GVSU JAN ISSUE by The Black Sheep

SPRING 2016

The Black Sheep

FRE E you ! Like sto all t le f rom he boo hom ze e...

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

Issue 1

WELCOME BACK, LAKERS!

E D I INS

WHAT YOUR SEAT SAYS ABOUT YOU TOP 10: THINGS YOU ALREADY MISS ABOUT HOME HOW TO GET YOUR ROOMMATE TO STOP BEING LAZY

MEET THE STAFF CHIEF CAMPUS EDITOR Rachel McLaughlin

OWNED & OPERATED BY: Black Card Media, LLC 321 N. Clark, Suite 2550 Chicago, IL 60654 Contact Corporate: 312.224.8320 For Advertising: 608.712.0900

CAMPUS DIRECTOR Mackenzie Harding

ADVERTISING MANAGER Megan Doman

OWNER Atish Doshi

WRITERS Abigail Dewstow Brody Cragg Amelia Pasqualore Marcee Wardell Julie Nichols

QUESTIONS? info@theblacksheeponline.com

DISCLAIMER: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking.

ADVERTISING? ads@theblacksheeponline.com

GUERRILLA MARKETING MANAGER Brody Cragg

This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication.

SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER Brody Cragg

Please drink...responsibly and legally.

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ARTICLES • DRINKING GAMES THE BAR GRID • PURE AWESOMENESS

Welcome to Page Three! You are about to have more fun than a freshman at a frat party. Tweet us your answers, or send them to page3@theblacksheeponline.com. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

PAGE THREE THE BLACK SHEEP’S LEGENDARY

WORD OF THE WEEK

COOKING TECHNIQUE OR TORTURE METHOD? One ends with a delicious dead animal, the other, often, with a less delicious dead person. Can you tell them apart? Send your guess to torture@theblacksheeponline.com, if you’re right, we’ll let you live, and maybe send you some stuff.

OPTIMISSED To be excited about an opportunity, but to fail at that opportunity entirely by one’s own hand. “Kevin was excited to lose his virginity to Sara. It was a lock…until he optimissed by puking in her mouth as they made out.”

WHOSE AUTOGRAPH IS THIS? You may think your handwriting is hot garbage, but compared to some of these fairly famous fools, you’re practically a calligraphist. Think you know who jotted down this junk? Let us know at autographs@theblacksheeponline.com and we’ll sign something and send it to you.

MANCUERDA?

GUESS THE PORN PARODY CHARACTER

Porn parodies are a thing that exist in this universe because humans are disgusting creatures that can and will turn everything good into something sexual. Below we have the porn parody equivalent of a movie or TV show character you probably hold near and dear to your heart. Can you venture a guess? Email us your answer at Page3@theblacksheeponline.com with your answer - bonus points if you know their porn-parodied name, too!

@THEBLACKSHEEPGV FOLLOW US ON TWITTER FOR ALL THE ANSWERS!

READ MORE ONLINE THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

HOW TO PASSIVE AGGRESSIVELY GET YOUR ROOMMATE TO GET SHIT DONE Smitty Werberjagermanjensen wrote this

