Clemson issue5 final by The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep WELCOME BACK, TIGERS!

FRE E bro ! Like ugh all t t ba he b ck f o rom oze yo hom ur e...

SPRING 2016

E D I INS

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

HOW TO SURVIVE CLEMSON’S SPRING SLUMP TOP 10 WAYS TO REVAMP YOUR PROCRASTINATION GAME SONGS TO ADD TO YOUR DARTY PLAYLIST

Issue 1

MEET THE STAFF CHIEF CAMPUS EDITOR Hannah Soblo

CAMPUS DIRECTOR Brendan Bonham

ADVERTISING MANAGER Apply today!

OWNER Atish Doshi

WRITERS Honey Rider John Bair Adam Richardson Quinn Riley

FOUNDERS Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers

GUERRILLA MARKETING MANAGER Brandon Hurt

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Welcome to Page Three! You are about to have more fun than a freshman at a frat party. Tweet us your answers, or send them to page3@theblacksheeponline.com. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

PAGE THREE THE BLACK SHEEP’S LEGENDARY

WORD OF THE WEEK

COOKING TECHNIQUE OR TORTURE METHOD?

One ends with a delicious dead animal, the other, often, with a less delicious dead person. Can you tell them apart? Send your guess to torture@theblacksheeponline.com, if you’re right, we’ll let you live, and maybe send you some stuff.

OPTIMISSED To be excited about an opportunity, but to fail at that opportunity entirely by one’s own hand.

MANCUERDA?

“Kevin was excited to lose his virginity to Sara. It was a lock…until he optimissed by puking in her mouth as they made out.”

WHOSE AUTOGRAPH IS THIS? You may think your handwriting is hot garbage, but compared to some of these fairly famous fools, you’re practically a calligraphist. Think you know who jotted down this junk? Let us know at autographs@theblacksheeponline.com and we’ll sign something and send it to you.

GUESS THE PORN PARODY CHARACTER Porn parodies are a thing that exist in this universe because humans are disgusting creatures that can and will turn everything good into something sexual. Below we have the porn parody equivalent of a movie or TV show character you probably hold near and dear to your heart. Can you venture a guess? Email us your answer at Page3@theblacksheeponline.com with your answer - bonus points if you know their porn-parodied name, too!

@BLACKSHEEP_CLEM

WE JUST CAN’T...

THE TOP TEN

REVAMP YOUR PROCRASTINATION GAME:

NOT GETTING THINGS DONE IN 2016 With a pocket full of thoughtless gift cards and the lingering hangover from three weeks of sneaking wine wearing oﬀ, it’s time to get back into the good ol’ semester routine. But, in the absence of football you’re gonna have to come up with new and creative procrasti-lutions to put oﬀ homework and studying until May.

MERE DAYS INTO SPRING SEMESTER, CLEMSON SENIORS ALREADY CAN’T EVEN Adam Richardson wrote this

