Illinois - 11/2/11 - v19i12 by The Black Sheep

Volume 19, Issue 12 — 11/02/11 - 11/09/11 — www.theblacksheeponline.com

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Recent Survey Suggests: Students Content in Sheltered, Ignorant Bliss mark benson wrote this With the nation immersed in four wars and counting, dictators being dethroned and executed on a weekly basis, a global climate crisis, a system of overcrowded prisons, genocides in Africa, revolutions around the globe, nuclear threats from North Korea and Iran and a slowly dying economy, students are beginning to feel extremely thankful for the sheltered, comfortable lives into which they were born. “You know, although I’ve never talked to anyone about this, I feel that I might have some depression/anxiety issues. Sometimes, I don’t know why, I just feel all alone, or that the world around me is slowly crumbling. When I’m hanging out with friends I feel that nobody really understands me. I don’t know why these thoughts come up, but sometimes they do. But then I remember that I’m not a child in the middle of a civil war in Liberia. So yeah, I guess I’m pretty happy that I was born into such a safe and glutenous life.” These words, spoken by communications major Matt K., express the general sentiment felt by most students at the university. While university life can seem stressful and unfair, most students, when compared to literally any other set of circumstances, are perfectly happy being rich, sheltered pricks. These findings were gathered when, after the release of videos depicting

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Gaddafi’s death, I became interested in how students at the University of Illinois feel about these historic times. When freshman Steven H. was asked his opinions on the topic of Gaddafi’s death, the most significant recent news event, he had these words to share, “You know, I never met the guy, but I had heard that he had done a lot of bad things. Murder, corruption - those words got thrown around a lot. So when I heard that he had died I thought, ‘Alright, that’s probably a good thing,’ but then I saw the video of him being thrown around and beaten, and it just made me really appreciate the fact that I don’t live in Libya. I mean, did you hear they stuck a knife in his butt? In his butt! I hope nobody ever sticks a knife in my butt, that’s why I’m not rushing a frat.” I found this response very interesting. Maybe when people see videos of horrible dictators being executed they actually feel some degree of empathy and abandon their judgments for the sake of humanity. “It really has nothing to do with that. I’m just glad that I can go to class and do homework to forget that shit like that actually happens.”

05: Appropriate First Date Topics “How big is it?” could refer to any number of things.

While Steven makes a few good points here, I figured that he probably didn't have as much invested in this event as some other students. I spoke with a member of Occupy Champaign to ask his opinion on the death of Gaddafi. After all, this event was the culmination of over a year of protesting, rioting, and rebellion. It shows the true power that protesting has in achieving a political end. Surely an Occupy supporter would have a few interesting words to say on the subject. “Yeah, I mean, I guess it’s pretty cool. Honestly, I saw the video, and it really freaked me out. Like, those rebels were super into it when they were killing that guy. It was weird. I mean, I love protesting and raging against the machine and such, but they really hurt that guy. Did you hear they even stuck a knife in his butt? I’m glad that the Occupy movement mostly entails drum circles and witty signs. There’s really nothing at stake, which is a relief. I just became a protester because I saw V for Vendetta and thought that protesting and throwing down the government would be super badass. But when it actually happens in the real world, there is a lot more pain and bloodshed. Like, actual bloodshed. I hope the Occupy movement is never that successful.”

08: Things They Don’t Tell You About Living With A Female Roommate pooping is no longer any fun.

continued on page 19

18: The Art of Drunk Arguing

When Mommy and Daddy do it, it’s just a lot of screaming and crying.

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Table of

contents 18 9

Pg6: A Friendly Email From Your TA Just checkin’ in, guys! Are we all “down to clown,” or whatever it is you kids are saying these days? Pg7: Afghan Quality of Life Dramatically Improves After Introduction of Apple If only Steve Jobs were alive to see this. Pg9: November: The Ultimate Love-Hate Relationship Well, besides the one you have with your mom after that one romantic, incestuous night.

Pg16: Drinking Game Shhhardines- Silent drinking games never turn out well. Pg16: Recipe for Disaster Panini Pizza- It’s almost as wild as making a waffle on a George Foreman Grill. Pg18: Top 10 Things Stalkers Collect Pg20: Movie Review: The Rum Diary Can Depp do a guy doing Hunter S. Thompson? Not in a gay way, of course.

Pg9: From the Streets What sexual favor would you do for $100,000?

Pg21: The Black Sheep Interviews: The Static Jacks These New Jersey music nerds talk about life after Teen Wolf

Pg10: Looking Forward to the Bliss We’re just watching the clock, waiting for Alzheimer’s.

Pg21: CD Review Florence and the Machine- Ceremonials- Assembly line rock gets assembly line results.

Pg 16: Bartenders of the Week Too bad they can’t drink on the job…right?

Pg22: movie posters We beat Hollywood to the punch and show you what The BreakUp 2 is about.

Meet The Staff! Managing Editor Carly Kamp copy Editor Mike Benson Advertising Manager Michelle Lenzen distribution Manager Mike Zevin Chris Bandemier Contributing Writers John Estep | John McCombs Phil Azar| Ken Halvachs Mandy Cleves | Grace Haka Hannah Johnson| Michelle Lenzen Michael Byrnes| Corey Gusstini Caitlin Chrzanowski | Katelyn Lilly Sarah Langer cartoonist Alexandra Joyce

pr manager Anastasia Guletsky Abbie Welch photographer Caitlin Chrzanowski campus director Brendan Bonham owner Atish Doshi Founders Atish Doshi & Derek Chin Questions?

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Disclaimer The Booze News & The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally. Owned & Operated By: Black Card Media, LLC P.O. Box 221385 Chicago, IL 60622 217.390.1747

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Letter to the editor Dear Carl, How come yogurt is only marketed to women and Dr. Pepper’s Big 10 is only to be drunk by men? What would happen if a man purchased some yogurt and a woman drank a Big 10? Would it really be so bad? Yours Truly, Timothy To the FOOL, What is the matter with you? You think you can just play GOD Like that? Have you any idea what would happen if a man bought some yogurt and a woman downed a Dr. Pepper Big 10? Can you spell apocalypse? Because I sure as hell can’t without my spell check on. Well, actually it would probably be okay. But why must we be constantly challenging gender lines? You know what? I hate that I have rights. Why can’t we just go back to the days when it was perfectly normal for women to stay at home and cook and clean all day? What would be so wrong with that? Now if I want to be a housewife people feel the need to pity me because I have no ambition or whatever. Screw them – they’re probably just jealous that I figured out how freaking amazing it would be to have zero responsibilities. I could spend my days pleasing my man and just be happy. I believe some day women will rule the world and choose to have things go back to this way of life, when we were really living.

After he discovered the bird playing fowl, Keith Stone we was to choke the chicken..n. t home SEND IN YOUR PARTY PICTURES pics@theblacksheeponline.com or upload them at theblacksheeponline.com

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Cheers, Carl (let it be understood my full name is Carly)

To submit your own letter, email our Editor at CKamp2@gmail.com

! s m a r g a n A Sexy

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Send your answers to celebs@theblacksheeponline.com The first 5 right answers win prizes!

Word of the week Renthysezima:

Vain Oak Ark Noun

Jangle Ah All Key

Submit your own word! word@theblacksheeponline.com

Definition: A symptom of a low bank account caused by monthly rent payments, in which the patient is forced to buy alcohol of questionable taste, like Zima Sentence: “Dude, I have a bad case of Renthesezima. The $4 in my bank account is only enough for some Steel Reserve 211.”

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Appropriate First Date Conversation Topics

Dating can be tough. Of course it’s easy for us women to get men in our beds every single night, but that isn’t all we’re looking for in life. Women want commitment, which requires dating, which requires the inevitable awkward first date. In order to make this date run smoothly, incorporate these topics into the night’s conversation. Money: In our society talking about money is a big no-no until you've been dating for a while, but it doesn’t have to be that way. We’re living in the 21st century, if it’s socially acceptable for me to have sex on the first date, then I damn well am going to ask him what he can bring to the table, and I’m not talking about his penis size, yet. Size of the Sausage: Every girl wants to know, so why shouldn’t we just ask? If you feel uncomfortable asking your date the size of his pants pole, you could dare him to go streaking through the union. Not only will you be able to see what he's working with, but also if you're unhappy with it, you can just leave the building while he is running around like an idiot. If you are pleasantly pleased with his disco stick, then you can jump him right there and make sweet passionate love on the counter in Jamba Juice. Cats, Cats, Cats: The perfect icebreaker for your first date. Start off simple. Maybe try just talking about your thoughts on the cat overpopulation problem. Eventually, evolve that conversation into how you would marry your

hannah johnson wrote this cat if it were legal. Maybe even take a poll in the restaurant on how many people have their cats spayed and neutered. If a man doesn’t appreciate your love for cats then you know it’s on to the next one, which could be a Calico or maybe a Persian. Choose wisely. Your Last Boyfriend: Women often think that you cannot talk about your last boyfriend to any prospective fuck buddies or potential boyfriends. This is a common misconception. It's perfectly acceptable to talk about your ex-boyfriend, you just have to be careful what you say about him and how you say it. Start the conversation off by saying that you just got out of a serious relationship with a male model. Hearing that you dated someone who got paid to be attractive will make him think that you’re the best girl in the world, which will make him feel totally insecure. Now that he's thinking less of himself, tell him about how your last boyfriend couldn’t keep up with your daily sex requirement. Now your date will think you're the best girlfriend to have ever lived and that he isn’t worthy to be in your presence. You got him in the palm of your hand. All The Psycho Things You Do In a Relationship: After telling him about how you only date super attractive males that will have sex with you daily, drop a massive bomb on his ego. You’re probably thinking, “Why would I want to tell him that I will stalk his life? That will defi-

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nitely scare him away.” Well, it quite possibly could scare him away, but if he isn’t fazed by it, then you know you have met your match. Just imagine a relationship where you can read all of his texts, hack his email, track his bank statement, and break into his apartment with no judgment. How you’re Prone to Yeast Infections: Actually this is pretty gross. Keep this between you and your gyno (and for the love of God, don’t date your gyno). As you can see, nothing is off limits for the first date. The first date is the time to recreate yourself and find that one special person who is not thrown off by anything you may do later. If you follow this list, you are guaranteed to get a keeper or at least a restraining order.

