Living with Anxiety

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Living Anxiety

Living with Anxiety Emma Dardis

Copyright © 2021 Emma Dardis All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission from the copyright owner except in the case of brief quotations in critical articles and reviews.

Book design and Illustrations by Emma Dardis

Dedicated to my friends and family. I would have never grown into the person I am today without their love and support. Special shout-out to Anna for editing this book and Andrew for always believing in me.

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Contents

9 Preface 13 Introduction 15 Defining Anxiety 23 Everyone is Different 29 What You Don’t See 37 Break the Cycle 45 Remedies 61 Take Control 67 Conclusion 68 Bibliography

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Preface

Listen: I’m not your doctor, I’m not your therapist, and I’m definitely not your mom. However, I am a human living with anxiety. Which, I have decided, makes me qualified to write a book. I have experienced it all; panic attacks, therapy, shitty doctors, meditation, you name it, it’s all played a part in my journey. But don’t get me wrong, I have not conquered anxiety.

Even right now, as I write this, I am feeling the pressure of completing the momentous task of creating this book. I am no professional, I’m in art school for crying out loud. So, to take some of that weight off my shoulders, I leave you with the idea to picture me as your friend who loves to give unsolicited advice.

Occasionally, what I have to say is great but most of the time it does not apply to the conversation we are having. Take what you need from this book and leave what you don’t. I am simply sharing my own experiences in the hopes that they can help guide you. If nothing else, you can at least relate to the endeavor of living with anxiety and maybe laugh at a few of my jokes.

Preface • 9

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Part One What is Anxiety?

An Unnerving Roadmap • 11

12 • Living with Anxiety

Introduction

“I’m anxious.” A famous line from myself which, if you knew me, you would hear quite often. I could be standing in line for groceries or working on a term paper, it doesn’t seem to matter.

The little bastard known as anxiety creeps out of nowhere just to torment me. I’m sure you can relate, while you may not be constantly announcing it to the world. If the phrase, “I’m anxious” has scrolled across your mind at some point in time, well, do I have a great book suggestion for you. It’s this one, the one you are currently holding and reading. Your new bible for surviving the hell that is anxiety.

Grabbing this beginner’s guide is a great first step in your anxiety journey. I’m not an expert, merely a young adult suffering from the same problem as you. Relaying information that has helped me, I am here to make your experience a little easier. I provide comic relief, while also bringing to light eye-opening mindsets. The best part? You get to enjoy my amazing illustrations. If this book sounds like something you are interested in, let’s go ahead and get started.

Introduction • 13

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Defining Anxiety

It seems straightforward—anxiety. The poster child of mental illness. It is talked about all the time, but not necessarily in the way that recognizes the severity of the issue. Misunderstood, anxiety is surrounded by stigma, repeatedly joked about, and used in the wrong context. Everyone has heard of anxiety, but do they even recognize if they themselves are suffering from the disorder? A lot of the time, the answer is no. The misinformation and reputation of anxiety leaves those struggling with it ignoring or misidentifying the symptoms they are experiencing.

Sneaky little bastard. Understanding anxiety is the first step to overcoming the disorder. Ensuring you learn the basics of anxiety, this first chapter will help you interpret how anxiety works and why you may be experiencing it in your life.

Defining Anxiety • 15

What is Anxiety?

You may be wondering, what is anxiety? We’ve already established that you have some experience, but it is different for everyone. For me, anxiety is that gut-wrenching pit of uncertainty in my stomach. That one intrusive thought repeating in the back of my head. It is worrying about something I can’t even grasp. To be frank—it’s a bitch. There is a wide scale of severity and symptoms in which anxiety inhabits your body and mind. Which is part of the reason it is hard for people to register that they live with this feeling every day.

In its most basic definition, anxiety is that worried feeling you get when you are in a state of stress. So, what’s the difference between feeling stressed and having an anxiety disorder?

According to Sheryl Ankrom, MS, LCPC, it comes down to two things; how often you are experiencing it, and the causation of your anxiety. Let’s say you were about to give a big presentation and start feeling those butterflies in your stomach, this would be considered stress. However, if you are losing sleep from overanalyzing your performance a whole week later, this would be considered anxiety. Or in my case, a sucker-punch of unwarranted worry while quietly waiting at the grocery checkout, probably anxiety.

The unnecessary continuation of stress is what turns into anxiety. Ankrom States, “problem anxiety… tends to be chronic and irrational, and it interferes with many life functions... problem anxiety may lead to or reflect an anxiety disorder”.

Next time you catch yourself biting your nails because your mind went to the worst-case scenario, take note of it. It is important to recognize the different levels of anxiety, especially when they

16 • Living with Anxiety

seem out of control. Too much of it for a continuation of time can lead to living with the disorder.

No need to start freaking out if this hit a little too close to home. Anxiety is completely normal and actually can be considered fundamental because it protects us from the dangers that surround us (Ankrom). However, as explained by the author of the book Owning It, Caroline Foran, we don’t live in the Stone Age anymore, constantly surrounded by the threat of a wild animal attacking us. Yet our brains still function similarly to how they did back when we were hunters and gatherers (19-21).

Which explains why our brains still throw up that big red flag at the sudden bang of a door being closed too abruptly.

Defining Anxiety • 17

We are wired to stay on edge. This is known as the “Fight or Flight” response. I don’t want to confuse you, so I am going to break this technical part down the best I can. Anxiety has a direct link to your nervous system, which can be broken into the sympathetic and parasympathetic. When your brain perceives a “dangerous” moment (rational or irrational) it sends signals to your sympathetic nervous system which responds by releasing stress hormones such as adrenaline and cortisol (“Understanding the Stress Response”). These hormones will, essentially, allow you to go into superhuman mode and fight or flee from “danger.” Even if your brains’ idea of a “dangerous threat” might just be facing a snarky teenage grocery clerk.

The problem here is that your parasympathetic nervous system, also referred to as “Rest and Digest,” is not important at all in the face of danger. Meaning that your body does not give it any attention if your brain is still on high alert (“Understanding the Stress Response”). Facing a grizzly bear is not the time to go into a food coma. However, the parasympathetic system is very important to your body’s ability to function. If someone is chronically stressed their body won’t relax, meaning the parasympathetic nervous system won’t get back up and running.

Because the parasympathetic system doesn’t get it’s time to shine, the constant stress can cause both short-term and longterm health issues (“Understanding the Stress Response”). This means that while anxiety is an important part of the way we function as people, it is not sustainable to our health to let our anxiety take control of our lives. Okay, we made it through the scary science part. That wasn’t too bad, right?

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You don’t have to control your thoughts. You just have to stop letting them control you.

— Dan Millman

Defining Anxiety • 19

Development and Types of Anxiety Anxiety has two extremes. There is either a very clear answer to why it’s looming in your body (grizzly bear) or no apparent indicator at all (grocery store). As someone who has been suffering from anxiety since I was a child, I don’t remember the specific moment it started. From the outside, my parents saw me as a perfect do-no-wrong angel. Okay, maybe that’s a bit of an exaggeration, but I was still pretty damn good. Anyway, the reality of the situation was that the idea of breaking the smallest rule made me want to crawl out of my skin. I was so quiet, my mom could take me with her to work as a toddler.

Plus, I could not tolerate sleeping over at even my closest friend’s houses until about middle school (even then it was rough for me). You could say anxiety is just built into my personality.

Which I recently discovered, is a real thing. Based on an article

by Mina Brandes, MD, and Joseph Bienvenu, MD, Ph.D., certain personality types are more likely to develop an anxiety disorder (267). Personality is not the only factor though, as genetics, and life-events also play a big part in a person’s mental make-up.

There are two types of people who are most likely to develop an anxiety disorder: those who experience some sort of traumatic life incident and those who have anxiety-prone genetics or personalities (Shri 102-104). There doesn’t need to be a defining moment when someone’s anxiety starts. These different causations play into the various forms of anxiety.

A couple anxiety disorders people could develop include, generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), panic disorders, and phobia disorders (Shri 104-105). I myself suffer from a generalized anxiety disorder. Which can be boiled down to

20 • Living with Anxiety

anxiety caused by general stressors experienced in everyday life (“Generalized Anxiety Disorder”). Which explains my inability to leave the grocery store without doing at least one round of breathing exercises However, someone doesn’t need to have a disorder to still be experiencing anxiety. Those who lead extremely busy and stressful lives are also known to commonly battle with this feeling, this is often known as high-functioning anxiety (Cuncic, “High Functioning Anxiety”). The most infamous example of people who might be suffering from this sort of anxiety would be college students. Unfortunately, with the set-up of schools today, anxiety is extremely common among students. With almost no breathing room between tests and projects, the daily continuation of stress makes students almost certain to experience constant worry (Shri 102). The workplace is another petri dish of stress. Especially, when people are working in fastpaced, deadline-driven jobs.

Defining Anxiety • 21

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Everyone is Different

I have lived a life full of uncertainty, but the one thing I can be sure of is my anxiety. Hopefully what I have shared so far about my personal experiences has brought some awareness to your own lives. The definition for anxiety is vague because there are several different types of anxiety disorders. Not to mention that anxiety in general is something most people feel with or without a diagnosed disorder. This chapter will focus on how anxiety manifests within people. Along with the effects it has on both your physical and mental health. While also discerning the importance of seeing your anxiety as a valid emotion and not a burden to those around you.

Everyone is Different • 23

What Does Anxiety Look Like?

Anxiety can rear its ugly head in many ways. So, how does one even identify their anxiety? Some anxiety symptoms are obvious.

For example, that general nervous feeling. I know you all have felt it before, that familiar unease of that bastard lurking in your body. The inability to focus because you are so uncomfortable.

Yeah, that’s anxiety for you. But, what if I told you stomach pain, hot flashes, fatigue, or shortness of breath are also markers of anxiety (Shri 101). Yeah, all pretty vague indistinct symptoms that one might not necessarily associate with the disorder - and that’s only the start. The symptoms are so all over the place, that there are actually lists of diseases with identical markers to anxiety. These include IBS, asthma, and congestive heart failure, just to name a few (107). This makes anxiety very easy to mistake for another disease. So yeah, not to freak you out, but anxiety can sometimes disguise itself, meaning your doctors’ prognosis might not always be right. It’s important to look for these other markers of anxiety to ensure you are getting the right treatment. I’m here to help you learn about these things and provide insight into how anxiety affects the way you feel both physically and mentally.

It’s funny thinking back to my childhood and realizing that my doctors were totally unaware of my anxiety residing in my stomach. All of my adolescence, I lived with stomach issues.

In and out of the doctor’s office frequently, my mom and I were always faced with the same flat answer, “she’s just got a sensitive stomach.” I always had a hunch that there was another reason, but 10-year-old me shook it off pretty fast. What can I say? I had monkey bars to go swing on. Looking back now as an

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An Unnerving Roadmap • 25

adult, and for the most part not distracted by monkey bars, I am pretty certain that anxiety was the culprit for that mystery.

