Volume 19, Issue 10 — 10/19/11 - 10/26/11 — www.theblacksheeponline.com
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The New New New Ron Zook Chronicles, Volume III
brendan wrote this
While the Fighting Illini are still in the midst of a tremendous season, last week’s 7-17 defeat at the hands of Ohio State spread some serious frowns around town. This week we caught up with Illinois coach Ron Zook to discuss the game. The Black Sheep: Hey Ron, long time no see. Ron Zook: Yeah, where the hell were you when we were undefeated? TBS: Um, doing other things. Ron: Uh huh. (Awkward silence) TBS: Anyway, congrats on the great season so far. Ron: Yeah, yeah. TBS: Really, it’s great, the Illini are bowl-eligible, with only a few really difficult games left. You’ve done a great job this year. Ron: But… TBS: But what? Ron: What’s the catch? TBS: No catch, swearsies! Ron: So what do you want to talk about? TBS: Nothing important, really. Can…can you just read this? (Hands Ron Zook a sheet of computer paper) Ron: All of it? TBS: Just the highlighted part. Ron: Okay, “…With a little more than a minute left and the Illini down…” (Pauses) Ron: There’s some weird symbols there, then it continues, “Illinois coach Ron Zook elected to attempt to score a touchdown, as opposed to kicking a field goal on…”
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(Pauses) Ron: There’s some more of the weird symbols there, it’s not the wingdings font, ole’ Ronnie’s sure of that. Did you print this out in the USSR or something? TBS: Those symbols are numbers, Ron. Ron: Num-bers? TBS: Yeah, numbers. Ron: What the hell are numbers? TBS: I KNEW IT! Ron: Knew what? TBS: Coach, how old are you? Ron: What do you mean? TBS: What is your age? Ron: Well, I’m many moons old. Many springs ago the Great Stork arrived in my small Ohio village. He blessed my parents with the man who stands before you today. TBS: How much does the University of Illinois pay you each year? Ron: However much comes in the bag of money they give me at the end of the year. Many. They pay me many. TBS: Jesus. Okay, how many games have the Illini won this year? Ron: Well, the season began with us winning won, which seemed pretty redundant to me. Then against South Dakota State we won to, but I didn’t really know where we were going to after the game. I thought we won to go to Arby’s, but no one showed up. I blacked out during the Arizona State game, then we won for against Western Michigan, but I don’t know what we won for, to be honest. Pride I guess. Since then things have been pretty fuzzy for ole’ Ronnie. TBS: Are you serious?
06: How To Outcreep Potential Creepers And you don’t even have to carry around a hair doll made of pubes the whole time!
Ron: To be frank, I don’t even know where I am right now. TBS: How many fingers does an average person have? Ron: (Holds up his fingers) This many. TBS: And how many is that? Ron: A lot. TBS: It’s ten, Ron. You have ten fingers. Ron: What is “ten?” TBS: TEN IS A NUMBER. Ron: Okay, I’ll admit, you lost me. What are these “numbers” again? TBS: Think about it this way, you use a phone number to call your recruits. Ron: Okay. I think I follow you. TBS: And when recruits call you, what phone number do you have them dial? Ron: I just hand them a business card with a bunch of squiggles on it. I dunno, an assistant made it for me. TBS: So why again did you choose to go for a touchdown on 4th and three, two scores down, late in the game? Ron: Are you talkin’ the Spanish or something? I only know a few words. Donde esta la biblioteca? TBS: No, those are actual numbers. God. Why did you throw the ball before the officials took the ball away from you at the end of the game? Ron: ‘Cuz kickin’ is for pussies… TBS: Well, yeah. Ron: And the Fighting Illini ain’t no pussies! TBS: Right. Ron: Woo! Woo! We ain’t no pussies! WOO! BLOW ME BOILERMAKERS, GO ILLINI!
09: Meeting an Engineering TA
What’s life like on the other side of the classroom?
18: top 10 Ways to Land A Job at Career Fair drop some names or drop your pants, you pick
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P5: The Evolution of The Talk Listen reader, we need to have a talk about having a talk.
contents 21 05
18
P7: Angel Grove: City of Adventures Bored of life in Champaign? Head on out to California for a wild time!
P16 Recipe for Disaster: Nacharido Nothing says obesity like Americanized Mexican food. P17: Alcohol Review: Pinnacle Marshmallow It’s like drinking the blood of the Stay-Puft Man.
P8: We Are The Kids Our Parents P18: Steve Who? Warned Us About The spotlight shines on a new, Hey, 10-year-old me, want some old friend. meth? P19: Inside Look at Whitney P9: From the Streets We get a sneak peak at how If you could make up a frat or they make TV’s next great sorority, what would you name sitcom ::fart joke::!!! it? P20: Movie Review: The Thing P10: Hello, Coen Brothers! Thing is, this The Thing isn’t like Why these movie making that The Thing. legends are visiting ChampaignUrbana! P21: The (Hopeful) Death of Popular Music P16: Bartenders of the Week Six artists we hope we don’t Maybe you’ll have a shot at see around anymore. these shot-pouring shooters. P22: The Riddle Can you solve P16: Drinking Game: Teeth this riddle? We're guessing no. You’ll need a few during any movie about vagina dentata.
Meet The Staff! Managing Editor Carly Kamp copy Editor Mike Benson Advertising Manager Michelle Lenzen distribution Manager Mike Zevin Chris Bandemier Contributing Writers John Estep | John McCombs Phil Azar| Ken Halvachs Mandy Cleves | Grace Haka Hannah Johnson| Michelle Lenzen Michael Byrnes| Corey Gusstini Caitlin Chrzanowski | Katelyn Lilly Sarah Langer cartoonist Alexandra Joyce
pr manager Anastasia Guletsky Abbie Welch photographer Caitlin Chrzanowski campus director Brendan Bonham owner Atish Doshi Founders Atish Doshi & Derek Chin Questions?
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BE A KID, FOR THE KIDS Illini Summer Opportunity Organization Saturday, October 22, 12-4pm | Behind 6th street lawn & BIF/Huff Dodgeball, Inflatable, Music, Games, Prizes! Tickets $10 Tickets: Get them on the Quad 9am-4pm (cash or credit)
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Letter from the editor Dear Carl, Would you rather have nipples the size of saucers or no nipples at all? Cordially, Peter Dear Perver, You get some sick pleasure thinking about my nipples, don’t you? Either way – the answer here is obvious: no nipples at all. Nipples the size of saucers are all over the world already (see Kim Kardashian’s silver-painted body). Just imagine how disgusting those things would be if they ever started lactating – blech – I don’t know why, but for whatever reason I imagine the lactation would be pasty thick instead of liquidy cream. Anyway, no nipples is way better because you can always get pretend nipples tattooed on. Or you could go a more fun route with it and get fun things tattooed on instead, like ears or Bill Cosby’s face. Much more places you can go with no nipples. Now for your enjoyment, here is a short list of things that are roughly the size of my nipples: silver dollar, balls of cookie dough rolled up to be cooked, an appropriatelysized peacoat button, an aerial view of an egg, the base of a desk art mannequin and the cap to a military regulation canteen. Cheers, Carl Email your questions to carly@theblacksheeponline.com
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Word of the week Iridecent:
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Definition: A person whose attractiveness changes based on the angle at which they are viewed. Sentence: “Dave was iridecent; from the front Jeanie really wanted to bang him, but when she saw him from the side, his
face looked like a bird’s."
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The Evolution of “The Talk”
and the u
ultimate superiority. He held on to his secret wisdom and refused to tell anyone what he knew because it made him better. All he would tell anyone about his newfound confidence is that his parents finally gave him “The Talk.” With that simple moment, these two seemingly simple words became more powerful than "I do."
As we have grown through our lives, “The Talk” has grown with us. Just think back to when you were a kid and someone said they got “The Talk” and how those words made you feel. Not the same as today, right? A Child’s Understanding: Remember the first kid in the fifth grade who learned about sex? No, not because of your creepy teacher – because his parents gave him “The Talk.” He went to school and walked in with a sense of
A Young Adult’s Comprehension: You’ve passed puberty with flying colors and have found yourself in a relationship – Lord only knows how – and your significant other has told you that you need to have “A Talk.” Don’t be fooled by the change in article use — this is the same heavily-weighted phrase you’ve heard all your life but with new meaning. In this instance you are about to be dumped (or in a very, very small percentage you’re about to have a threesome). Anyone around our age will tell you the phrase, “We need to have a talk,” can be six devastating words when used in that combination – “The Talk” strikes again! Had it been, “We need to have a conversation” you would be absolutely safe. There’s a reason people use the dreaded T-word; because we all know of its power. An Adult’s Perception: Unless you’re ready to spend the next eighteen years of your life miserable, underappreciated, and under slept, you should run if you ever
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Carles Barkley wrote this
hear your husband or wife start a sentence with “I think we should Talk.” That bitch is pregnant! Or that bastard wants to get you pregnant! This person thinks the next step in his or her life is a baby step, which is never cute or awesome. An Elderly’s Insight: When one old person says to another person, “Typewriters confuse me, and we should talk,” really there is something beautiful going on. They are having the ultimate talk. These two old people are discussing the art of pulling-the-cord. The absolute Talk, there is no Talk greater than "The Talk" of cord-pulling. These two old, old people are about to sit down over a glass of prune juice and speak of the sacredity of the necessary means of ending one another’s life when that time comes. I can hardly type this paragraph as I have moved myself to pathetic heaving sobs of sadness. And as such the evolution of The Talk will never truly be complete. Its elusive behavior will ever be finding new ways to squeeze its way into our conversations in all new shapes and forms. Perhaps one day it will mean a conversation about poverty in third world countries and the discovery of the long-awaited solution for it; or perhaps it will mean that a conversation concerning an imminent blumpkin is approaching.
