The Black Sheep
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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 2, Issue 2 1/26/12 - 2/16/12
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FSU Students Demand “practical” Courses In Preparation For End of the World
jason montes wrote this New year. New attitude. 2012 paranoia is sweeping across FSU. This semester, as Religion courses are poised to reach max capacity, students are begging university officials to implement new survival courses that would prepare them for doomsday. “I’m tired of taking required courses like Computer Literacy and ENC1101. They’re pointless. I need classes that I could actually use in the future, like Apocalypse Survival 101,” said Jacob Alston, a sophomore. “The university should get Bear Grylls to come in and guest speak. I think everybody could benefit from that.” Not including the religion department, the once-energetic and lively campus has now become quiet and despondent. After winter break you would think that students would be thrilled to get back in the swing of college life: ready for heated discussions, club meetings, and all-night homework sessions. However, at the start of the spring semester this has not been the case. Class attendance is at an all-time low. A new poll shows that students would rather screen movies like The Day After Tomorrow and Zombieland than go to class. One Tuesday afternoon Jacob invited me to his dorm where he showed me his movie library. “I need to prepare for the worst. The Mayans weren’t specific as to how the world was going to end so the research must be extensive,” said Jacob as he gave me a notepad which highlighted important survival techniques Kevin Costner used in the film Waterworld. It also held schematics for a number
Other stuff
Inside
of makeshift zombie killing weapons from Dawn of the Dead and Dead Rising. “It could be zombies, it could be a meteor, it could be aliens or apes, anything. We need to be ready for the unknown.” “It’s all over now, why should I be afraid of missing class?” said Emily, one of Jacob’s friends who frequents his daily movie screenings. “I’ve got other aspirations now, like learning how to sprout gills.” In response to the student’s protest, schedule makers haven’t done much to subside the rally. They offered Metaphysics with Dr. Fu Manchu as the best alternative, insisting that anyone that can understand his accent and pass the class, can survive anything. The clear winner in this trend of stoic academic behavior would have to be the bars and nightclubs. I took a tip from Jacob on where I might discover student life and visited one of Tallahassee’s popular saloons. It was 2p.m. on a Tuesday and was surprised that the place was open. Not only was the place packed, but there was also a line to get in. The floor was filled with frat boys who couldn’t hold a real conversation without quoting Old School, and art majors suspended for not being trendy enough, and all manner of college bums.
Hey, you almost made it to february! see page 4
Death of Your New Year’s Resolution
Here, I learned that 2012 paranoia wasn’t just a state of mind or an excuse to party; rather, it was a second, and possibly last, chance to live. The “practical” knowledge that students like Jacob craved could be discovered here: how to fight someone bigger than you, how to build lifelong relationships. This saloon was where real learning was taking place, not in a classroom. “The end of the world is coming!” I shouted into the crowd. “We’re going streaking!” one frat boy shouted back.
A Guide to the 2012 Republican Candidates see page 5
Republicant’s
we take a look at the forever lazy. see page 14
Why Does This Exsist?
page two
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Table of > > >
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contents
PAGE 4 >>>
From the Streets
PAGE 7 >>>
Beer Snobbery 101
page 7 >>>
The Top Ten
page 10 >>>
Bartender of the Issue
PAGE 11 >>>
Suicidal Students at FSU
What’s the most embarrassing thing you’re willing to admit publicly?
7 10
Did you know Keystone Light isn’t the only beer the world makes?
Cities That Are Better Than Tallahassee
Mike from Proof wants to buy a pretty girl some Taco Bell.
Stupid seating struggles suggest starward suicide statistics among students.
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From 'da Streets
The Death of
What’s the most private thing you’re willing to admit publicly?
