Volume 1, Issue 3 | 10/06/11 - 10/27/11 | WWW.THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
The
F th ree.. ere .lik on e th th at e t dr abl ink e... rig gra ht b it !
Black Sheep
“A College Newspaper That’s Actually About College”
Construction Site to Be Completed A Month after You Graduate Jason Montes wrote this
Free weed! Screw Tim Tebow! Amanda Cerny and Jenn Sterger dressed in French maid lingerie with bunny headbands having a vicious pillow fight over a kiddie pool full of hot crispy bacon. Now that I have your attention let’s get to the issue at hand: campus construction. Hearing drills go off during lecture is more annoying than that girl trying to suck up to your professor with her poorly-formed opinions. The dusty sidewalks, fenced-off shortcuts, and creepy construction workers are never ending like the swarm of I-10 Lovebugs that splat on your windshield and stain your grill. (Fun Fact: The Lovebug was genetically engineered in a UF laboratory. It’s another reason why all Gators should be stabbed in the neck with a knife.) Some sites currently under construction include The Wellness Center, Wildwood Phase II, and the 6th parking structure being built on Dunwoody. Heh, heh, woody. These projects are expected to be completed when Michele Bachmann is President. The slow speed is actually quite impressive when you think about it. For example, it took ten months to complete The Wizarding World of Harry Potter in Universal Orlando, while it took two years to renovate the Johnston building. Now don’t get me wrong: I’m all up for having romantic brick architecture, beautiful fountains, and excessive clock lamp posts. Florida State University does a decent job of providing students with clean classrooms and being proactive when it comes to updating technology. We also have many recreational places that other schools would kill for, like The Rez and our award winning IM fields. In the spirit of overspending, The Seminole Boosters are on a campaign to give our football team an indoor practice facility
Other stuff
Inside
06: Padding Your Resume
It’s almost as easy as padding your bra. DID YOU HEAR THAT, CHARLOTTE?
that costs 15 million dollars. If our football team needs a place to retreat during a sun shower then I believe they should have it! However, plenty of other students wish that the money would be spent in a more practical way, such as better textbooks, increased professor salaries, or making Kellum Hall habitable. These students are not thinking about the bigger picture: National Championship. Indoor practice facility equals a dominant recruitment class which equals crystal trophy which equals big economy boost which equals Fuck Tim Tebow which equals city-wide party. Sorry Kellum residents, just remain strong, and remember at the end of every community shower there is a rainbow, a magical wonderful rainbow where a leprechaun on shrooms does a happy jig. (This is all true...) There are other times when FSU and Tallahassee gets it wrong. They fix what isn’t broken like turning the swimming pool into HCB and replacing Hardee’s with a Papa John’s. Why couldn’t they just put HCB in the Claude Pepper Museum? This building is dead space and not even Claude Pepper knows why it’s there. I’m also still fuming how they turned Park Avenue Diner into a Denny’s. They didn’t just strip away the restaurant’s throwback charm, but they bastardized it with corporate logos and contemporary interior. The Diner was the first and only diner on a college campus, a true FSU staple. It’s the classic dishes like the freshman fifteen (15 scoops of ice-cream), the Undecided (mozzarella sticks, chicken fingers, and onion rings), and the Seminole Sliders (all-youcould-eat food poisoning) which will be missed the most. RIP PAD. Maybe one day, they’ll build a jukebox statue in your honor.
13: Pickin’ Up Chicks
we let one of our female writers tell you how to do it, bro
14: top 10
Reasons I’m not a hipster...and yes, it’s because i own a hairbrush...
Page two
Pic
of the
Issue!
think your caption is good enough for page two? Prove it: caption@theblacksheeponline.com
SEND IN YOUR PARTY PICTURES pics@theblacksheeponline.com or upload them at theblacksheeponline.com
Download Our App!
For iPhone and Android Search Black Sheep Mobile
We are so confused and imp ressed at the same time...
! s m a r g a n A y Sex
Can you guess these hotties?
Send your answers to celebs@theblacksheeponline.com The first 5 right answers win prizes!
Word of the week Karatazer:
Cashmere Pollen
Drama Hot Shy
Submit your own word! word@theblacksheeponline.com
Definition: An easily-learned form of self-defense that involves pointing and shooting a tazer at someone. Sentence: “Jill was almost mugged last week, but she was cool under pressure, using her karatazer skills to take
down her assailant."
03
Meet The Staff!
Table of
contents
campus manager James Tufenkdjian Advertising Manager Skylar Fillmore editorial Manager Megan Fontaine distribution Manager Micheal Fury EDITOR Samantha Saletos Writers Chris Agri Harley Shine Stephanie Hernandez Samantha Malone Bryce Josepher
marketing team Ashley Tombrink Julia Bomfim campus director Brendan Bonham Founders James Tufenkdjian, Skylar Fillmore, Brendan Bonham, Atish Doshi, Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, and Jessica Sommers
Questions?
info@theblacksheeponline.com
Advertising?
ads@theblacksheeponline.com
page 4: Hall of Fame Walks of Shame Vol. II It’s always odd to wake up in a room full of strange men.
page 14: FSU Football After 2 losses, how to prepare for the rest of the season.
Page 5: Diary of a Designated Driver What the hell is a “designated driver”?
Page 16: the 14th minute Apparently these people are famous... we’re not sure why, but this is what we think.
Page 7: Telltale Signs of a Freshman Telltale Signs of a Freshman
page 17: We interview das racist Our chat with this hip-hop trio
Page 12: bartender of the Month Who’s making fun of Charlotte’s boobs?
Page 18: The puzzle Solve it and an amazing prize awaits!
Monday Night fo otball
OPEN AT 8:30PM F OR ALL THE GAME S! $5 AYCD | FREE PIZ ZA AT HALFTIME
wednesday - be ads for babes LADIES DRINK FR
EE ‘TIL 1AM | HOT 104.9 LIVE $4 BEER/LIQUOR P ITCHERS | $3 COVE R
SATURDAY - GET CRAZY! LADIES
DRINK FREE ‘TIL 1 AM $4 BEER/LIQUOR P ITCHERS | $3 COVE R
Get Ready!
BUD LIGHT BIKINI CONTEST ON NOV EMBER 5TH!
