Adoption and the Holidays: Tips for Adoptive Couples and Their Children

Adoption and the Holidays: Tips for Adoptive Couples and Their Children Under the best of circumstances, the holidays can bring stress as well as joy and excitement to families. For newly adopted children, however, the holidays may also bring up emotions and challenges that can make it harder for them to settle into new routines with their adoptive families. Fortunately, there are a few things you can do as an adoptive couple to help your child navigate the holidays successfully. Following are a few of the steps you can take to make the holidays a more joyful experience for everyone.

Take time to understand your child's feelings about the holidays.

One of the first things adoptive couples need to do when entering a holiday season with their newly adopted child is to take the time to find out how their child is feeling. Each child will react a little bit differently to the upcoming festivities. For instance, they may be grieving the loss of their birth parents or previous long-term foster family. Children who join your family through older child adoption may have become accustomed to certain holiday traditions that are important to them. Others may never have experienced a joyful holiday and may not be prepared for the gift-giving, family meals, parties, and traveling.

Because children's feelings and expectations can vary so widely, it is vital that you take time to talk with your child about the holidays.

Once you have a clearer idea of their own expectations and feelings, you will be better equipped to make the holidays special for them. For instance, you may be able to incorporate some of their favorite traditions into your celebrations. You may decide that they will benefit from advance discussion regarding your holiday plans. You may choose to arrange for them to spend a little extra time with their birth

parents. Regardless of what you choose to do, the important thing is to listen carefully to your child's feelings and to make decisions that take those feelings into account.

Incorporate your celebrations.

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As mentioned above, children who join your family through older child adoption or through international adoption may already have beloved holiday traditions they want to maintain. These traditions could be ones that their birth parents or foster family established, or cultural traditions from their country of origin. The loss of these traditions can be a source of grief and disappointment that can overshadow your child's new celebrations with you.

As a result, if you learn that there are certain traditions that are important to your child, it may be helpful to include those traditions in your own celebrations. These accommodations can be as simple as substituting your preferred holiday meal for theirs, and as significant as adding new rituals and routines into your holiday plans. By doing so, you acknowledge the validity of your child's previous experiences, honor their past, and allow them to celebrate the holidays in a way that is comfortable and familiar to them.

Establish your own family routines.

As mentioned above, one way to make the holidays easier for your adopted child is to incorporate traditions from their past into your holiday celebrations. However, at the same time, it can be important to establish your own holiday traditions as a forever family. These traditions should include things that are entirely new to both you and your child. In this way, you avoid making your child feel like an outsider to traditions that have already been long established. The exact form of these traditions is not important. Whether you open all your gifts on Christmas Eve, light a menorah during Hanukkah, travel to Florida to visit family, or set up your tree the day after Thanksgiving, these new traditions all work to give your child a sense of togetherness and permanence.

It can help your child to feel more secure within your new family unit if you also emphasize that your holiday activities and traditions are for the entire family. For instance, make sure your child knows that the whole family is taking a holiday trip. Make sure that you set up the tree when everyone in the family can participate. Choose a holiday movie to watch that is suitable for everyone. In this way, you emphasize to your child that they are a permanent part of your family and that they can fully participate with you in all of the excitement that the holidays have to offer.

Plan ahead for challenges.

Finally, in order to enjoy a successful holiday season with your adopted child, take the time to anticipate and plan for potential challenges. For instance, you may know that your child is particularly anxious about a certain aspect of the holidays (i.e. food, airplane ride, sleeping away from home). Whatever this fear is, you may be able to alleviate it by coming up with ways to deal with the issue ahead of time. For instance, you may spend time talking with your child about your holiday plans before they happen. You may pack their own pillow so they can sleep with something familiar. You may read books about airplane rides, or make sure you have food on hand that your child will enjoy during the holiday dinner. If your child is prone to anxiety or hyperactivity, you may want to think through calming techniques you can use if they begin to get agitated. By planning ahead, you will be prepared to calmly and quickly diffuse any situations that might otherwise escalate into crises.

Navigating the holidays as a newly adoptive family can bring challenges. However, there are many steps you can take to help your child feel part of the family and to help them manage their emotions during this busy time of year. By taking time to understand your child's feelings about the holidays, incorporating your child's previous traditions into your celebrations, establishing your own family traditions and planning ahead for challenges, you can keep the holidays relaxed, joyful, and fun.