Now, I see the correlation between when I am feeling anxious and when I feel sick. Which is an important self-analyzation of myself that has helped me to better understand my personal experience with anxiety.

I guess you could say I have outgrown parts of my anxiety.

However, I do feel that the little bastard has decided to find new places to live. One of the biggest symptoms I experience now is shortness of breath. It’s like having a 20lb weight dropped on your chest and getting the wind knocked out of you. If you have ever found yourself suffering from vague symptoms like this for no apparent reason, it wouldn’t hurt to do a little selfanalyzation and then talk to a doctor.

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Your Anxiety is Valid Whether you suffer from a disorder or are simply going through a stressful time in your life, it is good to keep in mind that your anxiety is natural, and your experience is perfectly valid.

Something I don’t necessarily hear outright, but I tend to feel, is that others don’t quite “get me.” I know, I know, that sentence alone gave away my Aquarius need to be different. What I mean is that people don’t always know how to act when I start getting upset because of my anxiety. They don’t understand why I am crying about something that hasn’t even happened. That’s just how anxiety works. Until you are experiencing it for yourself, it doesn’t seem like that big of a deal. What is just a drop in the bucket to someone else, can feel like the end of the world to me.

This, unfortunately, leads to me feeling like a burden to those I turn to for support.

What I, and most people, want from a community is validity. I want my friends and family to reassure me that what I am feeling is normal and that I am not crazy. However, as nice as it is to be validated by others, it is most important to validate yourself first.

Accepting your anxiety for what it is, protects you from playing victim to its torment (Foran 67). Your anxiety is real and that is okay. This might seem like a small idea to note, but nothing is worse than sitting there, already in distress, adding to the pain by judging yourself for how you feel. Validating your feelings is crucial in accepting your anxiety.

Everyone is Different • 27

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What You Don’t See

While not glaringly obvious to those who do not suffer from anxiety, there is a stigma attached to the disorder. It tends to be something you feel more than you see. Nonetheless, it is very apparent in our society and doesn’t seem to be going anywhere any time soon. Meaning that those with anxiety suffer from more than just the disorder. They also must combat the defining label of living with a mental illness. This chapter will focus on the portrayal of anxiety through the media and our culture. Then, it will analyze the direct effect that has on those suffering from the disorder. Finally, this chapter will reassure you that you are most definitely not alone.

What You Don’t See • 29

Overcoming Stigma Drowning in stigma, anxiety is characterized as weak, irrational, unstable, and a joke. I could go on, but I think you get the point.

These ideas have been portrayed to me since I was a child.

Growing up, one of my favorite movies was Walt Disney’s, The Little Mermaid. Let me give you a brief explanation of the characters for those who have never seen the film. Ariel, the main character, has a best friend named Flounder. While Ariel is cool, calm, collected and ready for adventure, Flounder is a worrying, nervous killjoy. I understand that this is a cartoon with emphasized personalities. It’s okay for a character to display anxiety as a trait. However, It becomes a problem when that trait is their whole personality. Not only is the anxious character used as a joke, but they are also implying that anxiety is the only personality trait of that person. This burdens those struggling with anxiety with the label of being overly sensitive, and negative. As a child, I can remember not liking Flounder because I thought he was annoying. Unconsciously, this idea of connecting anxiety and being that unlikeable character has stayed with me to this day. I often worry about coming off as annoying to people or being too pessimistic, resulting in me being quiet and privately suffering.

These stereotypes of sensitivity and negativity surround anxiety. Not-so-subtle references are abundant through movies, TV, and media in the 21st century, and these concepts have been comfortably adopted into our society. This social adaptation to the characterization of anxiety afflicts shame on people with the disorder. Judging someone solely for their mental illness, especially when there is so much more to people, is cruel. This

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stigma is damaging the way people with anxiety see themselves.

People don’t want to be immediately judged as the walking stereotype of mental illness, and it contributes to the difficulty of accepting it within yourself. It is important to dismantle this reputation and the way to do that is by recognizing and addressing the misconceptions in society’s assumptions.

While it may be hard to accept, the reality of anxiety is not what is portrayed by pop culture. It is not something to be ashamed of. One of the most disappointing stereotypes that I have seen associated with anxiety, is the idea that those who have it are weak. People may assume that you can’t handle reality or are too sensitive just because you are more likely to react negatively to a stressful situation. I would argue that people who have anxiety are the strongest people I know. Those suffering from a mental disorder know just how much work it

What You Don’t See • 31

takes to get through the day. They are doing two times as much to fit into the standards held by our society. We live in a world where mental disorders are not taken into account as something people live with. Our culture prioritizes work and money over mental and physical health. This leaves people suffering from anxiety constantly feeling the need to prove themselves. Every day is a battle when trying to fit into a world where everyone is expected to conform to the mold of perfectionism. Not only does someone with anxiety get ready for the day by getting dressed, making breakfast, and starting their commute, they also are fighting back the demons of their mind. These negative voices convince them they are going to be late or make them perpetually worry about the chance that they forgot something.

It is exhausting. The amount of mental strength you need to get through the day is tremendous. Having anxiety does not make you weak. Don’t let having an off day or slipping up break your spirit. If anything, I say be proud of your anxiety because it means you are tough. You are climbing a mountain with extra weight on your shoulders, and I admire your tenacity.