620 W Tennessee Street | Tallahassee
21+ | Always Party Responsibly - Never Drink & Drive BULLWINKLESSALOON.NET | FACEBOOK.COM/BULLWINKLES.SALOON | @BESTCOLLEGEBAR
04
From 'da Streets
Hall of Fame of Walks of Shame #2
“What sexual favors would you do for $100,000?”
Samantha Malone wrote this Nursing your hangover over some Bagel Bagel and trying to figure out what happened last night with your friends is a time-honored tradition for FSU students. Another timed-honored tradition is the infamous walk of shame. Mornings can be spent watching girls—and even sometimes a few guys—walking across campus with last night’s clothes on, looking dishevelled and trying to shield their eyes from the sun and the shame. Some walks are remembered forever. These stories are the triumphant adventures of men and women that are raging, one shacking session at a time. At night there’s nothing better than a slice of New Yorkstyle pizza. In the morning there’s nothing better than waking up in the penthouse suite of the W Hotel in Manhattan. Except maybe if you wake up in said penthouse next to some foreign guy you have no recollection of meeting, with no one you know and a bunch of other guys. Now you’re probably thinking, “This has gang rape written all over it.” You’d be wrong, this college co-ed wasn’t assaulted, drugged or stuck in the middle of some prostitution ring. The night before, she and a friend stumbled out of some New York City dive bar they found serving beers for a dollar, and the herpes on the toilet seats came for free. Lucky them. Beer for a dollar is a freaking miracle in any large American city, but the fact that they found this place was a sign from God; it was practically calling their names. They indulged in that beer miracle, kicking in shots of vodka and some blue energy drink that tasted like the Blue Man Group jizzed in it. Afterwards, they stumbled out of the bar looking for sustenance. Lo and behold, another miracle, praise God, pizza for a dollar a slice.
“I’d put myself in a three way.”
The next day her friend said it took the couple 30 minutes to walk the four blocks back to her apartment because she and the Australian couldn’t stop manhandling each other against various structures. Her friend also informed her that she wouldn’t stop yelling that she wanted to, “eat shrimp from the barbie off his abs” in her sad attempt at mimicking his accent, which sounded like a cross between Sean Connery and a white trash hick from Alabama. She was positive she wanted to hook up with this kid and tried to bring him back to her friend’s apartment. The friend, however, decided that this guy must be some kind of serial killer. This girl likes to think of herself as a pretty smart and careful person but she really didn’t see any harm at the time of going home with this guy. So, she bid her friend “G’day, mate!” and promised she would find my way back in the morning. They got a cab and headed to the Australian’s hotel. But this was not just any hotel, it turned out to be the penthouse suite at the W Hotel in Manhattan. The next thing she knew, it was the following morning and she was stumbling through the lobby, past all of the businessmen in their suits headed to their morning meetings, carrying her shoes and trying desperately to shove her sunglasses on her face. “Thank god for doormen,” she thought. That guy got her into a cab so fast you would have thought she was Julia Roberts and that she was claiming Richard Gere was her uncle. She says sometimes she still thinks about how lucky she was that the cab driver spoke English and that he knew where the NYU apartments were located.
"They indulged in that beer miracle, kicking in shots of vodka and some blue energy drink that tasted like the Blue Man Group jizzed in it”
She was now sitting at their table scarfing down slices so fast that she barely had time to feel the cheese burning the roof of her mouth. Then she heard the guys sitting next to them talking about their night. They’re Australian! When you’ve had a few there’s nothing more intoxicating and hilarious than a guy with an accent. She immediately vowed to hook up with one of them. She thought to herself “how could I pass up hearing a guy talk dirty to me in an accent?”
Jaspar S.
“I’d make out with a guy.”
Skip R.
“No comment. But I would streak across campus.”
All in all, she got hammered for under ten dollars, drunk ate for one dollar, and hooked up with a hot Australian in a penthouse suite without getting killed, or traded into the deep underbelly of New York sex trafficking. We’ll count that as a walk of shame win.
Got a great Walk of Shame Tale? Let us know: shame@theblacksheeponline.com
Russel S.
www.theblacksheeponline.com
Diary of a Designated Driver
05
J.N. Bordonaba wrote this stagger to their apartment, I hear my phone ring. Again. And my friends say I don’t get out enough. Being a designated driver isn’t a coveted role. It’s the job no one wants, and that’s exactly why I got stuck with it. But I’ve made the best of being the chauffeur for the severely intoxicated—I’ll even go so far as to say I’ve made it into an art. Here are some things I’ve learned along the way.
It’s two o’clock in the morning. It’s Ladies’ Night. I’m standing in front of Westcott Fountain, where moments ago I saw a pair of tipsy freshmen relieve themselves. By a nearby tree, a sorority girl sobs while her friend incoherently consoles her. Two women approach me, one stumbling in her sandals, the other one holding her shoes—no doubt for defensive purposes, the heels are pointy enough. “Are you the driver?” the barefoot one asks. I nod. She makes some comment about my cap with drunken derision. Her squealing friend steps into the fountain; I say nothing. We walk to my car, and I drive them home. As I watch them
Pimp Your Ride After being appointed “Designated Driver” by my friends, it was immediately pointed out to me that my car would be destroyed. But if my long tenure in the Hurl Scouts taught me anything, it was to always be prepared. My car is stockpiled with all of the the Designated Driver must-haves and then some: I’ve got bags, buckets, towels, blankets, ginger ale, water bottles, a Tears for Fears tape to keep anyone from getting too rowdy (as long as I don’t play “Shout”), and a bat, just in case I have to pull over in a particularly dangerous area (like a baseball field). Lay Down the Law It should go without saying that you’ve got to establish rules when pooling people around in your car, even if you’ve got to repeat them over and over to drunk, deafened ears. I limit it to simple Do’s and Don’ts, like DO tell me if you’re feeling sick, DO NOT attempt to give me directions, DO tell
AND GET E PURCHASE P E E H S PIP ACK F YOUR F N THE BL O IO % T 0 1 N E & M SCREENS E IP P E E R F
me if your buddy has managed to choke himself with his seatbelt, and DO NOT touch the radio (ever). Keep Score I’ve long since stopped actually participating in any of the festivities with my friends- all of the designated drivers just stand bitterly in the corner while their friends make fools of themselves. But one of the few benefits of a night out with your drunken friends is all of the blackmailing opportunities. With some sort of recording device in hand, get your roommate to promise to wash the dishes for the next month, your best friend to spill her deepest, darkest secrets, and take pictures of all the chicks your buddy is making out with while putting his girlfriend’s number on speed dial. Everyone’s got that one crazy story—me, I’ve got plenty. There’s the girl who smacked herself in the face with my car door and knocked out her tooth and the guy who fell out of the passenger side window while I was driving down Tennessee. I’ve had criers in the back seat, pukers hanging out the window, and couples having shouting matches in my car- all at the same time. But there’s some weird sense of accomplishment I get after helping the last barfly to their door, after their roommate drags them to the couch and tells me, “Gosh, you look like you need a drink.” “Can’t,” I’ll reply, tipping my cap. “I’m driving.”
scan the code
you’ll like it...