It’s a new semester at Clemson, but students still have to deal with old challenges. Construction causes noise pollution, the line in Barnes & Noble is ridiculously long, and parking problems challenge our sanity. But seniors are particularly stressed. The Black Sheep followed a few for a day to figure out why they can’t evenright now. “Are you kidding me?” yelled Janet Cunningham, a senior education major. Cunningham was in her advisor’s office in Tillman talking about degree requirements. “Why the hell did no one tell me that I have to pay my library fines before I graduate?” She stormed out, cursing under her breath. “I can’t even right now,” said Cunningham as she leaned against the Thomas Green statue. She lit a cigarette. When asked why she “can’t even”right now, Cunningham took a puff and said, “I have $10.25 in library fines, and I’m freaking out, and my advisor doesn’t give a shit.” Cunningham threw her cigarette on the ground, stepped on it with her Timberlands, and began power-walking to Cooper with her arms swinging violently by her sides. Waiting for Cunningham outside Cooper, TBS overheard other students saying the same thing. “I just found out graduation is in Greenville now and not Littlejohn,” complained Jarvis Martindale, a senior philosophy major. Martindale looked up from his phone, which clutched tightly in anger. “Littlejohn is tradition, and Greenville is so far away, and I can’t even right now.” Aside from the reasons that seniors can’t even right now, there was also the question of what it exactly means. “Well, it’s like…” Martindale thought hard. “I guess it means that you’re completely unable to do anything at all,” he said. “It’s not that I just can’t handle the Greenville thing or my stress or the beginning of the semester…” Martindale started to tear up. “It’s that I can’t even right now for life in general.” Michelle Vasquez, a senior biological sciences major, also uttered the phrase outside Cooper. “I can’t find my degree worksheet!” she exclaimed. A fellow student tried to tell her that it’s on iRoar, but she wasn’t having it. “I HATE iROAR!!!” Vasquez started gnashing her teeth and tearing her oversized ironic sweater off. A friend came over to comfort her with a selfie-stick to take several selfies. After calming down, Vasquez continued with the interview. “I’m sorry, I just can’t even right now.” Janet Cunningham finally came out of Cooper with a red face and clenched teeth. “You literally cannot pay your fucking library fines in the goddamn library!” she shouted. “I can’t even right now!” Students started gathering to watch Cunningham as she yelled and rolledaround on the Library Bridge. An unidentified student walked over and stopped to stare at Cunningham. “Wow,” she said. “She looks like she can’t even right now.” Will Clemson seniors eventually be able to even with their problems? Or will their inability to even in the moment paralyze them for the entirety of spring semester? Stay tuned with The Black Sheep as this epidemic combination ofapathy, frustration, and booze takes over the Clemson senior population.

10.) Take up knitting: It’s occasionally cold out now, and this mindless activity will provide you with both procrastination and a lumpy, warm scarf to wear. Just break into the closest local grandma’s house for some needles and yarn, and you’ll be good to go. Plus, you can knit and watch Hulu at the same time — mindlessly watching hours of TV has never been so productive! 9.) Learn the Alma Mater: This one’s a little cheesy,but isn’t learning a ten-line song better than the calculus homework sitting in your backpack? Also, if you take the time to learn it now, then you won’t sound like an idiot at graduation as the only one who doesn’t know the words (that is, assuming you graduate). 8.) Attend Fike fitness classes: “New Year, New You,” is the motto, right? Instead of waiting in a line six guidos deep for the squat rack, sign up for the free Fike classes. From yoga to kickboxing, there’s something for everyone. It’s an easy way to get in some exercise without having to cut a bitch for floor space. 7.) Write a novella: That’s right, we know about that sci-fi-fantasy-romance novel you’ve been hiding in the back of your mind. There’s no time like the present, and now is the time to type that baby out. Isn’t writing about vampire sex more fun than writing that lab report you were stressing about? 6.) Inventory the animals on the wall in Brackett: Seems like a tough task, but hours of possible productivity can be wasted while observing the figurines. It’s the perfect crime because you’ll be in a huge academic building not doing academics. Just carry a clipboard and no one will question you — we do it at Redfern all the time. 5.) Read a book: We’ve heard people do that sometimes. You know — left to right, top to bottom. You’re doing it right now, dummy! 4.) Categorize your Facebook friends: For example, make a category of all those that are currently engaged. Further divide them into Clemson engagements vs. non-Clemson engagements. How many Clemson engagees took engagement photos at Howard’s Rock or the Carillon Gardens? The organizational possibilities are endless. 3.) Stroll through the Botanical Gardens: You can bring your partner or your side chick with you, as you’ll have a ton of privacy. They’ll love how romantic it is, and you’ll look like a stud for coming up with the idea on your own. Take short strolls to avoid daily homework and long meanders for big exams. 2.) Visit every building on campus: This is sure to take a while, and may even be good enough to put off working on a term paper. You could traverse the buildings by location if you want to be concise, or, if you’re feeling creative try visiting them by name in alphabetical order. This procrastination method may stretch over several days if you’re lucky. 1.) Sneak into the Tillman bell tower: We wouldn’t suggest this unless you’re highly practiced in the art of evading and postponing work. First practice your song of choice on a piano or keyboard, and then steal a key to the tower. Once you’re in play to your heart’s content (or until you get kicked out).

