Illinois issue16 spring final by The Black Sheep

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Volume 28

The Black Sheep

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The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

Issue 16

AN OBITUARY FOR THE CLASS OF 2016 KT wrote this

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to say our goodbyes to the University of Illinois at UrbanaChampaign—Class of 2016. The senior class graduated from UIUC on May 14, 2016 at approximately 9:30 a.m. The cause of graduation is unknown, as many students were passed out at KAM’s for the entire year. The seniors were born sometime in 1993 or 1994, and experienced tremendous milestones and changes in technology throughout their academic lives. They were in 6th grade when the first version of the iPhone debuted and MacBook carts in class were the most advanced their lessons got. Many seniors enjoyed regaling current 6th graders with this tale, and they even got them to look up from their iPads every so often in shock when they learned GoogleDocs weren’t even invented yet. The seniors progressed further in their education and after graduating from high school in 2012 they made the fateful decision to attend the University of Illinois, which brings us here today. Although the seniors have experienced technological advances that fundamentally changed the way society functions, the changes they’ve experienced at the U of I are even more astounding. One of the biggest changes the Class of 2016 can attest to is the rollercoaster that is UIUC athletics. Many seniors fondly remember the Fighting Illini competing in the 2013 March Madness tournament and not qualifying for it ever again. The men’s basketball program has gone downhill since, however the seniors have been seen to have a glimmer in their eye as they reminisce over the more successful times. The Class of 2016 has also seen the impact of corporate sponsorship and the positive eﬀects of capitalism during their time at UIUC. Many refuse to refer to Assembly Hall as the State Farm Center, a hallmark trait in deciphering between upper and underclassmen. Outside of athletics, UIUC seniors have experienced major changes with the very basic functions of the university itself. When they began at the U of I, the Six Pack actually consisted of 6 dorms without the frills spoiled underclassmen have now, such as Wi-Fi and air conditioning. Many freshmen have reminisced over the countless times seniors went oﬀ on them for complaining about their dorms, regaling them with tales of “falling out of my bed when my Ethernet cable fell out of my laptop” and “my box fan falling on my foot.” Perhaps the most tumultuous changes the U of I seniors have experienced are the changes in upper administration. The Class of 2016 will never forget the football coach they knew who didn’t love abusing players, or the countless scandals professors and athletic faculty were involved in.

The seniors will also never forget the fall of Chancellor Phyllis Wise, and the fateful snowy day in January 2014 where they were denied a snow day will live on in infamy. #FuckPhyllis forever. Seniors, we thank you for your contributions to the University of Illinois and making it the place that it is. You will be missed, but never forgotten. In lieu of flowers, the graduating class is asking for donations to their student loan payment funds. Checks can be made out to “Help me, I’m poor.” In loving memory of the UIUC Class of 2016, we hope you’re doing better “up there,” and by “up there,” we mean Chicago. Never forget the special place such a wonderful town in central Illinois has in your heart.

PAGE 09

PAGE 20-21

HOW TO KEEP YOUR ILLINI HOOKUP OVER SUMMER

TOP 10: PLACES TO CURL UP AND CRY DURING FINALS

THE GAME OF LIFE... AFTER COLLEGE

IT ISN'T STALKING IF YOU'RE IN A DIFFERENT AREA CODE, RIGHT?

THE MIDDLE OF THE QUAD IS ALWAYS A NICE CHOICE...

MAY 11TH 2016 - JUNE 7TH 2016

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PAGE 4

THE BLACK SHEEP’S LEGENDARY

WORD OF THE WEEK

TO KILL SOME TIME.

COOKING TECHNIQUE OR TORTURE METHOD?

One ends with a delicious dead animal, the other, often, with a less delicious dead person. Can you tell them apart? Send your guess to torture@theblacksheeponline.com, if you’re right, we’ll let you live, and maybe send you some stuff.

TESTESMOANIAL The sounds of pleasure one hears during a good ole’ fashioned sexin’.

ENPAPILLOTE

Chad’s roommates could hear Tabitha’s testesmoanial from the top bunk in their dorm.

WHOSE AUTOGRAPH IS THIS? You may think your handwriting is hot garbage, but compared to some of these fairly famous fools, you’re practically a calligraphist. Think you know who jotted down this junk? Let us know at autographs@theblacksheeponline.com and we’ll sign something and send it to you.

THE BLACK SHEEP LETTER Dear KT, Why are you responding this week? What happened to Diego? I saw him post on a million Facebook groups last week so there’s nothing wrong with him, right? I’m a freshman and I can’t believe my first year at U of I is almost over. You’re a senior; do you have any advice for how to make the most of college? I know it’ll be over before I know it. Write back before it’s too late, Freshy Fred Dear Freshmeat, Thanks for writing in! Don’t worry, Diego is just fine. I can assure you he’s going to be spamming your Facebook Newsfeed again in the near future. I’m responding this week because I’m graduating and I want to leave my legacy somehow. I’ll leave it all over campus—literally. You’ll see pages of this issue of The Black Sheep strewn everywhere. Thanks for being such a loyal reader of street garbage.