A Friendly Email

From Your Depressed, Unstable T.A., Jeff! "jeff slasvick" wrote this

Hey students! Well, I know what you’re all thinking: “Is this our TA Mr. Slasvick from PS 140?” Well, winner-winner, chicken dinner, haha. I actually wrote for the student newspaper when I was an undergrad. Our motto was, “We roll papers!” Rolling papers, geez, we had a case of the goofs. Get it? Rolling papers, like, drugs. I didn’t smoke though. I would never do that; not that I’m against it, to each his own… or her own. I am using this column here just to provide another medium for us to interact and hopefully to make me not seem like just a big, bad, paper grading robot. Long story short, I want to make our relationship friendlier and of course be more accessible to you as finals are looming over us. Since none of you have accepted my Facebook friend requests yet, I decided to create this thread so we can communicate in a more relaxed atmosphere. And, hey, if you want to accept those friend requests, be my guest. First a little about me: First I want to say that I’m not Mr. Slasvick. Call me Jeff. I am a second year graduate student hailing all the way from Grinnell College. Go Pioneers! My dissertation is on “Mexican Cuisine during the Reagan Era: To Burrito or To Torpedo? That is the question.” To me, there is nothing more refreshing than an ice-cold Diet Sprite.

t a E e i t g a h t D y e E h t i g k ht! o o B NOW TAKING RESERVATIONS FOR FRATERNITY/SORORITY EXCHANGES, FORMALS AND SEMIFORMALS, WEDDING RECEPTIONS, HOLIDAY PARTIES AND MORE!

Now, I do have some complaints about you guys. But, hey, it’s nothing we can’t fix. First, you know you don’t have to check your cell phones for the time every five minutes? I see you doing that! Your pal, the bell, will let you know when class is over and, hey, I award outstanding discussions with an early dismissal ;). Students, I consider everyone an artist (Slasvick, 233). However, doodling in the margins when you are supposed to be taking notes is certainly not art. Some of you are guiltier of this than others and you know who you are. Right now, most of you are saying to yourself, “Wowies, Jeff is really playing the blame game.” Newsflash, I’m not. The only finger I’m pointing is right back at myself. It’s my fault I haven’t made the class more interactive and fun. That is why, starting tomorrow, we’re going to be playing “Modern Issues Chutes and Ladders!” I modified my personal Chutes and Ladders board and filled in modern political issues. It’s going to be a blast! Can we just please act like we care? Maybe now when I ask a question we all won’t pretend like I don’t exist. You know, things haven’t been too good in ol’ Jeff-ville lately. My girlfriend, Serena, left me for the nighttime manager at the La Quinta Inn. You know, life is going great on a straight path, but all it takes is a few Long Island ice teas and “Free Bird” at a motel bar to knock everything off course. Last night I ate coffee grounds for dinner. I was so hungry. I was just so hungry! I also bought a jackknife. I don’t know why. I don’t hunt. I’m in a very unstable place right now. I’m getting hit in all directions. It’s like chimichangas with trickle down economics: They both cause the runs. I’ve tried hobbies. I started collecting spoons. That was a step back. I have no place to put ‘em, so I gave most of them away as gifts. Guess what my sister got for her wedding last month? The worst part is I stole most of them from T.G.I. Fridays. And I lied about doing drugs. Oh, I do drugs. I do lots of drugs. I love that shit and it’s only getting harder. I graded most of your papers high on X. I guess it’s true; I do roll papers. I roll papers! And Lindsey O’Neill, the sorority girl in my 11 o’clock discussion group, I want to bang you. I think about you all the time and don’t act like you don’t know. The way you walk in every morning wearing those tights! They’re not pants! But who am I kidding? You’ll probably run off with a night shift manager too. You don’t want anything to do with a guy who pretends he has a kid on the local t-ball team just so I can get out of the house. Well, students, in light of recent events, I think we should cancel discussion for tomorrow! Please don’t call your parents. Truly, Jeffey … Don’t call me Jeffey.

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Afghan Quality of Life Dramatically Improves after Introduction of Apple

Afghanistan, a nation marred by terrorist violence, social inequality and deep-rooted health issues, saw a dramatic increase in quality of life over the past month when they were introduced to apples – edible fruits harvested from trees of the species Malus domestica. Apples had a presence in virtually every other country on the planet but somehow evaded the nation of Afghanistan for thousands of years. On September 20, 2011, a potentially tragic error occurred within the U.S. military. Instead of a thousand rounds of heavy artillery shells being sent to troops stationed outside of Kabul, two tons of McIntosh apples were shipped. Disgusted by this egregious mistake, the U.S. troops discarded the crates of tart, red fruits at the base of a mountain. It was at that time a group of Afghan insurgents encountered the foreign mound of healthy snacks. Cautiously, one Afghani lifted the fruit, licked it, smelled it, licked it again, and then finally took a modest bite. Upon tasting the sweet explosion of apple flavor, he threw his gun aside and began singing the praises of peace on Earth. His fellow insurgents followed suit. Within minutes, they were seated in a circle, arms locked, singing songs of love and understanding. After their melodies had died down, they each gathered overflowing armfuls of apples and brought them back to base camp. From that epicenter freedom cascaded outward, touching all parts of Afghanistan by week’s end. In every city and town throughout the country, smiling mouths full of apple flesh abounded. Sweet apple ambrosia now fills the air over the entire country. Groups of previously violent men can be seen sharing laughs between bites of fruit, playing impromptu games of apple catch with children, and juggling apple cores. Every windowsill across the nation has a freshly baked apple pie cooling on it, and a traveler cannot walk more than a block without being offered an apple fritter by a kind old woman or patted on the back by an amiable, portly gentleman carrying a jug of apple cider.

Venal government is no more. Every man, woman, and child Afghani lives to embody the truth. At every turn hearty apples remind them to abandon their moral turpitude. For decades, Afghanistan had been victim to the insidious practice of opium cultivation. After allowing firm, crisp apples to touch their lips, all opium farmers razed their fields and unanimously decided to use them for the express purpose of growing apple orchards. Today, families can be seen meandering through rows of apple trees giggling, telling stories, and picking fruit all while dressed in casual wear. Even the women can now don nothing more than jeans and a heavy sweater without facing draconian legal penalties. Afghanistan used to lack portable drinking water, but no longer faces this issue. Hundreds of wells have been dug spurred by the promise of usable water to fill up apple bobbing barrels. The economy has reached an unparalleled state of stability as well with a new “apple standard.” The standard economic unit of account in Afghanistan is now one robust apple. This development has made investors more confident than ever, and the nation is well on its way to becoming one of the most affluent in the world. Even schooling has seen radical improvement. Children across the country immediately developed a firm grasp of the basic mathematical concepts of addition and subtraction with problems such as, “Mohammed has ten apples. He gives away two, then finds three more. How many apples does Mohammed have now?” Practically all Afghan citizens now live a satisfying, long life thanks to the peace brought by apples as well as the apple’s high concentration of antioxidants. In fact, the only people not benefitting from the apple’s rise to prominence are those with braces. Everything else can be fixed with a simple McIntosh a day.

