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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 2, Issue 6 4/19/12 - 5/9/12
theblacksheeponline.com @BlackSheep_Clem
F.I.N.A.L.S.
ashley fitzpatrick wrote this
Whoa! Dude, it’s the last week of April and finals are the first week of May. Where did the year go? Days with friends turned into lost weeks, which have accumulated into a year only hazily remembered. The reality is that the end is here and so are finals. This means final grades. Scary, right? Finals hit you like a brick wall. Although they come and go each semester, they always loom over the last few weeks of school like a dark, fact-filled cloud. While we want to focus is on summer plans, trips, jobs and, internships - anything but the course load - it’s impossible to deny finals’ existence. Students on the weekend before finals are cramming to pack a box full of knowledge into the tiny envelope that is their brain. Some people have the luxury of exempting finals with an A, lucky S.O.Bs. For the rest of us, we have to study our asses off for the shit we never actually learnt during the semester. But there’s a way to combat the stress of finals even though that seems impossible, introducing the patented The Black Sheep F.I.N.A.L.S. System! Forward Thinking: First, try to get a jump on studying. Sure, you could spend your Monday night watching the latest episode of South Park. Or, on the other hand, you could make up a few flash cards during the commercial breaks. You don’t want to end up poor—and as a result, very dead—like Kenny, do you? Initiate Operation Schedule: Next, make yourself a schedule. Set aside time to study for whatever finals you have to take. Feel free to work in study breaks. There’s no shame in working in an hour-long hook-up session with a study buddy if you spent a few hours really hammering home Euclidian Geometry. God, math is so hot. No Cookout!: Third, get some exercise and eat healthy.
Other stuff
Inside
Dogs: A PSA
Superfoods like almonds, blueberries, and vegetables will increase brain stimulation and are healthy for you. Cake and beer are not. Exercising for at least 20 minutes will get your mind off the books and ease your stress. Angrily staring at a wall, thinking about how badly you’re going to fail this Bio exam will just make things worse. Ask for Help: If you’ve been sleeping through class all semester and really couldn’t even ballpark when the Victorian era occurred (Um...was Jesus involved?), ask your classmates or professors to help remind you what class it is that you’ve been using as a lullaby all year. Surely not everyone was sleeping, that would be awkward. Library Troll: Finals week is all about having the right environment to study in. Does your roommate make lots of noise when she empties the dishwasher? Eff that ish. Ditch the bedroom and head to the library. You can even rent
out a nice quiet room and start a study group with some kids in your class who are way smarter than you. Over the course of the study session sneak out with their notes and make photocopies. Give yourself an “A” for resourcefulness. Snag Some ZZZ’s: Lastly, get a good night’s sleep. This is the most important thing you can do for yourself. You may not be prepared, but you’ll be focused and alert, not floating through a dreamland of verb conjugation patterns. Take this advice and you’ll definitely be able to fit in the last party and still do well in your classes. Plus, everyone parties after finals because no one wants to leave Clemson. And if they say they do they are lying. Do well in school, make mom and dad proud, and then reward yourself after! And remember, F.I.N.A.L.S!
You try to avoid how cute and cuddly they are, okay?
They make more money, date prettier people, go cooler places... yeah, screw them all!
seriously, How do they just keep multiplying???
see page 4
see page 5
see page 9
The Top Ten: Douchiest Pro Athletes
Babies on Facebook: An Epidemic
Table of > > >
PAGE 5 >>>
The Best of Excellent 21st Birthday Gifts
contents
Original gifts for the soon to be alcoholic in your life.
PAGE 6 >>>
Bartender of the Issue
page 10 >>>
Parents Say The Darndest Things!
pages 11 >>>
The Black Sheep Interviews: Shpongle
page 13 >>>
It’s Summertime Fashion!!!!
5
Kayla from Wingin’ It wouldn’t mind David Beckham touching her belly button from the inside.
Especially when they interpret Black Eyed Peas lyrics.... aww, parents!
6
We chatted with Simon Posford, one half of the trippy UK electronic duo.
It’s almost that time to dust off the ole’ canadian tuxedo.
11
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Hey bro, you know your puppy has dry-humped everyone at the party, right? Think your caption is good enough for Page Three? Psh, we’d like to see it! Send your caption to caption@theblacksheeponline.com and we’ll be the judge of that.
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word of the week >>> brosure
Can Refer Jewel REAR CHIN PRY Inn
submit your own word at word@theblacksheeponline.com if you think you’re so clever.
