THE ISSUE ABOUT REDHEADS 10*15
Š Unless otherwise noted, the copyright for all parts (photographs, texts and illustrations) as well as for the whole design is reserved by myself.
REDHEAD noun
A person characterized by red hair, ranging from the lighter, fairy-like strawberry blonde; to the darker, seductive auburn. Most are born with green or blue eyes, and many have freckles. An exotic person with a fiery temper. One of the most beautiful creatures on Earth, too bad there are so little of them.
THERE IS MORE, MUCH MORE, TO BEING A REDHEAD THAN THE COLOR OF ONE'S HAIR SEAT NI
RED
Rosie Miller
Look at your lovely red hair They say to me at last That wasn’t what they used to say In my childhood days that passed. They used to call me carrot top Freckle face and ginger Although I found it hurtful I’ve never been a whinger I took it on the chin I set myself apart Because blonde comes from a bottle But red comes from the heart.
OUT OF THE ASH I RISE WITH MY RED HAIR AND EAT MEN LIKE AIR.
SYLVIA PLATH
15 FAST FACTS
about
REDHEADS
01 Only 2% of the world’s population has red hair. So you’re a majestic unicorn, basically. 02 You’re huge in the wizarding world. 03 You’ll never get lost in a crowd, because
09 Redheads are natural muses, and we’re used in famous works of art A LOT. 10 Queen Elizabeth I was a redhead, and she was a badass. 11 As a redhead, you develop an awesome
your hair is like a mighty red beacon of
sense of humor, because you grow up
hope.
being teased.
04 If you dye your hair, red is the hardest
12 Red hair comes in so many different
shade to maintain, which means no
shades, and yet each one is vibrant.
one can REALLY ever fake your color.
How is this possible? Magic, most likely.
05 You don’t have to worry about being
13 In medieval times, Romanians believed
unique, because your hair does all that
that redheads were vampires, which is
work for you.
pretty sexy.
06 If you get angry, you can always use your “fiery temper” as an excuse. 07 Red hair is a recessive gene, so if you
14 Red hair doesn’t gray as much as other hair colors. That’s right, we’re winners! 15 When you see other redheads,
have a redhead child, it means you’ve
you immediately feel an unmistakable
won the damn genetic lottery.
solidarity with them.
08 And if you’re dating a redhead, just know that you are one lucky SOB.
Is It true that most
ginger cats are male
Elisa
I know, the last selfish issue was about cats already. But this is about a special Ginger species, who have their own hair. Counting all famous red cats like ‘A Street Cat named Bob’ (James Bowen) or the cartoon stars ’Garfield‘, ‘Azreal‘ (the pet of Gargamel in ’The Smurfs‘) and‘Puss In Boots’ (‘Shrek’) or at least all the movies with Gingers cats as supporting actors as in ‘Breakfast at Tiffany’s‘, ‘Inside Llewyn Davis‘, ‘Gone Girl‘, … it seems to me that all red haired cats are Tom Cats. After some research, the internet tells me that indeed most of them are, but not all of them. The ‘ginger gene’ which produces the orange colour is linked to the X chromosome. Males only need one X chromosome to become ginger, whereas females need two copies of this gene. If she inherits only one ginger gene, she will be tortoiseshell with some ginger areas and some black/brown areas. The parents of a red haired female cat needs to be either both ginger or the father has to be red and the mother has to have some ginger areas. Because these combinations are very rare, there are much more ginger males than females. It’s said that there are roughly three males to one female ginger cat. Dedicated to Felix, Caramel and Mozart. Felix was the first ginger cat I knew. He lived in my neighborhood when I was a child, he had this long red, very soft and fluffy fur and he was huge. Every dog who passed our street was afraid of him. A friend named her cat Caramel because of his beautiful color. Mozart was a tabby cat, he had nearly the same red haircolor like his owner Rosie, who had a pub, where Mozart loved to sit every night between all the bar guests. And yes, all of the three cats were ginger males. I never met a ginger female in my life so far...
