Wise words were shared with me recently, “I would rather be poor and live in the sun than poor back in blighty!! We can just drink our way through it..........” Well, I'll drink to that! Despite these hard times, life goes on and there's always positives to take. Last month Alhaurin Auctions raised 1,875€ at their Charity Auction – a superb effort, well done guys! On a sporting side, Malaga F.C are climbing high in La Primera in their first season back in the top flight. If you haven't been to watch Malaga play I would recommend it, it's a good venue and excellent atmosphere. With teams like Real and Barcelona visiting the city, it's an opportunity to see some top names play some top football! So, what's new this month, TC fotografia is offering a photoshoot (& print) by simply answering one question. See page 22 for details. If you are not familiar with her work, Toni has travelled the world with her camera on her shoulder and after 10 years of working freelance, Toni has now settled in Andalucia working with young and old alike. View her galleries: www.tcfotografia.com. Country Farmers are launching their NEW market in Alora from Thursday 19th March. See Advert page 29. Jk's have a double whammy this month with a Neil Diamond experience (Fri 13th March) and Costa Rock night (Fri 27th March). Finally, The Rat Pack is back! Every Tuesday from March 17th The Rat Pack will be performing at the Hotel Sol Don Marco in Torremolinos. Cover Photo: ‘Kite Surfers’ - Los Alamos, 2008 What’s Inside 06 08 10 12 14 16 18 20 24 28 32 34 36 40 44 47 48
Enter the weird world of Strange News Release cash lump sums with Lifetime Mortgages We investigate to discover who really is Jack Schitt They’re back! It’s the Rat Pack Can’t get enough of them? Useless Facts Moroccan stew (try it Louise), Food For Thought Are you in the 2% or 98%, find out in Think Now! Opening the pool for the season... Deep Blue Pools Expats rally for local children... Latest News Tips to keep them moths away, Rosies Patch Is it your lucky month? Find out in your Horoscopes Kids have it all to say in Eezy-peezy! Back in La Primera and flying high, Malaga F.C. Got a minute, you’ll need it! Puzzle Page What are retired people getting up to these days? Jokes Avoid commissions, Businesses For Sale Services for the Costa del Sol, Business Directory
March ‘09 Issue 24
Lovers' Island discovered on Google Earth A tiny heart-shaped island in the Adriatic has become a holiday hit for St Valentine's Day after being discovered on Google Earth. Even the island's owner didn't realise how perfectly heart-shaped the island off the Croatian coast was until he was swamped with requests from lovers to stay there. "It has been incredible. We think it is the most perfect heart-shaped island in the world," said Vlado Juresko whose family owns the 130,000 square yard islet of Galesnjak, hastily redubbed Lovers' Island. "Nobody lives there so if lovers really do want to spend time alone it's the perfect deserted island. "We always thought it looked a bit like a heart but since it's been on Google Earth everyone else has seen it too and the whole world seems to want to stay here."
Pig burns down house A pet pig saved its own bacon by jumping in the bath after it burned its owner's house down in Sweden. The Vietnamese pot bellied porker had knocked over a table lamp setting fire to curtains and was trapped in the house in Lulea. But as firefighters searched the property they discovered the terrified, singed pig cowering in the bath. Fireman Peter Frykman said: "We initially thought it was arson as no-one was home but then we found the scorched but still alive pig and the broken lamp and realised what had happened."
Lifetime Mortgages Lifetime Mortgages are exactly that, for life. You never make a repayment and the debt is only cleared when the property is sold or the last registered owner has died! The advantages are that a cash lump sum can be released from the property and used however the property owner wishes, investment to produce additional income, holiday, new car, reformation, etc. etc. Being a ‘non-status’ mortgage no income paperwork is required and the property acts as the security. The mortgage can be secured on any type of registered property, including rustic. Sounds good…but: ‘Lifetime’ mortgages are only available for property owners over the age of 65 and the funds released start at 20% of the valuation. Fees, taxes and charges are deducted from the advance. The Lifetime Mortgage receives no repayments and being a capital and interest mortgage the debt increases over time. The interest rate is currently fixed at 7.25%. This type of mortgage could reduce the equity received by your beneficiaries but will reduce the amount of inheritance tax to pay as IHT is net of debt. An independent lawyer is instructed, by the lender, to speak to ALL applicants in order that they understand the mortgage terms BEFORE the lender will go ahead with any borrowing. This confirms that you understand the product, the conditions, benefits and downfalls and has not been miss sold. For further information please contact Atkinson Spanish Mortgages. See Advert pg 14
WHO IS JACK SCHITT?