TO THE

EDITOR

In terms of making the most of college, my biggest piece of advice is to keep an open mind and try not to say “no” to things. Your friends want to go to a drag show on a Sunday night? Say yes. Your roommate wants to have an allday binge fest of GoT instead of studying for chem? Say yes. Bae wants to take you to a restaurant you’ve passed by a million times but you don’t think it looks good? Say yes. You’ll never remember the nights you stayed in twiddling your thumbs, and coming from a senior I’m so grateful I took chances and tried new things in college. Believe it or not, waking up drunk the next morning for work is frowned upon in the real world. Work hard in school, but don’t forget to play hard. Your freshman year went by fast, but the rest is a blur, too. Enjoy it while you can, because college years are definitely some of the best of your life. Cheers to the Class of 2016, KT

PLAY ALONG! @BLACKSHEEP_UIUC

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PHILANTHROPY EVENT TO IMMEDIATELY FOLLOW GRADUATION CEREMONY TO BENEFIT UNEMPLOYED GRADUATES

Sad Dad wrote this

Champaign, IL — Final exams are almost finished, and seniors are preparing for the spring commencement ceremony this Saturday, May 14th. This weekend’s convocation will honor all UIUC students who've completed their expensive and tumultuous journey through college. In the afternoon, after the graduates have been awarded their hollow, meaningless diplomas, various student organizations and cultural centers on campus will be putting on a big charity event, a massive dinner with all proceeds going to feed the new unemployed graduates, who will be immediately haunted by their crippling debt soon after the weekend is through.

hour—I mean, six days. I know you got money, motherfucker.”

The feast will be catered by local small businesses that aren’t hiring, unfortunately, for many graduates. This banquet will serve to symbolize the former students’ lack of real, tangible accomplishment eating away at them until life tosses them in the trash like the food scraps which are to represent them. Friends and family are encouraged to attend.

The parents aren’t the only ones excited about the ceremony — the graduating seniors are understandably emotional going out into the real world, where they’ll soon come to know the sharp sting of personal failure. “You’ve got to look at the bright side,” is the optimistic message coming from graduating senior and soon-to-be-hermit Sebastian Alvis.

At the campus-wide commencement, the University of Illinois graduates will have the honor of being welcomed into the cruel world of unemployment by Champaign’s very own scammer, and May 2016 commencement speaker, Richard B. Turner. This purportedly homeless man’s claim to local fame may be his prodigious belly and woolly, white beard, but the secrets to his success as a scammer will hopefully prove to be golden nuggets of wisdom for the majority of his audience, who will soon be in the same position. About his upcoming speech, Mr. Turner had little to say, leaving us with this statement: “Rrhuh, wha-? Huh? I got seven kids at home, man. I need money to feed my kids. Please. I ain’t ate in six

“There’ve been a lot of good times here on campus, and I’ll never forget all the memories I’ve made. But, looking ahead, I don’t wanna miss out on the potential letdowns I might otherwise miss out on. There’s a lot of ineptitude in me, and I don’t want to let it go to waste.”

Twitter @BLACKSHEEP_UIUC

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The parents of these rising graduates had a lot to say about the momentous milestone their children, soon to be settled into their basement, had reached. “It’s been just amazing to watch our little Scotty grow,” said one mom, beaming with pride at her son’s empty achievement. “I remember when he was a kindergartener, barely supporting himself on those two little legs. Now he’s an ambitious young man, barely supporting himself financially. He’s still got the same dimples and that cute little tush!”

While finals are still in progress on campus, there’s a growing buzz of excitement from those finished with exams, especially those set to walk the stage on Saturday. This buzz will have surely turned into a palpable air of impending despair by the end of the week, just in time for the graduation festivities.

READ MORE ONLINE THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

“Graduation Discriminates Against Undergrads,” Says Student Group

Men’s Basketball Seeks Trouble-Free Summer By Staring at Blank Wall

DTM108 wrote this

Following years of job discrimination, the UIUC undergraduate student group “Allegiant Nondiscriminatory Undergraduate Students 1867” or ANUS 1867, has decided that the time has come to do away with “graduation.” This is all thanks to the graduation ceremony’s declaration that those that have graduated are more deserving of increased financial reward. “Since U of I started in 1867, undergrads have been discriminated against by those who believe that a piece of paper that says ‘we got through this shit’ is more important than me as a human being with important thoughts and feelings,” junior Derek Swartz said, shouting into a microphone at a throng of freshman students as they shuﬄed out of Foellinger.“ The employers feed us these lies saying we’re ‘in experienced,’ or ‘specifically looking to hire seniors who are graduating,’ but I don’t buy it!”