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You Are not Alone About 1/8 of the world’s population suffers from some form of anxiety, making it one of the most common mental disorders around the world (Shri 100). That means you, yes YOU, have no excuse to believe you are going through this alone. I know the black hole of negativity sucking you inside when you start to feel uneasy. It’s easy to single yourself out as the only one suffering because you don’t know what the people around you are going through. This might surprise you, but most of the time, you can’t see anxiety. Many people put on that mask of “I’m fine,” even when on the inside, all hell is breaking loose. The image associated with anxiety by movies and TV shows is not reality.

People are not walking around hyperventilating at the smallest inconvenience (even if they are feeling that way inside). This idea plays into the negative connotations around anxiety. Just think about all the ways that you conceal your anxiety from others.

Using myself as an example, I have had numerous internal panic attacks in social situations, like class or even game nights with friends. Later, I would confess to some only to be informed that they had no idea. *Cough * I’m still waiting on my Oscar for those performances by the way *cough.* Getting back to the point, just because those around you don’t wear their anxiety on their sleeve does not mean you are isolated in these experiences.

Remembering that everyone has that little bastard sitting in the back of their head, oddly brings peace to the situation. If you are ever finding yourself feeling alone or with no one to talk to, an option like group therapy or an online support group might be a great outlet. You are in no way abnormal and you are most definitely not alone. Don’t be afraid, reach out to people.

What You Don’t See • 33

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Part Two How to Manage Anxiety

An Unnerving Roadmap • 35

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Break the Cycle

One of the most important steps you can take in your mental health journey is to start looking at your anxiety from a different point of view. A new mindset where you can accept your anxiety for what it is. It may seem like a huge step, but even just acknowledging your anxiety can help in this process. Without recognizing the problem, it will never be solved. Which can turn into an endless cycle of suffering. To break out of this loop you must take that dreaded first step into the unknown and look your anxiety in the eye.

In this chapter, We will focus on why you should accept your anxiety and how that is a key part of your mental health journey.

We will also discuss one of the practices you can incorporate into your daily life to become more self-aware of your struggles. In turn, both of these mindsets will set you up to be ready to start deliberating the best treatment option for you.

Break the Cycle • 37

Accepting Your Anxiety Ah, the practice of accepting oneself. Seems easy right? The idea of self-love and acceptance is blasted on social media today, but the actual practice is not as simple as checking a box off your todo list. Especially, when it feels like pinning a scarlet letter to your chest. Accepting your anxiety is scary because that means it’s real.

It isn’t a phase or something that will pass, it is chronically with you. I struggled with this concept for a long time and only came around to accepting my anxiety in the last couple of years. But, in this time, I have experienced immense inner growth and change.

In early high school, I began to notice my anxiety. It started off small, holding me back from going to a friend’s house or asking a teacher a question. I didn’t see it as a big deal and continued on with my life. Over time, I noticed dramatic changes in my anxiety.

I found myself having unprovoked panic attacks and searching for any way possible to avoid unfamiliar social situations, yet oddly, I still didn’t accept it as a problem. I just turned it into a joke. I became known by my friends for suffering from anxiety but tried to make the situation less serious by making it funny. For some reason, in my mind, if it was a joke, then my struggle wasn’t real.

But, remember that whole chapter where I went over why we even experience anxiety in the first place? Anxiety is there to help us, not hurt us. When you start to look at your anxiety as your body trying to help you instead of hinder you, it makes it a lot easier to break out of it’s cycle of torment. (Foran 113-114). Yes, it can get out of control and yes it most definitely is still a little bastard. All I’m saying is, don’t be ashamed of your anxiety because it is an instinctual human response, and you are doing your best.

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“Take chances, make mistakes. That’s how you grow. Pain nourishes your courage. You have to fail in order to practice being brave.”

—Mary Tyler Moore

Break the Cycle • 39

Self-Analyzation Hopefully, some pieces of your own puzzle have started to fit together. If not, well, that is also okay. Understanding your anxiety is a journey, meaning it takes time and patience. You aren’t going to figure everything out on the first day. After leaving my first therapy appointment, I was disappointed that I didn’t have some major breakthrough, magically making the little bastard disappear. That’s the thing, there is no miracle cure that will take all your problems away (Foran 2-3). I hate to break the news, but your anxiety is always going to be part of you. It’s just about making that part smaller and more manageable. A doctor is not going to fix all your problems, it is up to you to do the research and discover what is causing your anxieties so you can better understand yourself.

One of the most nurturing things you can do when you have anxiety is to give it attention. That might sound backwards as most people think ignoring their anxiety is the way to go. But, here’s a secret, ignoring the problem doesn’t make it go away.

I’m proposing that you investigate yourself. Really notice, learn, and examine what you are feeling when you experience anxiety.

Practicing mindfulness, which I will discuss later in the book, will help you. Once you have a basic understanding of what anxiety is and the many ways it can manifest within you, it is much easier to control. No one knows you better than yourself, so there is only so much I can do to guide you. However, this simple task of studying yourself and your reactions can provide much more insight than I or any doctor could.

A good practice while analyzing yourself and your anxiety is to identify your emotional triggers. Notice each anxious moment

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and then write it down. Sometimes, even the smallest thing can completely set you off. It’s easy to miss in day-to-day life, but when you collect multiple pages showcasing your distress, a pattern will begin to appear. Over the years, I have become very aware of certain situations that immediately sent me into panic mode. These circumstances are sometimes unavoidable.

However, it is good to be aware of them so you can mentally prepare yourself beforehand. For example, I used to think I had really bad test anxiety, which is not necessarily wrong, but after some self-analyzation, I became aware that the environment of complete silence was the match that was lighting a flame to my unease. Unfortunately, I can’t exactly ask my teachers to blast Folklore by Taylor Swift during a test. Once I became cognizant that the silence was causing me anxiety, I was able to take control. Self-aware, I began looking at those situations in a different mindset. Instead of breaking down, I would regulate the feeling by completing breathing exercises before and during tests to help ease the stress.

