Illinois - 12/7/11 - v19i16 by The Black Sheep

Volume 19, Issue 16 — 12/07/11 - 12/14/11 — www.theblacksheeponline.com

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Black Sheep

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2012 Predictions: The End is Nigh Mike Bennyboyson wrote this According to many of my friends’ Facebook status updates and the hard-working experts over at The History Channel, the world is going to end on December 21, 2012. Now, unless your name is Michael Stipes, this doomsday prediction should be pretty troublesome. I mean, really? One more year? That’s not enough time! Don’t the allpowerful, omnipresent overlords of the cosmic universe know that I have yet to find true love and have not yet seen all five seasons of The Wire? The origin of this apocalyptic prediction has roots in South America during the height of the Mayan civilization. Apparently, the Mayan calendar, one of the most impressive examples of science and technology in the ancient world due to its precise calculations, oddly predicts the world to come to an end on exactly the aforementioned date. Besides being the biggest thing to happen to the Mayan civilization since having one of their ancient temples briefly featured in Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope, this strange prophecy has caused a lot of people to worry, contemplate the mortality of the universe and, on a happier note, allowed John Cusack to put a little food on his table. Frankly, I find the most significant thing about the year 2012 is that it begins the hundred year countdown to the year 2112, which will be the next year that it will once again be cool to listen to Rush. However, all of this Mayan mumbo-jumbo has got me thinking, “If life on Earth really were to end in the year 2012, how would it happen?” I’ve compiled a few of the most possible scenarios, along with an analysis of how likely it would be that John Cusack would be able to save the world if such an event transpired. The evil Lord Cthulhu awakens from his slumber in R’lyeh and returns to enslave and massacre us all: Likelihood John Cusack will be able to save us: 0/10 Any time now, the stars will align just right for the great Cthulhu, last of the Old Gods,

Other stuff

Inside

06: A tribute to those we lost

Of course Osama bin Laden gets a shout-out.

to be awoken in his sunken prison of R’lyeh to feast on the souls of man. You can lie all you want and say you know this prophecy isn’t true, but you know that within your soul and psyche you can feel the all-powerful grasp of Cthulhu’s tentacles on your mind and spirit. Resistance is fundamentally futile, so just sit back, relax and let your being be slowly consumed, digested and plummeted to the deepest, oldest trenches of the ocean. It’s no help that the amount of people eagerly awaiting the return of Cthulhu keeps growing and growing. I mean, I can’t even go to the post office without hearing a group of occultists chanting, “Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn,” in preparation for his tentacle-ness. As for John Cusack saving humanity, there’s just no way. If he’s smart, The Great Old One will go for Cusack first. Bieber Fever: Likelihood John Cusack will be able to save us: 10/10 Bieber Fever, a horrid disease originating in West Africa, has been known to wipe out entire villages in weeks. It kills its host by breaking down mental processes, eventually leading to extreme dementia, and finally killing the person with bloody, soul-purging diarrhea. The disease gets its name from the pop star Justin Bieber, who was responsible for bringing the disease to the western world after obtaining it from a Ghanaian prostitute. Most of America and Europe show signs of Bieber Fever, and with so many people catching the fever by going to Bieber’s shows, the disease is spreading like wildfire. Luckily, there is no chance of complete devastation as long as Cusack is in town. A healthy dose of some High Fidelity-inspired witty and cynical music taste is enough to cure anybody from Bieber Fever. If there’s one person who cares about good music, it’s John Cusack. 15-year-old Beverly Hills resident Ashley doesn’t get her driver’s license: Likelihood John Cusack will be able to save us: 9/10

09: johnny freshman's first all-nighter

Freshmen, they're always so doggone cute!

Continued on Page 19...

18: top ten

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Table of

05: sexolutions Hey, you know what they say, "new year, new hole."

contents 08

07: Illinois football wins the war Ron Zook is dead! Long live the Zooker! 08: Oh no he didn't A guide to a man's winter wear. 09: from the streets What's your most embarrassing drinking story?

10: Is central illinois becoming cool? Short answer, no. Long answer, no freaking way. 16: bartender's of the week These downtown drink slingers are too good-looing to work on Green Street. 16: drinking game The Fame Name Game isn't lame if you play with a dame.

17: alcohol review - fulton's harvest pumpking pie cream liqueur Boy, that's a mouthful.... of deliciousness. 18: Holiday retail woes No, we're all out of the XXXXL shirts, sorry. Try waddling over to the big and tall store. 20: movie review - hugo The greatest clockmaking movie of all time. 21: holiday entertainment matrix We tell you what's blowin' up this holiday season. 22: God's facebook We hacked into the big-guyupstairs' Facebook, and were pleasantly surprised that we have more friends. 24: whoreoscopes Are you going to be okay during finals, or are you going to have to hook-up with someone?

Meet The Staff! Managing Editor Carly Kamp copy Editor Mike Benson Advertising Manager Michelle Lenzen distribution Manager Mike Zevin Chris Bandemier Contributing Writers John Estep | John McCombs Ken Halvachs | Sarah Langer Mandy Cleves | Grace Haka Hannah Johnson| Michelle Lenzen Michael Byrnes| Corey Gusstini Caitlin Chrzanowski | Katelyn Lilly cartoonist Alexandra Joyce

pr manager Anastasia Guletsky Abbie Welch photographer Caitlin Chrzanowski campus director Brendan Bonham owner Atish Doshi Founders Atish Doshi & Derek Chin Questions?

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Disclaimer The Booze News & The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally. Owned & Operated By: Black Card Media, LLC P.O. Box 221385 Chicago, IL 60622 217.390.1747

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Letter to the editor Dear Carl, Looking back on the past year, I feel like I haven’t accomplished much of anything at all. What’s the point? I’ve virtually wasted every day on the internet and watching television. My friends have even started telling me that I’m wasting my potential. Sincerely, Depressed Dear Debbie Downer, Wow, that is no way to look at the past year. Just remember all you have accomplished! I bet you have the best karma on reddit, and no amount of As in a class can replace that feeling. I’m sure when you do hang out with your friends that they look to you for the craziest YouTube videos that even Daniel Tosh hasn’t heard of yet. So you haven’t been laid in the past few months, whatever! That just means you don’t have any new sexually transmitted diseases. If you’ve stayed in every night this semester, just imagine all the money you’ve saved on drinks for you and your asshole friends who, let’s be honest, are constantly mooching for free cups off your pitchers. Plus, you haven’t gotten into any unnecessary bar fights – just protecting your face. You are stoic in your stay at home adventure. Quit being such a whiney bird.

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! s m a r g a n A y x Se Can you guess these hotties? Send your answers to celebs@theblacksheeponline.com The first 5 right answers win prizes!

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mark sanchez & mandy moore

Word of the week Shesuction:

Hymnal Pithy Toot

Laid Air Ma An

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Definition: When a woman convinces a man to do something through promises of oral sex. “Tara convinced Jerry to get a pedicure through the ancient art of shesuction.”

SEX

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sexolutions

Dear Diary,

Wow, what a horrible year this has been. I underwent two break-ups that led to plenty of random sex with strangers, and we both remember how weird that got. So I’ve decided to sit down and write some New Year’s Resolutions this year. But for sex. Sexolutions. For starters, no more eggs. I know, I know they’re delicious, diary, but we can’t forget the noxious gas they give me. And there’s nothing more uncomfortable than spending a night in a stranger’s bed clenching my butt cheeks all night. The cramps are just unbearable. No. More. Eggs. I’m going to be much more health conscious about my sex life. From now on I won’t hook up with a single person without having them tested first. It was a freaking miracle that my annual checkup with my lady business came back clear for everything, and I am not going to smear my currently-perfect health with any nasty STDs. All I’ll have to do is explain to the good-looking guy at a bar that he just needs to have a routine testing and then in two to three weeks, as long as he doesn’t hook up with anyone new in the mean time, we can consider getting down. Shit. Who am I kidding? I’ll just stick to my usual line, “Before we do anything, you are legally obligated to tell me if you

carly lady wrote this have any diseases I should know about. Otherwise, I can sue the shit out of you.” Of course, I have no idea if that’s true, but clearly it’s worked so far. Also, no more vegans. They’re wonderfully pretentious and all, but using my nether regions as their own juicer is pushing the envelope just a bit much for me. My hoo-ha may be as endearing as Bugs’, but that is no excuse to shove a carrot up there while whispering, “Eh, what’s up, doc?” No thank you. Diary, you know I’m a gal who enjoys getting her daily veggies, but what the hell was that. Not all the hippie passion in the world can make up for treating my crotch like his personal Pez dispenser. Set aside money for the goods. Remember how I used to get Brazilian waxes in high school, diary? Those were my glory days, and I say we find a way to work it into the budget again. I could easily give up my drunk food – two birds with one stone: lose the extra drunk weight and wear the most pristine Australian lips in town. Be less adventurous. I know it was my sexolution to be more adventurous last year, diary, but that was a huge mistake. I have seen things that I can never unsee. I’ve woken up in places I didn’t even know existed in this world. There are days where I feel like a thousand show-

