January 2013 | Your community humour magazine | issue 148
Happy New Year from Chan’s Garden
Chinese Restaurant Story on P8
Photo by Gabor Gasztonyi
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MEET THE JONES’ Page 21 By Glenn Jones
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January 2013
Peter Julian, MP Burnaby – New Westminster Serving Our Community
Need help with federal issues such as E.I., Income Tax, Canada Pension and Canada Student Loan? Please contact Peter Julian’s Community office for assistance. Peter Julian’s Community Office: 7615 Sixth Street, Burnaby, BC V3N 3M6
Phone: 604-775-5707 l Email: peter.julian.c1@parl.gc.ca l www.PeterJulian.ca
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New Westminster – Coquitlam & Port Moody Serving Our Community
Need help with federal issues such as E.I., Income Tax, Canada Pension and Canada Student Loan? Please contact Fin Donnelly’s Community office for assistance. Fin Donnelly’s Community Office: 1116 Austin Avenue, Coquitlam, BC, V3K 3P5
Phone: 604-664-9229 l Email: fin.donnelly@parl.gc.ca l www.FinDonnelly.ca
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
January 2013
3
IF IT’S JANUARY 25, IT’S ROBBIE BURNS DAY Whether you call it Robbie Burns Day or
Scots have elevated whinging to an art form, they have not lost the ability to laugh at themselves.
Robbie Burns Night, or just Burns night, this
CHEAP & CHEERFUL LODGING
annual celebration of the Scottish poet’s birthday is not to be missed by the Scottish and those who wish they were!
A lodger in a Scottish guest house in Milngavie, near Glasgow, was on his way
Robert Burns is also known as Rabbie
to the bathroom carrying his shaving gear,
Burns, Scotland’s favourite son, the
when the landlady stopped him and said,
Ploughman Poet, the Bard of Ayrshire and (in
“Have you got a good memory for faces, Mr
Scotland) as The Bard. He lived from January
MacGregor?”
25, 1759 to July 21, 1796.
“Och aye,” Mac replied. “That’s just as well,” she said, “because
Funny Scottish Humour for a Burns Night Supper
there’s no mirror in the bathroom.”
It was only when researching these Scottish jokes that we remembered how dour, and
SCHOOTTISH KIRK [CHURCH] ANNOUNCEMENT
mean the Scot’s can be. Before people
The following was seen on a poster outside
complain about stereotyping, all Will and Guy
a Kirk in Arbroath: DRINK IS YOUR ENEMY.
can say is that the material was provided
Adjacent to this was another poster which
by a Scotsman! This reveals that while
E R Z Y A J R G G L I T A Y C
S M U S H E W W O T A A C U Q
M E I B T G B D L R B S E R Z
Q W N S K J M O G R E C G D E
R E N I X C C S I H R M E O E
A O I X U H O V K N D S I V W
M K C H R Q H N I Q E P B D R
X W S Y R T D Z N F E B B Y G
H G R U B N I D E A N Q O I E
L T O C L N M N L K B N R F S
W O R V W W S O T H I S T L E
W J C G U Q U Q I Y S N R U B
J D J H H N G A R H L T A D R
K S M V S R M Y G A P N E S S
A G NT
N C M X C Z M C G O E P I K N
said: Love your enemy.
CHRIS
WORD ABERDEEN BANNOCKBURN
SEARCH
BURNS EDINBURGH GLASGOW
NESS
GOLG
PITLOCHRY
LOCH
QUINES
LOUNS
ROBBIE
MONSTER
THISTLE
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January 2013
NOW OFFERING PERSONAL ASTROLOGICAL READINGS! EMAIL LIZA FOR DETAILS: Liza_kol@hotmail.com
JOB HUNTING IN SCOTLAND “Are you looking for work Jock?” “Not necessarily… but I’d like a job.”
SHOSTILE NATIVES MacTavish visited London for his annual holiday and stayed at a large hotel. However, he didnae feel that the natives were friendly. “At 4 o’clock every morning,” he told a friend, “they hammered on my bedroom door, on the walls, even on the floor and ceiling. Och, sometimes they hammered so loud I could hardly hear myself playing the bagpipes.”