Break the Cycle • 41

Healthy Practices When starting your treatment excursion, prioritize making smart and informed decisions. Falling into unhealthy coping mechanisms is easier than you think. One of my lowest points was my Junior year of high school. I found myself experiencing constant stress at school, extracurriculars, and even at home.

This nonstop misery was putting my body through hell. With my anxiety presenting itself through my stomach, it was making me feel sick all the time, which only triggered me further. I convinced myself the only solution to this problem was to not eat before and during school. However, due to the lack of food in my system, I found myself passing out in the hallway and throwing up in class. In the moment, I brushed these experiences off because I didn’t know how else to comprehend the seriousness of the situation. Honestly, I only recently realized how bad the situation was in college.

This example goes to show how trying to control anxiety can easily make you sacrifice parts of yourself. Healthy methods of treatment and coping are essential in ensuring that you are managing your anxiety safely. If you are struggling with this, talk to a trusted healthcare professional and discuss healthier coping mechanisms.

Once you find a treatment method that works, it’s essential to give it your full commitment (Foran 147-148). Admittingly, this is my biggest flaw. Which has proved to be a problem in steadily controlling my anxiety. Practicing mindfulness just enough so that I feel good is my forte. Then I get distracted, forget about my routine until eventually, the raging bastard that is my anxiety comes back to fight again. This is an endless cycle of

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torment that has been hard for me to break, and one of my most apparent roadblocks with managing my anxiety.

Consistency is key when it comes to treatment, so don’t look at me as an example for this lesson. I really jumped around with my approaches to the disorder. Going from one extreme to another, I was never consistent enough with any treatments to reap their full benefits. This is partially related to being unknowledgeable about my treatments, but also not fully accepting my anxiety. It’s easy to stop tending to the problem when you notice that the big dark cloud of impending doom has passed. You think, “oh I’m cured!” But as I stated before, there is no miracle cure. That cloud may have passed, but this is about controlling the whole storm. There will always be another cloud, but consistent work will help lighten the rainfall.

Break the Cycle • 43

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Remedies

We have discussed what anxiety is, how it functions, and how it manifests within you. Now onto the fun part, managing your anxiety. This is the action phase of your journey. There are many different methods to help control the disorder, whether that is through medication or simply a new mindset. This is where your research and self-analyzation come into play. I highly encourage following the remedies in the order they are listed. Start off slow, focus on self-care and mindfulness. Then if necessary, move onto therapy and then to medication. I just want you to be sure that your treatment is the right choice for you. Working your way through the remedies starting with the least intense to the most will help you learn what you need to put your anxiety at ease. It’s all about what feels good for you. Be intentional, listen to your body, and advocate for your own needs.

Remedies • 45

Self-care A fundamental habit to form when you have anxiety is proper self-care. I know this seems obvious, but self-care tends to be the first thing thrown out the window when anxiety takes the wheel. No matter which way you choose to treat your anxiety, self-care should always come first. That is why I highly prioritize routine. A routine helps me feel in control of my life by letting me accomplish my self-care practices while also tending to all my other responsibilities.

By the way, when I say self-care, I mean extremely basic practices. No, not bath bomb and face mask self-care - actual, genuine care for yourself. Such as getting enough sleep and eating nutritious meals. I know I’m not the only one guilty of losing sleep to finish homework or picking up fast food to save time on cooking. These seem like great alternatives to ease stress in the moment, but in the end, they hurt you more than they help you.

I have grown to love and crave healthy foods because they make me feel good. Not to mention that according to Dr. Fionnula McHale, 90% of your serotonin lives in your stomach, meaning that what you eat can make a big difference in your mood (qtd. in Foran 200). I also may be mocked for my early bedtimes, but the thing is, I know my body and I know what feels good for me.

When I am well rested and nourished, I am in a good mood, which greatly diminishes my anxiety and stress. You can’t leave a plant in a closet, never water it, and expect it to flourish. Just like that mistreated plant, you need to take care of yourself in order to grow. Making decisions like sleeping enough, eating nourishing foods, and taking the time to prioritize basic care is key. Without these foundations, it is difficult to progress in your anxiety journey.

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There are many other self-care habits that you can bring into your life to help control your anxiety beyond these core practices.

One of my least favorites would be *dramatic pause* exercise.

Going on a run is probably at the bottom of the list of things I want to do. The good news is, McHale, claims that running and other high-intensity exercises are not always the best for managing anxiety. Consistent low-stress exercises, such as yoga, are much better for managing stress as they help bring your overall levels of cortisol (stress hormone) down (qtd. in Foran 203-204). I have to admit for someone who hates exercise, I love yoga because it’s a mixture of both exercise and meditation. Each yoga session is like a reset to my body and mind, making it one of my favorite morning rituals.

Remedies • 47

Another practice that can be extremely rewarding for those who have anxiety would be mindfulness. I have mentioned the idea of mindfulness throughout this book and it’s certainly a modern buzzword. But, what the hell does it even mean? You hear the word a lot when researching methods for controlling anxiety, but you hear less about the core idea of the concept.

