OUR EXPERT ADVISORS
Matthew Barnes-Smith. Coach and Mentor for Young People www.lifecoachdirectory.org.uk/lifecoaches/ matthew-barnes-smith
Marie O’Sullivan Teacher, Counsellor and I.T. Trainer www.sparkleshimmer andshine.co.uk
Izabella Natrins Nutrition and Lifestyle Health Coach www.izabellanatrins. com
Cath Lloyd Life Change Therapist and Stress Relief Consultant www.cathlloyd.co.uk
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WELCOME Hello Welcome to Issue 7 of Positive Kids Magazine. In this issue we have a special focus on gender and stereotyping. This is a topic that I vividly remember first becoming aware of when my English teacher asked us when I was about 12 to look at the way that girls and were represented in magazines. It was shocking. We have lots of great commentary and advice on this topic from experts as well as personal stories and viewpoints. I hope these will stimulate some discussions between you and the children in your life. We also have our largest number so far of articles written by, about and celebrating, young people. I personally think this is fabulous and I hope you will too. Do let me know. There’s also some great chances to WIN, our Just For You pieces and signposting to some great services and products to enhance your life. Positive Wishes until next time
Susan Brookes-Morris (Founder and Editor) susan@positive-kids.co.uk www.positive-kids.co.uk
07890051638 t:@PositiveKidsUK
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YOUNG YOUNGMINDS MINDS
stage, meeting wonderful people and doing amazing things; confidence is all about Believing in Yourself and having Faith and Belief in your Abilities.
By Amazing Angel My name is Amazing Angel and I am a 10 year old motivational speaker, kidpreneur and published author of my own book called ‘Make It Happen - 5 Steps to Dreaming Big.’ I am also a brand ambassador for Inspire Girls Rock and an anti- bullying ambassador for The Diana Awards.
Confidence is linked to the term ‘SELFESTEEM’ – which means ‘the thoughts that you have about yourself.’ The thoughts we think and say about ourselves are very important and play a pivotal role in almost everything we do. Having a healthy self-esteem is really important as it helps you to make positive choices in your everyday life and gives you the courage to be your own person.
I live with my mum, my older brother, two young sisters (one who is a cheeky 3 year old) and we are all home-schooled by my mum. As a motivational speaker, one of the key topics that I love to talk about is ‘Confidence’ and ‘Believing in Yourself.’ I get told all the time how confident I am and I'm always asked, ’ How did you get so confident?’ especially as I started speaking on stage at the age of 8 years old. First let me tell you what confidence means.
For example, having a positive selfesteem means that you will not allow people or friends to negatively put you down, either through their words or by their physical behaviour and if they do, you will have the courage to stand up for yourself when this happens. When you see yourself in a positive light, as a person, then naturally you start to feel good and positive about yourself. This positivity will even attract more positive people around you too.
CONFIDENCE comes from the Latin word ‘confide’ which means ‘to trust or to have faith.’ For me, as a young girl who often spends her time speaking on
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WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BECONFIDENCE CONFIDENT Whilst growing up, my mum helped me to have a positive self image of myself as a very bright, young, talented black girl with amazing qualities. Having this positive self image is what has helped me to be who I am today and to have the courage to stand up to people who have tried to bully me in the past.
and an increased self belief equals CONFIDENCE!!
So for me, self-esteem is a very important part of confidence and it's something that all parents should encourage their kids to have. After self-esteem, next comes SELF BELIEF. This is about a belief in you and your abilities. When you set your mind to do something and you believe that you can do it, then the belief in yourself and what you are capable of doing starts to go up. You start to see and visualise yourself doing big and amazing things.
Finally, confidence, isn't about being the loudest person in the room or the one who can shout the most from the rooftops. No, it's really about having a positive self image. In other words a high self esteem and a strong self belief in yourself.
When I first started as a motivational speaker, I spoke on the stage, then I went on to interview successful entrepreneurs on radio, and then I went on to write my own book. Next I started doing even more things like becoming a brand and anti-bullying ambassador - all of which started when I began to believe in myself and my abilities
If children lack confidence, then I strongly advise them to seek to do things that will increase their confidence. Share their worries with their mum and dad, who can help you by signing kids up or taking them to clubs and places that will teach children and give them confidence - e.g. acting classes, clubs, spending time with positive friends and family, and trying out new things together.
Here are some more examples of the amazing things that you can do when you start to believe in yourself:- take up a new hobby, join a dance class, learn a new skill, make new friends, meet new people, talk to people you've never spoken to before, become a kidpreneur, follow your passion, and so much more.
Read my 3 top tips overleaf to being amazingly confident. If you still get stuck and need more Inspiration, then why not take a look at some of my positive
So altogether, a positive self-esteem
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YOUNG MINDS
We have a fabulous opportunity for you to WIN a copy of Amazing Angel’s book
motivational videos on my YouTube channel to help you along. https://youtu.be/RhJ9csy2cf4 I hope you enjoy reading this article. I tell children, remember that, ‘You are Amazing and You are Capable of more than you know….and Don't Forget that!’
Make It Happen - 5 Steps to Dreaming Big simply email competitions@positivekids.co.uk by 18 April 2019 with your name and address and Amazing Angel in the subject line
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A fun fi lled family day of interactive and inspiring activities and stalls Sunday 30th June Nottingham Racecourse To fi nd out more go to: www.positivelyempoweredkids.co.uk Book your Early Bird tickets by 30th April Brought to you by
GENDER BIAS
By Rachel Fairhurst ,Consultant in Financial Services and co-owner of Rachel’s Toy Shop in Wigan, Lancashire When Positive Kids asked me to write about gender bias in toys, I immediately thought about the recent tabloid attack on the campaign group ‘Let Toys Be Toys,’ falsely saying they wanted to ban Dear Zoo (certain papers choosing the hashtag #MeZoo in a rather distasteful way). Then, the next day, by contrast, some more positive media coverage of a mother who was trying to find female role models for her daughter, because her daughter thought she couldn’t be a ‘fireman’ when she grew up. Our toy shop has proudly supported Let Toys Be Toys for five years now, and therefore the issues and emotions this debate seems to provoke on both sides have been at the front of my mind.
but also liked my Miss Petite Secretary Set. My dad told me I could do anything a boy could and taught me to wire a plug and use a pallet truck – not actually the most useful skills these days but the feeling I could do anything was. I decided I was going to be a be a Banker in the City (I was desperate for a suit with shoulder pads). I was incredibly surprised when I finally got out into the world of work and found that some people didn’t agree with my dad. But that was the 1990s! Surely we have progressed since then? For a time, 10 years ago, when my daughter was young and everything was pink and princessy, I did think we had regressed.
