Clemson - 8/25/11 by The Black Sheep

Volume 1, Issue 1 | 8/25/11 - 9/16/11 | WWW.THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

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Black Sheep

“A College Newspaper That’s Actually About College”

Holy Mother of Tailgates Molly Griffin wrote this

As the sun starts to peek through those Blue Ridge mountains, fan-filled cars roll in from all over and set up tents on every-- and I do mean every-- square inch of property on Clemson’s campus. Not a single, solitary spot goes unspoken for. If it’s large enough to put a pop-up tent and a grill on, there will be someone who paid a small fortune to camp out there for the day, feeding and entertaining their friends, family, newfound friends, and any drunken straggler who might happen to come around. Once you step south of the Mason-Dixon line, college football goes from being a sport to a religion and tailgates are the church potlucks where everyone is dressed in their best to eat and drink in celebration of the team they love. Clemson tailgaters have it all: Grills, kegs, coolers, plasma screen TVs, sofas, recliners, you name it, they’ve got it under their tent, and all for the love of college football. If you’re a newbie to the world of tailgating there are quite a few things you need to know. If you’re a veteran, you know what’s up with the scene: A day of never ending corn hole tournaments, all-you-can-eat barbecue, fried chicken, and copious amounts of alcohol that could result in a much shorter day than you were expecting if you’re not careful.

Other stuff

Inside

Whether it’s a noon game, a 3 o’clock game, or a night game, the best piece of advice out there is to take it slow and balance your food and alcohol intake. Keep in mind that the later the game, the longer you’ve got to party hardy beforehand. Anywhere else in the country, kegs and eggs tailgate is just that, kegs and eggs. Bring it to Clemson and you’re playing a whole different ballgame. You don’t just have kegs and eggs, you have Bloody Marys, mimosas, Busch Light, Bud Light, Miller Lite, Natty Light Coors Light, PBR, sweet tea, sausage, biscuits, Chic-Fil-A trays, breakfast casseroles galore, and well…you get the picture. If only thirty people are expected at the tailgate there will be enough food for three hundred, and it’s all for the taking my friends, so indulge wisely. 30 percent of college tailgaters don’t make it into the stadium, but eating a hearty meal will prevent you from becoming a statistic. If you do happen to find yourself overindulged in alcohol, and in desperate need of some food, you’re in the right place! That southern hospitality is bound to kick in and some kindhearted soul is going to feed your drunk ass so that you can actually make it into the game. They understand that drunkenly missing that winning field goal is going to lead to quite the state of bitter sobriety within the next few hours. Another thing you can count on in the South is heat and

04: Picking the Perfect Seat

With class back in session, where you sit is just as important as who you sit by.

humidity. It’s important to dress for the weather, but don’t lose sight of what you need to be doing, dressing to impress. Everyone who you know, sort of know, want to know and want to be will be tailgating and whether you’d like to or not, you’ll run into each and every one of them so dress accordingly. For girls: sundresses with cowboy boots or sandals are your best bet. For guys, you’ll be good to go with a button down or collared shirt and khakis or something of the like. Remember, you can never overdue the orange and purple. If there was ever a time where it was completely appropriate to be as obnoxious as humanly possible with school spirit, this is it, so go crazy. The perfect addition to any tailgating ensemble: a coozie. Never, ever, under any circumstances be caught at, near, or around a tailgate without a coozie…or two…or five. We’re in the homestretch, friends. That moment you’ve been waiting since November for, the song that shakes the southland and watching your Tigers run down the hill is almost here! Keep all of these things in mind as you take part in the finest display of day drinking that ever existed: tailgating. You sure as hell don’t want to miss a second of it so eat your food, drink your drinks, don’t forget your coozie, and let’s get ready for a great season! Cheers to that!

06 The One Night Stand Getaway

How to slip on out after he slipped on in.

15: the black sheep interviews:

we talk to sweedish rockers Peter, Bjorn and John!

Table of

contents

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Drunk Texting Maybe we should all agree to go back to rotary phones.

Bartender of the Month This TD total dime gives us the lowdown on life behind the rail

Party Pics + Shoutouts If you send us nudity, we’ll print it. (Maybe.) I’m Not Going to Drink THAT Much Tonight That’s what they all say.

Crappy Movie Guide Lowdown on Campus Living Everything coming out this Why did you decide to live fall looks like a pile of poop. in the Shoeboxes again?

Top 10: Things You Should Do Before Leaving Clemson.

What Your Mother Didn’t Tell You Other than she loves you.

Page Pic Three

of the

Issue!

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Letter from the Manager Hello Readers! Welcome back, Clemson has missed you! And if you’re a newcomer to the infamous Tiger town, Clemson is sure glad to have you here! Incase you’re unaware, The Black Sheep is a social newspaper that is soon to become your favorite guilty pleasure. Bar specials, party tips, party fouls, and sexual endeavors are just a few of the many things you’ll find in here. Priding ourselves on the phrase, “A college newspaper that’s actually about college,” we hope that we can show you a good time and provide you with the finest forms of fuckery and debauchery that you’ve ever laid eyes on. So, “like” us on Facebook, follow us on Twitter, come have a drink or two or five with us, and enjoy the ever-loving life out of it because we’re here to stay! Only raging things are to come of this my friends, and I couldn’t be more excited about it!

Come Join the Team! We're looking to bring on some writers, marketers, and groupies. Think you got what it takes? Email us at jobs@ theblacksheeponline.com

The Art of Multi-Tasking

SEND IN YOUR PARTY PICTURES

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THE ULTIMATE HYPOTHETICAL

QUESTION: If you could have any super power you wanted for a year at the cost of losing your non-dominant hand, would you do it? Which super power would you choose? Send your answer to hypo@theblacksheeponline.com, or reply on Twitter (@BlackSheep_Clem) or Facebook.