According to Gina Biegel, MA, LMFT, “mindfulness is noticing your thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations in the present moment without harmful judgment” (2). Mindfulness exercises are great to help put your mind at ease and are often recommended to help ground someone experiencing a panic attack. The biggest and probably most well-known mindfulness practice would be meditation. I love meditation, it is the practice I go to the most to help with my anxiety. Meditation has this magical power of letting your brain rest, which for someone with anxiety never seems to happen. Now, I’m no expert on the practice, so I usually enjoy doing guided meditations. There are many free resources out there on YouTube, but another one I recommend is the Headspace app. There are also a multitude of mindfulness exercises you can do on your own.

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“Anxiety happens when you think you have to figure out everything all at once. Breathe.

You’re strong. You got this. Take it day by day.”

—Karen Salmansohn

Remedies • 49

Grounding Techniques Grounding techniques are one of the many approaches people can introduce into their lives to eliminate unwanted worry and stress. These tools are great because you can do them independently if you are experiencing distracting or persistent anxiety. They are also good to practice consistently to help tame your anxiety long-term (Foran 147-148). The following is a list of techniques I use to ground myself. This is a little more personal to what I know works for me, so try and make a list for yourself to refer to when you find something that works for you.

• Listen to music • Go outside • Exercise • Journal • Talk to a friend

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An Unnerving Roadmap • 51

Anxiety Exercises Along with grounding techniques are many exercises specifically meant for controlling haywire anxiety. The following are the two that I turn to the most to help me get back on track, however, there are many that you can find online as well. These exercises are my own personal practices but have been inspired by a combination of sources I have consistently gone to for guidance.

Including; Yoga with Adriene on YouTube, the Headspace app, and the books Owning It by Caroline Foran, and Be Mindful & Stress Less by Gina Biegel. Similar to my grounding techniques, these exercises are useful in keeping your overall levels of stress regulated, even if you aren’t experiencing overwhelming anxiety in the moment.

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Breathing Exercise To get started, place yourself in a comfortable seat and relax your body. I like to close my eyes when I do this, but you can also keep them open. I want you to imagine a square. Each side of the square will represent the time you give to your breath. Slowly take a deep belly breath in through your nose and start to imagine a line climbing up the side of the square for four seconds. Hold at the top of the breath and imagine the line continuing across the top of the square for another four seconds. Slowly exhale through your mouth for four, still imagining that line as it drops down the other side. Then, hold for four again at the bottom of that breath as the line crosses back to its starting point. Imagine, you are breathing the stress out of your body. Even verbally making a noise as you exhale can bring a calming effect. You can be forceful about it, but try not to be tense. On each exhale soften your body further and allow yourself to sink into the earth. Continue this cycle until you start to feel yourself settle down.

Mindfulness Exercise Wherever you are, stop what you are doing and take a moment to begin recognizing your environment. Gradually wipe away lingering thoughts and begin to sense what is around you, notice how you really feel. Focus on each five of your senses. Pick out as many objects as you can for each one. For example, for sight, I notice my computer, my desk, my water bottle…and so on.

Give your full attention to this moment here and now. Continue to wipe away any intrusive thoughts that pop into your mind.

Proceed on to what you can feel, hear, smell, and taste. Continue the practice until you feel calm.

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Therapy It wasn’t until college that I started to seriously explore anxiety treatments. This would be my first time attempting a treatment method that didn’t involve medication. With a little research under my belt and a little more understanding of my anxiety, I decided to go to therapy. My experience with therapy can be described as “lackluster.” That doesn’t mean it was bad, it had more to do with the fact that traditional talk therapy is just not my jam. As someone who struggles greatly with expressing my emotions it gets to a point where, sometimes, I am not even aware of what I am feeling. Every time I would go into therapy, my therapist would start the session by asking how I’ve been.

But, I could never think of a single thing to discuss with her. I could have been robbed, lost my dog, or fallen down the stairs the night before and my mind would still be blank. 24/7 there is a tornado of thoughts spinning through my head. Until someone asks me how I’m feeling. Then, all of sudden, my brain goes radio silent. It’s not surprising that I didn’t get much from my experiences with this type of therapy.

However, I have great interest in trying more integrative therapies such as art therapy or Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT), both of which employ more activity-based approaches and objective work that would help me explore my mind in a different way, rather than just talking. According to Arlin Cuncic, MA, CBT is a very popular choice in therapy for anxiety because it has proved to be effective in more than just one type of anxiety. Through CBT you work on analyzing your thought patterns and focus on what is causing your anxiety. You then learn techniques to combat anxious thoughts and tendencies

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from interfering with your life (Cuncic, “Therapy for Anxiety”).

Art therapy, while not studied as much, is another helpful approach to anxiety. The great thing about this type of therapy is that it does not rely on vocal communication. Instead, it focuses directly on art to help you work through your difficulties (Cuncic, “Therapy for Anxiety”). If you find your grounding techniques and other anxiety management practices to be particularly hands-on or introspective, these therapies might be good options for you as well.

Therapy is a tool that has been proven to be highly effective in helping people manage their anxiety (Cuncic “Therapy for Anxiety”). Finding the right therapy can be tricky because you don’t know what works for you until you try it out. I only discussed three, but there are many different types of therapy.

A simple Google search and you will be presented with any type of therapy you could possibly think of. Along with the different types, who you have as your therapist is important too – they also have different personalities. Another issue I found through my experience, is that my therapist never seemed to push me deeper, making a lot of our sessions surface-level. As someone who struggles to explore the depths of my mind, I now know that I need a therapist that will bring this out in me. That’s not to say she was bad, I am positive that there are plenty of people that would have gotten a lot out of her soft, kind nature. But, it just goes to show that therapy is trial-and-error. There is no harm in continuing to test out the waters until you find that perfect fit. I wouldn’t give up on therapy if your first time around wasn’t perfect. There is a wide variety and you really have only gotten a small taste of what’s out there.

