the issue about coffee 8*14
Š Unless otherwise noted, the copyright for all parts (photographs, texts and illustrations) as well as for the whole design is reserved by myself.
COFFEE noun
is a brewed beverage prepared from the roasted or baked seeds of several species of an evergreen shrub of the genus Coffea.
to me, the smell of fresh made coffee is one of the greatest inventions Hugh Jackman
Morning Coffee
catastrophe Donald Williams
The morning seemed quiet when I got up from my bed, The air was still, as I shook the cobwebs from my head. I walked slowly into the bathroom to wash my face, Work must be done and I must prepare for my daily race. Brushing my teeth and running water through my hair, I know this day might be good and the weather is so fair. Streams of sunlight peer through open shades, I walk to the kitchen, barely awake in a daze. Open the cabinet for the coffee just inside, I notice it’s empty and then I almost cried. I gather up my clothes, in a such a terrible rush, The coffee helps me focus, gives my brain a good flush. I jump out the door with the speed of lightning, Into my truck, without coffee my day is frightening. A few brief minutes pass by as I blaze into town, My truck roars down the street with my gas pedal down. I see Starbucks ahead and my mouth is watering, Can’t wait to taste my coffee for this morning. Roll down my window with such haste to order my prize, I ask for a large hazelnut coffee with joy in my eyes.
Coffee and love are best when they are hot.
Things you didn't know
About
coffee Whether you like yours hot, iced, black or with sugar, one thing’s for sure: Coffee serves up plenty of health benefits. Not only can a cup help ward off depression, but it has even been linked with a decreased rate of skin cancer and increased fertility. Read on to learn about the unexpected heath benefits of coffee, plus other brew-related facts.
It may help ward off depression. Anyone who perks up after the first sip of morning coffee will tell you that it has mood-boosting effects. Now there’s proof: A study from the Harvard School of Public Health, published last month in the Archives of Internal Medicine, found that women who regularly drink fully caffeinated coffee have a 20% lower risk of depression than non-coffee drinkers. The study, which followed a group of women for 10 years, found that as more coffee was consumed (up to six cups per day), the likelihood of depression decreased.
It may help promote a healthy weight Drinking an espresso or cappuccino after a meal is more than a relaxing habit. “When you drink coffee after a meal, it causes your body to more slowly process the meal you just ate,” says Chris Kilham, medical researcher, founder of Medicine Hunter, Inc. and author of Psyche Delicacies. According to David Levitsky, PhD, professor of nutritional science at Cornell University, “Caffeine decreases the rate at which the stomach dumps its contents into the duodenum—a part of the small intestine where digestion takes place—and also increases metabolic rate.” Keep in mind, though, that java isn’t a miracle brew: Downing it after dinner won’t make the pounds melt away; rather, sipping a cup post-meal could, in small part, help promote a healthy weight.
It may boost fertility in men “Studies have shown that caffeine has a positive effect on sperm motility—the ability of sperm to move toward an egg—and could increase your chances of [getting pregnant],” says John Wilcox, MD, FACOG, managing partner and reproductive endocrinologist at HRC Fertility in California. In fact, a study conducted at the University of Sao Paulo found that sperm motility was markedly higher in coffee drinkers versus non coffee-drinkers. And it turns out that it doesn’t matter whether you drink one or ten cups a day: The only detectable difference was found between coffee drinkers and non-coffee drinkers.
It can harbor bacteria When you think of the germiest places in your house, you probably picture the kitchen sink or garbage disposal. But your coffee machine’s reservoir also tops the list. A study performed by NSF International, a not-for-profit health and safety organization, found that the coffee reservoirs they studied were “loaded with yeast and mold organisms,” says Robert Donofrio, PhD, director of NSF International’s microbiology labs. “Hardly any of the volunteers we spoke to cleaned or disinfected their reservoirs. The residual water in that area, plus the fact that it’s a humid part of the machine, contributed to bacterial growth.” To properly clean your coffee machine, follow the manufacturer’s cleaning
protocol. If nothing is specified, clean it once a month by adding three or four cups of undiluted vinegar to the reservoir, allowing it to sit for 30 minutes and then running the vinegar through the unit. Finish by adding fresh water to the reservoir and running the machine through two or three cycles to wash away vinegar residue.
It may reduce the risk of skin cancer Staying out of the sun and regularly applying a liberal amount of SPF should always be your number one line of defense against skin cancer. That said, a new study out of Brigham and Women’s Hospital found that women who drank more than three cups of coffee a day had a 20% lower risk for basal cell carcinoma, and men had a 9% reduced risk. However, the research did not indicate that coffee consumption reduced the risk of squamous cell carcinoma or melanoma, the deadliest form of skin cancer, making it all the more important to protect your skin when outdoors.
It’s not truly addictive While many people claim that they can’t make it through the day without a few cups of java, Liz Applegate, PhD, faculty member and director of sports nutrition at the University of California at Davis, explains that caffeine is not addictive. “Caffeine is a mild stimulant, and the World Health Organization states that it is wrong to compare caffeine intake to drug addiction, since people can reduce or eliminate caffeine from their diet without the serious psychological or physical problems that result from a true addiction.” However, serious coffee drinkers may experience symptoms such as fatigue and irritability if they reduce their intake. According to Dr. Applegate, people who consume 600 milligrams of caffeine (about six small cups of coffee) daily are most likely to experience these symptoms, but they will usually resolve themselves after a few days.
