Real Relationships 7th Edition by uvoh onoriobe

Charles& Dr Uvoh Onoriobe Editor-in-Chief

Ndifon Donna - witnessing infallible proofs

STATEMENT OF

PURPOSE is about lives torn apart by lifeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s many experiences. It is our vision to provide an avenue (through the print and electronic media) where the hurting, the depressed, the frustrated and confused can find love acceptance, healing, hope, help

forgiveness

and

encouragement. It is our vision to help believers discover, develop,

Editorâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Letter

Content

80 Ways Of Making Love

Letters

Gospel Beats

Overcoming Distractions

Somebody Help

Lady to Lady

Standing for Marriage

Issues Of The Heart

Preacher's Kids

Sista Sista

What is Good About Sex ?

Path to Self- Actualisation

For Guys Only

Giving Up Old Grudges

Wayback

When Your Spouse Wants Out

Anatomy of Adultery

Charles & Donna

How to Grow a Friend

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Editor’s Letter

for their lives. Just as Pastor Sunday Adelaja did when he commenced his ministry in Ukraine. Today, his church is one of the fastest growing in Europe with white majority. This is no mean feat which am sure could not have been achieved without his obeying God and believing that HE CAN! The story of Pastor Adelaja goes a long way to show that there is nothing unattainable. So many mind boggling life transforming stories in this edition of Real Relationships. Taking up the magazine is sure going to be a delight.

Tinuke Alli-oke

Real

Relationships Rebuilding Our Generation

EDITOR -IN-CHIEF Dr Uvoh Onoriobe ( uvohdee@yahoo.com) EDITOR Atinuke Alli-Oke ( allioke@yahoo.com) SUB-EDITOR Eshe Asale (a_eshe@hotmail.com) MANAGING EDITOR Egerton Idehen (egertoni@yahoo.com) SERIES EDITOR Dr Okugbo Stanley EDITORIAL CONSULTANT Dr Omadeli Boyo SENIOR WRITER Dr Omokhoa Adeleye

used to feel terribly inferior to others and this feeling I must confess was exasperating because things I loved to do, I couldn’t because I felt inadequate. At the end of the day, I see some one else executing that same idea and making a success of it. People say illiteracy is a disease, but I say inferiority is worse than illiteracy! Ever since I realised that first I am ME, and there is no 2 of me, I began to look at myself differently realising that if I remain in this state of complex, I will not go far. Today I feel so good about myself. I feel like touching the sky! Do not get me wrong, am not in anyway patronising myself. What I am simply saying is that there's is nothing a good as knowing who you are and doing things that give you optimum satisfaction which eventually marks you out as different from others. This is what those two wonderful people, Essie and Rhema realised in their tender ages. Essie (now 17) had started participating in marathon with hundreds of people and Rhema can play a wide range of instruments. A feat that got a recommendation letter from President George Bush of the United States! And I stopped to ask myself, ‘what if they had stopped in their tracks and they said they could not do it, would not go on because they feel others are better than them?’ Then Essie would not have been a super star that she is today, so also Rhema. All I am saying is whatever you are planning to do, DO IT because YOU CAN!!! Our generation needs people who can think ahead, see what others can not see, and follow God’s ordained plans

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CORRESPONDENTS Dr Tochi Okeke,Dr Ayamma Umanah,Kome Omu,(England), Belief Emadamerho(Michigan). OPERATIONS MANAGER Chichi Nwanne ADMIN MANAGER Jafeh Ehabahe PUBLIC RELATIONS OFFICER Oby Nzenwa PRODUCTION MANAGER Igho Efekemo CIRCULATION MANAGER Sam Etaderhi MARKETING / ADVERT EXECUTIVE Charles Okwa PRODUCTION ASSISTANTS Peter Okofu, Uju Okwudarue, Emonena Onoriobe CIRCULATION Stanley Abiri (Atlanta), Omoefe Onoriobe, Osasco Nosa-Oviasu GRAPHICS AND DESIGN PUBLISHERS Plumbline Communications Company Ltd. 25 Marconi Road, Palmgrove Estate Lagos P.O Box 53037 Ikoyi, Lagos Tel: 08033915856, 08023274333 E-mail : realrelationships@hotmail.com LONDON OFFICE 17 Lindley House, Lindley Estate, London SE 15 2UN Tel +44 207 635 8142

Letters Dear Editor, We want to congratulate all of you for the wonderful magazine of yours. My spouse brought home a copy of it and it was wonderful. We did the portion 70 Things to Consider Before Saying I Do. As of now, we have decided to subscribe to the magazine and would like more details. We ask you all to put both of us in your prayers, as we are planning our traditional wedding soon, but money is the constraint at the moment. This is our prayer topic: let GOD open doors for us. -Mr & Mrs Chukwu Mgbeoji.

It goes ahead expose world events. -Chiohas.

I read your magazine, which I collected from a friend. It was very educational and inspiring and I couldn't put it down until I read every article in it. To say I love the magazine would be an understatement. It is different from the secular magazines and full of moral values. You people are just wonderful and I congratulate you for such marvelous work. Thanks and God bless you. -Ogwudu Jude, Enugu

Some time ago I read through your magazine. It was a source of inspiration and a blessing to me in making decisions pertaining to my life. How can I get to buy it? -Wemimo Adewusi

I read vol.1 no.4 of your magazine and I was impressed. Not only was it a medium for information and entertainment, it was also a manual for development and Christian growth. Keep up the good work and God will bless you people abundantly. -Onyinye Ojiugo, Onitsha.

I want to start by commending your magazine. It has really been a source of blessings to my friends who've read it and myself. Keep up the good work. I would like to start my subscription with you Magazine. Could you tell me if a valid form and the price details are available in Volume 1 No. 5. If it is I would like to know so I can start subscribing immediately. -Oji Oluchi, Lagos.

May I use this medium to congratulate you on your efforts in publishing the Real Relationships magazine. It is the best in town for now. I feel that it has positively affected those that have read it, especially students who didn't know the meaning of Real love. Keep it up and remain blessed. -Obinna .M. Anambra

I wish to know more about your magazine. I was lucky enough to read one edition sometime ago and i was really blessed by it. I want to be on your mailing list if possible. Could you mail it to this address for me? -Matthew Ajeka, Kogi. I came across your magazine recently and found it very educative with informative and interesting articles. For these reasons, I would like details of how I can buy the magazine. I cannot see it anywhere near my location in Asaba, Delta State. -Felicia Ojei, Asaba. I must confess that I have never been attracted to a book so rapidly like I've been to your magazine. It educates about our future and duties towards God. I've been greatly encouraged and inspired by this beautiful masterpiece.

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I got hold of your magazine through my room mate in school and I was mightily blessed after reading it. In fact not less than 20 people have borrowed it from me. I love what you guys are doing, keep it up and never relent in your efforts. God bless you all. -Anyachike Uchechi, Owerri. To God be the glory for giving me this great opportunity of writing you these few lines. I believe you are doing very well to the glory of God. I read an edition of your magazine and the articles, "planning your wedding" and "ways of loving your wife" especially captivated me. More power to your elbow and may God Almighty always see you through in Jesus Christ, Amen. -Hajara Alka Mikailu, Abuja.

I must commend you guys for the move you have brought into Christian publishing in this country. I came across your magazine recently and I was blessed to have read it. I have started introducing people to it and they all like it. The major problem is getting it easily here in Abuja. Hope you people do something about that. -Sylvanus Udama, Abuja. I learnt a lot by reading Real Relationships magazine. I was mightily blessed to say the least. I wish to thank all the members of your crew as I cherish every column. Special thanks to Chinyere Onwuachusi for the article on "Sister Sister" and for "Guys Only: The Needs of A Woman". May God strengthen the word in our heart in Jesus name. - Dennis John, Offa. I came across Vol. 1 no 5 of your magazine and I must confess that it was motivating and fantastic. It is my prayer that God will continue to help you grow. You are changing men and women for a better tomorrow. I would like to be a subscriber of your magazine, so please send me your form. Thank you and stay blessed. -Oshaniwa Toyin, Damaturu. I salute your courage and commitment to the course of making the society we live in a better place by addressing the problems of relationships and marriages in your magazine. I look forward to contributing to Real Relationships. -Deji Agbeniyi, Jos. I saw one of your editions and I was really excited that a magazine like this exists. I am engaged to a lovely and caring lady. We would both love to purchase this magazine. You have really blessed a lot of lives with your publication. - Babalola Bolaji, Ibadan. I read the fifth edition of your magazine that a friend brought all the way from Benin City. Many people also borrowed the magazine from me and their comments were encouraging. I am impressed and ask you to please keep it up. I pray that God should give you the strength to

Letters keep moving forward and growing. Amen. -Arowoyele Jocelyn, Bida. I read your issues on 'The Beauty of Marriage" and fell in love with it. I would like to subscribe to it so could you please send me all the necessary details. -Wale Adeogun I came across your magazine in my brother's house and when I read it I was excited. Although you don't know me, I feel that you have really blessed my life especially when I read the Beauty of Marriage and 70 Questions You Must Answer Before Saying I Do. Words are not enough to express my happiness for the good job you guys are doing. You are a blessing to this generation. I don't mind being a distributor here in school as many other students are also hungry to read it. I look forward to hearing from you guys soon for further information. -Chibuike Dike, Jos. We are subscribers of the Real Relationships magazine and the magazine has been of help to us and has assisted in bringing positive focus into our relationship. Our wedding is coming up this year in November by the grace of God, and we have some prayer requests. Please pray along with us. The prayers are: God should expose every counsel of the devil concerning our relationship and the purpose of God for lives. Scatter every divination concerning my partner {Ngozi}. Divine financial and material favour. Scatter every force from hell concerning our relationship, God's purpose for our lives and our wedding plans. Come against every spirit of fear in our life. -Sam/ Ngozi I'm a young guy who just came across your magazine and I was really blessed by it. I want to have a friend in you. I would like to talk to someone on a regular basis, and learn more on aspects of relationships. I hope to hear from you soon. -Oluwaseun Emmanuel Hosanna and greetings in Jesus name. I have blessed the name of the Lord for using you to be a blessing to the body

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of Christ. Please I'm interested in your magazine. How can I get hold of it? Remain blessed in Him and more grace for the work of the kingdom - Mfon Hi, you guys are doing a great job. How can I get to buy your highly inspirational and well-informed magazine. I have read only one edition and it has been a blessing to my friends and I. Keep up the good work. -Kunle Adelusi Dear Editor, I got to read your magazine through a friend and I must commend you, It was nice. However, I have never come across the magazine in stores. Where can I get to purchase it? - Kemi I'm one of the readers of your magazine Real Relationships. It has really touched me in a positive way and I'm sure it has the same effect with all the youths out there that read it. Because of the good work Real Relationships has done for me, I wish to request that my picture is used for the front cover page. It will be my pleasure if my request is granted. You can always contact me via email if there is any other necessary information you may require from me. Thanks and God bless. - Imoh Chiugo. Hi, Real Relationships is indeed a great benefit to thousands who have been fortunate enough to read it. I came in contact with the magazine in March at Jos during a music minister's retreat and was attracted to the title in vol.1 No.5. It has been a tremendous blessing to my friends also. I must say that God did not make a mistake in giving you this inspiration, to share with the present generation. You're of great help, as so many questions relating to life issues are dealt with in Real Relationships. I'll like to be a distributor in this part of the country and offer my assistance in helping bring this wonderful message here in Akwa Ibom State. To all those who have been privileged to read and are interested in subsequent volumes and also to those who haven't yet read it but desire to, I'll be disturbing it. I look

forward to receiving an immediate reply to this letter, so I'll know which steps I need to follow. God bless you. - Christy Idikauyo, Akwa Ibom. You are really doing a good job out there. The hearts of the privileged youth who read your Magazine and yourselves will forever be blessed. I just love you all and I'm praying also for you. I will forever tell the youth around me of the Lord's doing. I think your magazine is life transforming. It is a must for our youths. God bless you. -Phebean Ajayi, Uyo. I have read your magazine and I enjoyed the article about children's ministry. I encourage you to keep it up. It has really blessed my life and my ministry. Thank you. -Ubong Ekop, Uyo. Hi, I like your magazine. It's just great and the Real Relationship concept is just wonderful. It's amazing reading a Nigerian Christian magazine. What bothers me is that I've only seen two editions of it and I wonder why (especially in Abuja & Jos). You guys are doing a great job so please don't let it die! - Titi Ayegbusi Greetings in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ. I came across your magazine in a bookshop and I decided to buy one for myself. When I got through the magazine, I was very happy and satisfied with all that I had read. You are doing a wonderful job for this generation. I pray that God will add more knowledge to you people, so you will continue to change more lives. I want you to send to me the subscription form, and would like the past editions too. Could you please let me know how to go about this? -Caleb Nahap, Jos.