DTM108 wrote this

After a tumultuous 2015-2016 academic year that featured multiple arrests, the U of I Men’s Basketball team is looking to stay out of trouble this summer by staring at a wall. “Well, to be honest we haven’t decided where the wall is going to be yet,” Coach John Groce was quoted as saying when asked about the wall’s location during a recent press conference. “We just want to put our guys in the best position possible to succeed. If that means forcing them to stare at a blank wall in order to avoid criminal prosecution, then I guess that’s the route we’re going to have to go.”

Elizabeth Newberg, a graduating senior forced to listen to Derek’s speech as she exited her last lecture at Foellinger, was confused over ANUS 1867’s message. “So these kids are mad because they can’t get full-time jobs because they’re too young to do so?" Newberg said. “Don’t they have finals to study for or dorm food to eat?”

Swartz and the other members of ANUS 1867 are sure that these protests are a good way to spend their time at the end of the day.

Four Illini players have been arrested this past year for everything from public intoxication to wielding a knife at a local nightclub.

“We believe our protesting is worth our time and energy instead of taking the time out to go to free career fairs and looking to get internships ourselves,” Swartz said. “This is a cause worth applying for.”

“This is what we’ve got to do to get better,” said Kendrick Nunn on campus this past week. “I’ve made mistakes this year. Jaylon’s [Tate] made mistakes this year. Leron’s [Black] made mistakes this year. We accept that. Now our priority is to find a blank wall, featuring nothing which may agitate or antagonize us, and sit down in front of it for about 90 days until we feel better.”

Coach Groce is adamant that the players’ commitment to the wall will not only keep them out of trouble, but will provide positive inspiration. Groce said at the press conference, “When you’re sitting in front of a wall for an extended period of time, what do you think you’re going to be thinking about? A way around that wall. And that’s exactly what this team needs. That or a good ol' fashioned ass-kicking.”

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MAINTAINING YOUR ILLINI HOOKUP OVER THE SUMMER: A GUIDE

THE TOP TEN PLACES OR SITUATIONS TO CRAWL INTO THE FETAL POSITION AND CRY DURING FINALS

C Milli wrote this

Ah, summer. The time of the year when everything is perfect. You’re home in Naperville for the summer, finally being waited on again by your butler and your childhood nanny. But what about the sex? You’re leaving your U of I hookup for three months. If that sex game is on point, it makes shit even harder. NOT harder, if you catch our drift. Here’s a few tips on how to cling onto your slam over the summer—you know, how to keep ‘em good and interested.

Drunk Text/Call Them at 3 a.m. Most Mornings: The main way to keep someone interested in you is to give them a phone call or a strongly-worded text. Drunk texting usually leaves you hating yourself in the morning, so throw a few back and then give ‘em a call instead. Bonus points if you leave them a 6-minute-long voicemail of you blubbering on about how you miss “that bomb pussy.” Snapchat Them Every Day: That little flame emoji next to someone’s name stands for your fire sex and should remind your hookup of the great past you two shared. To maintain this flame, make sure you snap them everything you’re doing all day, every day. It’s a foolproof way to remind them of that bomb hookup after Lion. Post a lot of Pictures with Your Brother and Dad So That He Thinks You’re Seeing Other People: Ah, jealousy. The classic way to keep a person interested in you. The great part about this tip is, you’ll be living at home anyway, might as well use your family members to your advantage. Whenever you’re out to dinner or on a family vacation, just take a few hundred pics with the guys in your family. Ha, he probably got jealous after Dads Weekend, too. He’ll immediately get jealous and call you. Don’t pick up though, remember: play hard to get. Guys love that. Send Multiple Pairs of Your Underwear in the Mail: Either send an avalanche of panties all at once, or sent one thong a day in a sealed envelope. Make sure you don’t put your return address on the envelope—he should be able to remember you by your scent. And if he doesn’t, is he really worth the eﬀort? Send a Fruit Basket: Make sure the fruit basket is adorned with strictly sexual fruit. For example: phallic fruits like bananas scream sex, and so does pineapple. You should have kept all the bananas you stole from the IKE to do this. So make it yourself at home and find some way to mail it. Or better yet, if you two live close to each other, drive it to her house and wait on the front porch until someone makes you leave. Text His Friends and Ask If They “Behaved Themselves at Lollapalooza”: Lollapalooza is like a fantasy world full of designer hallucinogens and scantily clad 18-year-old girls. It’s the perfect concoction for sex, so if your hookup is in attendance, you can be sure there will be a lot of temptation there. Saddle up and follow him to the 4-day long festival and watch him through binoculars, or just ask his friends to update you on how he is acting. He’ll love how much you care about his well-being. Remember Illini, summers go by quick and you’ll be back in your twin size bed with your hookup sooner or later, however we hope these tips help you two stay hot and heavy.

