Illinois - 12/14/11 - v19i17 by The Black Sheep

The Booze News Presents:

h watc y e s r e j ose e - l ll r o e sh ain c a br

take another final - take a shot

get d by ho enied lose t t.a. a tur n

ta pl lk le to ay t o m ft f you er in o r ut r es 20

fa n ab tasi sp out ze br ring ea k ba n sig g yo u n r i f oth ican t e lo r str se ess

finish group project, squeal in delight

es lin n ite a recom me r 2 fr ls fo s gir inute m

p po f 0! o $2 tle gne nd t a fi o mp b a ha c

1) Play fun games from The Black Sheep when you're procrastinating studying. 2) Try not to get too wasted before your finals. 3) Don't cheat. Or, don't get caught. 4) Enjoy multiple spirits after your last final.

ed al! sh in 1 i n f fi st ug r r fi ch bee

r rub you d belly an r u o y t pa r 30 head fo ds n o c se

you're drooling - go back 3 spots

fantasiz about b e ee for awh r ile

scor legit e a s guide tudy -h ahea op d 4 spo ts

mo fun re stu thaN dy righ ing, t?

expand your mind... skip 1 turn

ge t ch cau go eat gh ba ing t st ck t ! ar t o

st la ter ll h pu -nig ip 2 l k s al -s rn tu

RULES:

t w rad it e to h p pa l n le yo ay ts ft ur er

e" ng k si sha is l ilk ke "m by

h o ld you b r f r eath r o ev ju er. kid st din g

ur close yo d n a s e ey ot take a sh

pul nig l an a th hte ll e librr at ary

get a tuto hot rskip 1 spo t

ee fr l a d al fin der gain a d a ll ro e iz t or tex e n em m tire in o t n e ok gh bo ni

r y emin o th urs d at el be it ge f tte ts r bu m ho of a c m m f a ig ne an ele xt - s ss k t ur ip n

you a r damn e so fa still r

on k go boo xt e ce fa se n n o ur l t

bo be ng a fo r bee fin e la r al st

e om n, s t io ge ivat t p mo asa

e u'r t yo mos ! al ere th up on ck k y pi ac wa -p r 12 ou me y ho

computer crashes! drop the f bomb 5 times

The Fun and Games Finals Issue

! e d

i RIX s n T

I MA DE f f T UI

u EN T G t S M F

ES Z N GI UIZ I r A e RT AY , Q E! h OtENTE OLIDDLIBS MOR - - H A ND -M A

TICKETS ON SALE NOW

Kam’s New Years Eve! VIP PARTY PACKAGE $1 U-CALL-IT WELLS • DRAFTS • BOTTLES • BLUE GUYS CALLS • BOMBS • ENERGY

• VIP PARTY 7:30PM - 2AM •

Live DJ Spinning All Night TOP SHELF BAR • PARTY FAVORS • CHAMPAGNE • COAT CHECK MINI BUFFET INCLUDING MEATBALLS, COCKTAIL DOGS, HAM & TURKEY SANDWICHES AND NACHO BAR

TICKETS - $30

FIRST 100 TICKETS ONLY $20! ADVANCED PURCHASE REQUIRED

MUST BE 21 TO DRINK • IDs REQUIRED

Sells Out Early - Buy Your Tickets Today!

KAM’S

618 E. Daniel St. | Champaign | 217.337.3300 | kamsillini.com

www.theblacksheeponline.com

? Are you

The scoreboard:

Smarter ? Than? ?

john's score

john's answers

John mccombs

the black sheep writer 1) Who won the Heisman Trophy in 2011?

5) Who was the lead singer of Queen?

2) Who lost the Presiden- 6) What film won best tial election of 2004? picture in the 83rd annual Academy Awards? 3) What kind of rock can float on water? 7) How many pints are in a gallon? 4) In what month was Osama Bin Laden killed?

your score

8) Who is pictured on the ten dollar bill?

1) Fuck, I don’t know. 2) John Kerry 3) Pass 4) May 5) I dunno 6) The Black Swan? 7) 8 8) Andrew Jackson 9) Jean something – I don’t know. 10) Massachusetts

9) Who is the current president of France?

correct answers:

10) Where is Plymouth Rock located?

1. Robert Griffin III 2. John Kerry 3. Pumice 4. May of 2011 5. Freddie Mercury 6. The King’s Speech

7. 8 pints in a gallon 8. Alexander Hamilton 9. Nicolas Sarkozy 10. Plymouth, Massachusetts

Meet The Staff! Managing Editor Carly Kamp copy Editor Mike Benson Advertising Manager Michelle Lenzen distribution Manager Mike Zevin Chris Bandemier Contributing Writers John Estep | John McCombs Ken Halvachs | Sarah Langer Mandy Cleves | Grace Haka Hannah Johnson| Michelle Lenzen Michael Byrnes| Corey Gusstini Caitlin Chrzanowski | Katelyn Lilly cartoonist Alexandra Joyce

pr manager Anastasia Guletsky Abbie Welch photographer Caitlin Chrzanowski campus director Brendan Bonham owner Atish Doshi Founders Atish Doshi & Derek Chin Questions?

info@theblacksheeponline.com Advertising?

ads@theblacksheeponline.com Hate Us? lame@theblacksheeponline.com

Disclaimer The Booze News & The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally. Owned & Operated By: Black Card Media, LLC P.O. Box 221385 Chicago, IL 60622 217.390.1747

Page four

CHECK US OUT ONLINE ALL BREAK LONG!

Letter to the editor Dear Carl, I don’t want to spend this New Year’s Eve alone. How can I score a girlfriend before the year is over? I’m desperate! You GOTTA help me! Sincerely, Desperado Dear Pathetic, Might I suggest a more alternative route? Lately people have been applying on Craigslist for a special thing called a “holiday girlfriend.” It’s really more popular than you think; you just make an obnoxiously long post describing why you want to date someone for JUST the holidays and go in length about all the cheesy holiday type things you’ll do together to make everyone jealous. Then you ask for a photo and a short bio, and you pick the hottest broad. Brilliant idea. As long as you’re not a female, otherwise you’ll get totally murder-raped. Craigslist is not safe for women to post on.

SEND IN YOUR PARTY PICTURES pics@theblacksheeponline.com or upload them at theblacksheeponline.com

seach black sheep mobile

Look out, Carl

To submit your own letter, email our Editor at CKamp2@gmail.com

! s m a r g a n A Sexy Can you guess these hotties? Send your answers to celebs@theblacksheeponline.com The first 5 right answers win prizes!

last week's answers:

timothy olyphant and adriana lima

Word of the week Generoustitties:

Eureka Evens

Valid Lie I Ow

Submit your own word! word@theblacksheeponline.com

Definition: A set of boobs used to acquire goods and services from men. “Of course Katie’s sugar daddy bought her a Benz, have you seen those generoustitties?”

www.theblacksheeponline.com

quiz:

what are your chances of graduating?

1) How late, on average, are you to each of your classes? a) People actually go to class on time? I’m just happy if I make it there at all. b) Never more than 5 or 10 minutes. I live kind of far from campus. c) I’m always on time! There is no excuse for tardiness at our age. 2) How many hours do you spend studying during finals? a) About 3 hours for each class, just enough to review each chapter briefly. b) Well I study through the entire semester so if you add all that time together… It’s about 2 months. c) I try to squeeze in 10 minutes before each final, so I have enough time to skim the syllabus to know what the class is about. 3) How many classes did you take this semester? a) I took a full load to ensure that I made the most of my time on campus this semester. b) I try to take between 14 and 16 hours. I just want enough to make my mom happy. c) They made me take 12 freaking hours! I think 5 kinesiology hours is enough for a full time student, right? 4) How do you spend your time outside of class? a) Kam’s, Brother’s, and sometimes Murphy’s when I want a quieter night. During the day you may catch me at the ARC, though. b) You will find me at the UGL with a thermos full of coffee and my Macbook each and every night. c) Sleeping. Duh.

5) How often do you see your advisor? a) Once a semester to prevent that damn hold that keeps getting put on my account. b) Well, never now. Zook got fired. c) I make weekly appointments to make certain that I am doing everything I possibly could do! Can’t risk falling behind. 6) How many libraries on campus can you count? a) There are like 3 or 4 I think. b) That’s a tricky one! There are well over 15, but I couldn’t tell you the exact number because some of them are restricted to majors only. c) Is the underground building in the cornfield a library? I lost my virginity in that cornfield. 7) What would you do if you failed a class? a) Not tell my parents. b) Cry! That’s terrible. Failures are not cute. c) Take less kinesiology classes the next semester. I don’t want to spread myself too thin or get too thin. I always want to look my best. 8) What are your plans for after college? a) Graduate school. Education never ends! We need to constantly be learning. b) Who said anything about leaving? As long as my dad keeps signing the checks I’m staying! c) Hopefully I will find a job. Maybe my dad will give me a job at his company.

e v E s ’ r a e Y w e N d n Spe

! s e o J t a

$3! GREY GOOSE & PATRON

$2! CAPTAIN & JAGER

$1! U-CALL-IT WELL DRINKS Tickets Starting at $25 EARLY BIRD TICKETS ARE GONE! GET YOURS TODAY, PRICES WILL GO UP!