Your New Year’s Resolution
“Haha. I don’t know, sometimes I fart in class! Silently of course.” - Barbara H., Sophomore
Rachel Young wrote this December and January are the months dedicated to family, gifts, love and eventual unfulfilled promises. Let’s explore exactly why you’re not becoming a better person this year. (From here on, I will refer to those people who used the New Year as an opportunity to alter their life in a huge way ‘resolutionaries.’) Resolution: To lose weight Fails by: Mid February Better Resolution: Take the stairs Something about December makes being active impossible, yet January is the beacon of tight asses and flat stomachs that inspires visits to yoga studios and Shake Weight purchases. We begin our transformation by posting pictures of Victoria’s Secret models on our fridges and spending $80 on protein, knowing that it will go straight to our hypothetical triceps. We fantasize about tight bodies and supple muscles and being able to have sex in a position other than missionary. Even Michelangelo would travel through time and space to re-envision the David in the likeliness of our chiseled bodies. Then it’s the New Year. Gym membership brandished like a sharpened sword, the resolutionaries consider themselves ready to join the elite class of people who can climb stairs and not break a sweat. Then, slowly, dinner plans are made in lieu of the 6:30 body tone class. Our eating habits revert to 2011’s diet of big macs and milkshakes. This becomes worrisome when Dr. Phil takes precedence over taking your dog for a walk around your neighborhood. Resolution: To open a savings account Fails by: Your next DUI Better Resolution: Try not to violate traffic laws It begins with living in your parents’ basement, and more often than not, ends there. With the $200 that your Aunts and Uncles gave you for the holidays, the resolutionaries open a savings account and arrange to have one-third of their paycheck deposited to it every week. It’s slow going, mainly because making minimum wage does not allow for much leeway, but they remain focused their future full of business cards, executive offices and shiny new cars. But the only
new car they see is the police car flashing in their rear-view mirror, pulling them over for those beers they drank to celebrate their bright futures. Rather than making any big changes that would benefit you years down the road, deciding to try and not break the law seems like a better, more immediately satisfying option. That way you can spend the extra 20 dollars you have left over at the end of the month on buying that girl with the tracks in her hair Long Island iced teas, only to be left alone that night because you still sleep on their parent’s clearance sale pull-out couch. Resolution: To not get pregnant Fails by: September Better Resolution: Know your baby’s daddy It is a goal of every woman of reproductive age- to live another 12 months of partying without responsibilities, without a little bald person at home who dictates when they eat, sleep and breathe. As a weekly battle for most women (…daily for some) it seems unlikely that it would need to be dignified as a New Year’s Resolution. After a blacked out New Year’s Eve, it is a better suited resolution would be to simply know the baby daddy’s name The ability to claim a dependant on your taxes may be worth it. Resolution: Focus on schoolwork Fails by: Midterms Better Resolution: Take easier classes New year, new semester… New study habits. Amid a sea of mediocrity, there comes a time when a student decides that it’s his turn to shine. This decision usually coincidences with the beginning of the new semester in January, following a winter break of eternal damnation in which all rights and freedoms are revoked because of a 2.8 GPA. All or nothing rapidly turns into all-ish or kinda nothing. It may have been the lack of advising on the school’s part or the lack of research on the student’s part,
but this class and the participation point bullshit is really putting a damper on... just about everything. Midway through the semester, you resolutionaries just couldn’t give enough shits about the daily journals you have yet to finish. After all, the average student does enough schoolwork during extracurricular activities. The amount of vodka cranberries you ingest per week is directly proportional to how dark the bar is and how low the bass is. The median of those, divided by the height of maximum fist pumping potential plus the amount of Jersey Shore that is watched, when graphed with half the number of grenades in the bar is how many times you will be getting laid this semester. Fuck it, C’s get degrees.
“Umm, I eat pizza like, every time I get drunk.” - Alrien J., Junior
Resolution: Do more of what makes you happy Fails by: January 2nd Better Resolution: Keep your same daily routine FirstWorldProblem: Where on this green earth do you find the time to enjoy life’s simple pleasures? Never mind working double overtime to support yourself and your various habits (good and bad) and turning tricks on the street to be able to pay for gas, how can you find the availability to go read a book by a lake or go to brunch with you upper-middle class fiancé at your favorite cafe when you have season four of Dexter calling your name? This problem plagues society, but, in reality, there is not problem. This resolution confronts itself in a matter of hours when the resolutionary reverts back to his/her previous routine. Yes, this means that unless you are being thrown into the depths of hell or being forced to swallow, you are mostly likely doing exactly what you want to/have the drive to do with you life. Continue eating your taquitos, resolutionaries.
“I have a secret weakness/attraction for Morgan Freeman. I want him to read me bedtime stories.” - Jesse O., Senior
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Republican’ts: A Guide to the 2012 Republican Candidates J.N. Bordonaba wrote this Whip your caucus out, America- it’s election year! The race for the Republican presidential nomination is in full swing. Sadly, for the Republicans, the campaign trail is starting to resemble the Trail of Tears. Now that all of the candidates providing any sort of diversity are gone, the Republican presidential nominee in this year’s election will most likely be an old rich white man (finally, their time has come!). But how will you see through the whiteout? Here’s a list of the candidates and some predicted setbacks that might hurt their campaigns. Mitt “The Terminator” Romney For the second time, Mitt Romney, former Governor of Massachusetts, is running for the Republican nomination and, for the second time, Romney’s dead gaze will unsettle primary voters nationwide. Apparently, Romney’s initial creators never bothered to program a personality, and it‘ll be up to crafty campaign managers to assimilate Romney to the human race. Predicted Campaign Setback: During one of nine thousand televised debates, Romney malfunctions. He is lambasted by the media and his campaign suffers when Skynet’s Super PAC refuses to provide any more funding. Rick “Google It” Santorum If you were in a crowded room with Rick Santorum, you probably wouldn’t be able to point him out. If you and Rick Santorum were in an empty room, you still wouldn’t be able to find him. The most interesting thing about Rick is the result you get when you Google his name. Predicted Campaign Setback: Santorum makes it pretty far in the race, but makes a fatal error when he mentions that he is considering choosing former Tempe mayor, Alfred “Dirty” Sanchez, as his running mate. Ron “Inexplicably Popular” Paul 76-year-old Congressman Ron Paul is the oldest candidate for the Republican nomination, yet somehow he is the most appealing to young voters. Presumably, this has something to do with
marijuana decriminalization. Predicted Campaign Setback: Paul attends a rally amongst his young supporters to watch the primary results in Missouri. The rally breaks out into a flash mob to LMFAO’s “Party Rock Anthem” (naturally). Paul is so confused and startled that he becomes violently ill. Embarrassed by the onslaught of viral videos (“Ron Paul Party Puke!”), Paul drops out of the race. Newt “I Love the 90s” Gingrich In the “Where Are They Now?” category of candidates is Newt Gingrich. Remember him? He was Speaker of the House during the Clinton administration. Those were good times for Newt, and now he’s come out of his cave (where he’s been avoiding his ex-wives) to get back in the spotlight. Predicted Campaign Setback: With public support waning, Gingrich is desperate to relive the glory days of the 90’s. He is contacted by a scientist who convinces Gingrich that he can travel back to 1995, when Gingrich was named “Man of the Year” by Time Magazine. During the experiment, the pair are attacked by Libyan nationals, and Gingrich is never seen again. However, we now have hover boards. Of course, there are more candidates, but as the race continues it’s predicted that those candidates will drop out quicker than a moose in the sights of Sarah Palin. And, of course, none of these predictions are set in stone. But do you know what prediction IS set in stone? That the world will end this year. So remember that in the voting booths, America, and vote for Donald Trump. His hair will protect us.
