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Enter the weird world of Strange News Need a break? Head for the hills & visit Al Lago Restaurant & Hotel We go to Brazil in Around the World NEW FEATURE: Fuengirola Map New Art Studio open in Monda, JoeDaisy Studio More expert advice from Deep Blue Pools NEW FEATURE: Alhaurin el Grande Map Need a hand with the gardening? Rosie’s Patch For all your catering needs, Freskisol It’s those one-liners, it’s Jimmy Carr Kids or Adults, this one’s for you, Trumps Bouncy Castle Hire Is it your lucky month? Find out in your Horoscopes Flying high - can they qualify for Europe? Malaga C.F We explore the world of stupidity in Darwin Awards Got a minute, you’ll need it! Puzzle Page Lighten up with Asda’s new recruits, Jokes Microsoft launches its new Windows 7, Wacky World of Computers Services on the Costa del Sol, Business Directory
Footballer puts wind up referee A referee ordered a penalty to be retaken in a Sunday league football game when an opposition player broke wind as the ball was kicked. The Chorlton Villa player got a yellow card for the noise which was classed as "unsporting behaviour". The team, who conceded a goal on the second take, went on to win the match 6-4. Villa manager Ian Treadwell said "One of our players 'broke wind' and only the referee heard it and he booked the player." "The other player had the penalty saved because it was a bad penalty; it was nothing to do with any noise. They were as shocked as we were as to why." Mr Treadwell said: "We are not a dirty team and we like to play football.�
Red-faced police crack mystery Irish police chasing a Polish driver who had apparently committed more then 50 motoring offences have discovered the embarrassing truth. Officers had been puzzled how the mysterious 'Prawo Jazdy' had always produced his documents - but with a different address each time. However, they have now discovered that 'Prawo Jazdy' is Polish for driving licence. An internal Garda memo, reported in Irish papers, said officers taking details of Polish traffic offenders had been mistakenly using 'Prawo Jazdy', printed in the top right corner of the driving licence, as the holder's name. "Prawo Jazdy is actually the Polish for driving licence and not the first and surname on the licence," the police memo said. "It is quite embarrassing to see the system has created Prawo Jazdy as a person with over 50 identities."
In The Spotlight: Al Lago Restaurant and Hotel Al Lago is a new boutique hotel perfectly positioned in the heart of the Sierra de Grazalema, close to the Roman town of Ronda (only 1 hour 45 min from Malaga). Overlooking the spring fed Lake Zahara de la Sierra, the hotel has a restaurant, now in its fourth year, renowned for its contemporary interpretation of Spanish cuisine as well as the breath taking views from its terrace. The restaurant, open for lunch and dinner, is the passion of Chef/owner Stefan Crites an American who worked in New York as a chef for 13 years before moving to this tiny Andalucian pueblo together with his wife Mona and their children. His food focuses on locally sourced high quality, often organic produce to create a cuisine based on the recipes of classic rural Spain with hints of eastern and Moorish influences. Hotel interiors are strikingly simple with a focus on understated luxury; comfortable beds, crisp linens, polished natural plaster walls and soothing earth tones. Each room has wrought iron French doors opening onto balconies with views over the lake and mountains. The bathrooms are finished in local Ronda stone with modern white fixtures. There is also a small roof terrace to take in the sun and relax. With only four double bedrooms Al Lago´s friendly staff are able to offer a personalised service. This tranquil area is perfect for nature lovers, bird watchers, painters, hikers, cyclists and horse riding as well as offering the opportunity to swim in spring water and canoe in the lake during the summer months. For the more adventurous there is paragliding in nearby Algodonales and hot air ballooning in Ronda. Check the website or call for more information. Al Lago, hotel restaurant by the lake. C/ Felix Rodriguez de la Fuente 11, Zahara de la Sierra, 11688 Cadiz. www.al-lago.es info@al-lago.es 956 123 032 or 662 052 553
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 on a little bottle of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? If pro and con are opposites, wouldn't the opposite of progress be congress? Why is it that on a phone or calculator the number five has a little dot on it? Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed? Why is it that when we "skate on thin ice", we can "end up in hot water"? If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches? Why do caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing? When lightning strikes the ocean why don't all the fish die? Why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? The Human Body: It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach. One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb). The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb. Human thighbones concrete.
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There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet. Women reading this will be finished now. Men are still busy checking their thumbs.
Famous for: Carnivals, beaches and winning the FIFA World Cup 5 times! Biggest Celebrity: Pele
Around the world - Brazil Population: 2008 estimate 196,342,592 (2007 census 189,987,291) 5th largest in the world. Total Area: 8,514,877 km2 (the largest country in Latin America) Location: South America Language: Portuguese Capital City: Brasilia (considered one of the world’s most beautiful cities). Largest City: Sao Paulo Currency: Brazilian real Main Exports: aircraft, coffee, automobiles, soybean, iron ore, steel, ethanol, corned beef. Life Expectancy: 69 years (men), 76 years (women)
National Sport: Football World’s Biggest: Brazil has the biggest rain forest of the world, the Amazon forest. Brazil has the biggest river because it carries more water than any other river. The Amazon's discharge at its mouth is approximately 7 million cubic feet per second. Brazil is the largest coffee producer in the world at 17,000,000 tonnes in 2008. Brazil shares the world’s largest dam “Itaipu dam” with Paraguay – The amount of concrete used to build the Itaipu Power Plant would be enough to build 210 football stadiums. The iron and steel used would allow for the construction of 380 Eiffel Towers. The volume of excavation of earth and rock in Itaipu is 8.5 times greater than that of the Channel Tunnel and around forty thousand people worked in the construction.
