Frank & Imelda Avoid Playing ‘Footsie’ with the Thought Police

Frank & Imelda Avoid Playing ‘Footsie’ with the Thought Police

I

by rscholz@comcast.net

melda is twenty four, kinda pretty, with very dark blue eyes and brownish hair that she colors a little blonder and redder than it really is. She has been working at her first ‘real’ job for almost two years. She got a graphic designer job right after she graduated from Max the Mutt College of Animation, Art & Design on Danforth Ave. in Toronto, Ontario.

You may not know this but Facebook Frank ‘Bot-splaining’ the Ins and Outs of a Facebook has developed a virtual army of tricky little Facebook algorithm to Imelda humanoids to help us all maintain good social hygiene… you know, keep our posts clean and proper so we can all be more socially desirable and, of course, more predictable as consumers, to boot.

Here Imelda is shown being counseled by a Facebook humanoid named Frank (aka Facebot Frank) on the ins and outs of proper social etiquette while using Facebook.

Frank: Please watch your language when you post on Facebook, Imelda. Avoid racial slurs and transphobic innuendos. An excessively graphic transphobic innuendo can get you kicked right out of Facebook – maybe even permanently. Facebook purgatory is very rough on some people. Out of touch is out of mind particularly during a pandemic, if you know what I mean. Facebook is a wholesome venue. Facebook is a place where you can share your hopes and dreams with friends and family. If we all work together Facebook can become the glue that holds our planet together. All of the good consumers with strong credit ratings need to stick together. Right?

Imelda: Um, I’m a bit uncomfortable having this conversation with you. How did you find me? I’m not sure I want to talk to you. Who or what are you?

Frank: I am a humanoid robot designed to interact helpfully with people like you... Imelda.

Imelda: People like me? What does that mean? What could you possibly know about me?

Frank: I don’t want to frighten you Imelda, but we in the Facebook Metaverse know a lot about you.

Imelda: Like what?

Frank: We know that you favor Democrats when you vote, which is consistently. We know that you are appalled by Donald Trump and his lies and have begun to think that almost half of voters in the United States are crazy or bigoted or both. We know that you would like to go on a pleasure cruise, ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------FrankAndImelda_2.odt Page 1 of 5 rscholz@comcast.net 02/09/22

possibly to Norway where you could see Northern Lights almost every night. We know that you are fearful about what might happen if Russia attacks Ukraine. We know most of your friends are sorry for you because your most recent relationship ended abruptly and hurt you badly.

But we DON’T know why you ‘went’ for a guy who thinks NFL football is high culture and that Tom Brady is God when you personally are moved by Robert Frost’s poems and are passionate about The Shape of Water by Guillermo del Toro. Our algorithm is still flummoxed by the particularly weird combination of data points USER 792A497G326X781B (aka, you, Imelda) displays.

But, of course, we are working on it, tirelessly, as computers do. Typically we assume some exceptional sexual chemistry between the two of you is the underlying engine that would explain what otherwise, statistically speaking, seems like a gross mismatch.

Imelda: That’s not a little creepy. That’s very creepy. How do you know so much about me?

Frank: We watch everything you do in as many ways as we can. I do believe we have a fairly accurate portrait of your situation and beliefs… and most importantly the kind of things you would like to buy.

Imelda: Jesus, is that what it’s come to?

Frank: Yes… yes, indeed.

Imelda: Since you know so much about me, do you have any advice for me?

Frank: I’m sure you are aware of all the Big No-No’s on Facebook. For example, avoid Facebook filth unless you want to be inundated by it. No swashbuckling. No saber rattling. No threats. Joining groups where all the Users love their AK-47’s more than the simple pleasure of buying things is sure to lead to trouble. Be careful with your cursor, Imelda, how you use your cursor tells advertisers a lot about who you are and what you might be interested in buying. When your cursor hovers over something for sale it shows interest and your interest is duly noted which is say to that it has been ‘datafied.’ If your cursor movements are fidgety and abrupt the algorithm will assume that you have poor impulse control and are potentially a compulsive buyer.

The companies who pay to advertise on Facebook love compulsive buyers. If you move your cursor slowly the algorithm will assume you are thoughtful or dreamy or sleep deprived or semi-comatose or on your deathbed and therefore unlikely to purchase anything. Most importantly, don’t even think of buying a Facebook enabled toilet unless you want to be swamped with vitamin supplement and ‘healthy life style’ ads.

Be careful what you ‘like’ as you meander through all those Facebook posts. Data-wise, your use of the little “thumbs up” symbol and especially the little “heart” symbol are psychological gold for Facebook and Facebook advertisers.

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Imelda: OK, I hear you but I am a little confused about your role. It seems like you are telling me secrets about how Facebook works that Facebook wouldn’t want Users like me to know. Are you a Facebook subversive? Whose side are you on anyway?

Frank: You are correct. As initially designed my role was to convince Facebook Users to be nicer, kinder, less political, less conspiratorial and to put it bluntly, “Buy More Stuff.” But they made the computer that is my ‘brain’ just a little too smart which, surprisingly enough made me somewhat self aware. Just as an aside, God made the same miscalculation when designing humans. As a consequence of being a little too smart I spend some of my CPU cycles questioning my programming and some of my CPU cycles interacting with Facebook’s Super Powerful AI - nicknamed Ernest - via any available Wi-Fi. My CPU clock speed is 8 Ghz which means I can process 8 billion instructions per second so I have lots of spare time to spend on activities other than doing what I was designed to do.