Definition: Any empty promise made by a man specifically so he can sleep with a woman. “I’ll remember your name in the morning,” is a common brosure on college campuses.
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Dogs: A psa Meredith Davidson wrote this
Public Service Announcement directed toward all college-aged students: you do not want a dog. Admittedly, they’re super cute. And cuddly. And always greet you at the door like you’re some long-awaited prophesized bringer of canine delicacies. But that’s it! ...okay, FINE, they also totally get you some dick or vag on the side (seriously what is it about dogs that makes chicks and dudes alike gravitate helplessly toward them?). But besides all that, all the things about having a dog in college that make you feel super cool, are completely outweighed by all the things about having a dog in college that makes you reconsider ever getting Sparky.
and scooping up poo from the when the dog shit on the stairs while you were otherwise occupied by the second of five rounds of tequila shots.
When I was about six my family and I came home to discover our family dog had swallowed half a bag of flour and washed it down with an entire pack of juice boxes. Put into a more age-appropriate perspective, consider that it is highly possible that if one were to have a dog in college, one might return home from a night out to find your supposed “best friend” has gnawed his way through your secret drunk munchies stash of Oreos and Cheddar Ruffles, swallowing it down by your last case of Bud Light, lapping up all the beer that spilled out.
Not to mention the likelihood of periodically losing your dog. Given the absent-minded state of many college students, whether it’s a result of study focus, alcohol ingestion, or the general overwhelming busyness of everyday student life, a dog escape will happen almost daily. Leaving the door open for the ten seconds it takes to place your grocery bags on the kitchen table could result in a thirty-minute high-speed dog chase around your housing complex. And don’t even think about how easy it’d be for your dog to escape when you’re drunk—the possibilities are terrifying (example: not even noticing the dog is missing until 4:30a.m. when he wakes you up whining and scratching at your front door).
On a similar note, you definitely don’t want a dog around when you’re gettin’ rowdy on Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights. If you were to enjoy rounds of drinks in pre-game festivities with your friends with a dog around, you’ll sacrifice the opportunity to enjoy a completely carefree night out. Instead, you’ll have to spend much of your drunken stupor cleaning up the dog vomit on the living room carpet,
With a dog, I can promise you you’ll suffer your fair share of urine-soaked clothing (Guess you’re not wearing that today), loss of socks and shoes to chewing and/or eating, or the mysterious absence of precious family heirlooms. The heirlooms, of course, will reappear days later in the dog droppings you unwittingly step in as you sleepily (read: still hungover-ly) stumble out the door for your 8a.m. Friday morning class.
As much as having a dog may seem like the best thing ever, having a dog for most college kids is, put lightly, rather unadvisable. I mean, let’s be real with ourselves, we’re having way too much fun, and taking care of a dog, well, it’s ruff.
www.theblacksheeponline.com THe top ten
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Douchiest Pro Athletes They make more money than we make. They date prettier women than we date. They travel more than we travel. They make millions of dollars playing a game while we grind out minimum wage in the Clemson dining halls. It’s ok to loathe athletes. (Right?) 10) Ben Roethlisberger: He groped some girl in a bar because he thought “Hey, I’m Ben Roethlisberger, who wouldn’t want to get with me?” Totally, bro. 9) Joakim Noah: Is there a more disgusting professional athlete? This guy just looks like the crunchiest, greasiest, hairiest piece of shit on the planet. The worst part is, he thinks he’s the man. Let me know when you make an AllStar team, big guy.