Does your roommate not contribute to the chores? Do they leave messes and take your things without asking? No need to fret; you don’t have to directly confront your roommates. Instead, we suggest resorting to extreme passive-aggressiveness to get shit done. It works well, you don’t have to “be an adult about things,” and you can make your roommate suffer for his or her actions! That’s a win-win-win scenario, bud. Situation 1: Roommate doesn’t do the sticky, smelly dishes It’s been two weeks since Chad used that glass baking dish to make enchiladas and it’s been sitting in the sink ever since, despite your numerous “IT SMELLS LIKE DEAD CAT IN HERE” comments. What to say: If you want them done sooner rather than later, the best thing to say would be: “Hey roommate! I see you had fun a few days ago with friends and had an awesome meal! You must’ve been having so much fun you forgot about them for days. Your life is just one big party isn’t it? Even Gatsby had to wash a plate sometimes!” What to do: Spit on their belongings until the dishes are done. Situation 2: Roommate won’t take out trash Trash has leaked into the can, it smells like old fish, and your roommate still continues to place more trash on top of the teetering pile like it’s Jenga. It’s time to do something! What to say: In this case, passive aggressive actions speak louder than words so you don’t need to say anything. What to do: Write his name on the trash bag and put it in his bedroom. If this doesn’t spark any activity, simply pour the trash onto the driver’s seat of his car with a sticky note saying: “Hey bud, it’s your week to take out the trash!” to let your roomie know that he, too, is trash. You’re sad and alone so this just isn’t ok. What to say: “You have a girlfriend now? Cool. On an almost completely unrelated note, could you make sure your volume is down while watching horror films. The screams from your videos scare me sometimes and I think we have a ghost because I hear a lot of moaning and pounding on the walls.” What to do: Furiously masturbate and occasionally scream louder so your roomie thinks you’re gettin’ it on too. Situation 4: Roommate continuously eats your food What to say: “I see you’ve been putting on some pounds, man! Maybe you should cut back on the carbs before your girlfriend dumps you for someone with a 6-pack.” What to do: If words aren’t enough, Mean Girls the hell out of this. Find very high caloric protein powder and put it any of the drinks you suspect your roommate drinks and inject butter into food you know your roommate is eating. Watch your roommate gradually balloon as you laugh manically in the background. He’ll go to the gym so you get more you-time and he’ll stop eating your Chips Ahoy! Success. Your roommate is a pile of shit, but there are ways to confront the issues they present without actually having to confront them like an adult. Thank God, because acting maturely is for other people and not you.

SPONSORED CONTENT

It’s 3a.m. on a Friday evening, and you’ve just enjoyed a night full of drinking away your grades. Surprise! You’re hungry. While most college students across America might call up Jimmy John’s for a sub sandwich, in Michigan we go for something else: the sandwich wrap. There’s several places you can pick up a wrap, but where did this concoction get its origin in the college market? The answer: Menna’s Joint.

THE TOP TEN

THINGS YOU’RE ALREADY MISSING ABOUT HOME

ON THE STREETS

WHAT ARE YOU MOST EXCITED TO REGRET IN 2016? JULIA STAVALE, SOPHOMORE “This ass.”

Home is a special place that nothing compares to. Now that break is over you’re going to have to get used to cooking for yourself and paying for your own shit – it’s a rough transition. We’ve compiled a list of things you’ll miss from home as you sit in the cold sadness that is your dorm at Grand Valley. 10.) Grandma’s Farts: Nothing quite says “home” like hearing your grandma rip one. Her frail body can’t control what it does at this point, and hearing her fart really just makes you realize how lucky you are to still have her around. 9.) Home-Cooked Meals: Anything that’s made for you at home is considered a home-cooked meal. Even that bowl of pickles and milk your hungover mom gave you on New Year’s Day is better than anything you or Fresh can “cook.” 8.) Getting Drunk Alone: While this may seem like something you can do at school, you’ll have friends and roommates that want to join in at GVSU. At home you get to drink without sharing or socializing, and that’s really the best Christmas gift of all.

DUSTIN PHILLIPS, SENIOR

“Going drinking with friends when I should be studying. AKA procrastinating.”

