Positive Kids Magazine Issue 8

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OUR EXPERT ADVISORS

Matthew Barnes-Smith. Coach and Mentor for Young People www.lifecoachdirectory.org.uk/lifecoaches/ matthew-barnes-smith

Marie O’Sullivan Teacher, Counsellor and I.T. Trainer www.sparkleshimmer andshine.co.uk

Cath Lloyd Life Change Therapist and Stress Relief Consultant www.cathlloyd.co.uk

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WELCOME Hello Welcome to Issue 8 of Positive Kids Magazine.

In this edition our focus is on divorce and separation and different types of families.

Topics which I know can cause children distress having split from my children’s father when they were younger. It’s great to have the advice from our experts and other readers.

We’ve lots more too of course including a fabulous recipe, and a chance to win tickets to the fabulous Positively Empowered Kids Festival which I am co-hosting .

It’d be great to meet you there.

We also have an opportunity to win Nina Farr’s excellent book and have introduced some activity pages. Do let me know what you think of this initiative, Positive Wishes until next time

Susan Brookes-Morris (Founder and Editor) susan@positive-kids.co.uk 07890051638 www.positive-kids.co.uk t:@PositiveKidsUK Facebook: www.facebook.com/PositiveKidsMagazineandEvent Discussion group: www.facebook.com/groups/293164897758696

DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN SUBSCRIBE TO POSITIVE KIDS MAGAZINE FOR JUST £12.99 PER YEAR

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BY POST (UK - ASK FOR INTERNATIONAL POSTAGE RATES) EMAIL SUSAN@POSITIVEKIDS.CO.UK TO TAKE UP THIS OFFER

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WIN TICKETS Jackie, runs Empower Education, and works with children, young people, teachers and parents to educate them about emotional intelligence, selfawareness and resilience. She says, ‘I am so excited that the Positively Empowered Kids Festival is going to equip children and adults with tools and techniques to help them live their best lives, know that they are extraordinary and that they can achieve anything they want.’

Here’s a wonderful opportunity to win tickets to the fabulous Positively Empowered Kids Festival.

Claire, who runs Positive Pants which provides clothing to reinforce positive mindset and Blissful Balance where she offers wellness and empowerment events, explains, ‘Kids have so much to worry about nowadays and there’s so much pressure on them, we need to do all we can to support them and help them navigate their emotions.

Shockingly, one in eight children between the ages of 5 and 19 now have a mental health disorder according to the latest government report. The report also highlights the importance of prevention and early intervention as part of the action needed to stem the increase.

We have so many amazing things for children to try at the Festival, it’s going to be really empowering. They can sing, dance, drum, try holistic therapies and mindfulness, take part in wellbeing crafts, circus skills and nature activities and much, much more. The Festival really is going to make a difference to children’s lives and help to give them confidence, increased self-awareness and support their development.’

Aware of the current crisis and wanting to take positive action, Nottingham mums Jackie Wilson and Claire Clements have teamed up with Positive Kids to create an event which aims to help young people with their emotional wellbeing.

The Positively Empowered Kids Festival which takes place on 30 June at Nottingham Racecourse, will be a wonderful day packed with lots of free fun activities, excitement and knowledge to help children feel inspired about their future and be empowered to be happy being their true self.

Jackie and Claire’s daughters, Chloe aged 10 and Ellie aged 8 will also be at the Festival encouraging children to make bracelets with positive words on.

Chloe will also be part of a workshop run by Resilience Leaders.

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To enter to WIN TICKETS, send your contact details to competitions@positive-kids.co.uk with either FAMILY TICKET ( 2 adults and up to 3 children) or ADULT TICKET (single adult ticket) in the subject line by 10 JUNE 2019.

There are also opportunities to SPONSOR the event, put items in the GOODY BAGS, donate to the RAFFLE or ADVERTISE in the event guide.