If I think back to my own childhood, I played with both a toy tea set, and a little red ride-on tractor. I had lots of Lego
I don’t have anything against pink as a colour and we do sell pink and blue products (along with all the colours of
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THE INFLUENCE OF TOYS
the rainbow). But the most concerning thing has been the recent rise in manufacturers trying to sell their products to girls by making stereotypical versions (lipstick making science kits, pink construction kits, Lego Friends (sorry my beloved Lego). It reinforces the message that girls need different toys and are more frivolous by nature, and when a girl rejects these stereotypes, she may often think there is nothing for someone like her. Why is it important? Adults, often unconsciously, foster gender stereotypes from the moment children are born. The language used such as ‘crying like a girl.’, ‘Tomboy,’ ‘bossy,’ ‘are you going to ask your daddy to fix it?’ ‘lady doctor’ etc. Toys are part of this wider stereotyping, reinforcing the messages children receive elsewhere in their everyday lives. I am starting to see a shift back though, and manufacturers seem to be getting the message, which certainly makes it easier for us to select neutral toys and offer a wider range that we are comfortable with. I’m seeing more marketing images with both genders playing with kitchens and prams, for example, which is great. Caring boy role models are just as important to help our sons express their feelings and feel comfortable in their skin. Our account manager at Melissa & Doug proudly told me her daughter was modelling for their race car driver costume, so they could have a girl and a boy on the packaging. She knew I’d be pleased. I was! And it’s not that hard to do!
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By allowing children to choose their toys from a broad range of activities and role play, I think we can help them to use their imagination and develop confidence in their own abilities and interests. That belief that they can be anything they want to be is very important, after all.
SUKI KASAS LET KIDS BE KIDS think because she is my youngest but also because it is so against what society says you ‘should’ do to a little girl’s hair. I made myself face it head on and really delve into why I felt so sad about it and there was no valid reason why she shouldn’t do it. I took her to get her hair cut and within seconds of the clippers touching her hair she was a new person. Her face lit up and she looked free. She looked as though she had found herself and how she felt most comfortable, and it was beautiful. Most of the children who have started school with her are obviously just used to this being what Suki looks like and have never questioned it, but we had one incident that actually upset her. A few of the girls questioned whether she was a girl or a boy, that within itself was fine and she was used to it but when she said she was a girl they said, ‘You can’t be because girls like pink and princesses.’ Her answer was, ’Well I’m a boy then.’ School approached us to find out how we were handling the situation and whether we referred to her as a girl or a boy and although I was shocked to be having the conversation, I was glad they came to me. It opened up the discussion with Suki and allowed us to explain to her the differences between boys and girls and that except for anatomy, there are few. We said if she wasn’t comfortable saying she was a girl she could say she was a tomboy and she was thrilled to have her own little word to describe herself without having the usual labels that she clearly didn’t fit into.
By Catherine Kasas Suki has had a strong mind and a definite sense of self since the moment she was born. She never went through the usual princess phase (that her older sister definitely went through) and she knew exactly what she was comfortable in. At her nursery, they held a charity Superhero dress up day and we borrowed some Batman pyjamas as we didn’t have anything suitable. Suki caught the bug, the Superhero bug! She soon had every dressing up outfit imaginable from Captain America to PJ Masks (Catboy of course) and would wear nothing else. When she started school, she wore a pinafore dress until she broke her elbow and had to switch to trousers and I’ve never been able to switch her back and that was when I thought, why should I? One day she was lying on the sofa and she said, ‘Mummy I feel sad every day because I have long hair and I want short hair like the boys.’ Surprisingly I
Suki is a girl and it is our job to make sure she can be proud of being a girl,
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MUM AND DAUGHTER’S STORY whatever she likes, and looks however she pleases. She is not defined by her haircut or her jeans and boots and she is not struggling with gender. She is a six year old girl who knows what she likes and knows how she is comfortable and I believe she is very brave for breaking the mould. Even though I sometimes find it hard, I will do whatever I can to support her. I don’t think it’s necessary to talk to her about Transgender issues at such a young age because I think that is society’s way of labelling something that doesn’t need to be looked into so hard. Whatever she chooses as she gets older is her decision and we will support her 100% but right now, kids should be allowed to be kids knowing that it doesn’t matter what you look like, what clothes you wear or the colour of your skin. What is important is to be tolerant and kind and that is what we strive for.
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YOUNG MINDS ACTUALLY I CAN In the TV adverts we see girls being prepared to be mummy playing with dolls,ironing boards,buggies and tea sets, whereas boys are seen to play with racing cars and robots and mechanical games. I have also seen car adverts where boys are described as strong and robust similar to the large cars that they are advertising. I went to a workshop last year, where I met women who worked in jobs such as engineering, the police, the fire service and politics and they were all leaders in their jobs. They talked about the barriers they faced as women in these jobs and helped me realise that I too can work in any job that is a stereotype for men. I would like to be an architect and also design buildings one day.
By Nykera Kelly aged 12 I think that children nowadays are categorised into groups of things that they are expected to be like or do. One of my main concerns is the phrase ‘man up.’ Everyone has their ups and downs, especially boys and this term is not fair to boys. It’s totally human for everyone, boys included, to cry or be afraid of something. Girls and boys feel the same emotions and this term ‘man up’ should not be said to boys.
Girls should not be judged on what they wear or how they play. I love doing cartwheels and making slime!. One of my reasons for creating Nyks cards was because I could not find greeting cards that represent true likeness of girls I see every day. I hope my cards will give girls hope in being themselves regardless of how others perceive them to be.