13 signs
your’re a
NATURAL
redhead
1. Your nickname will always be ‘Red’ 2. … and you will always be called a ‘ginger’ 3. Someone has asked you if the carpet matches the drapes 4. In school, you were the only redhead in your class 5. People always ask: ‘Is your haircolor natural!?’ 6. You are an expert on sunscreen 7. You get sunburnt walking anywhere in the sun
8. Your ‘go to’ makeup color is ‘ivory’ 9. A hairdresser always tells you that people pay a lot of money to get your hair color 10. You can immediately tell the difference between a natural an a dyed redhead 11. Arial was your disney princess 12. When acting out the british music group Spice Girls, you always had to be Ginger 13. When you see another Redhead, you nod
BLONDES ARE WILD BRUNETTES ARE TRUE BUT YOU NEVER JUST KNOW WHAT A REDHEAD WILL DO
THE PROBABILITY of you producing
REDHEADED
children
if you don't have
RED HAIR The gene responsible for red hair is called MC1R. If the MC1R gene is dominant, it triggers the red pigment in hair to turn brown. In order to produce a child with red hair you need two recessive MC1R genes.
RR
RR
RR
2 dominant MC1R genes
1 dominant MC1R genes
2 recessive MC1R genes
If you do not carry a recessive MC1R gene
If you do carry a recessive MC1R gene 50 % chance
RR
RR
RR
You
Breeding partner
You
50 % chance
RR Breeding partner
RR
RR You
Breeding partner
RR
RR
RR
Offspring
Offspring
Offspring
If you and your breeding partner carry each a recessive MC1R gene 50 % chance
25 % chance
RR
RR
You
Breeding partner
RR You
25 % chance
RR
RR
RR
Breeding partner
You
Breeding partner
RR
RR
RR
Offspring
Offspring
Offspring
15 great films FEATURING redheads
Check out this list of movies with the most bad-ass redheads around. We guarantee that once you finish, you’ll be running to the nearest store to get red hair dye. (Though, if your parents ask, we’re certainly NOT condoning it.)
The Parent Trap It takes some sly work to pull off an entire charade that includes trading places with your long-lost twin sister, completely pulling one over on your parents, and hatching the most full-blown parental reunion ever. And the fact that Lindsay Lohan plays Annie AND Hallie just proves how badass redheads are IRL.
Easy A Olive basically becomes a name of notoriety overnight at her high school. Instead of going home and crying herself to sleep, she faces her enemies head-on and with all the fierceness in the world.
Enchanted We have to give credit where credits due. Instead of letting the Big Apple completely suck her soul, Giselle shares a little bit of her enchantments with the Empire State.
Confessions of a Shopaholic We’ve all been there. Maybe not in as deep as Rebecca Bloomwood, but we’ve all bought one shoe too many. Rebecca still manages to pick herself out of the brokegirl rut and embrace frugality in all it’s glory!
Man of Steel Lois Lane embodies beauty and brains. Not only does she totally win over hottie Clark Kent, but she also makes a name for herself as a hard-hitting journalist.
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix Out of all the girls at Hogwarts — yeah, we’re talking to you, Cho — who ends up with ‘The Boy Who Lived’? None other than Ginny Weasley. Need we say more?
Who Framed Roger Rabbit Can an animated character be hot? Yes. Jessica Rabbit is proof of that. She’s totally livin’ the life as a sultry performer and wife to no other than Roger Rabbit.
Spider Man That kiss. ‘Nuff said.
The Avengers A former foreign spy who knows how to kick some serious ass — the Black Widow is one chick whose bad side you do not want to be one.
The Little Mermaid Even when she didn’t have a voice, her hair game was so strong that it did all the talking for her.
Annie This little redheaded fireball totally took matters into her own hands and found herself the happy ending she deserved. Spoiler alert: the sun finally did come out for Annie.
Herbie: Fully Loaded Only a redhead as cool as Maggie would come across a magical car that assists her in proving all those alpha males wrong.
Moulin Rouge! Don’t pretend you have never danced around your house with this movie’s anthem blasting while you pretended to be Satine, the sensual and sexy nightclub dancer. Who wouldn’t want to be this redheaded ring leader?!
Brave Sorry mom, but the girl just can’t be tamed. And while Merida gets herself in some pretty deep shiz, she finds her way out of it and experiences the adventure of a lifetime.
Sixteen Candles Her sixteenth birthday may not start off as the picture perfect coming of age moment, but she still manages to steal the heart of her long-time crush and top off the day with the most perfect birthday kiss. www.teen.com
GENTLEMEN MAY PREFER BLONDES, BUT IT TAKES A REAL MAN TO HANDLE A REDHEAD.
and A FEW MORE
facts Yes, they are that interesting!
Red Hair And Blue Eyes Is The Rarest Combination In The World
a whole family of Weasleys who practiced witchcraft and wizardry.
While the concentration of redheads in the British Isles is pretty high, there are many places in the world where gingers are extremely rare or even nonexistent. If the entire world’s population is taken into account, redheads make up only 1% of the entire planet, making them the rarest natural hair colour in existence, which should really be something to celebrate, particularly when everyone is seeking to be individual.