To find out more call Susan on 07890 051638 or email susan@positive-kids.co.uk a.s.a.p

A MUM’S EXPERIENCE parents separating, as I really do understand them. When, parents cannot agree contact arrangements 40,000 families go to Court each year and this rises annually by 3%. These families who cannot reach agreement, will have the involvement of Children and Family Courts Advisory and

By Stephanie Hunter Research suggests, that one in two marriages/relationships will end post children. I’m writing this to help those affected navigate the tricky waters post separation. I write this with the positionality of over twenty years as a social worker, therapist, Cafcass professional, academic, author and a single parent.

Support Services (Cafcass).

Domestic Abuse In relation to the small number of families who cannot resolve arrangements, research by women’s aid suggest between 70 and 90% of cases in Family Courts involve domestic abuse and in the majority of cases, contact is ordered by the Court.

I can sadly write with painful authority that I wrote Court reports about where children should live and who they should see until 2002; then sadly endured family Court myself late 2015 to late 2017 with great practical, emotional and financial toll on my little family. Due to Court proceedings rules I can say little re. this except I never wanted to end up in that situation and don’t recommend it.

At the time it felt like there was no choice and mediation had advised that was not suitable.

If you’re reading this and are impacted by domestic abuse, this is obviously very frightening. Most people are aware that if you’re a parent and seek police help for domestic abuse they will usually involve social services to ensure the children are safe. This and the shame attached to abuse can deter women and men from seeking help. I would urge you to find an organisation that supports domestic abuse survivors, local to you and one which which upholds women’s aid standards.

I hope the following is informed advice and shows genuine empathy in relation to challenges that can occur post

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PARENTING FOLLOWING SEPARATION This will be important as you will need support to ensure contact can be arranged safely for the children involved. If indeed contact is safe. If you want to read more on this difficult topic the woman’s aid Nineteen Child Homicides report is available publicly on line. My key message would be seek help and support as children are harmed by domestic abuse. I have also found some facebook sites are helpful.

As the majority of victims are women I recommend the “Mother united against Domestic abuse” closed facebook

childhood can be lost. I also think childrens’ voices can also be lost.

Providing children with a voice post separation is vital. I think therapeutic stories can help, I bought, ‘My family is changing,’ by Pat Thomas which was suitable for my then oldest who was four and used sensory aids like a Build a Bear teddy with the non resident parents voice. I tried to make contact child centred and meaningful. This was in my experience difficult and what I can share legally is restricted. My daughters‘ father worked overseas for many years and did not seek overnight contact till about six years post separation. This made starting this difficult adjustment, stressful. Penelope Leach’s book “Family breakdown, helping children,” is excellent in my view. She provides thoughtful advice on shared parenting. It is understood more fathers seek shared parenting now. It is felt the advent of the child support agency and fathers rights groups have influenced changes as well as more involved fathering in society.

group. A quick search will find other groups aimed at men.

Parenting Post Separation In relation to parenting post separation, children are also harmed by conflict and discord. I personally think the percentage of parents choosing to engage in conflict is limited. I think domestic abuse and coercive control can play a part. The Courts are very naturally concerned if parents engage in conflict and may even change residence if contact with the non resident parent is not supported. I do not personally see this as the solution or that Courts are the right place for families struggling with decisions, as they are expensive, adversarial and chunks of childrens’ precious

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Shared Residence More involved, caring fathers can of course only be a good thing for children. Penelope Leach (2014) reviewed research which indicated few children enjoy shared residence arrangements. From my work with numerous families I tend to agree,that children rarely like frequent home moves and transitions and prefer a secure family base. I think as they mature, children should have a voice in arrangements. Most don’t like taking overnight bags to school or anything which identifies them as different.

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SUKI KASAS

positive social relationships. If the other parent won’t be civil, try to make handovers limited or at a public place or get CCTV as a deterrent. Remember children are precious and what they need most is time and love. They need wherever possible this from both parents.