corey Guastini wrote this

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Things They Don’t Tell You

About Living with a Female Roommate john mchoneycombs wrote this For the past three months now I’ve been living with a blonde girl (our beloved Managing Editor, in fact), and things have been going rather well. Naturally I expected to kill a spider or two and open a pickle jar every now and then, but here are the things I never expected: The Hair Is Everywhere: Now, I’ve had a dog before, but if he had shed this much, he would’ve frozen to death in the winter. I honestly don’t understand how it is that blonde hair just happens to show up everywhere, including on my face for whatever reason. The real problem is that I wear a lot of black, and I would just for once like to drop my sweatpants on the floor and pick them up without having them look like Fabio just grinded his face into them. My newest project is to take all the hair I find and recreate Cousin It from The Addam’s Family. Everyone Assumes You’re Going to Hook Up: Not trying to get brownie points, but my roommate is attractive. Or, as bros would say, “fuckable.” Naturally, everyone assumes that I’m either gettin’ it in right now or that we will bone when we’re both drunk one night. What people don’t count on is the syndrome that develops between people when they start living with each other, and that syndrome is known as “marriage.” Once you’ve seen your roommate scarf down an Arby’s Philly in ten seconds first thing in the morning after a heavy night of drinking, sexual attraction naturally dies. Initially after she broke up with her boyfriend everyone assumed once again that we would hook up, but let me tell you, nothing kills my boner faster than uncontrollable sobbing. Your Bathroom Habits Will Change: No more bragging about the huge dump I took. Men take pride in their dumps in much the same fashion they take pride in scratching their balls and sniffing their fingers. There is something inherently disgusting/satisfying about the size of your bowel movements and the scent of your ball stink. However, now I have no one to brag to about my impressive shits. I used to love just letting the musk ferment in the bathroom for the next unfortunate soul to try and overcome it before he himself shit his pants, but now no more. I find myself spraying Febreeze when I come out of the bathroom, which has only served to ruin Febreeze for me. Oh, and I can’t even think about letting too much noise out

when I go. I imagine that this is how they train ninjas how to poop. You Will Start Watching Shit You Used to Hate: I swore myself off of smut T.V. after I got out of rehab from Flavor of Love. I was a few years sober until my roommate started watching Jersey Shore. Immediately I would just try to tune it out or leave the room, but after I discovered that they run marathons of this shit I started to finally pay attention. Just last week I caught myself sitting in the living room with the T.V. on Jersey Shore while I ate dinner, and I did not immediately change the channel. I suddenly found myself actually interested in these horrible excuses for sluts. I’m also starting to actually like American Horror Story, despite the lack of real horror and the inclusion of male nudity. I shudder at the day when I may actually find myself watching…ugh, True Blood. So there you have it. If any of you are considering rooming with a female next year, at least you won’t be going in to it blind like I did. God help you.

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From 'da Streets

November:

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The Ultimate Love-Hate Relationship

What sexual favors would you do for $100,000?

cleves wrote this Happy November, everyone! It’s officially the start of one of the strangest months of the year. I say this because every November I’m not quite sure how to feel about my life. I mean, every other month is pretty clear cut. In May you feel excited and hopeful because, even though you’re unemployed for the summer, school’s out and the weather’s great. In February you want to shoot yourself in the face because you’re single, there’s never any sunlight, and if you’re not failing all of your classes then you’re definitely at least 20 pounds overweight at this point in the year. But then there’s November. There are a bunch of awesome things about this month, but there are also a lot of shitty things about it, spinning your mind into a whirlwind of confusion. With all of these different emotions going on in your brain, how are you supposed to request the correct antidepressant from your doctor? How are you supposed to post an accurate Facebook status for Pete’s sake? And who the heck is this Pete and why does everyone care about his sake already?! Everyone knows that the first great thing about November is Thanksgiving. You get a week off from school, you eat tons of delicious, home-cooked food, and you get to stare at your cousin’s tits from across the dinner table. What can possibly be bad about Thanksgiving? That one time your druncle stuck his hand in the turkey fryer and got third-degree burns wasn’t a tragedy; it was hilarious! Yes, spending time with your family and celebrating the pilgrims and whatnot is quite beautiful.

"I'd give a blumpkin." - Nate M., Junior

And then again, there’s the weather. Oh, here we go. Bring on the snowstorms and gusts of winds that are enough to send a small freshman flying through the air. Not to mention that one time I broke both my elbows by slipping on the ice. Can’t a girl get some salt on these sidewalks, City of Champaign? November is often the month where all of the decent weather goes to shit. Damn you, Midwest. School plays a significant role in why this month is pretty great. You spend most of October popping Adderall and having sex with Asians just so you can get through all your midterms and papers. Then there’s a lag in the schoolwork and you get to relax for a while. You may have an assignment here and there, which you bullshit your way through, but then you’re off for a week of freedom. However, it all comes crashing down when you come back from break. You think to yourself, “Oh crap, finals are literally next week and I completely forgot everything I learned while I sat at home, smoked weed and let my dog lick my feet for an entire seven days. Thanks a lot, November, for being a bigger tease than my exgirlfriend,” And now you’re screwed.

"I'd fuck a fat bitch in the turd bailer." - Jack P., Sophomore

"Oh crap, finals are literally next week and I completely forgot everything I learned while I sat at home, smoked weed and let my dog lick my feet for an entire seven days."

However, everyone knows that the first terrible thing about November is also Thanksgiving. Sure, you get a week off of school, but this means you spend a week getting nagged to death by your parents. This gives you no choice but to drink yourself into oblivion on Black(out) Wednesday, be hungover as a mother-effer on Thanksgiving, and ruin the day for everyone by vomiting in the stuffing. Your grandmother starts crying, your druncle “accidentally” hits his wife, just chaos. Holidays like this typically bring about such behavior. Then there’s the weather. While warm weather and blue skies are great and all, it’s kind of nice to see a change of scenery. And I’m not talking about the leaves, my friend. I’m talking about that whore who always wears the world’s shortest shorts to class. Like, I’m sick of seeing your actual butthole, woman!

As you go through each day of the month, you might be feeling all sorts of emotions: happy, sad, angry, hungry, horny. Whatever strange mixture of feelings you might be experiencing during any given week of November, it’s safe to say that we all have an extreme love-hate relationship for it. My only advice to you would be to embrace the happy moments and try to cope with the sad moments by, well, doing drugs I guess. That’s what I would do, at least. Anyway, good luck out there, and just wait until December! Then you’ll really be messed up.

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SHOUT OUTS!

looking forward to the golden years kitty kat wrote this When you’re on campus you kind of forget that old people exist. You’re surrounded by a bunch of young, hip whippersnappers who aren’t afraid of technology and don’t smell like a combination of baby powder and formaldehyde. Eventually we’re going to be those wrinkled little angels ourselves, complete with Velcro shoes and welding-inspired eyewear. And I cannot flipping wait. Allow me to lay out for you fine young’ins just what is going to be so awesome about becoming old. The biggest change you’re going to have to get ready for is your appearance. This includes a variety of things, including clothing, hairstyle, scent, and the creepy awesomeness of your hand-veins. I’m not really sure how they’re getting away with it, but grandmas always seem to find the most heinous sweaters to wear all year round, usually with pumpkins, cats, leprechauns, Christmas trees, sequins and fabric paint. Can’t forget the matching earrings and occasional visor! Grandpas aren’t too chic either, especially with that toupee that’s one size too big on his liver-spotted head. I am looking forward to the day I get to throw out my yoga pants and wife-beaters and don some pants up to my nipples, or at least where my nipples used to sit. Secondly we can finally get into the activities. When you’re not falling asleep on the couch watching golf or going to bed before 8 p.m., you can start bargain hunting or attending VFW fish fries and church bingo. How are you going to get to all these places? By driving very, very slowly. Old people usually plan their trips a few hours in advance, trying to find the route that avoids the most traffic and left turns. You’ll finally be able to sit back and enjoy the scenery. Shortcuts turn in to long-cuts because most of the time you’ll forget where you’re going, but don’t worry – no one will complain when you’re late, you’re allowed to do whatever the hell you want. When

you finally get to your geezer getaway, spend money on things for dumb grandchildren. It’s not like you’re not going to remember their name or what age they are anyway, so play it safe and find a gender and age neutral gift. You can literally buy your grandson some Vagisil and his parents will force him to say thank you. How great is that?! And then there’s the bragging. Screw everyone else, we grew up in the best era possible, and I’m gonna scream my pride in anyone’s face who’s unfortunate enough to listen. Have you sat down and had a conversation with an old fart recently? The whole, “When I was your age…” talk? To them, those were “The good ole days,” but they’re so wrong. Maybe if they weren’t scared of the Internet they could see that free porn and billions of pictures of cute kitties and puppies is about as good as it gets. So when we get to be old we’ll have REAL things to brag about. We were around when the Internet was invented. That’s like telling people you were around when the light bulb was created, but instead it’s a light bulb that can download so much porn. Make sure you tell all your younger relatives all the struggles you had in your time adjusting to the new Facebook layouts or how you waited in line for five hours outside of GameStop in the snow for the new Call of Duty game to come out. Old folks also have this strange fascination with talking about their health issues in great detail. Feel free to inform everyone around you that you’re sporting Depends because you’re incontinent. I bet no one will sit next to you on the bus anymore and you’ll finally have some elbowroom. In the end, old people can be pretty damn cute. The way they spit food when they talk and all the little expired coupons and used tissue they keep in their pockets: priceless. I for one will embrace my age with a smile that says Alzheimer’s.