06
www.theblacksheeponline.com
SEX
so you think you can pick up and the u chicks? Ashley Romanowrote this
You might want to sit down for this one guys: asking a girl to go home with you right away doesn’t work. Call me old-fashioned, but I like to know a guy’s name before jumping in bed with him. I know there’s some of you out there saying, “Well, there was this one time it did work.” Two words can explain that: daddy issues. Unless you’re down with boning a schizo, there are a few things to learn. There’s something you can do before getting to the bar: don’t dress like a tool. No girl with half a brain wants to be seen talking to “that guy,” no matter what MTV says. If a girl gets a drink from a dude wearing a trucker cap, she’s probably going to take her free booze and “go to the bathroom.” Keeping it classy also includes not dousing yourself in cologne (or if you haven’t left middle school, Axe). Do yourself a favor and throw your Ed Hardy and Armani Exchange tees in a pile, spray them with your Axe reserves and light them on fire. First impressions are everything, and all but the trashiest walking STDs will do anything to avoid telling their friends the “but he was really nice” story. Once you’re in the bar, buy the girl a drink. Girls love getting free stuff, and the extra alcohol acts as padding against anything stupid you might say later. A sober girl wouldn’t handle someone saying, “She’s going to blow me later,” as well as a girl with a few gin and tonics in her would. It’s a win-win situation. Another easy box to check, is give the girl a compliment. Do you see a pattern developing? When guys make it seem like it’s all about the girl, it doesn’t look like a ploy to get her into the sack. Give a compliment about a girl’s smile and I guarantee the next thing
you hear will be the sound of panties dropping. Save the T&A compliments for the bedroom; we know our boobs look great in Victoria’s Secret bras, that’s why we buy them. The most important ammo guys can bring to the Battle of the Bar is the knowledge that sexual favors and pick-up lines are not the same thing. If the first words out of a guy’s mouth are describing his favorite position, I’m leaving, because I’m afraid I’ll catch the herps just by breathing the same air he is. Claiming you could rock a girl’s world isn’t going to make her think you’re selfless and it’s not going to make her want to go home with you. If anything, it’s going to make her toss whatever she’s drinking in your face before she hurries back to the safety of her chick clique. Don’t expect so much as eye contact after a move like this. Go back to what I said earlier, start with a compliment. Girls want to know you think of them as attractive, not as a Fleshlight with a pulse. It’s really the simple things that work, so get to it guys. Cut out the “you look really sexy, let’s go back to my place” shit and strike up a conversation. Next time you’re at the Palace, buy a girl a sake bomb. What do you have to lose? You always have your hand to look forward to.
LOCAL BOUTIQUE LOCAL ART
TRIVIA NIGHTS mon 7-9 + tues 730-930 & 10-12
every game, every week!
3
am!
great food til
20 BEERS ON TAP + FULL LIQUOR BAR
LOCAL MUSIC EVERY FIRST FRIDAY
every night of the year
KARAOKE thurs & sunday 8 til 2
HAPPY HOUR
WEEKDAYS 4-7
49c Wings + $5 Domestic Pitchers 2-4-1 wells, wines, pints & frozen drinks
519 W GAINES STREET // TALLAHASSEE (850) 425-2785
www.theblacksheeponline.com
telltale signs of a freshman
07
Bryce Josepher wrote this
Now that we’re nearly halfway through the school year, you’ve no doubt been surrounded by all the mindless forms of humanity roaming Florida State. You have your hipsters, your jocks, your fratboys and sorostitutes, the nerds, the normals, the jersey chasers, and super seniors, the super-duper-seniors, and of course, the naïve members of the freshmen class. As an upperclassman, I’ve seen almost every weird, annoying, and immature freshman habit that comes through FSU; but here are some of the easiest ways to recognize these freshmen when you’re on the prowl. What you do with a freshman once you’ve found one is up to you — use them for free food, make them do your homework, break that dry spell, or hey, make a new best friend because you’re really, really, really lonely.