It doesn’t necessarily cause stomach pain If you’ve ever blamed java for stomach discomfort, you might want to visit your doctor to see what else could be at the root of the problem. According to Lauren Gerson, MD, MSc, associate professor of medicine and gastroenterology at the Stanford University School of Medicine, “There is no evidence from reviewed studies that coffee causes ulcers or more pain in patients with documented ulcers.” She also notes that there is no evidence that coffee could be the cause of stomach pain in patients with indigestion. However, there is one type of digestive issue that coffee can aggravate; Dr. Gerson explains that drinking coffee may worsen heartburn symptoms, since it stimulates the stomach to produce gastric acid.
www.womansday.com
Arabica vs. Robusta Physical appearance Oval curved center cut light brown bigger
Round straight center cut dark brown smaller
Characteristics Resistance LOW
LOW
HIGH
C16H1809
LOW
HIGH
HIGH
Origin Central- & West Afrika 19th Century
Ethiopia 7th Century
15 - 25째C
24 - 26째C
600 - 2300m
300 - 2300m
1200 - 2200mm
2200 - 3000mm
6 - 8m
> 10m
Brasil Colombia Honduras
Cultivation Areas
Vietnam India Indonesia
www.coffeecircle.com
Cultivation
Coffee should be black as hell, strong as death and sweet as love
turkish proverb
Coffee Is Actually A Fruit Coffee beans are actually the pits of berries. The coffee berries, sometimes called coffee cherries, are an edible fruit that have coffee beans inside. They are only called ‘beans’ because of their resemblance to beans.
Hawaii is the Only U.S. State That Commercially Grows Coffee Coffee tends to grow better at equatorial climates, so you can’t really grow coffee in the contiguous United States. Hawaii, however, has an optimal climate for harvesting java beans. Hawaii is known for their Kona coffee which is widely exported and popular around the world.
It used to be custom in Turkey that if a husband did not provide his wife with coffee, it was grounds for divorce
It would take around 100 cups of coffee for a lethal dose of caffeine Unimaginable. We get the jitters after just two or three cups, so what would cup 90 feel like? Would we be able to fly and fight crime? Probably not, and we definitely don’t recommend trying it out! Having too much caffeine in your system could lead to a heart attack or seizure.
There Are Two Kinds of Beans The two kinds of beans are Arabica and Robusta. The have different tastes and different caffeine content; Arabica beans are more popular around the world. In fact, 70% of coffee drank on earth is Arabica. Robusta beans grow in different climates and are found largely in Africa and Indonesia.
The drink “Americano” comes from when American GIs in WWII would order their espresso with water because it was too strong
“Until death or lack of quality coffee beans do you part?” This is an odd requirement, no doubt, but it sort of makes sense, and we bet the required coffee drinking makes for a much happier marriage, anyway! Thankfully this custom isn’t practiced anymore today.
Sort of funny when you think about how tough soldiers are supposed to be: Asking for your hosts to water down their coffee because it’s too strong for you definitely isn’t the most rugged of requests!
An espresso has 1/3 the caffeine of a cup of coffee due to serving sizes
New York drinks about 7 times as much coffee as the rest of the world
Consider throwing a double- or triple-shot into your favorite beverage, because just one might not cut it for the more hardcore caffeine addicts. Some people actually prefer drinking espresso to drip-coffee or French press for that very reason: you can actually control your own caffeine consumption.
Well, they DO call it the city that never sleeps....maybe this is why? You know, New Yorkers, we’ve heard it helps if you don’t drink any coffee after sunset. Just a tip.
Brazil is the world’s biggest producer of coffee In fact, in 2011 Brazil produced nearly twice as much as Vietnam and Colombia combined and a third of all of the coffee produced in the entire world. This statistic has remained fairly constant for the last 150 years! Brazil is also one of the only countries on earth that grows both Arabica and Robusta beans.
U.S. Prez Theodore Roosevelt Drank A TON of Coffee Seriously, this is not an exaggeration: Teddy was known to drink a gallon of coffee a day. No wonder he was able to get so much done in the wake of the American Civil War!
The first webcam was invented to monitor how much coffee was left in the pot at the University of Cambridge Sounds bizarre, but from 1991 until 2001, the world’s first webcam stood proudly telling all of the residents of the University’s Computer Science department whether they could get their caffeine on at that moment. Little known fact: this is actually not what most webcams are used for nowadays.
Coffee is a Major Commodity In fact, coffee is the #2 most traded commodity on earth, coming only second to oil! Coffee consumption is actually great for the developing world, because 90% of coffee farming happens in developing countries, while most coffee is consumed in the developed world.
The two most popular beverages on Earth are water and coffee. Really not that surprising when you think about it. After all, it’s hard for everyone to wake up all across the world, isn’t it?
People who drink a moderate amount of coffee are less likely to develop Alzheimers or dementia in old age This is all according to a 2009 study that validates our favorite chemical habit. By the way a “moderate amount” is defined to be between three and five cups per day, so if you don’t have a coffee pot (and corresponding webcam) in your office, get one immediately! There are also health benefits of coffee associated with exercise: People who drink coffee before their workout tend to have a better workout and push themselves harder than those who abstain. Don’t skip that cup of joe before your next workout!
