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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 2, Issue 1 2/9/12 - 2/28/12
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real life on the horizon
or: How I Realized Hell is Soon Approaching Abraham Froman wrote this I like making money. In fact, I want to attain enough of it to rightfully own the title of “baron” in the 21st century. But I also like staying up to see the sun rise on the back porch while pulling from a whiskey bottle and listening to Otis Redding. Until I can find a way to make money doing that, it looks like I (along with my other classmates) will have to enter into the dark foreboding realm of the corporate world. A career fair, you say? If I’m lucky, the recruiter will look at my resume. If I’m even luckier, a piece of said resume will cling to the recruiter’s body after she shreds all potential resumes. To hell with career fairs. It’s like pissing on the side of the toilet bowl – you have to pee, you just don’t want to make too loud of a splash. Seventy trillion (calculus, bitches) peers around you with only one harried recruiter makes it hard to shine without looking like the biggest douchebag of the bunch. Yet, if you’re lucky enough to have a friend’s dad’s cousin’s fuck-buddy-from-high-school as a VP at Conglomotech, you might just get an interview in Tate the next day. You know – the interviews in the grand ballroom alongside of another seventy trillion people. There’s an old adage, “Never wear a suit nicer than the person interviewing you.” Well, what if the person interviewing you isn’t wearing a suit? What if that person closely resembles a balding Willem Dafoe? And those eyes…those goddamn eyes. This is what I encountered in Tate after the career fair. Not needing to be up until noon for class, I casually booked a 9:30 a.m. interview. Moron. I hastily knot my necktie, as the memories of college spew tears in the corners of my room, yearning for the times we never really remembered together. Then I make it over to Tate and watch candidate after candidate walk up to the sign-in desk and tell the receptionist his or her name only to be pointed to enormous signs hanging on the wall detailing the sign-in process. As I hope these prodigies are applying for the same job that I am, a sudden chill hits the air as my name is called. And wouldn’t you know it, the
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interviewer immediately goes off on how he was from Georgia Tech. Hey man, go to hell. Where are you now, big shot? So there we sat, on one side, young Abe: fresh to start his career in big boy land. On the other side, an interviewer immediately pissed that I called his gray-market server company a “gray-market server company”. For him, the interview went downhill. I, however, thought the conversation was delightfully awkward, telling him that I had no idea why I was selected for the interview as I had little interest in the position offered.
Looking back on it, I probably could’ve been a little more helpful and compliant by giving them a candidate that had potential. And sure, I have the potential. We have the potential, but these career fairs are little more than temporary slaughterhouses built up to further bloat the cavernous maw that is the corporate world. Walk in and before you know it there’s two quick shots to the back of the head in the form of a car loan and at mortgage. Graduate school looks mighty appealing at this point.
Part one of our twopart series thinks Valentine’s Day is just dandy, dear!
GOD I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING! I HOPE YOU ALL DIE ALONE!
Duh, stay under someone else, right?
see page 4
see page 5
see page 6
An Optimist’s Perspective on Valentine’s Day A Pessimist’s Perspective on Valentine’s Day Survive A Break-Up (And Come Out On Top)
Table of > > > PAGE 5>>>
The Top Ten
PAGE 6>>
From the Streets
page 10 >>
The Taco Bell Challenge
page 12 >>
Bartender of the Issue
page 13 >>
The Black Sheep’s Guide To Republican Right-Wing Conservatives
contents
Things to do in Class Besides Learn at UGA
10
What’s Your Favorite YouTube Video Right Now?
win or lose, at least you get to enjoy some taco bell.
Anthony just got a new job at Flanagan’s, go check him out there.
13
Um, they’re all old white dudes?
come join the team Writers | Marketers | Ad Sales | Groupies GET AT US: UGA@theblacksheeponline.com
page three
pic of the week >>> want to win
a very harold and kumar christmas
on dvd?
Obviously, right?
sorry bro #thatawkwardmoment when you realize you weren’t invited to a party in your own house...
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Breast Icky El
A Snare Enjoys Rhythm
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Definition: Any argument that is a direct result of two people fighting over one woman. The herfuffle between Keith and Marshall hit an apex when Marshall took Amanda ice skating over the weekend.
