the issue about cats 9*15
Š Unless otherwise noted, the copyright for all parts (photographs, texts and illustrations) as well as for the whole design is reserved by myself.
CAT noun
A cat is a furry creature, with claws. Can get annoyed if you stroke him/her too much. Cleans itself. Knows how to catch its food. Likes to lay around a lot, sort of like a couch potato. Usually quiet and knows where to use the bathroom. (What they are really doing is coming up with ways to take over the Earth while still retaining humans to make that yummy cat food for them.)
Time spent with cats is never wasted
Sigmund Freud
Why own
a cat? unknown
There’s a danger you know. You can’t own just one, for the craving will grow. There’s no doubt they’re addictive, wherein lies the danger While living with lots, you’ll grow poorer and stranger One cat is not trouble, and two are so funny, The third one is easy, the fourth one’s a honey The fifth is delightful, the sixth ones’s a breeze. You find you can live with a houseful, with ease. So how ‘bout another? Would you really dare? They’re really quite easy, but Oh Lord, the hair! With cats on the sofa and cats on the bed, And crates in the kitchen, its no bother, you said. The housekeeping suffers, but what do you care? Who minds a few noseprints and a little more hair? So let’s keep a kitten, you can always find room. And a little more time for the dust cloth and broom. There’s hardly a limit to the cats you can add the thought of a cutback, sure makes you feel sad. Each one is special, so useful, so funny, The food bill grows larger, you owe the vet money. Your folks never visit, few friends come to stay, Except other cat folks, who live the same way. Your lawn has now died and your shrubs are dead, too. Your weekends are busy, you’re off with your crew. The sofa is hairy, the windows are crusty. The floor is all footprints, the furniture’s dusty. Is it worth it you wonder? Are you caught in a trap? Then that favorite comes up and climbs in your lap. His look says you’re special and you know that you will Keep all of the kittens in spite of the bill. Some just for showing and some just to breed And some just for loving, they all fill a need. Late evening is awful, you scream and you shout At the cats on the sofa, who refuse to get up. The cats and the cat shows, the travel, the thrills The work and the worry, the pressure, the bills. The Whole thing seems worth it, the cats are your life. They’re charming and funny and offset the strife. Your lifestyle has changed, things just won’t be the same. Yes, those cats are addictive and so’s the cat game!
Cats have it all: admiration, an endless sleep, and company only when they want it.
Rod McKuen
30 Facts
about Cats
01 The word CAT refers to a family of meat-eating animals that include tigers, lions, leopards and panthers. 02 A female cat may have 3 to 7 kittens every 4 months. 03 You can tell a cat’s mood by looking into its eyes. 04 Cats must have fat in their diet because they can’t produce it on their own. 05 Cats respond most readily by names that end in an ‘ee’ sound. 06 Kittens remain with their mother till the age of 9 weeks. 07 A cat is pregnant for about 58-65 days. 08 A cat taken far from home can return to it. But if a cat’s owner moves far from its home, the cat can’t find him. 09 Cats have true fur, in that they have both an undercoat and an overcoat.
16 Cats have 30 teeth (12 incisors, 10 premolars, 4 caniners and 4 molars) 17 Cats sleep 16-18 hours per day. 18 Cats respond better to women than to men. 19 A cat can live 20 or more years but the average life span of a domestic cat is 14 years. 20 Cats with white fur and skin on their ears are very prone to sunburn. 21 Cats take between 20-40 breaths per minute. 22 A queen (female cat) can begin mating when she is between 5 and 9 months old. 23 The cat has 500 skeletal muscles. 24 A cat can not see directly under its nose. This is why the cat can not seem to find titbits on the floor.
10 A cat can jump 7 times as high as it is tall.
25 When your cat brings home a dead mouse or bird, it may do so to show you that you suck at hunting.
11 Many cats cannot properly digest cow’s milk. Milk and milk products give them diarrhea.
26 Cats have inferior daytime sight, but during the night they need seven times less light than humans to see.
12 Almost 10% of a cat’s bones are in its tail.
27 The largest litter of kittens produced 19 kittens.
13 A cat can spend 5 or more hours a day grooming itself.
28 Eighty-eight percent of cats in the U.S. are spayed or neutered.
14 It is estimated that cats can make over 60 different sounds.
29 Only 24% of cats who enter animal shelters are adopted.
15 A tomcat (male cat) can begin mating when he is between 7 and 10 months old.
30 Cat owners are 17% more likely to have a graduate degree
my FIRST
love
‘It was only a cat’ But it was human enough to always be a great comfort.