Both “parenting times” are important and both should have valued, quality time at the weekends, but allow for changes for the children for parties etc.

Routine What children do like is routine, consistency, being able to see their friends, go to hobbies and parties and see both parents. The order of this will be influenced by age. By the teenage years their friends will mean the most! I therefore suggest the non resident parent really tries to be involved in their children’s lives and interests.

To summarise parenting separately has inevitable financial and practical challenges but it is preferable to a marriage full of conflict I would suggest you make all efforts for harmony post separation where you can.

There will always be different views/opinions. I think, ask yourself, is this petty or reasonable before challenging something. If it is petty let it go as it is not really worth conflict.

Role modelling As parents we need to try to model

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There are websites and services available if you need extra support. There are also positives to being raised by one parent.

One person is providing structure and authority at any time, so children should know boundaries. Also the benefit of being raised by parents who are happier apart is huge.

There is strength, courage and joy in parenting alone. Well done to those on this journey! If you want advice I am happy to try to help and signpost. stephanie.hunter@hotmail.co.uk

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RECIPE

Fruity Hooty Owls Get creative at snack time with these delicious Fruity Hooty Owls!

These feathery friends are a fun but simple snack to make with little ones.

Ingredients- makes one owl

Equipment

1 plain rice cake

Child- friendly knives for chopping

1/2 an apple or peach Half a banana

Child- friendly knives for spreading

2 blueberries

Chopping boards

Topping of choice, e.g. smooth nut butter, cream cheese, plain/ natural/ Greek yoghurt

Recipe Method 1) Get children to wash and dry the fruit.

Low sugar multigrain hoops

2) Encourage children to spread

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FRUITY HOOTY OWLS their topping of choice onto the rice cake.

3) Support children to carefully cut out the owl's wings from the apple or peach. If using peach for the wings, you should consider removing the stone to make it easier for children.

4) Cut out little triangles of apple or peach to form the owl's feet.

5) Now chop two slices of banana to form the owl's eyes.

6) Place two blueberries onto each slice of banana.

learning about food: ask children questions such as: what colours can you see? what can you smell? why are fruits good for us? how do blueberries grow?

Mathematics: encourage children to identify which pieces of fruit are bigger or smaller than others, count the multigrain hoops, measure ingredients, e.g. take one teaspoon of topping,check there is enough ingredients and equipment for everyone, use a visual timetable to sequence the order of creating the recipe.

Recipe provided by Early Start Nutrition whose team of 7) Encourage children to take six of registered nutritionists are on a the low sugar multigrain hoops and mission to promote positive place on the owl's tummy. attitudes and enjoyment of nutritious food throughout Top tip: consider the texture of childhood and beyond. They food that children can manage. If provide a range of training for using firmer fruits, such as apple, early years settings, along with you may need to lightly cook them interactive e-guides for families, before serving to children. to help them provide children with Alternatively, choose softer fruits nutritious foods to support growth, that do not require cooking. development and learning! Their e-learning topics include menu Opportunities for Learning planning, managing fussy eating and nutrition for young children.

Develop cooking skills: chopping, Find out more by visiting their cutting and spreading. website: https://www.earlystartgroup.com/n Encourage discussion and utrition/

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EXPERTS VIEW have of that period are the heated exchanges we witnessed between them.

Effects On Family It has taken a long time to understand the effects that the separation had on my family, which in many subliminal ways, we still experience today. How did I feel during and after ‘the chat’ my dad had with me? A whole spectrum of emotions, but if I try to take myself back to that young boy, I only have one word: confused.

By Matthew Barnes-Smith I remember vividly the ‘divorce chat’ my dad gave when he told me he and mum were separating. I was 12 years old. He had taken me shopping for new rugby boots and for pizza. A distraction tactic perhaps, and looking back I now see the run up to that conversation for both my parents must have been one of the hardest periods of their life. I’m pretty sure they didn’t have access to ‘how to divorce positively’ or ‘top tips for divorce’ online guides twenty years ago.