BUY TICKETS AT JOESBREWERY.COM 706 S. 5TH STREET / CHAMPAIGN / (217) 384-1790

Results 8-13: Not a chance in hell Sorry you had to find out like this, but there is no way you are ever getting a diploma. This won’t affect you too much, though, so keep on wasting your parents money. I’m sure they won’t mind! 14-19: Better step up your game Graduating isn’t impossible, but it isn’t going to happen on its own. You better start getting to class on time instead of watching Modern Family all day in bed or else you are only going to keep screwing yourself over more and more. 20-24: It’s a given You are definitely going to graduate, so there is no need to live and breathe school anymore! It is time to be the rebellious kid that you have always dreamed of. For starters, try making some friends other than your T.A.’s. Also, have you heard of ecstasy or The Canopy Club? Safe travels, my friend.

1) a-1, 2) a-2, 3) a-3, 4) a-1,

answers

b-2, b-3, b-2, b-3,

c-3 c-1 c-1 c-2

5) a-2, 6) a-2, 7) a-2, 8) a-3,

b-1, b-3, b-3, b-1,

c-3 c-1 c-1 c-2

Finals Week 2011: It’s Gonna Get Weird slang wrote this Finals season is upon us once again. It’s that terrible time of year when you actually have to buckle down and learn an entire semester’s worth of material in a matter of days. It’s a tough task to accomplish, almost as hard as finding a sorority girl with morals. This isn’t impossible, though, my friends. You managed to bullshit your way into this school, and with some help you can bullshit your way through it, too. Since you haven’t been to class all semester the first thing you’re going to want to do is buy those textbooks. You’ve put this task off like a champ, but since you missed the drop date, didn’t even go to class, and need to ace the final, you’re going to have to skim through a lot of material. Look at the bolded words in the book. They tell you definitions and key points, these are all you actually need to know. Just memorize those. If you’re even cheaper, Wikipedia is your best friend. Because of its accuracy, it will tell you everything you really need to know about those stories, allowing you to write all of your papers and all that good crap. Once you finally kinda-sorta learn all of this information, you’ll need to find a way to make up most of your assignments. Now, you won’t be able to redo all of them, so you’ll need some excuse for what happened that kept you from doing your homework and attending class. Tell your TA or professor that you’ve had violent diarrhea all semester long. Explain that it was the kind of diarrhea where you don’t even get a warning before huge amounts of crap comes bolting out of your ass and running down your leg. Go even

further to explain that you think you may have developed Crohn’s Disease. Nobody in their right mind is going to inquire about your bowel movements, and if they do, offer up visual evidence. Sure, you may have to ruin a pair of pants, but it’s better than ruining your life. You’re most likely to get a heartfelt “I hope you get better” and an extension on your homework.

r p i n S g . r . o N f n o w a l ! P NOW TAKING RESERVATIONS FOR FRATERNITY/SORORITY EXCHANGES, FORMALS AND SEMIFORMALS, WEDDING RECEPTIONS, HOLIDAY PARTIES AND MORE!

Now that you finally have the go ahead to make up all of your work, you’re going to need supplies. There’s no way you can afford to sleep anymore, so you need to go and stock up on energy drinks. 5-Hour, Rockstar, Monster, Red Bull, cocaine, or whatever the hell you want. Pick a brand and buy lots of them. Also, buy a substance that enhances your studying powers; let’s just call it Shmadderall. If you can’t afford that, buy some cigarettes and use those and the energy drinks to make a delightfully deadly up-all-night cocktail. If you chain-smoke five cigarettes and pound two energy drinks, it’s basically the same effect. While you’re buying lots of energy drinks, make sure to stock up on transportable foods too. I’m talking Pop Tarts, Goldfish, beef jerky, and all that good shit. Eating right enhances your brainpower, and you need food that you can eat in the library. Beware of those library cops, though. They’ll come around and try to steal your mojo by taking your energy drinks and food. Now, get off your ass and go occupy the library. It’s game time, my fellow slackers.

88 Broadway is Urbana’s finest special event venue. Available for private parties, special events, concerts, banquets, trade shows, meetings and much more.

Champaign-Urbana

crossword!

questions:

K M C

S O U N I

M C U M T D

G H

R Y I

B R

O T

C O

A R M O R Y E R

A I N G G R

N B

O E O W R N P L I L L I N O I M O R R

S G T Y L I A L

C E

R R L L I N I U N I W

R T O R P

T B R A R Y

I X

A O N

N S

G R E E N S T R E E T M N E

R E E

I G

L C A I F F

E R

P R A 13 14 15 A I D O R M R O O M U M S K A N A 17 18 S T E R M I N A L B L A C K E D O U T

A R C N O T M

T V E R S I

E N G I N E E R I N G U 10 11 R L C H A M B A N A L N L 12 P A D D Y W A G O N I M

C O V

O R A N G E L

Test your savvy knowledge of the C-U!

Champaign-Urbana

Down Buzz kill. study bears. Embroidered sweaters. Leaving on a jet plane. Corny. RIP pizza. Grades. Picture perfect. (2 Words) Where da freshman at? The most wonderful day of the year. Cheers Year of birth. Chex mix lady. U of I loves this yogurt. Turf city. The road that's never wrong. (2 Words) ***Y, you aint got no alibi you ***Y. OUCH Pool friend. Fire in the house ladies! The Hamstringâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s bottom betch.

1 2 4 5 6 8 9 11 13 15 17 18 19 20 21 24 27 28 29 31 33

Across R_YGBIV Our claim to brain fame. Home of the Sweat Champaign-Urbana Uh oh here comes trouble. Two peas in a pod. Chuga chuga choo. (2 Words) See ya later. BRB training. Color road. (2 Words) TigerSnooze I HATE WALKING PLACES Stacks on stacks on stacks. (2 Words) We R who we R NOM nuts. Land of _______ Liquor liaison. Hipster paradise

3 7 8 10 12 14 16 17 22 23 25 26 30 32 34 35 36 37

R R E L V

S Q U I

29 31

down: 1) Buzz kill 2) study bears 4) Embroidered sweaters 5) Leaving on a jet plane 6) Corny 8) RIP pizza 9) Grades 11) Picture perfect (2 words) 13) Where da freshmen at?

B A R T E N D E R

26 28

D I

R E

Q U

19 20

N C O L N A V E N U E

N I N

L I

I L L I T A

U R B A N A

E Y

7 8

Y A

3 5

15) The most wonderful day of the year 17) Cheers 18) Year of birth 19) Chex Mix lady 20) U of I loves this yogurt 21) Turf city 24) The road that's never wrong (2 words) 27) ***Y, you ain't go no alibi you ***Y 28) OUCH 29) Pool friend 31) Fire in the house, ladies! 22) The Hamstring's bottom betch 1 2 4 5 6 8 9 11 13 15 17 18 19 20 21 24 27 28 29 31 33

ACROSS: 3) R_YGBIV 7) Our claim to brain fame 8) Home of the Sweat 10) Champaign-Urbana 12) Uh oh, here comes trouble 16) Two peas in a pod 16) Chuga chuga choo (2 words) 17) See ya later 22) BRB training 23) Color road (2 words) 25) TigerSnooze 26) I HATE WALKING PLACES 30) Stacks on stacks on stacks (2 words) 32) We R who we R 34) NOM nuts 35) Land of ____ 36) Liquor liason 37) Hipster Paradise

3 7 8 10 12 14 16 17 22 23 25 26 30 32 34 35 36 37

Test your savvy knowledge of the C-U!

solution:

the champaign-urbana

www.theblacksheeponline.com

madlib:

1) Name of friend 2) Type of fried food 3) Name of another friend 4) Crude sexual act 5) Name of a porno 6) Number 7) Type of liquor 8) Another number 9) Condom brand 10) Another number

11) Weight unit 12) Drug 13) Verb ending in -ing 14) Body part 15) Color 16) Verb 17) Noun 18) Fast food restaurant 19) Adjective 20) Name of girl 21) Verb 22) Emotion 23) Plural noun

www.theblacksheeponline.com

new year's eve I can’t believe it’s already New Year’s Eve! If it’s anything like last year, when __1__ threw up __2__ all over the cab driver, __3__ got arrested for engaging in __4__ with a stranger, and I woke up next to the star of __5__, well then it’s going to be epic. I’m going to pick up __6__ bottles of __7__, __8__ boxes of __9__, and of course __10__ __11__ of __12__. I have a very strict schedule that I must stick to in order to be ready for tonight’s festivities. First, I’ve been spending all day __13__ in preparation. In fact, I did this for so long that my __14__ turned __15__. Later, I’m going to __16__, __17__, and then stroll on over to __18__. Call me superstitious, but every time I’ve done these exact tasks, I always have a(n) __19__ night. Hopefully __20__ is ready to __21__ all night tonight. Last year she didn’t let me, and it made me feel really __22__. Oh well, let’s just hope everyone shows up with their __23__ tonight, because I just want to have fun!

