Lost By Charles
Lost Nowhere to go. Nowhere to show. Where could you be? Where would you be? Don’t know where you are. Won’t know where you are. Lost somewhere you don’t know. Maybe in the snow? Maybe near the sand? Probably on land. Maybe in your soul? Maybe in Lowell? Maybe in finding who you are? Maybe at a bar? Maybe up high? Maybe in the sky? Everyone is lost in something. No one is lost in nothing. Lost we all are. Wish we could follow a star. “Choose Kind,” the words that are constantly recited from the book fascinating Wonder. The words that characters make seem so easy to say, when they really aren’t. Those words can slip from your lips and out into the open air with ease. But actually choosing kind, is much harder than saying it. They say that choosing kind is always encouraged, but I disagree. Do all deserve to receive the act of kindness? Can the act of not choosing kind, be justified? If that can’t be justified then the act of being kind shouldn’t be forced. It is the flaws that bring out the goodness within. So I mention this book Wonder. My problem with this book is that it makes everything seem so easy and effortless. It makes choosing kind seem easy, and effortless. One character Julian is viewed as a huge bully. But, maybe he isn’t a bully, maybe he is human. I know what you are thinking, Sam Berg, thinking deeply about a book, let alone reading. Well, I say it is what’s inside that defines us, not what is on the outside. The outside is an illusion to either make people like us, or make people hate us. You must think I’m a hypocrite, I get it all I do is pick on the weak. But, I do it for a reason, I want the respect of the popular. I hate to admit it but, all I’m doing is countless manipulation. I’m like the character Darth Vader, I’m doing bad things. But, I try to convince myself I’m making the the right move for myself. I know what I’m doing is wrong, so is convincing myself an even worse atrocity. It is ironic that the fool fools everyone including oneself. But,
can the fool have redemption? Can the fool show resilience from what he has once done?
Lost
“The wheels on bus go round and round, round and round, round and round. The wheels on the bus go round and round, all through the town.” Screams almost everyone. Haven’t people already learned not to be such a huge annoyance? Everyone has their flaws though, and some are visible, some are hard to see. But we all have our flaws.
The bus could go a little bit faster, after all, the bus makes all other cars look like a bullet bill. The bus bounces up and down, occasionally, sending some unbuckled kids flying up and down. I’m smart enough to know that I should wear a seatbelt, but I don’t. Not to enjoy the bus but to embrace the person that everyone else knows. You could almost say that I’m a magician, tricking everyone into thinking whatever I want. The bus is not in the best shape, the yellowness on the outside has begun to fade away, to grey. There is trash scattered across the dusty floor. The seats are torn up, exposing the inner filling. Swears cover the seat, sadly mostly written by me. I don’t like to be the person I am, but I do it anyway, to survive. I sit next to a new boy, who’s name I can’t remember. He’s new, just came yesterday from another school, I wish I could be at another school. I would have a clean slate, life would be at ease. This new boy has dark brown hair, a buzzcut, and some cool clothes. He lacks personality from what I can tell. He seems like that average sporty brat, too cool for school. That’s everyone these days, and it’s a shame. Our society never had to come to this, but they wanted to. They wanted to admit social defeat. “Can you tell me about some of your classmates, and other people in the grade?” Spoke the new boy. I respond, “The grade isn’t that special, lot’s of annoying kids who don’t do much of anything interesting. Let’s see, there’s Gus, a huge know it all, who to be honest, can’t take an insult. There’s… (I laugh) Rose Twinkleberry, who yeah, has the oddest last name in history. She’s in her own world, she does her own things. Basically, she draws a bunch of unicorns, which is expected from a person with the last name Twinkleberry.” I think about what I’ve just said, it isn’t nice. But, I need to show this guy that I’m in control, I’m the one who’s front and center. I don’t want to be disrespected. I continue my speech of negativity, “There’s this one kid who goes by the name, Messi. He does this because he loves soccer. Everyone started calling him this because he always has some kind of food on his face. Trust me, you do not want to sit with him on Taco Tuesdays. There’s a boy named Colin, he’s the big bully of the school, who supposedly has a mean twin. He doesn’t know that he’s so mean though. Oh, and his twin’s name, I forget actually but, the twin has some kind of scar on his leg that looks like a triangle. Weird isn’t it? Uhh.. Who else, there is this one boy named Nate, he’s absolutely crazy. Control freak about everything, doesn’t know when to start talking, talks extremely fast. To be honest, I think he has something messed up in his brain. He has no emotions and I absolutely loathe him. Avoid him at all costs.” “I thought Colin was nice,” says the new boy. I shake my head. I immediately feel a little bit guilty. I mean I’m corrupting this kid’s mind. I don’t want him to end up like me. I don’t even know him that well but I can tell he means well, even if he is a spoiled brat. I am the sun, everything revolves around me, but eventually I’ll explode with anger, and everyone around me will be damaged. Then I will become a black hole, and suck everyone up into negativity. I am a black hole in the making, and for some reason show pride in it. Sometimes I imagine myself as other people. I could be a blind man, struggling to get a job