Did they make the right decision?

Would things have worked out between them had they stayed together? Who knows, and I think it’s impossible to try and quantify the effects of any separation through ‘what ifs’. What I know for sure is that it took a long time for my parents to reach a point where they could speak civilly to, and about, each other. The overriding memory my sisters and I

In her refreshingly and brutally honest new book (The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read), Psychotherapist Philippa Perry takes the reader through the vital dos and don’ts of parenting: from your own parenting legacy, a child’s environment and feelings, to the conditions for good mental health and communication. When parents decide to split or live separately, Philippa describes the importance of the parent’s referring to each other in respectful ways, and avoiding distracting from or dismissing children’s feelings, thinking this will ‘fix’ them.

Bad Person Taking a closer look, children see themselves as belonging, attached to and part of their parents. If one half is referred to as a ‘bad’ person, this can be internalised so that the child too sees themselves as a ‘bad’ person. The struggle between parents is felt in the young person being torn apart by the pull of loyalty to both. It can be extremely hard, but being able to be respectful during the break up is important to avoid any overspill negatively impacting the child.

According to the research: it’s not the family structure that matters so much to a child’s development, but how the members get on

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CHILDRENS’ FEELINGS

with each other. A large part of how children go on to feel about themselves and how they interact with others will form in relationship to their parents and the people surrounding them.

Happiness Within Parents want their children to be happy, and during a divorce this state can often be unattainable. But it is impossible to scold, distract or advise someone to be happy. A child may feel extremely confused, and a parent’s role must be to fully accept any and every mood that surfaces. Treating a child’s sadness, anger or fear not as negatives needing correction but as opportunities to learn and connect, will lead to a deepening of bonds and increases the capacity for happiness they can create within themselves.

The most important and difficult aspect

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is for the parent to also become fully aware of the emotions and feelings that arise within themselves, and learn to accept them.

Feelings There may be anger towards the other parent, worry about the future, and a desperate sense of trying to keep the child smiling no matter what. For both parent and child, they will feel things, no matter how inconvenient, no matter how much they want to deny them. It is vital to create the space needed to check in with the feeling, name it, and offer the time required to validate.

Being present with, and truly understanding the pain that arises in the most difficult of periods, for all involved, could lead to the biggest teaching for a child of how to navigate a happy life.

SERVICES TO HELP YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN

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PRODUCTS FOR YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN

MAKE MATHS FUN Great game which improves children's maths skills and reduces maths anxiety.

www.easymathskills.com

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NINA’S VIEW I had no idea that when I began my family, I would soon be joining the quarter of parents in the UK who raise their children alone. Or, that like many women, I would start that journey when I was carrying my second son. If you are raising your child, and you don’t have their other parent by your side, being the parent who stayed to be there with them can feel very overwhelming at first.

By Nina Farr Sitting in the bathroom looking at that second blue line appearing on the pregnancy test, my first thought was ‘Houston, we have a problem’. I knew my marriage wasn’t in good shape, but quite how bad things were about to get, I still didn’t realise. But I knew that another baby wasn’t going to reduce the pressure one little bit.

As the weeks sped by, and my bump began to show, home life began to unravel with frightening speed. Never mind the morning sickness – I felt giddy with motion sickness, knowing things were starting to rapidly change.

By the time I was 14 weeks pregnant I knew I would be raising my toddler and my new baby as a lone parent. Nothing could be further from the life I had imagined living when I got married just a few short years before.

I’m here to let you know that life on the other side of single parenthood can still be every bit as joyful and miraculous as you ever wished parenting would be. I know, because I’ve lived it, and I’ve worked with over a hundred parents taking their first steps into parenting alone as well.

Today I am a Leadership Coach, Author and TEDx speaker working with those who parent alone all over the world. There are families in every corner of the globe embarking on the adventure of parenthood with just one parent at the helm. They are doing it brilliantly, and so can you.