It’s that time of year when all the hard work you’ve done the rest of the semester is on the line for 3 hours at 8 a.m. on a Friday. Here are the 10 best places on campus for you to curl into the fetal position and wallow in self pity. 10.) Your Dorm Room: If your roommates happen to walk in on you during your usual lamentation process, they will soon understand your position and slowly close the door, leaving you once again alone with your thoughts. 9.) Bottom Floor of The UGL: The lowest floor of the UGL is a perfect place for crying in terms of audience and acoustics. Chances are that you won’t be the first person needing to be escorted out, as anyone who needs perfect peace and quiet so badly that they are willing to walk down two stories into the Earth must be freaking out about finals, too. 8.) Study Hours: In a last-ditch attempt to learn all of the content you were zoning out for during the lectures, you chose to attend your class’s study hours with hopes of a smaller, more classroom-like environment. Unfortunately, this only brought the inevitable impending doom onto you sooner than if you had studied on your own. Now your professor gets to see how much you really care about your grades. 7.) While Going Out on Reading Day Eve: The last campus holiday of the year takes place this Wednesday night as students take their last opportunity to drink and not think about trying to salvage what’s left of their GPA. If you find yourself crying while you’re out, find the closest person next to you at KAM’s and make him spoon you on the floor until you feel better. 6.) While Writing An Article For The Black Sheep: Not only could the time spent writing this article have been used to prepare for an upcoming final, but the false sense of joy that comes from reading our own jokes is little more than a thinly veiled façade covering our scholarly failures and is sure to crumble at any moment. 5.) With Your Partners While Working On Your Final Group Project: Most students at the U of I would consider themselves to be the only member of the group project that does any work, but in reality everyone has a little slacker in them. It’s inevitable that each member of the group will have a moment in which they realize trying to effectively communicate their opinions to the others is a hopeless effort, and will react accordingly. 4.) The Bus On Your Way To Your Final: These sudden emotional outbursts are also a great way to increase your personal space on otherwise very crowded buses, as people don’t seem to want to be pressed up against someone who is loudly and vigorously weeping. 3.) The Quad: The grass provides soft bedding for your tantrum, and the fresh air allows for every breath to provide the ample oxygen needed for vocal misery. Some organizations even provide pillows and tissues throughout the week as tools for a more comfortable and refreshing crying experience. 2.) The Shower: What could be a refreshing cleanse of each day’s activities can turn into violent weeping as every alternate plan of action you come up with to a successful semester leads to the same outcome of taking a final about which you know nothing. Fortunately, the sound of the shower helps to drown out your intense wailing, and it will be harder see tear streaks after you dry off. 1.) In The Middle of Your Final: No kind of studying or preparation can brace you for the caliber of understanding of a topic required to know which of the four multiple choice answers is best. Every hopeless circle filled in on your Scantron only pushes you toward your breaking point until you finally pull your legs into your chest and accept your fate.

Attila The Pun wrote this

Hannah Harlan wrote this

TO MY BIG WHEN SHE LEAVES ME FOR THE SUMMER Dear Biggie, I can’t believe you’re doing this to me. I literally just met you a month ago and you’re already abandoning me to deal with summer drinking and drugs and boys and problems all by myself! Like, I find it really hard to believe that my lifelong best friend and sister would do that to me. I’m totally disappointed that you haven’t dropped everything to come live with me for the next 3 months. Who is going to hold my hair when I have to throw up outside of the bar that you got me in to because you know the bouncer? Wait, who’s even going to get me into bars? I can’t believe this! You’re my big sister, you’re supposed to be there for me to like, buy me alcohol and stuff and let me flirt with your hot guy friends. None of my guy friends are hot, especially the ones from home! I really think you should revisit the whole big/little relationship idea because this is totally not what it’s supposed to be like. Stacey is going all the way to Alaska for the summer to go stay with her little. Look at that dedication. Like, she’s leaving the country so she can be there for Shannon. She’s, like, getting a passport for it or whatever, and you can’t even be bothered to drive like two hours to Pennsylvania for me? I promise there’s a lot to do. We could, like, get drunk and tip cows and stuff and then I could take you to a party to prove to my high school friends that I’m cool now and that I joined a sorority and that I have a big who will do anything for me. You know how I used to have braces and acne and that I weighed, like, 80 more pounds before you made me stop eating bread and got me to start snorting Adderall (which is fire, by the way). So now when I go home and everyone’s like “OMG how’d you get so hot?” I’m not gonna have proof that it was you if you don’t show up in person! Everyone will just think I got liposuction or something gross! Also, I won’t be able to post a decent Snapchat story until we come back to school in the fall, because you’re in all of the best ones! I’ll have no reason to get drunk at 1 in the afternoon and show it off to all of the contacts in my phone, and everyone’s going to think that I’m spending my summer, like, working or something instead of having fun. Like, I might end up babysitting and having to Snapchat gross slobbery 4-year-olds who drool all over my Lilly Pulitzer sandals every day instead. Do you realize what kind of damage you’re doing to my wardrobe AND my reputation by abandoning me like this? I’m definitely going to be a better big when I have my little. I’ll definitely go home with her for the summer, no matter how far away she lives because I actually care about other people’s feelings and lives and stuff. Unless she lives in New Jersey, that place sucks. Love and Kisses, -Little

SNAP US! (not your junk)

BlackSheep_UIUC OMG! SPECIALS! SPECIAL NIGHT

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Graduation Weekend! Open at 9am Serving Breakfast Items til Noon! Happy Hour 9am-Noon $2 Mimosas!

