MSU JANUARY ISSUE by The Black Sheep

SPRING 2016

The Black Sheep

FRE E you ! Like sto all t le f rom he boo hom ze e...

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

Issue 1

WELCOME BACK, SPARTANS!

E D I INS

YOUR WINTER BREAK LIES TOP 10: REASONS NOT TO SKIP SYLLABUS WEEK REASONABLE RESOLUTIONS FOR SPARTANS

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THURS FRI SAT NO COVER!

Welcome to Page Three! You are about to have more fun than a freshman at a frat party. Tweet us your answers, or send them to page3@theblacksheeponline.com. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

PAGE THREE THE BLACK SHEEP’S LEGENDARY

WORD OF THE WEEK

COOKING TECHNIQUE OR TORTURE METHOD? One ends with a delicious dead animal, the other, often, with a less delicious dead person. Can you tell them apart? Send your guess to torture@theblacksheeponline.com, if you’re right, we’ll let you live, and maybe send you some stuff.

OPTIMISSED To be excited about an opportunity, but to fail at that opportunity entirely by one’s own hand. “Kevin was excited to lose his virginity to Sara. It was a lock…until he optimissed by puking in her mouth as they made out.”

WHOSE AUTOGRAPH IS THIS? You may think your handwriting is hot garbage, but compared to some of these fairly famous fools, you’re practically a calligraphist. Think you know who jotted down this junk? Let us know at autographs@theblacksheeponline.com and we’ll sign something and send it to you.

MANCUERDA?

GUESS THE PORN PARODY CHARACTER

Porn parodies are a thing that exist in this universe because humans are disgusting creatures that can and will turn everything good into something sexual. Below we have the porn parody equivalent of a movie or TV show character you probably hold near and dear to your heart. Can you venture a guess? Email us your answer at Page3@theblacksheeponline.com with your answer - bonus points if you know their porn-parodied name, too!

@BLACKSHEEP_MSU FOLLOW US ON TWITTER FOR ALL THE ANSWERS!

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LIES YOU TELL YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT WINTER BREAK IN EL Justin Sienkowski wrote this

Whether it was for work or because you couldn’t aﬀord a plane ticket to your parents’ house in BFE, your ass was stuck in East Lansing over the holiday break. Usually a hotbed for drunken shenanigans, EL clears out faster after finals than a lecture hall after the attendance sheet is passed around, leaving your lonesome butt behind as they go back to their hometowns. Never willing to admit just how lame you are, here are the lies you told your friends about how you spent break. You explored Downtown Lansing: There’s really no need to venture outside of East Lansing during the year, with the parties, bars, and athletics. But, rumor has it that downtown Lansing actually has something other than Golden Harvest and Déjà Vu. You’ll sound real sophisticated and trendy when you talk about your visit to the latest craft brewpub or 100% locally-sourced vegan nightclub—even though in your heart you know you wouldn’t go anywhere that doesn’t serve booze in either a pitcher or a bucket. You hooked up with one of the neighbors: After an entire semester of passing eye contact and awkward conversation in the elevator, you’ll insist to your roommates that the mutual abandonment that you and the dime next door endured over break drove the two of you into each other’s sheets. When they ask why you still aren’t hooking up with them, you’ll give an elaborate explanation of how it was getting “a little too serious for my taste.” The Christmas dinner you cooked was delicious: Reminiscing about the family dinners of old, you set out to cook up a Christmas feast for yourself. Four hours later, you were crying on the kitchen floor of your Cedar Village apartment, covered in gravy and brown sugar and shoveling undercooked dinner rolls into your mouth. It wasn’t ideal. In your version of the story, you’re a natural pre-prison Martha Stewart, showing your friends a collage of images of delectable sides and pies you stole off Pinterest. It was nice to have some alone time: Doing your best impersonation of yourself on a job interview, you tell your friends how it was “sort of weird not going out on the weekends,” but that you “finally had time to focus on some things on my personal agenda”, such as “read all of the Hunger Games books,” and “start working out at IM West.” Rather, you thought of doing these things, but then continued bludgeoning your brain with copious amounts of wine and Netflix. You partied with Connor Cook: With all your friends bragging about their wild NYE celebrations, you decide to one-up them by telling them an in-depth tale of how you and Cook raged your faces off after meeting at The Peanut Barrel one night. The story concludes with you and Cook breaking into Spartan Stadium at 3 a.m. so he could bomb Natty Lights to you, which you then proceeded to chug, spike into the grass and “dab” on top of. You wore pants: Not even once. Winter break can be a bummer in East Lansing, but fear not, Spartan. It’s now; the debauchery of syllabus week is here. Remember, it is not the plentiful assortment of half-oﬀ drinks nights that make East Lansing special, but rather the rowdy students who still pregame them anyway.