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beer snobbery 101 ana butler wrote this
To be a beer snob is a life-style choice. It’s a way of drinking that appreciates the brew and the endearing process that accompanies a well-made beer. In the name of The Black Sheep readers everywhere and in pursuit of true journalism, myself and two fellow writers, Ashley and Evans, willingly explored a few of the most distinguished beers on tap at the Fermentation Lounge, a local mecca for good beer (you can thank us later). Despite my best efforts to research the art of proper beer sampling, I honestly can say my beer tasting skills are subpar at best, and the others were just as inexperienced. But never fear, one of Fermentation Lounge’s finest bartenders, Trevor, was there to save the day - or more appropriately, the night. Though I was reluctant to give my own opinion on the dynamics of each brew, his insight carries a lot of weight and for that I realized that there really is a quality beer for everyone. Just for a point of reference your average Bud Light, Michelob Ultra, and Natty Light have a 4.2% alcohol content, while MGD 64 and Bud Select (laaaadies) only has a 2.4% alcohol content. With percentages ranging from 5.5 to a whopping 10.2, the assortment listed here is not for lightweights. Okocim OK Origin: Poland Type: Neutral Pale Lager What are you getting?: A dry beer, referred to as “Ferm’s most popular lager”, with a 6.2% alcohol content. Trevor called this one the European Budweiser, it’s a good beer to drink massive quantities of because there isn’t that strong of an aftertaste but still has a much richer flavor to it than a Bud. Éphémère Apple Origin: French Canada Type: White Ale Brew with Apple Must (strange name, but bear with me) What are you getting?: A personal favorite of all the samplers. There was only a little bite of alcohol, but it wasn’t overly sweet either. The alcohol content for the Éphémère is 5.5% and likely to get you buzzing for more. Both Ashley and Evan enjoyed this one, so it’s a solid choice in our book. Smuttynose Robust Porter Origin: New Hampshire Type: An American-Style Porter What are you getting?: Oh those Northeasterners, so pretentious in their naming but so on-point with their beer. This all American beaut was dark and surprisingly chocolately. With the inherent richness of this stout and its 5.7% alcohol content this would not be
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THe top ten
Cities Better than Tallahassee If Stachybotrys and E. Coli don’t turn you on, there’s something wrong with you. I know drinking vodka cranberries chased with melted toilet water ice cubes aids in the grandeur of the glorious city of Tallahassee, but some cities don’t even match up to the our local haunts. 10) Detroit, MI While some people say Detroit is the least safe city in America, I say it has culture. The murals in this “unsafe” city are quite impressive. There are painted bridges all over town. Why not picnic under one? The hobo population (which is far superior to ours) will thank you. This place already sounds better than Tallahassee. What do we have? A mural next to the Sunoco off of Gaines. 9) Hialeah, FL This little jewel gets overshadowed by the (overrated) city of Miami. I have two words for you: Cuban food. With the second-highest population of Cubans in the country, the food has to be dank. By contrast, food in Tallahassee sucks. Just mosey on down to Hialeah and get the food these high end places are trying to make. So what if there’s a dog in the kitchen? Paco needs a friend too.
an ideal beer for a the binge drinker (which is a very unhealthy habit in the first place, stop). Great Divide’s Old Ruffian Origin: Denver, Co. Type: Barley Wine What are you getting?: Drunk, in a word. The old Ruffian is sitting pretty with 10.2% ABV, but is surprisingly tolerable in taste. Don’t misunderstand me, this is a both bold and bitter beer but still endowed with slight detections of carmel and...pine? Weird, who knew tree flavor could be so damn delicious? North Coast Old Rasputin Origin: Mendocino Coast, California Type: Russian Imperial Stout What are you getting?: This one hit home for me twice, being Russian and from California, I already knew I’d love the beer. Strange. It has this intense flavor and higher alcohol content, 9%, that usually accompanies a good Russian Imperial Stout. When I say intense, it’s very hoppy and has a lingering roast malt taste that qualifies it to be a “man’s beer”. Ashley, being just as refined as yours truly also hinted at the strong flavor induction in your mouth. It’s one of those beers that would be perfect anytime you’re doubting your masculinity, which surprisingly for myself is very rare. So kids, the moral of the story? Beer is more than a kegger on a Friday night. Go out, and venture to a whole new world of alcohol consumption. Prepare your taste buds for this divine experience with a big meal beforehand and with a sober driver afterwards. And always remember to tip your bartender (that one’s for you Trev). Still thirsty? Check out TheBlackSheepOnline.com to get your weekly review on more tasty taps.
