完整的家園

我為完整家園而奮鬥 I plead (for a complete family); therefore, I exist.

前言 筆者好友，寫於紐約

身為一個母親，筆者要強調的—不一定是個

人，看明白了，不再鬧婚變了，那就多一個家園完

物體形式上的家園才是完整的家—家裡每一個大

整了。筆者就是希望其他父母不要犯她與她丈夫犯

小成員都能維繫一個比血還濃的親情，就是以完整

的錯。

的家園。雖然筆者與她的兒子一向都「內在美」， 讓丈夫獨自在香港闖，他們一家原本能確實以超越

哪一天如果有人真的知道主人翁（筆者）及她

凡俗的價值標準，牢牢的維繫好一家人的情感；可

的文人丈夫的身份，他們夫婦若是和好如初、合家

是事情發生了，有人變節了，有人哀怨了，有人傷

歡喜的話，就最好不過了；可是萬一發現他們這一

心了。最重要是小孩受傷了。

家竟是一個瓦解的下場，就值得社會反省、警惕。 希望他們的兒子，能排除萬難，擺脫他父母給他帶

筆者的丈夫，文化界的才人，深得一般讀者、

來的負面影響，自己曉得規劃人生，而長大後對社

同行的愛戴，可是對於妻兒，就不如他文字所顯現

會有所貢獻。父母對子女的影響太重要了，是好？

得真、善、與美。現在，姑不論筆者和這位文人的

是壞？還真的看小孩的造化！

家庭情況如何，筆者只一心想跟有相同（婚變危 機）境況的夫婦，藉著她那兩三年寫下來的獨白， 分擔那難受、煎熬的心情。也許，靜下心來看的

Foreword

by Mary Lou’s closest friend from NY

This book is printed bilingual, not intended to be viewed as an English or Chinese learning tool, but intended for readers who might be able to resonate better in either language. Mary Lou, who first compiled her essays mostly from email monologue to her husband – on a blog, decided to go forth with publishing this book, so that more souls be reached, more hearts be touched and more families be salvaged.

Anyhow, a complete family, as Lou would like to point out, is not formed by a physical home front but a spiritual and emotional bonding. That’s a high value, that’s what differentiates humans from animals, and that’s still sought after by most of the families that are filled with the ultimate love in humanities.

It does not matter whether Lou was successful in bringing back her husband in the end; it is more important that more of us after reading this book become the defenders of complete families.

Lou, who spent long time in North America and was raising her son as a quasi-single mom, tries to appeal to her husband’s sense in upholding a complete family for their son. Lou’s husband, LB, quite well-known in the Chinese literary world, turns out to be not as highly moralistic as he professes himself to be in his literary works.

目錄 前言 2 維繫完整溫馨的家是每一個父母的責任 6 先樹立你好自己的形象吧 12 樂樂的毛病 14 讓人不解的力斌 16 我現在的立場 20 此電郵未完成 24 你沒生氣吧？ 26 Fwd：你沒生氣吧？（又只是場獨白） 27 電郵獨白裡的幾句話 29 請回覆 30 跟狗女人T聯繫了 32 不想做飯……請別再傷害我們 34 痛心 38 一天內三篇短訊 40 對兒子的前後兩種心態 44 我的直覺對嗎？ 46 48 2007年2月初幾天裡的雜語

請你想想 52 話……還沒講完 54 55 Fwd：話還沒講完 兩天心情比較好的獨白 57 59 Giuliani與兒子的關係 內心陰雲密佈 60 告訴他，孩子是受害者（可是他沒聽進 去） 62 樂樂的話 66 不得不重複問 68 別安排太多活動 70 寫給關心我們的教會姐妹 71 需要你更多的關切 76 老父幼子 78 樂樂的不足之處 80 重點式的埋怨，也請你思考 82 才剛送了飛機 86 兒子驅使我不能不為他爭取一個完整的 家 90 兒子貼心的舉止 92 兒子於2008年受洗 94

給兒子「自我訓練」的教導 給那狗女人的勸告（節錄） 恩愛夫妻 我還是得大聲喊 是回應、也是獨白 舊話還是得重提 與樂樂培養珍貴的父子情 發揚你曾經給他的父愛 香港vs.洛杉磯 家庭氣氛（你自己說的） 兒子到香港住的起因 太多家園有待重整 請善待樂樂 博客上的結語

98 102 106 108 112 114 118 122 124 126 130 138 140 142

Contents Foreword 3 It’s All Parents’ Job to Uphold and Maintain a Complete Family for Their Children.

