LORD I NEED A SPOUSE
By Bisi Tofade
What's wrong with being single? A whole lot of us go by what we see around us. Whether you visit a bookstore or a library, watch television, go to the movies, listen to friends and family, adopt the values of society, or read the newspaper, messages about couple-hood prevail. Little is spoken about being single, except as a condition to avoid like the plague. In the dawn of a new millennium, it's time to say what being single is really all about.The single life is good in its own right and a gift of God to be appreciated and embraced. It is a season in life meant to enjoyed and used as a blessing to others. There are about 100 million single adults in the United States— more than 13 million widowed, 18 million divorced, and 43 million never married. In 1995, 41% of the single adult men and 59% of the single adult women in the U.S. were living alone. A staggering 1 in every 3 children in America is being raised by a single parent—12 million women and 3 million men are single parents!
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C. S. Lewis was a bachelor for most of his life, married at age fifty-seven, was married for only four years, and remained a celibate widower after his wife’s death. Mother Teresa spent seven decades serving the poor in India as a single woman.
Singles in Church History Some of the greatest leaders of church history lived their whole lives as singles: Jesus was single. John the Baptist, Paul – the greatest Missionary was single. Others include Saint Francis of Assisi, Thomas Aquinas, Amy Carmichael and Helen Roseveare. C. S. Lewis was a bachelor for most of his life, married at age fifty-seven, was married for only four years, and remained a celibate widower after his wife’s death. Mother Teresa spent seven decades serving the poor in India as a single woman. Myths about single life
#1 My life + someone else=happiness We are fed this lie at a young age—what happens when Cinderella marries the handsome Prince…? Some singles believe that if they could just find the right person then they could be happy. Some married people do the same thing— they think that if they had someone else—beside the one they have—then they’d be happy. If you are single and unhappy and get married you will get married and be twice as unhappy. If you are married and discontent and get divorced, you will be divorced and discontent. A lot of folks are looking in the wrong place for happiness.
# 2“The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.” Those married are better off. So many people who are single are sure they would be happier if they were married. Many married people feel convinced they would be happier if they get divorced. Many divorced people feel they would be happier if they had never been married at all. 2
Four times in 1 Corinthians chapter seven Paul uses the phrase “it is good” to describe singleness. Often single Christians express disappointment in people saying things like, “What’s a nice guy like you doing single?” or “What’s wrong with you?” or even “All you have to do is pray for a husband, and God will provide one.” That sort of insensitivity drives singles away from the church and makes many to become desperate.
Flexibility Singleness gives the opportunity to serve God and invest our strength into eternal things. It allows us to be involved in worthy cause for humanity and grace to sacrifice, accommodate and make adjustments whenever necessary. 3 things singles must achieve during the single phase of life 1. Get to really know God. 2. Find out who you really are. Know yourself, temperaments, character, weakness, passions etc 3. Identify your life purpose, develop yourself and be equipped for your future.
Blessings of Singleness
Freedom Being single allows us to do what we want, when we want, and with whom we want without having to answer to anyone. Being single allows us to take full responsibility for paying our bills, cleaning and decorating, cooking our meals, planning our activities, and entertaining ourselves.
Fulfillment Basically, being single affords each of us the opportunity to discover who we are, what we do and don’t like, how we deal with things, what we want out of life, what our expectations are, what our potentials and limitations are, what energizes and empowers us, and what discourages and disappoints us
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PROBLEMS SINGLES ENCOUNTER THAT DRIVE THEM TO DESPERATION? PRESSURE There is tremendous pressure from peer groups, parents and society that often make many young people become desperate. This often leads to regrettable mistakes. Some people come under pressure just because their friends are getting married and no one have said ‘hello’ to them. The society also tends to accord more respect to those who are married. In our society, it’s more honorable to answer ‘Mrs.’ than
“Marriage is seen as promotion, so those that are not married can’t help but say, ‘Lord, when would my turn come? These are pressures mounted daily on those who are single.”
‘Miss’. Parents can also mount pressure. Some parents say things like, ‘Are there no men in the world who can marry you?’ or ‘Are you not beautiful or educated enough to get a husband or wife?’ or ‘I want to be alive to carry your babies on my back just like I carried you on my back’. Even the church sometimes does not help matters; Marriage is seen as promotion, so those that are not married can’t help but say, ‘Lord, when would my turn come? These are pressures mounted daily on those who are single. You must know how to handle them or you feel rejected, get into self pity, depressed or develop low self esteem. Such pressures could even push you into taking decisions that will affect you negatively.
