A SEAT AT MY TABLE LESSONS ON LOSING YOUR MIND
by Imani Sierra
I
remember it so vividly. The year was 2016 and I had just started my freshman year of college. I was conflicted in more ways than one. In a constant tug of war, I was battling between being who my parents wanted me to be and doing the complete opposite to prove a point. I was having my first experience with the lingering of soul ties and not really understanding what was happening. I was questioning my religious upbringing; I was searching for who I was. But aside from all these things, I was living my best life I guess you could say. Now during my first semester away I was going through phases of doubt, hurt, and confusion, and on September 28 I felt like I was going to explode. I was so overwhelmed by everything and I just wanted to run and I didn’t know where but I had to leave. I remember getting to my dorm trying to write something, anything but the words just wouldn’t come to me. From there I picked up the first book I saw which happened to be Maya Angelou’s ‘I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings’, but I couldn’t concentrate as my mind began to run rapidly. I then decided it was time for a long hot shower so hopefully I could sleep; it didn’t work. My next attempt at solace was partaking in some herbal medicine if you will in hopes that just maybe the tears would come but nothing. After all of this trial and error, I was exhausted but my thoughts wouldn’t let me rest, I felt heavy. Finally, the time had come and I decided to listen to Solange’s album first seeing that it had been a while since Solo put out any projects. If you’re familiar with her music career you know that Solange has always had a very colorful sound full of jazz notes and funkadelic vibes. As I listened to the first 19 seconds of “Rise” I got a surge of excitement for what was to come. As I experienced this album I was left in awe. This was something I never knew I needed. It was a story of Black people coming into themselves, being themselves, accepting that self, and finding their seats at the table. I was so amazed that I had to run it back and to my surprise, I happened to miss a track in my initial stream and that track was
66 THE SQUEEZE SPRING 2020
“Cranes In The Sky.” This track opened up with a beautiful harmony of a violin and boom-bap beat so I already knew that I would love this song. At 28 seconds she finally begins with the lyrics: I tried to drink it away, I tried to put one in the air, I tried to dance it away, I tried to change it with my hair, I ran my credit card bill up, Thought a new dress would make it better, I tried to work it away But that just made me even sadder I tried to keep myself busy, I ran around circles, Think I made myself dizzy, I slept it away, I sexed it away, I read it away I was shook, I felt exposed. I too had an ‘it.’ A few actually. I had doubts, I had hurt, I had confusion as well as some other things I couldn’t put a word to. I felt like she just described my whole night with no idea who I was. But the craziest part about all of this was even though the song spoke to my circumstances, I still did not grasp the full message of the song until three years later. I was entering my last semester as a third-year Africana Studies major and I was facing some real adult problems with a side of depression. And like I was so used to, I tried to run. I began my admissions process at a new school and starting to prepare my finances for relocation. I was working a job I hated, entertaining someone who didn’t deserve half of me out of familiarity while simultaneously grieving the unrequited love of the person I knew was the one. I was drifting from my family and began feeling like just a being with no purpose. That summer I lived in what felt like a rehabilitation center full of chaos, sprinkles of joy, havoc, therapy.