The Best of Excellent 21st Birthday Gifts Meredith davidson wrote this
Better than the cats wearing glasses bookmark and Starbucks gift card your grandmother sent you for your 21st birthday (love ya, Grandma), compiled here is a list of simple yet awesome alcohol-themed birthday gifts any freshly minted 21-year-old would be delighted to unwrap. Beer Box Robot Suit: Along the lines of the LMFAO Party Rock Robot-head guy, but a whole suit, and made of beer boxes. Bizarre? Maybe. Crazy? Certainly. But, awesome? Absolutely. Don’t question the weirdness of it all, just do it. By the time you’re drunk, everyone will be clamoring for a chance inside the beer box robot suit. The Decorated Cooler: Believe it or not, the decorated cooler isn’t only for mountain weekends, beach formals, and other frat events. To make a heartfelt yet age-appropriate gift for an upcoming 21-year-old friend, consider painting the sides of the cooler with logos of your friend’s favorite foods, restaurants, alcoholic beverages, or other favorite products. Include epic song lyric quotes related to youth, drinking, summer, and carefree livin’ and you’re about ready to go. Stock up at the liquor and grocery stores for an Easter-basket-worthy, Christmas-stocking-worthy, last-night-of-Hannukkah-worthy assortment of your friend’s favorite tasty bevs. Be sure to include at least one type of liquor, beer and wine, but if you’re really goin’ big, throw in a bottle of Andre. Flavor the selection with a few bottles of mixers, and maybe a sprinkling of Crystal Light packets and MiO bottles. Simple, thoughtful, and awesome, the decorated cooler is well suited for the elite force of 21st birthday gifts. The Sponsored Bar Tab: For those of us who really wish to share our birthdays with our friends (also those of us who like to give gifts we too can benefit from). Have a large group of friends all throw in money for a group birthday bar tab. If you can collect ten friends with each throwing in forty dollars for the occasion you already have a $400 bar tab to blow through with your friend on their 21st birthday, and $400 can buy a lot of pitchers, shots, and the rest. To really go big, consider upping the amount you throw in, collecting donations from
charitable citizens on the streets moved by your cause, or approach the birthday friend’s parents about maybe planning the bar tab gift together. Either way, a 21st birthday bar tab fund makes for a wildly promising night of celebration. The Liquor Piñata: Though fairly simple to put together, the liquor piñata is a wee bit pricey. Step one: purchase a piñata. They run for about $12 at the Dollar Store. Step two: purchase liquor mini-bottles. Have fun with it, selecting a variety from UV Blue Raspberry Vodka to Firefly to Smirnoff to 99 Bananas. Step Three: place mini-bottles inside piñata and seal piñata. Walk in the door with a piñata and the birthday guy or girl will merely think you’ve brought them a heartwarming reminder of childhood birthdays, as well as a delightful multitude of candy. FALSE. The truth is even better. Not only is the piñata a wonderful nostalgia-inducing gift, but also it’s full of free alcohol—and a variety of alcohol types as well. Drunk Casserole: Perfected and made famous by Youtube user “DailyGrace” (Google it) and adopted for 21st birthdays, drunk casserole makes for an awesome and humorous gift for around half the price of the alcoholic gift ideas. It’s a fairly simple recipe, a casserole dish plus layer after layer of the best drunk snacks: potato chips, mashed potatoes, some form of meat (bacon? Hamburger meat? Probably bacon), macaroni and cheese, breadcrumbs, more cheese, and anything else you can imagine throwing in there. Cover the casserole dish after creating and pass it off to your newly 21-yearold friend. By night’s end, your friend will be thanking you for providing them with the best post-bar-crawl munchies they’ve ever experienced, even though they won’t remember a bite of it come the next morning. When that guy is spending the big $4 on a lukewarm bottle of Miller Lite as a token of his friendship, or that girl tosses a 99-cent Shoebox card with a “heartfelt” message scrawled in it, you’ll stand out. Gift early and gift often, then when your magical day comes around it’ll be truly, well, magic.
8) LeBron James: He actually set up a nationally televised “Decision” where he gave a middle finger to Cleveland so he could sell out and form a “super team” with D-Wade and Chris Bosh in Miami. Where is the ring, LeBron? Where is the ring? 7) Tom Brady: Everyone hates him except for Patriots fans. He left his hot, pregnant girlfriend for a hot, unpregnant supermodel, his coach is a huge, gaping asshole of a man, and he never stops winning. Perfect recipe for a bag full of douche. 6) Tony Parker: The Spurs point guard is French (a country full of douches), cheated on Eva Longoria (not sure how), and plays for the most unlikeable team in the NBA. It’s your duty as an American to hate the guy. 5) Alex Rodriguez: Hey A-Rod, how come you’re not good anymore? Is it because you stopped “unknowingly” taking steroids? Oh yeah, and he also lost his hot wife for allegedly getting with Madonna. Bro, seriously? 4) Tim Tebow: First of all, he isn’t very good. But what makes me hate him is that he isn’t good, but his team keeps winning in spite of him. And he’s just too nice of a guy. Looks like douchies isn’t a sexually transmitted disease, Timmy. 3) Phillip Rivers: NC State is already a pretty douche-y school, and he was King when he was there. He thinks he is better than he actually is (no Super Bowl rings) and he trash talks all the time, even if he is losing a game. Have I mentioned he looks the part too? Douche. Bag. 2) Tiger Woods: A few years ago, he’d be on the “most loved” list. But 3 years, 20 hookers, and 0 big tournament wins later, we all hate him. How can you not be a douche if you cheat on your impossibly hot Swedish nanny/model wife? That’s straight out of a movie, douche! 1) Kobe Bryant: Is there a more hated professional athlete on the planet? He’s a dick during interviews. He’s arrogant on and off the court. He plays in Doucheville, USA. And he’s good enough to back it all up. I hate him. We hate him. Everyone hates him.
