THE ISSUE ABOUT CHRISTMAS 6*13
Š Unless otherwise noted, the copyright for all parts (photographs, texts and illustrations) as well as for the whole design is reserved by myself.
CHRISTMAS noun
is an annual commemoration of the birth of Jesus Christ and a widely observed holiday, celebrated generally on December 25 by millions of people around the world. A feast central to the Christian liturgical year, it closes the Advent season and initiates the twelve days of Christmastide, which ends after the twelfth night. Christmas is a civil holiday in many of the world’s nations, is celebrated by an increasing number of non-Christians, and is an integral part of the Christmas and holiday season.
LET'S BE NAUGHTY AND SAVE SANTA THE TRIP.
GARY ALLAN
WINTER
mornings
I drink hot cocoa because it tastes like christmas and winter and big sweaters and I read books because the people in them remind me of you and I listen to lyrics because they sound like things I couldn't feel otherwise and I'm beginning to wonder if I do anything without twisted intentions.
I ONCE WANTED TO BECOME AN ATHEIST, BUT I GAVE UP – THEY HAVE NO HOLIDAYS.
HENNY YOUNGMAN
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YUMMY RECIPIES
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with a download link to every single one of them daolnwod
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'DONAUWELLE'– CUPCAKES What you need
What you do
1 jar of sour cherries 250g + 170g soft butter 80g cold butter 100g fresh cheese 4 Eggs 225g + 1 tablesp. Sugar 1 teasp. baking powder 1 sachet of vanilla sugar 250g plain flour 1 tablesp. cacao 1/4 l milk 1/2 sachet vanilla pudding 50g icing sugar 125g dark chocolate
* Let the cherries drip off and preheat your oven to 175°C. For the dough: * Use the whisk or a hand-held mixer for beating 250g butter and 225g sugar. Add the eggs one by one, then 250g flour and baking powder. * Use half of the dough to fill in your cupcake moulds. * Chop 50g of chocolate and mix with the cacao and the other half. * Put the dark dough on top of the other in your moulds, add some cherries. * Bake in the oven for 30-40minutes. Let cool down. For the topping: * Mix 5 tablespoons of milk, vanilla sugar, 1 tablespoon of sugar and vanilla pudding. * Boil up the remaining milk and slowly add the pudding mixture. Let simmer for 1 minute while stirring and fill into a bowl. * Chop 80g of butter, mix with the pudding and let cool down. * Use the whisk or a hand-held mixer for beating 170g of butter and icing sugar until foamy. Slowly add the vanilla pudding. Put the creme on top of each cupcake. Let coool down for at least 2 hours. * Chop 200g of chocolate and melt in water bath. Decorate your cupcakes with the glazing. Add a cherry on top.
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HAZELNUT– MACARONS What you need
What you do
200g Dark Chocolate 100g Hazelnuts 3 Egg Whites 200g Sugar 1 sachet of vanilla sugar 2 tablesp. Plain Flour baking paper
* Line 2 large baking trays with baking paper and preheat your oven to 150°C * Chop Chocolate and Hazelnuts * Use the whisk or a hand-held mixer for beating the white of eggs, add sugar and vanilla Sugar * Mix the hazelnuts, half of the chocolate and the flour in a bowl and slowly add them to the white of eggs. * Place the macaron mixture (approxim. 1 teaspoon) on the baking tray, bake for 20–30 minutes. * Let cool slightly, melt the rest of the chocolate in a water bath, decorate the macarons with it and let them dry for a while.
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FRESH CHEESE COOKIES download
What you need
What you do
50g cold butter 100g fresh cheese 1 Egg 75g Sugar 1 sachet of vanilla sugar 250g plain flour abricot jam baking paper
* Line 2 large baking trays with baking paper and preheat your oven to 200째C * Chop the butter. Use your handy to mix it with the flour, vanilla sugar, sugar, fresh cheese and egg to form a smooth dough * Cover and chill for approx. 30 minutes * Roll out the dough to a thickness of 4mm on a floured ground. Use a pastry cutter to cut out the cookies * Mix the hazelnuts, half of the chocolate and the flour in a bowl and slowly add them to the white of eggs * Place the cookies on the baking tray and let them bake for 7 minutes. Let cool slightly * Put some jelly on the cookies, paste two and two together and let them dry
OT C I R B A WITH JAM
POMEGRANATE VANILLA VODKA What you need
What you do
2 pomegranates 1 vanilla pod 300g white sugar 700ml vodka
* Cut the pomegranates in half and put the cores in a bowl * Slice the vanilla pod and scrape out the seeds * Mix the sugar, vanilla pod and mark, pomegranates and vodka and fill it in a bottle. * Store it in a cool place for 2-3 weeks until the sugar is completely absorbed. * Pour the Vodka-Pomegranate-Mix into a funnel and fill it in a resealable bottle.