Seven Wonders: The Itaipu Dam is one of the Seven Wonders of the Modern World. Brazil has one of the New 7 Wonders of the World, the Christ Redeemer statue in Rio de Janeiro stands some 38 meters tall. How many borders? Brazil borders ten countries! They are Argentina, Bolivia, Colombia, French Guyana, Guyana, Paraguay, Peru, Suriname, Uruguay, and Venezuela. Save the Trees: Of the 250,000 species of higher plants known to science, 45,000 can be found in the Amazon rain forest. About a quarter of the medicines used in the developed world contain elements extracted from tropical forests. The Amazon rain forest has already given us rubber, manioc (cassava) and cocoa, as well as anti-malarial drugs, cancer drugs and hundreds of other medicinal plants. Plus, it reduces carbon in the atmosphere. Brazil also leads in the reduction of gas and emissions. In Brazil, 4 million cars already run on gasohol instead of petrol. Gasohol is
made from the natural resource sugarcane. Anaconda Love: When Anacondas mate, they wind themselves together into a ‘breeding ball’ that can consist of two to twelve males around a single female. They can stay like this for two to four weeks. As a sign of endearment, sometimes the female snakes cannibalize a couple of the males after. Experts think that they may eat their breeding partners in order to survive the seven-month fast during pregnancy. Man bites Piranha: Why are people scared of piranhas? The fish should be frightened of us, as humans eat piranhas a billion times more often than piranhas eat people. They’re reasonably tasty, if a bit small and bony. Amazing but True: Brazil is home to many transsexuals and it has become a big problem with the masses and government. So to solve the problem they will be putting in separate washrooms with "T" on the doors alongside the usual "W" for women’s and "M" for men’s.
Avocados have more protein than any other fruit. The average car produces a pound of pollution every 25 miles! The most powerful electric eel is found in the rivers of Brazil, Columbia, Venezuela, and Peru, and produces a shock of 400-650 volts. If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction. Antarctica is the only land on our planet that is not owned by any country. In India, people are legally allowed to marry a dog! You are more likely to get attacked by a cow than a shark. Half of all identity thieves are either relatives, friends, or neighbours of their victims. A snail crawls about 2.5 meters an hour. "Rhythm" is the longest English word without a vowel. One quarter of the bones in your body, are in your feet! Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different! The average lead pencil will draw a line 35 miles long or write approximately 50,000 English words. More people are allergic to cow's milk than any other food. Camels have three eyelids to protect themselves from blowing sand. The placement of a donkey's eyes in its heads enables it to see all four feet at all times!
Preparation time: 5 minutes Cooking Time: 20 minutes Serves: 4 – 6 people
Hot Potato Salad With the warmer weather here I thought it was time for a salad recipe. This hot potato salad is the perfect accompaniment to any meat or fish dish and perfect Barbie food (BBQ that is). It does have a bit of a kick to it but you can of course make it as hot as you like.
Ingredients: Potatoes x 10 medium size cut into chunks Shallots x 2 bunches Apricot jam x 1 small jar Hot curry powder x 2 tbsp Tomato paste x 1 small tin Paprika x 1 tbsp Mayonnaise x 500 gm jar Coleslaw dressing x 250 gm jar Fresh parsley or chives to garnish
Method: Boil potatoes until cooked then drain (I like to leave the skins on but again you can peel the potatoes if you prefer). While the potatoes are cooking make the sauce as follows: SautĂŠ shallots in oil until clear, add curry powder and stir in well for about 2 minutes. Add the apricot jam, tomato paste and paprika and mix well until nicely combined on a low heat (approx 10 mins). Allow to cool then pour over potatoes and garnish with parsley or chives.
Enjoy!
Motor Insurance Claims "Going to work at 7am this morning I drove out of my drive straight into a bus. The bus was 5 minutes early." "I was driving along when I saw two kangaroos copulating in the middle of the road causing me to ejaculate through the sun roof." Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: Travelled by bus? The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo. "I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control." "I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight." "The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again." "I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment." "I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way." "In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole." "I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident." "An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished." "I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows." "Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have." "I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it." "The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."
