DEPAUL FALL ISSUE 1

The Black Sheep

from FREE hom ! Like e be all t fore he b you ooze hea you ded sto to c le am pus ...

Fall 2015

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

Issue 1

4 WAYS TO RAGE RIGHT THE WORST PLACES TO MURDER SOMEONE ON CAMPUS McGEE’S BARTENDER OF THE MONTH

INSIDE

INSIDE

, K C A B E M O C L E W !

N O I T A N N DEMO

MEET THE STAFF CHIEF CAMPUS EDITOR Liz Hettler ADVERTISING MANAGER Jasper WRITERS Emilio Quezada Georgie Bourgeois Patricia Mahoney Anna Quesse Robby DeShazer

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EDITOR Lauren Minga

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DISCLAIMER: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking.

This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication.

HUMAN RESOURCES MANAGER Michelle Caperelli

Please drink...responsibly and legally.

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Welcome to Page Three! You are about to have more fun than a freshman at a frat party. Tweet us your answers, or send them to page3@theblacksheeponline.com. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

PAGE THREE THE BLACK SHEEP’S LEGENDARY

WORD OF THE WEEK

WHAT MOVIE IS THIS SCENE FROM?

The image below depicts an iconic scene from an iconic movie. What movie is it? If you think you know the answer, email Page3@theblacksheeponline.com . If you’re right, we’ll mail you a prize!

CORKSCREWED An occurrence in which the wine cork breaks in the neck of the wine bottle.

“After it broke, I can’t get the cork to go in the bottle or come out. I’m totally corkscrewed.”

WHICH 1-HIT WONDER IS THIS? Hey, look, it’s that guy who sang that song! What’s his name? Well, we know, do you? If you know the name of the 1-hit wonder from the 2000s pictured below, email us the correct answer at Page3@theblacksheeponline.com . If you’re right, maybe we’ll send you a CD we have laying around our office.

VIDEO GAME CHARACTERS:

2 TRUTHS AND A LIE Can you spot the lie these video game icons are telling you? Think you know the answer, email Page3@theblacksheeponline.com with your answer. We’ll send you that Duck Hunt dog’s head in a box.

I’ve also been known as “Jumpman” and “Mr. Video.”

Me and Princess Peach have never kissed in a video game.

I guest refereed in Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!!

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how to obtain money now that you’ve been fired from your summer job...

JULIE wrote this

START HERE!

WHY DID YOU GET FIRED?

I’m just a bad employee

“Creative differences”

START HERE! how quickly do you need money?

ARE YOU TECH SAVVY?

so you have trouble with authority?

I’m a pure cinnamon roll

I could wait a few days Like, yesterday

Screw the “Man”

Enough I still own a flip phone

I wasn’t bullied for nothing

are you a hoarder?

do your parents love you?

We cool

thoughts on medical procedures?

Define “love”...

Maybe

Naw man

I’m open to options Hard pass

is there anything you wouldn’t do for money?

are you cool with possibly being arrested?

No I don’t think so I would do sex stuff

what is your ideal vacation

I’m down

but are you smart?

Vegas, baby!

Backpacking through Europe

are you feeling lucky?

Yeah, street smart

are you cute?

E = extremely so Lucky to be alive

My mom says so!

Like a punk Hella cute

My stuff is

donate plasma

start gambling

marry rich

sell your crap online

beg your parents

become a hacker

Skills Needed: Ability to sit still for an hour, reliable transportation, and no fear of needles

Skills Needed: Luck of the Irish, respect for Native Americans, and a tolerance for a lot of cigarette smoke.

Skills Needed: Pretty head, good in bed, and ability to smell wealthy, gullible people like a bloodhound.

Skills Needed: An eBay account from 2008, packing peanuts, and complete lack of nostalgia for anything you used to own.

Skills Needed: Middle-to-upper class background, a good puppy-dog face, and no sense of self-respect.

Skills Needed: Ability to code, a friendship with the group Anonymous, and a “V for Vendetta” mask.

a ladies’ guide to living situations (lessons yo mama didn’t teach you...)

HOW TO: ASSERT DOMINANCE OVER YOUR ROOMMATE

5 DISCREET WAYS TO TELL YOUR MAN YOU’RE TAKING A GIANT POOP

College is a time to reinvent yourself, to turn the person you were in high school to the person your future self will regret being. No matter who you were in high school, there’s one person everyone wants to be in college: the top dorm dog. That’s right, we’re talking the alpha roommate. The alpha roommate is the cool roommate, the roommate in charge, the roommate who calls all the shots and takes shit from nobody. Most importantly, the alpha roommate is not the beta roommate, the submissive roommate, the roommate who only calls their mother and takes shit from everybody, especially their mother. It’s decision time; which one will you be? There can only be one alpha, and here’s how to make sure it’s you. - Molly wrote this

For us ladies, some things are uncomfortable to talk about with your man, especially when you two are first getting to know each other. Perhaps the most essential and unavoidable topic is pooping. Yes, even classy ladies fart and poop. But it’s okay, because The Black Sheep’s here to help deal will this issue. By following these 5 easy steps, this embarrassing topic will be easy to handle and become a great test of your relationship! - Amanda wrote this

Ask your roommate what their door keycode is and then secretly switch keys: This move says “You only live here because I allow you to live here.” It may seem like a fun little accident at first, but they’ll soon realize they have a door to go through before they can get through their room door, and that first door is you.

