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The Fun and Games Finals Issue
! e d
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I MA DE f f T UI
e RTA DAY S, Q E! h t TE LI IB OR tu MENIFT G ZZES S r IN G UI
O DL M H - MA ND A -
Page two
A SPECIAL
THANK
YOU FROM US
Why hello there, As you read this to kill some time between classes, or to avoid the inevitability of your own semester-long failures, or to keep yourself entertained while your significant other talks about who knows what (we’re guessing the Kardashians or Fantasy Football), just know that it’s appreciated. You see, this issue closes out our first semester here at FSU, and frankly we’ve had a blast. While we can assure you that pumping out dick jokes and poop jokes issue after issue is hard work, we’re honored to have the opportunity to publish something we’re ostensibly very proud of. Like anything we’re trying for the first time there’s been ups and downs, (like sex!) some awkward, uneasy moments (like sex!) and way, way too much crying (like clown sex!), but the end result is always worth the pain. That said, we couldn’t have done any of it without wonderful readers like you, and our great advertisers who support us. You, dear reader, laugh at our bad puns. When something genuinely amuses you, you show a friend. She shows a friend, who shows a friend, who shows a friend, and in no time we have mad traction and strong word-of-mouth. You’re the dude who wakes up, decides to ditch class, and instead chooses to check out one of our advertisers. Basically—and this is no bullshit—you’re the reason this paper exists. With that in mind, we’d love to hear some feedback from you. We’ll be starting up just in time for spring semester, and we’d like you to let us know what tickled your fancy, just so we know we’re on the right track. Or, if you want to just write us some violent and vulgar hate mail, you’re welcome to do that. We get very lonely, you see. Again, let us know how you feel, baby. Shoot us a line at vcu@theblacksheeponline. com, let us be a part of your lives. WHY WON’T YOU LET US LOVE YOU? Sorry, we just miss you already. Thanks again, -The Black Sheep
! s m a r g a n A y Sex
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Word of the week Preprosperous:
Czar Shank Em
Ready Mom No
Submit your own word! word@theblacksheeponline.com
Definition: The generally broke nature of a college student. “Yeah, I’m gonna make so much bank when I grow up, but I’m drinking Colt 45 because I’m really preprosperous right now.”
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04
From 'da Streets
santa’s sex diary
“What is the most awkward Christmas present you’ve ever received?”
Jason Montes wrote this December 7 Today at the mall this snot-nosed kid begged me for a Schnauzer this Christmas, and I pinched his greasy cheeks and said, “Of course tiger. I make magic happen. It’s what I do.” This kid was so excited that he gave me a hug. His mother on the other hand was not too pleased with me.
“A Barbie in middle school from my ex-stepmother’s parents. Ex-step-grandparents?” - Megan W.
“We can’t get him a puppy,” she said. I instantly recognized this mother as little Sally Maxwell, but she’s all grown up now and her bag of goodies has filled out nicely. Milk and cookies are great, but it’s really the naughty list mothers who put me in the mood for the season of giving. “Sit on Santa’s lap. I’ll make everything ok,” I told her. She took a seat and got comfortable on my warm velvet thigh. Ladies love the beard, too; it exudes a sort of primal masculinity that they can’t get enough of. Thank you, No-Shave November! “Ten years ago you wanted an Easy Bake Oven,” I whispered in her ear. Sally looked at me with surprise. “I never got it. My mother got me a Barbie sweater instead,” she said and gave me a little pout; her eyes looked away as if trying to hide the hurt. “Meet me in the Macy’s dressing room in ten minutes and we’ll bake something your mother doesn’t have to know about,” I said.
right now or a drink. I’m flying over an orphanage in Seattle now, but those kids don’t leave me anything so I skip them and land on over to the next house. This is the house of Stanley Jacobs. His parents drive tricked out Bentleys and are so rich that they installed a TV in every shower. Instead of milk and cookies over the fireplace there is a tall wine glass filled with cognac and brownies sprinkled with fairy dust. Wealthy people understand what Santa likes which is why their kids get all the good presents. I leave a hovercraft underneath the Christmas tree for Stanley and take my drink and brownies to their indoor jacuzzi. I still have a 1000 more houses to go, but I need a timeout. Time to think and reflect on the deeper things happening here. Am I just a fabrication of commercial enterprise? Does anyone really even care about me? Do I really exist? The water is as a warm as the inside of my brownie. Is this water real? Am I really Santa at all, or am I just a pathetic drunk trespassing in a rich man’s home?
“new year’s resolution: convince the missus to agree to reindeer-style.”
She nuzzled against the hairs of my chin and giggled. Everybody wants a piece of Old St. Nick, and it’s my job to give them exactly what they deserve. Later that night, we kissed underneath the mistletoe and I didn’t care who watched.