In The Spotlight: JoeDaisy Studio At last!! An enterprising UK art studio has opened in Spain. The name of the Studio is "JoeDaisy" and it is situated in the lovely white pueblo of Monda, just 15 minutes inland from Marbella. The studio is run by artists, Alex and Ruth and it is a large cool space, fitted out with professional easels, canvas, paper, the best acrylic paints, watercolours and the best brushes-in fact everything you could wish for to create that masterpiece! You can paint for a Day, or an Evening, Weekend, Week course or even receive professional tuition with professional materials by the hour. The philosophy of the Studio is to "Bring Out the Artist IN YOU!" so everyone has individual attention and you can paint in watercolour, acrylics or oils. The teaching is professional but relaxed and enjoyable. JoeDaisy was started in the UK in 1999 by Caroline Hulse FRSA - who is a Master Painter. She will personally be taking courses in Spain from May 18th to July 31st this summer. JoeDaisy Studio is an outstandingly successful art course provider in the UK and the same exceptional teaching is provided in Spain. The UK web site is www.joedaisy.co.uk - have a look at their remarkable testimonials and see what other students have created on their courses or look at www.joedaisyspain.com to see what they offer in Monda. Telephone them on 952 457 127 or book online. Visit them in Monda (it’s closer than you think) studio hours are Monday to Friday 10.00am - 5.00pm. They really look forward to seeing you.
PoolSchool - Maintain your own pool to reduce running costs As a pool owner, you probably have a rough idea of how to keep your pool clean and the water looking good. But are you doing it right? A swimming pool is a sophisticated piece of equipment. Don’t expect to know everything about it without asking questions or you'll find yourself with smelly water, a green pool and hair to match! Keeping fifty tons of open water in crystal clear condition isn’t easy. A pool comes under assault from algae and fungal spores, garden debris, rain, sun, wildlife, pets, building/quarry/road dust and many other pollutants. Then humans get into the water and add their share of sun-oils, hair, dead skin, body fats and urine - (yes, I'm afraid kids still do). When pools go bad, they can go bad really quickly. A properly maintained pool is both visually and biologically clean. You can tell if it’s visually clean just by looking at it, but ‘biologically clean’? How will you know? Use a test kit to measure your pool’s chlorine and pH levels. (Your pool-shop can show you how). If you maintain the correct chlorine and pH levels bacteria and algae will be killed, your pool will be ‘biologically clean’ and you will never be troubled by algae. ‘pH’ refers to the acidity/alkalinity level of your pool water. pH is vital because, unless it’s within a certain range, the chlorine can’t interact chemically with the bacteria and algae it’s supposed to kill. In other words, unless your pH range is properly adjusted, chlorine won’t help keep your pool as clean as it should be. Most pool owners don’t realise how important the pH level is. The proper range is 7.2 - 7.6. Measure your pool’s current pH level. If it’s too high (your test kit tells you how to determine that), add ‘pH minus.’ If it’s too low, add ‘pH plus.’ ‘pH minus’ & ‘pH plus’ are stocked by your pool-shop. Next check the chlorine level. The ideal residual chlorine level is 1 - 3 parts per million (ppm).
Different types of chlorine are available but we recommend just one type: - Any chlorine, granular, powdered or tablets that is described as ‘Stabilised Trichlor’, because it’s very effective in fighting bacteria and algae, it’s very easy to use, and it lasts 4 to 5 times longer than liquid bleach, shock chlorine or calcium hypochlorite. Stabilised Trichlor may cost more initially, but will save you money in the long run. The sun will destroy liquid chlorine (‘shock’) or calcium hypochlorite after 4 hours. Stabilised Trichlor will keep working for over 24 hours when dissolved, so more chlorine is left in the water to do the job of sanitising, and less is wasted by being burned off by the sun. Stabilised Chlorine will last longer than 2-3 times the amount of unstabilised chlorine. For most pools we recommend using the 200 grams slow dissolving ‘hockey puck’ tablets. With pH at 7.4, one of these tablets (per 50 cubic metres of water) will raise the Free Chlorine by 1.5 ppm. Mix granulated or powder chlorine with water in a bucket first. This ensures that you don't stain your pool. Remember, add chemicals to water, never water to chemicals. Always wash your hands after handling chemicals. Tablets are easier to use; put them either into your skimmer basket or, if you have one, your chlorine feeder. One tablet for each 50 cubic metres is typical, but you may need more in the really hot weather, or after a rainstorm. Along with the up-keep of pH balance and chlorine level, there are several other important aspects of pool maintenance. These include vacuuming, back-washing, super-chlorination, pump-room operations and an understanding of your own filtration/circulation system. We cover all of these subjects and much more on our PoolSchool course, which is customised to each individual pool and taught at your own pool. PoolSchool Graduates learn all about looking after their own pools - and they get a PoolSchool Book! (RRP€15) Ken Walker is the Director of PoolSchool and Deep Blue Pools. Contact 952 499 059. Copyright remains with Author
L.I.V.E. A Step nearer the swimming pool for the Children’s Home LIVE, the ex pat charity supporting the Malaga Children’s Home, took a step nearer to raising the money for a new swimming pool for La Ciudad de los Niños at the fun day in Torrox last Saturday. Enjoying a balmy day At the El Ancla beach restaurant, supporters made another €1500 towards the swimming pool appeal. With music provided by local bands, sideshows, a BBQ, and an array of stalls to entertain and amuse, a crowd of well-wishers turned out to support the event and meet some of the children from La Ciudad de Los Niños. “Everyone enjoyed the day, especially the children, they spent hours playing splat the rat, pitching horseshoes, beat the goalie, darting the card or simply enjoying some great music. It was a pleasure seeing their smiling faces when they finally left clutching a mountain of prizes and sweets they had won on the sideshows”, said Brian Marsh, chairman of LIVE. “The support was amazing and I want to thank everyone who worked so hard to make a great day at Torrox. We want to have the pool installed for when the school summer holiday starts at the end of June. We still need to raise more money so if anyone wants to help they should visit our website www.live-spain.org to click and donate or contact Chairman Brian March on 620 791 441”. The Home on the outskirts of Malaga has lost most of its sports facilities due to the construction of the new motorway.