Organize a hall hangout and tell everyone that your roommate rudely blew off your invitation, even though you never invited them in the first place: There’s power in numbers, so make sure the numbers are on your side. Everyone in your hall will inevitably pick favorites, so you need to make sure you’re the chosen one. Your roommate won’t be able to defend themselves from taking the blame for every horrific shit taken in the hall bathrooms because they won’t be there when you start that rumor. Is your hall a safe, welcoming place for your roommate? Absolutely! But only because you let it be, for now.

Do everything you possibly can in your room: Homework, calisthenics, your next door neighbor, etc… Your roommate needs to know that this is your space, not theirs. The more time you spend in there, the better, and the more impractical ways you spend your time in there, the best. Anyone else would find the gym a better place to go swimming, but you’ll take nothing less than a kiddy pool in the middle of your dorm. Keep the music down because your roommate’s trying to sleep? More like coordinate your sleeping habits to adhere to my 5 a.m. music time habits.

Buy a lounge chair, position it in front of the door, and wait in the darkness: This will seem creepy at first, but eventually they’ll get used to it. They’ll even learn to expect it, which will work to your benefit. Next time they’re considering bringing home a random conquest and forcing you into sexile, they’ll have to first consider if they want to risk bringing the ultimate cockblock into play. You know what scares away random hookups? Roommates who sit in the darkness for who knows how long, waiting for you to come home.

Let them know you had a previously arranged roommate that backed out at the last minute (even if you didn’t): This one’s to make sure they know who’s the reacher (them) and the settler (you). You had other, more preferable options that unfortunately didn’t work out in the end. Nonetheless, if they had, you would have chosen said original roommate over your now current roommate in a heartbeat. You’re the roommate prize, and they need to know you’ll expect certain behavior if they want to keep the luxury of living with you.

Nothing takes away confidence like knowing you’re someone’s second choice, and you know who lacks confidence? Beta roommates.

So you’re now equipped to sociopathically manipulate the living daylights out of your brand new living buddy, but why stop there? Manipulate your classmates, manipulate your professor, try out arson for a while and see if it’s for you! Sociopathy is a winding adventurous road; how far will you take it?

5.) Everyone Poops: Just man up and say you’re taking a shit, because if he doesn’t like it you should dump his ass anyway. If you’re new to the relationship or a bit timid, give him the book entitled Everyone Poops, or play the YouTube version of Morgan Freeman reading it. Let’s be honest, no human can resist Morgan Freeman’s sweet, sultry voice.

4.) Before you lay the wood, I’ve gotta lay mine: Sexual innuendos are perhaps the best way to un-awkwardify a situation. We’re all dirty, filthy people on the inside and our love for sex is one thing everyone has in common. If you say this line, preferably before morning sex, it is a guarantee that your man will at least crack a smile and maybe even not completely understand what it means. The end result will benefit you both.

3.) Selfies: Tell your man you’re going to the bathroom to keep all your various social media accounts presh. Everyone knows that bathrooms have the best lighting anyway—where else does the light perfectly fall upon your cheek bones?! On a side note, if you end up taking a while, he’ll understand your need to bless your followers on #SelfieSunday.

2.) Write It Out: Another fine possibility is to spell out “I’m pooping” on the bed with books or roses, because at the end of the day you’re a lady and dammit you’re romantic. Or leave anonymous Post-it notes around the house that lead him directly to you. These Post-it notes can say anything you’re feeling. Topics include but are not limited to: “I’m dropping the kids off at the pool,”“taking a deposit to the bank,”“defecating,” and “filling the peanut butter jar.” He’ll love playing this fun little game while enhancing his vocabulary!

1.) Music: Ahhh, sweet song lyrics have always best summed up and described life’s most awkward, painful, saddest and funniest moments. There is no better way than to sing, “Let Me Poop” to the tune of Disney’s infamous Frozen. If you don’t like Frozen, you can always come up with a rap, preferably while you’re on the toilet, leaving him impressed. There’s no doubt he’s going to want to wife you up after that.

By following one or all of these ways to secretly tell your man you’re taking the Browns to the Super Bowl, you’ll not only breakthrough that awkward barrier of poop and non-poop talk, but who knows where your relationship could go from here. The first step in all successful relationships is to be comfortable with and around pooping and farting. So congratulations, because we all know couples that talk about poop, stay together.

The Horoscope: Your Sign as a Potato

Have you ever wondered what form of potato coincides with your astrological sign? Yes? Well then today’s your lucky day, because The Black Sheep has created a potato-themed horoscope for your week! You can thank us later.