January 2013 ARIES: Your daily life picks up steam and you are ready to get all the tasks you have been putting off done. Co-workers may cause you grief; think before speaking. TAURUS: Your creativity sparks a new high and you are able to express yourself with ease. Your desire nature is strong and any relationship started at this time will be powerful.
Scotland… The home of golf Sign at a Scottish golf course: “Members will refrain from picking up lost balls until they have stopped rolling.”
CANNY SCOTS At an auction in Glasgow a wealthy
GEMINI: Much activity takes place on the home front. Family could cause disagreements. Compromise is the key word for the month of January in the home and work place.
American announced that he had lost his
CANCER: Neighbors, relative and others you deal with on a daily basis may seem to cause you grief. You are able to put forth your ideas with vigor and gusto.
and would give a reward of £100 to the
LEO: Your desire to have possessions is strong now. Your financial position is not a sign of your personal worth. Don’t let money get in the way of friendship. VIRGO: Your working very hard to further your own interests. Show the world what you are capable of. You may feel you have to fight for your rights. LIBRA: This is a good time to work alone as much as possible to get things done. Volunteering or social work will do wonders for you. Dreams will be powerful. SCORPIO: Formulate your goals and go after them with gusto. Coordinate your needs with others as opposed to going at it alone. Friends may be argumentative. SAGITTARIUS: You want to achieve and you will get much done on the work front. Coworkers may feel threatened by your efforts to get ahead. Align your interests with others. CAPRICORN: Defending your beliefs is one thing, just don’t force your ideas on others. Look for experiences that will open up your mind to new ideas. Travel may come up. AQUARIUS: Conflicts with your value system or money may arise. The old ways of doing things will come to an end and the birth of the new will take place. PISCES: Now is a good time to put energy back into your relationships. Look for resolution as opposed to opposition in the business and marital scheme of things.
wallet containing £10,000 ($20,000 USD) person who found it. From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, “I’ll give £150.”
SCOTS RARELY DRINK Scots MacDonald was in poor health. He asked his friend MacDougal if he would pour a bottle of scotch over his grave if he should die one of these days. MacDougal said, “Sure’n I’ll be glad, laddie, but would you mind if I passed it through my kidneys first?”
EAR MUFFS Winters can be extremely cold in northern Scotland, so the owner of the estate felt he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his farm worker, Archie.
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wearing the earmuffs even on the coldest day, the owner asked, “Didn’t you like the
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earmuffs I gave you?” Archie replied, not wishing to upset his employer, “Och, they are a wondrous thing.” “Then why don’t you wear them then?” Archie explained, “I was wearing them the first day, but somebody offered to buy me a drink and I didn’t hear him.”
DOUBLE-GLAZING IN SCOTLAND Double-glazing is big business in Scotland in the hope that the children cannot hear the
ear Happy New Y 2013 to All!
ice-cream van when it comes round.
HOW TO TELL How do you tell what clan a Scotsman’s from? Stick your hand up his kilt and if it’s a quarter pounder, he’s a MacDonald.
778-773-0546 Follow me on Twitter!
@BettyM13
bmcintosh@newwestcity.ca www.bettymcintosh.ca
Best Wishes for a Safe and Happy New Year! My office is here to assist you with provincial services and information.
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January 2013
Serving New Westminster since 2003. We thank all of you for your continued support of the last nine years!