Remedies • 55

Medication I started receiving treatment for my anxiety around the age of 15. My alleged childhood shyness turned quickly into what was obviously anxiety. I don’t remember the specific timeline of talking to doctors about my issue, but I do remember my story not being taken seriously. As an awkward teenager suffering from anxiety, this probably was the worst way a doctor could have reacted to my plea for help. Subconsciously, I absorbed this reaction into my own way of thinking about the problem. If my doctor doesn’t think it’s a big deal, then I shouldn’t think it’s a big deal. Even though I was suffering, I did my best to ignore the problem. I would have panic attacks sitting in class for literally no reason, but no need to worry, right? After visiting my doctor again, and emphasizing the issues I was having, she decided to hand me a sheet of paper bearing 10 questions on it. They were straightforward, asking me, “how often would you say you feel nervous in a day?” or “how often do you worry that something bad is going to happen?” You know basic anxiety questions.

I finished and handed the test back to her. “Yup, you have anxiety,” she responded. I thought to myself, “yeah bitch, that’s what I’ve been trying to tell you.” Of course, I didn’t dare say that out loud. I was talking to a “respected” healthcare professional.

Surprised, I questioned if this was really the way that doctors are diagnosing people with mental disorders. BuzzFeed quizzes ask more questions than that. I was disappointed, to say the least.

She decided to prescribe me an antidepressant to control my anxiety. I was happy to finally receive something that could help me. After some time taking the medication, I began to realize it was not for me. The anxiety disappeared, don’t get me wrong, but

56 • Living with Anxiety

so did every other emotion. I felt like a robot. My grades started dropping and all I wanted was to be alone. Feeling like an empty shell, I didn’t care about anything. So, what did I do? Probably the worst decision someone on medication for their mental health could do. I stopped cold turkey. DO NOT DO THIS. Seriously, doing that is extremely dangerous. At the time, I did not know this because I was so misinformed about everything surrounding my anxiety. This is me telling you if you are on an antidepressant or another medication for mental health do not abruptly stop. There are methods you can follow to safely ease off of the medication.

You should also always discuss weaning off your medication with your doctor before making any sort of executive decision.

Stopping cold turkey can be extremely damaging to your mental health and can cause people to feel suicidal.

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Getting back to my story, I made a poor decision in stopping my medication, but I didn’t know what else to do. Seeing myself from the outside quickly spiraling into a depressive state, I saw it as my only way out. Going back to the doctor again, my situation was met with more negativity. I explained to my doctor my reasoning for stopping the medication but was given a confused response. She acted as if my reasoning wasn’t valid and then continued to talk badly about me to the nurse, right in front of me. Feeling stupid for recognizing how my body felt, the train wreck that was this interaction influenced me to retreat back into my little cave of anxiety ignorance.

I should note that not all doctors are like this. There most definitely are fantastic doctors out there who are super understanding and helpful. I’m not saying to stop going to the doctor. After all, they are the ones who went to school for a million years to be able to give you the help you need. Just please note that there are doctors like this out there. If you are ever feeling disrespected or invalidated, it is important to advocate for yourself and find a new doctor. In the case of anxiety, going straight to a psychologist can be life-changing.

I know that was a long and mostly negative story about anxiety medication. However, I don’t want my ordeal to put it in a bad light. Just because I had a bad experience does not mean you will.

Especially, if you are at a point where you have tried everything else, and nothing seems to be working. If it is of interest to you, there is no harm in talking about the possibility of starting with a psychiatrist. I would, however, recommend that if you choose to take medication, that you also stay in consistent contact with your therapist, doctor, or psychiatrist to ensure you are supported throughout your treatment.

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“Some days, doing ‘the best we can’ may still fall short of what we would like to be able to do, but life isn’t perfect—on any front—and doing what we can with what we have is the most we should expect of ourselves or anyone else.”

—Fred Rogers

Remedies • 59

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Take Control

I would like to congratulate you for getting to this point of the book, as we are now moving on to probably my favorite section. We are going to focus on some ways that you can take control of your anxiety. Other than finding remedies to tame your anxiety, there are mindsets that can help you take charge as well. This is my favorite section because we get to focus on why the topic of anxiety does not need to be super depressing, there actually are positives as well. These mindsets and practices are some of the biggest reasons I have been able to accept my own anxiety.

We will discuss the ways your anxiety can help you in your daily life. As well as, examine why you should use your anxiety as a marker to push yourself further. In the end, this chapter is all about taking everything you have learned about yourself and applying it to your life. I hope that the mindsets discussed in this chapter are as eye-opening for you as they are for me.

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Learn How Your Anxiety Can Help You Believe it or not, there are many ways in which your anxiety helps you. I know how this sounds but bear with me. I use my anxiety to help me every day. Naturally, I am quite lazy when it comes to schoolwork. The majority of the time I can’t find anything I would want to do less, other than maybe go on a run. My anxiety makes sure that I get shit done. Relying on my anxiety lets me know when it’s time to start working and when it’s okay to give it a rest. Without that little bastard whispering the idea of failure into my ear, I’m not sure I would ever turn something in on time. It keeps me in check which is super helpful because pretty much everyone around me sees me as a hard worker. Which I guess I am, but not by choice. If I had it my way, I would be kicking back with pizza every night catching up on some mindless TV. But no, my anxiety makes me a responsible member of society. Anyway, while my anxiety sucks for so many reasons, it is the driving force behind my strong work ethic. I am reliable because my anxiety is reliable.