I’d like to share just some of the things I have learned about navigating parenting alone, so you can relax and start to enjoy it as much as I do today.

1. You are enough. If you are experiencing feelings of panic, negative self-talk or waves of sadness or despair when you think about how different the future seems from what you expected, know this: you are not failing. You are feeling. Feeling is allowed. You can feel mad, bad, sad and everything in between. No matter how conflicted or afraid you feel at

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BEING A SINGLE PARENT times, you will be enough. Your child loves you, to them, you are their world.

2. It’s ok to not be with your child 100% of the time. When you become a single parent there are big feelings to navigate. One of the most tricky is feeling guilty about wanting time away from your child. But you need a break and it’s ok to accept one. Don’t be afraid of ‘giving up time’ with your child.

Make regular arrangements with their other parent or family members. Embrace the freedom of a few hours or a few days to recharge yourself. No one is

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judging you as harshly as you are judging yourself so let it go.

3. Ask for help. No parent knows what they are doing when they start out (or shh – even after nearly 10 years). Couples get to ask each other what the heck they are doing. You need to be brave and ask friends, your mum, professionals. You’re not meant to have it all figured out so don’t be afraid to show people that you are still learning 4. Rejoice in your bravery. ` Parenting by yourself is an act of faith and deep courage. You

are showing up for the hardest job on earth and doing it with just grace and intuition to guide you much of the time. This is a big deal. Don’t let your inner critic tear you down too much.

The journey you have embarked upon is going to be wonderful, chaotic, challenging, will probably send you grey and give you wrinkles. But that’s the journey of parenting full stop.

Embrace the madness and you will find moments of joy all over the place.

5. Gratitude is the key to joyfully parenting alone. Notice the good in the midst of the muddle.

For everything you don’t have there is someone somewhere who wishes for what you do have. Make it a daily practice to pay attention to the good things in your life and teach your children to do the same. A daily gratitude practice as a family keeps all of you focused on the positive and sharing in the successes each day brings.

If you need a little lift on your path to parenting alone, come and join my community for women who parent alone on Facebook (https://www.facebook.com/groups/thecl ustermothers/) pick up a copy of my book ‘I am the Parent Who Stayed’ or find out how I can help you personally at www.ninafarr.com

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For a chance to WIN a copy of Nina Farr’s book I AM THE PARENT WHO STAYED Email : competitions@positivekids.co.uk by 10 June with you postal address and the word STAYED in the subject line

ACTIVITY Ask your child: WHO IS IN YOUR FAMILY?

My family is my mother Alicia, my father Oscar, my brother Lucas, my grandma Elvira, my husband Fer and my dog Pitufo.

Who is in your family?

Courtesy of mrsromi.blogspot.com

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Draw a picture of your family or write about them on this page

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MINDFUL COLOURING FOR CHILDREN

A simple activity to get your child to just switch off and concentrate on this simple creative activity - colouring in these positive phrases.

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GOOD IDEA

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EXPERT VIEW

By Marie O’Sullivan

By Marie O’Sullivan Depending on the circumstances surrounding a separation, it can be very difficult to explain what’s happening to children. It might be that you are experiencing confusion and a myriad of emotions around this yourself. It may be that you are feeling ambivalent about the separation.

Look After Yourself Be open and honest with your closest friends and family members about what is going on for you. Don’t be afraid to accept practical help and emotional support. Allow them to take a few tasks off your plate, even if it’s a little thing, it will allow you to reclaim that energy for yourself. The separation process can be hugely depleting emotionally, so remember that one of the best things you can do for your child is to look after yourself. If you are too exhausted to look after your own needs, you won’t be able to be fully present. Some people might

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find it helpful to join a support group (either online or face-to-face) to connect with others who have been in the same situation.

Support For example, they might be able to help with practical tips, such as what to do if you find out that your child has been secretly longing for you to get back together with your ex.