how to: outcreep potential creepsters
slang wrote this
Creepers are an expanding race of people, usually men, who target innocent women and creep them out (hence the name “creeper”). A creeper can come in all shapes and sizes. He might be your local frat star, or he might have a combover and wear loafers. Hell, he might even have a Ron Jeremy mustache. He thinks he looks awesome, but he really just looks like a child molester. These men are not discouraged by the same lines normal men are. Saying you have a boyfriend won’t get him to leave you alone. Saying you’re a lesbian is out too, because now all he wants is a threesome with you and your lesbian lover. There’s really only one way to get a creeper to leave you alone: Out-creep him. Pick your nose Take a trip back to your youth and dig for gold for a little while. Even creepers won’t be down with nose pickers. On the off chance you find some screwed up guy that doesn’t mind this, take it up a notch. Pick your nose and rub it on his person, or pick your nose and eat it. The last thing anybody wants is to have another human being’s boogers anywhere near him. He’s definitely going to leave you alone after this, but his cute friends probably will too. Claim to be a hermaphrodite Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but if a creeper hears you say this, he’s going to head right for another girl. Any guy creeping on poor innocent girls is looking for a very distinct kind of action, and that action doesn’t include ambiguous genitalia. Not only will he stop talking to you, he will forever avoid your glance at parties and bars. tell him you slept with a.j. jenkins This one may seem out of the, uh, box, but think about it. Jenkins is a beast on the field, so initially all guys will be intrigued, even impressed at your sexual feats. But then they will start to think about it, and slowly... slowly...they will realize that they can never compare to Jenkins. Everytime they see him beat defenders for another touchdown, his celebration dance might as well be aimed right at the creep, simply saying, "Do you think you compare to this." And no, that creeper will not compare and will gladly walk away. Fart as loud as you can Girls, I’m going to own up to the public. We all fart. Even the prettiest girl you know rips a huge one sometimes, but most guys like to ignore that fact. Ladies, this means in order
to get your creeper to leave you alone, you need to fart, and do it with style. Kick that leg up and wink at him as you rip ass. Better yet, after you fart, pretend to smell it, feel free to even waft it towards you. There’s nothing sexier than a girl who loves the smell of her own brand, right? Wrong. Even a creeper won’t want to jump into bed with you after that. Tell him your herpes is flaring up Seriously, nobody wants to risk herpes just to have sex with you. Say it like you’re a little insecure about it to make it believable. Maybe shed a single tear, and tell him you wish things were different. No matter what you do, after you tell this guy you have herpes he’s sure to fake some sympathy and leave. He might say he has to go to the bathroom, but believe me, he isn’t coming back. The only way this could backfire is if he gets really excited because he has the herp too, so beware.
t a E e i t g a h t D y e E h t i g k ht! o o B NOW TAKING RESERVATIONS FOR FRATERNITY/SORORITY EXCHANGES, FORMALS AND SEMIFORMALS, WEDDING RECEPTIONS, HOLIDAY PARTIES AND MORE!
Tell him about your incest escapades You should say your last boyfriend was a family member. Mention that you were sleeping with your brother, but then your family found out, got really pissed off, and put an end to the love affair. Can you think of anything that would throw up a red flag more than a guy who’s dated his sister? Probably not. It works the same way with men. If you’ve been into anybody who shares DNA with you, this creeper is going to run away and never look back. Vomit on him This one is your absolute last resort, ladies. You’re probably thinking, “But Sarah, that’s way too obvious.” It is, and that’s exactly the point. Look him straight in the eyes, smile at him, and stick your fingers down your throat. Don’t break eye contact, and smile for as long as you can. For starters, you look really creepy doing this. And let’s not forget the fact that you’ve just vomited all over his Ed Hardy t-shirt. In this creeper’s eyes, you’ve become pond scum, and he’ll deem you unworthy of talking to. Bonus points for you because you’ve ruined his night, and you don’t even need to go to the gym tomorrow. The next time that creepy guy with a Ron Jeremy ‘stache is approaching you with a look of lust in his eyes, stand your ground, and get ready to beat him at his own game. Use any of these methods, and no creeper is going to want to be within a five foot radius of you. And he sure as hell isn’t going to want to sleep with you, either.
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Angel Grove: City of Adventure Ken Doll wrote this
Tired of the same day-to-day drab? Interested in non-stop action and danger around every corner? Do you find the idea of certain death appealing or exciting? If you answered “yes” to one or all of these questions, then take a trip out to Angel Grove, California, home of the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. The city of Angel Grove faces more disasters in one week than the Chicago Cubs managing staff and Charlie Sheen’s acting career see in ten years combined. Sure, you could look at the negatives: the constant earthquakes, attacks from gigantic monsters, evil plots by mutants ranging from devouring the world’s food supply to turning the world’s parents into mindless drones. But here at Angel Grove, we try our best to focus on the positives. For instance, we like to celebrate the gigantic robotic protectors that lie beneath our great city. Sure, they accidentally fall on our buildings sometimes. And yes, replacing the warehouses destroyed by the robotic dragon’s tail drilling attack is really expensive. However, these battles are instant entertainment. Instead of dwelling on the gaping tremors that the Zords leave or the volcanic eruption that they cause whenever they come together, we focus on how awesome they look as they defeat their foes with a giant sword that falls from the sky. Sure, the Power Rangers’ greatest form of protection also puts the city at dire risk and often results in countless deaths, but we have never deemed the city in enough danger to declare an evacuation. We must be safe enough, right? Speaking of countless deaths, Angel Grove’s banks have recently come into possession of many available homes for rent and purchase to make your stay in the city of adventure feel just as comfortable as it does exciting. If you need to get away from the thrills the city has to offer, take a break over at Ernie’s Juice Bar. Grab yourself a refreshment and take part in one of the many events that the bar has to offer, including: karate tournaments, gymnastic competitions, science fairs, charity dinners, and many other school functions
which it has inexplicably taken on despite the high school having a fully functional gymnasium. Angel Grove High also has a fantastic education system. They still accept students who have clearly outgrown their teens by several years and tend to turn a blind eye towards fighting and bullying on the school grounds. All a part of the city’s attempt to make sure that their students are tough enough to face the challenges that the evils of the universe have to offer. Come to the city’s numerous carnivals and celebrations, in which the Power Rangers are generally guests of honor. These gatherings are never without excitement, as most of them result in attacks from Putties and kidnappings, turning the regular Angel Grove Homecoming into a day of fun-filled action and adventure as the Power Rangers use their talents to save the city from near destruction day after day. If these get-togethers aren’t enough, you could try some of the city’s various thrill-seeking activities that it has to offer, including: sky-diving, skiing, water activities in a lake that is somehow filled with sharks, and many more! Whether being assaulted by giant monsters or playing football in Angel Grove’s park, the city offers excitement for the entire family. Book a flight, ride a train, or take a bus, just get to the city of Angel Grove and get ready for the chaos… I mean fun, to commence. (Warning: it is not suggested that you bring children under the age of twelve, as they are frequently targets for kidnappings and assaults. Furthermore the city of Angel Grove is in no way responsible for any harm that may arrive to you or your family during your stay. There is no guarantee that the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers will be present to save your lives in the case of an alien attack. This being said, they usually do. Go, go, Power Rangers.)
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We Are the Kids that Parents Warn Their Kids About Mike, Ben’s Son! wrote this If that drunken, womanizing fiend named Jimmy Buffet has ever had something close to a sober thought in his career, it was when he prophetically coined the line, “We are the people our parents warned us about.” Honestly, it is weird to think that Buffet was ever able to write a song that wasn’t about the overconsumption of a food or drink. But in this 1983 classic, the nautical bastard actually makes a valid point: When parents warn their kids about bad people, they’re warning their kids about us. Now, it is important to remember that when Jimmy Buffet says that he's the person that his parents warned him about, it’s referring to the fact that he is a drunk old man with a mustache who hangs around dockside bars all day. That’s the kind of person a parent should absolutely warn their kids about. But there are also those other people that our parents warned us about. I’m of course talking about those dangerous kids. Those pot smoking, disrespectful, vandalizing punks. Remember those kids you used to hear about? They’re us. I have vivid memories of grade school when Officer Friendly would come in and warn us about becoming one of these bad kids. At first we got the usual lessons of avoiding alcohol and saying “no” when somebody offered us drugs. Looking back on it, that’s a bad lesson. If somebody is willing to give you free drugs just for being an awesome guy, why not take them? You don’t have to do them; you could sell them for 100% profit! As we got older, though, the lessons began to get more specific. Instead of just saying “no” to drugs, we eventually started learning about the atrocities each individual drug will do to your body. “Ecstasy blows holes in your brain! And the first time you do meth you will be hooked for life!” From personal experience, I can tell you that you do not get hooked to meth after one hit, it takes at least three or four times. Ecstasy actually does blow holes in your mind, but it feels fucking awesome. Some of those intense drug and alcohol PSA’s were actually pretty scary, but that’s only because I was stoned when we watched them. These drug seminars, along with the entirety of the fantastic “sexual abstinence” program, helped us only to develop a schema for what it means to be a badass. Sure, when you were younger you were admittedly pretty scared of those teenagers with their tattoos, piercings, Tool shirts, and, God forbid, skateboards. However, as afraid as we were, there was always a feeling of wonder when we saw these grungy kids traveling in their menacing packs. We knew
they were doing drugs and having fun in ways we could never understand, but we were simply too young and intimidated. And then came high school. By the time we hit high school, the whole “grungy, long-haired cool guy” image had gone the way of tape decks. Now those kids who grew their hair out and did drugs were seen as weirdos who were most likely involved in tech crew. The danger element was gone. It’s at around sophomore year that kids start experimenting with alcohol in basements. By senior year, everybody’s getting belligerent at the homecoming game. It happens slowly over time. Somewhere in the blur of high school pot is first tried, quickly becoming a regular in the recreation arsenal. Once you get to college you get a burst of freedom and experience a strong desire for selfexpression. You’ll grow your hair out a bit; buy some cool old jacket at Goodwill, one that Neil Young might wear. You already drink all the time, so you might as well try some molly or acid. And then there you are. You will look in the mirror and realize that the person staring back at you is the same person from all of those drug PSAs. You’re the kid who shot his friend with his dad’s six-shooter after getting high; you’re the kid who got de-hydrated after doing some ex and died in the middle of the prom dance floor; you’re the kid who your mom has locked herself in the bathroom to hide from. This is the face you will see... Along with an extremely vivid hallucination of Spongebob coming at you with a pickaxe. It might be time to take a break from that stuff... for the night.