04
valentine’s day: An optimist’s and a pessimist’s perspective Riley Humes and Elizabeth Maguire wrote this By Riley Humes - The Optimist Valentine’s Day is a ridiculously over-marketed holiday founded and fueled by Hallmark, designed to make a profit off of overstock red teddy bears and induce tears in girls all across America. Wow, so much to celebrate! However, in my time here at the University of Georgia, I’ve learned a few tricks about why Valentine’s Day can be the best time of the year. So it’s time to clean up that running eye liner, get off the couch, embrace the tacky commercials and annoying radio ads, and become familiar with the true meanings of love, because they are as follows: Take Me Out: Ladies, even if you have the shittiest boyfriend in the world, tonight you’ve got the authority to make him take you wherever the hell you want. So if your man’s idea of a date is buy one get one free at Cane’s, tell him he can think again and make a reservation at Last Resort. And order cheesecake after dinner. This is the one night of the year you can milk him for all he’s worth. “But bayyyyybe... It’s Valentine’s Day!” Sexy Can I: And boys, as long as you agree to this dinner, it’s pretty much guaranteed you’re gonna get some tonight. All any girl really wants on Valentine’s Day is to feel like she’s better than other single girls because she has a boyfriend, so she’s probably going to be willing to prove it to you- in a variety of positions. Tonight, think with your head, not with your wallet, if you know what I mean. Everything Gets Hotter When The Sun Goes Down: Valentine’s Day falls on a Tuesday, but you can pretty much bet that Clayton Street will be looking like Friday of Auburn
weekend with all the people drinking away their sorrows. Every bar lining the streets of Athens is gonna have ridiculous drink specials and a slew of people looking to get V-Day wasted, so put on some slutty heels and see if some desperate fraternity boys will buy you a dollar vodka tonic from Sideways. Good Girls Go Bad: Boys, let’s face it. Valentine’s Day makes girls with daddy issues look difficult to pick up. We’re in college- so celebrate the fact that you’re single, in the best bar town in America, and surrounded by hot southern belles more than willing to unzip their True Religions for you. These opportunities won’t last forever, so it’s time to make the most of whatcha got. Whether you’re trying to work your way into their hearts or their pants, both are gonna be as open as the Grand Canyon on Valentine’s Day, so use what little game you have to score- this might be your only chance. I’ll Take You To The Candy Shop: Have any of y’all seen Kroger the day after Valentine’s Day? Every ridiculous piece of candy featuring vomit-worthy slogans such as “Kiss Me!” or “I’m Yours!” is going to be at least 75% off. This is not just some shitty cherryflavored candy cane pack leftover from Christmas, this is the best assortment of Russell Stover’s that you’re gonna find all year. So get your ass over to your nearest Walgreen’s and use your month’s grocery money on your real true loves- Twix and Milky Way. So, bitter, sullen girls and desperate, girl-crazy boys: enjoy a change of pace and look forward to Valentine’s Day this year. Stop moping around your sorority house playing Taylor Swift albums and go out and embrace Valentine’s Day for all the wrong reasonsand all the right outcomes.
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THe top ten
Things to Do in Class Besides Learn at UGA 10) SLEEP: I can’t be the only student annoyed with so many of the classes at UGA taking attendance. Little do those attendance sheets know, there is a difference between physical and mental presence. Many professors lack that chutz pah that keeps students’ eyelids from drooping, and some might as well be singing lullabies. If you’re going to sleep during class, please be courteous and wipe the drool off your desk; professors don’t like that. 9) HOMEWORK: Why spend your precious, limited personal time doing homework at home when you could be getting it done during that boring lecture? In fact, this is really the most responsible way to utilize class time. You’re maximizing free time and minimizing work time. In other words, being a boss. 8) SOCIAL NETWORKS: The perfect counterbalance to the typical anti-social classroom setting. Class is an ideal time to write on people’s Facebook walls, chat them, or Facebook stalk classmates. Sometimes you can even find something worth tweeting about, but if not you can always just scour your Twitter feed and see if @sassygaydriver is in a Beyoncé mood or if he’s experiencing fits of UGGS rage. Either way, he never fails to brighten any class time. 7) ONLINE SHOPPING: Now that spring collections are coming out, this is an obvious choice. One’s ability to concentrate on clothes increases exponentially while in a class setting, so there’s really no better time to dive into jcrew.com. You’re not in a classroom, you’re in a giant, never-ending mall! Doesn’t that make class so much more enjoyable?
By Elizabeth Maguire - The Pessimist Even as a child, Valentine’s Day was filled with jealousy, tears and tummy aches. The only difference now is that you’re no longer jealous of the girls with the most candy grams in class, but the girls with the most potential dates. You don’t cry because Billy stole the red glitter, but because he stole your virginity and then never called. Gone are the tummy aches caused by too many candy hearts and lollipops, only to be replaced by a debilitating hangover and the early stages of cirrhosis. No matter who you are, boy or girl, single or otherwise, Valentine’s Day always has been and will continue to be a major letdown. So let’s say you’re single. After frantically searching for a date the week before this loathsome holiday, you convince yourself that you “don’t even want a boyfriend.” So you go out with your other desperately single friends and spend the majority of the night throwing yourself at guys so you can spare yourself the pain of going to bed alone. So much for girls’ night. Even if you do trick someone into your bed, no one you go home with tonight will ever call you back. You’ll spend a good part of the following month trying to erase the already-foggy memory of that one night stand because, let’s face it, if he were the relationship type wouldn’t he be in a relationship right now? On the most romantic of holidays? The answer, you pathetic and naïve little saps, is yes. As for you guys out there, this may seem like the perfect holiday for you, right? Easiest night to get laid. That may be the case, but any girl that’s out drinking on V-Day is likely a stage five clinger or a super skank. Hence the reason she couldn‘t convince a single dude to
even take her for a $5 grease burger at The Grill. Either way, if you go out looking for someone Valentine’s Day you’ll most likely be stuck with a persistent psycho or the herp. You decide which is worse. Being in a relationship is arguably even more of a bitch than being single on Valentine’s Day. Buying presents for anyone other than yourself is never a good time, especially when you know you’ll be receiving one back. Do I buy him something expensive on the slim chance that he bought me that Michael Kors watch I’ve been hinting about? Or do I get him a case of beer and end up looking like a shyster when he does pull through? Either way you lose. Best case scenario, he’ll take you to Square One, advise you to only order appetizers, and still shake his head when the bill comes. He’ll then demand sex after passive aggressively reminding you for the fiftieth time of the game he’s missing to be out with you. You’ll lay there counting your rolls after devouring the box of shitty Russell Stover’s chocolates thinking, “Not only did he not go to Jared’s but he didn’t even fucking go to Godiva.” Worst holiday ever. As you can see, no one really wins on Valentine’s Day. So with its arrival fast approaching, it’s time to start convincing yourself that this year February 14th is just another Tuesday. If you’re single, stay at home, drink boxed wine and take pictures of your cats as you would any other night. In a relationship? Pick up and practice the Book of Jehovah. Those crazy bastards don’t celebrate shit. Regardless of the path you decide to take this holiday, make sure it’s way out of that fat baby Cupid’s reach.