9 Build up Your Credentials First 13 The Flaws in LL 14 The Puzzles with LB 18 My Stand 22 A Brief Message (unfinished) 25 Are You OK? 26 Fwd: Are You OK? 28 Please Respond 31 Contacted That Woman Again 33 Not in the Mood to Cook......Stop the Hurt

36 How It Hurts...

39 Three Messages Within The Same Day 41 Check Out Obama 45 Is My Intuition Right?

47

Trying to Be Strong 50 Give It Some Thoughts 53 A Few More Words 54 Fwd: A Few More Words 56 Words and Five Pictures 58 Giuliani and His Son 59 Heavy Clouds - The Overcast 61 Spoke with LL 63 LL’s Words 67 What’s Your Choice?

69 Bits of Reminder 70 To the Fellowship Group 73 Need More of Your Tender Care 77 Don’t You Get It? 78 The Inadequacy in LL 81 Highlighting My Complaints; Please Reconsider.

84 We Saw You Off But I Must Say This To You. 88 It’s LL, Who Makes Me Strive for the Best.

91

LL Showed It Again 92 Thanks to the Church Welcoming LL as a Baptized Member 96 Self-Drill 100 You Have To Know This.

104 En Ai Fu Qi 107 I Must Shout Out Loud 110 A Response to My Monologue 113 Re-iterating My Points With New Insight

116 To Bond With LL Intellectually and Emotionally, Strong and Precious.

120 To Give LL What You Once Gave 123 L.A. vs H.K. for LL 125 The Harmony in Our Family 128 Why I Uprooted My Son and Left Him in H.K. 133 Too Many Broken Families by Heart 139 Be Nice to Your Son, LB! 141 Fare Well to A Farewell (on the blog) 143

以下中文全已登在博客

維繫完整溫馨的家 是每一個父母的責任 我個人資料不重要；重要的是與大家分享的感

了他後，各以自己喜好的謀生方式長期於香港、美

受和想法，希望對別人能有幫助。內容裡的名字及

國兩地分開生活（他做他的人文事業，我從事我的

部分資料都有所更改，以保私隱。

教育工作），婚姻當然很有問題。

維繫一個完整溫馨的家，是每一個父母的責

我和丈夫性格很不一樣，但又不願互相讓步，

任。我為了兒子，過去三年努力爭取一個完整的

所以長期不和。（我就把我的丈夫叫做力斌吧。）

家，到現在還在奮鬥。兒子樂樂，已經十四歲了；

當初很典型的，互相吸引、相愛，結了婚過著兩

他的頭十二年，都是我在洛杉磯把他帶大的；他

人世界。本來也不生小孩，但力斌家雖有八個弟兄

十三歲才開始回香港和他父親同住。我和他父親生

姐妹，只有靠他和他弟弟來傳宗接代。所以我們在

婚後第七年又一次的大吵大鬧後，兩人感情特好，

的生活費，錢到手了，我就會在離婚紙上簽字。天

我自然而然對生小孩沒戒心，竟然懷孕了。樂樂在

曉得力斌心裡打什麼算盤，一邊說會籌好款目，早

1994年冬天出生，是個健康、情緒平和的小孩，我 們自己和旁人都不禁讚嘆，可真是上帝賜給我們的 禮物。樂樂一直的成長，都是快樂、聰明、伶俐， 和我很貼心。雖然我一向是個嚴母，但樂樂都知道 我對他無微不至，所以他也很愛我。

日辦好離婚，一邊卻遲遲不見他有進展，可是他倒 是把自己當成單身漢，前後交了幾個的女朋友。 在樂樂剛十二歲沒多久，又是一次大吵大鬧 的場面後，只有我和樂樂在車上，車子一路在高速 公路行駛，樂樂一路非常安靜，我安慰他說：「你

結婚頭七年內，離婚這個詞當然出現無數次，

沒事吧？別擔心爸爸媽媽吵架的事。你要做個堅強

但可以說，因為我對力斌還有愛意，所以都沒離成 婚。但是樂樂出生後，丈夫對我們母子倆人，本來

的小孩。」（“Are you OK? Don’t worry about what happened. You have to be a strong boy.”）他倒是什麼