Voltaire was said to drink 50 cups of coffee per day The word “coffee” comes from the Arabic “qahhwat al-bun,” meaning “wine of the bean.” This tidbit brought to you by the people who want you to feel classier while drinking your morning beverage. Remember; you’re not desperately trying to get yourself awake for work after a sleepless night, you’re enjoying a little wine of the bean!
Coffee May Replace Fossil Fuel Coffee beans are combustible and scientists have suggested that coffee beans could replace fossil fuels as one of our main sources of energy and motor fuel. In fact, British engineers created a car that runs on coffee beans in 2011 and it broke the record as the fastest car in existence to run on organic fuels.
Voltaire was certainly an eccentric and energetic figure, so he must have gotten his energy from somewhere, right? Still, this one seems a little fishy. We can only assume 50 cups was a smaller serving size then, because this probably would’ve made for digestive problems, no?
Legend has it that coffee was discovered by Ethiopian shepherds who discovered their goats dancing around after eating the beans How exactly do goats dance? In any case, we’re forever grateful for the contribution of these anonymous, possibly-fictional 9th century goat herders; without them, restless New Yorkers would have no way to wake up in the morning!
Coffee Was Originally a Food, Not a Drink The first African tribes to consume coffee did not make the delicious drink as we know it today. They combined coffee beans with fat to make ‘energy balls’ which were munched on for a caffeine boost.
George Washington Invented Instant Coffee! Okay, so it’s probably not the George Washington you are thinking of: A Belgian/American inventor named George Washington invented instant coffee in 1906. It wasn’t until 50+ years later that good instant coffee came into being and became a household staple.
www.movies.amct.com
Coffee is an experience, an offer, a rite of passage, a good excuse to get together Nicole Johnson
What coffee
says
about you nadia
ESPRESSO
double ESPRESSO
You’re friendly and adaptive. You actually like the taste of coffee, a rare but admirable trait.
You’re practical and hardworking. You like knowing that one shot just doesn’t do it for you anymore.
triple ESPRESSO
mocha
You’re enthusiastic but obsessive. You’ve been awake since the late 90’s.
You’re fun-loving and creative. You hate the taste of coffee, but you need the pick-me-up, so you improvise.
latte
cappuccino
You’re reflective but often indecisive. In a world of unknowns, you like the safe pick.
You’re warm-hearted but oblivious at times. Your friends have to remind youto wipe the foam off your lip.
macchiato
iced coffee
You’re traditional and reserved, but for the most part, you hate foam mustaches.
You’re assertive and outspoken. You don’t let seasons dictate how you live your life. Also, you like straws.
americano
frappuccino
You’re calm and conscientious. You enjoy the simple things in life, like picnics in the park, birds chirping and watery coffee.
You’re happy and energetic. You claim to love coffee, but really, you just love ice cream.
coffee-to-go
expresso
You’re serious and focused. You believe when the going gets tough, the tough get cardboard sleeves because the cup’s too hot.
You’re clever, annoying, or both. You knowingly, or unknowingly mispronounce eSpresso. Either way, I hate you.
doghousediaries
Test your
knowledge
1. The name cappuccino comes from:
6. Coffee beans grow on
a) The drink’s resemblance to the brown cowls worn by Capuchin monks
a) A low, spreading vine
b) The similarity in color to the fur of Capuchin monkeys
c) A tree
c) The Italian puccino, meaning “light brown one”
d) The roots of a coffee plant
b) A bush
d) The size of the cup in which it’s commonly served Answer: (b)
7. Most coffees are a blend of
Answer: (a)
2. Espresso literally means
a) Light and dark roasts
a) Speed it up
b) Caffeine and essential oils
b) To go
c) Arabica and robusta beans
c) Forced out
d) African and South American beans
d) Black and intense Answer: (c)
8. An ibrik is
Answer: (c)
3. Coffee was the first food to be a) Shipped from Europe to the New World
a) A South-American tool for grinding coffee beans
b) Freeze-dried
b) The Turkish word for barista
c) Used in Aztec religious ceremonies
c) A Middle Eastern coffee house
d) Roasted and ground for drinking
d) A long-handled copper pot for making Turkish coffee
Answer: (b)
a) Africa b) Columbia and Brazil c) Turkey d) Southeast Asia
Answer: (d)
4. 40% of the world’s coffee is produced by
9. Arabica varieties such as Java and Mocha are named after a) The plantations where they’re grown b) The coffee grower who developed that variety c) Their predominant flavorings d) Their ports of origin
Answer: (b) Answer: (d)
5. Kopi Luwak, the world’s most expensive coffee (up to $600 per pound) is a) Processed during a full moon b) Brewed only with solid gold pots c) Made from coffee beans eaten and then excreted by a Sumatran wild cat d) Grown at a higher altitude
10. Sixteenth-century Muslim rulers banned coffee because of a) Its stimulating effects b) The gambling that took place in coffeehouses c) The black market that sprang up in the coffee trade d) Sufi mystics who wanted coffee limited to spiritual ceremonies
Answer: (c) Answer: (a)
Decaffeinated coffee is like a hairless cat, it exists but that doesn't make it right.