White Horse

New Year’s Eve 2012! @BlackSheep_UIUC Search: Black Sheep UIUC

! e k o a r a K w a l t u O h t i W

-IT’S L L A C U 3 $ | R E V O C NO OAST AT MIDNIGHT!

FREE CHAMPAIGN T

(217) 355-7007 | 112 1/2 East Green St | Champaign

www.theblacksheeponline.com

An E-mail to Your Professor

(For the Class You’re About to Fail) ken doll wrote this To: o4rlypretntiousdck1@yahoo.com From: way2hngover4ths12@gmail.com Subject: So I’m About to Fail Your Class

From 'da Streets Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com!

What’s the first thing you’ll do once you’re done with finals? "Get laid." - Brandon, Freshman

Hey Professor, I’m about to take a final in your 9a.m. Friday course, and I’m totally going to fail. Not just the final, the course. Now don’t worry, this isn’t going to be one of those, “Are there any extra credit assignments, can I retake a test, turn-in a late paper?” kind of e-mails. I never intended on putting any effort into your class, and I’m sure as hell not about to start now. I’m not going to try and bribe you with handjobs or fellatio just to try and push my F up to a D-. Possibly because I have far too much self-respect for myself to go down on a fully grown man who appears to have never seen a razor before and still believes that plaid blazers and newsboy caps are fashionable. I think the main reason I won’t perform sexual acts on you is because I simply don’t have a single ounce of respect for you or the field of study that you’ve devoted your entire life to learning. You’re probably wondering why I’m bothering to send you this e-mail if I have no intention or desire to improve my grade in your course whatsoever. To be quite honest, I’m not sure myself. Maybe I just felt that the ICES evaluations were desperately in need of a, “How big of a piece of shit do you feel your professor is?” comment box. Maybe I felt that, since I’m graduating despite failing your class, I should inform you how little you matter. Or, maybe I just feel like being a douche today. Regardless of the reason, I just wanted to give you a quick rundown of some of the faults I found in your class over the course of this semester.

"Black out." - Allie, Junior smelling like a shoe covered in dog feces is generally a societal norm now. Finally, despite what some may have told you, putting, “Reread all of your readings, lecture slides, and class notes,” on a piece of paper is not a study guide. The purpose of a study guide is to break down all of the pointless things you rambled on about all semester into concise topics that are of actual importance. Obviously this is difficult for you, as this class is bullshit, and you’ve never fed us a scrap of useful material all year. But you shouldn’t test us on every random thought that occurred in your head while you taught us.

"i never intended on putting any effort into your class, and i'm sure as hell not about to start now."

First off, not sure if you’re aware of this, the students in your class are in other classes, too. I’m assuming there was some sort of confusion there, considering you decided to assign over two hundred pages of reading every fucking class period. Expecting them to read it all and provide you with critical analyses and discussions is about as plausible as me not trying to make fun designs in the answer bubbles of this final tomorrow.

Also, I didn’t sit in the front of your lecture often, solely because I didn’t want to be disruptive when I arrived late and left early. However, the one time that I did sit in the front of lecture I found one thing that you’ve been lacking that will help you become more likable and will help you build social and professional success. What’s this one thing you ask? Deodorant. I get it; you lived through the 60’s and 70’s. Peace, shrooms, and Woodstock. What isn’t to love? However, somewhere shortly after the invention of the toothbrush, personal hygiene became a thing. Not

I hope some of the thoughts I’ve bounced off you in this email encourage you to adjust your class a bit, or maybe do everyone a favor and seek out a job you are more suited for. Word on the street is there is an opening for the position as a late night hot dog vendor on Green. I could see it. Sucks2suck, Disgruntled Student P.S. I’m trying to get into law school and was wondering if you’d considering writing me a letter of recommendation. Please respond at your earliest convenience.

"Streak the Quad." - Katelyn, Junior

the ultimate at-home drinking game

www.theblacksheeponline.com

One of the worst things about being at home is the inability to booze whenever you please. But have no fear, for obviously The Black Sheep is here to give you an entertaining and easy way to get your drink on during any of the many awkward times you spend at home. So grab a fifth and a flask, because you're about to get drunk (again).

on the car ride home

when decorating for the holidays...

Take a drink when you get a text from a high school buddy asking about your plans over break. Take a drink every time you hit repeat on your iPod. Take a drink every time you check Twitter on your phone. Take two drinks every time your parents ask you about your GPA this semester. Take two drinks every time your mom comments on your appearance. Take two drinks for every half-hour you're in the car. Take three drinks for every awkward silence. Take five drinks when you realize you left your phone at school.

Take a drink every time your cat starts eating the tinsel. Take a drink for every ornament you break. Take two drinks for every stocking you hang. Take three drinks every time you untangle a string of lights. Take three drinks every time you get on a ladder. Take three drinks for every time your dad drops an f-bomb while putting up the Christmas lights. Take five drinks every time your mom tears up during "Little Drummer Boy." Take ten drinks if you put up a huge inflatable decoration.

while celebrating the holidays with your family Take a drink for every gift you guess incorrectly. Take a drink for every pair of socks or underwear you get. Take a drink every time someone tells a story starting with, "When I was in college..." Take a drink every time you catch someone feeding the dog. Take a drink for every National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation reference your dad makes. Take two drinks every time you catch the cat messing around in the Christmas tree. Take two drinks every time grandma notes how old you look. Take three drinks every time someone asks you how the service you didn't go to was. Take three drinks for every gift you receive that still has the clearance price tag on it. Take four drinks every time a relative retells a story. Take four drinks every time your 17-year-old cousin successfully sneaks wine. Take four drinks every time your parents jokingly mention Santa and think you're still amused. Take five drinks for every time your mom raises her voice. Take five drinks every time a new course is served. Take ten drinks every time someone mentions that you're single or asks when you're going to start having babies. Take ten drinks if grandpa passes out before 2 p.m.

while last minute shopping Take a drink for every drunk Salvation Army bell-ringer you see. Take a drink for every time you move a space in any given line. Take a drink every time you buy something for yourself. Take two drinks for every time an overweight woman nudges you then glares at you. Take two drinks every time you start sweating. Take three drinks when you see an elf touch himself wrongly. Take three drinks for every item you're looking for that's out of stock. Take five drinks for every screaming, crying and generally unhappy baby you see on Santa's lap.

On new year's day Take a drink for every bad decision you made. Take a drink for every episode of a T.V. marathon you watch. Take a drink for every tagged picture from last night. Take a drink for every butt slap or fist pound you see during the football games. Take two drinks every time you choke back vomit. Take two drinks every time you actually get off the couch. Take three drinks every time you get a glass of water. Take eight drinks every time you change your resolution.

holiday deals galore! $6 for $20 at College Hautees $35 for $65 at jammypack Live NOW! Live NOW! Live NOW! campusf lock.com The Bar Grid Page 1 of 3

Check out CanopyClub.com for Concert Information!

Clybourne NYE 2012 Tickets on Sale Now! $1 U CALL IT $2 Red Bull Vodkas Live DJ & Champagne Toast Discounted Tix Available Now! www.TheClybourne.com

FRIDAY: WPGU's Operation Santa Claus! Live music from Isaac Arms, Palace Flophouse, Hathaways, The Cheaper Hits, and The Folded Bones

Come to Fat City NYE Weekend! Friday: UFC 141 Saturday: NYE Bash! Free apps, champagne toast and more!

312 VIBE NIGHT on WOMPDOWN WEDNESDAY $3 20oz Mug Refills! $1 Cover

12 Days of Christmas $2 JACK DANIELS plus 8 more $2 Specials including $2 JAGER BOMBS Bacardi-Absolut-SoCo & More!

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

$2 Bombs, $4 Ice Bombs $1.50 Old Style Drafts $2.00 Domestic Bottles $4 Domestic Pitchers Live DJ 9pm-close No Cover w/ i-card

THE MAIN SQUEEZE and FRESH HOPS

12 Days - Day 10! $2 JAMESON IRISH WHISKEY plus Jack-SoCo-Beam-Absolut Bud-Goose Island-UV-Jager Bombs

Bob Miller Memorial Benefit Live Music by Withershins, That's No Moon, Harsh, and DJ Belly

It's Real DJs & Big City Nightlife At Fat City! $1 PBR Drafts, $2 Domestic Bottles & Drafts, $2 Wells

FRI 12/16

$1 Cherry & “O” Bombs $2 Jäger Bombs, $2 Wells $2.50 Bud Light Bottles $3 Three Olives Mixers $3 Signature Shots $7 ALL Domestic Pitchers

STONE-FACED with THE DECADENTS

12 Days - Day 11 $2 PATRON!! plus 10 more great $2 Specials

WPGU's Operation Santa Claus! Live music from Hathaways, Isaac Arms, Palace Flophouse, The Cheaper Hits, and The Folded Bones

All You Can Eat Walleye $7.95 $2.00 Bud & Bud Light Cans

SAT 12/17

$1 Cherry & “O” Bombs $2 Jäger Bombs, $2 Wells $2.50 Bud Light Bottles $3 Bacardi Mixers $3 Signature Shots $7 Domestic Pitchers

BY ANY MEANS, UNVEILING CHAOS, SLOW INTENTIONAL DAMAGE and More!