"Blimchen" 1986
"Charel & Mickey" 1989
"Panther" 1994
"Miezi" 1988
"Lissi" 1981
"Susi" 1986
"Muckel" 1993
"Oskar & Felix" 1985
"Pheope" 1998
My darling Phoebe For 16 years you have been my companion and a true friend. Your presence in my life was a gift. I hope you enjoyed the time we spent together as much as I did. Who knows, maybe our paths will cross again somehow somewhere. And maybe this time I can be your cat and you my human? Purr in peace
rencontre
marcel
Je l’ai trouvé dans la pluie à la recherche de la chaleur. Il était assis sur la terre et il pleurait solitaire et abandonné. J’ai continué mon chemin et peu à peu la nuit enveloppait le petit être. Il ne restait que le miaulement répété dans ma tête Cette plainte que personne ne comprend, sauf moi.
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea Robert A. Heinlein
How to tell
if your CAT is plotting
to kill you
Bringing you dead animals
Throwing up grass
This isn’t a gift. It’s a warning.
Through this painful feeding and purging contest, cats prepare their minds and bodies for combat.
Staring Contests If you get caught in a staring contest wih your cat, do not look away. Looking away will signal to your cat that you are weak and an attack is likely to follow. Sprinting at light speed out of any room you enter When your cat does this, it’s actually a failed ambush. Kneading on you You may think it’s a sign of affection, but your cat is actually checking your internal organs for weaknesses. Hiding in dark places and watching you Your cat will often hide in order to study you in your natural habitat.
Sleeping on your electronics Humans have superior technology. Your cat knows this and will attempt to disrupt all communications to the outside world. Pawing at your face while you sleep Cats aren’t very good at smothering people, but this won’t stop them from trying. Excessive shoveling of kitty litter After using the litter box, your cat needlessly kicks litter around most of it ending up all over the room. This is practice for burying bodies.
CATalicious
The wonderful Izabella Markiewicz is not only a very talented Illustrator but she does like cats and that makes her even more likeable! Find (and buy!) some of her awesome work here: www.maedchenwahn.com Blog: www.maedchenwahn.blogspot.com Shop: http://maedchenwahn.dawanda.com
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25 great films featuring cats
Alien (1979) The Nostromo’s faithful mascot, Jonesy, excels at jump scares.
Hocus Pocus (1993) Behold Binx, the immortal result of the Sanderson’s sisters’ magical meddling.
Inside Llewin Davis (2013) The Coen Brothers’ forthcoming musical odyssesy features one of the most charming cats you’ll see in a while.
Friday the 13th, Part 2 (1981) A vintage – and often repplicated – kitty scare from the first of the franchise’s sequels.
The Godfather (1972) Ruthless mafia Don. Loves cats.
The Cassandra Cat (1963) In this strange Czech fable, a sunglasses-wearing cat is able to see humans in the colors of their ‘true states’.
The Cat froum Outer Space (1978) Aliens have landed on earth and are living among us. Case in point – a cat named Zunar-J-5/9.
The Lady and the Tramp (1955) Guaranteed to give many kids nightmares, the slinky, sinister Siamese of the Disney doggy romance.
The Aristocats (1970) Disney’s animated favorite features an alley cat coming to the rescue of some kidnapped rich kittens.
A cat in Paris (2010) In the Oscar-nominated feature, this enigmatic puss leads a girl on an adventure through the city.
The Sentinal (1977) Black and white cat, black and white cake.This odd ‘70s horror has the weirdest birthday party you’ll ever see.
Fritz the Cat (1972) Ralph Bakshi’s animated feature brought Robert Crumb’s iconic, lascivious cat to film.
Bell, Book and Candle (1958) Witch Kim Novak’ familiar, Pyewacket – who also enjoys causing strife for co-star James Stewart.
Frankenweenie (2012) Weird Girl’s furball has a peculiar – and smelly – way of portending doom.
Batman returns (1992) Magical cat restores Selina Kyle to life in Tim Burton’s Bat-sequel.
Harry and Tonto (1974) Art Carney won the Oscar as Harry. His pet Tonto went away empty-handed though.
American Psycho (2000) ‘Feed me a stray cat’. Don’t try it at home, kids.
Alice in Wonderland (1951) Of the many screen versions of Lewis Carroll’s shapeshifting Chesire Cat, Disney’s animated version ranks among the most loved.