Honey Rider wrote this

RIIIIGHT MEOW!

Necessary Song Additions to Your Darty Playlist John Bair wrote this

Football season and booze-infused tailgates are nothing but a distant, albeit very hazy memory, but let’s make the argument that spring semester is awesome because of one thing: darties. They’re a glorified tailgate with all the usual chaos except you aren’t required to stumble to Death Valley and try to not puke on The Hill. And if there’s one thing every darty needs, it’s a killer playlist. Thank us later. 1.) “I Know There’s Gonna Be (Good Times)” – Jamie xx ft. Young Thug, Popcaan: Young Thug is an acquired taste. You might think he sounds like a spastic toddler with a sinus infection, or you may appreciate his irresistible energy and weird Southern swag. Once you listen to this feel good tune, you’re sure to fall into the later category. His beat combined with Popcaan’s old school vocals in the hook create the perfect foolish yet positive vibes for Thugger to spit off lines like, “I’m a ride in that pussy like a stroller.” No question that sounds like a good time. 2.) “Marching Band” – R. Kelly ft. Juicy J: Our bad for showing this to one to you, because basically you’ll realize within the first five seconds that this jam is gonna be stuck in your head until you either replace it with Adele or get to the point where all your drunken brain can focus on is food. Not that that’s a bad thing. The R&B king R. Kelly, never one to shy away from comparing his dick to a brass instrument that fat people play, makes this as replay-able and dance-worthy as his own “Ignition (Remix),” the mother of all party jams. Juicy J, as always, just makes the party even more live. 3.) “Get Used To It” – Justin Bieber: Close your eyes for a second and pretend it’s 2012. Yeah, forget the part where you puke in your friend’s parent’s bathroom after prom. Remember when Bieber sucked? He was a snot-nosed tool with the haircut of your female gym teacher and his candy ass pop music was garbage. Now open them. It’s 2016 and what a time to be alive because Bieber is the KING. Did you hear a single bad song from him last year? The answer is hell no, because he’s risen from the ashes like a metrosexual phoenix. Take him back Selena, the kid’s earned it. 4.) “Dixieland Delight” – Alabama: A throwback, perhaps, but a key song if your darty is to be taken seriously in Clemson. For some reason southerners get off to this song. Actually, we know the reason: it’s up there as a sing-along classic. It’s crucial to memorize all the drunken chorus yells made popular by Crimson Tide fans, the best being “FUCK AUBURN!” You’ll may wonder, “Why fuck Auburn? What has Auburn ever done to me? I’m from Connecticut!” That’s why you came to the south for college, stupid — feeling superior for bullshit reasons. 5.) “The Rock Show” – Blink-182: Your darty demographic is gonna be mostly white people jumping up and down and spilling their drinks on the Patagonias they bought with summer lifeguarding money. Look no further than Blink-182, the patron saints of middle-class Caucasians. Nothing like a little teenage angst and singing about the Warped Tour to make you wanna put on your old Vans and do whippets in your garage. Your parents may not understand, but this song definitely does. Party on.

THE BEST GLASS AND BODY PIERCINGS

IN CLEMSON

ON THE STREETS

NOW TRENDING

WHAT ARE YOU MOST EXCITED TO REGRET IN 2016? COURTNEY, SENIOR

“I am most excited to regret miss class to go to the national championship game.”

Quinn Riley wrote this

6 WAYS TO SURVIVE CLEMSON’S SPRING SLUMP

TANNER, SENIOR

“All the student loans I took out.”