8) Fairbanks, AK The weather in Tallahassee is the worst of both worlds. We get the humidity like we are in South Florida, and it gets cold but never snows. Why not go to a place where it snows and the sun’s always shinning? Sounds like an excuse to drink all day to me. And they have a strip club called “The Great Alaskan Bush Company.” I shit you not. 7) Boysack, Anus, Cockplay, Twatt, Cockburn, Titty Ho These places are better than Tallahassee just because of their names. You’re bound to have a good time in Cockburn, Australia. It gives going down under a whole new meaning. 6) Jersey City, NJ Like the guidos from Jersey Shore? Well, here’s your chance to meet real and authentico Italians from New Jersey. I’m sure you can find fried pickles somewhere in this place. There’s even a fantastic view of Manhattan here. So what if there are almost ten thousand crimes in this city every year? It builds character. 5) The Shaw Neighborhood in Washington D.C. Tallahassee has FAMU but this neighborhood has Shaw University. It’s the oldest Black college in the South, and home to Ben’s Chili Bowl. If Barack Obama and Bill Cosby go there to eat, it has to be good. Whoever said areas outside of the Capitol are bad was totally lying. 4) Cumming, GA With a name like this Cumming may deserve to be on the awesome names list, but this little hick town will leave you wanting more. There are rumors that some of the girls don’t have teeth! Ever had that fear fellas, that your lady friend would bite down on your junior? Well, leave those fears at Cumming’s city limits. 3) Fargo, ND If a city has a movie named in its honor, it has to be good. The small town hosts events like “Passive Architecture” and “The Fargo Wood Chipper Exhibit.” Take a look at the west side of our campus and see if we ever worried about architecture. Or wood chipping. 2) Oklahoma City, OK You know how Universal Orlando claims you can “ride out” a twister? Skip the pansy shit and head straight to the source. Why not go to the heart of Tornado Alley and “ride it out” for yourself? Sorry Tallahassee, hail doesn’t cut it. 1) Mos Eisley, Tatooine Have you ever seen the cantina scene from Star Wars? Who wouldn’t want to hang out there? So what if it’s a hive of scum and villainy, the entertainment’s out of this world. Just stick to your story, and maybe one day people will start believing that the other guy shot first.
ashley romano wrote this
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Bartenderof the Issue
Mike Nier proof
Hometown: Ft. Lauderdale, FL YEAR/MAJOR: Senior, and ISS, it’s within the Sociology department. Relationship status: My Facebook status is single
drinking game:
I broke into my house, later to realize that I had my keys the whole time Do you have a hidden talent? I’m really good at the Indo Board Who is your favorite musician? Drake
What do you like most about your job? Making people have a good time
What’s your favorite sports team? Miami Heat. I’m a big D Wade fan
What do you dislike most about your job? When it’s 2a.m. and I have to kick people out
Best drunk meal: Taco Bell
If you could be any animal what would it be? Panda Bear
What are your career aspirations? I want to own a pizzeria. Want to have really great pizza, craft beer, and hip music
Wildest/Weirdest night out? Recently, it was this past Christmas Day. I went to Midtown and lost my phone and fuzzy hat. On top of that
What do you look for in an ideal mate? Must be clean and tidy- have cleanliness, can hangout, and have a good smile
thumper
Thumper? I don’t even know her. The game that makes the moment at every party where it’s time to give the busty chick the universal gesture for jacking off go considerably smoother. What You’ll Need: Stable furniture, pent-up aggression, friends, and any form of alcohol. (Germans are not necessary but highly recommended.) Number of Players: Six people will work; but the more people you’ve got, the higher level of perversion you’ll reach. Shoot for eight to twelve. Level of Intoxication: Drunk enough that you’ll wake up to find a VCR improperly installed to your microwave with the melted sequel to Bambi inside. How to Play: - Gather everyone around a table, they’re allowed to beat the crap out of it. - Each player comes up with his/her own hand gesture. If you’re stumped, try to think of a gesture you’d like to see the tittly girl sitting across from you perform. - After all players have gotten a chance to remember everyone else’s gestures, everyone begins drumming on the table, and they do so until the round ends. - The leader then shouts, “What’s the name of the game?” And everyone else answers, “Thumper!” The leader then asks, “Why do we play?” And everyone responds, “To get fucked up!” Or, “To hinder judgment and make sexually suggestive hand signals that will hopefully lead to a poor decision at some point later tonight!" - The leader then performs his gesture (say, air-drinking a cup of tea with proper, pinkieextended technique) followed by another player’s gesture (say, fisting to forearm depth in the circle he made with his other arm). The player whose gesture was last performed, Air-Fister (not to be confused with the porn-version of The Last Air Bender), now does his own gesture followed by a different player’s gesture. - The round continues until a player either screws up one of the two gestures, takes too long to finish, or forgets a gesture entirely. The drumming then stops and the loser is singled-out with chants of, “You suck (5x). Drink bitch!” - The loser then becomes the new leader and the cycle repeats. The game is over once you’ve shattered your roommate’s glass coffee table and he doesn’t even give a shit.