7.) Your Own Bed: A sad reality is that every college student has two beds. The one at home offers a place of relaxation while the one at GVSU belongs to not only you but the dozens of students before you. Let’s be honest, there’s a 90% chance that some dude probably jizzed all over it once or thrice. 6.) Having a Place to Park: A parking space is always open for you at home and it’s usually a 20-foot walk from your car to your door. GVSU students know this isn’t the case on campus. Walking to class is a 20-minute trek through tundra. Make sure you brought back your boots and parka, it’s about to get frigid in this bitch. 5.) Family: Maybe you won’t miss your family that much while back at school. You probably had to deal with your grandma hitting on your boyfriend at Christmas, but maybe you’ll feel a hint of sadness as you hit a bong with no one around to yell at you for it. 4.) Not Doing Your Laundry: Winter break is the only time it’s acceptable to throw your clothes down the stairs and ask your mom to wash them for you. She might have combatted this action with “You’re 19 years old, wash your own damn clothes!” but you were too busy playing RuneScape on full volume to hear her. Eventually, your clothes ended up washed and folded with no effort on your part. 3.) Seeing Old Friends: There are two types of “old friends” that you’ll miss when you get back to school. There are the old friends that would give you weed and then there are the old friends that you tried stabbing once in high school. Back at GVSU, you’ll either miss the weed or the fact that you had the opportunity to stab those friends one last time. You always have winter break next year, so start planning! 2.) Having Time to Bathe: Personal hygiene is very important, however, you might find yourself only showering every three days at GVSU because you had class, homework, or an old episode of SpongeBob came on at 3:00 a.m. Whatever the case, you’ll miss when you had time for an hour long shower back at home. 1.) Pets: Pets are, without a doubt, the thing you’ll miss most about being at home. At home you could stare at them for hours watching them sleep, petting, or playing with them. At school, that’s just not an option. The best you can do is make a sibling or your mom send you pictures of your dog every hour. Amelia Pasqualone wrote this

BEN HUNT, JUNIOR “The breakfast at Fresh.”

READ MORE ONLINE THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

WHAT YOUR SEAT OF CHOICE IN CLASS SAYS ABOUT YOU Julie Nichols wrote this

Where you choose to sit in class says a lot about you. It can even reveal things about yourself you never would have thought about before. Now that we’re back in class and you’ve claimed your seats for the semester we’re here with the details on what it truly means. Take some notes, kiddies, and welcome back to school! Front Row: Type A personality. Assertive. Big achiever. Big aspirations. Big asshole, probably. Yeah, we know your kind. When U of M didn’t take you, Grand Valley was probably your backup or something. It’s not that we don’t think you’ll be successful and famous one day, it’s just that we don’t really care for over-achieving nerds who will probably be our bosses. Thanks for doing all the talking, though, so the rest of us don’t have to. Back Row: You are also an asshole, but of a very different nature. You’re the type of asshole that sits slouched back in a chair and looks like they’re about to fall asleep (and maybe occasionally does). Except you probably also like to raise your hand and try to contradict every little thing the professors say. Look, we get it – you took a philosophy class once and think everything you say is a gift from God. Now shut up for a few minutes! Or maybe you’re the type of back row-sitter that never says a word because you’re always on your phone and or eating salads from The Connection while the professor tries to teach. But why else would they put outlets in the back of the room if they didn’t want us charging our phones and laptops? By The Door: You got shit to do and places to be. Twenty bucks says you can’t stand it when professors keep lecture going after class time is up. Who do they think they are? Coming in a few minutes late (with Starbucks) and then they want to take your precious time once class is supposedly officially over? Hell nope. So you sit by the door because as soon as class is over, you’re out first. By The Window: This seat is highly distracting so you must be a big day dreamer. You think about something really innocent like finding true love or getting revenge against your enemies. Either way, you do you, man. The rest of us will just watch as you longingly look outside, contemplating your next move. Middle Of The Room: Unlike some of these other types we’ve been discussing, you don’t have much of a personality. You’re a little bland. Blasé. Vanilla. Middle of the road. You get the picture, right? We’re willing to bet that you like Taylor Swift or The Black Keys and that your favorite movie is The Avengers or The Hunger Games. Try to look on the bright side! While people likely won’t remember your name, at least no one will ever call you pretentious. You Don’t Have a Specific Seat: As the person who is constantly changing seats, you’re definitely the biggest D-bag. Apparently you notice this, but EVERYONE ALREADY HAS A SEAT and they like that seat and they plan on staying in that seat all semester. Then you show up all inconsiderate and indecisive and take people’s mentally-assigned seats. This is why human nature is f*cked and we can’t have nice things. We hope you’ve learned a little bit about yourself and which behaviors to try and avoid this semester. But no matter where you sit, you’re a winner for even having shown up to class. Just remember, once you’ve picked a seat you’re stuck there, so hopefully you chose wisely.

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The Bar Grid

DOWNLOAD OUR APP TODAY 21+only; Minors allowed with parent/guardian until 9pm

21+only; Minors allowed with parent/guardian until 9pm

WEDNESDAY The B.O.B’s Specials: 50% off wine by the glass!