Thankfully some things are changing, girls are now not expected to wear or love pink. I think it is because women and society are talking about stereotypes and trying to help us to see how stereotypes can hinder us. I feel that things are changing a little. Girls are encouraged to do football as I have in my school. However sports such as rugby are geared towards the boys and dancing and gymnastic are lessons for the girls.
For a chance to WIN one of Nyk’s journals simply email your name and address with Nyk in the subject line by 18 April 2019 to competeitions@positivekids.co.uk
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MUM AND SON’S STORY It started because hair cutting is painful, physically painful. Marcus (10) has autism, like his three older brothers. Hair cutting, like many other activities, is a sensory issue. As young children, my older boys had screamed their way through haircuts. I couldn’t do it again. I used to snip his hair as he watched TV. I am no hairdresser though. As he got older, all I could manage was to cut it straight. When I cut it shorter into a long bob, he did look like a girl, so I left it longer, surfer boy style. Last year, he changed schools to an all boys’ school with a strict uniform policy. All bar one of the 400 plus boys have traditional, boys’ hair styles. He didn’t want to cut his hair. It is his identity now. Plus his brothers also have long hair. The twins are 19. One wears his hair up mostly in a top knot. His brother wears his in a long ponytail but sometimes has it loose when playing his drums or guitar in rocker style.
We are ‘different’ from most families in so many ways. The length of the boys’ hair is a minor issue. But, to Marcus’ new school it wasn’t. He was teased by the other boys who said he looked like a girl. The school policy meant that he needed to have his hair tied back for most lessons. I had to teach him how to use a ponytail band. Not easy for a boy with autism. We nearly succumbed to cutting it all off due to the teasing, but he stood his ground. Within a few weeks, the novelty of a boy with long hair wore off. I am proud that he made his own choice and didn’t feel the need to conform. It is only hair after all and doesn’t affect his personality or his ability to succeed at school. (In the photo below, Marcus is at the front) By Sarah Ziegel, Author of A Parents Guide To Coping with Autism
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MAKE MATHS FUN Great game which improves children's maths skills and reduces maths anxiety.
www.easymathskills.com
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WHAT YOU TO KNOW JENNY AND NEED HARRY doctors where we saw a locum. They did nothing, no tests nothing and sent us home. When I speak to the 4,127 members I know in a group of mum's who have children with type 1 diabetes, a lot of them went through the same as me. Some have even lost their children as the Dr and medical team failed to diagnose type 1 diabetes in time.
By Jenny Potter, Photographer jennypotterp@aol.com 3rd November 2010 is a date I will always remember. This is the day where our lives and especially my son's, changed forever. Harry was aged two and for a few days had not been himself. He was tired, thirsty, going to the toilet a lot and drinking more than he normally did. He had always drunk lots of water, had always eaten healthily had only ever had small colds, no major illnesses and had had all his immunisations. I was still breast feeding at that time. He was not being sick,did not have a temperature or any rashes nothing that was immediately a sign. I did not know anything about the symptoms of type I diabetes before our son was diagnosed. All I had was a gut instinct that something was wrong. I remember saying to my husband that Harry looked thinner and I felt he was going to die. I took him straight to my
The next day I was still worried so, clutching our son in my arms, I went back to the surgery with a urine sample. Thank god I did. The nurse tested it then told me to go straight to the hospital as it looked like our son had type 1 diabetes. For some of you, you might now immediately stop reading this article and think,’ oh is that all, what is the fuss about? It is not as if he was dying?’ But the truth is our son was dying, our beautiful amazing only son who was just two, was fighting for his life, due to high blood sugar levels and ketones. We went to the children's ward. I will never forget our son's screams when the medical team held him down to put the cannular in his arms and legs, The next week was the worse of our life not knowing whether our son would live or die. I went into the hospital as a mother I came out of the hospital like a Dr as I had learnt how to test blood sugars, how to do insulin injections, what hypo's and hyper were, how to do a carb count etc. My brain was frazzled with everything we had to take on board. Blood sugars were 38.5 ml and ketones were just over 7 ml.
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DIABETES Our son had DKA and we were told he was fighting for his life, we did not know at this stage if he would live or die. He was lying in a hospital bed with drips in him. The week ahead was spent entirely in the hospital by our son's side hearing the nasty noise every hour of the nurse pricking our son's finger and testing his bloods. At that time I did not know that every day from then on, we would test our son's bloods regularly. I did not know that hypo's were when blood sugar levels drop and that if untreated they could result in a seizure, going into a coma or worse. I did not know that even a cold or sickness bug could kill our son, as when you have type 1 diabetes even a cold can make blood sugars and ketones high resulting in DKA. I did not know that every time our son would eat after being diagnosed I would have to weigh and work out the carbs for everything and work out how many carbs per unit of insulin to give and then if blood sugars were over 8 ml do a correction dose of insulin on top of his normal food insulin. I did not know that laughing, crying, stress, worry, running around being tickled, having a bath, having a shower, going out in the snow to play, having protein, jumping up and down, going to a birthday party especially on a bouncy castle, hormones, any illness like a cold, tonsillitis or even eating pizza would affect blood sugars. Pizza and chips make Harry’s blood sugars go low within an hour of eating and because the dough takes a while to digest, he then gets a blood sugar spike of over 14ml, 5 hours later. So, we tend to ban pizza from the tea menu. If now and again he
has pizza, it’s at lunch time as that is better as then he has time to be active to help bring down the blood sugar spike. I forgot to say that in the summer time the heat makes my son's blood sugars drop very fast so we have to do regular testing and he has lots of snacks and juice in between meals. I also discovered that Harry’s blood sugars drop a lot if he has a bath. He needs testing before a bath and a few times during a bath and needs to have juice and food, just so he can have a bath for 10- 15 minutes. Luckily even though it was the toughest week of our lives, where our son faced so many changes in his life. We were determined for our son to know how loved he was, how much we supported him, and how he could still do everything he could do before and even more than before. We wanted our son to be positive and we did our best to do pictures with him of our family holding hands, united in love and that we would be strong together. We also did pictures with him about how we felt about now and what type 1 diabetes meant. This really helped him. I said to Harry you have two choices, to be the child who is happy and positive and believe that you can do everything and more in life or you could be the person in life who says I have type 1 diabetes and is negative and doesn't do anything and doesn't have a good life. My son said he wanted to be the child who is happy and positive. There have been many challenging times during the 3,012 days since his diagnosis, however there have also been many positive moments. Our son is amazing and my hero every day. He lives life fully despite some nights having