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From 'da Streets
Meet an Engineering TA
Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com!
"If you could make up a fake frat or sorority what would it be named??
Hannah Johnson wrote this Every professor on campus has a Teaching Assistant behind the scenes to help them accomplish day-to-day tasks, ranging from grading papers, keeping their elderly grandma company, and killing spiders around the house. I took it upon myself to do some investigative reporting to try and find out the real story of one of these TAs on campus. After going through my selection process I decided to interview someone within the College of Engineering, due to their reputations for great senses of humor and crazy lifestyles. I sat down with a TA this past week in Everitt Lab in hopes to gain a further knowledge of what the life of an engineering TA is really like but this is what I got instead. The Black Sheep: Let’s start the interview with your name and major. TA: What newspaper is this for? The Black Sheep? In that case my name is Sigma and I major in Awesome Theory! TBS: Why can’t we use your real name? Too worried a future employer will find this article on the internet later in life? And you know we already know you’re in engineering right? TA: No comment. TBS: Okay let’s move on. What does being an engineering TA mean to you? TA: I would say that it means making myself feel better by hearing all my students ask me dumbass questions. For instance, this kid asked me whether you are supposed to square the deviant of a hyperbolic reaction or cube it. Can you believe that? TBS: If you think engineering students have stupid questions, then I don’t want to know what you think of mine. Out of curiosity though, what is the stupidest thing a student has ever asked you? TA: Poop. So many. I would just say a universal lack of reading instructions. Advice to students out there: Read the F’ing directions! That really grinds my abacus. TBS: What would you say is a misconception about engineering TAs? TA: That we are only Asian and Indian - only 99% are Asian or Indian. TBS: Remarkable statistic. At what age did you know you wanted to become a TA? TA:Negative 8.5 months. I was in the pre-fetus stage dreaming of a life of coffee addictions, tweed jackets, and embedded microcontrollers. TBS: I don’t know what that means. You seem pretty smart, though. How much money do you think you should be making an hour for being a TA? TA: Billions upon billions of dollars an hour to pay for the psychologist I will need later in life to forget about these dumb students. Those kids are denser than a set of irrationals! TBS: Geez you must have some terrible students. What weapon would you use on your students if you caught them cheating and abuse in schools was legal? TA: After choking them with my maroon turtleneck I would make them solve a difficult square entropy constant with only a TI-81! TBS: I would assume sitting through an engineering lec-
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ture would be punishment enough, but whatever works I guess. What would you say is the highlight of a TA’s career? TA: Definitely proctoring an exam. On a scale of watching a low viscosity film run down a plain to witnessing the entire lifecycle of a distant nanostar, proctoring an exam is like watching grass grow. Assuming that the grass is weed and worth waiting. Hey, physicists like, like pot too, why do you think we are so into outer space? TBS: You lost me. What is the square root of 4,761? You have five seconds. TA: How should I round thTBS: Too late, the answer is 69, which brings me to my next question. How much do you like the professor? TA: She is a god amongst humanoids. TBS: At 69? No? Okay nevermind. What could students give you to earn some extra credit? World of Warcraft gold? TA: Warcraft? Don’t make me laugh! Starcraft minerals would be sufficient. TBS: How many women have you picked up in your new title? I mean women must be throwing themselves at you because you’re an engineering TA. TA: Even though we are the most popular guys on campus, I haven’t picked up any women because I am dedicated to my one and only. TBS: [tearing up] That is so sweet. Just give me a second [crying hysterically by this point]. What’s her name? TA: Neil deGrasse Tyson. TBS: Okay, let’s move on. Do you talk in binary to other TA’s in your major? TA: 010110010110010101110011. That means yes. TBS: Impressive. Have you ever given a C++ to any of your students just to be a smartass? TA: While that would be funny, it wouldn’t make sense. C++? Inconceivable! TBS: Good point. Well this interview has come to a close. Any last advice for other TA’s out there? TA: Some days you’re the neutron, and some days you’re the spallation source. TBS: Insightful.
" 010110010110010101110011. That means yes."
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SHOUT OUTS!
Directors Think Champaign-Urbana Would Make the Perfect Setting in New Film Corey Guastini wrote this Acclaimed directors Joel and Ethan Coen visited Champaign-Urbana with the intent of finding the backdrop for their latest film. Excited that their proud home would get the national attention it deserves, officials from both towns gave the Coen brothers a tour of the area. The true nature of the Coen brothers’ desire to feature the town in the movie became clear, however, as they kept murmuring phrases like, “Perfect, this place is absolutely defeating,” and, “Oh wow, the sadness penetrates deeper than I thought. Fantastic,” throughout the tour. After the honorary guides showed the brothers downtown Champaign, the highlight of the area, the directors responded with, “Enough with the rundown sections of town, show us the gem of the city.” Deflated, the group asked the brothers what their intentions for using Champaign-Urbana were. They explained that the film was entitled City of Lost Souls and aimed to portray the crushing reality of spending a forgotten life in a small town, “Just like ChampaignUrbana.” They said, “The city itself is the main character, you see? No matter how hard it tries, it can’t remove the underlying desperation infecting every corner of real estate. The town is relentless as it consumes soul after soul of its inhabitants. The movie will be very dynamic and compelling. You’ll love it.” Before Champaign-Urbana, the Coen brothers had visited numerous cities throughout the Midwest. According to the brothers, Champaign-Urbana possessed a quality the other cities lacked. “Driving toward those other towns was a fascinating experience. From the austere landscape surrounding the city emerged an oasis of activity like a phoenix rising from the ashes. In the middle of nothingness was a scene of hustle and bustle. Driving south down 57 toward Champaign offered a completely different experience. Champaign-Urbana manages to be even more lifeless than the fields of dirt surrounding it. That rare trait will take this film to the next level.” The farms of the area were an attractive quality in and of themselves. One in particular caught Joel Coen’s eye.
He said the kitchen of the farmhouse would be perfect for the scene in which an old farmer with calloused hands and a worn countenance stares out his window at the windswept fields of corn, takes a long, labored breath, then mutters, “There has to be more than this.” Champaign-Urbana’s status as a campus town also added a special touch. The contrast of youthful optimism with the jaded wisdom of people in the surrounding area would serve to accentuate the silent suffering. “This isn’t a Disney movie,” Ethan Coen said. “There won’t be a happy ending. I’m trying to sell a story of reality. The reality is, some people are born in a town like this, grow old in a town like this, and are buried in a town like this— right in that cemetery on Florida Avenue. That cemetery is actually a highlight of the area. Think about that. A cemetery.” The fact that Champaign used to be a railroad town makes the story of the area even more saddening and in line with the town in the movie. In the words of the brothers, “It used to be a nerve center of the Midwest. Now the horn of a freight train pierces the winter night with a shrill sound reminding the inhabitants of better times. Instead of railroad activity, the town has entered a state of social stagnation. It’s the home of the impoverished and petty crimes. Life is slow. Life is underwhelming. Life is celebrated with a sweet corn festival. That’s the painful reality epitomized in this place.” After absorbing the vilification of their cities for an entire day, the touring committee retorted by saying, “We’re not going to listen to the half-baked opinions of two people that know nothing about living in our town. We’re certainly not going to let it be portrayed as the place souls come to die. We may not have much here, but we have our pride, so, Mr. and Mr. Coen, kindly leave.” At this, the Coen brothers said Champaign-Urbana would regret the decision but agreed to depart. Later that night, they flew back to L.A, the superior, smog-inundated city of broken dreams.
Cute redheaded girl in last week's shout out, I have a house of guys that want to know you and your friend. -Josh To the unskilled "drummer" "playing" in the round balcs on Friday around 3:30 pm: PLEASE STOP. It sounded like a 3 year old jacked up on skittles got a hold of some drumsticks and started spastically beating the shit out of his toy drum set. Actually, that would be better. To the asshole who threw the dead possum on my porch, you've got a dead raccoon coming your way. Dave, I do remember your name and I do remember the camera. Thanks for nothing! -Holly To Zack F for having the best shaved ballsack that Bower has ever known - the Bros Happy bday K-Fel, you better believe we're re-enacting last year's debacle, personal shot glasses and all! -Brit Zook...math...get on it. Whoever put mustard on my car, prepare to pay...I have ketchup and know how to use it...Pissed at Boardwalks Jackie, it's called wine night, not whine night...get a grip and stop crying everytime we're out. -Bridgette SEND IN YOUR BEST SHOUT OUT TO SHOUT@theblacksheeponline.com or upload them at theblacksheeponline.com
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SPECIAL NIGHT
Together Again Wednesdays 15 Cent WINGS 8pm -? $1.50 Miller High Life Bottles $2 Long Island Iced Teas (5 flavors) $2 Jäger Bombs
SUNDAY: BIG GIGANTIC with MINNESOTA and DJ SOLO
THURSDAY: Absolut presents the PINK PARTY Blacklights - Free Pink Glowsticks $2 ANYTHING IN THE HOUSE including all Absolut Flavors $3 Red Bull & Any Liquor! WEAR PINK!