Sign number one: Clothing and accessories There are definitely some things that you won’t see anyone but freshman wearing. This includes high school shirts, shorts, and sweaters. At the beginning of the semester, when it’s hot as hell outside, freshmen will often throw on those high school state champion wrestling shirts and matching shorts to go to class, thinking that they’re on top of the world. Little do they know, nobody gives a shit about their high school team, especially when you have ACC sports, sorority girls and kegs of beer surrounding you. And you can’t forget about the underage wristbands! 18-yearold kids love working out and attending class with their limegreen bands from the strip. Unless it’s St. Patrick’s Day, there’s no reason to keep a paper band on your wrist the day after you were out drinking. It looks stupid and the FSU community won’t think you’re special because you go out like the big boys. Sign number 2: Cluelessness For the most part, freshmen have no idea what they are doing during their first semester away from Mommy and Daddy, and this is most apparent in the university’s common areas. One can find frustrated freshmen analyzing their campus maps while searching for a building that’s directly in front of them. Or, note the frosh walking around in wrinkled, stained clothes because they never learned how to iron or do laundry. The big signs peek through it comes to women, though. Freshmen stare in the most obvious ways at all of the beautiful women walking around campus, when the rest of us know how to be discrete about it. FSU is like a fantasyland full of everything that 18-year-old
join the team Writers | Marketers Ad Sales | Groupies
GET AT US: FSU@theblacksheeponline.com
kids dream of, and usually they don’t know how to react, hence their inability to function like a normal human being. Sign number 3: Alcohol exposure Incoming freshmen are entering a world where they can drink as much as they want and get away with it (most of the time). So of course, you can often find them going overboard. Any redblooded freshman will rave about how high their tolerance is. This student can be seen pre-gaming way too hard before going anywhere, puking in bars, puking at house parties, and puking in the beloved Westcott fountain. The feeling of invincibility one gets from being a college student can often persuade freshmen to act like douchebags, particularly when alcohol is involved. This includes trying to cut the beer pong line, refusing to throw down 3 dollars for a keg, talking shit to people twice their size at the strip, and acting completely outraged when their fake ID from Vermont gets denied at the liquor store. Alcohol will always affect someone’s personality, and it will definitely separate underage freshmen from upperclassman that know how to hold their alcohol. These are some of the best ways to figure out if someone is a freshman. Not all freshmen are immature and desperate, but identifying these habits can help you separate the idiot Mommy’s boys from the kids that have already figured out how our university works. This guide should help you avoid confrontations with freshmen that they might regret. Bryce Josepher also wrote Top 10 Tailgating Supplies You Gotta Have in Issue#2 of The Black Sheep
Send in your pics to pics@theblacksheeponline or upload them at theblacksheeponline.com
n i t s e b the ! s c i p y part
SHOUT OUTS Got a shout out? Email us at shout@theblacksheeponline.com or send them from our website: theblacksheeponline.com or send them from our iPhone/Android App
Hey Jeremy, remember that one time you thought the “F” in “DTF” stood for Frisbee? Keep asking the girls! -Mike Dear Bruce: We didn’t make out cus you have stuff in your teeth. Dearest, darlingest roommate. I don’t care that you keep bringing him home. But if you’re going to fall asleep snuggling, at least admit you’re dating. Love, sick to death of drama. Dear Roomie. When I am sick, please do not wake me at 1 am to have another inane phone call with your boyfriend. Also, if I passively aggressively wake up and play tetris, it is a point- not permission to skype him and talk to his cat. Sincerely, WTF Wait...Jake...you’re not an alum and you can’t give me a summer internship? Dammit. - Sarah Boy from Bulls - what’s your name again? And can I have my bra back, please? Hey Zach, if you find a condom wrapper in your bed, that’s because I banged my booty call on your bed. That should teach you to stop borrowing my scissors without asking first. Jackass. To the girl who let me climb up your balcony to pet your bunny, next time make me leave through your front door my ass still hurts from thinking i could jump off your balcony and land on my feet -Bust Dane, Just because you poop in the dark, it doesn’t mean we don’t know what’s happening. Sincerely, Why do you never make it in the toilet? Dear Roommate, Sorry you woke up while I was having sex in the bed next to you. Sincerely, Your roommate that got some
don’t you want everyone to know your awesome specials? in print, mobile, and online? yeah you do - ads@theblacksheeponline.com
The Bar Grid SPECIAL NIGHT
TUESDAY: 2-4-1 Shaved Ice and Bubble Tea!
Get Ready: Saturday, November 5th Bud Light Bikini Contest!
TUESDAY: Club Night! 10-2 2-4-1 Drinks
Every Day: $3 Champagne $5 Skinny Tinis $5 Goose & Crown $8 Smoking Cocktails
THURS
Buy one wrap, get the second one half-off!
$7 All You Care to Drink from 7:30pm til 1am
2-4-1 Margaritas and Draft Beer
Smoking Thursdays All Smoking Cocktails Only $5
FRI
Buy one, get one half off on all tea kettles
$10 Top Shelf Buffet (All You Care to Drink) from 5pm til 1am
Margaritas Pitcher $9.99
Downtown Getdown Half-Off Specialty Drinks from 10-12
SAT
Buy one, get one half off on all tea kettles
Ladies Night | $3 Cover Ladies Drink Free
Margaritas Pitcher $9.99 2-4-1 Wells
Ladies Night! $2 Bellinis and Champagne Martinis All Night Ladies Free All Night
SUN
Call to book a private party!
Closed
Lunch Especial $4.75
Closed
MON
Buy one, get one half off on all smoothies
Monday Night Football! $5 All You Care to Drink from 8:30pm til 1am Free Pizza
$.99 Tacos
Mellow Mondays $13 Bottles and Half-Off Glasses of Wine
TUES
2-4-1 Shaved Ice and Bubble Tea!
$4 Beer & Liquor Pitchers DJ Dubya No Cover
Club Night! 10-2 2-4-1 Drinks
Tini Tuesday All Skinni Tinis Just $3
Get a free kettle of tea with any premium flavor
Ladies Night Live w/ Hot 104.9 $3 Cover Ladies Drink Free
$3.99 Lunch Special $5.99 Dinner Special
In the Big Wednesdays! $3 Champagne $5 Skinny Tinis $5 Goose & Crown $8 Smoking Cocktails
WED
THE ONLY APP YOU’LL NEED Black Sheep Mobile App TO MAKE COLLEGE AWESOME Search: Black Sheep Mobile AVAILABLE FOR iPHONE & ANDROID
(you’ll be pretty awesome, too)
e ladies love it)
BALLIN’ BAR SPECIALS (th
)
sweet (revenge has never been so TS OU T OU SH & CS PI Y PART
Wasted Wednesday! $3 Wells, $2 Shots Happy Hour Until 9PM
SAT: Ladies Night! Free Wine/Champagne for Ladies $3 Wells & Imports $6 Fishbowls & $2 Shots $7 Double Beam/Captain
Happy Hour Every Weekday from 4-7! $5 Pitchers, $.49 Wings 2-4-1 Wells, Wine, and Pints
SPECIAL NIGHT
Live Music Open for Party Booking!
Happy Hour from 4-7! $5 Pitchers, $.49 Wings 2-4-1 Wells, Wine, and Pints Karaoke 8-2!
THURS FRI
50% Off Cocktails from 4-7
Live Music!
50% Off Cocktails from 4-7 2-4-1 from 10-12
Metro Night $6 Double Wells Happy Hour Until 9PM
Metro Night!
Happy Hour from 4-7! $5 Pitchers, $.49 Wings 2-4-1 Wells, Wine, and Pints Come Enjoy Live Music!
50% Off Cocktails from 4-7
College Football Saturdays! Happy Hour Until 9PM $3 Domestics $4 Imports
Ladies Night! Free Wine/Champagne for Ladies $3 Wells & Imports $6 Fishbowls & $2 Shots $7 Double Beam/Captain
Gameday Specials to Cheer on the Seminoles!