recipe for disaster:
Bacon-Wrapped Sausage Bacon or sausage? Always with the ultimatum. Tired of having to order a number six and a seven off the breakfast menu at the local D’s just to do what they should already be doing? Yeah, I’m talking about merging the deliciousness of those wavy strips of red, white, and reddish-white brown and the lusciousness of those links of porkish-ecstasy. Enough talk. Let’s put this pig back together. What You’ll Need: Toothpicks, a 1/2 lb. of bacon, and a 1/2 lb. package of pork sausage are all that’s required, but a few slices of American cheese, maple syrup, two encased dead baby chickens, and about a quarter box of pancake mix will allow you to finish the job that Ronny McDonny has always refused to. Cook Time: Drunk, a good hour. Sober, forty-five minutes. Fatty Factor: There are 560 calories in a sausage McGriddle and 420 calories in the bacon variant. That’s roughly 1,000 calories - so double that. Let’s Get Baked: - While still in the package, slice the bacon strips in half length-wise. Cut the sausage into pieces roughly the same width as your bacon. - Wrap the bacon strips around the sausages and hold in place with toothpicks. - Place your mini Franken-pigs on a cookie sheet and throw these puppies in the oven set at 300°F for 45 minutes. (Optional) McMcGriddle or The Number 67 - So you’ve decided that you’re capable of making executive decisions at McDonald’s and you’re about to make the McMcGriddle at four in the morning, congrats. If you’re in a poor enough condition that you need instructions to scramble eggs and pan up some cakes, maybe you shouldn’t push your luck any further. You’re going to need it to remember to remove the toothpicks. - Shove your eggs and your meat abomination inside a big-ass pancake and fold. You’ve just created a completely mobile breakfast. Go fuck yourself, cereal bar.
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suicidal students at fsu If you’ve been a student at Florida State for more than a week and a half, chances are you know about our little problem. Everyone knows it exists, but nobody is willing to talk about it. We just wander around, feigning ignorance until we’re forced to face the ugly truth. Some cry. Other scream. There are prayers thrown around to every deity you care to name. But none of it does any good, for anyone. For you see… Finding somewhere to sit at this school is impossible. That’s right, I said it. Our distinct lack of ass receptacles is a huge cause for concern. Whether you’re outside or in, chances are you’ll spend more time meandering through the crowds looking for a spot to sit than actually getting work done. And when you do uncover that Holy Grail of Gluteal Glory, you hang on to it for dear life. It doesn’t matter if it’s the most uncomfortable metal-and-plastic torture device on the planet; anything that gets you off your feet for a few minutes is a Godsend. Chairs that come with computer privileges are even tougher to come by. At any given time you’ll be able to find three or four people making a circuit of the main floor of the library, vainly hoping to steal a computer out from under someone.
megan fontaine wrote this
“But wait,” you might be saying, “Nobody has ever committed suicide over a chair before!” Surely the estimable FSU-centric news sources would have reported something as shocking as that! And you would be right. Nobody has actively sought to kill themselves for want of a chair. But silence is consent, just like your frat brothers always told you, and in this case FSU students are consenting en masse to a crispy-fried fiery death. At least twice this semester students have staunchly refused to give up their seats in lieu of a fire alarm. Once in the food court and once at the library, students kept their asses down in protest of the idea of saving their own lives. “Why should we care,” their silent outrage cried, “if were burned alive? What life would we be able to lead without these chairs to provide us with posterior pleasure?” And so they sat through the wailing of the fire alarms. Thankfully neither incident resulted in any casualties (or indeed any injuries). But they should serve as a warning to everyone here at FSU. Talk to your friends about the dangers of seating suicide. Pull up the IKEA catalog on your iPhone every time they get that far-off look in their eye and show them all of the wonderful chairs waiting for them just
outside of campus limits. Or try and distract them from their sorrows with a copy of a funny magazine you picked up the other day. 4 out of 5 dentists agree that reading The Black Sheep doesn’t do anything to fight tooth decay, but it does make people laugh more. Don’t let them become the first victims of this lamentable condition.
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our 2012 predictions February 5: After Tom Brady secures a 27-25 Super Bowl victory on a Hail Mary, Tim Tebow appears above the crowd to denounce him as Satan. An epic battle ensues, with Brady winning. Tebow dies and immediately ascends to heaven, unlike Jesus, who had to wait three days.
April 5: On the night NBC
airs the series finale for critical darling Community, show creator Dan Harmon commits suicide. He leaves a note littered with sex jokes, references to alcoholism and forced laughter, titling it, “Are You There, Idiots, It’s Me, Dan.”
march 22: Less january 30: In a shocking move, Arrested Development creator Mitchell Hurwitz announces there will be no movie, claiming, “…And that’s why you don’t expect anything good to happen, ever.”
