, so, for the next two hours he explained every thing to his
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son. When he got finished, he asked his son what prompted his question to which his son replied, “I was talking to the new kid across the street and he said he came from Alberta, so I was just wondering where I came from.”
GRAPES Q: What did the green grape say to the purple grape? A: “BREATHE YOU IDIOT, BREATHE!”
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December 2012 SELL YOUR HOME FAST AND FOR MORE!
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PANDAS A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a meal. After eating he pulls out a gun, shoots the place to the ground, and runs
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away. Quickly the bartender runs after him yelling, “HEY YOU CAN’T DO THIS!!!” The panda turns around and yells “Yes I can. Look me up in the encyclopedia!”
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So, the bartender looks up “Panda” in the encyclopedia, and it reads “Panda: increasingly rare species of bear that can be found in the eastern part of Asia. It eats shoots and leaves.”
LAWS Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you’ll have to pee. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
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Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
December 2012 Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you
21 Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last. Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, someone will ask you to do
were late for work because you had a flat
something which will last until the coffee is cold.
tire, the very next morning you will have a
Murphy’s Law of Lockers: If there are only
flat tire.
two people in a locker room, they will have
Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move
adjacent lockers. Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances
faster than the one you are in now. (works
of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing
every time)
face down on a floor covering are directly
Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.
correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug. Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are
Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.
talking about. Brown’s Law: If the shoe fits, it’s ugly.
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December 2012 HEARD AT THE CARNIVAL Ladies and gentlemen, hobos and tramps, Bug-eyed mosquitoes and bowlegged ants! I’m about to tell you a story I’ve never heard before, So pull up a chair and sit on the floor. Admission is free, so pay at the door. One fine day, in the middle of the night, two, dead boys got up to fight. Back to back, they faced each other, drew their swords and shot each other. A deaf policeman heard the noise, and saved the lives of the two dead boys. If you don’t believe my lies are true, ask the blind man, he saw it too!
Dining Out • If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label. • Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME • A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. • Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.
RED-NECK TIPS FOR GOOD MANNERS Submitted by Jim Nicholas
• Never take a beer to a job interview.
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Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
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• Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. • It’s considered poor taste to take a cooler to church. • If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets. • Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
PERSONAL HYGIENE • While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys. • Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money. • Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY) • Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date. • Always have a positive comment about your
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date’s appearance, such as, “Ya’ll sure don’t sweat much for a fat gal.” • WEDDINGS Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. • Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift. • Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot. • For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance. • Though uncomfortable, say ‘yes’ to socks and shoes for this special occasion. • It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good a kisser his wife is.
One of the best gifts you can give this Christmas… is the gift of your time. The Salvation Army is looking for enthusiastic, responsible individuals to assist with their 2012 Christmas Fundraising activities in New Westminster, Coquitlam, Port Moody and Port Coquitlam. Volunteer as a family-Volunteer with a friend-Volunteer as a staff team-Volunteer as a community group. Give 2 hours, 4 hours, a day, or join up for several shifts throughout the campaign.
The Christmas Kettle Campaign runs November 15th to December 24th, 2012 Call Nadine at 604-521-5043 or email newwest_kettles@shaw.ca for more info.
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Honestly driven. 604-517-1230 oktirenw@shaw.ca 325A 12th Street New Westminster
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