Cheers to y’all and go Tigers! Your Campus Manager, Molly Griffin

! s m a r g a n A Sexy Can you guess these hotties? Send your answers to celebs@theblacksheeponline.com The first 5 right answers win prizes!

Word of the week Abruptuous:

Dreary Nylons

Derby Rock Elk On

Submit your own word! word@theblacksheeponline.com

Definition: Suddenly becoming very attractive for no specific reason. “I don’t know if Karen got a new haircut or what, but she’s abruptuous.”

Picking the PERFECT Seat Katie Hall wrote this As an army brat I know how crucial the first day of class is, and one of the most nerve-wracking parts of coming into a new situation is finding your place, literally. Picking the perfect seat is pivotal, especially now that you’ve made it to the big leagues, aka college. The key is to find the perfect balance between being noticed by your instructor for that GPA-boosting participation grade, but flying just far enough under the radar to sneak out for the occasional trip to the lake, or having a morning off to recover from the rager you threw last night. Tie that in with sitting next to a hottie in the fourth row, and you’ve got the formula for a semester of success. Lesson One: Avoid (at ALL Costs) the First Row Obviously; this lesson is a no-brainer. Sitting in the first row opens up a Pandora’s Box of shenanigans, that most sane people don’t want to deal with. You’ll be in direct line-offire of Professor Spits-a-Lot’s spray, is that the way you want to start your day—covered in old-ass man spit? You have the ever-irritating burden of possibly becoming “Teacher’s Pet;” but the position’s much more akin to being the class slave. Passing out papers, being the note-taker on the SmartBoard, and the go-to for an intensive question and answer session when no one else speaks up, are all chores that are simply not doable for 8 o’clock in the morning. And worst, you might find yourself buddied up with the classic First Row Kid. You know, the one that has ALL the answers, who just can’t seem to shut the hell up, and always comes to class prepared? Yeah, that’s your typical first row kid, and if you’re not careful, he might be sitting right next to you, breathing his superiority down your neck, and shooting you his judgment eyes because you simply can’t remember the difference between marginal benefit and marginal cost.

tor for the entire class, on the only day that calculators are acceptable. Those kids, plus the added allure of texting and skipping all together (because ol’ Spitty in the front never sees you anyway) just secured your spot in Tillman over the summer. It won’t be air-conditioned. Lesson Three: Aim High In any given class there’s bound to be one person that you could see yourself hooking up within the near-toimmediate future; sit next to them. Yes, they may be infinitely better looking, smarter, richer, hell, even Greek, but you were smart enough to sit next to them, and clearly you have something to offer. After all, you’ve managed to pull yourself together and get to class on time, so you can pretty much conquer anything at this point. You never know, you might bond over your mutual hate of Scantron tests and transition your classroom flirtation to a tailgate date, shot-gunning beers with the girl of your dreams. The point is, if you just have to be at class, in a smelly, extremely uncomfortable lecture hall in Kinard at 8 in the morning, you might as well have something to look forward to. You’ve got a semester to seal the deal, get after it.

"You never know, you might bond over your mutual hate of Scantron tests and transition your classroom flirtation to a tailgate date, shot-gunning beers with the girl of your dreams"

Lesson Two: Avoid (if you can) the Back Row This lesson is a hidden gem—back row actually sucks. It’s very sad, but very true. On the bus to your small-town middle school field trip back was a glorified spot, but now it’s a one-way ticket straight to Summer Session I, because you may or may not pass this course. You might be thinking—what the hell? Why wouldn’t I want to sit in the back row? Well, my friend, I’ll tell you. On the first day of class, the back row tends to be the place where all the shouldbe-rejects end up. You know, the Johnny-Come-Latelys who couldn’t find the class clearly labeled MACROECONOMICS? Not to mention your typical Back Row Kids, the ones that could smoke Wiz Khalifa under the table but still manage the brain cells to talk your ear off and borrow your calcula-

There you have it, a no-fail guide to picking the perfect seat for the next three months. With that ever-daunting task behind you, your success is truly limitless. So pack up your North Face, and charge up your iPad, you’re officially ready for the first day.

Want more? We got you covered. theblacksheeponline.com

DOWNLOAD OUR iPHONE OR ANDROID APP AND STAY ENTERTAINED ALL YEAR LONG, NO MATTER WHERE YOU ARE...SERIOUSLY, YOU COULD BE STUCK DRIVING YOUR STUPID ROOMMATE AROUND AND REALLY NEED TO READ ABOUT THE BEST "NEW" PLACE TO STICK YOUR FINGERS, AND WE'VE GOT YOU COVERED. YOU COULD BE SITTING AT A LAME ACCOUNTING STUDY SESSION AND KNOW THAT THE ONLY WAY TO LIGHTEN THE MOOD IS WITH A STELLAR DRINKING GAME, AND GUESS WHAT, WE HAVE THAT TOO. AND AT THE END OF THAT SESSION WHEN YOUR WEIRD PARTNER WHO IS ALWAYS MAKING A MOVE ON YOU PASSES OUT WITHOUT ANY PANTS ON, YOU CAN SNAP A PIC AND SEND IT STRAIGHT TO PARTY PICS FROM YOUR PHONE. OH YEAH, WE HAVE ALL THE BAR SPECIALS, TOO. DID WE FORGET TO MENTION THAT? SEE HOW HANDY WE ARE? SEARCH: BLACK SHEEP MOBILE AND GET HAPPY.