Feelin’ Lonely? Cheer Up! >>> theblacksheeponline.com
6) CHECK E-MAILS: A few hours go by and all of a sudden you have fifty unread e-mails. If you didn’t do this you would miss out on $20 Groupon bikini waxes, and those are hot commodity in the pre-beach bod season. Keeping your inbox clean is productive for you, your v-jay, the boyfriend you don’t have and your wallet. 5) TEXT: Lecture is a great time for responding to your mom’s random questions she asks or to make weekend plans with your friends. Put your phone on silent and your teacher will almost certainly not notice. 4) LISTEN TO MUSIC: This is for the individual who really couldn’t give less of a shit about class. Sit near the back with your earphones in and maybe throw your hood up if you’re trying to be discreet. You could even go the one earphone in, one earphone out option in case you get called on or need to appear responsive. 3) WRITE YOUR TO-DO LIST: Feeling overwhelmed? Write a list of everything you need to do and you’re bound to feel better. That way when you get out of class (the anti-productivity spot) you can get tackling all the things keeping you from watching Wedding Crashers with your friends tonight. 2) EAT: Couldn’t seem to get a proper lunch break when you were scheduling classes? Me either. Bring a snack to class instead of letting your stomach grumble away with hunger pangs. Put some thought into your snack though; apples are noisy, bananas can get squished, crackers crack and yogurt is disgusting when warm…don’t fall victim to a spoiled snack. 1) CHECK THE SCORES: Watching SportsCenter is a nice way to stay in the know about what’s going on in the sports world, but some mornings you just don’t have four hours to dedicate to sports. Game highlights, scores, top stories, you name it, it’s online.
Christine Kottis wrote this
06
www.theblacksheeponline.com
How To: Survive a Break-Up (And Come Out On Top)
alexandra rose wrote this
Milk It: Alright, so it’s time to forget about the shitty aspects of the break-up (how do people go more than two days without having sex?!) and start reaping the benefits. You know that awesome birthday immunity that you have once a year that gets you out of things like working a double and gets you free shots for a week? Okay, well think of this as a time when you have “break-up immunity.” Couldn’t get out of bed and missed a pop quiz? Muster up some tears and share your break-up sob story. Roommate bitching at you to do the dishes? “Fuck you, Aaron just broke up with me, you insensitive whore!” Seriously, people will cater to your every need for a week if you’re that big of a wreck. You might even consider calling your ex to thank them.
Get Hot: A wise woman named Ivana Trump once said, “The best revenge is looking good.” Bitch knows what she’s talking about. She’s like 60 and still has ultimate MILF status. Live by this mantra from now on. Post it on your mirror, write it on your hand, fucking tattoo it on your pelvis if you have to. This is the key step to kicking this break-up in the ass. But how? Well, typically, break-ups will work wonders for the appetite. The minute he’s tagged in a picture with another girl, you’ll feel your breakfast in the back of your throat. But, if the break-up results in you eating curly fries on the regular, then it’s time to set up a date with your new best friend, Adderall. As I’m sure you know, popping one of these a day will turn food into your kryptonite, and will also trick you into thinking that you really want to go on the elliptical for two hours a day, twice a day. Looking way hotter post-breakup is a huge slap in the face. Plus it works wonders for your confidence, and makes you feel like way less of a piece of shit all the time.
What’s your favorite YouTube video right now? ‘Nyoki! Nyoki! Please!’ Their hand gestures and their accents are funny.” - Helen K., Junior
You just got the unfortunate “We need to talk” text, and things didn’t go well. You got dumped, shit sucks. If you’ve never wallowed in self-pity before, it has now become your favorite activity. But you know what, fuck that. It’s time to get out of bed, dry your eyes, throw out the empty Ben & Jerry’s containers and get back to living. Sure, it’ll be rough at first, but if you need some motivation to suck it up and stop being a pussy, here’s a list of things you can do to help you get back on track and get back on top.
Stay Off Facebook: Seriously though. Delete that sappy song lyric you just posted as your status. “But it just perfectly describes what I’m going through right now!” Stop. Stop spending hours looking through every picture of the two of you and compulsively stalking your ex’s profile for any sign that he’s moving on. It’s pathetic. And don’t even think about friend requesting a bunch of guys in hopes that it shows up on his news feed. Child’s play. If you really want to be triumphant over this break-up, then it’s time to start getting serious.