Dates to look out for this month: June 7th: JK’s (Poligono La Trocha, Coin) are organising a Street Party with Live Entertainment throughout the day. Food & Tapas will be available as of course a full drinks bar. Plenty of parking, DON’T MISS OUT!!!! more to follow in the June edition...
Many of us struggle with gardens scattered with rocks on sloping banks making gardening very difficult, therefore a colourful rockery can be an attractive feature flowering year round. There are many flowering and foliage plants growing well in the rocky conditions, the rocks providing shade for plants and also maintaining moisture. It could be you have an area of builders rubbish, in this case cover the bricks and rubble with approximately 30cm of good quality soil, watering well so all the spaces are filled with soil, and then randomly place good sized rocks making an attractive feature to plant into. If you want to be more adventurous consider adding a water feature, a cascade or waterfall or maybe a pond if you have a large area. The sound of water can be extremely relaxing on those hot summer days. Choosing your plants can be fun and not necessarily expensive, remember small cuttings will soon multiply. Consider succulents with interesting shapes, most are drought resistant, Lampranthus gives spectacular colour in red, orange, pink and yellow and spreads quickly. Aeonium, evergreen and grows taller to 0.5 metres but can provide good shade and looks
attractive all year round, easily propagated from branches that break off. Bulbous plants are ideal for rockeries, Hyacinthus in groups of many colours and what a wonderful scent in the early evening. Cyclamen's in bright pinks, reds and white with mottled and marbled shiny leaves, flowering during the winter months. Ground cover plants, Gazania and Verbena both ideal for summer colour and like full sun. Spider plants and Tradescantia tumbling over larger rocks, blending in perfectly with brighter plants but their contrasting foliage. Perennials, Felicia, with its small blue daisy flower and Dianthus ideal in cracks in walls and rockeries with its many pretty flowers which will spread into all those nooks and crannies. And how about planting your favourite herbs between rocks, Chives with its pretty pink flower or Basil with its deep green leaves. Rockeries are a rewarding feature changing with the seasons, hope you enjoy yours as I do.
Til next month....
Rosie
In The Spotlight: Freskisol, your one stop shop! We stock almost all your British goods – Jackson’s bread, Heinz Soups, Tinned meats, all sauces, herbs, eggs, cheese, dairy products and ice creams. We also have a great selection of fish & seafood, Irish sirloin & fillet steaks (Beef joints), lamb, bacon, sausages, gammon joints, gammon steaks, pork loin, joints, chops, fresh veg, potatoes and fruit. In fact for all your catering needs its got to be Freskisol. We have a fleet of refrigerated vans that deliver daily along the coast or if you prefer to call in you save 10% on the bill. We now also do an Inland delivery service on Tuesday’s & Friday’s. For a price list and info please call Wendy on 635 630 370. So call in and see us or give us a call “We’ve got it all at Freskisol”. Tel: 952 371 521 Mob: 609 026 544 / 653 939 550 Fax: 952 388 919 Parque Empresarial El Pinillo, C/ Manuel Franco Cubero 9, Torremolinos. Web: www.freskisol.es Email: freskisol@freskisol.com
Jimmy Carr Quotes... I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead. I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand. I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help thinking, she should move. British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray! In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza. There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me "oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys". Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be YOUR fault? Boxers don't have sex before a fight, do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other. I'd like to leave you ladies and gentlemen with this frightening fact: I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but if you took all the money that we in the West spend on food in one week, you could feed the Third World for one year. I'm not sure about you people, but I think we're being overcharged on groceries. No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea. My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian...
In The Spotlight: Trumps Bouncy Castle Hire Trumps is a long established fun hire and Bouncy Castle company now under new Management. We have a great selection of Bouncy Castles ranging from 12 foot square to 18 foot square, and with various themes. We also have a giant 25 foot Waterslide for those long hot days and nights for cooling off in the pool. If something a bit more energetic is for you, then why not try our fantastic and popular 'Gladiators game'. Just climb the podium, take up your battling buds and wait for you're referee to say 'GLADIATORS, ARE YOU READY??'.. '3-2-1-GO!!'. So much fun and at a party you will be the talk of your friends for months after. For an added bonus to your venue, Why not hire a Candy Floss Machine? We have various colours like the ever popular pink, green, orange and yellow. New for 2009 we have flavourings too, there is Strawberry Pink, Banana Yellow and Blue Raspberry. Also coming soon is our new Slush Puppy Machine, what better way to keep the kids hydrated when they have been bouncing on the castle. Prices are on request and subject to availability so book quickly!!! Call Kerry on 667-242-193 for all information, quotes and any assistance. Or visit www.trumpsfunhire.com to view our Castles, Waterslide, Gladiators, Trampoline, Candy Floss Machine and much, much more.
