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The Fun and Games Finals Issue
! e d
i RIX s n T
tu MENIFT G ZZES S r IN G UI I MA DE f f T UI
e RTA DAY S, Q E! h t TE LI IB OR
O DL M H - MA ND A -
02
A SPECIAL
THANK
YOU FROM US
Why hello there, As you read this to kill some time between classes, or to avoid the inevitability of your own semester-long failures, or to keep yourself entertained while your significant other talks about who knows what (we’re guessing the Kardashians or Fantasy Football), just know that it’s appreciated. You see, this issue closes out our first semester here at UGA, and frankly we’ve had a blast. While we can assure you that pumping out dick jokes and poop jokes issue after issue is hard work, we’re honored to have the opportunity to publish something we’re ostensibly very proud of. Like anything we’re trying for the first time there’s been ups and downs, (like sex!) some awkward, uneasy moments (like sex!) and way, way too much crying (like clown sex!), but the end result is always worth the pain. That said, we couldn’t have done any of it without wonderful readers like you, and our great advertisers who support us. You, dear reader, laugh at our bad puns. When something genuinely amuses you, you show a friend. She shows a friend, who shows a friend, who shows a friend, and in no time we have mad traction and strong word-of-mouth. You’re the dude who wakes up, decides to ditch class, and instead chooses to check out one of our advertisers. Basically—and this is no bullshit—you’re the reason this paper exists. With that in mind, we’d love to hear some feedback from you. We’ll be starting up just in time for spring semester, and we’d like you to let us know what tickled your fancy, just so we know we’re on the right track. Or, if you want to just write us some violent and vulgar hate mail, you’re welcome to do that. We get very lonely, you see. Again, let us know how you feel, baby. Shoot us a line at vcu@theblacksheeponline.com, let us be a part of your lives. WHY WON’T YOU LET US LOVE YOU? Sorry, we just miss you already. Thanks again, -The Black Sheep
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Definition: The generally broke nature of a college student. “Yeah, I’m gonna make so much bank when I grow up, but I’m drinking Colt 45 because I’m really preprosperous right now.”
04
top 10 Adderall-Induced Diversions After popping a 30mg XR and studying for like, ten minutes, it’s time to get all the shit that’s been piling up for the entire semester out of the way. I mean, how are you supposed to focus on finals when there are so many other things that need to be done! Here’s a list of Addertivities fit for a cotton-mouthed, restless mess such as yourself: 10. Reorganize your closet: Love it or hate it, Georgia has us sweating like Sandusky in church all the way through November. But before you know it winter bites you right in the ass. Get one step ahead this year and use these sleepless nights to switch out your spring and winter clothes. Unless you’re one of those assholes that insist upon wearing shorts, socks, and Reebok slip-ons year round, it’s likely that you’ll benefit from the transfer. 9. Cleanup your Facebook: Cleaning up your Facebook is the perfect way to spend an Addied-out afternoon. You can reminisce about old times, be completely narcissistic by examining every photo of yourself, and laugh at the gay shit you used to do--all under the guise of ‘preparing for the real world.’
all i want for christmas.... Riley Humes wrote this The semester is wrapping up, finals are coming, and the year is coming to a close. As the holidays roll in, everyone begins their Christmas wish list with the likes of the new iPhone, some Ray Bans, or Skyrim. However, being the mature adults that we are, we know that some gifts just don’t come from the store. For the most part, we just want to relax after hell week and for the Christmas spirit to stay alive... oh yeah, and all of the following things to happen:. For The Occupy Wall Street-ers to Leave the Arch: Man, I would hate to be the kid of one of these guys come Christmas. If my dad told me he was protesting Toys “R” Us and Wal-Mart and my gift this year was a lesson, I would be one livid child. But as students, the only gift we’re asking for from them is that they just leave us alone. We’re tired of awkwardly averting our stares as we get off the Milledge Bus. It’s bad enough that they’ve got tents pitched up- they also have to be conveniently located right between North Campus classes and the Broad Street bars. So please guys, for the sake of all things holy, just go home already! For the SLC to Have More Study Rooms: Excuse me, you two giggling girls not studying in room 415, watching YouTube videos instead, can’t you see that we’re trying to do the same thing while giving off the illusion of retaining knowledge? The SLC is the ultimate place to camp out during finals, and if you have to sit at a table in the open areas like a commoner, your finals week is going to suck even more than it already does. Maybe if UGA started scanning IDs to get in, we’d have more room to learn about accounting, biology, and what happened on this month’s Sassy Gay Friend.