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PICK 6

6 OTHER MOVIES THAT SHOULD BE FILMED AT MSU From the beautiful North neighborhood to the Broad Art Museum, campus has a wide variety of scenery and stories. With Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice, a movie filmed partially at MSU, coming out soon, we decided to come up with a list of other movies that should follow suit.

5 PLACES YOU MIGHT HAVE MISPLACED YOUR MOTIVATION LAST SEMESTER Andrea Jablonski wrote this

Welp. Fall Semester has come and gone, and now so has winter break. A time where you had forgone any and every responsibility, and were encouraged to jerk it in between episodes on Netflix of for three whole weeks. You probably had so many plans to hang with your friends from high school, walk around the DIA, and like, maybe even read a book or something productive, but you didn’t do any of those things because you’re a loser. All of your motivation was left in EL, and it’s best that you go looking for it before you even think about walking yourself to Wells in the 10-degree weather. No idea where to start? Here are some places it might be hiding: Underneath Your Futon: You can find almost anything under those bad boys, so clear out those dust bunnies, and maybe even real bunnies if you’re into that kind of thing. You might notice even the tiniest sprinkle of motivation tucked away underneath all of those beer cans and condom wrappers, likely misplaced when you opted to have questionable Tinder sex instead of working on your thesis. The MSU Library: If you walk into this place, you can smell the leftovers of stolen motivation swiped from the souls of innocent students just trying to study for their finals. It’s probably easiest to find yours in the puddle of vomit or tears on the floor in the exact spot where you left it. Best to go looking for it sooner rather than later. Your Pants: This suggestion might be a bit tricky, considering you probably removed your pants after bubbling in the last answer on your very last final. So first, locate your pants. Next, check the pockets. It’s possible you tucked it in there behind that ISP exam you failed. If it’s not in your front or back pockets, unzip your pants and channel that heightened sex drive into the will to live, or maybe even the will to go to class.

Ghostbusters: Campus is full of spooky stories, like the WWII ghost that lives in the Beaumont Tower or the mysterious satanic “red room” in Mayo Hall. Michigan State is the perfect place to film a movie focused on ghosts; even if you can’t find an actual ghost, you can always find students that look like ghosts in a MTH 110 lecture. Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them: Not a lot of info has been released on this pre-Harry Potter wizard movie, but we do know it’ll involve animals. If MSU has one thing, it’s a drinking problem. But also, animals. As one of the best agriculture schools in the nation, we have plenty of cows, horses, and squirrels that can be turned into magical beasts using movie magic. Furious 8: The 8th movie in a franchise that feels like it has about 50 movies, Furious 8 should be vaguely vehicle-related. Rather than hiring expensive stunt drivers, they should consider hiring students from the FarmHouse Frat. Not only do they drag race their damn trucks all the time, they also seem reckless enough to think this is a great idea. MSU has acres and acres of farmland, and it would be the perfect spot to film what is hopefully the last Furious movie. Fifty Shades Darker: The sequel to Fifty Shades of Grey is expected to sell lots of tickets and dampen lots of panties. Rather than having Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan reprise their roles as Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey, it would be much more economical to just hire two MSU students. We do all of the same kinky stuff to put online anyway, and this kind of money could mean the difference between getting the Number One and The Big One at Conrad’s.