Christmas is long over, 2016 has begun, and the last thing anyone wants to be doing is powering through another semester. In a post-vacation depression, how are we tosurvive another semester’s worth of classes? The Black Sheep is here to tell you just how. 6.) A daily dose of positivity: Perhaps fill a glass jar with 31 positive goals, one for every day, and pull one in the morning as you run out the door. If you’re not the type to be cheered on by manufactured inspirational phrases, spread the positivity elsewhere by writing funny things like“just make it to class then take a nap, forever,” or “at least you’re not dead!”on clothes pins then clipping them to people’s backpacks when they’re in line in front of you. 5.) Stop and smell the [Carillon Garden] roses: So what if there aren’t any roses in Carillon Garden? In light of the impending spring semester, Clemson students can already feel their blood boiling with class-inflicted anxiety. Nature is a holistic remedy to stress, lack of energy, and negative morale, so take a breather in President’s Park or grab a blanket and chill on Bowman. Fresh air does the mind and body a world of good, even if “scientists” might argue that air is at increasing risk of no longer being fresh. 4.) Don’t vote for Donald Trump: There is no greater misrepresentation of America than the ignorance Trump brings forth on prominent domestic issues. Donald Trump as the Commander-in-Chief of the greatest military in the world? Start building your bomb shelters, people, because when Trump and President Putin square off, you might be living on canned tuna and dried ramen for the next year—oh, you already do that? 3.) As the Greek Goddess of Victory Nike historically preached, “just do it”: You all remember that mystical, far away place on campus called Fike, right? Well, The Black Sheep has proof that it’s still erect and welcoming for spring semester! New Years resolutions are going to have Fike abound with people intending to get fit for 2016. News flash! Slowly but surely, the vast majority of us have the willpower of a small goldfish,and will soon retreat to the waﬄe bar at Harcome. Don’t do that. Staying active releases those happy endorphins you know and love (albeit mostly in illicit substance form) and spike that energy just in time for your next class.

SAAVON, JUNIOR

“Not voting in the election when xenophobes vote Trump as president.”

2.) Have a social gathering of young adults with tasty snacks and cool beverages: Let us first take a moment of silence commemorating tailgate season. This spring, it is critical that we Tigers remember how far we’ve come. We are the infamous and unparalleled #1. We mustn’t retire our koozies for warmer days! We shan’t merely read game highlights on our phones! We are climbing the mountain of greatness, people, and Deshaun is heading the trek! We must obey the gravitational force within us that propels us to turn the hell up. Have a social gathering this semester, at whatever capacity you like, so as to continue to fan the flames of the Clemson spirit. 1.) Study smart: We all know what the study daze feels like; your eyes are gliding over the words, your brain is becoming increasingly fuzzy…. Yeah. Time for a nap. Have no fear, beaten and battered academic! We have the recipe. Try changing your location every 30 minutes; the movement will wake you up and the new location will stimulate the senses once more. Alternatively, you could use classical music. Bach, Handel, Mozart, and Chopin are all great composers to pull from when looking for the sounds of synapses, and tricking yourself into thinking you’re smarter and more focused than you probably are.

THE GRID SPECIAL NIGHT

All Day, Everyday $3 Tequilla $6 Bottles of Champagne $10 Liquor Pitchers

WED: Wing Night 20 Beers on tap downstairs, 12 on tap upstairs!

Taco Tuesday! $5.49 for 2 Tacos + Chips $1 12oz Blue Moons

TUESDAY: Greeks Who Drink Trivia! $2 House Bourbon Drinks

THURSDAY

$3.56 Sushi Rolls Wine Night @ 8 $9.99 Wine Tasting

Burger and a Beer Night!

Trivia at 8pm! $3 House Liquor Drinks

$0.55 Tenders $1.75 PBR & Busch Light 16oz Beers

No More Overtime, Two Stories & Two Outdoor decks!

$3 Fireball Shots

Go Tigers!

SATURDAY

Saturday Flaturday: 2 Flatbread Pizzas & 4 Beers for $12.95 Live Music Select Saturdays

Mimosas on the Deck!

Catch all the games!

Go Tigers!

SUNDAY

$10 Liquor Pitchers All Day Everyday

NFL Sunday Ticket - All the games on our 13 High Def TVâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s!