To the DJ at clys. I won that pole dancing contest and everyone knows it. No other bitch can walk on the ceiling and shake it like me. Love Christy aka Hooters It's technically cheating if it's Halloween, right Mandy? Right?! Giant Bee walk of shame...you are classic and made my day. To the girl that yelled "IS IT CONSENSUAL???" At the sight of me walking my ass home..... thank you. That was funny. Hey Quailman...glad we made good use of that belt! -Superwoman dear big orange baby driving a big orange car. rompers are for babies. <3 Becca...uhh...can you wear less clothes...always? Thanks, boys in 512 Thank you to the wasted Alpha Phi girl at Geo's Saturday night for letting me eat all of her food in exchange to listening to her life story. - Not so hungry anymore gentleman One of the 13 Ke$has I saw... you all tasted like Jack, that's for sure. Sarah, I didn't think you could be a slutty whore, but thanks for proving me wrong. -Allie

SEND IN YOUR BEST SHOUT OUT TO SHOUT@theblacksheeponline.com or upload them at theblacksheeponline.com

$6 muck fichigan shirts! hurry! Live NOW! Live NOW! Live NOW!

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Wednesday (11/09): RAILROAD EARTH with ROSE'S PAWN SHOP

SATURDAY: Bacardi Oak Heart Party 11pm Bacardi Girls $3 JAGER BOMBS $3 Bacardi Oak Heart $3 Bacardi Rum $3 Absolut Vodka

SATURDAY: Smoking Popes Live at 10PM

SATURDAY: 90's PARTY! Live DJ, Party Starts at 9 $3.50 23oz Bud Light & Miller Lite Drafts

WED 11/02

15 Cent WINGS 8pm -? $1.50 Miller High Life Bottles $2 Long Island Iced teas (5 flavors) $2 Jäger Bombs

312 VIBE NIGHT on WOMPDOWN WEDNESDAY featuring TEJAS, DJ TIM WILLIAMS, MISS AMPHETAMINE and BRITCHE$ $3 20oz Mug Refills! $1 Cover

$2 UV Vodka $2 Evan Williams Whiskey $2 Bud Light Bottles $2 Malibu Rum

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long!

$2 Bombs, $4 Ice Bombs $1.50 Old Style Drafts $2.00 Domestic Bottles $4 Domestic Pitchers Live DJ 9pm-close No Cover w/ i-card

THURS 11/03

$1 Wells $2 SoCo Lime Shots $2.50 Jack/SoCo/Tuaca $3 Jumbo Long Islands $4 Domestic Pitchers

TEACH FOR AMERICA BENEFIT (Early!) MONDOPE, DOWNSTATE REGGAE and WHITE RABBIT (Late!)

$2 ANYTHING IN THE HOUSE $3 Red Bull & Any Liquor

Book Your Next Party Here!

Beer Garden Bags League at 6pm Karaoke at 9PM! $1.50 Old Style Pints

FRI 11/04

$1 Cherry & “O” Bombs $2 Jäger Bombs, $2 Wells $2.50 Bud Light Bottles $3 Three Olives Mixers $3 Signature Shots $7 ALL Domestic Pitchers

NSCS presents OPEN MIC NIGHT (Early!)

HAPPY HOUR FOOD SPECIALS $3 BURGERS $3 15" Gourmet Grilled Cheese $5 Wings & Fries (4pm-9pm) $2 Bud Light Tallboy Cans

Jesse Sykes Live! Along with Coco Butter Kids and Stagnant Pools

All You Can Eat Walleye $7.95 $2.00 Bud & Bud Light Cans

SAT 11/05

$1 Cherry & “O” Bombs $2 Jäger Bombs, $2 Wells $2.50 Bud Light bottles $3 Bacardi, $3 Signature Shots $7 Domestic Pitchers

19th FACT AFTERSET

Bacardi Oak Heart Party 11pm Bacardi Girls $3 JAGER BOMBS $3 Bacardi Oak Heart $3 Bacardi Rum $3 Absolut Vodka

Smoking Popes Live at 10PM

90's PARTY! Live DJ, Party Starts at 9 $3.50 23oz Bud Light & Miller Lite Drafts

Closed

Open at 11am Check out our New Restaurant "The Porch" Serving Awesome Homemade Food Daily! Soups - Sandwiches - Entrees

Trivia Night - 7PM! $1 Miller Lite Drafts $1 Miller High Life Drafts $2 Bushmills Shots $3 Red Bull Vodkas

NFL Sunday Ticket $2 Domestics $3 Bloody Marys

SALSA NIGHT with DJ LUNIKS $1 WELLS $2 CORONA Bottles

Book Your Next Party Here!

1/2 Price Appetizers 4-7pm $1.50 Old Style Pints

$3 Real Long Islands!

WINE NIGHT $8 Bottles of Wine $8 Bottles of Champagne $2 Goose Island 312 Bottles $2 UV Vodka (All Flavors) $2 Jim Beam Whiskey

Open Mic Night Inside Stage

$2 Tuesday 2 tacos for $2 $2 Margaritas $2 Wells and $2 Pints

RAILROAD EARTH with ROSE'S PAWN SHOP

$2 UV Vodka $2 Evan Williams Whiskey $2 Bud Light Bottles $2 Malibu Rum

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long!

$2 Bombs, $4 Ice Bombs $1.50 Old Style Drafts $2.00 Domestic Bottles $4 Domestic Pitchers Live DJ 9pm-close No Cover w/ i-card

SPECIAL NIGHT

NOV: NFL Pro Bowl Weekends! $2.50 Bud Light Bottles Fridays & Saturdays WIN Great Prizes & 1 Grand Prize! 2 Tickets to HAWAII, the NFL Pro Bowl & Air Too!

SUN 11/06

Closed

MON 11/07

$1 Wells $2 Jumbo Long Islands $4 Bud & Bud Light Pitchers Pub quiz @ 8pm

TUES 11/08

Taco Tuesdays! $3 AUC2E Tacos, $2 Wells $3 Tall Boys/ Miller Coors/ Tequila Sunrise & Margaritas

WED 11/09

15 Cent WINGS 8pm -? $1.50 Miller High Life Bottles $2 Long Island Iced teas (5 flavors) $2 Jäger Bombs

VANATTICA with THE 45 and BRIDGE THE SEA (Late!)

RON POPE (Early!) $1 WILD MONDAYS (Late!) Live Music! No Cover! $1 Beers and $1 Wells

Stop Being a Coffee Shop Hobo. With free wi-fi and a two-story atrium lounge, you can surf and study from the comforts of home.

Oh, we’re just getting started. Amazing Location. Theater Room. Club Room. Two-Story Wireless Atrium Lounge. Bicycle and Scooter Storage. Convenient Grocery Store. Fully-furnished Apartments. Fitness Center. Tanning.

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217.239.2310 | burnham310.com | 310 E. Springfield

Greystar Illinois Management, LLC

Green Street Café

Monday: We're Sending Another Lucky Person to Vegas 3 Days/2 Nights Just for Watching the Bears

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi & Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

Coyote Ugly Night $3 Double Wells $3 Jack Drinks $3 Jager Bombs

Wheel Wednesday is Back! Don't know what to drink...give the Wheel of Destiny a spin

THURS 11/03

Blackhawks vs Panthers 6:30pm $2 SVEDKA, $2 JIM BEAM $2 BUD LIGHT BOTTLES $6 NATTY LIGHT BOTTLE BUCKETS

$3.50 Miller Light and Bud Light 60oz pitchers $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Cherry Bombs

$3 Sweet Tea Vodka $3 Any Draft

DJ Ollie $3 Top Shelf Free Entry w/ Student ID Before 11p

1/2 Price Burgers $2 Blue Moons & Woodchucks $4 Loaded Chuck's $4 Cups of Shots

FRI 11/04

Hawks vs Lightning 6:30pm $5 Bud Light 40's $3.99 Haus Fries $3 JAGER BOMBS $3 Absolut Vodka $3 Jameson Whiskey

$3 Strong Islands $4 Double Vodka Wells

$2 Miller Bottles $3 Dr's Shots $3 Captian & Coke $4 Oh Yeah's

$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy’s $5.50 Jager Bombs

DJ Delayney $5 Double Wells Free Entry w/ Student ID Before 11p

Weather man says Sunny and 60...Enjoy the beer garden while you still can!

SAT 11/05

Special Saturday MUG NIGHT! You Keep the 25oz Glass Firehaus Mug! $2 Bud Light 25oz Refills $3 Goose Island 25oz Refills #1 LSU vs #2 Alabama 7pm $3.99 Haus Fries 7pm-10pm

$3 Wells $4 Top Shelf $4 Double Whisky Wells

$2 Domestic Bottles $3 Dr's Shots $3 Bacardi Drinks $4 Oh Yeah's

College Football All Day!