because of my disability, I could be a homeless man struggling with money. I could be a man with cancer, struggling with a horrible disease. My life is a lot better than others, yet I still find reasons to complain. Ridiculous is one word that comes to mind. I think about the future a lot, what my life will be like. I could be a huge success or a huge failure. I think about everyone’s future, and people who are successes. Everyone who is a success struggles with something, that’s my philosophy. So if someone has nothing bad in their life they’re bound for failure since they don’t know how to go through something hard. I compare myself to my philosophy, I’m bound for failure. How will I go out though, the hero or the villain. The bus stops at the destination, a forest with the tallest trees. The trees are taller than the eye can see. The trees have the purest dark green color I’ve seen. It looks very natural compared to our sad society these days. Our existence is hanging on by a thread. The bus door opens and everyone stands up, and unbuckles their seatbelts. Everyone starts talking loudly. Our teacher speaks, “Settle down everyone, people in the front row will then get out first, then people in the next row back, and so on.” Everyone starts to move forward and walk down the cramped walkway of the bus. I wait till the people in front of me move, and then I follow. I walk down the walkway, and for a change say, “Thank you” to the bus driver. I slowly step down the steep, small steps of the bus and arrive on the flat, light green grass. Moments later everyone is out of the bus and standing on the grass. The teacher is about to give instructions. “I’ll be terse about this, so here is the plan for today.We will assign you partners, and then you will explore the forest. At 1:00 we will a meet up back here. Capeesh?” exclaims the teacher, in a voice that sound like a mixture between a drill sergeant and a unicorn. A drunicorn. The teacher assigns partners. Amos and Henry, Rose and Messi, etc… Everyone has a partner except me and Nate. “So I guess you and me are partners,” I say to Nate. I have to tell you this day ain’t looking good. I know I should try and be nicer, but Nate!! He is so hard to be with, he is just so annoying. I really can’t stand him, at all! All the partners start to go off and do their thing, which leaves just me and Nate. “To be honest Sam, I don’t want to partner up with you.” replied Nate, in the fastest way I’ve ever heard. I mean Nate always talks fast, but this was crazy. It was the fastest I’ve ever heard him talk. It was barely understandable, that’s how fast it was. I’m about to get mad, the rage is building up inside my body. What he said was very rude, and I didn’t like it. “You’re quite polite aren’t you,” I said sarcastically. “Why thank you,” Nate replied surprisingly. Who says that sort of thing? Was he also being sarcastic or did he not know? I don’t know, so I decided to say something sarcastically again to see what happens. “You’re very welcome,” I
responded. “Why thank you again,” Nate said. Something is very strange, Nate isn’t getting my sarcasm. I wonder why? Maybe it is because he is being smart, or maybe it is because he doesn’t understand it. Whatever is going on, something is odd. Nate starts walking straight without telling me, how odd. It seems very rude, to do such a thing. I knew Nate had issues, but I didn’t know this. Actually, what if Nate also has a challenge understanding human emotions, is the first thing that comes to mind. I should try and respect him for it, but it is also something I can use. I can say things sarcastically and he won’t be able to tell. Nate points straight at the tallest tree in the forest. “Let’s walk there,” he mumbles. I don’t know about what Nate is saying, over where? There is a clutter of other relatively tall trees. I’m not looking to get lost on the field trip. It just doesn’t seem like a smart move. We could compromise though, it would be a good thing to do. “How about I stay here and you go explore that tree for five minutes. When you’re done we’ll meet up back here.” I say. “I want to explore for 15 minutes,” He stubbornly replied. “10 minutes,” I say. “15,” he stubbornly says again. “Fine! 15 minutes, and you’ll meet me back here.” I say trying to compromise. Nate walks briskly to the tall tree, after 30 seconds I can’t see him. I start the timer on my watch, “15 minutes” I say to myself. I find a place to sit down so I can think. I notice a nearby grey flat rock, it looks like a comfortable place to sit. I slowly walk to the rock and take a seat. To my surprise, the rock isn’t actually that comfortable. It has bumpy areas in the middle that make it uncomfortable to sit on. But, I guess it will do just fine. Where did everyone else go? What might they be doing now? Who knows, they might just be sitting on a rock like me. The forest doesn’t attract much of my interest, for