By Brendan
than six months after filing for divorce, Kim Kardashian shocks the world with a surprise second marriage, to a mirror. When questioned, Kim replies, “Because now I’m always with someone I truly love.”
June 6: Tim Cook, CEO of Apple, unveils the iPhone 5 to a stunned audience. The updated Siri software offers several voice options, ranging from “sassy black lady” to “unintelligibly Asian.” Shareholders vote him out later that week.
may 18: Universal pictures releases board game science fiction film Battleship. Across the United States several branches of the National Alliance for Mental Illness protest the film, asking that Universal stop releasing films that “pander to our demographic.”
The Dark Knight Rises (as Will Your Penis When Watching the) Trailer Holy fucking shit— if this is the year I finally die from alcohol, the Mayan apocalypse, or butt worms, please let it be after I see The Dark Knight Rises. A life lived without seeing the third act of the Batman thrill-ogy would clearly be a life not worth living at all. Down the road, when all of us are on our respective deathbeds (from the inevitable plagues of Robot-Lupus and Super-Diabetes), at least each of us will be able to remember marriage, having kids, and of course— watching The Dark Knight Rises. So far, our groveling nation has only been privy to the trailer of said movie. If you haven’t seen it yet, well, you’re an idiot, but don’t worry… your fun Uncle Justin is here to walk you through the experience of this anything-but-average trailer. It begins with the National Anthem being sung by a small child at a football stadium. It’s the calm before the impending storm—a storm that’s brewing both on the screen and in your pants. A quick straightening of your trouser region is encouraged to free up some room at this point, as your Dick Cheney will be readying himself to fire at someone or something at any time. At this point, you’re going to be sweating a lot. There’s really no getting around it, either—I mean, you’re getting aroused, your pre-boner is in effect, and you’re watching the new Batman trailer; it’s only natural that you’re dripping moisture as if a post-Katrina levee has broken all over you. Suddenly, Christopher Nolan’s name flashes across the screen causing your schlong to go from a half-chub to a Rigid
Richard in record time. You’ll debate trying to hide this Woody Allen of yours, but ultimately decide that pulling your attention away from this trailer isn’t worth it. Plus, if anyone were to call you out on it, you could instantly question why they were fixated on your crotch when there is nothing but pure Batman-badassery taking place on the giant screen in front of them. The screen then cuts to Bane watching a gaggle of gunwielding convicts emerge from a hole in a prison wall. Flashbacks from a Thanksgiving parade in Detroit start flooding back to you as your vision begins to narrow from this fear-boner situation. This causes more blood from your brain to rush away from your senses and down to your alreadyfiery crotch. Congratulations, your ticket to Boner-roo can now be punched. Your fingers grip the armrests and the muscles in your legs start to twitch uncontrollably. A football field explodes on screen and a soft involuntary grunt comes out of your mouth. You’re so close to sexual release that you debate pulling a Pee Wee Herman and just pumping those last few strokes out, but alas, you reconsider when you remember what happened to him after that. Even though you know the consequences, you can’t help yourself. Between the pure, unadulterated awesomeness of every gadget, the Batwing chasing tanks, and epic battle scenes from start to finish, you finally break and start orgasming uncontrollably. You make an erect deposit in the front
of your pants just as the final image fades. A few moments pass and you regain control of your body once again. You take a quick survey of your surroundings before you slink out of the theater (since you really only came for The Dark Knight Rises trailer and don’t really give a shit about watching Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol). You make the awkward walk to the bathroom and try not to make eye contact with anyone. Once you’re there, you’ll clean up that pool of Hellman’s man-naise that has collected in your underpants and head home to bed to see it all over again in your dreams.
2012 predictions July 20: In a surprise reveal, audiences discover The Dark Knight Rises is also a sequel to another Christian Bale vehicle: American Psycho. Christopher Nolan explains that Batman is actually the psychotic Patrick Bateman’s humbler, do-gooder split personality.
august 12: Dr. Dre’s
long-anticipated Detox is finally released. Accountants in their mid-thirties around the world rejoice, while high school kids wonder why Eminem’s step dad is rapping.
september 8: In a last-gasp attempt to remain relevant, Miley Cyrus’ Playboy spread hits newsstands. Pedophiles ignore her for being too old, while the rest of the world continues to masturbate to DVDA internet pornography.
october 2: Less than a year old, Blue Ivy Carter, the daughter of Jay-Z and Beyonce, releases her first album, Destiny’s Child. It debuts at #1 on Billboard, and makes the prodigy the youngest self-made millionaire ever.