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GINGER BREAD CANTUCCINI What you need
What you do
25g butter 2 Egg 175g Sugar 1 sachet of vanilla sugar 1 teasp. baking powder 2 teasp. of ginger bread spice 60g pistachios abricot jelly baking paper
* Line a baking tray with baking paper and preheat your oven to 175째C. * Mix the flour, sugar, vanilla sugar, ginger bread spice, baking powder in a bowl. Chop the butter in pieces and add the eggs. Knead the dough, add the pistachios and let it chill for 30 minutes. * Devide in 4 equal parts and make 4 rolls (diameter of approx. 3cm). Bake in the oven for 15 minutes. * Take the rolls out and cut them in slices. Put those on a new baking tray (you may need 2) and let them bake in the oven for another 8-10 minutes. Let cool.
WITH IOS H C A T S PI
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CHOCOLATE SPOONS What you need
What you do
your favorite chocolate toppings (hazelnuts, coconut...) spoons
* Chop the chocolate and melt in water bath * Fill the melted chocolate in spoons and decorate with a topping. Let cool down for a while Pimp your glass of warm milk with your jummy spoon whenever you feel like it!
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TOFFEE LOLLIES What you need
What you do
50g almonds 200 cream 280g syrup 190g sugar
* Mix the cream, syrup and sugar and let boil. Let simmer til it has a temperature of 122째C. Stir the dough and prepare the small toffee moulds on a platter. * Take the pot from the heat and add the almonds. Fill the mixture in the paperforms and let cool down.
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NUTELLA–JAM PIE POPS
What you need
What you do
200g cold butter 200g flour pinch of salt 50ml cold water Nutella (or jam) Lollipo sticks (not plastic) 2 eggs beaten up granulated sugar
* Line a baking tray with baking paper and preheat your oven to 175°C. * Mix the flour and salt in a bowl. Pinch together butter and flour mixture. Put into a chilled bowl. Add cold water and pinch together gently, until a dough forms * Wrap dough in plastic and chill for at least 2 hours * Roll out dough on a floured surface to about 3,5mm thickness. Using a circular cookie cutter, cut out as many circles as possible. * Scoop nutella (or filling of your choice) on a circle of dough, leaving an edge. Place a lollipop stick in the middle. Brush the edge with egg and top with another dough circle. Press together edges with a fork. Brush top with egg and sprinkle with sugar. * Place on baking sheet and bake for 15-25 minutes until golden brown.
CARAMEL CHOCO SLICE What you need
What you do
1cup oats 1cup flour 1 sup desiccated coconut 1/2cup brown sugar 150g melted butter 400g dulce de leche 2 tablesp. sirup 30g butter 200g chocolate
* preheat the oven to 180째C and line a baking tray with baking paper * combine the oats, flour, coconut, sugar and butter in a bowl. Press into the base of the prepared pan. Bake 10 minutes, until golden. * Combine dulce de leche, syrup and extra butter in pan, bring to boil stirring, reduce heat to low, simmer 5 minutes stirring until a golden brown colour, stirring constantly. * Pour caramel over base, return to oven, bake further 10 minutes, let cool. * melt the chocolate and spread it over the caramel. Let cool down.
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CARAMEL – CHOCO TARTLET What you need
What you do
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6 tartlets * Divide the dulce de leche between the pastry cases and, using the back of a spoon, spread evenly. Refrigerate for 30 min1 cup dulce de leche utes. 1/3cup heavy cream * Place the cream in a small saucepan over high heat and 120g dark chocolate bring to a boil. Remove from the heat, add the chocolate and sea salt flakes for sprinkling stir until smooth and glossy. Spread the tartlets with the ganache and refrigerate for 2 hours or until set. Sprinkle with salt to serve.
CHRISTMAS IS A TIME WHEN KIDS TELL SANTA WHAT THEY WANT AND ADULTS PAY FOR IT.
RICHARD LAMM
What? YOU STILL NEED A WALL CALENDAR FOR 2014
Wait, I might just have one… Choose between the ‘single pages’ or ‘spreads’ option, download the calendar, print it out on a sheet of paper and hang it on your wall.
TWENTYFOURTEEN
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facts christmas
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Norwegian scientists have hypothesized that Rudolph’s red nose is probably the result of a parasitic infection of his respiratory system. Each year more than 3 billion Christmas cards are sent in the U.S. alone. The traditional three colors of Christmas are green, red, and gold. Green has long been a symbol of life and rebirth; red symbolizes the blood of Christ, and gold represents light as well as wealth and royalty. According to data analyzed from Facebook posts, two weeks before Christmas is one of the two most popular times for couples to break up. However, Christmas Day is the least favorite day for breakups.
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Christmas trees usually grow for about 15 years before they are sold.
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In Poland, spiders or spider webs are common Christmas trees decorations because according to legend, a spider wove a blanket for Baby Jesus. In fact, Polish people consider spiders to be symbols of goodness and prosperity at Christmas.
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It is estimated that the single “White Christmas” by Irving Berlin is the best selling single of all time, with over 100 million sales worldwide.
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The earliest known Christmas tree decorations were apples.
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“Silent Night” was first sung as part of a church service in Austria. A guitar was used because the church organ was so badly rusted it couldn’t be played.
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In some western European countries, when distributing gifts, St. Nicholas is accompanied his servant, Black, who is responsible for actually dropping the presents down their recipients’ chimneys. He also punishes bad children by putting them in a bag and carrying them away to Spain.