Homeward Bound: The incredible journey (1993) Sally Field voiced Sassy, the feline membre of this intrepid trio.
Cat’s Eye (1985) This Stephen King-based film features a memorable duel between Drew Barrymore’s pet, The General, and a melavolent troll.
Sans Soleil (1983) Avant garde filmmaker Chris Marker’s masterpiece featured cats in many forms, he was a lifelong obsessive.
You only live twice (1967) Pet Sematary (1989) One of the memorable denizens from beyond the grave, in the cult Stephen King adaptation.
Breakfast at Tiffany’s (1961) Known only as ‘cat’, this naeless kitty is drifter Holly Golightly’s only real companion.
One of several appearances of Bond adversary Blofield’s famous lap cat.
Austin Powers (1997) Dr. Evil’s formerly fluffy friend looked a little strange after the cryogenic freezing.
thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten that.
and a FEW more
facts Yes, they are that interesting!
31 Cats are the most popular pet in the United States: There are 88 million pet cats and 74 million dogs.
45 A cat’s purr may be a form of selfhealing, as it can be a sign of nervousness as well as contentment.
32 There are cats who have survived falls from over 32 stories (320 meters) onto concrete.
46 Similarly, the frequency of a domestic cat’s purr is the same at which muscles and bones repair themselves.
33 A group of cats is called a clowder.
47 Adult cats only meow to communicate with humans.
34 Cats have over 20 muscles that control their ears. 35 Cats sleep 70% of their lives. 36 A cat has been mayor of Talkeetna, Alaska, for 15 years. His name is Stubbs. 37 And one ran for mayor of Mexico City in 2013. 38 In tigers and tabbies, the middle of the tongue is covered in backwardpointing spines, used for breaking off and gripping meat.
48 The world’s richest cat is worth $13 million after his human passed away and left her fortune to him. 49 Your cat recognizes your voice but just acts too cool to care (probably because they are). 50 Cats are often lactose intolerant, so stop givin’ them milk! 51 Basically all cartoon cats lied to us: Raw fish is off the table for cats as well.
39 When cats grimace, they are usually “taste-scenting.” They have an extra organ that, with some breathing control, allows the cats to taste-sense the air.
52 The oldest cat video on YouTube dates back to 1894
40 Cats can’t taste sweetness.
54 Female cats are typically right-pawed while male cats are typically leftpawed.
41 Owning a cat can reduce the risk of stroke and heart attack by a third. 42 Wikipedia has a recording of a cat meowing because why not? 43 The world’s largest cat measured 48.5 inches long. 44 Evidence suggests domesticated cats have been around since 3600 B.C., 2,000 years before Egypt’s pharaohs.
53 The technical term for “hairball” is “bezoar.”
55 Cats make more than 100 different sounds whereas dogs make around 10. 56 A cat’s brain is 90% similar to a human’s — more similar than to a dog’s. 57 Cats and humans have nearly identical sections of the brain that control emotion.
58 A cat’s cerebral cortex (the part of the brain in charge of cognitive information processing) has 300 million neurons, compared with a dog’s 160 million. 59 Cats have a longer-term memory than dogs, especially when they learn by actually doing rather than simply seeing. 60 Basically, cats have a lower social IQ than dogs but can solve more difficult cognitive problems when they feel like it. 61 Cats have 1,000 times more data storage than an iPad. 62 It was illegal to slay cats in ancient Egypt, in large part because they provided the great service of controlling the rat population.
70 Isaac Newton is credited with inventing the cat door. 71 One legend claims that cats were created when a lion on Noah’s Ark sneezed and two kittens came out. 72 A cat can jump up to six times its length. 73 A house cat is faster than Usain Bolt. 74 When cats leave their poop uncovered, it is a sign of aggression to let you know they don’t fear you. 75 Cats can change their meow to manipulate a human. They often imitate a human baby when they need food, for example. 76 Cats use their whiskers to detect if they can fit through a space.
63 In the 15th century, Pope Innocent VIII began ordering the killing of cats, pronouncing them demonic.
77 Cats only sweat through their foot pads.
64 A cat has five toes on his front paws, and four on the back, unless he’s a polydactyl.
78 The first cat in space was French. She was named Felicette, or “Astrocat.” She survived the trip.
65 Polydactyl cats are also referred to as “Hemingway cats” because the author was so fond of them.
79 Cats have free-floating clavicle bones that attach their shoulders to their forelimbs, which allows them to squeeze through very small spaces.