ARIES — SMILEY-FACE FRIES: Aries has an affinity for all things 90s and 00s, and has probably never missed a Tuesday night out. They are just the right level of crispy, and are really fun at parties. Keep your eyes (and potatoes) peeled for a love interest coming your way this week.

TAURUS — THE MASHED POTATO: A Taurus wears many hats - butter, chives, bacon bits, you name it.

Their classic nature makes them consistently successful, and a good pairing for most other foods. Err...people. Pay especially close attention to detail on the 8th, and remember the old saying: measure twice, mash once.

GEMINI — THAT ONE CURLY FRY IN YOUR REGULAR FRIES: Aka probably the best potato-related thing that can happen to you.

You are full of unexpected surprises and never fail to make others smile. Their unique nature makes them stand apart from the crowd.

Keep on the lookout for a price drop in that thing you’ve had your eye on around the 7th.

CANCER — CHEESY POTATOES: This person is a main course masquerading as a side dish. They’re a little off the beaten path, and take longer to warm up, but in the end, they’re completely worth it. The kind of cheese depends on the person, but usually they tend to stick with the classics. Get ready to dazzle your friends at a barbeque around the 15th.

LEO — WAFFLE FRIES: The perfect pair to almost any meal, the Leo is as friendly as they come. Others get excited when they hear a Leo is coming to their dinner party, and some may cancel plans just to go. Leos are especially great with little kids, but are loved by people of all ages. Keep an eye out for a hot chick(en) on the 12th.

VIRGO — THE SWEET POTATO: The name says it all. The sweet nature and mild flavor of a Virgo instantly attracts everyone around them, but some are more attracted than others. Virgos are also the least salty out of all the signs, literally and figuratively. Get ready for a big opportunity coming your way on the 21st.

LIBRA — MCDONALD’S FRIES: The scales of the Libra are perfectly balanced between salty and soft.

They strike harmony in the golden brown outside and squishy inside.

Make sure they aren’t salty, and they’ll be much warmer. Have lunch with a close friend on the 19th, they’ll want to ketchup with you.

SCORPIO — ROASTED POTATOES: Probably the closest a potato can get to being “badass,” like Scorpios are known to be. They’re lean, they’re mean, and they go great with a side of steak. A Scorpio should be on the lookout for a big change coming sometime this week - and accept it cause it’s awesome.

SAGITTARIUS — HASH BROWNS: You either love a Sagittarius, or you hate them. They’re kinda stringy and crispy...and to be honest, the word Sagittarius just reminded me of spaghetti squash and that’s the only reason why they’re hash browns. Look for a healthy dinner alternative on the 16th.

CAPRICORN — HOME FRIES: A classic form of potato and a funny nickname for your friends all rolled into one. Capricorns are notorious for being the unsung hero.

They are the backbone of many things, yet are often overlooked.

Prepare to shine in the spotlight on the 22nd this month.

AQUARIUS — POTATO CAKES: Hearty and filling, the Aquarius is usually a lot to handle all at once.

Your bold flavor and easy recipe draw similar people towards you.

Usually Irish people. Prepare for good news around the 23rd.

PISCES – CHIPS: What goes together better than fish and chips? And yes, we mean fries, not actual chips. Pisces are a little exotic, but still a classic at the same time. Not one to be messed with, Pisces stick around for good.

Expect a visit from a far away friend around the 14th.

JULIE wrote this

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ON THE STREETS

WHAT WOULD YOU DO FOR A 4.0?

LIA DAVIS, SOPHMORE

“I would have no problem running around campus flashing everyone for a 4.0.”

THE 4 WAYS TO RAGE RIGHT Michael Dukakis wrote this

ISABELLE HICKERSON, SENIOR

“I’d transfer to Loyola. I hear their academics are scaled down because they can’t keep up with DePaul GPAs.”

Waking up the morning after the first rager you host is all that it’s hopped up to be. You take that somber walk down the hall, into the bathroom where you take the longest shower of your life, reflecting upon the past night’s happenings. How you threw up out of a window, and how it managed to cover your neighbor’s car. But hey, you asked for it. You decided to throw a party.

Here’s what you need to do before you take on the burden ofhosting arager…

Don’t drink an entire bag of Franzia in under 2 hours: “it’smahaparma n I cun do whaeva the fuck I wun do, ya fish,” is not a viable response to your concerned roommate when she says, “ya real gon drink tha? Haha u crazy.” Both of you are not competent human beings and should not be allowed to make life-altering decisions like drinking 5 liters of arsenic-laced wine or accepting a request to join the “Chicago Students for Lindsey Graham” group on Facebook. There is just no happy end for you or anyone in a 10-foot perimeter of your drunken self. Pacing is key. You’ll pass out at 3a.m. rather than 11:00p.m., you’ll wake up less hungover, and you’ll spare yourself the embarrassment of waking up in a your neighbor’s dog’s bed wearing only rain boots.