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January 2013
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RECYCLE YOUR CHRISTMAS TREE
New Westminster Firefighters’ Charitable Society will host its annual tree-chipping in January. This event is a fund-raiser for the Society which disperses funds to a wide variety of local organizations. Even if you don’t have a live tree, join them for a BBQ, popcorn, face painting, music, fire extinguisher demos (weather permitting). January 5 & 6, 2013, 11:00 a.m. – 4:00 p.m. Canada Games Pool parking lot Make a donation and support local community charities
A CELEBRATION OF ROBBIE BURNS
Saturday, January 19, 2013 7:30 p.m. – 9:00 p.m. Place des Arts, 1120 Brunette Avenue, Coquitlam Join music faculty member Rosie Carver with Celtic band Blackthorn and guest piper Jim McWilliams for this special celebration of Scotland’s national bard, Robbie Burns! Blackthorn will feature the musical traditions of Scotland with a special focus on Burns’ songs. Come for the concert at 7:30 p.m. or come early at 6 p.m. and enjoy a Scottish dinner with all the trimmings — yes, including haggis — and stay on for the concert! From lively jigs and reels to heart-wrenching airs and ballads, you will savor Blackthorn’s rendition of Scottish melodies and the intricately woven harmonies that bring this music to life in a new way, amply flavored with humor and above all else, fun! Robert Burns, born January 25, 1759, poet and lyricist known affectionately as Robbie Burns, is the focus of world-wide celebrations by Scots and their admirers nearly 250 years later. It is Burns’ genius that the sound and rhythm of his words, whether set to music or recited, create an emotional bond that is ageless… an immortal memory of everyday life as relevant today as yesterday.
COMMUNITY RESOURCE CARD
seniors that list important and useful services and phone numbers. It is so helpful to have this information readily available in convenient form and in one place. Pick up your copy of this little guide at the desk at Century House.
NEW WESTMINSTER KIDS SWAP MEET
For more information, please contact Seniors Services Society, 750 Carnarvon St, New Westminster, phone 604-520-6621
On January 26, 2012 from 9:00 a.m. – Noon. Glenbrook Middle School Gymnasium 701 Park Cresent, New Westminster. Please email cassius@shaw.ca regarding table rentals.
PHOTOGRAPHY CLUB
New Westminster Photography Club meets first and fourth Tuesday from September to May, 7:30 p.m. at Centennial Lodge in Queen’s Park, New Westminster. You don’t have to be a New Westminster resident to attend. All skill levels welcome. Info: www.nwphoto.org
DRAINAGE GRATES
The City of New Westminster requests the assistance of residents (who are able) to help clear leaves, debris, and snow that may block drainage grates on City roads surrounding your property. This will help prevent possible flooding and washouts and will ensure proper drainage. If the drain still appears to be plugged, please contact Engineering Operations at 604-5264691 and a crew will be sent to inspect and clean the chamber.
Glenbrook Middle School, 701 Park Cresent, New Westminster
FREE DENTAL CLEANING
New Westminster families and residents with no dental insurance can apply for free dental cleaning at the Douglas College Dental Clinic. The work is done by UBC Dental Hygiene Degree students. Saturday mornings Douglas College Dental Clinic 700 Royal Avenue, New Westminster Call 604-827-4736 to see if you are eligible or 604-822-6917 or 604-822-2116 and ask for Brittany Appointments will commence early in the new year. The colleges are at the end of the term right now so you may have to call a few times. This is a programme of Douglas College and UBC Dentistry, in collaboration with Fraser Health.
Please note: It is normal to have some standing water in the chamber.
12TH NEW WEST SCOUTS BOTTLE DRIVE
January 5, 10:00 a.m. – 4:00 p.m. Canada Games Pool Parking Lot Start the New Year by clearing out your holiday bottles and cans. Bring them with your Christmas tree to the New West Firefighters’ Fire Safety Festival or for pickup, email scoutsbottlepickup@live.ca. Your donation of returnables will help Scouts continue to bring adventure, outdoor experience and friendship to New Westminster youth.