Her magical redheads might have been the most virtuous of the entire Wizarding World, but that doesn’t hide the fact that they would have been burnt as witches during the Witch Hunt heyday even without expectoing any patronums.
If you take that 1% and examine the break-down of eye colours, the least common among red heads is blue, which makes the combination of red hair and blue eyes the rarest on Earth. If you are a redheaded, blue-eyed, lefty, then you are not only a genetic mutant but a statistical anomaly, and you should be heralded as a king or queen among men.
In James George Frazier’s The Golden Bough, he discusses characteristics of religions throughout history and states that past Christian communities also shared a distaste for redheaded people.
A Ginger Family Had To Move Because Of Discrimination A family in the UK, the Chapmans, and their four children were forced to move out of three different homes thanks to bullies who mercilessly attacked them for their hair colour. Their children were bullied at school, including one of the boys being punched repeatedly, their cars were smashed by vandals, their houses have been egged, and they have had offensive graffiti written on their walls. The behaviour had horrific impact on the family: their daughter locked herself in a bathroom when it got to be too much to handle and the oldest son was caught by his parents trying to hang himself.
Aristotle Had Issues With Redheads Even when we look at one of humanity’s finest specimen, a man universally associated with incredible accomplishments in logic, physics, biology, medicine, and philosophy – there is still anti-ginger prejudice. Aristotle himself is reported as once saying “The reddish are of bad character.”
Gingers Are Apparently Witches, Too… Among the 45,000 women killed between 1483 and 1784 for witchcraft were, you guessed it, redheads. Witch hunts were a notoriously inexact science and thousands of women were killed for having suspicious witch marks, one of which was red hair, a stereotype that was unhelpfully furthered in later years when J.K. Rowling created
Christian Communities Once Considered Red Hair A Mark Of The Devil
According to Frazier, many past Christian communities believed that “among the marks of the devil were syphilis, gonorrhea, leprosy, birthmarks, freckles, and-of-coursered hair,” as if those things are on a similar par. Who knows where this prejudice came from, but many speculate that old Christian communities believed that Judas was a ginger, which actually inspired many artists to paint Judas with red hair, despite any textual evidence from the Bible.
Ancient Egyptians And Romans Hated Gingers Too Who knew Egypt even had gingers? Apparently they not only had them, but they did not like them either, which isn’t at all surprising considering the number of other communities, cultures and individuals who openly hate them. Red hair was associated with the evil god, Seth, who the Greeks knew as Typhon. This dislike for redheads extended into ancient Greek and Roman communities. Romans showed their mistrust of the ginger people by giving their red wigs to the people playing slaves in their dramas. They were using red wigs centuries before Shakespeare made it cool.
Gingers Don’t Go Grey Red hair does not grey as much as other hair colours. Usually, it doesn’t at all. Typically, as redheads age, as their pigment fades, it fades to blonde and eventually white – but never grey. This is one of the rare mutant powers we have that is advantageous. Slightly.
There Were Ginger Neanderthals Scientists recently discovered that some Neanderthal people likely had the same genetic mutation that gingers have today, which means there were probably some redheaded Neanderthals out there. Scientists see no evidence of interbreeding between the Neanderthals and Homo Sapiens, which means the red hair gene probably popped up separately in the two species, which also suggests that ginger Neanderthal women were not as promiscuous as people would have you believe. Or maybe they were worried about deviant offspring, too.
Hitler Banned Intermarriage With Redheads Obviously, Hitler took issue with pretty much everyone: the Jewish people, non-white people, homosexuals, and Indiana Jones (Jr. and Sr.). And you can go ahead and add gingers to his list of undesirables, as reports say that Hitler banned intermarriages between redheads and non-redheads out of fear of “deviant offspring.” Right, because nobody would want deviant kids, given the threat that they might grow up to be power-hungry mass-murdering psychopaths or something.
An Irish Man Was Actually Convicted Because Of His Hair Color In 2001, an Irish man was on trial for alleged disorderly conduct, and you’d think that it would be fair to assume that the man would be judged fairly and lawfully based on evidence of his actions, rather than his physical appearance. But this assumption would be wrong, as in a breath-taking miscarriage of justice, the judge said to the man “I am a firm believer that hair colouring has an effect on temper, and your colouring suggests you have a temper.” Now remember that this occurred in the 21st century and a judge openly admitted that his decision was influenced by a prejudice based on hair colour, and the man was convicted for disorderly conduct.