Overcoming

Distractions

By Dr. Uvoh Onoriobe FOR THE FIRST TIME, I HAD A YEARNING TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE- TO BE A PART OF SOMETHING BIGGER THAN MYSELF.

ome years ago, I took stock of my life and frankly speaking I was not sure where I was heading. There was a feeling of emptiness inside of me. I was not satisfied with my state then and the future seemed bleak. I was moving but the destination was not sure. I was lost like Adam. In an attempt to locate myself, I stumbled across ministry materials by Dr Myles Munroe. He posed five questions that took me weeks to answer. Who am I? Where am I from? Why am I here? What do I have? Where am I going? I realized that fulfillment arose from living out God's purpose for my life. I also realized that like many people, I had not discovered why God made me. Unconsciously, I had a personal vision statement - â&#x20AC;&#x153;I would just like to get

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through another dayâ&#x20AC;?. I had never asked what God wanted my life to be. I had never prayed that God would give me a burden or a calling, that He would use my life for a deeper purpose. I had a pinball approach to life. A pinball has no sense of direction. It is simply bounces around by the events and influences around it. For the first time, I had a yearning to make a differenceto be a part of something bigger than myself. To know that I can do something on this earth that would outlive me. I wanted to be able to say that there is a purpose to my existence. If you look at those who have been used by God to make a difference in this world, it shouldn't you take long to see that they have lived a life of purpose. When I carefully look at people who have built successful marriages, I realize that those couples have a specific vision of what could and should be in their relationship from God's perspective. They know that it's not enough

just to be married. That's not a good enough vision. They have developed a picture of what they want their marriage to look like. Thus my quest began. I sought God to reveal to me the reason He brought me into this world. I asked Him for a picture of what my life could be and should be. A picture of what the future should look like. I earnestly desired to rise above the daily grind. To live a life full of passion and purpose and in no time, I found a higher purpose to live for - a life of vision. It became real to me that I was born

bell is about to ring, and there is cereal all over the floor and my daughter can't find her running shoes for the 23rd time, that I am the type of husband that I should be? Reality is hard on vision. My overall life vision is very simple. It's down to 3 things. If I do those 3 things, I know I would have served my purpose and I would have had a life well lived. Every day, it is a struggle to stick to those three things. One of the greatest tragedies is to know what we should be doing from God's perspective, but we are not doing it, because

"OPPORTUNITIES CAN KILL A VISION" with a personality and a set of strengths and an allotment of time in which to accomplish my purpose. I could almost hear God say, “Go for it, serve your purpose, and make your life count”. I realized that my life was like a coin and I could spend it anyhow I liked but I could only do it once. My goal now is to get to the end of my life being able to say, “God I served my purpose. I lived out the reason for which you made me. I finished the race. I served Your purpose in my generation”. A few years into my newfound life, I discovered that there is a more dreadful tragedy than not being able to discover ones purpose / vision. It is not being able to finish the vision. I had discovered why God made me. I waited, prayed and planned while God moved the right people and circumstances into place and provided the resources to carry out the vision. I had communicated the vision and got other people on board. Soon, I realized that the daily grind is hard on vision. Life is so full of distractions and your vision can get lost among the many lights on the horizon of life. Subtly, I was getting distracted and again began to live for no higher purpose than to get through another day. I related my experience to a friend and sought his advice on how to get back on track. This was what he told me. “When I got married, I had a picture of what our relationship could and should be. I did not just want to get married; I knew that, there were a set of qualities that I wanted to see in my marriage - qualities like, honesty, kindness, intimacy and respect. Eleven years into my marriage, how many people think that there have been times that, I have lost that vision due to the daily grind of life? My wife please put down your hand! You see I know what my marriage could be and should be, but life is hard on vision. There are bills, and in-laws and work and all sorts of other obligations. Each of these if not put in their right position could threaten our visions. Seven years ago, a doctor turned to me and placed a little baby in my arms. I had held babies before, but for the first time, I was a parent, and that child was mine. I had a God given picture of what type of parent, I should be. How many think that seven years into that vision, when the school

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life is getting in the way. We are struggling because there are so many distractions. Life is now. Bills are now. Crises are now. Vision is later. It is easy to begin living moment by moment, and to sacrifice what's really important for what's urgent, sacrificing what's best for what's good enough. Distractions can slow-kill a vision. We know exactly what God wants in our marriages, our houses, our relationships, our finances, our ministry, but we get so busy living, and that what could be, is then lost. What is it that you hope for? Love of friends and family, good relationships, a sense of peace and contentment, providing help for others, laughing, and enjoying our bodies, dancing or sporting activities. How does it feel when you know that God is near you? What is it that keeps us from these things? Property is a famous distraction. So is the need to feel powerful and to be admired. Obsession and addiction are good ones. Holding grudges, murmuring, regrets are other fine examples. Three Major Distractions 1. Opportunities Every day we face unimaginable opportunities - more opportunities than have ever been available in the history of humanity. We have more entertainment, travel, business, career, and investment opportunities than in any previous era. But the opportunities can easily become a problem. Opportunities can kill a vision. We can sacrifice God's vision for any number of opportunities that come our way. I have found that the most dangerous distractions for me are the opportunities that pull me away from God's best. There are tons of opportunities that come up that are really good: planning meetings, speaking engagements, community functions and conferences. I could be out every night of every week taking advantage of “good” opportunities. I have come to realize that it's possible to be busier than I already am, even doing good things whilst accomplishing fewer things I know that God really wants me to do. The good can be the enemy of the best.

This is a constant struggle for me. Every week it's a fight to pull back all of my opportunities and to focus on what's really important. In fact, a few months ago I was wrestling this very issue when a magazine landed on my desk and said these words: Take a look at the future when you write your company's (your family's, your children's) history two years from now, which decisions would have really mattered? What were the key comments that led to create such a success? Write them down. Post them on the wall. And work on them! That's what you should spend your time on. Getting those decisions right is far more important than answering your emails or hacking that last piece of code. Situation report. At reader's digest in the 1950s Lila Wallace used to walk from office to office saying, “It's a beautiful day. Turn off the lights and go home.” And it was 4 -p.m.! Maybe if you left the office once a week at 4:00p.m, the decision you'll make the next day would be a lot better. Go home have dinner with your family. You'll be glad you did. My recommendation: If your current job environment is one where the only way to avoid getting fired is to work all the time, then hey, get fired. The unemployment rate is still only 4%, and if you're smart enough to be reading this magazine, well, there are plenty of jobs out there that reward you for being smart-not for digging the most coal. What are the two or three things that are really important to carrying out God's vision for your life - in your marriage, your finance and your ministry? God has called you to do these two or three things. When other opportunities come up, ignore them. Don't allow yourself to get distracted by events, organizations, hobbies, and activities that do nothing to further the vision that God gave you. Don't let your job take you away from that. Don't get distracted by the opportunities. Focus on what matters most. Every day of our lives opportunities have a way of coming up that have the potential to distract us from the main things that God has called us to do. Many of these distractions aren't even bad things. But we can be out six nights a week taking advantage of good opportunities. At the same time, we could be making less and less progress toward the purpose God has for our lives. To build a life

of purpose, we have to learn how to say no to some good things. When you begin to live a life of purpose, you need to live with Nehemiah's words etched on your mind: “ I am doing a great work and cannot come down. 2. Criticisms Nothing attracts critics like vision. If you're passionate about what could and should be, eventually somebody will question your motives or your enthusiasm. Somebody will misunderstand your intent. Don't be distracted by them. Don't let the critics take you away from God's vision. Pour out your heart to your father and then get back to work. There will come a day, when the vision becomes a reality, that even your enemies will have a hard time explaining away what has happened through you. So don't let criticism distract you. Take it to God, and let Him partner with you to what could be and should be. 3. Fear Every vision contains an element of fear. It's easy to doubt ourselves, our abilities, our safety, and focus on the risks we are taking. There are often people who will point out the risks we are taking, and why they're not reasonable. But there's a phrase in the Bible that's repeated over and over again to people who lived lives of vision. It goes like this: “Do not be afraid” Joshua 1:9 says, “I command you - Be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go. 2 Timothy 2:7 says, “For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline” Don't get distracted. Don't let opportunities or criticism or fear derail your pursuit of God's vision - keep your eyes focused on the finish line. Here are some questions for you: What is keeping you from living that life of vision? What opportunities, and which criticisms? What fears are keeping you from seeing God's vision come true in your life? If you're somebody who has all kinds of opportunities that keep you from seeing God's vision come true in your life, then you need to take some specific steps. Maybe you need to go home one night and go into your kids' bedroom when they're asleep maybe you need to grasp their tiny little hands and silently pray, “Father, I am doing a great work and I cannot come down”. RR

PAUSE&PONDER "STAY OUT OF THE RUT OF IMITATION. BE WHAT GOD HAS CALLED YOU TO BE." - Oral Roberts

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Dear Auntie Julie, I got married 4months ago. Recent events in our home have really caught me unawares. It is as though I do not have rights over my money. My husband believes we should have a joint account and he decides how we spend. I feel cheated and I'm not finding it funny at all. Please advice me. My dear, you must start by relieving yourself of the feeling of being cheated. Everything is yours, your home, your husband and you. Now that you are married, your husband's money is yours and your money is your husband's. There is no longer a monopoly of possessions no matter how numerous they are, no, not in kind or cash. You are now one! You must understand this basic fact and indeed it is a statement that is true for all times, for so God ordained it from the beginning. Except you disagree with this {and I see no reason why you should}, then you can think otherwise. The pains and feelings of being cheated certainly grow worse when you see yourselves as separate individuals and not as one. One may ask then whether money ought to bring you to that point. Having a joint account, I think, is a neat idea, but both of you should obviously have a word in the matter because it is for both of you. You need to sit together and plan what goes for what. It will take the two of you working together as one to make the best of the account, so your husband ought to allow you into it. You should both be thinking of it as 'our' money and not 'mine' or 'yours. What you do with it should be for the good of your home. Money is a very good servant. On the other hand, it can be the worst of all masters. You determine by your manner and attitude, which of the two you want it to be, servant or master, I bet you'd choose the former. The issue of finance has wrecked many homes, please don't add yours, young as it is, to the list. Be wise now. The earlier you begin to make money your servant and not master the better for both of you. Discuss peaceably with your husband and both observe your ways objectively under God. Come to think of it, He, God is your source. Begin to seek the good of one another like the Bible recommends and remember your first love. Don't ever let money destroy that legacy. Be eager to see to it that your husband gets the best and let him do the same for you, and you'd be surprised at the way things will turn around. Now that you are two, you ought to have a good reward for your labour.Eccl.4vs9. As you seek the good of one another, you will make a decision to make your home a haven of rest. I wish you a blissful marriage. I have always dreamt of a wonderful sex life. To my dismay, lovemaking has been a necessary ordeal I have to go through. I do not enjoy it at all. I have heard the word orgasm but I've never experienced it. This is causing a strain in my marriage. Help me out!

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Josie dear, your dream will surely come to pass one day I must assure you. God created sex to be enjoyed by husband and wife and you will not be left out. Let me start by letting you know that you are not the first to experience what you are going through now and I am sure you won't be the last. You must never give up. I will advice that you and your husband go for counselling. There are a thousand and one Christian counsellors who have helped young and even old couples out of such predicaments. I salute your courage to ask this question, as many others would rather suffer in silence. It is because of your willingness that God is sure to make a way out for you. The issue of sex is not one we are able to exhaust in this publication, I'm sure you'd agree with me. Feel free to discuss with your husband, as you are his surest guide to getting the best out of the act. He might never know how you truly feel unless you tell him. You must be sincere about your feelings and let him also feel the impulse of your heart. Don't give up until both of you have a testimony of enjoying the free gift of God. I wish you both a joyful discovery of your innermost being. God is surely on your side. I have been engaged for about a year now. A few weeks ago, my fiancée confessed to indulging in a sexual affair with another. I am so distraught and feel bitter especially towards the man involved. I have forgiven her but my heart is still hurting. The weight of this is killing and drying me up spiritually. Auntie Julie, what should I do? I must agree with you that this is a heart-rending situation and it is quite painful too but even beyond that, I see a situation we must address as quickly as we can. If God has enabled you to find a place in your heart to forgive your fiancée, then you must trust Him and find the same grace to forgive the man involved considering the fact that he did not force your fiancée. They both consented to it and your fiancée knew fully well that she was engaged to you. As soon as you can forgive the man, I am sure your dryness of spirit will be over, I strongly advise that you do, or else you will be the worst hit. I trust God to help you do this and He sure will. The real problem that I see carefully hidden under this issue, is your fiancée 's commitment to you. I am a little bit uncomfortable with the fact that despite her being engaged to you, she could go to the extent of sleeping with another man. Her commitment to you is questionable. I wonder if she truly loves you. Yes, she confessed her fault, but maybe this was so you could wake up to see some things you have overlooked, thinking they never mattered. You need to sit her down and have a heart to heart discussion. Be sure to know where you stand as far as she is concerned or else how do you hope to make a future home that is totally dependent on your trust level for one

another? Take my advice and do a sincere evaluation of your relationship before you continue. I am glad to know you have forgiven her, that's really good and God will surely bless you for it; but how committed is she to you? Once you are able to lay hold on solid facts about this, I am sure you will climb greater heights and be able to face the future with confidence. I wish you the very best. I must confess am ashamed of what I have done. My wife and I work in 2 different states and I get to go home fortnightly. While at my station, an affair developed between a lady friend and me. I can't seem to stop seeing her. I love my wife and don't want to destroy my marriage. Please help. You are treading on very dangerous grounds Mister. You have coals of fire in your bosom and you are just about to be burnt to ashes beyond recognition. Now there are only two options for you, throw away the coals of fire and save your soul, home and entire person, or keep the coals on your bosom and 'enjoy' the pleasure of sin, only for a season. You alone can choose. No one can do it for you. I wonder if you are truly ashamed of what you have done. If you were, you would be remorseful, go home, confess to your wife asking for her forgiveness, and give your lady friend, and I dare say enemy, a quit notice! Yes, I do need to be a little bit hard on you, you know. There are times when the only way you can send a signal is by giving a very painful jerky shake, I think that's what you need now. Wake up dear, wake up, the enemy wants to destroy your home. You must not allow him. Read Proverbs 5 slowly to yourself and let your heart find direction in God's word. He is able to deliver all those who trust in Him. Flee now my brother from this woman, and you will be glad you did. I am attracted to this brother in my place of work. I know he is engaged, but I can't help my feelings for him. What do I do? You should and I dare say can help your feelings. Lets be frank here, those feelings may as well be mere infatuation, because you did not mention if at anytime the brother in question has ever reciprocated in anyway. He may be having a very nice time with his fiancĂŠe and perhaps soon to get married and there you are, daydreaming about only God knows what. There is something you must know about feelings; they are so inconsistent and very unreliable. You need God's Holy Spirit to help you curb them, and I think that's just what you should do now, don't allow those feelings of yours rule you, put them under control and tap yourself awake from your slumber. Funny enough, those feelings might have deprived you the unique opportunity of seeing 'brother wonderful', who is just waiting around the corner for the finest hour to gain your attention. Give yourself a break and see if you can cut down on close personal contact with your work colleague. Pray more and trust God for your own man. I am not sure you'd like for any sister to have such feelings towards your fiancĂŠ would you? I doubt it. As much as I commend your frankness in opening up to me, I am convinced that you are too smart to play second fiddle. The gift of love is given to us all by God to enjoy and your portion is surely waiting for you. There is no need to take someone else's. God will make a way for you and when He does, it will be so clear, you'll be glad you curbed those feelings you once had. So, let your mind be at rest, and watch out for 'brother wonderful'. Somehow I feel

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it won't be long. Stay blessed. I have been married for about 9years now. I feel my husband does not love me enough to make sacrifices for the good of our family. I am beginning to feel that he might be having an affair. This worries me greatly. What makes you feel that way? You should have cited some good examples of what he did that prompted those thoughts in your heart. Nine years is a long time and whatever brought you to the point of thinking he is having an affair must be a serious matter. I think you should discuss with your husband rather than continue with such thoughts that might be wrong. The feelings you hold inside may eventually surface if your attitude changes. The way in which you begin to do things at home might eventually cause a rift and distance between the two of you and before you know it, you may never be able to trust your husband again, at which point your marriage would have almost collapsed. I pray it doesn't get to that. You can save the situation, ask God for help, softly and tenderly seek an audience with your husband and tell him your fears. Let him know he can trust you, show to a very large extent how much you are willing to go on this journey of life with him for the good of your home and I know for sure that you will get positive results. It is easy for you to think your husband does not love you enough, especially if he refuses to do things you want him to do at a particular time. You can seek to find out why rather than just drawing your own conclusions. Feel free to tell him how you feel and why you may consider his decisions as being inconsiderate. I hope you find help in this advice. Remember, as always, God is just a prayer away, always for you, twenty-four: seven. I wish you the best. I am about to propose marriage to a lady I love so much. Many things are not in place such as my apartment and finances for the wedding etc. I am wondering whether to put everything in place before venturing into this. What do you think? I think you should go ahead and propose to her before she gets carried away by someone else who perhaps might not even be as ready as you, but may be smarter. Once you are sure of your love for her and you know she loves you too, make your intentions known. Rome they say was not built in a day, you have to start from somewhere. Your proposal doesn't mean you are getting married the next day, week or month, it just kind of seals your willingness to have her spend the rest of her life with you. Afterwards you can start making plans. She will be most delighted to be a part of the decision to choose the apartment where you two will spend the first few years of your lives together. You can work hand in hand to build up your finances and be better equipped for your future home. Two good heads are better than one, so, go ahead my dear, at least you do not sound to me like someone who is still in secondary school or college. You sure are mature enough. I pray God's favour align your paths, Amen. I have been married for 5years now and have 3 kids. Most times I feel I have made a mistake as my spouse and I do not get along at all. She is so bossy and does not respect me. I am really fed up and I'm contemplating moving out. The fate of my children is what is keeping us together.