SUNDAY: Trivia Night - 7PM! $1 Miller Lite Drafts $1 Miller High Life Drafts $2 Bushmills Shots $3 Red Bull Vodkas
$2 Tuesday 2 tacos for $2 $2 Margaritas $2 Wells and $2 Pints
WED 10/19
15 Cent WINGS 8pm -? $1.50 Miller High Life Bottles $2 Long Island Iced teas (5 flavors) $2 Jäger Bombs
312 VIBE NIGHT on WOMPDOWN WEDNESDAY featuring ABBY SOBH, TrOLL, DANNY GROOVES and WHITE RABBIT! $3 20oz Mug Refills! $1 Cover
$2 UV Vodka $2 Evan Williams Whiskey $2 Bud Light Bottles $2 Malibu Rum
Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long!
$2 Bombs, $4 Ice Bombs $1.50 Old Style Drafts $2.00 Domestic Bottles $4 Domestic Pitchers Live DJ 9pm-close No Cover w/ i-card
THURS 10/20
$1 Wells $2 SoCo Lime Shots $2.50 Jack/SoCo/Tuaca $3 Jumbo Long Islands $4 Domestic Pitchers
PROJECT / OBJECT featuring Ike Willis and Ray White performing the music of FRANK ZAPPA & more!
Absolut presents the PINK PARTY Blacklights - Free Pink Glowsticks $2 ANYTHING IN THE HOUSE including all Absolut Flavors $3 Red Bull & Any Liquor! WEAR PINK!
Quel & Maker 10PM Awesome lineup of hip-hop artists!
Beer Garden Bags League at 6pm Karaoke at 9PM! $1.50 Old Style Pints
FRI 10/21
$1 Cherry & “O” Bombs $2 Jäger Bombs, $2 Wells $2.50 Bud Light Bottles $3 Three Olives Mixers $3 Hot Shots $7 ALL Domestic Pitchers
FAMILY GROOVE COMPANY with THE BEESON BROTHERS and JAIK WILLIS —FREE SHOW!
Happy Hour Food Special $5 Wings & Fries | $3 Porch Steps 15" Long Gourmet Grilled Cheese $2 Bud Light 24oz Tallboy Cans $3 Vegas Bombs | $3 Svedka Vodka $3 Soco Lime Shots
Green Room Rockers 10PM Reggae, Ska
All You Can Eat Walleye $7.95 $2.00 Bud & Bud Light Cans
$3 Bud Light bottles $3 Bacardi $7 Domestic Pitchers
Champaign-Urbana Theater Company presents ROCKY HORROR SHOW: IN CONCERT (2 Shows!)
$3 Bacardi, $3 Jager Bombs $2 Silver Tequila Shots Come Check out our Fantastic Menu featuring Homemade Soups - Sandwiches Entrees and Appetizers!
The Jans Project 8:30PM
$3.50 23oz Bud Light & Miller Lite Drafts
SUN 10/23
Closed
BIG GIGANTIC with MINNESOTA and DJ SOLO
Open at 11am Check out our New Restaurant "The Porch" Serving Awesome Homemade Food Daily! Soups - Sandwiches - Entrees
Trivia Night - 7PM! $1 Miller Lite Drafts $1 Miller High Life Drafts $2 Bushmills Shots $3 Red Bull Vodkas
NFL Sunday Ticket $2 Domestics $3 Bloody Marys
MON 10/24
$1 Wells $2 Jumbo Long Islands $4 Bud & Bud Light Pitchers $2 Killian’s pints $4 Killian’s pitchers Pub quiz @ 8pm
$1 WILD MONDAYS Live Music! No Cover! featuring Sonny Stubble, Russian Looch-Q's, Dubstache and Stage 5 $1 Beers and $1 Wells
SALSA NIGHT with DJ LUNIKS
DJ Belly! $2 Domestic Beers $2 Wells $2 Off All Martinis
1/2 Price Appetizers 4-7pm $1.50 Old Style Pints
TUES 10/25
Taco Tuesdays! $3 AUC2E Tacos, $2 Wells $3 Tall Boys/ Miller Coors/ Tequila Sunrise & Margaritas $2 Killian’s pints $5 Killian’s pitchers
THE PIANO MAN Performing all your favorites! $3 Real Long Island Iced Teas! NO COVER!
WINE NIGHT $8 Bottles of Wine $8 Bottles of Champagne $2 Goose Island 312 Bottles $2 UV Vodka (All Flavors) $2 Jim Beam Whiskey
Open Mic Night Inside Stage
$2 Tuesday 2 tacos for $2 $2 Margaritas $2 Wells and $2 Pints
WED 10/26
15 Cent WINGS 8pm -? $1.50 Miller High Life Bottles $2 Long Island Iced teas (5 flavors) $2 Jäger Bombs
Intel and Dell present Noisey College Tour 2011 featuring NEON INDIAN, KREAYSHAWN and ELSINORE
$2 UV Vodka $2 Evan Williams Whiskey $2 Bud Light Bottles $2 Malibu Rum
Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long!
$2 Bombs, $4 Ice Bombs $1.50 Old Style Drafts $2.00 Domestic Bottles $4 Domestic Pitchers Live DJ 9pm-close No Cover w/ i-card
SAT 10/22
Brr... It’s Almost Hibernatin’ Time.
From tanning to grocery shopping, it’s a good thing we’ve got everything you need so you’ll never have to leave.
Oh, we’re just getting started. Amazing Location. Theater Room. Club
Room. Two-Story Wireless Atrium Lounge. Bicycle and Scooter Storage. Convenient Grocery Store. Fully-furnished Apartments. Fitness Center. Tanning. Pet Friendly.
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217.239.2310 | burnham310.com | 310 E. Springfield
Greystar Illinois Management, LLC
Green Street Café
SPECIAL NIGHT
Bus Transportation from Campus to Downtown @ Wright and Daniel Monday - Saturday at 10:00, 10:30, 11:00
SUNDAY: Open at 11am for Lunch Bears v. Bucs at Noon Win a Vegas STAY!
WED 10/19
World Series Game 1 Cardinals vs Rangers 7pm The New Firehaus Mug is HERE! Get the New Monster Glass Mug! Minute to Win It! Win a Jack Daniels Backpack! $3 Jack Daniels | $2 UV Vodka
$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi & Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe
Coyote Ugly Night $3 Double Wells $3 Jack Drinks $3 Jager Bombs
1/2 Price Hot Dogs $3 Jager Bombs $4 Sloppy Joes
THURS 10/20
Cards vs Rangers 7pm SoCo Fiery Pepper Launch Party Try the Brand New SoCo Pepper! $2 SoCo Shots & Drinks $2 Bud Light Bottles Win a SoCo Guitar!
$3.50 Miller Light and Bud Light 60oz pitchers $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Cherry Bombs
$3 Sweet Tea Vodka $3 Absolut Citron $3 Any Draft
DJ Ollie $3 Top Shelf Free Entry w/ Student ID Before 11p
1/2 Price Burgers $2 Blue Moons $2 Woodchucks $4 Loaded Chuck's
FRI 10/21
$5 Bud Light 40's $3.99 Haus Fries $3 JAGER BOMBS $3 Absolut Vodka $3 Jameson Whiskey CFB W. Virg vs Syracuse 7pm
$3 Strong Islands $4 Double Vodka Wells
$2 Miller Bottles $3 Dr's Shots $3 Captian & Coke $4 Oh Yeah's
$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy’s $5.50 Jager Bombs
DJ Delayney $5 Double Wells Free Entry w/ Student ID Before 11p
$2 Red Headed Sluts $6 Coors Light Pitchers Come Drink with Straws!
SAT 10/22
GAMEDAY WATCH PARTY Open at 10am $2 BLOODY MARY'S & MIMOSAS 11am #24 ILLINI vs Purdue WS Game 3- Cards vs Texas 7pm $3 VEGAS BOMBS $3 Bacardi & Oak Heart
$3 Wells $4 Top Shelf $4 Double Whisky Wells
$2 Domestic Bottles $3 Dr's Shots $3 Bacardi Drinks $4 Oh Yeah's
College Football All Day!
2XS LIL Urbanite (mini dance showcase + party) $5 Adv Tix 10p
Have an October Birthday? Have your party at Joe's for free! Call 217-384-1790
SUN 10/23
BEARS vs TAMPA BAY - Noon Live from London! $2 ANYTHING IN THE HOUSE! $3.99 for 10 Firehaus Wings WS: Cards vs Texas 7pm SNF: Colts vs Saints 7pm
$2 U-Call-It $3 Top Shelf $6 Late Night Food Specials
$1 12oz Drafts $2 Well Drinks $3 Call Drinks $4 Signature Drink
$3 Vodka Red Bulls $5 Coors Light & Miller Light Pitchers
Book Your Next Party Here! Email us at highdive.gm@gmail.com
Open at 11am for Lunch Bears v. Bucs at Noon Win a Vegas Stay!