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SEX and the u

What is it about being drunk that makes your hand creep into your pocket, whip it out and embarrass yourself? Sure, it happens with penises once in a while, but more often the culprit is inappropriate text messages that you’ll regret as soon as you wake up. While you can easily go to the gym for hours to get rid of the Pepperoni HotN-Ready, or the Italian Cheesy Bread (which is absolutely delicious) that your fat ass decided to eat at Little Caesars, drunk texts and even worse, drunk sexts, are out in the open for the world to judge. Whether you were the one who got too shitfaced or the one receiving drunk texts/sexts, no one can deny the entertainment they provide us with, even when it’s at your expense. After waking up to enough of these moments where your heart drops as you think to yourself, “Shit, did I really say that?”, anyone would want to throw in the drinking towel. These are the four people you need to stop drunk texting before you have to go sober: Your BF/GF (if you don’t go to the same school): Doing this is one of the stupidest things you could ever do. Sending your significant other a text that says: “Babbyyy! i’m sooo drunksi3s right nww i ms-

You Drink, You Text, You Lose

ssssssss yuuuuoo <33” or, “theres a guy that looks EXACLTY lke you, its crayz, nd he keeps getng us shots! wigsh you were here ” is going to do absolutely nothing but make him go apeshit and question your fidelity. The rule here is: you text/call each other before you get bombed, and either again when you’re back at your apartment, or first thing in the morning. Your Ex: Hey. Retard. They’re an ex for a reason. Either they didn’t want to be with you anymore or you stopped wanting to be with them. Drunk texts between you will never turn out well. If they ended things, you’re gonna make yourself look like a pathetic dweeb begging them to come back to you. Now, even if you were the one who ended things and let’s say all you want is some ass, well, have fun when they wake up next to you and assume that that means you guys are back together. Clingers suck. Enjoy. Your Fuck Buddy: There is absolutely no reason to text them. You guys are not dating. Anything along the lines of, “I miss you” is unacceptable. Even if you already know this and are just looking for some late night nookie, those feelings of rejection and embarrassment are inevitable when you realize you textually harassed your bang buddy only to get zero responses. That one looks kind of like: Me: hey, whatcha doin?? Me: come downtowwnnnnn Me: im at TDs, where r you?!

join the team hireme@theblacksheeponline.com

Heather Castrillon wrote this

Me: Are you coming? Me: okay…or don’t come. Me: i’m at my apt now, come overrrr Me: are you coming or not? Me: i’m naked ;) Me: that’s cool, i fucked your roommate. Me: okay seriously. where are you?? Your Parents: Seriously. What’s wrong with you? Unless you crave awkward conversations with your parents while you’re still hung over, this one is easy. Ready? All you have to do is use your reading abilities. As soon as you’ve finished the text that says, “We bout to roll up some bud, come ovr, im so drnkk”, just look at the contact you’re sending it to, and make sure it says anything, literally anything but “Mom” or “Dad”. If you suffer from habitually drunk texting or sexting inappropriate shit that makes you cringe the next day, and you lack the self-control to think though what you’re about to send while drunk, well, I’ll give you my remedy: Right before I’m about to pass out, I get my phone out and go straight to my texts and press ‘Delete All’. And then, voila, you wake up with a guilty/embarrassment-free conscience. If I don’t remember sending anything inappropriate, and I don’t have any evidence to suggest I did, then it didn’t happen.

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Tips For a One Night Stand Getaway Sarah Padva wrote this “He was just, like, soooo good at grinding and I thought it was so cute how we made out before we even talked, so, like, of course I’d go back with him!” What seemed like such an intelligent decision at the time has now left you in an unfamiliar room, clothes a- strewn, and a naked stranger sleeping next to you. Ah, the ingredients of a one night stand. Now you just have to tuck and roll before naked Sleeping Beauty (or not) wakes up and you have to pretend to know their name. First things first, analyze the crime scene. If their limbs have you pinned down to where you can’t move, you’re pretty much screwed. Figuratively, that is. The only option in this scenario involves waking them, obviously, so you need to be tactful in your approach. The best excuse—one that makes you seem like a respectable human being after your rather contradictory night is to say that you have “community service to do.” Golden. Now gather up your shit and flee! Another pointer in this scenario, don’t ask to borrow clothes no matter how cold it is. Their Mountain Weekend shirt and Nike shorts don’t exactly hide the fact that you totally took a trip to Pound Town last night any less than your booty skirt and dying glow stick necklaces. Remember that they probably want these items back anyway, meaning you’ll have to have a (ugh) sober conversation with them. So suck it up and sprint across Bowman at 10AM like you meant to be wearing this dress that looks like a shirt. If it just so happens to be freakin’ Parents Day and everyone is tailgating already just hold your head high and don’t look anyone in the eye. At least you had fun last night, right? If last night’s lover is still sleeping, you’ve hit the jackpot. But don’t just go collecting your coins just yet. You still need to sneakily get the hell out. Maneuver out of the bed ever-so-quietly and tip-toe around the room collecting all of your garments while also putting them on to save valuable time. You better believe you’re not going to be lucky enough to take your time without the stranger stirring. Don’t worry about what your

hair looks like, when people see you the first thought on their mind isn’t going to be “I wonder if he/she is trying a new hairstyle.” If they live in a dorm try to make your escape when no one else is in the hall, but you won’t always have this luxury. In the moment it will seem like the group of churchgoers coming back from Sunday mass are judging you, but deep down you know they’re a little jealous of you. Well, maybe. Just praise Allah that this hookup doesn’t live off-campus, that takes things to a whole new level. For those who ventured off-campus last night, it’s like being stranded on a desert island. Assuming you were highly intoxicated when deciding to head home with the sweet guy from the bar with gauged ears, 20 + tats, and a questionable prison record, you probably were in no state to drive your car there. This leaves you with precious few options. Walking home is shameful and scarring experience, so opt out of that one. If you don’t have a friend in the same complex, call ANYONE with a car and force them to come get you. Nothing is worse than sneaking out of a room and thinking you got this whole thing in the bag, only to return and have to ask for a ride home. Which is just great because now jailbait homeboy knows where you live! Last night was probably a mistake, but at least you realize that. Don’t compound it with another more awkward one. Stick to these rules and you’ll be good to go!