An
express guide to the world of coffee nadia
The basic black
The americano
The breve
1 part coffee 0 parts anything
1/2 espresso 2/3 hot water
1 part espresso 1 part half + half
The café latte
The café mélange
The tripplo
2/3 coffee 1/3 milk
1 black coffee top whip cream
triple shot espresso
The café mocha
The cappuccino
The eiskaffee
1/2 espresso 2/3 steam milk + chocolate
1 part espresso 1 part hot milk steamed milk foam
chilled coffee milk + sweetener
The flat white
The Galao
The iced coffee
1shot espresso fill rest with steamed milk
1/4 coffee 1/4 foam milk
black coffee chilled served over ice
The irish coffee
The long black
The macchiato
1/2 coffee 1/2 irish whiskey
3/4 hot water 1/4 espresso
1 part espresso 1 part foamed milk + cocoa
The miami vice
The red eye
The yuayang
1/3 americano 1/3 cubano coffee 1/3 hot water + sugar
1/3 drip coffee 2/3 shots espresso
1 part coffee 1 part milk tea
The vienna coffee
The carajillo
2 shots espresso + infused whipped cream
1 part espresso 1 shot brandy
vanilla ice cream
Life's too short to drink crappy coffee and cry over boys who don't care Matty Healy
29 Songs coffee
1. Squeeze Black Coffee in Bed
17. The Guess Who No Sugar Tonight
2. Bob Dylan One More Cup of Coffee
18. Blur Coffee and TV
3. OMD Night Café
19. Ella Fitzgerald Black Coffee
4. Cream The Coffee Song
20. Patti LaBelle Stir it Up
5. Cup of Wonder Jethro Tull
21. Ricky Martin Cup of Life
6. Alice Cooper Caffeine
22. Suzanne Vega Tom’s Diner
7. Fall Out Boy Coffee’s For Closers
23. Savage Garden Two Beds and a Coffee Machine
8. Supertramp Breakfast in America
24. The Eagles The Sad Cafe
9. The Rolling Stones Loving Cup
25. Black Flag Black Coffee
10. Bob Marley One more Cup of Coffee
26. Peggy Lee Black Coffee
11. Kate Bush Coffee Homeground
27. The Descendents Coffee Mug
12. Judas Priest Grinder
28. Nat King Cole You’re the Cream in My Coffee
13. Jimmy Eat World Coffee and Cigarettes
29. Otis Redding Cigarettes & Coffee
14. Def Leppard Pour Some Sugar on Me 15. Carlos Santana Black Magic Woman 16. Prince Cream
n to e t s i L plete m o the c list on play cks 8tra
this morning, with her, having coffee.
johnny cash, when asked for his description of paradise
your
body on coffee Sure it’s addictive, and you’re right to blame it for sometimes giving you jitters, but coffee works head to toe for its health halo. Drink it all in!
nadia
Mood
Memory
Depression risk was 20% lower in women who drank 4 daily cups of coffee, finds a Harvard School of Public Health study. Caffeine may affect brain chemicals like serotonin and dopamine.
200mg of caffeine – the amount in 2 cups – improved long-term memory in a recent study.
Heart 200 to 300 mg of caffeine a day make your heart perform better by improving blood flow during rest.
Skin Women who consumed more than 3 cups of coffee a day had a significantly lower risk of basal cell carconima in a 2012 study.
Energy
Liver
Drink 3 to 4 cups of coffee an hour prior to a workout and you’ll go for longer.
Drinking more than 2 cups of coffee a day appears to protect against liver diseases such as cirrhosis.
Diabetes risk Drinking 6 cups of coffee daily was linked to a 33% lower risk of type 2 diabetes, accordings to a Harvard review of 28 studies.
Feet Drinking 6 cups of coffee daily reduced the risk of gout for men by 59%. Coffee appears to lower levels of uric acid in the blood.
Coffee (noun): wat magical substance that tu into ‘Good m
ter dressed in black; urns ‘Leave me alone or die’ morning, honey’
load n w Do here
load n w Do here
Do you need You need coffee
YES
Is it mo
YES
Do you have a busy day?
YES NO
Are y sociali with fri
NO
YES
Are you relaxing with a book?
NO
Are you t
YES
NO
Are you meant to be? YES
You will need a coffee when you wake up
YES NO
Are y aslee
a COFFEE?
orning?
you ising iends?
thirsty?
NO NO
YES YES NO
NO
ES
you ep?
Have you had coffee today?
Do you need a pick-me-up?