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt'! Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way. Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, who married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents’ objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt', you can correct them. Sincerely, Crock O. Schitt
PRESS RELEASE! THE RAT PACK IS BACK! Ian Green’s immensely popular and widely-acclaimed production of “The Rat Pack” will be premiering at the Hotel Sol Don Marco in Torremolinos on Tuesday 17th March, with performances every Tuesday thereafter. This exciting and extremely professional show stars 3 very talented and accomplished singers playing Frank Sinatra (Martin Joseph), Dean Martin (Dave Lee) & Sammy Davis Jr, (Thomas Henry), 3 beautiful, elegant and professional “Las Vegas” dancers (with 14 costume changes), backed by the Marbella Big Band. The production includes over 30 famous and well-loved classic songs (including “My Way”, “New York, New York”, “Mr Bojangles”, “Volare”, “I Left My Heart In San Francisco” etc. The show perfectly captures not only the wonderful music and comedy of the original legends, but also the remarkable personalities of the stars who truly ruled the entertainment world. The stylish show starts at 9.30pm (doors open 8.45pm) and runs for 2½ hours (including a 15-minute interval). Tickets for “The Rat Pack” are only €25 each (with discounts offered for group bookings) and can be reserved by calling The Ticket Hotline on 952 574 052 Alternatively, bookings can be made by credit card through the Tick Tack Ticket Booking Hotline on 902 150 025, or online at www.ticktackticket.com.
Months that begin on a Sunday will always have a "Friday the 13th." As is the case this year in February, March & November. Any month that has a Friday the 13th also has a Wednesday the 25th. Triskaidekaphobia means fear of the number 13. Paraskevidekatriaphobia means fear of Friday the 13th. It is documented that this fear of Friday the 13th costs millions of dollars a year in business loss due absenteeism and cancelled appointments. In many hotels and skyscrapers, there is no 13th floor. Most airplanes have no seat 13. In Italy, it is usual to leave out 13 in numbering the lottery tickets. The very first St. Patrick's Day parade was not in Ireland. It was in Boston in 1737. Many cities dye their local rivers green in celebration of Saint Patrick's Day. Bailey's Irish Cream which was launched in Ireland in the early seventies is now the most popular liqueur in the world. According to the Guinness Book of World Records, the highest number of leaves found on a clover is 14! One estimate suggests that there are about 10,000 regular three-leaf clovers for every lucky four-leaf clover. Legend says that each leaf of the clover means something: the first is for hope, the second for faith, the third for love and the fourth for luck. 34 million Americans have Irish ancestry, according to the 2003 US Census. That’s almost nine times the population of Ireland, which has 4.1 million people.
Moroccan Vegetable Stew This deliciously hearty stew is perfect when you have very little time to get dinner together taking only 10 mins to prepare. Even if you are not a vegetarian you’ll be sure to enjoy this one too!
Ingredients: 2 Onions 1 Garlic clove finely chopped 1 Red pepper 1 Celery stick 1 tsp Turmeric 1 tsp Cumin 1 tsp Coriander (ground) Chilli Powder (to taste depending on how hot you like it) 1 Aubergine 1 Courgette 2 medium size Potatoes 3 Carrots 300g jar of Chickpeas (Garbanzos) 400g tinned tomatoes 500 ml vegetable stock
For die hard meat eaters, add in some diced lamb and you’re sorted!
Method: Lightly fry garlic, onion celery and peppers in a big casserole dish in a little oil. Once softened add spices and stir through. Throw all the vege’s in to the pot and add stock & tinned toms. Give a good stir, bring to the boil then cover with lid and simmer for about an hour. Serve hot with couscous and/or crusty bread.
Enjoy!
Are you in the 2% or 98% of the Population? Just follow these instructions, and answer the questions one at a time and as quickly as you can! Again, as quickly as you can but don't advance until you've done each of them. THINK of a number from 1 to 10 MULTIPLY that number by 9 If the number is a 2-digit number, ADD the digits together Now SUBTRACT 5 DETERMINE which letter in the alphabet corresponds to the number you ended up with (example: 1=a, 2=b, 3=c,etc.) THINK of a country that starts with that letter REMEMBER the last letter of the name of that country THINK of the name of an animal that starts with that letter REMEMBER the last letter in the name of that animal THINK of the name of a fruit that starts with that letter Are you thinking of a Kangaroo in Denmark eating an Orange? Isn't that FREAKY!! If not for you, you're among the 2% of the population whose minds are different enough to think of something else. However, 98% of people will answer with Kangaroos in Denmark eating oranges when given this exercise.