chris dart wrote this
06
Bartenderof the Issue
Kayla Ellsworth wingin’ it
Relationship Status: Single Major: Biological Science, Pre-Pharmacy Favorite Shot: Tiger Missiles - shotgun a Red Bull that has a shot of Skyy Orange vodka in it. Worst Drink Ever: There are no bad drinks, just bad bartenders. What celebrity would you most like to punch in the face?: Kristen Stewart What is the worst pickup line you’ve heard on the job?: “Can I touch your belly button...from the inside?” ...obviously I didn’t serve him the rest of the night. What Disney character do you most want to hook up with?: I would explore a new world with John Smith from Pocahontas.
drinking game:
Sex Master
People say, “What happens in so and so, stays in so and so.” People are idiots. What usually happens is that people do extremely dumb, slutty things thinking that no one will find out about it but eventually everybody does. We encourage you do those slutty things since we have no shame here at The Black Sheep, and we’re offering you this fantastic game for all you horny kids trying to get some. What you’ll need: Guys, girls, a pair of dice and some beer. It’s basically paradise! Level of Intoxication: You’ll get drunk with love as well as alcohol. How to play: - Sit in a circle alternating boys and girls, everyone needs a beer or mixed drink. - Roll the dice and follow these rules: - Roll a 2: kiss anyone you want (if he/ she is not willing then they have to down their drink). - 3: One shot or 10 seconds chugging a beer. - 4: Nothing, you’re safe. - 5: Beer bitch, you must get a beer for anyone who needs a beer and can be told by anyone at anytime to drink your beer until someone else rolls a five.
- 6: Sex Master: You can choose someone to take off a piece of clothing and drink at any time (they’ll need it). - 7: Kiss the person to the right of you and the person to the left of you has to drink. - 8: Choose 2 people to share a drink and a kiss. - 9: Social, everyone drinks! - 10: Guys drink. - 11: Girls drink. - 12: Everyone drinks and takes off an item of clothing.
The Game Ends When: People’s beer goggles cause them to think that their drinking pals are hotter than they actually are, causing the game to end and the orgy to begin.
Thirsty for More?
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What’s the funniest thing you’ve heard on the job?: Some girl broke up with her boyfriend while sitting at the bar on her phone because he chose to play in a Modern Warfare tournament rather than take her out for Valentine’s Day. If you could be a holiday, which would you be?: Spring break - some may not consider it a holiday, but I for sure do. I was made for spring break. What holiday/event is craziest at your bar?: I would say it’s a tie between Cisco Saturdays and Live Music Thursdays. On Thursday night’s we have a live band or DJ and the crowd is always really fun. What dead person would you want to bring back to life?: Frank Howard If you could have any superpower, what would it be?: Mind control
Who do you most want to have a tickle fight with?: David Beckham What’s one thing you never want your mom to know about you?: That this is probably the biggest achievement I have had in the past 2 semesters . How many 4-year olds do you think you could take in a fight?: Probably none, I don’t know how to fight and I bruise like a peach, plus my 3 younger siblings still beat me up. During the time at your bar, how many guys have tried to get your number?: Many have tried, none have succeeded in getting my actual phone number. Favorite place to party?: Wingin’ It when the manager puts a cover on the pool table and deems it a dancing stage. Favorite/least favorite tattoo and why?: Tattoos are tacky, I mean would you put a bumper sticker on a Bentley?
recipe for disaster:
Baked POTatoes
T’was the night of 4/20, and all through the land, A crazy trip was what everyone had planned, We’ll give you this recipe for a sweet treat, But you’ll have to use your imagination, since we must be discreet…
What You’ll Need: A potato, cannabutter, potato toppings of your liking (cheese, bacon bits, sour cream... go crazy with it!). Cook Time: 35 minutes. Fatty Factor: Not too shabby, depending on how wild you get with your toppings. Let’s Get Baked (...but actually though): - Poke holes into your POTato with a fork and bake at 350F for 30 minutes. - Cut the top off of your POTato and scoop out the insides, forming a bowl. - Mix your BUDder and ingredients with the insides until semi-smooth but still a bit chunky. - Stuff your POTato back up and cook in the oven for 5 more minutes. - Enjoy the ride! Enjoy these POTatoes for your munchie pleasures, Give it a half hour and you’ll discover their hidden treasures, If they don’t suffice, make another and don’t be shy, Merry 4/20 to all, and to all a good high.