Hide any object that could be used to invoke physical, emotional, or theoretical damage to yourself and others: This includes box cutters, scissors, Swiffers, the tape, your friend Vanessa, lighters, and your Leatherman. Do yourself the favor of sparing people from being cut, lit on fire (because apparently you do that now), and inappropriately using the Swiffer Wet Jet. Granted taking the cleaning stuff out of the bottle and replacing it with Fireball is an ingenious maneuver, however, you will forget that you did that and proceed to cover your floors in more alcohol next time you clean (probably never).

Be sure to invite your friends who DON’T KNOW WHEN TO STOP: You need to have a failsafe. You need to have that one person, or crowd, who you can compare your horrible behavior to the following morning. “Yeah I did end up heckling that family from the balcony and that little boy did cry, but at least I didn’t have sex with Victor A., from Postmates, in the pantry, amiright Ellen?...Ellen!...Oh, she should definitely get tested. C’mon, let’s go wake them up.”You need to have someone at your party who’s bound to do something completely incredulous, which will overshadow your mistakes. It’s like a “Get out of Jail, Free” card; now you can pass Go and collect $200.

Invite a trustworthy, sober friend: Sober friends are a must at a rager. They serve as the babysitter. Someone needs to make sure that you don’t pass out in a stairwell or take another person’s Uber to Edgewater. You’re gonna need that one blessed soul to escort you to your room, tuck you in, and turn you onto your side so you don’t asphyxiate in your sleep.(Thanks, mom!)

Now, if you follow these guidelines, you’ll be able to throw a rager that makes picking up the pieces easier and minimize your chances of having to buy a new Swiffer.

07

SCOTT MOZINA, SOPHMORE

“I’d join the Westboro Baptist Church for a 4.0. To bring them down of course, but still. They don’t know that, and I assume they’re offering the 4.0 bribe.”

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BARTENDER OF THE MONTH

CHASE AT MCGEE’S

Relationship Status: Single as hell Major: Political science Favorite Drink: Malort on the rocks Favorite Shot: Bourbon Disgusting Drink: Jack Daniel’s Where’s the best place for a sneaky makeoutsesh in Kelly’s?: On my lap, just kidding.

In the bathroom, that’s why the line is always so long. Okay no, on top of the bar, let’s give the people a show. Please, don’t actually do that…

What’s the best thing that happened to you this summer?: I found God. What’s something you wish someone told you when you

were a freshman?: Bring your own booze to house parties because the jungle juice is for sure going to run out in the first five minutes.

Which 2 swear words are best put together?: Pecker sucker.

What is the laziest way to avoid the freshman 15?: En courage your roommate to get the freshman 30.

What is the spirit animal of your most sexual fantasy?:Beluga whale.

Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Wait this isn’t an interview to work at Starbucks?

I thought my barista career was about to take off.

5 WORST PLACES TO LOUDLY MURDER SOMEONE ON THE LINCOLN PARK CAMPUS Robby wrote this

We get it, sometimes stuff happens and somebody needs to be taken care of for good.

But whether you’re a member of the South Side Gang, or just a misunderstood underclassman, you might find yourself having to murder someone at DePaul University’s Lincoln Park Campus. The Black Sheep has you covered with the 5 worst places to commit such an act.

5.) The Ray During a Yoga Class: Now sometimes this convenient gym seems like it’s just perfect for everything. Hell, they even have possibly the best food on campus at the Bean, but one thing that you might not know is that one of DePaul’s worst places to loudly murder someone is the yoga classes held frequently at the Ray. Recently we sat down with Jeff Macros, a junior, who said that every time someone has tried to murder someone during one of the many yoga classes that he takes, someone always finds a way to spot it and point it out to campus security before the crime is over. Thus, we give yoga classes at the Ray Meyer Fitness center a total of 3 out of 10 on the murder scale.

4.) The Second Floor of the Student Center: This pick is really more about courtesy than it is about how good of a murder location it is.

We realized that many students try to enjoy their meals while on the second floor of the Student Center, and after sending our staff on different dining experiences, we learned that most people enjoy their meals more when someone is not being loudly murdered at the next table.

Our staff gives this location a 4 out of 10 on the murder scale. After all, you came to DePaul to be a Vincentian and put others first, so why would you want to ruin a fellow student’s lunch by murdering someone on the second floor, when they would much rather you do that downstairs near Brownstone’s?

3.) Downstairs near Brownstone’s: The dinning staff at DePaul University would like to remind you that, while there are less dinning options downstairs at the student center, that all of the same rules of courtesy apply to downstairs as they do on the second floor. Once again, a 4 out of 10 on the murder scale.

2.) Underneath the Statue of Father John Joseph Egan: A common misconception amongst the DePaul murder community is that one could detach the oversized hands of the statue of Father Egan outside of the Student Center and use them to bludgeon their victim to death whilst screaming “This is what I am doing for justice!” The Black Sheep would like to remind you that Father Egan’s hands do not come off of the statue. Murder rating 1 out of 10.