When parents are separating, young children need concrete facts, ideally with both parents present e.g. if one parent is moving out/if they will be changing schools or moving house, it is better to prepare them for these transitions as early as possible. If one of you is moving out, get really specific about the details, when this will be happening, where they are moving to, how often they will see the child. It might be helpful to record a bedtime story as it can be reassuring to hear their voice, or perhaps they could give a special teddy as a symbol of their love. If appropriate and safe, keeping contact

EXPLAINING SEPARATION (though this can be very challenging) can help your child to feel secure Their Fault Young children often internalise family breakdown as being their fault. At this age, they are highly imaginative and may try to “fix” the relationship and orchestrate a reunion. It’s really important to reassure them that they are not to blame for the separation and that both parents still love them. Equally, it’s important not to build up false hope about getting back together.

The book “When My Parents Forgot How to Be Friends” by Jenniferr MooreMalinos and Marta Fabrega explores these topics in a child-friendly way. Even if the separation is acrimonious, be conscious of “little ears.” Young children take in a lot more than we realise! Try your best not to argue in front of your child or to make negative remarks about your former partner. Instead, you might choose to save that discussion for when you are child-free and in the company of good friends or your therapist.

Books can be a really helpful way to introduce the topic of separation and they can also encourage your child to open up about their fears and concerns.

Recommended Books

School Let your child’s school know that you are separating so that they can keep an eye on your child. Try to keep other things in your child’s life as stable as possible, as this will help to foster a sense of security when there are big changes happening.

Be aware that events such as birthdays or Christmas might be times when your child might need extra attention and reassurance. Let them know that it’s ok to feel sad or angry. It can take time for everyone to adjust to the new normal, but if your child is still very unsettled within 6-12 months of the separation, it can be a good idea to seek additional support. .

Two Homes by Claire Masurel, Kady MacDonald Denton Mum and Dad glue by Kes Gray Emily's Blue Period by Cathleen Daly The Suitcase Kid by Jacqueline Wilson The frog who longed for the moon to smile by Margot Sutherland Two of Everything by Babette Cole

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EXPERT VIEW

By Cath Lloyd Forming good relationships is difficult at any age, especially when it comes to matters of the heart. For young people this comes with fraught decisions for them:- who to go out with, who to have sex with, who to trust and even who to fall out with. This can also be difficult for parents who are trying to find the best way to support their child,especially if they are struggling to talk about their feelings. As parents you might struggle to keep up with their newest relationship, wonder how to advise them to manage a difficult relationships or how to help them emotionally when they have been dumped or have to find the strength to do the dastardly dead.

As a mother of two early twenty plus year olds, a young lady and young man it has been two very different experiences for me. My daughter is always desperate to do her best in managing any relationship.

This can be extremely difficult when you can see that the relationship is not healthy for her. My son, on the other hand, is more matter of fact and if things

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aren’t going so well, after a chat, finds it easier to see the other side and then go and manage it in a way that will give him the best outcome. As a daughter I never talked to my mother about how to manage relationships. The most I talked about was, “I am going out with him” and “I am not going out with him any longer”. I realised very quickly that talking to her about my matters of the heart was not going to be productive for me. When I mentioned how nice a new boyfriend was, she said, “They always are dear.”

Unfortunately, this didn’t give me much help in supporting my children through these times, except that I knew I wanted to be more useful than I felt my mother was.

I hold my hand up and admit I have made a lot of mistakes just like most parents, but it is about using what we have learnt from our own experiences and doing the best we can with what we have got.

Parenting has changed a great deal over the last 30 years. We are a lot more connected to our children, we share our day on a more level playing field with less of an emotional generational gap. I see this as a huge benefit as I have a much better relationship with my children than I ever did with my parents at this age.

However, be warned, this closeness can come with heart ache.