December 23 It’s crunch time. I have to travel around the world in 12 hours, the elves aren’t working fast enough, Comet has a massive case of diarrhea, and I swear this crappy sleigh keeps getting smaller and smaller every year. An elf can barely fit in this thing. I don’t understand why I can’t just fly first class on jetBlue. Remember that one stewardess with the freaky tongue tricks, Diary? I gave her lace stockings as a gift, and in return she granted me membership to the mile high club. Her thighs made great earmuffs, and I couldn’t help but fill that plane with a big “HO HO HO!” When Christmas is all over I’m going straight to Cancun for eleven months, but first I need to deal with the reindeer. Every year Rudolph gives the other reindeer a snort of white snow and I’m the one who has to pick up the shit. The real reason nobody wanted to play with Red Nose before I offered him a job was because he was known around the North Pole as a beggar who would do anything for a quick high. Now Blitzen is blitzed off his ass and Dasher just ran double-time off the roof. December 24 Nobody understands my kind of suffering, Diary. The entire world expects me to be a jolly role model. I need a friend
January 1 New Year’s Resolution: convince the Missus to agree to reindeer-style. March 14 What a wild Spring Break! My bud Frosty the Snowman and I have been trading tequila pints all weekend. He melted last night in a jacuzzi full of pageant beauty queens. It was magnificent. In hindsight it wasn’t the smartest decision for Frosty to come to Cancun, but that beast is a champ! A mark of a true alcoholic is having the will to die for the cause, and with global warming drowning all of his polar bear friends Frosty wasn’t sure he was going to live much longer anyway. I was so bummed after his passing that I went to a donkey show in his honor. He hates to see people cry and would have wanted it like this. I still can’t believe those things are legal. Unfortunately, I can’t remember anything that happened after the show, but I did make it back to the hotel. This morning I woke up and found a random bronze girl with thick hips sleeping in my red coat. What the hell is this orange and blue bra doing in the corner? This bitch better not be a Gator.
“A rubber chicken dressed in a sexy Mrs. Claus outfit. I use it to scare my cat.” - Lena T.
“A flavored condom from one of my gay friends...” - Nick S.
05
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Are you Smarter Than?
The scoreboard:
5.5 megan’s score
megan fontaine
megan's answers
fsu black sheep editor 1) Which famous baseball player said “Hit it where they ain’t”?
4) Where did the most iconic (to date) Occupy-related pepper spray incident happen?
2) Which Republican presidential candidate was recently accused of sexual harassment?
5) Who was named Billboard’s Rising Star of 2011? 6) Name the Marx Brothers. 7) How many different versions of the iPhone have been released?
1. Someone I’ve never heard of, clearly. 2. Herman Cain 3. 9. I don’t care what NASA says, Pluto is a planet goddamnit. 4. UC Davis
8) How many denominations of bill does the US have? 9) Who just ended his 17-year term as Prime Minister of Italy?
correct answers:
10) In what year did World War II end?
1) William “Wee Willy” Keeler 2) Herman Cain 3) Eight 4) UC Davis 5) Nicki Minaj
FSU Crossword
the Crossword
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FSU Crossword
5
Down For all those outdoorsy types FSU is known for its ______
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1 3
s o d o
Across FSU Party School Status According to Some Guy in
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k e n s p e a o z i e r 10 w u w a n n e e s 17 j t 19 t e s s c f i o f x t t t t y o n e e 25 t d o w n s 28 c r m e i o g l e a c h a t
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DOWN: 1) For all those outdoorsy types 3) FSU is known for its ___ 5) ____ ‘Em! 6) Doesn’t Get Greeker than ___ 7) Don’t be surprised to see clowns here 9) Better get checked for these at some point
r 2 3 e i g h t h z o 6 p t o g 7 f t i 8 c l u b s t r 9 s y e l 12 11 c t i l s 14 h d g n l 16 t o r s a g i m 18 p r h e a r n i s r i c e g c t h h 22 23 m m y a c c f i f n i n 24 d r g e 27 f g c c a o u h k c a m p e l l s t a d i u u d e f a h a s s e
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solution:
24
l
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a l
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r a i l r o a d s q u a r e
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c r
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10) Not Eastcott but ___ 11) Tomahawk ___ 13) Hipsters, artsy, non-conformist stomping ground 14) Apparently we bleed ___ 16) Hardest playing geeks on campus 17) The other former Coach Bowden 19) Number of different colleges at FSU 25) He’s the official face of FSU 26) The only cemetery that’s not creepy, made of the other team’s ___ 27) Out rattling rivals 28) Curse of the Cains, Wide ____
Down 1 For all those outdoorsy types 3 FSU is known for its ______ 5 _____ ‘Em! 6 Doesn’t Get Greeker then ______ 7 Don’t be surprised to see clowns here 9 Better get checked for these at some point 10 Not Eastcott but ______ 11 Tomahawk ______ 13 Hipsters, Arties, Non-Conformists Stomping Grounds 14 Apparently We Bleed ______ 16 Hardest Playing Geeks on Campus 17 The other former Coach Bowden 19 Number of Different Colleges at FSU 25 He’s the Official Face of FSU 26 The only cemetery that’s not creepy, made of the other team’s ______ 27 Our Rattling Rivals 28 Curse of the Cains, Wide ______
5
ACROSS: 2) FSU party school status according to some guy at Princeton 4) A Tavern... that serves hard liquor? 8) You can even socialize while doing some homework at ___ ___ (2 words) 12) Munchies? Take me down to ___ 15) Haters of the ____ 18) Vires, ____, Mores 20) We have a president, whose also a Barron 21) First FSU Mascot 22) Nole’s Conference 23) FSU founding in Eighteen ____ 24) Downtown ___ 29) The only dry spot on campus 30) Tribe that our Seminoles refer to 31) Getting SWOLE at the FSU ___ 32) Staying classy in ____
Across FSU Party School Status According to Some Guy in Princeton A Tavern...that serves hard liquor? You can even socialize while doing some homework at ______ (2 Words) Muchies? Take me down to ______ Haters of the ______ Vires,_____,Mores We have a president, whose also a Barron First FSU Mascot Nole’s Conference FSU founding in Eighteen______ Downtown ______ The only dry spot on campus Tribe that our Seminoles refer to Getting SWOLE at the FSU ______ Staying Classy in ______
3 4
6) Groucho, Harpo, Zeppo, Gummo, Chico 7) Five 8) Six 9) Silvio Berlusconi 10) 1945
questions:
1
2
5. Who cares? 6. Groucho, Harpo, Zippo, Chico, and...I don’t remember. 7. Four 8. Six 9. Silvio Berlusconi 10. 1945
21 22 23 24 29 30 31 32
3) How many planets are in our solar system?