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JENNY AND HARRY hypos and having very little sleep. Harry loves cooking and photography. He loves animals and adventures. He can swim 25 lengths at ease even though it involves us reducing insulin and testing regularly and giving lots of juice and carbs to do this. He is very clever and loves reading. His favourite author is David Walliams. He loves dancing, having fun with his friends, rock climbing, day trips, and going to theme parks such as Chessington World of Adventure. How to behave around a child or adult with type 1 diabetes You would be surprised at how different you are treated by family, friends, and other parents, once your child had been diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. You may find that friends who have been there for 30 years suddenly decide that they do not want to be a part of this. You may find that your family may not want to do any of the bloods, injections etc and never do, even when the hospital offer to train them. Many things can happen and at a time when you really need support, you may find you are on your own and feel so different. My answer and that of the many mums I know in similar positions, when they are asked how they would like to be treated is;I WANT MT CHILD TO BE TREATED THE SAME AS EVERYONE ELSE AND BE INCLUDED. Many of the mum's I spoke to, said that parents had treated them differently and didn't include their children in birthday invites, sleepovers, cake at school or anything. People are ignorant and say very hurtful things to you. They fail to go on line to
research the difference between type 1 diabetes and type 2 diabetes. The mums I asked gave me the following examples of what people had said to them: ‘Oh that's good it is only diabetes, at least it is not cancer’ ‘at least they will grow out of it,’ or worse they say,‘ at least they know no different,’ when your child remembers their life before type 1 diabetes ‘don't know what you are making a fuss about all you have to do is give them insulin,’ and you are looking like a zombie as you have not slept all night as your child has had five hypo's which have taken hours for blood sugars to go up and you can't remember the last time you had over two hours sleep, you have not had a break for years and the person speaking to you has had eight hours sleep
‘my auntie has that, she had to have her leg amputated.’ The person saying this tells you this right in front of your child who has type 1 diabetes. It turns out that their auntie had type 2 diabetes and did not look after themselves. Now you have to go home and explain to your seven year old child that with every illness if you do not look after yourself, it can result in complications . Then you have to either gloss over the complications as you don’t want to tell your seven year old child about amputations but thanks to this parent who shouted this out in the yard at school you now have a seven year old that is scared they are going to have no legs.
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DIABETES LACK of understanding - people give you daggers when they know your child has type 1 diabetes and you are giving them sweets. They do not realise that you are preventing your child ‘s blood sugars dropping more as they are hypo low bloods. They just end up giving you a lecture about how bad it is that you are giving your child sweets. What is the difference between Type 1 diabetes and Type 2 diabetes ? Type 1 diabetes is an autoimmune condition whereby a fault in the immune system triggers an attack on beta cells in the pancreas. When these beta cells are destroyed, the body is unable to produce insulin, which can lead to blood sugar levels rising to dangerous levels. Type 1 diabetes must be treated by insulin injections or use of an insulin pump. Type 1 diabetes cannot be reversed or prevented and is never a result of any kind of lifestyle choices.
In the photo above, The Potter’s were raising money for JDRF. Jenny would like to dedicate this article to the memory of Tommy Green age 21 who died due to complications with type 1 diabetes when he had a sickness bug Also George Gough, who died last year age 18. Sadly George died when he was staying overnight with people who did not know he had type 1 diabetes and did not know what to do. Plus,Ben Glean who also died at the age of 18 due to not being diagnosed properly. He died of cardiac arrest. Jenny has been supporting the mums of all of these boys. She believes it should be made compulsory that any child or adult that goes to the Drs or A&E should have their blood sugars tested and that affected family should receive funding rather than have to pay for any counselling they need,privately.
Type 2 diabetes comes as a result of insulin resistance, in that the body cannot use insulin as it should or, from the pancreas being unable to produce enough insulin. It can usually be controlled by medication in the form of tablets alongside diet ,but in more advanced stages some people need to inject insulin.
Useful Websites JDRF -juvenile diabetes research foundation https://jdrf.org.uk Diabetes UK https://www.diabetes.org.uk
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STEREOTYPING Many children and adolescents are quick to compare the messages they receive at home to what their peers say. They might question what they have previously accepted at face value. The media - TV, films, advertising and social media influences can all shape our perceptions. At school, we are taught to develop our awareness about these messages. Yet, we might also experience that it is ‘safer’ to stick to group norms when it comes to our hobbies or the subjects that we choose. Unconscious biases
By Marie O’Sullivan Childhood messaging We first learn about gender roles in the families we grow up in. Some of the messages are never spoken aloud, but nonetheless we pick them up through observation, what it means to be a boy or a girl. We look to the adults in our lives and internalise the cultural values of our family and our neighbourhood. For example, we learn about who is in charge of money or who performs what tasks at home. We might discover that we are expected to behave or to express our emotions in a different way depending on our gender. Think about the family you grew up in ��
Who put the bins out/prepared meals/did the laundry?
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If you have siblings of the opposite sex, did you experience being treated differently based on gender?
● Who managed family finances bank accounts, pensions, decisions about large purchases?
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As adults, we might be keen not to promote gender stereotypes. We might believe wholeheartedly in equality. Perhaps we avoid dressing our babies in pink or blue to indicate their gender. Yet we might suddenly find ourselves walking past the gender neutral babygro display and purchasing tiny ugg boots, hairbands and furry jackets as a present to celebrate the birth of a female baby. Despite what we might like to believe, we all have unconscious associations about what it means to be male or female. Whether we are highly conservative, liberal, or somewhere in between, we all have unconscious biases that influence us when it comes to gender. It's worth exploring these and becoming aware of them, even if it's uncomfortable, because then we can look at the messages we are sending the children in our lives. We might never question our beliefs and values, until we hear about a friend's child who says they feel like they have been born in the wrong body. Or until ‘The boy in a dress’ is on the telly. Or maybe it's when our child questions their sexuality, and we suddenly realise all the assumptions we have made about their future, based on their gender. The link
CHILDHOOD MESSAGING Future are based on their gender. The link that follows is a really useful one. It leads to a series of research-based tests to help us to identify our personal biases on a range of topics (race, age, gender, etc) : https://implicit.harvard.edu/implicit/ta keatest.html
Practical tips ��
Take the gender/career test at the link above to uncover your personal biases
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Talk about your own feelings and encourage all children to name their feelings too. Allow them to express their feelings in the way that is comfortable for them
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Think about the unconscious messages you are sending to children about gender roles and career, finance, education, etc.