Perfect Pools - Opening the pool for the season Around this time of year your thoughts may be turning towards the impending opening of the pool. If you have a dirty pool, or allowed yours to turn sour over the winter, you will have a lot to do before you can swim. Don’t put it off too long – it will only get worse. If you have not opened up your own pool before, and you are in any doubt as what to do, our advice is to call in your local pool centre/service engineer to do the job for you. If you want to do the work yourself, the following should be helpful. Remove surface water and debris from the winter cover before taking it off. Clean and thoroughly dry it, ready for storage. A cleaning mixture can be made from 100cc of liquid chlorine in 10 litres of water – scrub it onto the top and underside of the cover to kill off algae and mould spores. Using a leaf net, remove as much rubbish and debris from the pool as possible. Clean tide marks from the pool walls with a 50/50 mix of hydrochloric acid and water. This mix is also good for cleaning the white ‘Coronation Stone’ surround to pools. Apply to the surround with a broom and scrub away to remove staining and embedded dust. Work quickly to minimise the effects of the acid and rinse off into the pool water. (Any acid that is still active after cleaning the surround will help to reduce the pH of the pool water.) Make sure all electrical connections are free from damp or condensation - call in an electrician if you are in any doubt about what you are doing. Replace the fuses or reset the circuit breakers. Set the timer clock to the correct time of day and correct operating period – 4 hours in each 12. Check that there are no obstructions to drains, outlets and the pump strainer basket. Top up the water to 75mm (3”) above normal level; bleed the air from the filter, pipes and pump. Replace skimmer baskets if they were removed for the winter. Set the rotary valve to ‘Filter’. Turn on the pump and check that the filter, skimmers and
drains are all working. Don’t worry if the water from the circulation is initially discoloured. Vacuum the bottom and steps to ‘Waste’. Then run the pump on ‘Circulate’ for 4 hours; this will collect any remaining debris in a few spots on the pool-bottom. Vacuum the clusters of debris to ‘Waste’. Check and empty the pump strainer basket again. Check the pH and get it as near as possible to 7.4. Superchlorinate to10 ppm with liquid chlorine to kill any algae that may be present - dosage rate is 2.1 litres per 50 cu m. Place 1 crushed and 1 whole Tricloro tablet per 50 cu m of pool water in the skimmer basket. Set the Rotary Valve to ‘Filter’ and run the pump for 24 hours. Thoroughly scrub all surfaces with the pool-brush. This may turn the water cloudy; if so the filter will clear it but you may have to backwash a couple of times during the 24 hour period of filtration. If you notice any spots of black algae on the grout-lines, add 3 grams per cubic metre of Copper Sulphate crystals and scrub the algae daily until it disappears. Do not overdose with Copper Sulphate, or you may get green hair when you swim! Backwash the filter and top up with fresh water. Remove the filter lid and examine the sand. If it is still dirty after the backwash, or lumpy, it may need to be changed. Zeolite is a far better filter media than sand; see our website, page http://www.deep-bluepools.com/zeolite.htm for fuller details. Check the chlorine and pH. Get pH as near as possible to 7.4 as soon as you can. If your main sanitiser is unstabilised chlorine, such as calcium hypochlorite, add stabiliser (cyanuric acid), to prevent loss of chlorine to sunlight, at a rate of 250 grams per 50 cu m of pool water. If you use Tricloro tablets this will not be necessary. Fit a pool-cover to warm the water more swiftly. Last one in’s a wimp! If you would like to receive our free Monthly Email Newsletter, offering seasonal advice on pools, and tips on how to run your pool at minimum expense, please send an email, with the word ‘Subscribe’ as the subject, to info@poolschool.eu Copyright remains with the author.
Charity Auction Last months Charity Auction at Alhaurin Auctions was a huge success, raising €1,875 which will be presented to the local centre for disabled & handicapped children in Alhaurin el Grande. Mandy & Jess would like to thank everone who took part in the day and also those who offered vouchers and items for auction.