The SEC Championship: When most of us applied to UGA, we wanted Georgia football at its finest. What did we get? A year of Joe Cox, AJ leaving us early, and a shit-ton of noon games. All we want at this point in our careers is some decent recognition and something to leave this school with besides a bunch of losses. We beat Florida, and that was a nice advent calendar surprise; but watching our boys in the Dome this December is going to be the equivalent of walking in a winter wonderland. LSU Tigers roasting over an open fire? Probably not, but we can certainly ask Santa (and Tavarres King) to do his best work. To Get Shitfaced with Our Friends From Home: This (realistic) Christmas wish may be the most satisfactory one that we could ask for. We all love Athens, but going back home with the drinking skills we’ve learned here can prove quite beneficial. Whether you hated high school or loved it, there’s nothing like picking a 24 pack of beer from a gas station where the cashier is your old gym teacher. Then you go to someone’s garage and talk shit about the people who got pregnant, fat or weird. It doesn’t hurt if you’ve recently turned 21 and can finally explore a world of local bars. There’s no place like home for the holidays, and the ridiculous amount of free time we’re given in December combined with a copious amount of alcohol and great people, it tops the Christmas wish list. So, fellow students and classmates, as Cindy Lou Who once said, “It’s not about the gifts or the contest or the fancy lights.” It’s obviously about the alcohol and the people and the football team. So eat, drink, and be merry- and go Dawgs!
8. Pinterest: Just like every other person on Pinterest, you’ve made 17 boards and pinned over 200 recipes/DIY crafts and have yet to make a goddamn thing. Well, Pinheads, there’s no better time to do meaninglessly productive things than when you’re all geeked out on Adderall. Considering you’ve spent the last four months pinning shit in class, there shouldn’t be a shortage of crafts to keep your tweaking hands busy. 7. Make a Christmas list: The best thing about finals week is knowing that you’ll be getting some sweet-ass presents in the very near future. Instead of memorizing a bunch of shit that you’ll probably never need to know, spend this time preparing the ultimate Christmas list. Let’s face it, you don’t need to memorize things when you have an iPhone. Siri will tell you all you need to know. 6. Reach out: Haven’t called your Grandma in months? Hit a bitch up! Sure, you’ll have to hear about everything she’s eaten in the past month and the position of her kidney stones, but anything’s better than teaching yourself a semester’s worth of Econ. Then you get to talk about yourself for as long as you want. Plus, calling her will likely get you an extra $20 in the annual Christmas card;It’s a win-win. 5. Sign up for a bunch of reality TV shows: Obviously college isn’t going to work out for you, so let’s not beat around the bush. You’re going to have to find other means of income, besides selling pot. With the plethora of TV shows beckoning you to fight for money, marry into it, or whore yourself out for it, the possibilities are endless. 4. Map out your future: You’re tweaking out hard and obviously anxious as fuck. But you don’t actually want to do anything. Just write that shit down! This will give you the opportunity to make a bunch of highly meticulous and fanatical lists while using gel pens- a speed dream. 3. Organize your iTunes Library: Organizing your iTunes is a fuckin’ blast when you’re starting to come down. Your body has begun to hate you, leaving you temporarily paralyzed, but your hands are bored and your mind is running marathons. Organizing your music will allow you to keep busy for hours without actually thinking about anything. 2. Work out: Nothing makes a treadmill more appealing than having to read 127 pages on the effects of immigration on the economy. Throw those dusty sneakers on and run off those Thanksgiving thunder thighs. The amount of miles you’ll run coupled with a diet of crackers and Red Bull will have you back to your post-break body in no time. 1. Make a ‘hook-up web’: If you are unable to make a ‘hook-up web’ based on the fact that you are still a virgin, then disregard the previous 9 options and go get laid. However, if you’re part of the vast majority of sluts at UGA, this pointer will keep you busy for days. Start by putting your name in the middle and drawing lines to the names of every person you’ve slept with. Repeat the process with the sexual partners of your sexual partners, and so on.
Elizabeth Maguire wrote this
05
Are you Smarter Than?
The scoreboard:
3 megan’s score
Megan
katie's answers
Georgia student and all around awesome person BY: Christine Kottis 1) What NFL team won the Super Bowl in 2011?
5) At the 2011 CMAs who won the award for Entertainer of the Year?
2) What Texas Governor is in the top tier of Republican Presidential Candidates?
6) At the 2011 VMAs, who won the award for Best New Artist?
3) What’s the body’s largest organ?
7) How many square feet are in an acre?
4) Who is the tallest (living) man in the world?
8) What U.S. State is the eighth largest economic power in the
madlib: 1) adjective 2) friend 3) Athens bar 4) verb 5) verb 6) noun 7) verb 8) adjective 9) verb 10) holiday character 11) noun 12) same
holiday character 13) noun 14) campus building 15) verb 16) noun 17) common saying 18) emotion 19) verb 20) place 21) food 22) drink
your score
23) day of the week 24) adjective 25) verb 26) adjective 27) adjective 28) noun 29) bar 30) verb 31) noun 32) adjective 33) food 34) adjective
world? 9) What European capital used to be called Lutetia? 10) What U.S. President was given this Christmas gift “The “city of Savannah - with 150 heavy guns and 25,000 bales of cotton” from General Sherman and his Georgia campaigners.”