Moving out to where? He who fights and runs away, lives to fight another day! If being bossy and disrespectful is the only problem you have with your wife, then take a bow, you need not quit. Quitters don't win and winners don't quit. You are the head of the home. Your wife cannot possibly contest that. I might be able to imagine what may be the cause of her actions. Could she possibly be more financially stable than you are? If so, because you are now one, that should not be a pole to lean on as whatever belongs to her is yours too. What about her family background? Perhaps she was born with a 'silver spoon in her mouth'? No stress, she is not the first and won't be the last, she now simply bears your name and lives under your roof; or could it be that you yourself have some sort of problem with your self esteem? So that whatever she does kind of rubs off on you and you begin to read meanings into them even if she is not being that serious? Think about these questions, answer them sincerely and see whether you can get clues to why your wife's behaviour has been this appalling. I would encourage you rather than thinking of moving out, to pray, and trust God for positive results. I am glad you thought about the children. Try taking your wife out one evening just so you can be by yourselves. It could turn out to be the giant step you need in achieving your life's dearest dream of a happy home. You must be determined to prove your worth in the home as the priest, father and indeed the breadwinner. Challenges are meant to be surmounted no matter how huge they are, God is able to make you overcome in Jesus Name, Amen. I can't stand my husband's bad eating habits. I feel very embarrassed when we go out. I find any and every good excuse to avoid going out with him. I still love him. What can I do? You can help him. He is your husband, the only man in the whole wide world you have the singular and wonderful privilege of calling your own, you belong to him and he belongs to you. Whatever bad habit you think he has can bow if you lovingly take time to see how you can help him alter this. For instance, I wouldn't know exactly what you call bad eating habits, there are different strokes for different folks but if any of the things you value as yours were to get damaged, you'd look for ways to repair them wouldn't you? Sure you would. You can show your husband how to do those things right that you think he is doing wrong and that embarrasses you in public. That's why you are his wife. It is not enough to get embarrassed, look for a way out and in this case there are many. You could even look up fine articles on table manners in good magazines like Real Relationships. Read them together with him, laugh about them, joke about them and with tender loving care, you'll see your husband's habit changing for the better. As determined as you sound in looking for excuses to avoid going out with him, diverting that determination to looking for ways to help him will triple your results towards a positive direction, I know you can do it because God is on your side and guess what? Your husband will never forget your act of love, he'd love you forever and you sure will discover it was worth the trouble. Check out Proverbs 31 vs 11-12. My husband spends more money on his family members and rarely remembers that I have a family. Most times I have to hide to send things to my folks.

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This is really weighing me down as he still does it after all my complaints. Don't get weighed down, just remember that you must be wise to see to it that you do not get too emotional over the issue but look rather objectively and trust God more for provision for your family. The sharing can go round evenly and not affect your nuclear family. I will advise that both of you should come to an agreement on how much should go to where, depending on what amount you have to spare for the time specified. Consider most urgent needs and meet those ones first not minding which side of the family the need is coming from. Being husband and wife has brought your family and your husband's family together. It is healthier for both of you to consider the extended family as one instead of drawing lines between them, in that way you will be able to work together giving help where the need arises. As long as you are still seeing your husband's family as different from yours, you will continue to feel weighed down. Hiding to send things to your folks {and by the way, that is a dangerous trend}, will make your husband look like a bad man before your people. When you eventually settle the matter, you will not be able to erase whatever ill feelings they would have developed towards him. I'll tell you something, family needs will always be there for you to tackle but you sure will need God's wisdom. His people are your people, your people are his too, work together as one and save your home from heartaches. I would also suggest that the two of you set standards to let both families know that you are one. If you keep opposing what he does for his family, they may label you as a bad wife too. You sure do need to be careful. I pray the lord will help you in being regardful in all that you do. God bless you. When we got married my husband was very zealous in leading devotion at our family altar. Years down the road he seems to have left that responsibility to me. What do I do to encourage him to play his leadership role in the home? Thank God for your family altar, it is commendable; you sure have a solid foundation I must say. You sounded worried, as though you have this feeling that your husband is backsliding. There is no cause for alarm. You could start by praying for him, then seek an audience with him over the matter. It could be that his responsibilities outside the home, e.g. office, are affecting him. Because you would have started praying for your husband before you confide with him, God will give you the words to say so that he can open up to you to let you know what the problem really is, then together you can prayerfully overcome it. Let him know how important the family is to God and how that his being able to occupy his place as the priest of the home is of paramount importance. Every other thing surely comes after that. I pray that the lord by Himself will rekindle your husband's zeal, restore joy and fervency into your family devotion and fill you up. God has promised us, blessed are those who hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they shall be filled. As you hunger after Him, He will fill you to overflowing. Remember, you are his helpmate; you can sharpen his countenance as a friend. God bless you. Send yours Questions to Issues of The Heart, P.O. Box 53037 Ikoyi, Lagos OR fjakhimien@hotmail.com RR

Sista

By Chinyere Ibori

ften in life, we are frustrated because we sense a healing but we see disease around us. We hear the sound of plenty but we are barely making ends meet. We sense a change but things are stagnant. Subsequently, we tire of dreaming dreams that never come to pass. We desire a change in our lives. Saint Paul says, “The things which I ought not to do I find myself doing.” We live a life that is worthy of emulation on the outside but when it comes to hidden things we are a picture of a white washed sepulcher that our Lord Jesus spoke about. Prim and proper on the outside, rotten on the inside.It's easy to fall short of God's expectations in our relationships. That hug and kiss that went too far. The heartbeat of the unborn stopped by our own hands, the slide into co-habitation. So many are yet to be mentioned. Even I have fallen short. The truth is nobody ever discusses these shortcomings. All except the accuser of the brethren:

again. If possible, find a good Holy Spirit controlled Pastor, tell him these dark sides and have him pray for you like the bible commands. Delay can be fatal in this case. No man knows the hour in which our Lord shall come. Shun those excuses and keep walking till you find solace and redemption at the foot of the cross. Sister, you may have seen yourself fall below your own principles, much less God's own but keep walking: Been faced with situations within which going back is a pain and moving forward is a shame but keep walking. Have you ever preached a word and when the chips were down you swallowed the words and did otherwise? Keep walking. God never promised that we would be an army without wounds neither did he die for a bunch of perfect people. Some times we watch our wounds fester and get eaten by the flies in the church. The ones who know it all and have a

IT'S EASY TO FALL SHORT OF GOD'S EXPECTATIONS IN OUR RELATIONSHIPS. THAT HUG AND KISS THAT WENT TOO FAR. THE HEARTBEAT OF THE UNBORN STOPPED BY OUR OWN HANDS, THE SLIDE INTO CO-HABITATION Before our redeemer. I once heard a sister say, “the moment I get married I'll confess all my sins once and for all” Fine God will still forgive but remember the Bible says “Be not deceived for God is not mocked. Whatsoever a “woman” sows, that she will reap”. Even if we only get away with the load of guilt, we must one way or the other be affected by these things. Our testimony will never wholesome. God is a benevolent God. He gave His life for us. He can set us back on course especially if we first believed. The bible says, “Confess your sins one to another that you may be healed” (James 5:16) Let also she that names the name of the Lord depart from iniquity Therefore if anyone cleanses himself he will be a vessel unto honour meet for the master's use. (2Tim 2:19-21)My sister you can be forgiven only believe God's word and purify yourself 11

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clear picture of what you ought to have done. The one's whose sins have not been exposed. Or maybe they know the theory but have been faced with a situation like yours. Church folks, the ones best equipped to heal and the ones who destroy and land the biggest blows. It hurts. You are almost tempted to quit but keep walking. Hey sister do you recognize yourself as fly looking for someone else's” shortcoming to breed upon? Wipe your mouth, keep walking. Remember the bible says we should be our sister's keeper. My message is simple. God still loves you no matter what. Come to him as you are. Let him take your name off the devil's accusation list. He can completely put your past behind Him if you allow Him and blot it out completely. Don't let your mind tell you otherwise. God is still a God of new beginnings. RR

Path to

Story

SELF ACTUALIZATION By: Emonena Onoriobe

ife is a journey. In my life's journey, I realized that life is the complicated allegiance of glitz and glamour, which could be gruesome or grisly. Although I was raised in a fairly good family of four girls and two boys, my growing up was shrouded by hedonism. My father named me Charming because he felt that there was no better name to qualify my beauty. But I would rather be called Shame; yes Shame! Life has really been unfair to me. I may not be the only one who has clambered in this forest of thorns but I blame not just myself but also the forces at work in nature. My parent's were wonderful and I miss them. They gave their best but I never paid attention. At least, I paid attention to my grandfather's advice. He would say by quoting Brutus in Julius Caesar "there is a tide, in the affairs of men, which when taken at the flood leads onto fortune. Omitted all the voyages of their lives, all is bound in shadows and in mystery". I fell in love with William Shakespeare. Grand pa even went out of his way to get me the complete works of Shakespeare. I can still see it in my mind's eye; though looking rather unkempt; its content was and is still eternal. Despite the nurturing I received p a t e r n a l l y a n d maternally, my life's journey was nothing but a nightmare of dripping horror. I was egotistically driven by my bodily cravings for that which was temporary. If life were to be measured as it were by the swiftness of minds or the toiling of muscles, few would be fairly comfortable in this world. The choking reality I faced took me back to question the forces working for and against me. I felt strongly that life was and is still a garden under the tempestuous outburst of nature; yet it is the innate human ingenuity of pruning and nurturing that the garden becomes the envy and admiration of passers-by. The fiery inevitability of pain in my life's journey caused me sometimes to wonder, why continue, with a myriad of hope locked in the recesses of time. I never understood the interplay between the mind and the body until I became the victim of my own curiosity.

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I could remember the wild moment, which seemed to be borne out of the intense necessity of the violent flush of hormones. It was a mad necessity, which was uncontrollably lured by the fusion of both an authentic and bogus emotional outburst, submerged in the aura of an inexplicable ecstasy. The complexity of this violent surge culminated in the longing to gratify the desire of the moment, which was obviously illicit and expressly uncanny. It is bedeviling to grasp the electrifying moment of sight and sound, of mind and body. An excited indifference encompassed our motion and me care free, pitched, to a crescendo of unstoppable egocentrism; hoping it would be for eternity. The duality of life became crisp clear at the moment of a melting euphoria and the disbelief that the avalanche of re-accountable occurrence lasts when it stops. I became aware that the concomitant attraction of two outlawry sex parties is nothing more than a twisted mental contortion. But this perverted frenzy was celebrated within the unceremonious tutelage of my thoughtless reflection on the volcanic reaction of my body chemistry. As years passed by, I became stricken with an acute loneliness. I needed someone to love me but I was constantly rumbling and tumbling in the conflict between my heart and my mind. I paced between the intrinsic forces of YES and NO which later gave in to an intuitive flash of unspoken consent dressed in security, commitment and multiplication; fabricated by the abstract element of love which was courageously self-sacrificing. This was short lived. It turned out to be a nightmare of disgrace and insatiable insecurity. All I wanted was for me to be the object of his bodily gratification. The love I found was a one sided love of a pitiable ending, filled with heartbreak and disaffection. It is hardly believable that I actually heard him say 'honey I love you', I will do anything for you'â&#x20AC;Ś For all I thought, true love was to be deemed most beautiful, tender, caring and satiating: It goes about and dwells in the softest of places, in hearts and souls whose embrace are genuine. But this could be scared for eternity. I did find love after years of shattering trust and misfortune, which left me, painfully dry and empty. I could remember those grey eyes, which were so intense and quick as mercury. He was graceful and always with attentive charm. All has become a fading reflection of the past. For certainty he was at fault, but in a moment's thought, I was struck by an inner voice which made me realize I was to blame and not him. A tasteless sensation engulfed my appetite. I needed to change my character and attitude, but I am not willing to make that compromise. NO! I was never wrong. He practically misunderstood the tones of my voice; more so that's the way I talk. He is smarter than I am but I must prove to him that IAM-THE-BABE. I felt sex was all that would make him happy. The idea of sitting over a cup of tea with tartlets from

THE VANISHING SENSATION AWAKENED ME TO DECIDE FOR MY GOOD, TO BEGIN A WALK, THOUGH SLOWLY IT PROGRESSIVELY LED ME TOWARDS ETERNAL FREEDOM AND LIFE INSURANCE. Tantalizers and chat for over an hour was most unimaginable to me. I would prefer to go out to be with friends to show them my man. For all I considered, I was more experienced in the 'game'. I have had one before. It never mattered that I was secretive with him while being open to others-it's all part of the game. How dare he ask me certain type of questions? Inquisitiveness kills relationships.I usually cautioned him with vehemence to never discuss our relationship with anybody. The brimming and seething cup of disaffection overflowed in his heart for he could not cope with my sordid attitude. I lost the magic of my care-coated tongue and the can of worms was let lose. Was it totally my fault? My life continued to change. I was lost in transit. As I rippled within the confines of time, the curiosity of my mind after all that is knowable brought about the brute obsession to satisfy my eyes and mind with that which was mutable and immoral.