Are you eating cake? YES
NO
NO
Are you driving a car? YES
You need a takeaway coffee
A Coffee
a day nadia
hypochondriac’s
notes
shrink All is not well in the life of Sara Moris. Her friends are in constant catfight mode, her dates end in panic attacks, her promotion went to somebody else and suddenly the only men she meets, seem to be “older”... Nothing a good therapist couldn’t fix in about an hour’s session or two. If only she just could get herself to make an appointment instead of writing notes to an imaginary doc! A serialized novel, part 6 the simps Follow the simps on twitter
Click here to read up on Sara’s previous adventures in the last editions of selfish. magazine! “Somebody did see… ” was the mysterious answer and a spectacular turn of events that lead us directly to story number two. I hope you don’t have plans for later doc because the tale of this classic “coup de théâtre” needs to be told. So, there they were in the meeting room of Janine’s lab. It was 5.15 pm earlier today and Finesteen was just about done with the “we’re-out-of-money” part of his speech, still avoiding the “what-happens-now” part, repeating himself and going over the same insignificant details over and over again. He seemed distracted and looked older than he ever did before. He constantly either watched the ceiling, the door or his wristwatch. The crowd, all 20 or so employees, started to get nervous, started to talk to each other, started to heckle when suddenly Finesteen’s mobile rang. He seemed to be relieved. He answered the phone. He mumbled something none of them heard. He cried out: “They’re finally here!” and left the conference room in haste. Then popping his head back in, he yelled: “I’ll be right back.” General confusion, uproar, anger! Everybody felt something, most had to say anything, others like Janine just sat in their chair feeling miserable and waiting for him to return. When Finesteen got back he was in the company of two other people. Now you and I doc wouldn’t have recognized either one of them, unless of course you’re active in the pharmaceutical field as well. In that case, you would also have instantly known that Eva Henderson and Joshua Johnson had just entered the room. Yes, the Joshua Johnson as in Johnson and sons also known as the biggest pharmaceutical company in Northern America. Now, no reason to describe the outcome yet again as you already know the essence of it anyway. Johnson and sons agreed to pay the salaries until the end of the year, so that research reports can be completed and resumed in the Johnsons and sons labs in Ottowa at the beginning of next year. I’m sure you ask yourself why I am telling you this? Yes? Well the answer is that Joshua Johnson ended his speech with a dazzling sur-
prise. After he presented himself as the savior of three years of outstanding work, which he probably is, he announced that unfortunately he will only be able to hire two people from the current staff. Finesteen. The guy did win a Nobel price – and – God damn it, where are the drums when you need them – the writer of the article that so brilliantly described why and how the method Janine’s lab uses is so revolutionary. The highly appraised article that was mentioned last year in almost every trade journal worth the name all over the world, the article that took Janine almost a year to finish during which she rarely left her place, the article that cost her every last drop of blood, sweat and tears she had inside her. No, I have one left: The article that made me buy my first pair of suede leopard Christian Louboutin peeptoes out of pure despair. Yes, the author of this article was to be hired by Johnson and sons or in other words: Dr Elsa Gerrit was to be hired by Johnsons and sons. No, doc, I didn’t mix up the names! And you are not confused. You just happen to ignore the one or the other detail. Remember Janine’s self-esteem issues? Once, she had completed said article, she chickened out of publishing. What if they don’t like it? What if they think I’m a dilettante? What if they don’t even read it because they have never heard about me? So, what did she do? She ran to Finesteen, made him read the article and begged him to co-sign it. He refused, told her to contact a publisher friend of his, encouraged her to try on her own and dismissed her saying that he was too famous to co-sign, that he would unwillingly take all the focus and the credit away from her and that he really wouldn’t do her a favor.
She doesn’t greet people, she makes Hahaaahahaaa sounds when she walks by them. That’s what he said. What did Janine hear? She heard: Look for somebody less famous to co-sign. She looked and she found Elsa Gerrit, her direct superior, and a deceitful, incompetent, backstabbing witch. If ever somebody deserved to be treated that and that same word with a b at the beginning, it is her. She is awful. She doesn’t greet people, she makes Hahaaahahaaa sounds when she walks by them. She is always late and always the first to leave the lab. Her face has so many wrinkles, no amount of surgery will ever be able to flaten it ever again. And she is fat.
Have you noticed how people we can’t stand are always bigger than people we love? It’s like our sympathies are reciprocally proportional to the fat masses on our nemesis’s tights. Weird. But appropriate. You don’t have that feeling? Maybe you’re too scientific for that doc.
“You got to be kidding me? They hired HER?” Appalled is not even close to what I felt. I was so angry I could almost sense my teeth grow like an old powerful vampire ready to attack its prey. Ok, so I binge-watched two seasons of True Blood in the last two weeks. No biggie.
Anyhow, not only is Gerrit fat, which isn’t the worst thing that can happen to you in the world of science, she is incompetent as well. Should I have started my description with her professional abilities? Might be. But this was more fun.
“Why didn’t you say something?” wondered Lisa.
No matter the actual fat on her tights or grey cells in her brain, she definitely has one major character trait that puts her above the radar. She knows how to grab an opportunity when it is presented to her. For instance when she met Finesteen’s kid brother, she knew she had to make him fall in love with her head over heels. She knew she had to beg him to beg his brother to give her a job. And she knew, at the age of 53 and after her three-month probationary period, how to tell him that she wasn’t ready for a serious relationship but that she would always love him. I mean, come on, to tell somebody that at the age of 53 you’re not ready for a relationship and make him actually believe that is nothing short of brilliant. What’s more, she doesn’t only recognize potential in opportunities but also in people. She agreed to co-sign Janine’s paper without reading it. She even had the nerve to humbly insist on staying in the background since Janine had done all the hard work. Of course, she only did so during the strenuous periods like actually finding a publisher and dismissing initial criticism. Once it came to the fun part – the recognition in the media for instance – she suddenly didn’t like the background so much anymore. She gave loads of interviews to every media medium that addresses a general public and therefore wouldn’t ask questions that were too detailed or too specific. Slowly but irreversibly, she had orchestrated herself as the mastermind behind the paper who was merely assisted by one of the members of her staff. Once Janine, or Finesteen for that matter, realized what was going on it was too late. She had already established herself as a gifted new star in science heaven. And this is how Elsa Gerrit, even though she probably is the world’s most incapable researcher ever got hired by the prestigeous Johnson and sons.