your score
06
quiz:
1) A blonde, brunette and a redhead get into a fight with Santa, who do you think would be able to take the big guy down? a. The blonde, she didn’t even have to throw a punch, she just needs to give him a wink and quick glimpse of her naughty Christmas bulbs and give Ole’ Kris Kringle a stroke. b. The brunette, “the smart one,” who bores the man to death with her trivial knowledge of history of Christmas and the commercialization of the holiday by Corporate America. c. The redhead, thanks to South Park, has been living her whole life as “the ginger kid” and has learned how to pack a punch, she takes Santa down with a little Christmas Smackdown. 2) Fill in the blank: Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells ______________
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Are you a Scrooge, Christmas Enthused or Just Confused? a. I’m Jewish. b. Batman smells, Robin laid an egg! c. Jingle all the Way! 3) When you wrap a present you.... a. Wrap Presents? You don’t wrap presents you GET them. b. Meticulously wrap, measuring each fold to exact perfection. c.Buy a gift bag instead, wrapping presents is pointless the paper just ends up in the trash anyway. 4) Your ideal place to spend Christmas is… a. Home, alone, all the traffic, headaches and obnoxious family time makes you want to upchuck your Christmas cookies. b. Somewhere up north surrounded by good family and friends, yes they are a little crazy but so are you.
TRIVIA NIGHTS mon 7-9 + tues 730-930 & 10-12
every game, every week!
5) If you were a holiday treat you would be: a. A candy cane, sweet and simple nothing says Christmas time better. b. The holiday ham, center of attention, usually overrated and overcooked still the star of the dinner table. c. The spiked egg nog, you’re going to need that edge to get through the season. 6) How do you feel about the 1960’s Claymation Cartoons (Ruldolph, Snowmiester, Heatmiester, ect)? a. Repetitive and disturbing. b. Classics, sing along every time.
3
am!
great food til
20 BEERS ON TAP + FULL LIQUOR BAR
c. Celebrating a Green Christmas in the Bahamas, somewhere hot and you can catch up on your tan while everyone else is patsy and stuck shoveling snow. YUCK!
every night of the year
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c. Claymation? 7) Favorite Thing to wear during this time of year: a. Is that even a question? Nothing but red and green and supertacky Christmas sweaters! b. The most expensive cashmere sweater money can buy. Gotta look good for Mr. Claus. c. Black....yes it’s a statement. 8) It’s Christmas Day! You’re about to open your first present, what did Santa bring you? a. Useless material things like the latest fashions and the newest electronics, all which will be replaced by next year’s Christmas presents, more clothes and electronics. b. World peace. c. Coal, f*ck you Santa, I hope the redhead kicks your ass.
Results 8-13: Bewildered Barbie Oh Sweetheart, aren’t you precious? You’ve (or your parents) have literally bought into the materialism associated with Christmas and lost sight of what the seasons really about. Never fear, a few more sappy Christmas movies and Christmas carols will fix you right up! 14-20: A Regular Tiny Tim Christmas time is something special to you! You appreciate both the good(i.e good will, family time and Holiday traditions) and the bad(i.e too much family time, the stressful shopping trips and Christmas time debt...yay). But regardless you enjoy yourself and the season for all its worth. 21-24: Ease up, Ebenezer BAH-HUMBUG! Christmas is just a day like any other, isn’t it? You can’t stand the hype and find the whole holiday nauseating. Well have it your way Ebenezer, just remember what the Ghost of Christmas Future brings!
1. a(1) 2. a(3) 3. a(1) 4. a(3)
b(3) b(1) b(2) b(2)
answers
c(2) c(2) c(3) c(1)
5. a(2) b(1) c(3) 6. a(3) b(2) c(1) 7. a(2) b(1) c(3) 8. a(1) b(2) c(3)
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THe top ten
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ways to procrastinate We’ve all been there; 3 a.m. on the Sunday before your paper is due. Blinking cursor on a blank page staring at you, but all you seem to be able to do is check what Snookie is tweeting or if anyone made a new update on Facebook. If you’re going to procrastinate, do it big. Here’s ten ways to procrastinate without playing the lonely stalker game. 10. Catch up on TV shows If you’re like most people, you pay good money for cable. I, on the other hand, steal the neighbor’s good internet and use it to watch HBO and Showtime programs for free. Now is the perfect time to watch Dexter (Colin Hanks as a serial killer, what?!). 9. Cook dinner Procrastination is hard work and food is essential to keep it going. Try making a meal you’ve never made before. Instead of choking down your eighth bowl of ramen the old fashioned way, try ramen burritos or a ramen noodle salad (can be served room temperature or cold).
who don’t got spirit?!