Ancient Greeks Thought Redheads Were Vampires On an episode of South Park, Cartman stirs up fear about gingers by comparing them to vampires; after all, there are aesthetic similarities, including extremely pale skin, aversion to sunlight, and the colour red being associated
with blood. However, this myth was not created by Cartman, but was an actual legitimate fear held by the Ancient Greeks. Yes, the same people that invented democracy and philosophy also held the belief that, when redheads died, they turned into vampires. The entire notion is ridiculous, yet still sounds better than anything seen in Twilight.
No Love For Gingers In The Media Gingers have been hated on in the media throughout history, in all kinds of cultures, time periods, in all kinds of ways. As mentioned before, Shakespeare’s Shylock from The Merchant Of Venice is one of the most reviled characters in the history of literature, and he was often played by actors with red wigs when the show was performed on stage. Dickens also took a stab at gingers in Oliver Twist by making the criminal Fagan a redhead, and he also created the unlikeable Uriah, a redhead from David Copperfield. Additionally, the loud, drunken, ugly, obscene, and cuckolded Miller from Chaucer’s The Canterbury Tales was described as having bright red hair like a fox, and J.D. Salinger referenced the angry redhead stereotype in The Catcher in the Rye, writing “People with red hair are supposed to get mad very easily.” The main character in Gulliver’s Travels stated “It is observed that the red haired of both sexes are more libidinous and mischievous than the rest,” and Jack from Lord of the Flies is another example of a redhead vilified in literature. It’s not limited to literature though: gingers are vilified in A Christmas Story, Billy Madison, Hot Fuzz, Back To The Future, Air Bud, and we teach our kids to mistrust gingers in Air Bud and First Kid.
Gingers Have Less Hair Than Everybody Else Seriously, redheaded people actually have fewer hairs on their head than the rest of humanity. It’s a concept known as “hair density,” and for some reason, colonies of red hair are less dense than colonies of brown, black, and blonde hair. Most people aren’t really sure why this is; perhaps it allows us to absorb more sunlight on our scalp; perhaps we’re always pulling hair out due to our anger issues. As far as gingers are concerned, though, it’s the quality of hair that matters more than the quantity.
Redheads Are More Likely To Be Left-Handed As stated before, red hair comes from a recessive gene. Evidently, recessive genes often come in pairs, which means that people born with red hair are more likely to also be born left-handed. Again, mutants…
Ginger Women Are More Promiscuous, Studies Say On the other side of the coin, Marion Roach writes that the historical perception of ginger women is quite different. According to Roach, redheaded women are viewed by others as more promiscuous than blondes and brunettes. A German researcher in 2006 also declared that ginger women are more sexually active than non-ginger women. While this is still stereotyping, at least it’s slightly less reproachful than the stereotyping done to ginger men.
People Find Redheaded Men “Unattractive,” A Study Says Marion Roach wrote a book called The Roots Of Desire in which she discusses current and historical opinions of red haired people. In her studies, she finds that many people generally view redheaded males to be inferior in a lot of ways to men with other hair colours. “The historic reaction to the red-haired man was a kind of loathing,” she writes, attributing this to Shylock often being portrayed as a ginger in Shakespeare’s Merchant Of Venice. She also reports a 1986 study in which subjects generally described ginger men as “unattractive, less successful, and rather effeminate.”
Gingers Experience Pain Differently To The Rest Of The World Apparently, a side-effect of having red hair is that it makes you more sensitive to pain than other hair colours, because, genetically, pain receptors are linked to the mutated MC1R gene that causes red hair. As a result, studies have found that gingers require more anesthesia for dental or medical procedures than other hair colors, making this mutation essentially the opposite of a super power. It also means that your ginger jokes probably hurt more than you imagine they do.
Gingers Produce Their Own Vitamin D While sunlight may be the ginger’s kryptonite, in the right amount it is extremely beneficial. One of the reasons redheads fair so well in the British Isles is that our pigmentation is advantageous in cloudy, gloomy climates, because our pale skin allows us to absorb more sunlight than other people, which allows our bodies to create more vitamin D than our darker haired companions. Our ability to absorb sunlight where it is seemingly nonexistent is our strength, but it is ironically our downfall in sunny climates. It turns out the ginger mutation actually does come with special powers.