WED: Geeks Who Drink Trivia: 8pm Happy Hour! Monday - Friday: 4 - 6pm 1/2 off Tier 1 & 2 beers, wells, call & wine

Wings & Pints Mondays 1/2 off Wings 6-Close $3 Local 20 drafts all day

THURSDAY

Dr. Grin’s Specials: 2-for-1 tickets with College ID

Happy Hour! Monday - Friday: 4 - 6pm 1/2 off Tier 1 & 2 beers, wells, call and wine Industry Hours! Monday - Friday: 10 - Close 25% off entire tab for hospitality industry workers

Happy Hour: 2 - 6pm Half-off burgers $3 Select Michigan Pints, Wines and Wells

FRIDAY

Eve’s Specials: $3 Domestics, $4 Wine $4 Calls, $5 Martinis

Happy Hour! Monday - Friday: 4 - 6pm 1/2 off Tier 1 & 2 beers, wells, call and wine Industry Hours! Monday - Friday: 10 - Close 25% off entire tab for hospitality industry workers

$12 Local 20 Growler ﬁlls every day!

SATURDAY

Bobarino’s Specials: 2pm - 6pm: 1/2 off appetizers $4 B.O.B’s Beers (core 4)

Brunch: 11am - 3pm $4 Build-Your-Own Bloody Mary bar: 11am - 3pm

$12 Local 20 Growler ﬁlls every day!

SUNDAY

Closed

Brunch: 11am - 3pm $4 Build-Your-Own Bloody Mary bar: 11am - 3pm

Late Night Happy Hour 10-2AM $3 Select Michigan Pints, Wines and Wells

MONDAY

Bobarino’s Specials: 2pm - 6pm: 1/2 off appetizers $4 B.O.B’s Beers (core 4)

Monday Mug Club Night: 1/2 off food and $2 off beers for Mug Club Members Studio Night: 6 - 11pm: 25% off for artists working on projects in our back room Happy Hour! Monday - Friday: 4 - 6pm 1/2 off Tier 1 & 2 beers, wells, call and wine

Wings & Pints Mondays 1/2 off Wings 6-Close $3 Local 20 drafts all day Happy Hour: 2 - 6pm Half-off burgers, $3 local pints, wines and wells

TUESDAY

Bobarino’s Specials: 2pm - 6pm: 1/2 off appetizers $4 B.O.B’s Beers (core 4)

Local Night: $2 Tier 1 & 2 beers, wells, calls and wine (6 - Midnight) Happy Hour! Monday - Friday: 4 - 6pm 1/2 off Tier 1 & 2 beers, wells, call and wine Industry Hours! Monday - Friday: 10 - Close 25% off entire tab for hospitality industry workers

Happy Hour: 2 - 6pm Half-off burgers $3 Select MI Pints, Wines and Wells Late-night Happy Hour: 10pm - 2am $3 Select MI Pints, Wines and Wells

The B.O.B’s Specials: 50% off wine by the glass!

Geeks Who Drink Trivia: 8pm Happy Hour! Monday - Friday: 4 - 6pm 1/2 off Tier 1 & 2 beers, wells, call & wine Industry Hours! Monday - Friday: 10 Close: 25% off entire tab for hospitality industry workers

Happy Hour: 2 - 6pm Half-off burgers $3 Select Michigan Pints, Wines and Wells Late-night Happy Hour: 10pm - 2am $3 Select Michigan Pints, Wines and Wells

SPECIAL NIGHT

WEDNESDAY

The Grid

21+only; Minors allowed w/ parent/guardian until 9pm

PBR Progression! $0.50 PBRs at 7PM Price goes up $0.25 every HALF Hour Thirsty Thursday All Night Long $2 Wells, $3.50 3 Olives Drinks and Shot Specials!

$5 Off Burgers w/ Drink Purchase (dine-in only) 6PM-midnight Geeks Who Drink Trivia 10-midnight Happy Hour: 4 - 6pm: $1.75 PBR $2 Wells, $1.25 Blatz $8 Sangria pitchers

THUR.