66 There are 45 Hemingway cats living at the author’s former home in Key West, Fla. 67 Original kitty litter was made out of sand but it was replaced by more absorbent clay in 1948.
80 Hearing is the strongest of cat’s senses: They can hear sounds as high as 64 kHz — compared with humans, who can hear only as high as 20 kHz. 81 Cats can move their ears 180 degrees.
68 Abraham Lincoln kept four cats in the White House.
82 They can also move their ears separately.
69 When asked if her husband had any hobbies, Mary Todd Lincoln is said to have replied “cats.”
83 A cat has detected his human’s breast cancer.
84 A cat’s nose is ridged with a unique pattern, just like a human fingerprint.
98 Cat people are also 11% more likely to be introverted.
85 Cats have scent glands along their tail, their forehead, lips, chin, and the underside of their front paws.
99 Cat people are 25% likely to pick George as their favorite Beatle.
86 A cat rubs against people to mark its territory. 87 Cats lick themselves to get your scent off. 88 When a family cat died in ancient Egypt, family members would shave off their eyebrows as they mourned. 89 They also had elaborate memorials that included mummifying the cat and either burying it in a family tomb or pet cemetery. 90 Cats were mythic symbols of divinity in ancient Egypt. 91 Black cats are bad luck in the United States, but they are good luck in the United Kingdom and Australia.
100 A cat’s carbon footprint is similar to that of a VW Bug, whereas a dog’s is more like a Hummer. 101 Cats are really cool. 102 They are also very soft. 103 Still, cat people are more open to new experiences than typical “dog people.” 104 Cat owners who are male tend to be luckier in love, as they are perceived as more sensitive. 105 In the 1960s, the CIA tried to turn a cat into a bonafide spy by implanting a microphone into her ear and a radio transmitter at the base of her skull. She somehow survived the surgery but got hit by a taxi on her first mission.
92 Most cats don’t like water because their coats do not insulate them well enough. 93 However, a cat called the Turkish Van does not have that insulation problem and LOVES it. 94 The Egyptian Mau is the oldest breed of cat. 95 This breed is also the fastest pedigreed cat. 96 The Egyptian word for cat is, in fact, “mau.” 97 Only 11.5% of people consider themselves “cat people.” www.buzzfeed.com
If cats looked like frogs, we'd realise what nasty, cruel bastards they are Terry Pratchett
22 Songs cats
1. Tom Jones What’s New, Pussycat?
17. The Cure All Cats Are Grey
2. Poison Look What the Cat Dragged In
18. Lady GaGa Shake Ur Kitty
3.
Peggy Lee The Siamese Cat Song
19. Sonic Youth Purr
4.
Janet Jackson Black Cat
20. PJ Harvey Cat On the Wall
5. Stray Cats Stray Cat Strut
21. Kristin Hersh SnoCat
6. Harry Chapin Cat’s in the Cradle
22. Elvis Costello Pads, Paws & Claws / Leave My Kitten Alone
7.
Johnny Cash Mean-Eyed Cat
8. The Cure The Love Cats 9. Elton John Honky Cat 10. Tokens The Lion Sleeps Tonight 11. Harry S. Miller The Cat Came Back 12. David Bowie Cat People 13. Survivor Eye of The Tiger 14. Spin Doctors Cleopatra’s Cat 15. Of Monsters And Men King And Lionheart 16. Yeah Yeah Yeahs Gold Lion
n to e t s i L lete p m o the c list on play cks 8tra
there is something about the presence of a cat that seems to take the bite out of being alone louis J. Camuti
Of cats & kids gioia
5
Get to know the photographer
11.
5 10
Which of the 5 senses would you say is your strongest? My sense of smell, which is a curse sometimes. A keen sense of smell is not only an important survival instinct, it is also a very useful tool to “read” people. For example a person who is stressed, under pressure, gives off a different smell as if they were just sweating from physical exertion for example. You can tell a lot of things from the smell of a person. If you don’t like the smell of someone, chances are there is a good reason for it. This person may not be trustworthy or you won’t get along with that person, because it just doesn’t click. You should always listen to your biological instincts, even if you cannot always explain why you feel the way you do. Our brain processes so much sensorial information so fast, that we often cannot comprehend why we “feel” a certain way. But in my experience, our senses are never wrong. It’s when we don’t listen to our senses that we make mistakes. Animals rely much more heavily on their senses. Cats for example are excellent judges of character, and I think it is very closely linked to their highly developed sense of smell.