J.N. Bordonaba wrote this
It’s okay, you can admit it, you’re in a safe place: You don’t actually give a hoot about sports. Maybe you just don’t like sports. Or maybe you just don’t have “school spirit”. If you let your opinion be known to the general public, they’ll shun you like a leper. So when a “game day” comes around you feign interest, and maybe let yourself get dragged to a friend’s house to watch, even though there are plenty of other things you could be doing instead. Shots! Shots! Shots! If it’s an excuse to drink you’re looking for, you don’t need to get up at dawn on game day to do it. Use that alcohol-induced creativity! Being the couch potato that I am, most of the games I come up with tend to revolve around whatever happens to be on TV at the time (because anything that involves arranging plastic cups takes way too much energy). Thus, the Law & Order drinking game. Everyone knows the one rule for this game and, thanks to syndication, there’s not an hour of the day where an episode of Law & Order or one of its many spin offs is not playing. It’s got a little something for everybody- for the normal (Law & Order), the brainy (Criminal Intent), and the flirty (Special Victims Unit). Get Your Quest On. Take a walk on campus (if you can find the parking). There are plenty of other people who don’t care about football milling around, and not all of them are foreign exchange students. Take Landis, for example. On any given game day, you can find a handful of LARPers
battling on the green. Not only are they entertaining to watch, but they’re actually an incredibly friendly bunch, and will be more than willing to give you a couple of pointers in sword combat. And you never know when that skill can come in handy- when the apocalypse begins, you’ll be glad you learned how to appropriately wield a foam-covered hockey stick. Keep it Classy, Tallahassee. If you don’t want to waste all day sitting in front of the TV and consider yourself above LARPing, then you must be part of that fabled social elite with “money”. If you’ve got it, make it rain, I say! Why not support a local business? Now, I’m not trying to push some hippie agenda- I’m asking for your humanity. Walk down Gaines Street when there’s a home game and you’ll see business owners pressing their noses against the glass of their shops, growing more disheartened by the droves and droves of people walking past (as if they’re migrating). Walk into one of those shops and you’ll be given a grateful welcome, and maybe even a discount. So, here’s to no more sitting in a puddle of human sweat in the stands, or breaking your phone when you accidentally swing it across the room while Tomahawk chopping. Here’s to better ways to spend time, or a challenge to waste even more of it. If you dig baseball and have Seminole Pride, you’ve got spirit, yes you do. That‘s great. Celebrate all you want, I implore you. Just don’t start complaining when us real football fans whip out our vuvuzelas for a jam session.
8. Pick up a hobby Now is the perfect time to learn how to knit or crochet. Maybe Nana would love a handmade scarf for Christmas instead of that damn scented candle. You clearly can’t do calculus, and possessing some kind of skill unrelated to beer pong can’t hurt. 7. Rekindle an old flame or friendship You’ve probably been on Facebook for hours now (let’s face it, when do you ever leave?) and still see that old friend or ex on the chat bar. Strike up a conversation and see how they’re doing. Before you know it, they could be doing you. 6. Do some crunches Bathing suit season may be months away, but getting a head start on fitness is never be a bad thing. Maybe you’ve had too many Bud Lights and eaten too much Chubby’s and you need to tame that gut. YouTube Kanye West’s “New Work Out Plan” and get that tummy tight. 5. Clean When the Adderall finally sets in and you notice a cobweb right above your bathroom door, put that feeling of productivity to good use and make that bathroom shine. It will help you sleep better at night, and make life that much easier when you eventually go back to Number four. 4. Set up a booty call What’s the best way to ace a final in human sexuality? Field work, field work, field work. What if you’re not taking human sexuality? Screw it (literally); looking at your GPA, you better enjoy college before you get kicked out. 3. Go shopping Finals week during the fall semester means one thing: Christmas is coming. Take that wandering mind to the mall and buy your brother the third copy of Skyrim he’ll get this season. Not only will you get out of the house, you’ll also feel good for getting something done early. Granted, something completely unrelated to schoolwork, but baby steps. 2. Leave town The best kind of procrastination is completely ignoring finals week. Why not go on a mini vacation to completely forget what there is to do? Try camping. No wireless signal means no checking Blackboard to hopelessly pine for a postponement of your assignment. 1. Get drunk Why not make a drinking game out of un-productivity? Take a shot every time you try to start something during finals week. Stress will seem nonexistent. Hemingway wrote “The Old Man and the Sea” completely schnockered, you should be able to pull out an essay from that bottle of Bacardi.
ashley romano wrote this
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the ultimate at-home drinking game
One of the worst things about being at home is the inability to booze whenever you please. But have no fear, for obviously The Black Sheep is here to give you an entertaining and easy way to get your drink on during any of the many awkward times you spend at home. So grab a fifth and a flask, because you're about to get drunk (again).
on the car ride home
when decorating for the holidays...
Take a drink when you get a text from a high school buddy asking about your plans over break. Take a drink every time you hit repeat on your iPod. Take a drink every time you check Twitter on your phone. Take two drinks every time your parents ask you about your GPA this semester. Take two drinks every time your mom comments on your appearance. Take two drinks for every half-hour you're in the car. Take three drinks for every awkward silence. Take five drinks when you realize you left your phone at school.
Take a drink every time your cat starts eating the tinsel. Take a drink for every ornament you break. Take two drinks for every stocking you hang. Take three drinks every time you untangle a string of lights. Take three drinks every time you get on a ladder. Take three drinks for every time your dad drops an f-bomb while putting up the Christmas lights. Take five drinks every time your mom tears up during "Little Drummer Boy." Take ten drinks if you put up a huge inflatable decoration.
while celebrating the holidays with your family
while last minute shopping
Take a drink for every gift you guess incorrectly. Take a drink for every pair of socks or underwear you get. Take a drink every time someone tells a story starting with "When I was in college..." Take a drink every time you catch someone feeding the dog. Take a drink for every National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation reference your dad makes. Take two drinks every time you catch the cat messing around in the Christmas tree. Take two drinks every time grandma notes how old you look. Take three drinks every time someone asks you how the service you didn't go to was. Take three drinks for every gift you receive that still has the clearance price tag on it. Take four drinks every time a relative retells a story. Take four drinks every time your 17-year-old cousin successfully sneaks wine. Take four drinks every time your parents jokingly mention Santa and think you're still amused. Take five drinks for every time your mom raises her voice. Take five drinks every time a new course is served. Take ten drinks every time someone mentions that you're single or asks when you're going to start having babies. Take ten drinks if grandpa passes out before 2 p.m.