1. The Seahawks 2. Rick Perry 3. The gut… that long intestine thing. 4. Shaq 5. Justin Bieber?
6. Brad Paisley 7.Isn’t it like 50 or 40,000? 8. California 9. Paris 10. President Johnson
correct answers: 1) The Green Bay Packers 2) Rick Perry 3) The Skin 4) Sultan Kosen (8 ft 3in from Turkey)
5) Tyler, The Creator 6) Taylor Swift 7) 43,560 sq. feet 8) California 9) Paris 10) Abraham Lincoln
a night on the town Today was so ___1__ ! I had just gotten out of the SLC, so me and __2__ decided to go to ___3___ before we ___4____ . We had so much fun that it was hard for us to ___5____ until this ___6___ came up to us and asked us to ___7____ . I laughed so hard! But I was ___8___ so we ___9____. Just then, we saw ____10____ on Broad! We wanted to get a ____11____ with ___12____ but then I got a ___13___ . And we had to go to __14___ to ___15___ . My ___16___ called my phone and told me to, “______17_______” . This made me ____18___ . So I ___19___ to the ___20___ and ordered ____21____ . I decided to get a ___22___ too! Why not?! It’s the almost ___23___ anyway! I was feeling ___24___ so I ___25____ which was a __26__ idea. Because happy hour was so __27__ I decided to round up all my __28___ and hit Athens again. We went to __29__ and ___30___ with __31__. After riding on the bulldogs downtown, I realized I was and needed to lay down. I got home and made some ___32___ and went to sleep. All in all, this night was ___33___ and I would do it all over again!
06
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procrastination: a cycle sarah j. gatsby wrote this Well, folks, it’s that time of year again. Yes, of course, the holidays are upon us, but before we can enjoy our much-deserved winter break, we must endure the hardship that is finals week. Finals have been around since high school, so you would think, as well-adjusted young adults, we would have learned how to prepare for them properly by now. But no. Every semester, without fail, we all fall victim to the vicious cycle of procrastination.
From 'da Streets “What are you most looking forward to getting over the holidays? “ “I’m most looking forward to a new liquor jacket to escape the stresses of my impending job search.” - Natalie R., Senior
Much like the grief process (and oh how poetically similar they are), there are distinct stages of procrastination. It always starts the same. Finals are weeks away and, pretending you’re a responsible student, you vow to yourself that you are going to make a study plan. Finals are not going to sneak up on you this time. You are lulled into a false sense of security, thinking you have plenty of time to get your shit together and prepare. But, let’s be real, that never actually happens. Suddenly, it’s finals week, but you’re not panicked just yet. I like to call this the optimistic period. A lot of this time is spent in preparation for studying. You make to-do lists, shower, clean, and eat, all in the name of readying yourself for the tasks you have ahead. I mean, how can you be expected to study efficiently if your desk isn’t absolutely immaculate? And while you’re at it, you just might as well clean the rest of your room, right? A tidy room will definitely help you study better. And so it continues. The next stage is one of dread and laziness. You slowly realize that you haven’t actually started any work yet. You start time shifting. No, this isn’t time travel or teleportation or anything like that. Time shifting is the phenomenon where you tell yourself that you will start working in exactly 10 minutes. When that deadline rolls around, you realize you aren’t quite ready to work yet. You negotiate with your conscience for an additional 10 minutes, confident that you will totally be ready to start studying really hard when the time comes. Time shifting can go on for hours. When you finally do crack open a book, you find yourself taking frequent and unnecessary breaks. You delude yourself into thinking that since you read one chapter of your textbook, you totally deserve to watch one episode of “Mad Men.” You become convinced that you can’t possibly keep working unless your iTunes library is organized first. Your 10-minute Facebook break turns into an hour. Priorities get shifted all out of order and time becomes a very abstract concept.
“Looking forward to an opportunity for a negative pregnancy test because you always need a holiday nut. Ho Ho Ho!” - Evan S., Super Senior Next comes denial. Despite it creeping into the wee hours of the night, you keep telling yourself that you still have time. Under the threat of time, your breaks become less frequent and you become more focused. You are finally getting some work done, but you’re nowhere near done. You look at the clock and realize there’s no way humanly possible you’re going to be able to finish. Anger begins to creep over you. Why did you waste so much time re-ordering your Netflix queue earlier? Why do you always let this happen? As the final countdown approaches, you enter a frantic crisis mode. You begin conjecturing what topic the essay is going to be on so you can focus on that chapter and not waste your time reading other superfluous material. You begin bargaining with whatever higher power you have, promising that if they’ll just help you get through this, you’ll never procrastinate again. Tears typically make an appearance during this stage. If you’re lucky, you’ll pull through. If you’re not… well, you can always repeat the class next semester. Either way, you reflect on the emotional roller coaster you just experienced and vow to never take that ride again. You promise yourself that next time, you are not going to procrastinate. You’re going to keep up with your reading, stay organized, and conquer studying in and orderly and diligent fashion. And then before you know it, that time of year comes around again…
psst... everyone’s doing it // theblacksheeponline.com
“A new liquor jacket because it’s not the holidays without plenty of eggnog!” - Sierra M., Junior
HOLIDAY ENTERTAINMENT MATRIX . bloWin’ uP
.
.
amy WinEhousE lionEss - hiddEn TrEasurEs
War horsE
nEW yEars EvE
lamE
chEvillE - haTs off To ThE bull
.
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rEal sTEEl
.
modErn WarfarE 3
. . .
T-Pain - rEvolver
.
.
ThE girl WiTh ThE dragon TaTToo
.
. ThE rooTs - undun
. .
ThE black kEys El camino
WWE ‘12
ThE lEgEnd of zElda: skyWard sWord
.