SAT
$9.99 Dinner Special 50% Off Cocktails from 4-7
Party on the Patio w/ NFL Sunday Ticket! Happy Hour ALL Day $2 Domestics $3 Imports and Wells
Hospitality Night $2 Domestics, $3 Imports $3 Wells
Sunday Brunch 11-4 $1 Bloody Marys $1 Mimosas All NFL Games Karaoke 8-2
SUN
$9.99 Dinner Special 50% Off Cocktails from 4-7
Monday Night Football $6 Double Wells Happy Hour Until 9PM
Blue Monday! $6 Double Wells $2 Shots
Happy Hour and Monday Night Football! $5 Pitchers, $.49 Wings 2-4-1 Wells, Wine, and Pints from 4-7 Come Play Trivia 7-9
MON
$9.99 Dinner Special 50% Off Cocktails from 4-7
Happy Hour Until 9PM $2 Yuengling $3 Guinness Peanut Butter Pretzels
Open for Rentals
Happy Hour from 4-7! $5 Pitchers, $.49 Wings 2-4-1 Wells, Wine, and Pints Come Play Trivia 8-10
TUES
$9.99 Dinner Special 50% Off Cocktails from 4-7
Wasted Wednesday! $3 Wells, $2 Shots Happy Hour Until 9PM
Winning Wednesday Free Champaign/Wine for Ladies $7 Dble Captain Morgan $6 Fish Bowls, $2 Shots $2 Domestics, $3 Imports
Happy Hour from 4-7! $5 Pitchers, $.49 Wings 2-4-1 Wells, Wine, and Pints $10 All You Can Drink Bud Light from 9-2
WED
don’t you want everyone to know your awesome specials? in print, mobile, and online? yeah you do - ads@theblacksheeponline.com
The Bar Grid Happy Hour 4-7PM Every Night 50% Off All Drinks 25% Off Bottles of Wine $4 Martinis & Wine
es!)
music, sex... and drinking gam KILLER CONTENT (like about
12
www.theblacksheeponline.com
Bartender of the Issue Charlotte rehab Major: Biology and Psychology Relationship status: Taken Favorite sexual position: Fred Wayne Pet peeve: People who order Rumplemintz Worst sexual experience: One time a guy laughed when I took my shirt off. Craziest night on the job: Every night is crazy when you bartend. Favorite musical artist: Britney Spears Favorite movie: Girls Just Wanna Have Fun
drink
Stoli Blue & Water
+ Stoli Blue + Water
drinking game:
Drinking Jeopardy!
Alex Trebek has a voice that could charm the panties off of a nun, and his dulcet tones really help boys and girls across the nation learn what the capital of Madagascar is. Does that mean this game will help you get drunk? No. Is it fun? What is, “Yes,” Alex. What You Need: A case of beer, a hi-def TV to see the glint in Trebek’s eye, smartz. Number of Players: At least 2, more is more better, though. Intoxication Level: I’ll take, “Shithouse Drunk” for $800, Alex. How to Play: -Before the game begins, make sure each player has several beers in front of them. -Players may only guess an answer once per question. -A player’s answer does not have to be phrased in the form of a question. -Players must drink when: -Any opponent answers a question correctly. -The player incorrectly answers the question. -Players do not have to drink when: -The player answers the question correctly. -No player answers the question correctly. -Scoring is similar to a standard Jeopardy! game. If a player has to drink, they must drink the first number in the 3-digit score. For example, a player who has to drink on a $400 question must drink four drinks. Drinking on a $1000 question would be ten drinks. -There is no special scoring for the Daily Double, just use the value assigned to the question. -The Final Jeopardy question is worth 10 drinks. The Game Ends When: Your DVR runs out of recorded episodes.
thirsty for more? theblacksheeponline.com/drinkage
Things you look for in a guy: A sense of humor and a easy going personality What do you like about your job: I love being able to kinda hang out with friends and still be working. What is your kryptonite: Sailors If you could be an animal, which would you be: Pegasus (in my fantasy world.) Favorite color: Green
shot
Rumplemintz + Straight Up!
i dare you
Jameson Pickle Back + Shot of Jameson + Chased with Pickle Juice
recipe for disaster:
Burrighto
After a night of heavy drinking there’s always a pit in one’s stomach, and it aches mightily, wanting to be filled with manly goodness. No, we’re not talking about semen; we’re talking about the manliest freakin’ burrito of all time. What You Need: Flour tortillas, can of refried beans, cheese, hot sauce, beef jerky Cook Time: 5 minutes Fatty Factor: Oh god yes. Let’s Get Baked: -Unwrap the tortillas, open the beans, cheese and jerky. Have the hot sauce at hand. -Place a dollop of refried beans on the tortilla. -Sprinkle cheese on top of the beans. -Apply a liberal amount of beef jerky to the burrito. -Splash on a healthy amount of hot sauce. -Fold it all fancy-style. -Place in the microwave and heat on high for 40 seconds. -Remove, let cool and enjoy. You’ll pass out after a burly burrito bliss, only to wake up with some newfound chest hair. So…uh…this one isn’t for the ladies. Unless…
pad your resume the easy way
13
Samantha Malone wrote this
As college students it’s our job to attend class, take notes, volunteer, and to participate in extracurricular activities. We are expected to use our time in college to grow into adults and become well-rounded, contributing members of society. It’s also our job to wait until senior year to do (or even think about) most of those things, then have a panic attack worrying that we will never be able to get a job or get into a decent grad school. If this is you, congratulations on accomplishing nothing but getting hammered and getting laid over the past three years! Now it’s time to buckle down and get serious. Well, as serious as you can be while still going out five out of the seven nights a week and spending your afternoons lounging by the pool and getting your swole on at The Leach. Your waning days at college are your time to panic. They’re also the time to forget about your panic for another three-to-five weeks because you had better things to worry about than your resume, like seeing Tiesto. Let’s face it, not many companies will hire someone with no work experience. If it’s done correctly, padding your resume to make it look like you’re a contributing member of society can work wonders when trying to fool future employers. Everyone bends the truth in some way or another on their resume, but it’s important to remember that everything has to be believable and hard to disprove. Don’t even try lying about working at a huge business like a retail chain or a chain restaurant. The interviewer will quickly see through your bullshit when he calls and the manager of the local Applebee’s has never heard of you. If you want to add a little white lie or 10 to the employment section of your resume, mention that you did marketing for a student start-up business. If they ask about it, you can make most of it up, you
can the business is done with, since the students graduated. If you’ve actually held a job during college then good for you! List your responsibilities, but feel free to embellish. If you took orders at McDonald’s then you have experience in both customer service and with handling money. Or, if you worked at University Entertainers over the summer, mark it up to experience in client management and business relations. Because of the handjobs. No resume is complete without a few useless honors societies tacked onto it. Try saying you’re in a few large, well-known honors societies that aren’t very difficult to get into. Sure you may have been too lazy to actually join, but you were qualified, and that’s all that really matters. Under your “extracurricular activities” section include some activities that are impossible to check out. Maybe editing for an online blog or newsletter which doesn’t list all its contributors. Just make sure it adds to your value as a potential employee and that it is more trouble than it’s worth for the employer to check your facts. For volunteer work, don’t claim you’ve worked with the same charity helping orphaned African babies with HIV and cleft palates for the past three years. Say you participate in a range of volunteer activities. This means you probably haven’t gone to one place enough for anyone there to remember much about you making you the Casper of volunteering: friendly, but invisible. Some resumes are complete crap, whereas others are just colourfully embellished. It’s up to you how awesome you want to make yourself sound on paper. Just remember, no one got a job without polishing their representation of themselves and giving a few handjobs along the way.