Take a drink for every drunk Salvation Army bell-ringer you see. Take a drink for every time you move a space in any given line. Take a drink every time you buy something for yourself. Take two drinks for every time an overweight woman nudges you then glares at you. Take two drinks every time you start sweating. Take three drinks when you see an elf touch himself wrongly. Take three drinks for every item you're looking for that's out of stock. Take five drinks for every screaming, crying and generally unhappy baby you see on Santa's lap.
On new year's day Take a drink for every bad decision you made. Take a drink for every episode of a T.V. marathon you watch. Take a drink for every tagged picture from last night. Take a drink for every butt slap or fist pound you see during the football games. Take two drinks every time you choke back vomit. Take two drinks every time you actually get off the couch. Take three drinks every time you get a glass of water. Take eight drinks every time you change your resolution.
HOLIDAY ENTERTAINMENT MATRIX . bloWin’ uP
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madlib: 1) Adjective 2) Farm animal 3) ACC team 4) Number 5 Major 6) City 7) Body part 8) Body part 9) FSU football player 10) Noun 11) Noun 12) Food
13) Noun 14) Blind Celebrity/ Figure 15) Tall structure 16) Holiday 17) Noun 18) Same as #17 19) Undead Creature 20) Planet 21) Your name 22) Third world country
Open Letter to ACC Football Refs
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Dear __1__ __2__(s), Thanks for calling a great game against __3__ the other week. I know you missed __4__ calls, but I respect you guys for trying your best. That __5__ degree you got from __6__ community college is more credible than my common sense, but even though I’m just a casual football fan I have a few pointers for next time: 1. Get your __7__ out of your __8__ and watch the actual game. 2. Don’t throw a flag every time __9__ makes a good play. 3. Read the rulebook, instead of jerking off to __10__. I understand that your wife left you for a __11__, and that nobody loved you as a child because you smelled like __12__, and that your mother is a __13 __, but that doesn’t mean you have to take out your anger on FSU nation. The truth of the matter is __14__ could referee a better game. You guys make ACC stand for Awful Crap Calls. Do us a favor, and jump off __15__, but before you go tell your friends at ACC basketball to start calling better games too. All I want for __16__ is to see a fairly refereed FSU match, oh, and a __17__. Not that you guys have souls to care about the endless joy in__18__(s). I have a theory that your all actually __19__ from __20__ because no human can be this incompetent. Sincerely, __21__ PS) Even the children in __22__ hate you.
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holiday gift guide 2011 Under $25Gift Packages!
MotorolaA
The Party Person - For the person who deadpans “What do you mean you can’t go out? It’s Monday! Coconut Water ($3) - If you don’t drink when you wake up, how are you supposed to drink all day? Sleep Mask ($6) - For when you forget to turn off the strobe light. Glitter ($0.77) - It’s important to look faaaaaaaaabulous. 6 Custom Beer Pong Balls ($14) - People are going to know you mean business.
The Designated DriverAlso known as your own personal guardian angel. Febreeze ($4) - Yes, there’s puke. But also sweat and pee and blood. This car is more disgusting than an army hospital. Barf Bag 5pk ($6.50) - They just cleaned their carpets, dude. C’mon! Compass ($5) and Road Atlas ($10) - For the most ghetto GPS imaginable. No asshole, there’s no Penis Boulevard.
Mr. Super Broke - What do you mean you’re going to be a little late on August rent? Ramen 12pk ($5.99) - Once they’ve eaten the noodles, they can use the cup to beg for change. 6 Shares of Ford stock ($1.81 x 5) - Sometimes it’s important to feel like a CEO. Windex ($3.99) and Paper towel roll ($1.50 x 2) - Get a job, deadbeat!
trix 2 Phone PRICE: $99 (for AT&T, $499.99 without contract) notable features: Android 2.3 network, built-in FM radio, 8 GB internal memory, plus an 8MP front and rear facing camera. (wireless.att.com) why it rocks: This phone is really nice. It has 4G speed, a pretty sweet camera that takes crisp photos and videos. And while many phones have a learning curve that rests somewhere between “rage inducing” and “fuck this, I’ll just use a telegraph,” the Atrix 2 is actually pretty intuitive in its use. Zumocast-- a program that allows you to access files and information stored on your computer’s hard drive—is one of the phone’s best features. Did we mention that this telephone even makes calls and sends texts? Crazy!
Hah, you don't need to answer that. Whether you've been naughty or just down right nasty this year, we've got plenty of gifts that you'll be begging to receive. You do know it's better to give then to receive, though, right? Of course you do... you're not on the nice list for a few very good reasons.
Lululemon
Destined for Greatness Duffel
Timbuk 2M
PRICE: $140 notable features: Weatherproof, industrial strength Velcro, buckle can also double as a bottle opener! (chromebagsstore.com) Why it rocks: This bag is waterproof and roomy enough to put your supplies for the whole day inside of it. If you depend on your bike for transportation, the bag has clips that could hold lights, a U-lock, or your dignity, for when you accidentally run into a car. Not to mention it has adjustable straps to ensure a perfect fit to your bod. Just strap it on and go! As if this bag wasn’t cool enough already… the buckle can double as a bottle opener, making grabbing a beer right as you walk in the door from work or class that much easier. Oh, and it comes with a lifetime guarantee, which already makes it better than marriage.