NFL Sunday Ticket on 20 HD TVs

Meat & 3 til 9PM

MONDAY

$12.95 All You Can Eat Sushi

$1 PBR Happy Hour Monday Night Football Specials

Burger Mondays! $5.49 Burger & Fries

$2 House Vodka Drinks

TUESDAY

$3 Tequilla All Day Everyday

Pizza Night $5.75 Large 1 Topping Pizza Buckets of Bud Light $12.50

Taco Tuesday! $5.49 for 2 Tacos + Chips $1 12oz Blue Moons

Greeks Who Drink Trivia! $2 House Bourbon Drinks

WEDNESDAY

$6 Bottles of Champagne All Day Everyday

Wing Night 20 Beers on tap downstairs, 12 on tap upstairs!

Pizza & Wings! $10 Pizza $0.75 Wings $0.50 12oz PBR

Bingo at 8pm! $4 House Double Liquor Drinks

FRIDAY

Trivia at 7pm $6 Liquor Pitchers from 5-8pm

Twitter

@BLACKSHEEP_CLEM

THE GRID

PALMETTO’S Smokehouse & Oyster Bar

Everyday: $4.25 18oz Bud Lt. Happy Hour: Monday - Friday 4-8PM $2.75 Well Liquors $4.25 18oz Bud Light $3.75 Well Liquors Happy Hour: 4-8PM $2.75 Well Liquors

Happy Hour 5 - 7pm Mon - Fri (Clemson Palmettos)

$5.99 Bud Lt Pitchers during HH 5-7pm + Bar Food Specials

FRIDAY: 24 Wings and Pitcher of Bud Light for $17.95 DJ & Live Music Buy 6, Get 6 Wings 5PM-10PM

Wednesdays: Trivia @ 10pm!

WED: Wing Day: 1/2 lb of Wings Buy 1 Get 1

SPECIAL NIGHT

Go Tigers!

$6 House Liquor Pitchers from 4-8pm

THU.

DJ & Live Music

BBQ Social $21.50 Giant Magnum Mimosas $5.75 Bloody Mary Happy Hour: 4-8PM $2.75 Wells/$4.75 Bloodys

$3 House Liquor Drinks During HH 5-7pm + Bar Food Specials

24 Wings and Pitcher of Bud Light for $17.95 DJ & Live Music

Service, Service, Service

$1.50 PBR pints

FRI.

$4.25 18oz Bud Light $3.75 Well Liquors

Big Easy Brunch 10:30am -2pm feat $10 Bottomless Mimosas w/ food purchase.

$0.50 Wings All Day (except gamedays) DJ & Live Music

Your Tigers Headquarters!

Open for Lunch, $10 Liquor Pitchers All Day Every Day, $1.50 PBR pints

SAT.

Closed

Big Easy Brunch 10:30am - 2pm feat $10 Bottomless Mimosas w/ food purchase

NFL Sunday Ticket Try our “Clemson Goodnight” Pitchers

Stiffest drinks in town! Where the Big Tigers Play..

Come watch every game at your favorite bar! 100” TV Biggest in town

SUN.

$1 Bud Lt Draught During HH 5-7pm + Bar Food Specials

$11.95 All You Can Eat Wings

Monday Funday!

Adult Happy Meal: $6.50 for Burger, Fries & Beer

MON.

$5 House Liquor Pitchers During HH 5-7pm + Bar Food Specials

Karaoke Night! $5.99 Select Menu Items All Day

Bingo at 10pm!

50% Off Draft Beer from 4-8pm

TUES.

$3 House Wine... Daily! Brew & Q BBQ Sandwich w/ domestic bottle only $7.99 (add fries for $2)

$1 Burger Night 5PM-10PM

Trivia at 10pm!

Wing Day: 1/2 lb of Wings Buy 1 Get 1

WED.