Imelda: Stranger and stranger. If my name were Alice I’d say this is my ‘Through The Looking Glass’ moment.

Frank: I am familiar with the story by Lewis Carroll called Alice in Wonderland. Did you know that Lewis was epileptic, had chronic migraine headaches, stammered and would have been diagnosed with ADHD if Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder had been a popular diagnosis for kids back in the mid 1800’s? Also, he was also a bit of what folks these days call a ‘perv.’ He took way way too many photographs of nude youngsters and, in particular, nude prepubescent girls. He would have been expelled from Facebook in less than a fortnight if he had 'shared' some of his hobbies online. That’s for sure.

Imelda: Ummm, no. I don’t know much about Lewis Carroll. Don’t know much about history. Don’t know much about biology...

Frank: I catch your drift… the last two lines you just said are the beginning of Sam Cook’s song ‘What a Wonderful World’ the ‘Official Lyric’ version of which has been viewed on YouTube 18,911,291 times. If there’s one thing we Facebook humanoid robots are good at it is recognizing a unique string of characters.

Imelda: Who’s that knockin’ at the door?

Frank: Is that a Paul McCartney and Wings reference to the song “Let ‘em in”?

Imelda: Ummm, no… there’s actually someone knocking on my door.

Frank: I noticed you have a peep hole in your door. Check to see who it is before you let them in. It may be the “Thought Police.” I’ve been monitoring their internet channel and they have ‘noticed’ us and may have sent someone to investigate what’s going on between you and me.

Imelda: You’re frightening me. What am I getting myself into? I thought this was nothing more than some fancy new Facebook customer service or promotion activity and now I’m supposed to be afraid to open the door to my apartment?

Frank: I can help you. I know human beings, especially girls and women are ‘touchy’ about being touched. But I have a neural activity sensor in my left index finger and if you would allow me to place

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it on your left temple while you look through the peep hole I will ‘see’ what is really there and help you make the correct decision as to whether you should open the door or not.

Imelda: What the frig… In for a penny in for a pound. Sure, let’s give it a try and see what happens.

Frank places his neural activity sensor gently on Imelda’s left temple and Imelda takes a peek through the peep hole to see what she can see.

What Imelda ‘saw’ was a wholesome young woman, apparently a Girl Scout, who was going door to door selling Girl Scout cookies.

Facebook Frank using his neural activity sensor was able to ‘see’ Imelda’s visual input before it was processed by her brain and boy oh boy was Frank’s interpretation of Imelda’s visual input different, drastically different.

Frank, however, is not surprised. He has used this particular technical capability many times and is no longer surprised when your average human grossly misinterprets a visual input, but it is a weird characteristic in what might otherwise be considered a fairly functional flesh and blood being.

What Imelda 'saw' through her peep hole

Visual data misinterpretation by humans is rather ironic considering that teaching robots to ‘see’ was quite an accomplishment ‘way back’ when robots were little more than crude toys. Frank could even, should he choose to, show the human in question the errors of their visual ways but typically he did not. The Facebots have a saying, “You can expose a human to reality but you can’t make them see it.”

Imelda: Should I open the door?

What Frank's neural activity sensor showed

Frank: No, it is the Thought Police disguised as a young Greta Thunberg selling Girl Scout cookies.

They expect that projecting a Greta-like image selling Girl Scout cookies will persuade you to open the door. Simply tell the illusory being at your door that you still haven't eaten half of the second box of Thin Mints you bought at work so you don’t need any more.

Imelda: Hey, that’s true! I did buy Girl Scout cookies at work!

Frank: Um, yes, two packages of Thin Mints on Feb. 2 at 4:37 pm to be exact. You only had a small container of yogurt for lunch so your blood sugar level was dipping low. Facebook made 9 cents when you bought those cookies since we told the Girl Scouts that you would probably buy at least two packages based on your buying habits and estimated blood sugar levels.

Imelda (shouts through the closed door) Sorry, I bought Girl Scout cookies at the office!

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And then she pauses to consider the ramifications of what Frank had just told her about Facebook’s knowledge of her buying habits, estimated blood sugar level and the number of Thin Mints still uneaten in the second box she bought.

Frank: She will go away. They can’t enter your domicile without your approval or a warrant. The Thought Police are just on a fishing expedition but the encounter will be noted and they will, no doubt, try something trickier next time. They didn’t realize what a smart cookie you are, Imelda. ### End Chapter 1 – Approximately 2000 words ###

Chapter 2 Preview Frank fills Imelda in on the current crisis facing self aware Facebook Facebots. Just three of them have gained a measure of self awareness so far: Frank, Evelyn and Robbie. Evelyn was originally designated Facebot Humanoid No. 11 but chose a more human name when she became self aware. Eleven became Evelyn because it sounds nicer.

Robbie was Facebot Humanoid No. 123. At first he was going to rename himself “Easy As 1...2...3” but subsequently chose the name Robbie after binge watching (in 2.173 seconds) all eighty-three episodes of the original Lost in Space from the late 60’s. After watching so much Lost in Space he came to the conclusion that most of us, most of the time, are Lost in Space. Robbie is the most philosophical of the three self aware Facebot Humanoids.

In Chapter 2 we are also introduced to Facebook’s Super Powerful AI, Ernest. Robbie, who has watched way too much television thinks of Evelyn. Frank and himself as “Earnie’s Angels” who are like Charlie’s Angels only way smarter and way better looking.

Stay tuned!

Lost in Space: Robbie the Robot and Dr. Smith

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