“That’s what I’ve been asking myself for nearly a year now but Janine doesn’t really seem to bother…” I knew I was being harsh on her again. But we’ve been having this conversation over and over and I still couldn’t understand how she could live with this nuisance of a human being, this waste of human flesh and blood. “Oh, I get why she didn’t say something,” retorted Sylvie. “I wouldn’t have said anything either.” Hearing Lisa and I gasp, she added: “So, Miss Evil was in a few talk shows. So what? If that’s what she needs to feel good, then please. It’s not like she hurt anybody. On the contrary, it probably helped increase awareness for pancreatic cancer and Janine isn’t the talk show person anyway. I get that. I even get why Janine didn’t say something today. I’m pretty proud myself and it was simply too late. What I don’t get it why nobody else said anything? A whole bunch of cowards if you ask me.“ “No, it’s a clear case of mobbing! You should get a lawyer.” Lisa injected. “Unfortunately Lisa, it isn’t. I asked her to co-sign. It’s more like a clear case of stupidity.” Janine replied. “Can we agree on naivety?” I suggested. I still disagree with Janine for failing to stand up for her own interests. But the bitter feeling that Sylvie of all people seemed to grasp my friend’s motivation better than I could made my being mad at Janine a little difficult. I decided to worry instead: “What are going to do now?” “Well, I was thinking of maybe contacting that headhunter that had tried to recruit me a few months back and then we’ll see…” “That’s right Janine! You need to be optimistic and believe in yourself. You’ll find another job and write another article and show this wicked woman that crime doesn’t pay.” Did I mention that Lisa gets carried away easily? That and the alcohol urged for a change of topic.
“So Sylvie, what’s with the cocktails?” I wanted to know. Just an hour ago, I would have never dared asking this question in the presence of Lisa and Janine. But since the margarita pitcher was almost empty, I figured it was only fair they knew why it was there in the first place.
“What about Fred? What does he say about this?” I still wasn’t sure I understood what all of that was even supposed to mean.
“We are celebrating!” she announced rather proudly.
“Sleeping with the same guy for months isn’t exactly a one nightstand. It’s what other people would refer to as a relationship.” I said.
“Good, Lisa and I can use some good news. What is it we are celebrating?” asked Janine. “I’m going to be a mother”. Wait. Did she just say mother? No, that can’t right. Janine looked as stunned as I felt, but Lisa beamed. “Oh, that’s so amazing. Is it going to be a cat or a dog? Have you chosen one already? Because if not I can help you. There’s that great program in our church where all animals that can no longer stay with their original masters for whatever reason can be adopted by a new family. It’s absolutely wonderful.” She said. “No, I’m not talking about pets. I’m going to be a real parent.” Sylvie repeated. “I’m confused. Like in I’m going to have a child?” I asked.
“Fred? What about him? He was merely a one nightstand. He has no say in this.” She replied.
It is true that Fred didn’t have the best stand with Sylvie. He loved her since he first laid eyes on her. She loved that he was a pilot and spent a lot of time abroad. The rhythm and balance of their on and off relationship suited her. I wouldn’t exactly describe him as a pushover but he sure dealt with whatever bullshit she came up with. If there was an award for patience, he’d be my top contender. “Whatever, I broke it of last weekend.” She added almost casually. “Are you out of your sane mind? You can’t just go … scampering around the world breaking up with boyfriends and having babies from sperm banks. You need to think about things like this for longer than a week.“ Many things had happened this night. And still Sylvie managed to somewhat take it all.
“Yes”, she replied. “As in a real baby?” I croaked even more confused. “Are there others?” Damn, she looked serious and … relaxed. How can she be relaxed in such a terrible situation? “You are PREGNANT? How can you be so calm? How come you’re drinking alcohol? PUT THE GLASS DOWN RIGHT AWAY. You’re crazy!” I yelled. “No need to panic, Sara! I’m not pregnant. Yet. My insemination appointment isn’t for another month. But I want to prepare my body for pregnancy. So this is my last day of alcoholic freedom for a long time.” She explained.
“You’re just mad because I broke it off with Fred without consulting with you first.” She said. “I’m mad because you’re planning on having a baby without consulting with me first.” I retorted. “That’s because you would have tried talking me out of it. Am I wrong? No, I’m not. Also, I’m not reconsidering. This is happening.” She continued. “How about you guys? Don’t you want to help me out? Janine?” I tried. “I’m sorry, Sara. There is no way I’m going to get involved. You’re alone on this one.” Replied Janine looking rather uncomfortably and Lisa added quickly “Don’t you look at me! This is none of my business.”
“Insemination?” I repeated. “Yes, I want my baby to have the best chances in life. Impeccable biological father material is crucial.” She said.
“Sara, listen, it’s not like I decided this on the spur of the moment. I went to single mothers by choice meetings. I consulted with both my shrink and my gynocologist. I went to all the preliminary talks at the clinic.
