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Volume 2, Issue 4 4/5/12 - 4/26/12
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You Know it’s Springtime on Campus when… Nicole Nader wrote this Spring break is what college life is all about. It is MTV’s Mecca. It is your parents’ biggest nightmare. And whether you go to Panama City, Cancun, or Myrtle Beach, you’re destined to have a ridiculously awesome time. It’s an intoxicating (and intoxicated) meat market of tight bodies looking to make memories hardly remembered. And there’s no bigger buzz kill than getting onto a plane or back into the car knowing that all you have waiting for you back at good ol’ UDel is that 15-page paper you were supposed to start writing back in February. You might not get to see hot white sand and bright blue water for miles and miles anymore, but there’s still two months left, and who says that have to suck entirely? After Thanksgiving break, or ever Christmas break, coming back to campus can be sort of a drag. Everything is cold, it’s always dark, and the raddest thing happening is finals. Not so with the post-spring break life, buddy. With summer right around the corner (just think of it as a 3-month long spring break trip), things start to change for the better. First, it’s the fashion trends. Say goodbye wearing leggings as pants, and hello to norts. Forget about tank tops with cardigans, welcome to crop tops and bandeaus. Main Street is flooded with iced coffees carried around by girls with skirts so short they’d make your mother blush. The Green becomes every college guy’s dream, girls in bikinis playing Frisbee, pick-up soccer, or just working on their sun-kissed glow. And every coffee shop is only making non-fat soy skinny lattes, without the whipped cream of course; after all it is bikini season. Like, duh. Secondly, with the higher temperatures and the ever-increasing fear of graduation, (or having to return home to a summer of parental bickering), the student body as a whole seems to have a change of heart. Guys and gals become more and more desperate to enjoy what they have left of the semester. You’ll notice that your 2 p.m. American Lit class becoming emptier as the weeks go by, until your professors are smart enough to start holding class outside. Every other week you’re getting another Facebook invitation to a freshman floor/study abroad bar crawl or your friend’s roommate’s cousin’s boyfriend’s 21st birthday…. and you go to all of them, obviously.
semester’s home stretch. When Ryan cheated on Becca over spring break things were dunzo, and for real this time. Now Becca wants to make Ryan jealous, so she’ll openly flirt with anything with a third leg. At the same time Ryan wants Becca to understand that he’s totally not jealous, so hey, you have boobs, wanna screw? Beyond that, single seniors are trying to check off those final items on their bucket list—sex in the dorms one last time, or maybe some erotic experience utilizing a pizza from Grotto. In short, it’s a good time to get laid, especially if you’re a pizza.
With the first two heralds of spring in the books, there’s also the rampant promiscuity that presents itself during spring
Finally, the spring season always hosts an abundance of tours of overeager high school kids and overtly terrified parents. Imagine an innocent walk down Main Street meets Overheard at
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UDel. Don’t know what I mean? Next time you see a tour, walk by and loudly but casually say, “And so that’s when the cops showed up, so I took one last hit, jumped off the roof and ran… still not sure where my pants ended up.” The looks will be absolutely priceless. So forget about post-spring break depression and make the best of what’s left to come, whether you’ve got six more semesters or this is your last one. Skip class, party in the middle of the day, put on a bikini and tell horror stories in earshot of tours as you lay out on the Green. Sure, you’ve got that 15-page paper to write, and sure, finals are somewhat important too; just don’t forget, the work never ends, but college certainly does.
The biggest fail would be no house parties at all.
The most important discussion of all time, ever.
A look back on where some of the world’s unique personalities got their start.
see page 4
see page 5
see page 7
The Wins and Fails of House Parties
The Great Burrito Debate
Who Were They Then?
Table of > > > PAGE 6>>>
contents
Essential Apps for Your Life
Want something before your entrée comes out? We’ve got an app for that.
PAGE 7>>
The Top Ten
page 11>>
We Interview: Bad Veins
page 12 >>
The Black Sheep Dictionary
page 13 >>
Bartender of the Issue
6
Worst Mother’s Day Gifts, excluding you, because you’re perfect.
These Cincinnati rockers chatted with us about their new album and their sweet veins.
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page three
pic of the week >>> Bass Campus:
Deltronica’s Free Electronic Music Festival
You can’t escape the house movement at Delaware. Neither can The Black Sheep. We’re proud to be a partner in the latest electronic music event: Bass Campus, a free music festival hosted by Deltronica. Bass Campus will feature live electronic music, jam band performances, a silent disco, an inflatable water slide, art exhibits, face painting, tie dying, and morning and evening yoga sessions. While it’s hard to picture doing yoga to dubstep with a tiger painted on your face, one can imagine it will be quite interesting. Starting the rage on the Independence turf on Saturday April 14th at noon, the party will carry on till 10 p.m. Delectronica, founded in March 2011 by Joe Vela and A.J. DiBiase, members of the Newark-based band Tweed, hopes to spread their passion for electronic music and foster creative music growth in the minds of Delaware bros and gals. Tweed will perform on the Bass Campus main stage along with BioDiesel, SonicSpank, D.V.S., Dirty Paris, Grimace Federation, Space Jesus, Racket Boys, and CommonRoom. There will also be a Silent Disco with 10 of the best local DJs. According to Wikipedia, silent discos involve: “Those without the headphones hear no music, giving the effect of a room full of people dancing to nothing.” If I wasn’t already convinced, I am now. Want another incentive? TBS is bringing bags full of free Black Sheep SWAGkoozies, beer bottle openers, etc.! Electronic music lovers unite!