ThE siTTEr
.
currEn$y - jET World ordEr
undEr-hyPEd
cool
TinkEr Tailor soldiEr sPy
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10
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the ultimate at-home drinking game One of the worst
things about being at home is the inability to booze whenever you please. But have no fear, for obviously The Black Sheep is here to give you an entertaining and easy way to get your drink on during any of the many awkward times you spend at home. So grab a fifth and a flask, because you're about to get drunk (again).
on the car ride home
when decorating for the holidays...
Take a drink when you get a text from a high school buddy asking about your plans over break. Take a drink every time you hit repeat on your iPod. Take a drink every time you check Twitter on your phone. Take two drinks every time your parents ask you about your GPA this semester. Take two drinks every time your mom comments on your appearance. Take two drinks for every half-hour you're in the car. Take three drinks for every awkward silence. Take five drinks when you realize you left your phone at school.
Take a drink every time your cat starts eating the tinsel. Take a drink for every ornament you break. Take two drinks for every stocking you hang. Take three drinks every time you untangle a string of lights. Take three drinks every time you get on a ladder. Take three drinks for every time your dad drops an f-bomb while putting up the Christmas lights. Take five drinks every time your mom tears up during "Little Drummer Boy." Take ten drinks if you put up a huge inflatable decoration.
while celebrating the holidays with your family
while last minute shopping
Take a drink for every gift you guess incorrectly. Take a drink for every pair of socks or underwear you get. Take a drink every time someone tells a story starting with "When I was in college..." Take a drink every time you catch someone feeding the dog. Take a drink for every National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation reference your dad makes. Take two drinks every time you catch the cat messing around in the Christmas tree. Take two drinks every time grandma notes how old you look. Take three drinks every time someone asks you how the service you didn't go to was. Take three drinks for every gift you receive that still has the clearance price tag on it. Take four drinks every time a relative retells a story. Take four drinks every time your 17-year-old cousin successfully sneaks wine. Take four drinks every time your parents jokingly mention Santa and think you're still amused. Take five drinks for every time your mom raises her voice. Take five drinks every time a new course is served. Take ten drinks every time someone mentions that you're single or asks when you're going to start having babies. Take ten drinks if grandpa passes out before 2 p.m.
Take a drink for every drunk Salvation Army bell-ringer you see. Take a drink for every time you move a space in any given line. Take a drink every time you buy something for yourself. Take two drinks for every time an overweight woman nudges you then glares at you. Take two drinks every time you start sweating. Take three drinks when you see an elf touch himself wrongly. Take three drinks for every item you're looking for that's out of stock. Take five drinks for every screaming, crying and generally unhappy baby you see on Santa's lap.
On new year's day Take a drink for every bad decision you made. Take a drink for every episode of a T.V. marathon you watch. Take a drink for every tagged picture from last night. Take a drink for every butt slap or fist pound you see during the football games. Take two drinks every time you choke back vomit. Take two drinks every time you actually get off the couch. Take three drinks every time you get a glass of water. Take eight drinks every time you change your resolution.
what kind of hard liquor are you? c) 30 minutes d) 10 minutes
6) What’s your style? a) Fashion-forward b) Eccentric. My style is my style. c) Pretty much stays the same. What I wore in high school. d) Uhhh…Whatever looks good? 7) What’s your ideal setting? a) City b) Wherever there are bars, friends, and a T.V. I’m good c) Suburbs d) Artsy Town
Christmas Movies
1
2
3
4
6
7
9
8 10
11
12 13 14 15
16
17 18 19
20
23 24
25 26
b) b) b) b)
2 3 1 2
c) c) c) c)
answers 4 1 2 3
D) D) D) D)
3 4 3 4
5: a) 2 b) 1 c) 4 D) 3 6: a) 1 b) 2 c) 3 D) 4 7: a) 1 b) 4 c) 3 D) 2
21
DOWN: 1) Actor Carrey 3) Bulldawg’s cry 4) It’s time to tee it up between the ____! 5) Famous brand of jeans 8) Color of the perfect Christmas 9) 2003 movie starring Billy Bob
Thronton 11) McCault Caulkin Christmas flick 13) We beat them 45-7 14) And on Wednesday’s we wear 16) BIggest shopping day of the year 20) Home during finals 21) ____ shoot your eye out 22) “Immediately, if not sooner” letters 25) ___ and tonic
1
Across German luxury car peaceful birds
1 3
Down Actor Carrey Bulldawg's cry
Christmas Movies
2 6
solution:
22
1 2 4 1
questions: ACROSS: 2) German Luxury Car 6) Peaceful Birds 7) Popular Athens Street 10) Peppermint holiday drink 11) No place like ____ 12) Google web browser 13) Victoria’s Secret models 15) Scrooge’s motto 17) Elf’s name 18) Killer Snowman 19) He stole Christmas 22) Study buddy 23) Our capital, abbrv. 24) Christmas hymns 26) ____ on 34th Street
5
1: a) 2: a) 3: a) 4: a)
J I 2 3 4 B M W H 5 O L E 6 7 D O V E B R O A D F V G 9 8 I W B E 10 11 S C H N A P P S H O M E I D O 12 T C H R O M E 13 A N G E L S E 14 U A P 15 16 B N I B A H H U M B U G 17 B U D D Y T N L L 18 R J A C K F R O S T A 19 20 21 G R I N C H N S C Y 22 A D D E R A L L K O S C U 23 A T L F L 24 P C A R O L S I 25 G D M I R A C L E N Y
The crossword!