13. What’s your favorite smell? Easy! My daughter. She smells delicious. I noticed that each cat has a distinctive smell as well, just as do humans. I remember my cat Phoebe’s smell very well, she always smelt a little like baby powder, which I found amusing. 21. Could you handle being in the military? No, I don’t handle authority very well if I don’t respect the person in charge. And I don’t handle authority very well :) Could this be the reason I’m a cat person, I wonder? I’m not a fan of the military to begin with, so I would definitely get in trouble on my very first day. Plus, camo clothing? Honestly... 42. If you could choose the future profession of your son or daughter, would you? Absolutely not. I always tell my daughter: Whatever you are, be a good one. As long as she’s doing what she likes, I will support her in any way I can. I just hope she never wants to go into politics :) 100. Do you have any obsessions right now? Yes, gardening! I never had a garden until we bought a house 3 years ago. And I really enjoy working in the garden because not only is it a great way to reduce stress after work, but it also gives you a healthy perspective, it brings you back to what’s real, and what, life is for, really: enjoying the little things, the here and now. A seed growing, the first ripe strawberry, a delicately perfumed rose! Being able to shape your garden and growing something is a great feeling. Our daily lives have become so complicated and everything gets so hectic and stressful, you lose focus so easily of what’s important. Living in the moment, that is so precious. Children do that instinctively. So do cats. They’re doing it right.
how
my cat sees me nadia
Bed Surveillance
Lots of strings
Where naggy sounds come from
Trampoline
Scratch post Scratch Post Laser maker Grabby things
Food dispenser Poop scooper Belly and ear scratcher
Bed
Scratch Post Scratch Post Nibbles
Nibbles
Do you need
a cat?
We know cats aren’t perfect, but here are the reasons they’re worth every hairball!
1.
Their purring is one of the most comforting and rewarding sounds on the planet.
2. They make the best cuddling buddies - and they don’t discriminate when it comes to species. 3. They’re litter-trained so “accidents”are virtually nonexistent. 4. Since they don’t need bathing, they are especially low maintenance. 5. Cats are independent, require little attention and are some of the least needy pets around. 6. Their athletic energy and agility makes playing with them all the more fun. 7. Cats are relatively small and take up less space than most dogs.
8. If you consider yourself a cat person, you’re likely to be more intelligent than a dog person. 9. You can leave a cat at home for the day (with plenty of food and water, of course) and never have to worry about their wellbeing. 10. Cats are curious creatures and can’t help but explore the world around them. 11. They’re protective by nature and get very attached to their owners. 12. Their life span is significantly longer than most other pets, averaging out at 14 years. 13. Cats are caring creatures and if you let them, they will go from house pet to family member.
www.huffingtonpost.com
it is every cat's sacred duty to be as annoying as possible while being completely endearing at the same time.
hypochondriac’s
notes
shrink All is not well in the life of Sara Moris. Her friends are in constant catfight mode, her dates end in panic attacks, her promotion went to somebody else and suddenly the only men she meets, seem to be “older”... Nothing a good therapist couldn’t fix in about an hour’s session or two. If only she just could get herself to make an appointment instead of writing notes to an imaginary doc! A serialized novel, part 7 the simps Follow the simps on twitter
Click here to read up on Sara’s previous adventures in the last editions of selfish. magazine! Hi doc. Still me. Still having a number of unidentified issues. Maybe this diagnosis thing isn’t so simple after all. Anyway after a weekend of curing yet another hangover – the girls had stayed past 5 am in the morning drinking, talking and reshaping the world’s existence – and not one but two family events, it wasn’t until Sunday night that I remembered that Sam Clerveaux was to start as Assistant Manager the following day. I think it’s safe to say that denial makes an effortless number seven on the list of symptoms, right? Curious to see how the new development would be welcomed and handled at the office I decided to be on time for a change. Even more curiously, I actually managed to do so. In honor of the new era, I even put on glossy black leather stilettos and the closest thing I owned to appropriate business clothing: a high-necked silk-crepe blouse in pale raspberry and a dark wool pencil skirt. Elevator mirror agreed. I was looking good. So did Jessica. When I stepped out of the elevator, she said “Hello Sara” in a voice that was partly salacious, partly flirtatious. It was her way of telling me she approved. I also strongly suspect that she likes to compliment me on clothes she would buy for herself, hoping it would install some kind of pavlovian reflex inside of me willing me to adapt my wardrobe to a more suitable style. Her style. As if. “Jessica” I responded coolly. There is one thing to be said about preppy attire, it gives you a certain edge. Before I could leave the lobby however I caught sight of the conference room where Henri Schumacher was deliberating with two other men. Contrary to Henri’s worn out checkered suit, that was a fashion crime when he or rather his wife bought it, the other two men looked themselves pretty neat too. It was safe to assume that Sam Clerveaux and an unknown guest had entered the premises. “Jessica”, I repeated smiling innocently while turning back around to the front desk. “There are a few clients that have failed to send in the paperwork I need to close their case files. Would you be so kind as to call