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n i t s e b the ! s c i p y part

SHOUT OUTS Got a shout out? Email us at shout@theblacksheeponline.com or send them from our website: theblacksheeponline.com or send them from our iPhone/Android App

Dear international bus stop, stop hogging the cat bus in front of sikes. Sincerely just tryin to get to class Schletter has officially been renamed shitter. Just wanted everyone to know. Football players outside of Vickery, stop sketching on me. Love, the girls of Manning and Lever “Dear parking services, I hate you. Love, debt by parking tickets.” “Hey douche-bag who vommed outside of Groucho’s, maybe next time don’t try to eat two Moe’s burritos when you’re blackout at 4 in the afternoon. Sincerely, girl who’s not a fan” To all the Freshman who thought Pi Chi was a sorority...do your research. “To that frat star in the truck, the size of your truck can’t make up for what you’re lacking in other places” “To the guy DT the other night with the frosted Justin Timberlake hair: just no.” “To the chick next door: your singing sucks. STFU.” Shoutout to the two freshmen who sat with me during my sexile, when I was pretty sure i was drunkenly talking to myself. Shoutout to pizza for being delicious when drunk. Shoutout to Larry- sorry my friend told you you were her soul-mate, lured you into our cab, and then made you pay our $20 fee...you win some you lose some. At least you’re “more mature” than we are.

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Bartender of the Week Kerri C. TD’s Relationship status: In a relationship If you could only eat 3 foods a day, for the rest of your life, what would they be? Lucky Charms, pizza, and tacos. If you could choose between always being obese and living a long life, or never getting fat but only living until 30, what would you chose? Obesity, definitely. I want to live past 30. 30 is way too young. If you could be anyone for a day, who would it be and why? Betty Ford, because she’s been through a lot of shit and she wasn’t ashamed to tell everybodyshe just came forth and was like,

drinking game:

stacks

“This is what happened.” What is the worst pickup line you’ve heard on the job? This really short guy came up to me when we were closing and said, “I know guys hit on you all the time, so what does a guy have to say for you to not tell him to go fuck himself?” What’s the most disgusting thing you’ve ever tried? Instant grits with Mountain Dew. My friend made it as a joke, and it was disgusting. How many 4-year olds do you think you could take in a fight? I don’t know; they bite. Rough estimate, I’d say about 5. After getting bit by five four-year olds, you’re pretty much screwed.

What’s the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to you: The first night when I was judging ‘Absolut Idol’ here, I fell down the stairs in front of everybody. What’s the funniest thing you’ve seen on the job? It was some guy’s 21st birthday, and his friends got him a blue dye shot (a birthday shot – it’s just vodka with blue food coloring) and he threw up a little in his hands and then smeared it all over his face. So he just had blue dye everywhere. Boxers, briefs or freeballing on a guy? Boxers; I think it’s creepy if a guy goes around commando. That’s kind of worrisome I’d say.

recipe for disaster:

Bugle Nachos

Are you willing to bet your laundry money on your quarters skills? If you are, stacks will appeal to you, kinda like that four-toothed hottie you stalk at the laundromat.

Bugles, the highly addictive salty treat, are a versatile snack. Much like a blank canvas, Bugles can be dressed up in lovely ways. Here is one of those wonderful ways.

Number of Players: At least two. What You Need: A bunch of quarters and some beers. Intoxication Level: That pre-teen’s gonna look stacked.

What You’ll Need: Nacho Cheese Bugles, queso, shredded cheese, ground beef. Cook Time: About 15 minutes. Fatty Factor: 100% of your recommended daily sodium intake is an understatement.

How to Play: -Stacks is played on a standard table, have all players sit around the table. -Place one quarter in the center of the table. -Each player takes turns attempting to bounce another quarter so it lands on top of the quarter in the middle of the table. -If a quarter stops and is touching the center quarter, the player doesn’t have to drink. Stack the touching quarter on top of the middle quarter. -The game continues in this manner. If a player misses the quarter, they must drink. If the player’s quarter ends up touching the quarter (or stack of quarters), place it on top. -As the stack grows, the game becomes more difficult. -If the stack falls, the player causing it must drink one drink for every quarter in the stack.

Let’s Get Baked: - Cook up the ground beef on the stove top. Add in some delicious spices. - Warm up some queso in the microwave, but it only has to be lukewarm. - With a spoon, fill each Bugle with queso. Put them on a plate like nachos. - Add the ground beef on top of the Bugles. Sprinkle with shredded cheese, then pop it in the microwave to melt the cheese, about 45 seconds. - Of course, you can add any amount of nacho accessories; green onions, black olives, jalapenos, salsa, guacamole, sour cream… mmmm.

The Game Ends When: The group decides to put the quarters towards a Taco Bell feast.

You can always make double or triple layer nachos, depending on how patient you are with filling the Bugles precisely with queso. Also try dipping the Bugles into the queso. This way, you’ll get most of the queso on your fingers, which you can then decadently lick off.