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The mental transformation a young man goes through the moment they officially join a fraternity. Though Doug had never liked the taste of beer, the second he joined Gamma Eta Beta he drank Keystone Light like water.
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The Wins and Fails of House Parties elise barbeau wrote this
A house party is a great way to either make an ass of yourself, or go down in history as a legend that fits in perfectly with a certain Asher Roth tune. So what makes or breaks your rep at a house party? Here we list the Wins and Fails that can help you on your way to becoming the next Van Wilder. WIN: Pregame. Hard. FAIL: Have your night revolve around a keg. While it seems like a good idea to take advantage of free beer, it’s wiser to show up two sheets to the wind. If you don’t you’ll end up circling the keg all night like a drunk vulture waiting for the tap to spit out its watery goodness. WIN: Rooftop partying. FAIL: Sitting down. Sitting down at a house party is a blemish on your street cred and an insult to your friends who are clearly more fun than you. Besides, have you ever seen a party house in the daylight the morning after? Instead, attempt to get on the roof. According to one Delaware student “the higher up from the ground you are, the more fun you’re having. It’s a proven fact.” So climb on up and let loose. WIN: Acquiring a small souvenir. FAIL: Stealing shit. Everyone loves a good souvenir. When at a house party, try to take something you and your friends can laugh about later, such as a funny hat or party prop. However, there is a fine line between taking a fun reminder of a crazy night and becoming a burglar. I once was at a
party where a shower head was stolen. Funny, but extreme. Only permanently borrow things that won’t be missed and are of little monetary value. WIN: Dancing like a fool. FAIL: Grinding like your life depends on it. The key to dancing at a dance party is to make everyone else there think that you and your friends are having the most fun. So go ahead, mix in the robot with some hipper dance moves. It keeps the mood light and shows people that you have a sense of humor. Do not grind ferociously with a dance partner. This, when done too savagely, is immature and better left for more private quarters. Get a room people. WIN: Dressing for a heat wave. FAIL: Dressing for New York City nightlife. It’s smart to dress lighter than you would on, say, a walk to class when you go to a house party. Basements and the like are always crowded and humid, so go with something breathable. There is no need, however, to dress like you are arriving at a club with Lady Gaga. We do, after all, go to school in an oft-forgotten state, and it’s better to just accept that than to look completely out of place. This goes for guys too. Please, leave the designer cardigan at home. WIN: Peeing before you leave. Several times. FAIL: Waiting in line for the foulest bathroom you’ll ever encounter. Lines suck, and they suck even more when nature calls. ALWAYS use the bathroom before you leave the pregame. Bathrooms at house parties are light on the toilet paper and heavy on mold. Also, NEVER
go number two at a house party. After all, no one likes a party pooper. Sure, there’s plenty of other lessons one can learn about house parties. For example, don’t invite George Clinton over to DJ. If the cops come just be cool. For more handy tips, we suggest you sit down and watch the heralded 1990 documentary House Party, available now on VHS AND Betamax!
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the great burrito debate nick schug wrote this
The economy is collapsing, the environment desperately cries out for help like someone wearing a visor, and the public’s confidence in the government continues to plummet. Thankfully, there’s one thing that remains constant. One thing that’s full of meats, cheeses, rice, beans, salsa, and wrapped in a warm doughy layer. No, it’s not Rush Limbaugh. It is the magnificent burrito. Burritos, also known as “Jesus Eggs” are the most important food in the history of the world. They were the reason the Army stormed the beaches at Normandy. I don’t think I’m overstating things here when I say that burritos are the lifeblood of the American economy and they may have singlehandedly ended the Cold War. When one arrives in Newark, they are presented with a countless number of dining options on Main Street (I counted, there’s actually about 30). The savvy shopper knows, however, that there are only two real contenders for Main Street’s coveted “King of All Food” title that I just made up right now in my head and then wrote down: California Tortilla or Chipotle. Their fate as enemies has been sealed ever since John Chipotle and Nathan Californiatortilla both started similar restaurants in 1892, after wounding each other in a shootout. California Tortilla and Chipotle have battled for burrito supremacy before, but now that they operate on the same street, the battle has become even more intense. I’m not passionate about many things. I’ve made donations to charity largely out of guilt and the only time I’ve ever marched on purpose was during a 5th grade theatrical production of The Music Man. When I saw that someone needed to report on this great rivalry though, my journalist instincts kicked in. I’ve even been described as the male Barbara Walters because I’m a dedicated reporter, very feeble, and I can’t pronounce words very well. After a careful
study of both burritos and many failed attempts at getting my research funded by the Delaware Science Department, I was ready to reveal my results. Am I a hero? Probably. Does it make me sound like a self-centered dick to answer my own questions? Of course, but I think we’ve both benefited from this experience, haven’t we? Yes. After exhaustive research I’ve determined the following: Chipotle has a very strange interior design. It looks like the end result of robots enslaving the entire human race, then going to IKEA. Cal-Tor’s decor is completely normal, but surroundings don’t matter when you’re hurriedly inhaling Mexican food and making little to no eye contact with everyone around you. Chipotle is quicker than Cal-Tor at preparing your food, and shows you the food as it is being made. One can only speculate what goes on behind the opaque sneeze guard of California Tortilla. Blood diamonds? Maybe. I’m pretty good at speculating. Chipotle’s food is certainly spicier than Cal-Tor’s, unless you use one of their hottest hot sauces, which I’m convinced are just decoratively labeled bottles of gasoline. My pick is Chipotle. Argue as much as you want but it will only make me more certain of my decision, like an opinionquicksand. Though both restaurants offer burritos the size of 11-month old babies, Chipotle’s offering is spicier and tastes fresher than the Prince of Bel-Air (Do NOT steal that objectively hilarious play on words from me). Unfortunately both burritos suffer from being overstuffed with rice and beans. Ah, if only John Chipotle and Nathan Californiatortilla could see where their respective franchises stood today. They’d be proud to find both of them profitable, still punching it out for Jesus Egg supremacy in Newark, Delaware. They’d also be racist, because, like, everyone in 1892 was racist.