Time on your hands? LIVE, the ex pat charity supporting the children’s home in Malaga, is looking for volunteer drivers and helpers. Since its inception in 2004, LIVE has raised funds, organised Christmas parties and presents, collected jumble and treated the children from the home to fun days out. But with only five committee members the LIVE team need help to carry on their work for the Home. Situated on the outskirts of Malaga and flanked by shanty towns, La Ciudad de Los Niños is home to children taken into care and also a haven for the street children of the nearby “chabolas” – shanty towns. We are looking for supporters willing to do collections and deliveries to the Home and generally help out when we get to overload. Anyone with a car willing to give a couple of hours each month to help us. It may be there are people who do a regular run to suppliers in Malaga who could make a short detour to the Home to deliver items we’ve collected for them. We would love to hear from people who would be prepared to act as co-ordinators for items donated. Please contact Brian Marsh on 620 791 441 Your call will be much appreciated. Or visit www.live-spain.org
March – Spring clean pots, window boxes and any other plant containers internally and externally. A thorough clean is necessary to prevent pests or disease to plants and also to improve and maintain the quality and fertility of the compost. Plus the appearance in your garden & pots looks much more attractive when clean and maybe hand painted for added color. So thoroughly wash pots and drip trays in soapy water and then rinse in a vinegar solution for reuse. Pots which are being used should be washed outside to remove dirt. Any algae can be removed from terracotta pots using a diluted bleach solution or vinegar and water, leave to dry and then wipe with a cloth using a little olive oil. Be careful to protect the plants whilst cleaning. Plants which have been in the same pot and compost for several years and probably root bound should be replanted in a clean pot with new compost. Shrubs can be pruned to tidy the shape and plants with dead flowers and
leaves removed, also tidying any mulch. Finally when the spring cleaning task has been completed feed with a solution of flower plant fertilizer. A job well done! During the month of March, start to spray geraniums against the geranium moth, take
cuttings and pot up using good compost. Continue to take cuttings of perennial plants like the margaritas and remove dead heads as they flower. Remove frost protection from any delicate plants in the garden, hopefully spring is here, after all the daffodils are flowering again. Summer corns such as the lily and gladioli can now be planted but do remember to plant the gladioli corns in a sheltered spot from winds. Til next month.... Rosie
CAPRICORN - Brainstorming about finances and how to increase your position becomes a strong focus. Ideas abound and it would be useful to network and literally ‘get out there’ into the marketplace so that you are seen and not forgotten. Family or close friends could use some tender, loving care around mid month and they will appreciate the attention that you give them. Plans that you finally decide upon could come to fruition very quickly and by the end of the month a new path awaits you.
AQUARIUS - Unanticipated events concerning your personal finances are likely and become hard to ignore. Others turn to you for advice now as they may relate to what you are dealing with and going through, sharing similar experiences. There is a certain element of comfort in this as friends and acquaintances will gather around you making an awkward transition a pleasant one. An admirer may make themselves known to you around 10th and this will give you the boost you need. PISCES - Hold onto your purse strings this is not a time to splash out. It is a month for romance though and you could find you are getting a lot of attention; in fact someone is hard to ignore around 10th. Communication with someone close to you is extra special and bonds deepen and barriers are taken down to reveal a different vista. You could be lending a helping hand around 21st to someone who is struggling to cope. Take time for relaxation yourself and enjoy a hot soak in a bubble bath. ARIES - It is time to revise your plans and put off all new initiatives until you have more confidence in their sustainability, a period of introspection is needed. You will tend to want to retreat from the world and yet others are vying for your attention. Use the time to budget, revise plans and rest as much as possible. By 25th a new energy enters into your sign and you see things from a different angle and that new outlook could change everything as you know it.
TAURUS - Retrograding Venus, your ruler, means that this is now a time for reflection. The dramas of the past two months are coming to a close and March for you is all about starting the month how you mean to go on. Solving old problems and laying them to rest is your mission, although you may think it is all dealt with, only to find more that needs sorting, so keep your wits about you. By 28th you will be taking it to the next level with a romantic partner. GEMINI - Career issues provide you with a host of activity - there is a lot of responsibility on this level to deal with and sort out. It could feel as though you are struggling to stay on top of things as you are not sure how the tide is turning and what to do for the best. There could be some disagreements with family and friends who don’t share you point of view. Some brand new idea could spring up from nowhere but getting others opinions at this point in time may cloud the issue. Take time out for you.