CAPRICORN - A friend in need is a friend indeed – someone will be asking you for help and you will feel pleased that they feel comfortable enough with you to reveal a big secret. Your house starts to feel more like home as you surround yourself with creature comforts, a dispute starts to heal and you look forward to looking ahead. Let your creativity flow from the 18th and you will be amazed at how much you can achieve and the quality of your work. Stay calm with dealing with authority figures, keep your cool and you will have the upper hand.
AQUARIUS - There will be a return to an issue that raised its head in April, instead of reacting in anger you should take care to make sure that you state effectively and clearly what you really want or your voice will go unheard. A friend will prove to be a big help by lending a listening ear, allowing you to view your situation with some objectivity. There may be a surprise attraction towards a close friend towards the end of the month and this person may also have your best interests at heart. PISCES - You may be able to see the whole picture with regard to a situation close to your heart but another may not be ready to accept your perspective. All you can do is offer your support and be there for them when they need you. A blast from the past may contact you out of the blue and this contact could lead to some interesting discussions with regard to a business opportunity. A desire to make money this month is strong but so is the desire to spend. Towards the end of the month take some time out to pamper yourself.
ARIES - Magnetic brilliance, you are radiating charm, energy and dynamic creativity, no wonder everyone wants to be with you. Even if times have been complicated of late, especially in the love arena, it matters not; the world is fast appreciating your no-nonsense and straight forward approach. Spending time with friends is likely to bring much joy. Make sure you slow down a bit mid-month - even you cannot go on like a steam train forever, make sure you fit in some down time. After 15th making plans and laying down roots is easier. TAURUS - There is a lot going on behind closed doors, a private love affair could heat up to another level especially near the end of the month when there is plenty of love and romance in store. By the same token another person may be trying to outsmart you and ‘get all they can’ from you. Just don’t be taken in by false promises or give in to requests that are outlandish in their nature. Keep your own council this month. A new outlook and refreshing wave of inspiring energy heads your way which makes you look at ‘things’ quite differently.
GEMINI - If you are single then you may meet your match in May, your energy and powers of attraction are high right now. If you are attached then there will be many pleasant and happy moments shared with a loved one. You may be faced with situations that encourage you to speak up and put the record straight, others cannot read your mind and it will be empowering for you to share your side of things. A business proposition or partnership could be in the offing and you are ready to go all out and get it off the ground. CANCER - Career wise you are at your professional, creative peak, others will be drawn to you and will be unable to resist your enigmatic and magnetic smile. Through meeting others of a like mind your social world is set to expand, you will be noticed whether you wish to be or not. When the full moon strikes on 8th so your love life heats up - with intimate moments allowing you to thrive and bloom. A problem may present itself near the end of the month and as long as you take a logical approach it will be easily solved. LEO - Watch the bank balance and continue to financially plan ahead, the pennies still need to be counted even if you wish to let your hair down. There are ways of cutting corners but still having a fabulous time. Relationships may not be straightforward and you may be in two minds about someone, leading to some complications. Adaptability is the key to your working situation and you may be asked to learn something new. Keep your eyes wide open and you could be surprised at where and how an opportunity presents itself.
VIRGO - Challenges and achievements walk hand in hand right now encouraging you to tackle projects head on.. A creative, financial idea may come to you which could place you in a unique position. There is a magnetic air about you that is pulling the quality of abundance into your life – so make the most of it, wish hard enough for something and it may just happen. If you are in need of some assistance do not be backward in coming forward, others will be only too pleased to accommodate you. Love sizzles and smoulders this month.
LIBRA - Plan well ahead when it comes to going on journeys and check for travel delays. Rose tinted spectacles may cloud your vision of someone new so remember to keep your feet on the ground when thinking of the future, give it time. For the attached, a partner is likely to take priority and there is plenty of affection and fun to be had. By mid May there is a lot of activity on the work front which may cause some pressure and upheavals; this is a time when you will probably be running to stand still but by the end of the month there is space to rest.
SCORPIO - Studious tasks, health routines and anything that requires determination and consistent effort to achieve an end result is right up your street this month. Doors will open for you as you knuckle down and start to create a platform which you can spring forth from. A few compromises may have to be made when it comes to a loved one, however, communication is the key, make sure they understand how important certain things are to you. The home is a place of sanctuary and refuge with all being calm and peaceful on that front.