12 Days - FINAL DAY! $2 GREY GOOSE VODKA $2 PATRON plus 10 More 12 Specials including... JAGER BOMBS-ABSOLUT JACK-SoCo-BACARDI & More!

D-Roka & White Rabbit! Show starts at 10PM

$2 Domestic Drafts & Bottles

Big Dave's Trivia Night - 7PM! $1 Miller Lite Drafts $1 Miller High Life Drafts $2 Bushmills Shots $3 Red Bull Vodkas

NFL Sunday Ticket $2 Domestics $3 Bloody Marys

Check out cowboy-monkey.com for all our NYE Info!

1/2 Price Appetizers 4-7pm $1.50 Old Style Pints Free Shuttle to ALL Illini Basketball Games!

SPECIAL NIGHT

NYE Extravaganza! Saturday, Dec. 31st Hats, Leis, champagne toast & MORE!

WED 12/14

15¢ wings 8pm ‘til they’re gone Original, Hot, Spicy Garlic, Hawaiian BBQ $1.50 Miller High Life bottles $2 Flavored Long Islands $2 Jäger Bombs (minis)

THURS 12/15

$1 Wells $2 SoCo Lime Shots $2.50 Jack/SoCo/Tuaca $3 Long Islands $4 Domestic Pitchers

SUN 12/18

Closed

Clybourne NYE 2012 Tickets on Sale Now! $1 U CALL IT $2 Red Bull Vodkas Live DJ & Champagne Toast Discounted Tickets Available! Go to www.TheClybourne.com

MON 12/19

Pub Quiz Starts @ 8pm $1 Wells $2 JUMBO Long Islands $4 Bud & Bud Light Pitchers

Check out CanopyClub.com for all our Spring 2012 concert announcements!

Friday December 30th EVE of the EVE Party! Come out Friday night meet up with all of your friends a night early! - $2 U CALL IT Special Guest DJ

TUES 12/20

Taco Tuesday $3 Cover for All-U-Can-Eat Tacos $2 wells $3 Miller Lite & Coors Light “Tall boys” $3 Tequila Sunrise, $3 Margaritas

Don't miss Joe Pug on February 4th!

Clybourne NYE 2012 Tickets on Sale Now! $1 U CALL IT, $2 Red Bull Vodkas Live DJ & Champagne Toast Discounted Tix Available Now! www.TheClybourne.com

Open Mic Night Inside Stage

$2 Tuesday 2 tacos for $2 $2 Margaritas $2 Wells and $2 Pints Karaoke!

WED 12/21

15¢ wings 8pm ‘til they’re gone Original, Hot, Spicy Garlic, Hawaiian BBQ $1.50 Miller High Life bottles $2 Flavored Long Islands $2 Jäger Bombs (minis)

Don't miss Rusko on February 26th!

New Years Day Brunch Open at 9am on New Years Day! Go to www.TheClybourne.com for details

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

$2 Bombs, $4 Ice Bombs $1.50 Old Style Drafts $2.00 Domestic Bottles $4 Domestic Pitchers Live DJ 9pm-close No Cover w/ i-card

Make a Resolution Worth Sticking To.

Kiss the excuses goodbye - we’ve got the gym for the pounds, the theater room for the marathons and the amazing location for the Dean’s list.

WE’RE PET FRIEND LY!

OH, WE’RE JUST GETTING STARTED. Amazing Location. Theater Room. Club Room. Two-Story Wireless Atrium Lounge. On-Site Management. High-Speed Internet. 10-Foot Ceilings. Bicycle and Scooter Storage. Convenient Grocery Store. Fully-furnished Apartments. Fitness Center. Tanning. Greystar Illinois Management, LLC

The BarGrid Page 2 of 3

217.239.2310 | burnham310.com | 310 E. Springfield

Green Street Café

SPECIAL NIGHT

New Years Eve $1 U CALL IT DJ Alex Polvere - Champagne Countdown to Midnight Early Bird Tickets for $20 www.FirehausBar.com

WED 12/14

$1 SHOTS - $2 UV Vodka $3 Jack Daniels Bud Mug Night - You Keep the Firehaus Mug $2 Bud Light 25oz Refill

THURS 12/15

Jags vs Falcons 7pm $2 SVEDKA, $2 JIM BEAM $2 BUD LIGHT BOTTLES $6 NATTY LIGHT BOTTLE BUCKETS

FRI 12/16

$5 Bud Light 40's $3 Jager Bombs $3 Absolut & Jameson

$3 Strong Islands $4 Double Vodka Wells

$2 Miller Bottles $3 Dr's Shots $3 Captian & Coke $4 Oh Yeah's

$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy’s $5.50 Jager Bombs

Salsa (Early) DJ Delayney (Late) $5 Double Wells Free Entry w/ Student ID Before 11p

SAT 12/17

ILLINI GAMEDAY 4pm- #19 Illinois vs UNLV plus Watch 3 Bowls Games starting at 1pm $2 Bud Light Bottles $3 Bacardi Rum $3 VEGAS BOMBS

$3 Wells $4 Top Shelf $4 Double Whisky Wells

$2 Domestic Bottles $3 Dr's Shots $3 Bacardi Drinks $4 Oh Yeah's

Need a Study Break? We Got You Covered.

DJ A-RON Spinning Awesome Jams at 9PM

All Break Long... $1 Whipped & Choc. Sauce Shots $2 Three Olives U-Call It

SUN 12/18

Bears vs Seahawks Noon $2 EVERYTHING IN THE HOUSE!

$2 U-Call-It $3 Top Shelf $6 Late Night Food Specials

$1 Miller Lights $2 Well Drinks $3 Call Drinks $4 Signature Drink

NFL ALL DAY! $3 Vodka Red Bulls $5 Coors Light & Miller Light Pitchers

Book Your Next Party Here! Email us at highdive.gm@gmail.com

Check out joesbrewery.com for New Year's Info

MON 12/19

SAT 12/31: ILLINI GAMEDAY! 2pm Fight Hunger Bowl ILLINI vs UCLA 3pm Mens Basketball ILLINI vs PURDUE $1 U CALL IT! $2 EVERYTHING ELSE!

$.50 Pizza Slices (8pm to Midnight) $8 Pizza & a Pitcher $4 Pitchers $3 Double Spiced Rum Wells $6 Late Night Food Specials

$1 Draft Refills, Miller and Bud light $2 Rum and Coke's $3 Rumplemintz $4 Strong Islands

$3 Jameson $2 Coors Light and Miller Light Draft

80s Night With DJ Mingram $1.50 Wells and Domestic Bottles NO COVER

Hanukkah comes a day early! Check out the Festival of Lights in the Dance Bar!

TUES 12/20

New Years Eve $1 U CALL IT DJ Alex Polvere - Champagne Countdown to Midnight Early Bird Tickets for $20 www.FirehausBar.com

$1 Chicken Strips & $.50 Wings (8pm to Midnight) $2 Tequila Shots $3 Double Vodka Wells $4 Patron $6 Late Night Food Specials

Karaoke Night $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Dbl Vodka/RB $3 Marky Bomb's $4 Peach Long Beaches

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells

$1 U CALL IT DJ A-Ron

WED 12/21

35 E. Green Street

NEW YEARS DAY Open at 11am Bears vs Vikings 15% OFF ALL FOOD ALL Day with a Wristband from Firehaus - Red Lion or Clybourne NYE Party

Karaoke Bomb Night $2.50 Ice Bombs $3 Jager& Vegas Bombs $4 Bacardi& Car Bombs $6 Late Night Food Specials

Open Mic Night $2.50 Corona's $2.50 Jager Bombs $3 Strong Islands $4 Oh Yeah's $4 ICB's

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi & Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

Coyote Ugly Night $3 Double Wells $3 Jack Drinks $3 Jager Bombs

EVERY DAY: $1 Kamikazes $1.25 High Life Drafts $3 Jager Bombs $5 Pitchers of High Life Karaoke Bomb Night $2.50 Ice Bombs $3 Jager& Vegas Bombs $4 Bacardi& Car Bombs $6 Late Night Food Specials Live Band & Open Mic Night! $1 Miller Lite Bottles $3 Double Rum Wells $6 Late Night Food Specials

$6 Late Night Food Specials

Spend NYE at Green MONDAY: Street Cafe! $3 Jameson Great Specials SpecialDrink Night $2 Coors Light and and Vibe Happythe Hour $1Best off all Appetizers and ½ off all Hookah’s (at GSC2) from 6-8 every day. Miller Light Draft on Free pool Campus! during happy hour!!!

NYE at High Dive! Live Music w/ Elsinore, The Dirty Feathers, and More!

A new show every night at the Joe's "Festival of Lights" in the dance bar

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi & Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

Coyote Ugly Night $3 Double Wells $3 Jack Drinks $3 Jager Bombs

Done with Finals?...us too! Don't know what to drink...give the Wheel of Destiny a spin!