I could not comprehend, let alone apprehend, the drift of my soul into a damnation of death and Hades. It baffled me how the rusty and rancid nature of immorality had eaten deep into my heart and soul; making me a slave to myself, which constituted a rape of nature's intent. I got involved solely as a leeway to survival; yet no justification can be reasonable enough to explain and vindicate myself from the demonic obsession between two and multiple sex parties. This danger can literally be estimated by the carefree incursion that led to the septic overthrow of my immunity and confidence. God had mercy. The drive was despicable and possessively uncontrollable. In phallic abandonment, I surfed in the ocean of death. I didn't care of what might become of me in the ensuing incursion. I wallowed in lust and outrageous incursion and offensive frenzy. The vanishing sensation awakened me to decide for my good, to begin a walk, though slowly it progressively led me towards eternal freedom and life insurance.

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Lady 2 Lady G

rowing up in the Caribbean as a young woman in this day and age was anything but easy. I eventually gave into Peer pressure and found myself a boyfriend. To make a long story short we broke up and I found another. This time I thought to myself, this is it. I have found the one and I am not budging. Little did I know what was in store for me. About 2 years later we broke up and I was devastated. At the time and to this date I still feel the loss, but it was my guide to God. I got down on my knees and I prayed to the Lord to send back this man that I loved so much...but the Lord knows best and He didn't. There began my walk with God. He took me into the valleys and helped me up the mountains and plains. I began to realize that even if I had deserted Him He was still a part of my life and was just waiting for me to invite Him in. So I did and since then my life has not been the same. My motto has become "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not to your own understanding in all your ways acknowledge him and he shall direct your path." As a 22 year old woman facing the world, it is safe to

else is in turmoil He is your anchor and though everything is against you, He gives you serenity. It is a feeling that is hard to explain, I am amazed at how vibrant and energetic I feel every morning after I have poured out my heart and surrendered my life...I find myself sitting at my desk smiling, and I stop and pray. I thank Him for every minute that He gives me, for my trials which have made me so strong, that I know I can move mountains. I come to Him as a humble child and He raises me to my feet no matter what the burden I am carrying. There is so much I could tell a young woman, on how the Lord has strengthened me. However I will say this "A peaceful heart is the product of right living." I would not give up this walk that I am having with the Lord for any amount of earthly love and I know that when I do find a husband to be my own, he will be chosen by God, and as such he will make me happy, because he was chosen by my master. Try it, you won`t regret and will never go back to your wondering ways. Don`t worry, we are all his children and as long

"A PEACEFUL HEART IS THE PRODUCT OF RIGHT LIVING." say that I am not scared. I have come to realize that with God at my side, nothing can defeat me, not even the devil and his noisome pestilence. Whenever I feel overwhelmed I simply call on His name and immediately I feel His presence. He does not always answer in the time or manner that we want him to, but when he does, he goes all the way. Remember the Lord never gives us more than we can bear and people can take everything from you but your pride and belief in the Lord and the majestic work He can do. Give your life to Him, you won`t regret and if you believe that at such a young age you would have to give up too many things to have him, then you are wrong. For you see, what you give up is nothing compared to what you will gain. There is a peace that comes from knowing the Lord, a gentle spirit that no man or thing on earth can give. Even at times when all

as you come with a sincere heart, He will bless and guide you. Men come a dime a dozen, but none will be as everlasting as the Lord. He will not pass away. They come in all shapes and forms and without a spirit of discernment, you will be fooled every time, if it is one thing I understand, it is that when a man is ready to settle down he wants a woman who is pure one who will stand by him, one with faith in the Lord. Repeat this verse "All to Jesus I surrender, all to him I truly give. I will ever Love and trust him, in his presence daily live. I surrender, I surrender all. All to him my blessed Saviour, I surrender all" I look back in the valley and I know that if ever there comes a time when I must face my foes, struggles in life, there will be one constant, and so because of him, I go through life living everyday on it`s own and not RR

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GIVE UP

OLD

Grudges

By Atinuke Alli-Oke

friend of mine was thrilled to be asked to co-write a book with a prominent lawyer -- a woman who he greatly admired and who, at the time, he considered a friend. Putting aside other researches to meet the ridiculously tight deadline, he spent the better part of 2 months interviewing, researching and writing. He was delighted to learn that, with minor changes, everyone loved the manuscript. Then he received his advance copy. His name wasn't on the cover. Oh, it was there all right, buried in small print on an introductory page. "You weren't really the author of the book," the lawyer explained when he called to inquire what had happened. "You just wrote the text." Excuse me? He'd always believed that's precisely what an author did! He was livid -- and stayed that way for the better part of a year. Flushed with self-righteous anger, he'd gleefully rehearsed in my mind (and to anyone who'd listen) all the deliciously nasty retorts he wished he'd said -- and fully intended to one of these days. Needless to say, they are no longer friends but, for a long time, he remained miserably uncomfortable every time he bumped into her -- which, unfortunately, was often. So he nursed that grudge. And though he hated her, in time, he hated even more the way hating her made him feel. He knew he was supposed to let bygones be bygones -after all, the virtues of forgiveness are hammered into us by Christ's teachings. But he just couldn't forget and move on. Whether you're still miffed about the nasty comment your sister-in-law made about you when your husband presented you to his family, or reeling from a colleague's grab for a job that should have been yours, at some point, every one of us feels hurt or mistreated -- sometimes deeply -- by friends, lovers, family members or colleagues. A grudge is born.

Gauntlet of Grudges A grudge is an anger that won't quit. When someone wounds you, it's natural to get angry. Like a turtle pulling into its shell, you harden your heart to protect yourself from further injury. But hurt and anger are meant to be fleeting emotions, not permanent fixtures. For grudge-holders, grievances are like planes on an air-traffic controller's screen, circling endlessly and taking up precious air space. We hold grudges because we lack the self-confidence as well as the communication and resolution skills for dealing with a hurtful situation in the first place. That's the Catch-22 about grudges: They can make you feel really lousy, yet one of the things that would help you get past them -- confronting the person who triggered the grudge -- is often too high a hurdle to leap. So while a grudge may have a legitimate beginning, and may initially make you feel powerfully self-righteous, ultimately, harboring a grudge is toxic. In the long run, simmering bitterness -- even over grudges that seem shallow -- drains far more emotional energy than it generates. And, depending on the seriousness of the offense, grudges leave you irritable and anxious, souring your spirits and depriving you of joy. Grudge-holding can become a habit, a way of viewing the world and an excuse for cynicism and distrust. Perhaps more significantly, a grudge's gnawing resentment keeps you tethered to the person who wronged you -- and why would you want that? Anatomy of a Grudge For years, scientific research focused on how people coped with anger and resentment; forgiveness remained in the realm of spirituality and religion. Today, however, experts are using a battery of tools -- heart monitors to check blood pressure and heart rate, electrodes to measure

A GRUDGE IS AN ANGER THAT WON'T QUIT. 16

REAL RELATIONSHIPS

skin conduction responses and muscle tension -- to investigate grudge-holding, forgiveness, and reconciliation. They've built a compelling case that breaking grudge gridlock is a profoundly healing act. Experts have found out that grudges are linked with stronger negative emotions as well as greater physical stress -- [including] higher blood pressure, heart rate, sweat, and muscle tension levels. In a study conducted, grudge-holders were asked to relive hurtful betrayals, lies, or insults from family members, parents, siblings, or romantic partners, and then to construct two different endings, one positive, one negative. Blood pressure and heart rates were two and half times lower when respondents imagined forgiving than when they didn't. The forgivers also felt happier, more hopeful, and more in control of their lives. Why are some people better at letting go of grudges than others? Physiology and temperament play a role. Some people are 'hot' reactors.â&#x20AC;? Under stress, they are quick to respond. Their hearts pound, palms get sweaty from the smallest insult. Others are 'cold' reactors -- scream at them and their blood pressure barely rises. Those who are naturally fearful, overly sensitive, or whose self-esteem is shaky, may take longer to bury the hatchet than people with sunnier, more easygoing temperaments.

of breast cancer. Because it was self-contained, doctors advised a mastectomy. Nine days after her surgery she was feeling depressed; her brother, Mark coaxed her into joining a family get-together. "He told me it would be good for me to get out and that they wanted to do something to make me feel loved," she recalled. "But then Mark stood up and said, 'Now that Tade's ordeal is finished, we can move on to happier things. I want to announce that Cece [his wife] is pregnant.' Mrs. Adeoti felt as if someone had punched her in the stomach. Excusing herself, she ran to the bedroom and sobbed. "Mark had been incredibly thoughtless," she said. "Growing up, I was always the good girl who never spoke up when something was bothering me." This time, she called her brother: "I thought that dinner was about making me feel better, but obviously it was about you and Cece," she said. "While my cancer may be finished for you, I'm the one who has to get undressed every day. It will never be over for me." That was six years ago and ever since, Mark has sent Mrs. Adeoti flowers on the anniversary of her surgery, with a note saying how much he loves her and that he remembers. What might have developed into a lifelong grudge was defused because this woman found the courage to express her feelings. Lower the thermostat on your anger. Most of the time, people don't mean to hurt us. Maybe they couldn't do

CONFRONT THE PERSON WHO WRONGED YOU Family history is important, too. If your parents nursed grievances, or consistently treated you badly, you may be hyper-vigilant to affronts as an adult. Similarly, those raised with a strict set of rules regarding what people should and shouldn't do may find themselves constantly disappointed when others don't measure up to their expectations. Grudge-Busting Learning to forgive and let go of a grudge doesn't mean that hurts will bounce off you like water on cellophane. With forgiveness, you suffer less and heal quicker. It's a skill that everybody can learn. So get started: Acknowledge the hurt. Many people pretend they couldn't care less when someone hurts them. But that, experts say, only makes you feel worse. Initially, minimizing or denying a grudge may seem easier than peeling away layers of self-protective scar tissue that a grudge affords. But doing so pushes your pain underground, where it festers. Admitting that you've been hurt is the first step in healing. Allay stress the moment it occurs. Catch resentment early and you lessen the chance that it will harden into a grudge. Take several deep breaths and actively remember someone you love, a time when you felt loved and loving, or a kindness done to you. By practicing this breathingvisualization technique, you short-circuit the physical charge [of a hurt] and remind yourself that you have a choice about where to focus your attention. Confront the person who wronged you. My friend's mother Mrs. Adeoti, a widow living in the US, had just celebrated her 50th birthday. One week later, following her first routine mammogram, she learned she had a type

anything differently, or maybe they were too self-absorbed to realize what they were doing. Recognizing this doesn't trivialize your experience; it puts it into a less-painful perspective. By figuring out which hot buttons a hurtful action is pressing, you can better determine what you need to do to suffer less. Instead of obsessing about how awful you feel, talk to a close friend who had a similar experience, go for a run, or take the kids to the playground. Learn to take an objective look at yourself, the person who hurt you, as well the offending incident. To do that, ask yourself: --What stress was she or he under at the time? --Is she terse, selfish, or callous with others, not just me? Four Grudge Myths To break out of grudge-gridlock, it's essential to understand what forgiveness is -- and isn't. Myth #1: Forgiving means you don't get angry. This is the greatest obstacle to forgiveness. Forgiveness isn't a nonguilty verdict. You don't excuse unkind, inconsiderate, or selfish behavior, or minimize your pain. Rather, you acknowledge that you can't change the past or predict the future, but that you don't have to suffer forever, either. Myth #2: You cannot forget a wrong. When you forgive, you remember in new ways: Instead of seeing the friend who failed to return phone calls as rude, you might view her as overwhelmed by job and family responsibilities. Instead of dwelling on how wronged you feel by a spouse's betrayal, you admit that there were serious problems in your marriage that may have contributed to it and look for ways to resolve the problem. Continued on P 37

REAL RELATIONSHIPS

When Your Spouse

WANTS OUT

t may be surprising to learn that human conflict, if properly managed, can be the vehicle for transforming an unstable relationship into a vibrant and healthy one. On the other hand, the wrong response in moments of crisis can quickly smother the embers of love. A rejected man or woman often reacts in ways that make matters worse. As if drowning, people will exhaust themselves attempting to hold onto anything that floats, including their rescuers. Panic-stricken lovers often try to grab hold of others attempting to escape. Panic often leads to appeasement, which virtually never succeeds in controlling the behaviour of others. World War II might have been prevented and fifty million lives saved if British Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain and other national leaders had understood the folly of appeasement in 1936-39. Every time they offered Hitler another Czechoslovakia to tranquillize his lust for dominion, they only fed his disdain for them. Winston Churchill called it the most preventable war in modern times. That is where appeasement leads, whether in affairs of state or affairs of the heart. Nothing destroys a romantic relationship quicker than a person throwing him or herself, weeping and clinging towards an uninterested

person is trying so desperately to p r e s e r v e . Ty p i c a l examples of common reactions include the response of grief: "Please don't hurt me. Come and meet my needs." Unrequited love may also produce statements such as, "How dare you walk out on me!" Blame will produce statements such as: "How could you do this to me?" Appeasement could sound like: "Name it and you can have it. Just don't leave me." Servility (the doormat) may sound like: "No matter what you do, I'll go on smiling because you're mine." The common denominator between these responses is one of entrapment. They each restrict the freedom of the less interested party. For someone in the trapped syndrome, love then becomes an obligation rather than an incredibly wonderful privilege. Such reactions from a panic-stricken partner typically drive the uninterested partner farther away. Regardless of what common sense tells us to the contrary, the best chance of holding on to a lover who feels suffocated is to back off. This will offer freedom for your partner, and respect for you in the process. We've all observed the need for "space" in human relationships, but the concept is still difficult to comprehend when it involves our loved ones. The techniques of containment must end

necessarily, but the strain between the two partners is often eased. 2. As the secure partner begins to feel free again, the question he or she has been asking changes. After having wondered for weeks or months, "How can I get out of this mess?" they now ask, "Do I really want to end it?" Knowing they can be free often makes them less anxious to achieve it. Sometimes it turns them around 180 percent and brings them back! 3. The third change occurs not in the mind of the secure partner but in the mind of the other. Incredibly he or she feels better - more in control of the situation. There is no greater agony than journeying through a vale of tears, waiting in vain for the phone to ring or a miracle to occur. Instead, the person has begun to have self-respect and to receive evidence of respect in return. What do you think a used car salesman would accomplish by telling a customer through his tears, "Oh, please buy this car! I need the money. If you turn me down, I think I'll go out and kill myself!" A ridiculous analogy, of course, but there is a linkage in it. When people fall in love with eligible partners, they attempt to 'sell themselves'. Unlike the car dealer, they