Highdive Rave Party 9PM DJ Belly + MC Harsh

No Illini Football = 1/2 Price Burgers on Saturday

SUN 11/06

GB vs San Diego 3pm Ravens vs Steelers 7pm $2 ANYTHING IN THE HOUSE $3.99 for 10 Firehaus Wings

$2 U-Call-It $3 Top Shelf $6 Late Night Food Specials

$1 12oz Drafts $2 Well Drinks $3 Call Drinks $4 Signature Drink

$3 Vodka Red Bulls $5 Coors Light & Miller Light Pitchers

Book Your Next Party Here! Email us at highdive.gm@gmail.com

Kitchen Open 11 - 9 Sunday Funday Free Straws...grab one and have a drink

MON 11/07

BEARS vs EAGLES 7pm WIN A BEARS JERSEY $1 DRAFTS $10 Hydrants of Natty Light $1 Silver Tequila Shots 1/2 Priced Appetizers (4-10)

$.50 Pizza Slices (8pm to Midnight) $8 Pizza & a Pitcher $4 Pitchers $3 Double Spiced Rum Wells $6 Late Night Food Specials

$1 Draft Refills, Miller and Bud light $2 Rum and Coke's $3 Rumplemintz $4 Strong Islands

$3 Jameson $2 Coors Light and Miller Light Draft

80s Night With DJ Mingram $1.50 Wells and Domestic Bottles NO COVER

Bears/Eagles on Monday Night Football Win a trip to Vegas during the 4th Quarter

Blackhawks vs Blues 7pm $2.99 Cheeseburger and Chips from 4pm-10pm $2 Wells $2 Pinnacle Whipped Drinks $6 SHARKBOWLS

$1 Chicken Strips & $.50 Wings (8pm to Midnight) $2 Tequila Shots $3 Double Vodka Wells $4 Patron $6 Late Night Food Specials

Karaoke Night $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Dbl Vodka/RB $3 Marky Bomb's $4 Peach Long Beaches

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells

DJ A-RON $1 Wells Free Entry w/ Student ID Before 11p

1/2 Price Burgers Tequila Tuesday Back at the 8th Grade Dance $1 Jello Shots

The New Firehaus Mug is HERE!

Karaoke Bomb Night $2.50 Ice Bombs $3 Jager& Vegas Bombs $4 Bacardi& Car Bombs $6 Late Night Food Specials

Open Mic Night $2.50 Corona's $2.50 Jager Bombs $3 Strong Islands $4 Oh Yeah's $4 ICB's

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi & Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

Coyote Ugly Night $3 Double Wells $3 Jack Drinks $3 Jager Bombs

1/2 Price Hot Dogs $3 Jager Bombs $4 Sloppy Joes

WED 11/09

WED 11/02

SPECIAL NIGHT

Bus Transportation from Campus to Downtown @ Wright and Daniel Monday - Saturday at 10:00, 10:30, 11:00

TUES 11/08

35 E. Green Street Special Saturday MUG NIGHT! You Keep the 25oz Glass Firehaus Mug! $2 Bud Light 25oz Refills $3 Goose Island 25oz Refills #1 LSU vs #2 Alabama 7pm $3.99 Haus Fries 7pm-10pm

EVERY DAY: $1 Kamikazes $1.25 High Life Drafts $3 Jager Bombs $5 Pitchers of High Life

The New Firehaus Mug is HERE!

Get the New Monster Glass Mug! Minute to Win It Win Hawks vs Blues Tickets $3 Jack Daniels | $2 UV Vodka Jack Daniels Girls 11pm

Karaoke Bomb Night $2.50 Ice Bombs $3 Jager& Vegas Bombs $4 Bacardi& Car Bombs $6 Late Night Food Specials

Open Mic Night $2.50 Corona's $2.50 Bombs OPEN MICJager Night $3 Islands $2.50Strong Corona $4 Oh Yeah's $2.50 Jager Bombs $4 ICB's $3 Strong Islands

Live Band & Open Mic Night! $1 Miller Lite Bottles $3 Double Rum Wells $6 Late Night Food Specials

Get the New Monster Glass Mug! Minute to Win It Win a Flip Camera! $3 Jack Daniels | $2 UV Vodka

1/2 Price Hookahs at GSC2

MONDAY: $3 Jameson Special Night $2 Coors Light and Happy Hour $1 off all Appetizers Free Pool Fromand ½ off all Hookah’s (at GSC2) from 6-8 every day. Miller Light Draft Free pool during happy hour!!! 6-8 Daily 35 E. Green Street

$6 Late Night Food Specials

Wednesday

$4 ICB’s

love where you live!

OH YEAH, WE HAVE ALL OF THIS, TOO!

FREE TANNING BEDS, INDOOR BASKETBALL, FITNESS CENTER, AND A DOG PARK... WHAT MORE DO YOU NEED?

• Resort-style pool • Free tanning beds • Fitness center • On-site maintenance

• Washer/dryer • Pet friendly • Individual bathrooms • Shuttle to/from campus

2001 Moreland Blvd | (217) 344-8800 | uvchampaign.com

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KAM'S DOWNTOWN MONDAY: $2 Domestic Bottles and Drafts $2.50 Specialty Bottles and Drafts

WED: LOGO GLASS DAY! $5.00 Pitchers of Hamm's or PBR $2.00 Skyy Vodka Singles $4.00 Wild Turkey Doubles $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Burst Shots

DJ DON LYNCH Live from San Jose $3 Rebels Rock $4 Rebels & BAM

$5 22oz Illini Mug, $3 Refills During Illini Games! $10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

SHACKER NIGHT $2 Bud Family Bottles $2 UV Vodka $3 SoCo Lime Shots $5 24oz UV Shackers $6 Red Bull Super Shackers

$7.50 Whiskey Coke Pitchers $3 Jim Beam $3 Jack Daniels

$2 Miller Light Bottles $4 Double Amaretto $4 Double Malibu No cover

$2.00 Killians and Leine Pints $7.00 Bud, Bud Light, Coor's Light, and Miller Lite Pitchers $4.50 Wild Turkey and Skyy Vodka Doubles $2.50 Murphy's Pub Irish Stout Pints $2.50 Rum Chata Shots $2.50 Burst Shots

$1 FATTY NATTY'S! 12oz Natty Light Bottles! $3 Vegas Bombs $3 Svedka Vodka $3 Jim Beam Whiskey

$7.50 Margarita Pitchers $2 Coronas No Cover!

$2 Coors Light $4 Double Whiskey $4 Double Bacardi Drinks No cover

$5.50 Mushroom MEGA Cheeseburger with Fresh Cut Fries $2.00 Bud, Bud Light, Coor's Light, and Miller Lite Pints $2.50 Murphy's Pub Irish Stout Pints $7.00 Killians and Leinenkugel Pitchers $4.50 Jim Beam, Bacardi, & Malibu Dbl $2.50 Rum Chata Shots $2.50 Dr. McGillicuddy Shots

Pinnacle Vodka Launch Party $1 PINNACLE VODKA DRINKS $1 PINNACLE VODKA SHOTS $2 Bud Light Bottles

$2.50 U Call It $3 Jaeger Bombs

Book Your Next Party or Event at The Red Lion! Contact our Party Planner at CochraneParty@Gmail.com or 217-722-9000

Closed

SUN 11/06

$10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

The Absolut Party! $4 BAM Drinks $2.75 24oz Lite Cans $3 Jameson Drinks

$2.00 Specialty Pints $2.00 Specialty Bottles $6.50 Killians and Leine Pitchers $2.25 Jim Beam Singles $4.50 Bacardi and Mailbu Dbls $2.50 Rum Chata Shots $2.50 Dr. McGillicuddy Shots

SAT 11/05

Mustache Night Get your limited edition mustache glass No Cover

White Horse Karaoke! $7.50 Rum and Coke Pitchers

FRI 11/04

$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors

KLUB KAM'S w/ DJ John Han $3.50 UV & BAM $2 Lite Bottles $1 MHL Bottles $3 Revel Stoke All Energy Music!

PITCHER NIGHT! $2 Pitchers $5 Well Pitchers

THURS 11/03

School of Beer No Cover

LOGO GLASS DAY! $5.00 Pitchers of Hamm's/PBR $2.00 Skyy Vodka Singles $4.00 Wild Turkey Doubles $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Burst Shots

TUESDAY: DAS BOOT! $5 Refills ANY DRAFT!

WED 11/02

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

Frattle of the Bands FINALS! $1000 Grand Prize! $1.50 Bud You Call Its Drafts & Bottles $2.50 Bacardi $3.50 Vodka & Bam

SATURDAY:

SPECIAL NIGHT

FRI & SAT: $10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

BIG SPORTS MONDAY! ILLINI BBALL AT 7:30 BEARS AT 7:30 $1 Bottles, $1 Wells $3 Pitchers

Pinnacle Vodka Launch Party $1 PINNACLE VODKA DRINKS $1 PINNACLE VODKA SHOTS $2 Bud Light Bottles

Come Watch Some Games! $2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells

$1 Fatty Bottles $2 Pitchers

$3 Any Draft $2.50 Coronas

$2.00 Specialty Pints & Bottles $5.50 Bud, Bud Light, Coor's Light, and Miller Lite Pitchers $2.00 Well Singles $4.00 Sobieski Vodka and Sweet Tea Vodka Doubles $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Burst Shots

$1.50 High Life Drafts!