many reasons. First of all, this isn’t the first forrest I’ve been too, and I think everyone else can relate. Also, we’ve been here many times. I don’t understand why every year the school sends our grade to this forest. It’s like I can memorize where most everything is here. But, this year is the first that the school has let us explore the forest without teachers. Maybe the school just really likes this forest, or not. Maybe it is to teach us something, maybe all these trips were just building up to the final big bang. The exciting trip where a lot happens. I wonder why Nate wants to see the tall tree up close so bad, it’s slightly ridiculous since we’ve seen it every single year, and it is all the same. They need something cool to happen here, like a big event. I check my watch, its been 25 minutes, and Nate hasn’t shown up yet. Time really does fly by when you’re doing something. I start jogging to the tall tree to see if everything is alright. Nate seems like the kind of kid who would be on schedule all the time. Maybe something bad happened. I start running, no not running bolting to the tree. I arrive at the tree and don’t see Nate, something has happened, something is not right. “Nate
where are you?” I ask. I see a pathway on my right, maybe he went down there? If so I need to find out, I dart down the pathway as fast as possible. I come to a halt and see a side trail that leads to a place just past the tall trees. Maybe he went down there? I decide to trust my instincts and go there. I run as fast as possible down past the trees in that trail. Thump, Thump, Thump, my feet make loud noises, as I run down the narrow cluttered pathway. I’m running so fast that I can’t tell where I am or where I’m going. I just keep running no matter what. I run into an area with many trees, and decide to stop running for safety. I walk into the area, slowly looking around carefully. “Nate!” I shout into the open air. I stop for a moment and look around, I’m not sure exactly where I am, but I’ll figure out a way to get back. I wait for minutes to hear a response from Nate. “Nate!!” I say even louder this time. I’m about to give up hope of finding him. Maybe he met up with some other kids? Who knows? I decide to try one final time. As loud as possible like a lions roar I yell, “Nate, where are you!!!?” No response. I decide to head back. Where could he be? What might he be doing? I start thinking about where to go, I don’t really know where I am. I’m looking around the dark forrest when I hear the words… “Sam where are you!?” is shouted somewhere from the forest. I respond loudly “Nate!?” “Yeah!” shouts Nate. Now I can sort of tell where Nate is, he must be to the left of me, but far away. Since that’s where the noise is coming from. “Stay where you are!” I shout to Nate in my lion roar. I start running to where Nate is as fast as possible. I start to see him, I can see his body by squinting. I come closer to him, and finally end up right in front of him. Panting and taking heavy breaths, I stand in front of Nate “What were you thinking you idiot?” Nate responds “Well, well, well… I’ll ask what… what are you thinking?” “You are the most unbelievable person I’ve ever met! You, asking me what I was doing, when you were supposed to be back at the spot 20 minutes ago, ridiculous.” I yell. “Tell, te… you don’t under… you don’t understand anything at all! You’re the one being ridiculous. You see, so why are you hammering me with these du… dumb comments. Ok!” Nate says trying to be strong. “You know about...?” I shout. “About what?” Nate responds. “Nevermind,” I say. I didn’t think about what I was saying as the words came out. I keep reminding myself that I need to control my rage issues but it is so hard!!! I need to fight it, I need to fight it!!! Keep under control, deep breaths. “Let’s walk back,” I say. “Do you know the way, cause I’m lost?” Nate responds. The rage builds up inside me, I just have to let it loose. Wait, I can fight it, I can stay strong and
steady. Oh no, it’s gonna happen. “Where are we!?” I shout and ask at the same time.
One Year Earlier (Nate) “Oww!” I holler as I’m being punched so hard. I get punched again, “Ahh!” “Shut up Nate!” Sam says as he beats me behind the principal’s office. No one on the playground can see me as I take every punch in pain. I know this isn’t going to end pretty. “Why are you doing this?” I ask. Sam grabs my collar and pulls it to his face. I’m an inch away from his face. “I’ll tell you what’s happening, you need to stop asking questions. We’re annoyed by you.” Says Sam. “Why are you annoyed?” I ask. Sam responds “Stop asking questions.” He slams my head into the wall, and walks away. I start to cry, my head is bleeding so hard it hurts. I sit on the grass for a minute, to take everything in. I get up and walk into school, and into the principal’s office. I pass the narrow hallways with lockers and kids. The office is large and has computers all over, very organized. I arrive at the office and start panting hard. “Sir, Sam… Sam Berg he…” I say, but the principal interrupts. “Slow down… Just, just calm down.” Says the principal, almost trying to be annoying. “But, Sam punched me…” I respond. I’m interrupted again by the principal, “I’m sure Sam would never do that.” “You idiot…” I say, and I run to my class as fast as possible. This is going to be one wild day.