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Worst Mother’s Day Gifts That magical time of year is right around the corner… you know, the one where you’re having a panic attack because tomorrow is Mother’s Day and you completely forgot that you didn’t enter the world via stork. So just in case you don’t have your shit together this May, here are a few helpful tips on things to avoid if you have any hopes of ever receiving a care package again: 10) Anything That Has Been Re-gifted: We’re not faulting you for not knowing your own Mother’s birthstone, only for overlooking the fact that she knows yours and it matches the one in the expensive earrings you “bought” for her. You may forget the month you were born, but she remembers the exact second you shot out into this world and pooped all over her dreams.
essential apps for your life
Megan walsh wrote this
There’s a lot to be said about the real world applications of smartphones. Aside from their uncanny ability to access the wonders of the world wide web from most anywhere in the civilized world, there are quite a few practical apps available to smartphone owners that make life just a little easier. There are also an unnecessary amount of dumb apps…and you don’t need to look far to find them. Want to simulate unzipping anonymous, gender-neutral pants? Download “Zips” fo’ free. Want your phone to declare aloud “You may start having sex”? Easy solution: download the “Passion” app. That said, there are the rare few apps that, upon first glance, may appear useless, but are in fact excellent discoveries. Here are a few gems I stumbled upon during my first foray into the app world.
like I’m hailing Hitler? Or is it more of a small wave? Taxi Hold ‘Em promises to make the process a bit simpler. There’s no way I’ll look like a tourist with this app on my side! Drunk Dialer: I imagined this to be some kind of sick game, but apparently it judges your ability to make embarrassing calls while simultaneously giving you a kind of sobriety test. This app makes the numbers bounce around on the screen causing any drunken individual to either give up or forget who they were calling in the first place. If you successfully dial the numbers, Drunk Dialer gives you permission to call that not-so-special-anymore someone like the responsible, sober friend you don’t have.
"if you want to be that guy who insists on figuring out the tip by yourself, by all means, proceed. itip is never wrong. technology is always right.”
Virtual Zippo Lighter: The Virtual Zippo App’s extremely simple concept often gives it a bad rap and may be cause it to be categorized among the likes of Zips. But don’t be fooled! There are situations in which a simulated lighter could be very useful. Let’s say, for instance, that you are at a concert and Florence/Eminem/Adam Levine asks you to wave those lighters in the air. But you’re terrified of an open flame so you don’t carry a lighter. You don’t want to disappoint Adam Levine! Panic sets in. Well panic no more, ‘cause you’ve got a flame on a touch screen. So don’t judge the lighter app.
Taxi Hold ‘Em: This app sounds like it might locate taxis or pull up the numbers of local transportation companies. Nope. It actually only displays the word TAXI in large block letters so you can lift your phone in the air to hail a cab instead of raising your hand. You may scoff at its simplicity but I know it has a practical use. You see, I have some anxiety when it comes to hailing cabs. I live in the most suburban of suburbs and I already have a minor fear of large crowds. Attempting to get the attention of cab drivers among hundreds of other pedestrians only enhances my fear and introduces yet another fear of looking like a foolish tourist. Do I snap? Raise my hand
iTip: I know what you’re saying: “You can’t just calculate the tip? Or better yet, do it in your head?” No, no I can’t. I’m an English major. I avoid even the simplest math at all costs. iTip lets me adjust the tip percentage or split the bill among multiple people. If you want to be that guy who insists on figuring it out yourself, by all means, proceed. We’ll all say behind your back that you miscalculated anyway. iTip is never wrong. Technology is always right. iPhone Blower: This app uses the iPhone’s built-in speakers to emit a small puff of air, enough to blow out candles, if you’re too lazy to do it yourself. But I think I could find some practical uses for it. What if you were stuck in the desert, paralyzed by heat and all you had on you was your iPhone? I’d like to feel a cool breeze right before I keeled over. How’s that for real world situation? There’s over 500,000 iPhone apps on the market today. While some like The Black Sheep’s are must-owns, and others, like the iFart app are a one-way ticket to social isolation. Then there’s the ones that best reflect college students, sometimes-stupid and marginally useful. They’re the ones that are barely worth getting out of bed for.