MON 10/24
MNF: Ravens vs Jaguars 7pm World Series Game 5 Cardinals vs Texas 7pm $1 DRAFTS $10 Hydrants of Natty Light $1 Silver Tequila Shots 1/2 Priced Appetizers (4-10)
$.50 Pizza Slices (8pm to Midnight) $8 Pizza & a Pitcher $4 Pitchers $3 Double Spiced Rum Wells $6 Late Night Food Specials
$1 Draft Refills, Miller and Bud light $2 Rum and Coke's $3 Rumplemintz $4 Strong Islands
$3 Jameson $2 Coors Light and Miller Light Draft
80s Night With DJ Mingram $1.50 Wells and Domestic Bottles NO COVER
1/2 price Sandwiches Monday Night Joe's
$2.99 Cheeseburger and Chips from 4pm-10pm $2 Wells $2 Pinnacle Whipped Drinks $6 SHARKBOWLS
$1 Chicken Strips & $.50 Wings (8pm to Midnight) $2 Tequila Shots $3 Double Vodka Wells $4 Patron $6 Late Night Food Specials
Karaoke Night $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Dbl Vodka/RB $3 Marky Bomb's $4 Peach Long Beaches
$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells
DJ A-RON $1 Wells Free Entry w/ Student ID Before 11p
1/2 Price Burgers $2 Jello Shots $2 Tequila Shots
The New Firehaus Mug is HERE!
Karaoke Bomb Night $2.50 Ice Bombs $3 Jager& Vegas Bombs $4 Bacardi& Car Bombs $6 Late Night Food Specials
Open Mic Night $2.50 Corona's $2.50 Jager Bombs $3 Strong Islands $4 Oh Yeah's $4 ICB's
$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi & Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe
Coyote Ugly Night $3 Double Wells $3 Jack Drinks $3 Jager Bombs
1/2 Price Hot Dogs $3 Jager Bombs $4 Sloppy Joes
WED 10/26
SUNDAY: BEARS vs TAMPA BAY - Noon Live from London! $2 ANYTHING IN THE HOUSE! $3.99 for 10 Firehaus Wings WS: Cards vs Texas 7pm SNF: Colts vs Saints 7pm
TUES 10/25
35 E. Green Street
Get the New Monster Glass Mug! Minute to Win It Win a Flip Camera! $3 Jack Daniels | $2 UV Vodka
EVERY DAY: $1 Kamikazes $1.25 High Life Drafts $3 Jager Bombs $5 Pitchers of High Life
1/2 Price Hookahs at GSC2
Karaoke Bomb Night $2.50 Ice Bombs $3 Jager& Vegas Bombs $4 Bacardi& Car Bombs $6 Late Night Food Specials
Open Mic Night $2.50 Corona's $2.50 Bombs OPEN MICJager Night $3 Islands $2.50Strong Corona $4 Oh Yeah's $2.50 Jager Bombs $4 ICB's $3 Strong Islands
Live Band & Open Mic Night! $1 Miller Lite Bottles $3 Double Rum Wells $6 Late Night Food Specials
THURSDAY: $3 Sweet Tea Vodka Special Night $3 Absolut Citron Happy Hour $1 off all Appetizers Free Pool Fromand ½ off all Hookah’s (at GSC2) from 6-8 every day. $3 Any Draft Free pool during happy hour!!! 6-8 Daily 35 E. Green Street
$6 Late Night Food Specials
$6 Late Night Food Specials
Wednesday
$4 ICB’s
Who’s Got Next? You Do.
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THE FUN NEVER ENDS WITH INDOOR BASKETBALL, POOL TABLES, VIDEO GAMES AND MORE!
• Resort-Style Pool • Free Tanning Beds • Fitness Center • Washer/Dryer
• Individual Bathrooms • Pet Friendly • On-site maintenance
2001 Moreland Blvd | (217) 344-8800 | uvchampaign.com
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KAM'S DOWNTOWN
SPECIAL NIGHT
PITCHER NIGHT! $2 Pitchers $5 Well Pitchers
White Horse Karaoke! $7.50 Rum and Coke Pitchers
WED 10/19
$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports
Frattle of the Bands! WPGU Live - $1000 Prize! $1.50 Bud You Call Its Drafts & Bottles $2.50 Bacardi $3.50 Vodka & Bam
School of Beer No Cover
LOGO GLASS DAY! $5.00 Pitchers of Hamm's/PBR $2.00 Skyy Vodka Singles $4.00 Wild Turkey Doubles $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Burst Shots
$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors
KLUB KAM'S w/ DJ John Han $3.50 UV & BAM $2 Lite Bottles $1 MHL Bottles $3 Revel Stoke All Energy Music!
Mustache Night Get your limited edition mustache glass No Cover
$2.00 Specialty Pints $2.00 Specialty Bottles $6.50 Killians and Leine Pitchers $2.25 Jim Beam Singles $4.50 Bacardi and Mailbu Dbls $2.50 Rum Chata Shots $2.50 Dr. McGillicuddy Shots
SHACKER NIGHT $2 Bud Family Bottles $2 UV Vodka $3 SoCo Lime Shots $5 24oz UV Shackers $6 Red Bull Super Shackers
$7.50 Whiskey Coke Pitchers $3 Jim Beam $3 Jack Daniels
$10 Large Pizzas after 10pm
ABSOLUT FRIGHT! Win Spook House Tickets! Illini Pregame! $4 BAM Drinks $2.75 24oz Lite Cans $3 Jameson & Malibu
$2 Miller Light Bottles $4 Double Amaretto $4 Double Malibu No cover
$2.00 Killians and Leine Pints $7.00 Bud, Bud Light, Coor's Light, and Miller Lite Pitchers $4.50 Wild Turkey and Skyy Vodka Doubles $2.50 Murphy's Pub Irish Stout Pints $2.50 Rum Chata Shots $2.50 Burst Shots
$1 FATTY NATTY'S! 12oz Natty Light Bottles! $3 Vegas Bombs $3 Svedka Vodka $3 Jim Beam Whiskey
$7.50 Margarita Pitchers $2 Coronas No Cover!
WPGU Captain Party Win an Apple Computer $2 Captain Drinks IL at Purdue 11AM $3 22oz Lite Drafts
$2 Coors Light $4 Double Whiskey $4 Double Bacardi Drinks No cover
$5.50 Mushroom MEGA Cheeseburger with Fresh Cut Fries $2.00 Bud, Bud Light, Coor's Light, and Miller Lite Pints $2.50 Murphy's Pub Irish Stout Pints $7.00 Killians and Leinenkugel Pitchers $4.50 Jim Beam, Bacardi, & Malibu Dbl $2.50 Rum Chata Shots $2.50 Dr. McGillicuddy Shots
$2 DRAFTS of Natty $3 Jager Bombs $3 Absolut $3 Bacardi
Open at 11AM $3 U Call It NO COVER!
Book Your Next Party or Event at The Red Lion! Contact our Party Planner at CochraneParty@Gmail.com or 217-722-9000
Come in and find out what's going on! Maybe the Bears are playing...
SUN 10/23
MONDAY: Euchre Tournament! $1 Miller Lite $ Coors Light Pints
SAT 10/22
MONDAY: $1 U CALL ITS $2 Red Bull Vodkas $3 Bud Light Pitchers
FRI & SAT: $10 Large Pizzas after 10pm
FRI 10/21
WED: LOGO GLASS DAY! $5.00 Pitchers of Hamm's or PBR $2.00 Skyy Vodka Singles $4.00 Wild Turkey Doubles $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Burst Shots
THURS 10/20
THURSDAY: Mustache Night Get your limited edition mustache glass No Cover
SATURDAY: WPGU Captain Party Win an Apple Computer $2 Captain Drinks IL at Purdue 11AM $3 22oz Lite Drafts
$5 22oz Illini Mug, $3 Refills During Illini Games! $10 Large Pizzas after 10pm
Come Watch Some Games! $2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells
$1 Fatty Bottles $2 Pitchers
$3 Any Draft $2.50 Coronas
$2.00 Specialty Pints & Bottles $5.50 Bud, Bud Light, Coor's Light, and Miller Lite Pitchers $2.00 Well Singles $4.00 Sobieski Vodka and Sweet Tea Vodka Doubles $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Burst Shots
$1.50 High Life Drafts!
Celebrity DJ Party Monday Night Football $1 Bottles, $3 Pitchers GRAB-A-FATTY $1 Wells, $2 Bottles $2 Energy Drinks
Beer Lovers Night $2 Domestic Bottles and Drafts $2.50 Specialty Bottles and Drafts
$1.75 Domestic Pints $2.75 Premium Pints $2.00 Manager's Special $4.00 Wild Turkey and Skyy Vodka Doubles
$1 U CALL ITS $2 Red Bull Vodkas $3 Bud Light Pitchers
Euchre Tournament! $1 Miller Lite $ Coors Light Pints
MON 10/24
1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool and Miller Lite Drafts ALL DAY LONG and 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 6pm)
COUNTRY NIGHT $3.50 Double Jim Beam $4.50 Double Pucker $1.50 Lite Drafts
Ride the Rail No Cover
$6.00 Hamm's Logo Pitcher $4.00 Refills $2.00 Sobieski Vodka Singles $4.00 Well Doubles $2.00 Oldstyle and Schlitz Tall Boys and Natty Fatties $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Dr. McGillicuddy Shots
BARN DANCE TUESDAYS! Live DJ Playing Country Music $1.50 FATTY NATTY BOTTLES $2 Wild Turkey Whiskey $2 American Honey Lemonades $2 Malibu Rum
DAS BOOT! $5 Refills ANY DRAFT!