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Find out about local people who might have a career that stereotypically is not the norm for a person of that gender
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Look at the media influences that your child is being exposed to. For example, if they are following a social media influencer, are the images and content carefully curated? E.g. If they follow a celebrity, are they sending a message of body positivity, or are they applying filters and heavily editing their photos?
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Discuss traditional gender roles in your culture, the childhood messaging that you received and how that might differ from your values today
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Depending on your child's age, you might want to bring up the topic of gender expression and sexual orientation. Organisations such as this one https://www.mermaidsuk.org. uk/ provide useful information to help inform you about these topics
Recommended Books Stories for boys who dare to be different by Ben Brookes How to be a Lion by Ed Vere Goodnight stories for rebel girls by Elena Favilli The Little People, Big Dreams, series one and two, each containing ten books Boys don't knit (in public) Ben Fletcher
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By Chrissy B 1) What is the #MHDChallenge? How does it work? The MHDChallenge stands for Mental Health Dance Challenge. It is the world’s first ever dance challenge in support of mental health. Funky music and powerful dance moves depict the fight back against depression and other mental health issues. There are various ways you can take part, but the very first step is to watch the official dance video and tutorial which you can find on www.chrissybshow.tv/mhdchallenge. The dance has a more challenging part and an easier part. You can choose to do either or both parts. Then it’s really up to you where you take it from there. For example, you can record yourself doing the dance and post it on social media to challenge others, or you can organise a fun day at school, college or university and use the dance as a conversation starter and then get everyone trying the dance, or even put together a well-being morning at your workplace. There are lots of possibilities.
2) Why did you decide to create the challenge? Have you always loved dancing? Having been through depression, panic attacks and other mental health issues for seven years, but now fully recovered, I know that talking about these issues can be really hard due to the fear of being stigmatised. So, I wanted to create something fun that anyone could take part in but that would be a good conversation starter. I want to encourage people not to let depression (and other mental health issues) take over their lives and to fight back. The dance also aims to bring a wider understanding of mental health to the general public by getting more people talking about it. I wouldn’t call myself a dancer so this challenge was quite out of my comfort zone but I was willing to jump in because I knew it would help a lot of people. 3) You have amazing dancers in the YouTube video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v =CHX8A4KISIs Where are they from? Where was the video filmed, it looks like you had great fun. Who's the music by? I had an idea of what I wanted for the
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THE #MHD CHALLENGE MHDChallenge and already pictured some of the moves in my mind, such as the punching, the hands on head, etc. but I didn’t know how to choreograph these, so I enlisted the help of a well know youth group who do amazing community work - the Victory Youth Group. We worked together closely and they understood my vision for the dance and created something really special. We filmed the video mainly at the studio where I record the Chrissy B Show (the UK’s only TV show dedicated to mental health and well-being). We also filmed in different areas in London. It was hard work but a lot of fun. The music was put together by one of the dancers Malcolm Koroma, just using his phone unbelievably. He actually presented two tracks to me. They were both really great but I felt the one I chose had that ‘fighting spirit’ I was after. 4) What's the significance of holding the red handkerchief? The red handkerchief is very important. It signifies a declaration of war against depression and anything else that is trying to put you down.
5) How have people reacted to the Challenge? How many people have done the challenge so far? What age groups and where are they from? How's the schools tour going? The reaction has been extremely positive - people love the concept. As well as the tour I am currently doing for primary school children (where over 1600 children have already taken part with more dates booked in) I have also been invited to various mental health events at Universities, one at City Hall and even a Helplines conference to speak about my journey and do the MHDChallenge. The challenge has also been done by various youth and dance groups, so around 2,500 people have taken part so far. Each school that takes part in the challenge receives the official #MHDChallenge certificate. Sharon Lawton the MHDChallenge Ambassador who also appears on the Chrissy B show introduces the challenge to schools. Find out more at: www.chrissybshow.tv/mhdchallenge Also on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook by searching @mhdchallenge and email info@chrissybshow.tv
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GENDER and maths) and this is a problem for the industries later on.
Walk into any supermarket which sells children’s clothes and you will be awash with a pink area and a blue one. Watch your child and they know which direction to head in. Look closer however, and it is not just the colour which highlights what their gender choices should be but the less obvious but arguably more pernicious messages given to girls and boys. ‘Be pretty’, ‘you are a beautiful princess’, ‘smile and make people happy’ in the pink corner and ‘Be dirty’, ‘you are a rocket scientist ‘and ‘action man’ in the blue corner. These messages from such an early age will be having an explicit impact on children by telling them how to be and what they’re allowed to play with but also the subliminal messages telling them what is valued and how their worth will be measured. Girls need to please, sit still and look attractive while boys are scientists, active and risk takers. And what happens in school? Teachers are often aware of gender stereotyping but their subconscious may still treat the sexes differently as can parents and relatives. A television documentary called ‘No more Boys and Girls’ highlighted this. When children grow up, this can influence their choices of subjects in school and career prospects. There is a dearth of girls taking STEM subjects (science, technology, English
By adulthood, ambition and choice are starkly different, event to the extent of how males and females perceive themselves or others. Is a woman bossy and aggressive but a man assertive and confident? Are women judged cold if they do not have children as Theresa May is often described, and are men told to ‘man up’ if they are too emotional? There are even studies showing how more women make the tea and coffees in meetings and take minutes than their male colleagues despite being in the same position. #manels is also worth looking out for, it highlights all male panels which happen more often than you’d imagine. It seems a huge task to change the stereotypes and challenge companies to be gender neutral or even at times, use quotas to ensure more women are in politics and on boards. A great pun for #genderedcheese is the cheese board in organisations. As parents and carers it’s extremely difficult to navigate the world of gender stereotypes, how can you fight the industry when the old orange kinder eggs are replaced with pink ones containing princesses which your daughter really wants and blue ones with the latest toy story character within? I now boycott Kinder eggs and refuse to buy them for my children but it is hard if your children want them. And I wouldn’t ban pink either, one of my daughters is going through a pink phase and that’s fine. I do however try and change my language and ensure they don’t only value themselves for their image. I buy books with powerful women characters in them and a favourite at Christmas was
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#genderedcheese one of Malala Yousafzai which ended up being borrowed in one of my daughter’s schools for a project.