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Christmas has different meanings around the world; Christmas Eve in Japan is a good day to eat fried chicken and strawberry shortcake.
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Artificial Christmas trees have outsold real ones since 1991.
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In Armenia, the traditional Christmas Eve meal consists of fried fish, lettuce and spinach.
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Electric Christmas lights were first used in 1854.
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The first commercial Christmas card was produced and sold in London in 1843.
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The song “Jingle Bells” was copyrighted in 1857. “Deck The Halls” is even older – from the late 18th century.
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The most expensive Christmas tree was decorated in the United Arab Emirates in 2010 at an estimated cost of over $11 million.
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The Germans made the first artificial Christmas trees out of dyed goose feathers.
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Contrary to popular belief, suicide rates during the Christmas holiday are low. The highest rates are during the spring.
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The Canadian province of Nova Scotia leads the world in exporting lobster, wild blueberries, and Christmas trees.
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Mistletoe is a plant that grows on willow and apple trees. It is supposed to possess mystical powers which bring good luck to the household and wards off evil spirits. It was also used as a sign of love and friendship in Norse mythology and that’s where the custom of kissing under Mistletoe comes from.
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The Christmas Candy Cane originated in Germany about 250 years ago. They started as straight white sugar sticks. A story says that a choirmaster was worried about the children sitting quietly all through the long Christmas nativity service. So he gave them candy canes to eat to keep them quiet.
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No one knows the real birthday of Jesus! No date is given in the Bible. Also, the birth of Jesus probably didn’t happen in the year 1AD but slightly earlier, somewhere between 2BC and 7BC. Pope Julius I. officially declared that the birth of Jesus would be celebrated on the 25th December.
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One of the main reasons we have the custom of giving and receiving presents at Christmas, is to remind us of the presents given to Jesus by the Wise Men: Frankincense, Gold and Myrrh.
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The shape of the poinsettia flower and leaves are sometimes thought as a symbol of the Star of Bethlehem which led the Wise Men to Jesus. The red colored leaves symbolize the blood of Christ. The white leaves represent his purity.
THE ONE THING WOMEN DON'T WANT TO FIND IN THEIR STOCKINGS ON CHRISTMAS MORNING IS THEIR HUSBAND. JOAN RIVERS
12 crazy CHRISTMAS traditions Christmas is celebrated all over the world, but every country has developed its own unique holiday traditions. Some are sweet, but others strike us as downright strange.
Australia
Mexico
It’s summer down under on Christmas Day. Temperatures in December are between 20+ and 28°. So Santa pulls up on the beach on his surfboard. The country had a devastating Christmas in 1974, when Cyclone Tracy came through the Northern Territory and more than 60 people were killed.
Christmas starts in Oaxaca with a parade of people walking down lantern-lit streets, and knocking on every door to re-enact Mary and Joseph’s search for shelter. Then, they break ceramic plates near the cathedral to signify the year’s end. India
Great Britain Children in Great Britain write their wish lists to Father Christmas and then instead of mailing the letters, they throw them in the back of the fire place, hoping the draft carries them up and to the North Pole. If the child’s letter catches fire before it flies up the chimney, the child must write a new letter. Venezuela On Christmas morning in Caracas, Venezuela the streets are closed to cars. Local residents then roller blade to church, shooting off fireworks and proclaiming “Jesus is Born!” Denmark Families in Denmark leave Nisse, a devilish elf, a bowl of rice pudding or porridge so he is nice to them. If families don’t leave pudding, presents may be stolen before the children awake. Estonia Estonians still follow the age-old tradition of visiting the local sauna for a bath on Christmas Eve. Finland In Finland, tradition calls for families to stop by the cemetery and commemorate the dead. It’s also typical for families to lunch on porridge with an almond hidden inside – and the one who finds the almond sings a song. France Before going to bed, children in France put their shoes by the fireplace. They hope that Pere Noel, France’s Santa, puts gifts in their shoes. He also hangs small toys, nuts and fruits on the tree. Spain The “Tió de Nadal” is a popular Christmas tradition in Catalonia. The log is typically propped up on sticks, and children are encouraged to feed it and cover it with blankets on the nights leading up to Christmas. On Christmas day, the log is placed in the fireplace and beaten with sticks so that it “drops” small presents.
India’s population is mainly Hindu and Muslim, but those who do celebrate Christmas tend to decorate mango or banana trees. Some people will even decorate their houses with mango leaves. Austria In Austria, December is a time for festive events and frights. Young men walk around dressed up as the Krampus, a devil-demon creature equipped with cowbells and rods, and usually accompanied by Nikolaus, a version of Santa Claus. Iceland Why have one Santa Claus when you can believe in 13? That’s what children do in Iceland, where the “13 Yule Lads” are said to come to town two weeks before Christmas, and leave after the holiday. Once depicted as mischievous, they have taken on a more benevolent role in recent years. Norway It is believed in Norway that on Christmas Eve, witches roam the skies along with other mischievous spirits. Since a witch’s prime mode of transportation is a broom, families hide all of their cleaning supplies attached to sticks, to stop the witches from stealing them. Czech Republic On Dec. 4, women in the Czech Republic place a cherry twig under water. If it blooms before Christmas Eve it means she will marry in the next year. Ukraine In the Ukraine, there’s a legend that a poor widow found a Christmas tree growing in her yard during the summer months. Her children were thrilled to finally have a tree, but she didn’t have money to decorate it. When the family woke up Christmas morning, a spider had spun a web around the tree, decorating it for the family. When the youngest child opened the window on Christmas day and light hit the web, the web turned to silver and gold. Now people in the Ukraine hide spider webs in their trees and whoever finds it Christmas day will have good luck that year. www.businessinsider.com
wrap IT UP Download your festive wrapping paper (DIN A3)
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CHRISTMAS IS A RACE TO SEE WHICH GIVES OUT FIRST, YOUR MONEY OR YOUR FEET.