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25¢ Wings 8pm ‘til they’re gone $1.50 Miller High Life bottles $2 Wells, $3 Captian $4 Flavored 32oz Long Islands (8 choices)

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Doubleheader Cubs vs Padres Noon Cubs vs Padres 7pm Half Price Buffalo Chick 4-10pm

THURSDAY 5/12

LIVE DJ! $1 Wells $2.50 Fireball Shots $3 Bud Light Tall Boys $5 32oz L.I.T.’s

TROUBLE CHASIN’ ALBUM RELEASE FT CHASE BABY AND TRUTH AKA TROUBLE WITH THE CO-PILOTS AND CASS KAY

Throwback Thursday $1 Fireball $2 UV Vodka

GRAD BASH! A Night to Honor our Seniors DJ in the Beer Garden! We are giving away tons of Stuff! Starts at 9pm

The Grateful Dead Experience: The Schwag

Open at 5pm Happy Hour 6-10pm $2 Bud Light Bottles

Graduation Weekend! Beer Garden is Open! Cubs vs Pirates 1:20pm

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Graduation Weekend! Open at 9am Serving Breakfast Items til Noon! Happy Hour 9am-Noon $2 Mimosas!

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FRIDAY 5/13 SATURDAY 5/14

$2 Wells, $3 Domestic Bottles $3 3 Olives Specialty Drinks

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Closed

MONDAY 5/16

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TUESDAY 5/17

Trivia Night! $1 Wells, $2 Call Liquors $2 Domestic Drafts $3 Craft/Import Drafts $4 32oz L.I.T.’s

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WEDNESDAY 5/18

25¢ Wings 8pm ‘til they’re gone $1.50 Miller High Life bottles $2 Wells, $3 Captian $4 Flavored 32oz Long Islands (8 choices)

COCO BUTTER KIDS, BRISTLE AND BOOKMOBILE

GREEK REUNION WEEKEND 2016 Friday, July 15th Saturday, July 16th www.TheClybourne.com

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WEDNESDAY 5/11

$3 U Call Its

1/2 Priced Drafts, $1.75 Wells and $2 Imports

BUD UP FOR GRAD! $2 Bud Light 16oz Cans $4 Blue Guys

THURSDAY 5/12

Thursday Nights Live $3 U Call Its

Craft Beer Thursdays! 50% Off Bottles from Each Featured Region!

SENIORLAND PARTY! NO COVER FOR SENIORS $3 16oz Bottle Cans $4 Blue Guys

Congrats Seniors!

$10 Large Cheese Pizzas after 10pm

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BIG Friday BIG Beers, BIG Drinks NO COVER CHARGE Plus, 4:00 O’Clock Club

Congrats Seniors!

$10 Large Cheese Pizzas after 10pm

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Solo Cup Saturday NO COVER

SUNDAY 5/15

Congrats Seniors!

$2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

KAM'S GRADUATION PINTS ARE HERE! $3 Coors Lt./Miller Lt. Drafts Open at 11AM!

SundayFunday All Drafts $3

MONDAY 5/16

MNJ $3 U Call Its

$1.50 High Life Drafts! $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

$1 Wells

BEER LOVER’S NIGHT $2.50 All Domestic Beers $3.50 All Imports and Specialty Beers

TUESDAY 5/17

$3 U Call Its

1/2 Price Tuesdays! 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza All Day!

$2 U Call It “ANYTHING IN THE HOUSE”

$2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Light, Hamm’s $3.50 All other drafts

WEDNESDAY 5/18

$3 U Call Its

1/2 Priced Drafts, $1.75 Wells and $2 Imports

$2 U Call It “ANYTHING IN THE HOUSE”

All 45 Bottles on sale 9 New ﬂavors to choose NO COVER CHARGE

FRIDAY 5/13 SATURDAY 5/14

Throwback Thursday

Throwback music, throwback prices!

$2 Well Drinks $2 Domestic Beers

All 45 Bottles on sale 9 New ﬂavors to choose NO COVER CHARGE Throwback Thursday

Throwback music, throwback prices!

$2 Well Drinks $2 Domestic Beers

IlliniStudentHousing.com OMG! SPECIALS! Get Mooned Monday $2.50 Blue Moon $4 Jumbo Long Islands

GREEK REUNION WEEKEND 2016 Friday, July 15th Saturday, July 16th www.RedLionChampaign.com

Late Night Meal Everyday After 12! 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza

CONGRATS SENIORS! NO COVER ALL WEEKEND!