9) A Grandchild: Nobody likes being demoted from a MILF to a GILF before their time, so don’t make your mother suffer like Sarah Palin has; you never hear them writing songs about whether or not Stacy’s Grandma had it goin’ on. 8) A Self-Help Book: Wouldn’t it just be easier to write her a card that says: “Dear Mom, don’t jump.”? 7) Ludacris CD: This, nor any other music of the rap persuasion, is an appropriate gift unless you have always wanted to witness your mother: 1) wear a doo-rag at the dinner table, 2) attempt to “make it rain” for the pizza delivery guy’s tip, or 3) tell you to “back dat ass up or you will be grounded.” 6) Lingerie: As scarring as it would be to shop for any clothing for your mother,it would be wise to pick an alternative gift before you find yourself trying to choose between the black, lacy, 34C push-up bra and therapy. 5) Household Appliances: Nothing says “I notice you’ve been spending a lot of time outside of the kitchen lately and I seriously disapprove” like a household appliance. Wouldn’t it just be simpler to tether her right leg to the dishwasher, her left leg to the washing machine and let nature take its course? 4) A “Shopping Companion” You Found on Craigslist: While you may think it would be a great idea for your mom to finally have someone else to drag to Nordstrom’s on a Friday night, unfortunately on Craigslist the words “shopping” and“companion” include, but are not limited to: prostitutes, kleptomaniacs, and those people who consider it socially acceptable to “sample” roll-on deodorant in the store. 3) Coupon for a Hug: Okay, we understand that as a college student, your funds are lower than the ratings for Two and a Half Men sans the “bi-winning”, coke-fueled womanizer. However; that does not excuse you from trying to convince yourself this is “the gift that keeps on giving” unless you’re prepared for your next birthday present to look something like a coupon for you to start paying your own phone bill. 2) Subscription to Jenny Craig: We understand that you meant well by giving your mother the greatest joy a woman can experience : chocolate deprivation, muffin-topping in Spanx, and shedding 10 lbs. for the husband who failed to notice when she made the switch from brunette to platinum blonde. Unfortunately,this misguided attempt at a gift will only backfire in a clusterfuck so large, even Kirstie Alley couldn’t eat all of it. 1) A Coffin: Short of leaving a flaming bag of feces on your mom’s doorstep, this is literally the worst gift you could possibly give her. If I need to offer any further explanation on this, then you’re just an asshole.
kim hogan wrote this
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Who Were They Then? Balthazar, Seer of the Future wrote this Whether it’s stereotyping or speculation, students always think they know how their peers will turn out. Most assume a Comm major sorostitue is going to end up a housewife, or the English major will be the failed novelist barista at your coffee house du jour. But we never look at the other side of the coin, we never consider a homeless person or a social worker and speculate what kind of person they were in college. High School Gym Teacher: The Intramural Hero - This guy was Delaware’s wanna-be Joe Flacco - missing passes, spraining an ankle and still getting ass because he benched, like, “totally 300.” Never able to get over the crushing losses only he truly cared about, he’s back to where his talents shine brightest: hitting on underage girls and making nerdy kids regret the day they dare step on the dodgeball court. Policeman: The Frat Star - Too often it seems like the inmates are running the asylum. Look at police forces around the nation; they love to get fucked up once a shift’s over. When they’re at work they bully people, and use their authority to their advantage. Sound like a fratstar? Unlike the preppy mamma’s boys of, let’s say, Gamma Alpha Gamma, this guy is a little rougher around the edges, failing classes here and there, smoking weed every day and slamming beers in the front lawn kiddie pool. His attitude about life is “fuck it” until he realizes he may end up homeless unless he gets his shit together, becoming the very thing he hated. Graphic Designers: Hipster - Graphic designers dress in wacky clothes. They wear glasses even though they don’t need pre-
scriptions. They scoff at stuff they consider too mainstream, but buy Apple products like it’s their job. They make their kids take yoga classes instead of joining a football league and they redecorate their homes quarterly. At least their kids get awesome birthday cards. The Super Snotty Corporate Guy: The Ultra-Liberal Hippie The same guy who was all “Kony 2012”, “Save the Planet” and “Recycling is Cool” in college woke up one morning in his unheated loft and realized he needed to make money. Not some money, but all the money. After burning his pot, his incense and his hemp clothing in one ritualistic pyre, he enrolled in a business college. Now he’d kick a protester if he wasn’t worried about it scuffing his $700 shoes. World Traveler: Jesus Freak - The one girl in your sorority who was kind enough to always play the role of designated driver. She’d never push her beliefs off on others, but was always the first one up and out the door on Sunday morning—passing on the brunch to get filled with the lord’s warm, gooey goodness. Since graduation she’s given up worshiping one god, choosing instead to discover spirituality, whether it’s in Phuket, Thailand or Jerusalem.
was pleasure, and now she’s the girl with “exit only” tattooed above her butthole.
Tattoo Parlor Junkie: Committed Woman - The insane lady who committed to spending all of high school and college dating the same guy, only to be mind-fucked when he broke up with her a day before graduation. She was so upset that her dream of having 14 kids with names starting with “G” was crushed; she decided to ink their names on her back. The pain
If you went to college to become a doctor, too bad, you’ll end up addicted to prescription meds, wasting the day forgetting about your student loans. If you run shit at Delaware now, you’ll run it forever as the hot mail man that sleeps with the MILFs of Newark. Hey, it’s good to have goals. Mostly so you can’t reach them.