money WELL
spent deirdre ann
My friends and I were supposed to spend Christmas Day at the Navy Pier festival. But then Toni and I screwed up. So there I was, watching Grampa shake his head with frustration. “How could you have given him that kind of money? You must have known that he’d get into trouble!” His face seemed to have produced more wrinkles since Thanksgiving dinner. His small eyes were hidden behind the deep creases. He looked like a grumpy old version of Santa, with his red chunky knit wool cardigan and his ghost white hair. “Grampa, we’re not kids. We knew what we were doing,” I said. “It’s my money and I can give it to whomever I wish. Don’t you worry, I know how to handle money perfectly well,” Aunt Maud said. At the other end of our large oak table, Ma was holding a plate of yams. “Christina! There’s no need for you to yell. Ask for the yams politely.” “She did the first time, Ma, but you didn’t hear her,” I said. “That’s true, Ma. You never hear me.” My sister was crying. Grammy and Uncle Harry were arguing. “He’s a fine mayor,” Uncle Harry said, “Give him time to prove himself.” “He’s had all the time he needs. I don’t trust him. He’s a republican in democrat clothing.” I fidgeted nervously on my seat, mouth open, ready to weigh in on this conversation also, but I was lost for words.
Politics has always been a mystery to me. Just when I thought about something clever to say, the living room door flew open and Dad’s broad silhouette appeared in the light shining in from the hall. “Miles, I have had enough! I don’t want to hear another word out of you --” I don’t remember the rest of the monologue, but it went on for quite a while. At the end of Dad’s speech, Ma looked at me intently and told me to be good now. Her dark, expressive eyes have always thrown me off a bit. They are so much in contrast with the rest of her. She moves around as if she is constantly afraid of bumping into something and stirring up the world she has set up for herself. A couple of hours later we were saying our goodbyes at the front door when Aunt Maud turned around and looked at me. “He’s been such a good boy,” she said. “Yes,” Ma said, “Chris really knows how to talk to him.” “Chris, I think we should let Miles catch up with his friends at the festival. Don’t you think?“ I called Toni right away. Her mom answered the phone saying Toni had been so quiet and well-behaved all evening that she was sure we were up to something and that she certainly could not allow her to go out tonight. I’m going to have to explain to Toni how parents operate.
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christmas
tree martine
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Get to know the photographer
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Are you more of a coffee or alkohol drinker? Definitely alcohol
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What was the last film you saw? On Tv: Ice Age II. On big screen: Heute bin ich blond
103. Do you believe in magic? No 137. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go? Indonesia 147. How many languages can you speak? 5 and a half
CHRISTMAS IS A TIME WHEN YOU GET HOMESICK, EVEN WHEN YOU'RE HOME.
CAROL NELSON
into THE
wild Download your snowed under iphone wallpaper
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a chill IN THE air jeannot
THE MAIN REASON SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
GEORGE CARLIN
Santa
Claus
RIGHT Idea has the
visit PEOPLE
ONCE a year
d a o l n Dow e her
29 Songs christmas
1.
Band Aid
17. Stevie Wonder
Do they know it’s christmas
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Chris Rea
18. Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
Driving home for christmas
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Doris Day
19. Aretha Franklin
Winter Wonderland
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Paul McCartney
20. Bobby Helms
Wonderful christmas time
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Bruce Springsteen
21. Mariah Carey
Santa Claus is coming to town
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Ella Fitzgerald
22. Jose Feliciano
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
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Cliff Richard
23. Dean Martin
Mistletoe and wine
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Dean Martin
24. Sammy Davis Jr.
Silent night
Someday at christmas Christmas all over again Kissin’ by the mistletoe Jingle bell rock All I want for christmas Feliz Navidad Let it snow One for my baby
9. Elton John
25. Otis Redding
Step into christmas
10. Bing Crosby
Merry christmas, baby
26. Nat King Cole
White christmas
This christmas song
11. Frank Sinatra
27. Eartha Kitt
Jingle Bells
Santa baby
12. The Carpenters
28. The Pogues and Kirsty MacColl
Merry christmas darling
Fairytale Of New York
13. Michael Buble
29. Wham!
Blue christmas
Last christmas
14. Paul Anka
It’s christmas everywhere
15. The Beach Boys
The man with all the toys
16. The Ronettes
Sleigh ride
n to e t s i L plete m o the c list on play cks 8tra
hypochondriac’s
notes
shrink All is not well in the life of Sara Moris. Her friends are in constant catfight mode, her dates end in panic attacks, her promotion went to somebody else and suddenly the only men she meets, seem to be “older”... Nothing a good therapist couldn’t fix in about an hour’s session or two. If only she just could get herself to make an appointment instead of writing notes to an imaginary doc! A serialized novel, part 4 the simps Follow the simps on twitter
Read up on Sara’s previous adventures in the last editions of selfish. magazine!