One year later (Sam) I walk up to Nate and grab his collar. Stuff is going down, and it won’t be pretty. I can’t calm down and I know it. Some people in this world are meant to be the bad guy, and I’m one of them. “You better tell me the way back, or you won’t be able to.” I say. “You solve all your problems with your fists… Do you know any other way? Let me ask you, I’ve always been curious what your brain is like. What’s happening up there? I mean all our brains work differently. I wonder how yours works. Why do you solve all your problems with your bare hands? I solve all my problems with my intellect?” Shouts Nate, who is clearly scared right now. “You’re about to find out!” I shout, and raise my fist at the same time. “Wa wa wait… just wait, there are other ways to figure out how your brain works besides punching me in the face.” Shouts Nate, who’s heart is probably pounding right now. I do wonder how my brain works? But, that’s not what I’m thinking about now. Right now, I’m thinking about which bone I should break in Nate’s body. My hand feels like a dragon’s heavy fire. But wait, a dragon should never breathe its fire on foes just like how I should never hurt Nate.
I let go of Nate, the biggest mistake I’ve ever made. Nate starts walking backwards without looking. Right behind him is a big pond, but he doesn’t see it. I’m not doing anything about it. Nate falls into the pond, thump. He looks like he is struggling to stay afloat. He wobbles his arms back and forth. He bobs his hand up and down repeatedly. I just stand there, staring at him. I’m not going to do anything about it. I’m not going to do anything about it!!!! I let him go and now, I’m not helping him. I feel bad about what I’m doing, but at the same time I just let it happen. I don’t have to do anything, it’s his fault that he ended up in the pond. I know what he’s thinking right now. I hate that kid. I’m just letting him hate me, because I don’t care. I walk away alone. I walk away slowly but cooly, enjoying the moment. It’s not my problem. My problem is
figuring out my way back. I look back at Nate, he’s struggling to grab onto a root. He’ll be fine, it’s not like he’ll drown or anything. I keep walking forward, not looking back, not looking back. I’m starting to feel guilty, about what I did. I should have helped! I should have helped!!!! I am such an idiot. I pick up a rock from the ground. I let the rough edges touch my warm hands. I notice a squirrel running up a tree. I take the rock and chuck it hard at the squirrel. “Ahhh!!!” I scream. The squirrel bolts past the rock and moves on. I should have helped. Someone walks up behind me, Nate. “What was that about Sam?” shouts Nate. “You fell in the pond, didn’t you.” I respond. “Yes, but you could have helped,” Nate quickly snaps. “I could have, did I have to though?” I counter. “Well, it would have been the right thing to do.” Nate says with his face red. “I’m not about doing the right thing though, am I? I’m about doing what I want.” I shout, knowing that this is going to lead into a big argument. “Most normal people are,” Nate responds. Maybe Nate doesn’t have autism, or something. Maybe he just acts like he does. “You don’t have autism, do you?” I say. “Not that I know of, why?” He asks. “Well you sure acted like you did,” I menacingly shout. “Do you know what to say in certain situations?” Nate says. “So you definitely don’t,” I respond. “So why do you act like you do?” I ask. “I thought it would give me some sympathy, you know.” Nate whispers. “Well you sir, are an idiot, and a genius.” I say (since it is true). “No, just a genius,” He says, starting to calm down. “So if you are a genius, then how do we get back?” I question. “Geniuses don’t know everything.” He answers. Am I ever going to figure out how to get back? That’s what I wonder. I guess Nate isn’t autistic, just annoying. “You better figure out, Nate!” I yell. “How about we split up and meet up back here.” Nate whispers. “Why are you whispering?” I ask. Nate shrugs. “We’ll try,” I say, while shaking Nate’s hand. Off to do our own things. Nate goes south, where to go? Where to go? I lay down on a leaf pile. Looking up at the sky. What a beauty, I think to myself. I look at the clouds, I can spot so many shapes. One cloud almost looks like a boy running. Another looks like a dinosaur stomping the ground with its feet. If you look closely it looks like the dinosaur is running after the boy, about to shatter his existence. I guess it isn’t a very pretty image to look at, but it is artsy. Coincidences help make everything more beautiful in my opinion. Sometimes I feel like I can look at the sky and see my destiny. There isn’t