Rick’s: If you think you may have left any last morsel of motivation at Rick’s, it’s probably stuck to the floor, and let’s be honest here, you’re never going to get it back. Tough luck, looks like you’re doomed to a life of well drinks and free pizza. Wait, that doesn’t actually sound so bad.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales: These movies are pretty nostalgic for us, and therefore we would make sure the producers do them justice. Obviously the water scenes could be filmed on the Grand River, but the “dead men” part? Totally the students during exam week. Late night “studying” at Rick’s, blue book after blue book, broken shards of pencil…it all leads to feeling like death. They wouldn’t have to look far to cast extras, that’s for sure.

The Bottom of a Brody Salad: This is the last place you’d ever look (who eats salad?), but motivation is great at hide and seek, and it loves to try new things but never finish them. If you can find it in you to get through a whole pile of spinach, carrots, and other weird crunchy things, then you can find your way to your 8 a.m. If you don’t eat the whole salad, treat yo self to a fifth a Fireball. If you can finish that, you can motivate yourself to do just about anything.

Star Wars: Episode VIII: After a mesmerizing beginning to Disney’s regime, Star Wars is back in full force. MSU is the perfect place to host the filming of this legendary movie. After all, both the Cyclotron and Broad Art Museum sort of look like weird spaceships, and the planetarium could provide all of the cool shots of space. The only thing we don’t have readily available is someone as annoying as Jar Jar Binks, but we can always shoot over to Ann Arbor for that.

If you’ve already looked in all of these places, you might be shit outta luck. Sorry, pal. We heard World of Turf is an easy 4.0, so we suggest you enroll right away, ‘cause it looks like you won’t be getting off of your couch unless it’s to answer the door for the Conrad’s delivery dude.

We don’t know about you, but we’re excited to see which of these ideas Hollywood decides to use. When we inevitably get rich from this and pay oﬀ all of our readers’ student loans, you can thank Batman v Superman for starting it all. Holly Simon wrote this

THE TOP TEN

REASONS NOT TO SKIP SYLLABUS WEEK

ON THE STREETS WHAT ARE YOU MOST EXCITED TO REGRET IN 2016? HANNA

“Letting my friend hook up in my bed… again.”

Do you ever wonder what you missed that first week of classes? There’s really no way to find out, and it’ll always haunt you. During your final exam when you don’t know a single question, you’ll wonder: hey, is it possible we learned this during... Syllabus Week? This one goes out to the worrywarts and anxious nerds inside of us all. 10.) TA might oﬀer 4.0s in exchange for handjobs: Oddly enough, no teacher has ever offered us the ol’“Sex for a 4.0” exchange, and we’re a little offended. Lifetime movies led us all to believe college profs are horny bastards, and this is sadly not the case. You should still show up, just in case you miss the glorious day when it finally happens.

ALLY

“Not drinking enough on St. Patrick’s Day.”