已經是隔著太平洋，距離甚遠了，在情感付出上，

話也沒先講，只管眼神仍向他那邊窗子望出車外，

他也處處保持距離，讓我感受到他在外面亂搞關 係，我開始鄙視他這個不忠的男人，他不配做我兒

卻冒出：「我只為你擔心！」（“It’s you I am worried about.”）然後什麼都沒說。我在開車，未能仔細看

子的父親。加上每次我們聚首時，他敢膽批評我的

看他的神情，可是他短短的幾個字、平又穩的語

不是，還來干涉我教訓兒子的方法。他哪兒配？所

氣，讓我開始在想他為什麼這麼說。我們一路上，

以，打從樂樂兩歲起，我早就想跟力斌一刀兩斷，

兩個小時，都沒再說什麼話了。

可是白白讓他走了，便宜了他，所以我要求一筆過

接著，因為有六小時的飛機航程，我就半睡半

從他爸爸身上增廣學識。但沒幾天，我偶然的發現

醒的，反復在想這個兒子的心態與成長。奇妙的，

了力斌的姦情，竟然有兩年之久，那幾天他們還電

在幾天後，我從堅持要力斌給我一筆錢來做簽離婚

郵互通情愛，顯然力斌就是個兩面人。當時我只知

紙的條件，一百八十度轉成要他與我同心復合，為

道晴天霹靂，一整天大吼大叫的。雖然力斌馬上從

的是樂樂以後的成長。我要他身心健全、我不要再

公司回來，道歉又認錯，可是到最後，我要他馬上

給他陰影，我虧欠樂樂太多了。雖然力斌和我照樣

致電與那狗女人道別（樂樂也勸力斌該依我的），

為工作打拼而仍分兩地，可是我要他和我致力修

他卻一直不肯做。

和，原諒我過去的固執與傲慢，他也要棄絕過去不 淨不忠的行為；總之，我們要開始讓樂樂感覺到，

此文首先於此網頁發表：

他的家不再是父母仇視，而是合一完整的。

http://bbs.blog.qq.com/b-1001026845/8898.htm 以後，會在「完整家園的新浪博客」陸續分享這些 日子的電郵。

起初，力斌還不太願意回心轉意，可是半年 後，他的態度語氣，大小舉止，似乎都與我吻合， 一家在一起時，氣氛還算融洽。漸漸的，樂樂十三

這些電郵，有長的、短的，有軟弱低靡的時刻、也 有堅定不饒的宣言，由於我的「愛人」大多不回 電，所以都成了我這些日子以來的獨白。獨白就獨 白吧，是一個忠於建立完整家園的女人寫的獨白。

歲了，他那美國青少年的自我意識也顯露出來一兩 年了，我發覺我無法在擔任父與母的雙重角色，所 以就那麼因緣會際，2008年夏天就把他帶回香港開 始跟他父親住。本以為樂樂可從此享受父子情，也

It’s All Parents’ Job to Uphold and Maintain a Complete Family for Their Children. literary world, after LL was born, which naturally led to quite some marital problems.

The personal details about me on this blog are rather minute when I think of the effects and impacts on helping and salvaging more families from being broken as the utmost mission of me writing this blog. So my details will be revealed throughout my writings on this blog which was posted in Chinese only.

My husband, named LB on this blog, and I have very different personalities and temperaments. From dating to getting married, we were attracted to each other (for the virtues admired mutually). We did not even plan on having any child; however, LB has eight siblings, of which only he and his youngest brother are the boys, responsible for passing on the family heritage. So it was after our big fight during the seventh year of our marriage that LB and I were at the height of our marital romance, which led me to let down my guard against getting pregnant.

In December 1994, my son LL was born. Calm,

Supposedly, it’s all parents’ job to uphold and maintain a complete family for their children. For the past three years, I kept trying my best to fight for a family of unity for my son, and, now, I am still working on it. Our son is currently 14. For his first 12 years, I raised him alone in L.A.; last year he was sent to H.K. to be with his father. His father and I chose to work respectively in L.A. and H.K., me in the education field while him in the

peace-loving, and smart, LL was considered (by not only us as his parents but also others around him) such a joy and literally a gift from God. Truly, during LL’s growing up, he brought unprecedented reward and pride that I had never imagined. I always thought and still think I am so undeserving of such a treasure from God, especially the love for me from this pure and innocent child.

What added to my aggravation was that with the rare moments LB had with us during our re-union, he took upon himself as a big man to criticize my way of rearing and disciplining LL, which pissed me off and I definitely fought back against him each time. Thus, since LL was age 2, I had wanted to sever all my ties with LB, but I couldn’t just let him go. So I demanded a large sum from him so that I could sign for a divorce. LB promised to pay at all costs; however, a few years passed by and LB just hadn’t paid, and yet, he began to commit adultery semi-openly. I didn’t happen to uncover his infidelity with evidence until summer 2007, the time LL began to live with him.

Perhaps it was due to my love for my husband somewhat that I stuck with him during the first seven years of our marriage, even though we contemplated and even acted on filing for a divorce quite a few times. However, after LL was born (That was the 8th year into our marriage), LB’s attitude and heart towards us as mother and son had become quite minimal, actually quite distant, due to the unfaithful nature in him. As his wife, I knew that he had affairs, even though he denied; I began to despise him more. My pride came from the fact that LL is a much more precious gift from God than LB deserves.