From 'da Streets
‘Kittens Inspired by Kittens.’ It’s a classic and it’s quirky. It’ll always make my day. - Ashton P., Sophomore
Stay Busy: So you ditched all your friends, quit your job, and took nine hours last semester so you could spend more time with your boyfriend. Wow, you must feel like an idiot now. It’s time to get your life back. Join some clubs and get a new job. Meet new people. Step out of your comfort zone. Surrounding yourself with people and activities that make you happy will make it that much easier to get over the situation. Doing all the same things you used to do will just make you feel like shit all the time, since you’re doing them alone now. So now that you look super fine, it should be almost effortless to put yourself out there and start fresh. Slut It Up: Congratulations, you’ve made it through steps one through four! Now it’s time for the real fun to begin. Yes, it’s time to get out there and get some ass. You haven’t eaten for two weeks, so getting smashed will take next to no effort, plus you’re two sizes smaller, so girl, you lookin’ foiiine. Hit up the bars with your new group of hot bitches and make it known that you’re looking for some lovin’ tonight. If all goes well, all you’ll reveal about your post-breakup state is that you just got out of a serious relationship and are looking to have some “fun.” Tell that to a guy, and you might as well have a bull’s-eye tattooed on your chest. So put on your tiniest dress and skankiest shoes, and make some shady judgment calls tonight. After all, the best way to get over somebody is to get under somebody else.
‘My New Haircut’. It’s classic. Never gets old. - Royce D., Junior
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SHOUT OUTS! To the DJ spinning at the house party on Friday: You can’t clap along to every song and you need to lay down some beats that make people want to dance not have a seizure. And the song SHOUT is a horrible choice to end the night... you are the worst! To Blaise, Idk if your gay, but after grinding me on the dance floor and begging to come back to my apartment with me, I was expecting a little more then what happened...and that wasn’t my name you shouted, which concerned me… Nicole!!!! Is it still stiletto night if there’s rain coming down like kray kray? Dear neighbor two doors down from me, I don’t understand what’s so fun about throwing phone books in the hallway, and why it causes you to yell. Catherine, I don’t think calling our professor out on her feminist remarks is going to stop her from being a feminist, but you can sure try…and fail… Dear milk, why do you always leave when it’s time to hang out with cereal? Cereal and OJ just aren’t the same… Matt, were you seriously holding hands with Megan while ON the treadmill? Come on! Mike and Jeff! I don’t remember the name of the game, but it ended with one of you getting your ear pierced and it was awesome! Let’s play again! To my neighbor who seems to think I can’t hear the porn through the walls...you’re wrong. And you like really weird stuff. Was that a Grandma talking the other night? -508
SEND IN YOUR BEST SHOUT OUT TO SHOUT@theblacksheeponline. com or upload them at theblacksheeponline.com
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Happy Hour: 11am - 10pm $2 Domestic Bottles $2 Mimosas $3 Cosmos $6 Domestic Pitchers
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Martini Specials $3.50 Orange Kiss $4.00 Touch My Peaches $4.50 Paradise & Bomb Pop DJ DECEPTICRON at 10pm
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Happy Hour: 11am - 10pm $2 Domestic Bottles, $2 Mimosas, $3 Cosmos $6 Domestic Pitchers
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Beat The Black Sheep:
The Taco Bell Challenge
Ten crunchy tacos from Taco Bell, a stopwatch and a mean competitive streak. That’s all we had. That’s all you need. Can you beat us? By Brendan
The Challenge
How fast can one man eat ten crunchy tacos from Taco Bell?
TheA 6’3”, Challenger 185lb male.
TheUm,Plan of Attack to eat those tacos as fast as I possibly can.
The Prediction
I was relatively certain that I could finish all 10 tacos. Prior to the competition, I was hoping to complete the challenge in less than 10 minutes. Those that had witnessed me eat before were guessing in the 6-7 minute range.
The Retroactive Diary Taco 1 (17 seconds): I go down on this taco faster than a Skid Row whore who hasn’t had a fix in an hour. Seriously, count to 17. Can you eat a taco that quickly? It’s as though millions of tiny MSG particles cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced. Taco 2 (24 seconds): Watching myself inhale tacos on video, I feel an overwhelming sense of selfshame. You know how when you hear yourself on the phone you think, “there’s no way I sound like that.”? Now picture yourself spastically eating as fast as you can. Taco 3 (24 seconds): The amount of food falling out of my mouth is just…disgusting. Taco 4 (22 seconds): Before I begin this taco, a coworker ridicules me for not dousing my taco treasure in Fire Sauce. Clearly they do not understand that doing so would only add precious seconds to an incredibly time-sensitive challenge. Also: Fire Sauce sucks. There, I said it. Taco 5 (26 seconds): Somewhere in the middle of this taco I decide it’s time to take the first sip of my first drink. Diet Pepsi, of course, because I’m trying to lose weight with this challenge. Mostly by shitting my pants.