14
THe top ten Reasons I’m not a hipster
www.theblacksheeponline.com
The Rest of the Season
Final Score Oklahoma 23 FSU 13 Final Score Clemson 35 FSU 30
When I’m not busy sucking down packs of American Spirits or chugging PBR at Menace Beach, I’d like to think I’m a normal non-counterculture being. I don’t know why I got shoved into the hipster category, but it happened. Just because I like American Apparel and own a Mac (which I got way before it was even cool) doesn’t make me one of these post-ironic dum-dums. Here’s why I’m totally not a hipster.
Harley Shine wrote this What the hell happened, Tallahasee? FSU started 2011 the season ranked #5 or #6 depending on who you ask, and now this shit. Let’s set the record straight: EJ Manuel messed up his shoulder badly enough to leave the Oklahoma game early and miss the entire game against Clemson. As if that wasn’t enough, high-profile play makers Greg Reid and Bert Reed are out due to injury as well. Enter Clint Trickett. He’s smart, talented, and tough as nails. Despite an impressive performance subbing in for EJ, he’s been saddled with a nonexistent running game and a set of replacement receivers that have barely had their college football cherries popped. Either way, this shit sucks. Everyone is disappointed with FSU’s start. Some people are throwing players and coaches under the bus, some have given up on the season, and I think someone left a burning bag of poop in front of Jimbo’s house. To hell with them though, there’s a silver lining here: both of these losses have a positive takeaway. There is a huge difference between being on the receiving end of a close loss and a nightmarish blowout. Seminole fans still have a lot to be happy about. The deadly alliance of linebacker Nigel Bradham and his defensive end buddies is the most horrifying defensive trio to come around since the legendary 2008 USC Trojans linebacker crop. That DA kept Landry, Jones & Co. at bay and the game close for four quarters. OU, famous for firing off a bukkake of points on opposing teams, were held to a pedestrian 23 points by the Noles. Looking at the rest of Oklahoma’s schedule, and taking into account the passhappy, high-flying spread offense circus styled after the Big Ten, it’s reasonable to expect them to hang a minimum of 28 points on everyone else they play this year. Clemson’s fast paced offense that appears to be one of the hugest surprises of the year, and it still couldn’t pull a fast one on FSU’s defense. Bjoern Werner, a 275-pound defensive end recovered
10. I wish I had boobs What girl doesn’t wish to have bigger ta-tas? I guarantee those American Apparel and Urban Outfitter shirts would fit much better. 9. I wear a bra Who doesn’t want automatic lift? I understand it’s hard to lift mosquito bites, but come on. No one you’d want to see your nipples in class. 8. I don’t try too hard to not give a shit This is the one that always bothered me. Bed head isn’t cool guys. Spend the extra three bucks and buy yourself a brush. If you really want to look like you don’t care, slap on some sweatpants.
a fumble and returned it 25 yards for a touchdown. Defensive ends don’t often make plays like that. Redshirt freshman/backup quarterback Clint Trickett has the makings of a future NFL quarterback. The kid makes good reads, fearlessly runs when he has to, and he threads the needle on difficult plays. Either way, FSU is set at quarterback and fans shouldn’t expect to the offense to keep exporting turnovers like they’re going out of style. This brings us to Dustin Hopkins, aka Golden Cleats. The 20-year-old Texan with an NFL caliber leg is another year older, smarter, and hungrier, and is ready to kick ass and take names. Since missing what would have been a game-winning field goal against UNC last year he has been just about perfect, boasting a 55-yard game-winning field goal against Clemson in 2010 and a 60-yard field goal at the 2011 spring game. While the Seminoles’ National Title dreams are dead and buried for the 2011 season this will still be a great year. The Noles’ remaining victims better put their heads between their legs and kiss their asses goodbye because they’re all in the cross-hairs of a flaming Garnet & Gold spear. Fear not Seminoles, the boys are back in business and on their way back into the nation’s college football elite.
STALK US! @blacksheepFSU
7. I wear glasses because I have to I don’t know who came up with this awesome idea. Who fakes bad eyesight? Do you guys not remember when it was cool to make fun of the kids with glasses? Get astigmatism, then we can talk. What’s next, faking IBS because it’s cool? 6. I don’t read Pitchfork Magazine I’ve never even read a single word from Pitchfork and I just recently found out that it’s not dedicated to Satan, like, at all. Need I say more? 5. I don’t like music festivals Wanna roll your face off man? Nope, not me. In fact, I’d rather just listen to Radiohead on my iPod. The great outdoors and kids rolling just don’t do it for me. If I’m going to drop a couple hundred dollars to watch a band, I don’t want to grapple with heat exhaustion. 4. I don’t drink my water out of a pickle jar I’m always confused when the token hipster of a class whips out what looks like a Vlasic jar. Can’t you guys get an EPA free water bottle like everyone else? 3. I don’t shop at co-ops Who wants to shop at Bread and Roses where you have to clock in hours to save money? Give me the Walmart experience, where I can taste the sweet sweat of underpaid labor. 2. I don’t ride a bike Instead of riding my bike around Tallahassee, it sits in the back of my car. Rather than riding a fixed gear around town, I want to use up those precious resources. God made cars for a reason and it wasn’t to not drive them. 1. I shave my armpits and legs For some reason, women of the hipster crowd enjoy to be au natural. I don’t know when it became cool or sexy to have the same amount of hair as men (they can win that battle). Who wants to go at it bush on bush? I sure don’t. So ladies, throw out those Schicks and fellas take a deep breath so you can shove those balls into some skinny jeans. Or you can be a functional member of society. It’s your choice.