How did I change my mindset about LB from wanting to divorce him to wanting to re-unite with him? It was back in when LL just turned 12, I had a big argument with LB at our re-union. While I was driving, on the way to the airport to depart from our re-union location, LL appeared quite withdrawn and sullen, looking out

10

through the window on my right side. I tried to comfort him by saying, “Are you OK? Don’t worry about what happened. You have to be a strong boy.” Surprisingly, LL—without turning his head towards me—replied, “It’s you I am worried about.” From that moment on for two hours during the drive, he and I stayed quiet without much words. I was too heart-throbbed to try to take a look at LL.

Unbeknown to me that LB had been in adultery, I kept reasoning and pleading with him, even though he ignored me for good six months. Somehow he began to change his mannerism and gesture towards us, which led me to thinking that he realized the importance of us giving LL a complete family and thus was willing to be re-united with us.

So then, at the age 13, summer 2008, partly due to LL’s entering adolescence (the rebellious state of mind) that he had not been listening to me and we fought quite frequently, and partly due to my incompetence as a mom to act as a dad for this son, LL began to stay in H.K. with LB. It was my hope for him to be with LB so that he could learn to be a learned man like LB. But soon after LL and I returned to H.K., by chance, I uncovered all the evidence of LB’s adultery right when LL was next to me, which was a devastating shock to us. I screamed and yelled like crazy, demanding LB to cut the bitch off.

He first promised, but then he never did.

Then, during the following six hours of flight back to L.A., I was half awake and half asleep, with flashback over the way LL had grown up. I deeply felt that it was my doing and LB’s that had deprived LL of all the happiness that he had deserved. Upon landing, I already made up my mind: no more urging LB to act on filing for a divorce paper for me to sign after receiving the money from him, but earnestly pleading him to be reunited with me by heart! All I wanted was to give LL a complete family, with unity and harmony!

11

先樹立你好自己的形象吧 2006年3月5日

等你做到在每日生活裡你是個言行一致、可靠

這篇顯示了我堅持要拿到一筆錢後才簽離婚紙的 例子；我就是那麼鄙視力斌的作為舉止，他不配 來教我怎麼教樂樂。

的人，你再來叫我聽取你的訓言吧。幸好樂樂不需 要你做他生命中的導航針；確實他不需要你，他起 碼有智慧來依靠上帝！

再告訴你一次，我不會採納你這種人所講的 廢話。你這個人只會空講白話，從沒實際行動。你 提到的那些身為父母該做的，都是一般常識，我早 就知道了，不用你來提醒。你哪裡有資格講這番 話，我受不了你這個最不稱職的父親，竟扮演起專 家來！你是一個以自私到無藥可救的文化人，只不 過略有成績罷了。去年夏天，你掛名到加州來看兒 子，其實你目的是專程開長途車去與你想見的「老 友」聚聚。你這不是把兒子看待成次等公民，是什 麼？

12

Build up Your Credentials First Sun, Mar 5, 2006

FYI, again, I would not take any B-S advice from you until you are not a person of words (and i.e. empty words only) but deeds. What you said was all common sense parenting, and, I know it all. But I just can’t stand it when it is coming from you, because you don’t have any credentials to begin with, when it comes to parenting and interpersonal skills. (Basically you are a self-centered rotten professional, who happens to be good at journalism and literary works. That’s all. Even at the incident of your visit last summer in disguise of spending time with your son, actually it was just your willful attempt to have gatherings with your “pals”. It was low of you to treat my son as second-class citizen.)

Wait till you build up your credentials as a human being of actual good deeds in day-to-day living; then I might begin to lend my ear to what you say. Good thing your son does not rely on you to be the guidepost in his life, and indeed, he does not need you to. He should be wise enough to know that only God is.

13

The Flaws in LL

樂樂的毛病 2006年11月1日

Wed, Nov 1, 2006

我對樂樂發脾氣，因為樂樂那天悖逆我；接著， 我當然電郵給力斌來趁機罵他。

LL certainly has the flaws from you in that he cannot be as truthful as he is expected to. When asked of something, he gives whatever answer that comes convenient to him while ignoring the foundation of trust and respect for the person who’s asking him the question.

樂樂遺傳了你的缺陷，他該坦白直言時，卻沒 坦白直言。問他事情真相，他只隨便搪塞一下；他 沒想到與人對問之時，雙方都該以互相的信任及尊 重為基礎。

I know he has his strengths, but he could be more successful and welcomed by others if he is more frank.

And, I definitely would not want him to keep this bad trait of yours in being evasive (which is nearly insulting to others).

我知道樂樂的長處在哪兒。可是如果他能做個 更坦白誠實的人，他就更能被人接受而更成功。我 是百份之百不願意樂樂保有你這種含糊、不老實的 作風。這對旁人就是一種侮辱！

Meanwhile, let’s see how you could entice him in corresponding with you and Conner via email.

另外，我看你有多大本領，使他開始與你和他 堂弟多通電郵。

14

15