• Don’t take it too seriously, just noticing and making fun of stereotyping,influences children
Ensuring children see difference and challenges to stereotypes is important in my view and allows them to make choices. I like to think my children are aware and notice. An example recently was when looking through the Lego cards given out free by Sainsbury, both my son and daughters noticed how the girl characters were often princesses and they had ‘boring’ careers where the boy characters were the skateboarders and scientists. Recently we went to the Banff Mountain Film Festival and when we were on the way home, my daughter said to me, “there were only two women in those films and no black people’. To be aware of representation and diversity is something I have ensured my children notice, especially living in a predominantly white population in Dorset. I was proud she had watched those films with such a level of awareness.
• Fill house with diverse books with strong female role models • Discuss career paths and show women scientists and leaders but also male primary schools teachers and ballet dancers • Engender choice and promote difference Organisations to follow @Lettoysbetoys @letbooksbebooks @letclothesbeclothes @stemettes @GenderDiary @PinkstinksUK @WomenEd @WomenEd_Tech
Top Tips • Talk about representation and stereotyping in the media and ask what your children think • Attempt to use gender neutral language (avoid, terms such as throw like a girl and he’s just a boy) • Accept your boys crying and playing with dolls and your girls being assertive and leading conversations (avoid terms such as ‘man up’ or ‘bossy’) • If male and female parent/carers at home, model dual roles or if this is difficult at least talk about it and explain why things are the way they are
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By Jules Daulby is co-founder and a national leader of @WomenEd. She is a literacy and inclusion specialist and former teacher. Jules now trains in schools, writes and speaks about education.
GENDER MASCULINITY carry a complex value system that can teach macho behaviour.
By Matthew Barnes-Smith Here’s a question for you, and be honest! What are the first words that come to mind when you think of the word ‘man.’ Were you surprised at how stereotypical or how ‘positive / gender neutral’ the words were? Whatever words came to mind, it means that somewhere these perceptions exist. So, when focusing on the social construct of masculinity and the stereotypes that surround what it means to be a man, we must address the impact they have on society. When read together, the phrase ‘man up,’ means absolutely nothing, yet when men of a certain age hear it shouted at them, they instantly know what is expected of them in the situation they’re in. From an early age men can often act in a gendered way because of what they’re told ‘to be a man’ requires. These types of phrases
Typical traits associated with masculinity include strength, courage, independence, ambition and assertiveness. These may not necessarily be negative traits; however, they can often manifest themselves in more destructive traits such as aggression, violence, abuse of power, dominance, avoidance of ‘feminine traits,’ sex disconnected from intimacy, self-reliance, the relentless pursuit of achievement and status, and restricted emotions. We could add to this by saying ‘the default stereotypical man’ is also straight, plays sports, is absolutely ripped, is always up for sex, full of energy and always on the go. They are the breadwinner, show no fear or weakness, demonstrate control (over other men and especially over women), and do not cry or express emotions. The fact is that not all men fit into these unwritten rules or default descriptions, yet boys and men (of all ages) find it very hard not to try to live up to, or live into, some of these labels, pressures and expectations. Many will be able to relate to the damage the modern construct of masculinity, often referred to as ‘toxic’ or ‘hyper’ masculinity, is doing to the mental and emotional health and well-being of males, and those around them. It is worrying to think that these behaviours are being observed and repeated by impressionable young boys as to how they should live their lives. The proof of this worry is in the numbers. Statistically compared to girls, boys are more likely to: ● Be violent towards others ● Become addicted to alcohol or drugs ● Be imprisoned.
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MAN UP masculinity and to engage men and boys in the movement towards gender equality. Through workshops in schools, the group challenges boys to think critically about the gender stereotypes that fuel stereotypical kinds of behaviors. Put simply, just having this conversation and bringing the subject to our attention is the starting point. Many people will have never had the opportunity to speak about masculinity as a construct and its negative implications on many lives, and some people won’t have had these conversations for fear of being ostracized. It’s therefore important to create ‘safe spaces’ that these conversations can be had, where men and boys can practice emotional literacy, speak honestly without fear of judgement, and become comfortable with vulnerability being the ultimate test of strength.
● Achieve lower grades in school. Never seek help for mental health problems. ● Suicide is the single most common cause of death among men under 45. So, what can we do to tackle these attitudes, rewrite these statistics, and show the next generation that change is possible and there is room for men and boys to find greater fulfillment and happiness? A simple action we can all take moving forward is to find other ways of creating groups, especially with children, besides the default boys and girls approach. During this process, we can try to be more conscious of using inclusive language, and language that is non-bias towards a sex or social gender. This awareness is especially important around young people where it can influence or inhibit the role, activity or career they may wish to explore. There are now some amazing initiatives around such as The Great Men Project, set up to challenge stereotypes of
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In an amazing Ted Talk titled A Call To Me, the speaker Tony Porter, finishes by describing how he asked a young boy, what would life be like for you if you didn’t have to live up to all these rules? The answer the young boy gave? I would be free.