SPECIAL NIGHT

LOGO GLASS DAY $1.50 Wells and 1/2 Off Apps from 5-7 PM

GREEK REUNION WEEKEND 2016 Friday, July 15th Saturday, July 16th www.RedLionChampaign.com

$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza

Karaoke at 10PM! 50 cent Wings $1 Chicken Fingers $7.50 Rum and Cola Pitchers $2 Cannonballs!

WEDNESDAY 5/11

Ladies Night! $2 Premium Pints $5 Doubles Tito's, Jameson & Bacardi

$2 UV Vodka $2 Bud Lights $2 Hot Stuff Shots $2 Ice Hole Shots

$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza

$6 Pitches Whiskey Cola or High Life $1 Shots $2 Fireball, Vegas Bombs Â½ price Buffalo Chicken Wraps

THURSDAY 5/12

NO COVER $3 Blue Moon & Stella $8 Domestic Pitchers

Open at 5pm Happy Hour 6-10pm $1 Fatty Natty Bottles $1 Four Loko Shots

$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza

CONGRATS SENIORS! NO COVER ALL WEEKEND!

FRIDAY 5/13

1/2 Off Apps and $3 Jumbo Long Islands from 5-7 PM $10.50 Goose Island and Sam Adams Pitchers

GRAD PARTY! Come Celebrate at Lion! Beer Garden is Open!

$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza

CONGRATS SENIORS! NO COVER ALL WEEKEND!

SATURDAY 5/14

TRIVIA NIGHT $2 Premium Pints $2.50 Premium Bottles $4.50 Irish Car Bombs

GREEK REUNION WEEKEND 2016 Friday, July 15th Saturday, July 16th www.RedLionChampaign.com

$7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza

OPEN 11AM FOR BRUNCH!

SUNDAY 5/15

Get Mooned Monday $2.50 Blue Moon $4 Jumbo Long Islands

GREEK REUNION WEEKEND 2016 Friday, July 15th Saturday, July 16th www.RedLionChampaign.com

$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza

$1 Wells 1/2 Off Burgers & Fries

MONDAY 5/16

Bomb's Away $4.50 Irish Car Bombs, Jager Bombs & Lunchboxes 1/2 Off Apps from 5-7 PM

GREEK REUNION WEEKEND 2016 Friday, July 15th Saturday, July 16th www.RedLionChampaign.com

$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza

$1 Tacos $2 Craft Drafts

TUESDAY 5/17

LOGO GLASS DAY $1.50 Wells and 1/2 Off Apps from 5-7 PM

GREEK REUNION WEEKEND 2016 Friday, July 15th Saturday, July 16th www.RedLionChampaign.com

$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza

Karaoke at 10PM! 50 cent Wings $1 Chicken Fingers $7.50 Rum and Cola Pitchers $2 Cannonballs!

WEDNESDAY 5/18

WE HAVE THE

PERFECT PLACE

FOR YOU! • 1, 2, 3 & 4 BEDROOM APARTMENTS AND TOWNHOMES. • INDIVIDUAL BATHROOMS. • INTERNET, CABLE, WATER, TRASH AND PARKING. • WASHER & DRYER IN EVERY APARTMENT. • TWO SHUTTLES TO U OF I CAMPUS, INCLUDING LATE-NIGHT SERVICE. AND SO MUCH MORE! Text "COLBERT" to 47464 for Specials! (217) 353.6800 | www.villagecp.com

$0 SIG NIN G

SIG NI FEE S NG S ( PE $32 C 5 IN IA SA L: V

ING S)

PARTY PICS

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ON THE STREETS WHAT DO YOU HOPE IS DIFFERENT ABOUT CAMPUS WHEN YOU COME BACK TO CHAMPAIGN IN FALL 2016?: DAN

“An even tastier floor on the basement of KAM's.”

CORBIN

“I could go for a double dose of Brother Jed.” ON THE STREETS YOU WRITE ON THE SIDE OF IT?: CONVERSION VAN, WHAT WOULD IF YOU HAD A CREEPY

“Toys for Spice Thots” “Complementary “Free Pumpkin Oral Exams” Lattes”

DEEPAK BRIAN ADAM

CONNOR

“A forever end to the Orange Baggers.”

BARTENDERS OF THE WEEK

KELLY CHEN

THE RED LION

Relationship Status: I just got a new Bumble pro pic Major: Econ Favorite Drink: Jägies Favorite Shot: Tequila, top shelf Giro Disgusting Drink: Pepsi How does an unemployed, drunk student get by in Champaign over the summer?: Staying unemployed and drunk. What would be in ghetto brunch?: Some boxed rosé over Sunny D on ice. Who will win Champaign Summer 2016? Lion. Joe’s was never gang gang gang gang. What would you get a 4.0 in?: Blowing…kisses. What will be the song of the summer?: Hopefully nothing from View’s tracklist. A geed, a Greek and a freshman walk into a bar…: A Pike asks them “who do you know here?” Why should people read The Black Sheep?: People read The Black Sheep?