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Sweeps Season:
With sweeps season upon us we decided to highlight the best, the worst and the rest of first-season shows the only way we know how: In the most juvenile way possible.
Happy Endings (ABC) In a sentence: Attractive twenty-somethings act like attractive twenty-somethings.
Marry, Bang, Kill Edition
Marry!
The show is full of plausible scenarios executed in funny ways. Remember early episodes of How I Met Your Mother, before you just wanted the damn show to end so Ted Mosby could just get on with his miserable life? That’s Happy Endings now. It shows how goofy assumedly normal people can be in
Why we’re proposing: Sure, you may not like Zooey Deschanel. “She’s too purposely quirky!” you say. “Even when she’s supposed to be upset, she comes off like a sad koala!” says another person. “Her acting skills are ruff at best!” says the dog TV critic. To you we say, “Who gives a shit?”
their private lives. Not all investment bankers are huge dicks? You don’t say! A food truck owner that doesn’t have to be some overly-quirky buffoon hellbend on remaining that way? Zuh? A comedy based in reality, teased out to be funny? Well, we’ll be damned.
Person of Interest (CBS) Bang! In a sentence: The weird guy from Lost hires Jesus to kick some ass and take some names.
Altruistic genius billionaire conceives of a way to identify villains and victims prior to crimes being committed. As a result, he hires an ex-CIA field officer It’s certainly a lot closer than one would think. Yet, the show kinda-sorta works. Person of Interto take care of his dirty work. est sticks closely to its premise, is well-casted, and presents interesting scenarios with each new Or, episode. It’s not perfect, but there are a lot of hours to fill in a programming schedule, and to fill Well-endowed lesbian nuns fly armed-to-the-teeth cyborg dragons through space in an attempt to rid the them without making the viewer want to throw their remote through the TV with disgust is certain universe of alien pedophiles. worthy of some praise.
2 Broke Girls (CBS)
Kill!
There’s the flat premise: Life is hard for two gals just a-tryin to make it in the big city, LOL! There’s the oddly racist ensemble cast featuring
Or, think about it this way: Without Miss. D. New Girl would be terrible. Replace her with Laura Prepon? Horrible. Jenna Fischer? Surely you jest! That one girl from that other thing? No way! The show isn’t terrible, and we can all thank her for that. Heil, er…thanks, Zooey!
Up All Night (NBC)
Bang!
But strip those cast members away and look at where Up All Night stands right now. Eh. Maybe it’s the subject matter—it’s hard to relate to the perils of child rearing when you haven’t done it yourself. Like a clown falling off the Empire State Building, we know that the situations the couple is led into should be funny, but when face meets pavement it’s a sad, empty feeling more than it is a laugh.
Premise: The parents cope with traveling with a child for the first time. Moral: Don’t have kids if you like seeing cool shit.
Seriously, look at the premise of two episodes, and the moral each story:
This was supposed to be a comedy, right?
Premise: After the baby, the marriage is lacking in sex. Moral: Do you like sex? Don’t have kids.
Alcatraz (Fox) In a sentence: Hey look, someone thought the fat guy from Lost deserved his own TV show!
Why it should die: Though we respect the religious beliefs of others, we find it impossible to come to terms with the idea that one could believe in a higher power in light of 2 Broke Girls’ existence.
There’s the stale jokes: Kat Dennings has big boobs! The other girl is blonde! Creeps! Horndogs!
uh…didn’t work so we—Zooey Deschanel, everyone!
Why we want to bang it: Will Arnett gets a lifetime pass for Arrested Development, Christina Applegate is above average in everything she stars in, and Maya Rudolph has a strong enough comedy portfolio to make us believe that this show has the potential to go beyond where it is now.
Which of the following shows maintains a more likely premise:
That may sound a little harsh, but the show is truly an affront to whichever god you worship.
New Girl is the perfect vehicle for all of Zooey Deschanel’s wild, wacky quirks. She manages to evoke grins, giggles and guffaws in equal doses simply by being herself. Seriously, she’s so stinkin’ adorable that we can’t control our childish choice to chain words together into alliterative sentences. What else does that work with? Let’s find out: The cute and cuddly kitten clawed clumsily at the creased corduroys. How adorable! On the other hand: Hitler happily high-fived his henchmen, hearing of the Hebrew Holocaust. That…
In a sentence: Wait, someone explain to us why people have children?
Why we want to bang it: In short, few shows get as much mileage out of willful suspension of disbelief as Person of Interest does.
In a sentence: Hot girls make fun of vaguelydefined stereotypes while looking hot, just like high school!
Marry!
In a sentence: Aww…Zooey Deschanel!
Why we’re proposing: Yes, we’re kinda cheating with a show that technically debuted a year ago, but the fall schedule offered Happy Endings its first chance at a full-slate season. This is a good thing. Happy Endings is ridiculous in how ridiculous it isn’t. The show refuses to get by on lame comedy gags and overdone tropes, and manages to find humor in having the characters act in a way that people actually act, but funnier.
New Girl (FOX)
Kill!
