Disposal of Radioactive Sludge Perplexes Fukishima Sewage Plants

Journal of Serendipitous Simultaneities & Coinky-Dinks

Disposal of Highly Radioactive Sludge Perplexes Fukushima Sewage Plants

B

ack in the good old days, the Sewage Plants of Japan (SPOJ) would gather weekly at a local watering hole (Ye Olde Litter Box was our alltime favorite) to discuss the ins and outs of the sewage processing biz.

Those were fun times.

“Do your best and to hell with the rest,” was our motto. We’d gather together, hoist a few and shoot the shit. Ah, the good old days… if you’ve never seen a Sewage Plant get well and truly pissed, you’ve really missed something unforgettable.

One of my favorite sewage plant buddies came from Fukushima, we all knew him has “Fukey.” Fukey was really funny when he got a little slopped. Influent

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jokes, effluent jokes, he had a million of ‘em and it only took a couple of high octane scumbusters (aka “Earthquake Cocktails,” a potent mixture of absinthe, whisky and gin) to get Fukey going.

A humorous sewage plant story always starts the same way, “You wouldn’t believe what somebody flushed down the toilet…”

A humorous sewage plant story almost always starts the same way, “You wouldn’t believe what somebody flushed down the toilet…” followed by fifteen minutes of hilarious hijinks and shenanigans with a cast of characters that would often include snakes, turtles, goldfish and even

baby alligators. And each of these characters came swooshing into the story via a two-finger comode salute.

Those were good times. Then came the megathrust earthquake of 2011 and the consequent tsunami that hit the Tohoku region on the east coast of Japan. This devastating tsunami raised holy hell with the nuclear power plants in Fukushima.

When Fukey came in to Ye Olde Litterbox today we could tell he was a sewage plant in trouble. There was definitely something odd about his appearance. He was flushed. He had a glow on before he’d even had his first scumbuster.

“I’m in for it now, boys!” said Fukey as he plowed through the crowd of

Journal of Serendipitous Simultaneities & Coinky-Dinks

sewage plants and plopped himself down at his favorite place at the bar. “I’ve handled toxic sludge before, but never Radioactive Sludge, I’ve got to tell you I’m perplexed!”

Chinese sewage plants in very high esteem.

The other half had been Japanese financial regulators before becoming sewage plants

“You can’t handle radioactive sludge, Fukey, don’t even try,” I said, “the contamination problem is insurmountable.

As Fukey pounded down his first scumbuster, a chorus of inebriated sewage plants chimed in with all kinds of ecologically inappropriate and potentially dangerous advice on how to handle radioactive sludge.

Half of the sewage plants recommended making a deal with some shady Chinese sewage plant - a “bent” sewage plant who would, with a wink and a nod, "take care of” the sludge - for a small fee.

Taking care of the sludge, no doubt, by pouring it in a river upstream from some Chinese peasant village with minimal cell phone coverage. It should be noted that Japanese sewage plants don't hold

pause in the general commotion so I took my opportunity to give Fukey my two-cents worth on how to deal with his glowing sludge problem.

Radioactive sludge contaminates everything it touches. But this is your lucky day,” I continued, “that radioactive sludge has commercial value.

Don’t clean it up, pass it on! and argued that the best way to solve the problem was to pretend it didn't exist.

At one point the din became so loud that I decided it was time to heed nature's call and drain the lizard.

When I got back from my trip to the loo, there was a momentary

Check this out – the LEGO® HERO FACTORY®! has character called Meltdown and his weapon of choice is a Radioactive Sludge shooter! Package that radioactive sludge in lead containers and send it to the new Lego factory in the Czech Republic.

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Journal of Serendipitous Simultaneities & Coinky-Dinks

With the interstellar adaptability, goes with popularity of Lego the territory you might Heroes, radioactive say. sludge is sure to be in short supply in the As I left the bar Mekronite Planetoid ...radioactive sludge is sure Belt,” I said across to be in short supply in the the noisy bar, “and you might make a Mekronite Planetoid Belt,” I pretty penny!” said across the noisy bar,

“and you might make a pretty

That did the penny!” trick…now that Fukey had a plan he Fukey was already on went from feelin' his second scumbuster perplexed to feelin’ no and halfway through a pain in 60 seconds flat dirty alligator joke that sewage plants are had the other sewage known for their

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plants laughing in their beer.

So that’s the story of the perplexed sewage plant from Fukushima – if you want to hear more, join us on a Friday night at Ye Olde Litter Pan – there’s only one rule of etiquette when hangin’ out with sewage plants, never, I mean never, wrinkle your nose and say,

“Does something smell funny in here?”