AMANDA BROTHER'S

Relationship Status: Well I am a super senior ;) Major: Dietetics Favorite Drink: Vodka Water Lime. Yes, I’m basic. Favorite Shot: Buttery Nipple Disgusting Drink: Malört How does an unemployed, drunk student get by in Champaign over the summer?: They become a towel boy at Roland Pool. What would be in ghetto brunch?: Tang, André, and Hot Pockets Who will win Champaign Summer 2016?: Cochrane, he’s always making the most bank in Champaign. What would you get a 4.0 in?: Netflix and Chill What will be the song of the summer?: “Shots & Squats” by Vigiland A geed, a Greek and a freshman walk into a bar…: That sounds like a typical night at Brother’s…minus the freshman. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: To see me, duh.

THE DRINKING GAME

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

GLASS IS HALF FULL

“SCREW IT” PIZZA PIE

There’s a positive side to everything. You’re unemployed this summer? More time for Netflix. You didn’t pass a class? Next time you take it you’ll know all the info. Always look at life with a “glass is half full” mentality. Except for this game. You want it to be at least half empty.

Do you ever just get tired of cooking really fancy mac and cheese dinners or going out to Chipotle every night? Do you ever feel like you just wanna give up on your body image and just say “Fuck it”? We totally understand that, so we’ve created this “I’ve given up on my summer 6-pack bod” recipe.

What You’ll Need: Solo cups, alcohol of any type, a timer and varying sizes of measuring cups or spoons.

What You’ll Need: - Prepackaged pizza dough, because let’s be honest, you aren’t gonna make it from scratch. - 1 can of pizza sauce. - Mozzarella cheese. - Anything edible. We used: Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, leftover Kraft Mac & Cheese, bacon bits, Chef Boyardee Double Stuﬀed Ravioli, and all of the meat found in a snack-sized Lunchable.)

Number of Players: You can play with as little or as many people as you want. Level of Intoxication: Depends on how you look at it, are you intoxicated or just having a good night? How to Play: - Each player gets 2 Solo cups. - Fill one cup to the top with either beer or a mixed drink. Leave the other cup empty. - Take your biggest measuring cup or spoon and set the timer for 1minute. When the timer starts, scoop the alcohol into your empty cup as fast as you can. - If you finish scooping before the timer finishes, you can dump your drink into an opponent’s cup. - When the timer hits one minute, players must drink the contents of what they weren’t able to scoop. End of round one. - The next round begins and players will fill their cups to the top again. Same rules apply, but you will now use a smaller scoop. - Again, you can dump your drink into someone else’s cup if you scoop it all before the timer runs out. -Continue with the same rules as above until you are down to your smallest scoop. The Game Ends When: You’re using the smallest cup or spoon to scoop your drink into the empty cup and your friend still somehow managed to scoop all of theirs first. Drink up.

Cook Time: Eh, about 40 minutes, give or take a few 30-second bong hits. Fatty Factor: Well, since this pizza is all about forgetting your summer body goals, it’s pretty fatty. By “pretty fatty,” we actually mean“unbelievably fatty.” Depending on what you decide to put on it, the fatty factor could range anywhere from FUPA to coronary nightmare. Take your pick because that lime green bikini sucks anyway and it DOESN’T WANT YOU TO BE TRULY HAPPY. Let’s Get Baked: - Preheat your oven to 400 degrees. - Spread out your pizza dough onto a large baking pan. - Using a spoon (or your fingers) spread the pizza sauce all over the dough. - Sprinkle entire bag of cheese onto the sauce. - Then add anything you want. - Put pizza concoction in oven for 35 minutes or until cheese gets golden brown. Good luck spending the entire swimsuit season sucking and tucking, Illini! Don’t forget to thank us later for your new, positive outlook on body image.

BOOZE REVIEW Burnett’s Pink Lemonade Grade: C

The Class of 2016 will be crossing the stage soon, grabbing a piece of paper that means mostly nothing. They’ll be dressed to the nines in their medieval gowns with silly hats listening to some boring commencement speaker that went here 20 years ago. Seniors will look back on all the Burnett’s they drank through college while spacing out during the ceremony, so this review is dedicated to them.

User Comments: - “SAMANTHA, LIKE OH MY GOD, LET’S TAKE SOME FUCKING SHOTS!” - “Ah yes, it goes down sooo smooth I think, I don’t know, though. This is the only vodka I drink.” - “If DJ Khaled was here, he would say ‘another one’.” - “I like *insert other flavor* better!”

Smells Like: That disgusting frat your roommates dragged you to during freshman year Welcome Week where they only played shitty Flo Rida music oﬀ one bro’s iPod.