Taco 6 (28 seconds): After taking down the sixth taco before hitting the three minute mark, I’m 100% confident that I’ll demolish this challenge. It is not difficult. Taco 7 (27 seconds): I don’t really remember anything specific about this taco, but on the ride back with my food I saw a homeless child. I considered giving him one of my ten tacos. I did not, for the sake of the challenge. I still feel pretty bad about this. Taco 8 (24 seconds): I stab myself in the gums with a shard of taco shell. Honestly, that’s the hardest part of this challenge. When one is trying to shovel as much food into their pie hole as they can, injury can be expected. Taco 9 (26 seconds): At this point I’m not hungry, I’m not full, there’s not much left to the challenge and I’m just going as fast as I can to get the damn thing over with. Thank god third world countries have very limited access to the internet; this is gluttony at its finest, people. Taco 10 (31 seconds): Would a Taco Bell taco by any other name taste so distinctly of feet? Finally, YUM! Brand foods gets the best of me and I’m held to over 30 seconds on my final taco. Raucous applause fills the room as the crowd hails me as their new king. (Note: This does not happen.)
time: 5 minutes, 41 seconds
Are You In?
Think you can beat our time, tubby? Prove it. Tweet us at @theblacksheep99 with a link to a video of you mowing down on ten Taco Bell crunchy tacos. No exceptions. Do it, we’ll pop a picture of your bad, fat ass in the paper and send you a shirt. Yeah, we’ll even pay the postage.
The Aftermath
Honestly, eating that much Taco Bell wasn’t nearly as bad as we thought. As of this writing we’ve been digesting this future diarrhea for three hours and we don’t feel too bad. Sure, we’re a little gassy, but we expected to be moaning on the ground in throes of stabbing intestinal pain. The mental anguish, on the other hand, is pretty heavy. I just inhaled 1,700 calories in less than six minutes. And it’s not like I’ve even consumed high-quality food, the wet dog flavor never really escapes Taco Bell’s meat.
Don’t Believe Us?
Well, we videotaped the whole thing. Visit us at theblacksheeponline.com and search “Taco Bell Challenge.” The video will be hosted there, haters.
the entertainment page
oscar-baiting
On February 26th the 84th Academy Awards will light up television screens the world over. The show is little more than glorified masturbation, a group of people getting together to reassure one another of their awesomeness. But what if it really were an exercise in masturbation? Well, break out the lube, because we’re making us some pornos.
The Artist Porn Title: The Hardest Synopsis: A true masterpiece that harkens back to the days of silent smut, The Hardest features scenes shot in color, using only the finest interracial couples the adult film industry has to offer. This silent (perfect for young masturbators looking to avoid awkward parental questioning!) climaxes with Tyler Hardthrob vertically dancing the night away with newcummer Alice Wundersnatch.
Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close Porn Title: Scream Loud In Bed Without Clothes Synopsis: Set in a post-9/11 New York, this film features Tom Spanks and transsexual phenom Sandra Bullcock taking park in a series of sexual one-upmanship as they attempt to forget the suffering they endured as they watched those two long, hard towers cum tumbling down. You’ll be tearjerkin’ the night away!
The Descendants Porn Title: The Jizz Scent Pants Synopsis: Fatt Thing is a Honolulubased lawyer whose life takes a turn for the worse when his cheating wife is left for dead after an intense gangbang. Unsure of who the culprit is, Fatt is forced to repeatedly thrust himself into the dark kink underworld. Each wild ride leads him closer to the culprit, but also teaches him important lessons on female sexuality—lessons that could have saved his wife’s life.
The Help Porn Title: The Herp Synopsis: Jackin’, Mississippi sets the stage for Vagina “Skeetin’” Phelan’s daring escapades in a prim-and-proper pre-segregation southern city. Still a virgin, Skeetin’ (played by sensational starlet Emma Bone) begins writing a tell-all book about Jackin’s rampant herpes epidemic, which is rooted in the overly conservative school district’s lack of a proper sexual health curriculum. She chooses to contract the disease through a series of steamy lesbian encounters that burn harder than her soon-to-be-oozing sores.
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of montreal Paralytic Stalks Paralyzing the stalks that are your brain nerves, of Montreal definitely delivers. Of Montreal is weird. Kind of like Animal Collective weird, but a little more listenable initially. And also kind of like David Bowie weird, but a lot of danceable tunes. This gang of poppy lunatics hail from Georgia, which is quite the distance from Montreal, but has little to do with the band anyway. Their latest, Paralytic Stalks, is only a reminder of how crazy this band is, how universally abstract you are, and if those mushrooms have set in or if you’re just in a permanently good mood. Since forming in 1996, of Montreal has put out nearly a dozen full-length albums, with Paralytic Stalks being their 11th. While the majority of the album isn’t eerie, creepy, dramatic abstract sounds, these are what make the album uniquely poppy. Mixed in between pop tunes and electronic beats, these acid-induced dark sounds are a far cry from modern indie pop music and a damn refreshing cry at that. The ambient and eclectic layering of sounds are great to listen to with or without drugs involved, giving the listener an experience and actual feeling, which is hard to come by these days. Sure, Kevin Barnes unique psychedelic vocals might freak you the fuck out, but at least you’re feeling something. Their final track, “Authentic Pyrrhic Remission” is just over 13 minutes long, yet feels like 3 different songs, and one
GRADE B-
of my favorites on the album. The beginning starts off with unusual beats and higher-pitched singing, bordering on hardly catchy, but definitely interesting enough to stand out. Somewhere, somehow, in the middle, it starts to slow down with some distant chanting, forcing the listener to take a breath, lean back and hold on. The song tapers off into near nothingness, with just the slightest hint of static to keep the listener hanging on for more, ending in a nice light with soft piano and vocals. Ahhh… everything will be okay. This kind of music is hard to judge. Do I like listening to it? Of course— it’s different and it gets my attention, and sometimes even forces me to bob my head around. Do I want to listen to it on repeat? Probably not, because I think it might stress me out a little. But there’s no denying the utter creativity that this group has, comparable to greats like the aforementioned Animal Collective, Bowie, and even The Beatles. If you’re looking for something that’s out of your comfort level, of Montreal’s Paralytic Stalks will definitely do the trick. Sounds Like: Trippy Beatles with poppy screaming. Download: Wintered Debts, Authentic Pyrrhic Remission Listen to it When: You’re weird, and want to feel normal.