During my 25 year long adult education teaching career I came across a lot of fathers when teaching Parent Craft who would firmly announce that their daughters, “aren’t going to go out dating until they were at least 25!” But, there sons on the other hand, “can go out sowing their seeds as soon as they are able”. As you can imagine I had a

MATTERS OF THE HEART few words to express regarding my concern for the longevity of their father daughter relationship and the sexual health of their sons and the young ladies they came into contact with.

As a transformation life coach and a parent who has been on the end of heart ache, I wanted to share with you my best tips regarding this area of parenting. ● Be open to their emotions and thoughts. ● Put your feelings and thoughts aside. ● Listen without judgement. ● Ask if they want advice or just to be listened to. ● Connect with their personality and how they make decisions. ● Make suggestions, don’t tell them. ● Remember they are learning, so ask questions that will help them think through the process and help them make better decisions. ● If you feel you have to be totally honest, warn them first so they can be prepared. ● Give them the positive I message with an open-ended question rather than point the finger.(Say how you are feeling) ● You will not always be pleased about their choices of love relationships. Remember, at the end of the day it is their life choice not yours. None of us are perfect and no relationship is perfect either. ● Accept their decision but if or when that relationship breaks down, be there with welcoming open arms.

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● It might be hard but refrain from saying, “I told you so”. ● To you the relationship could appear perfect especially if you get on well with the partner. If the relationship breaks down remember that we don’t know what is going on behind closed doors. ● You might also need a time of bereavement when a long-term relationship breaks down.

Keeping a healthy, strong relationship with your teenager through these trying times can be hard but remember what it was like when you were that age and finding your feet within relationships. It is hard for all of you. You want what is best for your child but they have to learn to make good decisions. Sometimes we learn best through making the wrong choice. I have witnessed two mothers who had severed their relationships with their daughters because they insisted on telling their daughters the truth about their life choice partners. This severing has meant their relationship has been at logger heads because both of these mother’s had insisted that they will not take the first step in repairing that relationship.

It is hard for our children to imagine their parents being teenagers and experiencing all these traumatic love matters. The more understanding and open you can be with them, the more you can talk about and admit your own mistakes, then this will show them that you are human too. This will make you more approachable when they have something difficult to talk about.

They will always be your child. Love your children for who they are not what you expect them to be.

JUST FOR YOU that is often over looked. That is until the person starts showing signs of complete overload, disconnection with others and starts to burn out.

I feel that lack of true expression pays a massive part in the addiction to this fantasy, virtual land.

By Sally Saint The massive expansion of social media, has been phenomenal, but like all things that grow rapidly, the full ramifications have not been taken into account, and it is us who must do the safe guarding. We must fast track,learn or burn out.

Along with the positive aspects of social media, there is also the ability for it to become a virtual world, one that is addictive and one where having your phone attached to your hip is so normal .

Mobile phones have so many uses, I am not taking away what they give, but they allow instant access to social media, and the more we expose ourselves and our brain to something repetitively, it becomes part of the norm for us.

It becomes part of our lives, and if we are struggling with an area of our life, we can get lost in the social media world.

We think we are controlling this virtual world, but it is actually the opposite. It is breaking down the boundary between real and virtual and we lose control. All of the addiction is wrapped up so beautifully in a socially accepted pastime

When we are young we understand and accept all ranges of emotions, they are not labelled as good or bad, they just are. A child sees only the moment and is authentic with whatever comes up, the restrictions are then imposed by those around the child.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with anger, it is the labelling of it, and repressing of it, that leads to the rage that we see expressed around us.

There is the time and space for tears, it is the uncomfortable feeling of the adults around the crying child that forces the tears to dry up, and the child puts on a face and a mask.

The mask of hiding emotions, is something I know all too well, and it is my own healing journey that has prompted me to write and share with others. So that you do not feel alone, and question the societal mask which is that only the expression of ‘nice’ emotions is acceptable and that you don’t unconsciously pass on this baton to your children.