Why it should die: Alcatraz is little more than an extravagant mad lib done up with dark undertones and pseudo-science writing in an attempt to lure in a sizable chunk of Lost fans fiending for another psychodrama fix.
a nerdy Asian, a creepy Eastern European cook and the token black guy. Then there’s the laugh track. Nothing says, “We think the show’s demographic is a group of vegetative-state slapdicks,” like a laugh track. It’s like the producers are screaming, “She spilled soup on her tits, laugh, monkeys! Do it now so Chevy will buy some more truckin’ ads!”
One can easily picture the writing room, a bunch of suits lording over feeble, weak-willed writers willing to put pen to paper for a quick paycheck. Every time a writer submits a draft, it’s sent back moments later with notes littered with impossible-to-decipher demands like, “needs more intrigue” or “lacking techno mumbo-jumbo.” The end result is a show that just kind of exists for the sake of existing. To make a food allegory that only Hurley could love, it would be like ten chefs
trying to cook the same steak. Each one would try to improve the cut of meat in their own way. One would broil it. Another would move it to a grill, someone would try to pan fry it. In the end, it’s a charred husk of its former self. At this point the guests don’t want to eat it, but they’re thinking, “Well, we already drove here, why the hell not?”
the music page
the black sheep interviews:
Bad Veins
Bad Veins, a rock duo hailing from lovely Cincinnati, Ohio, are an up-and coming band known for melding a unique sound with pop sensibility. Frontman Benjamin Davis chatted with us about just that prior to the release of their album, The Mess We Made, debuting on April 24th. The Black Sheep: Your new album, The Mess We’ve Made, drops on April 24th. How did, or how does, the creative process work in a band that only has two members? Benjamin Davis: Well, that’s a loaded question. I think that a four-piece band would be a lot different from how we do it. Undeniably, I am a control freak, and I have my hand in everything. That’s even true with [drummer] Sebastien’s work. With just us two, we talk openly about ideas all the time, and I have to try to create room for him to be creative. TBS: Bad Veins was intended to be a solo project for you, but you later found Sebastien and wanted him to be a part of the work, correct? Ben: Yeah. For me, he had the work ethic I was looking for in a bandmate. A lot of people don’t believe that one could be a musician for a living, and they don’t understand the baby steps a group needs to take to get there. There’s that old saying, “The difference between a goal and a dream is a plan.” I feel like most people don’t have that plan, and a lot of other bands think, “Well, we’ll never be big, so why practice?” Sebastien saw that there are achievable goals and wants to put in the work to make it happen. That’s a rare trait in a person.
cd review
out now
Of monsters and men My Head is an Animal Of Monsters and Men and Awesome Indie Rock Tunes. As far as common knowledge goes, there are a few things (pretty much) everyone knows about Iceland: Weirdo singer Bjork hails from there. Pitchfork-loved Sigur Ros is from there too. The last fun fact is that Greenland is actually the one covered in ice and Iceland is still cold, but not as icy cold. Boom! Knowledge bomb. While all three of those things may be confusing to a simple American, there is one Icelandic thing that makes total sense: Of Monsters and Men. Upon first listen, you wouldn’t think of them as a “foreign” band or something entirely unusual. They’re quintessential indie folk; they’re blending intense moments of serious passion into each track while also sounding beautiful and comforting. These guys had been making music separately for many years until they came together in 2010 to enter (wait for it!) Músíktilraunir (Icelandic Idol if you will), but surely much cooler –
and won the darn thing. They became a hit in Iceland, and got signed to a major record label where they released My Head is an Animal in the US, out now. The entire album has that epic, orchestral feel to it—like you’re listening to something real and important. Reminiscent of Beirut (but less circusy) and Florence + The Machine, Of Monsters and Men is solid emotional indie rock that translates to American ears. Their first single is “Little Talks,” a fast paced number with true enthusiasm. With both abstract and somehow hauntingly familiar lyrics like “there’s an old voice in my head / that’s holding me back / well tell her that I miss our little talks,” it only seems right that if anyone can accurately describe how my weird self is feeling, it’s an honest Nordic. My Head is an Animal flows on in with similar slightly-sad notes, but
GRADE B+
doesn’t become too depressing. Tunes like “King and Lionheart” and “Your Bones” are both impressive songs that find that fine line between passion and depression without crossing it. “Numb Bears” is a nice little track that I particularly enjoy—more on the upbeat, light-hearted side and a refreshing change. Plus, I love the way “numb bears” sounds when spoken aloud. Now, if these Europeans don’t get crushed by American fame they’ll have a chance to stick around for awhile on this side of the pond. Hopefully they can stay humble, continue to make awesome music, and become the first entity synonymous with Iceland that makes some sense. Sounds Like: Unbeknownst NordicEuropean melancholy indie rock. Download: Little Talks, Numb Bears, Your Bones Listen to it When: It’s raining, and you’re not sad, but that springtime rain, man, it gets ya down.