Not only can I depend on my anxiety to get me to start my work, but it also ensures that I am creating quality work too. I suffer from so much unwanted perfectionism, that I literally find myself re-reading and re-checking assignments I submitted weeks ago (as if I could fix them after the fact). While in the moment, this feeling is not the best. I have to admit, it is nice to know that when I am working, I am working to the best of my ability.

While those are just two examples of what my anxiety has given me, there is a hell of a lot more too. Another small one is that I will never be late for anything. You would not believe the number of times I have found myself awkwardly waiting in my car before an

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appointment. The point is that while this might seem negative in context, it has also been beneficial for me. Reframing anxiety this way has helped me to accept it as well. In the end anxiety is there to help you. Sometimes it misses the mark, but you should thank your anxiety for these occasional benefits. I know that there are others out there experiencing the positive side effects of the disorder as well. Even though anxiety sucks the majority of the time, you have to admit, it’s not all bad

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Don’t Let Your Anxiety Hold You Back We have covered a lot in this book, but if you only take one thing away, please don’t let your anxiety hold you back. Anxiety easily makes you feel uncomfortable. But embracing that feeling is one of the best things you can do. Without having those experiences that make you uncomfortable you are never going to grow as a person. If I could go back in time and do all the things that anxiety prevented me from, I totally would. Throughout high school, I consistently denied myself the opportunities to try new things.

Joining the softball team crossed my mind, but one comment about how much commitment it was, and the idea vanished.

Same experience about joining the yearbook club, one awkward meeting, and again I was scared away. Socially anxious, I feared all the bad outcomes of even trying. Even though it felt safe in my bubble, I regret it, severely. Looking back now, I know those experiences would have been enjoyable if I gave them a chance.

When my senior year of high school came around, I realized just how little I had done over the past four years. Seeing that my time was running out, I told myself to try every opportunity that came my way. Surprisingly, sticking to that promise, I loved that year so much. Yes of course I still experienced anxiety, but that was inevitable. Why not make the most out of your life? So many good memories have stuck with me from my senior year. New experiences are scary, but that’s what’s great about them. Once you get past that wall of fear you begin to realize that maybe it wasn’t so scary, to begin with. Those realizations are important because they allow you to register that not everything needs to be intimidating. I concluded during college, that if something scares me, do it. Those experiences are always the most

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rewarding. I beg you to not let your anxiety keep you in a prison.

There is so much world out there that your anxiety is hiding from you. Not to sound super cheesy, but once you start to explore more you will learn that you can do anything. I just don’t want anyone else to find themselves regretting not doing something because their anxiety scared them off. It may not be easy, but it is so worth the risk.

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Conclusion

I have to be honest, your journey with anxiety is probably going to suck a lot of the time. It’s not going to be a straight line. In front of you lies a path of ups, downs, twists, and turns. It will be filled with trial and error, and most definitely a few slip-ups.

However, know that with each day you will be getting closer to the person you want to be. You are learning so much about yourself and growing every step of the way. Giving your anxiety the time and attention it is begging for will help you manage the little bastard in the end. One day, you will find yourself realizing that anxiety does not control your life anymore. Know that while anxiety is a part of you, it does not define you.

Writing this was a whole journey of my own. I have learned so much about myself from parts of my story that I had forgotten.

Believe me, I am nowhere near the end of my course. This whole time I’ve been giving myself the same pep talks I gave you. There is so much still to learn, but I have also become aware of just how far I have come.

Conclusion • 67

Bibliography “101 Anxiety Quotes to Help You Get through and Lift Your Spirits.” Parade, 16 Feb. 2021, parade.com/951718/ parade/anxiety-quotes/.

Ankrom, Sheryl, MS. “How to Tell the Difference of Having a Disorder or Normal Anxiety.” Verywell Mind, 5 Jan. 2021, www.verywellmind.com/is-it-normal-anxiety-or-an Anxiety-disorder-2584401.

Biegel, Gina M. Be Mindful & Stress Less. Shambhala Publications, Inc., 2018.

Brandes, Mina, and O. Joseph Bienvenu. “Personality and Anxiety Disorders.” Current Psychiatry Reports, vol. 8, no. 4, 2006, pp. 263–269., doi:10.1007/s11920-006-0061-8.

Clements, Ron, and John Musker. directors. The Little Mermaid Walt Disney Pictures, Walt Disney Feature Animation, Buena Vista Pictures, 1989.

Cuncic, Arlin. “The Best Types of Therapy to Treat Anxiety.”

Verywell Mind, 30 June 2020, www.verywellmind.com/ anxiety-therapy-4692759.

Cuncic, Arlin. “What High Functioning Anxiety Feels Like.”

Verywell Mind, 18 Nov. 2020, www.verywellmind.com/what- is-high-functioning-anxiety-4140198.

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Foran, Caroline. Owning It: Your Bullsh*t-Free Guide to Living with Anxiety. Hachette Books Ireland, 2017.

“Generalized Anxiety Disorder.” Mayo Clinic, Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research, 13 Oct. 2017, www. mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/generalized-anxiety- disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20360803.

Shri, R. “Anxiety: Causes and Management”. The Journal of Behavioral Science, Vol. 5, no. 1, 1, pp. 100-118, https://so06. tci-thaijo.org/index.php/IJBS/article/view/2205.

“Understanding the Stress Response.” Harvard Health, Mar. 2011, www.health.harvard.edu/staying-healthy/ understanding-the-stress-response.

Bibliography • 69

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