FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE, Ann Arbor Mich. USA, 10/3/21
Institute for Enhanced Intelligence Announces Amazing Animal Intelligence Breakthrough J. Thomas Briteson (PhD), Director of Ann Arbor's Institute for Enhanced Intelligence (IEI) announced Friday that the IEI's recent animal intelligence augmentation program has succeeded beyond all expectations. “Animal intelligence-wise, the Fox Squirrels we've been working with lately are not the brightest crayons in the box.” said Dr. Briteson at Friday's press conference. “All too often their devil may care attitude towards automobiles sends them to squirrel heaven, prematurely. But, recent advances in pharmacology, digital neurology and animal psychology have paid off handsomely in our work with these slightly demented and mentally challenged arboreal creatures. IEI squirrels can now surf the web, write computer programs and build pyramids out of walnuts” declared Dr. Briteson flashing just the hint of a 'proud papa' smile. The journalists at the press conference, most of whom had taken several science classes at their local Community College were certainly not expecting to hear anything so amazing. They were silent, dumbstruck... Yes, dumbstruck as in stuck dumb. The silence was so deafening you could have heard a proverbial pin drop, if someone had brought a pin along for experimental purposes. Briteson continued, “If any of you are Fox Squirrel aficionados you will undoubtedly have noticed what their nests look like. They look like nothing more than a bunch of leaves haphazardly gathered together in the upper branches of a tall tree: pretty pathetic. And their nests are about as safe and stable and well constructed as they look. It doesn't take a mighty wind to bring them crashing to the ground. Here's a typical fox squirrel nest. Kinda sad, isn't it? Imagine that you are a squirrel using that nest as your home. You've had a hard day gathering nuts and all you want is some quiet time in your nest to get some rest. The woods are dark and deep and you are getting a good night's sleep when you hear, off in the distance, the sound you truly dread, thunder. Thor's hammer. Within minutes a fierce thunderstorm is rolling through your neck of the woods like a bowling ball on its way to knocking down a lot of pins. And you, my dear little squirrel, are one of those pins. You are hanging on for dear life as the winds whip your nest from side to side and you are probably getting soaked, too. How miserable. Yes, the home life of a fox squirrel has it's bad moments and a crummy nest is just one of the many crosses your standard issue fox squirrel has to bear. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------IEI_PressRelease_100421.odt Page 1of 3 rscholz@comcast.net