Anyway, that’s the kind of person you’d need to make sure Janine wouldn’t offend Lisa, Lisa wouldn’t lecture Sylvie and Sylvie – well Sylvie is one of a kind. But first things first.
Hi doc, it’s me. Again. I feel like maybe we got a little too focused on my job in the last installment of whatever this is. I blame the hangover. It made me think that this promotion who might bother me. As if. I’m one of those people that go to work because of the money. Ok, so the entertaining value of the continuous flow of juicy drama is a not to underestimated either. Glad, we could sort that out.
On Thursdays I have a standing lunch date with Janine Brucher. She might just be my closest friend. I simply adore her sense of humor and her sharp tongue, I appreciate her logic assessments of various situations and I couldn’t find a better match when it comes to movies and or TV series which we often like to discuss over the phone preferably while the show is still on.
I do however stumbled rather surprisingly onto the real issue at hand. Before I break it to you, I do however have a question. Do you charge as much for a diagnosis you merely confirm as for one you establish yourself? Because I would hate to pay you for something I largely contributed in. I’m just saying.
As I didn’t have my epiphany about what’s really wrong with me yet I was still wondering how to best approach the subject of my work related depression. Since I don’t know you yet, dear doctor, I’m not sure what your take on friend-to-friend therapy sessions is. I can only assume you approve of them because they enable some sort of catharsis? Yes?
According to my good friend Google we’re supposed to talk family history now. Due to recent events however I guess it would be more appropriate to introduce you to my friends first. And please beware I have the best friends in the world!
The mission however was a tad more difficult to accomplish because Janine was still worried about her job and wouldn’t stop grilling me about stock exchanges. Contrary to what you must think now Janine does not work in the financial sector.
I’m one of those people who go to work because of the money. Only they don’t speak to each other. It is even safe to say they despise one another, which makes birthday parties a diplomatic challenge if you understand what I mean. Once, about four years ago after the disaster known as my twenty-fifth birthday party, I even considered contacting the psychology department of some college and sell them my next birthday party as an opportunity to collect field experience. It needs to be either that or that place where they teach negotiators to be. You know the kind of guys they call once hostages have been taken. Like Bruce in the movie Hostage. Or like Kevin Spacey and Samuel L. Jackson in The Negotiator. By the way, I’m so happy he got casted for House of Cards. I kind of missed his acting skills.
She is a devoted pharmaceutical researcher and currently works on some kind of molecule that is supposed to revolutionize pancreatic cancer research. Now, this is my way of putting it and unless you’re keen on a 45 minutes lecture about human cells this is what you will have to do with. The reason why Janine is worried about her job is that the laboratory she works for is primarily funded by financial institutions and these are not doing so fine lately. Hence Janine’s interest in finances. Until that moment lunch was fairly predictable. The sudden apparition of a bright pink cloud of cashmere waiving at the waiter “I found them” before sitting at our table with the words “I have the most wonderful news!” was less normal. To be honest I was in complete shock. At first, I thought I’d mixed up dates. You see I have standing plans for every lunch break in the week. Every week. No making excuses. Much like children from broken homes, I had come to learn how best
to divide my lunch hours fairly between my friends, my family and my shopping addiction. On Mondays I have lunch with my mother. She insists. On Tuesdays I follow my shopping urges. These normally have to do with my Monday lunches and help to alleviate stress. On Thursdays Janine and I meet at the same restaurant at the same time since both of us had jobs. It’s tradition. On Fridays Sylvie takes me to one new hotspot after the other. I wouldn’t dare cancel this one and if I did I might not survive. And it’s on Wednesdays that I see Lisa for lunch. This might be the easiest to cancel if you can deal with babyblue eyes half-filled with tears asking you if there’s something you feel like talking about in our friendship. Unless of course your name is Jessica Silver and your skin is made of Teflon. Understandingly, I was a little overwhelmed when Lisa McAllister sat next to Janine with a face that is best described as radiant with joy. Lisa and I go way back to Upper High at International School when it still used to be the American School of Luxembourg. She was the new girl from Iowa and even though she probably was and still is the sweetest person ever she had difficulties making friends. All attempts would usually fail at the same invitation: Would you like to come to my church on Sunday? Yes, Lisa believes in God, creationism and everything that goes with it. She’s the there’s-something-good-in-everybody kind of person. Unfortunately, our classmates weren’t that spiritual. They soon considered her a religious freak and her church a creepy sect. The church actually is Methodist and I liked Lisa most because she would stand by her beliefs even though everybody else despised them. I admired her strength and her resistance to peer pressure. It took me a while to get her to let me chose some clothes for her, to convince her that movies and TV in general haven’t been invented by the devil and that going to coffee shops, shopping malls, nightclubs and bars was a way to have fun and that God doesn’t necessarily mind a little innocent fun. Strangely enough, she just very well might be the most physically attractive person I’ve ever met. Long, shiny blonde hair, an angelic face with full lips, bright baby-blue eyes and body a Victoria
Secret’s model would kill for. If ever you need to get in touch with any model agency, ask her. She’s easily got the business cards of about a dozen model scouts. “What is she doing here?” hissed Janine before I could answer anything.