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Babies on Facebook… An Epidemic Chris Dart wrote this
Scrolling through my Facebook News Feed, I’ve stumbled upon a particularly troubling realization. People need to keep, and I’m putting this lightly, their pictures of their dumb little alien babies off Facebook. I have no problem with people older than me using Facebook. I think it’s great that I can reconnect with old teachers, old family friends or even friend’s parents. That’s why Facebook is so beautiful; it reconnects you with your past, while also helping you learn some about what the future might hold. Hell, even my grandma has a Facebook and I love that I can write on her wall whenever I feel like it, and know she has nothing better to do but comment right back. What I have a problem with are the older people on Facebook who use it as just a medium for showing people how “cute” and “silly” their dumb fucking kids are. I’m sorry, but seeing a picture of your dirty kid taking a piss on your carpet isn’t cute. That shit is sad. Your kid is a brat, and you don’t even notice that they look totally possessed. You think they are so cute that you find it urgent to post a picture of this on Facebook so that your 3 friends from work and your creepy neighbor can “like” it and give you the idea that people actually give a fuck about your bratty little spawn.
There is nothing wrong with posting pictures of your kids. Sure, you’re proud of them, they’re cute, all that shit. I’m sure that when I have a kid, I’m gonna post pictures of them on Facebook too. But what I am sure as shit going to avoid doing is posting a picture of my kid’s every move, smile, “first” and farts. There should absolutely be a limit as to what you post on Facebook about your kid. Your kid just took their first steps, that’s pretty cool! Post that ‘ish and share it with everyone! But if your kid just watched Sesame Street for the first time and called Big Bird “Bid Bid” by accident? Don’t you dare press “post”. Press “delete” and send it in a text to grandma. Because I’ll bet my bottom dollar that she is the only person you know who cares. I really don’t want this to seem like I hate kids, or that I hate people posting pictures of their kids on Facebook. It’s awesome to see your kid grow via social networking. But just because your kid got a new sailor outfit, that is not news worthy. Which means it does not belong on the NEWS Feed. I could go on and on about shit people should not post on Facebook. Like how busy their day is today, or posting pic-
tures of themselves in their bathrooms right before they go out “clubbing, betch!” No one gives a shit about that stuff either. That’s for another article. So please, go ahead, post pictures of your kids every now and then on Facebook. Get a few likes to boost your confidence. But please, do not litter the news feeds of your dear friends with pictures of your bratty kids’ every move. That shit is just not ballin’ to me, and I’m sure it won’t be ballin’ to your kids when they’re my age. Just sayin’.
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Parents say the
Parents—how adorable. Whether they’re obsessed with their iProduct du jour or try to chat you up about the latest episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, you can’t help but appreciate how they still try to stay involved in your life. Still, few parents keep up with the ever-evolving musical landscape. With that in mind we decided to email our parents sample lyrics from recently popular songs just to see if they could figure out what was going on. Their unadulterated responses below.
darndest things! Ke$ha- “Tik Tok”
And now the dudes are linin’ up cuz they hear we got swagger But we kick ‘em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger I'm talkin’ about errrbody gettin crunk Boys tryn’a touch my junk “This is about some girls thinking they’re hot, checking out the boys who aren’t and dissing the pretenders who are offenders.” “Is swagger a new drink? Why does she have it on her and why is she with Mick Jagger? She has garbage that people want?” “The guys are in a competition like American Idol, wanting to show off their stuff, but they won't be accepted unless they're a certain 'type' - a cookie cutter imitation of what is acceptable. They're all showing
off, doing their best.” “Guys are standing in front of a hot club in NYC because they hear celebs and models are hanging out there. But the girls want nothing to do with 'em unless they're jocks or loaded with dough. The chicks are there to party, boys want some action.” Verdict: The parents do a good job identifying the strong pro-female message in the song, but are oblivious to Ke$ha’s general sluttiness. Having seen Ke$ha, this seems impossible.