TUES 10/25
$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports
Frattle of the Bands! WPGU Live - $1000 Prize! $1.50 Bud You Call Its Drafts & Bottles $2.50 Bacardi $3.50 Vodka & Bam
School of Beer No Cover
LOGO GLASS DAY! $5.00 Pitchers of Hamm's/PBR $2.00 Skyy Vodka Singles $4.00 Wild Turkey Doubles $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Burst Shots
PITCHER NIGHT! $2 Pitchers $5 Well Pitchers
White Horse Karaoke! $7.50 Rum and Coke Pitchers
WED 10/26
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Bartenders of the
Week
David Kirmse Canopy Club
Major: Poor graduate in English Relationship Status: Taken Why did you decide to become a bartender? It’s my dream job What is the funniest exchange theme you have ever seen? Girls Gone Mild Porn Star name? Abby Glenmore When did you first realize you were attracted to the same sex? When two men turned me into a rotisserie Favorite boy band? NEXT Hardest shot to take straight? None If you could be any alcohol, what would you be? Rumplemintz Where did you lose your virginity? All I know is that I was faking a British accent and it just happened Who’s your favorite Scooby Doo character and why? Velma, she will think I am a hero Secret you don’t want your parents to find out? What I really did in the basement Would you rather take a body shot off of George W. Bush or Dick Cheney? Bush Dick
soma
recipe for disaster:
drinking game: By Grace of Spades
Sarah Anane
Major: Media Studies Relationship Status: Single What are your thoughts on necrophilia? Depends if I’m giving or receiving, and either way, probably both Who was the last person you crept on Facebook? I don’t creep on people, they creep on me! If you could have any animal in the world as a pet what would you choose? A hybrid of Chris Kempson, Matt Chambers, and a fucking tiger Advice to girls looking for free drinks. Two words- Wet Sloppy Blow Jobs One question you don’t want me to ask right now? Weren’t you wearing that last night? Favorite drink to make? Orgasms, oh favorite drink to make? I thought you said favorite thing to fake... What is one sex position you have always wanted to try? Taking grandma to Applebees What is one thing you do while bartending to make more tips? Make sweet dudes sweet drinks, That’s all it takes
Teeth
The infamous film, Teeth, needs no introduction. It’s popular among stoned high school kids with vagina obsessions and dental hygienists who are horrified at the thought of teeth being subjected to the horrors of down below. But now, thanks to alcohol, this film can be enjoyed by anyone! Number of players: Two. You can play by yourself, but that would be really awkward if your mom walked down into the basement and caught you watching Teeth alone. What you need: The DVD Teeth, shot glasses, and Pinnacle Marshmallow (To play on the vagina theme, you pussy). How to play: - Put in the movie! (They key is to decipher whether it is VHS or DVD. Proceed accordingly). - Every time the word “vagina” is said, you must take a half shot (I say half shot because vagina is used liberally in this movie. I’m looking out for you!). - Every time you watch an appendage get bitten off by Dawn’s vag-chompers (I wonder if she got braces on those things…) you must chug a mixed drink for the entire duration of the injured person’s dramatic bloodcurdling screaming. - If at any point in time a viewer hides his or her eyes from the graphic images of severed genitals, they must take a full shot, because that’s super embarrassing. - Any time you roll your eyes at Dawn’s blatant innocence take another half a shot. Honor code here folks, but seriously – who is this girl kidding? The Game Ends When: The movie does.
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By Grace of Spades
Nacharido
Legend has it that in 1995, a wise, old luchador named Adalberto Montoya attended a Phish concert in Mexico City. When he wasn’t wooing women in the ring and making piñatas for his niños, he loved to cook. At the concert, several kids recognized Adalberto and begged him to fill their stomachs with some paella or enchiritos. You see they had been smoke La Marijuana. Up to the challenge, Adalberto gathered all of his supplies and created El Nacharido. What you need: Nacho chips, huge flour tortillas, cheddar cheese, colby-jack cheese, sour cream, salsa, jalapeños, lettuce, pizza rolls, ground beef, liquid cheese, onions, tomatoes, chicken fingers, guacamole, and Taco Bell packets. Health Content: The calories might be as hefty as your County Market bill, but it’ll be worth it! Directions: - Cook ground beef in a hot pan on the stove until all of the pink is gone. - Stick frozen chicken fingers and pizza rolls in the oven for about 15 minutes. - Layer chips on a huge pan and melt the variety of cheeses on them. - Next, once the cheese is melted layer the lettuce, tomatoes, onions, beef, jalapenos, sour cream, guacamole, chicken fingers, and pizza rolls onto the nacho chips. - After everything is all layered, roll everything into huge tortillas and cover them in Taco Bell sauce. Now you have yourself a crazy nacho-burrito that all your friends will be jealous of… until you puke it up moments later.
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Review
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BOOZE REVIEW
Pinnacle Marshmallow Grade: C So I have a serious addiction to the Pinnacle family. If there were an heir to the Pinnacle fortune, I would become his sex slave just in an effort to have some relationship to their family. Although the Marshmallow flavor doesn’t quite live up to its Whipped flavor, it’s still the estranged cousin of my love and I respect it all the same. History Pierre Guillermo, the renowned CEO of Pinnacle Vodka, is quite the rustic fellow. Every year he spends the month of October camping in the Alps, just to get affiliated with his woodsman roots. Many people don’t know that Pierre Guillermo is in fact a descendant of the notorious Paul Bunyan. Furthermore what most people do not know is that Mr. Bunyan was a marshmallow aficionado. Every town he visited was required to create gargantuan marshmallows for Mr. Bunyan to roast over the forest fires he started to keep himself warm at night since there was no shelter of suitable size for him to stay at. He and his faithful cow, Blue, would stay up until the wee hours of the night roasting giant marshmallows off light poles and telling each other creepy ghost stories. In an effort to commemorate his ancestry, Pierre Guillermo created the marshmallow-flavored Pinnacle Vodka and released his new line in early October.
The mixer Center Coke: B Grape Soda: B+ Prune Juice: F
Typical Drinkers The Ghost of Paul Bunyan and Blue, Pierre Guillermo (but only in the month of October), the Michelin Man, Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, Girl and Boy Scouts, people who tell ghost stories, people who like ghost stories, people who begrudgingly allow their friends to tell them ghost stories, ghosts, Marshall Eriksen, and horses. User Comments “It was a dark and stoooormy night…” “BOO! I am haunting you because I died one time and now I am confused about the afterlife.” “I’m not too sure how reliable the history of this alcohol is. I’m pretty sure Pierre Guillermo camps in the Appalachians exclusively.” “Why doesn’t the Carly rate any other alcohols anymore? She must be incompetent. Or incontinent.” Conclusion So it’s not Pinnacle’s finest flavor, but whatever, it’s only $10.99 at Campus Liquors which is two whole dollars less than any of their other flavors, which automatically makes it three flavor levels better.
Chased with Graham Crackers and Chocolate: D for very Dry In Hot Chocolate: A+ (perfection)
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Ways to Land a Job at a Career Fair Let’s be honest: You’re not going to go anywhere in the world if you don’t land an internship at some point. It’s not about “hands-on experience” or any of that corporate crap. It’s about how much ass you can kiss in the course of a few awful, unpaid weeks. Here are a few tips to seal the deal with recruiters. 10. Lie on your resume This is your shot to make a good first impression so you better beef it up! Cashier at a retail store over the summer? Let’s call it a “Financial Consultant” instead. Only a member of the National Honor Society in high school? Well, now you’re the president. It’s not like they’re going to check anyway. It probably wouldn’t hurt to push that GPA up a bit either. A 2.5 rounded up is a 3.0 anyway, right?
Steve Who? The Return of the Number One Cool Guy!
Bill Gates wrote this
Hello, I am Bill Gates. In the time it took you to read that sentence I have made over 9 trillion dollars. But I’m not here to talk to you about my boatloads of money (literally!); all that is old news. Instead I’d like to talk to you about the passing of my colleague and rival, Steve Jobs. It’s been two weeks since Steve died, and to some that might be enough time to start making fun of one of the dorkiest public figures ever. But I urge you, please, leave Steve alone. I know what you’re thinking – “But, Bill, this is a comedy paper; we want nothing but cruel, hate-filled jokes!” And of course, I understand this. After all, this is definitely, totally the real Bill Gates choosing to write for The Black Sheep. But instead of making fun of Steve Jobs, I ask you to direct your jokes and insults at me! You see, on my first day of fourth grade back in 1964 I surprised teachers by requesting more math homework focused on electronic communication. Then on my second day of fourth grade, a bully surprised me by punching me in the face. I ran home crying to Mama Gates who was ready with an ice pack in her hand. “Why, oh why, Mama, would someone hit me in the face,” I asked of her. “Settle down, child,” my Mama said. “That boy hit you because he’s jealous of you. He probably just wants to be your friend, but is too intimidated.” “Of course,” I thought! It all made sense! That’s why I had no friends – because I was too cool for them! From there things went swimmingly for me. After I got my first pair of huge glasses all the kids showed their love for me by calling me Bill “Gays”! Then when I built a computer, everyone said that a machine would be the only girlfriend I’d ever get. Those insults were like being surrounded by a wave of high fives! Even when I made tons of money off that computer I didn’t lose any of my popularity! I was so cool that, instead of thanking me for creating one of the most important inventions of the modern world, people just made fun of my nerdy voice and six dollar haircut. Then in 1994, when I went to the International World Technology Conference and gave the keynote address, the entire audience went back to calling me Bill “Gays” again. I never felt more loved!