Lisa believes in God, creationism and everything that goes with it. She’s the there’s-something-good-in-everybody kind of person. “Lisa! Hi. Did…did I miss something? How did you find us?” I asked her in English. You see doc I was born in New York and lived there until the age of six. I didn’t speak Luxemburgish or German or French when my mother and I moved in with her parents. Long story but technically I’m American. At the very least I still own an American passport. It’s why I went to International School. These days however, Lisa is about the only person I still speak English with. “Come on, you’ve been coming to this place for ever. You should really reconsider your choice by the way. We contacted the owner some time ago to sign a petition in order to improve working conditions for illegal immigrants in the food service industry and he refused to sign! Oh, girls you’ll be so happy for me!!! I’m engaged to be married!!!” Seamless transitions of subjects that have absolutely no relation with one another is kind of Lisa’s specialty. Janine seemed to have more trouble with this. She just muttered “… eh, what? …”.
Janine believes in evolution, facts and scientifically proven statements. No surprise there. Janine believes in evolution, facts and scientifically proven statements. This should give you an idea why she and Lisa never clicked. The discussions since college, where Janine and I shared a dorm, have been numerous, without exception outmost ugly and climaxed when Janine reduced Lisa to tears after she had innocently offered prayer lessons to help with stress before exams.
Unfortunately, not much has changed since then. Sure, they meet less often – if I can avoid it – that is. Obstinacy is the one thing they’ve got in common which in this case is clearly not helping. Also, Janine’s view of the world is rather a bleak one. She calls herself a realist but pessimist fits her so much better since she constantly expects the worst. Allegedly, this is the only appropriate reaction to the world we’re living in. The actionreaction kind of thing. I believe all this grumbling to be her shining armor: don’t expect much, don’t be disappointed much. Some call her contained but they don’t know her as well as I do. She likes to observe first and then if she likes what or whom she sees, she decides to “unfreeze”. Being short with thick black hair, glasses and a BMI that doesn’t classify her a bulimic, Janine is bound to have self-esteem issues. And this is the understatement of the year. Needless to say that she isn’t exactly successful when it comes to flirting or men not mention relationships. Her almost extreme romanticism doesn’t help. With Jane Austen as her favorite author, her expectations in finding a partner are high. She repeatedly develops major crushes on usually unavailable but extraordinarily desirable specimen of the male population whom she most secretly worships for at least 24 months.
With these explanations, it shouldn’t take a PHD to comprehend the source of the ever present tension between my lovely lady-friends. The current object of her affection is co-worker Danny. In his free time, the guy trains in mixed martial arts and he looks like it. Believe me I’ve met him. Unfortunately we’re only seven months into this particular romance, so Janine is still hopefully in love. With these explanations, it shouldn’t take a PHD to comprehend the source of the ever present tension between my lovely lady-friends. While I could only stare at Lisa, trying to figure out if she really said what I heard, Janine made use of her astute sense of logic. “Wow, somebody found his way to the goodies”. Nobody said logic couldn’t be vulgar.
To fully understand her remark though, you need to learn some more about Lisa. Remember the religious beliefs part? Well, Lisa vowed to herself and to God of course to refrain from any sexual intercourse before her wedding night. Meaning, at the age of 29 she is still a virgin. Not that there haven’t been guys. Looking like she does, there have been plenty. Only, they didn’t last long. Some have tried to make her change her mind longer than others did. So far none succeeded. “You’re only jealous because I found love – real love – and you’re still puppy-eying that colleague of yours that still doesn’t even know you exist…!” Lisa hissed. “You told her that?!!” Unfortunately, Janine wasn’t exactly whispering this.“ Damn, now I’m a part of this. Whatever this is. “Of course she did, she’s my best friend! And friends don’t have secrets” replied Lisa like it was the most natural thing in the world. I really needed to get back into that conversation and decided to change the subject. “Lisa, what happened? Who is this guy? How come you never told me about him? What…? ” “That much for secrets in friendships” murmured Janine under her drink, almost content. “His name’s Douglas – Doug – and we met at church…” Lisa chirped. “No kidding, what a surprise!” Janine innocently re-arranged her drink, napkin and cutlery as though she hadn’t said anything while Lisa continued. “ … and he’s a doctor, he’s just that warm, sweet man with this huge heart. He really cares. And he wants the same things I want” Condescending side glance to Janine. “… So, we decided to get married last night.” “I didn’t even know you were seeing somebody... I mean we talked last Friday and you didn’t even mention him!” I must admit I was a little alarmed at that point “Oh, I didn’t know him then.” She replied. “Excuse me?” Forget about alarmed. I’m thrown back.