9pm - 12am $3 Captain Morgan drinks $3 Smirnoff drinks

Ladies Night No cover for ladies until 12am $4 featured drinks for ladies until midnight Happy Hour: 4 - 7pm $2 Wells, domestic bottles $3 Drafts. $4 House Wines, $2 off appetizers

FAC! FRIDAY AFTER CLASS! 5-9PM $0.94 Rolling Rock Cans $2.99 Jager Bombs Other great specials after 9PM!

Back Room Dance Party 10pm - 2am Happy Hour: 4 - 6pm $1.75 PBR $2 Wells, $1.25 Blatz, $8 Sangria pitchers

FRI. SAT.

$3.99 Small Nacho Supreme Noon - 6pm: $2 Domestic Pints

$1 off all drafts (4 - 6pm)

Open Mic Night and Ladies Night (alternates weekends)

Back Room Dance Party 10pm - 2am Happy Hour: 4 - 6pm $1.75 PBR $2 Wells, $1.25 Blatz, $8 Sangria pitchers

All Day: $3 Bloodies $2 Well Drinks

Celtic Music: 7 - 9pm $3 Drafts & Call Liquors (4pm - 12am)

Rediculous Football Specials! Half Off Drinks When Lions are in the Lead!

Rehab Brunch and Gong Show! $1.75 PBR $2 Wells, $1.25 Blatz $8 Sangria pitchers

All Day - 12am: $3 Margaritas

Host your special event in the Pearl Room! Email erin@mcfaddensgrandrapids.com for more info.

Team Trivia at 8PM! Come compete for great prizes

The Drunken Retort: 8pm Open mic comedy, poetry, spoken word and music. Drink specials!

Karaoke: 9pm - 12am $3 U-Call-Its $3.99 Burger Basket

Host your special event in the Pearl Room! Email erin@mcfaddensgrandrapids.com for more info.

Happy Hour: 4 - 6pm $1.75 PBR $2 Wells, $1.25 Blatz $8 Sangria pitchers

$4 Sangrias $3.99 Boneless Chicken Dinger Apps

Electric Wednesdays EDM, House, Trap, Electronic music 9- midnight + $2 You Call Its $2 Smirnoff Sour 4-midnight

Happy Hour: 4 - 6pm $1.75 PBR $2 Wells, $1.25 Blatz $8 Sangria pitchers

WED.

SPECIAL NIGHT

9pm - 12am $4.50 Craft Beer Pin

College Night $2 You Call Its 9-Midnight DJ Justin Kung!

TUES.

SAT: $1 Drafts (4 - 6pm) Happy Hour: 4 - 6pm $1.75 PBR $2 Wells, $1.25 Blatz $8 Sangria pitchers

MON.

FAC! FRIDAY AFTER CLASS! 5-9PM $0.94 Rolling Rock Cans $2.99 Jager Bombs Other great specials after 9PM!

SUN.

FRIDAY! $3 Captain & $3 Smirnoff

SUNDAY: Celtic Music: 7 - 9pm $3 Drafts & Call Liquors (4pm - 12am)

Flip Night at 6PM! Flip a coin for half off drinks Karaoke at 9PM!

$0.50 Wings Add a Domestic Pint for $1.99

ARE YOU SMARTER THAN? 10 RE UT OF O SC 8 O

CHADD DOWDING

PROGRAM MANAGER AT COOK LEADERSHIP ACADEMY

1. Health: Edema is a condition characterized by the excess collection of what in the body? 2. Politics: What South Carolina Senator officially suspended his presidential campaign on December 21st?

6. Sports: Who is the all-time MLB homerun leader? 7. Countries: What country’s western most point is at the intersection of the Viale Vaticano and the Via Aurelia?

3. Cooking: Meat, seared on the outside but raw on the inside, is described as this color.

8. Biology: What animal is most readily identified, in part, by its prehensile tail, horned crown, and independently mobile eyes?

4. 2015: What was the top-selling album of 2015?