The Senior Services Society, supported by the City of New Westminster, is distributing a New Westminster Community Resources Card for
MON TO FRI 9AM – 6PM | SUN 9AM – 3PM
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January 2013 Story and Photo by
Gabor Gasztonyi
C
hinese food in Sapperton has taken a front seat again with the opening of Chan’s Garden Chinese Restaurant on November 30th of this year. Jean and Gary Chan along with their daughter Lisa and son Michael, have taken over the old Chopsticks location on Columbia Street and transformed it into a modern, and immaculate eatery, much like the many slick Asian restaurants in the Richmond area, but catering to homegrown New Westminsterites who appreciate great food, great atmosphere and friendly service. My first impression as I walked into Chan’s was just how beautifully clean it was with sparkling tile floors and elegant custom made seating all rendered in pleasant and subdued colors. It really felt welcoming. Born and raised in Canton China Jean and Gary came to
“ Our goal here at Chan’s Garden is to make people happy.” — Jean Chan
St. Helenʻs Parish Hall, 3871 Pandora Street, North Burnaby • 604.298.4144 or 604.298.4454
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January 2013
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Chan’s Garden Chinese Restaurant:
A Family Affair
Canada over thirty years ago and settled in Calgary where Lisa and Michael were born. Chef Gary Chan learned his authentic Chinese cooking skills in Canton China and soon applied them to a variety of restaurants and businesses in Calgary and most recently in Tofino where he and Jean ran Gary’s Kitchen for over sixteen years. Gary is also an expert in the Szechuan style of cooking which is just a little spicier than the Cantonese style. Jean’s mother was from Shanghai where that style was more prevalent. That’s really about as authentic as you can get and judging by the noon hour crowd enjoying their oriental dishes when I was there the other day, Jean and Gary and all the staff were putting smiles on people’s faces, one after another. Each day Gary serves up a different lunch special for the reasonable price
of 7.95. Pickup orders receive a nice 10% discount and speedy delivery is available right to your door. Have a look at their web menu at www.chansgarden.ca for quick ordering. Today the special was chicken chow mein, deep fried prawns and my favorite, hot and sour soup. Along with the hot pot of Chinese tea the soup was a much needed soother, as I looked out and watched the snow storm outside. I had to ask Jean what her favorite dish was and she said, “For sure, it has to be ginger beef.” “That’s one delicacy I really like myself especially with lots of vegetables,” I said. Jean went on to say that they use only Alberta grade A beef in
the restaurant and that’s why she enjoys it so much. In fact Gary prepared ginger onion crab a while back on the local food network cooking program on television. I am sure the TV crew had a great feast that day and a few smiles as well. Af ter ma ny years in t he restaurant business Jean and Gary have learned that service and good food go together and these two things are the secret to running a successful restaurant. “Our goal here at Chan’s Garden is to make people happy,” Jean said. That philosophy has rubbed off on Lisa and Michael as well, making Chan’s Garden truly a end family affair.
441 East Columbia Street, New Westminster Telephone: 604-521-1871 www.chansgarden.ca
THE VISITOR By Glenn Jones
#26-8720 Forest Grove Drive, Burnaby BC V5A 4C9 | 604-433-3986 | E-mail: glenn-jones@shaw.ca
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January 2013
SUITS, SHIRTS, & TROUSERS Jock & Jimmy were walking along a street in London.
and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I’ll back up me truck ready to load them on, old chap!
Jock looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye. The sign read, “Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, trousers £2.50 per pair”. Jock said to his pal, “Look at the prices!
The owner of the shop said quietly, “You’re from Scotland, aren’t you?” “Well yes,” said a surprised Jock. “What gave it away?” The owner replied, “This is a dry-cleaners!”
We could buy a whole lot of these and when we get back to Scotland we could make a fortune.
MEAN SCOTS As you will have noticed, I’ve avoided jokes
Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay?
which imply the Scots are mean. You should
Let me do all the talking cause if they hear
be careful about stereotyping. There was
our accents, they might think we are cheap
a recent letter to a newspaper from an
Scotsmen and try to screw us. I’ll put on
Aberdonian which said “If you print any more
my best London accent”.
jokes about mean Scotsmen I shall stop
“OK Jock, I’ll keep me mouth shut” said
borrowing your paper.”
Jimmy. They go in and Jock said in a posh voice, “Hello my good man. I’ll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each,
LIGHT How many Scotsmen does it take to change a light bulb? Och! It’s no that dark!
THE SCOTS LOVE THE ENGLISH A Scotsman walking through a field, sees a
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland Subscription Form
man drinking water from a pool with his hand.
name address
hoor that’s full Oâ coos Sharn.” (Don’t
The Scotsman man shouts “Awa ye feel drink the water, it’s full of cow s ** t.) The man shouts back “I’m English, speak
city Province Phone email
English, I don’t understand you.”
Postal
The Scotsman man shouts back “Use both hands, you’ll get more in.”