CANCER - A new game plan will have to be formulated with regard to income and expenditure and this could involve much of your time. Finances are the major core of your activities right now. There could be a legal issue, or travel involved at some point in March that will bring opportunities for new beginnings and advancement in some area. By the end of the month you are ready to party and have a good time, life is settling down to some kind of order and you feel you can relax a bit.
LEO - A relationship can seem a little mysterious and will be taking centre stage in your life; you may be intrigued by what is going on. Money that is shared or borrowed, possessions and funds are likely to be under discussion and ideas set down as to how to deal with it all. Tightening the belt is the main focus it seems. Amongst it all this is a great time to get fit and join a gym or go jogging. Take time out to enjoy yourself – you deserve it.
VIRGO - Is there someone who has caught your eye? Whether it is a long term partner, new love interest, friend or sibling you should make time to spend with this person, you may be surprised at how well you get on. Health issues could crop up and you need to make sure that you are eating well and looking after your self. Forget about making big purchases this just isn’t the right time but instead look at ways to save for the future. LIBRA - Work matters may make you feel a little introspective; it isn’t anything to do
with confidence, but more that you recognise a need to re-evaluate where you fit into it all. You may be questioning your plans and need to discuss things with your partner whom may also be pre-occupied or hard to read. By 28th all will fall into place and you will be ready to enjoy yourself, relationships become more intimate, and your sense of optimism returns.
SCORPIO - A force to be reckoned with this month and your strength seems to gain in momentum as March progresses, just be careful not to trample upon the innocent as you go for gold. Romance blossoms and a surprise could await you mid-month. Around the 20th children and family matters pick up pace and you feel more playful and in a fun frame of mind. Your creativity is at an all time high so by finding an outlet where you can express this side of yourself will be beneficial. SAGITTARIUS - The end is in sight with regard to a work project that you were undertaking when all settles to its satisfactory conclusion by mid month. Speak up if an authority figure seeks to undermine you – they need to hear your side of the story. Make sure you are getting enough sleep or rest as all this mind activity will take its toll. A romantic interest may seem a bit distant and you may have to clear up misunderstandings before they roll out of control.
Q: What does "varicose" mean? A: Nearby. Children's Answers to Science Exam Question’s Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar. Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists. Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: What is the most common form of birth control? A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. Q: Explain the term "Caesarean Section" A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome. Q: What is a seizure? A: A Roman emperor. Q: What is a terminal illness? A: When you are sick at the airport.
Q: What is artificial insemination? A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature? A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
Q: What is the Fibula? A: A small lie.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean? A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Playing at home in front of 22,000 fans MALAGA took the lead (22mins) against a very good ATHLETICO MADRID side. It was not to the last however as ATHLETICO equalised almost on the stroke of half time (44mins). In a tough game there were no more goals 1-1 being the final score. A long journey North to ATHLETIC BILBAO came next and MALAGA twice took the lead (2 & 63mins) in a pulsating end to end game. ATHLETIC twice equalised (36 & 71 mins) and with MALAGA down to 10 men went on to score a late winner (86mins) for a 3-2 win. The next match home to ALMERIA saw the fans stunned to silence as the away team took a 2-0 lead into the half time break. They had plenty to shout about in the 2nd half however as MALAGA fired in three goals to claim a 3-2 victory. A long away trip to top four VALENCIA did not phase MALAGA
despite going behind to a DAVID VILLA "special" (53mins). Only six minutes later a strong attack down the right wing saw MALAGA force an own goal from the accurate crossed ball. A 1-1 draw was a justified result from a strong defiant MALAGA team. Another away game and great win 3-1 to complete the double over VALADOLID pushed MALAGA into the top six and EUFA contention.
Malaga Fixtures: 01/03 Recreativo de Huelva (home), 08/03 Getafe (away), 15/03 Sevilla (home), 22/03 Barcelona (away).
1. D.Day in 1971 introduced what to Britain? 2. The airline Iberia is from what country? 3. What is the maximum break in snooker? 4. How many metres are there in 4 kilometres? 5. In Greek mythology who was the god of the sun? 6. Andorra lies between which two countries? 7. How is Peking now more commonly known? 8. In which city is Bizet's "Carmen" set? 9. What is Brighton Pier called? 10. In pottery what is a slip? 11. How many eyes does a bee have? 12. What does Ghengis Khan mean? 13. Who was Inspector Clouseau's manservant? 14. What was Tonto's horse called? 15. What does an ungulate animal have? 16. What are the oldest Royal Bodyguards called? 17. Which drink has 7x as a secret formula? 18. What is the capital of Morocco? 19. What is the inscription on the Victoria Cross? 20. How many lines are there in a sonnet? 21. The bite of which insect can cause sleeping sickness? 22. If you were eating fish 'a la Normande', how would the fish be cooked? 23. Orpheus went down to Hades to rescue his wife. What was her name? Answers on page 50
Make this goat out of 5 toothpicks. Now move just one toothpick to make a goat that faces in a different direction.