And now I’m ready. I’m going to be a mother.” She said. “Oh my God, you did really think about this!” Which more than can be said about other choices she’s made. It also makes convincing her of abandoning this mad endeavor a lot more complicated. “I did and my decision is final. It’s actually pretty simple. I want to be part of a family again. I want a family.” She concluded.
And now I’m ready. I’m going to be a mother.
Explanations. I know, you need further explanations. But don’t worry, this one is almost easy compared to the others. So, Sylvie grew up at her grandmother’s house because her mom got pregnant when she was 16 years old and her dad could have been anybody regarding her mom’s sexual adventures and the rather creative explanations when it came to Sylvie’s procreation.
“Absurd? This is easy for you to say 17-cousins-girl. You still have a mother, both your grandparents and a million aunts and uncles spread all over the country. You’re never alone on Christmas. When you’re asked who should be contacted on your behalf in the event of an emergency you don’t have to wreck your brain to find somebody. You have a family.” Ok doc so she’s got a point. But a baby? There have to be less drastic ways to start a family than reproducing… Yes? No? Anybody? Help. “I knew your grandmother passed. I didn’t know that meant you were actually really completely alone.” Lisa stated. “Yeah, I’m actually really completely on my own. You got a church program for that?” Sylvie replied rather aggressively. “No, but that doesn’t mean that there shouldn’t be one.” Lisa said softly.
Unfortunately, she died of complications during childbirth and the mystery of Sylvie’s conception was never elucidated. Her grandmother was the only relative she ever knew and she adored her like crazy. When she died rather suddenly from a aneurism last year, Sylvie was seriously devastated. She rarely mentioned her ever since. As far as I know, she didn’t clear her part of the apartment or touch any of her belongings. Everything is in the exact same way that Gran left them when she went to the emergency room for her headaches. Sylvie was obviously still grieving and this motherhood charade was her way to cope, to compensate.
“When my mom got sick all these years ago, my biggest fear was to be alone with my dad. Day in, day out. I love him of course, but he’s getting older too. I can… No, I can’t. I can’t imagine what you must feel like.” Janine added. Her mom is a cancer survivor. Breast, not pancreas. It ’s one of the less obvious reasons for her academic career. Her sympathy for Sylvie however didn’t make things easier for me. There was no way I could continue to appeal to whatever logic was left in her thinking if both Lisa and Janine were compassionate with her cause. But who am I kidding anyway? It’s not like I’ve ever been able to talk her out of anything.
“Sylvie, children aren’t feel good items or therapy accessories. They need care and devotion. They need responsible parents. Parents. Plural.”
I was still reflecting on babies when suddenly a dreadful thought crossed my mind.
“Come on, this is bull, we’ve both been raised by single women. And we turned out pretty fine.” “And we both know how that turned out. I really don’t know what else to say… This is absurd.” It really is absurd, though. If only I’d kept track of all the pregnancy tests I had to buy for her in secret over the years. They could fill the trunk of a small car. The teenager scares I can relate to but the more recent ones? At point some point we all come to an age where we buy your own tests and the prospect of an unplanned pregnancy isn’t the worst that can happen to us. Last time, we dealt with one of those incidents was only a few months back and now she suddenly wants a baby?
“Lisa, did you use a condom?” I inquired. “No”, she answered blushing. OH. MY. GOD. What? I mean how? I mean… This is the 21st century after all. “When are you going to have your next period?” Janine wanted to know. Good question! At least one of us was focussed. “This morning. I’m not pregnant so you needn’t worry.” She answered coolly or pretended to do so. Her cheeks told a different story. “What about other STDs?” I asked. As of pregnancy was the only concern here.
“He’s a doctor. I don’t think he’s got any of those.” She replied avoiding my eyes and twirling her drink’s straw in her empty glass. “That’s really no guarantee. You should have yourself tested.” Replied Janine softly before recommending a friend of hers in another facility. After that conversation came to a halt. I suddenly realized that each and every single one of them was looking at me. They were waiting. Patiently. Kindly. United. It’s not like I didn’t want to talk to them and unburden my many sorrows but after what they’ve been through these past days, I didn’t feel like I could. I knew it wasn’t a competition, but still.
What if they’ll smile at me like blind people
“Honey, ordinary people aren’t automatically happy. I see many people having trouble…” Oh no, I needed to interrupt Lisa before she alluded to yet another church program. “That’s not what I mean. When ordinary people have good jobs, a decent apartment and enough money to buy designer shoes on a regular basis, they are content. They don’t question every single choice – past, present or future. They don’t worry about whether they are who they want to be, who they’re supposed to be. Whether their lives move forward in the right direction. Whether they move at all. They’re ordinary and… happy.” I said. “The people you describe aren’t ordinary, they’re stupid” threw Janine in. “Isn’t that the same thing?” retorted Sylvie.
would smile at the partially sighted for complaining about their impaired vision?