“We met on Saturday, at the street rally for people without shelter.” She explained. “Lisa, you can’t agree to marry a guy you’ve known less than a week!” She can’t be serious. She’s lived in Luxembourg way too long, to pull off superficial crap like that. “Apparently, she can. Didn’t you listen to her properly?” Ignoring Janine again, Lisa replied “Oh, Sara, don’t you worry. I will know him longer by the time we’ll get married - Well I will know him one week exactly – But when you know, you know…” This is happening way to fast. I feel like I’m on one of these prank programs, without the celebrity part. “ … We’ll get married on Saturday! And since you cancelled lunch on me yesterday and didn’t call me back. I’m here to ask you to be my maid of honor!” Wow. No, this is W.O.W.! “Of course, you can wear your own dress, no bridesmaid costume like you hated at my sister’s wedding. Come on Sara, what do you say?” Say? How could I say anything, I had trouble thinking! “Lisa, are you sure this is what you want?” I asked. “Absolutely” she answered without hesitation. “But, isn’t this a bit … “ I started “Crazy? Nuts? Psychotic? Rash? The biggest mistake in her life? Plain stupid?” threw Janine in. “Stop being helpful, Janine! What I meant was … this rather comes as a surprise. I mean marrying a guy you met three days ago is … it’s just not like you.” Can one buy angelic tongues? I could use one of those right now. “Why? Because I can’t be spontaneous?” Lisa said “No, I mean yes. You can be spontaneous. I know you can. I’m just not sure that something as … crucial as a wedding, let alone a marriage, is a good place for spontaneity.” “Sara, he is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with.” I saw she grew more irritated with every question. This is not a really good sign.
“Great. I am happy for you. Really, I am. But how about an engagement first? You could get engaged for the time being and if things develop the way you expect them…” “Sara, I am getting married on Saturday with or without you. So, what’s it going to be?” Suddenly, she didn’t look all that radiant anymore. She looked… desperate. And aggressive. This isn’t like her. “I love you, Lisa. You know I do, but…” Damn it. There were so many words in my head, why wouldn’t they just come out? “Guess this means no, sister.” Interpreted Janine.
People stopped pretending they weren’t listening in on our conversation. I use conversation for lack of a better word of course. Because there is no word for this. “Would you stop interfering?” hissed Lisa to Janine. “This is none of your business, so stop contributing to this conversation.” Lisa continued “YOU crashed MY lunch. How can it not be my business?” replied Janine fiercely. “This is ridiculous. Why would my wedding be any of your concern?” Oh oh! Lisa raised her voice. Not good. Not good at all. Where’s this waiter person? Why can’t he hurry? Can’t he see this is an emergency? We could really deal with a little interruption to cool our heads. I could definitely use an break. On second thought, do I really want food served at our table? With plates, dips and potential projectiles in the form of hamburgers? What am I saying? Adding food to this conflict is like … selling weapons to some terrorist group and than be surprised they would use them! One simply shouldn’t provide people known for their volatile character with ammunition. “The only person your wedding should be of concern is your shrink. And if you aren’t seeing one, this definitely qualifies you to.” Janine teased. “I should see a shrink? You, who haven’t even been in ONE single relationship worth the name, tell ME to go see a shrink?” Ok, I realize you probably don’t like them to repeatedly refer to your profession with the
s word, but in order to be cured, I surely need to be as accurate as possible and well that’s the word they used. Sorry! Anyway, they kept yelling. People stopped pretending they weren’t listening in on our conversation. I use conversation for lack of a better word of course. Because there is no word for this. I thought about calling them. All I had to do was to reach discreetly into my purse, grab my phone and dial, say Janine’s number. This would have created the diversion I’d needed to maneuver Lisa out of the diner, talk her out of the wedding and be back before they serve lunch. Good plan, right? Ok, so it sucked, but at least it was a plan and I can’t hear you dearest of all doctor come up with a better one. “At least, I’m not a desperate freak who has to jump at the first wedding proposal to finally get laid.” Janine lashed out. “Second. This is my second wedding proposal. How about you, Janine? How many guys wanted to spend the rest of their lives with you?” and when Janine didn’t answer Lisa rose, grabbed her purse with shaking fingers and added snidely “Right, I wouldn’t want to get married to you either…”. That’s when the waiter finally showed up. I guess he didn’t get the memo that said plan A was to be aborted. Of course Lisa then bumped into the waiter – what else? – unstabilizing his delicate balance act. He did however seem to have circus experience because he acrobatically saved Lisa’s white jeans only to throw our ordered food on Janine’s blouse. “See? The Lord has a strong sense for justice!” added Lisa arrogantly.
“Aren’t you going to say something to her, Sara?” whined Lisa. “Yes, Sara. Aren’t you going to say something?” imitated Janine Lisa before I even had the chance to open my mouth. “You are one lousy friend! I can’t believe I wanted you to be my bridesmaid.” Lisa said under tears and fled the restaurant. Not only are my friends great when it comes to making scenes in public places, they also excel at blaming me! I was wondering how I was supposed to fix things this time and what in heaven’s name I was supposed to say to Lisa to a) stop her for being mad at me and b) refrain her from marrying a man she met three seconds ago when Janine asked “You’re not following her, are you?” “Yes Janine, I am.” I replied. “What about me?” “You wait here! We’re going to talk about you in detail once I’m back.” Unfortunately, Lisa had disappeared when I left the diner. I tried to call her on her cell but it went straight to voicemail. Pointless. Sometimes having friends is frustrating, disturbing, aching and pointless. A part of me was glad Lisa had already gone and I couldn’t talk to her anymore. That same part of me wanted to leave too. I didn’t. I took a deep breath and prepared for fight number two. See? I’m a good friend.