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ers couldn’t wash away the things I’ve done this past year – in the past month no less. I’ve been working on my kegels and learning how to say “no.” No, I will not join you in a threesome with that homeless woman. No, I will not let you take a shot out of my Pikachu – never making that mistake again. No, I will not wear that strap-on and see what happens. Diary, help me to continue to be strong this year. Lord knows I’ll be facing plenty more temptation.

a tribute to those we lost this year John McHoneyCombs wrote this

As we look forward to 2012 let’s take a moment to remember all those who didn’t live long enough to see what the series finale of Breaking Bad has in store. The Famous Deaths Hipsters across the nation posted mournfulyet-snarky statuses on their Twitters when Steve Jobs died. The former CEO of Apple revolutionized the tech industry, but this year found out that for death: there is not an app for that. Amy Winehouse finally does not have to go back to rehab ever again. She died young, proving once again that only Mick Jagger can handle the amount of drugs that Mick Jagger does. For you sports enthusiasts, we lost Joe Fraizer, AKA: that other guy Muhammad Ali fought who isn’t George Foreman. The only thing that could make his funeral complete is if there is an announcer there who can proclaim one last time, “Down goes Fraizer! Down goes Fraizer!” Ryan Dunn, or, “That guy on Jackass who isn’t Johnny Knoxville, Bam Margera or the midget,” died this year. He didn’t finish the “see if you can fit a whole tree in your face” gag. Given his line of work I’d say Ryan Dunn actually lived five times as long as a normal human being should have. The Lesser-Known Deaths Stoners everywhere need to shed a tear for Arch West, the inventor of Doritos. Not only did he invent Doritos, but he also pioneered the use of jeans as a makeshift napkin after eating Doritos. His family sprinkled Doritos on his grave when he was buried while someone simultaneously poured out a Mountain Dew after a late night session of playing Tony Hawk. Any true fan of WWF (it’ll always be WWF to us) in the nineties remembers the “Macho Man” Randy Savage. Unfortunately he died in Florida before he could show people like John Cena what real wrasslin’ was all about. Like Ryan Dunn, his life lasted three or four times longer than it should have.

As a stand-up comedian, I take it seriously when one of our greats has died. That’s what happened when Patrice O’Neal kicked the bucket. Most of you may remember him as the other black guy in the warehouse on The Office and the man who looked pissed off to even be at the Roast of Charlie Sheen. He developed diabetes late in his life, so we never even got to see him get the chance to perform with only one leg. It would have been an odd form of stand-up comedy. The Assholes Osama bin Laden gave game producers a new type of person besides Nazis and zombies that everyone agreed it was okay to kill. He was the Hitler to our FDR, the Stalin to our Eisenhower, and the Cobra Commander to our GI Joe. While I’m ecstatic he’s gone, we probably won’t see another nemesis truly as hated as him for a while. I still won’t be satisfied until we get our “bin Laden’s mansion” mission in the next Call of Duty.

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Muammar Gaddafi was a complete dick, no doubt. However, he just wasn’t quite evil enough to generate too much support against him. He was not as bad as Saddam Hussein and nowhere near as evil as Osama bin Laden. He did provide for a very good snuff film for those that want to see him being fornicated by a knife. This last guy is true evil. This man’s voice alone was enough to send shivers down my spine. Some of you already know who I’m referring to: Andy Rooney. His segment on 60 Minutes was basically like giving any old man with a yard and a disdain for children running across it an audience. You know how old people never shut up about how the younger generation sucks? For whatever reason, someone thought America would like to watch that on television. Sayonara, you old bastard. I don’t know about anyone else, but I for one am looking forward to see what other expired goods we’ll be throwing out next year. Our prediction: Andy Dick and whoever wins Marshmallow Peeps eating contest out in Sacramento.

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illinois football wins the war Most people are under the impression that the Illinois football team was disappointing this season. Coming on strong by winning their first six regular season games, the team sparked hope in drunken college students and overweight couch-potato alumni everywhere. However, in a sharp turn of events Illini football couldn’t pull off a successful season, dropping six in a row, causing more fans to become interested in pre-gaming Illini football than attending the games themselves. What fans weren’t aware of was that the sharp-thinking and strategic planning of the Illinois football players managed to pull of the greatest win of the season: Finally getting Ron Zook fired. That’s right, it took the team having to pull off the first ever NCAA Division I 6-0 to 0-6 swing to finally get Illinois’ Athletic Director, Michael Thomas, to bring the hammer down on the head coach. While the team may have lost several battles (50 out of their last 84), their durability and perseverance led to winning the war they’ve been waging against Zook since he came crawling to us in 2005 after his failure as Florida’s head coach. It seemed like a fantastic idea at the time. The team needed a strong recruiter. Zook was allegedly one of those. The fact that he lauded himself as a special teams coach without ever managing to successfully recruit a decent punter never dissuaded him from believing so either. Thomas’ only regret about firing Zook was that he didn’t do it at halftime during the Minnesota game, even if just to prove that having no coach would lead to more success than Zook. Speaking of not having a head coach, a few of the candidates who have been determined to be better qualified than Zook have been revealed: anyone who has ever attended a pee-wee football game, the golden

retriever from Air Bud, and a confused, French immigrant soccer coach. As for where Zook will be able to find a job in today’s economy, it appears that the Pizza Hut on Green Street is currently hiring, and we wish Zook the best of luck in his new, exciting career: pizza deliverer. That being said, unless Zook took his $1.5 million a year salary and put it through a paper shredder, he should be able to keep his career afloat until the coach of some small-town high school who has never won a single game has a mental breakdown and takes the lives of his assistant coaches, the fathers of every boy on the team, the water boy, and himself, leaving Zook a slim chance at a job opportunity. Now that he’s gone, let’s try to not remember Zook for his faults, like making calls without any regard for what was happening in the game or admitting to having no idea what the score was at one point. Let’s try and remember what he accomplished. For instance, he never got arrested for a DWI. Never has he been convicted of murdering his wife or any other family members. Also, never did he witness a 10-year-old boy being raped by his assistant coach, and fail to report it to the police. With winning qualities like this, maybe Zook stands a chance at getting a job. Then again, he did let the hundredth ranked team in the country kick our ass 27-7 a week ago. Let’s tip our hats to the Fighting Illini for their most mediocre triumph since their victory at the Texas Bowl. Maybe next year they’ll strive for real accomplishments, like winning a bowl game that we have actually heard of, or at least ending their regular season above .500. For now, let’s take what we can get.

07 ken halvachs wrote this

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"Oh No He Didn’t!”

Fashion No’s for Winter Bros lenz wrote this With the changing of seasons comes the changing of wardrobes. Unfortunately, not everyone realizes what this whole “wardrobe change” entails. Some boys get confused by the weather transition and may become distraught over how to choose the right article of clothing to combat the cold. The savvy ones will opt for hipster cardigans and festive scarves, while the more unfortunate ones end up converting their summer numbers into winter fashion fails. It’s great to “do you” and wear what makes you happy, but there are some things that just isn’t right. Adidas slip ons with socks: Yikes, not going to dabble in the nitty gritty with the whole “socks and sandals” stereotype, but come on boys, there is nothing manly or appealing about showing your dingy white socks to the world via peep show sandals. How are you supposed to convince ladies you’re a big strong man that can keep them warm by the fire when you’re rocking flirty summer sandals and tube socks? Perhaps you can replace them with something a little burlier; I don’t know… maybe a nice pair of Timberlands? Those are nice and don’t make you look like a drug dealer. Shorts: You know what’s even worse than boys that wear shorts in the winter? Boys that try to convince you that they like wearing shorts in the winter. Stop it right now, no you don’t. That is not fun for you. Sure, us girls go out in dresses at night, but that’s only because our future is at stake. We are out to attract mates, what’s your rationale? Chilly air on the calves is not tight. Maybe you should get those pants that have the zip-off bottoms so you can convert them to shorts in the comfort of your own home. Please spare us the winter calf sightings. Flannel pajama pants: Hehe, yippee! Flannel pajama pants are so fun when you get them from your mummy for Christmas! Wear them to bed and it’s super cute. Wear them out in public and you’re making people want to vomit. Here’s the thing, little boys in pajama pants are adorable; grown men in pajama pants are disturbing. Looking raggedy and smelly takes you down into the negatives on the attractive scale. If you want to go comfort, throw on

some sweat pants, the sporty and acceptable alternative. Tight Turtlenecks: You know what, sometimes turtlenecks can be cool. Hey, they worked well for Steve Jobs and Carl Sagan. However, they can also become very, very scary if you can’t pull them off. If you choose the wrong style, you quickly go from winter sexy to awkward chode. Look out for the really thin sweaters or ones with extra-long necks. No one wants to see you looking like a suffocating Yertle. If you’re unsure, maybe you should just save it for your family parties or somewhere with an elderly crowd to appreciate the attempt. Trapper Hat: Get to a computer right now and Google search, “trapper hat.” Every single person in the image results looks like a fucking idiot. I know that it’s important to keep your head warm in the winter, but a smarter choice for head protection than a trapper hat would be anything that doesn’t so closely resemble a dead animal carcass on your head. Listen boys, we’re not asking you to be male fashionistas this winter. We just appreciate a little decency in the wardrobe department, hear us out. When in doubt, throw the flannel PJs out. Thanks.