SAGITTARIUS - May is a time for frivolity, playfulness and fun. The social scene is set to bring exciting and stimulating opportunities that you will feel compelled to act upon. An audience gathers, for you really are a livewire, being the life and soul of any party. Tasks that you thought you had completed and laid to rest will raise their ugly heads again; perhaps you missed something in your enthusiasm to get it out of the way? Focus on what needs doing as there are plans to be made, people to see and lands to explore.
Coming after a heavy defeat away to BARCELONA, a home game against REAL MADRID could be a cause for intrepidation. MALAGA however, was in a defiant mood and took the game to REAL creating good early chances. As the match settled into an entertaining end to end encounter it was only first class saves from both goalkeepers that kept the score down. It took a special goal to break the deadlock and it came from REAL'S Higuain (49mins) who carried the ball from halfway to coolly slot home and give his team a 1-0 victory. An away trip to high flying VILLARREAL was another daunting task for MALAGA and their ever growing self belief and resilience was again tested to the full. In a tough end to end 1st half it was MALAGA who came out on top, taking the lead just before half time (38mins). In the 2nd half it became a backs to the wall battle for MALAGA with GOITIA in goal pulling off several great saves. Ever willing to break on counter attack, MALAGA sealed their victory scoring from a beautiful slick passing movement (86mins) for a 2-0 victory. MALLORCA at home was the next game and with
the teams drawing two of their three meetings this season it was probably no surprise to see the match end 1-1. MALAGA took the lead from a spectacular 25yard volley (53mins) but MALLORCA equalised (59mins) from a great long range free kick, honours even. A trip to struggling OSASUNA was next and an early penalty (4 mins) gave the home side the lead. However, strikes from Plasil and Nekounam turned the scoreline around giving MALAGA a 2-1 lead by half time. OSASUNA came out fighting and looked to have a earned a valuable point when Lolo equalised on 71 mins but it was Salva for MALAGA who had the last word giving the visitors a 3-2 win. A thrilling encounter which also had four RED Cards with Osasuna finishing the game with eight men.
Malaga Fixtures: 10/05 Racing Santander (home), 17/05 Sporting (away), 24/05 Real Betis (home), 31/05 Espanyol (away).
Plane Stupid (February 1981, California) Phoenix Field airport in Fair Oaks had been subject to recurring petty thefts from neighborhood teenagers, so a security firm was retained to patrol the grounds. Thefts decreased sharply, but fuel consumption was on the rise. This puzzling situation continued until late one night, when a passerby noticed a flaming airplane on the field. By the time the fire department arrived, the plane had completely melted into the tarmac. While they extinguished the residual flames, the passerby noticed a uniformed figure lying facedown several yards away. It was a security guard! He was revived and questioned. Turns out he had been siphoning fuel from small planes to use in his car. The plane he selected that night had a unique fuel storage system involving hollow, baffled wing spars. When the determined guard shoved the siphon in, it stubbed against the first baffle. No matter how he twisted, pushed, and pulled the hose, he could not siphon any fuel from the plane. Exasperated, he lit a match to see inside the tank... and the rest is history.
Mr. Happy's Vacuum (13 May 1998, New Jersey) There's apparently not much to do in Long Branch during the long May evenings. A 51-year-old man decided to satisfy his fantasy of robotic love by seeking sexual gratification with his vacuum cleaner. Most men would think twice before poking a valuable organ into a vacuum, but this optimistic fellow had no qualms about the safety of his intended course of action. Our horny hero didn't realize that the suction on his hand-held Singer A-6 was created by a blade whirling just beneath the hose attachment, adjacent to the collection bag. His search for pleasure was cut short seconds after he stuck his penis into the vacuum and the blade lopped off part of his penis. With a sense of loss, he staggered to the phone and called police. He told them that he had been stabbed in his sleep. When police pointed out suspicious evidence, the victim claimed not to remember the incident. Surgeons at Monmouth Medical Center stopped the bleeding, but were unable to reattach the 1/2" severed part. Though this man is still alive, his ability to reproduce has been curtailed by both his injury and his proclivity for household appliances.
1. What nationality was Chopin? 2. Where do arboreal animals live? 3. Cinnabar is the main ore of which metal? 4. Who created "Noddy"? 5. Who is supposed to have said eureka (I have it)? 6. What is meant by the prefix geo? 7. What animals does porcine refer to? 8. What is a Hunter's band a type of? 9. In which country is Mount Logan? 10. What would be kept in a quiver? 11. To what do piscary laws refer? 12. What is meant by the suffix "ling"? 13. What is pulled by a coolie? 14. In which country did the dance "the gavotte" originate? 15. Carmine is a vivid shade of which colour? 16. Is Hong Kong north or south of the equator? 17. What is your pollex? 18. In Roman mythology Juno was the wife of which god? 19. What would be the shape of a cupola roof? 20. What adjective means relating to the moon? 21. Carson City is the capital of which U.S. state? 22. In which country would you take a holiday in Pathos? 23. How many lanes are there in an Olympic swimming pool? 24. How many years was Fletcher sentenced to in Porridge? 25. What country does Christmas Island belong to? 26. Which racecourse stages the 1,000 and 2,000 guineas? Answers on page 62
The following questions were given for an Irish College Entrance Exam:
1. What is the missing letter in the following series: 2 T 4 F 8 E 16 S 32 T 64 ? 2. Lying there in the yard so neat was something very good to eat. It had neither flesh not bone, but in 21 days it walked alone. What is it ?