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THE GENEROUS SCOT One afternoon a Scotsman was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, “Why are you eating grass?”
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
January 2013
11
“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied. “We have to eat grass.” “Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you,” the Scotsman said. “But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.” “Bring them along,” the Scotsman replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, “You come with us, also.” The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, “But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!” “Bring them all, as well,” the Scotsman answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Open Monday to Saturday
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the Scotsman and said, “Sir, you are too kind… thank you for taking all of us with you.” The Scotsman replied, “Glad to do it.” “You’ll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high.”
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Maître d’hôtel: What were the other prizes? Campbell: The second prize was a single haggis dinner, and, if you won the first prize, you didn’t have to eat the haggis.
YOU MIGHT HAVE TO BE A SCOT TO UNDERSTAND THIS Robbie Burns walks into a pub. Then barman says… You’re Bard.
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NEWLY ED AT RENOV TING OPERA 1954 SINCE
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January 2013 SANDY’S WORMS Sandy once attended a Temperance lecture given by Scotland’s top medical man, a noted anti-drink campaigner. The speaker began by placing a live, wriggling worm in a glass of whisky. After a moment or two it died and sank to the bottom. The speaker said quietly to the audience, “Now my friends, what does this tell us?” Sandy piped up, “If you drink whisky you’ll not be bothered by worms!”
PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently. Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, “A penny for your thoughts, Angus.”
Wishing You the Best in 2013
“Well, uh, I was thinkin’… perhaps it’s aboot time for a wee kiss.”
M ayor Wayne Wr ight
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed
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him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. “Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.” “Well, uh, I was thinkin’ perhaps it’s noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle.” The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
January 2013
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Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while, she again said, “Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.” “Well, uh, I was thinkin’ perhaps it’s aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg.” The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. The the two turned once again to gaze out over the lock before the girl spoke again. “Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.” The young man glanced down with a furled brow. “Well, noo,” he said, “my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time.” “Really,” said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation. “Aye,” said the lad, nodding. The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request. Then he said, “Dae ye nae think it’s aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?”
THE YOUNG ACTOR’S ROLE A Scots boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play. “Wonderful,” says the mother, “What part is it?” The boy says “I play the part of the Scottish husband!” The mother scowls and says: “Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part.”
CLEVER FOLKS When Jock moved to London he constantly annoyed his English acquaintances by boasting about how great Scotland was. Finally, in exasperation, one said, “Well, if Scotland’s so marvelous, how come you didn’t stay there?” “Well,” explained Jock, “they’re all so clever up there I had to come down here to have any chance of making it at all.”
LACROSSE “The Rest of the Story” BY ED GOSS
Where are they now? RAY BENNIE Fellow teammate and “Sappertonite” Ray Bennie truly is one of the nicest guys you could meet. After retiring from Lacrosse in the early 80s Ray and wife Linda lived in Langley, where they raised sons, Aaron and Eric along with numerous animals including Llamas and many strays brought home by the boys. Ray coached lacrosse teams from Tyke to Midget as his boys moved through the Langley minor system, also served as the head Coach. In 2006, they moved to Harrison Hot Springs, the site of their honeymoon in 1970. Rays career in the R.C.M.P took him to detachments throughout the Lower mainland in various sections and units. After 34 years, he retired in 2008 from the R.C.M.P Pacific Region Training Centre. Linda retired in 2006 after 35 years in the Surrey School District. Far from being laid back, retirement is busy. They are the proud grandparents of 2 year old Liam Raymond and look forward to the arrival in January of their second grandchild. They spend time doing daycare for Liam and are still caring for numerous stray animals brought to them by their children. They love to spend time with family at their condo in Sun Peaks skiing, hiking and mountain biking. They also enjoy travelling around “Cascadia” in their motor home. They asked me to send friends in New Westminster and lower mainland best wishes. On behalf of friends here I say Thanks for the memories with that “Bionda” stick work and being a great Teammate.