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From 'da Streets

Johnny Freshman’s First All-Nighter

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What is your most embarrassing drinking story?

kitty kat wrote this Oh little, naïve Johnny Freshman. Trying so hard to run with the big dogs, when he’s such a small, pathetic pup. Tonight he plans on pulling his first college all-nighter to study for his chemistry final in the morning. Poor guy has no idea what’s in store for him, especially when his partying roommate, Peter Pledge, comes back late with a few beers to spare.

“I was grinding on this hot guy at Joe’s and I fell on my ass and my American flag of a dress flipped up over my face.” - Breanna, Sophomore

6:00 p.m.: Walking back from the IKE with a few guys from my floor. This is the first Thursday night since school started that I won’t be joining them out at the bars. I have my first final in the morning. Chemistry, 8 a.m. Definitely not liking the asshole who scheduled that one. I decided to pull my first all-nighter of the semester. I mean, whenever I go out, I usually don’t get home till like 4 a.m. anyway, so this should be easy. 7:00 p.m.: I don’t really know where to begin. It’s not like I’ve ever studied before. The final covers all thirteen chapters. I stopped going to lecture and discussion after the first week, so it looks like I have a lot of ground to cover. Maybe I should make flash cards. A lot of nerds do it. It could help. 7:01 p.m.: What the fuck is an electron? 9:00 p.m.: Alright, I’m done with the first chapter. I deserve a study break and I still have a lot of time to kill. Looks like I’m bringing out the XBOX, baby! Dude, I could totally prestige tonight on Modern Warfare 3.

es stand in a circle blindfolded, singing “Hells Bells” at the top of their lungs for a few hours while all the guys threw beer cans and dip spit at them. That’s exactly why I stayed out of that whole scene. Fuck authority, man. I don’t take none of that.

“So me and three other people ran through the Quad wearing, let’s just say, not the appropriate amount of clothing.” - Dylan, Sophomore

3:00 a.m.: I’m on number six of the Nattys Peter smuggled home from the frat. My chemistry book got pushed somewhere under my bed, but I’m not too worried. I got through the first three chapters. That’s like, the basic stuff. From there I can just kinda work out the equations. I should be able to figure it out. Plus it’s multiple choice so I’m not too concerned.

"but wait, south park re-runs are on! Sweet. i'll put this on for some background noise."

11:15 p.m.: Damn, two hours went by pretty quick. Alright, I should probably get back to this studying thing. Chapter two. My hand really hurt after those note cards last time. Maybe I’ll just skim the chapters. That should be good enough. Aren’t you supposed to use like a highlighter or something? I bet the more I highlight on the page, the better I’ll remember everything ... 12:00 a.m.: I’ve been studying since like, seven o’clock. That’s like … a whole four hours or something. I need a snack. Thank God Jimmy John’s is still open. I want seven of everything. 12:20 a.m.: I don’t know what’s faster: how quick they delivered or how fast I ate. Ok, chapter three. But wait, South Park re-runs are on! Sweet. I’ll put this on for some background noise. 1:30 a.m.: My roommate Peter just got home. He’s pledging some Alpha Gamma Sig-Beta-Phi frat or whatever it is. He told me that tonight they made all the pledg-

4:00 a.m.: So Peter convinced me to go visit some of the girls down the hall with him. He’s trying to get it in with that one blonde girl with the nice rack. I really deserve a break. I’ve been busting my ass for this exam. I can’t believe I have a whole ‘nother week of this. 5:00 a.m.: I somehow made it back to my room in one piece. The girls were still up taking shots for some odd reason, and I obviously joined them. I spilled one of my beers over the few flashcards I made, and I’m pretty sure Pete pissed on my textbook, which kind of ruined all the yellow highlighting I worked on. Oh well. It’s not like I’m ever going to need this stuff. You don’t need to know chemistry for a biology degree, right? Fucking cumulative final. 7:59 a.m.: Just woke up. Oh shit.

“I came home from a night of fun and puked on my roommate’s bed and he was too drunk to even notice.” - Patrick, Sophomore

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SHOUT OUTS!

is central illinois becoming... cool? cleves wrote this After going to school in Champaign for three and a half years and having lived in Illinois my entire life, I know that the Midwestern lifestyle isn’t the most glamorous thing in the world. I mean, come on, barn dances are like the P. Diddy mansion parties of east-central Illinois in the minds of U of I students. So many of my friends and relatives who live in places like Los Angeles and Miami gloat about how much there is to do and see, how amazing the scenery is, all the celebrity sightings, yadda, yadda. Think about all of your favorite TV shows. You don’t see the cast of Friends hanging out at the old Espresso Royale on 6th and Daniel, do you? And I’m pretty sure no one would ever watch a show called It’s Always Sunny in Decatur, IL. Chicago steals any kind of thunder that the state of Illinois could possibly have. Sorry, Springfield, but no one cares about the Lincoln Presidential Library and Museum anymore. But you know what? We’re totally cool with being one of the lamest areas in the country. We’ve embraced the fact that we’re surrounded by virtually endless, corncovered flat land. We’re cool with everyone else thinking that we’re all just a bunch of simple-minded farming folk. We’ve even come to terms with fact that there is pretty much only one month of the year when the weather is nice. Not tolerable, nice. All of these things make us different, and cause us Central Illinoisans to unite together into one big happy family, a family that’s not caught up in all of the glitz and the glam that come from living anywhere else. We’re modest, and we enjoy not being famous for anything! However, I nearly choked on my pork rinds when I was watching an episode of Community the other day (streaming is better than studying, right?), and all of the sudden heard the words “Urbana-Champaign” come out of a transsexual’s mouth. What? Was Urbana-Champaign just acknowledged on a nationally-aired show? This must be some sort of strange coincidence. I’m just going to assume that Urbana-Champaign is a popular name among trannies. But then I learned that Normal, IL, also known as Cham-

paign’s less popular and less cool little brother, has also gotten national recognition. This random town is in a national car commercial, The Rum Diary, AND has been the setting of two True Life episodes. Normal, IL? Really? Her? The town where the biggest attraction is the Children’s Discovery Museum? I don’t believe this... Then I thought, “Wait a minute...is the Midwestern lifestyle, particularly the random places smack dab in the middle of Illinois, becoming a trend in pop culture? And not just in pop culture, but in sports, too?” Apparently a random businessman from Urbana comes out of nowhere and just decides to buy the Jacksonville Jaguars for $760 million. What’s up with that? I don’t know about you guys, but I don’t like it. Not to sound like an angry hipster or anything, but, well, we were cool before the Midwest became cool! Ok, so that’s exactly something that an angry hipster would say, but it’s true. Not even five years ago, if you were to travel to New York or L.A. and tell someone there that you go to school in Central Illinois, they either would a.) Not even known what that means b.) Laugh in your face or c.) Look concerned, then hug you and say, “Aw, I’m sorry.” But you would be okay with that, because you would know that back home in Illinois you’d be reunited with your simple, not-stuck-up friends. If the Midwest starts to become popular in movies, music, TV and sports, soon enough everyone who lives in the Midwest will start to become the stuck-up ones! People from all over the country will start flocking toward Central Illinois because it will soon be the new “happenin” place to live! Our precious reputation of being lame and boring will be ruined! Okay, so maybe I’m being dramatic. I highly doubt that places like Champaign and Normal will become extremely popular anytime in the near future. There’s still basically nothing to do here but get drunk and wake up in a cornfield. Naked. But I still think it’s strange when we’re acknowledged in various aspects of pop culture. Who knows, maybe our next football coach will be someone famous like Gary Busey or that kid from Boy Meets World. In the meantime, I’m just gonna keep living the simple life that wonderful Central Illinois provides me.

happy 21st- miles & krista. let's hope finals week doesn't get in the way of your regular blackouts. love yaaaa- kath, kay & court MTD, We have safe rides at night, but the school should really invest in shame rides in the morning. Bre - you ready for another pole contest Fri? -Maggie Red hatted biker who I "nudged" with my car door while driving...you deserved it...get out of my lane fool! Second story pizza, or whatever you are called now, Thank you for not calling the cops when my friend and I pissed in your trash can like the true ladies we are. And thank you for not putting it on Youtube as well. Keitho Burrito you smell like dying rats...shower please. Cara, puking in the garbage can and then leaving it there for the weekend isn't cool...hope you like the surprise in your toilet. Love Jess New drinking game: Drink anytime you see a girl's outfit ruined by a pair of Uggs... ready...go! So chris...that was it? A whole semester of chasing and 75 seconds of "pleasure town"... come on...HM SEND IN YOUR BEST SHOUT OUT TO SHOUT@theblacksheeponline.com or upload them at theblacksheeponline.com

50% Off Joe's NYE Party! 50% Off massages ($15 for 30min, $30 for hour) Live NOW! Live NOW! Live NOW! campusf lock.com The Bar Grid Page 1 of 3

SPECIAL NIGHT

Xtended Xmas (12/7-12-10) WED: Free Wings! TH: White Out Party! FRI: Ugly Sweater Contest! SAT: Meet Santa!