cd review
out now
Skrillex Bangarang EP The latest from the god of dubstep certainly is bangin’. It’s easy to hate on dubstep (just bass drops and weird noises, right?) just like it’s easy to hate on any genre; pop music is just over-produced whiney white girls singing about boys and rap music is just Autotuned black dudes rappin’ about guns and bitches. So, if you want to believe the generalizations, fine – be content with Taylor Swift and T-Pain, but the latest from mainstream dubstep darling, Skrillex, dares to be more than just that. The Bangarang EP is enough for anyone—new listeners get a taste for the style and dubstep diehards get their fix of original beats, sounds and a few surprising bass drops. It’s nothing to write home about, but it certainly gets you in the mood. In case you aren’t aware and/or above it all, Skrillex is a 24-year-old producer who has pioneered the dubstep/electronic scene in the past few years. He’s been nominated for five Grammy awards this year, including Best New Artist for his explosive hit, “Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites.” It’s the tune barely-legals and early
twenty-somethings will be playing in their minds when they reminisce about their first time taking ecstasy. Ahh, the simple things in life. With his sweet hair-do and incredible energy, it’s no wonder Skrillex has been the face of this blossoming genre. Naturally, the Bangarang EP is only 7 songs, but within those 30 minutes is some of his more ambitious material. The title track featuring Sirah is the first standout. “Kyoto” is another track featuring this Sirah lady, and definitely plays up more direct enthusiasm and originality than the former. The rest of the album continues on in a perfect mess of loud, nasty beats, setting the mood for a partially blacked-out weekend night. “Breakin’ a Sweat” features samples from The Doors, which is pretty interesting, and is also slightly Girl Talk of him, but still really good. “Right on Time” is another awesome track with a seemingly endless build up that leaves you perfectly on edge, on edge, on edge—just before it slows down long enough to bring you back to reality
November 6: In
his Presidential victory speech, 3rd party candidate Ron Paul reveals the true extent of his previous hints at racism, noting, “I’m going to show every black woman in this bitch my white house!”
December 20: The world wakes to K’iche’, the Mayan god of death. With John Cusack on vacation, the world’s leaders are forced to nuke the entire world to prevent K’iche’s dark reign, thus fulfilling the prophecy.
GRADE B
with an ideal bass drop. It’s a track like this that shows Skrillex knows exactly what he’s doing and not just some punk with a sound machine. You have to take this music in stride, though. Just like you wouldn’t blast Bon Iver before a tailgate, you wouldn’t listen to Skrillex softly in the background whilst studying for a philosophy exam. But for those who still aren’t convinced, I tempt you to see this dude perform. As with most music, it’s far more amped up when seen live, and that enthusiasm is propelled into any future instance of listening to said music. You remember the lights, the sounds, and the feeling you had when you were with your friends, dancing and loving life. Drugs? Yeah, maybe, but music like this makes you feel just as good. Sounds Like: Bloops, bleeps, and some sweet bass drops. Download: Bangarang, Right on Time, Kyoto Listen to it When: Anytime you aren’t trying to focus.
UPCOMING RELEASES Craig Finn - Clear Heart Full Eyes Ingrid Michaelson - Human Again
Nada Surf -The Stars are Indifferent to Astronomy
Tim McGraw- Emotional Traffic Rodrigo y Gabriela - Area 52
Lamb of God - Resolution Kellie Pickler - 100 Proof
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Why Does This Exist?! The Forever Lazy Edition J.N. Bordonaba wrote this
While watching an episode of Quantum Leap last week, a commercial came on that caught my attention. The commercial was for the Forever Lazy, and it blew my mind more than the premise of a man leaping through time to stop race riots in the 1960s.
provides a few examples of where one could wear the Forever Lazy suit, like sporting events. Here the irony is lost on the Forever Lazy creators, as leaving the house and actually joining functioning members of society partake in a public event would seem like a lot of work to their intended audience. Then, of course, is the suggestion that being seen outside in such a comfortable getup would be deemed acceptable. At best, people will openly make fun of you. At worst, they’ll assume that you and your buddies, all exhibiting lethargic behavior in matching outfits, are part of some insane cult.
For those of you who have not heard of this revolutionary product, it’s just a giant fleece bodysuit. That’s it. You can choose from an astounding variety of three colors, and if you order now, you can get a pair of accompanying fleece socks to match your suit. Nothing particularly amazing about that, right? But what Forever Lazy lacks in product innovation, it makes up for in its advertising.
But wait, there’s more!
The commercial begins like they always do- posing a series of inane questions. Would you like to lower your heating bills? Sure I would. Do you like lazing about the house on a cold day? Yeah, every once in a while. Do you find blankets too difficult to master? …No, not really. But “if you want to stay warm, you need Forever Lazy!” It’s just like normal clothes, but better, because Forever Lazy is comfortable and made of fleece, and you can sit about and study or watch TV, or do whatever you could do in actual clothes but now can do whilst looking like a rejected Teletubby (Lookit, it’s Layzee!). I get it, you can wear whatever you want in the comfort of your own home. Go ahead and buy those Forever Lazy pajamas if you’re sick of your old flannel PJs, or clothes in general. The commercial suggests all sorts of strenuous activities that you could do while wearing Forever Lazy, like sitting or lying down. But the commercial then suggests that it would be a good idea to wear Forever Lazy outside, and even
The Forever Lazy suit does have one nifty, and forever lazy, feature: the zippered hatches on the front and back of the suit, for “great escapes when duty calls”. Yep, no need to remove Forever Lazy for bathroom breaks. And, as you could probably imagine, neither front nor back hatch seems realistically effective in relieving yourself without making a big mess. But, if you’re truly Forever Lazy, you probably won’t bother getting up from wherever you are for bathroom breaks, and fleece is machine-washable, right? The commercial doesn’t discuss washing Forever Lazy, as the creators probably assume that their intended audience will never take it off. So what are you waiting for? Order Forever Lazy now and you’ll get a free neck pillow, so you won’t even have to move your head during those nine hour long Golden Girls marathons. With Forever Lazy, you can cook your meth in comfort and style. You can become the biggest sloth and no one will notice! Because you are Forever Lazy, and Forever Alone.