Ed Goss Associate Broker
604-644-0141 edgoss@shaw.ca • www.edgoss.com
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January 2013 THE LOTTERY Jock finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone into foreclosure and
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he’s in serious financial problems. He’s so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. “God, please help me. Ah’ve lost ma wee store and if Ah dinna get some money, Ah’m going to lose my hoose too. Please let me win the lotter y!” Lotter y night! Someone else wins… Jock prays again. “God, please let me win the lotter y! Ah’ve lost my wee store, ma hoose and Ah’m going to lose ma car as
Garbage pickup reminders, recycling info and more!
weel!” Lotter y night again! Still no luck… Jock prays again. “Ah’ve lost ma business, ma hoose and ma car. Ma bairns are starving. Ah dinna often ask Ye for help and Ah have always been a good servant to Ye. PLEASE just let me win the lottery this one time so Ah can get back on ma feet!” Suddenly there is a blinding flash as the heavens open and the voice of God Himself thunders: “Jock at least meet Me half way and buy a ticket!”
THE OBITUARY A very popular Scotsman dies in Glasgow and his old widow wishes to tell all his friends
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at once so she goes to the newspaper and says “I’d like tae place an obituary fur ma late
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January 2013
15
husband” The man at the desk says “OK, how much money dae ye have?” The old woman replies “£5” to which the man says “You won’t get many words for that but write something and we’ll see if it’s OK.” So the old woman writes something and hands it over the counter and the man reads “Peter Reid, fae Parkheid, deid.” He feels guilty at the abruptness of the statement and encourages the old woman to write a few more things. The old woman ponders and then adds a few more words and hand the paper over the counter again. The man then reads “Peter Reid, fae Parkheid deid. Ford Escort for sale.”
A WEE PHYSICAL A woman is looking to re-enter the work force, now that her kids are all grown up. But before applying anywhere she goes tae the doctors’ fae a wee physical before takin’ oan a new joab. When she returns her hubby notices she’s just bustin’ wi’ pride and all chuffed. So he says; “What’s all this about?” She says, “I’ve just been tae the doctors’ and he said I’ve got the body of a twenty year old, and the heart of a 16 year old”. To which her hubby fires back… “What about your 50-year-old ass?” “Your name never came up,” she replies!
What is the official animal of Scotland?
POET’S CORNER
with Poet Laureate New We
CANDICE JAMES
stminster
A New Year
© Gail van Kalsbeek
Chimes at midnight new years eve Murmured resolutions goals hoped to achieve Thoughts of family, friends, those giving of their time Fading echoes of Auld Lang Syne New year, new leaf a need to share Your willingness… your time to spare Searching for an opportunity To give back to the community Take a look around many need assistance A helping hand meets no resistance If you have a cause that to your heart is near Come join in the Festival of Volunteers. Gail van Kalsbeek lived in the Yukon for 2 6 year s be f ore re t ur ning t o her home in Ne w Wes t mins t er in 2 0 0 5 . S he w as recently published in the Royal City Poets Anthology 2012.
New West Poets: please submit your “New West” poems for this column to candicejames@shaw.ca or call 778-322-1131 for info.
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January 2013 THE WORST Irate golfer, on his way to a round of 150: “You must be the worst caddie in the world!” Scottish caddie (dryly): “That would be too much of a coincidence, sir.”
MINE’S BIGGER THAN YOURS Jock was digging peat at his croft when a
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passing American tourist asks, “How much land do you have here?” “About two acres” Jock replies. “You know back home it takes me a day to drive around my ranch !” the American boasts. “Aye”, says Jock “I once had a car like that.”
JOLLY GOOD CHOICE A plane was shot down over Iraq and Saddam Hussain captured a Scotsman,an Englishman and an Australian. Saddam says “I’m not as cruel as George Bush says I am You will be given 50 lashes each but you can have whatever you want on your back.” The Australian goes first and asks for the finest Kangaroo hide there is to cover his back. This is granted and he receives the kangaroo hide before he receives 50 lashes. His back is all torn and bleeding but he survives. The Englishman says “I will take it as it comes I will have nothing on my back and will be proud to bear the scars” he shouts defiantly “Stiff upper lip you know eh what” His wish is granted and he receives his 50 lashes, his back torn and bleeding, his ribs fractured and protruding, a terrible mess to behold. “Now Jock It’s your turn you have the same choice as the other two what would you like
Another fine “time distraction” brought to you by your local Piffle Magazine.
on your back,” says Saddam.