23-28: Whiskey. This liquor is not for everyone. You like to have a good time, and all you need to do that is a T.V. to watch the latest game, your friends, and a strong drink in your hand. If you think I’m wrong in pairing you with Whiskey, head over to The Volstead downtown and take a shot of Jack Daniels Tennessee Honey off their ice bar. It will change your life.
Down 1 Actor Carrey 3 Bulldawg's cry 4 It's time to tee it up between the ____! 5 Famous brand of jeans 8 Color of the perfect Christmas 9 2003 movie starring Billy Bob Thornton 11 McCauly Caulkin Christmas flick 13 We beat them 45-7 14 And on Wednesday's we wear 16 Biggest shopping day of the year 20 Home during finals 21 ____ shoot your eye out 22 "Immediately, if not sooner" letters 25 ___ and tonic
4) How long does it take you to get ready for a night out? a) 1 Hour b) 20 minutes
17-22: Rum. Who doesn’t like Rum? This may be the “safest” bet when choosing a liquor; there’s not too much bite and you can mix it with anything under the sun. You tend to stay on the safe side yourself, and hey, that’s ok. Take a shot of it tonight though. Live a little.
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3) Friends would describe your sense of humor as… a) Inappropriate b) Streamlined c) Off-beat d) Corny
7-11 points: Vodka. This drink feels has a modern and clean feeling that matches you well. You like to take it in shots or mix it with other delicious beverages. This liquor is as versatile as you are and lets you be the life of any party. 12-16 points: Gin. Such an underrated liquor. The flavor has a strange kick to it, but that’s how you like it. This liquor satisfies you craving for variety and your eccentric nature.
5) What’s your favorite kind of food? a) Falafels, tacos, Chinese…I like to spice it up b) Finger foods. I love to order appetizers c) Steak, burgers, ribs…where’s the MEAT? d) I stick to sandwiches most of the time
2) In social situations you’re typically… a) Making sure everyone is getting along b) Trying to get to know everyone c) The center of attention d) Just trying to have a good time
Results
Across German luxury car peaceful birds Popular Athens street Peppermint holiday drink No place like ____ Google web browser Victoria's Secret models Scrooge's motto Elf's name Killer snowman He stole Christmas Study buddy Our capital, abbrv. Christmas hymns ____ on 34th street
1) How do you spend your Saturday nights? a) Drinking with friends then heading downtown b) Hitting up the nearest music venue c) Watching whatever game is on ESPN d) Finishing that project you put off until the weekend
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quiz:
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Under $25Gift Packages! The Party Person
MotorolaA
For the person who deadpans “What do you mean you can’t go out? It’s Monday! Coconut Water ($3) - If you don’t drink when you wake up, how are you supposed to drink all day? Sleep Mask ($6) - For when you forget to turn off the strobe light. Glitter ($0.77) - It’s important to look faaaaaaaaabulous. 6 Custom Beer Pong Balls ($14) - People are going to know you mean business.
The Designated Driver
Also known as your own personal guardian angel. Febreeze ($4) - Yes, there’s puke. But also sweat and pee and blood. This car is more disgusting than an army hospital. Barf Bag 5pk ($6.50) - They just cleaned their carpets, dude. C’mon! Compass ($5) and Road Atlas ($10) - For the most ghetto GPS imaginable. No asshole, there’s no Penis Boulevard.
Mr. Super Broke
What do you mean you’re going to be a little late on August rent? Ramen 12pk ($5.99) - Once they’ve eaten the noodles, they can use the cup to beg for change. 6 Shares of Ford stock ($1.81 x 5) - Sometimes it’s important to feel like a CEO. Windex ($3.99) and Paper towel roll ($1.50 x 2) - Get a job, deadbeat!
trix 2 Phone PRICE: $99 (for AT&T, $499.99 without contract) notable features: Android 2.3 network, built-in FM radio, 8 GB internal memory, plus an 8MP front and rear facing camera. (wireless.att.com) why it rocks: This phone is really nice. It has 4G speed, a pretty sweet camera that takes crisp photos and videos. And while many phones have a learning curve that rests somewhere between “rage inducing” and “fuck this, I’ll just use a telegraph,” the Atrix 2 is actually pretty intuitive in its use. Zumocast-- a program that allows you to access files and information stored on your computer’s hard drive—is one of the phone’s best features. Did we mention that this telephone even makes calls and sends texts? Crazy!
Destined for Greatness Duffel
Lululemon
PRICE: $140 notable features: Weatherproof, industrial strength Velcro, buckle can also double as a bottle opener! (chromebagsstore.com) Why it rocks: This bag is waterproof and roomy enough to put your supplies for the whole day inside of it. If you depend on your bike for transportation, the bag has clips that could hold lights, a U-lock, or your dignity, for when you accidentally run into a car. Not to mention it has adjustable straps to ensure a perfect fit to your bod. Just strap it on and go! As if this bag wasn’t cool enough already… the buckle can double as a bottle opener, making grabbing a beer right as you walk in the door from work or class that much easier. Oh, and it comes with a lifetime guarantee, which already makes it better than marriage.