9. Reality TV: T.J. Lavin is the host of this MTV reality series.

5. Harry Potter: What minor character destroyed the 7th Horcrux by beheading Nagini?

10. Chemistry: At sea level, what is the Celsius boiling point of water?

Chadd Dowding’s Answers

Correct Answers

1.) Fluid 2.) Lindsey Graham 3.) Blue, Rare 4.) 25 by Adele 5.) Neville Longbottom 6.) Babe Ruth 7.) The Vatican 8.) Chameleon 9.) No Idea 10.) 100

1.) Water 2.) Lindsey Graham 3.) Blue 4.) Adele’s 25 5.) Neville Longbottom 6.) Barry Bonds 7.) Vatican City 8.) Chameleon 9.) The Challenge 10.) 100 degrees

BOOZE REVIEW Ketel One Vodka Grade: A

Gammy knows she’s kickin’ the bucket soon, so she hooked us up with an extra $50 this Christmas. We, in turn, spent it on some good vodka—not the cheap kind that’ll put us 6 feet under next to her. Tastes Like: Vodka’s a neutral spirit, kind of like how you tried to be at the Christmas table over the holidays. Then, the Trump talk started and you yelled so loud you peed your pants. Unlike you, it doesn’t fail—so it just kinda tastes boozy. Smells Like: The burning. Oh my, the burning. Looks Like: Water—perfect for some syllabus week shenanigans. Good think you have all these Sprite bottles laying around, huh? Typical Drinkers: College kids with 2015 BMWs, old people with their own cash, and anyone who doesn’t really know how to work budget. What Does “Ketel” mean in American?: Dunno, we only speak American, not French. The world’s a mystery.

Staff wrote this

User Comments: “Great taste, less filling. Wait—I think that’s some cheap beer, but this fits the bill.” “Could I bring this to a chardonnay party? What if it’s a party with boxed chardonnay?” “Best first day of class ever—got kicked out for accusing someone of racism, and made some dude cry. Thanks Ketel!” What Our Dying Grandma Would Say if She Saw Us Drinking It: “I was hoping you’d invest that money into something you’ll remember me by, young man. Instead, this. Did you know when I was your age a bottle of vodka was communist—we drank moonshine, it cost a nickel and one outta’ four a’ ya would go blind.” Could You Drink It While Wearing A Hat?: We suppose, but you better also rock a monocle. A mustache, too. We Paired It With: The best first day back in class one could imagine. Is it Better Than Grey Goose?: What? Who cares? Sure, why not?

THE DRINKING GAME

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

PTERODACTYL

HEDGE WITH VEG

This simple, fun game can be played anywhere, anytime. Well, anytime you feel like being the most absurd people at the bar/party/funeral.

Last semester you had to convince yourself that it was only the freshman 15, not the senior 60. Well, the holidays didn’t help one bit. Whether it was Aunt Kathy’s gingersnaps or your drunk uncle’s hit of Fireball, the break turned you into a calorie vacuum. But, you’re heading into 2016 with a healthy mindset—and it starts with going vegetarian. Kind of.

What You’ll Need: Beer and people. Number of Players: More than one. Seriously — we can’t stress this enough — if you play this game alone, people will think you are an insane person. Level of Intoxication: Indominusrex, more like Indrunkinessrex! We’ll see ourselves out. How to Play: - Situate yourselves in a circle. Say, around a table at your favorite bar. - Throughout the game everyone must keep from showing their teeth. So cover your teeth with your lips, like you’re impersonating grandma (RIP). - The game begins when a volunteer lifts his arms into little wings, turns to the person on his left, and says “PTERODACTYL” (without showing his teeth). - The next person then either continues the flowby lifting little wings and telling the person to her left “PTERODACTYL!” OR reverses the flow of the game by turning back to previous person, spreading her wings and making a pterodactyl noise (KKAAAWWWHHH!!!!). - The next person can either reverse (KAW!) again, or continue on with a “PTERODACTYL!” You’re trying to get them to crack, so the weirder the better. - Repeat the above until someone breaks and shows their teeth, at which point either everyone drinks, or just the people who break drink, depending on if your friends are f*cking sticklers. The Game Ends When: You get kicked out of the bar, or you decide to call it quits after realizing primal dinosaur screams have been the only way you’ve communicated for the last two hours.