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
January 2013
17
Jock replies quickly and without hesitation “I’ll have the Englishman”
THREE KINDS There are only three kinds of people. People who can count and people who can’t.
MOOO Two cows in a field. One says “Moooooooooooooooooooooooo.” The other says, “Do you know I was just about to say that!” Same two cows in a field… One says to the other “What do you thing about this mad cow disease then?” The other replies, “Doesn’t really effect us… we’re sheep aren’t we?”
SUPPER Little Johnny comes home from school very hungry. “Mummy, how long will supper be?” “About six inches… it’s a sausage.”
BLIMEY Two sausages were sizzling away on the grill. One says to the other, “It’s hot in here isn’t it?” The other says “Blimey! A talking sausage!”
THE TALK A mother carefully explained to her young daughter how children were created. She used the expression “carrying a child” instead of “pregnant,” but the girl seemed satisfied. Sometime later, a terrible fire broke out in the neighborhood, and the girl stood by watching. Here is how she described the scene to her parents: “There was this big fire, and a fireman ran into the house, and when he came out, he was pregnant.”
SMOKE ALARMS — LOCATION, INSTALLATION, TESTING & CLEANING • Read and follow the manufacturer’s instructions carefully. • For best performance, an alarm should be mounted on the ceiling near the centre of the room, hall or stairway, and at the head of each stairway leading to an occupied area. • Optimum location for wall mounts is at least 15 cm (6 inches) from the ceiling but not more than 30 cm (19 inches) from it. • Avoid installing where the temperature is less than 5˚C (41˚F) or exceeds 48˚C (119˚F) • Keep alarms away from doors and windows. • Never locate an alarm in front of an air register, fans or vents. • Keep alarms at least 60 cm (2 feet) from any corner. • Don’t recess an alarm. • Smoke alarms in rooms with ceiling slopes greater than 30 cm (one foot) rise per 2.4 m • (eight feet) horizontally should be located on the high side of the room. • Avoid locating an alarm at the peak of an “A” frame type ceiling. • Never paint a smoke alarm. • Keep alarms 60 to 90 cm (two to three feet) away from light fixtures. When having an alarm connected into the electrical wiring system of a house you should: • Use a qualified electrical contractor. • Never install the alarm in the electrical circuit except at the main panel. Alarms must also never be installed in a circuit connected to an on/off switch. • Check the alarm when installation is complete.
MARK YOUR CALENDAR: TESTING & CLEANING Test your smoke alarm monthly and clean it every 6 months. Mark it on your calendar so that you don’t forget. Things to remember when testing your smoke alarm: • Ensure that power is being transmitted to the alarm and that it will activate in the presence of smoke. • Test your smoke alarm by pressing the test button. • Even alarms with a pilot light that indicate power is being transmitted, should be tested regularly. • Battery-operated smoke alarms will warn you when batteries need replacing. Despite this, make it a habit to change the batteries yearly. • When you’ve been away from home for a few days, check your alarm on your return to ensure it is working properly. • Remember, your smoke alarm can’t protect you if the batteries have been removed or a plug has been disconnected. • The lifespan of a typical smoke alarm is about 10 years, but some models last as little as 5 years. • To clean the alarm, open the cover and gently vacuum the interior of it. Frequently, the alarm will sound while the unit is being cleaned. Your New Westminster Fire and Rescue Services cares about you and your safety! If you require further information, please visit our website at: www.newwestcity.ca or call the Fire Prevention Division at 604-519-1004.
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January 2013 TWO THINGS The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.
BUCKET SEATS The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
APPRECIATING ART An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. “I have good news and bad news,” the owner replied. “The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.” “That’s wonderful,” the artist exclaimed. “What’s the bad news?” “The guy was your doctor.”
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went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my boat next
“Can you spot the difference in these identical digital hearing aids?”
to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my boat, that I noticed that the lower unit seemed to be leaking a little oil. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer? SIGNED: Worried Sick in Alberta
SOUNDS PRETTY Do you realize that in about 40 years, we’ll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
DRINKING DOUBLES Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.