But soon I began to notice my popularity waning. For some reason, people stopped making fun of me. And you know whose fault it was: Steve Jobs. Steve with his dumbass turtlenecks and slide show presentations! Steve with his indie music commercials and MP3 players! Steve with clubfoot and love of European football! Why would anyone choose to make fun of this guy as a way to show his or her friendship when I was so obviously better? Despite it all, somehow around the late 1990s Steve had overtaken my coolness. Before that, my friends like Jay Leno and The Simpsons were mocking me. But then Steve’s products became more popular, and he became the go-to guy for computer nerd jokes. I tried hard to get my friends back. I started a bogus charity in hopes that people would make fun of me for trying to help others, but they just respected me! I created that piece of shit Zune, desperately hoping for that fourth grade bully to come back and punch me in the face. But that thing was so awful that people just pitied me. Gone were the days when my friends came up to me on the street and pinched my belly and tussled my hair and said things like, “How’s the weather down there, weirdo.” Now people were just saying, “Hey, Bill, know any good Steve Jobs jokes?” But guess what: I’m back, baby, because Steve is dead! And it’s not like he died of something funny like slipping on a banana peel or polio. No, he died of pancreatic cancer. Let’s see anyone make fun of that one! With Steve gone, I expect the insults about me to start rolling in. Here are a few to help everyone get started: • “Bill Gates? More like too many dollar bills behind his gates of the many houses he owns!” • “Man, Bill Gate’s wife Melinda is so smokin’ hot, how does that nerd get to sleep with her EVERY NIGHT?” • “Isn’t everyone so sick of Bill Gates and his tight butt?! Seriously, does that guy really do 100 toe touches each night!?!” Ouch, those insults really stuck it to me, am I right? Only real friends would say those things. So go off and think of your own, and please NEVER EVER make fun of Steve Jobs again!
9. Do research on the company Everyone likes someone who knows their shit! Know some random facts about the companies you’re pursuing. For example, figure out how often they have office parties or if there are any easy chicks in the sales department. It’s not creepy! It’ll show that you truly care about the company and all the awesome benefits you can enjoy when you get the position. 8. Wear revealing clothing The only way to show a recruiter everything you have to offer is to let it all hang out, literally. Ladies, bring out that low-cut, cleavage-popping shirt that you wear on Thursday nights. Let the girls do the talking. You should probably just keep your dumb mouth shut. Gentlemen, make sure you put some emphasis on what I like to call the “Cougar’s Den.” Everyone likes to see some manly bulge. 7. Tell them why you’d be a good fit in the company One of the most commonly asked questions. Make sure they know how responsible, loyal, and dedicated you are. And how well you can cover up hangovers in the morning. 6. Use bribery This could seem very desperate, but when used correctly, it’s your key to success. Maybe your GPA is a point or two below their requirement or you don’t have enough “real world experience.” I bet a visit from my little friend Mr. Washington could help change their minds... 5. Name-drop like crazy In the real world it’s all about who you know so you better start making yourself look like hot shit. If you’ve done your research on the company, start tossing out CEO and VP names, saying how they’re old family friends or your second uncle twice removed on your step mom’s side. Throw a few celebrities in the mix too. “Oh yeah, Steve Jobs? He and I used to grab Sunday brunch together every once in a while. God rest his turtlenecked soul.” 4. Be slightly tipsy Right before you step in the Union and put on your shiny little nametag, down a few shots of Jack (whiskey exudes power, never stray to other liquors), and throw on that dazzling smile, kid. There’s no kind of confidence like alcoholic confidence! I’m not saying get completely slizzard, but a nice buzz never hurt anyone. Just keep it clean, sociable, and under 0.08. 3. Make up a challenging life story Hey, it works for those whiners on American Idol, why wouldn’t it for you? Make sure you take a moment to point out your Holocaust ring or tell the recruiter the story of your tonsillitis in 6th grade and how it really made you who you are today: A stronger, more persistent ass-kisser. 2. Describe your leadership experience Usually recruiters want to know if you’ve been in charge of anything throughout your pathetic, worthless life. They don’t care if you were varsity basketball captain or organized a food drive. They would rather hear about how you lead a few of your bros to victory last night in Flippy Cup. Trust me. 1. Tell them you put out If all else fails, cut the crap and lay it on the line.
Kitty Kat wrote this
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A Glimpse Inside the Whitney Writer’s Room eSexy wrote this
It’s a rainy Wednesday night, and the writing staff of the new hit NBC sitcom Whitney has been brainstorming for hours trying to create the perfect episode. With their deadline fast approaching, they must find a way to speed up the creative process, or risk the cancellation of NBC’s BEST NEW COMEDY. We join this brilliant comedic think tank at 12:30 a.m., just a half hour before the script must be turned in. Staff Writer Neel Shah: (farts) Creator/Star Whitney Cummings: (slow-motion raised eyebrows) Smells like BEAN spirit in here, am I right? (sticks tongue out) Executive Story Editor Sam Sklavar: (Slams fists into table) Dammit people! We need to focus! Without us, NBC will never be the CBS we all know it can become! When I worked on the set of The Love Guru I was surrounded by professionals! But this is just a bunch of poppycock that I refuse to put my name on! Now can we please get back to work? Neel, what do we have so far? Neel: Um, okay I’ve written eight lines that say “Whitney should wave her hands around.” Oh, and I wrote “small boob jokes” in the corner here. Ha, and then I drew a picture of Whitney’s boobs. Do you want to see? Whitney: If my boobs are so small then why is your penis nicknamed the SMALLAI LAMA? (does awkward robot dance) Neel: I…don’t get it? Sam: Now that’s a joke! Let’s make that the first line of dialogue. Neel: Okay should we give the joke some context? Also, how do you know anything about the size of my penis? Whitney: I’ve got your context right here (honks crotch)! And speaking of context that’s the only way anybody can see your penis! Eye context that is! Sam: This is brilliant! When you factor in the laugh track we’ve already got half an episode here! Whitney: I’m such a modern feminist! (shaves moustache)
Neel: I’m completely lost now. Should we give Chris any lines? Co-Star Chris D’Elia: Heh, hey what’s up with this guy? What’s your name? Neel? Heh, this guy would be named “Neel,” right? Hey, Neel, what are you high? This guy’s all like “wait this is a writer’s room? I thought it said Doritos room!” Damn Neel, you’re high as a kite! Heh. Neel: What the… where did that come from? Chris: It’s audience interaction Neel, it’s what I do. You’re probably just too high, heh, you stoner. Nice eyes, man. Hey what is that color, fire engine red? Hey look out for Fire Truck Willy over here. Hey Neel, you know what goes good with your Fire House chili? Funyuns! Heh, this guy’s got the munchies, it’s too much. What the fuck am I talking ‘bout anyway? I’m out! (flares eyebrows, kicks cat, storms out) Sam: We really need to start locking that door. Let’s just switch all of his lines to various sized eyebrow-raises like always. Oh, and Neel make sure you write down that he has to laugh at all of his own jokes, just in case the audience misses their cue. Neel: Naturally. Whitney: Neel, you’re about as natural as Angelina Jolie’s lips (winks over-excitedly)! Sam: Amazing. Neel, add that one to the script too. Neel: What is the appeal of this show? Can we at least put in one joke that has some kind of relevance to the plot? Do we even have a plot? Or a central theme? Or other characters? Don’t we want to try and make this show actually worth watching? Sam: Well… I guess you have a point… why sell ourselves out for ratings when we have the chance to really make something worthwhile…? You know what, no. Let’s just put Whitney in a sexy prison costume and she can joke about doingWhitney: HARD time (whips hair back and forth)!
October is
Horror Film Month! Slaughter Massacre (U of I Filmmaker): OCTOBER 20 Fright Night (2011): OCTOBER 21 Alfred Hitchcock’s Psycho: OCTOBER 22 Tucker & Dale Vs. Evil: OCTOBER 28 Frankenstein (1931): OCTOBER 29 CHECK THE WEBSITE FOR SHOW TIMES: THECUART.COM
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the movie page Based on the Trailer
The Thing benson saw this and gave it a...
Director:
C
Matthijs van Heijningen Jr.
Paranormal Activity 3 Oct. 21 Starring: Katie Featherston What you need to know: Katie Featherson plays a mother living in a haunted house with her family. In an attempt to logically explain the eerie happenings around the house, she puts video cameras all over the house to monitor what happens at night. This reveals their kids doing creepy things—such as jumping off the banister only to climb back up the stairs and talking to an “imaginary” friend. Horror ensues. What we think: I mean, if you liked Paranormal 1 and 2 then you would probably like this one as well. After all, it does seem to have the exact same creepy plot as the past two films...and was probably shot at the same time...
The Rum Diary
Oct. 28
Starring: Johnny Depp, Amber Heard What you need to know: Paul Kemp is a journalist who’s sick of his chaotic lifestyle in New York City, so he moves to 'chill' Puerto Rico to work for the local paper. Once there, Kemp goes absolutely nuts— ingesting any type of liquor he can get his hands on and becoming obsessed with a corrupt American entrepreneur’s fiancé. When said entrepreneur recruits Kemp to write an article portraying him in a good light, Kemp needs to make the choice between helping him continue with his illegitimate business or destroying him. What we think: This movie is the brainchild of the one and only Hunter S. Thompson and has Johnny Depp in it, so you know it must be wild.