them? I could quickly brief you in my office?” I said. What I really meant was “Girl, we need to talk without various staff members listening in. You mind?” After all situations like this need to be analyzed from every possible angle. Again something Jessica appeared to agree with for she grabbed her note book and followed me to my cubicle. “You are wearing grown up banking clothes. And that blouse is only semi-transparent. Never thought I’d see the day.” She whispered while we passed the glass walls of the conference room with both Henri and his company in it. When he saw me he nodded his head while continuing with his speech. His hands suggested he was in full monologue mode. I couldn’t quite make out distinguishing features about the other two men as I saw only their backs but both seemed tall and in rather good shape. One had wavy dark hair and a svelte physique while the other seemed a bit more compact with short blondish hair. “Stop it.” I replied under my breath. When we arrived at my cubicle I continued “So, how is he? Did you get to talk to him already? And most importantly which one of them actually is Clerveaux?”, handing her a random file from my desk before I took off my coat and risked one last direct look in way of the conference room. “Both”, she said opening the file feigning interest in its content. “Surfer boy is Sam Clerveaux and he brought his older brother Jonas.” Contrary to Sam Clerveaux, Jonas Clerveaux’s reputation preceded him. In his early forties and regularly among paperJam’s Top 100 most influential figures in business, he was rumored to someday take over the family estate from his uncle Michel, CEO of First National, whose daughters both chose different careers. Married with kids, Jonas Clerveaux keeps a low profile for Luxembourg standards for not much else is known about him. His sheer presence however means nothing good for the plan Henri and I suspect to be in motion. Or did you escort your brother to his first day in a new job, doc? “Surfer boy? That fast, hein?” I replied trying to focus on the nickname Jessica had already come up with for our new boss without even consulting with me first. Apparently that’s contagious now.
“Have you seen the length of his hair?” She said somewhat bewildered. “It’s practically wild. Anyway, you haven’t missed much. They basically just arrived. Big boss is in a frenzy. He is wearing the ugliest tie I have ever seen. I think it’s new. And don’t even get me started on the suit. I think they made that one when Jacques Santer was still Prime Minister.” she continued.
I always find it hard to believe that it is possible for some people to so completely misjudge their own abilities. Specifically when there is absolutely no proof to support greatness, but all the more proof to the contrary
for some people to so completely misjudge their own abilities. Specifically when there is absolutely no proof to support greatness, but all the more proof to the contrary. “Then what?” “The phone rang. It was Lassner.” She said referring to one of our more important minority stakeholders. “He asks to talk to Siebenaler. I call him on Weber’s phone, suggest to put him through to his own office. But no, he wants to take the call there. They talk two minutes. Tops. He hangs up, then rips the phone out of the wall.” “NO!”, I gasped trying to visualize all the drama. “By then, it was 7:25. Other people started to come in. So, he picked up the phone from the floor and simply left.”, She continued.
“What else?” I asked. There probably wasn’t a lot of time before Henri would call us all in the conference room to introduce us to our latest staff member and I didn’t want to waste any more of it on Jessica’s unwarranted yet accurate fashion critiques.
“The office?” I asked.
“Siebenaler!” she stated breathlessly. So this is why she didn’t seem too troubled by the arrival of the two brothers. There was even bigger news.
“Then…” she started again when my phone rang. Through the glass walls, I could see it was Henri. Damn, this was just getting interesting. He asked me to come meet them in the conference room, then sought to speak to Jessica.
“I don’t understand.” I replied when she mentioned the department’s dinosaur. After more than 25 years at First National Christian Siebenaler’s seniority in our department was unquestioned. Unfortunately, it was about everything he brought to the table. “You will. He was the first to show up today. At 7.01. All smug, a cloud of Jean-Paul Gauthier meets cold coffee floating over his head. New tan. Straight into Weber’s office, sat in his chair, then got up, stood against a wall and put one foot in front of the other until reaching the opposite wall.” She said, then handed me back the file.
“The building!”, she clarified. “O.M.G.”. Total Chandler Bing moment.