UPCOMING RELEASES Van Halen - A Different Kind of Truth Dierks Bentley - Home
Paul McCartney -Kissed on the Bottom The Lemonheads - Hotel Sessions
The Fray - Scars & Stories Dr. Dog - Be the Void
Hugo Porn Title: Huge-O Synopsis: The son of a down-andout urologist, Huge-O is destined for the life of a street rat. One day, though, the 13-year-old discovers masturbation for the first time. Content with a life of self-gratification, this bildungsroman chronicles Huge-O as he continues living life as a filthy homeless man, embarking on a series of masturbation fantasies that keep him warm at night when the newspapers stuffed in his coat cannot. Midnight in Paris Porn Title: Dick Tight in Pair of Tits Synopsis: Gil Bendher is an on-therise adult film star known for his ejaculatory prowess. He attempts to escape the temptations of fortune and fame in America by traveling across the pond to Paris, France. While there, Bendher accidentally enters a time-warp that brings him to the 1890s. Horny and alone, he quickly seduces a woman, but finds hygiene in the period wildly offensive. This epiphany allows him to see through the bushes, as he come to terms with his loads of fame, and being violently thrust into the spotlight.
Moneyball Porn Title: Moneyballs Synopsis: Billy Beanflicker thought he was living the dream. A male pornstar by 20, he retired at 24 after a freak accident left his boner permanently misshapen. He took a job as the Production Manager for the Cokeland V’s, a lesbian production company based out of northern California. Wary of the sky-high budgets of rival porn companies based out of L.A., Beanflicker assembles a rag-tag group of lipstick lesbos, turning a profit by filming them doing some of the most degrading things the creamscreen has ever seen. The Tree of Life Porn Title: The Skeet of Life Synopsis: Widely considered a pornographic opus fresh from the mind of adult film legend Terrence Paldick, The Skeet of Life dares to ask the question, “Are we all nothing more than man yogurt?” Paldick ruminates on this theme through a series of vignettes starring classically-trained adult actors Sean Pennis, Harry Oldmanballs and George C. Cock massaging their members to climax in ultraslow motion. Run time: 6 hours. War Horse Porn Title: War Whores Synopsis: Opening at the dawn of WWI, War Whores features screen legend Mata Whori as a proprietor of a small brothel in west France. Hell-bent on helping her country defeat the German menace, Whori uses her womanly wares, seducing young opposition officers, and arousing feelings of resentment (and boners) in anyone who willfully calls the evil Kaiser Drillthem II their Emperor.
Ben Kweller - Go Fly a Kite Air- Le Voyage Dans La Lune
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Bartender of the Issue Anthony Guarcello flanagan’s What’s your least favorite question to be asked while bartending?: What type of beer do you have on draft? They’re literally right in front of your fucking face What’s your favorite part of your job? Being able to throw bottles and slang dranks like a boss Who taught you how to flair? Aaron Pierce. He was raised by mimes. Funny, but not a joke In doing so, how many bottles do you break on average per night? Four
drinking game:
deal or no deal Since we’re all in the Valentine’s Day spirit, The Black Sheep thought it would be great to play a little game that exposes all of the nasty sexual fantasies that you and your boy/ girlfriend have played out. What You’ll Need: A blank deck of cards (or just cut up pieces of paper, you cheap bastard), shot glasses, and any form of liquor. May we suggest Fruit Punch Burnett’s? It’s red! Like V-day! Number of Players: The more the merrier! And the more opportunity for all of your friends to reveal some things that you may or may not have wanted to know. Level of Intoxication: Depending on how slutty the people you hang out with are, well, things can get pretty shitty. How to Play: - Have everyone think of the most crude and disturbing sexual performances that they can possibly wrap their perverted minds around and write them on the cards. Try to think of at least 20. - Each person picks a card one at a time. - Read the card aloud. For example, “Ate donuts off of my boyfriend’s butt with my hands tied behind my back.” If you have done the act described on the card, you must take a shot. -Depending on the severity of the card, the group can up-vote it to two shots. Things like “juggled balls” obviously only get one shot, but something like, “Performed the Alaskan Pipeline on my girlfriend,” definitely should be up-voted to two. Maybe even three. Look it up. - Keep tally of how many shots each person has taken. -At the end of the game, the person who has taken the most shots is not only is the drunkest, but also has to let everyone slap him or her on the bare ass with a leather belt. NOTE: The point of this game is to get drunk and admit some weird things for the love of St. Valentine. If you lie about what you have (or haven’t) done, then you will be punished. Some way, somehow, by a higher power. The Game Ends When: You’ve run out of cards and everyone is thoroughly humiliated and strangely turned on.