1.) The Very Room that We Are Writing this Piece in: We understand that my audience might not be the best of people. Please do not kill us or any fellow The Black Sheep writers. Contrary to popular belief we’re not a bunch of cigarettesmoking monkeys chained to keyboards, but we do write our articles in a dimly-lit apartment on the north side.This would be the worst place to murder, especially if you are wanting to murder me. Rating: 0 out of 10.

PAGE 10

THE TOP TEN

GAME OF THRONES QUOTES TO USE IN THE DEPAUL FALL QUARTER The fall quarter is finally upon us, and what that means is that it is time to communicate with real people. After spending your summer watching, re-watching, or just basking in the glory that is the HBO fantasy drama Game of Thrones, you might find it hard to return to normal conversation without constantly quoting the show. So we caring souls over at The Black Sheep have emerged from our binge-watching dungeon to give you the top 10 GoT quotes to use during the fall quarter.

Super Duper Senior Decides it’s Time to “Get His Shit Together” Clyde III wrote this

The beginning of the school year is quickly approaching and students all over campus are making proclamations about how they’ll be better this year. One student, Jeffery Huntsville, reached out The Black Sheep to proclaim to the world how he’ll be a wonderful student this year.

“I’ve been at DePaul for a while now and I just feel like this is going to be my year,” Jeffery told us while picking through a box belonging to a new roommate 6 years his junior. “After 7 years of undergrad, I feel like it’s time I got my shit together and become a better person.”

When asked how he would change this year, Jeffery gave a few points. He promised to not miss class anymore, start working out at the Ray, that he won’t show up to class hungover or drunk, and most importantly to make some friends this quarter.

We tried to reach out to some of Jeffery’s friends to comment on his promises, but we couldn’t find any, so we went to his family instead. Jeffery’s oldest brother, Josh, doubted Jeffery’s ability to accomplish any of these goals.

“If I know my little brother, I know he doesn’t have it in him. He says exact thing every year and by the end of the first week, he’s already failed at everything,” Josh explained while writing negative comments on Jeffery’s Facebook status.

Jeffery’s cute three-year-old brother, Joey, also chimed in, “Failure, failure!”

To put this information into perspective, we also referred to Jeffery’s parents for comment. “We’re so proud of our son, he’s doing the best he can to get through college and become a success.” After reminding his mother that we were asking about Jeffery, their 26-year-old son living at DePaul since 2012,she still stuck to her comments.

Her husband doubled down. “He really is doing the best he can. Honestly, we didn’t even expect him to get in college and now he’s managed to stay seven whole years!”

We began to wonder how Jeffery hadn’t been kicked out by now, so we went to DePaul’s administration for comment. We asked how a student who only shows up to class while piss drunk and fails to use any of the facilities offered to him has managed to stay enrolled, they responded with, “Are you kidding me? His parents pay for his tuition out of pocket. We’re going to milk this kid for what he’s worth!”

We went back to Jeffery to explain DePaul’s position, but upon our return we realized that he had already failed his goal to stay sober. We explained the situation to him anyway and he responded, “Duuuuuude, that’s awesome! That means, I can stay in school as long as I want?

We wrote several motivational quotes on Jeffery’s fridge and quietly left out the back door, hoping that he’d forget this conversation and do something useful with his life.

10.) “There must always be a Stark in Winterfell.”: As the days get shorter and the nights get longer it will become increasingly easy to stay inside when your roommates want to go out. Use this quote to remind your roommates that one of you must stay and attend to the needs of your kingdom, the same way the Catelyn Stark reminded her eldest son Robb in season one when she left for King’s Landing.

9.) “Winter is coming.”: The official words of House Stark ring truer to the city of Chicago more than any other city in America. As soon as you notice the wind off of Lake Michigan to be cooler than usual, it’s a known fact that you need to soak up the last of the summer heat, and prepare for incoming polar vortex.

8.)“I’m just asking you to run my kingdom while eat, drink, and whore myself into an early grave.”: Much in the same way that the late king Robert Baratheon asked Ned Stark to attended to the business of the Kingdom as the hand of the King, so shall you when you ask your roommates, significant others, professors or just about anyone you see anywhere on campus to do things for you that really just take away too much time from you being a total badass. And once you get them to do it, reward yourself by drinking a cup of wine and yelling at your squire.

7.)“Chaos isn’t a pit. Chaos is a ladder.”: You’ll whisper this quote to your friends sitting next to youin your Intro to Public Policy, as they squirm to remember basic terms that you started memorizing as soon as you got the syllabus.Their suffering is your stairway to success.

6.)“It’s not easy being drunk all the time. If it were everyone would do it.”: Use this cleverly crafted quote from the (p)imp himself, TyrionLannister, to tell your classmates that you can in fact survive having Professor Lynch’s wine class and beverage management back to back on Tuesday and Thursday mornings. You’ve had more than your fair share of hangovers but hey,you earned that A. 5.)“The one who passes the sentence must swing the sword.”: Maybe being drunk all the time was harder than you thought…because now your professor is reminding you that you never turned in that term paper on wine climates, or maybe it was public policy, it’s a hard schedule to keep up with. When you hear your professor say that he might have to fail, you hit ‘em with this quote hope they appreciate the reference. Then fail with grace and honor.