Hah, you don't need to answer that. Whether you've been naughty or just down right nasty this year, we've got plenty of gifts that you'll be begging to receive. You do know it's better to give then to receive, though, right? Of course you do... you're not on the nice list for a few very good reasons.
Timbuk 2M
Chrome
Citizen Buckle Messenger Bag
Are You on the Naughty List?
PRICE: $128 notable features: Goofy labeled pockets-galore to keep your junk organized, stow-able nylon straps to fit any size yoga mat, water-resistant fabric, and can hold up to 50lbs! (lululemon.com) why it rocks: This workout bag is perfect for the gym, or any other on-thego occasion that suggests you would have to carry a ton of shit. Not to mention it’s actually cute! It’s super sturdy straps let you carry gobs of “necessities” with confidence. The bag also features tons of easily accessible pockets (most of which are labeled with quirky suggestions of what to put in them, sadly there’s nothing to hold your shattered dreams) for all your organizational needs. It even has a pocket that is designed to slide your laptop in to keep it safe, because you know how shifty those yogi's can be.
essenger Bag PRICE: $120 notable features: 50 different iconic celebrity faces staring back at you, waterproof exterior, lifetime guarantee and pockets on pockets. (timbuk2.com) why it rocks: This bag is really functional. It’s waterproof, spacious and can be adjusted to fit your frame. Padded straps make lugging around too much crap a little bit less awful. And with tons of pockets with different colored zippers, maybe you can actually find your keys or wallet without dumping all of the contents of the whole bag out. The lconoclast version of this classic Timbuk2 messenger bag is limited edition and is made with fabric that has the faces of 50 different cultural icons printed on it. Each is unique, depending on what swatch of fabric was used, which is cool. Anyone you get this for will use it everyday. Except for Sunday, that’s the Lord’s day.
Lap Dock 100 Motorola
holiday gift guide 2011
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PRICE: $249.99 notable features: High resolution, bright 10.1 screen, can be hooked up to a variety of phones (best paired with the Atrix 2), Motoprint application makes printing easy. (motorola.com) why it rocks: The lapdock makes using the web on the go easy and convenient, without having to lug around a heavy laptop (that would most likely only connect to wifi anyway). Just connect your phone to the port on the back of the device and you instantly have a bigger screen and a keyboard. It’s so much better than trying to use a tiny touch screen with your stubby sausage fingers. Hell, it’s so good it made us forget they aired those annoying commercials during the NCAA tournament last year.
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PRICE: $7.99 - $9.99 for a six pack (includes Bellaire Brown, Black Cheery Porter, Chocolate Wheat, Pandemonium Pale Ale, Autumn Ale, Huma Lupa Licious IPA) Notable features: Delicious, high quality ingredients make this micro-brew delicious. (shortsbrewing.com) WHY IT RULES: All of these beers are rid-donk-licious, and can be considered a special treat for anyone (21 and up) on your holiday list. Shorts Brewing Company consciously only uses the finest ingredients and it shows. They really know what they’re doing when it comes to creating tasty brewskies. Not to mention that all of these beers have an ABV% of at least 5? If getting drunk in a warm, Keystone-free cocoon of smiles is your aim, Shorts will definitely do the trick.
Homebrewers Outpost
Beer Making Starter Kit PRICE: $134.99 (includes ingredients) Notable features: Everything you need to brew your own divine beers while still being cost effective. (homebrewers.com) WHY IT RockS: With this kit you’re able create your own beer at a fraction of the cost of buying delicious high-gravity craft beers elsewhere. Once you have the equipment, it’s easy to order ingredients. The process is easy enough, too (check back in the first issue of the 2nd semester as we try to make our own beer.) Brewing is the ultimate bragging right, it makes you superior to all your friends, because you’re getting tipsy off of your own hard work. What else could a beer guru dream of?
Peligroso Reposado
42 Tequila PRICE: $44.99 Notable features: Smooth, wonderful and full of the promise of a magnificent time. (peligrosotequila.com) WHY IT RockS: Everyone loves tequila, right? Well, Peligoros Reposado 42 is perfect for any holiday party. While all of your kind of trashy, lame friends from home are throwing down shot after shot of Burnett’s or Jose Cuervo, you’ll look like the epitome of class when you whip this bad boy bottle out. And since this tequila is still pretty new, you can be really vague as to where you got it. “Oh, I just know a guy…” will have your friends thinking you know someone in the cartel. Don’t forget the salt and limes!
Galaxy Tablet 10.1 Samsung
Short's Brewery
Variety Pack
PRICE: $499.99 (for 16 GB) notable features: Includes Adobe flash, brilliantly crisp widescreen display, and weighs only 1.25 pounds. (samsung.com) Why it rocks: This tablet is awesome. The high-resolution screen is really crisp and the tablet itself has so. many. features. Even before you start downloading different apps like crazy. It has all the amenities of a laptop, but is incredibly easy to take on the go, and with 16 gigs of memory and almost 10 hours of battery life, using adult movies to weird out the guy sitting next to you on the airplane has never been easier. Also, it makes it easy to keep track of your plethora of social engagements… erm, exams and deadlines… with the agenda calendar right at your fingertips. It runs on the new and improved Android 3.1 Honeycomb network, which is still pretty similar to previous versions— making the conversion really easy. Check one of these out soon!