Are You on the Naughty List?
PRICE: $128 notable features: Goofy labeled pockets-galore to keep your junk organized, stow-able nylon straps to fit any size yoga mat, water-resistant fabric, and can hold up to 50lbs! (lululemon.com) why it rocks: This workout bag is perfect for the gym, or any other on-thego occasion that suggests you would have to carry a ton of shit. Not to mention it’s actually cute! It’s super sturdy straps let you carry gobs of “necessities” with confidence. The bag also features tons of easily accessible pockets (most of which are labeled with quirky suggestions of what to put in them, sadly there’s nothing to hold your shattered dreams) for all your organizational needs. It even has a pocket that is designed to slide your laptop in to keep it safe, because you know how shifty those yogi's can be.
essenger Bag PRICE: $120 notable features: 50 different iconic celebrity faces staring back at you, waterproof exterior, lifetime guarantee and pockets on pockets. (timbuk2.com) why it rocks: This bag is really functional. It’s waterproof, spacious and can be adjusted to fit your frame. Padded straps make lugging around too much crap a little bit less awful. And with tons of pockets with different colored zippers, maybe you can actually find your keys or wallet without dumping all of the contents of the whole bag out. The lconoclast version of this classic Timbuk2 messenger bag is limited edition and is made with fabric that has the faces of 50 different cultural icons printed on it. Each is unique, depending on what swatch of fabric was used, which is cool. Anyone you get this for will use it everyday. Except for Sunday, that’s the Lord’s day.
Lap Dock 100 Motorola
Chrome
Citizen Buckle Messenger Bag
www.theblacksheeponline.com
PRICE: $249.99 notable features: High resolution, bright 10.1 screen, can be hooked up to a variety of phones (best paired with the Atrix 2), Motoprint application makes printing easy. (motorola.com) why it rocks: The lapdock makes using the web on the go easy and convenient, without having to lug around a heavy laptop (that would most likely only connect to wifi anyway). Just connect your phone to the port on the back of the device and you instantly have a bigger screen and a keyboard. It’s so much better than trying to use a tiny touch screen with your stubby sausage fingers. Hell, it’s so good it made us forget they aired those annoying commercials during the NCAA tournament last year.
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PRICE: $7.99 - $9.99 for a six pack (includes Bellaire Brown, Black Cheery Porter, Chocolate Wheat, Pandemonium Pale Ale, Autumn Ale, Huma Lupa Licious IPA) Notable features: Delicious, high quality ingredients make this micro-brew delicious. (shortsbrewing.com) WHY IT RULES: All of these beers are rid-donk-licious, and can be considered a special treat for anyone (21 and up) on your holiday list. Shorts Brewing Company consciously only uses the finest ingredients and it shows. They really know what they’re doing when it comes to creating tasty brewskies. Not to mention that all of these beers have an ABV% of at least 5? If getting drunk in a warm, Keystone-free cocoon of smiles is your aim, Shorts will definitely do the trick.
Homebrewers Outpost
Beer Making Starter Kit PRICE: $134.99 (includes ingredients) Notable features: Everything you need to brew your own divine beers while still being cost effective. (homebrewers.com) WHY IT RockS: With this kit you’re able create your own beer at a fraction of the cost of buying delicious high-gravity craft beers elsewhere. Once you have the equipment, it’s easy to order ingredients. The process is easy enough, too (check back in the first issue of the 2nd semester as we try to make our own beer.) Brewing is the ultimate bragging right, it makes you superior to all your friends, because you’re getting tipsy off of your own hard work. What else could a beer guru dream of?
Peligroso Reposado
42 Tequila PRICE: $44.99 Notable features: Smooth, wonderful and full of the promise of a magnificent time. (peligrosotequila.com) WHY IT RockS: Everyone loves tequila, right? Well, Peligoros Reposado 42 is perfect for any holiday party. While all of your kind of trashy, lame friends from home are throwing down shot after shot of Burnett’s or Jose Cuervo, you’ll look like the epitome of class when you whip this bad boy bottle out. And since this tequila is still pretty new, you can be really vague as to where you got it. “Oh, I just know a guy…” will have your friends thinking you know someone in the cartel. Don’t forget the salt and limes!
Galaxy Tablet 10.1 Samsung
Short's Brewery
Variety Pack
PRICE: $499.99 (for 16 GB) notable features: Includes Adobe flash, brilliantly crisp widescreen display, and weighs only 1.25 pounds. (samsung.com) Why it rocks: This tablet is awesome. The high-resolution screen is really crisp and the tablet itself has so. many. features. Even before you start downloading different apps like crazy. It has all the amenities of a laptop, but is incredibly easy to take on the go, and with 16 gigs of memory and almost 10 hours of battery life, using adult movies to weird out the guy sitting next to you on the airplane has never been easier. Also, it makes it easy to keep track of your plethora of social engagements… erm, exams and deadlines… with the agenda calendar right at your fingertips. It runs on the new and improved Android 3.1 Honeycomb network, which is still pretty similar to previous versions— making the conversion really easy. Check one of these out soon!
! s e g 5 a 2 k $ c a r e P d ft i G Un
For the Lusty Lover
(They’re spare hole fits your round peg surprisingly well.) Bottle of Boone’s Farm Strawberry Hill ($3.99) - If they’re actually excited about this, make sure you card them. Hard. Whipped Cream ($2.99) - If nothing else, it gives you an excuse to shower together. Tea Lights ($5.99) - Really set the mood, until you start your apartment on fire. Redbox Flick ($0.99) - If you play your cards right, you’ll be flickin’ their red box.