If you could be a girl for a day what’s the first thing you’d do? Marry rich, obviously Who can hold their liquor better blondes or brunettes? Blondes Toppers is looking for dancers, have you ever considered stripping? I was actually on a stripper pole last night and have given many lapdances What would your stripper name be? Elizabeth Maguire Who is your man crush? Logan Knebels. Facebook him.
recipe for disaster:
Hummus
A Middle Eastern classic— hummus makes a great, fresh-tasting appetizer and lunch, or a light healthy snack any time of day. Also, it has been scientifically proven that the only way to beat the terrorists is to steal their yummy, delicious food-snacks (I swear I’m not a racist, just a bigot). Pick a side, dammit, we’re at war. What You’ll Need: Chickpeas, oil, garlic, lemon juice, salt, pita bread and a blender. Cook Time: About 5 minutes. Fatty Factor: This shit is so healthy you might lose calories eating it. Let’s Get Baked: - Place plenty of chickpeas in the blender. We’re not going for scientific measurements here, just classic guesstimation. - Pour oil into blender; again, use your best judgment. - Put garlic into blender – either enough to kill a vampire or barely enough to qualify as an ingredient, (all depends on how much you like or dislike garlic). - Pour lemon juice into blender. - Add salt as necessary. - Blend on high speed until you see that it is smooth and creamy (gross). - If necessary, stop blender to scrape the sides. - Spoon into a serving dish. - Scoop into your face with pita bread. - Drape yourself in your American flag and get ready to start your day. Congratulations, if you have made it this far, you are officially an American hero. Your medal is on its way; please allow 3-4 business days for delivery.
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The Black Sheep’s Guide to Republican Right-Wing Conservatives georgia staff wrote this 2012 is supposed to be a pretty big year, right? I mean, I graduate, the world ends for the 17th time, Kristen Wiig is nominated for an Oscar, but most importantly, old, white guys everywhere either get to extend their complaints about the current president for another four years, or if we’re all lucky – we get a new name to pretend we care about until 2016. With the Democratic nomination pretty much sealed (it’s a black guy and he’s already president – you try and beat that), we at The Black Sheep thought it might be important to inform you of the opposing party: The Republicans. These rich, graying men are doing everything they can to secure their spot in the race to the White House. So, if you’re blaming your lack of knowledge about the presidential race on the Wikipedia blackout, look no further. We have your guide to the candidates of the GOP. Mitt Romney: This guy is basically the McDreamy of the Republican Party. He has beautiful, tan skin, dark eyes, and grey sideburns. He can definitely interrupt Grey’s Anatomy anytime he wants to address the state of my union. But, like John Kerry in 2004, this guy doesn’t know how to stay true to his beliefs. The only difference between Mitt Romney and a statue of Mitt Romney is that the statue never changes positions. Why a Conservative will say he’s voting for him: He’s a Mormon. Diversity is good. Why a Conservative really won’t vote for him: He’s a Mormon. Diversity is bad.
Newt Gingrich: If you had any leaning whatsoever toward voting for this guy, just Google “Newt Gingrich + concentration camp” and click on the first image that pops up. If you see a smirking moron standing in front of a historical site known for murdering innocent people, congratulations, you now hate this man. But that’s not all… He also wants to build a double fence along the US/Mexico border. So if you hate foreigners too, Newt’s your guy. Favorite show on TV: Bad Girls Club. What he looks like: The Troll in Central Park all grown up. Ron Paul: I’m pretty sure he can recall what happened the day Mr. Rogers passed away better than what he ate for dinner last night. This guy hasn’t found Alzheimer’s yet, but he’s in the right aisle in the supermarket. Ron Paul is also known for his extreme right-wing views. He held the record for most conservative voting in Congress from 1937 until 2002. But no matter how awesome Ron really is, he still quit being a doctor to go into politics. No thanks. The only reason anyone below 48 will vote for him: He wants to legalize marijuana. Bottom line: The man was running for president before most of us were even born. That’s creepy. Rick Santorum: Two words: Urban Dictionary. The slang definition of a “Rick Santorum” is too graphic to even publish, so that should tell you something about the man. Look it up, and we’ll just leave it at that. This Just In: Former Fox News correspondent. Will most likely fear monger his way through the candidacy. Don’t be fooled by: That Urban Dictionary claim-to-fame. He’s not really down with the gays.
So there you have it, fellow Americans, your introductory guide to the Republican candidates for the 2012 election. Now get out there, get educated, and anxiously wait for 9 months until you can watch TV in peace and go back to not giving a shit about politics.
seek and find
Do you think you can find all this shit in that little fancy room? It ain’t your mama’s messy dorm room, so good luck, bro.