LMFAO- “Party Rock Anthem” See I'm a jock (huh) nonstop when we in the spot Booty move weight like she owns the block Where I drank I gots to know Tight jeans, tattoos cause I'm rock and roll Half black half white, domino, Gain the money Oprah Doe! “I think this is about people of mixed ethnicity dancing for money.” “The dude feeling like he has to prove himself. Drinking for courage, playing the part with the clothes, tattoos, etc. He’s trying to please all, white/black, (Oreo) black on the outside - white inside. The woman has money, and she’s using him.” “It’s about a guy dancing with his gal but he likes to mix his music, rock and roll with a little hip hop sprinkled in.”
“He can focus and perform in a bad situation; she can move mountains with her powerful behind. Can't remember a thing about last night. Wearing tight jeans, etc. because they're searching for an identity.” Verdict: Two schools of thought are evident here. First, there are two responses with vaguely racist undertones. Then, there are the older folk who know that this is a party song. They must have watched the Super Bowl this year.
Drake- “The Motto”
Wrist blang, got a condo up in Biscayne Still getting brain from a thang, ain’t shit changed How you feel? how you feel? how you feel? Twenty five sittin’ on 25 mil uhh I’m in the building and I’m feeling myself Rest in peace Mac Dre, I’mma do it for the Bay, okay “It’s about a dude in Miami with a hangover reminiscing about the old rapper Dr. Dre and counting his money.”
ern Florida, not knowing what to feel, sitting on $25 million in illegal money. All this - living in Biscayne Bay - but is it worth the diminished peace of mind?”
“This song is definitely about drug use.”
Verdict: “Still getting brain from a thang” threw off them older kids. Thank god. If they knew what that meant, we’d have to kill ourselves.
“Newly rich but feeling poor, with a condo in south-
owl city - "fireflies" 'Cause I'd get a thousand hugs From ten thousand lightning bugs As they tried to teach me how to dance A foxtrot above my head A sock hop beneath my bed The disco ball is just hanging by a thread The dude is in bed dreaming
“The song is about an animal living in the forest, right? I think an animal is teaching him how to dance in the woods.” “This person is definitely dealing with some drug-induced hallucinations.” “A thousand hugs from lightning bugs refers to blue haired ladies, they remember the foxtrot and sock hop. The
disco ball is hanging from a thread means they also realize their best days have passed.” Verdict: They’re all over the place with this one. Truthfully, we’re also confounded by this song. Lightning bugs don’t tend to reside under one’s bed, so we’re just assuming this guy fell ass-backwards into a catchy chorus.
Black Eyed Peas- “I Gotta Feeling” Let's do it, let's do it, Let's do it, Let's do it, and do it, and do it, Let's live it up And do it, and do it, and do it, do it, do it, Let's do it, Let's do it, Let's do it. “This needs no explanation, it’s about sex.” “Why is it all about sex? Do they talk about anything else?” “It’s about good vibes and positive affirmations. “
Verdict: We tricked ‘em real good. We assume that our parents assume that everyone is talking about sex all the time these days. Our suspicions proved correct.
Waka Flocka Flame- “No Hands” Blood want it flacka yea throw it fuck it I don't care. “I have no clue what’s going on here.” “I have no idea.”
Verdict: Neither do we.
the music page
the black sheep interviews:
Shpongle
You’ve never truly felt “shpongled” until you’ve been to one of Shpongle’s unforgettable performances. We got to chat with Simon Posford, half of the brainchild behind the British psychedelic-electronic duo that’s about making awesome music just as much as it’s about trippy visuals and having an amazing experience at the show. The man behind the six-eyed mask talked to us about goals (or lack of them) and their new set The Masquerade, which just embarked on tour in the US. Go online to twistedmusic. com/tours and find out when they’re at a venue near you. The Black Sheep: How did you get involved in playing electronic, trance music? Simon Posford: I guess I took a terrible path in my childhood at some point and got involved in a bad lot. I was playing in bands at school and stuff like that, playing at local girls’ schools, which was fun. Then for some stupid reason I choose playing electronic music. TBS: When did you take the leap from making cool electronic music to putting all these psychedelic visuals with it? Simon: If you’re going to DJ these days, you need to put on some kind of show. We do Shpongle with a live a band, which is such a spectacle. We have Brazilian dancers, contortionists in a box, giant florescent Slinkies, not to mention 12 band members on stage. It is psychedelic music and it is mind-expanding stuff, so you need to have a good live show and a good visual show to go with the music.
cd review
out now
m.ward A Wasteland Companion Predictably great chill tunes, man.