BIG SPORTS MONDAY! ILLINI BBALL AT 7:30 BEARS AT 7:30 $1 Bottles, $1 Wells $3 Pitchers

$2 Domestic Bottles and Drafts $2.50 Specialty Bottles and Drafts

$1.75 Domestic Pints $2.75 Premium Pints $2.00 Manager's Special $4.00 Wild Turkey and Skyy Vodka Doubles

BEARS vs EAGLES 7pm $1 U CALL ITS $2 Red Bull Vodkas $3 Bud Light Pitchers

Monday Night Football! Euchre Tournament! $1 Miller Lite $ Coors Light Pints

MON 11/07

1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool and Miller Lite Drafts ALL DAY LONG and 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 6pm)

COUNTRY NIGHT $3.50 Double Jim Beam $4.50 Double Pucker $1.50 Lite Drafts

Ride the Rail No Cover

$6.00 Hamm's Logo Pitcher $4.00 Refills $2.00 Sobieski Vodka Singles $4.00 Well Doubles $2.00 Oldstyle and Schlitz Tall Boys and Natty Fatties $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Dr. McGillicuddy Shots

BARN DANCE TUESDAYS! Live DJ Playing Country Music $1.50 FATTY NATTY BOTTLES $2 Wild Turkey Whiskey $2 American Honey Lemonades $2 Malibu Rum

DAS BOOT! $5 Refills ANY DRAFT!

TUES 11/08

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

Party with the Bacardi Girls! $2.50 Bacardi Drinks $1.50 Bud U Call It Drafts and Bottles

School of Beer No Cover

LOGO GLASS DAY! $5.00 Pitchers of Hamm's/PBR $2.00 Skyy Vodka Singles $4.00 Wild Turkey Doubles $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Burst Shots

PITCHER NIGHT! $2 Pitchers $5 Well Pitchers

White Horse Karaoke! $7.50 Rum and Coke Pitchers

WED 11/09

You like this.

• 1, 2, 3 & 4 bedroom apartments and townhomes. • Individual bathrooms in all bedrooms.

• Resort style swimming pool. • Free internet, cable, water, trash and parking.

Text "COLBERT" to 47464 for Specials!

(217) 353.6800 / www.villagecp.com

• Washer & dryer in every apartment. • 24 hour fitness center & spa with free tanning. • Pet friendly!

n i t s e b e h t s c i p y t r a p n e e w hallo #3: skeleton dude Send in your pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com or upload them at theblacksheeponline.com

#2: loofah

#1: angry birds

Bartenders

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Week

of the

Major: MCB

Major: Yoga

Relationship Status: Single

Relationship status: Recently divorced

Where did you have your first kiss? 1st grade playing “doctor.”

How often do you play Gameboy? Never, I have a PSP.

Last time you cried? When she told me she wasn’t pregnant.

Favorite game that encourages drinking heavily? Flippy cup, nude, with no hands.

Would you prefer to do a beer bong or shotgun a beer? Whiskey’s quicker.

What are your thoughts on cloning? I would like as many clones of myself as possible.

Would you rather take a body shot off of Donald Trump or Jack Nicholson? Both, one right after the other.

What is your biggest pet peeve about bartending? Watching people drink when you can’t.

What is your biggest pet peeve about bartending? It’s America, speak English.

Describe your perfect girl/ guy in two words. Got a pulse?

What’s your shoe size? 12 Does it corralate? Exactly

Andrew Schuh joe's

Who is your favorite Disney princess? Pocahontas, dark and sexy. Advice to girls looking for free drinks. Show me some skin.

drinking game:

Shhhardines What you need: Place to hide (ideal for house parties at a crib with many rooms or a lot of clutter), cases of beer, some oranges, a handle of Captain Morgan, and boat shoes. Number of players: 3 at least, although the more the merrier on this boat of fun! Intoxication level: You’ll be cursing and mumbling like a true sailor. Hopefully not looking like a creature from Pirates of the Caribbean, but we can’t make any promises. Hot messes very likely. How to play: - Place feet in circle and play “Bubble gum, bubble gum” until you successfully designate the main “sardine” fish. -The main sardine will then take the handle of Captain, run away and hide. The object of this game is for the rest of the players to find where the first sardine is hiding; the last one there loses. - Once the main sardine finds a hiding spot, she/he can then chug the Captain at their leisure. - The rest of the sardines have to shot gun a beer before they can search for the main sardine hiding. - The first player that finds the main sardine will take a swig of Captain, and then lay on top of the main sardine to create a beautiful fake fish pile - As more players find the pile, they also take swigs of the Captain and jump on top. - The last player to get there loses (and sucks) but also has to bong a beer take another swig of Captain. the loser finishes it all off with an orange slice (to prevent scurvy). The game ends when: The sardine pile starts to get frisky. Then it is no longer Shhhardines, but actually becomes a new game called: Premarital Sex, the horrid epidemic that Oprah warned your mother about.

thirsty for more? theblacksheeponline.com/drinkage

Joe Park

The White Horse Inn

Favorite boy band? LFO What is one question you don’t want me to ask right now? Will you take a shot with me? Because I can’t :(

recipe for disaster:

Panini Pizza

Sandwiches are delicious, as is pizza. Why not combine the two? Hey, it worked for the platypus, which is half duck half…uh…bad example. What you need: Bread, pizza sauce, EVOO (extra virgin olive oil, this recipe is for the elite so we will use acronyms), cheese, salt, various ingredients on hand such as chicken wings, vegetables, mini hotdogs, etc. Cook time: 4 minutes or until your panini cooks it medium or so Fatty Factor: Varies based on how many bad things you decide to dabble with. If you’re trying to throw Twinkies and other hydrogenated oils into the panini machine, the lard count will be high. Let’s Get all Fancy, Chef: - Plug in your panini grill and turn that puppy on high. - Throw some EVOO on the pan and slosh it around. - Place bread, then sauce, then cheese, then random other things. The key to this recipe is to narrate everything that you put on, very audaciously. - Frequently add spices such as salt and say, “UGH! Let’s take it up another notch!” Like the line Emerald uses that helps him pull mad tail. - Try hard to make your edible creation look like a new kind of pizza in sandwich form. - Once you fit as much as you can between two pieces of bread, close the panini lid down. - Stare at panini maker; ponder who thought up such a machine. - Frequently check your makeshift pizza and give verbal time estimates on how much longer you have. - Once it is done, remove the sammy (again sandwich lingo for the elite) from the panini maker and smell it. - Tell everyone around you how good it smells and then eat it very dramatically like it is the best meal ever in America. The great part about this recipe is that it’s casual, adaptable, and the combo of versatility plus narration will truly seal the deal for fun on your credibility as a chef in the kitchen.

THe top ten

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things stalkers collect 10) Your Plastic Cups: They touched your lips and your Chapstick residue is just much too tempting for any highbrow stalker to pass up. He’ll take those lip imprints and make out with your empty whiskey Coke for hours. 9) Your Mail: You pay all of your bills online anyways, so your stalker feels confident in snagging up your mail and checking out what your interested in. You purchased Your Highness last month On Demand and your stalker has watched it forty-seven times since discovering this, just trying to really understand your sense of humor. 8) Your Used Tissues: That cold you suffered through was pretty rough, right? It was pretty unreal how much snot and boogers your body is able to produce when you’re ill. What’s even more unreal is how many tissues your stalker collected. Rumor has it that cloning technology is becoming more of a reality each day, and you’re just dropping DNA like it’s nobody’s business.

the art of drunk arguing Grace Ventura wrote this A belligerent battle of the wits can be instigated by just about anything. Spilling a drink on someone’s white shirt, talking to some guy’s girlfriend, or pretending you have to puke to get out of standing in line for the bathroom all seem like perfectly logical reasons to smash your gold “playa” ring right in between someone’s eyes when you’re drunk. Usually before the fists and crotch kicks come out, drunk people choose to engage in verbal fighting, mostly because, in this state of mind, they think that they are gods of the spoken word. Even though originality is thought to be achieved by these banterers, most drunk people use the same strategies while fighting.

wouldn’t have cheated on me with that bass player guy I’d probably still be with her and not you!” Ouch, dude! Nobody gives a shit about your ex-girlfriend; want to know why? It probably wasn’t that great, since she’s your ex. Pulling the fat or ugly card: “Well at least it doesn’t look like my face got hit by a baseball bat, pizza face! Enjoy life eating out of Silvermine’s dumpsters!” That’s really mean, especially since I guarantee the guy you’re talking to is the kid with moobs that went to fat camp in 5th grade. Try to be a little less disrespectful! Dissing their momma: “Your momma’s nipples are so bloody that Edward Cullen tries to come feed off of them.” Too far. Try to shoot for the classics like, “Your momma’s so ugly, even Rex wouldn’t have sex with her.” Of course in this case, you need to have a friend named Rex who notoriously has sex with ugly women.

"how about you stick to what you're actually fighting about instead of looking like a psychopath."