Make this triangle out of ten pennies. Now, moving only three pennies, can you make a triangle that points down instead of up? The new triangle should look just like the one below only flipped upside down.
Luke had it before. Paul had it behind. Ladies have it at the beginning, but only once. A braham Lincoln had it twice. Boys cannot have it at all. Doctor Lowell had it before and behind. He actually had it twice as bad behind as he had it in front. What is it?
Answers on page 50
ACROSS
DOWN
1 Treatise (5) 4 European capital (5) 7 Assistance (3) 9 Position (6) 11 Jetty (4) 12 Drinking vessel (3) 13 Card game (7) 15 Northern country (7) 18 Animal’s foot (3) 19 Avid (4) 20 Assimilate (6) 23 Age (3) 24 Sum (5) 25 More old (5)
1 Team sport (4,7) 2 Container (3) 3 Spasm (3) 5 Large mammal (5) 6 Natural drink (6,5) 8 Public protest (4) 10 Unit of current (3) 13 Vegetable (3) 14 Signal assent (3) 16 Vote (5) 17 Naked (4) 18 Pastry item (3) 21 Anger (3) 22 Young woman
(3) Answers on page 50
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Discover how to break a code: Every number in the codeword grid is 'code' for a letter of the alphabet. Thus the number '2' may correspond to the letter 'L', for instance. We have given you the first letter, I = 1 HINT: Letters not used: B, F, J, Q, W, X
What do retired people do all day? Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres. So my wife called him a s***-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, we didn't care – we came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age. Bacon Tree Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable,when all of a sudden.......'Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet.'' Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee.' So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there,in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's
fried bacon, back bacon,double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat. 'Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. 'Eees a bacon tree.' 'Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't forget.' 'Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree'. And with that... Luis Races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, a true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath. 'Pepe... go back man, you was right ees not a bacon tree.' 'Luis Luis mi amigo... what ees it?' 'Pepe... ees not a bacon tree... Ees...........Ees............Ees............Ees............ Ees........Eees a Ham Bush. Warning to Golfers A professor at the University of Canberra was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students. Realising this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your arse hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?' She replied, 'Probably playing golf with his mates.'
Sign of the times? A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mum and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mum and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: 'You got Male!
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mum came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mum waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up. Then she says, (as only a mother would know.. :) "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"
Tea Anyone? One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favourite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.
A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy odered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink. He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!' Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didnt know we had a choice!'
A couple of Paddys Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster! Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!!
ACCOMMODATION Accommodation.com 50,000 Cheap Hotels Online. www.accommodation.com
BED & BREAKFAST Casa 65 B&B, Heart of Andalucia. Weekend Breaks (Fri/Sat/Sun Nights) 120€ Includes Sunday Lunch Midweek Break (Mon/Tue/Wed/Thur) 120€ Prices or Per Room For 2. Tel: 953 570 089
CAR GUIDE Now available the 'import your own car guide' 69 euros. With this guide you will be able to re-register your own car yourself. No Gestor fees. No import duty to pay. For full details visit www.carimportinspain.com or call Chris on 606 554 048
FURNITURE Aquabeds, Tel: 952 112 563, 636 648 173 www.thesentinellamalaga.com/Aquabeds.html Email: mavis_spears@yahoo.co.uk Seconds R Us, Second Hand Furniture, Parque recinto ferial 7 (Feria Ground) Alhaurin el Grande. Tel: 952 112 563
HEALTH & BEAUTY 'Yoga, Health & Beauty Centre' -Campillos. Residenital & non-residential courses offered plus large range of other services. Tel 952 725 425 / 678 117 894 Web: www.wildman-chard-centre.es Email:dr-suzanne@wildman-chard-centre.es Inner Yoga - Classes, meditation, retreats, therapies, healing. Alhaurín de la Torre. www.inner-yoga.co.uk info@inner-yoga.co.uk Tel: 952 649 266 / Mov: 663 179 518
CAR HIRE
INTERNET SERVICES
Rent a car 3000, delivery to & from airport / accommodation free of charge, Tel: 952 490 692, 639 682 081 Website: www.rentacar3000.com Email: info@rentacar3000.com
Riosat SL, No landline required. Internet and telephone services. Some areas free installation. Covering Andalucia. Call 951 239 310 / 626 679 018
DRAIN SERVICES
Email:info@riosat.com
Website:www.riosat.com
KIDDIE HIRE
Euro drain services, cctv surveys, drain jetting, septic tanks, soakaway installations fast and efective. 24hr blocked drain clearance. Call Darren 629 640 754 all areas.