YOUNG MINDS CELEBRATINGKIDS KIDSDOING DOINGPOSITIVE POSITIVETHINGS THINGS CELEBRATING
This is talented poet nine year old Oliver Bunton- Butler from Swanton Abbott,Norfolk. He wrote his first poem ‘What I Can See,’ two years ago when he was on holiday on the Norfolk Broads. The first line was ‘I can see a swan floating gracefully.’ In November, to celebrate
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CELEBRATING KIDS DOING POSITIVE THINGS 100 yeas of WW1 Oliver's primary school asked each pupil to create a Poppy for a display in reception area. Oliver loves writing poems and so put pen to paper and wrote THE BOY after learning in class about how it would be to go to war (they had to write letters home as if they were on the front line). He presented the poem in the centre of a picture of a poppy His mum Claire put it on facebook to show her friends as she was so proud Celbratingkdsfl it got 640 likes! She says,’so many people were saying he deserved recognition for it - and I didn't know where to send it . Then I remembered how proud I would have been to get a Blue Peter badge. So that is where we sent it. They absolutely loved it - even saying sadly it was too late to get him in the studio to read it out - but they awarded him a Blue Peter Badge. He was so pleased.’
This is eight year old Ellie Clements from Bingham, Nottinghamshire. She has recently joined Cubs. She has always had close boy and girl friends and her favourite toy to play with is lego. So far at Cubs, she has enoyed learning about burns night and an outing to Jump Jacks trampoline/bounce park. She’s also really looking forward to going camping in May. Don’t forget to send in photos and details of Kids Doing Positive Things, for the next edition. Email: susan@positive-kids.co.uk
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YOUNG MINDS My friends were really supportive. Although my friendship group at school were not that sporty, they always supported me with my sporting commitments and congratulated me on my achievements. It was nice to have the girls behind me, but what I really valued, was the support I had from my male counterparts. I felt like the boys had a lot of respect for me and actually wanted to help me to develop. I remember going down to the boys session,and practicing kicking with their coach and their main kicker. It was great to have the backing of people who had been involved in rugby for a long time.
By Rosie Galligan I used to play a lot of netball. My training would finish at 11 and I had to wait another hour for my brothers to finish their rugby training. One day I said to my Dad that I wanted to try rugby. So I did and, as I got older, I also started to play hockey. I played hockey and cricket for Kent for a few years, but then in the summer of 2014, a few of my friends from the boy’s grammar school in Maidstone asked me if I would be part of their touch team – as you needed at least 2 girls to enter. I started to throw a ball around again, and decided I really liked the social element of rugby, as well as the fitness and getting stuck in. I decided to join Aylesford U18s girls team, and progressed through the county, regional and England pathways. I received my first international cap on the 1st February 2019.
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My parents support me in whatever I want to do. My Dad is a big rugby fan – he has coached my brothers throughout their age group years. With my size, stature and being brought up alongside two brothers, I think Dad thought rugby could be the sport that I could grow into. He was right! I would spend hours in the garden practicing passing with him, doing fitness, tackling him to the floor. Without my parents support, I wouldn’t be where I am today. In comparison to the other sports I have played, rugby is by far the most sociable sport and the sport that I have gained some lifelong friends in – both boys and girls. It is like one big family. Everyone supports each other, everyone wants you to do well. It’s a great feeling I enjoy coaching in school holidays and going into schools to try and inspire girls and boys to get into rugby – or any sport. I think sport is such a key factor for social and personal development. It has made me so much more confident in many
GIRLS RUGBY
ways. I also love going to the theatre and dressing up and going out with friends. You have to have a balance between pursuing your sporting dreams and still maintaining a normal 20 year old life. My career has only just started really. In the last 5 years, I have gone from being a centre, to a back row, and now I am a second row. So I have learnt a lot and I still have so much to learn. But that’s what I love. I love the challenge of bettering myself and knowing there are people out there who are better than me – it drives me to continue to work hard. Receiving my first cap still doesn’t feel real. I was bought into camp due to injury, however it came to the evening before the fixture, and it all suddenly dawned on me that I could be getting my first cap in 24 hours! The England Captain, Sarah Hunter presented me
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with a Red Rose and my shirt, and I had to look after Rory the Lion (the mascot), as I was the youngest first cap for that game. Standing singing the national anthem, with my three best friends next to me, and our parents in the crowd, was a picture/feeling I will never forget. I came on for the last 12 minutes of the match. Some people would say that’s nothing, but to me that’s my starting point. It’s the starting point of my international career, with many more to come (hopefully!). I believe that as long as you work hard, the rewards will arise. In the women’s game, this may take a bit longer, but there are definitely a lot more opportunities for women nowadays than 10 years ago. If I had to say anything to a young girl playing rugby, it would be, defy the stereotypes – be yourself and do what you love, for you, not for anyone else.
GENDER IT AN ISSUE JUST FOR- IS YOU As parents it is our job to continue the education of these subjects, to develop on them and learn about your child’s opinions and concerns around them. The question is, how do you think you would respond if your child expresses a concern about their gender? None of us will truly know unless it happens. If it does and you accept it instantly you are a very lucky person but for most people, there will be thoughts of: Did I do something wrong when they were in the womb? Have I parented them incorrectly? Did I miss something obvious that would have indicated that there was a problem? By Cath Lloyd If you are anything like me when I was first pregnant, I was only worried about whether my child was going to be born normal with all it’s fingers and toes, ears and eyes, limbs and organs in the right place and all functioning correctly. Once our child is born and starts to socialise and goes to school our concerns change to friendship groups, their intellectual ability, doing well at school, not being a bully,not being bullied and hoping that they grow up to be healthy,happy and successful individuals. Never do we think that something so dramatic like our child wanting to be a different gender will cross most people’s minds. Whether we like it or not sexuality and gender issues are discussed at school at around year 5 and to be honest there is so much conversation on social media and in the press about these issues it is good that this is being talked about. about.afe environment. As much as
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These are all normal thoughts and you have probably done nothing wrong and not missed anything. Growing up is hard and you may have simply taken your child’s concerns as a natural process of going through different changes in their life, exploring their feelings,values and opinions in life. However, the problems of acceptance will not end with you as parents. Generally, schools are becoming a lot more aware and have good protocols for adjusting to their pupils needs. The problems may occur in other areas of your child’s life, such as other relatives and the parents of their peer groups for example. When it comes to the other children at school that is for the school to manage. Your own family and friends are your responsibility and may be difficult because family relationships can be fragile. Talking with a couple recently whose 14 year old daughter, now their son are, as a closeknit managing this transition exceptionally well. I’m not saying it has been a walk in the park, but they have accepted and adjusted to it very well. They have managed the school well and go about
GENDER ISSUES with this as their new normal, not making it a big issue within their home. The problems emerging however are with the grandparents. Their inability to accept this change or to try to understand why their grandchild needs to make this transition. This is where the difficult part comes because you will need to have an honest and often very uncomfortable conversation about the problems, you are all struggling with. This may not be dealt with in a onetime conversation but may need to be addressed over various times because new concerns will emerge. Don’t forget, as a parent you are living with this every day, they are not and can easily fall into a state of living with memories rather than the new reality of family life. We all know that children can latch onto the emotional state and will spot a weakness which some may take advantage of or used to tease or cheek them creating even more of an awkward situation. Even though your child is going through a difficult personal time this also needs to be addressed, as with any child. If your child is expressing some kind of concern about their feelings for themselves, dress codes, their bodies they will probably be feeling very confused. It is not uncommon for people struggling with gender issues to think they are gay or lesbian. They are going through a process of figuring themselves out. It is easy for us as parents to say, ‘Don’t worry it’s only a phase.’ It might well be a phase but it might also be something more deep rooted than that. It is important to help them explore these feelings but then again not to make too much a big deal out of it. It will be a difficult balance for you all.