DOWNLOAD OUR FREE APP FOR ALL THE GAMES!

What You’ll Need: White bread Peanut butter Bread and butter pickles Fatty Factor: You’ll be squeezing into your slightly-less-fat jeans by May. Cook Time: Depends on how much of your supply your roommate—DAMMIT TED!-- scarfed over break. It might be time for a trip to the store. Let’s Get Baked: -Grab a few slices of bread. At 100 calories a pop, you’re looking good. -Spread however much peanut butter you want on one slice of white bread. Remember, each tablespoon has 95 calories so…10 tablespoons? -Place pickles on top of the peanut butter. They have like, no calories. Hey! Maybe you should just eat pickles. -Place the other piece of bread on top. -Enjoy your 1200 calories of weight-loss heaven. Hey, if this salty-and-sweet combo ain’t your jam, you’re in luck! It’s scientifically proven that not eating is a great way to lose weight. If you think about it, 2016 is already off to a roaring start.

NOMNOMNOM AT THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

Spring semester marks a time when one person in every friend group decides it’s time to spread his wings and fly to another country. Hey, that’s you! You do this to experience another culture, to exploit some loophole you think you found in the course credit system, or more likely, to go get drunk for six months and call it “life changing.” It’s no surprise, then, that study abroad people have a tendency to turn into self-righteous dicks -- after all, you’ll be travelling the world while we’re all still masturbating under the sheets once our roommate falls asleep. However, in order to not be completely friendless when you return from ~study abroad~, the seasoned travelers at The Black Sheep whipped up some tips and tricks.

Don’t Write A Goddamned Blog: This may save you from emailing your grandma every week or letting people know you’re still alive after that weekend trip to Sarajevo, but-- and we can’t stress enough that we’re being literal here-- no one will care. Never, ever, post a link to your word slop on Facebook or Twitter. Just email gam-gam; don’t worry, after a month or two, even she’ll have stopped reading about the time you walked by a 15th century church… again. Don’t Get Your Picture Taken with a Foreign Child: Aww, the white girl who had enough disposable income to travel to a foreign country stopped for three seconds to get a picture with the starving African child! Maybe she kicked the ol’ soccer ball around with them and talked about how she shits in clean water and didn’t have to work manual labor the moment she could walk! You’re not foolin’ anyone, suburban-girl-withAfrican-child-in-your-profile-pic, so maybe stick with a picture of a giraffe or something. Don’t Start Using the Local Language: Tu habla Espanol muy bueno todos las dias? Bien, Miguel, bien. Tu familia y tu amigos no hablamos Espanol, y tu viejo muy, muy-- no, mas!-- estupido hablan Espanol a los personals no habla la lengua. Es lengua, si? Es estupido porque todos los personas no… como se dice “give a shit”? Donde esta el bano en el biblioteca? Autobus. Manzana. Don’t Come Home and Complain About American Booze: Spending six months in Germany sipping on the finest Dunkelweizens and Rauchbiers doesn’t mean you suddenly get to complain how Coors Light tastes like metallic tacos. You, like every other uneducated chucklefuck in this place will drink your metallic tacos, and you will like them. Never Start a Sentence, “This One Time in France…”: The minute you start a sentence this way, everyone tunes out. Oh look, you’re talking about yourself again! No one can relate to your experiences, no matter how funny or crazy or life-changing they were. Your window to talk about your time abroad is open only during the week you get back, in your first conversations with those you haven’t talked to in six months. After that, keep it to ya’ gd mouth shut. Don’t Haphazardly Keep In Touch Your Study Abroad Friends: “Happy birthday!” you’ll write on their wall, two communication-less years later. This will lead to two scenarios: 1.) Someone asks who this person is and you launch into thirty minutes of mindless word vomit about an eight-hour Greyhound ride from Sydney. Or: 2.) You’ll get sent down a depression-inducing bottomless pit of Facebook albums of your time abroad, liking each one, and broadcasting to the Facebook world how miserable and alone you are back home. Return With Absinthe, Or Don’t Return At All: No thanks, Swiss chocolates. Knockoff Thai suits? Who needs internships? We need the good stuff, baby-- the REAL good stuff. If it’s not 150 proof, changes color when poured over ice, and makes us want to cut our ear off, we’re not interested. Plus, it’ll make the story about the time you got arrested for peeing on the Arc De Triomphe that much more tolerable. Don’t Make a Photo Slideshow of Pictures From Your Trip: STOP TRYING TO MAKE US WATCH IT, WE’RE NOT GOING TO WATCH IT. Don’t bother spending hours putting together sixty repeated blurry underwater pics of you pointing at an oiled-up sea turtle. Just make a goddamn photobook and let it gather dust on the shelf with the dozens of Tube maps you thought would make great souvenirs. Don’t Commemorate This Fraction of Your Life With A Tattoo: You spent 1/40th of your life in Brazil. Why don’t you give it some time before you get that green, yellow and blue flag forever emblazoned on your shoulder? It’ll only serve as a reminder of your youthful naiveté when you’re 41, working in a windowless office and thinking more about your dead dreams than you’ve thought about the entire country of Brazil the past twenty years. Don’t Start A Worldwide Epidemic: The United States has worked long and hard-- like, 6 weeks!-- to keep immigrants out of this country, and now that you left for 6 months, guess what? You’re basically an immigrant. Before Christopher Columbus sailed the ocean blue in 1942, the Americas didn’t even have any good diseases. Bubonic Plague? Nope! Smallpox? Not a problem. Sleeping sickness? Stay in Africa. Leave your illness elsewhere, buds-o. Anyway, if you did bring something back and everyone died, who would be around to hear how much fun you had in Beijing? Don’t Act Like You Didn’t Just Dick Around for Six Months: When you tell your bestie about the time you got delayed overnight in a Brussels airport, but it all worked out because you got bumped to first class, and you wouldn’t have had that opportunity for the pan-sexual orgy if the plane had arrived in Ibiza on time, anyway... just stop with the Brussels airport part. We get it. You had a good time. We didn’t, it was cold, everything hurt and no one loved us. You’re back, remember things yourself-- we have plenty of our own shit we need to forget.