The outrageously dramatic statement: “Yeah? Oh yeah? Well, I hope your fingers get bitten off by a baby shark at Sea World, and then you get a stale bag of Doritos and you get food poisoning and then herpes and then DIE!” Instead of looking like a fool while spitting out any random misfortune a person could have, why don’t you hit them with something that will actually bother them, like, “Oh yeah? Well you’re going to die someday. Someday.” Bringing up things from the past that have no relevance whatsoever: “Remember that time you bought me a hazelnut coffee when you knew I was allergic to hazelnut, but you just forgot? Well, this is exactly like that but worse!” How about you just stick to what you’re actually fighting about instead of looking like a psychopath. Comparing them to your ex: “My ex-girlfriend and I never fought. She was perfect. She had awesome tits, you wouldn’t know about that, would you? If she

Insulting their intelligence: “Well at least I didn’t get a C- on that Anthropology exam like you did! Ha!” Everyone that goes to this school is a borderline genius, unless Daddy paid for you to get in, so be nice about school! Unless they’re an engineer and call your major, “That little journalism thing,” in which case you can say whatever you want to them. Staying calm and keeping your arguments and insults simple, tactful, and deadly are the best way to look more intelligent and clever than your opponent. If all other arguments fail, just do what a real man would do and bust some face in.

7) Your Picture: On your way to class, at the bars, in the bank, on the job, while you were sleeping. This guy’s got photographs and videos of your from the past four months of your life. Native Americans believe that having your photograph taken steals a bit of your soul, if this is the case, your creep has a large portion of your inner you. 6) Your Hair: Creating a cute little hair doll in the image of you is a common thing amongst stalkers. Haven’t you ever seen Slackers? No? Oh well, a guy in the movie makes a hair doll. Pretty creepy. 5.) Your Tampons: It’s pretty disturbing, but just knowing that they were once inside of you makes him hornier than a horned toad. 4) Your Garbage: One man’s garbage is another man’s potpourri, and to your stalker, you have the best trash in town. You simply threw away that old, ratty thong, and Christmas came early for Mr. Stalkerman. It still smelled like you. He wears it always. 3) Your Toenail Clippings: These buggers may seem useless to the untrained eye, but to the keen stalker toenail clippings are just another piece to the puzzle that is the statue of you they’ve been building in their closet. And I must say, those careless eyelashes you blew away made a really nice touch. 2) Your Puke: Remember throwing up in the bushes behind White Ho last Wednesday? Little did you know, someone was lurking in those bushes collecting your waste. He thinks that if he dissects your vomit he can discover what your favorite food is and start leaving morsels of it at your front door to earn your affection. 1) Your Used Condoms: She wants your baby, and she wants it bad. Of course since you’ll never have sex with her since you have no idea she exists, she’ll settle for insiding-out your used condom and smearing it all over her nether regions.

carl wrote this

continued from cover story...

The consensus really seemed to be that although many young people fantasize about ending corruption and bringing down the government, the actual outcomes of such a movement are quite horrifying and a little gross. Most students are happy getting drunk and immersing themselves in the prosperous, inconsequential lives in which they were born. However, maybe the Gaddafi example is a little extreme. Understandably, these events are transpiring on the complete other side of the globe in vastly different societies. You may as well show them an alien planet and ask them how they felt about it. This was also an act of war, and these kids are not in the military, something most students admit to being extremely thankful for as well. Because of this, I decided to ask students what their thoughts were on situations a little closer to home. I asked junior Ashley K. what she thought about the overcrowded prison crisis in America, with America having 25% of the world’s prisoners in its jails, and the fact that addicts and mentally ill people are being thrown in jail instead of getting the treatment they deserve. “25%? Really? Geeze, that’s a lot. Thank fucking God I was born into wealthy means and will never have to worry about that!” I found this to be a rather apt answer and asked her to elaborate. “Well you see, because I was born in a good neighborhood and had loving parents it was pretty unlikely that I would have turned to crime when I was younger. I do smoke a little pot, but that’s not a big deal because I would probably just get away with a slap on the wrist. 25%? Really? Wow, that’s depressing. I really wish you hadn’t told me that.” Across the board, all of the responses I gathered in my survey turned out to be strikingly similar. Students, with all of the information being fed to them through the Internet, are simply coming away with the knowledge of how lucky they are to not be anybody else on the planet. A young freshman named Carl Nguyen summed everything up fairly well when I interviewed him. “You see; college life can be really stressful. There’s homework, classes, sports, parties, girls, angry religious people, drugs...you name it. However, while college life is both fun and stressful, I find the best part about it is how it distracts me from the spinning real world around me. Man, when you just asked me about war and prisons, it really interrupted my awesome, sheltered life of parties and protesting without any consequences. And you probably shouldn’t print this, because it’s probably just going to depress everyone.” Spoken like a true American.

"I thought inequality couldn't get worse than when I missed out on Free Burrito Day at Chipotle! Boy was I wrong!"

www.theblacksheeponline.com

the movie page Based on the Trailer

The rum diary benson saw this and gave it a...

Director: A Very Harold and Kumar Christmas

Bruce Robinson

Nov. 4

Starring:

Johnny Depp, Michael Rispoli, Amber Heard, Aaron Eckhart

Starring: Kal Penn, John Cho What You Need to Know: Due to some freak accident, Harold and Kumar manage to shoot Santa Claus in the face, and thus, discover that he is in fact real. Then, as per the first two Harold and Kumar movies, our favorite stoned, drunk partiers go on an assload of hilarious, nonsensical adventures, and even meet up with Neil Patrick Harris along the way. What We Think: What do you think we think? It's the must-see movie of the year! No, but really, has the combination of Harold, Kumar, and NPH ever let you down? We didn't think so...

Jack and Jill

Nov. 11

Starring: Adam Sandler, Katie Holmes, Al Pacino What You Need to Know: Ugh, do we really need to tell you? Adam Sandler plays both a guy and girl character during his family's Thanksgiving dinner. Seriously. What We Think: Didn't Martin Lawrence do this movie? Or Tyler Perry? Or the Wayans Brothers? God. This seems like the worst idea ever, and we have no idea how Katie Holmes or Al Pacino got roped into being a part of this. The only thing it actually has going for it are the number of random cameos that take place, including Shaq (clearly looking for something to do), Regis Philibin (come on, you're better than this), Dana Carvey (where have you been?), Tim Meadows (probably won a bet), and Natalie Gal/Yvette Rachelle (crazy hot ladies).

Synopsis:

Hunter S. Thompson gets loaded for 120 minutes. I’m always interested in how actors prepare for their on-screen roles. For instance, when Dustin Hoffman was preparing for his role in Tootsie, did he wear women’s clothing around the house all the time? You know he must have practiced at least once on his own. How many people has Anthony Hopkins eaten in his life? Some of these actors get so invested in their roles it would surprise you. For instance, Heath Ledger got so into his role as the Joker that he needed some serious antidepressants to shake the character. The guy who played Nosferatu in the 1922 silent horror film of the same name actually thought that he was a vampire after the shooting of the film was done. The only reason I bring all of this up is because Johnny Depp, in preparation of his second Hunter S. Thompson flick, must have done enough drugs to kill a Columbian soccer team, and I only wish I could have been there to help him prepare. The Rum Diary, a film adaption of an early Hunter S. Thompson’s novel, features Johnny Depp reprising his role as a Thompson stand-in, though not as Raoul Duke from the 1998 film Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. Instead, he’s Paul Kemp, protagonist at large.

on DVD The Descendants

Nov. 11

Starring: George Clooney, Shailene Woodley What You Need to Know: Clooney plays a husband and father in Hawaii whose wife recently died in an accident. Then his bitch of a daughter (Woodley) tells him that mama was actually in the middle of an affair at the time of the accident. Uhm, that's awkward. What We Think: Psh, there isn't family drama and hardship in Hawaii - it's Hawaii for crying out loud. But if it can happen to Clooney, it can happen to anyone. This film looks interesting and inspiring enough to keep our attention, but we're not sure the tears are worth the $10. Save it for Thanksgiving break when daddy's buying.

C+

Paul Kemp is an American journalist who, after leaving New York for Puerto Rico in the late 1950s, finds himself writing for a rundown, second-rate news publication on the island. Writing mostly inconsequential drivel and filler material for the paper, Kemp spends the majority of his time drinking rum and mixing with the disenfranchised locals. Among these is Sala (Michael Rispoli), a photographer whom Kemp befriends. Along his adventures, Kemp becomes mixed in with American entrepreneur Sanderson (Aaron Eckhart), who aims to build a resort on the beautiful, untouched beaches on the island. A romantic subplot evolves between Kemp and Sanderson’s attractive girlfriend. Much like Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas and many other Thompson works, The Rum Diary doesn’t follow much of a straightforward plot line. Instead, the film follows Kemp as he goes about his drunken misadventures and attempts to find a place for himself in the destructive world of the film’s setting. The trouble is, while Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas was very successful in achieving this angle, often appearing completely confused and disjointed and asking the audience to abandon their anchors to follow this drugged lunatic in a haze, The Rum Diary really just seems confused and

all about depp

disjointed. It attempts, and fails, to have the same sense of turbulent bingeing and excess, except without the style and creativity of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. The acting in this film is superb. Once again Johnny Depp does a great job portraying the de-facto Thompson, and he’s also helped by a talented supporting cast. Much of the writing in the film is witty and entertaining, which is only helped by the great performances by the cast. While the acting is great, the main problem of The Rum Diary is the lack of character depth and a general blandness of Thompson’s persona. Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas was great with portraying the character of Thompson as a drug-obsessed, eccentric criminal with a heart of gold and the talent and intelligence to write beautiful pieces of work while blasting his brain with LSD. While on the surface he appears to be a cold, dangerous sociopath with little to no respect for anybody or anything, you learn that he really does care about the country and people he is writing about, and in fact shows a lot of compassion and respect for his lost and confused countrymen. The Rum Diary, while succeeding in preserving the first half of Thompson’s personality, fails to bring the character full circle.

answers are a few from here

november 1: Cars 2 Crazy, Stupid, Love Water for Elephants Californication Seas. 4 Tresspass november 8: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 The Change-Up Atlas Shrugged Part 1

Depp is one of the highest paid actors of our day. How much is he worth?