$3 Sweet Tea Vodka $3 Any Draft

DJ Ollie $3 Top Shelf Free Entry w/ Student ID Before 11p

1/2 Price Burgers $2 Blue Moons $2 Woodchucks $4 Cups of Shots $2 Red Headed Sluts $3 Sky Vodka U-Call It Celebrate the end of finals at Happy Hour

35 E. Green Street

Open Mic Night $2.50 Corona's $2.50 Jager Bombs OPEN MIC Night $3 Strong Islands $2.50 $4Corona Oh Yeah's $2.50 Jager $4Bombs ICB's Wednesday

$3 Strong Islands

$3.50 Miller Light and Bud Light 60oz pitchers $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Cherry Bombs $4 ICB’s

Dance Floor Open all Break 8th Grade Dance Special Hanukkah Edition Festival of Lights on the Dance Floor All Break Long

love where you live!

OH YEAH, WE HAVE ALL OF THIS, TOO!

FREE TANNING BEDS, INDOOR BASKETBALL, FITNESS CENTER, AND A DOG PARK... WHAT MORE DO YOU NEED?

• Resort-style pool • Free tanning beds • Fitness center • On-site maintenance

• Washer/dryer • Pet friendly • Individual bathrooms • Shuttle to/from campus

2001 Moreland Blvd | (217) 344-8800 | uvchampaign.com

The BarGrid Page 3 of 3

KAM'S DOWNTOWN

School of Beer No Cover

LOGO GLASS DAY! $5.00 Pitchers of Hamm's/PBR $2.00 Skyy Vodka Singles $4.00 Wild Turkey Doubles $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Burst Shots

$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors

KLUB KAM'S w/ DJ John Han $3.50 UV & BAM $2 Lite Bottles $1 MHL Bottles $3 Revel Stoke All Energy Music!

Mustache Night Get your limited edition mustache glass No Cover

$2.00 Specialty Pints $2.00 Specialty Bottles $6.50 Killians and Leine Pitchers $2.25 Jim Beam Singles $4.50 Bacardi and Mailbu Dbls $2.50 Rum Chata Shots $2.50 Dr. McGillicuddy Shots

SHACKER NIGHT $2 Bud Family Bottles $2 UV Vodka $3 SoCo Lime Shots $5 24oz UV Shackers $6 Red Bull Super Shackers

$7.50 Whiskey Coke Pitchers $3 Jim Beam $3 Jack Daniels

$10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

Absolut Party $4 Blue Guys Party Before You Leave!

$2 Miller Light Bottles $4 Double Amaretto $4 Double Malibu No Cover

$2.00 Killians and Leine Pints $7.00 Bud, Bud Light, Coor's Light, and Miller Lite Pitchers $4.50 Wild Turkey and Skyy Vodka Doubles $2.50 Murphy's Pub Irish Stout Pints $2.50 Rum Chata Shots $2.50 Burst Shots

Open at 5pm $1 Fatty Natty Bottles

$7.50 Margarita Pitchers $2 Coronas No Cover!

ILL vs UNLV 4PM (United Center) $2 U Call It

$2 Coors Lights $2.50 Breakfast Shots No Cover

$5.50 Mushroom MEGA Ch. Burger with Fresh Cut Fries $2.00 Bud, Bud Light, Coor's Light, and Miller Lite Pints $2.50 Murphy's Pub Irish Stout Pints $7.00 Killians and Leinenkugel Pitchers $4.50 Jim Beam, Bacardi, & Malibu Dbl$2.50 Rum Chata Shots $2.50 Dr. McGillicuddy Shots

$2 Bud Light Bottles $3 JAGER BOMBS

$2.50 U Call It $3 Jaeger Bombs

123 Night $1 Wells $2 Energy $3 Pitchers Sunday Night Football!

$3 Any Draft $2.50 Coronas

$2.00 Specialty Pints & Bottles $5.50 Bud, Bud Light, Coor's Light, and Miller Lite Pitchers $2.00 Well Singles $4.00 Sobieski Vodka and Sweet Tea Vodka Doubles $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Burst Shots

Red Lion NYE 2012 $1 U CALL IT Live DJ - Champagne Toast Party Favors & Much More! Tickets are Selling Fast! RedLionChampaign.com

Closed

IL vs Cornell 7PM $2 U Call It

"Beer Lovers Night" $ 2 Domestic Btls. & Drafts $ 3 Import and Specialty Btls. & Drafts

$1.75 Domestic Pints $2.75 Premium Pints $2.00 Manager's Special $4.00 Wild Turkey and Skyy Vodka Doubles

Friday, December 30th Closed! Go to the EVE of the EVE at The Clybourne $2 U CALL ITS Special Guest DJ

Monday Night Football! Euchre Tournament! $1 Miller Lite $ Coors Light Pints

Ride the Rail No Cover

$6.00 Hamm's Logo Pitcher $4.00 Refills $2.00 Sobieski Vodka Singles $4.00 Well Doubles $2.00 Oldstyle and Schlitz Tall Boys and Natty Fatties $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Dr. McGillicuddy Shots

Red Lion New Years Eve Tickets are almost SOLD OUT! $1 U CALL ITS plus $2 EVERYTHING ELSE Free Appetizers at 10pm DJ KOSMO Spinning Live Get your tickets at RedLionChampaign.com

DAS BOOT! $5 Refills ANY DRAFT!

School of Beer No Cover

LOGO GLASS DAY! $5.00 Pitchers of Hamm's/PBR $2.00 Skyy Vodka Singles $4.00 Wild Turkey Doubles $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Burst Shots

Red Lion New Years Eve Tickets are almost SOLD OUT! $1 U CALL ITS plus $2 EVERYTHING ELSE Free Appetizers at 10pm DJ KOSMO Spinning Live Get your tickets at RedLionChampaign.com

White Horse Karaoke! $7.50 Rum and Coke Pitchers

WED 12/21

WED 12/14

Party with the Bacardi Girls! $2.50 Bacardi Drinks $1.50 Bud U Call It Drafts and Bottles

TUES 12/20

White Horse Karaoke! $7.50 Rum and Coke Pitchers

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

MON 12/19

PITCHER NIGHT! $2 Pitchers $5 Well Pitchers

$1 U CALL ITS! Top Shelf Bar, Free Apps, Party Favors & MORE!

SUN 12/18

NYE AT WHITE HO! Outlaw Karaoke! $3 U Call Its Free Champaign Toast NO COVER!

FRI & SAT: $10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

SAT 12/17

Red Lion New Years Eve Tickets are almost SOLD OUT! $1 U CALL ITS plus $2 EVERYTHING ELSE Free Appetizers at 10pm DJ KOSMO Spinning Live Get your tickets at RedLionChampaign.com

FRI 12/16

Don't Miss Murphy's 12 Days of Christmas (12/5-12/16) Win $100 Every Night!

THURS 12/15

Spend NYE at Legends No Cover! Great Drink Specials! Party Favors ALL Night!

SPECIAL NIGHT

NYE at KAMS!

$5 22oz Illini Mug, $3 Refills During Illini Games! $10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

Come Watch Some Games! $2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells

$1.50 High Life Drafts!

Tickets on Sale Now!

1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool and Miller Lite Drafts ALL DAY LONG and 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 6pm)

Happy Holidays! $2 U Call It

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

Get your tix for NYE at KAMS! $1 U CALL ITS! Top Shelf Bar, Free Apps, Party Favors & MORE! Tickets on Sale Now!

FEELING STRESSED ABOUT FINALS?

WELCOME HOME We have the perfect place to relax!

Free Tanning, Spa, and 24 Hour Fitness Center

• 1, 2, 3 & 4 bedroom apartments and townhomes. • Individual bathrooms.

Luxurious Clubhouse

• Internet, cable, water, trash and parking. • Washer & dryer in every apartment.

Text "COLBERT" to 47464 for Specials! (217) 353.6800 / www.villagecp.com

Private Shuttle to and from Campus, Plus "Late Night Shuttle"

You get all of this, too!

www.theblacksheeponline.com

THe top ten

ICES Form Answers We all hate filling out those “end of the semester” evaluations, which don’t ever seem to change the course for next semester at all. However, due to their anonymity, we can at least have a little fun with them. Here are some answers you might consider slapping on the ICES form this semester. 10. The Misogynist- If you are taking a Women’s Studies course, this is a must. After an entire semester of learning about the societal disparages in equal rights, you have the right to let off a little steam, “Great course! But, for some reason, there’s no stove in this kitchen”. 9. The Believer- I’ve never taken a Biology course, but since I hate science (or, more so, just how hard it is) and would love to take the opportunity to antagonize my professor. So, your answer should look something like this, “Your course was great! What with all your cute sacrilegious theories about ‘evolution’ and what not! Hope you have a good life before you spend an eternity burning in hell.”

