Setting Expectations for Adoption as a Birth Mother It may only be the beginnings of the pregnancy – the baby may just barely show. But if a mother already knows that she will work with an adoption agency to find a new family for her child, it’s time for her to begin setting expectations for the process of adoption and the delivery of the child. Pregnancy is already steeped with stereotypes. According to popular notions of pregnancy, the expecting birth mother will be moody, hungry, beset with strange demands and even stranger emotional responses, all while ‘glowing’ with an undeniably beautiful and loving energy.
Some of these ideas may be true, and others may be less factual; it depends on each woman’s own personal path, and much of that is already decided by biology and genetics. However, in setting the expectations for the adoptive process, many crucial and important decisions are entirely up to the birth mother. Will she build a positive, supportive relationship with the adoptive family? Will she plan ahead, and strategize for the immediate days, weeks, and months after the pregnancy, and decide in advance how to address any feelings of regret, guilt, or loss? Will she plan for the future possibility of wanting to contact her child, and negotiate the needed measures to be able to make contact as needed?
These questions are imperative for any pregnant woman considering adoption. This guide can help to set those expectations and plan for a post-adoption future. Set Post-Adoption Goals If the decision to place the child for adoption has been made, there must have been strong motivating reasons for making this choice. Think on what matters at this stage in life, and what needs to happen next for a successful future. Is finishing school or starting college the next steps to take? Will you be getting a master’s degree, or starting a very first job? Perhaps there are certifications that you want to attain, to jump-start a new career.
Create lists and schedules, as specific or general as is helpful, outlining the people who provide encouragement, the places that provide resources to help you on your path, and the goals that you would like to accomplish. Adoption can be a difficult experience, but the hardship was taken on in pursuit of lifelong goals and needs. It is important to keep that common sense perspective in mind as powerful emotions ebb and flow after the adoption. Concrete goals, schedules, and plans will certainly help. Find Support Everyone needs a friend, and in times of stress and change, people need the love and support of their friends more than ever. Before the adoption takes place, identify sources of encouragement and care. Family members, friends, adoption agencies, and support groups can all play a role in
listening, advising, and simply caring about how the adoption is going, and what thoughts and feelings you may have.
This is also an important thing to do before an adoption because a community of people who have experienced adoptions will help you understand what to expect. A group of birth mothers who have already placed their child up for adoption and are currently moving forward in life can provide an example to look up to. They can explain how they felt, and how they coped with any negative feelings. This piece of advice goes both ways. If there are some people who frequently judge you, or end up making you feel bad on purpose, it may be a good idea to develop strategies for coping with them. If such a person is a work partner, for instance, or a housemate, they will likely be unavoidable, and coping strategies will have to be developed. Consider telling them in concise, objective terms, that some of the things that they say are hurtful, or consider easy ways to change the subject. If it’s needed, consider avoiding them entirely for the first weeks after the adoption. Plan Ahead with a Professional When so much is at stake, it can be hard to plan ahead for every likely possibility. What if, after the adoption takes place, the birth mother wants to contact her child more than she thought that she would? What if she wants more information about her child’s development?
Planning ahead with a real professional who is well-versed in the adoption process can help to identify the exact type of adoption that is best for a birth mother. In the event that a birth mother thinks she might like to contact her biological child, the birth mother will want an open adoption. If she, for whatever reason, decides that contact post-adoption should be avoided, a closed adoption is the best choice. But there are still other guidelines and parameters that dictate the measures that a birth mother may take to keep in touch with her biological child. A professional like an attorney or the skilled staff at an adoption agency can go through each of these questions, and help to advise on what type of adoption and agreement is the best fit. Just as importantly, they can draw from their own experience and help a new birth mother understand what is common in adoptions, and what she might expect from her post-adoption experience. Planning ahead and being proactive can make all the difference in a post-adoption experience. For more ideas about how to plan ahead for an adoption and make the decision for yourself, consult with professionals, like those at a respected adoption agency. About Action Adoption at Providence Place Placing a child for adoption is an important decision that requires careful consideration. Are you contemplating this loving option? Do you have any idea about how or where to start? Action Adoption at Providence Place in San Antonio can help. We will guide you through the process while making sure all your questions are answered. Contact us today to learn more.