Tuesday 12/13): PIANO MAN AUDITIONS! Come out and help us select a new Piano Man! $3 Real Long Island Iced Teas

Clybourne NYE 2012 Tickets on Sale Now! $1 U CALL IT $2 Red Bull Vodkas Live DJ & Champagne Toast Discounted Tix Available Now! www.TheClybourne.com

SUNDAY: Trivia Night - 7PM! $1 Miller Lite Drafts $1 Miller High Life Drafts $2 Bushmills Shots $3 Red Bull Vodkas

SATURDAY: UFC LIVE at 8PM $2 Domestic Drafts & Bottles

WED 12/07

15¢ wings 8pm ‘til they’re gone Original, Hot, Spicy Garlic, Hawaiian BBQ $1.50 Miller High Life bottles $2 Flavored Long Islands $2 Jäger Bombs (minis)

312 VIBE NIGHT on WOMPDOWN WEDNESDAY $3 20oz Mug Refills! $1 Cover

12 Days of Christmas-Night #3 Everyday we will add a special until we have 12 Specials for $2! $2 BUD LIGHT BOTTLES $2 BACARDI - $2 UV VODKA

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long!

$2 Bombs, $4 Ice Bombs $1.50 Old Style Drafts $2.00 Domestic Bottles $4 Domestic Pitchers Live DJ 9pm-close No Cover w/ i-card

THURS 12/08

$1 Wells $2 SoCo Lime Shots $2.50 Jack/SoCo/Tuaca $3 Long Islands $4 Domestic Pitchers

ST. JIMMY Tribute to GREEN DAY

12 Days of Christmas Night #4 $2 Goose Island 312 Bottles $2 BL Bottles - $2 Bacardi $2 UV Vodka

Santah Live! 10:30 - Easter 11:30 - Santah

It's Real DJs & Big City Nightlife At Fat City! $1 PBR Drafts, $2 Domestic Bottles & Drafts, $2 Wells

FRI 12/09

$1 Cherry & “O” Bombs $2 Jäger Bombs, $2 Wells $2.50 Miller & Coors Lt. Bottles $3 Three Olives Mixers $3 Signature Shots $7 ALL Domestic Pitchers

TRIPLE OT BUCK (Country) with GABE MARSHALL

Need to book a holiday party, or something for the spring? Give us a call!

All You Can Eat Walleye $7.95 $2.00 Bud & Bud Light Cans

SAT 12/10

$1 Cherry & “O” Bombs $2 Jäger Bombs, $2 Wells $3 Bacardi Mixers $3 Signature Shots $7 Domestic Pitchers

MAKE IT RAIN: MALI WATER WOMPFEST featuring POSITIVE VIBR8IONS, WHITE RABBIT and more!

12 Days of Christmas Night #6 $2 JAGER BOMBS $2 ABSOLUT - BACARDI 312 & Bud Light Bottles $2 UV VODKA

That's No Moon Show Starts at 10PM!

UFC LIVE at 8PM $2 Domestic Drafts & Bottles

Big Dave's Trivia Night - 7PM! $1 Miller Lite Drafts $1 Miller High Life Drafts $2 Bushmills Shots $3 Red Bull Vodkas

NFL Sunday Ticket $2 Domestics $3 Bloody Marys

Book Your Next Party Here!

1/2 Price Appetizers 4-7pm $1.50 Old Style Pints Free Shuttle to ALL Illini Basketball Games!

Open Mic Night Inside Stage

$2 Tuesday 2 tacos for $2 $2 Margaritas $2 Wells and $2 Pints Karaoke!

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long!

$2 Bombs, $4 Ice Bombs $1.50 Old Style Drafts $2.00 Domestic Bottles $4 Domestic Pitchers Live DJ 9pm-close No Cover w/ i-card

Happy Hour Food Special $3 Burgers, $5 Wings & Fries Twelve Days of Christmas Night #5 $2 ABSOLUT VODKA Bud & Absolut Christmas Party MEET SANTA & Get Presents! 11pm- Santa will be handing out lots of gifts including $400 in Best Buy Gift Cards!

SUN 12/11

Closed

Clybourne NYE 2012 Tickets on Sale Now! $1 U CALL IT $2 Red Bull Vodkas Live DJ & Champagne Toast Discounted Tickets Available! Go to www.TheClybourne.com

MON 12/12

Pub Quiz Starts @ 8pm $1 Wells $2 Long Islands $4 Bud & Bud Light Pitchers

$1 WILD MONDAYS Live Music! No Cover! $1 Beers and $1 Wells

12 Days of Christmas Night #7 $2 SoCo Drinks & Shots

TUES 12/13

“Taco Tuesday” Starts at 7pm $3 Cover for All-U-Can-Eat Tacos $2 wells $3 Miller Lite & Coors Light “Tall boys” $3 Tequila Sunrise, $3 Margaritas

PIANO MAN AUDITIONS! Come out and help us select a new Piano Man! $3 Real Long Island Iced Teas

12 Days of Christmas- Night #8 $2 Jim Beam plus 7 Other Specials and WINE NIGHT! $8 Bottles of Wine & Champagne

WED 12/14

15¢ wings 8pm ‘til they’re gone Original, Hot, Spicy Garlic, Hawaiian BBQ $1.50 Miller High Life bottles $2 Flavored Long Islands $2 Jäger Bombs (minis)

12 Days of Christmas- Night #9 312 VIBE NIGHT on $2 JACK DANIELS! WOMPDOWN WEDNESDAY Plus Absolut-Bacardi-SoCo $3 20oz Mug Refills! Bud-Goose 312- Beam $1 Cover JAGER BOMBS - UV

The Greatest Gift You Could Receive.

If we could wrap up your own theater room and fitness center and stick it under the tree, we would.

WE’RE PET FRIEND LY!

OH, WE’RE JUST GETTING STARTED. Amazing Location. Theater Room. Club Room. Two-Story Wireless Atrium Lounge. Bicycle and Scooter Storage. Convenient Grocery Store. Fully-furnished Apartments. Fitness Center. Tanning.

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217.239.2310 | burnham310.com | 310 E. Springfield

Greystar Illinois Management, LLC

Green Street Café 35 E. Green Street

SPECIAL NIGHT

$2 Red Headed Sluts $3 Sky Vodka U-Call It Celebrate the end of your first final by grinding on some poles...

WED 12/07

1/2 Price Burgers $2 Blue Moons $2 Woodchucks $4 Cups of Shots

THURS 12/08

DJ Ollie $3 Top Shelf Free Entry w/ Student ID Before 11p

FRI 12/09

$3 Sweet Tea Vodka $3 Any Draft

Hawks vs Islanders 6pm Steelers vs Browns 7pm $2 SVEDKA, $2 JIM BEAM $2 BUD LIGHT BOTTLES $6 NATTY LIGHT BOTTLE BUCKETS

$5 Bud Light 40's $3 Jager Bombs $3 Absolut & Jameson

$3 Strong Islands $4 Double Vodka Wells

$2 Miller Bottles $3 Dr's Shots $3 Captian & Coke $4 Oh Yeah's

$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy’s $5.50 Jager Bombs

DJ Delayney $5 Double Wells Free Entry w/ Student ID Before 11p

SAT 12/10

Undefeated Illini @ 8 Don't know what to drink...give the Wheel of Destiny a spin

Bud & Absolut Christmas Party MEET SANTA & Get Presents! 11pm- Santa will be handing out lots of wrapped gifts including $400 in Best Buy Gift Cards!