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Your child may want to talk about it but feels embarrassed and also may not know how to express their thoughts and feelings. Balancing these tricky thoughts and feelings without offending or damaging relationships can be fractious and strenuous on the best of relationships. When my Dad decided to finally conquer his needs to undertake gender reassignment it was as total shock to us all. You could say he had become the expert in deception. He had played a good game of concealing his feelings and fooled everyone. My dad came out as transgender when he was in his 50’s. Look at all those years he lost not being the person he really wanted to be. So, when I talk to people about the ethics of transgender issues in minors I always come back to the same question, If it was your child would you want them to be happy? I know I would. If your family is going though a difficult period, Be understanding, Be patient.Be flexible with your feelings around the subject and try and see it from their point of view. Always keep good levels of communication open. Communications doesn’t have to be verbal. Writing might allow you to express yourself more easily without being interrupted. Go back to your values and review what is important to you. Seek support. In my book ‘When Dad Became Joan: Life with my transgender father,’ I discuss why I found it so difficult to accept Joan’s decision and there’s also self-help to help you manage difficult change in your life. You can purchase it from my website at https://whendadbecamejoan.co.uk or Amazon at £14.99 or Kindle at £6.99.
THE DETOX JUSTBIG FOR YOU motivational chemical). Despite our wish to have it otherwise, regular moderate alcohol consumption (never mind its excess) is detrimental to every cell, organ and system in the body. Drinkaware is an independent alcohol education charity – their website is a treasure-chest of accessible, nonpreachy information on how alcohol impacts every aspect of our lives and how to make better choices about drinking.
By Izabella Natrins Every January we’re impelled make good last year’s excesses and begin THE BIG DETOX! Resolutions firmly made, we vow to do more, eat less and drink less and embark on a transformation to a leaner, fitter and much more purposeful version of ourselves.
In her book “The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober” Catherine Grey (popular press and magazine journalist) combines storytelling with science in her inspirational, raw and hilarious story of getting and keeping herself joyfully sober:
Many of us resolve to avoid alcohol – at least for the month of January. More of us are concerned that our alcohol consumption has crept up over the years and want to cut down or cut it out altogether. As a health coach, I’m seeing that for more of us (many more than you’d think) alcohol has become not only a regular habit, but a daily crutch. In researching support resources for clients, I discovered that a third of regular drinkers are worried they drink too much, but more than half have done nothing about it. The progression from regular to problem drinking can be so subtle that we don’t notice it until it becomes a big problem.
‘Let’s floodlight the sober movement. Alcohol is an addictive drug. There’s no shame in not being able to use it moderately. You are not unusual if you can’t stop at one or two. You’re not broken. Or weak. You’re actually the norm. Two-thirds of Brits are drinking more than they intend to. Our thinking about drinking, as a society, is wonky. Drinking is not inevitable. Or compulsory. We don’t need to have a doctor’s note to excuse us from swan-diving into wine.’ And we are becoming more ‘drink aware’; the Guardian boasts headlines like “Sober is the new drunk” and Millennials are leading the way to the New Sobriety. 40% of this age group are choosing to be teetotal and the drinks industry is keen to capture their alcoholfree leisure spending.
Alcohol is a highly addictive drug and it’s moreish; regular drinking not only builds up tolerance to alcohol, it wires our brain to expect it and then our body craves the subsequent ‘hit’ we get from the release of dopamine (the brain’s
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BEING SOBER I listened recently to a fascinating BBC Food Programme podcast ‘Weak, small and free: How no and low alcohol is finding power without strength’ on how no and low alcohol drinks are pouring onto the market. Brewers and bars are producing and serving sophisticated, top quality low or no alcohol beers, wines, cocktails and even spirits with provenance and integrity - a million gallons away from those ‘light’ beer we know and hate. Blogs and communities are popping up online: Girl and Tonic (Laurie McAllister) blogs about her transition: “Drinking to socialise, celebrate, commiserate, let my hair down, relax, had been my life for so long that I didn’t know what to do instead. I didn’t know how to date without drinking, or to hang out with my friends, or even how to dance.” Club Soda – The Mindful Drinking Movement’s aim is ‘to create a world where nobody has to feel out of
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place if hey are not drinking alcohol.’ Club Soda hold events around the country and sends out five eBooklets to “help you take your own personal sober sprint, from planning, setting your goals and tracking your progress, to finding your distractions and rewards, and deciding where to go next.” Here are some resources worth following up: Drinkaware: https://www.drinkaware.co.uk/ Catherine Grey: The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober. Aster (available on Amazon) BBC Food Programme: Podcast - Weak, small and free: https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m00 01sxf Girl and Tonic: https://girlandtonic.co.uk/ Club Soda – The Mindful Drinking Movement: https://joinclubsoda.co.uk/ Amelia Freer: How Much Alcohol is Too Much http://ameliafreer.com/alcohol-howmuch-is-too-much