Send us an email at games@theblacksheeponline.com showing us or telling us where everything is, and we may just give you some lovin’.
the crossword: animal mascots
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Down answers >> The mascot for this insurance company got his degree from Oregon. 2 A grrrrrreat way to give your children type 2 diabetes (3 Words) Choo Express 3 80's dog shilling BudChoo Light, Grilled Teriyaki Teppan House Johnnys Pizza Mirko Pasta Your Pie Walkers Coffee Shop & Pub Maba Grille totally makes sense. (2 Words) Josie Rabbitt Genco Import Company The Pub at Gameday Nona’s Sweet Peppers Deli 4 Riley A beer drink Wuxtry Records Cutter’s Pub East West Ted’s Most Best Humes mascot that can The Grill Sandbar Blue Sky Towne Club like a horse. Christine Kottis Five Star Day Cafe Buddha Bar The Globe 909/West broad 5 A fabric softener bear, aptly Jittery Joes Roadhouse Roadhouse Lakeside campus director Starbucks The Winery Capital Room Polo Club called this. Daughter The Volstead The Winery The Retreat 7Brendan ThisBonham Linux penguin isJunkmans dressed for Transmet Bar Code Flannigan’s The Station a formal event. Max Canada Speak Easy Tapas & Bar Jack’s Bar River Mill Founders The Mad Hatter Tan Company Little Italy The Lodge 8EthanHe's a tired mascot, but not as Cunningham Amicis Little Caesars Fahrenheit The Reserve tired as those damn cavemen. Barberitos (dt) Nowhere Bar Volstead The Summit Suzanne Durden Beef Moonshine Bar Bulldawg Pizza The Exchange 9 Atish This tall toy pusher canAl’s reach Doshi Mellow Mushroom Silver Dollar Blind Pig Abbey West theBonham top shelf of the Legos. Brendan Chango’s On the Rocks Downtowner The Woodlands Heather-Jo Erickson shitting my pants. Pita Pit (3 All Good Lounge Hangover ALL GREEK HOUSES, 10 Yo quiero Yoguri Boar’s Head Lounge Jerzees Sports Bar STREET TEAMS, MORE! Jimmy DeBlasio Words) Jessica Sommers 14 How many licks does it take him to get to the center of your Questions? mom? (2 Words) The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is info@theblacksheeponline.com 15 These animals hawked a for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. designed 3-syllable beer. Please drink...responsibly and legally. Advertising? 1
Meet The Staff!
marketing/distribution team Brittney Johnson Sierra Moore Stephanie Mannheimer Anna Melnik Writers Alexandra Rose Sarah Everett Tess Gilbert
DOWN: 1) The mascot for this insurance company got his degree from Oregon. 2) A grrrrreat way to give your children type 2 diabetes. (3 words) 3) 80’s dog shilling Bud Light totally makes sense. (2 words) 4) A beer mascot that can drink like a horse. 5) A fabric softener bear, aptly called this. 7) This Linux penguin is dressed for a formal event. 8) He’s a tired mascot, but not as tired as those damn cavemen. 9) This tall toy pusher can reach the top shelf of the Legos. 10) Yo quiero shitting in my pants. (3 words) 14) How many licks does it take him to get to the center of your mom? (2 words) 15) These animals hawked a 3-syllable beer.
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cross he "Always Sunny" wild card ould enjoy this chicken of e sea. (2 Words) rainbow-beaked sugar high aiting to happen. (2 Words) an he get hump cancer? (2 ords) hen it humps, it just keeps campus manager oing and going and going. (2 Ethan Cunningham ords) hn Wayne nicknamed dog Advertising Manager Abby Smith ves baked beans. heir Coca-ColaMegan willThompson surely be Suzanne Durden ld. (2 Words) e's addicted editorial to Smack(s). (2 Manager ords) Ali Misner
words) 18) He’s addicted to Smack(s). (2 words)
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Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
Owned & Operated By: Black Card Media, LLC P.O. Box 221385 Chicago, IL 60622 217.390.1747
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across: 6) The Always Sunny wild card would enjoy this chicken of the sea. (2 words) 11) A rainbow-bleaked sugar high waiting to happen. (2 words) 12) Can he get hump cancer? (2 words) 13) When it humps, it just keeps going and going and going. (2 words) 16) John Wayne nicknamed dog loves baked beans. 17) Their Coca-Cola will surely be cold. (2 A F 2 3 L T S 4 5 A C O P S 7 6 C H A R L I E T U N A U N 8 Y U Y G D U D X T E S G E H C M G N S A M E K A L 12 D T J O E C A M E L A I K L G E N E R G I Z E R B U N N Y R Z 14 15 M I F 17 U K E P O L A R B E A R O O W G L S
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the clues Across 6 The "Always Sunny" wild card would enjoy this chicken of the sea. (2 Words) 11 A rainbow-beaked sugar high waiting to happen. (2 Words) 12 Can he get hump cancer? (2 Words) 13 When it humps, it just keeps going and going and going. (2 Words) 16 John Wayne nicknamed dog loves baked beans. 17 Their Coca-Cola will surely be cold. (2 Words) 18 He's addicted to Smack(s). (2 Words)
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Down 1 The mascot for this insurance company got his degree from Oregon. 2 A grrrrrreat way to give your children type 2 diabetes (3 Words) 3 80's dog shilling Bud Light, totally makes sense. (2 Words) 4 A beer mascot that can drink like a horse. 5 A fabric softener bear, aptly called this. 7 This Linux penguin is dressed for a formal event. 8 He's a tired mascot, but not as tired as those damn cavemen. 9 This tall toy pusher can reach the top shelf of the Legos. 10 Yo quiero shitting my pants. (3 Words) 14 How many licks does it take him to get to the center of your mom? (2 Words) 15 These animals hawked a 3-syllable beer.
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