Gingers Are Mutants Most gingers know that there are certain stereotypes associated with our hair color. Feisty, fiery, and hottempered are all things that we are accused of being. The redheaded protagonist of Anne Of Green Gables is described this way by the narrator when she says: “her temper matches her hair.” And now, thanks to South Park, you can add “vampire” to the list of things we are accused of being. But the truth is far cooler – at least, if you like the X-Men, anyway – as we are mutants. The gene that causes red hair, which is recessive, comes from the MC1R, which is a genetic mutation. There are many things that we are not, but mutants is on the list of things that we actually are. This may or may not come with special mutant powers.
Ireland Does Not Have The Most Gingers Many people assume that gingers are as prevalent in Ireland as Red Sox fans in Fenway Park, but this simply is not the case. While Ireland has one of the highest concentrations of redheads in the world, we only make up about 10% of the population. The highest concentration is actually in Scotland, at about 13%. By comparison, the United States has anywhere from 2 to 5 % gingers. However, 5% of the US population is actually more gingers than 13% of Scots. For some reason, “redhead” and “Irish” have become synonymous. Maybe it’s because everyone assumes that all redheads are short-tempered and fiery, which makes them assume they are Irish.
www.whatculture.com
ONCE IN HIS LIFE, A MAN IS ENTITLED TO FALL MADLY IN LOVE WITH A GORGEOUS REDHEAD LUCILLE BALL
20 Songs red hair
1.
Willie Nelson
11. Caroline England
Red Headed Stranger
Ginger
2.
The White Stripes
12. Dolly Parton
Fell in Love With a Girl
Jolene
3. R.E.M.
13. Bob Dylan
Redhead Walking
4.
The Zutons
14. Air
Tangled up in blue
Valerie
5.
15. The Fever
Twin Sister
Redhead Girl
Ginger
Redhead
6.
Bruce Springsteen
16. Neil Young & Crazy Horse
Red Headed Woman
7.
Tim Minchin
17. Tim McGraw
Cinammon Girl
Prejudice
Red Rag Top
8.
Fox Comet
18. Gruff Rhys
Ginger Ninja
Fox
9. David Devant And His Spirit Wife
19. Shanneyganock
Ginger
10. Ed Sheeran
20. A very cellular song
You Need Me, I Don’t Need You
Red Haired Mary The Incredible String
WHILE THE REST OF THE SPECIES IS DESCENDED FROM APES, REDHEADS ARE DESCENDED FROM CATS MARK TWAIN
The queen of
DIAMONDS (The lost city)
Marcel
“The king on the run The queen on her own The family betrayed No kids for the throne” And her arms opened slowly Like gates of a medieval town Behind the knight in dishonour Queen Diamond closed her gown And turning from the city lost The gutted ruins made him cry Outstanding towers were falling The wells were running dry Cast out on the fields of war Where drunken troops meander His hands full of lower cards The king had to surrender “The king on the run The queen on her own The family betrayed No kids for the throne”
50 SHADES
of red nadia
Carrot top, Ginger, Big Red — we’ve heard them all. But, the next time someone tries to mock your standout locks, it’s time you school them with the proof of redheaded awesomeness.
Pros ver ‘standard’, ever!, you’re ne Best haircolour ls r as cute squirre same haircolou Cons tal, u’re temperamen People think yo es m na ck ni e sensible skin, th
Pros Contribution to the invention of the name “strawberry blonde�, contrast to dark clothes, when cool people touch your hear Cons Almost invisible eyebrows and eyelashes, sunscreen SPF 50+, when uncool people touch your hair
Cons ‘different’. u don’t wanna be As a teenager, yo use a lot of hair dye to d to That’s why I ha ’. become ‘normal Pros ise how r, you finally real As you get olde ircolour is. special your ha
Cons Name call in
g
Pros Being one o ments, es f a kind, you get a lo pecially fr om you h t of complino need to airdresser, dye your h already h ave every air, because you possible c head olour on y our
Pros ent”, freckles Being “differ in, Cons ir – uncool sk ent”, cool ha er iff “d ng ei B lling the name ca
Pros ts from strangers Getting complimen Cons knames All those ‘funny’ nic
YOU CAN SLEEP WITH A BLONDE, YOU CAN SLEEP WITH A BRUNETTE, BUT YOU WILL NEVER GET ANY SLEEP WITH A REDHEAD.