$3 Wells $4 Top Shelf $4 Double Whisky Wells

$2 Domestic Bottles $3 Dr's Shots $3 Bacardi Drinks $4 Oh Yeah's

Need a Study Break? We Got You Covered.

Two Ton Heavy Thing Doors Open at 7PM CD Release Show!

1/2 Price Burger = Perfect Study Break Free WiFi $2 Jager Barrels

SUN 12/11

Coyote Ugly Night $3 Double Wells $3 Jack Drinks $3 Jager Bombs

ILLINI GAMEDAY Bears vs Broncos 3pm $2 EVERYTHING IN THE HOUSE $3.99 for 10 Firehaus Wings $10 Natty Light Hydrants 7pm #24 ILLINI vs Coppin State

$2 U-Call-It $3 Top Shelf $6 Late Night Food Specials

$1 Miller Lights $2 Well Drinks $3 Call Drinks $4 Signature Drink

NFL ALL DAY! $3 Vodka Red Bulls $5 Coors Light & Miller Light Pitchers

Book Your Next Party Here! Email us at highdive.gm@gmail.com

Open @ 11 for lunch Best Tebow Contest @ 3pm Win a trip to vegas

MON 12/12

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi & Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

GAMEDAY at 8PM #24 ILLINI vs St. Bonaventure $1 SHOTS $2 UV Vodka $3 Jack Daniels Firehaus Glass Mug Night

Hawks vs Coyotes 7pm MNF: Jags vs Chargers 7PM $1 DRAFTS $10 Hydrants of Natty Light $1 Silver Tequila Shots 1/2 Priced Appetizers (4-10)

$.50 Pizza Slices (8pm to Midnight) $8 Pizza & a Pitcher $4 Pitchers $3 Double Spiced Rum Wells $6 Late Night Food Specials

$1 Draft Refills, Miller and Bud light $2 Rum and Coke's $3 Rumplemintz $4 Strong Islands

$3 Jameson $2 Coors Light and Miller Light Draft

80s Night With DJ Mingram $1.50 Wells and Domestic Bottles NO COVER

Last MNJ of the semester 1/2 Price Sandwiches $2 Purp Kazes

TUES 12/13

Sunday Funday Bears vs. Tebow @ 3 Vegas giveaway @ 5 Hawks @ 6 Illini BBall @ 7

$2.99 Cheeseburger and Chips from 4pm-10pm $2 Wells $2 Pinnacle Whipped Drinks $6 SHARKBOWLS Phoenix vs Hawks 8pm

$1 Chicken Strips & $.50 Wings (8pm to Midnight) $2 Tequila Shots $3 Double Vodka Wells $4 Patron $6 Late Night Food Specials

Karaoke Night $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Dbl Vodka/RB $3 Marky Bomb's $4 Peach Long Beaches

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells

$1 U CALL IT DJ A-Ron

WED 12/14

Bus Transportation from Campus to Downtown @ Wright and Daniel Monday - Saturday at 10:00, 10:30, 11:00

New Years Eve $1 U CALL IT Live DJ - Champagne Countdown to Midnight Early Bird Tickets for $20 www.FirehausBar.com

$1 SHOTS - $2 UV Vodka $3 Jack Daniels Bud Mug Night - You Keep the Firehaus Mug $2 Bud Light 25oz Refill

Karaoke Bomb Night $2.50 Ice Bombs $3 Jager& Vegas Bombs $4 Bacardi& Car Bombs $6 Late Night Food Specials

Open Mic Night $2.50 Corona's $2.50 Jager Bombs $3 Strong Islands $4 Oh Yeah's $4 ICB's

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi & Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

Coyote Ugly Night $3 Double Wells $3 Jack Drinks $3 Jager Bombs

EVERY DAY: $1 Kamikazes $1.25 High Life Drafts $3 Jager Bombs $5 Pitchers of High Life Karaoke Bomb Night $2.50 Ice Bombs $3 Jager& Vegas Bombs $4 Bacardi& Car Bombs $6 Late Night Food Specials Live Band & Open Mic Night! $1 Miller Lite Bottles $3 Double Rum Wells $6 Late Night Food Specials

$6 Late Night Food Specials

1/2 Price Hookahs at GSC2

MONDAY: $3 Jameson Special Night $2 Coors Light and Free Pool Fromand ½ off all Hookah’s (at GSC2) from 6-8 every day. Happy Hour $1 off all Appetizers Miller Light Draft 6-8 Daily Free pool during happy hour!!! 35 E. Green Street

Open Mic Night $2.50 Corona's $2.50 Jager Bombs OPEN MIC Night $3 Strong Islands $2.50 $4Corona Oh Yeah's $2.50 Jager $4Bombs ICB's Wednesday

$3 Strong Islands

$3.50 Miller Light and Bud Light 60oz pitchers $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Cherry Bombs $4 ICB’s

1/2 Price Burgers til 9pm 8th Grade Dance Special Christmas Edition Done with Finals?...us too! Hawks @ 6:30 $3 Jager Bombs

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FREE TANNING BEDS, INDOOR BASKETBALL, FITNESS CENTER, AND A DOG PARK... WHAT MORE DO YOU NEED?

• Resort-style pool • Free tanning beds • Fitness center • On-site maintenance

• Washer/dryer • Pet friendly • Individual bathrooms • Shuttle to/from campus

2001 Moreland Blvd | (217) 344-8800 | uvchampaign.com

The BarGrid Page 3 of 3

KAM'S DOWNTOWN

Reading Day Eve No School on Thursday! DJs Milk n Cookies $2 Wild Turkey $2 American Honey $2 Bud Light Bottles

White Horse Karaoke! $7.50 Rum and Coke Pitchers

WED 12/07

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

Party with the Bacardi Girls! $2.50 Bacardi Drinks $1.50 Bud U Call It Drafts and Bottles Illini Basketball at 8PM!

School of Beer No Cover

LOGO GLASS DAY! $5.00 Pitchers of Hamm's/PBR $2.00 Skyy Vodka Singles $4.00 Wild Turkey Doubles $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Burst Shots

$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors

KLUB KAM'S w/ DJ John Han $3.50 UV & BAM $2 Lite Bottles $1 MHL Bottles $3 Revel Stoke All Energy Music!

Mustache Night Get your limited edition mustache glass No Cover

$2.00 Specialty Pints $2.00 Specialty Bottles $6.50 Killians and Leine Pitchers $2.25 Jim Beam Singles $4.50 Bacardi and Mailbu Dbls $2.50 Rum Chata Shots $2.50 Dr. McGillicuddy Shots

SHACKER NIGHT $2 Bud Family Bottles $2 UV Vodka $3 SoCo Lime Shots $5 24oz UV Shackers $6 Red Bull Super Shackers

$7.50 Whiskey Coke Pitchers $3 Jim Beam $3 Jack Daniels

Sailor Jerry Party! $2 Spiced Rum Drinks $2.75 24oz Lite Cans

$2 Miller Light Bottles $4 Double Amaretto $4 Double Malibu No Cover

$2.00 Killians and Leine Pints $7.00 Bud, Bud Light, Coor's Light, and Miller Lite Pitchers $4.50 Wild Turkey and Skyy Vodka Doubles $2.50 Murphy's Pub Irish Stout Pints $2.50 Rum Chata Shots $2.50 Burst Shots

Open at 5pm $1 Fatty Natty Bottles

$7.50 Margarita Pitchers $2 Coronas No Cover!

BACARDI CLAUS! $2 Bacardi Drinks 10 BIG Gifts! Santa's Sexy Elves!

$2 Coors Lights $2.50 Breakfast Shots No Cover

$5.50 Mushroom MEGA Ch. Burger with Fresh Cut Fries $2.00 Bud, Bud Light, Coor's Light, and Miller Lite Pints $2.50 Murphy's Pub Irish Stout Pints $7.00 Killians and Leinenkugel Pitchers $4.50 Jim Beam, Bacardi, & Malibu Dbl$2.50 Rum Chata Shots $2.50 Dr. McGillicuddy Shots

Bud & Absolut Christmas Party MEET SANTA & Get Presents! 11pm: Santa will be handing out lots of wrapped gifts including $400 in Best Buy Gift Cards!

$2.50 U Call It $3 Jaeger Bombs

Red Lion NYE 2012 $1 U CALL IT Live DJ - Champagne Toast Party Favors & Much More! Tickets are Selling Fast! RedLionChampaign.com

Closed

SUN 12/11

TUESDAY: DAS BOOT! $5 Refills ANY DRAFT!

$1 U CALL ITS! Top Shelf Bar, Free Apps, Party Favors & MORE!