NOTHING DESTROYS A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP QUICKER THAN A PERSON THROWING HIM OR HERSELF, WEEPING AND CLINGING TOWARDS AN UNINTERESTED PARTNER. partner. The partner may pity the other and wish things were different, but they can rarely bring themselves to love again under those circumstances. Relationship conflicts typically involve one partner who cares a great deal about the relationship and the other who is more independent of the other. As love affair begins to deteriorate, the vulnerable partner is inclined to panic. Characteristic responses include grieving, lashing out, begging, pleading, grabbing, and holding on; or the reaction may be just the opposite, involving appeasement and passivity. While these reactions are natural and understandable, they are rarely successful in repairing the damage that has occurred. In fact, such reactions are usually counterproductive, further destroying the relationship the insecure

immediately, including manipulative grief, anger, guilt, and appeasement. Begging, pleading, crying, hand wringing, and playing the role of the martyr are equally destructive and unproductive. There may be a time for strong feelings to be expressed and also an occasion for quiet tolerance, but these responses must not be used as persuasive devices to hold the drifting partner against his or her will. If the insecure partner convinces the other that his or her freedom is secure, interesting changes begin in the relationship. Three consequences can be anticipated when the previously "grabby" lover also lets go of the secure one: 1. The trapped partner no longer feels it necessary to fight off the other, and their relationship can improve. It is not that the love affair is rekindled,

must not deprive the buyer of free choice. Instead, they must convince the customer that the purchase is in their own interest. If a person wouldn't buy a car to ease the pain of a salesman, why then would they devote their entire being to someone they don't love, simply for benevolent reasons? Quiet dignity, self-confidence, and common courtesy generate respect, which is the critical ingredient in human affairs. Hand wringing, groveling, and pleas for mercy will only destroy this respect. A final word of encouragement: Nothing can appear to be so fixed, yet ever evolving as emotions. Feelings can turn upside down in a day or two. Partners may say, "I never want to see you again," only to fall weeping in the other person's arms hours later. Hang tough. God isn't through with you yet. RR

REAL RELATIONSHIPS

Charles &

he bible says that a man's gift will make way for him, meaning it will open doors, bring people greater than the man to favour the same. All over scripture, lives of young men and women who excelled in their ways are chronicled, for what reason? That â&#x20AC;&#x153;they may be for ensembles for us upon whom the ends of the world are come''. It was with this in mind that when we heard of these 2 youngsters, we decided to chronicle their achievements for us as ensamples of what and where focus and determination can get us. They are by no means the only ones achieving however they are a prototype of what young black kids can do when they set their minds to it, more important to us, they are of Nigerian origin excelling in a white man's land, where they could have become laid back but decided to push against the tide and be a voice and a body, to be seen and heard!

REAL RELATIONSHIPS

& Donna

REAL RELATIONSHIPS

Ways

of Making Love without

Doing It!

Tell the other person that you love them

Go for a long ride

Give a special gift

Give or get a hug

Make the other person feel important and respected

Be there when a friend is needed

Spend time together

10.

Go to a movie

11.

Walk arm in arm

12.

Make a special tape of love

Tell the other person that you care

Hold hands

REAL RELATIONSHIPS

songs

45.

Hide a love note where the other will find it

13.

Talk openly about your feelings

14.

Share dreams with each other

46.

Write a poem

15.

Sit together in the park

47.

Eat dinner by candlelight

16.

Take a walk together

48.

Go to a concert

17.

Go out to eat

49.

Watch the sunrise together

18.

Have a picnic

50.

Take a drive together

19.

Play a game of scrabble and spell each other's pet names

51.

Give each other pet names

52.

Go sightseeing

20.

Give compliments

53.

Watch movies together

21.

Go swimming

54.

22.

Just be close

Do things for each other without being asked

23.

Plan and go on a road trip together

55.

Propose marriage

56.

Whisper something nice into the other's ear

24.

Throw a party together

25.

Go to the library

57.

Be best friends

26.

Browse in a museum

58.

Go out dancing

27.

Just be there

59.

Play music together

28.

Find out what's special for the other person, and do it.

60.

Laugh at something funny together

29.

Exercise together

61.

Be faithful

30.

Gaze at each other

62.

Impress and inspire each other

31.

Wash each other's car

63.

32.

Talk to each other

Make list of things you like about each other

33.

Listen to love songs

64.

Read a book and discuss it

34.

Hold one another close

65.

Meet each other's friends

35.

Use eye contact to share a private thought

66.

Cook each other's favourite meal

36.

Write each other letters

67.

Find out what makes the other happy

37.

Talk on the phone

68.

Make each other gifts

38.

Trust one another

69.

Be caring

39.

Give or receive a promise ring

70.

Watch the sunset

40.

Meet each other's family

71.

Dedicate a song on the radio

41.

Make sacrifices for each other

72.

Send a funny card

42.

Surprise each other with unusual gifts

73.

Share lifetime goals with each other

43.

Respect each other

74.

Share private jokes

44.

Go for moonlight walks

75.

Think about each other

REAL RELATIONSHIPS

Whose A

smile

D E

IS THE G

BEST? SEND YOUR ENTRIES (INCLUDING YOUR NAME AND LOCATION) TO realrelationships@hotmail.com

Beats Gospel

atthew Ward is a living proof that God uses circumstances to turn hearts towards Him. The CD My Redeemer was inspired largely by Matthew's physical experiences as a cancer patient. His new CD release, Even Now, explores our emotional link with the God of the universe. This past year the Ward family ministered to several close friends who were wading through the thick cold waters of grief, loss, and profound depression. Witnessing these sometimes-agonizing struggles at close range resulted in the music of Even Now, a project intended to comfort and encourage listeners as they apply God's truth to their own personal daily experience Throughout this new project, the reoccurring themes of God's power and presence gives a worshipful quality to the music that transports and lifts our weary spirits from whatever challenges we are facing and then sets us down

REAL RELATIONSHIPS

gently at the feet of the Saviour for an intimate visit. We feel through Matthew's music how much God wants us to talk with Him and be in the right relationship with Him. Matthew Ward is a man of contrasts. He is intense, yet light hearted, intellectual but not pretentious. He loves the outdoors and the activities of the Rocky Mountain region where he lives. He takes time to travel into his own soul to search for the words and music that God has placed within him. He has faced death and now savors every moment of life that God grants him. Matthew Ward's music is a complex reflection of God's message, filtered through the life of a person who has daily life struggles as we all do. Witty and entertaining, Matthew Ward in concert breathes a welcome gust of fresh air through the Christian experience as he peppers the show with stories and quips that remind us not to take ourselves quite so seriously. As for his own remarkable gifts, Matthew

acknowledges that he has always known where his talents come from. "When it's all said and done," he says, "I don't want people to remember me for my ability to sing, but rather for turning their eyes to Jesus." Diagnosis: Cancer In January 1994, Matthew Ward was diagnosed with not one, but three types of cancer. This word had become all too familiar to him many years before. By the age of 12, the singer had lost his mother to a brain tumour and his father to leukaemia. The youngest of nine children, Matthew took the deaths of his parents particularly hard. In 1970, Matthew and his sister Nelly moved in with their older sister, Annie and her husband, Buck Herring. It was there that the siblings dealt with their grief by singing songs of praise and worship together as the Lord used their music to comfort them and release their pain. As others became aware of the trio's unique sound, the family soon realized that their music was not just for themselves. Under the leadership of Buck, and with the help of music industry veterans such as Pat Boone and Sparrow Records founder Billy Ray Hearn, the ministry of the 2nd Chapter of Acts was born. For the next 17 years, the 2nd Chapter of Acts was one of the most popular and distinctive groups in Christian music, recording classics such as "Easter Song," "Mansion Builder," and their Dove Awardwinning Hymn projects. "We always knew that God had called us to what we were doing," Matthew reflects. Therefore, ten years ago, when the group felt that God wanted them to disband at the height of their success, Matthew knew that God must have plans for him. He didn't know that these plans would include cancer. For two frightening and uncertain years, Matthew battled the disease and ultimately experienced full remission. Now considered "cancer-free," Matthew is convinced that God used his ordeal to move and prepare him for a new ministry: using his voice to melt walls of disbelief, discouragement, bitterness, and doubt within the body of Christ. For Matthew, music ministry is about reaching out through the power of God to heal and restore broken lives. His songs are carefully played over and handpicked for the purpose of reaching out to all those who wish to have Father God sing over them. Today, Matthew's ministry has expanded to include hundreds of live concerts and appearances each year at churches and events across the country. My Redeemer is the first CD of this new phase of Matthew's career, and he has followed that with his newest release, Even Now. Matthew says that, "My Redeemer is a direct reflection of the power of God to reach into places you think He simply won't. It represents God's heart toward me while I was going through one of the toughest things I've ever had to face." While most of his career has been set to the rhythms of pop, R&B, and progressive rock, for My Redeemer Matthew

REAL RELATIONSHIPS

slows things way down with ten heartfelt tracks designed to create an atmosphere of praise and meditation. The new Even Now release is truly a devotional music. In the past three years, crisscrossing the country and visiting hundreds of churches, Matthew has been dismayed by what seems to be a trend of replacing the traditional cross in the sanctuary with other symbols of worship. His goal for Even Now is to bring our attention back to the cross and what it means. Ultimately, this is what Matthew Ward's ministry is all about: finding God's strength to carry on through the pain and uncertainties of life, praising and worshipping Christ from the deepest resources of our beings, and by faith learning to live again. Formed in 1997 by Matthew and his wife, Deanne, Matthew Ward Ministries is a natural extension of what God has done in Matthew's life. This music ministry is about reaching out through the power of God to heal and restore broken lives. Matthew Ward Ministries is a faith ministry, and Matthew deeply appreciates the contributions of his fellow believers. This money is prayerfully used toward the ongoing expenses of his traveling concert ministry. "I have become more and more convinced that God wants to use my voice and story to melt walls of disbelief, discouragement, bitterness and doubt within the body of Christ." - Matthew Ward Accomplishments Ministered with pioneering contemporary Christian music group the 2nd Chapter Of Acts for more than 17 years, having started at age 12. Helped lead 500,000 men in worship as part of the 1996 Promise Keepers praise team. Sang title song for the 1996 Billy Graham Christmas TV special, "Season For Peace." Ward's songs "Love" and "Perfect Union" held the No. 1 position in Christian music charts. Sang duet with pop diva Donna Summer, as well as background vocals on other songs including the No. 1 hit "She Works Hard For the Money." Sings background vocals on Grammy-winning country artist Leann Rimes' best-selling album "Blue" as well as her latest release "Sitting on Top of the World." Ward has recorded or performed with more than 50 contemporary Christian artists, including Andrae Crouch, Annie Herring, Dennis Jernigan, Ron Kenoly, Twila Paris, and the late Keith Green. Has written, co-written, and produced songs for wellknown Christian artists such as Annie Herring, 2nd Chapter Of Acts, Barry McGuire, Rick Crawford, Jamie Owens Collins. Has performed in all 50 states in the U.S., and in some 15 foreign countries. RR

Somebody Help!

My Fiance Wants Me

PREGNANT before our

WEDDING DAY by Dr. Stanley Okugbo

lease my daughter make sure you get pregnant before you marry him!” “But mama we are Christians…” Hiss. Look my dear everybody is doing it oh and I don't want the problem my friend's daughter is having now. They are saying she is a witch and that she must have destroyed her womb. This advice has been given to many young ladies who demand the girl should be pregnant before they marry her. Yet we know that as Christians we cannot live as sinners. 1Jn 3.9 First what is marriage and what was God's purpose for instituting it? Marriage is a union between two consenting adults willing to live under the guidance and Lordship of Christ. This is Christian marriage; its purpose is to provide cover for all under it and to institute the first block in society namely the family. It

REAL RELATIONSHIPS

provides cover for a l l h u m a n endeavours. You cannot enter it unlawfully and e x p e c t God's guidance. For when you decide to become pregnant before marriage where is God in the equation. You are not living by Gods standard of faith and trust in him but by human standards of seeing is believing. That marriage has started with immorality and its seeds will provide harvest in the marriage. Okay after the first child when will you marry after the third? Many girls have been left high and dry with unwanted children thus making them single

mothers. Then they claim that men are wicked. So who is the fool now? Is marriage all about children? Children do not make a good marriage. They are blessing of the union. Their presence does not make the family complete. No doubt they are a crowning joy only when they are trained and brought up to become useful in the society. Yes you want somebody to carry the family name; but who remembers your great grand father whose name you are bearing? Children are not for remembering family name but to propagate its cause. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is grown he will not depart from it? â&#x20AC;&#x153; I know Abraham for he will teach his childrenâ&#x20AC;? If this is not understood people will not just ask for children but will even discriminate between males and females. This is all nonsense having no base in the word of God! What if you fail to get pregnant? I thought he said he heard from God to marry you; oh sorry he said he loved you? There was a pathetic case I saw one day in my consulting room in the hospital, a lady walked in seeking to be investigated and treated for infertility. Close questioning revealed that she was unmarried and her spouse wanted her to get pregnant before marriage. Ever gynecologist and urologist knows how nearly impossible it is to treat an unmarried infertile couple as both have not made any commitment to each other. On the first sign of a problem the other just runs away. So you see he just wants to test you if you area good or defective product, using childbearing as its only standard. The very many children from broken homes attest to the fact that marriage is never successful because of children. A higher principles needed , it is called love. Marriage is to be based on love otherwise it will not last. If he really loves you he would not want you to sin against God except he is not born again. Then what agreement has light with darkness? When you marry an unbeliever the devil becomes your father in-law. Can you then drive him successfully from your homes? Is there a price in heaven for marrying somebody/? So must you marry him or her? God is our primary source of concern, we live for him only. Anything that would cut us from Him we must remove ourselves from. God's idea is for us to enter marriage as virgins. Sex before marriage is sin. It is wrong, it does not bring glory to us as Christians; it is walking

REAL RELATIONSHIPS

according to the standards and principle of this world system. Song of Solomon 8:8-10 We have a little sister and she has no breasts. What shall we do for our sister on the day she is spoken for in marriage? I f she is a wall [discreet and womanly], we will build upon her a turret [a dowry] of silver; but if she is a door [bold and flirtatious], we will enclose her with boards of cedar. [Well] I am a wall [with battlements], a n d m y breasts are like towels of it. Then I was in [the king] eyes as one [to be respected and to be allowed] to find peace Sister part of your purpose in life is to get married and bring up healthy children who will epitomize God's care and love for mankind. Trust God! He knows you and wants you to succeed on this also. Sarah, Rachel Hannah etc reveal to us that no case of infertility is hopeless no matter the stage. The problem is that we believe in God but want to walk by sight. All this trying and fighting to get children will only frustrate you. If you must live as an unbeliever then get ready for this kind of reality Eccles 12 :1Remember now thy Creator in the days of thy youth, while the evil days come not, nor the years draw nigh, when thou shalt say, I have no pleasure in them; While the sun, or the light, or the moon, or the stars, be not darkened, nor the clouds return after the rain: In the day when the keepers of the house shall tremble, and the strong men shall bow themselves, and the grinders cease because they are few, and those that look out of the windows be darkened, And the doors shall be shut in the streets, when the sound of the grinding is low, and he shall rise up at the voice of the bird, and all the daughters of music shall be brought low; Also [when] they shall be afraid of [that which is] high, and fears [shall be] in the way, and the almond tree shall flourish, and the grasshopper shall be a burden, and desire shall fail: because man goeth to his long home, and the mourners go about the streets: Or ever the silver cord be loosed, or the