Under $25 Gift Packages!
For the Lusty Lover
(They’re spare hole fits your round peg surprisingly well.) Bottle of Boone’s Farm Strawberry Hill ($3.99) - If they’re actually excited about this, make sure you card them. Hard. Whipped Cream ($2.99) - If nothing else, it gives you an excuse to shower together. Tea Lights ($5.99) - Really set the mood, until you start your apartment on fire. Redbox Flick ($0.99) - If you play your cards right, you’ll be flickin’ their red box.
FOR THE Super Greek
(He’s totally your best brah that happens to be a brah in a house, brah.) Knock-off Wayfarers ($4.99) - Because the sun never sets on cool. Collegiate sweat band ($3.99) - I go hard for my school, what, do you go to state or somethin’? Beer Bong ($12.99) - Not chug-a-lug house! Leather Cleaner ($3.49) - It’s always important to keep those Sperry's fresh.
for the Study Buddy
(Friends don’t let friends go into tests unprepared.) 30 Adderall ($3.25) - If they don’t study all the info, how are they supposed to make sure you pass your test? Daily Planner ($9.99) - After you lost your syllabus, they let you know when the tests occur. Ambient Music Mix ($0.00) - They’ve got to focus all night if you’re going to learn trigonometry. Quiet Library Snacks ($4.49) - You wouldn't want them to be the douche eating Sunchips, would you?)
Price: $89 (large, 38' diameter) NOTABLE FEATURES: Party tricks, potential of abs and popularity, did we mention it lights the f up? (moodhoops.com) why it rocks: Uh, how a LED light-up hula hoop not rock? With one push of a button the whole thing goes apeshit with internal LED lights that dance and move on their own. When being used, the hooper is completely enveloped in bright, colorful lights! By default this will attract anyone cool in your path and will make you extremely popular in no time! Hula hooping has also become very popular as a way of working out, so you could get a spring break ready body WHILE entertaining the drunken masses. It would be irresponsible NOT to get this for someone on your list (or just keep for yourself instead).
holiday gift guide 2011
SHOW US YOUR BOOZE: BOOK OF MATTHEW 2:1-12
They came from the east when they saw his star rise...
They came to pay homage to a new king...
The Three Wise Men.
The evil King Herod had also heard the news.
Threatened, he summoned the Three Wise Men to his court...
And demanded they find this new king...
...so Herod could destroy him.
They paid him no mind and continued their journey.
The star stopped, they arrived.
Inside, they presented the new King with three presents...
Goldschlager, the dankest scents, and beer.
For he truly was King of the Booze!
Meanwhile...
Quiz: What High School Friend Are You? 1. On the ride home with your parents, you couldn’t stop talking about… A) How the beautiful landscape reminds you that He loves you in a way your parents could never quite fathom. B) How every mile away from campus your heart aches more and more, knowing you’ll be out of his loving embrace for a whole month. C) How you can’t wait to unpack all your shit. And Mom, if you threw away that KoRn tapestry, I swear to god you’re buying me a new one. 2. The first thing you did when you walked into your old room… A) You took down your “Co-Exist” bumper sticker. What’s the point when you’ve found the one? B) You took down the hitter box you
Key: 1) A: 2 B: 1 C: 3 2) A: 2 B: 3 C: 1 3) A: 3 B: 1 C: 2 4) A: 1 B: 3 C: 2 5) A: 1 B: 2 C: 3 6) A: 2 B: 3 C: 1 7) A: 1 B: 2 C: 3 8) A: 3 B: 2 C: 1
stashed in your closet. After the car ride with those losers you really need to take the edge off. C) You took down that Kate Upton poster. She just doesn’t compare anymore. 3. The first thing you notice about your best bud from high school is… A) You no longer think of him as a best bud, that’s reserved for the Purple Nurple, man. B) He’s not wearing a promise ring. C) That beer belly and long hair are a clear sign he doesn’t consider his body a temple for The Lord.
5. The party was lame so you decide to catch a flick instead. You suggest… A) “The Muppets, I kinda missed most if it when I went with her.” B) “The Muppets, I haven’t protested a movie in a while.” C) “The Muppets, I hear it syncs up with My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy, if you start playing it on your iPhone when Animal bangs the kick drum in the 3rd song.”
4. When said buddy asks if you want to hit up a party, you respond, A) “Do they have Skype? I need to use it.”
6. Driving around your hometown, you never realized there was so many… A) People who are destined for hell. B) Fuckin’ hot high school sophomores!
8-13: You’ve found love! While most of your friends will come back from college regaling you with tails of depravity and lost innocence, you’ll be telling them about the quiet Friday night you and Beth spent sipping hot cocoa and looking through photo albums. It’s all good though, those friends weren’t really getting any, they’re just narrating a movie they once saw on YouPorn.