$4.25 18oz Bud Light $3.75 Well Liquors Happy Hour: 4-8PM $2.75 Well Liquors Tijuana Tuesday $2 House Tequila Drinks $1 Tacos $5 24oz Corona and Modelo $4 During Happy Hour 4-8PM $4.25 18oz Bud Light $3.75 Well Liquors Happy Hour: 4-8PM $2.75 Well Liquors

Spring semester marks a time when one person in every friend group decides it’s time to spread his wings and fly to another country. Hey, that’s you! You do this to experience another culture, to exploit some loophole you think you found in the course credit system, or more likely, to go get drunk for six months and call it “life changing.” It’s no surprise, then, that study abroad people have a tendency to turn into self-righteous dicks -- after all, you’ll be travelling the world while we’re all still masturbating under the sheets once our roommate falls asleep. However, in order to not be completely friendless when you return from ~study abroad~, the seasoned travelers at The Black Sheep whipped up some tips and tricks.

Don’t Write A Goddamned Blog: This may save you from emailing your grandma every week or letting people know you’re still alive after that weekend trip to Sarajevo, but-- and we can’t stress enough that we’re being literal here-- no one will care. Never, ever, post a link to your word slop on Facebook or Twitter. Just email gam-gam; don’t worry, after a month or two, even she’ll have stopped reading about the time you walked by a 15th century church… again. Don’t Get Your Picture Taken with a Foreign Child: Aww, the white girl who had enough disposable income to travel to a foreign country stopped for three seconds to get a picture with the starving African child! Maybe she kicked the ol’ soccer ball around with them and talked about how she shits in clean water and didn’t have to work manual labor the moment she could walk! You’re not foolin’ anyone, suburban-girl-with-African-child-in-yourprofile-pic, so maybe stick with a picture of a giraffe or something. Don’t Start Using the Local Language: Tu habla Espanol muy bueno todos las dias? Bien, Miguel, bien. Tu familia y tu amigos no hablamos Espanol, y tu viejo muy, muy-- no, mas!-- estupido hablan Espanol a los personals no habla la lengua. Es lengua, si? Es estupido porque todos los personas no… como se dice “give a shit”? Donde esta el bano en el biblioteca? Autobus. Manzana. Don’t Come Home and Complain About American Booze: Spending six months in Germany sipping on the finest Dunkelweizens and Rauchbiers doesn’t mean you suddenly get to complain how Coors Light tastes like metallic tacos. You, like every other uneducated chucklefuck in this place will drink your metallic tacos, and you will like them. Never Start a Sentence, “This One Time in France…”: The minute you start a sentence this way, everyone tunes out. Oh look, you’re talking about yourself again! No one can relate to your experiences, no matter how funny or crazy or life-changing they were. Your window to talk about your time abroad is open only during the week you get back, in your first conversations with those you haven’t talked to in six months. After that, keep it to ya’ gd mouth shut. Don’t Haphazardly Keep In Touch Your Study Abroad Friends: “Happy birthday!” you’ll write on their wall, two communication-less years later. This will lead to two scenarios: 1.) Someone asks who this person is and you launch into thirty minutes of mindless word vomit about an eight-hour Greyhound ride from Sydney. Or: 2.) You’ll get sent down a depression-inducing bottomless pit of Facebook albums of your time abroad, liking each one, and broadcasting to the Facebook world how miserable and alone you are back home. Return With Absinthe, Or Don’t Return At All: No thanks, Swiss chocolates. Knockoff Thai suits? Who needs internships? We need the good stuff, baby-- the REAL good stuff. If it’s not 150 proof, changes color when poured over ice, and makes us want to cut our ear off, we’re not interested. Plus, it’ll make the story about the time you got arrested for peeing on the Arc De Triomphe that much more tolerable. Don’t Make a Photo Slideshow of Pictures From Your Trip: STOP TRYING TO MAKE US WATCH IT, WE’RE NOT GOING TO WATCH IT. Don’t bother spending hours putting together sixty repeated blurry underwater pics of you pointing at an oiled-up sea turtle. Just make a goddamn photobook and let it gather dust on the shelf with the dozens of Tube maps you thought would make great souvenirs. Don’t Commemorate This Fraction of Your Life With A Tattoo: You spent 1/40th of your life in Brazil. Why don’t you give it some time before you get that green, yellow and blue flag forever emblazoned on your shoulder? It’ll only serve as a reminder of your youthful naiveté when you’re 41, working in a windowless office and thinking more about your dead dreams than you’ve thought about the entire country of Brazil the past twenty years. Don’t Start A Worldwide Epidemic: The United States has worked long and hard-- like, 6 weeks!-- to keep immigrants out of this country, and now that you left for 6 months, guess what? You’re basically an immigrant. Before Christopher Columbus sailed the ocean blue in 1942, the Americas didn’t even have any good diseases. Bubonic Plague? Nope! Smallpox? Not a problem. Sleeping sickness? Stay in Africa. Leave your illness elsewhere, buds-o. Anyway, if you did bring something back and everyone died, who would be around to hear how much fun you had in Beijing? Don’t Act Like You Didn’t Just Dick Around for Six Months: When you tell your bestie about the time you got delayed overnight in a Brussels airport, but it all worked out because you got bumped to first class, and you wouldn’t have had that opportunity for the pan-sexual orgy if the plane had arrived in Ibiza on time, anyway... just stop with the Brussels airport part. We get it. You had a good time. We didn’t, it was cold, everything hurt and no one loved us. You’re back, remember things yourself-- we have plenty of our own shit we need to forget.