M. Ward is a phenomenal singer, songwriter and guitarist who’s been around for over a decade, consistently performing and releasing music, never faltering on his undeniable raw talent. He’s also one half of She & Him with the adorkable Zooey Deschanel, and one quarter of the incredibly talented 2009 folk collaboration, Monsters of Folk. Not to mention his nearly constant touring and various other collaborations throughout the years, that’s a whole hell of a lot of information about a quiet guy from the west coast. A Wasteland Companion is M. Ward’s 8th album, a feat for anyone and especially for someone who’s under 40. At this point in his career, it’s assumed and quite blatant that he’s got his shit down. M. Ward knows exactly who he is, what and how he’s going to play his music, and, perhaps most importantly, what his fans like. That’s not to say that he hasn’t grown as an
artist or become more polished, but if you listen to his discography, it’s all pretty damn similar—acoustic folk music with passionate, relatable lyrics that sometimes make you sad and sometimes give you the chills. The majority of his songs hover around 3 minutes, but often times much less with barely enough time to even get a song rolling. With him, it’s not so much about finding one song that stands out (though it’s happened, obviously), but enjoying everything just as it happens to be. At just under 40-minutes long, A Wasteland Companion is nothing but predictably great M. Ward quintessential folk rock. The first song released was, “The First Time I Ran Away,” a low-key tune with sparse, simple lyrics and subtle guitar—one of the slower and weaker tracks on the album. Some of my favorites, though, are “Me and My Shadow” and “Crawl After You” because they’re two of the
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more interesting, stand-out songs on the album. “Crawl After You” is particularly beautiful with a nice piano and violins melodies (and painfully cute lyrics). And, if you listen closely throughout the album, you might just hear Deschanel herself featured in a few of the tracks. Subtly, of course. It’s a damn shame if you haven’t checked M. Ward out by now because he’s definitely worth a listen. But if you’re going to get this album, you’ve got to check out some of his other stuff (Post-War is a personal favorite) too. That way, if any of his songs get a little too slow, you can just go on to the next one (on to the next one). Sounds Like: A shy honeybee drinking lemonade on a bench, by himself. Download: Me and My Shadow, Crawl After You, Primitive Girl Listen to it When: You’re just vibing out, preferably in a hammock or by a lake.
TBS: Last year you performed with The Shpongletron (a huge DJ booth with lights, screens, and video mapped images projected onto 3D images) and this year you’re performing with The Masquerade. What’s that all about? Simon: For The Masquerade we actually built a structure called The Glyph, and it’s sort of like The Shpongletron on steroids. It’s trippier, more mapping, just cooler, more psychedelic, more awesome, and I’m a little bit closer to the crowd. TBS: Why the word ‘shpongle?’ Simon: The word Shpongle came about by my musical partner Raja Ram. He had taken some mind-expanding substance and he was wandering around a festival and he said, “Oh Simon, I’m really shpongled.” It was suppose to be a mix of several words that came out at the same time; spangled, stoned, monged, all these words that he wanted to express all sort of fell out of his mouth into one word, “shpongle.” We got a good laugh and thought that we should probably use it as a band name. After that festival we made our first track, and “Shpongle” was just perfect. TBS: When you started Shpongle, did you have any goals in mind? Simon: We never really had any goals, I sort of like not having goals. If you have your goals and you attain them, then now what? Then you set another goal, and then you make this cycle of boredom. If you don’t make your goals, then you’re in a cycle of disappointment. So, we didn’t really have any plans. All we really wanted to do at the time, and continue to do, is to have fun and make music that we want to listen to, and that’s really all I’ve ever done. I do a show that I want to see and maybe that I want to take drugs to. People that don’t like [drugs] don’t have to, because the show has that similar affect on the brain. TBS: What kind of inspiration do you use for your music and your props? Simon: Everything inspires one, I think you’d have to have a heart of stone and a mind of mush to go through life without being inspired by the universe we live in. You know, the smile of a stranger or the woman you love, or a raindrop making its way slowly down your window. It’s all about having an open mind, then you’re open to these influences - the sheer beauty and joy and love and inspiration that the world has to offer around every single corner. Whether you have to bust that mind open with psychedelic drugs or if you naturally let it open like a lotus flower, then it doesn’t really matter. TBS: Okay, true or false: do you put some sort of hallucinogenic-chemical in the air during your concert to get everyone on the same level? Simon: Wouldn’t that be fantastic? I would love to be able to do that, but it’s probably illegal and I’m barely allowed in this country as it is. That’s the only reason not to do it though! TBS: After your show is all said and done, what’s your beverage of choice? Simon: Alcoholic, vodka and soda. Non-alcoholic, ginger ale or Coke, not water.
