17. Tina Choe

17.1

Tina Choe

Then Jesus said to His disciples, “If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow Me.” (Matthew 16:24)

Have you ever felt stretched? I mean, really stretched almost beyond your limits? My mind flies back to around four years ago where I was in the midst of the most difficult time in my life. The term, “when it rains, it pours” became very real to me during those moments, because the storms came one after the other with seemingly no end in sight.

During that time, I watched my father hover near death from three simultaneous strokes. I had just emerged from a painful break-up. I lost my job when finances were at my lowest. Then, one of my sisters whom we had not seen or heard from in three years due to a family fallout, showed up out of the blue one day, pregnant and fleeing from an abusive relationship.

It sounds strange to say this, but when I look back upon that time my heart is nothing but thankful. As bitter as trials may get, those are the times that can be most precious to a believer. It wasn’t so much the circumstances going on. For me, the biggest battle was a very personal one in my heart.

We are completely selfish creatures. It’s innate and we demonstrate this sin the minute we are born. And what I’ve found is that wounded and afflicted people are usually the most selfish. It sounds harsh, but I find it to be true in most cases---such as mine! All I cared about was that the trials would end. I wanted things to turn out differently. And how I battled with the Lord, beseeching Him to answer my prayers the way I wanted!

Submission is one of the most humble characteristics of a believer, yet it can be one of the hardest things to demonstrate. With me, as much as I told God that I would follow, trust and obey Him, deep inside there were certain things I could not bring myself to relinquish, for fear it would lead to more pain. I kept them stubbornly tucked away until a crisis point came one December evening where I was alone in my room at my wits end. I knew all along that God doesn’t require half your heart or half of your life. He requires it all. And despite that knowledge, I had still held back some of the things He desired me to give.

I specifically remember that moment because it’s burned in my brain forever. I finally relinquished those deep things in my heart. And I finally prayed the prayer I was so afraid to pray before-----that whatever He desired to do with my life, may His will be done, even if it led to more pain, more hardship, more struggle. And no matter what happened, no matter what the cost, I would trust in Him and know that whatever befalls me, His grace would be more than sufficient..

The peace that came into my life soon after, was nothing like I experienced before. Long story short, as some of you may know, my father has fully recovered. I’m getting married in February. I have a new job I love. My sister has returned to the family and we are working towards mending our relationship.

I don’t want to be misunderstood here. I’m not saying it was only because I prayed that prayer of surrender that the Lord brought about those blessings. Nor was it because I had this “great faith.” One must beware of the dangers of legalism. The result for some people who pray that prayer could turn out very differently. They may go through worse situations, and it could take weeks, months, even years for the Lord to answer. The truth is, despite the many possible reasons, in the end I don’t know why the Lord allowed all those things to happen to me. And I can’t say for sure why He chose to bless me so soon afterwards. But instead of the “why’s” I instead choose to trust, that in His infinite wisdom, He had his reasons. And I can only testify on what that experience brought about. And what I found is that the road to following Jesus, really leads towards the cross. So narrow is the path to salvation and embarking on that journey can be painful. I realized that if I truly loved the Lord, than I would have to follow Him at any cost. You desire His will for your life even if it’s very different from what you wanted or perceived.

I also say to my friends that if I had never gone through hard times, if I always got everything my way and never struggled with hurt, pain and loneliness, I shudder to think at the kind of person I would have become. The thought to me is absolutely frightening. I can’t imagine the ruin and destruction it would have brought. So I give thanks, that through trials, He saved me from that terrible price. And His mercy and grace still shines through in my life today.