hypochondriac’s
notes
shrink All is not well in the life of Sara Moris. Her friends are in constant catfight mode, her dates end in panic attacks, her promotion went to somebody else and suddenly the only men she meets, seem to be “older”... Nothing a good therapist couldn’t fix in about an hour’s session or two. If only she just could get herself to make an appointment instead of writing notes to an imaginary doc! A serialized novel, part 8 the simps Follow the simps on twitter
Click here to read up on Sara’s previous adventures in the last editions of selfish. magazine! Things didn’t exactly get any easier after that. I had planed to use lunch with my mother to talk her into talking Sylvie out of that horrible enterprise of hers. A baby? Can you believe it? My plan was simple yet emotionally charged. My mother was to break the situation down to Sylvie like only a mother can, to convince her that a child wouldn’t, couldn’t possibly be the answer to her hopes and dreams so evidently veiled by grief and what does that irresponsible woman say? I mean my mother, not Sylvie. She said: “Good for her!”. Am I the only sane person left on this planet? Apparently this whole project was a little unorthodox, but all in all quite reasonable! Among others the word “understandable” was used. Oh and how could I almost forget about: “A strong decision by a strong woman!” Have you ever heard such non-sense? It was time to come up with a new plan and how best to come up with new strategies? Exactly right: Shopping. Only the sidewalks in Luxembourg City are not made for smooth retail therapy. Somebody had insisted on randomly placing ventilation grids with tiny, tiny bars in the middle of the footpath. Bars leaving spaces in between them that were the exact same size of a glossy leather stiletto heel. A heel that belonged to one of the shoes I was currently wearing. Not good, not good at all. The numerous people walking past me with their thoughts deeply invested in their afterwork plans didn’t exactly look like they cared or even noticed my dilemma for that matter. They did however ran into me. Frequently. Like this one guy who was so busy checking out the female underwear ad on some construction site, he didn’t even mind where he put his own feet. Until he bumped into me and his black amber eyes were placed mere millimeters from my own. Had I closed my eyes, our eyelashes would have touched. Of all people, this passerby had of course to be Stranger Danger. Probably on his way to my table at the Coffee lounge. If it hadn’t been for the heel, I would have made it first. Damn you, City planers.
He didn’t seem contrite, or apologetic, or distant. On the contrary, he beamed. “Hi.” He said, planted firmly in front of me. His accent put him where his facial features had already hinted at. I strongly suspected an Hispanic background of some kind. “Hi.” I responded hesitantly. I couldn’t walk away since I was trapped. Why he didn’t walk away, was beyond me. I felt like I had to explain myself. “I got a problem.” I continued. “So, I can see. But I must admit that I’m not familiar with this kind of particular issue.” He purred with a voice that was made of pure velvet. “My heel got stuck in this grill and I need to kneel down in order to pull it out gently, which might take a while. But each time I do, the crazy rush hour people want to run me over.” I wish I could tell you doc, that I said these words with straight shoulders, a clear voice and in control of the situation. But that would have been a lie. Carrying far too many shopping bags in my hands, balancing on one high-heeled foot while tucking at the other, I felt embarrassed and inadequate. “Well, every man dreams of an opportunity where he can show off his exemplary take on modern chivalry.” He said before he kneeled down, offered me his hand for support and freed my shoe from its predicament. Who even talks like that anymore? After carefully examining the fabric that covered the heel, he put it back on my foot. Did I just experience my very own, very first, very real life Cinderella moment? I briefly considered the possibility that he was gay - he had just saved my shoe rather expertly - but as he rose the fingertips of his hands subtly almost too casually grazed the back of my calf. This guy knew exactly what he was doing. And he was doing it on purpose. “See, that wasn’t so bad.” He concluded. “Were you headed for the Coffee Lounge? May I suggest to drown this little scare in caffeine?” Oh Lord, Stranger Danger knows who I am. And how perfectly his nickname turned out to fit him. This guy was pure peril. I know that I should have turned him down. I have enough on my plate. I do not need further complications. Or another naked bathroom rug incident.
“Buying you coffee is the least I can do to thank you”. I replied instead. Let’s not kid ourselves, doc. He saved my shoe. It was only the polite thing to do.
He purred with a voice that was made of pure
All I had to do now was to keep this line of thought up when he came back to our table and make adult, non committal, preferably vague small talk. How hard can that be? As it turns out, very.