TBS: You talk about having your hand in a lot of the music behind this band, but how has Sebastien’s presence shaped the group? Ben: What Seb brings to the band is incredible, because I would not or could not do what we do without him. I often compare him to the Muppet Animal. They’re both drummers, they’re both crazy and if you add an Animal to your band, you’d have to keep them under control, making sure that they’re fitting into the world you’re working in. TBS: How do you view your new album in light of your other work? Ben: I don’t think that our dynamic has changed between the first two records— we approach making music the same way. On this album, though, I had a lot more attention to detail, and there’s a lot more to listen to—to wrap your brain around—and that’s largely because I spent more time composing and arranging on this album. TBS: How do you strike the balance between doing right by your fans and maintaining a fresh sound? Ben: Seb and I both really love pop music. We like rock—when we’re on tour we’ll have some Zeppelin or some Sabbath—but we’ll also get into Katy Perry or Fleetwood Mac. Anything that has accessibility and pop sensibility we like. I feel like I have to make that music, and coincidentally other people seem to like it. So, the harder I work at my craft, the closer I actually get to pop music. TBS: You won the Target Music Maker Award, as well as a few other accolades. How do you qualify that in your terms of success? Ben: I definitely don’t revel in awards. If anything I’m cursed with the “now what?” syndrome, where I can never enjoy anything because I want to figure out what’s next. Sometimes that’s good—it keeps you going and makes you want to get better, but at the same time you never enjoy it. TBS: When you tour do you find you have a hard time translating your sound? Ben: We use the old binary reel-to-reel tape deck and we place it center stage for a live show. So, while we’re not trying to recreate the album live, the elements of it are there. We don’t try to trick anyone into thinking we’re reproducing the sound ourselves, though. TBS: And what are one of these live shows like? Ben: You should expect to hear things you don’t normally hear, because of the backing tracks we choose to use. Harps, woodwinds, brass, lush arrangements to flesh out the music. Now you don’t see that stuff a lot.
UPCOMING RELEASES Rascal Flatts - Changed Wilson Phillips - Dedicated
Dr. John - Locked Down Marvin Sapp - I Win
High on Fire - De Vermis Mysteriis SHINee - Sherlock
MxPx - Plans Within Plans Obie Trice - Bottoms Up
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the black sheep dictionary
black sheep staff wrote this
There are some nights that are simply too fun to describe with boring Webster words. Likewise, there are some things too unspeakably heinous to describe with standard vernacular. There are some people too stupid or otherwise unpleasant to belittle with basic curse words. For these moments in your collegiate life, look no further than The Black Sheep Dictionary. Edited with a magic marker, scrawled upon the backs of a pizza box and first published two days ago, it’s the modern student’s go-to handbook for relatable vocabulary. Jrunk (adjective): A modified version of “drunk,” the level of intoxication one unit above “white girl wasted.” Used to express the highest level of intoxication in the sorority community. I had like, a billion shots at Klondike Kate’s. I’m so jrunk right now, guys. Can we get Jersey Mikes? Productive Skipping (verb): The act of skipping class on the day of a quiz or test one is unprepared for with hopes that increased study time will lead to a high score on the make-up. My productive skipping of BIO turned into me going to Grotto for pizza. Alone. Nojob (noun): Oral sex lacking in quality and pleasure due to improper technique or intoxication, generally unpleasant and resulting in cancelation of said act. Man, last night was brutal—that girl I met out last night
tried to give me head,but it turned out to be a nojob all because of that last Red Headed Slut shot. TomTom (noun): Similar in nature to a nojob, but for the female anatomy; a noun describing the lackluster giver. Your friend was a total dud in bed. He tried going down on me, but he was so lost down there he needed a fucking GPS. Total TomTom. Blank Chat (verb): To converse with a past acquaintance without knowing said person’s name. Blank Chats usually last up to five minutes, but can sometimes exceed the half-hour margin. (See: Quick Sand Dan). Man, I had the most uncomfortable Blank Chat with that guy who took me to 1/2 price steak night at Catherine Rooney’s for our first date while we were waiting to talk to our advisers. He smelled like ground beef so badly I couldn’t remember his name. Quick Sand Dan(ielle) (noun): An acquaintance with which one has no interest in speaking with, yet can pull people around him/her into conversation with little intention to have a swift exchange. Tina, you need to save me— I’m stuck at Kildaire’s with Quick Sand Dan. The harder I try to get out, the more drinks he buys.
Threshold (noun): The feeling an individual experiences when reaching the peak of inebriation. The threshold can occur due to alcohol or a mixture of intoxicants; known in the 90s as “the spins.” Whoa, brah, think I just hit the threshold with that last bong rip. McBitchin’ (noun): The combination of a McChicken and a McDouble. Bro, McDonald's is open 24 hours, let’s just go get a McBitchin’ and go to bed. Dibs on the top bunk. This is just an excerpt of the volumes upon volumes of vocabulary genius that The Black Sheep dictionary holds. The good news is: You can own your own copy today for just three easy payments of $19.95. Or two cases of beer.
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the crossword: reality tv
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Across Joe Rogan is back and grosser than ever! (2 Words) This show is watching you. (2 Words) "Ron, why you a-gotta make ya mamma so sad? She make-a you Managing Editor a spicy meat-a-ball!" (2 Words) Wight A hyper man and a Stephanie fat man walk into a barn... (2 Words) This fashion show would forceManager you Advertising to get rid of all your barcrawl Jess Spier shirts. (4 Words) In the grim darkness without Writers Contributing electricity, there is Walsh only Jeff Megan | Brittany Barkes Probst. Nora Carnevale The cast of this reality show| Elise Barbeau Hewett | Kim Hogan probably picksJason up crabs in port, too. (2 Words)Nick Schug | Nicole Nadler Proof that white trash buys and sells regular trash. (2 Words) Glorifying unprotected sex since marketing managers 2009! (2 Words) Rebecca Garcia Yo, we put a clue in your clue so Jess Spier you can read this clue while you read clues. (3 Words)
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across: 3) Joe Rogan is back and grosser than ever! (2 words) 6) This show is watching you. (2 words) 8) “Ron, why you a-gotta make ya mamma so sad? She make-a you a spicy meat-a-ball!” (2 words) 9) A hyper man and a fat man walk into a barn... (2 words) 10) This fashion show would force you to get rid of all your bar crawl shirts. (4 words) 13) In the grim darkness without electricity, there is only Jeff Probst.