Answers on page 62
ACROSS
DOWN
1 Men (5) 5 Ale (5) 9 Frozen water (3) 10 Merge (5) 11 Acute (5) 12 Beverage (3) 13 Number (3) 14 Listening organ (3) 16 Managed (3) 18 Aim (6) 21 Chamber (4) 23 Headwear items (4) 26 Little ball (6) 29 Agent (3) 31 Meadow (3) 32 Poem (3) 34 Staff (3) 36 Spice (5) 37 Overweight (5) 38 Anger (3) 39 Horseman (5) 40 Gambles (5)
1 Term of respect (6) 2 Yearn (4) 3 Annexe (4-2) 4 Great (5) 5 Liquid measure (5) 6 Devoured (3) 7 Cog (4) 8 Spoil (4) 15 Supple (5) 17 Suitable (3) 19 Unit of current (3) 20 Common word (3) 22 Be indebted to (3) 24 Nuclear (6) 25 Spectacles (6) 27 Senior (5) 28 Intertwined (5) 29 Back (4) 30 Poke (4) 33 Terrible (4) 35 Honour (3) Answers on page 62
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Discover how to break a code: Every number in the codeword grid is 'code' for a letter of the alphabet. Thus the number '2' may correspond to the letter 'L', for instance. We have given you the first letter, 1 = L HINT: Letters not used: J, V, Z
Asda Interview An office manager at Asda was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?" Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT." It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of." "That's very good!" replied the interviewer. " And now you sir?" he asked the second man. "Hmm.! .. let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."
"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular clichĂŠ for speed." He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.Well, out at my dad's farm, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of." The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said. Turning to Bob, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question. Old Bob replied, "After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIORRHEA." "WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. "Oh I can explain," said Old Patrick. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but.... before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON
THE LIGHT, I had already s### my pants." Old Bob is now the new greeter at an Asda near you!!!! LORD ... They are finally together ... Judy got married and had 13 children. Then her first husband, Ted, died of cancer. She married again, and her & Bob had 7 more children.Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later. Judy again, remarried and this time, her & John had 5 more children. Judy finally died, after having 25 children. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,"Lord, they are finally together." Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?" Margaret replied:...."I think he means her "legs", Ethel...." Sent in by Margaret De Boer
Turner Brown A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown." The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says: What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?" The big dude says: "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown." The small guy says: "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, Turn around!"
Got a good joke? Then share it with the rest of us! Email us at jokes@thesentinellamalaga.com
Punch-Screen-Technology MICROSOFT has confirmed that its new Windows 7 operating system will allow users to interact with their computer by punching it in its bas#*%@ing face. The software giant said it had invested hundreds of millions of dollars in state-of-theart features which will help users communicate their rage in a physical way which the computer can then analyse and respond to, instead of just designing a programme that was not a frustrating, overpriced sack of s#@t. I.T. expert Tom Logan said: "Windows 7 will offer real-time, multi-platform crossfunctionality, which basically means it will be useless not just on your PC and your laptop, but on your mobile phone as well. "But the key difference from Microsoft Vista
“Install Updates again, I dare you!�
is that it will let out pathetic, hitch-pitched yelps when you batter it epeatedly with a shoe." Logan added: "If punch-screen is a success we could eventually dispense with the keyboard and mouse altogether and you'll be able to accidentally wipe all your files just by screaming at the monitor and waving your arms about like a maniac." The technology has also been incorporated into Microsoft's 'WifeAlert', an add-on which will allow furtive users to instantly replace hardcore Malaysian pornography with the RSPCA website via nothing more than a panicked slap of the hand. Meanwhile the BBC said it would explore ways of integrating punch-screen with its live broadcasts. A spokesman said: "You could spank Tim Lovejoy in the face during Something For The Weekend and via a series of high-speed interactive feeds we could make sure he felt it."
ACCOMMODATION Accommodation.com 50,000 Cheap Hotels Online. www.accommodation.com
BED & BREAKFAST Casa 65 B&B, Heart of Andalucia. Weekend Breaks (Fri/Sat/Sun Nights) 120€ Includes Sunday Lunch Midweek Break (Mon/Tue/Wed/Thur) 120€ Prices or Per Room For 2. Tel: 953 570 089
CAR GUIDE Now available the 'import your own car guide' 69 euros. With this guide you will be able to re-register your own car yourself. No Gestor fees. No import duty to pay. For full details visit www.carimportinspain.com or call Chris on 606 554 048
CAR HIRE Rent a car 3000, delivery to & from airport / accommodation free of charge, Tel: 952 490 692, 639 682 081 Website: www.rentacar3000.com Email: info@rentacar3000.com
DRAIN SERVICES Euro drain services, cctv surveys, drain jetting, septic tanks, soakaway installations fast and efective. 24hr blocked drain clearance. Call Darren 629 640 754 all areas.