Meet The Staff! campus manager Megan Fontaine
Advertising ManagerS Stefanie Lipton Austin O’Mahony Ashley Weil Lizz Hykel distribution manager Evans Prater Writers Bryce Josepher Harley Shine Samantha Malone Ashley Romano Jill Bordonaba Jason Montes Elizabeth Hodapp Carmen Dual Jessica Green
marketing team Aaron Ramirez (Manager) Kelly Valdez Philippa Main campus director Brendan Bonham Founders James Tufenkdjian Skylar Fillmore Brendan Bonhan Atish Doshi Heather-Jo Erickson Jimmy DeBlasio Jessica Sommers
Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com 217-390-1747
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Nuberri Frozen Yogurt House of Glass Tomahawk Sports Bar & Grill Mucho Cigaros Mellow Mushroom Liqour Loft Proof Tatty Daddy Yogurt Mountain New place that was Buffalo Wild Wings 1111 on High Dominos Big 10 All Saints Cafe
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Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or underage drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
The Black Sheep Spring Semester Presents
2012 Prospectus
Think spring 2012 is destined to a semester-long balls-to-the-wall blast? Certain that the 18 hours you’re forced to take will keep you sunshine-free until late May? Fear not! The Black Sheep is here to help.
social life
+1 For each bar within walking distance of your apartment. +1 For every 100 miles away your spring break destination is. +1 For every sitting area your apartment has. +1.5 For each member of the opposite sex living less than three doors away from you. +2 For each friend you have working in the service industry. +2 For every late-night food establishment or taxi cap number in your phone. +2 For each person you know who can sneak you into a campus cafeteria. +3 For each $1,000 in student aid you have left in your bank account. +3 For each club you happily participate in. +10 For each credit card your parents gave you. -1 For each person you have to share a bathroom with. -1 For every year old your car is. -2 For every 50 miles away your significant other is. -5 For each resume-building club you’re in.
SOCIAL LIFE SCORE: ________
work
+2 For every dollar above minimum wage you make. +4 If your manager is the same age as you. +5 If your place of work closes by sundown. +10 If you don’t have a job and your parents support you. -5 If you work in the service industry.
WORK SCORE: ________
class
+1 For each excused absence you’re granted. +1 For each excused absence you’re granted. +2 For every $100 your parents gave you for books. +3 For each class you’re taking in a lecture hall. +4 For each class you’re taking with a friend this semester. +5 For each GPA-boosting elective you’re taking. -1 For every hour before 11 a.m. that class begins, or after 3 p.m. class ends. -2 For each class you’re taking in a small classroom. -3 For each group project on a syllabus. -.25 For each page of classwork you’re required to hand in this semester.
CLASS SCORE: ________
Now add up your score.
A scale of 1-100 will give an accurate measure of how rockin’ your semester will be. Score 100 and you’ll be tagging tail like a genuine beaver trapper. 50? You can do better. 0, um, just stay away from the bleach, okay?
TOTAL SCORE: _____/100
class tim e the madlib: bookstore Man, I’m so happy my parents decided to give me $__1__ for this semester’s books, after that __2__ GPA last semester I was scared my parents would make me pay my own tuition. Thank god that didn’t happen, can you believe I actually started looking for a job at __3__? According to my list I’m going to need the book for __4__. And… it’s $__5__. Seriously? It’s like the professors are trying to __6__ me with a __7__ wrapped in __8__. Plus, by my count that money could be better spent on two dozen __9__ of __10__. And what’s with this optional reading bullshit? This professor I’ve never met, __11__, recommends that I spend $__12__ so I can learn more about the __13__ of the __14__? It’s like he doesn’t even know that __15__ exists. Well, at least I should spend some of this money on school supplies, by the end of last semester I was drawing pictures of __16__ on a __17__ using a __18__, and that’s gotta change. But can you believe __19__ cost $4 each? I can just make my own out of __20__ and spend the cash at __21__. And why do __22__ come in packs of __23__? I only need one. Eh, I’ll just steal it. If this semester is anything like the last I should probably look into that job at __24__.
1) Amount of money 2) Last semester’s GPA 3) Crappy place of employment 4) Class you’re taking 5) Amount of money 6) Depraved act 7) Object 8) Flexible object 9) Things 10) Thing 11) Professor’s name 12) Amount of money
13) Feature 14) Person or people 15) Vaguely credible website 16) Something vulgar 17) Odd object 18) Poor writing tool 19) School supply 20) Household item 21) Local restaurant 22) School supply 23) Number 24) Crappy place of employment
class tim e
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