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January 2013
GOOD BOY
The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young
Pulling into the crowded parking lot at the shopping center, I rolled down the car
lady, gave me a strange look and said, “Why don’t you just put it in park?”
windows to make sure my puppy had fresh air. She was stretched full out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb
NUDE SPOILS IT Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, “Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay! Stay!”
FEELING NO PAIN After a certain age, if you don’t wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.
THE AUTHORITY Russian couple were walking down the street
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in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. “I think it’s raining,” he said to his wife. “No, that felt more like snow to me,” she replied. “No, I’m sure it was just rain” he said. We, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking towards them. “Let’s not fight about it,” the husband said, “let’s ask Comrade Rudolph whether it’s officially raining or snowing.” As the official approached, the man said, “Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it official raining or snowing?” “It’s raining, of course,” he replied, and walked on. But the woman insisted, “I know that felt like snow!” To which the man quietly replied: “Rudolph the Red knows rain dear.”
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BREEDING BULL Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing
Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland
January 2013
21
the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so
want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup
that they can breed their own stock.
truck and drive out here to haul that bull
The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, “When I get
back to your ranch if you send her the word, ‘comfortable’?” The brunette explains, “My sister’s blonde. She’ll read it very slow.”
there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.” The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch,
Buffalo Theory One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin
inspects the bull, and decides she does want
explained the ”Buffalo Theory” to his
to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell
buddy Norm: “Well, ya see, Norm, it’s like
it for $599, no less. After paying him, she
this. A herd of buffalo can only move as
drives to the nearest town to send her sister
fast as the slowest buffalo. And when
a telegram to tell her the news.
the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and
She walks into the telegraph office, and
weakest ones at the back that are killed
says, “I want to send a telegram to my sister
first. This natural selection is good for
telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our
the herd as a whole, because the general
ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our
speed and health of the whole group keeps
pickup truck and drive out here so we can
improving by the regular killing of the
haul it home.”
weakest members!
The telegraph operator explains that he’ll
In much the same way, the human brain
be glad to help her, then adds, “It’s just 99
can only operate as fast as the slowest
cents a word.”
brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol,
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette
as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally,
only has $1 left. She realizes that she’ll only
it attacks the slowest and weakest brain
be able to send her sister one word.
cells first. In this way, regular consumption
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods,
of beer eliminates the weaker brain
and says, “I want you to send her the word,
cells, making the brain a faster and more
‘comfortable.’”
efficient machine!
The telegraph operator shakes his head. “How is she ever going to know that you
That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.”
MEET THE JONES’ By Glenn Jones
#26-8720 Forest Grove Drive, Burnaby BC V5A 4C9 | 604-433-3986 | E-mail: glenn-jones@shaw.ca
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January 2013 HER TWO BITS WORTH Charlie took his girl friend to her first football game. They had really good seats, right above their team’s dugout. At the end of the game, Charlie asked her if she liked it. “Yeah, it was great,” she said. “I mean, with all the tight pants and stuff. I just don’t get why all the fuss about a quarter!” Charlie is confused. “At the beginning of the game,” she explained, “I saw the two guys flip a quarter. Then the rest of the game, all they said was: Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback! Hello! It’s only 25 cents!”
GEORGE CARLIN’S PHILOSOPHY CLASS 1. Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things. 2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. 3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? 5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. 6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. 7. Could it be that all those trick-ortreaters wearing sheets aren’t going as ghosts but as mattresses? 8. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him ... is he still wrong? 9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? 10. Is there another word for synonym? 11. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice?”
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January 2013
23
12. Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?” 13. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? 14. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? 15. Would a fly without wings be called a walk? 16. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? 17. If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked? 18. Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains? 19. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? 20. Why do they put Braille on the drivethrough bank machines? 21. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign? 22. Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny? 23. What was the best thing before sliced bread? 24. One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people. 25. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it. 26. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. 27. The older you get, the better you realize you were. 28. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. 29. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. 30. Women like silent men; they think they’re listening. 31. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it. 32. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
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