“Showtime”, I mouthed handing the receiver over to her. My legs felt wobbly all of a sudden. Maybe I shouldn’t have worn these heels after all. I’m not a doctor like you, but I imagine patients have sprained their ankles for less. Yes?
I also understood why Jessica would describe his soft features as boyish but with his eager smile and his head wobbling approvingly, he reminded me more of a overstimulated
“He was … measuring the office?” I asked surprised while handing her another. “Sure was.” she answered pleased with herself now that this extra juicy piece of gossip was shared. She leaned back in her chair. The new file still unopened on her knees. “Why? He didn’t think? With his performance reviews? No!” I always find it hard to believe that it is possible
puppy. Hair included. When I opened the glass door to the conference room, Henri was still talking, still overusing his hands while doing it, looking more colorblind than ever. Jess was wrong. The tie was way worse than the suit. “… in real estate loans. Not only does she hold numerous records for the number of loans signed in a month, her clients also have the lowest rate of defaulted loans in the history of the department.” Great, he was talking about
me and over-sharing as always. If only I could convince him of how unnecessary that was. The talking me up bit, I mean. “Ah, gentlemen here she is. May I introduce you to Sara Moris?” He motioned me to step closer. “Sara, these are Sam Clerveaux…” pointing his hand at the man to his left. “Very nice to meet you.” Both of us said almost simultaneously, before we both chuckled nervously. His vivid brown eyes almost sparkled with relief while he shook my hand just a tad too enthusiastically. I immediately knew that I wasn’t the only one who had dreaded this moment and was pleased to see that he was not a younger version of his uncle as I had secretly dreaded. I also understood why Jessica would describe his soft features as boyish but with his eager smile and his head wobbling approvingly, he reminded me more of a overstimulated puppy. Hair included. So far, so good! I thought. A puppy I can deal with. Specifically, if said puppy exuded the same innocuous and virulenty positive vibe as Sam Clerveaux seemed to be doing. “… and Jonas Clerveaux.” Henri continued gesturing at the man on his right. “Hi”, I preferred to say this time, smiling and extending my right hand towards him. No response. At least not in words. The acknowledgement of my gesture was merely a slight rise of the right corner of his forced thin mouth. If Sam Clerveaux had turned out to be the good brother, then this one was definitely the bad brother. I instantly regretted my wardrobe choice. There I had to go up against a glacier of a person who couldn’t even extend me the courtesy of a proper handshake and I had left my most valued weapon in my possession in my closet: my personality. “I’m confused. Which one of you did we hire again?”, I added lightly when he finally decided that shaking my hand might not be the worst idea of the decade. What do you want me to say, doc? I had to make up for the fact that I looked like a diligent banker bee. We wouldn’t want the almighty Clerveaux’s to get the wrong first impression of me, now would we? “I see you are a real wise girl.” He retorted with a hint of a dry smile and atlantic blue eyes of deadly focus. He finally looked at me rather than through me. We made progress. Meanwhile nervous chuckles from Henri and Sam. Only bad brother still hadn’t let go of my hand. On the contrary he had laid his other hand on
top. So what if his surprisingly warm hands didn’t exactly feel repellent? They didn’t fool me. Not for one second did I consider this gesture to be anything other than it really was. A thinly veiled attempt at intimidation. “My brother Sam will join the ranks of First National. I work for Morgan & DeLuca.” He added with calm precision. His eyes cruelly piercing mine. “You’re an auditor? Haven’t we already complied with all of our obligations to the CSSF?” I replied willing my inner aggravation to present itself on the outside as something resembling control. Arrogant. Conceited. Condescending. Bastard. “You have”, he assured me. I know, smart ass. Everybody does. Now tell me why you are here. And while you’re at it, let go of my hand. You’re not that daunting. “Then how can we help you? Or did you decide to assist your brother on his first day on the job?” I replied. I could literally see drops of sweat form on Henri’s forehead as he gasped for air. He isn’t one for conflict, but when in Rome… “My brother is a grown man, he doesn’t need my help.” Jonas Clerveaux said quietly. Henri decided to defuse the situation in a different manner and called in the remaining staff that Jessica had already gathered outside. This did not seem to have any effect on my hand’s warden as he still looked at me, still did not move a single muscle on his face, still did not let go of my hand. He must be very good at poker. Uncomfortable was different. I instinctively knew that he wanted me to pull my hand away from his first. Sadly, for the both of us, I can’t walk just away from a challenge. Never have, hopefully never will. Even or especially when the challenge presents itself more as a declaration of war. So I did what I always do when I’m under attack. I showed my teeth and I smiled. I smiled my honest, friendly and open smile. The one that’s supposed to throw people off of their game, lull them in false security and keep them guessing as to what my real intentions could be. “Well, it’s a real pleasure to meet you, Sir” I added sweetly and with an intentionally ambiguous eyebrow rise. I turned my head just the tiniest bit to the right and vaguely hinted at what my lips would look like if pouted. It’s not cheap to pretend to be flirtatious doc, it’s only cheap if you really are flirting. And with the hand thing he kind of asked for it.