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SO, HERE’S A 1937 CLASSROOM. WE’VE HIDDEN 7 ITEMS IN THIS CLASSROOM—STUFF YOU WOULDN’T HAVE BEEN ABLE TO FIND BACK THEN. BUT CAN YOU FIND THEM? IF YOU CAN, EMAIL US AT 1937@THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM AND WE’LL SWAG YA’ UP.

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THE WINTER BREAK RECAP Can you believe we’re back in class already? Winter break went by like a ___1___ at a____2____. It feelsas if just yesterday I was cooking ___3____ with___4____ and all was right in the world. But that can only last so long and now I’m stuck back at ___5____ with my ___6____ roommate and his stupid ____7____ and I already have a research paper due in a week.What ever happened to syllabus week? Winter break can be ____8____ relaxing, but it wasn’t all fun and games.After hours on Netflix, I spent an embarrassing amount of time answering grandma’s questions about ___9____ and as the days droned on I couldn’t stop myself from repeatedly eating ____10____’s till I puked. Luckily I was able to ward off Aunt Cindy’s prying questions about what I’m going to do with my ____11____ degree and only ____12____ of my family members wore a Trump t-shirt – which I unfortunately still count as a win. To make matters worse, after several nights of going out with old high school classmates in an attempt to escape family time I may or may not have had pity sex with that weirdo ____13____. But that’s all behind us now, because it’s a new year, a new me. I’ve decided to take up ____14____ and devote more time to learning about ____15_____’s ____16____. This is the year of productivity. Winter break may be over, and despite the responsibilities of class and schoolwork at least we have our goddamn freedom back.

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WORD BANK 1) Noise your body makes 2) Event rednecks attend 3) Food you can buy at a gas station 4) Family member you despise 5) Campus building 6) Hateful adjective 7) Item your roommate most values 8) Adverb 9) Show you binge watched over break 10) Christmas food 11) Shitty major 12) Number 13) Name of weird kid from high school 14) Strange hobby 15) Presidential candidate 16) Body part

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