SAT 12/10

Red Lion NYE 2012 $1 U CALL IT Live DJ - Champagne Toast Party Favors & Much More! Tickets are Selling Fast! RedLionChampaign.com

FRI & SAT: $10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

FRI 12/09

WED: LOGO GLASS DAY! $5.00 Pitchers of Hamm's or PBR $2.00 Skyy Vodka Singles $4.00 Wild Turkey Doubles $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Burst Shots

THURS 12/08

MONDAY: "Beer Lovers Night" $ 2 Domestic Btls. & Drafts $ 3 Import and Specialty Btls. & Drafts

SPECIAL NIGHT

NYE at KAMS!

$10 Large Pizzas after 10pm $5 22oz Illini Mug, $3 Refills During Illini Games! $10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

Tickets on Sale Now!

Come Watch Some Games! $2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells

ILLINI BASKETBALL 7PM $1 Fatty Bottles $2 Pitchers

$3 Any Draft $2.50 Coronas

$2.00 Specialty Pints & Bottles $5.50 Bud, Bud Light, Coor's Light, and Miller Lite Pitchers $2.00 Well Singles $4.00 Sobieski Vodka and Sweet Tea Vodka Doubles $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Burst Shots

$1.50 High Life Drafts!

MNK w/ Celeb DJ! Monday Night Kams! $1 Bottles and Wells $3 Pitchers

"Beer Lovers Night" $ 2 Domestic Btls. & Drafts $ 3 Import and Specialty Btls. & Drafts

$1.75 Domestic Pints $2.75 Premium Pints $2.00 Manager's Special $4.00 Wild Turkey and Skyy Vodka Doubles

$1 U CALL ITS $2 Red Bull Vodkas $3 Bud Light Pitchers

Monday Night Football! Euchre Tournament! $1 Miller Lite $ Coors Light Pints

MON 12/12

1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool and Miller Lite Drafts ALL DAY LONG and 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 6pm)

Country Night $3.50 Double Jim Beam $4.50 Double Pucker $1.50 Lite Drafts

Ride the Rail No Cover

$6.00 Hamm's Logo Pitcher $4.00 Refills $2.00 Sobieski Vodka Singles $4.00 Well Doubles $2.00 Oldstyle and Schlitz Tall Boys and Natty Fatties $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Dr. McGillicuddy Shots

BARN DANCE TUESDAYS! Live DJ Playing Country Music $1.50 FATTY NATTY BOTTLES $2 Wild Turkey Whiskey $2 American Honey Lemonades $2 Malibu Rum

DAS BOOT! $5 Refills ANY DRAFT!

TUES 12/13

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

Party with the Bacardi Girls! $2.50 Bacardi Drinks $1.50 Bud U Call It Drafts and Bottles

School of Beer No Cover

LOGO GLASS DAY! $5.00 Pitchers of Hamm's/PBR $2.00 Skyy Vodka Singles $4.00 Wild Turkey Doubles $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Burst Shots

PITCHER NIGHT! $2 Pitchers $5 Well Pitchers

White Horse Karaoke! $7.50 Rum and Coke Pitchers

WED 12/14

FEELING STRESSED ABOUT FINALS?

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Week

of the

Chloe M.

The high dive

Major: Advertising and other amazing things. Relationship Status: In a relationship. Favorite Drink? Whiskey Coke. What celebrity would you most like to punch? Kim Kardashian, bitch! Best place to hook up? Foellinger. So hot. What cartoon character would you hook up with? Twister from Rocket Power. Where did you lose your virginity? In my basement. How’d you get a job here? Made out with a DJ. What’s the most embarrassing thing you’ve had happen to you on the job? Blacked out and grinded on the bar top with my manager. When you looked in the mirror this morning, what was the first thing you thought? DAMN! HOTTIE! If you could be any alcohol, what would you be and why? Whiskey. ‘Nuf Said. Have you ever been drunk when you probably shouldn’t have been? Going to see my grandma drunk was a bad idea.

drinking game:

the fame name game

You’re one of those turds who constantly points out obscure actors in movies and wins every obnoxious six degrees of separation game. Boy, are you in luck. What You'll Need: Friends and alcohol and the IMDB app on your phone wouldn’t hurt. Number of Players: 2 or more, so no pressure if you don’t have a lot of friends. Intoxication Level: You’ll party like a rock star, so you’ll have a hangover like one without all the nice prescription drugs to help in the morning. How to play: - Circle up with your pals. - One person begins the game by saying the name of someone famous. Could be a movie star, singer, dead president, or captain of a cereal. Doesn’t matter as long as he has celebrity enough to be recognized by the group. - The next person in the circle must now come up with a celebrity whose name begins with the last letter of the previous celebrity’s name. Jack Black -> Kevin Bacon -> Nat King Cole, etc. - If someone initiates a Double Letter Celebrity then the game must continue on with the pattern. For example: Jeff Bridges-> Summer Sanders -> Sarah Silverman -> Nick Nolte, etc. - A player is declared the loser when they cannot name a name to continue the circle of fame. - Loser must take a shot and begin the next round. - Rinse and repeat. The Game Ends When: Gary Busey shows up to your party. That’s when you know shit has gotten out of control.

thirsty for more? theblacksheeponline.com/drinkage

Christopher K. Soma

Major: Kinesiology. Relationship status: Taken. Biggest turn on? WOMAN!!! Who was the last person you fantasized about? The hot Booze News chick who asked me to do this. Favorite sex toy? Fleshlight. Who would you rather take body shots off of - Charlie’s Angels or the Spice Girls? Charlie’s Angels. They are cleaner, right? What is one sex position you have always wanted to try? I just make it up as I go. One question you don’t want me to ask right now? Why aren’t you working, lazy ass? Porn Name: Ernie Paradise Blondes or Brunettes? Why not both? Favorite movie quote? “Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue.” What is the creepiest thing a customer has said to you while bartending? Hey do you want to be the Bartender of the Week? What is one talent most people don’t know that you have? I lack a gag reflex. Finish the sentence: “The last time I had sex it was…” loving, romantic, and tear inducing.

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Review

THE

PAGE

BOOZE REVIEW

Fulton’s Harvest Pumpkin Pie Cream Liqueur B+ Overview The holidays are upon us; pumpkins are plentiful so of course people are all about making pumpkin-flavored alcohol. Well, pumpkin pie-flavored alcohol. I’ve never cracked open a pumpkin and started chomping on its innards, but I imagine that would be disgusting. History Shortly after the first Thanksgiving, the Pilgrims were bored as hell. They went ahead and made a buttload of pumpkin pies, but after eating so many pumpkin pies, you get pretty fricken sick of pumpkin pie. After some time the pumpkin pies were sitting out so long they began to ferment. It was a Thanksgiving miracle! So the Pilgrims went ahead, got hammered off their asses, gave the Indians some pox blankets and woke up the next morning feeling like a bunch of jerks. So rather than telling anyone that giving the Indians the pox blankets was merely a drunken accident, they decided to roll with it. They bottled up their secret along with this delicious liquor and have been making plenty of money every year when the holiday season

The mixer Center On the rocks: AWith a shot of Goldschlager: B

rolls around. Typical Drinkers Pilgrims, your bitch aunt, Natalie Portman, autumn fairies, Charlie Brown, turkeys, people who over tan to get that orange glow, Lloyd Christmas, Laura Finkface and the entire Bradley volleyball team. User Comments “Holy mother of pumpkins, this is the nectar of the gods.” “Someone call Charlie Brown, we finally know why he was so obsessed with the giant pumpkin!” “Where on earth did my servant run off to?” “Liqueuuuuuur. Me fancsta.” Conclusion It’s a mighty delicious liqueur. Plus how fancy do you feel when you get to say, “liqueur.” So get off your cheap ass and go get this holiday special.