FOR

MARRIAGE P

icture yourself standing in one spot and cement being poured around your feet. You purposefully stand still, minute-by-minute and hour-by-hour, as the cement hardens. Soon you are unable to move from the spot you stand in. You are in one place. You may want to go somewhere else, but you are fixed in that one spot. Other people may try and influence you to move to another spot, but you are fixed in that position. If a strong wind comes up, it may blow you over but it will not blow you away. You remain in that one spot. Now let's apply that same principal to your marriage. Imagine that your marriage is planted in one spot and that nothing can touch it, nothing can move it. It may weather some storms but it stays put. You may even be blown over by a strong wind, but the marriage remains. We call this concept as it relates to marriage, Standing for Marriage. Standing for Marriage is based on the assumption that your marriage is under a spiritual attack. We base this on Ephesians 6: 12 which tells us that we wrestle not against flesh and blood but against the principalities and powers of darkness. With the understanding that there is a spiritual battle taking place all around us, we can take steps to secure our commitment. Steps In Standing For Marriage. We ourselves have learned these steps the hard way. They were revealed to us through our own marital problems. We have followed them and helped others experiencing marital problems to apply them to their own marriages. Through this we have witnessed God do miraculous healing and restorations. These concepts have worked in thousands of marriages when just one of the partners was willing to make the stand to save their marriage. Imagine how powerful they are when both the

REAL RELATIONSHIPS

husband and wife are willing to take a stand. One Flesh When married, God unites your soul and your spirit with that of your spouse and you become one flesh (Genesis 2: 24). One flesh means so much more than just a physical union between two people. It is descriptive of a physical, spiritual, emotional, and intellectual oneness between two people fixed in the concrete that holds them together through all kinds of weather and all kinds of circumstances. We all know that a parent's love for any child is meant to last forever. No matter what that child does, the parent still loves him/her and stands by him/her, much like the way a husband and a wife should stand together through all kinds of problems. However, when we have marital problems, it often seems easier to divorce and find a new or "better" partner. Loving parents would never put their child up for adoption and go pick out a better child at an orphanage. If we ever thought about trading our children when they act up, people would see us as being extremely cold and not loving. However, many of these disapproving people would think nothing of doing the exact same thing to their spouses. To prevent this from happening, there are certain, definite steps you can take. These steps are all encompassed in the concept of standing for your marriage. Steps Towards Standing For Your Marriage Standing for your marriage can be broken down into two specific steps. These are not just something that you do once and move on, but steps that you need to be consistent with. Commit to a mind set that divorce is not an option. Guard your marriage from negative

influences, and remember God has directed that marriage is to be permanent. When speaking about the subject of marriage and divorce, Jesus said, "Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate." (See Mathew 19:6). The promises you made to your spouse are permanent, not temporary. It doesn't matter that you didn't know what you were getting into, or that things didn't turn out like you had envisioned. Marriage is for life! Wisdom can be found in the traditional marriage vows that say, "for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and health, 'till death do us part'. If you have not reached the conclusion in your mind that divorce is not an option, then you cannot have a successful marriage. If your marriage lasts it is destined for mediocrity at best. If you have not made this decision, every time your relationship gets a little rocky you will start entertaining the thought of divorce. What a convenient way out of problems, just run away from them. If you ever allow yourself to entertain the thought of divorce, you are being double minded. Matthew 7: 12 says, "a double minded man is unstable in all of his ways." If you have already adopted the mind set that divorce is not an option, then practice using it. When the tough times come (and they will come) and the thought of divorce enters your mind, IMMEDIATELY dismiss it. INSTANTLY tell yourself that divorce is not an option and move on to other solutions to the problem. If you

when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that", or "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late." And finally, "Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen." Those jokes are genuinely funny. Most people will laugh at least once, and if you don't like those there are plenty more that are probably funnier. The one thing that all of those jokes have in common is that they attack the God ordained holy institution of marriage. Man has taken something that God intended as holy and has mocked and ridiculed it. Negative comments like referring to your wife as 'the old ball and chain' or describing your husband as 'the old fart' has exactly the same effect. It attacks the institution of marriage, and more specifically, it attacks your individual marriage. This type of repartee also clearly violates Scripture. There are literally dozens of verses that tell us to build each other up and not to tear each other down. The most powerful says, "Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers." (Eph 4:29). Are these jokes and/or negative comments complimentary to your spouse? Are they edifying your relationship? No they are not, so we know exactly what God thinks about them. Proverbs 18: 21 says, "death and

IF YOU HAVE NOT REACHED THE CONCLUSION IN YOUR MIND THAT DIVORCE IS NOT AN OPTION, THEN YOU CANNOT HAVE A SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE. consider the thought for even a few seconds, you have planted the seed and it can then grow out of control. If you have in the past, entertained the thought of divorce, you must pray and repent for those ungodly thoughts. Ask God to cleanse your mind of that seed. Then in the future, if those thoughts come back, INSTANTLY dismiss them and move on to another solution to your problem. Write it at least 500 times 'Divorce is not an option.' In fact, if your spouse knows you have been thinking about it they will be blessed to see it written all over the place. And it will help convince you. Guard Your Marriage from Negative Influences Several years ago certain jokes about marriage used to float around such as: "Have you heard that getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then

life are in the power of the tongue." What is coming from your tongue concerning your marriage, death or life? There is also a second part to this concept. That part is eliminating people from your life that do not support your marriage. You may have a friend or a relative that isn't supportive. Maybe they were friends before you wed or they watched you suffer through some marital problems. Perhaps they just do not like your spouse. If they are communicating these feelings to you, they are attacking your marriage. They may love you, they may mean well, but they are destroying your relationship a little bit at a time. You need to convey to them that you will not listen to this criticism anymore. Ask them politely, but firmly, to stop speaking negatively about your spouse or about your marriage. It is important to understand that if they can't speak positively about your relationship, you do not need to be around them. RR

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PREACHERS' KIDS: Their

UNIQUE CHALLENGES And

BATTLES PART 1: The Problems and Benefits

am not the child of a preacher, but my children are. My father was a building contractor, so I was not in the spotlight as my children have been. There are obvious pros and cons of growing up in a minister's home. PK's face unique challenges. I have visited with many pastors and minister friends and observed their children and family interactions. For most of us, our children are our greatest joy and, at times, our greatest frustration and heartache. Let's be honest. There is no such thing as the perfect family, the perfect parent, or the perfect child including those of us in ministry. In this first of two articles, I'll discuss potential problems in the lives of ministers and their children and the potential benefits of raising children in a minister's home.

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The Problems Hypocrisy Nothing is more harmful to our children than to live in a home where we say one thing in the pulpit and act another way at home. Leading double lives is one of the most damaging things our children face. Ministers often feel pressured to lead perfect lives. We all know it is not possible, so why are we tempted to play this role? Do our congregations expect us to be a notch above everyone else? Somewhere along the line, we inadvertently adopted the unwritten behaviour pattern that Christians are never angry, never depressed, never sick, never upset with a spouse or child-always, and are always happy. If ministers try to live that way, they run the risk of not only destroying

their health, but the respect of their children, as they will see the fallacy of such nonsense and may even reject the gospel message as unreal and irrelevant. God knows we are a needy people, and the people we minister need to know it too. It is out of our needs that we see God work. When we show we are also in need of God's help and grace, the

occasionally kick up our heels and have a good time with our children. Isolation Missionary children are physically isolated from their culture by living in a foreign country. They are further

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS THE PERFECT FAMILY, THE PERFECT PARENT, OR THE PERFECT CHILD INCLUDING THOSE OF US IN MINISTRY. people who follow our ministry will see the reality of God working in us. And most importantly, our children need to see God working in us. Dirty Linen Pastors have to deal with all sorts of problems within their congregation. An effective, growing church is more like a spiritual hospital. People's lives are messed up in sin. Ugly things happen. Sexual sin, divorce, addiction, depression, bitterness-it all crosses our desks. If ministers bring this "dirty linen" home and discuss it in front of their children, they do them a great disservice. It is important that our children do not pick up our grievances or frustration. They should not be given either the burden or the right to hear about other people's problems and sins. Believe me, they will see plenty of problems without us calling attention to them. Spotlight PK's live in a glass bubble. Expectations are high. Some people in our congregations may have a habit of forgetting that all children are born in sin, including the preacher's kids. Many congregation members absolve their guilt about their children's behaviour by pointing out the flaws they see in PK's. Ministers need to be aware that their children are in many ways on trial, not only among church members but in the community as well. Reminding our congregations that we are all human, subject to sin and in need of God's grace-is one way to help thwart this problem. We must never fall into the trap of requiring our children to live up to other people's expectations. However, we all are called to try to live up to God's expectations, but none of us fully succeed. Abandonment Abandonment of children does not just happen in homes when a parent physically moves out and ceases to have contact with his or her children. PK's can feel abandoned when our ministry lives are too full of other things or are out of sync. Saying, "You matter to me more than everything else in the world," and then letting everything else in the world eat up all our time tells our kids that our words are hollow and meaningless. Being there means we are not only physically there, but our eyes, our affection, and our interest are there too. We must be real enough to

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isolated if they are sent to boarding school. PK's of ministry parents who pastor small churches with few children in the church can also feel isolated. Sometimes our children feel isolated socially as well. Ministry parents may not understand how not attending or participating in certain social activities can make their children feel isolated. Missionary parents should bring their children's feelings of cultural isolation out in the open and provide a framework for them to express their feelings. If our convictions restrict our children's social activities, we shouldn't just say, "No. Because we told you so." Rather, we should discuss with them the reasons behind our decisions. Then when if they feel isolated, we can offer options for them or at the very least, empathise with them. The Benefits Seeing God Work A wonderful benefit of being a PK is the opportunity to see God work. When our children frequently participate in our ministry, they see faith at work in the lives of others. When God moves in our lives and in the congregation, the extra spiritual exposure spills off onto our children. Nothing has been more gratifying in my ministry than to see God's Holy Spirit not only sweep over a congregation but to see my children caught up in earnest worship. We may think our child or children sitting on the front row drawing doodles on a piece of paper during our sermons are not absorbing anything, but they are. Hours of pew sitting bring rewards. Many PK's have a better knowledge of the Bible and doctrine than other children do. In addition, the theology taught through most of our hymns and choruses will stick with them forever. Most of us raised in church can sing dozens of hymns from memory and the majority contains excellent theology. Increased Opportunities PK's who participate in church life and their family's ministries have increased opportunities to discover their giftedness in areas of music, hospitality, verbal communication skills, and leadership. Many of today's well-known Christian music artists were raised in ministers' homes. Articles on preachers' kids will appear periodically in Real Relationships to highlight the unique issues children of Ministers face. RR

Remember, it is your body

What is Good health

Good about

No Risk of Pregnancy

Healthy self-esteem

Sex My health

Closeness

s sex a bad thing? This story will attempt to unravel some of the answers surrounding this complex question. It's midnight and John is trying to explain his way out of calling his wife by another woman's name whilst sharing intimacy. One o'clock and Rose, 16, is in the bedroom, secretly cutting herself with a razor because of what her boyfriend made her do. Two in the morning and Steven's wife is sleeping whilst he downloads shameful images from the Internet. At three o'clock, Anne, who used to spend each Friday night in bed with a different man, has been bingeing and purging for four hours. Four o'clock and Pablo is starring at his ceiling, wondering how he is going to convince his girlfriend to have an abortion. Five o'clock, after partying all night, Michael takes another man home. He has tested positive for HIV. Not quite what my generation expected when it invented the sexual revolution. Although still not quite willing to give up that enslaving liberation, feminist writers likegoals Naomi Wolf and Katie Roiphe exhibit signs Personal of fatigue and confusion. A few secular people toy with the idea of abstinence, abstinence not so much of purity, but out of boredom, fear, and disgust. In Hollywood it has

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even become fashionable to practice Buddhism, a weary doctrine that finds the cure of suffering in the cessation of desire, and the cure of desire in the cessation of existence. What's more, some Christian writers give the impression they hold the same dismissive view. Overwhelmed by the sheer number of things warned about, they have forgotten how to do anything but scold. Maybe the sexual revolution was an even grimmer joke than we thought. Perhaps there is nothing good about sex. Maybe sex is just plain bad. Although if sex is a gift from God, what is with this picture of sexual liberation? It is Being close clear to see the negativity in many contemporary sexual relationships, however it appears that we are forgetting something. Negativity comes from something positive that is destroyed. Whenever you find a bad thing, look for a good thing somewhere in the ruins. The idea that sex is inherently bad doesn't come from the Bible. It comes from ancient gnosticism, which taught that the Creator wasn't God, but a lesser being who made a botch of things. Gnostics taught that the spirit was pure and the physical was impure, sex being just a matter of bodies was then deemed negative. The Bible calls God the Creator. He invented sex; it was His idea. And let's not forget that after He finished His

work, He called the whole creation "good". Dazzled by His handwork, Christianity espouses a higher view of sex more than any other religion. This is why it also has the strictest rules about it. Anything so important has to be handled carefully.

functioning in harmony. Conjugal union is a true merging. They become a one-flesh-unity-and I'm not just talking about their bodies. By this I mean that at every level, male and female were designed to complete each other. In sexual self-giving, the hearts and minds and

SEX SERVES NOT JUST ONE GREAT GOOD BUT THREE. So what can we say is good about sex? Sex serves not just one great good but three. However, it needs marriage to come into place. We can see that the first positive of conjugal sex is procreation. God told Adam and Eve to "be fruitful and multiply." This was part of their dominion of the earth. Second we have union. When Adam was lonely God didn't give him a man, an animal, or a crowd of people, but a woman who was different than he, yet made like him in God's image. When Adam first gazed upon his new companion, he was so astonished that he cried, "This at last is bone of my bone and flesh and of my flesh." The third good for conjugal sex becomes real only when the spouses are united to Christ, for that is when they become a living emblem of His sacrificial love for the Church and the Church's adoring response. Paul is so awed that he calls matrimony one of God's secrets. "This mystery is a profound one," he says, "and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the Church." These three points are what sex is for. What about pleasure, I hear you ask. Has Christianity got something against that? No, pleasure is great. God is for it. But by His design, pleasure is a by-product, an outgrowth of other things that are more important. If you pursue pleasure for its own sake, two things happen. First, it disappears. Philosophers call this the "hedonistic paradox". Second, it steers you wrong, because pleasure can result from doing wrong as well as doing right. Three Great Goods Let's talk about each of the three goods of conjugal sex in turn. The first is Procreation and in this we co-operate with God, offering our bodies, marriages, and homes as the occasion for His creation of new life. This is an incredible privilege. It is even more amazing to consider that the birth of a child is the birth of an image of God who will live forever, who will one day be older than the sun and stars. Procreation isn't just about your kids. Once grown, the kids will have kids, remember! We as parents will affect the parenting values of our offspring. Love isn't just romantic feelings. Love is a commitment of the will to the true good of the other person; it is a union. Otherwise, how could a bride and groom promise to love each other? You can't promise to have a feeling. If love is a commitment of the will, then what has sex got to do with it? Consider procreation again. Do you see how different and special-it is? In every other biological function, such as eating, digesting and growing, the man and woman are separate organisms. For the purpose of procreation, they join to become a single unit,