Meet The Staff! campus manager Ethan Cunningham
Riley Humes Christine Kottis
Advertising Manager Suzanne Durden
campus director Brendan Bonham
editorial Manager Ali Misner
Founders Ethan Cunningham Suzanne Durden Amy Ellerman Atish Doshi Brendan Bonham Heather-Jo Erickson Jimmy DeBlasio Jessica Sommers
marketing/distribution Manager Brittney Johnson Writers Alexandra Rose Harley Quinn Elizabeth Maguire Josie Rabbitt Abraham Froman Sarah J. Gatsby
B) “When did the party ever stop, dude?” C) “Let me put on my Temple garments first.”
Questions?
14-19: You’ve found God! There you were, ready to take that 4th hit of acid, when a cat turns to you and says, “Have you found your Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?” The next day you realized you hadn’t, from then on, it’s only been Jesus Juice for you.
C) Reasonably-priced homes for you and Karen to move into in three years. 7. When you run into the high school loser, you can’t help but say, A) “I’VE HAD SEX!” B) “Christ can heal more than just your physical body, my Brother.” C) “Hey, does Shakey Bakes have anything new in?” 8. To you, Christmas is really about… A) The presents you can return so you can finally buy that new vaporizer you’ve been eyeing. B) A day of celebration, for He has finally come. C) Making sure you have enough text messages left to keep in touch with your baby.
20-24: You’ve found…college isn’t really for you. After a semester of hanging out with some bros, plowin’ some hoes, seein’ some shows and snortin’ some No-Doz, you’ve had a blast. And while your social life is a solid 4.0, your GPA is closer to 0.4. Maybe living with the parents for the rest of your life really isn’t that bad.
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Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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Holiday Partyscopes!
Sagittarius (Nov. 21 - Dec 21.) You are trying way too hard to impress your relatives. I mean, you haven’t really done anything impressive. Yeah, you outdrank that senior at Alpha Sigma Alcohol once, but you can’t exactly tell your family that. Just shut the fuck up and hope they glaze over your recent arrest record.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You’re most likely that awkward college kid still at the kid’s table. It’s unfortunate. You’re not exactly mature, so it’s not like you deserve a spot at the adult table, but you’re also not about to fling a handful of mashed potatoes at your aunt. Actually, you might do that. Revenge is a bitch, family! Who’s laughing now?
Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) Oh god. Family, You are soooooo uncomfortable. Who do you talk to? What do you say? You don’t want to tell your life story to relative strangers. Are they judging me? Shit, I should’ve showered…Ok calm down spaz attack. Just smile and have a mouthful in at all times so no one can get a word in edgewise. You can’t talk if you’re wolfing down potatoes and gravy like there’s no tomorrow.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You love this holiday because it makes you feel useful. You can help prepare the turkey, greet your relatives, calm the screaming cousins, etc. Enjoy it while you can; after everyone wakes up from their tryptophan coma, you’ll go back to being a freeloader on your dad’s basement couch. Get up and go get a job asshole.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 -Feb. 18) You hate everything else, so of course you’re going to loathe family get-togethers. As the resident Negative Nancy of the family everything from the food to the cousins to the family charades aren’t up to your standards. That’s probably why you’re going to get a serving or two, go into the T.V. room, and watch reruns of Desperate Housewives until your extended family leaves. Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 20) You should have a large bottle of Valium handy, because you cannot handle people. They make you nervous. Looking nice, being kind, in general attempting to be presentable is just too overwhelming for you. I get it, you’re socially awkward. But maybe at least try a smile or two? The least you can do is bring the candied yams in. Aries (March 21 - Apr. 19) Let’s, be honest, you are probably a huge fatass. In your normal life, you shove cheese curds down your throat like a Playboy Playmate at a Charlie Sheen party. Good for you tiger, this is your holiday. Live it up, eat everything in sight, and try to not give yourself a hernia. Expect to puke up turkey for at least 4 days after. Taurus (Apr. 20 - May 20) You generally utilize the holidays to attempt to wheedle money out of your relatives at all costs. You are not above bribing, sucking up, and blatant pandering. It is pathetic to watch, but what do you care? You’re getting your cash money. Your gluttony fits in nicely with the most recent holiday, you greedy bastard.
Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) Having all of your family in one place provides you ample opportunities to show off. If we get real here, you don’t feel validated unless someone tells you you’re awesome at least once a day. You might as well just wear a t-shirt with your grade transcript printed on it. (Helpful hint: you’re the annoying , overzealous cousin.) Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) You have always been the “good child”. While your siblings got arrested for underage drinking or selling crack in an alleyway, you always kept your nose clean (literally). The family is proud of you, and we here at the Sheep applaud you for not slipping into the age-old college trap of stripping to “get through college” and then just staying there for 5 years. Better not fuck up or you’ll let everyone down. Enjoy the pressure! Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) Both sides of your family are batshit crazy. And they hate each other. They vie for the attention of you and your siblings because you are actually normal and marginally well adjusted. What in the hell do you when they both gun at you, trying to shove cranberry sauce in your mouth? RUN BITCH. Grab a drumstick and hide in your room until everyone is too drunk to fight. I’m so sorry. Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) Rumors of your promiscuity have traveled from school back to your family (most likely through an unblocked facebook profile. Security that shit UP.) They are all going to stare at you and that giant bruise on your neck awkwardly when you ask for more stuffing. Be patient sweetheart, you’ll get stuffed soon enough back at school.
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