Ashley Romano wrote this
16
the
www.theblacksheeponline.com
h ute! 14tM in
Leonardo DiCaprio is world-famous for acting in some of the best films of the last decade. Hillary Clinton is famous because she’s the most powerful woman in the world. A small Senegalese child knows LeBron James because he can jump out of a building in a single bound. But what about the rest? In this era of celebrity culture there’s too many people famous for…what exactly? To see if we could pin these pretenders we looked at celebrity gossip websites to find people we couldn’t identify, then we tried to identify what made them worthy of the limelight. By: Brendan
*
Kim Delaney We Think She’s Famous For: Being T-Mobile’s ad spokeswoman when flip phones were still the cat’s pajamas, as folk were wont to say in 1996. Why She’s Actually Famous: This actress has been on a bunch of relatively popular TV shows, like Army Wives, The O.C. and N.Y.P.D. Blue. Recently, though, she made headlines for giving a speech in front of a bunch of military folk…drunk. Where She’ll Be In Five Years: A wonderful land called Denial, where your third and fourth stints in alcohol rehab mean you get comp’ed your fifth check-in.
Joe Manganiello We Think He’s Famous For: Being a club promoter in Scottsdale, Arizona. There’s rumored to be pictures of him snorting coke off of Lindsey Lohan’s tits. Why He’s Actually Famous: Joe plays werewolf Alcide Herveaux on HBO’s True Blood, because being tall, ripped and handsome is a prerequisite for being a werewolf. Nerds have nothing to worry about. Where He’ll Be In Five Years: He’ll be starring opposite Bradley Cooper in a summer bromance movie called Hairy Waves.
Brenda Song We Think She’s Famous For: Song is the Rebecca Black of Thailand, where her hit, “Only 20 Hours of Work Today!” propelled her to superstardom. Why She’s Actually Famous: Being a huge hit on the Disney Channel, most notably as London Tipton on The Suite Life of Zack & Cody. Where She’ll Be In Five Years: In a bathtub full of money, laughing and sipping champagne while screaming out, “Sweatshop profiteering is the best!”
Michaele Salahi We Think She’s Famous For: An early-90s trial that saw her spend 12 years in jail after sleeping with one of her 14-year-old students. Why She’s Actually Famous: Besides having an impossible-to-spell name, Salahi is best known for her role on The Real Housewives of D.C. In 2009 she made waves for crashing a White House party, and made headlines a few weeks ago by leaving her husband for Neal Schon, the guitarist for Journey. Where She’ll Be In Five Years: Back in her plastic surgeon’s office, getting an estimate on how much it would cost to give her facelift a facelift.
Austin Butler We Think He’s Famous For: Being exactly what the Nazis had in mind when they started their eugenics program. Why He’s Actually Famous: Butler is known for his work in Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide and High School Musical spinoff Sharpay’s Fabulous Adventure. Where He’ll Be In Five Years: On the secret Nazi moon base, preparing to exact revenge for the historically tragic death of his biological father, Adolf Hitler.
Imogen Thomas We Think She’s Famous For: By the looks of it, she’s a recent recipient of a MacArthur Genius Grant for the work she’s done in the field of advanced particle physics. Why She’s Actually Famous: Thomas is known for her 3-month stay on British reality show Big Brother, and her two big sisters. By “sisters” we mean “tits.” Where She’ll Be In Five Years: Thomas will be the Queen of the Island of Misfit Floozies, which is actually a couple miles off of the southern tip of Florida.
*
www.theblacksheeponline.com
Das Racist
the interview
17
Don’t worry guys, we didn’t interview the entity that is racism. Das Racist is a trio of multi-ethnic dudes from Brooklyn whose unconventional style has landed them on multiple “best of” lists and on the stages of dozens of high-profile music festivals. Their latest album Relax just dropped and they’re coming to a city near you...soon. We chatted with them about live performances, growing up, and ideal fast food combinations. TBS: You guys have a very energetic live show. Offstage are you guys pretty animated, or are you pretty mellow? Das Racist: Yeah, more than like your average moron-like manner. To be honest, the way I think about it – which I never have before you asked me about it – I guess when we started doing shows we would be drunk or high a lot, so that kind of energy was from something we were doing offstage. Now it’s not quite the case. It’s just something that I’ve gotten used to doing and it’s kind of the only way I know how to do something up there. So we’re doing a rap show, we don’t really have a guitar and keyboard and whatever, so, I mean, what are we going to do? Then we’re getting completely bored on stage, you know, standing around on a small area for 45 minutes to an hour. Like, you can imagine if whatever room you’re in right now I locked the doors and like, you just have to hang out for an hour. You know, and most people need something to do, and we don’t want to be boring and be completely wasting everybody’s time. TBS: You mentioned that you’d go on stage and be drunk or on some sort of drug. As you’ve taken this more seriously as a career, is that something that you’ve purposely toned down or are you just getting more mature? Das Racist: The way we started out, we’d sometimes do gigs for like $50 or it’d be for drink tickets. So when you’re doing a show for drink tickets, you’re obviously going to get drunk because they’re giving you drink tickets and no money. So I think being mature, maybe, I don’t know, that word kind of sounds ridiculous. It just got boring, you know what I mean? And also, if my job is to tour and I’m going to have to do five shows in a row while traveling and waking up at 6 in the morning, I can’t feasibly get fucked up every night because it wouldn’t be fun anymore, it’d be impossible to wake up and not be in a terrible mood. And it’s just boring: I’m like 26-years-old, what am I going to do, get fucked up in front of a bunch of 18, 19-year-old kids?