What year did Depp receive his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame?

Depp once co-owned a restaurant with other American actors in which city?

How many tattoos does Depp have?

www.theblacksheeponline.com

The Static Jacks

the interview

We were lucky enough to catch an interview with Nick Brennan, the drummer from up-and-coming indie band the Static Jacks. Right now they’re touring the country on the strength of their first album, If You’re Young. They like sandwiches and being featured on MTV. By: Brendan The Black Sheep: Can you talk about how Static Jacks got together? Nick Brennan: Me, Ian [singer], Michael [guitarist] and Henry [guitarist] started playing music in high school. When we graduated we went to college, but eventually left to play music full time. Since 2008 we’ve been writing music and playing as the Static Jacks. TBS: Your first album, If You’re Young, was released last August. Can you talk about not so much the songwriting process, but how you prepare to record an album? Nick: Our goal before we got signed was to make an album; we had been writing and writing and writing for 2 or 3 years. At that point we had a lot of songs, and we didn’t know which ones we were going to put on the record. Once we received some label attention we quickly whittled down which songs we were going to put on it. It’s a really cohesive album, because we had spent so much time writing for it. TBS: Then what is the songwriting process like? Nick: It’s very collaborative, it’s people bringing in chords and lyric ideas. It’s odd, but that’s how we’ve always worked. There’s not a lead writer at all.

CD REVIEW

Out Now

Florence + the machine Ceremonials

The dog days aren’t over, but they still suck. When I first encountered the band Florence + The Machine, the world fell for them. A cheesy little book called Eat, Pray, Love turned into a stupid little movie with the same title featuring Julie Roberts (not stupid, just a stupid role, love ya girl) and that song, oh, what’s it called again? Oh yes, “Dog Days Are Over.” Yeah, ladies, rejoice; you’re no longer going to be fat, sad and lonely, because them dog days are over, because you’re gonna eat and eat and eat, then pray for love. [insert vomit] It’s one thing to jump on a bandwagon willy nilly, with the understanding that you know you are on the bandwagon and don’t mind “accidentally” falling off after a month or so. But it’s another to go on and be nominated for Grammy awards and then have the balls to release a second album, like people are really going to give a shit. Well, the one’s who’ve prayed and never found love will buy their album, because they saw an ad for it while they watched Oprah’s Lifeclass for the fourth night in a row. And that’s fine, for them. Ceremonials' first single “Shake it Off” has that signature orchestral sound as the rest of

their music, with the loud and preachy chorus that gives you a positive call to action - just shake it off, sis. It’s not a bad song – it’s inspirational and catchy, but not something I see myself singing at karaoke anytime soon. The rest of the album continues on in the same fashion, with sprinklings of oddly humorous tunes, such as “Breaking Down” which sounds like it should be running at the ending credits of Sixteen Candles. Florence Welch is 25 and makes beautiful music for 40-somethings. Maybe I’m just cynical (and notoriously not a fan of female singers), but this Evanescence/Imogen Heap meets an extravagant church choir doesn’t do it for me. Though there is no denying that Welch has an incredibly powerful voice, it might be interesting to see her do some solo stuff and try a different sound, perhaps like Adele. But if this crap gets you in the mood to conquer the world, more power to ya. Listen to it When: You’re self-loathing, drinking white zinfandel. Sounds Like: Evanescence as a Baptist choir.

UPCOMING RELEASES >>> Susan Boyle -Someone to Watch Over Me Justin Bieber - Under the Mistletoe Miranda Lambert - Four the Record Megadeath - TH1RT3EN

The Decemberists - Long Live the King U2 - Achtung Baby Tyrese - Open Invitation Lou Reed and Metallica - LuLu

TBS: When you write, what do you draw from? Nick: I pull very heavily from personal experiences, as do many of the band members. We all wrote from similar experiences, and I think that’s what made our album so cohesive. I know that we’re looking to expand ourselves lyrically, to expand our base and to create characters that we can write about. TBS: Who do you respect in the music industry? Nick: I’m really into the Arctic Monkeys, their musicianship blows me away. Any time Arcade Fire puts something out, it makes you want to just quit music because they do it so well, so they’re a huge influence for us. Then The Strokes, they’re the garage band for our generation. Mike loves David Bowie, how he explores these weird songs. TBS: You guys are in a line of New Jersey musicians, from Bruce Springsteen to River City Extension to Titus Andronicus, that all speak longingly of escape. Why is that? Nick: It’s the idea of New Jersey as a place of towns and suburbs. It’s not like we’re talking about middle Indiana, but it’s getting out from where you’re from to a better place. The big part of growing up in New Jersey is the promise of leaving, even if you don’t know where your destination is. TBS: For someone who hasn’t heard your stuff, how would you describe your music in 5 words or less? Nick: Energetic, loud, fast, catchy and sexy. TBS: You’re out on tour right now, what’s a live show like? Nick: Very sexy, loud and fast. That’s our main thing, a live show is a live show. We use our time on stage as a type of therapy, to go nuts. That’s what we hear most, “you guys fucking rocked out there.” TBS: How did you guys get to be on MTV’s reboot of Teen Wolf? Nick: That was the first industry thing that happened to us, where they contacted us out of the blue. We said of course, it helps in the industry to see your stuff on MTV, though it’s weird to see our music on Jersey Shore. TBS: Finish this sentence: “Your music should be listened to…” Nick: …because it will help your anger through therapy. TBS: What goes on your perfect sandwich? Nick: Oh man. It would be a wheat roll with turkey, ham, Swiss cheese and Russian dressing. It’s so good.

madlib: your own worst movie 1: Thing 2: Type of person 3: Action 4: Verb 5: Noun 6: Movie 7: Movie 8: Verb 9: City or town 10: Age 11: Gender 12: Name 13: Same name as 12 14: Verb 15: Adjective

16: Same name as 12 17: Adjective 18: Verb 19: Same thing as 1 20: Verb 21: Noun 22: Verb 23: Same person as 2 24: Same person as 2 25: Noun 26: Verb 27: Same noun as 25 28: Verb

Dude, did you hear about my awesome movie idea? I want to do a movie where ___1___ and ___2___ are forced to ___3___ to ensure the ___4___ of the ___5___. Basically, it’s going to be like ___6___ meets ___7___, only with more ___8___. The film opens in ___9___, when a ___10___-year-old ___11___ named ___12___ is woken up in the middle of the night by a strange noise. When ___13___ looks outside she starts ___14___. It’s pretty ___15___. The next day ___16___ only vaguely remembered what had happened the night before, though she was sure it was ___17___. On her way to class things seemed weird. The streets were empty, no one was outside, shops were closed. It’s as if the entire town was inside ___18___ each other. Turns out, they were. You see, the ___19___ had a very specific agenda. They wanted to ___20___ the ___21___ through ___22___. They thought if they had every ___23___ other ___24___, the ___25___ would ___26___ and the ___27___ would ___28___. Doesn’t that sound like a badass movie, dude?

( class time )

the future

m.a.s.h.

Tally Box

What's your future hold?

Best Man:

wedding officiate:

Signature Cocktail:

First Dance Song:

- Rev Run - Chaz Bono as an Elvis Impersonator - George W. Bush - A cat in a suit

- Bacardi 151 on the rocks - Keystone Light Keg - Grape Burnetts and Hypnotiq - BYOB, bitch.

- "Guilty Conscience" - Eminem - "Needed Change" - Skrillex - "Gimme Dat Nut" - Eazy E - "Rolling in the Deep" Adele

Wedding Dessert:

Honeymoon Adventure:

- Bomb hopping in Afghanistan - Parasailing over a creek - Drinking Mexican water - DIY Tattoos in Taiwan

Hermain Cain Resurrected Steve Jobs Ray J Kirstie Alley

Maid of Honor: -

Monica Lewinsky Courtney Stodden Willow Smith Michelle Bachmann

Globe-sized donut Gigantic crack rock Margarita waterfall Pool of Splenda

Length of Marriage: -

72 day 69 weeks Eight and a half months Eternal <3 scan & like

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