9.) To spot student athletes: Regulation Hottie Damion Terry is a media and information major, and Yung Prodigy Matt McQuaid is a marketing major. We recommend an in-depth stalking of your favorite players’ majors before you decide whether or not to come to class. 8.) Each class session costs roughly too damn much: When you do the math, 4 credits costs $2,059 at MSU. That’s one class. A semester has 14 weeks. For one 4-credit class you’re paying $147.07 a week. So when you skip Syllabus Week you’re taking $147.07 and throwing it down the crapper. 7.) Hot, weak, vulnerable freshmen classmates: Syllabus Week forces freshmen to leave their large packs and actually venture out of the dorm alone. They haven’t made friends in class yet, leaving themselves open to new friendships and drunken fumblings on your buddy Tommy’s gross futon. 6.) Pizza party? Maybe: Why the fuck did pizza parties stop being a thing after high school? We still love pizza. We’re never going to STOP liking pizza. Take note profs, we’re down to clown and actually show up to class if you provide pizza. 5.) Strangely cool prof: M.L.K.’s lesser-known twin brother, D.T.F. had a dream that an MSU professor would one day hold a class that was only one week long. We’re all waiting on that one perfect prof whose life is falling apart, who’s a low-functioning alcoholic, and who doesn’t give a shit about class. Is this dream possible? Better show up to Syllabus Week just in case. 4.) Make HW connections: Give a man a fish, and he’ll eat for a day. Make class notes connections during Syllabus Week, and you won’t have to show up the rest of the semester. 3.) Establish your title as The Hot Classmate: How are people going to write MSU Crushes about you if you don’t even show up? Get with the program, bitch. 2.) To find out that you don’t need the textbook: Sorry Collegeville, you’re not getting your grubby mitts on OUR Christmas money from Gramma. 1.) Will a classmate have a seeing eye dog? It’s possible: Can you imagine scoring a class with a seeing eye dog? You could gaze at the dog all day long and the owner wouldn’t even know how big of a puppy fiend you’re being because he’s blind! Hallelujah! If you show up on Week 2 and realize you missed a whole week of staring at a puppy, you’re going to kick yourself. Kattie wrote this

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“Maxing out my credit card at the first Rama of the semester.”

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MONDAY

SPARTAN TALK: FROM THE BEST TO BE THE BEST (everything you’ve always wanted know...)

REASONABLE NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS FOR SPARTANS

THE WEEKLY WOODY

That Wyoming Kid wrote this

New year, new you…right? Wrong. Sorry buddy, but chances are you’re the same sad sack of failed classes and anxiety that you were last year. Luckily, your devoted friends at The Black Sheep are here to change all that with a trusty list of New Year’s resolutions that will actually change your life. Squash those half-assed promises you made to hit the gym or find inner peace, and set the tone of the new year Spartan style by picking any and all of the foolproof resolutions below. Resolution One: Find out the Secret Identity of Sparty Let’s be real, the resolution you made to never skip a single class (especially your 8 a.m.) is doomed to fail after your first weekend at Rick’s. Instead of spending all that time out of class watching the Food Network and nursing a hangover, invest the many years you spent watching Scooby-Doo in a weed-induced coma to sleuth out the real identity of Sparty. Who is the man behind the foam? Dedicate your 2016 to finding out. Resolution Two: Part the Waters of the Red Cedar If Moses can do it with a stick given to him by talking vegetation, then you can too. God may have failed you in the quest for a perfect GPA, but maybe he was just waiting for you to realize your true destiny of separating the water of the Red Cedar. If you manage this resolution, not only can you open your own bike shop with the metal husks of ditched bikes that line the river’s bottom, but you’ll be the campus hero who single-handedly made students’ commutes (normally lengthened by avoiding the river) much easier. Resolution Three: Making the Six This resolution, at its heart, has to do with sex. Making the Six is the act of having sex with a hottie from every single one of the neighborhoods on campus: East, River Trail, South, North, West Circle, and Brody (if you immediately got that this was a Game of Thrones reference, sorry nerd, but you won’t be sexing anytime soon). To complete making the six, you must be successful before the end of the academic school year. And no, using your hand in the different neighborhood’s bathrooms DOES NOT COUNT. Happy humping! Resolution Four: Actually Make Your Parents Proud The hardest resolution to achieve from this list, this goal won’t come without hard work, diligent focus, and tons of carefully executed blackmail. Don’t forget the perks, though! A shit-ton of crying in bed at night and losing all of your friends to the study grind! All you have to do is… who the hell are we kidding? It won’t happen. Your parents will never accept your choice of pursuing a fine arts degree. It only takes one look into your father’s eyes as he’s forced to admit that the trust fund he set up for you as a baby was all for nothing, and that you’ve forever shamed the family. Fret not, reader! While you’ve failed miserably at all your New Year’s resolutions in the past, this is the year that you admit that you’ll never make it to the gym unless “gym” is a code word for PT’s. This January, set goals that you’ll actually try to accomplish, and then be proud of. Sure, nobody’s ever managed to eat a burrito from every Mexican place in East Lansing all in one day… but what’s stopping you?