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spirits of the husband and wife co-operate with their bodies. They are united not just in their bodily dimension but also in every dimension, spiritual and mental. This unity also helps prepare them to be parents, and the hope of children joins them in solidarity with every past and future generations. Casual sex can't achieve that. It endlessly ties and severs ties. Imagine what it would be like to repeatedly tear off and reattach your arm. There would come a day when no earthly surgery would suffice; the reparative power of your body would be lost. It is the same when you repeatedly tear off and reattach your various sexual partners. Eventually they will all seem like strangers; you just won't feel anything. You will have destroyed your capacity for intimacy. In contemplating the aspects of mystery, think of Paul's words regarding the union of husband and wife: "This mystery is a profound one, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the Church." What was he talking about? So far in salvation history, we have only hints; we won't know the whole until it happens. Think of the Song of Songs and the Old Testament love poem that begins, "Kiss me with kisses of your mouth." Many readers are mystified as to how it got into the sacred Scriptures, but the ancient rabbis had an explanation. They said it not only portrayed the love between husband and the wife, but also symbolized the love between God and His people. Shocking! Yet the New Testament speaks in the same way. The Revelation of John foretells the coming the "marriage of the Lamb"; a future union between Christ and His Church, more consummated until He comes again. In ways this reflects our present understanding, and for all of its flaws, conjugal intimacy is a symbol of that piercing heavenly intimate connection. The little humilities and the mutual sacrifices of the husband and wife is like a training for a heavenly union; the awe of the wedding night and the ecstasy of their embraces, offers a glimpse of it. So is there any good in sex? In marriages, yes! God the Giver has made conjugal union the vaulted arch into two great goods and the mysterious emblem of an even greater good, a gift in this life we cannot comprehend. That's why we dare not uproot sex from marriage, the garden where God has planted it. Too much good is at stake to treat it lightly; it has too much power and danger to waste it on selfish games. If we are too foolish to follow the Giver's directions, we will learn that from the best gifts come the worst of miseries. RR

For Guys Only

SEXUAL

A Survival Guide for GUYS

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SCORE! GO FOR IT! BE A MAN! Guys get a lot of pressure to have sex from friends, partners, TV and Movies. But you can say no without losing your cool. Check out the tips below, then stand up for what you believe in! KNOW WHY YOU WANT TO WAIT. Think about your reasons for waiting Be clear with yourself so you can be clear with others. You want the first time to be really special You don't want to risk an unwanted pregnancy. You want to wait until you're in a long-term relationship or until you're married. You may contract a sexually transmitted disease. These are just a few of the many good reasons for waiting. Even if you've already had sex, you can start anew and say no now. DON'T FALL FOR STEREOTYPES Real men are always doing it, right? Wrong! Ads, TV and movies make it seem like guys are having sex all the time - don't buy into it. They're trying to sell products, not help you make good decisions. Don't confuse sexual activity with masculinity. You can be attractive, strong and popular without having sex. FEELING PRESSURE FROM FRIENDS? You may be getting pressure from friends, a brother even your father. Some guys think it is macho to brag about sex. Chances are, they're hiding their own fears and doubts. What can you do? Talk about your reasons for waiting Change the subject Walk away. Hang out with people who respect your decision. STILL GETTING HASSLED? Try These Responses: Friend: So, are you getting any? You: Enough to know that it's none of your business! Friend: How's your sex life? You: Better than yours, or you wouldn't be asking. Friend: What are you, the last virgin on earth? You: What are you, the sex police? IF YOU DON'T HAVE SEX, DOES IT MEAN YOU'RE GAY? Sexual activity is not the same as sexual orientation. Many guys wait to have sex. If you're confused, talk to a trusted adult and find out where you can get accurate information. You have nothing to prove by having sex and by not having it does not make you gay!

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WHEN YOUR BODY SAYS YESâ&#x20AC;Ś It's normal to have sexual feelings, but you don't have to act on them. Decide beforehand how far you're willing to go and stick to it. If you think you're going to explode, take a cold shower or go for a walk. This will help to release your pent-up energy. STAY AWAY FROM DRUGS AND ALCOHOL Alcohol and drugs can change the way you act. Even if you mean to say no, if you're high or drunk you may not. Also remember, alcohol and drugs only speak ill of you as a man. I REALLY LIKE YOU, BUTâ&#x20AC;Ś Is your partner acting pushy? Think you'll get dumped if you don't make a move? Make sure your partner knows that you value the relationship. Say, I'd really like to know you better before we go any further," or "I think you're great, but I'm not ready for sex yet." Be honest! Chances are, your partner will like and respect you even more. SHOW YOU CARE IN OTHER WAYS RR Men are often taught to show affection through sex, but there are many other ways to be close! GIVE UP OLD Talk about each other's lives. Hold hands. Discuss with your partner the Continuedyou both feel and sexual pressures Myth #3: Forgiveness work out ways to means handleyou're thema pushover. Absolutely not! Forgiveness puts together.

you in a position of strength. It's a courageous step to respond differently. When you forgive, you still hold people accountable for their actions -- but you take away their power to hurt you anymore. Forgiveness is the rebirth of positive emotions, not the wholesale obliteration of negative ones. That can happen with or without an apology. Sometimes, two people simply see a situation differently. The offender sees a minor slight; you feel a major slam. If you refuse to forgive until you hear that apology, you give the key that can unlock the prison of your pain to the very person who caused it in the first place." Myth #4: Forgiveness means reconciliation. Forgiveness gives you the emotional space to make the decisions that are best for you now. It may mean picking up the pieces of a friendship -- or deciding that having that person in your life is simply too difficult right now. To get over the bitterness that was eating deeply into him, my dear friend confronted the woman again and told her how much it hurt that she could fail to acknowledge him properly in her book. And invited her to lunch! The woman could not believe that her sworn enemy was inviting her out. She consented and today, they are great buddies. Difficult to do, you might say. However, since the past cannot be re-written, it's best to enjoy the present and plan for the future. Above all, remember Christ. If He can forgive the worst imaginable crime, then what stops us mortals from forgiving? RR

WAYBACK WAYBACK WAYBACK By Egerton Idehen

AY B A C K O U R FAV O U R I T E SERMON was "The authority of a believer". If there was any sermon on earth we didn't want to be - hearers only but doers also, it was on this particulars sermon. Way back, arguments and debates were symptomatic of our early walk in the lord. We'd argue about almost anything. Was it really Samuel that the witch of Endor called up? Do we baptize in the Name of the father, son and Holy Ghost instead of the Name of Jesus? Can a believer be possessed? Some would say oppressed not possessed. The arguments this can generate is not as simple as the prefix “-op” or “po.” It is as serious as being branded heretic for life. The enmity between the serpent and the seed of the woman can only match in comparison, if you deferred in opinion with some of the brethren. A divine light had shone on a brother while studying the scriptures. In ecstasy, he declared that he had found out the meaning of the five stones David picked for his sling while he was about to face Goliath. We were all ears. “F-a-i-t-h! Each stones represents the five letters in faith,” he explained. For a while silence reigned. Not because everybody agreed but because most of us were considering the right response suitable for the occasion. Armageddon descended when the first shot came in from an unassuming brother. “If it is faith, which means only “F” was used to down Goliath. What ever happened to the rest “aith?” While still trying to comprehend the question, another brother shot out, obviously upset, “ I don't believe it is faith, I have studied the scripture thoroughly and I know by the spirit of God that the five stones represents Grace.” “To me it represents Truth,” a sister added. I thought to myself, what about “Jesus?” After all, it is also five letters. Just a thought! Did I hear you ask what about “Christ?” The war had started. The shouts of Faith, Truth, and Grace rented the air. To be part of the action, you just

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needed to pitch your tent with any of the three persuasions and be ready to see it through! Your best friend may very well be on the other camp and that means, mildly put, enemies! Recently, one brother brought another dimension to the story of the five stones. He had explained that the five stones, whatever they represented, were meant for Goliath and is four brothers. Plausible enough, I have my doubts though, but is not enough to drag me into endless, enemy invoking, unprofitable arguments. I have come to realize that the substance is not what the five stones represent but what God did with the first stone. A preacher, Jesse Deplantis said, “God's not going to tell you to give your last dime, preachers will!” Way back, offering time were my most dreaded moments in church. The pleas, cajoles, threats and in extreme cases, curses, associated with offering time had left little to be desired of this moment. If you wanted me to part with my money, you could at least be nice about it. I am thinking now, not again! Shut up, didn't you hear? He wants to pray. It is blessing time. He goes into a monosyllabic “tonguing” and interrupts it intermittently with a hiss and a sigh. “Ba, ba, ba…hmm...Ba…” Now it is getting more serious. “The spirit of God tells me that some of you still have something in your pocket that you don't want to drop. What ever you do, do not struggle with the spirit” That is an understatement! I am struggling now. “Your hand is touching the money in your pocket, bring it out and give it” I am suddenly sweating again. My coin. My hand is touching it. How am I going to go home? I am envisioning the distance home. “Usher get the tray around, there is a fellow over there” Despite my predicament, I am wondering how he could really see one man, obviously beaten to submission, in this multitude. He really is anointed for offering collection. “Prove me now, says the lord, if I will not pour out a

blessing. Don't resist God” I am getting weary of resisting any way. Thoughts, ably supported by scriptures are rummaging my mind. Rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft. Ooh, that is scary now. “As soon as you leave this place God is going to surprise you.” That sounds fair! I grab the coin. With eyes shut, excluding any further consideration, I drop it in the nearest tray. Did I know peace? Now I have done it! Proud of my self, I challenge God to prove himself. Finally, the service is over. I get to the gate. There aren't two tall angels doling out bucks or transport fare at the least. Don't doubt. God's going to show up some how. Cute folks are entering their cars and zooming off. God's not touching any to give me a lift. I dare to ask, the guy slams on the accelerator, leaving me to grapple with the thick dust he left behind. It's one-hour now. God's not showing up. he is not convincing somebody to give me a lift. I have to go home. God help me. I am getting desperate now. A nice brother smartly dressed in white suit that has

Way back, Evangelism was swiftly carried out and conversion supersonically achieved. You get born again, filled with the Holy Ghost, Get demons cast out of you you must have one at least and get matured the same day. Sister Regina had converted more souls than anybody I had ever known. If the number of people she had made to say “Jesus” three times after her was anything to by, then she is going to have a hard time moving on the streets of gold. The weight of the heavenly crowns would definitely ensure a sedentary life. Sister Clara had never really believed in Sister Regina's claims. From her own perspective, it meant that sister Regina had an anointing that outweighs that of Philip the evangelist. No, she won't standby and watch this go unchallenged. While I admit that sister Clara is not altogether free from Jealousy, to be fair on her, the points she adduced were worth considering. Sister Clara had pointed out the case of Brother David, who had said “I believe in Jesus” three times, had rehearsed speaking in tongues, which in any case

NOW. “YOUR HAND IS TOUCHING THE MONEY IN YOUR POCKET, BRING IT OUT AND GIVE IT” I AM SUDDENLY SWEATING AGAIN. MY COIN. MY HAND IS TOUCHING IT. HOW AM I GOING TO GO HOME? I AM ENVISIONING THE DISTANCE HOME. miraculously survived the blend of dust and sweat, is walking towards me and smiling too. Here is my chance. “Sir, you see… I need to get home… gave my transport fare…my house is pretty far…” I am stammering now from both frustration and exhaustion. The white suited guy is smiling still. He pats my shoulder and says “I am trekking home too, gave all I had” You too? All hope is lost! Finally, I make it home after four hours trek under the scotching sun. There is no blessing. He lied! At least, so I thought. Folks, this was way back, I have grown in wisdom. Now I know that it is a pleasure to give and not a struggle. Being encouraged to give is good but being tricked will definitely not produce any result especially when done grudgingly.

contained the same syllables as sister Gina's. He even got the demon of smoking extracted from him, leaving on the demon of drinking. He somehow manages to keep three girlfriends. How could sister Gina add him to her list of crowns? Sis. Gina is not about to let her work and reputation be so rubbished. Defending the inclusion of brother David on her list of won souls, she pointed out the fact that His spirit is saved, but his mind is not renewed yet and that it takes time. The last we heard of Brother David was that he had three kids from two different women. Folks, this were all way back, laugh if you care but fail to move with the Cloud of Glory. The Glory of the latter house shall be greater than that of the former. RR

REAL RELATIONSHIPS

The Anatomy of Adultery 15 Steps to Unfaithfulness ow does adultery "happen?" People don't just decide one day to hop into bed and be unfaithful to their spouses. Adultery is the culminating action of a few small acts that lead to unfaithfulness. Each step in itself does not seem that serious, but Satan draws a person into adultery one tiny step at a time. He does this gradually, so that our conscience is progressively seared. This makes it easier to take "just one more step" thinking of it as insignificant and not likely to cause any damage. The following "15 steps" which analyse how adultery "happens" are based on scores of interviews, counseling, and correspondence with church folks who experienced levels of unfaithfulness. These shared experiences give light to our question: "How did this happen?" and "what were the tiny steps that led to this mess?" While the order varies from case to case, the following illustrates the general progression, which surfaced in many of these instances. This is not some sort of theoretical list. These are the actual steps taken by scores of church people who wound up committing adultery and regretting it later. Some of these people sobbed deeply as they shared, hoping that their own pain and failure might save other marriages. This information comes to you at great expense. This article doesn't have any preaching or analysis left to you. Here we offer you cold word-forword quotes. You and your Sunday school class can draw out the lessons. How did these lives get ruined, and just how did it start?