You’ll Like This if You Like: Going out even once in your college career. This drink has helped more people get through situations better than most charities, and that’s what makes it beautiful.

Tastes Like: Your past 4 years in an old Solo cup that you found on your apartment floor, with residue from older Burnett’s flavors. How delicious.

Best Described as an Alcohol Superior To: Any alcohol that students drink at any other colleges. Burnett’s is forever in the bloodstream of every Illini, making us stronger and drunker than anybody in the country.

Typical Drinkers: - Your heroic, but overly confident friend who yelled “LET’S TAKE SOME SHOTS!” - People who don’t like cheap beer like Keystone Light, but totally fine with cheap vodka. - Students who don’t realize that they could buy better vodka for a few extra bucks. - Not Russians, drinking this is like spitting in their faces.

What the Douchey Frat Bro Would Say if He Saw You Drinking This: “Hey! Who do you know here? Oh, Doug’s My Little Bro! Here’s a bid! Welcome to the brotherhood, now drink pledge!” Mixed it With: Student debt, you spent all your money from FAFSA buying this shitty vodka. It was all worth it right?

Diego Manischewitz wrote this

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A E M O C

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STUDENT WAKES UP TO FIND OUT SHE’S MISSED ENTIRE SEMESTER Waking up in a foggy panic, UIUC junior Aubrey Delgado found herself having slept through her alarm and the entirety of the Spring 2016 semester.

“Oh shit,” she said, visibly upset as she ran to the bathroom in a rush to prepare for the hectic day of apologizing to her professors, running from class to class in a frenzy, and making up all 2,045 missing points from her combined classwork. “I can’t believe I slept in this late, I swear I don’t even remember hitting snooze on my phone alarm so many times,” said Ms. Delgado as she frantically brushed her teeth and checked her alarm’s snooze settings, which she had hit approximately 18,240 times over the course of the semester without realizing it. “I didn’t go to bed that late…I think it was only like 3:30?” she said as she shifted through her closet for clothes. “Maybe they’ll believe that I was sick…” she said, clenching her teeth, thinking of a proper excuse for her missing 114 straight days of school. “I’m sure they’ll go for that, my professors are pretty cool this year,” she said as she threw an outfit together haphazardly onto her bed. “At least I think so, I never actually met them, but my roommate vouched for them, so it’s all good.” “I should probably get a quick shower in. I’ve been wearing these pajamas for about sixteen weeks,” she said, eyeing the bathroom door. “I’ll just wash everything but my hair, it looks fine anyways,” she added, jumping into the bathroom and turning on some shower music, which she claimed was “essential.” After changing she grabbed a quick breakfast bar. “I’m going to need this, I might not get to eat all day with the workload I have,” she said biting into it with a sigh, thinking of the dozens of papers,

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Tenacious D wrote this

projects, and homework assignments she slept through. She went to turn the doorknob and stopped suddenly, exclaiming, “Wait, I don’t even know my schedule. Shit.” She pulled her phone out and, after quickly checking Facebook and seeing 157 missed messages and 5,707 Snapchats from friends and family, she pulled up her Enterprise schedule. “Ok first class, I can make it,” she said confidently, descending the stairs. “I’m so dead though, it’s bio-chem, they’ll never believe I was sick for 4 months if I just show up out of nowhere all healthy.” Stopping to ponder she continued her train of thought, “Maybe I should just send them an email about the situation and skip today too…” Looking back up the 7 stairs, her apartment still clearly visible through the railing, she gave it a few minutes of thought while shuﬄing through her playlist. “No, I’ve come too far already, I might as well go,” Ms. Delgado said, continuing on her way to class. Walking moderately quickly, she made her way to Gregory Hall to catch what was most likely the final day of classes. Arriving 5 minutes “late,” Ms. Delgado pulled open the doors, found a seat, and pulled out her laptop before looking up to find a completely empty, dark lecture hall. “Ah fuck, it’s finals week,” she said, frustrated, before getting up and heading back to her apartment for what she asserted would be “a quick nap, then constant work from there.”

Spot the Difference: Sweet Home Chicago

YOU’RE “FROM CHICAGO” **COUGH** SUBURBS **COUGH COUGH**, SO YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO SPOT THE 8 CHANGES WE MADE TO ITS GLORIOUS SKYLINE. SUPPOSING YOU CAN, EMAIL US AT PORTILLOS@THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM AND WE’LL SEND YOU A DELIGHTFUL DOG.

Illinois Beers! BEERS! BEERS!

BELOW ARE NINE LOGOS FROM BEERS BREWED IN THE GREAT STATE OF ILLINOIS. CAN YOU NAME THEM? IF YOU’RE AS CERTAIN OF YOUR ANSWERS AS YOU ARE OF YOUR BUDDING ALCOHOLISM, EMAIL PRIZE@THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM AND WE’LL SEND YOU SOME SWAG IF YOU’RE RIGHT.

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