With milk: C - cause I’m lactose intolerant With caramel: A+ - nectar of the gods

THe top ten

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Informercial Items We Secretly Want for Christmas With Christmas right around the corner, you’re probably still hunting for the perfect gift. If you’re too lazy for even internet shopping, just sit your fat ass in front of the TV at around 3 a.m. and you’ll find exactly what you’re looking for. While these items sometimes seem pointless, for some reason you want them for reasons you cannot explain. Advertising magic at work I guess. Here’s a list of some of the most useless infomercial items that we all desperately want for Christmas. 10. Pillow Pet It’s a pillow! It’s a pet! It’s a piece of shit, but not for your lame “forever alone” roommate. Everyone needs a little huggin’ and lovin’ every once in a while. Maybe get it for yourself and use it as a place to stash your porno mags, cocaine, or emergency condoms. 9. Hawaii Chair Don’t you hate sitting around at your desk all day studying when you could be pumping iron at the ARC and sweating your balls off? No? Well, uh, me neither. But with the Hawaii Chair, the gym comes to you! The seat part of the chair swivels around at dangerous speeds, moving your bum and abs faster than Shakira can pop it in a music video.

holiday retail woes slang wrote this Walk into any store during the rest of this month and you’re sure to hear Christmas music blaring. While you’re busy bobbing your head to “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of Year,” take a quick glance at the employees; notice their facial expressions. I can almost guarantee you that their expressions showcase just how much they would appreciate someone stabbing them through the pupil with a screwdriver. In all actuality, to anyone who works in retail the terrible song playing should be changed to “It’s the Absolute Shittiest Time of the Year.” Most people aren’t full of joy during this time period, just check the suicide rates. People are spending money that they don’t want to spend on gifts and food for people that they don’t like in the first place. That would make anyone pissed off; I get it. Let me clue all consumers in on something. Your bitterness is in no way the fault of anyone who works in retail, so consider this to be a plea: Quit being such assholes to all those unfortunate enough to be working during this wretched season. All of the customers in every store are unhappy. This atmosphere creates unhappy workers, but it’s not the fault of the employees. I urge all of the consumers to imagine the following: You’re in high school or college; you’re young and full of energy, working this minimum wage job just to afford dollar store gifts for friends and loved ones. You come into work in the holiday spirit and within five minutes of your shift starting a disgruntled customer comes up to you. “I just want to let you know that I’m never coming into this store again. You’re all out of the sweater that I need, and you’re all inadequate people. I’m going to [insert name of competing store here] instead.” Great. Most consumers are guilty of something along these lines during the gift-giving season, and let me take this opportunity to inject all of you with some grain of common

sense. What in holy hell do you expect the employee to do? Is she supposed to go in the back of the store and knit you the fucking sweater you probably waited to buy until Christmas Eve? Nobody cares if you go to another store. The original store you went to will solider on without the $42.99 your stupid sweater would cost. The worst is when people complain about things that go wrong in departments the retail worker has no control over. Consumers, imagine yourself in this scenario: You work in one of the large warehouse stores. You work on the front end of the store with the registers. You’re busy, running the register as quickly as possible to get people out of the store quickly and happily. When a customer is ready to be checked out, you greet them by saying, “Hi, did you find everything you were looking for today?” “You all don’t have any rotisserie chickens. Every time I come into this damn store, there’s no chickens.” Anyone with a brain can see that this employee has zero control over when the chickens go out, and in every grocery store across the country, these chickens are sold on a first-come, first-serve basis. How is it the cashier’s fault that you didn’t get what you wanted? How is it anybody else’s’ fault either? Do you think every grocery store has an imaginary rotisserie full of delicious chickens, and they’re waiting until after you leave the store to put them out just to screw with you? Get over yourself. All you greedy, consuming bastards are doing is making life unpleasant for the rest of us. Drum up some holiday spirit and quit your whining. People in the service industry are not your servants. Put on a smile and say thank you to the person working on Christmas Eve so you can spend yours with your family.

8. Proactiv Remember when you first started dating your beautiful significant other before college, and they were young, fresh, and innocent? Now after a few run-ins with alcohol and bar sweat their face looks like a slice of herpes pizza. Give him or her a little Proactiv treatment this holiday season. If that doesn’t work, dump ‘em and find someone else who isn’t caught up in the awkward middle school puberty stage. 7. Swivel Store I highly doubt that any college student has a necessity for a spice rack right now, but who says the Swivel Store is just for housing your salt and cinnamon? I bet you could easily fit a few brewskis inside, giving you so much more room in your fridge for expired sushi and leftover Papa John’s. 6. ExtenZe Need a subtle way to let your man know he’s just not cutting it in the bedroom? Well, you’re screwed, because there isn’t one. But guys like girls with confidence, so just go ahead and lay it on the line. It’s a Christmas gift for you, if you really think about it. 5. Slap Chop After a long night of beating up hookers you’re gonna be hungry, but you’re gonna be too damn tired to prepare a full meal. With the Slap Chop, it’s easy as one, two, three. Watch out, motherfuckers, I’m making salsa and choppin’ up eggs like it ain’t no thang. 4. Pajama Jeans I was a little confused when jeggings started to make it big, but those seem normal now compared to the Pajama Jeans. For one, I never have the urge to sleep in my jeans. And two, why can’t you just go out and buy a pair of maternity pants with those pieces of elastic in the waistband? Pajama Jeans would be the best gift for that lazy bum friend who wants to try and look like they dressed up before going out. 3. Big Top Cupcake Forget a late-night pizza call! Even if you’re sloshed, it shouldn’t be too hard to fill this giant cupcake mold with all the sugar and raw eggs your dumbass could ever want. Plus, who says it has to be cupcake mix? I’m thinking we should try weed brownies in there instead. 2. Shake Weight Hey guys, you got a girl whose grip is limper than a cooked spaghetti noodle? Or ladies, maybe your man’s arms are flabbier than Free Willy’s underside? May I suggest the Shake Weight? The obviously-not-sexual workout sensation that relies on how fast you can pump a heavy rod near your face. 1. Forever Lazy You’ve all heard of the Snuggie, but this is like the Snuggie’s funnier, hotter sister. You can’t put a price on this amazing fleece gem, especially when it comes complete with crotch and ass flaps so you can visit the john while staying nice and warm.

kitty kat wrote this

continued from cover story... It has been reported by several sources that if Ashley, a wealthy 15-year-old girl from Beverly Hills, doesn’t get her driver’s license the day she turns 16, “The world is just going to end.” Ashley, whose birthday falls exactly on December 21, has repeatedly nagged her parents about the imperativeness of her getting the license, and has even gone far enough to already make plans to take the car out that evening. How, exactly, would Ashley bring about the end to life as we know it? Not exactly sure, there’s not a lot of science that went into this (actually, just about the same amount that went into the original Mayan doomsday prediction). But if it happens that Ashley does not get her license and exacts revenge on this cruel world, we do not have much to fear: John Cusack pours champagne in his cereal and sniffs cocaine like it’s his job. He has more money than Scrooge, he could easily buy Ashley a fake license, plus a Ferrari on the side. The Chicago Cubs win the World Series: Likelihood John Cusack will be able to save us: 1/10 Of all these possible scenarios, this one is the least likely to occur. However, in the off chance that the old Cubbies are able to pull it off next year, it could spell out doom for mankind. Think back, how many times have you heard a Cubs fan say, “Man, if the Cubs ever win the World Series, I’m just gonna jizz my pants!” While this is a perfectly healthy way to show support for your team, it could mean some real trouble when you consider the sheer size of the Cubs’ fan base. Think about it, if every Cubs fan jizzed at the exact same moment, it would mean another great flood. Entire cities would be submerged, and every single man, woman and child would perish in the tidal waves of funky spunk. And we won’t get any help from Cusack, he’s the biggest Cubs fan out there. Marijuana is legalized: Likelihood John Cusack will be able to save us: 5/10 When you consider the amount of money and manpower that has gone into the war on drugs, you know that there must be some grave reason for marijuana to be illegal. On the surface, there really isn’t any reason for it to be forbidden. However, the powers that be clearly know something we don’t. Now, President Reagan never told a lie in his life, so when he said that pot could kill you, he was telling the truth. Maybe he knew that weed could spell out doom for us all and did the best he could to protect us from such a monster. If legalized, would Cusack save us? Maybe, maybe not. He’ll be pretty stoned at the time. All of this can seem pretty overwhelming. Especially if you’re John Cusack, because then you have a lot of work ahead of you. As for me, I’m not concerned. Maybe its apathy, maybe its optimism, or maybe its knowledge that of the many Mayan calendars discovered, only one (1) (uno) (un) says or has anything to do with 2012. I’m not sure.

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the movie page Based on the Trailer

hugo Mike Byrnes saw this and gave it a...

Director: young adult

Martin Scorsese

Dec. 9

Starring: Charlize Theron, Patton Oswalt, Patrick Wilson What You Need to Know: A teen-lit writer (Theron) returns to her small, crappy hometown to relive her glory days and reclaim her high-school sweetheart (Wilson) who is, like, married with kids. Obviously that’s hard to do (legalities and what not), so she spends most of her time at the bar with a former classmate (Oswalt) and becomes besties. What We Think: Whoa, wait. We’re suppose to believe Charlize Theron is a “young adult?” Come on, young adults don’t look 36 and are waaay less accomplished. Right? No? Oh shit. Well, whatever, with Diablo Cody (Juno) penning the screenplay, this film looks awesome.

Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows

Dec. 16

Starring: Robert Downey, Jr., Jude Law, Rachel McAdams What You Need to Know: World famous detective Sherlock Holmes (Downey, Jr.) is trying to solve another crime, this time involving the Crown Prince of Austria who he believes was murdered, because why on Earth would you kill yourself if you’re a prince!? Somehow he meets up with Watson (Law) at a gentlemen’s club for “research,” where things start to get real crazy. What We Think: With all the damn accents and sexy actors, we’re not really sure if we can keep up with it all. Save this one for when it’s on dad’s tab and you get a nice Applebee’s salad afterwards.

extremely loud and incredibly close

Dec. 25

Starring: Tom Hanks, Sandra Bullock, Thomas Horn What You Need to Know: Based on the novel by Jonathan Safran Foer, this post-9/11 drama follows a 9-year-old boy (Horn) whose father (Hanks) was killed in the terrorist attacks. After his death, he finds a key in his father’s closet and goes on a journey to find out what it unlocks. What We Think: A tearjerker just for the holidays, this film actually looks incredibly moving and slightly nostalgic because, man, eff the terrorists. And how can you not smile at a charming father/son relationship, especially when the father of Chet Haze is playing the role? If we were seeing a movie on Christmas, this would be it.

Starring:

Asa Butterfield, Chloe Grace Moretz

Synopsis:

The most interesting movie made about clockmaking ever We're not all adept clockmakers, filmmakers, actresses, writers, gigolos or bearded women. Not everyone can fix anything, perform magic tricks, uphold the law, run forty-five miles an hour, or give orgasmic back massages (Keegan Knoll can. He lives at 907 Oak in Champaign, IL and will rub out your kinks and knots for cheap!). It seems, though, that everyone has at least one thing that they can do well or better than most people. For the average college student, this includes sneaking ‘Stones into the bar, drunk-yelling at strangers, or the inherent ability to stay out all night and still make it into work the next morning (because showing up is good enough, right?). Martin Scorsese is pretty good at making movies. His most recent film, Hugo, a fantasy film about clockmakers and magic, only reinforces his genius. This fun family film is based on a lot of true events, but Hugo displays a triumph of the imagination, and serves as a great tribute to the power of creativity through filmmaking. There are no guns or explosions in Hugo; the excitement instead manifests itself through innocent magic, beautiful cinematography and emotional depth.

on DVD

Hugo Cabret (Butterfield), the son of a clock-maker, grows up watching his father repair clocks, things around the house and really just about anything. The father, who works at a museum, brings home a broken automaton, an automated “robot” specifically designed for one purpose. In the movie, this automaton is made to write. After an accident in the museum, Hugo is forced to live with his abiding uncle within the walls of a train station as an adventure unfolds concerning Hugo’s deceased father and the automaton he left behind. With the help of the store owner's goddaughter, Isabelle (Moretz), Hugo learns a lot more about the man than he intended, and in turn learns what his part in this machine-like world is. One of the most jarring aspects of Hugo is the absolutely stunning display of 3D technology. If there’s one director who could take the so-far gimmicky medium of 3D films and make them legitimate, it would be Martin Scorsese. This is exactly what Scorsese and Hugo accomplished. Hugo, more than anything, shows Scorsese’s strong passion for filmmaking and imagination. Scorsese’s history clearly played a

Martin Scorsese trivia!

big part in the plot of Hugo, as many facts about the origins of filmmaking and Georges Méliès, one of the first great film artists and inspiration for Scorsese, were inputted into the story line. The 3D, as opposed to being a focal point of the film, actually serves to brighten the imaginative feel of the movie, and show people once again that movies have the ability to be magical and awe-inspiring. I would love to make a bunch of jokes about this movie, beg Martin Scorsese to get back into grown-up movies where he belongs and call clock fetishists gross. But the fact is that this is a genuine, heartfelt, and aesthetically pleasing film, akin to kissing Scarlett Johannson's mouth. Hugo is a truly wonderful film with lessons about family, bravery and, most importantly, the importance of imagination, innocence, and dreams. Making a joke about something silly and pointless would truly do this film a great disservice. But because this is a comedy paper, I will make this one particularly scathing criticism of Marty Scorsese. Dude's glasses are DORKY! I'M OUT! (*mic drop*).

answers are a few from here

december 13: Kung Fu Panda 2 Rise of the Planet of the Apes Fright Night The Expendables december 20: Midnight in Paris Dolphin Tale Warrior Colombiana Straw Dogs

How many times has Martin Scorsese been married?

Which of Scorsese's films won the 1976 Palme d'Or, the highest prize at the Cannes Film Festival?

Which film did Scorsese direct that would later become #1 on Roger Ebert’s movie list in 1990?

What role was Scorsese offered in the film Helter Skelter?

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( class time )

Get Your Ass In Gear - The End of the Semester partyscopes Aries (March 21 - Apr. 19): Your A++ personality generally leads you to good grades...when you have time. If you're short, you throw together some shit and hope for a C. This being the end of the semester, you’re considering snorting an entire 8-ball to stay motivated. For the love of god don't overdose, and at the very least don't miss your probation hearing, lest you end up smoking meth in the men's restroom at Chuck E. Cheese. Drink some Mountain Dew instead, you'll be just fine. Taurus (Apr. 20 - May 20): Have difficulty staying motivated? Sexually repressed? Don’t worry, it happens to everyone. However, this is the finals push, and you can’t put off your final English project any longer and expect to get a passing grade. Here’s an easy solution: masturbation. Don’t pretend like you aren’t jerking it to a Facebook picture of the hot girl you sit next to in Chem class. So why don’t you use it to keep you motivated? Study, rub one out, back to studying. Bing bang boom, everyone’s happy. Gemini (May 21 - June 20): Frankly, you suck at getting shit done by yourself. With all of the sleeping around you do, who has time to do homework? Alas, it is almost the end, and that Bio lab isn’t going to do itself. Enlist a friend to help you stay on task; in fact, make it a sexy friend. For every question you get right, you get 30 more seconds of a BJ. You’ll ace that final in no time. Cancer (June 21 - July 22): What with tests and papers and such to be done, no one has time to pay attention to you. Your neediness is kicking into overdrive, and those you lean on can’t be bothered with your vapid bitching. Have a nice little cry session in your room about how no one loves you, and then shut the fuck up and study. Calculus doesn’t care if you have friends or not, only if your derivative lies tangent to its curves.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22): This semester has been spent drowning yourself in role playing games. With the wonders of collecting mana and building pointless Minecraft structures, you forgot that you’re actually in school to get a degree. No matter how fast you beat Portal, you will still fail Geology 100 because you barely showed up to class. Bury your face in your book for a week, don’t sleep, and pray that your guild can destroy the next boss in your absence.

Sagittarius (Nov. 21 - Dec 21.): You’re the type of person who freaks out when finals come up. You panic and try to cram a semester of learning into your brain because you spent class doing jack shit. This epic procrastination is sending you on a speeding train to Mental Breakdown Station, where you’ll find the alcoholics. Borrow some of their whiskey, stand up and get your work done. Now is not the time to be a pussy.

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22): As high maintenance as you are, you probably spend more time curling your hair than doing your homework. This will come back to bite you in the ass, hard. No one gives a shit if you look nice during the last few weeks; they’re too busy dying with the amount of shit they have to do. So maybe you should put down the curling iron and pick up a calculator, because being pretty isn’t an excuse for being a dumbass.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19): Somehow, you managed to have good grades and a social life this semester. Hallelujah. To have such unprecedented success, something had to suffer. That something was your sleep. You’ve spent the entire semester cracked out on cappuccinos and 5 Hour Energy shots, and by this point your body is tweaking at any sign of caffeine. Take an entire day to sleep. It doesn’t matter what you have to do that day, you need to get your shit together in order to finish out the semester with some dignity and without an ulcer.

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22): Your constant struggle is balance, particularly when it comes to partying. All semester you have neglected your work in favor of hanging out with Jose, Morgan, and Sam in your room, by yourself. Listening to Nickelback. Anyways, to actually not fail out of school, it’s time to put the bottle down and pick up your Composition book. You may still listen to Nickelback if you want, however The Black Sheep is not responsible for any hazing you may receive as a result. Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22): You actually try in school. Good for you, someone has to. However, your love life has suffered as a result. You won’t get to bone someone by the end of the semester; however you’ll actually get an A in a difficult class. Which, in all honesty, is goddamn impressive. The cosmos tip their hat to you, and simultaneously apologize to your genitals.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 -Feb. 18): As the resident Special Snowflake at your school, you do anything and everything to be unique. People most likely stare at you in utter disgust, but you just brush that shit off yo shoulders. Not this time princess. When stress gets to you, you are pretty much guaranteed to do the horror of horrors for individuals: wear sweatpants. Now this much be a tragic concept for you, but the less time you spend trying to be ‘different’, the more time you can spend preparing for your tests. And while you’re at it take the fucking dreads out, they look stupid. Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 20): You need a break. This semester has been running you ragged, and you get no relief from the daily grind. To keep yourself from collapsing during finals, have yourself some good ole’ shower sex. It will relieve stress, get you clean (and dirty at the same time?), and give your brain some much needed endorphins. Chin up, legs out, rock and roll.

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