- Try Beefâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;sÂŽ Catering -

Visit BeefOBradys.com for our catering menu

Not valid with any other offer, discount or purchase of gift cards. Tax, alcohol and gratuity not included. One offer per table, per visit. Valid for dine in or take out. Total value not to exceed $5. Expires 9/30/11.

101 Canoy Lane, Clemson, SC 29631 (864) 654-5151

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Fall 2011 Crappy Movie Guide

We were going to do an actual fall movie guide, but when we looked at the release schedule we couldn’t help but think, “Holy shit, all of these movies look terrible.” Hey, gotta do what the market dictates, right? By: Brendan

Title: Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star Release Date: September 9th Starring: Nick Swardson, Christina Ricci, Don Johnson Why It’s Gonna Suck: Look, Nick Swardson seems like a nice enough guy. His stand-up is pretty funny, and he was genuinely hilarious in Grandma’s Boy, but the rest of his filmography includes such classics as 30 Minutes or Less, You Don’t Mess with the Zohan, I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry and his (7 episode long) TV series Nick Swardson’s Pretend Time. What is this dude doing starring in a movie, again? Scene Guaranteed to Happen: The camera cuts quickly to everyone in the room just after Swardson makes some sort of thinly-veiled allusion to Bucky’s homosexuality. Disgusting Thing I’d Rather Do Than See This Movie: Lick pus from an oozing foot blister. Title: Abduction Release Date: September 23rd Starring: Taylor Lautner, Lily Collins (daughter of Phil Collins!) Why It’s Gonna Suck: The tagline for the movie is “The fight for the truth will be the fight of his life.” He’s not Martin Luther King Jr. people, he’s a shitty, emotionally void actor who finally gets to fire a gun instead of shape shifting into a werewolf. Scene Guaranteed to Happen: A low-angle camera circles a shirtless Taylor Lautner as he stares menacingly into the distance, gun in hand. Disgusting Thing I’d Rather Do Than See This Movie: Inject baby shit into my own ass with a turkey baster.

Title: Dolphin Tale Release Date: September 23rd Starring: Morgan Freeman, Ashley Judd, Harry Connick Jr., a dolphin Why It’s Gonna Suck: A heartwarming tale about a dolphin losing its tail? Puns in the title? Harry Connick Jr.? Dolphin Tale has “schlockfest” written all over it. Expect life lessons about friendship, social responsibility and questionable movie roles (why, Morgan Freeman?) all up in your grill, because every time a dolphin gets caught in a tuna net, it’s your fault, you filthy consumer piece of shit. Scene Guaranteed to Happen: An emotional moment is had by all when the dolphin, new tail in hand, breaches the water in a display of friendship with the young protagonist. Disgusting Thing I’d Rather Do Than See This Movie: Your mom. Boosh. Title: Real Steel Release Date: October 7th Starring: Hugh Jackman, Evangeline Lilly, robot boxers Why It’s Gonna Suck: Because for some reason this movie will have a plot. A stupid, contrived plot. Down-on-his-luck Jackman meets a kid that inspires him to get back into the ole’ robot fightin’ game? No. Robots punching each other? Yes. It doesn’t matter how much robot fighting is in this movie, unless there’s 8 hours of clobberin’, there needs to be more metalon-metal action. Scene Guaranteed to Happen: An absolutely ridiculous montage featuring Hugh Jackman teaching a robot how to box. Disgusting Thing I’d Rather Do Than See This Movie: Eat a random item out of a Planned Parenthood dumpster. Title: The Three Musketeers Release Date: October 21st Starring: Orlando Bloom, Christoph Waltz, Milla Jovovich Why It’s Gonna Suck: The first two sentences of the film’s Wikipedia entry note The Three Musketeers is a “steampunk-influenced reinterpretation…shot in 3D.” My god, you can practically see the studio execs massaging their boners as they think about the buzzwords attached to the flick. “Hey, Harvey, do you think the synergy between a steampunk movie shot in 3D and the vertical collaterals of a burgeoning franchise will get us each another bathtub full of money?” “I dunno, Lewis, would you like to suck my dick while I think about it?” Scene Guaranteed to Happen: Some weird steam-powered flying contraption zips out into the audience. Disgusting Thing I’d Rather Do Than See This Movie: Go down a Slip N’ Slide full of an obese family’s taint sweat.

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The Black Sheep Interviews: John (but not Peter or Bjorn)

the MUSIC page

Like that IKEA where you bought your scummy dorm futon, Swedish indie rockers Peter, Bjorn and John are pretty damn big, and they’re all over America. The trio is kicking off their All You Can Eat tour in Chicago with dates across the nation until they wrap up in San Francisco on October 8th. Drummer John Eriksson was kind enough to let us interview him. What a handsome gentleman. The Black Sheep: How did having a hit like “Young Folks” change your approach to writing songs for Gimme Some? John: I think we’re 50% “screw it” and 50% “let’s not screw it up.” Having a hit in the genre of “indie-pop” — or whatever we are — could be a bit like if the most popular dish at a steakhouse was fish, in other words, “confusing.” For us “the hit” works like a carrot on a stick, “Young Folks” has a life of its own and that is what you want to happen to all of the songs you write. We wanna make evergreens, classic fucking pop songs that will last forever, and we try to do that all the time. Sometimes we fail, of course, but on Gimme Some we think that there are some pretty decent ones, for sure.