FOR THE Super Greek
(He’s totally your best brah that happens to be a brah in a house, brah.) Knock-off Wayfarers ($4.99) - Because the sun never sets on cool. Collegiate sweat band ($3.99) - I go hard for my school, what, do you go to state or somethin’? Beer Bong ($12.99) - Not chug-a-lug house! Leather Cleaner ($3.49) - It’s always important to keep those Sperry's fresh.
for the Study Buddy
(Friends don’t let friends go into tests unprepared.) 30 Adderall ($3.25) - If they don’t study all the info, how are they supposed to make sure you pass your test? Daily Planner ($9.99) - After you lost your syllabus, they let you know when the tests occur. Ambient Music Mix ($0.00) - They’ve got to focus all night if you’re going to learn trigonometry. Quiet Library Snacks ($4.49) - You wouldn't want them to be the douche eating Sunchips, would you?)
Price: $89 (large, 38' diameter) NOTABLE FEATURES: Party tricks, potential of abs and popularity, did we mention it lights the f up? (moodhoops.com) why it rocks: Uh, how a LED light-up hula hoop not rock? With one push of a button the whole thing goes apeshit with internal LED lights that dance and move on their own. When being used, the hooper is completely enveloped in bright, colorful lights! By default this will attract anyone cool in your path and will make you extremely popular in no time! Hula hooping has also become very popular as a way of working out, so you could get a spring break ready body WHILE entertaining the drunken masses. It would be irresponsible NOT to get this for someone on your list (or just keep for yourself instead).
holiday gift guide 2011
Quiz: What High School Friend Are You? 1. On the ride home with your parents, you couldn’t stop talking about… A) How the beautiful landscape reminds you that He loves you in a way your parents could never quite fathom. B) How every mile away from campus your heart aches more and more, knowing you’ll be out of his loving embrace for a whole month. C) How you can’t wait to unpack all your shit. And Mom, if you threw away that KoRn tapestry, I swear to god you’re buying me a new one. 2. The first thing you did when you walked into your old room… A) You took down your “Co-Exist” bumper sticker. What’s the point when you’ve found the one? B) You took down the hitter box you
Key:
1) A: 2 B: 1 C: 3 2) A: 2 B: 3 C: 1 3) A: 3 B: 1 C: 2 4) A: 1 B: 3 C: 2 5) A: 1 B: 2 C: 3 6) A: 2 B: 3 C: 1 7) A: 1 B: 2 C: 3 8) A: 3 B: 2 C: 1
stashed in your closet. After the car ride with those losers you really need to take the edge off. C) You took down that Kate Upton poster. She just doesn’t compare anymore. 3. The first thing you notice about your best bud from high school is… A) You no longer think of him as a best bud, that’s reserved for the Purple Nurple, man. B) He’s not wearing a promise ring. C) That beer belly and long hair are a clear sign he doesn’t consider his body a temple for The Lord.
5. The party was lame so you decide to catch a flick instead. You suggest… A) “The Muppets, I kinda missed most if it when I went with her.” B) “The Muppets, I haven’t protested a movie in a while.” C) “The Muppets, I hear it syncs up with My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy, if you start playing it on your iPhone when Animal bangs the kick drum in the 3rd song.”
4. When said buddy asks if you want to hit up a party, you respond, A) “Do they have Skype? I need to use it.”
6. Driving around your hometown, you never realized there was so many… A) People who are destined for hell.
8-13: You’ve found love!
While most of your friends will come back from college regaling you with tails of depravity and lost innocence, you’ll be telling them about the quiet Friday night you and Beth spent sipping hot cocoa and looking through photo albums. It’s all good though, those friends weren’t really getting any, they’re just narrating a movie they once saw on YouPorn.
Meet The Staff!
14-19: You’ve found God!
There you were, ready to take that 4th hit of acid, when a cat turns to you and says, “Have you found your Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?” The next day you realized you hadn’t, from then on, it’s only been Jesus Juice for you.
campus manager James Tufenkdjian
Carmen Dual Jessica Green
Advertising Manager Skylar Fillmore Stefanie Lipton
marketing team Aaron Ramirez (Manager) Kelly Valdez (Intern) Philippa Main (Intern)
editorial Manager Megan Fontaine distribution Team Micheal Fury (Manager) Gordon Safko (Intern) Writers Bryce Josepher Harley Shine Samantha Malone Evans Prater Ashley Romano Jill Bordonaba Jason Montes Elizabeth Hodapp
B) “When did the party ever stop, dude?” C) “Let me put on my Temple garments first.”
campus director Brendan Bonham Founders James Tufenkdjian Skylar Fillmore Brendan Bonhan Atish Doshi Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio Jessica Sommers Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com 217-390-1747
B) Fuckin’ hot high school sophomores! C) Reasonably-priced homes for you and Karen to move into in three years. 7. When you run into the high school loser, you can’t help but say, A) “I’VE HAD SEX!” B) “Christ can heal more than just your physical body, my Brother.” C) “Hey, does Shakey Bakes have anything new in?” 8. To you, Christmas is really about… A) The presents you can return so you can finally buy that new vaporizer you’ve been eyeing. B) A day of celebration, for He has finally come. C) Making sure you have enough text messages left to keep in touch with your baby.
20-24: You’ve found…college isn’t really for you.
After a semester of hanging out with some bros, plowin’ some hoes, seein’ some shows and snortin’ some No-Doz, you’ve had a blast. And while your social life is a solid 4.0, your GPA is closer to 0.4. Maybe living with the parents for the rest of your life really isn’t that bad.