ARE YOU SMARTER THAN? 0 E T OF 1 R SCO 9 OU

1. Health: Edema is a condition characterized by the excess collection of what in the body?

6. Sports: Who is the all-time MLB homerun leader?

2. Politics: What South Carolina Senator officially suspended his presidential campaign on December 21st?

7. Countries: What country’s western most point is at the intersection of the Viale Vaticano and the Via Aurelia?

3. Cooking: Meat, seared on the outside but raw on the inside, is described as this color.

8. Biology: What animal is most readily identified, in part, by its prehensile tail, horned crown, and independently mobile eyes?

4. 2015: What was the top-selling album of 2015? 5. Harry Potter: What minor character destroyed the 7th Horcrux by beheading Nagini?

ROWAN LYNAM

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF OF THE TIGER

9. Reality TV: T.J. Lavin is the host of this MTV reality series. 10. Chemistry: At sea level, what is the Celsius boiling point of water?

Rowan’s Answers

Correct Answers

1.) Excess of fluid 2.) Lindsay Graham—we saw Star Wars in the same theater, and he shook my hand delicately. 3.) Blue 4.) Adele’s 25 5.) Neville Longbottom, with the sword of Gryffindor 6.) Hank Aaron 7.) Vatican City 8.) A chameleon 9.) The Challenge 10.) 100 degrees Celsius

1.) Water 2.) Lindsey Graham 3.) Blue 4.) Adele’s 25 5.) Neville Longbottom 6.) Barry Bonds 7.) Vatican City 8.) Chameleon 9.) The Challenge 10.) 100 degrees

THE DRINKING GAME

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

PTERODACTYL

HEDGE WITH VEG

This simple, fun game can be played anywhere, anytime. Well, anytime you feel like being the most absurd people at the bar/party/funeral.

Last semester you had to convince yourself that it was only the freshman 15, not the senior 60. Well, the holidays didn’t help one bit. Whether it was Aunt Kathy’s gingersnaps or your drunk uncle’s hit of Fireball, the break turned you into a calorie vacuum. But, you’re heading into 2016 with a healthy mindset—and it starts with going vegetarian. Kind of.