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Down 1 Are you going to take 1,000 copies of this paper and hide them in your house for 25 years? 2 This four-letter word let your partner know the date was over. 4 To the Klu Klux Klan, an alternate answer would be "white people." (2 Words) 5 Dave Chappelle lampooned this show by letting the world know, "Katie had some big-ass tittays." (2 Words) 7 This show got a spin-off titled "Deadliest Roads." (3 Words) 11 ...and the winner is...Kris Allen? (2 Words) 12 Every rose has its thorn, every dude on this show's a douchebag. (2 Words) 14 Pack your knives and go if you don't watch this show. (2 Words)
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Across 3 Joe Rogan is back and grosser than ever! (2 Words) 6 This show is watching you. (2 Words) 8 "Ron, why you a-gotta make ya mamma so sad? She make-a you a spicy meat-a-ball!" (2 Words) 9 A hyper man and a fat man walk into a barn... (2 Words) 10 This fashion show would force you to get rid of all your barcrawl shirts. (4 Words) 13 In the grim darkness without electricity, there is only Jeff Probst. 15 The cast of this reality show probably picks up crabs in port, too. (2 Words) 16 Proof that white trash buys and sells regular trash. (2 Words) 17 Glorifying unprotected sex since 2009! (2 Words) 18 Yo, we put a clue in your clue so you can read this clue while you read clues. (3 Words)
1
the clues 15) The cast of this reality show probably picks up crabs in port, too. (2 words) 16) Proof that white trash buys and sells regular trash. (2 words) 16) Proof that white trash buys and sells regular trash. (2 words) 17) Glorifying unprotected sex since 2009! (2 words) 18) Yo, we put a clue in your clue so you can read this clue while read clues. (3 words) DOWN: 1) Are you going to take 1,000 copies of this paper and hide them in your house for 25 years? 2) This four-letter word let your partner know the date was over. 4) To the Klu Klux Klan, an alternate answer would be “white people.” (2 words) 5) Dave Chappelle lampooned this show by letting the world know, “Katie has some big-ass tittays.” (2 words) 7) This show got a spin-off titles “Deadliest Roads.” (3 words) 11) ... and the winner is... Kris Allen? (2 words) 12) Every rose has its thorn, every dude on this show’s a douchebag. (2 words) 14) Pack your knives and go if you don’t want this show. (2 words)
Down Are you going to take 1,000 copies of this paper and hide them in your house for 25 years? 2 This four-letter word let your partner know the date was over. 4 To the Klu Klux Klan, an alternate Distribution Team (2 answer would be "white people." Words)Stephanie Wight (Manager) Bryan Rude (Helper) 5 Dave Chappelle lampooned this show by letting the world know, "Katie had campus some big-ass tittays." (2 director Words) Brendan Bonham 7 This show got a spin-off titled "Deadliest Roads." (3 Words) Founders 11 ...and the winner is...Kris Allen? (2 Stephanie Wight Words) Brendan Bonham 12 Every rose has its thorn, every dude Atish Doshi (2 on this show's a douchebag. Heather-Jo Erickson Words) Jimmy DeBlasio 14 Pack your knives and go if you don't watch this show. (2 Sommers Words) Jessica 1
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the madlib: an intervention
1) Name 2) Noun 3) Parent 4) Verb (-ing) 5) Noun 6) Body part 7) Name 8) Verb (-ing) 9) Noun 10) Noun 11) Noun 12) Name in #1 13) Distant relative
__1__, come here, I think it’s time that you and I talked about your __2__ problem. I think—everyone here thinks—that this has turned into a full-fledged addiction. I’ve got everyone here. Your __3__ is concerned that you keep __4__ __5__ in your __6__, and your childhood friend, __7__, wants to share with you a childhood memory where he walked in on you __8__ a __9__ into a __10__so you could sell it for __11__. And __12__, here’s your __13__. He just doesn’t understand how you could __14__ in __15__ and enjoy it. Before we get going, I just want you to know that we all love you. But this is where things get real. If you don’t choose to stop __16__ yourself, then I don’t think we can be friends anymore. I’ll stop coming over every __17__ to help you build __18__ out of __19__ we found in __20__. I’ll stop letting you borrow my __21__ so you can __22__ it in your __23__. I’ll…man, I told myself I wasn’t going to cry. Wait, where are you going? What do you mean I’m the one with the problem!? No, it’s totally normal that I __24__ __25__ for money. __26__, you’re the addict! Don’t go!
14) Verb 15) Noun 16) Verb (-ing) 17) Day of the week 18) Noun 19) Material 20) Place 21) Noun 22) Verb 23) Body part 24) Verb 25) Noun 26) Name in #1
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