A Very Harold and Kumar Christmas
Starring:
Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Joel Edgerton
Synopsis:
This Thing isn’t as good as that other Thing. Here’s the thing. Back in 1982, Kurt Russel’s beard was a thick, unwavering mass of testosterone and bravery. In the frozen, isolated tundra of the film’s setting that beard warmed hearts. The first time I saw The Thing (1982) I had to take my jacket off... in the middle of winter...outside. Kurt Russell’s beard was all I needed. It was there for me. The Thing (2011) does not have Kurt Russell’s beard. I should end this goddamn review right now. In this day and age of cinema, it has become common knowledge that any remake of a classic is going to be pretty awful, and will of course not be as good as the original. This has pretty much always been an understood theory (the only exception, ironically, being The Thing (1982) over The Thing from Another Planet (1951)). The attractive thing about re-makes is that they’re a chance to see what the classics would look like using the technology of today. Understandably, this is an interesting concept. However, when this is done the result always just seems like a washed out, blander version of the original. Kind of like watered down soda. No exception to this rule, The Thing (2011) is a lot of fancy visuals with little substance.
on DVD Nov. 4
Starring: Kal Penn, John Cho What You Need to Know: Due to some freak accident, Harold and Kumar manage to shoot Santa Claus in the face, and thus, discover that he is in fact real. Then, as per the first two Harold and Kumar movies, our favorite stoned, drunk partiers go on an assload of hilarious, nonsensical adventures, and even meet up with Neil Patrick Harris along the way. What We Think: What do you think we think? It's the must-see movie of the year! No, but really, has the combination of Harold, Kumar, and NPH ever let you down? We didn't think so...
The Thing (2011), though, is not actually a re-make. Instead, The Thing (2011) is actually a prequel which tells of the events leading up to the storyline of the 1982 film. This confused me very much when the film first began, as I’m sure it did a few others. Instead of naming it The Thing, the same title as the classic, they should have named it The Other Thing, or, A New Thing, or even better yet, The Thing Which Came Before The Thing. My point is the producers of this movie missed out on some awesome “thing” jokes and puns. Things like this deserve better puns. The Thing begins with paleontologist Kate Lloyd (Winstead) traveling to Antarctica to study an extraterrestrial spacecraft discovered deep under the ice. Shortly after her arrival the alien inside of the craft escapes, as expected. While searching for the alien, a member of their group is unfortunate enough to be eaten by the alien, leaving the crew no choice but to burn down the station that it’s in. During an autopsy, it is discovered that the thing has the ability to transform itself to look like any organism it wishes (didn’t see that one coming!). The rest of the film follows the same formulas as the 1982 Thing: Nobody is sure who is the thing and who they can trust, causing them
to distrust each other, become fooled by the thing, and eventually lose control of the situation to their demise. As expected, The Thing follows the same basic plot line as the original. While a movie that follows any different plot line cannot be called The Thing, at least a little bit of originality would have gone a long way. For anybody who is familiar with the original, you will see many familiar scenes, including a clever test to discover the thing amongst their group, burning creatures with flame throwers, etc. The only thing that’s really different about this remake is, of course, the special effects. As expected, they do take away from some of the grittiness and mystique of the original; however, you must remember that the original Thing also sported some pretty awesome special effects for its time, so it is a little fitting. The thing I liked most about The Thing (repetition not intended) was the way it got across the isolation of the environment. That’s the scariest thing about the original, and the re-make did a good job in keeping that feel. Long story short, if you loved the 1982 version of The Thing, then you will either hate or love this version. Hope that helps.
Things n' things
answers are a few from here
october 18: Pirates/Caribbean: On Stranger Tide Pearl Jam Twenty Bad Teacher Red State october 25: Captain America: The First Avenger Jurassic Park: Trilogy Winnie the Pooh The Conversation
In The Addams Family, Thing is played as what?
In 10 Things I Hate About You, what is the last "thing" Kat hates about Patrick?
"The Thing" is one of four superheroes in what fictional team?
The 1982 film The Thing starred this man, who is also Kate Hudson's step-father.
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Maybe we’re just getting too old, but the popularity of some mainstream music really baffles us these days. Hell, we understand why Justin Bieber and Lady GaGa are “the bee’s knees,” as kids are wont to say. These six artists? Not so much.
drake
mumford & sons
lmfao
Artist: Drake Known For:”Find Your Love,” looking tired and sad all of the time. Horribly Annoying Trademark: Rapping an entire bar then pausing like this…to deliver a shitty punch line. What We’d Ask In An Interview: “If a million 4-year-olds chained to a million crayons were locked in a room, how long would it take them to write a Drake song, 25 minutes? 30?” Poetic Death: Everyone—from Lil’ Wayne to Nicki Minaj—who carried Drake on a track would take turns literally carrying Drake to a set of railroad tracks, where he’d finally meet his demise. Artist: Mumford & Sons Known For: “Little Lion Man,” being vaguely earnest. Horribly Annoying Trademark: Staaaaarting ouuuuuut playyyying a sonnnnng reallllly slowwwww, thenplayingthechorusreallyfast. What We’d Ask In An Interview: “If you sang all your lyrics at the same pace, couldn’t each and every word get their due?” Poetic Death: Tearfully, the band sacrifices themselves for a cause greater than themselves—one that flames out a few months later, like the Occupy Wall Street movement.
Artist: LMFAO Known For: “Party Rock Anthem,” enjoying shots in Miami. Horribly Annoying Trademark: Looking and sounding like fucking idiots. Loudly. What We’d Ask In An Interview: “Redfoo, SkyBlu, you both dress like your parents’ spent their lives shunning you. Sorry, that isn’t a question, just wasn’t sure if you realized that or not.” Poetic Death: Major Lazer challenges the LMFAO boys to a drink-off, only to trick them into pounding shots of liquid cyanide.
katy perry
dropkick murphy's
bassnectar
Artist: Katy Perry Known For:”I Kissed A Girl,” “California Gurls,” marrying Russell Brand, tits. Horribly Annoying Trademark: Catchy pop tracks with hooks and videos that imply women are sexually closeted idiots. What We’d Ask In An Interview: “Whose entire routine is more of a gimmick, yours, or your husband’s?” Poetic Death: No longer popular or famous, Perry offs herself in one last attention grab. It fails to generate the headlines she oh-so-desperately craves.
Artist: Dropkick Murphys Known For: “I’m Shipping Up to Boston,” being the musical equivalent of The Boondock Saints. Horribly Annoying Trademark: Wishing desperately to be from Ireland, using an accordion and bagpipes without a hint of irony. What We’d Ask In An Interview: “You’re the kind of assholes who roots for Notre Dame because you’re 5th generation Irish, aren’t you?” Poetic Death: Alcohol poisoning, via Jameson suppositories.
Artist: Bassnectar Known For: Being an integral part of the dubstep trend that’s sweeping the nation. Horribly Annoying Trademark: Having a shtick and a light show that mask glaring musical inability. What We’d Ask In An Interview: “Did you and Beyonce mean to get your extensions from the same guy, or was that just some sort of happy coincidence?” Poetic Death: A fan—while rolling their balls off on MDMA—sticks a turntable needle through the heart of a voodoo doll made from his hair, killing him.
Can you solve the riddle? If so, email us at riddle@theblacksheeponline.com. First 10 win a prize!
the black sheep whoreoscopes Aries (March 21 - April 19): 8 Your feisty personality pretty much guarantees that you will be causing trouble this weekend. Keep an open mind when you get a sexy proposition. Taurus (April 20 – May 20): 7 Your penchant for material objects is beginning to overwhelm you, isn’t it? Thinking about prostituting yourself for a little extra cash, are we? Instead of hooking, try to find yourself a nice sugar daddy or cougar to satisfy your monetary needs (but not your primal ones). Gemini (May 21 - June 21): 9 Many are envious of the balance you seem to be able to maintain in your life. To fully embrace your sense of duality, try something different this month. Two guys are always better than one, right? Cancer (June 22 - July 22): 6 Your sentimental side will be making a stronger appearance right around the end of October. For girls, let him try that thing he keeps mentioning when drunk... you know...it shows you care. For guys, try a little more cuddling afterwards.
( class time )
Leo (July 23 - August 22): 4 With your charm and good looks, you generally have no problems in the realm of dating. However, you might run into a little snafu in the beginning of November. I suggest a little less hair gel and/or fake tanner. Trust me on this one; no one wants to bone Snooki (except for Vinny. SNAP).
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - December 21): 6 You exude positive energy and enthusiasm wherever you go. However, lately someone close to you has been trying to bring you down. Verbally bitch slap them, flip your hair and walk away, honey.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22): 7 Normally you are rather soft-spoken and delicate in social situations. However, a chance for you to get a little notoriety in the awesome department will arise very soon. Run with it.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 19): 7 Why so serious? You’ve been thinking too much about the future lately. Try to focus on the present and perhaps a sexy present will unwrap itself for you.
Libra (September 23 - October 22): 6 Your knack for cooperation will come in handy this month, when two of your best friends get into a fight. Try to keep them from slapping the shit out of each other. If you can’t, you know how to reach the cops.
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18): 6 Been feeling a little bipolar as of late? It’s probably because you are. Center yourself with a little Tai Chi or Kama Sutra. Namaste, sex panther.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21): 9 Though you would hardly let anyone know, you are really a closet freak. You spend hours contemplating your fantasies. Lucky for you, Halloween is the perfect time to find someone as devilish as you. Break out the whips and chains, tiger!
Pisces (February 19 - March 20): 7 You feel at home around the water due to your fish sign. Find a shower or a bath and a partner, and explore the, erm, wonders of the deep. It will be a riveting new experience for you. Never be afraid to get wet.
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