FBI Fixing To Sweep Under CPD's Carpet mike byrnes wrote this During the month of June an incident occurred concerning a Champaign Police officer who is referred to, among his colleagues, as W. A. Dicfoure. Dicfoure, a stand-up officer previously holding a perfect arrest record, may not be such a Scruff McGruff after all. Not only is he not a walking, talking canine, but a video surfaced on the inter-webs that showed Officer Dicfoure running a “routine” arrest on a criminal jaywalker. Did you know pepper-spray is part of that routine? No? That’s because it’s not. Though a preferred method within any college campus police department, pepperspray has been known to cause painful burning, temporary blindness, and to just generally ruin a person’s day. According to the officer, the young man who was jaywalking was being uncooperative, but I digress. These people are sick to think that young disobedient Americans should be brutalized and tortured beyond the mutilation of their figure. Red eye is so hard to get rid of, especially if you’re not Ben Stein. The FBI was tipped off and asked to come investigate the possible hate crime committed by the officer, and when The Black Sheep heard about it, we put on our ascots and hopped in our very own mystery machine. Our mystery machine is the white limo parked in the lot behind Papa John's on Green Street, where we “focus our knowledge” and “eat a lot of Scooby-Snacks.” A few of us, all posing as Agent Smith from The Matrix, approached Officer Dicfoure's house last Thursday evening with a “warrant” printed on graham crackers. Dicfoure seemed suspicious, but due to the heat under his feet, he let us in to search the premises. What we found will completely shatter your existence and recreate it at the same time. We found...absolutely...NOTHING OUT

OF THE ORDINARY! Upset to say the least, we walked into a very clean living room (the type where the couches are covered in plastic to remain in new condition) and noticed a warm, lit fireplace, children sitting around the television, a bowl of delicious potpourri, and family pictures on the mantle. Oh, and this officer who supposedly performed a racist hate crime has... yes... a black wife! Now, I'm not racist. I can honestly say that I have no personal preference when I walk into a KFC-A&W for lunch. It is just surprising that a man who’s being accused of committing a hate crime would be involved in an interracial relationship. Wondering if this might all be some well-planned cover up, we skipped the questions and went straight to business. We looked for evidence of a corrupt man anywhere we could, cutting open stuffed animals, breaking lamps, and of course clogging toilets. Needless to say, the investigation became a little too “involved” when we found ourselves holding a gun to the goldfish bowl shouting, “Where are you hiding the racist paraphernalia? Tell us now or the Carassius Auratus gets it!” Leaving the house in ruins, TBS later learned from an open FBI investigation report that Officer Dicfoure did, in fact, act appropriately during the arrest and handled the situation in the correct manner. We sincerely apologized to Officer W. A. Dicfoure and his now very, very traumatized children and wife. Seriously though, there is never an excuse for owning the complete box-set of Two and A Half Men, we do not apologize for shattering those and throwing them in the fire-place. Oh, and the upper deckers in your bathroom toilets and the shaving of the family cat... definitely was not us. Definitely not.

8. The Sexual Deviant- Human sexuality is a hit or miss course, depending on your instructor. Mine sucked, but even if it were awesome, that doesn’t mean you can’t have fun with the professor, “This was totally not what I expected. I went to class every day and didn’t see any boobs up close, and I still can’t figure out what this rash on my cock is.” 7. The Closet Racist- Now, it should be no surprise what the main population of your computer science class is, but your professor doesn’t know that. Don’t overtly offend anyone or you’ll come off as mean. Go for a classic ignorant asshole, “I learned a lot about programming, but sometimes, while looking at all my classmates, I couldn’t tell if I was in class or in Cocomero.” 6. The Creep- Making sexual advances towards students is wrong and unethical, but no one said anything about making sexual advances towards your teachers. It’s even more fun if you add the phone number of one of your friends who you want to prank as well, “I thought your lecture on fission was sooo… riveting. I’d love to talk more about it over coffee sometime? Oh, don’t worry; you’ll get this after you’ve graded everything ;)”. 5. The Honest Slacker- Most professors realize that the majority of their 100 classes are blow off courses. However, there are still professors out there who truly believe “Intro to Film” is a meaningful course, “Let’s be honest, I have never gone to so many classes so drunk out of my mind. I really think this is the most I have written since the first day.” 4. The Victim- This is reserved for those teachers you really dislike. The best part about this one is imagining how nervous your teacher will be when he has to submit these responses to his superiors, “He was nice, but, he was always winking at me. On my tests he would draw these lewd images with the words, ‘call me’. I am just ever-so confused.” 3. The Spy- It’s been a dream of mine to be in an action movie, but it’s also been a dream of mine to prank someone else by making them believe they’re in an action movie, “Do not drink the coffee. It has been poisoned! The only antidote is hidden in my final paper if you read every 23rd word. God’s speed.” 2. Roid Rage- It’s time to tell off that professor who’s been a dick all semester, but you’re too chickenshit to do it to their face. This is even better if the professor is the nicest person in the world and would never think to be offensive, “You think you’re so smart with your fucking exams and papers and that shit-eating grin every day? It ends today, 5PM. Faculty parking lot. Be there.” 1. Desperation- The funniest situations are awkward situations. What could be more awkward than asking the professor to be your surrogate father? “This was the best course I’ve taken yet! You were more like a father than a teacher. I love you… Dad.”

john mchoneycombs wrote this

www.theblacksheeponline.com

Six Degrees

of Separation

Think you know how Glenn Howerton and WIll Smith are connected? Send your answers to 6degrees@theblacksheeponline.com for your chance to win a prize so ridonkulous even the fresh prince would be jealous.

www.theblacksheeponline.com

The Finals Word Search c i g a r e t t e s

a k o o b t x e t p

o t mm d e r h k d n c h d u d a n t i

h e h s a y d t i a

b a n d b e s e t b

t m a r r o k t s h

s e e a e n c e a i

h a l c t t a e r s

k l a h s m n l c t

e a p s n b s i o o

e c t a o s e b r r

r p d p o p l f mc n o mm r a p x y e

t e a e f t e r t a

h l i c n e p y a h

t t p s i s e h t o

p a p e r t t e c a

n e s a r h t a a a

adderall studybreak monster coffee notes library adderall exam studybreak snacks monster coffeepaper textbook noteslaptop library flashcards exammath snacks science paper history textbook thesis laptopbeer procrastinate flashcards headache math cigarettes science pencil history internet thesis beer procrastinate headache cigarettes pencil internet

NEXT YEAR, LIVE SOME PLACE YOU LOVE! One-Bedrooms Are Available! Because awkward run-ins are good for no one, especially you.

We’re Pet Friendly! So you can bring along Charlie, also known as the best wingman there is.

Best Location on Campus! Going to class just got a whole lot easier - you’ll thank us later.

SIGN BY DECEMBER 16 AND GET A $50 GIFT CARD! OH, WE’RE JUST GETTING STARTED. Theater Room. Club

Room. Two-Story Wireless Atrium Lounge. 10-Foot Ceilings. Indoor and Outdoor Parking. Bicycle and Scooter Storage. Convenient Grocery Store. Fully-furnished Apartments. Fitness Center. Tanning. 217.239.2310 | burnham310.com | 310 E. Springfield

Greystar Illinois Management, LLC

www.theblacksheeponline.com

Twas the Kegger After Finals... The music was loud and the liquor was strong, The stoners were taking hits from their bongs. Keg stands and shots, it was all in good fun. Celebrating the fact that finals were finally done.

But eight policemen, already here. With one policeman, so angry and quick His badge said that his name was Officer Nick. More rapid than reindeer his back-up came, He screamed and shouted and called them by name! “Officer Clarence, and Joseph, and Danny and Dixon! Officer Gromit, and Rupert, Conner and Nixon! Inside the house! Inside the walls! Arrest them! Arrest them! Arrest them all!”

Though it was cold, the girls didn’t care, They dressed like pole dancers, their asses practically bare. Perhaps they’d get lucky, but they’ll have no one to blame, For their freezing cold morning walk of shame.

And then in an instant, they were all inside, Screaming and yelling for us to abide. As I took a step back, and was turning around, From behind Officer Nicholas someone arrived with a bound.

The boys were all eager to get a girl in their bed, Or at the very least to try and score some head. They’ll lie and say that they play guitar in a band, but most will up making love to their hand.

He was dressed in all blue, from his head to his toes. What he wanted with me, god only knows. He told me stay put, not to move a single inch I could tell then that I was in a pinch.

When out on the street there arose such a clatter, I hopped off my keg stand to see what was the matter. When from the window there shined a blazing blue flash, I knew what it was! ‘Twas the cops! Let us dash!

How his eyes flamed, and not at all merry, His face was dark red, like a nearly-burst cherry. He had a bushy mustache, and a big round gut, This guy obviously liked eating his donuts.

From the front of a room, I heard a drunken shout, “The cops are here, everyone! Get the hell out!” I dropped my red Solo cup and made for the door, But the place was too crowded with drunks trying to score.

While he was distracted, while I was ignored, I decided it was time to make a break for the door. When I got up and ran, I had not one single doubt, That I was surely going to make it out.

In the ensuing panic, many tried to leave and go But they ended up slipping on the vomit and snow. When, what to my drunken eyes should appear,

But alas, my friends, this sadly wasn’t so For when I began to run, little did I know That Officer Nick was quicker, I found,

Twas the kegger after finals, when all through the frat, The party was raging, though the beer tasted flat. The passed out pledge was laid on the sofa with care, With dick drawings on his face and vomit in his hair.