velvet Of course, he insisted on ordering the coffee at the bar and paying for it. All what was left to do for me was to get comfortable at ‘our’ table and watch him interact with the waitress. While doing so, I realized two things. Number one was that his presence still annoyed me. This little encounter put me in an awkward position. I either had to look for a new coffee place or make conversation with him every time I ran into him and, judging his habits from the past few weeks, that might happen a lot. Number two was that this guy was out of my league. I mean, have you looked at him? Of course you haven’t, but let me tell you, he is hot. Tall, broad shoulders, easy smile, intriguing eyes, this is the kind of man I fall for. The kind of man the waitress at the counter falls for. A little innocent attention and she doesn’t remember how to put the milky foam on top of my cappuccino. And who can blame her? This guy is most definitely a natural womanizer. I knew without the shadow of a doubt that I could, probably would, fall for this guy. Badly. And quickly. For after bathroom guy is no longer an option, it is only a question of time before I find myself a new crush. This is also exactly the reason I can’t really blame Janine for her crushes. I might have a more physical connection with the objects of my affection at some point, but I fall for the unavailable too, the ones who won’t love me back. The truth is that he scared me. What he could potentially mean for me, for my emotional wellbeing, scared me. The recollection of what happened just six days ago was still too present, too unprocessed and raw. I wasn’t ready for another lengthy episode of unrequited love that made me quasi stalk him every free minute of my time this place was open and culminated in some sort of emotional breakdown. Not again.
For one thing he stared at me with this rogue smile that made me feel hot and queasy, asking me all kinds of question about myself and my life. He seemed generally interested in getting to know me. Getting to know me a lot better than is indicated for small talk situations. For another, he easily shared details from his own life. Enrique Castillo, originally from Belize had moved to London with his family when he was a teenager. He always knew he wanted to be an architect and therefore joined the London based office of Foster and partners over twenty years ago. Which made him a lot older than I thought he was. The grey hair at the temples should have been an indicator for that. He had just arrived in Luxembourg a few weeks back to supervise the construction of the block of buildings he had imagined on paper. This also explained why he always sat at this table. The third floor of the Coffee lounge is not only the quietest, which is why I like it, it also provides a great view over the construction site he supervised. Also, the concept of boundaries was virtually non-existent to him. “Tell me something nobody knows about you. Something only I would know. I needn’t be anything big or even significant. It might just be the color of your tooth brush.” He asked for instance. “Nice try. I suppose this is your way of asking wether or not I have a boyfriend?” I said, flirting back. What was I doing? This is exactly the opposite of what I wanted. Right? “Ah, I see. I can’t fool you.” He retorted. “No, no boyfriend. And the color of my toothbrush isn’t relevant, because that wouldn’t be a detail only you and I would know” I replied, grinning. This was even worse than I had anticipated. I imagined he would sabotage me, but that I would sabotage myself? “Oh, but I am sure, that we can find something for you and me to share.” He stated suggestively.
Ok. So I have to admit it. Some of the attention flattered me. There you have it. I believe that every girl needs attention and should be flattered on a regular basis. It is the only way to make sure we develop and maintain a healthy level of self-esteem. That is even twice as true on days a girl meets self-esteem aspirators like Jonas Clerveaux. But what now? There aren’t too many scenarios this could end in. I wasn’t too keen on any of them. I needed to stop this. Right away and for good. “My last date may or may not have ended in a panic attack.” I said. Good opener. Honest, straight to the point and very unsexy. “If I understand this setup correctly, there is only one outcome to this. And believe me when I tell you that even though I do want to have sex with you, I really don’t want to have sex with you.”
I believe that every girl needs attention
“To be honest, that would kind of suit me too.” He said after yet another moment of silent introspection. I must have looked like I didn’t understand, which I didn’t, because he continued “Do you want me to tell you something nobody else knows?” “Sure” I said simply. Knowing when to listen was my banking personality’s biggest assett. It makes me good at my job. It also makes me a good friend. I hope. He stirred his coffee with devotion. First with small circles in the middle of his cup, that then widened until the spoon’s edge touched the rim of the cup. “I won’t judge.” I said. That made him put the spoon next to the unopened recipients for sugar and milk on his saucer. “In the last 27 days, I unknowingly and unintentionally impregnated three different women.” He said staring out of the window obviously avoiding eye contact.
and should be flattered on a regular basis The look on his face froze. Then he laughed a hard cynic laugh and then he stared out of the window. Once we meet in person, doc, I will need more information on to how to interpret body language. More knowledge on that matter would have greatly facilitated knowing what to do next. Was I to explain further? To walk away and leave him alone forever. Just wait? Or what? I was still considering my options when he took a deep breath and turned his face back to me. His facial features were the same obviously, but the light, untroubled expression had gone. It was replaced by a more somber, more tormented touch. His entire posture had stiffened and his look hardened. “You Luxembourgers sure as hell don’t know how to let people in, do you’” He finally said. “They… We… are not known to be the most spontaneous or outgoing of all the world’s inhabitants.” I admitted.