PANIC ‘I am getting too old syndrome’, ‘No one is left to hook up with, all my friends are married, and maybe I will never be married’. These are common phrases that drive people into panic attack. Then the scheming starts. The hormones of fear and anxiety 4
Lord I will wait for your appointed time to bring me to my spouse
have kicked in. Leah in the Bible was willing to go along with any arrangement to get Jacob at all cost even if she had to sleep with him without his knowledge!
PREOCCUPATIONS Obsessive desire to be hooked up at all cost is a major symptom of desperate singles. This is what I refer to as ‘Single, desperate and seriously searching’. Many young people are putting their lives and happiness on hold and being overpreoccupied with marriage. It becomes their singular pursuit and nothing else matters. The search is everywhere: inside the church, in social events even at the bus stops. They look inside the advert column, dating clubs etc. Some are spending their entire time surfing the web: “Catch-him-and-keep-him-dot-com”
What Not To Do While Waiting For single females, avoid becoming a desperate, needy woman who sees relationship with men as a means to validate existence. Assuming every male is a potential husband to be grabbed. Don’t get angry with God for being single and making the pursuit of relationship a life career to live for. 5
Don’t get yourself trapped in selfpity, second-class feeling and sadness. Single and happy can co-exist. Don’t hold on to a bad and hurting relationship for fear of being lonely.
ror, dice and coincidence as factors to choose. • We are to reserve sexual intimacy for marriage (1 Cor. 6:17–20; 1 Thess. 4:3–8). No cohabitation. Don’t move in with anyone without being married, it is ungodly and brings God’s displeasure.
Coping With Loneliness Here is another extreme. When loneliness lasts too long, many singles begin to suppress their God-given desire to marry. They bury themselves in their job or church work to stave off loneliness and to prove how productive they can be without a partner. Busy schedules crowd out opportunities to socialize and to find love and eventually become isolated, antisocial and negative.
For Ladies Secrets of irresistible women • Be interested and interesting • Be busy with life, carry on life. Don’t sit by the phone expecting a call (empty life) • Explore your talents and abilities. • Make yourself relevant • Make friends and enjoy friendship • Do you have unmet desires and expectation? Check if they are aligned properly. Give it to God • Don’t put your life on hold while waiting for a man to show up and rescue you. • Don’t be pressured into wrong marriage, marrying for the wrong reasons • Watch out for men looking for fun. Remember Dinah. Don’t wander around to fall into their nets. They are everywhere including the church. • Avoid using sex traps to get men, exposing the ‘flesh’ to hook him or make him look at you as sexy.
Searching For A Spouse So you need a spouse! Here are few thoughts and suggestions to guide you in this pursuit. First all you must establish the basics that are fundamental and foundational: • We are to marry within the family of God (Gen 24:1–9; 2 Cor. 6:14–15). It is tough when you are married to an unbeliever. Do not compromise because you are desperate. • We are to pray for the Lord’s leading in seeking marriage. Don’t just use infatuations or physical attraction to judge. Do not adopt we-are-from-the-samevillage syndrome’. Don’t use trial and er-
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The Man you are looking for: Proverbs 31 man 1. He should have an intimate knowledge of God like Adam. He knows God, not just about God. 2. He should be a man with vision for his life and a secure sense of purpose like Joseph. 3. He should be a leader, strong enough to lead, humble enough to serve. 4. Does not see your achievement as a threat and competition but complementary. 5. Honest, truthful and godly
• Find time for God. You cannot lead a successful home if your spiritual life is empty • Keep your fire power under lock and key. Keep your emotion down and controlled. You are a believer not a play boy. • Make up your mind, settle for one. The more you put on the table the more your confusion. The Woman you are looking for: 1. A woman with intimate knowledge of God 2. A lady with character and godly virtue, not just beauty. 3. A keeper of the home and the family 4. A lady who will accept you for who you are and not what you have- a gold digger.
3 commandments for a woman looking for a relationship
1. Thou shalt have standards
2. Thou shalt not approach.
3. Thou shalt be willing to Dr. Bisi Tofade is the Senior Pastor of Jubilee Christian Church InternationalChapel of Victory in Durham, North Carolina. He is also the Coordinating Chairman of all North American branches of Jubilee Christian Church International, a vibrant and growing Church that has presence in Africa, Europe and the Caribbean Pastor Bisi Tofade is married to Toyin, a doctor of Clinical Pharmacy and a certified professional Coach. Toyin is also an ordained Pastor in Jubilee Christian Church. They are blessed with two wonderful boys Christopher and David.
walk away at any point.
For The Men • Don’t be a heart breaker, don’t manipulate emotions. You lead her on, then you drop her. • Watch out for “desperate ladies on a mission” . Like Delilah, they will use all tricks in the book to get you. • Treat all ladies like sisters. Don’t use them and dump them.
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