such a thing as one’s destiny. No, your destiny changes every second, every minute, every hour drastically. I focus on the sky, this time zooming in with just my right eye. I see something quite interesting, next to the boy is another boy. This boy, is helping the other one move. I open my eyes, and see a clear picture. One boy is helping a limping boy escape from a dinosaur. Maybe my destiny right now isn’t to be a limping boy or a dinosaur, but to be the other boy, who helps. But, who knows maybe after saying that, I could be the limping boy or dinosaur? Who knows. I get up, and start walking North to meet up with Nate, I’ll just say that I got lost. I pass the tall green trees, and the pond where Nate fell. All these things are haunting me, like a bad memory. Well, actually they go hand and hand. I just keep walking forward thinking about life. I wonder what Nate is doing right now? Maybe he has found the original area, or maybe he is still lost. Suddenly, I hear a noise, it sounds familiar, Nate’s. I start running like I did when I was trying to find him. But, this time it sounds much closer. I run a few feet further and see Nate, in front of the new kid, and Colin. “Hey Nate, how’s it going?” says Colin in his snarky voice. “Yeah, how’s it going, Nate?” says the new boy. I notice that the new kid has a triangular scar, interesting. “Why are you doing this?” Nate asks. The new boy answers, “Me and my bro here, are not so fond of you!” The new boy is Colin’s brother, which is why he was called bro.“You are Colin’s brother.” I say to the new boy. “Yes,” he responds, “Allow me to introduce myself, Marcus.” “You’re lying,” Nate yells. “How would you know?” Marcus says. “Obvious reasons,” Nate says. “Can you shut up?” Colin yells. “No, I can not,” Nate says. I have to admit, for every reason I hate Nate, there are two reasons why he’s awesome. Marcus comes up to Nate, and punches him in the face. Nate’s jaw is gotta hurt now, he looks like he is in agony. Nate starts to cough up some blood. Marcus starts to yell. “Listen to my brother, okay!” Marcus shouts. I barge into the situation, this may not end up good for me. It could make me lose all my respect once and for all, but I’m going for it. “That’s enough!” I shout. “Enough of what?” asks Marcus. “Your idiocracy,” I reply, while my heart pounds. “Do you want to end up like Nate, coughing up blood?” asks Colin. “Well I won’t have to, will I? See, me and Nate (I look at Nate) our brains together are much stronger than both of your fists.” I say.
“I guess I’ll have to prove you wrong,” says Marcus. Marcus takes his fist and tries to punch me, hard. I duck and he ends up punching the air. I reply by grabbing his hand and twisting it, and asking him one simple question. “Tell me Marcus, and also you Colin. Do I need to twist your hands as hard as possible? The answer depends really, it depends on your cooperation. If you stop picking on me and Nate, then I won’t have to. But, if you continue there will be a lot more pain then there needs to be.” I say calmly while twisting his hand. “So Marcus what is your answer?” I ask. “Ok, I’ll stop” cries Marcus. “What about you Colin?” I ask. Colin then makes the same mistake as Marcus and tries to punch me, but this time he hits me in the head. I start to cough up blood like Nate, but I fight back. I twist his hand like I did to Marcus’s. “A poor mistake, so how about you, will you stop picking on Nate?” I ask and yell. “Okay,” he says. While this is happening Nate just stares at me silently. “Where is the meeting spot?” I question. “Several hundred yards back,” says Marcus. Me and Nate leave silently and walk South. I look straight ahead and not at Marcus or Colin. “Thank you,” whispers Nate. “No problem,” I whisper back. The moment Nate says thank you, I feel a warmth in my heart. I realize that I like the feeling of doing something good. “How you feeling?” I ask. “Fine, I’ve been punched harder then that.” he says. “By who,” I ask. “By you,” he replies. I think about how mean I’ve been to Nate. “Can I be forgiven?” I ask. There is a long pause, and then a break in the silence. “You can,” Nate replies.
The rest of the walk is silence, and then finally we arrive at the original spot. There we see the teacher counting the amount of students. Me and Nate walk up to the teacher, she sighs. “There you are, where were you?” the teacher asks. Nate and I both shrug at the same time. “Who cares, just get on the bus, we’re about to leave.” says the teacher. Nate and I walk up to the bus, and inside. We sit together. Now I understand why we go on these field trips each year, for redemption.