4.)“You’ve perfected the art of tearing up paper.”: You’ve stayed up all night watching your roommate try to write a paper worth 15% of their grade, while you spent your time (as mentioned earlier) eating, drinking, and whoring yourself into an early grave. Once they look over at the masterpiece in the cold, honest morning light to realize it’s absolute shit, hit ‘em with this baby, you clever bastard.

3.)“I learned to die a long time ago.”: The winter winds have started to chill the campus and you know you’re not going to survive anymore of this whoring and drinking. Recite this quote when your classmates ask you if you’re even prepared for that upcoming philosophy exam — not only does it show confidence in your failure, but you sound pretty badass.

2.)“A Dothraki wedding without at least 3 deaths is considered a dull affair.”: So that weird guy in your hall finally convinced you to come see his thrash band play at Mutiny and everything is crazy. Say this to yourself as you fight back the fear of being thrown into the mosh pit you were promised would not happen tonight. Be careful, friend.

1.) “You know nothing Jon Snow.”: DePaul University is a campus that not only allows debate between students, but encourages open dialogue about many different things. But screw that. Sometimes you aren’t in the mood to argue your point with someone who just doesn’t get it. Use this line to remind your opponent that they do, in fact, know nothing.

Robby wrote this

BOOZE REVIEW Ménage à Trois Berry Vodka Grade: B+

Staff wrote this

After many a horrid experience back when it was the go-to drink simply for being “cheap as shit,” we’ve done a pretty decent job of blocking the hideous fragrances and collective aftertastes of devil’s brews like Burnett’s and Pinnacle. But sometimes, there comes a moment in a man’s life where he just needs, well, a girl’s night. Aptly labeled and named, Ménage à Trois Berry Vodka looks exactly like the sort of juice a red winetoting trophy wife would pour herself several glasses of. Except it’s, you know, vodka.

Smells Like: Berries, but more specifically, the non-specifically vague ones that have to exist in the world of triple distillation.

Tastes Like: Exactly what berry-flavored vodkas should have been tasting like since your first misguided puke caused by them. Ménage à Trois lives up to its French namesake in that it actually earns its French namesake. Not sure about the prospective threesome, though.

Typical Drinkers: - Hardcore grandmas wanting to enjoy Golden Girls with something other than prune juice and insulin.

- The girl in the group who reluctantly accepts an invitation to a “cheap wine girl’s night.”

- A horny desperado who thinks that maybe, just maybe, this will be the night where a liquor’s name doesn’t fail him.

- The “Ha! Enjoy your less than $20 vodka, peasant” vodka connoisseur.

User Comments: - “It… it doesn’t burn… SWEET BABY JESUS, IT DOESN’T BURN!” - “Y’all wanna watch Sex and the City followed

by Predator 2 later on?”

- “Wow, this is so good that I can probably take it strai- UGH, no, never mind.”

- “I can’t believe those two girls slapped me in the face simultaneously. Thanks, Ménage à Trois…”

You’ll Like This if You Like: Coming back to your old, alcohol-based squeeze’s loving embrace, even if it did leave you alone and crying on several nights.

Best Described as the Last Ballsy Line of Defense You’ll Use on a Crush: “Ménage à Trois? Pourquoi, oui, mon chéri.”

What Your Grandma Would Say if She Saw You Drinking This: “Oh, Jesus, sweetheart.

Thank God you came through. This family party fucking blows.”

Common Food Pairing Suggestions: Strawberry lollipops, bonbons, assorted dark chocolate truffles, perfume.

We Mixed With: Coke, Diet Coke, the Tears of Sexually Frustrated Men

THE DRINKING GAME

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

FRESHMAN 15 SHOTS

FIRST DAY ON YOUR OWN CASSEROLE

With school starting up again, it’s important to get focused but even more important to focus on getting your tolerance back to an acceptable level. This game is sure to give your liver a warm welcome back to campus.

Mommy and Daddy drop you off at school and hightail it outta there before you can change your mind, now what do you do? Forget the ramen, you can make something just like grandma used to make—after she became old and senile and tried feeding you raccoon for Thanksgiving.

What You’ll Need: A good ol’ handle of Burnett’s, a flask, and plenty of perseverance.

Number of Players: You and all your closest friends who you haven’t seen all summer.

What You’ll Need: A casserole dish, (Who are we kidding? You’re not Martha Stewart) or some sort of pot—the baking kind. No, no, the kind you put in the oven. Also, whatever food you can scrounge up for free during Syllabus Week. Probably Papa John’s and whatever else. We used two slices of pizza and a box of fried rice a hobo generously offered us.

Level of Intoxication: You’ll be missing class the next day because of the hangover.

Fatty Factor: 1000% of your daily-recommended value.