What You’ll Need: Beer and people. Number of Players: More than one. Seriously — we can’t stress this enough — if you play this game alone, people will think you are an insane person. Level of Intoxication: Indominusrex, more like Indrunkinessrex! We’ll see ourselves out. How to Play: - Situate yourselves in a circle. Say, around a table at your favorite bar. - Throughout the game everyone must keep from showing their teeth. So cover your teeth with your lips, like you’re impersonating grandma (RIP). - The game begins when a volunteer lifts his arms into little wings, turns to the person on his left, and says “PTERODACTYL” (without showing his teeth). - The next person then either continues the flowby lifting little wings and telling the person to her left “PTERODACTYL!” OR reverses the flow of the game by turning back to previous person, spreading her wings and making a pterodactyl noise (KKAAAWWWHHH!!!!). - The next person can either reverse (KAW!) again, or continue on with a “PTERODACTYL!” You’re trying to get them to crack, so the weirder the better. - Repeat the above until someone breaks and shows their teeth, at which point either everyone drinks, or just the people who break drink, depending on if your friends are f*cking sticklers. The Game Ends When: You get kicked out of the bar, or you decide to call it quits after realizing primal dinosaur screams have been the only way you’ve communicated for the last two hours.

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What You’ll Need: White bread Peanut butter Bread and butter pickles Fatty Factor: You’ll be squeezing into your slightly-less-fat jeans by May. Cook Time: Depends on how much of your supply your roommate—DAMMIT TED!-scarfed over break. It might be time for a trip to the store. Let’s Get Baked: -Grab a few slices of bread. At 100 calories a pop, you’re looking good. -Spread however much peanut butter you want on one slice of white bread. Remember, each tablespoon has 95 calories so…10 tablespoons? -Place pickles on top of the peanut butter. They have like, no calories. Hey! Maybe you should just eat pickles. -Place the other piece of bread on top. -Enjoy your 1200 calories of weight-loss heaven. Hey, if this salty-and-sweet combo ain’t your jam, you’re in luck! It’s scientifically proven that not eating is a great way to lose weight. If you think about it, 2016 is already oﬀ to a roaring start.

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OLD AND NEW STAR WARS CHARACTERS Across 4. Enjoy doing crosswords he thinks you do 11. Self proclaimed “best fricken pilot in the galaxy.” 13. BAMF Jedi played by Sammy L Jackson 14. He’s an ex-storm trooper with a heart of gold 15. A new bad guy with a dope lightsaber 16. Head singer of the Modal Nodes Down 1. Says “I know” to “I love you” like a total bro 2. Probably a racist misstep in hindsight 3. 1000 year old lady pirate with big goggles 5. IT’S A TRAP 6. Commander of the Starkiller 7. Kissed her brother once 8. Baron Administrator of Cloud City 9. The force’s hot new hope 10. Wears a reflective Storm Trooper suit 11. Anakin gets all boned up for this Queen 12. Phenom with a high midi-chlorian count

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THE MADLIB: WINTER BREAK RECAP Can you believe we’re back in class already? Winter break went by like a ___1___ at a____2____. It feelsas if just yesterday I was cooking ___3____ with___4____ and all was right in the world. But that can only last so long and now I’m stuck back at ___5____ with my ___6____ roommate and his stupid ____7____ and I already have a research paper due in a week.What ever happened to syllabus week? Winter break can be ____8____ relaxing, but it wasn’t all fun and games.After hours on Netflix, I spent an embarrassing amount of time answering grandma’s questions about ___9____ and as the days droned on I couldn’t stop myself from repeatedly eating ____10____’s till I puked. Luckily I was able to ward off Aunt Cindy’s prying questions about what I’m going to do with my ____11____ degree and only ____12____ of my family members wore a Trump t-shirt – which I unfortunately still count as a win. To make matters worse, after several nights of going out with old high school classmates in an attempt to escape family time I may or may not have had pity sex with that weirdo ____13____. But that’s all behind us now, because it’s a new year, a new me. I’ve decided to take up ____14____ and devote more time to learning about ____15_____’s ____16____. This is the year of productivity. Winter break may be over, and despite the responsibilities of class and schoolwork at least we have our goddamn freedom back.

CLUE BANK 1) Noise your body makes 2) Event rednecks attend 3) Food you can buy at a gas station 4) Family member you despise 5) Campus building 6) Hateful adjective 7) Item your roommate most values 8) Adverb 9) Show you binge watched over break 10) Christmas food 11) Shitty major 12) Number 13) Name of weird kid from high school 14) Strange hobby 15) Presidential candidate 16) Body part

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