This Week’s Question: Over winter break I found out I’m pregnant, and I don’t want my friends or family to find out. Help! Sincerely, I Also Don’t Know Who The Baby Daddy Is Dear Carrying A Mistake, You’re human, I’m human, and we all make mistakes, some more shameful than others. In this case, you’re leaning towards the more shameful end of the mistake spectrum. While some may argue that consciously letting some stranger bust a load in you and blaming it on one too many holiday drinks is not a mistake, I beg to differ. Adults have sex, and sometimes we cum in each other; sometimes on purpose, mostly on accident. The reality is that nobody in college actually wants a baby. Even those who say they do, don’t. Babies smell bad and rob you of your own selfishness, forcing you to think about somebody other than yourself. I can’t think of anything worse than that. So now we get to the solution part of your problem. The truth is, your friends and family are going to find out eventually. You may be able to hide your swollen spawn belly for a while, but eventually, a thing is going to pop out your pussy. Maybe it’ll happen while you’re taking a dump, and it’ll fall head first into the toilet. It could possibly in the middle of taking an exam. No one knows where or when, but it’ll happen, so you best be ready to explain. Now, I’m assuming you already ruled out aborting the mission, otherwise you wouldn’t be asking me how to break the news to your fam, so our goal here is to make you look like less of a reckless drunk jezebel, and more like the bearer of the next prophet. You’re going to tell your friends and family that you are pregnant with Jesus 2.0. If millions of people believed someone could get knocked up without any stick-and-poke action thousands of years ago, you’ll be able to convince them that it’s capable of happening again. To complete the first step of convincing the people around you that you have a new baby Jesus in you, you’ll have to rewrite The Bible. Open up a Word document, and start making some shit up about the Virgin Mary having everlasting life and coming back sometime unknown in the millennial years to bring about a new, edgier version of Jesus. A Jesus that likes to drink Everclear and gets stoned with the gays instead of sipping wine and stoning the gays. Your baby will be cool guy Jesus, the savior that this world needs now more than ever. The second step is getting Donald Trump to back your story and spread it out into the world and onto his cult following. The easiest way to do this is by stealing a couple of grand from your parents and contributing it to his campaign. With Trump’s attention, the whole world will be backing you and Jesus 2.0 up in no time, and your friends and family will burn in the depths of hell if they deny the written word of The Lord. As for figuring out the baby daddy, it’s God, and that’s all you need to put down on your birth certificate. May the power of baby Jesus 2.0 compel you? Remember folks; a balanced diet is a dick in both hands. -Halie “The Good” Woody Want more Woody in your life? Follow me on Twitter or Instagram. Twitter: @MakeYouWoody Instagram: @makeyouwoodyagain

BARTENDER OF THE MONTH

BRIAN FROM P.T. O’MALLEY’S

Relationship Status: Taken Major: None Favorite Drink: Double Captain and Coke Favorite Shot: Just Peachy Disgusting Drink: Duck Fart (Crown, Irish Cream, and Kahlua) Beer is to what as Coke is to Pepsi?: Cider. Hard Cider. Which liquor do you want to lactate?: Goldschlager, obviously. I’ve thought about this before. What will be the most notable moment in East Lansing in 2016?: A 2016 undefeated Spartan football team! What’s the dumbest thing

you did in 2015?: Drunkenly called out bingo numbers at last call here at PT’s. Which hat best personifies your dad?: The one I’m fuckin’ wearing, I guess. Who heads up the 2016 celebrity death pool?: Jared of Subway! He’s not in for a great 15 ½ years if he’s alive. What are you most excited to regret in 2016? Failing my New Year’s resolution. Probably pretty quickly, too. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because it’s awesome. That goes without saying.