CD REVIEW

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La Liberacion

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CSS’s upbeat attitude is barely a hit, nor neither a miss. Guys, we aren’t in 2007 anymore. The mind frame of “Let’s not worry, Obama is going to come in and fix everything, so let’s be optimistic! Dance, dance, dance!” is now more like “Fuck this. Let’s drink a lot of something cheap and fuckin’ dance.” We weren’t all the way torn down by the recession, so the upbeat, poppy dance music that came out then (Justice, LCD Soundsystem, M.I.A.) was unabashedly fresh, upbeat, and just what the doctor ordered to help ease our wounds. Today, well, we’re a little tired of working 10-hour days and getting laid off. Is CSS’s La Liberacion just what we need to stop feeling so sorry for ourselves? Lord knows we all know their tune, “Music is My Hot, Hot Sex” from good ole’ 07 because it was on an Apple commercial (as the hipsters roll over in their graves at how they listened to it a whole year before.) But most of CSS’s music doesn’t stray too far from the catchy, up-tempo beats of their hit song. Their latest album has their signature unique sound, but with a 2011 spin on it; think more Robyn, Lady GaGa, Ke$ha. The first single, “Hits Me Like a Rock,” has that chanting, anthem-like beat that is super catchy, but perhaps a bit too slow and a bit too tame for a club song. “City Grrl” is a sad, sad song to the tune of Ke$ha, better known

as “crappy and unoriginal.” The lyrics sound like nothing more than a 12-year-old’s glittery dreams; “short shorts, short skirts, flower tops.” But do we listen to electronic, rave music for lyrics? No way! Just take a listen to ““La Liberacion,” a song entirely in some other language, but has enough passion in the singing and intensity in the beats that all you need to do is dance to it, nothing more. While there are tunes with some kitschy sounds (“Echo of Love”), there are some slower-tempo songs (“Partners in Crime”) that fit in without sounding out of place or cheesy. So, I bring you back to our own current economic state; it’s really lookin’ rocky, ya’ll. One day the market has bombed and we are all starting to can fruit to store up for the apocalypse, and the next the market is up and though none of us really know what that means, we rest assure that we can go to work and buy more booze one more day. So while Obama can’t fix anything, neither can CSS. But at least we can dance until we forget about it all. Sounds Like: Robyn’s wannabe little sister. Download: Hits Me Like a Rock, La Liberacion Listen to it When: Pre-gamin’ with your grrls and your gays.

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TBS: What’s the creative process for you guys? Like, talk me through how you get an idea for a song to how you get a finished product. John: Things start when I’m on tour, walking the streets of some city and a melody starts playing in my brain. I’ll pick up my smartphone and record the melody. Then, when I get back to Sweden I’ll go back to the smartphone for the melodies and the lyrics or notes I made for it. I use that to build a song. Three months later I’ll make a demo and sent it off to Peter and Bjorn, we’ll meet in some deserted cellar and rehearse it for 30 or 40 minutes. Eventually we’ll book a studio with some decent mics, walk into a studio and spend 8 or so hours recording a song. Of course the song gets changed like, 6 times. After a few beers and some more mixing we’ll like how it sounds, and we’ll head to mixing (the most mysterious part of the creation). We’ll fight over the mix for a while, and a few weeks later it’ll be finished, we’ll master it and it’ll be ready for a person’s ears. TBS: Can you talk about the differences, if any, in touring different countries or continents? Can you make—or speak in—generalities about venues and shows in different parts of the world, or is that just a myopic point of view from an ill-traveled interviewer? John: People are more or less quite similar all over the world, believe it or not. The biggest difference — and the stuff that will affect the show — is the way the stage works and what kind of food you eat before playing. (And we have eaten much better stuff in Texas than in France). During our upcoming US tour we want to explore those differences even more. In Chicago, for instance, we play at like four different venues during one week. We had this idea that people could get a super ticket and go to all of the shows, we want it to be like a big PB&J buffet, hopefully no one will throw up afterwards. TBS: You’ve shown a lot of support for hip-hop, and hip-hop artists have shown a lot of love to you. Why do you think your music lends itself so well to that genre? John: I think it’s because the drums and the beats in our music are so awesome. (Editor’s note: Because John is the drummer, you see.) TBS: When you’re not busy doing music things, what are you doing? John: At the moment mostly kissing and eating. Not at the same time though.

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TOP TEN

Stereotypes of On-Campus Living

10. Tailgate – The Right Way: Guys, whip out the croakies and khakis, girls, strut your stuff in those dresses and boots – because it’s tailgating time, baby! Grab a drink, gnaw on a chicken wing, play some cornhole, refill that drink again and, hey, if you’re up to it, maybe actually go into the football game instead of just passing out in a folding chair. Welcome to the South, where football is a religion and it’s completely acceptable to crack open a Busch Light at 7:04 on a Saturday morning.