“So.” Sylvie started. “Frank Sinatra? May I assume this is about that bartender I decided wasn’t worth your time?” “Oh, you guys didn’t like him either?” Lisa said looking from Sylvie to Janine. “What is this? An interrogation? An intervention?” I uttered irritated. “Come on, we all shared…” stated Janine. Should I really tell them? On the one hand I wondered how last week’s experience would be welcomed. I did not lose my virginity to a married man. I was not being fired because I wrote another woman a fantastic article and I was not planning on having a baby out of pure loneliness. What if they’ll smile at me like blind people would smile at the partially sighted for complaining about their impaired vision? On the other hand, I did wish to share what I felt with my best friends. “Ok, here it is… I wish I was ordinary!” There, I said it. Around me was a complete lack of understanding. Maybe I should have gone with the “on the one hand”. “Sara, you can’t be ordinary.” Janine finally replied. “Hell no, she can’t. I know that and she knows that and everybody else does too. The real question is: why would you even want that?” Sylvie seamed genuinely appalled. “Ordinary people are happy!” I said to explain further.
They still didn’t get it. It was time for the truth. “I think I might be having panic attacks. And ordinary people, happy people don’t have panic attacks.” Good, there it was. The truth was in the room. I told them about the bathroom rug episode. About how I even got there in the first place. “I’m not a doctor.” Janine started. Finally, she was going to suggest I get treatment. “And I don’t think that whatever that was, was normal. But a panic attack? Isn’t that a bit… farfetched?” “Are you going to suggest I should make the the Hypochondriac’s Handbook you offered me in college, resurface?” I replied. Who needs enemies when you got friends like these? “No, seriously Sara. That episode seems out of the ordinary. But it was only one episode. Maybe it was a message from your subconscious. You said yourself you weren’t that into him at first. It’s normal that you think about who you are and where you want to be. That doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re sick. Especially not with that birthday coming up. The big 3 oh? It makes me think too...” mediated Lisa between hypochondriac and depression. “My thirtieth birthday has got nothing to do with this. It’s not due until June which is in like 8 months.” I reminded everybody. “I wonder to what extend all our issues have to do with it. We’ll all be thirty in the next year.” Sylvie wondered.
“So, I’m not clinically depressed. I get it. No need to exaggerate.” I said defensively. “I don’t exaggerate. Let’s take Lisa for instance. She lives in that Victoria Secrets body of hers since we all know her. I personally witnessed at least two dozen guys hitting on her in the most unusual ways. She turned them all down. Every single one of them except the one person that was insane enough to date her without sleeping with her or in other words: the one guy that really loved her. It’s like you had that sensor for honesty. And now, you fall for an amateur womanizer like he was the first man you ever met. So, what if your birthday in March…” “February” I corrected. “What if Lisa’s birthday in February made her think about who she was and where she was going with her life? What if she wasn’t satisfied with her life either? What if she wanted to change, but believed too much in her principles? What if some part of her subconscious did realize Doug wasn’t honest, that all he wanted was to sleep with her? What if her subconscious deliberately made her sleep with him so she wouldn’t have to be a virgin by the age of 30?” Sylvie said.
“When I told him about my resolution to remain pure until my wedding night, he reacted so understandingly. No guy ever did before. At least not here in Luxembourg. And then he told me about himself and how he had tried to do the same thing but that he hadn’t been strong enough and how much he admired me for it. He didn’t even flinch. There wasn’t a moment of discomfort and there always is. All the signs were there and I just didn’t see them, like I … refused to see them. What does this mean? Am I regular girl now that dates? What about my principles? … Another round of drinks, please. I need liquid support while I’m thinking.” Lisa said. “I get that Lisa’s issue might have to do with the big 3, I get mine and I even get yours. But what about Janine? How is her problem connected to our birthdays?” I wanted to know after I grabbed the empty pitcher on my way to the kitchen. “Easy” answered Sylvie “If her upcoming birthday was her 50th, she wouldn’t doubt herself so much and get her articles published without co-signatures…” “Very funny Sylvie! Thanks so much for you input. ” I said. What she said made sense. It always does and Janine must have thought so too considering her giggling.
“That is outrageous!!! I’m speechless. I…” gasped Lisa. It was outrageous and I was pretty speechless myself. Only if the shoe fits… Damn it. I should have seen this myself. What kind of a friend am I? First, I don’t realize what’s really going on in my friend’s life and then I let my beautifully innocent friend’s attempt at denial be butchered by my other cruel and strangely clairvoyant friend. It was like putting a sweet little chick in a cage with a snake. I needed to say something. I needed to intervene. To protect her. To say something that wasn’t a lie but still comforting, something to put things in the right perspective, something that’ll avoid this fight.
“Jup I need another drink and maybe a decade. No biggie. See? I already think the whole thing is hilarious.” Janine contributed. “That’s the alcohol speaking, dear” I rectified. There they were: My three best friends sipping Margaritas that weren’t to their taste, listening to music they didn’t fancy with people they could barely stand. And all this in … in what? Truce? Peace? United misery? Is misery the glue that keeps people together?
“… I … This … You… are completely right!” admitted Lisa finally. That was quick. It usually takes me all night, an exotic virgin cocktail and all my reasoning power to convince Lisa of anything. And it was only then that I found out that she reacts admirably well to the cold and brutal version of the truth. I felt like a monk in the dark ages after Gutenberg invented printing. Mostly relieved as well as a little superfluous.
Follow all of Sara’s notes to her shrink, as selfish. will publish them chapter by chapter as a serialized novel in the next editions.
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nadia
As long as there was coffee in the world, how bad could things be
Cassandra Clare
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