THE DRINKING GAME

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

PTERODACTYL

HEDGE WITH VEG

This simple, fun game can be played anywhere, anytime. Well, anytime you feel like being the most absurd people at the bar/party/funeral.

Last semester you had to convince yourself that it was only the freshman 15, not the senior 60. Well, the holidays didn’t help one bit. Whether it was Aunt Kathy’s gingersnaps or your drunk uncle’s hit of Fireball, the break turned you into a calorie vacuum. But, you’re heading into 2016 with a healthy mindset—and it starts with going vegetarian. Kind of.

What You’ll Need: Beer and people. Number of Players: More than one. Seriously — we can’t stress this enough — if you play this game alone, people will think you are an insane person. Level of Intoxication: Indominusrex, more like Indrunkinessrex! We’ll see ourselves out. How to Play: - Situate yourselves in a circle. Say, around a table at your favorite bar. - Throughout the game everyone must keep from showing their teeth. So cover your teeth with your lips, like you’re impersonating grandma (RIP). - The game begins when a volunteer lifts his arms into little wings, turns to the person on his left, and says “PTERODACTYL” (without showing his teeth). - The next person then either continues the flowby lifting little wings and telling the person to her left “PTERODACTYL!” OR reverses the flow of the game by turning back to previous person, spreading her wings and making a pterodactyl noise (KKAAAWWWHHH!!!!). - The next person can either reverse (KAW!) again, or continue on with a “PTERODACTYL!” You’re trying to get them to crack, so the weirder the better. - Repeat the above until someone breaks and shows their teeth, at which point either everyone drinks, or just the people who break drink, depending on if your friends are f*cking sticklers. The Game Ends When: You get kicked out of the bar, or you decide to call it quits after realizing primal dinosaur screams have been the only way you’ve communicated for the last two hours.

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What You’ll Need: White bread Peanut butter Bread and butter pickles Fatty Factor: You’ll be squeezing into your slightly-less-fat jeans by May. Cook Time: Depends on how much of your supply your roommate—DAMMIT TED!-- scarfed over break. It might be time for a trip to the store. Let’s Get Baked: -Grab a few slices of bread. At 100 calories a pop, you’re looking good. -Spread however much peanut butter you want on one slice of white bread. Remember, each tablespoon has 95 calories so…10 tablespoons? -Place pickles on top of the peanut butter. They have like, no calories. Hey! Maybe you should just eat pickles. -Place the other piece of bread on top. -Enjoy your 1200 calories of weight-loss heaven. Hey, if this salty-and-sweet combo ain’t your jam, you’re in luck! It’s scientifically proven that not eating is a great way to lose weight. If you think about it, 2016 is already oﬀ to a roaring start.

NOMNOMNOM AT THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

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OLD AND NEW STAR WARS CHARACTERS Across 4. Enjoy doing crosswords he thinks you do 11. Self proclaimed “best fricken pilot in the galaxy.” 13. BAMF Jedi played by Sammy L Jackson 14. He’s an ex-storm trooper with a heart of gold 15. A new bad guy with a dope lightsaber 16. Head singer of the Modal Nodes Down 1. Says “I know” to “I love you” like a total bro 2. Probably a racist misstep in hindsight 3. 1000 year old lady pirate with big goggles 5. IT’S A TRAP 6. Commander of the Starkiller 7. Kissed her brother once 8. Baron Administrator of Cloud City 9. The force’s hot new hope 10. Wears a reflective Storm Trooper suit 11. Anakin gets all boned up for this Queen 12. Phenom with a high midi-chlorian count