Positivity, is something deep inside of us that can be nurtured and tended like a seed, or it can be squashed and repressed with the restrictions placed upon us. Question and go within. What is your response to certain emotions?

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TRUE EXPRESSION If one makes you feel uncomfortable then that is where a restriction has been placed on you.

The great thing in being aware of it, is that this means you can change it and that means not only do you allow authentic expression for your child, you also open the door for you to walk through.

Allowing yourself to feel angry does not mean you are an angry person who will be judged and sentenced. Crying does not mean you are weak and will upset others. Feeling pain does not mean you are vulnerable or upsetting others, it means you are expressing on behalf of your body, yourself, so the feeling is honoured and released. You are saying, this hurts, I see it, I feel it, I will be gentle with myself until it passes.

Do a check right now, do a list of emotions and see for yourself what your brain puts next to them.

When I became a parent, I was plunged into the world of questioning everything and learning about coming from my heart. In watching my son I saw the gift of allowing true expression, for there is absolutely no residue with allowing expression at the time.

A bang hurt, and was felt, frustration was expressed and then was gone in an instant. Tears were allowed and yes were a waterfall but didn’t build into a dam about to burst. In allowing and honouring my child’s emotions it opened the door to my own healing, and made me question my own narrow track of acceptable emotions that I allowed .

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myself.

I lived on the ‘good girl’ track and viewed every other emotion I felt as bad,. The times in my life that were the worst possible, to the outside world looked absolutely fine for I had my mask truly in place. The mask where only my eyes could be seen, and if anyone saw the truth in those eyes, they would know inside I was breaking apart.

Mental health, anxiety, depression, a are flags for us all to take note of, and are often caused by the build up of years of non authentic expression The greatest gift to give our children, is the understanding that every single emotion is ok, and as soon as its accepted and expressed it passes. It does not become a label, it is just a moment in time, labels come when emotions accumulate.

It is time for the societal mask to drop.

Allow yourself the best gift of all, real authentic expression. Does it mean we are not positive? Of course not, that’s part of who we are, that’s our very core being. It is just an emotion that’s passing through.

False positive has become another mask recently, with the explosion of positive quotes it can read as another silencer for those stepping on the path of self expression, positive quotes are fantastic and have their place, but being real is what we all have the right to be.

We are all divine beings and if we want our children to have a firm base in reality, a healthy respect for the uses of social media, but no desire to make it their home, then we must set the example by allowing ourselves and them to be real.

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When I get angry, I joke with my son that Red from Angry birds is here, I have a rant, it has no poison attached, its an expression and its gone, in minutes its expressed and over. The overloading comes from our pasts, I have had times of absolute rage, and I did something with it, chopped up a wooden chair recently and burnt it; as I knew it needed a vehicle to express it. I watched the flames and as they burnt my rage released. The rage had absolutely nothing to do with anything current, it was a build up. I knew because of my healing background, so I knew what to do.

Being real is not a curse, we will not get frowned upon, we will be real,and relieved. Enjoy the journey of dropping your own mask and connect with your child on this journey. Its real, its healthy, and its hugely positive for your mental and physical health.

PROBLEMS AT WORK? ��

Sleepless nights and dreading going to work tomorrow

�� Confidence low, unable to deal with difficult

​

people/situations �� Fed up of being unsupported and under valued �� Facing Redundancy & worrying whether you'll get another job �� Overwhelmed by your workload, pressure weighing you down �� At a crossroads but confused about what to do

My own career was peppered with episodes of stress, frustration and feeling trapped. I took action for the sake of my health, relationships and sanity. I can help you do the same. ​ Work is only part of who we are. Specialising in working with you, the human inside your job title, I ensure the changes you make are the right fit and you have the skills and the mind-set to get you there.

**FREE Telephone Taster Session: “Take the Weight off Work & Life”** Book Here: www.achievemorelivemore.com/book-online

Life Changing Career Coaching with Michelle Tranter