CD REVIEW
Out Now
Feist Metals
One, two, three, four no more. Real, old school fans of Feist have known her since her beautiful, whispering words in the nearly decade old tune “Lover’s Spit,” when she was a more prominent member of the Canadian band Broken Social Scene in which, not so beautifully (or, whatever, some of you weirdoes might find it hot), she sang about people giving blow jobs. New fans of Feist know her from that catchy-ass tune from an iPod Nano commercial which, coincidentally, was the only song off of The Reminder that she didn’t write. Ironic? Well, yes, and the fact that little ole’ Leslie Feist is practically a household name now. Who knew she got her start singing about semen? Feist’s third album Metals comes over a year after the aforementioned album, a few Grammy nominations and that one damn hit “One Two Three Four.” Despite the extreme success of that song, the rest of The Reminder is by far Feist’s best solo stuff to date — it’s passionate, genuine, at times upbeat and at times perfectly sentimental. But Feist has always done that so well, juxtaposing both genres in a listenable, creative, successful way. But where Metals has plenty of the slow, soft-spoken songs to put yourself in a weird mood, there isn’t any of the upbeat to balance out the lows with the highs.
C-
The opening track “The Bad in Each Other” is an optimistic start and teases the listener; the track is heavy-ish and actually somewhat fast paced, but is unlike the rest of the album. The songs that aren’t entirely depressing (“How Come You Never Go There”) are, to be blunt, lame and uninteresting. “Woe Be” is her best from the second half of the album, still desperately slow and soft but with a more interesting guitar sounds and beautiful vocals. It’s not surprising that Metals is so far removed from her last two albums — she practically hid out in the prairies of France to write this album, and it only took her, oh, a year to find the inspiration to start making music again. It’s a shame that she seemingly “lost it,” and it’s no doubt that the unexpected national attention of that one stupid song kind of threw her off. Well, it’s not stupid, it really is a great song. But it’s sad that it became totally commercialized, which was clearly never Feist’s intent. Oh well, she can always bask in all of her royalty’s and remember the days of singing about jizz. Sounds Like: The inside of a tear drop. Download: The Bad in Each Other, Woe Be Listen to it When: You’re not contemplating suicide, but want to.
TBS: You guys get a lot of critical acclaim, from MTV, Spin, Rolling Stone, etc. Do you guys consider that at all when you’re making musical decisions? Das Racist: It is appreciated, but, you know, it’s not like “Whoa! This staff writer at Spin likes something we made!” it’s more like “Whoa, a lot of people buy Spin at the airport who have never heard of us,” you know? I mean, it’s always nice to hear nice things, whatever, but it’s not like we’re so “Oh, we’re going do what we’re going to do regardless!” Like, what else am I going to read, something about some other guy? I’d rather read about myself. Yeah, I definitely keep up and shit, but it’s not that big of a deal. TBS: So you guys have Relax, your new album that just came out. How does a group like you guys go about constructing a song? Das Racist: Well, I mean, we’ll first kind of write in the studio, sometimes someone will have some verses or parts of verses worked out and they’ll bring those in. It’s not a completely collaborative process. If you’re listening to it, the two guys don’t even sound very much alike, they don’t rap very similarly. So, it’s collaborative in that they usually record in the same studio and they record together a lot of the time, but other than that it’s not like coming in together with two notepads on their lap and a guy playing a beat and they’re listening to the beat… but that actually does happen a little bit. (laughs) I think it’s kind of two different processes going on at the same time, rather than like peeking over another person’s shoulder and see what they’re doing. TBS: What would be on your perfect sandwich? Das Racist: I don’t even like sandwiches that much. Bacon, avocado, cheese, tomato? On some sourdough bread. TBS: You guys have an album called Combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell. If you could combine any two fast food franchises, which would you choose? Das Racist: Maybe fuckin’ Panera Bread and Chipotle. Or In-N-Out Burger and Quiznos. TBS: Drink of choice? Das Racist: Water, and champagne.
brendan and jess wrote this
( class time )
Do you know how two of our (least) favorite actors are related? Figure it out, email us at 6degrees@theblacksheeponline, and the first 10 win a prize, but remember, movies only!!
DID YOU KNOW?
Unless food is mixed with saliva, it has no taste. Think about that... The average person falls asleep in 7 minutes...hmmm...
6 Degrees of separation: uck R n Ala
l
il H h ona
J
d o o f n a c i x e m c i t n e h e e s aut s a h Talla
right in
Thursdays 2-4-1 MARGARITAS AND DRAFT BEER
saturdays 2-4-1 WELL DRINKS
1170 APALACHEE PKWY | TALLAHASSEE | (850) 273-5673
Every ! ay Mo.9n9 d TACOS $0
MASH
Circle one option in each category and unlock the mystery to your ideal (or not so ideal) future life.
tally box
best man:
honeymoon:
weird addiction:
Chuy (Chelsea Lately) Zombie Chris Farley Fat Joe Justin Beiber
Mother-in-Law’s Trailer Gwinn, Michigan Seaside Heights, New Jersey Disney World
Cinnabon Laxatives The Maury Show White Zinfandel
maid of honor:
career:
life in 5 years:
Lil Mama Megan McCully Martin Lawrence in a Fat Suit Rosie O’Donnell
Professional Hoarder K-Mart Employee Groupon Data Entry Door Man
No chance of parole Sex Offenders List 8 kids and a dead-end job Plus-sized modeling
wedding entree:
transportation:
pet:
Amigo Grappling Hook Greyhound Bus Teal AstroVan
12 Ducks 3-Legged Dog Rosanne Barr Whatever You Catch, You Keep
KFC Double Downs Deep Fried Oreos Magic Mushrooms Pixie Stix
When you need someplace to chill out... ULTIMATE SELECTION OF FLAVORS!
HOT TEA - ICED TEA - BUBBLE TEA - HERBAL TEA GREEN TEA - COFFEE - ITALIAN SODA - SMOOTHIES FRAPPES - MEDITERRANEAN WRAPS AND DESSERTS
WE ALSO SELL TOBACCO, COALS & MORE! happy hour: monday - thursday, 6pm to 8pm BUY AN SIZE BOWL AND GET THE SECOND ONE FREE! Plus! $10 Hookah All Day Every Day!
An Authentic Hookah Experience
Show the Paper/Mention Black Sheep
and Get $5 Off on a $20+ Tab!
535 SILVER SLIPPER LANE | TALLAHASSEE | (850) 385.5125 | ALADDINSTALLAHASSEE.COM
Open
MON-S 4PM TO AT 2AM