How to Play: - Take a shot for all the ambulances you hear called on the freshmen that can’t hang.

- For every icebreaker in your classes, take a shot.

- Every time you step around puke on the sidewalk, drink to that.

- When you see the herds of students wearing lanyards around their neck, take a shot and try not to strangle them with their makeshift noose.

- If somebody asks you for directions, take a shot and appreciate the fact you look like you know your way around this place.

- If somebody asks to borrow your ID for the bars, take a long drink and deny them every time.

Let’s Get Baked: - Preheat the oven to 400 degrees.

- Take the pot and gently place it on a flat surface.

- Throw all the ingredients into the pot so violently that they selfcombine.

- Sprinkle a hefty helping of salt for “flavor.”

- Wait a certain amount of time, you decide.

- Carefully remove from oven.

- Divide into enough portions to last the entire semester.

- Call Mom and cry.

The Game Ends When: You realize you have to stumble to your next class, whatever the hell that might be.

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If the complaining to Mom doesn’t work, virtually every club on campus offers free food during Syllabus Week. Just steal a pizza or two at every session and you can last through most of the semester.

NOMNOMNOM AT THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

The Black Sheep’s

Definitive Guide to D.A.D.S. (Day After Drinking Shits)

The variance and veracity of man’s bowel movements after a night of drinking has been a problem that’s plagued our species since the dawn of Saturday mornings. Right up there with life’s most pressing questions — Are we alone in this universe? Is there long-term, tangible meaning to all this?— lies the question Does my butthole sting because a big poop physically ripped it open or is it so toxic that it’s merely an acidic burn? Well, wonder no longer, dear readers, for The Black Sheep dares to take you on an adventure do identify the behavior and cause of 7 different types of DADS. - Quinn wrote this

liquid fire

All morning your butthole has felt pressure building behind it, not unlike holding your thumb over the end of an angry hose. When If you finally reach the bathroom in time, the result is what the male species can only assume what peeing out of a vagina feels like. Only, you know, out your butts.

Cause: You drank a lot, and fast… also you probably forgot to eat dinner.

Whoops! This fire hose of shit will come late the night-of or early the next morning, as your body is reacting quick and aggressively to flush everything out. 2 Steel Reserve 40s – food – body’s ability to absorb water + your intestines pulling liquid to flush the influx of toxins = liquid fire.

Dirtstar Supernova

Also known as the “Wine Cork,” the Dirtstar Supernova turns your butthole into an old civil war cannon, backed up with years of black powder, sediment, and dust in the basement of Fort Dumpter. Suddenly the cannonball comes blasting out surrounded by all that loose sediment. The fort walls are covered in black debris, and the cannon itself is a blown apart.

You’ve got a real mess on your hands.

Cause: The ethanol in alcohol revs up the intestines to push everything through quickly, leaving less time for colon to absorb water, which means watery stool. Plus, you must’ve had one already loaded in the chamber. As your body freaks out and floods the bowels, pressure builds behind that nicely-digested poop like a shaken up campaign bottle. Whatever you’re doing, you better find a bathroom fast, before your dirtstar supernovas inside your pants.

Ground Beefs

First, stick your tongue out, close your lips and make the snake tongue motion while pretending to blow out candles. Then imagine someone browned a pound of hamburger, dumped it in a gallon jug of water, shook it up, then sporadically forced 20-30oz of the watery chunk mix out of a turkey baster 10-250 times a day.

In this scenario, the turkey baster is your tight lil’ buttonhole.

Cause: At least you’ve got some solids now, but they’re disjointed and flooded.Unless you’ve been snacking on granola all night, the lack of fermented fiber in your bowels means you lack the “glue” that binds chunks of poo together, resulting in Ground Beefs.

Hot Snakes

Perhaps the most common type of DADS, the hot snakes are long, brown tubes that flitter out your butthole and coil around the toilet bowl with the fury of a thousand suns. Like your high school girlfriend, they’re thin ‘n windy.

Cause: Hot Snakes form after a combination light beers and fatty foods are given enough time in the dehydration chamber that is your large intestine to solidify more than the prior DADS. However, as you’re gripping the toilet and adding an extra push to exorcise these demons, the extra strain causes your external anal sphincter (the doorway right before the exit) to contract, thus squeezing your poo like an angry toddler’s fist around a clump of Play-Doh.

Black Cement

Remember being a kid on the beach, making drip castles out of wet sand?This is the same thing, only instead of a beach you’re in a moist Subway bathroom, and instead of sand dripping out of your hand into a neat little castle, this is a warm, continuous stream ofgrainy shit being pushed out your whimpering butthole.

Cause: Coupled with all the red wine you drank last night (sugary drinks containing fructose are hard to absorb, and result in soft serve), you’ve waited a long time to poop — maybe because you held it in while Brad took you to brunch. Brad, he’s so sweet~! So while Brad was blabbering on about his high school lacrosse bros, your large intestine was dehydrating and reabsorbing all that toxins in your wine poo. The plus side is the girls won’t hear you splatter the toilet with Ground Beefs, negative side is this shit don’t clean up real good…

Dark Matter

Dark Matter is the most dense, and therefore heaviest, substance in the universe.