ELECTRICIANS 16th Edition BS7671 qualified, Apprentice trained, 21 years experience. Rewires, extra sockets, lights, fault finding etc. Pay as you go electric meters supplied and fitted, ideal for holiday lets, aircon etc.
Ian: 650 151 569
FURNITURE Aquabeds, Tel: 952 112 563, 636 648 173 www.thesentinellamalaga.com/Aquabeds.html Email: mavis_spears@yahoo.co.uk Seconds R Us, Second Hand Furniture, Parque recinto ferial 7 (Feria Ground) Alhaurin el Grande. Tel: 952 112 563
HEALTH & BEAUTY Inner Yoga - Classes, meditation, retreats, therapies, healing. Alhaurín de la Torre. www.inner-yoga.co.uk info@inner-yoga.co.uk Tel: 952 649 266 / Mov: 663 179 518
HORSERIDING Rancho del Rio - Estacion de Cartama. Treks, riding lessons for beginners & advanced riders, trail rides and special needs catered for. Tel: 952 426 074 Mob: 659 696 535 www.horseridingandalucia.com
INTERNET SERVICES Riosat SL, No landline required. Internet and telephone services. Some areas free installation. Covering Andalucia. Call 951 239 310 / 626 679 018 Email:info@riosat.com
Website:www.riosat.com
KIDDIE HIRE Buggies, car seats, travel cots, highchairs and more from as little as €1 per day. Based in Alhaurin el Grande. Can deliver. Tel: 600 609 129.
PLASTERER / BUILDER Specialist in ceilings, walls and floors. 25 Years experience. For price and advice, call Frank at Casabermeja. Tel: 618 597 364 Or Email: frankinesp@hotmail.com
VAN HIRE Man with Van & Trailer. € 20 p/h No job too small, Local & International. Call Dave 665 034 005 or 695 888 870
VETERINARY SURGEONS BRITISH VETERINARY SURGEON Home visits at no extra cost . First and second opinion work, vaccines, Id chip, blood analysis etc. Consultations in the comfort of your own home. Tel: 652 302 985 Mr Wayne Hockenhull BVMS MRCVS
WEB DESIGN Web Design Malaga - Get your business a website from just € 150. Plus 6 months free web hosting. For details call Simon on 653 437 416 www.webdesignmalaga.es
BOX IT IN !! FOR ONLY 95€ (12 ISSUES) All our advertisers are placed on our Online Business Directory
EMERGENCY NUMBERS Emergency Ambulance Fire Brigade Local Police National Police Guardia Civil Helpline in English
112 061 080 092 091 062 902 102 112
HOSPITALS Carlos Haya Hospital Civil Hospital Maternity Hospital Costa del Sol Hospital Hospital Clinico Univ
951 030 100 951 030 300 951 030 200 952 102 112 952 649 400
Get Quizzical: 1) Polish 2) In trees 3) Mercury 4) Enid Blyton 5 )Archimedes 6) Earth 7) Pigs 8) A knot 9) Canada 10) Arrows 11) Fishing 12) Young Brain Benders:
13) A rickshaw 14) France 15) Red 16) North 17) Thumb 18) Jupiter 19) Dome shaped 20) Luna 21) Nevada 22) Cyprus 23) 8 24) 5 25) Australia 26) Newmarket
MALAGA AIRPORT Information 952 048 771/952 048 484 Arrivals T2 952 048 844 Arrivals T1 952 048 845 Departures 952 048 804
TAXI Alhaurin de la Torre Alhaurin el Grande Benalmadena Coin Fuengirola Malaga Torremolinos
952 410 444 952 491 010 952 441 545 952 453 587 952 471 000 952 327 950 952 380 600
MARKETS DAYS Tuesday - Antequera, Fuengirola. Wednesday - Alhaurin de la Torre, Arroyo de la Miel, Saydo Hotel Mollina, La Cala de Mijas. Thursday - Alora Country Farmers Market (Los Caballos), Alhaurin el Grande - Feria, Pizarra, Torremolinos - Feria Ground. Friday - Arroyo de la Miel, Cartama Country Farmers Market, Mijas Costa. Saturday - Benalmadena - Los Porches, Coin, Fuengirola, La Cala de Mijas. Sunday - Benagalbon, Coin La Trocha, Estacion de Cartama, Fuengirola, Malaga next to the Stadium, Pizarra Car Boot, Torremolinos by Crocodile Park.
Brain Teasers: Double Parked, Pennies from Heaven Robin Hood, Tickled Pink Riddle: 1. The letter is S. Each letter is the first letter of the number before it - spelled out. 2. An egg Codeword: 1=L, 2=Q, 3=R, 4=M, 5=G, 6=U, 7=F, 8=C, 9=O, 10=P, 11=H, 12=W, 13=K, 14=E, 15=B, 16=I, 17=N, 18=S, 19=A, 20=Y, 21=D, 22=X, 23=T