Lauren Delahanty wrote this Living on campus is a joyful experience. For the lazy type, you can roll right out of bed and on to the dreaded 8AM class, then come back and pass out. For the gym-goers, Fike is at your doorstep and you can even go back home to shower before class. Then for fat asses, the dining halls are a tiptoe away. But the biggest perk of all that is totally overlooked: Game days. You’re so close to the stadium! People in Crawford sometimes walk to Death Valley via Old Greenville Highway. You, on the other hand, even at the furthest point, have football season in the bag. Wake up, get ready, pregame, and head on down with a drink in hand. Easy as pie. The Clemson University Housing department raves about on campus living, but they do not mention the gossip surrounding each segment. These are their stories… To the Right, to the Right: East Side Thornhill Village: Back in the day, this used to be where the married couples resided, but in today’s world it shelters upperclassmen. The ghetto area can be pretty sketch at night with those tiny brick houses lit by dim bulbs, making it feel like Halloween. Thornhill houses are very small with only two bedrooms, and the most cramped closet/living room you will ever step into. Lightsey: If you aren’t an athlete, you aren’t welcome. Just kidding, but all the athletes live in Lightsey, so it’s a pretty hot spot. This area houses upperclassmen in apartment-style living. With pretty modern amenities, the apartments are very nice and you can ensure that some definite ragers take place here. Even though it is a tad secluded, Lightsey Bridge takes you right to Hendrix, the heart of student activity. Calhoun Courts: Take me back to the 70’s. Calhoun is another on-campus apartment-style living option. The all-brick buildings were probably lovely in the hippie era, but not so much now. Calhoun is still a nice option if you are looking for that place of your own, but be sure to bring your lava lamp! The Shoe Lever/Manning: When I asked a boy what he thought the Lever/Manning stereotype was he replied, “Smoke shows.” So there you have it boys, go for the Lever and Manning girls because they are hot, hot, and hot! Lever and Manning are the high rises in the horseshoe that only hold freshman girls and the very laid back RAs. This is a fabulous place to live because the dorms are carpeted and have high ceilings. As a Lever 5 girl myself, I can guarantee you will have a great time in your hall even if you are staying in to watch a movie. Brynes: Oh boy, oh boy. Males only, but the females love to access the Brynes basement gym. Also a hot spot, most of the freshman boys reside in this high rise. The porch has rocking chairs that overlook Lever/Manning (convenient… ha!) and prove to be one of the best people watching spots on campus.

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Barnett/Smith: Sorority halls…a lot goes down in these dorms. Each floor is a different sorority and the RA’s are usually a girl in each one. The rules are very laid back, but the dorms are gross. The bathrooms are from the 1800s and the ceilings are low. This place is a rage scene. Mauldin: Located on the sorority side, this building brags about the Nursing learning community. Mauldin houses freshman and the extremely strict, tightwad RAs. However, the amenities are similar to the high rises, the only fault: low ceilings. Clemson House: Clemson House has the sickest sign on top of the huge building that overlooks Bowman field. This used to be a hotel, and offers suite-style living to freshman. I’ve only heard great things about this site, plus there is a dining hall on the first floor. What can be better than that? West Side, Best Side Holmes: This extremely nice dorm, which already has wooden lofts for your bed, holds the smarties: Honors College. Anyone in the Honors College can live in this building, but freshman have first dibs. Located right next to Harcombe and Death Valley, I know I would want to be and honors kid. McCabe: The McCabians are a weird mishmash of people who don’t communicate very well. McCabe is designed in the same manner as Holmes and is it’s next-door neighbor. Upperclassmen who have run out of off-campus housing options or look for a last minute place live here. Stadium Suites: The nicest dorms on campus by far. The front lobby always is equipped flowers, and you often spot athletes walking in and out. With the best location on campus, no wonder this place is so hard to get into. The layout consists of two rooms (four people total) that share a bathroom and front door. This is a top-notch spot for the intense tailgaters since it is located across from the stadium. Shoeboxes: Literally the smallest room you could be residing in. The shoeboxes got their name for a reason and often house freshman learning communities, like the engineers and AVS majors. The long tiled hallway can be daunting, but it only takes a friendly neighbor to open their door to you! Norris: Greek life: five sororities, and who knows how many fraternities. If you are a member of the Greek community, you have it made because these are the most modern dorms on campus. The dorms are very small and contain an even tinier closet, but it comes with a loft for your bed and wood flooring!

9. Hit Downtown: Downtown is the place to be no matter what day or time. Clemson’s one-street downtown scene has been criticized as lacking by some, but anyone who’s been around for T.D.’s karaoke, Tiger Town Tavern’s trivia night, Todaro’s dollar pizza slices, or the Bengal Tiger’s dance parties knows that downtown has got it goin’ on. Chat up that cutie from class and rest assured that if you have one too many Jäger bombs, you can always call the CAT Bus to take you home. 8. Mac’s Drive In: When you’re sick of the dining hall and fast food, head to Mac’s Drive-In! Mac’s is between Clemson and Pendleton and still serves up the same short-order menu it did when it opened its doors over 50 years ago! There’s nothing like a cheeseburger, fries, and some sweet tea. To wash it all down – finish off with a chocolate milkshake and you’re golden. The people are just as great as the food! 7. Steal A Brick from the Courtyard Behind Johnstone: Your diploma and Clemson ring just aren’t enough as far as souvenirs are concerned. Anyone who’s hoofed it across that courtyard to get Parking Services to pay that $75 parking ticket knows how loose the bricks in this courtyard are. What better way to remember your time at Clemson than taking home a bit of the campus? You know, for posterity’s sake. 6. Rub Howard’s Rock: C’mon, how could you forget this one? The Rock is what gives our Tigers luck on the football field – rub it once (or as many times as you can!) before you graduate and maybe you’ll have good luck too. To accomplish this one you’re either going to have to be extra sneaky or wait until the Student Alumni Association hosts its annual “Rub the Rock” event. 5. Hang Out On Bowman Beach: If you’re a girl, put on your bikini and slather on the tanning oil. Guys, lose the shirts and start a game of Frisbee with your boys – just don’t get nailed in the mouth because you were too busy staring at the girls sunbathing. Any warm day that’s not a football Saturday, Bowman is the place to be. 4. Swim in the Reflection Pond: What better way to beat the heat than cool off with a nice, refreshing dip in the reflection pond? Bonus points if you take a dip before the pool’s seasonal cleaning. Extra bonus points if you paddle around between classes when the library bridge is packed with students. 3. Look for Entrances to the Underground Tunnels: Beneath Clemson’s campus is a series of tunnels built for mechanical and electrical purposes – and hidden all around campus are the entrances. Keep an eye out and you’ll notice them all over. So what if the tunnels are full of wires, are boiling hot, and it’s illegal to enter them? Just knowing they’re down there is sort of spooky. So go ahead, fulfill those Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle childhood fantasies – cowabunga, dude! 2. Nap in the Amphitheater: Grab a patch of grass in the Outdoor Amphitheater, use your backpack as a makeshift pillow, and nap away! You might even get lucky and catch one of the yoga classes holding session on stage. Or you might pass out, miss class, and wake up with raccoon eyes courtesy of your shades – either way, good nap, right? 1. Pull a All-Nighter in the Library: Oh right, schoolwork. Time for the all-nighter! Hungry? Order a pizza, find a vending machine, or hit up Snax & Stax on the main floor. Just rest assured that no matter what, you won’t be the only one wearing sweatpants, wrapped in a blanket, passed out face-down in your Chemistry book with Cheeto dust on your fingers at 3:48AM. Anna DuBose Wrote This