And he tasered my ass down to the ground. I was very sad that I had missed my chance, And now was convulsing and pissing my pants. He spoke not a word but went straight to work And stuffed me in his squad car so roughly, what a jerk. When I woke up the next morning, I was in a jail cell, Wondering what to my parents I’d tell. When I heard Nick laugh, sarcastic and with spite: “Happy keggers to all, and to all a good night!”

you don’t want to miss this! Friday december 30th

uFc 141

$2 bud and bud Lights

saturday december 31

spend new years eve at Fat city! • Free champagne toast at midnight • Free appetizers From 10-midnight • Live dj & great drink speciaLs!

Corner of Neil & Green

217-954-0556

Champaign

fatcitybarandgrill.com

holiday gift guide 2011 Under $25Gift Packages! The Party Person

MotorolaA

For the person who deadpans “What do you mean you can’t go out? It’s Monday!" Coconut Water ($3) - If you don’t drink when you wake up, how are you supposed to drink all day? Sleep Mask ($6) - For when you forget to turn off the strobe light. Glitter ($0.77) - It’s important to look faaaaaaaaabulous. 6 Custom Beer Pong Balls ($14) - People are going to know you mean business.

The Designated Driver

Also known as your own personal guardian angel. Febreeze ($4) - Yes, there’s puke. But also sweat and pee and blood. This car is more disgusting than an army hospital. Barf Bag 5pk ($6.50) - They just cleaned their carpets, dude. C’mon! Compass ($5) and Road Atlas ($10) - For the most ghetto GPS imaginable. No asshole, there’s no Penis Boulevard.

Mr. Super Broke

What do you mean you’re going to be a little late on August rent? Ramen 12pk ($5.99) - Once they’ve eaten the noodles, they can use the cup to beg for change. 6 Shares of Ford stock ($1.81 x 5) - Sometimes it’s important to feel like a CEO. Windex ($3.99) and Paper towel roll ($1.50 x 2) - Get a job, deadbeat!

trix 2 Phone PRICE: $99 (for AT&T, $499.99 without contract) notable features: Android 2.3 network, built-in FM radio, 8 GB internal memory, plus an 8MP front and rear facing camera. (wireless.att.com) why it rocks: This phone is really nice. It has 4G speed, a pretty sweet camera that takes crisp photos and videos. And while many phones have a learning curve that rests somewhere between “rage inducing” and “fuck this, I’ll just use a telegraph,” the Atrix 2 is actually pretty intuitive in its use. Zumocast-- a program that allows you to access files and information stored on your computer’s hard drive—is one of the phone’s best features. Did we mention that this telephone even makes calls and sends texts? Crazy!

Hah, you don't need to answer that. Whether you've been naughty or just down right nasty this year, we've got plenty of gifts that you'll be begging to receive. You do know it's better to give than to receive, though, right? Of course you do... you're not on the nice list for a few very good reasons.

Lululemon

Destined for Greatness Duffel

Timbuk 2M

PRICE: $140 notable features: Weatherproof, industrial strength Velcro, buckle can also double as a bottle opener! (chromebagsstore.com) Why it rocks: This bag is waterproof and roomy enough to put your supplies for the whole day inside of it. If you depend on your bike for transportation, the bag has clips that could hold lights, a U-lock, or your dignity, for when you accidentally run into a car. Not to mention it has adjustable straps to ensure a perfect fit to your bod. Just strap it on and go! If this bag weren't cool enough already… the buckle can double as a bottle opener, making grabbing a beer right as you walk in the door from work or class that much easier. Oh, and it comes with a lifetime guarantee, which already makes it better than marriage.

Are You on the Naughty List?

PRICE: $128 notable features: Goofy labeled pockets-galore to keep your junk organized, stow-able nylon straps to fit any size yoga mat, water-resistant fabric, and can hold up to 50lbs! (lululemon.com) why it rocks: This workout bag is perfect for the gym, or any other onthe-go occasion that suggests you would have to carry a ton of shit. Not to mention it’s actually cute! Its super sturdy straps let you carry gobs of “necessities” with confidence. The bag also features tons of easily accessible pockets (most of which are labeled with quirky suggestions of what to put in them, sadly there’s nothing to hold your shattered dreams) for all your organizational needs. It even has a pocket that is designed to slide your laptop in to keep it safe, because you know how shifty those yogis can be.

essenger Bag PRICE: $120 notable features: 50 different iconic celebrity faces staring back at you, waterproof exterior, lifetime guarantee and pockets on pockets. (timbuk2.com) why it rocks: This bag is really functional. It’s waterproof, spacious and can be adjusted to fit your frame. Padded straps make lugging around too much crap a little bit less awful. And with tons of pockets with different colored zippers, maybe you can actually find your keys or wallet without dumping all of the contents of the whole bag out. The lconoclast version of this classic Timbuk2 messenger bag is limited edition and is made with fabric that has the faces of 50 different cultural icons printed on it. Each is unique, depending on what swatch of fabric was used, which is cool. Anyone you get this for will use it everyday. Except for Sunday, that’s the Lord’s day.

Lap Dock 100 Motorola

Chrome

Citizen Buckle Messenger Bag

www.theblacksheeponline.com

PRICE: $249.99 notable features: High resolution, bright 10.1 screen, can be hooked up to a variety of phones (best paired with the Atrix 2), Motoprint application makes printing easy. (motorola.com) why it rocks: The lapdock makes using the web on the go easy and convenient, without having to lug around a heavy laptop (that would most likely only connect to wifi anyway). Just connect your phone to the port on the back of the device and you instantly have a bigger screen and a keyboard. It’s so much better than trying to use a tiny touch screen with your stubby sausage fingers. Hell, it’s so good it made us forget they aired those annoying commercials during the NCAA tournament last year.

www.theblacksheeponline.com

Homebrewers OutpostB

Short's Brewery

PRICE: $7.99 - $9.99 for a six pack (includes Bellaire Brown, Black Cheery Porter, Chocolate Wheat, Pandemonium Pale Ale, Autumn Ale, Huma Lupa Licious IPA) Notable features: Delicious, high quality ingredients make this micro-brew delicious. (shortsbrewing.com) WHY IT RULES: All of these beers are rid-donk-licious, and can be considered a special treat for anyone (21 and up) on your holiday list. Shorts Brewing Company consciously only uses the finest ingredients, and it shows. They really know what they’re doing when it comes to creating tasty brewskies. Not to mention that all of these beers have an ABV% of at least 5? If getting drunk in a warm, Keystone-free cocoon of smiles is your aim, Shorts will definitely do the trick.

PRICE: $134.99 (includes ingredients) Notable features: Everything you need to brew your own divine beers while still being cost effective. (homebrewers.com) WHY IT RockS: With this kit you’re able create your own beer at a fraction of the cost of buying delicious high-gravity craft beers elsewhere. Once you have the equipment, it’s easy to order ingredients. The process is easy enough, too (check back in the first issue of the 2nd semester as we try to make our own beer). Brewing is the ultimate bragging right, it makes you superior to all your friends, because you’re getting tipsy off of your own hard work. What else could a beer guru dream of?

Peligroso Reposado

42 Tequila PRICE: $44.99 Notable features: Smooth, wonderful and full of the promise of a magnificent time. (peligrosotequila.com) WHY IT RockS: Everyone loves tequila, right? Well, Peligoros Reposado 42 is perfect for any holiday party. While all of your kind of trashy, lame friends from home are throwing down shot after shot of Burnett’s or Jose Cuervo, you’ll look like the epitome of class when you whip this bad boy bottle out. And since this tequila is still pretty new, you can be really vague as to where you got it. “Oh, I just know a guy…” will have your friends thinking you know someone in the cartel. Don’t forget the salt and limes!

Samsung

Galaxy Tablet 10.1

Variety Pack

eer Making Starter Kit

PRICE: $499.99 (for 16 GB) notable features: Includes Adobe flash, brilliantly crisp widescreen display, and weighs only 1.25 pounds. (samsung.com) Why it rocks: This tablet is awesome. The highresolution screen is really crisp and the tablet itself has so. many. features. Even before you start downloading different apps like crazy. It has all the amenities of a laptop, but is incredibly easy to take on the go, and with 16 gigs of memory and almost 10 hours of battery life, using adult movies to weird out the guy sitting next to you on the airplane has never been easier. Also, it makes it easy to keep track of your plethora of social engagements… erm, exams and deadlines… with the agenda calendar right at your fingertips. It runs on the new and improved Android 3.1 Honeycomb network, which is still pretty similar to previous versions—making the conversion really easy. Check one of these out soon!

Under $25 Gift Packages! For the Lusty Lover

They’re spare hole fits your round peg surprisingly well. Bottle of Boone’s Farm Strawberry Hill ($3.99) - If they’re actually excited about this, make sure you card them. Hard. Whipped Cream ($2.99) - If nothing else, it gives you an excuse to shower together. Tea Lights ($5.99) - Really set the mood, until you start your apartment on fire. Redbox Flick ($0.99) - If you play your cards right, you’ll be flickin’ their red box.