Much like your soul as you crushed a second Jimmy John’s sandwich at 3a.m. it’s black, thick, and dead inside. It sinks to the bottom of the bowl, prepped to pull the city’s plumbing system, then the universe, into a bottomless black hole of despair.

Cause: You probably haven’t pooped all day, and that’s not good. The large intestine continues to absorb and recycle the shit in your poop, so the longer you’ve held onto this toxic poop, the worse you’ve felt. This leads to a very dense, very dark piece o’ poop in the bottom of your toilet bowl. That, or you’re a very healthy drunk eater and you just laid a high density, low-fat poo. But we’re going to gamble and go with the prior.

Joe ‘Splosion

Named after a dear friend of The Black Sheep, the Joe Splosion is when you go into the bathroom to alleviate your DADS, but end up doing double duty. You sit on the porcelain throne waiting to evacuate last night’s demons but nausea quickly demands your attention. The walls start to close in, and you opt to hop off the seat, unwiped, to press your temples against the cold tile floor and pray for death. But death doesn’t come, and now bile is spilling out both ends like a porcelain cherub spewing water in a pervert’s fountain.

Cause: You just straight up went too hard last night, man, and now either nausea or the smell of your DADS is sending your body into a last ditch, all-out detox. You fucked up.

FUN FACTS: Alcohol’s Effect on Your Crap Factory STEP 1: Once that third shot of strawberry Burnett’s travels down your esophagus, the absorption of alcoholbegins in the stomach, where it starts to poison the cells and tissues of your digestive system.

STEP 2: As the booze continues to the small intestine, the intestinal cells absorb the bulk of the alcohol. The toxicity causes these cells to lose their ability to absorb water (not good for not having diarrhea), and some cells even die! THEY’RE DEAD! STEP 3: Meanwhile, the enzymes your body normally releases to break down carbs in the small intestine FREAK OUT when it can’t handle the amount of carbs contained in 13 Bud Light Limes, and sort of just say “fuck it” and let all those carbs into the large intestine undigested.

STEP 4: The cell injury and death leads to an outpouring of fluid from the intestinal lining, which is in turn poorly absorbed. Poorly absorbed liquid in the intestines? You probably smell what’s coming next.

STEP 4: Somewhere in this process you’re shoving a shitload of grease and Jimmy John’s down your gullet in which your already-poisoned, hobbling large intestine is still trying to ferment all those carbs.

It’s about here you’ll start farting. A lot.

STEP 5: Your brain finally notices your body is being poisoned, and, literally, opens the floodgates to flush that poison out. The end result is large volume secretory diarrhea, the worst stripper name of all time.

STEP 6: Your body continues to flush the bowels until the alcohol is detoxified and removed from the digestive system. So, the more you drank, the longer you can count on shitting yourself. The good news is, your body is well under way of detoxing itself by your second bout of D.A.D.S.

SPOT THE DIFFERENCE!

CAN YOU FIND ALL 8 DIFFERENCES? IF SO, EMAIL US AT SPOT@THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM AND WIN A PRIZE!

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BLACKED OUT CARTOONS Can you identify these Disney Princesses? If so, email us at cartoons@theblacksheeponline.com and win a prize!

SNAP US! (not your junk)

BlackSheep_DPU

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THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB

YOUR SUCCESSFUL SEMESTER Well, this headache isn’t quite how I expected to start this semester, but I guess that’s what ya get for pounding a __1__ of __2__ at __3__ rager last night. Actually, kind of reminded me of __4__ pool party over the summer, when I __5__ that one __6__ and didn’t even catch a name.

But this semester’s not going to be like last semester! First class up is…ok, well I missed __7__, but it’s just Syllabus Week anyway, so who frickin’ cares, right? I’ll definitely go to __8__… but it’s all the way over in __9__, so, maybe not.

Enough of class, man. Plenty of time to do the whole academic thing. I wonder what’s even going on tonight. Oh shit, it’s __10__! It’s—that means it’s __11__at __12__! Been waiting for this one all summer. Going to get my good clothes on, going to shave my __13__and I’ll be bringing back a piece. We’ll put on some “__14__” by __15__and tomorrow morning we’ll hit up __16__for some of that good Plan B. Ok, but for real. It’s time to get up and get the whole day going. Well, wait, I forgot I was just about to start another season of __17__on Netflix. Well, maybe I’ll go to class tomorrow.

WORD BANK 1) Container/ volume of booze (bottle/case, etc.)

2) Beer or liquor brand 3) Friend, possessive 4) Different friend, possessive 5) Sex act, past tense 6) Term for guy or girl 7) First class of the year

8) Second class of the year 9) Far-away campus building 10) Day of the week 11) Bar special 12) Bar that has 11’s special 13) Body part 14) Sexytime song 15) Artist 16) Campus health center 17) TV show

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