Overall rational people usually prefer to know where they stand and avoid situations they’re not sure they can control. So I did indeed expect him to retreat or change tactics when faced with apparent real interest from my side. It’s why I decided on this course of action in first place. I just didn’t expect it to work so damn fine. The guy looked downright frightened all of a sudden, dropped my hand and ignored me for the rest of that so called meeting. I briefly wondered if I should be offended, then decided against it. Knowing the Clerveaux’s reputation and ru-
Pissed. At the end of my patience. And cross.
mors of past transgressions throughout four generations, he was probably worried about another sexual harassment law suit. Or his wife. Or maybe both. And then there’s that bit in tactical warfare that says that fighting on two fronts is essentially suicide. So, I really couldn’t ponder over any of the Clerveaux’s – good or bad – because the IT department’s actions demanded my immediate attention. The culmination of technical evil was being rolled out the elevator and back into our now empty lobby by two uniformed helpers looking lost. I saw them before Jessica or any other members of the front desk did and for all of our sakes decided to intervene. It turned out that Steve from IT didn’t seem to be able to convey all the pressure I exerted on him on to the manufacturer of our master printer. According to the latter his machine was being fully functional. Any and all problems past were due to user ill-usage. My words. The manufacturer’s affront. Steve’s problem. It wasn’t until the very end of the phone call that I noticed that Jonas Clerveaux was putting on his trench coat within hearing range. I can’t know for sure how much of the conversation he had overheard but I suspect that he joined somewhere along these lines: “… which is why STEVE, if you think that pulling smithereens of paper out of the bowels of the beast with tweezers is standard procedure, that I see absolutely no reason why we can’t come to a mutual understanding. We, the technical ignorant, are going to keep your printers however impractical it may seem to you. Whereas you, the technical wizards, can deal with our printer. Should that two-faced monster work in your offices, well then congratulations, you just
received an important upgrade in your hardware. And should it not, well then I believe you will be able to compile enough evidence as to negotiate with your supplier. Resistance is futile, Steve. I already sent them up to your floor, Steve. Enjoy the future of printing, Steve.” Jonas Clerveaux practically grinned when he walked up to me readjusting the collar on a piece of clothing that appeared to have been purchased at Burberry’s. Great, just what I needed. “Is something wrong with your office equipment, Miss Moris?” he asked mischievously. Funny how making fun of me seemed to have shaved the age off of his face. He suddenly didn’t look the twelve years that I knew he was older than me. And he was capable of facial expression. Who would have thought? “Well, I ordered everything in pink because, you see, I am a girl and that is what I expect office equipment to look like. But now they delivered standard black and silver. Just imagine my outrage.” I retorted sarcastically. Being alone in the lobby with him and knowing he had overheard enough, too much really, there was no need to keep hiding or pretending to be anything other than what I was. Pissed. At the end of my patience. And cross. “I can see why that would be a problem. With pink being your color and all.” Saying that his eyes wandered down to my blouse where they lingered just a micro-second too long. “Have a good day, Miss Moris. See you on Thursday.” He continued, referring to a number of meetings Henri had alluded at just minutes before. He winked at me and headed towards the stairs. What the fuck just happened? In all your years as a caregiver to the mentally disturbed have you ever witnessed a change in character so rash, so suspicious, so unexplained from unpleasant snob to dashing ladies’ man worthy of a prime spot in the rat pack? Maybe he needs to be corresponding with you even more urgently than I do. After all multiple personality disorder is to be taken seriously. Or maybe Sam Clerveaux has twin brothers? Or this is his new strategy? Calling me out on whatever it was I might have started in that conference room? Under no circumstances could he think I was really into him. Or could he? Damn. There I thought I had that handled.
Follow all of Sara’s notes to her shrink, as selfish. will publish them chapter by chapter as a serialized novel in the next editions.
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nadia
One day I was counting the cats and I absent– mindedly counted myself.
Bobbie Ann Mason
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