Find Us At... Olde Fields Waterworks Voo Doo Dog Po Boys Creole Café El Patron 101 Restaurant & Lounge Mint Lounge Status Liquor Bullwinkle’s Saloon Alladin’s Shisha Cafe Pug Mahone’s Rehab The Art of the Catwalk
Nuberri Frozen Yogurt House of Glass Tomahawk Sports Bar & Grill Mucho Cigaros Mellow Mushroom Liqour Loft Proof Tatty Daddy Yogurt Mountain New place that was Buffalo Wild Wings 1111 on High Dominos Big 10 All Saints Cafe
PAC Garnet and Gold 10 minute auto repair Jim and Milt’s Aveda Golds Ritas Tanning by southgate Tanning by shisha sweet shop Shisa Cafe Studio Green Fat Sandwich Bob’s Auto Furrin auto mikes liquor
Gumbys Pitaria donut kingdom Jimmie Johns Mr. Robotos Renegade Momo’s FSU Credit Union Coldstone Starbucks ABC Liquors Ruby Tuesdays Magic and Fun costume shop TCBY Chipotle Jersey Mikes Guthries
Wing Stop Stevie B’s Dollar Store Pita Pit Subway Zingales Checkers Banditos CampusEdge Convenience Store Crepe Vine Gordos Roly Poly’s All Greeks Houses Major Apts. Street Teams Bins!
Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or underage drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
SHOW US YOUR BOOZE: BOOK OF MATTHEW 2:1-12
They came from the east when they saw his star rise...
They came to pay homage to a new king...
The Three Wise Men.
The evil King Herod had also heard the news.
Threatened, he summoned the Three Wise Men to his court...
And demanded they find this new king...
...so Herod could destroy him.
They paid him no mind and continued their journey.
The star stopped, they arrived.
Inside, they presented the new King with three presents...
Goldschlager, the dankest scents, and beer.
For he truly was King of the Booze!
Meanwhile...
Holiday Partyscopes!
Sagittarius (Nov. 21 - Dec 21.) You are trying way too hard to impress your relatives. I mean, you haven’t really done anything impressive. Yeah, you outdrank that senior at Alpha Sigma Alcohol once, but you can’t exactly tell your family that. Just shut the fuck up and hope they glaze over your recent arrest record.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You’re most likely that awkward college kid still at the kid’s table. It’s unfortunate. You’re not exactly mature, so it’s not like you deserve a spot at the adult table, but you’re also not about to fling a handful of mashed potatoes at your aunt. Actually, you might do that. Revenge is a bitch, family! Who’s laughing now?
Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) Oh god. Family, You are soooooo uncomfortable. Who do you talk to? What do you say? You don’t want to tell your life story to relative strangers. Are they judging me? Shit, I should’ve showered…Ok calm down spaz attack. Just smile and have a mouthful in at all times so no one can get a word in edgewise. You can’t talk if you’re wolfing down potatoes and gravy like there’s no tomorrow.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You love this holiday because it makes you feel useful. You can help prepare the turkey, greet your relatives, calm the screaming cousins, etc. Enjoy it while you can; after everyone wakes up from their tryptophan coma, you’ll go back to being a freeloader on your dad’s basement couch. Get up and go get a job asshole.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 -Feb. 18) You hate everything else, so of course you’re going to loathe family get-togethers. As the resident Negative Nancy of the family everything from the food to the cousins to the family charades aren’t up to your standards. That’s probably why you’re going to get a serving or two, go into the T.V. room, and watch reruns of Desperate Housewives until your extended family leaves. Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 20) You should have a large bottle of Valium handy, because you cannot handle people. They make you nervous. Looking nice, being kind, in general attempting to be presentable is just too overwhelming for you. I get it, you’re socially awkward. But maybe at least try a smile or two? The least you can do is bring the candied yams in. Aries (March 21 - Apr. 19) Let’s, be honest, you are probably a huge fatass. In your normal life, you shove cheese curds down your throat like a Playboy Playmate at a Charlie Sheen party. Good for you tiger, this is your holiday. Live it up, eat everything in sight, and try to not give yourself a hernia. Expect to puke up turkey for at least 4 days after. Taurus (Apr. 20 - May 20) You generally utilize the holidays to attempt to wheedle money out of your relatives at all costs. You are not above bribing, sucking up, and blatant pandering. It is pathetic to watch, but what do you care? You’re getting your cash money. Your gluttony fits in nicely with the most recent holiday, you greedy bastard.
Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) Having all of your family in one place provides you ample opportunities to show off. If we get real here, you don’t feel validated unless someone tells you you’re awesome at least once a day. You might as well just wear a t-shirt with your grade transcript printed on it. (Helpful hint: you’re the annoying , overzealous cousin.) Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) You have always been the “good child”. While your siblings got arrested for underage drinking or selling crack in an alleyway, you always kept your nose clean (literally). The family is proud of you, and we here at the Sheep applaud you for not slipping into the age-old college trap of stripping to “get through college” and then just staying there for 5 years. Better not fuck up or you’ll let everyone down. Enjoy the pressure! Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) Both sides of your family are batshit crazy. And they hate each other. They vie for the attention of you and your siblings because you are actually normal and marginally well adjusted. What in the hell do you when they both gun at you, trying to shove cranberry sauce in your mouth? RUN BITCH. Grab a drumstick and hide in your room until everyone is too drunk to fight. I’m so sorry. Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) Rumors of your promiscuity have traveled from school back to your family (most likely through an unblocked facebook profile. Security that shit UP.) They are all going to stare at you and that giant bruise on your neck awkwardly when you ask for more stuffing. Be patient sweetheart, you’ll get stuffed soon enough back at school.
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