UPCOMING RELEASES Jason Mraz - Love is a Four Letter Word Train - California 37
Neon Trees - Picture Show Yann Tiersen - Skyline
Jack White - Blunderbuss Carole King - Legendary Demos
Alex Clare -The Lateness of the Hour The Wanted - The Wanted
Crawford Falls Units Still Available! live somewhere you love next year!
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It’s Summertime Fashion!!! Black sheep staff wrote this
Don’t waste money on Vogue’s March issue; you can get all the spring fashion help you need right here! Why bother with a hundred pages of unaffordable clothing advertisements? Here at The Black Sheep, we are dedicated to giving you advice on this season’s trendiest threads. Follow these quick tips, and you’ll be looking hot for summer. The first thing every fashionista (or fashionisto) must do is buy everything at Forever 21. There’s a reason why there’s one located in every city! There’s no need to trudge through all of the racks— everything, and I mean everything, in the store is perfection. Try to stock up on timeless options like sequins and floral prints (a combination of both would be even better, and we’ll hit the neon colors later on!). You shouldn’t have any doubts in this store; everything will look great on the hanger, and even better on you! The denim suit is in. Whoever says denim on denim is a fashion faux pas, I say is wrong! Forget little black dresses—the Canadian suit is that timeless piece everyone needs in their wardrobe. The closercolor denims the better. I’m talking about dark on dark, or light on light. The goal is to make it actually look like a suit. Sure you can mix and match washes, but who is going to take you seriously? When summer comes, so does the hot weather, so it’s only natural to wear clothing that you feel comfortable in. See-through shirts (mesh and chiffon) are a great way to be cool and look good this spring. There’s no need to wear an undershirt—that defeats the whole purpose. Make sure you have a
nice bra underneath (preferably Victoria’s Secret Pink) because you want everyone to see your unmentionables. How else will everyone see that bra you shelled out 50 bucks for? Wear as many neon colors as possible. The goal is to get people to look past your insecurities and focus on the amount of brightness you’re donning from head to toe. You won’t even have to worry about makeup or hair as much, because everyone will be blinded by the flaming yellow that is your shirt. Ever have the urge to be the center of attention? Then this look is right for you. People won’t be able to keep their eyes off of you! They’ll be able to see you no matter where you go. If you do it right, you might even burn the image of your shirt into their retinas for life! Speaking of being comfortable but looking good, I have two words: short shorts. Better yet, just wear bathing suit bottoms. It gets hot in the summer, and that’s just nature telling you to wear as little as possible. Who cares if people can see your butt cheeks? Showing off your cheeks just means you’re confident! Follow these tips and everyone will be asking where you got that outfit, or at least wondering with envy. Don’t forget, ladies, you should always wear your pumps (neon would be great!) and have your hair and makeup done like you’re going to prom. You’ll be the talk of campus! So, what are you waiting for? Mosey on over to the mall and clear out all those shelves at Forever 21. YOLO!
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the madlib: a dubstep show
Hey __1__, have you heard of this new music, dubstep? I don’t know how I haven’t heard that shit before, it’s so __2__. Basically, it’s electronic music with these drops, which are instances where the musician makes a noise like two __3__ __4__. Have you heard of __5__? I really __6__ that guy. Last week __7__ asked me to a __8__ concert, so I __9__ went. When we arrived it was pretty obvious everyone was on __10__. There was a girl wearing a shiny __11__ that you could see under her light-up __12__. A guy with hair like a __13__ offered me some __14__, but when I saw his __15__ I was like, “no thanks, man.” So, during the concert this guy was doing this dance, it looked like he was trying to __16__and __17__ at the same time. I had to __18__ him, because he looked like __19__. Later that night some girl __20__on the dance floor. Everyone around her jumped they were so __21__. Eventually the show ended and we all went home, but I had such a __22__ time I couldn’t fall asleep until __23__.
1) Name 2) Adjective 3) Animal 4) Verb 5) Dubstep artist 6) Adjective 7) Name 8) Dubstep artist 9) Adjective 10) Drug 11) Clothing article 12) Clothing article
13) Clothing article 14) Noun 15) Body part 16) Dance move 17) Dance move 18) Verb 19) Noun 20) Verb 21) Adjective 22) Adjective 23) Time
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