Brought to you by
Volume 28
The Black Sheep
FR EE res ! Lik idu e li e f ckin rom g UG Add L d era esk ll s!
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
Issue 16
AN OBITUARY FOR THE CLASS OF 2016 KT wrote this
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to say our goodbyes to the University of Illinois at UrbanaChampaign—Class of 2016. The senior class graduated from UIUC on May 14, 2016 at approximately 9:30 a.m. The cause of graduation is unknown, as many students were passed out at KAM’s for the entire year. The seniors were born sometime in 1993 or 1994, and experienced tremendous milestones and changes in technology throughout their academic lives. They were in 6th grade when the first version of the iPhone debuted and MacBook carts in class were the most advanced their lessons got. Many seniors enjoyed regaling current 6th graders with this tale, and they even got them to look up from their iPads every so often in shock when they learned GoogleDocs weren’t even invented yet. The seniors progressed further in their education and after graduating from high school in 2012 they made the fateful decision to attend the University of Illinois, which brings us here today. Although the seniors have experienced technological advances that fundamentally changed the way society functions, the changes they’ve experienced at the U of I are even more astounding. One of the biggest changes the Class of 2016 can attest to is the rollercoaster that is UIUC athletics. Many seniors fondly remember the Fighting Illini competing in the 2013 March Madness tournament and not qualifying for it ever again. The men’s basketball program has gone downhill since, however the seniors have been seen to have a glimmer in their eye as they reminisce over the more successful times. The Class of 2016 has also seen the impact of corporate sponsorship and the positive effects of capitalism during their time at UIUC. Many refuse to refer to Assembly Hall as the State Farm Center, a hallmark trait in deciphering between upper and underclassmen. Outside of athletics, UIUC seniors have experienced major changes with the very basic functions of the university itself. When they began at the U of I, the Six Pack actually consisted of 6 dorms without the frills spoiled underclassmen have now, such as Wi-Fi and air conditioning. Many freshmen have reminisced over the countless times seniors went off on them for complaining about their dorms, regaling them with tales of “falling out of my bed when my Ethernet cable fell out of my laptop” and “my box fan falling on my foot.” Perhaps the most tumultuous changes the U of I seniors have experienced are the changes in upper administration. The Class of 2016 will never forget the football coach they knew who didn’t love abusing players, or the countless scandals professors and athletic faculty were involved in.
The seniors will also never forget the fall of Chancellor Phyllis Wise, and the fateful snowy day in January 2014 where they were denied a snow day will live on in infamy. #FuckPhyllis forever. Seniors, we thank you for your contributions to the University of Illinois and making it the place that it is. You will be missed, but never forgotten. In lieu of flowers, the graduating class is asking for donations to their student loan payment funds. Checks can be made out to “Help me, I’m poor.” In loving memory of the UIUC Class of 2016, we hope you’re doing better “up there,” and by “up there,” we mean Chicago. Never forget the special place such a wonderful town in central Illinois has in your heart.
PAGE 09
PAGE 09
PAGE 20-21
HOW TO KEEP YOUR ILLINI HOOKUP OVER SUMMER
TOP 10: PLACES TO CURL UP AND CRY DURING FINALS
THE GAME OF LIFE... AFTER COLLEGE
IT ISN'T STALKING IF YOU'RE IN A DIFFERENT AREA CODE, RIGHT?
FOLLOW US @BLACKSHEEP_UIUC
THE MIDDLE OF THE QUAD IS ALWAYS A NICE CHOICE...
MAY 11TH 2016 - JUNE 7TH 2016
SIT BACK AND PLAY THE GAME THAT WILL DETERMINE YOUR FUTURE!
THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM