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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 2, Issue 2 2/08/12 - 2/22/12
theblacksheeponline.com
1000 new spots, 1000 new smiles megan fontaine wrote this
Parking at FSU is like a night when you actually bring a girl home from the bar: it happens once every three months during a full moon. But that all ends this Valentine’s Day, sources say. Yes, in addition to the new St. Augustine Street parking garage, construction crews have been slaving tirelessly since 2009 to complete a state-of-the-art, unprecedented underground parking garage that will give students access to 1,000 more parking spots in the dead center of campus. “It’s coming on three years now, we’ve just got to paint a few more spots and let them dry - then we’ll be done.” said George Martin, Chief Construction Foreman on the project. “We wanted to keep it under wraps until a few weeks before, so as to prevent any unwanted sleuthing or prodding,” a parking services representative said, “but since I have a special place in my heart for The Black Sheep, we decided to present you all with the news first.” Along with 1,000 new spots directly under campus’s central Hoffman Classroom Building, the new “Jimbo Fisher Underground Parking Jumbo-Plex” will include air conditioning, flat screen televisions displaying how many spots are open and where said spots are located. There will also be a game room featuring all-new Twilight pinball and virtual Chutes and Ladders. “You know, kids like pinball and games and stuff. They’ll love having the option to play games while they wait for spots, since they will undoubtedly be full most of the time anyway.” Martin also remarked. Rumor has it that upgrades are already in the works, with construction of an underground recreational swimming facility to be started next fall. The FSU runner’s club is even thinking about starting a 5k race from bottom to top.
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“It’s going to be exactly 3.1 miles from the last spot at the bottom to the first spot at the top. We could raise a ton of money and probably be the first people ever to host a race in a parking garage.” said Chad Braddington, President of the organization. “The inclined ramps will be a great chance for our Greek members to put that inclined treadmill running practice to good use.” Access to the garage is set to begin Friday, February 10th at 11:59 p.m., just in time for Valentine’s Day. Sources within the school administration are calling it “a show of love to all of our students.” A ribbon-cutting ceremony had been planned, until they realized that the best way
They may be different people, but everyone feels the same on the inside.
see page 4
Three Types of Valentine’s Day Dates
to break this garage’s parking cherry was through student use. In order to enter, students must drive to the top of the Woodward Garage, honk their horn three times, turn off their lights, put down their left-rear window (ALL THE WAY), and accelerate to at least 60 mph while driving directly at the east facing wall, towards what designers plan to call “Platform 4.20”, in what seems to be a play on the famous Platform 9 and 3/4 from Star Trek. Martin closed, “Who knows, maybe the kids will make it a new make-out point? All I know is they’ll have fun getting inside, and even more fun playing pinball.”
Read on if you think you’re exhibiting symptoms.
Don’t try to read this article online, you won’t have any signal.
see page 6
see page 12
Singleitis: That Itch You Can’t Scratch
The Black Sheep Investigates Wi-Fi Whoops!
Table of > > > PAGE 4>>>
From the Streets
PAGE 5>>
The Top Ten
page 5 >>
Ode to the Broken Gaydar
page 9 >>
Bartender of the Issue
page 13 >>
FSU Crime Alert: Young Woman Commits Battery on Hobo
What’s your most embarrassing guilty pleasure?
contents 5
Most Eligible Bachelors and Bachelorettes
10
we’ve all been there...
Rachel from Totem Pole really can haul some ass.
the tables have really turned!
13
@BlackSheepFSU Search: TheBlackSheepFSU
page three
pic of the week >>> want to win
a very harold and kumar christmas
on dvd?
Obviously, right?
sorry bro #thatawkwardmoment when you realize you weren’t invited to a party in your own house...
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Definition: Any argument that is a direct result of two people fighting over one woman. The herfuffle between Keith and Marshall hit an apex when Marshall took Amanda ice skating over the weekend.
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The Three Types of Valentine’s Day Dates megan fontaine wrote this
From 'da Streets What’s Your Most Embarrassing Guilty Pleasure? “I definitely sing Backstreet Boys songs in the shower.” -Alyssa J.
“I put honey on my Honey Nut Cheerios.” -Alex S. As 1967 two-hit duo The Zombies are wont to tell us, this is the season for loving. But beware, for the mate you may try to date won’t be all he’s cracked up to be. The One-Night Stand: This is, by far, the most common V-day scenario. You get up the guts to ask this girl to dinner, and HOLY SHIT SHE SAID YES. You’re either too blind or too stupid to see the succubus lurking behind those bug-eyed sunglasses. Oh, she’ll laugh at your jokes and be all smiles all night long. She’ll be so happy you got her those flowers and that box of chocolates and that teddy bear. But by February 15th you’ll be miserably alone once again. Why? There are a few theories here. If you picked this girl up on campus, chances are she was just looking for dinner and a show. She’s a socially-deprived dorm-dweller who took one look at you, with your money and your car and your noncommunal bathrooms, and she saw a ticket to a night free of her roommate screeching at her friends over Skype. Of course, it could also be a problem with you. Did you really buy her flowers and chocolate and something cute and fluffy? Talk about overkill. There’s sweet, and then there’s downright creepy. Even if she came up for coffee and dessert after, no amount of whoopie pie is ever going to convince a girl that you’re normal. The Dine-and-Dash: One step down on the ladder from one-nighters are these pleasant little numbers. All they see are dollar signs and the offer of a free meal is too good for them to pass up. They go through the motions just long enough to clear their plates, then excuse themselves to the powder room and presumably wind up in Narnia. Or at least that’s what you tell yourself when you’re stuck with a $100 check and no post-dinner coitus to help ease the pain
in your wallet. Let’s hope Mister Tumnus wound up having a better night than you did. For these gold diggers, Valentine’s Day has nothing to do with love. It’s all about squeezing as much out of their dates as they can before eleven o’clock rolls around. Unfortunately, that usually means they only get their hands on your cash. Unless you’re the kind of jerk who insists on the sixty-nine before the wine and dine you can bet these girls are going to leave you high and dry. Guys aren’t the only victims of this nefarious scheme— plenty of girls are left hanging when their V-Day blind dates decide they’d rather go slumming at Bulls for the night than deal with another hour of actual conversation. And paying for dinner is like paying for sex, and who needs that when you’re in college? The Committed Partner: This, surely, is the Holy Grail of Valentine’s Days. You’ve suffered through weeks, possibly even months, of constant nagging and name-calling to get to this point. Everyone knows Valentine’s Day is one of three days of the year (the other two being your anniversary and your birthday) when nothing is off limits. Because nothing says “I love you” like letting your lover be the ones to call the shots for a change. You know each other’s financial limitations, so dinner isn’t a guessing game, and your gifts are just sentimental enough to get the juices flowing. And then you get back home and all she wants to do is cuddle. “Valentine’s Day is about love, not sex.” Or worse, things wind up being just as anticlimactic and predictable as always because, guess what? You’ve been sleeping with the same person for the last six months! That’s when you start to re-assess your options. That girl with the bug-eye from English class was looking at you last week…
“Watching iCarly as a grown man.” -Jacob W.
www.theblacksheeponline.com THe top ten
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Ode to the Broken Gaydar
Most Eligible Bachelors & Bachelorettes Still looking for love this Valentine’s Day? Rest assured, there are plenty of fish in the sea waiting to swim with you. They may not be as awkward out of water as you, but if they bite your line chances are they’re just as desperate. Here’s a list of some of those eligible fish- and a couple of Moray Eels.
Rachel Young wrote this The bar stool upon which I sat was creaky, but not nearly as creaky as the empty stools to my left and right. It was a fine February 14th; fine for all of the glowing, amorous couples around me. The sky was clear, the flowers were singing, and jewelry was being exchanged everywhere I turned. It was something out of a Disney movie- I was almost waiting for a cartoon deer to saunter past the bartender and lick the salty tears of sorrow off of my cheeks. I wished wholeheartedly for the cartoon deer to appear- at least then I wouldn’t be sitting at this public house alone. I would be sitting with someone who cared about me and could sew up the wound that occupied the spot in my chest where my heart should be. But since deer and their cloven hooves tend to produce incredibly inaccurate needlework, I rejected this imaginary fix and gazed at the world as I saw it. Gray, lifeless, and loveless. Why would a person choose a life spent wallowing in such utter despair? I had no other choice. I had a broken gaydar. I had a broken gaydar on Valentine’s Day. I began my day with high hopes. No, I did not have a Valentine. Just because I systematically pull my eyebrow hairs out and can’t have the food on my plate touch doesn’t mean that I can’t find another person who was also alone on this exquisite day to love me. Between my red pills at breakfast and my blue pills at dinner, some companionship. I didn’t need a full-life commitment. I think the government would get suspicious if I suddenly decided to settle down after this many years of being alone. Not to mention, my cats would get jealous.
10) Arnold Schwarzenegger: The former Governator is back on the market after it was revealed last year that he fathered a lovechild with his former housekeeper. Sure, he cheated on his kinda-a-Kennnedy wife and is barely coherent, but at least his “twins” aren’t completely useless after all that steroid use in the ‘70’s. 9) Janet Napolitano: The first female Homeland Security Secretary is single and, when not looking for terrorists, is looking for love. Janet’s hobbies include hiking, investing all of her time in the nation’s security, and making sure violent drug cartels don’t sneak in south of the border (if you know what I mean).
The wine loosened our tongues, and soon we were spilling our life stories over a game of Scrabble in my living room. She played “forever”; I countered with “lover.” We laughed at the irony of two single women using those words on this particular day. In my heart, I began to feel the beginnings of a feeling. The solution to my loneliness came to blunt end that night at Fazoli’s, when I rubbed my bare foot gingerly up and down her supple calf (I opt not the wear shoes as I move through my life- I rebuff the worldly idea of fashion and what it means for feminism). I could nearly feel the hairs growing on her legs between my toes, which did nothing but turn me on. Rather than receive a look a mutual arousal, her dead gaze devolved into horror. “I thought this was a friend thing!” She screeched. All two of the fast food restaurant’s patron’s turned to look at us. “I’m not gay!” She nearly turned the table over in her scramble for the door, leaving in her wake more than just a half-eaten plate of pasta.
"now i am alone, unaccompanied save the two leftover boxes of spaghetti.”
No, all I wanted was a morethan-friend, an evening of joyous love-making that I would always be able to hold dear. And when I awoke alone in the morning it wouldn’t be quite so lonely because I would have those memories to hold me. But alas, I shouldn’t have tried. And when I went out that morning, I had no intention of going home a promised woman. I saw her at the Blockbuster near the grocery store, reading a review for the movie No Strings Attached and biting her beautiful, chapped lip. Her hair had obviously remained unwashed for days, and the indent at her elastic waistline was so deep that you could get lost in it. On February 14th and at 10:30 in the morning, this could only mean one thing: that this woman was preparing for a day so replete with loneliness and regret that only a pint of Cherry Garcia could soothe her tortured soul. I bought my Franzia and went up, asking her to dinner. She looked surprised that another female took the initiative to end her suffering, but she accepted my offer.
Now I am alone, unaccompanied save the two leftover boxes of spaghetti that I salvaged from my utterly ruined Valentine’s Day dinner. I look at these boxes and sigh; they were the only ones who know what I had been through. Maybe her thin line of moustache hair confused me, I mused. Maybe it was the way she stared at the heterosexual, joyous couples with dead hatred. It could have possibly been the way she tried to throw herself at me after she drank those two glasses of Franzia. I do not know what it is about women (especially beautiful ones like the woman I had met today) that make them want to mistake love for friendship, but heed my warning: unless you want to horrible offend someone or wind up alone at night, never ever go out in society with a broken gaydar.
8) Kim Jong-un: New North Korean leader and pudgy protégé of his father, Kim Jong-il, Kim Jong-un has a lot on his mind. It is rumored that Kim might be married, but this has yet to be confirmed by the North Korean government. So remember, what happens in the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea stays in the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. 7) Seal: Newly single Seal has decided to move from being known as “that singer who inconceivably married Heidi Klum” to plain ol’ “that singer”. Why not spend this Valentine’s Day getting a “kiss from a rose on the grave”? Or is it “gray”? The point is, no one knows what it means. 6) Katy Perry: She’s kissed a girl AND liked it AND her breasts are giant cupcakes. AND this woman is single?! If you’ve got a sweet tooth, Katy is up for anything that she won’t remember the next morning. Why not party with her and watch the fireworks fly? Because of course that’s where the burning sensation is coming from. 5) Silvio Berlusconi: This Italian Stallion is a romantic at heart. He’ll wine and dine you, serenade you with songs from his upcoming love songs album, and buy you expensive gifts with money intended for the Italian government. 4) Betty White: This Golden Girl is looking good at 90 years young. Hot in Cleveland and everywhere else, Betty has a lot of experience she’s more than willing to share. How has Betty stayed in the business for over 70 years? That legendary “White Heat”. 3) Charlie Sheen: After devoting his life to winning, Charlie is full of surprises (and tiger blood). Only the adventurous goddesses need apply to date Charlie Sheen, as a night with Charlie can be pretty unpredictable- keep your machetes ready, ladies. 2) Casey Anthony: The only crime Casey is guilty of is love in the first degree. Always the free spirit, Casey won’t let anything stop the party (allegedly). If you can find her, Casey is looking forward to moving on and finally living the “Bella Vita.” 1) Chaz Bono: What’s not to like about Chaz Bono? The only child of Cher and Sonny Bono, Chaz was destined for a music career and love life of the most absurd proportions. After developing a fondness for dancing, Chaz just wants someone to foxtrot with into obscurity.
J.N. Bordonaba wrote this
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Singleitis: That Itch You Can’t Scratch ashley romano wrote this Put down that box of Ho Hos and turn off Bridget Jones’ Diary, it will only make the disease worse! It’s an annual epidemic that sweeps across the nation. Sometimes, it only lasts for 24 hours around the middle of February (especially on the 14th). Other times, it stays dormant for years. It is called singleitis and it’s the grim and overwhelming realization that you’re single and forever alone. The symptoms of singleitis differ from person to person. It can start as a slut spiral or they may come after clearing a box of Russell Stover chocolate in a single sitting. People affected by singleitis may even start to say things like, “I’m just focusing on me right now,” or, “I just got out of a relationship and want to try the ‘single’ thing.’” The full onset of this terrible disease usually occurs around Valentine’s Day, when people realize just how long they’ve been living with the symptoms. Sources also speak of cases where a person affected by singleitis ate her way through an entire Taco Party Pack from Taco Bell. It’s really unpredictable. How does one get singleitis? There is, unfortunately, no concrete answer. Some claim they caught the sickness after they started playing Humans versus Zombies and realized that they would have to choose between their significant other and that coveted yellow bandana. For others it was studying to try to get into law/grad/med school that left them susceptible. The long hours they had been clocking in at the library had forced the not to care about personal hygiene, eventually driving away even their closest friends. There have been recent outbreaks of singleitis among groups of girls who go out and get drunk every night. It’s not the alcohol that causes the infection; it’s the events the alcohol leads to. Some may experience signs of singleitis after they’ve woken up in one unfamiliar bed too many. It’s a tricky situation to diagnose because it may not feel like singleitis. All the male attention makes females feel wanted, but these males will never want to settle down. It’s attention from
Think you might be pregnant?
the wrong types of males and usually these males bring the disease. How can singleitis be prevented? Awareness. If you’re worried about getting singleitis, know how to avoid exposing yourself to it. The most common place is the bedroom. If you’re too busy watching Star Wars on Blu Ray or playing Skyrim for 14 hours a day, chances are you’re going to get singleitis. Go out into public and have some real human interaction. But leaving the apartment isn’t always going to prevent it. Going to local dive bars or clubs where college kids go to get smashed is also a terribly easy way to come down with the “itis.” Most people throwing back shots of Jack Daniel’s don’t want to remember their night or settle down. These people have willingly embraced their singleitis and are attempting to ride it out. Hanging around these people will only cause you to contract a similar strain of singleitis. Once afflicted, people can experience the effects of singleitis for years. It may take some time, but some can reduce the symptoms. Only you can prevent singleitis. So get out of bed, meet new people. Staying in bed to “meet” a new character on Glee doesn’t count.
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Bartenderof the Issue
Rachel Roberts totem pole
What’s your favorite thing about your job? The people! Least? Staying up til 2 a.m. at work. What’s the first thing you would do if you had $1 million? Buy a new red Beamer! What’s the next song on your playlist right now? Lotus Flower Bomb by Wale ft. Miguel What’s the first thing you would do if you were stranded on an island with Morgan Freeman? Make him sing to me
drinking game:
deal or no deal Since we’re all in the Valentine’s Day spirit, The Black Sheep thought it would be great to play a little game that exposes all of the nasty sexual fantasies that you and your boy/ girlfriend have played out. What You’ll Need: A blank deck of cards (or just cut up pieces of paper, you cheap bastard), shot glasses, and any form of liquor. May we suggest Fruit Punch Burnett’s? It’s red! Like V-day! Number of Players: The more the merrier! And the more opportunity for all of your friends to reveal some things that you may or may not have wanted to know. Level of Intoxication: Depending on how slutty the people you hang out with are, well, things can get pretty shitty. How to Play: - Have everyone think of the most crude and disturbing sexual performances that they can possibly wrap their perverted minds around and write them on the cards. Try to think of at least 20. - Each person picks a card one at a time. - Read the card aloud. For example, “Ate donuts off of my boyfriend’s butt with my hands tied behind my back.” If you have done the act described on the card, you must take a shot. -Depending on the severity of the card, the group can up-vote it to two shots. Things like “juggled balls” obviously only get one shot, but something like, “Performed the Alaskan Pipeline on my girlfriend,” definitely should be up-voted to two. Maybe even three. Look it up. - Keep tally of how many shots each person has taken. -At the end of the game, the person who has taken the most shots is not only is the drunkest, but also has to let everyone slap him or her on the bare ass with a leather belt. NOTE: The point of this game is to get drunk and admit some weird things for the love of St. Valentine. If you lie about what you have (or haven’t) done, then you will be punished. Some way, somehow, by a higher power. The Game Ends When: You’ve run out of cards and everyone is thoroughly humiliated and strangely turned on.
Where do you see youself in exactly 6 years and 3 months? In dental school What’s your favorite pita here? The GATOR-HATER! If you could do whatever you wanted with your life you would... Be a model! What’s the fastest you’ve ever driven? 120 mph in my exboyfriend’s red Mustang right after I found out he cheated on me. Bastard Do you have any hobbies? CHEERLEADING!
recipe for disaster:
Hummus A Middle Eastern classic— hummus makes a great, fresh-tasting appetizer and lunch, or a light healthy snack any time of day. Also, it has been scientifically proven that the only way to beat the terrorists is to steal their yummy, delicious food-snacks (I swear I’m not a racist, just a bigot). Pick a side, dammit, we’re at war. What You’ll Need: Chickpeas, oil, garlic, lemon juice, salt, pita bread and a blender. Cook Time: About 5 minutes. Fatty Factor: This shit is so healthy you might lose calories eating it. Let’s Get Baked: - Place plenty of chickpeas in the blender. We’re not going for scientific measurements here, just classic guesstimation. - Pour oil into blender; again, use your best judgment. - Put garlic into blender – either enough to kill a vampire or barely enough to qualify as an ingredient, (all depends on how much you like or dislike garlic). - Pour lemon juice into blender. - Add salt as necessary. - Blend on high speed until you see that it is smooth and creamy (gross). - If necessary, stop blender to scrape the sides. - Spoon into a serving dish. - Scoop into your face with pita bread. - Drape yourself in your American flag and get ready to start your day. Congratulations, if you have made it this far, you are officially an American hero. Your medal is on its way; please allow 3-4 business days for delivery.
Beat The Black Sheep:
The Taco Bell Challenge
Ten crunchy tacos from Taco Bell, a stopwatch and a mean competitive streak. That’s all we had. That’s all you need. Can you beat us? By Brendan
The Challenge
How fast can one man eat ten crunchy tacos from Taco Bell?
TheA 6’3”, Challenger 185lb male.
TheUm,Plan of Attack to eat those tacos as fast as I possibly can.
The Prediction
I was relatively certain that I could finish all 10 tacos. Prior to the competition, I was hoping to complete the challenge in less than 10 minutes. Those that had witnessed me eat before were guessing in the 6-7 minute range.
The Retroactive Diary Taco 1 (17 seconds): I go down on this taco faster than a Skid Row whore who hasn’t had a fix in an hour. Seriously, count to 17. Can you eat a taco that quickly? It’s as though millions of tiny MSG particles cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced. Taco 2 (24 seconds): Watching myself inhale tacos on video, I feel an overwhelming sense of selfshame. You know how when you hear yourself on the phone you think, “there’s no way I sound like that.”? Now picture yourself spastically eating as fast as you can. Taco 3 (24 seconds): The amount of food falling out of my mouth is just…disgusting. Taco 4 (22 seconds): Before I begin this taco, a coworker ridicules me for not dousing my taco treasure in Fire Sauce. Clearly they do not understand that doing so would only add precious seconds to an incredibly time-sensitive challenge. Also: Fire Sauce sucks. There, I said it. Taco 5 (26 seconds): Somewhere in the middle of this taco I decide it’s time to take the first sip of my first drink. Diet Pepsi, of course, because I’m trying to lose weight with this challenge. Mostly by shitting my pants.
Taco 6 (28 seconds): After taking down the sixth taco before hitting the three minute mark, I’m 100% confident that I’ll demolish this challenge. It is not difficult. Taco 7 (27 seconds): I don’t really remember anything specific about this taco, but on the ride back with my food I saw a homeless child. I considered giving him one of my ten tacos. I did not, for the sake of the challenge. I still feel pretty bad about this. Taco 8 (24 seconds): I stab myself in the gums with a shard of taco shell. Honestly, that’s the hardest part of this challenge. When one is trying to shovel as much food into their pie hole as they can, injury can be expected. Taco 9 (26 seconds): At this point I’m not hungry, I’m not full, there’s not much left to the challenge and I’m just going as fast as I can to get the damn thing over with. Thank god third world countries have very limited access to the internet; this is gluttony at its finest, people. Taco 10 (31 seconds): Would a Taco Bell taco by any other name taste so distinctly of feet? Finally, YUM! Brand foods gets the best of me and I’m held to over 30 seconds on my final taco. Raucous applause fills the room as the crowd hails me as their new king. (Note: This does not happen.)
time: 5 minutes, 41 seconds
Are You In?
Think you can beat our time, tubby? Prove it. Tweet us at @theblacksheep99 with a link to a video of you mowing down on ten Taco Bell crunchy tacos. No exceptions. Do it, we’ll pop a picture of your bad, fat ass in the paper and send you a shirt. Yeah, we’ll even pay the postage.
The Aftermath
Honestly, eating that much Taco Bell wasn’t nearly as bad as we thought. As of this writing we’ve been digesting this future diarrhea for three hours and we don’t feel too bad. Sure, we’re a little gassy, but we expected to be moaning on the ground in throes of stabbing intestinal pain. The mental anguish, on the other hand, is pretty heavy. I just inhaled 1,700 calories in less than six minutes. And it’s not like I’ve even consumed high-quality food, the wet dog flavor never really escapes Taco Bell’s meat.
Don’t Believe Us?
Well, we videotaped the whole thing. Visit us at theblacksheeponline.com and search “Taco Bell Challenge.” The video will be hosted there, haters.
the entertainment page
oscar-baiting
On February 26th the 84th Academy Awards will light up television screens the world over. The show is little more than glorified masturbation, a group of people getting together to reassure one another of their awesomeness. But what if it really were an exercise in masturbation? Well, break out the lube, because we’re making us some pornos.
The Artist Porn Title: The Hardest Synopsis: A true masterpiece that harkens back to the days of silent smut, The Hardest features scenes shot in color, using only the finest interracial couples the adult film industry has to offer. This silent (perfect for young masturbators looking to avoid awkward parental questioning!) climaxes with Tyler Hardthrob vertically dancing the night away with newcummer Alice Wundersnatch.
Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close Porn Title: Scream Loud In Bed Without Clothes Synopsis: Set in a post-9/11 New York, this film features Tom Spanks and transsexual phenom Sandra Bullcock taking park in a series of sexual one-upmanship as they attempt to forget the suffering they endured as they watched those two long, hard towers cum tumbling down. You’ll be tearjerkin’ the night away!
The Descendants Porn Title: The Jizz Scent Pants Synopsis: Fatt Thing is a Honolulubased lawyer whose life takes a turn for the worse when his cheating wife is left for dead after an intense gangbang. Unsure of who the culprit is, Fatt is forced to repeatedly thrust himself into the dark kink underworld. Each wild ride leads him closer to the culprit, but also teaches him important lessons on female sexuality—lessons that could have saved his wife’s life.
The Help Porn Title: The Herp Synopsis: Jackin’, Mississippi sets the stage for Vagina “Skeetin’” Phelan’s daring escapades in a prim-and-proper pre-segregation southern city. Still a virgin, Skeetin’ (played by sensational starlet Emma Bone) begins writing a tell-all book about Jackin’s rampant herpes epidemic, which is rooted in the overly conservative school district’s lack of a proper sexual health curriculum. She chooses to contract the disease through a series of steamy lesbian encounters that burn harder than her soon-to-be-oozing sores.
cd review
out now
of montreal Paralytic Stalks Paralyzing the stalks that are your brain nerves, of Montreal definitely delivers. Of Montreal is weird. Kind of like Animal Collective weird, but a little more listenable initially. And also kind of like David Bowie weird, but a lot of danceable tunes. This gang of poppy lunatics hail from Georgia, which is quite the distance from Montreal, but has little to do with the band anyway. Their latest, Paralytic Stalks, is only a reminder of how crazy this band is, how universally abstract you are, and if those mushrooms have set in or if you’re just in a permanently good mood. Since forming in 1996, of Montreal has put out nearly a dozen full-length albums, with Paralytic Stalks being their 11th. While the majority of the album isn’t eerie, creepy, dramatic abstract sounds, these are what make the album uniquely poppy. Mixed in between pop tunes and electronic beats, these acid-induced dark sounds are a far cry from modern indie pop music and a damn refreshing cry at that. The ambient and eclectic layering of sounds are great to listen to with or without drugs involved, giving the listener an experience and actual feeling, which is hard to come by these days. Sure, Kevin Barnes unique psychedelic vocals might freak you the fuck out, but at least you’re feeling something. Their final track, “Authentic Pyrrhic Remission” is just over 13 minutes long, yet feels like 3 different songs, and one
GRADE B-
of my favorites on the album. The beginning starts off with unusual beats and higher-pitched singing, bordering on hardly catchy, but definitely interesting enough to stand out. Somewhere, somehow, in the middle, it starts to slow down with some distant chanting, forcing the listener to take a breath, lean back and hold on. The song tapers off into near nothingness, with just the slightest hint of static to keep the listener hanging on for more, ending in a nice light with soft piano and vocals. Ahhh… everything will be okay. This kind of music is hard to judge. Do I like listening to it? Of course— it’s different and it gets my attention, and sometimes even forces me to bob my head around. Do I want to listen to it on repeat? Probably not, because I think it might stress me out a little. But there’s no denying the utter creativity that this group has, comparable to greats like the aforementioned Animal Collective, Bowie, and even The Beatles. If you’re looking for something that’s out of your comfort level, of Montreal’s Paralytic Stalks will definitely do the trick. Sounds Like: Trippy Beatles with poppy screaming. Download: Wintered Debts, Authentic Pyrrhic Remission Listen to it When: You’re weird, and want to feel normal.
UPCOMING RELEASES Van Halen - A Different Kind of Truth Dierks Bentley - Home
Paul McCartney -Kissed on the Bottom The Lemonheads - Hotel Sessions
The Fray - Scars & Stories Dr. Dog - Be the Void
Hugo Porn Title: Huge-O Synopsis: The son of a down-andout urologist, Huge-O is destined for the life of a street rat. One day, though, the 13-year-old discovers masturbation for the first time. Content with a life of self-gratification, this bildungsroman chronicles Huge-O as he continues living life as a filthy homeless man, embarking on a series of masturbation fantasies that keep him warm at night when the newspapers stuffed in his coat cannot. Midnight in Paris Porn Title: Dick Tight in Pair of Tits Synopsis: Gil Bendher is an on-therise adult film star known for his ejaculatory prowess. He attempts to escape the temptations of fortune and fame in America by traveling across the pond to Paris, France. While there, Bendher accidentally enters a time-warp that brings him to the 1890s. Horny and alone, he quickly seduces a woman, but finds hygiene in the period wildly offensive. This epiphany allows him to see through the bushes, as he come to terms with his loads of fame, and being violently thrust into the spotlight.
Moneyball Porn Title: Moneyballs Synopsis: Billy Beanflicker thought he was living the dream. A male pornstar by 20, he retired at 24 after a freak accident left his boner permanently misshapen. He took a job as the Production Manager for the Cokeland V’s, a lesbian production company based out of northern California. Wary of the sky-high budgets of rival porn companies based out of L.A., Beanflicker assembles a rag-tag group of lipstick lesbos, turning a profit by filming them doing some of the most degrading things the creamscreen has ever seen. The Tree of Life Porn Title: The Skeet of Life Synopsis: Widely considered a pornographic opus fresh from the mind of adult film legend Terrence Paldick, The Skeet of Life dares to ask the question, “Are we all nothing more than man yogurt?” Paldick ruminates on this theme through a series of vignettes starring classically-trained adult actors Sean Pennis, Harry Oldmanballs and George C. Cock massaging their members to climax in ultraslow motion. Run time: 6 hours. War Horse Porn Title: War Whores Synopsis: Opening at the dawn of WWI, War Whores features screen legend Mata Whori as a proprietor of a small brothel in west France. Hell-bent on helping her country defeat the German menace, Whori uses her womanly wares, seducing young opposition officers, and arousing feelings of resentment (and boners) in anyone who willfully calls the evil Kaiser Drillthem II their Emperor.
Ben Kweller - Go Fly a Kite Air- Le Voyage Dans La Lune
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the black sheep investigates: wi-fi whoops! evans prater wrote this If you’ve ever tried to connect to FSU’s Wi-Fi service you know the whole system is built like some crappy community college tried to save money by tin-foiling their routers. Some buildings have lightning fast connections, able to load videos at the speed of...uh…light.... Some buildings have absolutely no connection, or a connection “but no internet access,” whatever the hell that means. Or, if you’re in the Williams building for most of your classes like me, you’ll know the connection is great on the fourth floor (where the professors’ offices are) and gets gradually worse until you reach the bottom floor, where it’s nonexistent. Naturally, The Black Sheep decided to investigate. Why, at a national, public university with millions upon millions of dollars in research grants, sports-related income, and 60,000 people paying tuition - do we have internet access reminiscent of a 90s Taliban training camp? I went straight to the top: the office of the university president himself. Sure, his secretary said he had “important meetings,” and “couldn’t be bothered right now,” but in the name of journalism I barged in anyway, demanding answers. “Well, I didn’t know you had a problem with Wi-Fi. We’ll fix that for you as soon as possible.” Was the first answer they gave me. I checked the Wi-Fi connection in their office from my Samsung Galaxy S-II, 8 gig memory, Intel dual core processor: 1.8 mghz, with 4g capability. Full bars. I continued to prod, asking if they knew why there were so many connectivity problems on campus. “Connectivity? You mean people pluggin’ in wires and stuff?” I asked if they could show me some spreadsheets outlining exactly how much money the university was spending on things ranging from maintenance, football, and, of course, technology - hesitantly, they opened Excel 2010. The document loaded as it was clicked. I swear. The computer was that fast. What I saw made me want to slap the president’s toupee right off his head. The university spent $1.5 million this year “renovating” the football team’s practice fields. On the other hand, they only spent $1.3 million total on technology upgrades and support. I clicked on the “Technology” tab to see just exactly what we bought that was so “technological”. There were new computers of course, university-use cellphones, walkie-talkies, servers, cables, RAM
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chips, processors, and three large bags of surplus Halloween candy. “Hmm, satisfactory,” I thought. “But wait. Oh my god. No new routers.” I scrolled further down to 2010, 2009, and 2008. The university hadn’t purchased a new router since fall of 2007 - my first semester at FSU! There was a little star in the bottom right that said “*use candy wrappers on router antennae to increase signal until more affordable upgrade becomes available.*”. President Barron said there was no excuse for this clear oversight and favoritism of sports over academics, adding, “All I can really say is, well, whoops.” Whoops? Yes, whoops, your education could’ve been better. Whoops, we like football more than we like you. Whoops, that $3,000 you pay a semester went to, uh, other, stuff. And candy. Just like that our investigation proved successful, now, students, it’s up to you to act! Will you stand aside while this university renders us unable to browse Facebook during class, or will you rise up together to tear down this technological tyranny?
www.theblacksheeponline.com
FSU Crime Alert: Young Woman Commits Battery on Hobo
13
Jason Montes WROTE THIS
This message has been approved by Lieutenant Horatio Baine, CSI of Tallahassee, for distribution to all students currently taking classes, faculty and staff. On February 1, 2012 at 10:30 p.m., near a Pensacola gas station dumpster, a homeless man was awakened from his slumber by an angry young woman armed with a black leather clutch purse. The suspect demanded that the homeless man ask her for money, but the hobo would not cooperate. The hobo insisted that if he really wanted money then he would have gotten a job by now and not wasted his life savings on cocaine. He also tried to explain to the girl that in these tough economic times panhandling would cease if society made a conscious effort to keep their hard-earned money and spent it wisely at independent business to boost local equity. The suspect then began to beat the hobo with her purse. She also utilized her nails in the assault. She ripped at his face and screamed, “I’m just as vulnerable and careless as all those other sluts! Why will nobody rob me?!” After five minutes of beating, the hobo was able to elude the girl. He escaped with minor scratches on his face and severe bruises on his testicular region. (Like, really, really severe. Emergency clinic staff at Tallahassee Memorial Hospital reported that his balls looked like a pair of bruised grapes.) The hobo described the suspect as follows: Crazy-ass white bitch, 5’3”-5’5,” brown hair in a samurai bun, eyes of the devil, greasy face like a McDonald’s napkin, that dumb hoe, flat pancake booty, but she had nice titties tho. Holla atcha boy.
However, after the hobo wrestled off the suspect he had another confrontation with a male, who identified himself as the suspect’s boyfriend. The boyfriend then asked the hobo, “What’s wrong with my girlfriend? She’s not pretty enough for you to impose some loathsome advance on her?” The victim tried to preach about having self respect and being chivalrous in the presence of a lady. The second suspect answered the hobo by punching him in the ribs. “Next time I see you here, dog, you better beg us for money like any other homeless man. It’s insulting if you don’t,” the boyfriend said as the hobo passed out. Both suspects fled the scene of the crime. The hobo described the second suspect as follows: He looked like that Matthew McConaughey douche. Pink polo shirt and shorts, and them stupid shoes with the fringe an’ shit. Crime Prevention Tips 1. Never ever go outside. Tallahassee was voted the 6th most dangerous city in America based on some geeky magazine poll. 2. Move out of Tallahassee. This is the only time you could break tip 1. 3. Shoot first, ask questions later. Remember, you have the right to bear arms. 4. Put a sign in front of your house that says, “Beware of Dog: He Likes To Eat Human Leg.” 5. Invest in safe clothing. If you absolutely have to go outside, dress like a police officer. 6. Don’t use common sense. You must remain unpredictable in the face of danger. Your attacker won’t see it coming.
seek and find
Do you think you can find all this shit in that little fancy room? It ain’t your mama’s messy dorm room, so good luck, bro.
the crossword: animal mascots
8 9 10 11 12
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cross he "Always Sunny" wild card ould enjoy this chicken of e sea. (2 Words) rainbow-beaked sugar high aiting to happen. (2 Words) an he get hump cancer? (2 ords) hen it humps, it just keeps campus manager oing and going and going. (2 Megan Fontaine ords) hn Wayne nicknamed dog Advertising ves baked beans. ManagerS Stefanie Lipton be heir Coca-Cola will surely Austin O’Mahony old. (2 Words) Weil e's addicted toAshley Smack(s). (2 Lizz Hykel ords)
Down answers >> The mascot for this insurance company got his degree from Oregon. 2 A grrrrrreat way to give your children type 2 diabetes (3 Words) 3 80's dog shilling Bud Light, totally makes sense. (2 Words) marketing team mascot that can drink 4 A beer Aaron Ramirez (Manager) like a horse. Kelly 5 Valdez A fabric softener bear, aptly Olde Fields Big 10 Philippa Main this. Tomahawk Sports Bar called Voo Doo Dog New place that was Buffalo Tatty Daddy Waterworks Wild Wings Gumbys 7 This Linux penguin is dressed for El Patron Liqour Loft Pitaria campus director 101 Restaurant & Lounge Proof a formal event.Super Lube Mint Lounge Shisa Cafe Subway Brendan Bonham 8 He's a tired mascot, asJohns Status Liquor Jimmie Tropical Smoothiebut not Alladin’s Shisha Cafe Mr. Robotos Target Copy tired as thoseDonut damn cavemen. One! Fresh Renegade Kingdom Founders Pug Mahone’s Momo’s Sleep Inn can reach 9 This tall toy The pusher Rehab FSU Credit Union Art of the Catwalk James Tufenkdjian You Fresh! auto Legos. Wing Zone the top shelf ofFurrin the Skylar Fillmore Nuberri Frozen Yogurt Coldstone Mike’s Beer Barn 10 Yo quiero shitting my pants.Starbucks (3 Mucho Cigaros Bullwinkle’s Brendan Bonhan Mellow Mushroom ABC Liquors Atomic Coffee Words) El jalisco Ruby Tuesdays McDonald’s Atish Doshi Barnacle Bill’s Magic andhim Fun costume Yianni’s 14 How many licksIrish does it take Monk’s shop Pub Heather-Jo Erickson All Saints Cafe Ken’s to get to the center of your TCBY Jimmy DeBlasio PAC High Point Pour Paul’s mom? (2 Words) Garnet and Gold 1111 on High Miller’s Ale House Jessica Sommers 10 minute auto repair Guthries A Women’s Pregnancy 15 These animals hawked a Wing Stop Jim and Milt’s Center Aveda Stevie B’s Firehouse Subs 3-syllable beer. Questions? Golds Dollar Store Moes 1
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DOWN: 1) The mascot for this insurance company got his degree from Oregon. 2) A grrrrreat way to give your children type 2 diabetes. (3 words) 3) 80’s dog shilling Bud Light totally makes sense. (2 words) 4) A beer mascot that can drink like a horse. 5) A fabric softener bear, aptly called this. 7) This Linux penguin is dressed for a formal event. 8) He’s a tired mascot, but not as tired as those damn cavemen. 9) This tall toy pusher can reach the top shelf of the Legos. 10) Yo quiero shitting in my pants. (3 words) 14) How many licks does it take him to get to the center of your mom? (2 words) 15) These animals hawked a 3-syllable beer.
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words) 18) He’s addicted to Smack(s). (2 words)
1
13
9
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across: 6) The Always Sunny wild card would enjoy this chicken of the sea. (2 words) 11) A rainbow-bleaked sugar high waiting to happen. (2 words) 12) Can he get hump cancer? (2 words) 13) When it humps, it just keeps going and going and going. (2 words) 16) John Wayne nicknamed dog loves baked beans. 17) Their Coca-Cola will surely be cold. (2 A F 2 3 L T S 4 5 A C O P S 6 7 C H A R L I E T U N A U N 8 Y U Y G D U D X T E S G E H C M G N S A M E K A L 12 D T J O E C A M E L A I K L G E N E R G I Z E R B U N N Y R Z 14 15 M I F 17 U K E P O L A R B E A R O O W G L S
6
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G 10 E T 11 T O U C A F C F O E B 13 R E Y L L 16 D O G
4
D I
3
18
2
the clues Across 6 The "Always Sunny" wild card would enjoy this chicken of the sea. (2 Words) 11 A rainbow-beaked sugar high waiting to happen. (2 Words) 12 Can he get hump cancer? (2 Words) 13 When it humps, it just keeps going and going and going. (2 Words) 16 John Wayne nicknamed dog loves baked beans. 17 Their Coca-Cola will surely be cold. (2 Words) 18 He's addicted to Smack(s). (2 Words)
1
Down 1 The mascot for this insurance company got his degree from Oregon. 2 A grrrrrreat way to give your children type 2 diabetes (3 Words) 3 80's dog shilling Bud Light, totally makes sense. (2 Words) 4 A beer mascot that can drink like a horse. 5 A fabric softener bear, aptly called this. 7 This Linux penguin is dressed for a formal event. 8 He's a tired mascot, but not as tired as those damn cavemen. 9 This tall toy pusher can reach the top shelf of the Legos. 10 Yo quiero shitting my pants. (3 Words) 14 How many licks does it take him to get to the center of your mom? (2 Words) 15 These animals hawked a 3-syllable beer.
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Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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