FOR THE Super Greek

He’s totally your best brah that happens to be a brah in a house, brah. Knock-off Wayfarers ($4.99) - Because the sun never sets on cool. Collegiate sweat band ($3.99) - I go hard for my school, what, do you go to State or somethin’? Beer Bong ($12.99) - Not chug-alug house! Leather Cleaner ($3.49) - It’s always important to keep those Sperry's fresh.

for the Study Buddy

Friends don’t let friends go into tests unprepared. 30 Adderall ($3.25) - If they don’t study all the info, how are they supposed to make sure you pass your test? Daily Planner ($9.99) - After you lost your syllabus, they let you know when the tests occur. Ambient Music Mix ($0.00) They’ve got to focus all night if you’re going to learn trigonometry. Quiet Library Snacks ($4.49) - You wouldn't want them to be the douche eating Sun Chips, would you?)

Price: $89 (large, 38' diameter) NOTABLE FEATURES: Party tricks, potential of abs and popularity, did we mention it lights the f up? (moodhoops.com) why it rocks: Uh, how would a LED light-up hula hoop not rock? With one push of a button the whole thing goes apeshit with internal LED lights that dance and move on their own. When being used, the hooper is completely enveloped in bright, colorful lights! By default this will attract anyone cool in your path and will make you extremely popular in no time! Hula hooping has also become very popular as a way of working out, so you could get a spring break ready body WHILE entertaining the drunken masses. It would be irresponsible NOT to get this for someone on your list (or just keep for yourself instead).

holiday gift guide 2011

SHOW US YOUR BOOZE: BOOK OF MATTHEW 2:1-12

They came from the east when they saw his star rise...

They came to pay homage to a new king...

The Three Wise Men.

The evil King Herod had also heard the news.

Threatened, he summoned the Three Wise Men to his court...

And demanded they find this new king...

...so Herod could destroy him.

They paid him no mind and continued their journey.

The star stopped, they arrived.

Inside, they presented the new King with three presents...

Goldschlager, the dankest scents, and beer.

Meanwhile...

For he truly was King of the Booze!

www.theblacksheeponline.com

I Have Free Time? The Winter Break Whoreoscopes Sagittarius (Nov. 21 - Dec 21.) After almost giving yourself an ulcer this semester, you need to chill the fuck out this break. It’s not like you have any schoolwork to do, and reading your books for next semester would just be pretentious. So just enjoy your break. Sleep all day, eat Doritos like it’s your job, and spend most of your time surfing Facebook and watching marathons of Law and Order: SVU. Because bitch, you deserve it. Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) You goin home and the honeys is waiting. You don’t care if they’re still illegal, you just want some Grade-A high school pussy. You can most certainly be seen hanging out in your high school cafeteria, smoking a cig, and creepily staring down any girl that gets within 5 feet of you. If you don’t want to get arrested, stay away from underage girls. If jail time isn’t a problem for you, and you have no morals, then by all means, collect virgins like coins in Super Mario. Aquarius (Jan. 20 -Feb. 18) No one at home understands your art. And by “art” you really mean shitty poetry splattered with your tears. High school was hell for you, so it is understandable that you want to stay as far away from home as humanly possible. Unfortunately, you have a family that actually cares about you. Wipe off your mascara tears, loosen your skinny jeans, and just deal with home for a month. You’ll be back at school with your equally unique friends-who all listen to the same music and wear the same clothes-soon enough. Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 20) Holy shit it’s break! You actually like home, enjoy your family, and are reasonably welladjusted. For you, break is a chance to see people who love you, and spend time in a positive environment. The only downside is that it has to end. Please, relish these moments, as they will become fewer the older you get. You may be in college, but you’re still a kid. So go sledding with your brother, make some hot cocoa, and smile because someone actually cares about you. Thank them, and don’t be a dick.

Aries (March 21 - Apr. 19) As a generally rambunctious twat, you spend your time at school involved with clubs, intramural sports teams, out drinking your friends, etc. And now you have to go back to your tiny-ass suburb where the “cool kids” emotionally repressed you. So what in the balls are you going to do over break? GET JACKED. Turn that boring free time and endless motivation into getting swole for the ladies. You’ll come back to school looking like a number one stunna. Enjoy the endless flow of blowjobs!

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) The big man on campus in high school, college has not exactly been an easy transition. You went from being Mr. Popular to wading in a sea of 30,000 students. Chances are you have about 3-4 friends, and sit alone during lunch. Ouch. Winter break is like a godsend to you, because for a few shining weeks your life can be perfect again. Enjoy it while it lasts, because when you get back, you’ll hop right back on the struggle bus, just like the rest of your peers.

Taurus (Apr. 20 - May 20) OMG I have to leave my friends for FOUR WHOLE WEEKS. Like, I can’t bear to be without my besties! Who will I confide in when I jerk off the wrong frat guy? Your parents, stupid. Odds are, you’re a party girl with only a smidgen of a conscience and a catalog of more bad decisions then Tara Reid. Try to actually enjoy spending time with your family, remembering who you really are; you know, before your brain got addled by endless mounds of glitter and ecstasy.

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) You left college as a pristine example of all that is good in a small town: good grades, kindhearted, homegrown pretty. Hell, you were probably Homecoming Queen. Then, college happened. You were thrown into a world of sex and unkind people, and you went a little fucking insane. One stint in jail and two lip piercings later, you’re a whole new woman. Coming home will be your unveiling, and you can’t wait to show everyone the new you. Your parents will probably cry, your friends will look at you in horror, and the local STD clinic will be begging you to come and get tested. Have fun fucking all of the jocks from your high school, you’ll feel as dead inside as the day you blew your lab partner for some coke.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Thank god you have a break, because school was cutting into your blazing time. Odds are, you skip class to sleep, and when you actually attend class you are stoned out of your mind. Take some time over break to reevaluate if you should actually be in college; if your only life goal is to smoke weed and listen to dubstep, you’re in the wrong place, asshole. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You crave male attention like a drag queen in San Francisco. Seriously, if a day goes by without at least one guy staring at your augmented tittays, it has been a waste of your time to leave the house. And now that you aren’t at school, no one gives a fuck how much saline some doc pumped into your chest. You, like Tinker Bell, will die if no one applauds you on a daily basis, so you probably won’t make it through the winter. Enjoy hell, sweetheart.

Murphy’s Presents:

12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS! Brought to You By:

WIN $100 EVERY NIGHT! DECEMBER 5TH - 16TH MURPHY’S PUB 604 East Green Street | Champaign | (217) 344-4372

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) Going home to you means one thing: work. No fun break for your sorry ass, you get to wake up every day at 7a.m. and make that cash so you can pay your way through college. That just blows. But chin up kid, your education will help you escape your small-town family and/ or working in a meat packing plant the rest of your life. Every day, you’re hustling. Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) School is your forte. You get good grades, your professors like you, and you can whip papers like a dominatrix. So now that you have nothing to strive for over break, you’re feeling a bit lost. You’ll most likely spend your time playing Battlefield 3 and gaining 15 pounds from sheer boredom. It’s ok tubs, at least your mom still thinks you’re cute.

My Application for Illini Football Head Coach Dr. Michael Benson 1402 South First Street Champaign, Illinois 61820 (217) 328-5035

apply online for fall 2012

“I may not know much about football, but I’ll touch-down on your heart just the same.” - Mike Benson Objective: To obtain a position as head coach of The University of Illinois Fighting Illini football team. If not available, volleyball will also be fine. Nondependent on sport, free showers/meals are my primary concern. Professional Summary: While other men enjoy playing fantasy football, it has always been my fantasy to coach football. And ever since the town of South Bend filed a restraining order on me, it has been my dream to coach for the Illini. The beginning of my devotion to football can be traced back to the first time I saw Remember the Titans. While I very much enjoyed the football scenes, I also appreciated the subplot about diversity and acceptance. I could see what they were getting at. Over the years I have picked up many skills which I believe will be useful on the football field. These skills include vast knowledge of all basic rules of football, advanced skills concerning golf cart operation, successful strategies on how to yell at grown men to make them cry, and basic street knowledge concerning bribe transactions. While most universities would be more likely to choose a coach with actual coaching experience, with me you have the comfort of knowing that I have never gone 0-6 in the last 6 games of a season in my entire life. Education: Saint Viator High School class of 2010 (Dropped out) -Did not play football -Attended several football games while intoxicated Professional Experience and Achievements: 1998-1999 (Aged: 6) Rolling Meadows Mighty Mites, Position: Linebacker, Right Tackle -Led team in sacks and temper tantrums -Father was assistant coach — got to play way more than other kids -Regularly volunteered to provide after game snacks -Ritz Bits Sandwich Crackers (Cheese) and Capri Sun

close to campus + private bedrooms + individual leases

Knows all the words to “We Will Rock You” and can play it on guitar -No better way to pump up athletes -I don’t own a guitar, one will need to be provided -Almost certain Ron Zook could not do this Won NFC Conference Championship as head coach of Tampa Bay Buccaneers (Madden 2012) -Devoted months of time towards team -Learned appropriate play calling technique and theory -Acquired vast knowledge of player stats -Deceased Chicago Bears running back Walter Payton played on team -Lost Super Bowl in overtime to Oakland Raiders -”X” button on controller got sticky during final drive

apply online @ tower3rd.com 217.367.0720 | 302 E. John Street, Suite 100