1. Sharing Common Interests. "We just had so much in common, it was uncanny." "She and I both enjoyed music, and we were attracted to each other." "He was so spiritually-minded... I'd been looking for someone to share my spiritual struggles with." "We both loved horses, and started riding together." "We both shared a burden for the church and especially children's work." "She was the first woman I'd ever met who liked the outdoors, even hunting and fishing -- I was fascinated!" 2. Mentally Comparing with my Mate. "My husband wasn't interested much in spiritual things, but this man knew so much about the Bible." "She was slim, attractive, and dressed sharp -- quite a difference from my wife who didn't take care of herself much at that time."

"She was so understanding and would listen to me and my hurts -- my wife was always so busy and rushed that we didn't have the time to talk. "My husband just would never communicate -- he'd come home from work and just sit there watching TV. I finally gave up on him. Then this man came along, and was worlds apart from my husband -- he was gentle, loved to talk, and would just share little things about his life with me." 3. Meeting Emotional Needs. "He understood how I was feeling and offered me the empathy I hungered for." "She was there when I needed her." "My ego was so starved for affirmation that I would have taken it from anyone -- I guess that's what started the whole thing." "No one had ever really believed in me until he came along. He encouraged me, inspired me, and believed so deeply in what I could become." "My wife was busy with the kids and not at all involved with my work. This girl admired me and treated me like I was really somebody. It felt so good." 4. Looking Forward to Being Together. "I used to dread going to work, but after we started our friendship, I would wake up thinking of how I would see him later that day... it seemed to make getting up easier." "I would think of being with her the whole time I was driving to work." "I found myself thinking of him as I got dressed each morning, wondering how he would like a certain outfit or perfume." "I looked forward to choir practice every week because I knew he would be there." "Every time I drove by her house I would think of her and how we'd see each other that Sunday." 5. Tinges of Dishonesty with my Mate. "When my wife would ask if she was with the group I'd pretend I couldn't remember... right there I started building a wall between us." "I would act like I was going to practice with our ensemble, but actually I was practising a duet with him." "Once my wife asked about her, but I denied everything, after all, we hadn't done anything wrong yet. Now I see that this was one of those exit points where I could have come clean and got off the road I was speeding

down." "Whenever we got together as couples I would act like I didn't care about him, and afterward I would even criticize him to my husband. I guess I was trying to hide my real feelings from my husband." 6. Flirting and Teasing. "I could tell from the way she looked at me. She would gaze directly into my eyes, then furtively glance down my body then back into my eyes again -- I knew then that she was interested in more than my friendship. But, I was so flattered by her interest that I couldn't escape." "Then we started teasing each other, often with doublemeaning kind of things. Sometimes we'd tease each other even when we were together as two couples. It seemed innocent enough at first, but more and more we knew it really did mean something to us." "We would laugh and talk about how it seemed like we were "made for each other" so much. Then we'd tease each other about what kind of husband or wife the other one would have been if we'd married each other." "He had those killer eyes. When he'd look at me in that "special way" I would just melt. It was hopeless fighting my urges -- he had me." 7. Talking About Personal Matters. "We would talk about things -- not big things, just little things which he cared about, or I was worried about." "We'd meet together for coffee before church and just talk together." "I was having problems with my son and she seemed to understand the whole situation so much better than anyone else I talked with. I'd tell her about the most recent blow-up and she would understand so well. We just became really deep friends -- almost soul mates. That's what's so weird about all this -- we never intended for it to go this far." "I had lost my Dad just before we got to know e a c hother and he had lost his mother a few years earlier. He seemed to understand exactly what I was going through and we would talk for hours about how each of us felt." "I was so lonely since my husband died and hungry for someone to share my life with. Then he began to call just because he cared. I loved hearing his caring voice at the other end of the line, even though I knew he was married." "We spent so much time together at work that I swear she knew more about me than my wife ever did -- or even cared to know." 8. Minor Yet Arousing Touch, Squeeze, or Hug. "He never touched me for months. Then one night after working late, we were walking toward the door when he said, 'you're so special, thanks for all you do..." then he turned and hugged me tenderly, just for a second. I loved how I felt for that moment so much that I began to replay it over and over again in my mind like videotape. Now I know that I should have stopped it all right then. I never intended to ruin my family like this." "She was always hanging around our house and was my

wife's best friend. Often she would stay late to watch TV, even after my wife went to bed. She would sit beside me on the couch and I was drawn to her like the song says... like a moth to the flame." "He would often pat me on the shoulder -- you know, in appreciation for a good job I'd done. But I knew it meant more than that." "The first time she touched me was when we were doing registration together. We were sitting beside each other. I'd say something cute or funny and she would giggle, then under the table she'd squeeze the top of my leg with her hand. That was really exciting to me." "Every time she shook hands with me at the door she seemed to linger, sort of holding my hand more than shaking it. No one else would notice, but I knew there was more to her touch than appeared to the eye. She knew it too." 9. Special Notes or Gifts. "He would write these little encouraging notes and leave them in my desk, pocketbook, or taped to my computer. They didn't say anything that could be traced. If anyone found them they wouldn't suspect anything. But we both knew what was going on, we just didn't want to stop yet." "I would sometimes call him and leave a short message on his answering machine. He would leave little notes in my Bible." "He would buy me a little gift -- not that expensive, but it always showed he had taken extra thought to get exactly what I liked. Of course everyone else thought he was just being a good boss." "She started leaving unsigned notes to me in my desk sharing her feelings for me. It scared me at first, because I thought someone would find one. But after a while I found myself looking forward to the next one, even though I knew the risk." 10. Inventing Excuses to Call or Meet. "I started figuring out ways I could drop off something at her house when her husband was gone. He and I knew each other and I would always return borrowed tools in the afternoon when I knew she'd be there alone." "I would wait until the end of the workday then I'd call him just before closing time about something I'd made up

as a 'business question' and we'd talk." "The more entangled we got, the more I planned times where he and I could practice together. We started meeting more often." "She started arranging her schedule so that her husband dropped her off at committee meetings. I would hang around and offer to take her home, acting with as much nonchalance as I could muster up." 11. Arranging Secret Meetings. "By now we both were so far gone that we started meeting secretly at the mall parking lot. I now know how foolish this was, but I was driven by something other than good sense at that time." "We started arranging to work evenings on the same nights, then we would leave early and meet each other in the dark parking lot." "I started making sure he knew my travel schedule so we could attend the same conferences. We still weren't involved physically at that time, but there was such excitement and romance to it all... even the secrecy seemed to make it more exciting." "She would sometimes call me just before lunch and we'd sneak through a drive-up together, and then spend the rest of my lunch hour talking quietly to each other." 12. Deceit and Cover-ups. "Once we were meeting secretly I had to invent all kinds of stories about where I'd been to satisfy my wife. By now I had built a towering wall of dishonesty between us." "Pretty soon my whole life was full of lies. I'd lie about where I was going, where I'd been, and who I'd been with. The more suspicious my husband got the better liar I became. But he knew something was going on. It's hard to lie without people suspecting it." "I joined several groups so that I would have an excuse to be away in the evenings." "She would ask when I'd be getting off work. I'd simply lie about it, and she never knew what hit her. How can I ever regain her trust now?" "We agreed that if anyone saw us driving around we would both tell the same story: that my car wouldn't start, he stopped to help, and we were going together to get a new fuse to replace the broken one he'd discovered." "By now my whole life was a lie, so I began telling them regularly to cover up our little meetings." 13. Kissing and Embracing. "The whole thing seemed so exciting by now. I was such a fool. We were meeting secretly and both of us were fearful of being caught. But that only seemed to increase our common ground. When we'd meet, we would embrace as if we'd not been together for years -- like in the movies when someone comes home from the war." "Once we started meeting secretly the end came fast. We kissed and hugged like two teenagers going parking for their first time." "It just felt so good to be hugged and loved by somebody who really cared about me." 14. Petting and High Indiscretion. "At this point my glands took over. I forgot reason altogether and was willing to risk everything for more."

"It was like I was a teenager again -- going too far, then repenting and promising to do better; then just as quickly, I was hungrily seeking more sin." "When my husband and I were dating we struggled with 'how far to go.' Well, here I was again struggling over the same issue. Friendship with this guy didn't seem so wrong. But now we were going further than I ever intended. But, I felt curiously justified going exactly as far as I had with my husband when we had been dating. In a way, I think some of my resentment against my husband's constant pressure on me started coming out. I'm not saying that it wasn't wrong. Just that I kind of felt justified." "At about this time I began fooling myself into thinking I was heroic for not going 'all the way'. That's what I wanted to do. But by doing 'everything but' I fooled myself into thinking I was successfully resisting temptation. What I didn't realize was that, not only what I was doing wrong, but that eventually I would take the next step. It's just not possible to freeze a relationship -- you have to go ahead with it, or break it off totally." 15. Sexual Intercourse. "Soon I quit resisting and was swept into outright adultery." "One thing led to another and finally we ended up in bed with each other." "Though we never intended it to go that far, we eventually went all the way and had sex." "One night we couldn't seem to stop ourselves (at least we didn't want to) so I completed my journey of unfaithfulness to my husband -- I had sex with this man." Whew! Can we learn from these testimonies? What are the common links you discover from these recollections? What words keep popping up repeatedly? What lies were these people believing? What generalizations would you make from their testimonies? If you summarized the advice these people would probably give, what would you say? Ten Symptoms of a Pre-adultery Condition Sharing private matters with a person of the opposite sex before sharing them with your spouse. Spending inordinate amounts of time with this person. Finding more delight in being with this person than with your spouse. Thinking this person understands you better than your spouse. Being unwilling to hear the warnings of others and stubbornly maintaining this platonic relationship. Feeling youthful or "high" around this person. Developing romantic feelings for this person that you try to transfer to your spouse. Being defensive when you try to keep from admitting you are doing something wrong. Instead, you accuse others of attacking you when they are really trying to warn you. Looking for opportunities to be with this person, away from the scrutiny of others. Finding reasons to avoid the wise counsel of friends, while accepting the unwise counsel of fools. RR

How to G a Friend by Joy Stevens

The best time to grow a best friend is before you need one!

Empathy is identifying with your friend's feelings and seeing life through your friend's eyes. Confidences are freely given when they are received with empathy among friends.

1. People Equal Friends. There is a certain chemistry with friends just as in a love relationship. Therefore, contact with other people is the first building block to grow a friend. Friends can't grow in a vacuum. Best friends take time.

7. Friends Touch Friends. Touching is a warm form of communication between friends. When you see best friends communicating, you will notice friends "listen with their eyes," stand close together, and touch comfortably.

2. Talking Is Essential Among Friends. Talking between friends requires reciprocity. In a mutually satisfying friendship, both friends talk and both friends listen. Friends talk appropriately to each other.

8. Friends Praise Friends. Affirmation is a powerful tool for growing a friend. Genuine praise can affect your friends' lives. Be liberal with praise for all of your friends, including your casual ones.

3. Friends Acknowledge Friends. Friends acknowledge each other when talking. Many conflicts in your personal relationships can be avoided if you will take the time to acknowledge other's feelings and points of view.

9. Friends Are Loyal and Trustworthy. Trust and loyalty go hand-in-hand for friends. Friends can trust you with their secrets, both large and small, because good friends never break a confidence. Good friends are forever loyal!

4. Friends Listen to Friends. Listening to friends in an important step in building a closer friendship. We often take listening for granted, never realizing what it means to really listen to a friend.

10. Friends are Equal. Friends are on a seesaw. In a healthy relationship, friends are equals. Not 50/50 every time, of course, but with a true, lasting friendship it always evens out in the end.

5. Friends Attend to Friends. Friends focus during conversations. Friends pay attention in conversations. It means that your ears, your eyes, your body and your feelings are all focused on that person at the time.

11. Friends Reveal Their Feelings. We feel closest to our friends when we are suffering together, when we feel like our friend needs us, or when we feel a friend has shared something of great importance with us.

6. Friends Show Empathy With Friends.

12. Friends Forego Mind Reading.

A TWELVE-STEP PROGRAM

The friend who thinks, "If you really liked me, you could read my mind" can not have an adult friendship. No friend can read your mind. And you can not read your friend's mind. Building friendships takes time and building friendships takes effort. F r i e n d s h i p s a r e b u i l t s l o w l y. Friendships require self-disclosure so any friendship has risks, Talking builds friendships and listening builds friendships. Attending builds friendships and acknowledging builds friendships. Friendships require equality and friendships require loyalty from friends. It takes three years to build true friendship.

Allow Time for

Friendships

Building Friendships In most cases, the transition from acquaintance to friendship occurs gradually. We reach out to offer friendship by offering a potential friend caring, listening, talking, sharing, accepting, and affirming. It takes time and effort to build a friendship. They are built slowly, slowly, slowly... Yet, nothing can add more to your life than having truly intimate friends. "Just friends" is a goal worth pursuing! Friendships can take up to three years to build! And building friendships is much the same for children as adults, but a bit quicker! Self-Disclosure builds friendships. Self-disclosure is usually the first step in establishing a confidant. And it is scary because of the potential rejection factor. Do it anyway! Start by sharing a few private thoughts and/or feelings with one person you might want for a close friend. If the person is responsive, he/she will usually share a personal thought or two with you. If he/she is not responsive to your overtures, don't think of this as a rejection. People may be nonresponsive for reasons of their own or merely as a perception of yours. Nevertheless, they can't be rejecting you because they don't even know you yet. Listening and acknowledging builds friendships. Often when your child, lover/partner, or friend tells you a story or voices a complaint, he/she is just asking for acknowledgment. This does not mean that he/she wants agreement or compliance; it merely indicates a desire to be heard and understood. Try these three steps to acknowledgment: 1. Repeat back. 2. Don't invalidate. 3. Don't try to change.

4. Don't problem solve. Many conflicts in your personal relationships can be avoided if you will take the time to acknowledge other's feelings and points of view. For more information about acknowledgment, click here. Listening and attending builds friendships Paying attention to someone is called "attending." It means that your ears, your eyes, your body and your feelings are all focused on that person at one time. Attending is a very important part of any relationship. It includes: 1. Being there physically 2. Focusing 3. Eye contact Looking at and focusing on another person shows that you are "there for him/her." For more information on attending, click here. Talking Is a Primary Building Block of Friendships. Talking is an integral component of friendship. When a friend talks and reveals ideas or feelings, he/she is expecting shared information in return. When the talk is not equal, the person talking feels as if the listener is uninterested. In fact, the person who is always the listener is really playing the role of a counselor, not a friend. Anytime you have been talking for more than a minute or two without participation from the person you are talking to, you are lecturing, bossing, or putting that person in the role of a counselor. Loyalty, Equality, and Respect build friendship. Friends are equal. Without equality, you can't have a close friendship. Friends are loyal and trustworthy. No one can confide in someone they can not trust to be loyal and to keep his/her secrets. Friends have similar values. Our value system is so important to us that our friends' values must be close to our own or we will not have respect for this friend. Allow Time for Friendships to Grow!