What your mother couldn't tell you: 5 tips to get you through freshman year Molly Griffinwrote this Your mom probably gave you some advice before she hightailed it out of town, leaving you teary-eyed and college-bound. They were probably tips like, “study hard,” “study harder” and “don’t get fat.” Well, mom isn’t around anymore. Here are five things that mom may have forgotten since her days in college. 1) Run-ins are for embracing, not avoiding. On a typical weekend night the following events will take place: you go out, get shitfaced, proceed to shack with a rando, and leave in the morning (hopefully in shack clothes to add to your collection). You will think you’ll never see the person again. Unfortunately, you are sadly mistaken. That person whom you had no idea existed will immediately become someone you see on a daily, maybe even hourly basis. This can lead to fawkward (fucking awkward) run-ins. The normal instinct for any person when they encounter their weekend fling outside of the party scene is to run like hell in the other direction. Rather than awkwardly avoiding your run-ins, embrace them. Especially if you want to keep this little thing going as long as you can, be forward not fawkward. 2) It is a marathon, not a sprint. After my fair share of college weekends, I can speak from experience: take things slow. There’s no reason to bring Blackout Barbie out to play within the first half hour of a pregame. You’ve got a long night ahead of you and you want to be sure you make it to finish line. Think of it this way: homegirl puking in the corner is not going to get her flavor of the night hook-up, but the hotshot shaking her thing out on the dance floor probably will. 3) The walk of shame is anything but shameful. Don’t be embarrassed that you sprinted across the finish line last night and got your mack on. As you leave from shacking, never ever sulk back home with your tail between your legs. Strut your shack gear with your head held high, wave at the strangers eating breakfast, smile with your makeup-smeared face and own your stride of pride.

4) Football tailgates, baseball tailgates, or any kind of tailgates for that matter, are social events made to see and be seen. College tailgates are the ultimate hotspots for every campus socialite. Whether you have a ticket to the event being tailgated for or not is irrelevant. There is absolutely no excuse for not being dolled up and present at the crack of dawn with a coozie in hand. Put on your game day colors, get your shittiest, and mingle like you mean it. 5) Remember, you might need that. Themed parties are the lifeblood of college social life. Jungle parties, foam parties, boxed wine and Kraft Singles parties, luau parties, around the world parties, party parties, you name it they’ll have it. Theme parties are the kind of place where it’s completely acceptable to let your creativity get the best of you. If you’re shopping and see something completely off-the-wall and ridiculous, buy it. You never know when there is going to be a luau themed party where you might need that coconut bra and flippers. Sure, she may not approve of the above advice, well at least not this version of your mom. 20 years ago, though, she’d be the one calling you at 8AM, asking you why you’re not drinking yet.

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Madlib: Welcome back to campus! 1) fast food place 2) best friend 3) type of dog 4) body part 5) one of the senses 6) vegetable 7) minority group 8) type of car 9) action 10) number 11) sexual move 12) current crush 13) dance move 14) campus building 15) type of beer/booze 16) old roommate 17) campur bar 18) body part 19) last hookup 20) non-sexual body part 21) name of campus bus 22) friend 23) type of clothing 24) greek house 25) eating/drinking item 26) condiment 27) type of student

Wow, am I glad school is back in session! This summer I worked at ____1____ with ____2____ and it sucked ____3____ ____4____. Every day I had to ____5____ the ____6____, and then take the ____7____ still there from the night before and throw them in the ____8____ outside. Embarrassing. Anyways, enough about my ____9____ summer, time to focus on the future. I’m thinking I’ll go on a ____10____ day bender, during which I can finally ____11____ ____12____ and then ____13____ in the ____14____. We all know he/she deserves it. The one thing I won’t do is drink ____15____ with ____16____ again, last time that happened I ended up at ____17____ showing everyone my ____18____ and well, nobody was impressed. I really hope I run into ____19____ soon though. We left last semester all weird after we rubbed ____20____ on the ____21____ and ____22____ walked in on us. They asked why we weren’t wearing any ____23____ and we told them we had just seen some ____24____ and they took them. Somehow that worked, but come on now. So, raise your ____25____ to another great year starting up. Let’s hope we all manage to rub some ____26____ on some ____27____ this week!

Meet The Staff! campus manager Molly Griffin Advertising Manager Matt Clayton editorial Manager Sarah Padva marketing Manager Heather Castrillón distribution Manager Austin LaFaille Writers Lauren Delahanty Kaitlin Hall Anna DuBose photographer Megan Robertson

marketing Team Alana Rowman Audrey Rotella campus director Brendan Bonham Founders Molly Griffin, Matt Clayton, Brendan Bonham, Atish Doshi, Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, and Jessica Sommers

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