Buggies, car seats, travel cots, highchairs and more from as little as €1 per day. Based in Alhaurin el Grande. Can deliver. Tel: 600 609 129.
DRESSMAKER
NOTICE THIS?
Alterations, curtains, soft furnishings & made to measure. 20 years experience. Tel: 952 758 577 (Tanya)
ELECTRICIANS Apprentice Trained Electrician, 25 years Experience, Fault Finding, Maintenance, Rewires etc. Tel: 650 151 569 - Electric Ian
You're Not The Only One!
BOX IT IN !! FOR ONLY 95€ (12 ISSUES)
PLASTERER / BUILDER
VAN HIRE
Specialist in ceilings, walls and floors. 25 Years experience. For price and advice, call Frank at Casabermeja. Tel: 618 597 364 Or Email: frankinesp@hotmail.com
Man with Van & Trailer. € 20 p/h No job too small, Local & International. Call Dave 665 034 005 or 695 888 870
VETERINARY SURGEONS
POOL & GARDEN MAINTENANCE CPS, Professional & reliable maintenance for your pool & garden. Tel: 699 244 822 / 686 438 925
PROPERTY SERVICES Rental, Key holding, Changeovers & Cleans. A Taylor made Service to suit your needs. Tel: (0034) 664 455 389 or 651 594 382 Email: info@costa-direct.com Website: www.costa-direct.com
SATELLITE TV / INSTALLATIONS Electric Ian - All Satellite Installations, All Areas Covered, Free Quotes. Telephone Ian on 650 151 569
BRITISH VETERINARY SURGEON Home visits at no extra cost . First and second opinion work, vaccines, Id chip, blood analysis etc. Consultations in the comfort of your own home. Tel: 652 302 985 Mr Wayne Hockenhull BVMS MRCVS
WEB DESIGN Web Design Malaga - Get your business a website from just € 150. Plus 6 months free web hosting. For details call Simon on 653 437 416 www.webdesignmalaga.es
Retired Blues My nookie days are over My pilot light is out What used to be my sex appeal Is now my water spout Time was when, of it’s own accords From my trousers it would spring But now I have a full time job Just to find the blasted thing It used to be embarrassing The way it would behave For every single morning It would stand and watch me shave But now as old age approaches It sure gives me the blues To see it hang its withered head And watch me tie my shoes The Rose Take a moment To smell the rose Breathe in the essence Of the Earth which it grows Don´t pass it by Without a thought
Such simple beauty That nature has brought The perfectness of This delicate flower The essence of pure love In all its glory and power The earth is so beautiful Too perfect to miss But sometimes we walk on In ignorant bliss If only we stopped And took a moment Listening to nature We´d feel more content And understand more About life and love And feel free and in peace Just like a dove Next time you see a rose Don´t take nature for granted Smell this amazing example Of life, God has planted Allison from Cartama
ANSWERS (from pages 40-42) Get Quizzical: 1) Decimal coins 2) Spain 3) 147 4) 4,000 5) Apollo 6) France & Spain 7) Bejing 8) Seville 9) Polace Pier 10) Liquid clay 11) 5 12) Universal Ruler
13) Cato 14) Scout 15) Hooves 16) The Yeoman of the Guard 17) Coca Cola 18) Rabat 19) For Valor 20) 14 21) Tsetse Fly 22) Braised in white wine 23) Eurydice
Brain Benders:
Brain Teasers: Face in a crowd, Once in a blue moon, Reduction, Pace back & forth
Riddle: The letter L Codeword: 1=I, 2=R, 3=L, 4=O, 5=G, 6=P, 7=K, 8=A, 9=H, 10=M, 11=S, 12=V, 13=Z, 14=D, 15=Y, 16=N, 17=E, 18=C, 19=U, 20=T