Before she could turn around and leave and under the constant “I’m sorry” waiter speech, Janine retorted: “I have a strong sense for justice myself!” grabbed one of the remaining hamburger corpses and threw it right into Lisa’s cleavage.
“So, she forgave you?” taunted Janine upon my return.
I have to admit, I felt like in kindergarten. A grownup surreal version of kindergarten, but kindergarten still. Not to mention that I now need to get creative looking for a name for this incident knowing all common denominations like disaster, catastrophe, -gate, etc have already been exhausted for naming other similar situations in the past.
“It’s just nice to see your priorities, though!” continued Janine “It’s Sylvie high in the sky, than Lisa, than Sara and just above the bottom that’s where I am.”
In situations like these, I tend towards shutting down and so I remained silent.
“Come on Janine, you know this isn’t true!” “You ran after her!”
“Listen, I really don’t want to fight with you! Plus, she was leaving.” “So, I have to be leaving as well for you to come and console me.” “What are you talking about? I am right here! Talk to me and I will console you as well.” “Like you helped me with Danny?” “What has Danny got to do with this?” “Everything. First you pretend to be there for me but can’t merely listen to how I feel and then you go and confine MY secrets to this fanatic in an alter girl’s disguise. I bet you laughed at me behind my back.” I didn’t like one bit where this was going. “Janine, I imagine you must be upset but I never laughed at you. If I were laughing at girls who have secret crushes on people I could as well be laughing at myself. And I am always listening to how you feel. I am listening to you even though how you feel hasn’t changed in the past seven months, even though I told you a thousand times to either ask him out or forget about him. I am still listening to you! And consoling you! And being there for you!” “You don’t know what it’s like to work with him. I can’t ask him out. What if he says no? I could never look him in the eyes ever again let alone continue working at his side.” “In that case, you either need to get another job or forget about him.” We’ve had this same conversation so often I know it by heart in all its variations. This was the perfect opener for a Kate Nash quote. “But what if he feels something for me too? He knows how I like my coffee best. When I said two sugars, he knew I meant three. Just like in Kate Nash’s The nicest thing. What if he wishes too that we could see if we could be something?” See? If you could bet on these kinds of things, I’d be a billionaire. It’s futile. Maybe it’s time for a little change in tactics.
“Look, if I were to drink coffee Jessica would know without a doubt how I like it. She knows plenty of stuff about me. She knows all my friends by name, she knows my mom’s birthday, she can even tell most of my cousins apart. And I have 17 of those. I am sorry to say this Janine, but when you introduced him to me at your Christmas party, he thought I was your sister. Somebody who’d love you would know you don’t have a sister. Sometimes, life isn’t a Kate Nash song. And thank God, life isn’t Kate Nash’s The nicest thing song. That is not a good song, It’s a sad, desperate and self-destructive song. Plus, I honestly don’t think that he loves you.” I couldn’t see her face because she was hiding it with her hands. I couldn’t see her expression, her look. I couldn’t read her. Regrettably, I couldn’t see her tears either. All I saw was that round little wet spot on her paper napkin and I instinctively knew I went too far. I had caused her pain. “I’m sorry Janine.” I apologized “I didn’t mean to hurt you.” Janine didn’t answer and scarcely said anything for the rest of the lunch which she mostly left untouched. Perhaps, Lisa is right after all. I am one lousy friend. It wasn’t until I was back at work that I had my epiphany about what’s wrong with me. I’m not depressed. Well maybe I am, but that’s not my main problem. No, I’m officially suffering from PTSD posttraumatic stress disorder. Being around my friends is like constantly living in a warzone. Or like kids whose parents are fighting all the time. Or like a mental facility where patients took control and put doctors behind bars. No wonder, I’m messed up. Also this has repercussions on the choice of my future doctor. I’m sure not every practicing therapist has experience in that domain. I guess, we won’t meet so fast after all. …to be continued
Follow all of Sara’s notes to her shrink, as selfish. will publish them chapter by chapter as a serialized novel in the next editions.
let’s BE
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TIS THE SEASON TO BE JOLLY, FA LA LA LA LA, LA LA LA LA
CH M E RI RR ST Y M AS
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nadia
Endless giftwrapping, laughing at bad jokes your uncle made, changing presents after pretending they were awesome, singing out of tune, kissing under the mistletoe, baking cookies, misbehaving at christmas staff parties, cheating at table games and 6 days of eating (too much) greasy, unhealthy food: Christmas really is the most wonderful time of the year! Make the best out of it and enjoy those last days of 2013! Merry christmas and a happy new year
(Don’t forget to be selfish. & buy yourself the biggest present!)
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