Come again? What? He was now glaring at me. I figured he tried to read me, to see if I really did not judge. This next words were probably going to be the most crucial words he and I ever exchanged. “I see. And how would you like me to react to this? You can choose between the loyal and always supporting friend who would say something along the lines of : ‘This is unfortunate, but why would you be to blame? It’s not like you did it on purpose.’ Or the friend who always finds the upside in every situation like ‘You have come to a certain age now, it was time for you to settle down and have children anyway and this way you still have a huge amount of freedom in your life.” Or the strategic one already plotting your exit ‘Are you sure that all of these three women are pregnant and that you are the father?’”. At that he scoffed. “Why be the friend I want? Why not be the friend you are?”
He smiled a little sad smile before he continued “Does that mean you don’t need another friend?” Meaning probably that he was the one who needed the friend.
“To be honest, I don’t know nearly enough about you or your situation to any kind of friend.” I replied. He nodded, then picked up the spoon now using it like a conductor’s baton to choir of artificial sweetener in a punnet.
“You can never have too many friends. Let’s just not go… there.” I said using jazz hands to emphasize the “there”.
“A long, long time ago, my brother invited me to this party he was throwing with three other friends and I met this gorgeous and mysterious woman.” He start-
ed. Oh Lord at that speed, I was going to be here forever. ” I developed a major crush on her and I was pretty sure she liked me too but she insisted she was engaged to some other bloke. It turned out that other bloke was my brother.
“It may not be that inaccurate.” He replied, grinning also. Nope, he was still as dangerous as ever. With very virile sperm. Which made nicknaming him easy. He was henceforth to be known as Baby Daddy.
Sixteen years of marriage, three kids and a divorce later, I find myself still somewhat attracted to her and the day before I was supposed to come here I went to say goodbye to my godson and find myself alone with her, in my brother’s house and well … things happened. Things that
“Ok, I think that what you need is strategic friend.” I continued after giving it some thought. “Are we, and when I say we I actually mean you, absolutely sure that all of these three women are pregnant? And when I say sure I mean have-you-seen-a-pregnancy-test sure?” That caught his attention.
You are a manwhore!
were not supposed to happen and yet in some ways were supposed to happen for quite some time now. We were however very clear on what it meant and what it didn’t mean. I was actually even surprised when she called. I did not expect to hear from her again. At least not so soon and definitely not in this context.” He stopped, looked at me, saw me still listening and continued. “On my first weekend here, my new colleagues took me to this restaurant bar in Schueveyler? Is that correct?”
“Why would they lie?” “That means no, I guess. Figures.” I said sarcastically. “I have a big family with apparently just a single family value : reproduction. Which is why I know that getting pregnant, even when you plan for it, isn’t that easy. And achieving it three times over the span of a few days? Let’s just say that with these odds, you ought to play the ‘Euromillions’ lottery. First thing you need to do is confirm the pregnancies. Meaning that you will accompany all three women to their gynecologist. You are not waiting outside, you will be in the office and present for every single appointment.”
“Schouweiler?” I suggested.
“Selena lives in London.” He said dumbfunded.
“Yes, that place. And at some point they went home to their families and I went home with the waitress. Really nice girl. Very funny and very limber.” Ok, too much detail. “That was also always just supposed to be a one night stand…”. He said, gazing into empty space.
“Which is a 50 minute flight away from here, you’ll manage.” I retorted dryly. “And while you’re at it, you can have yourself tested for every sexually transmittable disease known to man. I mean, has nobody ever lectured you on the importance of birth control?”
“And the third one?” I asked.
“They all said…”
“Yeah, that was different. I worked late one night, so did my secretary.” He said. “That’s it?” I asked.
“I don’t care, what they said, I care about what you do.” What is going on with people? Is this really the second time I need to lecture seemingly reasonable adults on the benefits of safe intercourse?
“She was wearing tight, short clothes…?” he added.
“And then what?” He wanted to know.
“You are a manwhore.” I stated.
“And then we go from there.” I said.
“You said you wouldn’t judge.” He replied somewhat alarmed.
And that, doc, is how I handled Baby Daddy and his sex appeal. I became his personal therapist and life coach.
“Well, I guess, I lied.” I said, grinning. Not falling for this guy just got increasingly less difficult.
Follow all of Sara’s notes to her shrink, as selfish. will publish them chapter by chapter as a serialized novel in the next editions.
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nadia
LOVE IS THAT LITTLE GIRL WITH RED HAIR
CHARLIE BROWN
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